volume 8 - issue 6 - tuesday, october 12, 2010 - uvm, burlington, vt uvm.edu/~watertwr

malcolm valaitis by bendonovan On the afternoon of Saturday, Septem- bought at the pet store. We fed him on ro- first thing about what exactly it needs to that taking care of another living creature ber 25, my roommates and I conducted maine lettuce, carrots, and grass we pulled stay alive? Do rabbits really eat carrots? I is really, really hard, and I’m glad I learned our first foray into adulthood when a baby from the lawn of our apartment building. don’t know. I assume they do, because I that lesson with a bunny and not with, say, bunny fell into the window well of our For about a day, Slobodan was a model saw it on TV. But I see a lot of things on a kid or a spouse or one of those orphans basement apartment on Pearl Street. It ap- bunny. He managed to escape his enclo- TV, none of which I will ever take the time from the developing world that movie peared to be in good health, but its mother sure pretty easily, but we just left his food to independently verify. And what the stars are always acquiring. When a bunny was nowhere to be found. Looking at one inside it and let him hop around the apart- hell sort of person names a cute, innocent dies, it’s sad, but at the end of the day it’s another, we asked, “What should we do?” ment to his little heart’s content, after baby bunny after a genocidal Serbian dic- just a bunny. Human beings are a very dif- Should we put it back in on ground level which he happily returned to the PBR box. tator? Jesus, the sort of degenerate mind ferent story; there’s paperwork to be filled in the parking lot and let it find its way He hopped up onto our laps and watched that takes is frightening, to say the least. out and criminal charges filed when one of back to its mother? football with us on Sunday, and didn’t I should probably be on some cocktail of those kicks the bucket. This notion was soon put to rest when seem altogether annoyed by our shouting heavy opiates in a padded cell somewhere. So what I want to say, I suppose, is Wikipedia (which is where I get an alarm- at the TV. The second, and more important point, this: while you’re here at UVM, spend- ingly large share of my information about ing what will likely be the best years of the world) told us that mother rabbits will your life, take risks. Take on responsibil- usually reject or even eat offspring that Should we keep it? Well, none of us knew the ity. Start small: find a bunny or a gerbil or have the scent of another animal on them. first thing about raising a bunny for a pet, but an internship or a relationship; get a job Should we call animal control? That might on campus; be a bartender on Church have sounded like a good idea, were we hey, why the hell not? Street. Do something you’ve never done not slightly--uh, altered--and thus totally before. You will probably fail at least once averse to the very idea of speaking to any if you’re brilliant, and more than once if sort of authority figure, animal control you’re average like me. But that’s how you included. Should we keep it? Well, none By Sunday night, however, he wasn’t is that the saga of Slobodan the ex-bunny learn. We got it wrong with Slobodan the of us knew the first thing about raising a eating or drinking much, and on Monday represents exactly the sort of learning ex- bunny (although before the UVM chap- bunny for a pet, but hey, why the hell not? morning my roommate knocked on my perience that college is all about. Look, ter of PETA comes and pickets my apart- Thus began our brief adventure into door to confirm our worst fears--that Slo- we’re all going to have to grow up some- ment, it should be noted that he probably parenthood. The first order of business bodan the bunny had in fact become Slo- day. We’ll have responsibilities. We’ll meet would have died anyway). But maybe next was naming the bunny. We tossed around bodan the ex-bunny. We still don’t know people that will become spouses and life- time we’ll get it right, whatever “it” is. Or some ideas--”D’Brickashaw,” “Hops,” why he died. Maybe we weren’t feeding long friends. We’ll have kids (more than maybe it’ll take a few tries. That’s what life “Bunny,” et cetera--but eventually settled him the right food; perhaps the change of a few of my friends have told me I won’t is: a series of mistakes that, if you learn on “Slobodan.” It was the first thing that circumstances was just too much for him. be allowed anywhere near theirs). We will from them, make you a better person. So popped into my head, and when I realized We said our goodbyes and deposited Slo- have other living things--other human be- tonight, I’ll be drinking not just to a cute that we could also give him my last name bodan in the trash. ings--entrusted to us. College is the step- little bunny with an inappropriate name and render him “Slobodonovan,” well, that I was able to glean two important points ping stone to that. It’s the learner’s permit whose life ended before it even began, but was that. Next on the agenda was fash- from this experience. First, neither I nor for true adulthood. We’ve got responsi- to all the mistakes I’ll ever make, and to ioning some sort of enclosure for young my roommates are ready to be parents. bilities, but not the full load that the real the possibility of doing things right by all Slobodan; we solved that by cutting the Let’s be real here. What sort of people world will inevitably thrust onto us. And the people and bunnies in my life from top off of an empty 30-rack of Pabst Blue choose to take on responsibility for an- that’s why it can be good to screw up here now on. Cheers. g Ribbon, which we lined with bedding we other living thing without knowing the sometimes. It’s how we learn. I now know news reflections tunes advertise for your china and japan fall das racist club or organization with the water tower. we’re break the silence boyfriend by alexpinto cheaper than the other guys. by jamesaglio by ginamastrogiacomo [email protected] by jamesaglio Japan and China are talking again. Diplomatic relations between the Asian nations have been strained for the past by an anonymous student in biology 255 month, but were restored after a meeting in Belgium dur- So, I am asking for complete immunity and anonym- lobster that will die anyway? ing the Asia-Europe Meeting. The spat began after Japan ity for my cooperation. I don’t want anything jeopardiz- I’m sure some biological science major will write to the arrested a Chinese fishing captain in the waters near the ing my position with the Biology department, which may water tower about how lobsters can’t feel pain or some- Senkaku Islands. The Senkaku Islands, known as the Di- bring its wrath down upon the student body to try to root thing like that, but nothing that big should be scissored in aoyu Islands in China and as the Pinnacle Islands in the out a snitch. But the truth must be known. half when there were steps to make it more humane that West, have been under Japanese administration since I don’t consider myself a huge animal-rights person; I we should have been following. 1895, but their ownership is disputed by China and Tai- just feel I know the difference between right and wrong, Did I learn anything that couldn’t have been learned wan. The islands are actually a huge point of contention and we were being put in a situation where what we were any other way? I don’t think that is true for any lab I have in relationships between the three nations, with Japan doing was wrong. It wasn’t supposed to be that way, at least ever had. The point of labs isn’t usually to learn, but to get asserting ownership while both the People’s Republic of not officially, but as always there’s a difference between an appreciation for the techniques needed to do research. what’s on paper Mostly it “With as many and what actu- showed me peo- problems as the world ally happens in “As bio students, ple can be pret- real life. ty callous about faces, the two heavyweights In my biol- we already had experience how they treat of East Asia do not really need to ogy lab, we had life, even lower with emilyhoogesteger to dissect lob- killing experimental animals, life forms. Just Dear water tower, be fighting over sters. I don’t and nobody was going to follow what was Chinese News Censors. Chinese dissident Liu Xiaobo won the Nobel Peace Prize this unoccupied rocks.” mean lobsters officially in the While I agreed with Bridget Treco’s positive review of LCD Soundsystem, I week, but government censors have removed Xiaobo’s name from Twitter, blocked it was appalled at how many times she mentioned James Murphy’s age. If you that were al- make a real fuss about it. stupid proce- from Google, and disabled the phones of people who try to text it. Because nothing ready dead and dure and you were to replace the words “old” and “aging” with the word “black” or “fat”, helps your reputation like outlawing the winner of a Nobel Peace Prize. China (China) and the Republic of China (Taiwan) claim Biology, the science of life, involves I don’t think anyone would find this review acceptable. Has she never seen that the Islands are a part of Taiwan. This may seem an preserved for could at least someone old enough to be her father perform music before? Personally, I odd position for the Chinese government, but China also decades until death more than you might want.” say we tried to FBI Spying. Yasir Afifi, a 20-year-old student from California, found a GPS tracking they were use- minimize suf- think it is great that the whole MTV thing is dead, and that success as a mu- device on his car this week. When he posted photos of it online, the FBI turned up at lays claim to all of Taiwan, which clears things up. sician does not necessarily depend on the performer’s sexiness and youth. his apartment, questioned him, and then asked for their device back. Afifi insists he has All governments in question report that the islands, less to all but students. These were lobsters we had to kill, fering, instead of just declaring the lobster’s welfare irrel- never done anything to merit surveillance, besides having an Egyptian father who was small, barren, and uninhabited though they may be, rep- or rather, we had to cut them in half and hoped they died evant and chopping it up alive and leaving it to slowly die the water tower is read by UVM students and Burlington residents, some the former head of a Muslim community organization. Nope, the FBI definitely doesn’t resent significant territorial interests and have been dis- quickly. Specifically we were harvesting nerve tissue that in a bag with its similarly-fated colleagues. of whom are actually over the age of 22. None of us chose which year we profile or anything. puting over them for longer than any of the countries in we were experimenting on, and first we had to cut the I don’t know if my talking about this will change any- were born. Please be more sensitive to this issue in the future. Also, get the question have existed in their present state. When the lobsters in half to separate the tail from the front. The lab thing, but hopefully the biology department will clean up hell off my lawn. Christine O’Donnell’s “I’m You” Ad. O’Donnell, the Delaware Republicican candi- confrontations began, both China and Japan were em- manual said we would be freezing it first and cutting off its act and treat its experimental creatures with a bit more date for Senate, recently released an ad that claims “I’m not a witch, I’m you.” The pires and Taiwan was just a Chinese island. With the ar- its head, then cutting it in half and harvesting its nerve respect before they have us hack away at their insides. Sincerely, ad is meant to connect with the average American and put a rest to allegations that rest of the Chinese fisherman, things came to a head and cord. I didn’t really like the thought of killing something, We should have to do dissections (a biology education Bea Arthur O’Donnell is involved in witchcraft – but to be honest, Congress is filled with people the Chinese and Japanese governments refused to negoti- but a lobster doesn’t have much of a brain and we were would be incomplete without them), but we should do it Sometimes reading the water tower makes our readers want to get naked and claiming to be “average Americans,” and they haven’t been able to get much done. May- ate. In retaliation, China arrested four Japanese nation- numbing it up and beheading it (to the extent that it has the right way. g fight the power. But most of the time, they just send emails. Send your thoughts be a little witchcraft would do us some good. als, saying they had entered military zones without per- a head), and that should have made it relatively painless. on anything in this week’s issue to mission. This may seem like an inappropriate reaction, In an advanced bio lab you expect to do some gruesome Toxic Sludge. An aluminum plant reservoir in Hungary exploded this week, killing however the Japanese company Fujita has admitted that stuff as a parting gift from the biology staff, so you can say [email protected] seven people and releasing copious amount of toxic sludge into a river. Some scientists the four individuals were part of an operation to reclaim you actually did something halfway interesting. are insisting that the sludge may not actually harm the Danube River, but there’s some- chemical weapons left in China by the Japanese Impe- Unfortunately, the class designers decided it was a waste thing about the words “toxic sludge” that we just don’t like. rial Army after World War II, which seems slightly less of time to freeze and behead the lobsters. We just cut them the water tower. than okay. All but one of the four have been released after in half when they were fully “conscious” and discarded uvm’s alternative newsmag apologizing to the Chinese government; the last is still the top halves, which were still alive and very much mov- uvm.edu/~watertwr being detained. Additionally, the Japanese have returned ing (not just twitching, actively moving around) in trash ______Editorial Staff the fisherman; he received a hero’s welcome in China on bags from which they tried to crawl while we experi- Editors-in-Chief behalf of his bravery. mented on their lower halves. We were studying nerve by jonathanlott Lea McLellan The rough patch seems to have been mostly finished structure and trying to get their nerve chords out of their Picture this: It’s 8:20 on a Monday morning and you’re Alex Pinto with michaelcieslak with after the Belgian meeting, which is probably a good tails to do various tests on how they functioned under an thing. With as many problems as the world faces, the two artificial current. We had been studying nerve function late for your class across campus. It’s raining, so you don’t News Editor Alternative sports are the backbone of this great country. In the soul of every great American there is a sky diver ready to heavyweights of East Asia do not really need to be fight- and so it was kind of helpful, but like all labs, it just rein- want to walk to class. Besides, the walk could take up to Paul Gross burst out. For example, in his free time, James Madison was an avid jai alai player. As the major sports take most of the spot- ing over unoccupied rocks. It is a good thing that none forced things we already learned or were going to learn. twenty minutes, so you’d be late for class anyway. Instead, light, we should take a step back and recognize some of the events that made this country great. This past week, Sheboygan, you wait at the bus stop for a few minutes. Reflections Editor of the arrested individuals were harmed or mistreated, as Everyone was basically trying to do things as quickly and MI played host to the National Tree Climbing championships. This year was dubbed “the year of controversy” as Mark Jones that would have brought the whole mess to a new level. minimally as possible, so I don’t know how much we re- You squeeze in among the crowd of other sleepy stu- Molly Kelly-Yahner thought he had won, until drug tests proved him positive for heroin, and a small amount of a bovine growth hormone. The dents who woke up a little too late. After two minutes of Erika Weisz Hopefully the two nations will use this incident as a stan- ally learned from it. title was then given to the man who came in second, Bartholomew Crinkle, who mounted his giant oak in four minutes and dard of what not to do with territory disputes in particu- Everyone was unsettled by watching the poor lobsters waiting, you see the bus turn the corner, approach you, Fashion Editor seventeen seconds. Just down the road in Houston, TX, the inaugural chimichanga-wrapping competition was a huge suc- lar, but really international relations in general. Further- wave their claws about as they were scissored in half, and whiz by, not bothering to stop and pick you up. An- Colby Nixon cess. In other news, bocce popularity is on the rise in most of the country. There is just something about those giant balls more, Japan sending agents in to whisk away dangerous and then futilely try to crawl around while dripping guts gry, you trudge to class in the rain, and arrive fifteen min- that people cannot resist. Sales of said balls are up 71% across the country. It is events like these that guided the making of armaments from Chinese bases just seems like asking out of their backsides. But we are all biology students; a utes late. Tunes Editor songs like “Proud to be an American” and the erection of Mt. Rushmore. This small article does not pay proper justice to the for trouble and raises questions about the nature of these bunch of us had experience killing experimental animals, Why can’t we have more buses on campus? I realize it Bridget Treco things that have given us our freedom, but it is step in the right direction. Semper Fi. weapons and why they are important enough to try and so nobody was going to make a real fuss about it. Biology, costs money to buy, insure, and hire drivers for them, but recover after seventy years. On the whole, both nations the science of life, involves death more than you might we really need them (especially for the coming winter). Humor Editor Can we not find the money to buy a bus anywhere? Or is Drew Diemar came off looking a little worse for wear, as neither han- want. The TA agreed that it was gruesome, but nobody dled the situations with great aplomb. Worse things have wanted to go to the trouble of finding ice to numb them Fogel too busy overseeing that construction that was sup- posed to be done a month ago? Managing Editor happened, however, and will most likely happen in the or to figure out how to behead an armored lobster in a Laura Dillon future, but hopefully not during a time when major world quick and efficient way. The lab took a while anyway, so powers are giving each other the silent treatment. g why make life more complicated than it already is for a Copy Editor Jen Kaulius with paulgross ______Staff Writers mike cappuccio Emily Arnow “Kim Jong Il expressed great satisfaction at how all army units are strongly prepared to smash Liz Cantrell and pulverize any surprise attacks by enemies and protect the Caleb Demers Greg Francese socialist homeland with an iron wall.” Emily Hoogesteger -KCNA, North Korean state run, propaganda television network on their Dear Leader’s apparent reaction to a recent military parade. Gina Mastrogiacomo You have to wonder what planet North Korea is on, sometimes. Sarah Moylan Olivia Nguyen Robin Tucker “This custom has been going on for centuries.” “UN climate talks in China end without -A Chechen business man who asked not to be identified, speaking breakthrough.” ______Art Staff on recent government crackdowns on the Borat-esque practice of -A BBC headline that upset me for a number of reasons. First and Art Editor “bride-stealing” that is commonplace in Chechen areas of Russia, most obviously, cause we probably need a breakthrough when it Vanessa Denino apparently. Supposedly what happens is men in a car drive up to comes to climate change. Second, because why the fuck is this a a woman on the street, shove her to the car, and sell her to a man headline?! And third, because it means that there will probably be Staff Artists (with her family often being complicit!) A frightening practice, no Greg Jacobs more headlines of this variety in the weeks to come. Victoria Reed doubt. As Borat said, “consent not necessary.” Malcolm Valaitis Danielle Vogl “The rescue is likely to start on Wednesday.” “We think he’s pivotal to the future of drug reform in -Laurence Golborone, Chilean mining minister, on a recent tri- this country.” Layout Editor -The Drug Policy Alliance, speaking about Napster founder and Megan Kelley umph in the resuce effort of the trapped Chilean miners. The Plan B rescue tunnel has broken through to the chamber where the min- Facebook co-founder, Sean Parker. Mr. Parker donated a sub- Layout Staff ers have been staying for almost two months. When they are pulled stantial amount of money to the Yes on 19 fund in California, the Grace Aragona above ground I honestly believe it will be one of the greatest hu- group who is proposing a ballot measure to legalize and tax small Dan Suder manitarian successes of the decade. Pretty cool what people can do amounts of marijuana. Honestly, though, if a has-been like Sean ______Special Thanks To when they stop killing each other for a few minutes. Parker is pivotal to drug reform, we probably won’t be getting much UVM Art Department Digital Lab drug reform. the water tower is UVM’s alternative newsmag and is a weekly student publication at the University of Vermont in Burlington, Vermont. contact the wt. read the wt. join the wt. Our generation stands at a crossroads. As we walk through a world ever connected Letters to the editor/ B/H Library - 1st Floor New writers and artists to a thunderstorm of news and reflection, we risk losing the ability to think for General email Davis Center - 1st Floor Entrance are always welcome ourselves. the water tower is for us non-thinkers. We provide witty and sometimes [email protected] Davis Center - Main St. Tunnel Weekly meetings outlandish opinions so that you don’t have to come up with them yourselves. We can’t Editors-in-Chief: L/L - Outside Alice’s Café Tuesdays at 7:30 pm promise that you will agree with everything that we say, but you will respect the te- [email protected] Mill Annex - Main Lobby Williams Family Room nacity we have to say it. Every once in a while we will generate something that is truly Advertising: Redstone Campus - Simpson Hall Davis Center - 4th Floor thought provoking. We are the reason people can’t wait for Tuesday. [email protected] Waterman - Main Lobby Or send us an email We are the water tower. Online - uvm.edu/~watertwr by jonathanfranqui

Vermonters seem to be incomprehen- ‘evidence’ of their theories. It’s almost sibly kind; even after living in Burlington comical, until you confront them about by lindsaygabel by ginamastrogiacomo for over a year I still find that people are their ideas. From my experience they’re surprising friendly and courteous. Maybe not aggressive, but five minutes speak- Something about the Fall just makes you long for a significant it’s just because I’m from Jersey, where ing left me with a headache reminiscent You may or may not have noticed that other. Maybe it’s the autumnal chill that somehow puts the pres- you’re liable to be run over in the street by to one I had after learning about Plato’s this semester has so far revealed a wealth sure on to find a snuggle partner, or maybe it’s the apple orchards a speeding motorist and sworn at for just philosophy for an hour. Except this time of new developments and budding trends. that call for a cliche and cutsey outing. about anything, but acts of charity up here it wasn’t Plato’s theory of form which left The fact that these observations are based I hear you, Fall - I’m single. Lay off already! still catch me off guard. The friendliness me grasping at straws, but their assur- solely on my one year of experience at We often have to supplement for a cuddle buddy because there’s of Vermonters is most clearly represented ance in conspiracy with almost zero hard UVM is irrelevant, as several conversa- only so many times that it’s really appropriate and totally un- on Church Street, the hub of Burlington. evidence. On the surface, the conspiracy tions with all-knowing and seasoned up- creepy to say, “Hey, um, do you mind if we just hold hands because With amusing street performers, friendly theorist seems normal enough, but any- perclassmen have confirmed for me that the leaves are so pretty?” Talk about awkward. local farmers selling their crops at the one insane enough to believe the informa- the wiser half of the undergraduate student In order to do this, fisherman sweaters are particularly useful, farmers’ market, street vendors, and an tion they’re preaching (mostly about 9/11 body are of a similar opinion. Regarding a preferably in a size XXL so as to provide ample room for snuggle- abundance of warm small businesses, it and the Obama administration) has a few few noticeable trends and changes around is easy to spend a lot of time and money screws lose in their heads. campus this year: “Maybe it’s the autumnal chill that somehow “Amidst the sea of well- After the clearly fake story about Wood- puts the pressure on to find a snuggle part- stock and the mind numbing conversation UVM’s Mission to Double Vermont’s wishers, there lurks a darker with the conspiracy theorist, all you want Population: This year, on any given day, ner, or maybe it’s the apple orchards that call side to Vermont’s popula- is some order. Vermont, however, has the Grundle will be packed like classes for a cliche and cutsey outing. other plans for you. As you head to the on exam days - so packed that there will tion. Eventually you’ll run mall, you notice a crowd which you mis- even be a line for that questionable-look- I hear you, Fall - I’m single. into one of these full-blown take as the site of one of Church Street’s ing zucchini meatloaf. So when hunger Lay off already!” crazy people.” many street performers. This was your compels you and your six roommates first mistake; the second was joining the to make the trek to Redstone only to re- age. Who needs someone to hold tightly when you’ve got a woolen crowd, as you’ve just come face-to-face member that Simpson Dining Hall is still partner that will be all over you? ...Literally. Maybe a large body with a drug user who is clearly out of pillow to make the colder nights more bearable? down there. However, amidst the sea of their mind. Drug users here in Burling- closed and then realize that Cook doesn’t well-wishers, there lurks a darker side to do Saturdays and the Marche has already Even the Fall fashion seems to dictate that we need a man! Have ton definitely make up the vast majority of you noticed all the magazines telling us that “boyfriend blazers” Vermont’s population. They may or may crazy people an average UVM’er will run exceeded its legal ‘number of persons’ ca- not make themselves obvious, but eventu- pacity, your only other option may be to and “boyfriend jeans” are what’s in right now? News flash, Cosmo: into. They are constantly under the spell what happens when I don’t have a boy to borrow from? ally you’ll run into one of these full-blown of some drug, whether it’s shrooms, acid, embrace your primal instincts and hunt crazy people and be caught completely off the local squirrels. Couples’ Halloween costumes? Being the seven dwarves with special K, meth, whatever. And when you your friends is just not the same when you could have been an guard. For all of you freshmen yet to come use a drug every day, shit gets ugly real adorable pair - like Lucy and Ricky! toe-to-toe with one of Vermont’s home- fast. Their general profile: cannot walk “The prevalence of It makes me think. Beyond the idea of the “Fall Boyfriend,” bred crazy people, there are several cate- straight, slurred speech, muttering, yelling dreadlocks and patchwork there’s sometimes this slightly masochistic need for companion- gories of oddballs you’re liable to run into obscenities at no one in particular (which has been dwindling as Uggs ship (in whatever sense you’ll take that word) as a means of ob- in Burlington, especially on Church Street. is kind of amusing sometimes), or just ly- taining some comfort and safety. There’s a sense of feeling loved or Your excursion to Church Street begins ing down in the middle of Church Street. have slowly infiltrated the liked, of having the security of somewhere to be and someone to normally when all of sudden, someone loren teetelli By far, the oddest experience of my life campus fashion scene. What be with, that brings about the warm fuzzy feeling that Fall, specifi- walks up to you and ask for a buck. Turn- was due to one of these drug addicts. On ing around, you find yourself face-to-face my way home from a party some random is more, far fewer UVMers cally, seems to inspire. with the first category of crazy Vermonter, weekend last year, a middle-aged man have been walking to class We should be okay on our own. Truthfully, though, I know I’m not there yet. I’m sure one day I’ll either marry or reach that level the Hippy. Everyone always jokes about who happened to be dancing comes up to without shoes...” of maturity where I feel secure enough to not long for it, but it’s damn hard when it seems as if Vermont is pairing off like it’s prepping Groovy UV’s reputation for pot-smoking me and repeatedly offered to perform sex- for a Biblical flood. hippies, and while there is some truth to ual favors. He wasn’t asking for money or Seriously, everywhere I look there’s some trendy couple straight out of the Urban Outfitters catalogue, lounging underneath a tree these claims, most of the so-called Hippies greg jacobs anything in return, he just really wanted or holding hands on their way to the DC. And it definitely give my heart a little twinge. do not even attend our school. They are to “please me.” Generally speaking, avoid Vermont’s Identity Crisis: Global In short, we might not be there yet. As individuals, as a category - even as a campus. I’m looking around and I don’t see anyone warming unleashed its wrath in the first most commonly found downtown around Church pretty funny and generally wouldn’t hurt a buying it), you notice, out of the corner these people completely, because if you’re with a crisp Shelburne apple feeling as satisfied as if they had a boyfriend or girlfriend. But with a vintage sweater and a hot cup of Street, always willing to sell drugs, tell their stories, fly. As long as you don’t make fun of their of your eye, a banner that reads, “911 was in the vicinity of one, they may just decide week of the semester with a brutal heat cider, we just might be able to get there and face the Autumn with a new sense of self. Go get ‘em, folks. wave, forcing those without air condition- or ask for a dollar because they’re down on their Birkenstock sandals or peculiar smell, an inside job!” Congrats! You’ve run into to make you part of their tripping fantasy. ing to sleep with minimal clothing and ice luck. Common features of hippies include: long courtesy of the all-natural ‘soap’ some of the second type of crazy Vermonter: the These are just a few of the curveballs packs; while those with air conditioning hair (may or may not be dreads), tattered clothing, them use, your time spent talking to a Ver- die-hard conspiracy theorists. A group Vermont will throw at you and as you had to watch their bank accounts hit re- sandals, and a glazed look in their eyes. Generally mont hippy can actually be fun. of them gathers on Church Street almost mature, young freshmen, your eye for cord lows. speaking, hippies are kind and will probably tell you After running into your common hip- every day to promote their theories about discerning who’s a bit unhinged will also some truly farfetched stories which will most likely py on Church Street and listening to his 9/11 and, more recently, the Obama ad- mature. You will become a pro at avoiding CONSTRUCTION: Launched to in- be amusing, but untrue. Honestly, hippies can be ramblings about Woodstock (yeah, not ministration. They even have videos with the darker side of Vermont’s population. stall, among other things, the necessary infrastructure for air conditioning in Wil- liams Hall if and when it is renovated. Yes, the construction does add time to your commute to class, but have patience peo- ple. Let’s think of the long-term benefits by jaradsassone-mchugh here (i.e. being cool in Economics lectures There is a plague ravaging across the still more ways to tell. There will be a Jimi during future heat waves). campus of our beloved UVM. It is a dif- Hendrix, Beatles and/or a Grateful Dead ficult disease to discern; it is very sneaky, poster next to the Bob Marley-smoking- Vermont Grass Conservation Project: it is incognito, and it blends into the back- a-spliff poster. Now ask what their top five Newly roped-off greens remind us all that ground of our everyday lives better than favorite Jimi songs are, and they’ll be lucky with lizcantrell grass is purely for looking at. So get off that weirdly quiet kid who lives down to even remember the names of two. After the greens you studying/relaxing/napping the hall. You need to be warned of this you have done this, walk into to any of the by robintucker hooligans. bubonic plague, lest you become victim on-campus dining halls, quickly yet thor- Libra: September 23-October 22 to its kiss of death. “What is this terrible oughly scan the place and look towards 1 Oh, you need to use to the bathroom? Nobody cares. Unlike Campus de-hippiezation: For years the disease?” you ask. It is none other than the first person who may or may not be a Mean Girl Lindsay Lohan, you don’t need the lavatory pass to As a Libra, the planet Pluto (which, in- prevalence of dreadlocks, patchwork, and Pseudo-Hippyism. hippie. Check what they are eating. If it’s leave the classroom. cidentally, is no longer a planet) binds you. homemade accessories has been dwin- What makes this disease so deadly is any kind of meat you’ll know what kind Thus you have no guiding force in life. Ex- dling as Uggs and the like slowly infiltrate that it is nearly impossible to tell who is of hippie you’re looking at. Next ask when 2 It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s…Blackboard? cept for the number 8 because (duh) you the campus fashion scene. What is more, an actual jaded, burnt-out hippie and who the last time they tripped out was. The are born in October. Octagons, except far fewer UVMers have been walking to is just a look-alike. These pseudo-hippies answer will be along the lines of “Dude, I 3 How long did it take you to get ready before high school? A stop signs, are therefore the shit. class without shoes (with the exception of are quite similar to the pacu fish, which is don’t do that shit. It fucks up your mind.” half an hour? An hour? Two hours? Your high school friends Good news: this month is all things oc- you, kid-who-always-walks-to-class-bare- identical to the vicious piranha yet shows What the fuck is that?! A so-called “hip- probably didn’t see your just-rolled-out-of-bed look much. Wait, to-related. The Marché will serve sautéed foot, as you, my friend, are at the moment no aggressive behavior whatsoever. The pie” that has never dropped acid? what’s that? You take a shower before Saturday morning break- octopus, you will hook up with 8 people single-handedly sustaining a time-hon- pseudo-hippie looks and sounds like one, So you’re still not convinced? Maybe fast at the Grundle? Yeeeeah, we’ll see how long that lasts… in one night (oh damn), and there will be ored UVM tradition by rebelling against but at a closer look is nothing more than a they are a hippie in the politically-active 8 inches of snow near the 28th that thank- federal health regulations. Yeah, you know regular person in a John Lennon Hallow- sense. All you have to do now is question 4 So if I don’t go to class…? No, the school doesn’t call your fully will melt by Halloween. In general, who you are). On another note, the cam- een costume. their appearance at any recent peace/anti- house. You don’t get a tardy for being late that is then multiplied you can expect fortune to smile upon you. pus presence of flannel is flourishing. Luckily, there are ways to tell these tie- war rallies or protests. They will timidly by the number of days divided by the square root of sports and For those of you who are not Libras, dye wearing, long-haired wannabes apart start to explain how they have been way raised to the power of procrastination to equal your eligibility in don’t ignore the power of 8 (well, 8 plus Fortunately, you can always count on from the real deal. At first glance inside too busy to go to any of those lately. If you extra curricular activities. 1) because Leif Erikson Day is the 9th. certain things to withstand the test of time. their dorms or houses you may see a peace still believe that this person is a far-out, Be sure to dress like a ferocious Viking, And indeed it is comforting to know that sign tapestry, but don’t let that trick you. groovy hippie, then there is one last way 5 After playing with #4 for a while you have an epiphany. Ooooh, kitty faraji in preparation for the 31st, and explore even if Burlington is suddenly designated Take a closer look around and there will be to disprove them. “Hey man, what’s your this whole learning thing—it’s all for my benefit. Not to men- neighboring residence halls for potential ground zero in the midst of a nuclear war, soap, shampoo and other cleaning prod- favorite quote by Timothy Leary?” The re- tion, after doing the math, each class that I skip costs about… habitation and conquest. All in all, the Blackboard will always be there to ucts strewn about. It is a known fact that sponse will be as follows: “Who’s Timothy Woah. Maybe I will get out of bed this morning… month promises to be one of delight for simultaneously squander both your real hippies are not the cleanest of people. Leary?” Libras and others alike. Rejoice. patience and your grade. Okay, so maybe there can be hygienically To all you pseudo-hippie bastards: turn conscious hippies. Don’t fret, as there are on, tune in, and shut the fuck up. the quim with colbynixon queeries “You guys got any Silly Bandz yet?” My friend Josh the quim queeries is the wt’s weekly sex advice column. someone on campus catch your eye? overheard a conversation in b-town? asked one night this summer, and before I could say, couldn’t get a name? was it hilarious? dumb? inspirational? “What the fuck is a silly band?” my friend Karl began to submit your love anonomyously tell the ear and we’ll print it. show off his collection. Here were three (relatively) nor- uvm.edu/~watertwr/iwysb.html uvm.edu/~watertwr/ear.html mal dudes hanging out, and yet the conversation could’ve been had between three twelve year old girls on a middle You sit near me in our Hebrew class. You seem so smart school playground. At first, I dismissed these as a joke, I and your red hair is such a turn on. I hear you are the mean honestly, what college student can pull off a look on Inside of Davis Center par with wearing pig-tails or Healies? QB for the football team too. Maybe we could “study” Girl 1 to Girl 2: “Well I know you really like him, but some football positions together sometime. L’Chaim! Silly Bandz weren’t even meant to be used as an you obviously don’t have the same assets that she does.” accessory- they were initially created by a Japanese busi- When: MWF afternoon (hand motions included) Where: Hebrew class ness group looking to create a more sustainable office product. It wasn’t until an American decided that small I saw: a bro redhead Outside the Marché I am: that cute brunette silicone bands shaped like animals were the future of ac- Girl 1: So I don’t even really need music anymore. It just cessories that they became a novelty targeted (at least, ini- plays in my head now! (starts dancing) tially) at small children. I wanna get on your level Girl 2: (no response) Send in your sex and relationship advice questions to but you fly above me. Everywhere I go, I see Silly Bandz- I was at a party downtown this past weekend- and these two girls the Quim Queeries, no matter what flavor you or they We make a good pair, In Bailey-Howe phone friendly area might be! Our advice seeker this week failed to provide coming up with service hours creatively. seemed deeply offended when I wouldn’t trade them my Girl on phone: DUDE, go get your fucking foot sewed “UVM” Band for their “sex-positions” Band (which, to be a pseudonym, so I’ll go with “Millionaire.” Think you can Oh hey Kathleen... back together! stump us with your awesome question and pseudonym? Can we get dinner sometime? quite honest, looked more like a bald eagle than some- thing I would ever want to attempt). I mean who does Write in and see! I’ll be your Bonnie, In UHeights South 1 You can be my Clyde. that? Who trades Silly Bandz at a party? Could the Beirut Girl 1: Don’t you dare put it down your pants. table be replaced by an underground Silly Bandz trading Dear Bliss and Mab, When: most days Girl 2: Too late. Where: the library and your bedroom market? Will people begin to base their get-ups on which color Silly Band they have? When will Mike “The Situa- I recently met the boy of my dreams. Only problem is, he I saw: Shanay-nay-nay-nay. On East Ave is a virgin. Let’s just say I am... a reformed slut. I’ve slept I am: from MICHIGAN tion” release his own line of Silly Bandz? No one knows Drunk girl: What the fuck is that dead animal!? My ears! for certain, but one thing is for sure, UVM has jumped on with a million people basically. He knows that, but I still Fuck! want him to trust that I think he’s more special when we go I saw you nervously eyeing the “fallout shelter” signs this bandwagon. I was hanging out with my friend, Phil recently, “all the way.” How do I make our first time perfect for him? around campus- In Sichel Hall I’ve only given him a BJ so far, FYI. Thanks! you must have been seeking them out. when the subject of Silly Bandz came up. “Do you want Guy 1: No more playing with lamps when you’re drunk one?” Phil asked. I hesitated- I had been holding out, Our gazes locked but not to each other, but to the lab dude. “Millionaire” partner pouring sulfuric acid with wild abandon. feigning a state of pseudo-ignorance with regards to the Silly Band industry- now I was being approached by the In the moments you weren’t nervously gazing to the sky, Inside Bailey-Howe Well, Millionaire, I’m not biologically male, so I went watching for solar flares that might wipe out mankind, subject itself. “They’re UVM one,” he added. That’s what Rich Girl: Ew, you don’t have a North Face sweater...wow. sold me- sure I don’t want to walk around with a dol- around to my straight guy friends this week, and asked you were perhaps waiting to finally find someone in Poor Kid: Yeah, but I got an egg salad sandwich! what they wish had happened for their first time, and those last few moments. phin on my wrist, but “UVM,” that I can do. The exclu- how the woman could have made it special. They couldn’t I bet you have a rented stockroom outside of town pre- siveness of this Band was also appealing- almost no one Outside Bailey-Howe had this- I was going to be like the kid with the Gyrados agree on a thing. People are different. That’s where com- pared for the coming apocalypse Dude 1: Look at that fucking hipster! With his huge munication comes in. I’m sure you daydream about living in a zombie infested where everyone else had Charmander & Squirttle. Fear glasses and fixed gear bike, what a douche. not, though UVM community, these Silly Bandz will be I’d say talk to him beforehand and figure out what world Dude 2: Yeah I see that kid all the time wearing thrift he likes, or what he thinks he would like. Talking to maybe I could bring over some canned food and we released to the general public soon, and then you’ll be al- store sweaters, def an out of stater most as cool as I am. g him about it beforehand and asking what would make could make a contingency plan? Dude 1: Tell me about it bro. it special for him separates him from the million oth- When: lack of sleep makes the days blend together ers, as does getting an STD test. Set an environment and Where: one of the many science buildings On North Street time with little stress or alcohol and, if you can, make I saw: someone as paranoid as me Bro 1: Dude what kind of meat do you give to a cat? this experience in some way tangibly different from your I am: scared of everything, and want someone to be Bro 2: I dunno what? other partners. Whether it is an act, location or mood, scared with Bro 1: Bologna. Get it, BELOW KNEE. Cause like a cat is change something. That way you can say, “You’re special. below your knee, and bologna is a type of meat. I’ve never done [blank] in this [blank] way before.” If you i hate you Bro 2: You’re an idiot dude can, make that change something that he is into: a loca- i can’t stop thinking about the way your face drives me to tion, theme, song - something about him. utter repulsion On Redstone Express Bus Sounds like you are getting a reasonably clean slate i wish i could clam up about how much it’s making me Driver: Smoke weed yo! here, so take this opportunity to instill some good habits. carp. it’s sendin me reelin overboard. i just cant salmon First of all, if you are trying something new, ask - don’t the strength to hold it inside anemonemore. i am up to Outside Williams assume. Setting up communication lines by asking ques- my gills in it! i must have you urchintly. i wish i could Boy 1: Semesters are so short. I could stand on my head tions and expressing your needs makes it easier for him stop making waves about it, but catching sight of your for a fuckin’ semester. to do the same. Make sure he knows that “harder” and “a face sends me gasping for air. Boy 2: Haha yeah I’ve done that. little to the left” aren’t criticisms, and that they help make i hate the way your raven hair glitters through the pale Boy 1: Put your dick in a pencil sharpener for a semester. sex better for both of you. moonlight of the soon to be ashen midnight sky after i Fuck it. Checking in with him beforehand will also help you kill all the land dwelling scum of this repulsive universe assess what his expectations are. Make sure he doesn’t ex- i feel like such a fish out of water On Spear Street pect it to be perfect, or porn, or both. Take the pressure i hate you so much Boy: Dude, we should just go fight some squid. off - he doesn’t have to be a rock-hard cockstar. Make it When: the coming apocalypse Feeling a little créatif? Wishing Vantage Point was published more than once a semester? Well now you can submit your creative writing, short stories, poems, drawings, black and about intimacy and not performance. Aim for fun. And Where: under water where do you think you idiot In UHeights North if he comes in 15 seconds, do NOT make it a big deal. I saw: so many potential irons in the fire white photos, and any other créatif things to the water tower’s new section, créatif stuffé. Girl 1: There were bottles of pee in my toilet. Send your submissions to [email protected] by Tuesdays at 4:00. Society has told him it is all about his dick; take this op- I am: orphaner dualscar, scourge of the seas Girl 2: Ummm, what? portunity to show him that hands and tongues are awe- Girl 1: They put bottles of urine - URINE! - in my toilet. some and important. Bring the condoms and lube! I stare at you a lot during our classes together, and I think you are really cute. Sorry if it’s creepy. You are the At the Davis Center Bring on the Queeries, president of the Film Club, I think. I like film too. And Biddy to friend: I hate the guy who invented cameltoe! Bliss and Mab Toni Morrison. Smile at me sometime? [email protected] When: Tues/Thurs German Bear Wrestling Where: Film/English class by alextownsend I saw: A bespectacled boy I am: A charming girl You were an adorably scruffy guy leading a tour in an orange sweater. I was just another girl walking by, part of the landscape. Let’s take a tour sometime! When: Friday Where: walking into the DC I saw: a sexy man I am: cute in the crowd cat litter: by drew diemar artwork by malcolm valaitis

cat libs: north beach boys It was the ______[adjective] -est day of the year so far, and even though there was still ______[noun] on the moun- tains, it was definitely North Beach time. I called some ______[plural noun], and told them to plan on ______[verb ending with –ing] their ______[plural noun] for the day. We went to ______[store name] and got some ______[noun], ______[plural noun], ______[plural noun], vegetable salad, and of course ______[beverage] Light Lime, ______[name of person in the room]’s favorite. We also got one of those styrofoam ______[plural noun] and ______[noun] to keep everything ______[adverb] ______[adjective]. The parking lot was so ______[adjective], we had to park way up at ______[location]. Once we ______[verb]-ed everything down, though, we knew we’d made the right choice in coming to the beach. We saw people playing ______[game], ______[nationality] horseshoes, and ______[noun] golf. We even saw some people ______[verb] in the water, but they quickly came back ashore, ______[body part] ______[verb] -ing. When we got the ______[noun] going, ______[name of person in the room] really piled on the ______[noun] fluid. The flames almost ______[verb]–ed ______[person in the room] in the face! The food was ______[adjective], and everyone ______[verb]-ed out. It was sunset before we ______[verb]-ed back up to the car, ____ [number] hot dogs and _____[number] beers later. I missed a ______[noun] and didn’t get my assignment in for class, but it was worth it for a/n ______[adjective] day at the beach.

SEEKING: UVM’S BEST BAND (/ARTIST/WHATEVER) shut up dude, We know you secretly play guitar. We know you and your friends have five tracks on myspace with 11 listens. We know you want to be the next bedroom laptop maestro to start selling out the Music Hall of Williamsburg. And you, yeah you, we know you rap das racist in front of the mirror Eight Mile style when you’re high and nobody’s home. So show by alexpinto us your stuff! Even if you’re not-so-underground and you already have stickers on all the lamp Das Racist is the new Kool G Rap. Das songs; on the other, one practically needs posts on campus, send links to your myspace, youtube, fileshare, etc, tothewatertower - Racist is kinda like rap-noise-pop. Das an MFA to get all the references to schol- [email protected], or drop a CD at our desk at the SGA. We will take all music at face Racist is “an existential meditation on ars and poets that they drop. This writer value, regardless of genre or recording quality, and reward originality above all. You’ve consumer identity in corporate America.” recently had to Wikipedia the “practical got all fall semester to get submissions in, and in the spring we’ll run a front page, According to my dad, they are “that band Marxist-feminist-deconstructionist” Gay- magazine-style profile and interview with the winner, and reveal our other favorites that mostly raps about fast food.” atri Spivak, in order to understand a DR and runners-up. …Or something like that. In the strati- line. The contest is open to all current students, grad or undergrad; non-Music Depart- fied milieu of mixtape-era hip-hop, pretty But if on paper one might write them ment faculty and staff; and even very recent grads who are still based in Burlington. much anything goes. A white American off as super-artsy, overeducated, Wesleyan Multiple projects from the same group are ok by us. Give us everything you’ve got. expat based in Paris with no musical train- snobs, actual listening to them proves Don’t be shy, you might just be UVM’s best! ing can call herself a rapper and then poke that they’re also at once comedians and fun at her own fans for listening to the shit pop music masterminds. Here riffing on she creates. A tatted-out weirdo from hanging with Mr. Belding, there claim- the Yay can release 1,000 songs in a year, ing to have “the flyest cave-aged cheese,” sometimes literally repeating a phrase like and now and then a chipmunk-y sample “suck my dick bitch” for three minutes, from Billy Joel or Enya posing as a catchy and before long he has a packed house in hook, and all of a sudden they are out of NYC eating from his palm. grad school and into party mode. Fun Another name for the whole family, in the mix with “here riffing on hanging if you will. Most of by emilylozeau Uffie and Lil B in their beats are emi- Women - Public Strain on Jagjaguwar Re- Deerhunter - Halcyon Digest on 4AD the “Hip-Hop vs. with mr. belding, there nently danceable, and cords Not-Hip-Hop” claiming to have ‘the flyest their references to pop Halcyon Digest is to Deerhunter what conversation is cave-aged cheese’...” culture and consumer Dissonance, discord, reverb, cheer? In Forgiveness Rock Record was for Broken Das Racist, a Wes- products amount to the hazy world that could be called post- Social Scene. But what is that exactly? I’m leyan-educated, some of the down- punk, Women draw on the usual suspects not going to say “accessible,” I just won’t. multi-ethnic Bronx duo that is known by right funniest rap ever put on wax. of sound to create something quite lovely. This here is a soft, dynamic, extremely well many for their pivotal song about the phe- Furthermore, if the stereotypical “gang- The first track “Can’t You See” does noth- organized record that leads from one song nomenon of Combination Pizza Hut and ster rapper” is a poster child for conspicu- ing to draw you closer— if anything, it’s to another on a giant rippling, white-wash Taco Bells. ous consumption, and a modern day warning you to run, before they taunt you wave. Every single track is a standout, ev- Listening to DR—who recently released ascetic like Sage Francis does his best to like the Frenchmen from the Holy Grail ery one hitting you from a different angle. their second mixtape, Sit Down, Man— stay divorced from consumer culture, Das (the ones that throw cows in your direc- “Desire Lines” is the winner for me. Echo- one receives conflicting signals. Do we Racist are jesters in the middle ground. tion). Then “Heat Distraction” warms you ing, majestic, a little post-punk rock and laugh with the duo, because we’re in on They are far from oblivious to the nega- up— layered gooey textures and peace- roll, topped off with the washed over vox their jokes? Do we laugh at ourselves, tives of consumerism, as they levy their ful, if not wary, vocals. From here on in, of Bradford Cox. “Revival” is a snappy 60’s because they’re making fun of us? Do we bitingly sarcastic remarks, but they are it’s a mixed bag. Sometimes hugging you tune, in the way of old Brian Jonestown just dance? The answer is, well, whatever still frank about their own drug use and (“Narrow With The Hall”), other times mimicked the by-gone-years, and “Don’t you want it to be. recreation, and at times are purely playful you get tracks like “Bell,” that put you off Cry” and “Fountain Stairs” bring Deer- If you allow them to, Das Racist floats with the absurdities of our culture—that with a cold shrug. Long loops of never hunter and Atlas Sound dangerously into the same “what is good art” conver- is, they don’t maintain a constantly con- ending synths and run-on intros leave the close to one in the same. “He Would Have sation as Dadaists or Captain Beefheart. demning attitude, even if there is a critical nagging thought, “Just what are they try- Laughed” gives a full-bodied, chimes and Their style is to put forth a loosely-con- subtext running through all their music. ing to do here?” They’ll simultaneously harmonicas playing atop the Swiss Alps structed stream of non-sequiturs, some- A perfect example is the reggae-infused drive you insane and leave you wanting kind of sound, a tribute to the late Jay times rhyming syllables that rhyme just tribute to one dollar cans of iced tea. Is more. Can they do that? Sure, why not— Reatard. Sometimes, Deerhunter is com- for the pure joy of it, sometimes using ab- it ironic? Is it genuinely rejoicing? Is it Women (even if they’re really men), as pletely un-navigable to me, but if you’ve ject repetition, sometimes doing random somewhere in between? These are ques- they say, have that prerogative. And these never listened to them, you couldn’t ask word-association—sometimes all of those tions they even pose in their lyrics: “Is it guys don’t give a flying cow what we think. for a better place to start. Magnifico! things at once, and to the effect of devas- parody, comedy, novelty? It’s scholarly--a tating social commentary. little bit of column A, a little bit of column Hottest Tracks: “Heat Distraction,” “Nar- Hottest Tracks: “Don’t Cry,” “Revival,” Like any art that forces us think, it can B.” A line that’s followed by, and I’m not row With the Hall,” “Penal Colony,” “Un- “Desire Lines,” “Helicopter” be intimidating or hard to listen to. On kidding, references to Wallabees, challah, together” one hand the listener needs to come pack- Slim Jims, Big Meech, Grizzy Bear, Biggie ing with a serious background in hip-hop Smalls, and Drake, in about ten seconds. If You Like: Beach Fossils, The Micro- in order to fully get the intertextuality of Call it what you will, but don’t say it’s not phones their references to lines from other rap skilled. g