What Is Abuse? S/M Is Safe, Sane, and Is It S/M Or Abuse? Consensual

What is Abuse? S/M is Safe, Sane, and Is it S/M or Abuse? Consensual

Abuse is not just an individual issue but a Over 15 years ago, the SM/Leather/Fetish Com- You might be abused if... community issue. It effects all types of munity established a community-wide ethic You cannot withdraw consent and stop families and communities including S/M, 1 known as “Safe, Sane and Consensual”. what’s happening at any time. 3 traditional, straight, polyamorous, monogamous, lesbian, gay, bisexual, and 1. “Safe” is being knowledgeable about the You cannot express limits and needs with out being ridiculed, criticized, or being transgender communities. Abuse crosses all techniques and safety concerns involved in what you are doing. coerced into changing them.1 social, ethnic, racial, and economic lines. Your partner threatens to out you for being Abuse is a pattern of behavior where one 2. “Sane” is knowing the difference between fantasy and reality. into S/M or being polyamorous, gay, person tries to control the thoughts, beliefs, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender. or actions of a partner, friend, or any other 3. “Consensual” is respecting the limits Your partner prevents you from interacting person close to them. Abuse is sometimes imposed by each participant. One of the in the S/M community or learning more also referred to as domestic violence, most easily recognized ways to maintain about S/M. battering, and intimate partner abuse. limits is through use of a “safeword” — Your partner ignores your safewords or whereby participants can withdraw Abusers may use a number of ways to tries to convince you not to use safewords.3 consent at any time with a single word or control their partner, none of which are You cannot refuse to do illegal activities acceptable in the context of a consensual, negotiated S/M relationship. These actions You cannot express feelings of guilt, jealousy, S/M is also Risk Aware or unhappiness1. cannot be stopped with a safeword and can include: Consensual Kink You do not feel free to talk to family and friends whenever you choose.

Physical Abuse (i.e. hitting, punching, Recently some members of the S/M community Your partner has threatened to harm your choking, kicking). have allied themselves with a personal ethic children, family, and/or pets.

Emotional Abuse (i.e. verbal abuse, known as Risk Aware Consensual Kink or Your partner has threatened to hurt RACK. themselves or you if you leave the relationship. lying, undermining self esteem).

Risk Aware stresses the need for players to Your partner has destroyed or broken your Sexual Abuse (i.e. forcing sex, rape, forcing personal belongings. sex with others). educate themselves about the potential risks involved in proposed activities and then make Your partner claims the right to control your Economic Abuse (i.e. controlling resources, decisions accordingly. When players under- behavior by virtue of their S/M identity, forcing you to live above your means). gender, income, or other external factors. stand the potential risks involved in proposed Outing (i.e. S/M, polyamory, GLBT) activities they can then give informed consent You are confused about when a scene to S/M play. begins or ends.3

Consensual refers to the consent that is given If you think you or someone you know is based on negotiation and an agreement to being abused contact respect established limits and/or safewords. The Network/La Red Kink is another term used to describe the Voice: 617-742-4911 TTY: 617-227-4911 myriad of activities contained in S/M. [email protected] Resources The Difference Between SM New England Leather Alliance (NELA) is an and Abuse: organization dedicated to making a safe place in the world for all SM/Leather/Fetish people through Is it S/M education, advocacy, and charitable giving. The most basic difference between We sponsor monthly events, publish a quarterly or Abuse? S/M and abuse is Consent. newsletter called "The Scarlet Leather," run the semi -annual Fetish Fair Fleamarket TM, and contribute to charitable causes. It is not consent if… NELA •You did not expressly give consent. PO Box 35728, Brighton MA 02135-0078 617-876-NELA •You are afraid to say no. [email protected] www.nla-newengland.org

•You say yes to avoid conflict. The Network/La Red is a domestic violence program that offers free, confidential services and refer- •You say yes to avoid consequences rals to LGBTQ, poly, and SM communities. Our services include: Hotline· Emergency shelter· (i.e. losing a job, losing your home, Support group· Advocacy· Safety Planning· Legal & being outed). other referrals· Newsletter· Community Education. A guide for people The Network/La Red S/M is... P.O. Box 6011, Boston, MA 02114 who practice S/M Hotline: 617-742-4911 (V) •Always consensual. Hotline: 617-227-4911 (TTY) [email protected] •Done with respect for limits. www.tnlr.org Office: 617-695-0877 v/tty •Enjoyed by all partners.

•Fun, erotic, and loving. A Collaboration Between: •Done with an understanding of This pamphlet was written by The Network/La Red: trust. Sabrina Santiago, MSW. and Portions of this pamphlet were adapted from: •Never done with the intent to 1. The SM vs. Abuse Policy Statement created at the The New England harm or damage. Leather Leadership Conference in 1998. Leather Alliance 2. SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay (NELA) Just because you consent to play Wiseman, Greenery Press 1998. 3. What is S/M? by Susan Wright and Charles does not mean you Moser, www.ncsfreedom.org. consent to everything. 4. The Difference Between SM and Abuse– A statement from Lesbian Sex Mafia (LSM). You have the right to set limits. 5. S/M is Not Abuse– Buckeye Region Anti-Violence This program is partially supported by MOVA Organization (BRAVO). through the 1984 VOCA grant from OVC, OJP, U.S. DOJ.