Mary Gossart, MS

Spanish translation: Bojana Stefanovska

Planned Parenthood Health Services of Southwestern Oregon

Mary Gossart, MS

Spanish translation: Bojana Stefanovska

2002 third edition

Planned Parenthood Health Services of Southwestern Oregon 1670 High St. Eugene, Oregon 97401 541-344-1611 x 23

THIS IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE

The changes in sexual attitudes, behaviors, and lifestyles that have taken place in our society present today’s parents - and children - with some of the most complex issues they will ever confront.

The importance of sexuality education has never been greater. Today, more than ever, parents, schools and communities seek ways to work in partnership to provide that education.

“There’s No Place Like Home... For Sex Education” / “No hay lugar como el hogar... para la educacion sexual” is designed to promote such a partnership. This project consists of reproducible parent newsletters in both English and Spanish which can be photocopied and distributed via schools, religious organizations, community agencies, etc. Five newsletters are available for every age/grade level, pre-school through grade twelve. Each issue contains sexuality information relevant to a particular developmental stage, useful strategies, communication hints, and suggested resources which support parents in the role of primary educators of their children.

This valuable tool assists families in communicating more openly about sexuality. Such communication can serve to:

• allow for the sharing of family values • provide accurate information to children • build effective decision-making skills • counteract negative and exploitive sexual messages in the media

Family communication about sexual issues can be a vehicle for shaping positive, affirming attitudes around sexuality, and it can help to reduce the consequences of sexual ignorance: embarrassment and discomfort, early sexual activity, unintended teenage pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections, sexual abuse, and exploitation. These problems cost us dearly - both in human and economic terms.

YOU ARE WELCOME TO PHOTOCOPY THE ENCLOSED SET OF NEWSLETTER MASTERS AND PROVIDE AGE-APPROPRIATE ISSUES TO THE FAMILIES YOU SERVE. Just imagine... reaching out to hundreds, perhaps thousands of families. As you distribute these informative newsletters, you seize the opportunity to make an important difference.., to children, their families, and your community as a whole.

• • • • •

Developed by Mary Gossart, Director of Education & Training, Planned Parenthood Health Services of Southwestern Oregon. Spanish translation by Bojana Stefanovska. 1999 English—Spanish edition funded in part by The Collins Foundation, Meyer Memorial Trust, and The Herbert A. Templeton Foundation.

Dear Parent,

The changes in sexual attitudes, behaviors, and lifestyles that have taken place in our society present today's parents - and children - with some of the most complex issues they will ever confront.

The importance of sexuality education has never been greater. Today, more than ever, parents, schools and communities seek ways to work in partnership to provide that education.

Experience tells us that most parents want to talk openly with their children about sexuality, yet often feel ill-prepared to do so. When to start? What to say? How to best express the family values you want so much to share with your children? These are but a few of the issues surrounding family communication about sexuality.

Frequently parents look to schools, religious groups and community organizations for assistance - seeking information, skills, encouragement, support. “There's No Place Like Home... For Sex Education” is designed to offer just that.

“There's No Place Like Home...” consists of reproducible parent newsletters to assist you in your unique role as the primary sexuality educator of your child. Five newsletters are available for every age/grade level, pre-school through grade twelve. Each issue contains relevant, age- specific sexuality information, useful strategies, communication hints, and suggested resources to support you in your efforts. You are welcomed and encouraged to photocopy this material for your use.

Family - based sexuality education can:

• allow for the sharing of family values • provide accurate information to children • build effective decision-making skills • counteract negative and exploitive sexual messages in the media

Our commitment to children and families leads us to join in partnership with you in pursuit of these important goals. To that end, we are pleased to offer you this valuable parent resource.

• • • • •

Newsletters developed by Mary Gossart, Director of Education & Training, Planned Parenthood Health Services of Southwestern Oregon. Spanish translation by Bojana Stefanovska. 1999 English-

Spanish edition funded in part by The Collins Foundation, Meyer Memorial Trust, and The Herbert A. Templeton Foundation.

Age 3 - No. 1

Sex Education??? My You cannot avoid being your When parents take advantage of Child’s Only 3 Years Old! child’s primary and most impor- such opportunities, they not only tant sex educator... nor would you provide important factual infor- want to. As a parent, you exert a mation, they also affirm their ...well then, already s/he has re- most powerful influence over willingness to discuss sexual is- ceived a wealth of messages your child’s sexual attitudes and sues with their children. This about sexuality - three years development. The family experi- helps establish an atmosphere of worth, in fact. Just think about it: ences you shape, from the mo- comfort and trust which encour-

ment your child is born, help de- ages children to seek additional • when infants are touched and termine the extent to which s/he sexual information from parents cuddled, they learn that they are develops positive, healthy feel- in the future. lovable. ings about sexuality. • Choices of clothing (pink vs. You needn’t worry about telling blue), toys (dolls vs. trucks), play- Yet the thought that sex education your child “too much too soon.” time activities (tea party vs. base- begins at birth is, for many, a S/he will simply absorb what s/he ball) all present messages about novel idea. The unsuspecting can and show boredom with the male/female roles and expecta- parent may allow several forma- rest (you know the signs: glazed tions. tive years to pass before the reali- eyes, yawning, leaving the • Seeing a brother, sister, or zation sets in: children - even room...). Your comments are not parent in the shower teaches very young children - deserve wasted. S/he may not have gotten about physical differences be- thoughtful, purposeful sexuality all the detail, but clearly the mes- tween males and females. education. As parents more con- sage is “mom and dad are • A parent’s willingness (or sciously attend to that education, ‘askable’.” lack of) to respond openly and they prepare their children to face honestly to the question, “How the challenges - and sexual Danger lies not in “too much too did the baby come out?” conveys choices that lie ahead. soon,” but in “too little too late.” an attitude about the subject of When parents recognize the ask- sex. OK - When My Child ing and respond openly and lov-

Asks, Then We’ll Talk ingly, they are well on the way to The fact is, you have been edu- providing quality family sex edu- cating your child about sex all ...but will you recognize the ask- cation. along - through your words as ing? Children are interested in well as through your silence; in sexuality long before they can your verbal and non-verbal com- verbalize the questions. For ex- munication. Your responses and ample, a pre-schooler may want reactions have taught your child a to watch daddy in the shower or great deal about sexuality - not touch mommy’s pregnant belly. only in terms of information, but These present ideal “teachable also in terms of your values and moments” to pass along lessons attitudes. on anatomy, reproduction and

birth.

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 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Age 3 - No. 2

Of Storks and Cabbage and it provides a sense of how When parents are careful to avoid Patches much the child already knows. stereotyping male/female roles, children learn that life options A 3-year-old’s view of the world The second response can be need not be limited by their gen- is a very literal one. For example, something simple, and honest: der. This does wonders for their when told that a baby is growing “You started as a tiny egg inside self-esteem. in mommy’s tummy, a child may mommy’s body.” This alone ask, “Why did she eat the baby?” may well satisfy the child (al- Take advantage of the many sim- The vision is one of a baby mixed though probably not), yet it leaves ple opportunities to broaden your with food in mommy’s stomach. the door open for further discus- child’s perspective with regard to Anything other than truthful, sion. sex role expectations: simple answers only creates con- fusion. The point is, honesty really is the •Share household chores. best policy. There’s certainly no •Allow and encourage children Beyond confusion, a sense of need at this stage to deliver a to play with toys and take part in mistrust may develop when a lengthy description of intercourse, games that cross traditional lines - child, told by her parents that the conception and birth. That’s not it’s fine for boys to play with stork brought her, later discovers what your 3-year-old is interested dolls and girls to play football. the truth. Through all this, the in now. S/he just wants some ba- •Read non-sexist literature to message implied is that sex is sic information. your child - with males and fe- negative - and not an ok subject males portrayed in a variety of to talk about openly, honestly. So relax. For the young child, roles. sex doesn’t have the same emo- •Pay attention to language im- Concocting fables in response to tional significance as it does for plying sex role limitations (ie. children’s sexual questions is a an adult. Keeping this in mind “fireman” vs. “firefighter”). Use disservice to them. Their ques- can be a great help to parents as “he or she” in reference to doc- tions deserve truthful answers - they encounter their children’s tors, nurses, etc. It’s awkward, scaled to their level of under- normal sexual curiosities. but makes an important point. standing, of course. Is Your Sexism Showing? Simplistic? Pointless? Don’t let For example, when a young child the subtlety fool you. When asks, “Where did I come from?”, During the pre-school years, par- parents refuse to pigeonhole a parent may at first say, “What a ents have perhaps the greatest op- male/female expectations, they fine question! Do you have any portunity to influence their chil- allow a child’s “self” to blossom. ideas about that?” This accom- dren’s sexual attitudes - including plishes three things: it clarifies ones about sex role expectations. what the child is really asking It’s a wonderful time to plant the (S/he may simply mean “what seed that both boys and girls are city,” in which case you’re off the capable of just about anything hook); it buys the parent some they wish. time to collect his/her thoughts; ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Age 3 - No. 3

An Ear Is An Ear ... encourages respect and a healthy •Q. Why does Paul stand up to attitude toward his body and pee, and I have to sit? ... and a penis is a penis, not a sexuality in general. •A. It's easier for girls urinate sit- “wee-wee;” a vagina is a vagina, ting down. Their “pee” - the real not a “down there.” When parents name is urine - comes out through use incorrect names for sexual What's That??? a small opening near the vagina. body parts, the message is that A boy urinates from his penis. they are somehow different or At age 3, a child is intensely curi- •Q. Can I have a baby when I get that there is something wrong or ous about bodies - and not just big? unmentionable about them. Often her own. There's particular fasci- •A. Only a woman can have a this results in children learning to nation with sex differences and baby, Johnny. She has a special be embarrassed or ashamed of body functions. This interest may place in her body called the uterus their genitals. be demonstrated in a variety of where the baby grows. Daddies ways: “playing doctor,” wanting help to make a baby. You can be Studies have shown the value of to watch mom/dad in the bath- a daddy when you grow up if you teaching children the proper room, genital play, comparing want to. names for sexual body parts. body parts to other gender friends Aside from promoting a positive or siblings. These are just some ideas on how sexual attitude, accurate termi- a parent might respond. You will nology can at times become espe- About this time, a girl begins to decide for yourself how you wish cially important. For example, if a wonder what happened to her pe- to handle your child's questions. child is trying to describe an in- nis, and a boy wants to know jury or inappropriate sexual “what those are” (pointing to The point is, children are seeking touch, s/he needs to be equipped mommy's breasts). Opportunities basic information at this stage, with language more precise than abound for sharing information and deserve simple, honest an- “down there.” on sexuality, growth and devel- swers. The important thing is for opment. parents to respond in a supportive Frequently a child may refer to manner. It's a nice time to get a sexual body parts using terms •Q. What happened to my penis? little practice. Take advantage of s/he's heard from friends. It's per- •A. You never had one. Only a the easy questions now... it will fectly fine to say something like, boy has a penis. A girl has a clito- help you respond to the hard ones “Some people call it a “wee wee,” ris. later. but that's just a made-up word. •Q. Can I see where the baby The real name is “penis” and came out of you? that's the word we like you to •A. The baby came out through an use.” opening between my legs called the vagina. I prefer not to show Such a simple, matter of fact re- you my vagina because it's a pri- sponse may seem somewhat triv- vate part of my body. Would you ial to us. To a child however, it's like to look at a book on how ba- an important lesson - one which bies are born? ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Age 3 - No. 4

Show Me Yours and I'll osity: “It looks like you two are being informed. It gives them a Show You Mine... interested in how boys' and girls' chance to convey their own fam- bodies are different. While you ily values and beliefs to their Hmmm. Your 3-year-old Jenny put your clothes on, I'll get a pic- child. and her little friend Will are play- ture book we can look at that ex- ing quietly upstairs - too quietly. plains all about bodies.” Mes- HELP!!! What are those kids up to? sage: It's ok to be curious about bodies; I prefer you keep your Relax. There's a lot of help out Uh-oh. Jenny's door is closed. clothes on; I'm willing to help you there... in the form of books, Resisting the urge to waltz right learn. films, classes, and resource peo- in (you've been teaching her about ple. Community schools and col- privacy these days - respecting There are a number of ways a leges may offer parenting classes closed doors and all that), you parent might react to this type of which include sexuality educa- knock. Giggling bubbles up from situation. When choosing your tion. Planned Parenthood is an within Jenny's room, and you response, remember to see the excellent source of speakers, think you hear a faint “come in”... behavior from a child's eye view. books and pamphlets. Your local so you do. Pre-school children are fascinated health department, private physi- with bodies. Their desire to check cians, family counselors and There stand Jenny and Will thor- out the differences between members of the clergy often have oughly enjoying that classic pre- “yours and mine” is a natural part valuable insights into family- school pastime, “playing doctor.” of their developing sense of self based sexuality education. They have shed their clothes and and sexual identification. are busily examining each other. For 3-year-olds and their parents, Now what do you do?! Since “playing doctor” is univer- several good books are available. sally popular among young chil- Preview them before using with You could respond with shock dren, it's likely you'll be dealing your child: and anger: “What are you two with it in your own family. Plan doing? Put your clothes on right your response ahead of time, Did the Sun Shine Before You now, and don't ever let me catch keeping in mind the messages you Were Born? Sol & Judith you at that again! Will, I'm taking wish to express. In this way, Gordon you home!” Message: The chil- rather than reacting in a knee- Bellybuttons are Navels dren are bad; curiosity about bod- jerk, perhaps negative manner, Mark Schoen ies is wrong; nudity is wrong. you can offer a thoughtful, posi- Talking With Your Child This of course leaves the children tive response. About Sex feeling confused, ashamed and Dr. Mary S. Calderone and Dr. hurt. After all, they were just dis- A final thought ... no matter how James W. Ramey playing a normal 3-year-old inter- you deal with this situation, it's est in bodies. important to discuss it with the other child's parents. They may or Perhaps you remain unruffled and may not agree with how you han- acknowledge the children's curi- dled things, but will appreciate ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Age 3 - No. 5

There's a Time and Place Many parents do not object to •Parents: talk with one another ... Or Is There? their child's genital play, yet feel about the messages you want to compelled (and rightfully so) to give to your child about sex. discourage its occurrence say, in •Anticipate sexual questions and Pre-school children fondle their the middle of the grocery store. behaviors. Plan and practice your genitals for many reasons. They It's perfectly fine to say something responses. may be sleepy or bored, nervous like: “Sara, I know it feels good •Answer questions as they arise. or upset... and it's comforting; when you touch your genitals. Replies such as, “Not now” and they may be in circle time listen- And it's something you do in pri- “You don't need to know that,” ing to a story, or engrossed in a vate - not where other people can teach children it's not ok to ask. TV show. Pre-school children see you.” This sends out a mes- You can delay a discussion with also fondle their genitals because sage about appropriate behavior “This isn't a good time now. Let's it feels good. If parents find this and respect for others. At the talk after dinner.” Then follow hard to acknowledge, perhaps it's same time, sexuality is kept in a through! in the challenge of accepting that positive light. •Tell your child if you're embar- children are sexual beings. rassed. A comment like “This is

Parents who accept masturbation hard for me to talk about, but I'm Masturbation is a normal part of may worry that their child is “do- willing to try” is wonderful! S/he development. Most experts agree ing it too much.” Children will will appreciate your honesty. that this can be a healthy expres- stop when they are satisfied, or if •Answer simply and honestly, sion of sexuality, regardless of they become physically uncomfort- leaving the door open for further age. However, some people dis- able. Compulsive masturbation - discussion. approve of masturbation for reli- compulsive anything - may indi- •Initiate discussion about sex. gious or other reasons. cate a problem. If a parent notices Ask, “Have you ever wondered

his child is masturbating to the about how you were born?”; use The way in which parents react to point where it interferes with picture books; visit a pregnant their child's genital play is impor- other normal activities, it is time friend. tant. Punishing, scolding, or pull- to consult a physician or other ing the child's hand away sends a •Use everyday events as “teach- professional. message that the genitals are bad able moments” for passing along

or dirty. It can foster guilt, shame family messages about sexuality.

and embarrassment. The “Askable” Parent Your child's initiation into the lifetime process of sexual learn- Attending to your child's sex edu- Parents who disapprove of mas- ing can be wonderful or difficult. cation may be an awesome task. turbation could explain to their The reality is, you are the ideal child - calmly and lovingly - that You get to choose. they believe this behavior isn't person for the job. After all, you acceptable. Simply telling the can best convey the family values child, “STOP THAT!” is rarely and beliefs surrounding this issue. effective; neither is trying to dis- Keep in mind a few tips to tract them with another activity. smooth the journey:

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 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Age 4 - No. 1

Sex Is No Secret To A Four to talk about sex openly and hon- times: during dinner at grandma's, Year Old estly. on a crowded elevator, in line at the checkout stand. If you're un- Even at pre-school, children share willing to discuss it at that mo- Just how much sexuality educa- lots of (mis)information about sex ment, let your child know it's the tion has your child had by age 4? with each other. Some of their timing that's bad, not the question. Plenty. And where has most of it ideas can be pretty wild... and “I'm glad you asked me, Michael. come from? Probably you... hope- they may not check them out with We'll have time to talk about it on fully in thoughtful, purposeful you. the way home.” This is far more and loving ways. supportive and positive than a

Considering all this “sex educa- stern “Hush, Michael!” or worse Parents are teaching about sexual- tion” that goes on with or without yet, silence. ity every day...from the moment parent consent, you'd be wise to their child is born. Showing love get your two cents worth in too! So your child's questions cause a and affection to children - touch- bit of embarrassment, or the tim- ing, hugging, cuddling...these are ing's awkward. Be happy s/he all ways of giving positive mes- feels comfortable asking you. sages about sexuality. How par- Wait a Minute. Haven't

ents respond (or not) to a child's We Discussed This? When young children don't ask natural curiosity about sexual dif- mom and dad about sex, it isn't ferences, body parts, where babies Don't be surprised if your 4-year- that they're not curious. Typi- come from, etc. certainly these old's sexual questions are the very cally they've learned it isn't ok to present loud and clear messages ones you thought were taken care ask, or that the subject causes dis- about sexuality. of when s/he was three. Through- comfort. Having such feelings out your child's early years, you reinforced as they grow up, chil- Beyond the homefront, children will be called upon to repeat the dren often turn elsewhere to sat- also receive plenty of sex educa- same “sexplanations” again and isfy their sexual curiosity... to tion - some of it negative, or at again... and yet again. friends, the media, personal ex- least questionable. Media mes- perimentation. The unfortunate sages about sex bombard the A 4-year-old learns by asking result is misinformed, vulnerable senses...from billboards to TV, questions - LOTS of them! As youth. magazines and music. you respond to sexual questions

patiently, openly, and honestly, Clearly, parents want to provide You may think your 4-year-old is you let your children know, (and children want to receive) oblivious to these messages. S/he “You're important to me. I am information and guidance in the isn't. So why not use them as op- willing to take time with you,” area of sexuality. portunities to share your own val- and “I'm glad you asked me. This

ues and attitudes around sexual- is a good topic for us to talk You can make that happen! ity? At age four, your child may about.” not fully understand your mes- sage, but one thing will be clear: Your child's sexual curiosity may mom and dad think it's important surface at the most inopportune ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Age 4 - No. 2

A Question of Birthday with family members vs. in public knocking; or maybe he's con- Suits places). A natural follow-up cerned about the noises, and could be a discussion about re- thinks mommy and daddy are “At what point do I insist that my specting privacy: fighting. Whatever the reason, child - or my partner - wear there he stands. You're caught in clothes around the house?” Par- Q. Mommy, why can't I take “the act!” ents often wonder what impact showers with you anymore? Ste- nudity in the family has on chil- ven showers with his mom. While it's the ultimate challenge dren. for parents to remain cool under A. That's something each family such circumstances, it's important While their children are young, decides on, David, depending on that they do so. Yelling (“What many parents have a relaxed atti- what they feel ok about. I like are you doing here? Get back to tude about nudity. Beyond the having my privacy now when I your room!”) or scolding (“How toddler stage however, especially shower. dare you come into our room

with children of the other gender, without knocking!”) causes Ricky This is reinforced when parents in parents may begin to question its to feel hurt and shame. Add this turn respect their children's right appropriateness. to the confusion he's experienc- to privacy. Knocking on a closed ing, and you have a very upset, Parents should examine their door, allowing private use of the frightened child. bathroom - these let your child comfort level around being un- dressed in front of their children. know you honor his/her wish for Through a child's eyes and ears, Comfort suggests a feeling of privacy. intercourse can seem like “daddy

“ok-ness” or self-acceptance is hurting mommy.” If caught in about the body. This is a healthy Often the whole question of nu- dity in the home takes care of it- the act, parents need to be calm attitude for children to learn. Dur- and reassuring. “Daddy and I are ing pre-school years, nudity self when the young child (per- haps as early as age 4) begins to playing together and loving each among family members in natural other. This is our private time, so situations (taking a shower, get- act a bit more modestly. S/he may be less inclined to be seen un- please go back to your room.” ting undressed) pro-vides oppor- Later, parents can follow up, re- tunities for children to find out dressed in front of others, and may even prefer that parents re- peating that mom and dad were about body parts and sexual dif- playing, not fighting. It's also a ferences...between males and fe- main clothed. Families should respect those feelings. chance to reinforce respect for males, kids and grown-ups. privacy: “Remember, when our

If parents are uncomfortable be- Realize too, that many children door is closed, please knock and ing undressed around their chil- may be quite comfortable with wait for us to say 'come in'.”

dren, they can certainly use an- nudity in the family, even through Handled with understanding and other method, such as picture their elementary school years. love, this can be yet another books to teach about bodies. It's “teachable moment” (although a important to talk with children Speaking of Privacy ... challenging one) for providing about when and where nudity You forgot to remind Ricky not to valuable lessons about sex. may be appropriate (ie. at home, enter your bedroom without ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Age 4 - No. 3

What Did You Say!? sense the word is shocking or Somebody’s Sleeping in provocative, and want confirma- My Bed Dad says (or rather, hollers): tion. A parent might ask, “Mary, what does that word mean?” then “Mary! Don’t ever let me hear Even at four years of age, many offer the correct definition. “Is you say that word again!” He children love to climb into bed that what you want to say?” This wants Mary to learn that “dirty” and snuggle with their parents. response neutralizes the word, language is unacceptable. It’s safe, warm, cozy... all those provides information, and dem- things that feel good to a little onstrates the parent’s willingness Mary thinks: “Ok. I’ll only say it one. to talk about sexual is- when you’re not around.” She sues/terminology, etc. realizes that certain words make Some parents worry about allow-

daddy holler. She’s not sure why. ing their children into bed with •S/he is angry/frustrated: It’s She doesn’t know what the words them. While many experts sug- important that parents acknowl- mean... or why they’re not ok. gest that children not routinely edge those feelings, and help the What’s really confusing is, why sleep with their parents, there’s child choose alternative words to doesn’t daddy holler at mommy certainly no harm in a morning express them. “You sound angry. or his friends when they use those family cuddle in bed. It can be a That’s ok, but I don’t like the words? And why does he say great time to talk, read a book, words you’re using. Can you them? tell stories... all harmless, good think of different words to show fun. your anger? Now... how successful do you

think dad has been in getting his If your 4-year-old is wanting to Certain parent responses can be message across to Mary? sleep with you, try to find out counterproductive, resulting in a why. Maybe she’s afraid of the child’s continued use of offensive Typically, parents are upset when dark, and dislikes being alone in language: laughing implies the their children repeat “dirty” her room; maybe he’s feeling the behavior is cute or funny; strong words they’ve heard at pre-school need for more attention or physi- reaction and severe punishment (or at home, for that matter). In cal closeness to you. may lead a child to become angry deciding how to respond, it’s or resentful; ignoring the behavior helpful to understand the reasons Once you’ve identified the under- for an extended period of time a child may be using those words: lying reason behind your child’s implies that it’s acceptable. request, you can then attend to the

•S/he wants attention: real issue. Satisfying the basic Finally parents need to remember In this case, the parent may needs of the child (security, love, to monitor their own language. choose to ignore the initial use of etc.) will often resolve his/her de- Since young ones love to imitate such language. sire to sleep with mom and dad. mom and dad, it’s unrealistic to •S/he wants information: A expect they’ll parrot only “cor- young child often uses in- rect” behavior. appropriate language without knowing what it means. S/he may ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Age 4 - No. 4

Protecting Children From touch hurts physically or is un- something which is ok to reveal at Sexual Abuse comfortable (being pinched; hav- some point (like a birthday pre- ing someone touch your pe- sent); tell your child s/he should nis/vulva when you don’t want not be told to keep secrets from It’s a heck of a reason to talk to them to; a hug that is too tight - or you. the kids about sexual issues - and forced upon you). •Practice “what if” with your it’s a compelling one. Sexual •Impress on your child that child. “What if a stranger asked abuse: a subject we shudder to “Your body is your own, and you you to help find her lost dog; or even think about, much less talk have the right to say ’no’ if any- the babysitter promised you more about. one touches you in a way you ice cream if he could touch your

don’t like.” penis/vulva? What would you One of the most concealed, and •Allow your child to decide say/do?” Rehearse exact words most disturbing crimes against whether s/he wants to give or re- and actions to help your child re- children, sexual abuse occurs far ceive hugs and kisses. Insisting act in uncomfortable or dangerous more frequently than we’d like to that Jimmy kiss grandpa is unfair. situations. believe. An estimated 1 in 4 girls Offer affection to your youngster and 1 in 10 boys, or more, are rather than impose it. Substitute These suggestions merely scratch sexually abused during childhood. “Can I have (or give you) a hug?” the surface. Several excellent re- Ten percent of all victims are less for “Give me a hug.” This helps sources are available to help par- than six years of age. your child feel a sense of control ents and children prevent sexual

over his/her body. abuse: Over 70% of these cases involve •Emphasize that no adult or older a person known by the child, such child has the right to touch a It’s My Body Lory Freeman as a step-parent or babysitter; al- child’s penis (vulva, etc), or to A Very Touching Book Jan most half of the abusers, the ask a child to touch his/her geni- Hindman overwhelming majority of whom tals. Explain that this includes A Little Bird Told Me About are male, are family members. family members. “I need you to My Feelings Marcia Morgan

tell me if that ever happens. It’s One of the best approaches to important that you let me know... Call your local Planned Parent- protecting children against sex- and not be worried that I might be hood, health department, physi- ual abuse is to help them pro- upset.” cian or sexual assault center for tect themselves. To do this, they •Tell your child s/he does not additional suggestions. need awareness, knowledge and have to blindly obey all adults. skills: “It’s wrong for a grown-up to ask The point is, awareness, commu-

you to lie or steal. It is wrong for nication, and assertiveness serve a •Explain the difference between a grown-up to touch you, or ask child well. Instill these in your good and bad touching. Tell your to be touched, in the bad ways we children, and you promote their child that good touch feels com- talked about. You should say 'no,' protection and safety. forting, pleasant and welcome... then come tell me.” (examples might be hugging or •Differentiate between “secret” cuddling - as long as it is appro- and “surprise.” A “surprise” is priate and with permission); bad ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Age 4 - No. 5

What Do I Say? What Do I Q. Did I come out of your stom- me on the mouth if you want. I Do??? ach? love it when you give me a kiss! A. No. You grew in a special Perhaps this idea of paying care- place inside me called the uterus. Playing doctor: You've stumbled ful attention to sexuality educa- When you were ready to be born, upon Laura and Tommy playing tion for a 4-year-old is new to you came out through an opening with their clothes off. They are you. Relax. You're in good com- between my legs called the va- busily listening to each other's pany gina. hearts with a toy stethoscope.

Historically, sex education con- Q. How do you make a baby? Parent: I see you two are inter- sisted of “The Big Talk - Part I,” A. Usually a mommy and daddy ested in bodies and how they which occurred sometime around make a baby together. The daddy work. I'd like you to put your puberty; and “The Big Talk - Part puts his penis into the mommy's clothes on while I get a picture II” with the boy's version taking vagina. A cell called a sperm cell book that explains all about bod- place during the dating years, and comes through the daddy's penis ies. Let's have some milk and the girl's just prior to marriage. and into the mommy where it cookies and look at it together. joins a cell made by her body, Most of us have few good role called the egg cell. This starts a Q. Why did the sitter tell me to models upon which to base our baby growing. stop touching my penis?

own children's sexuality educa- A. Different people believe dif- tion. We may be at a loss as to Q. Why don't girls have a penis? ferent things. Some families think how to proceed - what to say or A. Boys and girls are made dif- that it's not ok for a boy to touch do. ferently. Only boys have a penis. Girls have other special parts that or play with his penis. In our fam- By anticipating the sexual ques- boys don't have. ily we believe that it's ok... and tions and behaviors which are it's something you do in private, typical for your pre-school Q. Like what? like in your bedroom - not where child, you can prepare for other people can see. them. This way, you have an op- A. Well, one special part a girl While these are but a few of the portunity to carefully choose - has is the uterus, which is where a normal sexual questions and be- and practice - your responses well baby can grow. haviors you can expect from your in advance. Andy: How come I shouldn't kiss 4-year-old, they tend to be the Here are just a few of the sexual you on the mouth, daddy? trickiest. Having a chance to re- issues that come up for the 4- Daddy: Who told you that, flect on them ahead of time will year-old, along with possible re- Andy? allow you to examine your own sponses: Andy: My friend David. His dad beliefs surrounding them. Based told him boys don't kiss each upon those beliefs, you can then Q. How was I born? other on the mouth. shape the responses that reflect A. That's a good question. What Daddy: Well, maybe in David's your attitudes and values. do you think about that? family they don't kiss on the mouth. But you certainly can kiss ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Age 5 - No. 1

Kids Need To Know... Parents may respond with silence, Everyone has his/her own feel- Parents Need To Tell disgust, scolding... implying that ings about sexuality and about Them. sexuality is negative or dirty. Or, messages that are appropriate for they may respond with delight, children. Chances are you'll find Certainly by age 5, a child has a using these opportunities to offer family members, friends and good idea about where mom and loving, honest explanations... neighbors whose ideas and values dad stand on the subject of teaching the child that sexuality is are very different from your own. sex...and whether it's ok to even a wonderful part of being human. This can challenge your resolve to

talk about it. From birth, children communicate openly and honestly Families have so much to gain receive an array of messages with your child about sex. It may from open communication about about sexuality from their par- help to keep in mind what's at sex. Taking the initiative to de- ents: infants who are held and stake here... and what's more velop a dialogue of trust, parents cuddled learn about loving touch; important: your child's needs, can pass along important family toddlers exploring their bodies or the opinion of others? values. Children have the oppor- quickly discover their sexual parts tunity to gain accurate informa- - and their parents' reactions to There's a lot to be said for the tion and a positive regard for their exploration; the pre- child who knows that s/he can sexuality. depend on mom and dad to re- schooler who asks her dad, “Where's my penis?” becomes spond to sexual questions and The time to start this dialogue is concerns with respect, support aware if sexual questions are ok early - earlier in fact than many to discuss (or not) in her family. and honesty. parents would suspect. In today's complex world, perhaps even The 5-year-old has had a bit of “But what if he goes around the more so than in the past, children experience in the world: interac- neighborhood, sharing this infor- need and deserve thoughtful, pur- tions with family; exposure to mation with all his friends? 'Men poseful sex education from day other children and differing be- what?” one. liefs; TV, movies, magazines, ad- So what. Let's face it. Kids fre- vertising, music... which influ- But it's never too late to begin. quently compare information with ence the developing sense of And while you as a parent will each other about sex, whether sexuality, either directly or indi- not be your children's only sex parents want them to or not. Usu- rectly. Children cannot avoid educator, you can be (and are) ally it's misinformation. The bot- the sexual messages that per- their first and most important. tom line here is that children de- meate life today. serve quality sex education. Par- Natural situations, everyday mo- “What Will The Neighbors ents need not apologize for pro- ments and events lend themselves Think? “ viding that education - no matter to a child's sex education. With or who objects. without your consent they occur, “...or grandma and grandpa? How as the life and learning processes will they react to my openness of your children unfold. with Kenny about sex?”

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 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Age 5 - No. 2

Here We Go Again... be terribly confusing, so it's im- His concern right now is to re- portant that parents reemphasize store Johnny's positive feelings The sexual curiosities of your 5- personal beliefs. For example: about himself, his body and his year-old aren't so different from sexuality. the ones at ages 3 and 4. You may Johnny: Scott's Dad got really think, “I'm sure I told you where mad today. He yelled at us for Dad: Why do you suppose Scott's babies come from,” or “We've taking our clothes off. dad was so angry? already discussed what “belly- Dad: What did he say? Johnny: He thought we were be- buttons” are all about, remem- J: He said we were nasty. We told ing nasty. ber?” him we were just pretending to be D: Do you think you were? doctors, but he yelled at us again J: No. Your 5-year-old probably doesn't and made us put on our clothes. D: Neither do I. You and Scott remember. There's so much to were interested in finding out learn... and this is complex stuff. Scott's dad was alarmed at seeing about bodies. That's pretty nor- Maybe your child does remember his son and another boy un- mal. (sort of), and is just checking to dressed, looking at and touching J: Scott's dad thinks it's bad. make sure it's still ok to talk about each other's body. Perhaps he D: Well, he may believe it's not ok sexual issues with you. Please be worried this was “abnormal,” for kids to play without their patient and supportive. maybe he was upset because he clothes on. Some families feel that believes nudity is inappropriate. way. So when you're playing with The goal of family sex education His anger left the children feeling Scott, be sure to respect that, and goes beyond the mere presenta- hurt, ashamed and “nasty.” keep your clothes on. It's ok to be tion of facts. Ideally, parents curious about bodies. In fact, I seek to nurture in their child Johnny's dad believes that “play- have a book that shows all kinds positive attitudes toward ing doctor” is a normal childhood of bodies, and how they work. his/her body, gender, and sexu- experience - between same and Let's read it! ality. One way to do this is to other gender children. At this age, continue to be “askable” ... en- they're fascinated by bodies - how Johnny has heard some valuable courage sexual questions, ac- they look, feel, work ... and are messages: his dad re-enforced his knowledge and discuss sexual especially interested in “how willingness to discuss sexual is- behaviors, and initiate conversa- yours compares to mine.” sues with him and emphasized a tions about sexual issues. positive attitude toward sexuality. He realizes that often parents for- He acknowledged that family be- But Scott's Dad Said... get that a child's sexual behavior liefs differ, and it's important to does not have the same emotional respect that.

significance that it does for As your 5-year-old becomes more adults. Good work, dad! involved with others (in pre- school, kindergarten, etc.), s/he He also appreciates that families will also be exposed to differing have different values and beliefs family attitudes and values. It can surrounding sex.

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 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Age 5 - No. 3

Just When You Thought that some diseases like colds, flu, glecting or refusing to discuss this You Had It Handled... and chicken pox are caused by with children may only cause un- germs, which spread from person necessary alarm. On the other to person. If those germs get into hand, initiating discussion can We live in frightening times. The his body, he may become ill. Ask help allay their fears while pro- alarming incidence of HIV/AIDS if he has heard of AIDS (he'll viding important information to and other sexually transmitted likely say yes). Let him know that protect their health. At the same infections (STIs) has sparked se- AIDS is a disease caused by a time, you once again reinforce rious concern - and at times irra- germ called a virus. that you value open family com- tional fear. munication about sexual issues.

This may suffice for now, but ex- Many schools offer HIV/AIDS pand if he shows interest or anxi- A Little Help? education, grades K-12. Increas- ety. Find out what he's heard ingly, ads, news stories and public about HIV/AIDS, and correct any While various issues of this news- service announcements, talk of misinformation. letter discuss pertinent sexual top- safer sex practices, condoms, gay, ics, by necessity the scope is lim- lesbian and heterosexual issues. Contact your child's school to ited. Quality materials are avail-

see how teachers are dealing able which provide extensive in- As parents of a kindergarten with the subject. Discussions at formation and sex education child, you're totally baffled. Just home can build upon information strategies. Many address specifics what and how do you discuss s/he's learning in school. not covered here (e.g., concerns HIV/AIDS with a 5-year-old? of single-parents, adoptive, and

Appropriate messages about HIV/ blended families, gay- and les- Your child doesn't need confusing AIDS for a 5-year-old: bian-headed families): details about the complexities of

sexual relationships, sexual • AIDS is caused by a virus called How To Talk To Your Child transmission of infection, etc. HIV. About Sexuality S/he does however, need you to • Some viruses like HIV can only Planned Parenthood address this scary topic that eve- spread in special ways (e.g., by Straight Talk Marilyn Ratner & ryone's talking about. blood from an infected person Susan Chamlin

getting into another person's How Babies and Families are It's an ideal time to discuss gen- body. Made Patricia Schaffer eral concepts of wellness and • We needn't avoid people who How To Talk To Your Child staying healthy. Help your child are HIV+ or who have AIDS. About AIDS New York Univer- appreciate that much of his HIV is not easy to get. It is not sity/SIIECUS health is under his control. Hab- spread by casual contact (e.g., Heather Has Two Mommies its such as handwashing, dressing shaking hands, hugging, sharing Leslea Newman appropriately, eating nutritious food, etc.). Daddy's Roommate Michael foods, exercising, and getting Willhoite plenty of rest promote good We can't ignore the subject of health. Discuss basic facts about HIV/AIDS and other STI's. Ne- disease. For example, explain ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Age 5 - No. 4

Pregnancy/Childbirth 101 special. Sperm made by the fa- neighbor is pregnant, the ham- ther’s body move through his pe- sters are mating, etc.). Make de- Little ones are fascinated by the nis into the mother. If a sperm liberate attempts to educate your babymaking process. Most 3- meets an egg cell made by the child: and 4-year-olds are interested in mother’s body, a baby will start to • Children’s picture books on how baby “gets out of mommy.” grow inside the mother’s uterus.” sexuality can be wonderful! Your 5-year-old’s concern is a bit Read them together. trickier: “how baby gets in.” Not When providing this detail, keep • Look at family albums with one to put curiosity on hold, in mind that a 5-year-old is very pictures of weddings, mom - s/he’s likely to insist on an expla- literal. The term “egg” needs when she was pregnant, or the nation while you’re dining out at clarification, lest your child envi- new baby coming home. a restaurant, standing in line at sions mommy producing chicken • Comment on a news item that the movies, or at some equally eggs Remember too, the correct deals with sexuality. inconvenient spot. word “sperm” rather than “seed” • Watch movies/TV together. avoids the notion of flowers • Ask your child to draw a pic- Should the time or place be awk- blooming in mommy’s uterus. ture that shows a baby being ward for such discussion, say so - born. Talk about the process. while at the same time supporting If you’ve successfully made your your child’s interest. A parent way through the babymaking talk, You might consider that your might say, “What a wonderful congratulations! The topic’s not child has indeed been asking question! Let’s talk about that been laid to rest, however - just as about sexuality - often in non- when we get home.” (Then do!) you suspected. Your 5-year-old verbal ways - since birth. You will ask this one several more may not have recognized it as Brief explanations about inter- times (over the next few years) such, or perhaps you’ve given an course are appropriate for the before s/he’s gotten it straight. impression that it’s not ok to ask. 5-year-old. It’s highly preferable You can look forward to a lot Whatever has or has not been go- to magical stories of storks, fairy more practice. ing on, start something now. godmothers, and babies found on Since your children are learning doorsteps. While a fable may about sex whether you tell them temporarily get parents “off the When Children Don’t Ask or not, surely you want to get hook,” it is truly a disservice to your 2¢ worth in too! the child. Neglecting to respond If your 5-year-old doesn’t seem honestly to sexual curiosities adds the least bit interested in sexual to a child’s confusion or discom- issues and hasn’t asked any ques- fort about the issue. tions, it’s time to initiate discus- sion. A parent may simply choose to say: “When a mother and father The easiest way to begin is with want to have a baby, the father “teachable moments” - everyday puts his penis into the mother’s events that lend themselves to vagina. This is very loving and conversations about sexuality (a ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Age 5 - No. 5

Say Again? her body through the vagina. It's •Most children fondle their geni- called having a period. The lining tals - often when they're tired, J. Hey dad, do you use tom-toms has blood in it, and the tampon is bored, nervous - as well as for sometimes too? placed in the vagina to catch the pleasure! D. What do you mean, Jim? blood so it doesn't stain her •Masturbation is normal; not mas- J. You know, tom-toms. Like clothes. The bleeding is very turbating is also normal. mom has. normal. Make sense? •There is no physical or psycho- D. Jimmy, tom-toms are drums. J. Well, sort of. logical harm associated with mas- Mom has drums? D. Only women have periods, so I turbation. If a child masturbates excessively (interfering with other J. No...come on. I'll show ya. don't need to wear tampons - and normal activities), it may indicate neither will you. a problem. Parents would want to With that, Jimmy drags dad to the A young child might be alarmed call their physician or health care bathroom, opens the cabinet and if s/he discovers a used tampon or provider. pulls out a blue box. Dad's face sanitary pad. Associating blood breaks into a grin. “Oh those! with injury, s/he may fear mom is If parents disapprove of mastur- They're called tampons, not tom- hurt. So it's important to give bation, they can express that toms!” children accurate information. without causing the child to feel ashamed or guilty. Why clutter up a 5-year-old's Besides the fact that Jimmy de- head with talk of menstruation - serves an honest answer, his par- Parents who accept that masturba- and a boy at that! Well... because ents appreciate that he will be in- tion is a normal activity, need to he asked. While shopping with teracting with females throughout help their child understand the his mom, Jimmy saw her pick up his life. He needs to understand concepts of appropriate time and a box of tampons. Naturally curi- how their bodies work, as well as place: “I know it feels good to ous, he asked about them - and, his own. There's no point in keep- touch your genitals. But do so in valuing family communication ing body functions a mystery. By private - not where others can see about sexual issues, his mom ex- explaining issues such as men- you.” This sets important limits plained. Jimmy has since forgot- struation as normal and healthy, for the child. ten what “tom-toms” are all parents help children accept them about, so he's asking dad. as so. For some parents, masturbation may never be a comfortable topic D. Do you know what tampons Another Tough One ... to discuss, yet it's important to do are for, Jimmy? so. If parents merely ignore the J. Mom told me, but I forget. As is true for most sexual topics, behavior or try to divert the D. Well, each month, inside a there's no right or wrong answer child's attention with a toy or dif- woman's uterus, a special lining for the question of masturbation. ferent activity, they've missed an grows. If the woman becomes Each family must make a decision ideal “teachable moment” to pregnant, that lining is needed to based upon personal values and share information and values. help the baby grow and develop. beliefs. Along with this guideline, If the woman doesn't become consider the following: pregnant, the lining passes out of ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 1 - No. 1

Let's Talk •ease fears and anxieties children You might try asking questions often have around sexual curios- about sexual issues you think may This is it. First grade - real ity; be of interest to your child. For school. The big time. Time to ex- •build trust, understanding, and the 1st grader these usually in- perience delight and pride as you support; clude: watch your child learn, develop, •increase the likelihood that chil- • where babies come from grow. It's also a time when many dren will seek out parents for in- • body parts/functions parents feel a twinge (at least) of formation and guidance in the • male/female differences, roles, discomfort - some anxiety about future. and expectations the dose of “outside influences” • sexual language to which their children will now Your child is launching his school be exposed. career. What better gift to give In discussing these issues, with him than your commitment to your child, remember: First graders are gaining a stronger support growth and understanding • You are the expert at passing sense of themselves in relation to a in all aspects of his personhood - along family values about sexual- larger social world; they begin to including sexuality. ity. You do have the answers in measure themselves against new your heart, though you may need friends and school acquaintances; some practice with the words. what they see, hear and read • Listen to your child's questions - makes an impression. The impor- OK...Where Do I Begin??? and be sure you understand what tance of having that backlog of s/he's really asking. trust and open communication Begin by appreciating where 1st • Answer simply and honestly. with your child suddenly becomes • You needn't worry about telling perfectly clear - especially in the graders are at with their sexual curiosity. At this age, many chil- “too much, too soon.” Children area of sexuality. absorb what they are ready to, and dren are hesitant about asking If such a history hasn't been estab- questions related to sex. By the are not overstimulated, encour- lished, it's not too late to begin. time they're six, children have aged, or whatever by more detail. But please, do begin now - for the developed a fairly perceptive “ra- The real danger lies in “too lit- early years are critical as your dar” alerting them to topics, be- tle, too late.” child develops attitudes toward haviors, etc., that adults find un- sexuality. And, it's far easier to acceptable or uncomfortable. So Family sex education offers you, initiate discussions about sex they're wary of saying or doing as parents, a wonderful opportu- while children are young. things that might cause trouble. nity to speak from the heart to the children you love. Enjoy! Open family discussions about The early grade school child is sex can: naturally curious about many •allow parents to share important sexual issues - whether that inter- family values; est is verbalized or not. It is the •assist children in forming a posi- wise parent who encourages tive attitude and healthy respect communication. toward sexuality; ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 1 - No. 2

Silent No More •Have your child use proper terms wrong for them to do that. Secrets for body parts. Substitute “penis,” and surprises are different. Sur- “Don't take candy from strangers.” “vulva,” etc. for vague descriptors prises (like the present mom Remember the classic warning like “’private parts” and “down bought dad for his birthday) can from your own childhood? Usu- there.” eventually be told.” ally coupled with “Never talk to strangers,” this rather vague pre- •Emphasize that your child's body •Practice “what if” with your caution never quite spoke to is his own - no one has the right child. “What if the babysitter mom's and dad's true concern. To- to touch him in ways he doesn't promised you could stay up later day, we don't dare skirt the issue. like. He has the right to say “no” if you touched his penis?” “What We must talk with our children, to unwanted or uncomfortable if a stranger came to the door in no un-certain terms, about touch. while I was in the shower?” Re- sexual abuse. hearse specific words and actions. •Let your child decide whether to Help your child know what to do Studies suggest that 1 out of every be affectionate. Imposing hugs if s/he feels threatened - where to 4 children in this country experi- and kisses is unfair, and lessens a go and names of trusted adults ences some form of sexual vic- child's feeling of control over her who can help if parents are not timization before age 17; 15% - own body. available. 20% are boys. Contrary to the early warnings of our own parents •Explain that no adult has the Talking about sexual abuse isn't the typical child molester is not right to touch a child's penis easy. You worry about frightening the stranger who entices children (vulva, etc.) or ask a child to the children, about what to say, with candy. The majority of sexual touch his/her genitals. This ap- how to say it. Much anxiety stems abusers are adult heterosexual plies to family members too (ex- from the discomfort people often males who are rarely strangers. In plain possible exceptions such as have about discussing sexual is- fact, 70-80% are known to the a parent helping at bath time). sues in general. In addition to the child - and often are relatives. general tips offered here, there are •Tell your child she has the right excellent resources available By fostering self-reliance and as- to say “no” to any adult who asks through your local Planned Par- sertiveness in their children, par- her to do something wrong. “It's enthood, health department, phy- ents help protect them against wrong for a grown-up to ask you sician's office or sexual assault sexual abuse. But what else can to lie or steal; to touch you or ask center. be done? to be touched in the ways we talked about. You should say of A Very Touching Book Jan First, families must abandon the 'no,' then come and tell me.” Hindman idea that “it can't happen to me.” Loving Touches Lori Freeman Sexual abuse crosses all socio- •Explain that no one should insist It's My Body Lori Freeman economic lines, all religious and your child keep secrets from you. ethnic walks of life. Every child “If someone touches your pe- must learn safety information nis/vulva, and warns you not to and survival skills. tell me, it may be because it was

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 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 1 - No. 3

No Gender Limitations start competing with family influ- Cry “Foul!” ence. “That's girl stuff,” insists Tim The 1st grader may often use an when you ask him to help set the It's an important time to remind obscenity without having the dinner table. “Boys aren't sup- the 6-year-old that goals and ex- vaguest idea of its meaning. Past posed to do girl stuff.” pectations need not be limited experience has proven the word by gender. Help your child ap- to be an attention getter. Maybe Cringing at the hint of superiority preciate that both boys and girls that's all s/he wants. Or, s/he may in his voice, you think, “Wait a are capable of a myriad of ac- be curious about the term, but un- minute. Where did that come complishments. This can boost sure how to ask for permission to from?” This isn't the non-sexist his/her self-esteem and personal discuss it. attitude you've encouraged in growth. your son. Recently he's made sev- Either way, by calmly defining eral comments smacking of tradi- To broaden your child's perspec- the word, parents neutralize its tional male/female stereotyping. tive regarding gender role expec- shock value, provide accurate What's up with that? tations: information, and reaffirm their willingness to discuss sexual is- Old influences die hard. The •Share household chores. sues. A parent could say, for ex- school-age child has ventured into •Read stories portraying both ample: “That word is a mean way a world where s/he is exposed males and females in a variety of of saying _____. It's often in- daily to individuals with a lot of non-traditional roles. tended to be hurtful. Please find old habits. Historically, expecta- •Use language that avoids stereo- other words to say what you're tions - and limitations - based on typing (e.g., mail carrier rather feeling.” gender have been a way of life in than mailman, flight attendant this society: one set of standards, instead of stewardess; he or she If a child uses bad language out of values, and behaviors considered in reference to doctors, nurses, anger, frustration, etc., it's helpful acceptable for boys; a different etc.) Awkward? Perhaps... but to let her know that while the set established for girls Our gen- well worth the effort. emotion is perfectly acceptable, eral attitude about this is chang- the language is not. Then assist ing, yet in many families, tradi- As parents work to expand their her in finding alternate words to tional biases persist. children's horizons, they may find express her feelings. themselves at odds with influ- The “liberated male” you've been ences of the outside world. Rather Finally, parents might want to raising these last six years is be- than set up a “We're right, they're monitor their own vocabulary. ginning to feel the tugs of peer wrong” struggle, it's useful to ap- “Do as I say, not as I do” has little influence. For the most part, he'd proach it as “here's another way impact. Model the behaviors you rather hang out with the guys at to look at things.” Certainly in the wish to encourage. school; their opinions about him arena of sex role expectations, it's carry a lot of weight. Pressures to empowering to offer children an- conform, fit in, be one of the other way to look at things. group (and think like the group) ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 1 - No. 4

But What If... explanations can be simple, clear, your worries. If you don't know and factual. At the same time, the answer, say so. Then offer to Many parents admit to avoiding leave the door open for further look it up. Better yet, suggest that discussion of sexual issues with discussion. Remember, now is the the two of you go to the library, their children. With great relief, time to establish the foundation and look it up together. they'll seize any opportunity to for open communication... an get off the hook, assuming that environment in which your child In addition to providing factual somewhere along the line, kids knows it is safe and appropriate to information, many excellent re- will learn what they need to ask questions or voice opinions. sources offer help in the “how to” know. department. Check with your lo- Remember too that every day cal Planned Parenthood, public Its likely that these very same your 1st grader hears a great health department or private phy- parents truly want to be involved deal about sexuality ... from sician. a their children's sexuality educa- friends ... from the media ... S/he tion...yet feel ill-prepared to do certainly deserves to hear it from Unfortunately, children are hear- so. Fear, confusion, and embar- you. ing the most about sex from rassment are just a few barriers friends and the media. Surely par- that often get in the way. Let's see • I don't want to frighten or con- ents do not prefer this. When of- if the way can be smoothed a bit fuse my child. Parents often voice fered information, skills, assur- by addressing some of the con- this concern specific to topics ance, and support, parents can cerns parents have expressed: such as sexual abuse, childbirth, embrace their role as family sex etc. Truly, the bottom line is that educators with confidence! • I'm worried that giving my children are more concerned and child too much sexual informa- confused when they only have tion will stimulate curiosity and bits and pieces of information... encourage him to experiment. or misinformation. It leaves much This is related to the fear of tell- to their imagination, which can ing too much, too soon. The fact fabricate some rather frightening is, a child's interest in sexual is- details. sues needs no encouragement. That natural curiosity is alive and Know that by 1st grade, your well from birth! When efforts to child has heard something about learn about sexuality are ignored, sexual abuse, childbirth, etc., denied - or worse yet, punished - even if s/he has not heard it from children may become preoccupied you. It's best to introduce such with the subject, and more com- topics, discuss them calmly and pelled to experiment. openly, and allow your child to express any concerns or questions. • But she’s only in 1st grade. Isn't that too young? For lengthy, •I'm not sure I have my facts graphic detail? Of course. Your straight. That can be the least of ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 1 - No. 5

It's All About Self-Concept sense of “OK-ness” and self- day activities, you let her know respect. she is important. Having mom's It's hard to believe that first grade and dad's undivided attention - is almost over. What a milestone Upon entering the educational however brief - helps a child feel for your youngster: a full year of system, a child is exposed to very special indeed. real school just about completed pressures, demands, and expecta- tions that reach beyond the home- Achievement - Children learn by Along with accomplishments, front. It becomes especially doing... and need opportunities to perhaps your first grader has also important for parents to reassure practice new skills. Allowing experienced some failure and their child that a sense of worth them to make decisions will en- frustration. How has s/he fared? comes from within - and is not a courage a sense of competence As a whole, has the year been a function of appearance, being a and responsibility. joyful experience? A positive in- math whiz, or getting the lead in troduction to the academic world? the class play. Respect - Children are people too, and they deserve to be treated And just what does any of this As with all other aspects of fairly - with dignity and respect. have to do with sex education? growth and development, children Plenty. It's all about self-concept. need assistance in feeling compe- All of this may seem so obvious. tent, connected, and valued. Yet it's amazing how much good, You see, research tells us that Through their childrearing prac- common-sense parenting gets lost the sexual decisions and behav- tices, parents either foster or stifle in the daily bustle of family life. iors of adolescents are influ- that development. Consider this simply a reminder. enced by their level of self- esteem. High self-esteem corre- Approval - Children have a spe- The way children feel about lates with an increased likelihood cial need for praise. For them, themselves colors the way they that choices will be positive, parents' approval is a measure of live and relate to the world healthy, and responsible. their own value. Frequently rec- around them. Children who grow ognize and praise your youngster up feeling loved, competent, and It is during the early years that for a job well done or a good ef- worthy are far better equipped - as children begin developing a fort. adolescents and adults - to deal sense of their “OK-ness.” The with the issues of life... including formulation of self-esteem during Acceptance - While recognizing sexuality. the pre-school years is based your child's strengths and abili- largely on input from the family. ties, assist him in accepting his If Steven is constantly told he's a weaknesses. If he acts inappropri- “bad boy,” he'll soon define him- ately, be sure he understands that self as such - and act accordingly. while you do not like the behav- If, however, his parents empha- ior, you still love him. size that it is his behavior which is unacceptable (not Steven him- Attention - By demonstrating sin- self), he maintains his personal cere interest in your child's day to ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 2 - No. 1

Even in Elementary You are the expert when it ing, thoughtful sex education at School, Kids Are comes to passing along your home. family values related to sexual- Learning All About Sex... ity. You may need a little en- Today’s parents are raising chil-

couragement - some assistance in dren in a world that differs mark- from their friends... from the me- overcoming your discomfort. edly from that of their youth. In- dia... from... ??? Surely, they de- Perhaps you’d like a few tips on tense peer and media pressures serve to learn from mom and how to begin - or how much to encourage sexual activity at dad. say. That’s all fine tuning. But younger ages. The threats of sex-

the heart of the message - your ual abuse, HIV, etc. demand that It should be no surprise to parents values and attitudes surrounding we speak to our children - in that young children gather lots of sexuality - is within you. graphic detail - early on. sexual (mis)information on a

daily basis. Why, remember just When parents are actively in- Amidst all of this, the challenge is last weekend when you stumbled volved in their child’s sexuality to avoid scare tactics and deliver upon Nick, your little 2nd grader education, they can ensure that messages which present sexuality and his buddy, Craig? They were accuracy prevails. We know that in a positive light. The following having quite a chat... intense and children are exposed to massive are but a few of the resources lengthy whispers punctuated by doses of misinformation and which can assist parents in fram- fits of giggling. All of that came exploitive, irresponsible mes- ing those messages: to an abrupt halt the moment they sages about sex - from their spotted you! Chances are good friends... from the media... So it Talking With Your Child their conversation had something makes good sense for parents to About Sex Mary Calderone and to do with sex. blaze a trail of honest, informa- James Ramey

tive communication. Be available Sex: The Facts, The Acts, And And what about the movie you to dispel the myths, and set the Your Feelings Michael Carrera took the family to see the other record straight. (Of course, be day? You were careful to select Sex Without Shame: Encour- sure you have the facts straight an appropriate show for the chil- aging the Child’s Healthy Sex- yourself!) dren. What you hadn’t counted ual Development Alayne Yates

on were the steamy coming How to Talk to Your Child Ultimately, we wish for our chil- attractions for next week’s About AIDS New York Univer- dren a sense of appreciation and feature. You were more than a bit sity and SIECUS high regard for their sexuality. uncomfortable - and somewhat How to Talk to Your Child We want them to enjoy and cele- unnerved by Nick’s obvious About Sexuality Planned Parent- brate that very special part of interest in the whole thing. hood Federation of America. their being. We want them to

have self- respect - good feelings Let’s face it. Your children about themselves... every part of are hearing about sexual top- themselves, including ics whether you tell them or their sexu- not. There are advantages to ality. What better way to promote having you tell them. that vision than by providing lov- ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 2 - No. 2

Now What Do I Say??? cuss sexual topics with Dana. Dana has also raised the subject But, exactly what should she say? of AIDS. This is a hot topic, with Dana: Mom, what’s “gay” a mix of fear and misinformation mean? She might try something like this: being passed back and forth. It’s Mom: Well... it depends how the “Some men have loving relation- best they have a chance to hear word is used. (good strategy - ships with other men rather than from mom and dad. that bought you a little time) Tell women. That’s called being gay. Your 2nd grader can be told that: me what you’ve heard. (nice - Some women have loving rela- clarify what she’s asking) tionships with other women • AIDS is a serious disease Dana: At school today, David rather than men.” She could which is caused by a virus. called Max gay, and said he was also point out that these relation- • The virus is passed from per- going to get AIDS. ships are important and fulfilling son to person in specific ways: for for the couple. This may lead to example, if someone has unpro- OK mom, that settles it. Dana’s further questions like, “Is that tected sexual intercourse with an not referring to the happy-go- bad?” or “Why do people do infected person, or shares needles lucky “gay.” It also sounds like that?” for injected drug use with that she’s wondering about person. HIV/AIDS. You’re on. Talking with children about sex- •HIV infection and AIDS ual orientation can stir up com- doesn’t just happen to people who Consider this a great opportunity plex emotions. In discussing this are gay. It can happen to anyone for you and Dana to have an in- issue, parents can help their chil- who behaves in specific ways that formative discussion. I know, I dren avoid developing prejudices. might put them at risk. (Be pre- know... you’re a little nervous. If a parent disapproves of homo- pared to further explain what OK - a lot nervous. Dana’s only those risky behavior include: seven! She’s asking some pretty sexuality for religious or other reasons, s/he might say: “Fami- • We don’t have to be afraid of sophisticated questions! people with AIDS. The disease is lies have different opinions about Kids are growing up fast these this. What I believe is...” No mat- not spread by casual contact. We days. The AIDS crisis is speed- ter what, be sure your child can hug them, share food with ing up the process as the subject clearly hears that it is never OK to them, sit next to them, etc. is aired in the media - and in the hurt or discriminate against • AIDS can be prevented - and schoolyard. It can be most con- someone because of their sexual neither of you is likely to get it.

fusing and alarming to a 2nd orientation. As with all sexual issues, it’s im- grader. The good news is this Often, children repeat derogatory portant to leave the door open for tragic disease has created wonder- further discussion of AIDS. A ful invitations for parents and terms they’ve heard such as “fag” or “queer,” and may have little or good rule of thumb is “if they ask kids to talk about sexual issues. the question, they deserve an no idea of the meaning. Parents Dana’s mom can be pleased that can define the terms, explaining honest answer.” Young children her daughter felt comfortable ask- that they are cruel labels intended may not need graphic detail. They ing this question. By responding to hurt and tease. do need to know they can depend calmly and honestly, mom will on mom and dad to respond to reaffirm her willingness to dis- their questions. ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 2 - No. 3

You Thought That Was making babies may cause varying man's body may join an ovum - or Hard - Wait 'Til You degrees of anxiety for parents. egg cell - made by the woman's Try This... But really, it's pretty straightfor- body. This is how a baby starts. ward. On the other hand, the Do you remember what inter- thought of helping your child course is? Remember the days when, as a realize that mom and dad ex- pre-schooler, your child showed perience sexual intimacy for Son: I'm not sure. great interest in how babies were pleasure may stop you dead, in made? At times you may have your tracks. Dad: When a man and woman fretted that the interest felt more want to be very close with each like preoccupation. In reality, Is that ok to talk about? Of other in a special, loving way, the your youngster was just naturally course. It's important - and only man puts his penis into the - and appropriately - curious fair - that children learn about this woman's vagina. That's called about a fascinating subject. aspect of sexuality. Parents are sexual intercourse. truly the ideal source of this in- As a 2nd grader, your child formation, for they can provide Son: So people do that when they may be no less fascinated by the it within a framework of love want a baby? babymaking process (although and values. s/he is more sensible now about Dad: Yes, but that's not the only blurting out the question in a There are ample opportunities to reason. People have intercourse to crowded elevator). Resist the bring up the subject of inter- share a loving, pleasurable ex- temptation to assume that your course. Perhaps a neighbor is perience with each other. It may previous discussions have thor- pregnant, you've just dug out your be hard for you to understand - oughly covered the topic. De- child's baby pictures, or there's a and that's OK. Intercourse is not spite the eloquent explanations TV special on about pregnancy for children to do. It's a sexual you may have delivered in the and childbirth. These “teachable sharing for adults. past, the story bears repeating, yet moments” provide a springboard again. for discussion that might go At some point in the not too dis- something like this: tant future, you will want to begin You see, at this age children have discussing this issue in a much some difficulty grasping the no- Dad: I'll never forget the day we larger context: risks and responsi- tion of intercourse. Even more told you mom was having another bilities involved in sexual inti- confusing to them is “why anyone baby. You were about 4 - and so macy, the decision to become would want to do that.” And of excited! You had a million ques- pregnant, teenage pregnancy, etc. course, the most incredulous tions about how babies are made. Open and loving communication wonder of all is that “since there with your 2nd grader will help are two kids in our family, mom Son: Did you tell me? pave the way. and dad actually did that – twice! Dad: Of course! We explained Talking with children about sex- that when a man and woman have ual intercourse in the context of intercourse, a sperm cell from the

______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 2 - No. 4

If You Can't Beat 'Em ... read. More importantly, we can Don't be fooled by this surge of listen, watch and read along with independence. Back off enough to The U.S. has one of the most in- them - then discuss it as a family. allow your youngster to “test his tensive sex education programs in wings,” but don't back off too far. the world. Sadly, it's not happen- Instead of spending energy criti- Despite close ties to outside ing in the classroom. Nor is it cizing and blaming the media, use friends and activities, children coming from parents. It's appear- it to your advantage. It's a won- need to feel secure in their par- ing in the media (TV, advertise- derful discussion starter! Call at- ents' love for them. ments, music, on the Internet, tention to sexual messages con- etc.) and it's not what our chil- veyed by programs, ads, music While your 2nd grader may resist dren need. videos, web sites, etc. Ask your - even refuse - your hugs and children how they feel about kisses (especially where others Numerous studies reveal the po- them, and share your own values can see!), s/he still appreciates the tential for media to influence the surrounding the issue. The media offer. So please don't automati- knowledge and attitudes of young “teaches” about a broad spectrum cally withdraw usual displays of people: of sexuality-related concerns: re- affection, assuming your child no • From early childhood through lationships, stereotypes, sex roles, longer wants or needs them. Con- high school, television consumes etc. Take note of these too. tinue to check in with, “Hey, I'd more time than any other single sure love to give you a kiss. What activities besides sleeping. By helping young children recog- do you say?” • By age 18, the average student nize and examine media messages has spent 15,000 hours watching about sexuality, parents assist Children of all ages need to feel TV as compared to 11,000 in them in developing critical view- loved and valued. When parents school. ing skills. Not only does this take time to remind them of their • A Junior Achievement study equip children with a “filter” “specialness,” it bolsters their reports that media ranks 3rd be- through which to process the self-esteem. hind peers and parents in influ- messages, it also provides oppor- encing values and behaviors of tunity to strengthen family com- The link between self-esteem and youth. munication about sex. adolescent sexual behavior has received much attention. Positive Every day, media messages re- self-regard increases the likeli- plete with sexual references, in- hood of healthy, more responsible nuendoes, and behaviors assault Self Esteem: A Fundamen- choices - about sex as well as the senses. What's a parent to do? tal Building Block other issues. Demand censorship? Isolate chil- A young child's self-esteem re- dren? While we can set bounda- Second grade is a time of busy so- quires conscious tending and nur- ries, it's unrealistic to think these cial development for children. turing - and parents are just right messages will be completely Along with increasing concern for the job! eliminated from our children's about “what my friends think of lives. We can however, monitor me,” there's a natural desire to fur- what children listen to, watch and ther separate from mom and dad. ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 2 - No. 5

More Than Meets the Eye we are as males or females; our of sexuality with their children attitudes, values, and feelings than they do talking about the When you think about sex educa- around that; and how this affects mechanics. Seeing and hearing tion, what topics come to mind? our relationship to the world - and some ways to go about dealing Anatomy... intercourse... preg- the world to us. with the “intangibles” may be nancy... puberty...? Anything helpful. Beyond books, what else? A tremendous amount of sexual other assistance is available curiosity and learning has oc- something with a more personal While these are all components of curred for your 2nd grader touch? sex education, they comprise only over the last 8 years, whether a tiny fraction of the subject. you've taken an active, positive •Community schools and col- These are the issues that relate to role or not. Your responses (or leges frequently offer parenting the plumbing part of sexuality - or lack of) to questions about classes including aspects of sexu- as some kids refer to it, the “plumbing”; the modeling of rela- ality education. “organ recital.” You know ... the tionships between you and your mechanics. partner, family members, and •Physicians, family counselors, friends; sharing of values; nurtur- and members of the clergy may Let's consider sexuality educa- ance of your child's self-esteem... also provide valuable insights. tion in much broader terms, all this and more have formed the consisting of all of the above, as bulk of your youngster's sexuality •Your child's school or the local well as issues like body image, education. school district office may have self-esteem, love, relationships, suggestions on programs avail- respect for self and others, val- In years to come, the sexual spe- able for parents. ues, decision -making, and much, cifics - those issues more readily much more. It is truly a massive, identified as “sex education” - •Planned Parenthood is an ex- complex, and fascinating subject. will become increasingly com- cellent source of education pro- plex: puberty, gender orientation, grams and materials. As a parent, you routinely address teenage sexual activity, birth con- these issues within your family in trol, sexually transmitted infec- •Consider forming a support many ways. While doing so, tions. In giving your child the group in which parents can share you're also providing the mortar facts, your continued attention to concerns, ideas, and strategies. It and brick for your child's devel- the fundamentals of self-esteem, helps to know that others are oping sexual attitudes, beliefs, love, respect, etc. will help insure working on the same issues! and behaviors. a positive - and practical - learn- ing experience. It's all a matter of “sex” vs. “sexuality”: sex being a fairly You're Not Alone narrow term, usually synonymous with gender or intercourse; sexu- Many parents say they have a ality referring to that integral part harder time discussing the emo- of our being which defines who tions, values... the “intangibles” ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 3 - No. 1

It's Time to Talk surprising, considering their two nication about sex are more likely main sources of information tend to to form a positive, respectful out- How was the subject of sex han- be each other and the media. Not a look toward sexuality. We know dled in your family when you comforting thought. this from research, from experi- were growing up? Was it a fairly ence and from just plain common open topic? Were your parents So you see, the issue is not “sex sense. We also know that over the willing to talk about sexual issues education: yes or no?” but “sex years, this translates into greater in a frank and honest manner? education: when and by whom?” ability to make positive, healthy, Did they encourage you to discuss and respectful decisions about questions or concerns you might First and foremost, parents sex. have? need to be the “whom.” After all, as a parent, you are the ex- It may be tempting to shrug all of If the answer is yes, consider pert when it comes to passing this off with “Hey, I didn't get yourself fortunate - and unusual. along family values around much sex education from my par- Those raised in families which sexuality. You are the one who ents - and I turned out ok.” But placed a high priority on open, can best speak from the heart, of- keep in mind: our world has honest communication about sex fering guidance and support to the changed dramatically since we are truly a rare breed. children you love. This is not to were kids. What may have suf- say that accurate, useful informa- ficed in the past is grossly inade- Traditionally, sex education in tion is unavailable elsewhere. But quate now. America has been of the “too certainly parents need to be the little, too late” variety. Perhaps it key providers of that education. Keep in mind too that you needn't was assumed that “when the time go it alone. There are many excel- comes, the kids will figure out Ideally, the “when” would be lent resources to support and as- what they need to know.” That from birth. Truly, this is the time sist you. Check with your local approach didn't work well then - to begin establishing a conscious Planned Parenthood, health de- and it certainly doesn't work now. and loving family environment partment or physician. So... how many of you want to do designed to promote positive atti- things differently with your chil- tudes toward sexuality. Remem- Talking With Your Child dren? ber that parents communicate - in About Sex Drs. Mary S. Calder- both verbal and non-verbal ways - one and James W. Ramey We live in a sexually explicit perceptions, beliefs, and judg- world. Children hear all kinds of ments about sexuality. This communication begins, often un- sexual references and (mis) infor- mation at an early age. If parents consciously, with the birth of were privy to the schoolyard con- their child. And it has powerful, versations of typical 3rd graders, long-term impact on that child's they might well be shocked! Sexu- developing attitudes. ality is fascinating to these kids - a subject they chatter about with Children raised in families that significant inaccuracy. This isn't value and promote open commu- ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 3 - No. 2

You Did What???!!! Now that you've identified how don't hesitate to use one of the and why you feel as you do, take many educational books available The note from Danny's teacher a moment to consider why on this topic. Read it with him, left you speechless. It seems your Danny might have been inter- explaining how bodies look and 3rd grader and some of his bud- ested in such a magazine. Of function; how male and female dies were caught poring over a course, the easiest way to do this anatomy differs; how bodies “girlie” magazine brought to would be to ask him. In fact, be change during puberty, etc. school by an older boy. sure you do so. Not only will this give him a chance to explain, it Along with this, remind Danny “This must be one of those I will likely provide a good open- how you feel about magazines ‘teachable moments’ I keep hear- ing for a frank discussion about which are sexually exploitive. ing about,” you say to yourself. sexual issues. Help him appreciate that these But at this point, you're frozen publications can be offensive, and with disbelief, anger... perhaps a But for now, consider some pos- portray sexuality in a negative mixture of emotions you haven't sibilities: Danny was curious to light. quite sorted out yet. see what female bodies look like; he wanted to go along with his You're feeling better now, pleased Well, there's a good starting friends; it was tempting to do that you took the time to size up point: take time to sort out what something “forbidden”; all of the situation and put it in perspec- you're feeling, and why. That will the above. tive. After all, the “knee-jerk” help you figure out how to best reaction often results in messages respond to this incident. An You remember reading some- you later regret. Such a response “emotional inventory” will take where that it isn't at all uncom- can be more damaging than the some time - which you can buy mon for young children to original offense itself. with a simple “Danny, I need to sneak a look at “girlie” maga- think about this awhile before we zines out of curiosity. A harsh You now have a clear sense of talk. Let's discuss it after dinner.” parental response often leaves what you want Danny to learn them feeling embarrassed, guilty, from all of this, and how you You may decide you're feeling or ashamed of their sexual curios- want to present your message to embarrassed by Danny's behavior ity. In fact, it may further encour- him. (“What must his teacher think of age curiosity as they try to dis- me? Maybe she thinks we have cover why the big upset. “Danny, let's talk.” those kinds of magazines around our house!”); angry (“How could In any case, keep in mind that Danny look at that trash!”); be- children this age continue their trayed and hurt (“I've worked at fascination with the human body. teaching Danny to be positive and During this pre-puberty phase, respectful about sexuality. Then it would be helpful and reassur- he turns around and does some- ing for Danny to learn what thing like this!”). bodies are all about at various stages of development. Please ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 3 - No. 3

Tell Me About... The following are typical 3rd Q. Why is my penis so small? grade questions (and possible - A. Your penis is just the right size If you accept Freud's “latency” not absolute - responses) which for your age. As you get older and theory, you believe 3rd graders are often left unshared between start developing, your penis will haven't the slightest interest in parent and child: get bigger.

sexuality. While it's true that Q. How old do you have to be to Q. Brian's sister is having a baby many children this age hesitate to have a baby? and she's not even married. How ask adults questions about sex, A. As soon as a girl begins to can that be? it's not due to a lack of interest. menstruate, she is able to have a A. If a man and woman have sex- baby. Some girls begin menstruat- ual intercourse, whether they're On the contrary, 3rd graders are ing as young as 10 or 11. Just be- married or not, the woman might bursting with unanswered - typi- cause she is old enough to become get pregnant. Personally, I would cally unasked - questions about pregnant doesn't mean she's ready want to be married before having a sexual issues. The reality is, to be a mother. Being a parent is a baby. I think that's the best way they've often learned the subject big job. It's best for girls to wait for me to raise my family. Other is not ok to discuss. A few disap- until they're grown up before they people may have different beliefs proving looks or shocked, angry have babies. about that. responses are all it takes to drive that message home. Q. What about boys? When can Q. Kelsey got in trouble for saying they become fathers? f--k. Why's it so bad? In your own family, you may have A. As soon as a boy begins pro- A. It's a mean word for sexual in- worked hard to establish an envi- ducing sperm, he can cause a tercourse. It's usually said in anger, ronment which supports and en- pregnancy. Some boys are produc- or to hurt someone. courages communication. But ing sperm at age 13 or 14. But remember that your child's im- again, just because he's physically Children can be pretty resource- mersion in the outside world able to make a baby, doesn't mean ful. If they really want answers brings many influences into his he's ready for the responsibilities to these questions yet presume life. Like it or not, societal atti- of fatherhood. they can't approach mom and dad, they'll find other ways to sat- tudes toward the discussion of Q. When will my breasts grow? sexuality are still fraught with isfy their curiosity. Some of A. Different people develop at dif- guilt, embarrassment, shame, which may be useless. Or inap- ferent times. You're getting close fear, etc. propriate. Or harmful. to the age when your body will

begin changing... including your So you may find yourself needing So, a good rule of thumb is: file breasts getting bigger. I was about to prod a bit more to get the con- Freud's conclusion about “la- 12 when I started developing. versation flowing. There's no tency” under “Insufficient Data” - Maybe you'll take after me. need to force the issue - but do and keep talking with your kids. continue to remind your child that Q. Do boys have periods? you're eager and willing to talk. A. No. Remember that a period is the shedding of the lining that de- velops in a woman's uterus. ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 3 - No. 4

The Winds of Change rate - all of which is perfectly Parents further facilitate the dis- normal for the individual. Chil- cussion by sharing what it was I know what you're thinking: My dren who have not been offered like for them - their feelings, child's only in 3rd grade. There's this basic information can spend thoughts, and experiences during no sense in filling his/her head years worrying that “there's some- the early years of puberty. Besides with talk about development, thing wrong with me.” As a par- building trust and intimacy, this body changes during puberty, etc. ent, you're in a great position to sharing can be a source of great When s/he starts to develop, help your child avoid that kind of relief to the child who suddenly then we'll talk.” anxiety. realizes “I'm not the only one who's ever felt this way!” What's troubling about this atti- Consider too, the importance of tude is that it overlooks the value helping children understand de- Puberty can be wonderful, excit- of preparing children - ahead of velopment in both sexes. After ing, painful, and scary - all at the time - for the experiences of pu- all, where is it written that only same time! It is the wise and berty. Certainly, parents stack the girls need to know about men- thoughtful parent who assists his odds in favor of smoother sailing struation, or only boys are privi- child - well ahead of time - in if they address these issues well leged to hear about wet dreams?! preparing for the journey. in advance. This allows children Since males and females inter- the benefit of knowing what to act with each other throughout HELPFUL RESOURCES: expect, and the opportunity to the course of their lifetimes, it makes perfectly good sense that hash out questions, concerns or The What's Happening to My they appreciate how each fears they may be having about Body? Book for Boys Lynda other's body works. the process, before it even begins. Madaras

Lynda Madaras' Growing Up Since the 3rd grader may be very Remember too that puberty is Guide for Girls Lynda Madaras modest - perhaps even painfully not something that plays out It's Perfectly Normal: Growing shy about his/her body, there can over night - or even within the Up. Changing Bodies, Sex and be some reluctance to talk about course of a few months or years Sexual Health Robie Harris It's a process of change occurring this issue. A gentle way to en- over a period of perhaps five courage the communication might years or more, with the prelimi- include digging out pictures of naries beginning as early as age 8 your youngster at various ages, for girls, and age 10 for boys. So from birth to present day. Com- surely you can start discussing ment enthusiastically about “how this issue in a positive, reassuring, much you've grown and devel- and age appropriate way... even oped over the last 9 years!” Ex- with your 3rd grader. plain that there are many changes yet to come - changes which, if At this stage, the bottom line for anticipated and understood, can children is appreciating that each be an exciting, positive experi- person develops at his/her own ence. ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 3 - No. 5

Decisions ... Decisions ... You can assist your child in learn- In the adolescent years to come, ing the art of decision-making: your child will be faced with a Remember that sexuality educa- myriad of choices about which tion involves far more than just •Help your child gather informa- s/he will need to make decisions. teaching sexual specifics. In addi- tion and weigh options when One of these areas, sexual deci- tion to information, children need making a decision. Help him/her sionmaking, is especially critical. to learn skills which will assist consider possible outcomes of them in appreciating and handling each option. Much attention has been paid to this aspect of life. the connection between self- •Help your child understand that esteem, decision-making ability, A skill of major importance is decisions have consequences. and adolescent sexual behavior.

decision-making... something one Play “what if...” “What if you Evidence supports the notion doesn't learn to be good at over- chose not to study for your math that young people who feel night. Your 3rd grader has made a test?” “What if you go out for good about themselves, and number of decisions up to this gymnastics instead of basket- who have the skills and knowl- point: who to be buddies with at ball?” “What if a friend talked edge to make healthy choices, school, what games s/he prefers you into stealing gum from the are more likely to do just that. to play, what books to select from store?” This applies to sexuality as well the library, etc. Often, the choices as other aspects of their lives. are impulsive and readily influ- •Be accepting of your child's enced by others who have some decisions - as long as they are not It may be tempting to assume that clout. harmful. Understand that s/he “it will be a long time before my makes choices based on personal youngster has to worry about As s/he matures, life issues be- preference and taste. The decision those kinds of decisions.” But come more complex, decisions may not be what you would have keep in mind that media/peer in- more involved, and outside influ- selected. fluence and pressure hits hard - ences more intense. The wise par- and early - these days. In any ent will consciously assist his •Set limits for decision-making. case, the skill of decisionmaking child in preparing for the chal- If your child decides on some- takes time to nurture and refine. It lenge. thing clearly inappropriate or also takes practice. Help your dangerous, explain why you can- child practice now - when the is- Young people develop a sense not accept that choice. sues are not so vital. Begin now, of competence - and confidence and your child will be well pre- - when allowed to make their The ability to make good deci- pared when the time comes for own decisions. Give your child sions is a skill that must be “those kinds of decisions.” the opportunity to do so. Cer- learned. Children who are en- tainly a 3rd grader can choose couraged and guided in acquiring what to wear to school, what to this skill are well on their way to buy with the birthday money developing and accepting respon- grandma sent, or where the family sibility. might go for a Saturday outing. ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 4 - No. 1

Talk to Me - Please! questions which are certainly or somewhere your 4th grader is there - although often unspoken. likely to stumble upon them. You’re not the only one who's been noticing your 4th grader's If your family has a history of • Use TV, movies, and other me- growth and development. S/he open, honest communication dia to begin a discussion about has too - often with more concern about sexual issues, your child sexuality. Let your children know and embarrassment than pleasure. may likely check in with you how you feel about sexual mes- In fact, there have been quite a about these anxieties and ques- sages delivered by the media. Ask few experiences lately that are ... tions. If not, well ... don't worry. about their impressions. well ... just different. Like … at- It's not too late. But do begin now. traction to peers in more than just Already your child has gathered a • Call attention to newspaper arti- a friendship way; and classroom wealth of sexual information (and cles dealing with issues linked to teasing about boyfriends and girl- misinformation) from a number sexuality: HIV/AIDS, rape, infer- friends. Things are definitely of other sources: friends, TV, mu- tility treatment, teen pregnancy, changing. And s/he's not at all sic, the Internet, magazines... you sexual abuse ... these are but a sure how s/he feels about it. want to get your 2¢ worth in. few topics noted daily in the headlines. While exciting, the “newness” is The approach to puberty offers an also scary. Yet this is a time of ideal opportunity for discussion ... Open family communication such privacy and shyness about but don't limit the topic to physi- about sex does far more than just change that children often hold cal growth and development. ease the journey through the their fears of “Is this normal?” Children want - and need - to hear growing up years. It allows for and “Am I normal?” deep their parents' thoughts, feelings, the sharing of family values; the within. and values around a variety of provision of accurate - and valu- sexual issues. They want - and able - information; the promotion Your 4th grader is conscious of need - factual information, reas- of a positive, respectful attitude the impending onset of puberty surance, guidance, and support. If toward sexuality; the alleviation (that's right, mom and dad ... it you find it difficult or awkward to of fears and anxieties; the build- won't be long now!). Whether initiate such discussions, here are ing of trust, understanding, and s/he's started to develop yet or a few tips to assist you: support. not, it's likely s/he has friends or classmates who have. In fact, • Let your child in on how it was If you've already established these girls may begin developing as for you as a 4th grader. Share lines of communication within early as grade 3 or 4; boys usu- feelings, concerns, and experi- your family, great! Keep up the ally a few years later. ences you remember having while good work! If not, begin today. growing up. You and your child have every- In any case, parents need to an- thing to gain. ticipate this, and prepare their • Take advantage of the useful children in advance. This helps publications available for pre- ease the countless anxieties and adolescents. Leave them on the coffee table, in the family room,

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 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 4 - No. 2

What's Happening to Me? with these concerns - anxiously 6. Menstruation (2 yrs. after start worrying. Surely you know what of breast development) Puberty isn't the only sexual topic that's like from your own perils of 7. Underarm hair that bears discussing with your puberty. Do you recall thinking 4th grader, but it's likely to be up- years later, “If only someone had General order for boys: permost in his/her mind. Even explained what was going on with 1. Growth of testes and scrotum under the best of circumstances, me. I could have coped much bet- (between 10 and 13 ½, on average) this time of great change for ter!” As a parent, you can be that 2. Straight pubic hair youth may occasionally be con- “someone” for your own child. 3. Early voice change fusing and scary. Advanced 4. First ejaculation (about 1 year preparation for puberty is likely to Since we tend to assume that after testicular growth) result in a more positive view of children know far more about 5. Pubic hair becomes kinky the process. their bodies than they actually do, 6. Growth spurt a good rule is to explain every- 7. Underarm hair Menstruation and first ejaculation thing ... even that which seems 8. Significant voice change are often seen as landmarks most obvious. In this way, you're 9. Beard develops which signal “puberty has ar- likely to cover many of the un- rived.” In reality, puberty is a spoken concerns and questions. Of course, puberty consists of stage of life marked by a series of more than just physical change. events - a process that unfolds At 4th grade (which is still early Emerging sexual feelings, emo- over the course of several years. in the puberty game for the tions, relationships, stresses all Menstruation and first ejaculation majority of kids), one of the most are parts of the metamorphosis. actually occur fairly late in the useful pieces of information you Children often feel ambivalent process. Yet for some reason, can share with your child is a about growing up, and need reas- they're seen as “highlights” - per- rundown of the puberty chain of surance that such feelings are per- haps because they're such obvious events. While it's true that chil- fectly normal. signs of growing up. dren will begin developing at dif- ferent times, the sequence of The journey through puberty will At any rate, helping your child events is fairly predictable. never be a piece of cake. But par- understand the time frame of pu- Learning about this is far more ents can do much to alleviate berty can serve to alleviate clas- helpful to a youngster than merely some of the strangeness and fear. sic fears like, “Why am I growing having mom and dad say, “Don't One of the most useful ways is to so much faster than my friends?” worry, honey. You'll grow.” communicate. Talk with your “How come my friends are grow- child now about these issues - ing and I'm not?” When will I get General order for girls: even if you think it's a little early 'it'?” “What's wrong with me?” 1. Breast budding (between ages yet. “Am I normal?” 8 and 13, on average) 2. Hips broaden Chances are it's later than you Children who have had little ex- 3. Straight pubic hair think. planation of developmental dif- 4. Growth spurt ferences can become obsessed 5. Pubic hair becomes kinky ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 4 - No. 3

Talking With Children a person's bloodstream in order to hearsay, s/he winds up with an in- About AIDS: What They cause infection. complete, often inaccurate picture. Need to Know... NOW! The result is needless worry and During the pre-teen years (9- confusion. Such a child may fear 12), be prepared to offer your for the health and safety of his You never thought you would child more detailed information friends, his family, and himself. have to talk with your children in about HIV transmission and such explicit terms. But at this prevention. At this age, children Basic education can help prevent time, no vaccine or medicine can need to know that: that needless worry and confu- prevent HIV infection or cure sion. And when parents are the AIDS. The only protection you •HIV can be transmitted while source of that basic education, cm offer your child is education. sharing needles with an infected they have an ideal opportunity to Surely you want to offer that. person. These include needles pass along important values to the used to inject drugs, steroids or children they love. You know that your 4th grader vitamins. Razors and other sharp has beard a lot about AIDS - instruments should not be shared Where to Turn? whether you've told him or not. either. Children should be warned There are a lot of advantages to about piercing one another's ears, having you tell him. From the Perhaps you're feeling a bit over- tattooing, and "blood brother or whelmed. There's so much sexu- kids at school, he hears rumors, blood sister" rituals. speculation. From you, he can ality information to share with •HIV can be found in body fluids your child...maybe you're not hear the facts. You're in a posi- such as blood, semen, vaginal se- tion to provide those facts in a even sure of all the facts yourself! cretions and breast milk; it can gentle, non-threatening way... in a spread during unprotected way that will enlighten and em- Not to worry. There are many ex- vaginal, anal and oral inter- cellent books and pamphlets power, rather than frighten him. course with an infected person; Along with information, you which can help you with informa- an HIV+ mother can transmit tion, strategies, etc. Here are the will share family values - some- HIV to the fetus during pregnancy thing he won't be getting else- titles of a few that are particularly and/or birth. She can also trans- helpful: where. mit HIV to her baby through

breastfeeding. How to Talk to Your Child Certainly by 4th grade, children •People can protect themselves by should understand that AIDS is a About AIDS SIECUS and New not having sex, and not sharing York University serious disease which is caused needles. by a virus spread from person to •Latex condoms reduce the risk Let's Talk About S-E-X - A person. They should be reassured of HIV infection for people who that people do not become in- Read - and - Discuss Guide for have sexual intercourse. People 9 - 12 and Their Parents fected through casual contact (hugging, sharing food, sitting Sam Gitchel & Lorri Foster Granted, it's difficult to discuss next to an HIV+ person); rather these issues. But when a child's the virus must be introduced into Sex Stuff for Kids 7-17 Carole education about AIDS is left to Marsh ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 4 - No. 4

Family Affair sion, and lack of connection for sion, and a lack of connection for toward your son's. So let's make youth. Where is it written that the chil- sex education a family affair. dren's sex education is mom's job? As children mature, they initiate Or that dad should talk to the boys their own “hands off policy. It's and mom to the girls? Open com- That Special Touch somewhat erratic and unpredict- munication about sexuality is the able. On one hand, they may family's job, and the more every- Development occurring in middle show obvious distaste for parental one gets involved, the more bal- childhood can bring anxiety and displays of affection, flinching anced and effective it can be. awkwardness for parents and whenever mom and dad attempt children alike. Feeling unsure, to bestow a hug or kiss (espe- In addition to information and parents may begin backing off on cially if anyone else is around!). family values, parents offer their the physical touch and affection On the other hand, there are times personal perspectives, as male or they freely gave before. That can when kids ache for a warm touch female. It's important and useful be especially devastating to a - but don't - or won't - ask. (Par- for dads to share this with their child. ents are just expected to sense daughters and moms with their this, and respond appropriately.) sons. This is a time when children are preoccupied - almost obsessed At any rate, children need their Children will be relating to males with being normal; bodies experi- parents - BOTH parents - to con- and females throughout their life- ence furious changes in size and tinue offering, but not forcing, times and need to understand shape; emotions and moods can physical affection. (and will need about each other. For example, skyrocket, then plummet - all in this - whether they're 2 or 42!) boys deserve know about female the course of a few hours. This is Let them know you still enjoy anatomy and physiology. They a time when kids need that sup- giving (and getting) hugs and can learn an appreciation of the port and reassurance, that physi- kisses - and that you respect their female perspective. Girls deserve cal touch and affection which right to accept, to refuse - and to an understanding and apprecia- says, “you're OK.” change their minds! tion of males. Who better to offer that education than the other gen- Imagine how it feels when that's Talk with your children about der parent? no longer forthcoming from mom your own uncertainty or discom- and dad. fort. Encourage them to air their This isn't to suggest we discon- feelings. Decide together how to tinue “father/son” and “mother/ Whether it's the deeply ingrained handle this “touchy” issue. Rather daughter” talks. On the contrary. incest taboo, or just a misconcep- than automatically assume what These are special times shared tion that the kids aren't interested the kids want and when - ASK between parent and child. Also anymore, parents - and especially THEM! realize dad, that you're a valuable other gender parents - frequently resource, with much to contribute operate by a “hands off' policy at toward your daughter's sexuality this stage of their child's life. The education - just as you do mom, result can be loneliness, confu- ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 4 - No. 5

Dealing With Peer • Assist him in recognizing what What's going on here is not ex- Pressure peer pressure looks like - the sub- actly “playing doctor,” but it's the tle and blatant forms. 4th grader's version of checking • Share your experiences with out what bodies look like - AND - It's been apparent for some time peer pressure. Explain how you whether his looks like it should. now that the influence you have dealt with the situations. (Share over your 4th grader is waning a your failures as well as your suc- You see, it's common at this age bit. Let's face it, mom and dad, cesses!) (although not widely discussed) as far as your child's concerned, • Practice “what if.” Help her for same-sex friends to examine when it comes to certain issues, analyze consequences of various each other's bodies. It's all part friends have more clout. choices; brainstorm ways to re- of a child's natural curiosity,

spond - what could be said and and the need to confirm that his Just because you know full well done. physical development is OK. that this is a sign of normal, • Encourage him to come to you healthy development, doesn't if he feels pressured and unsure of This shouldn't be interpreted as mean you have to like it. At this what to do. Offer to be his “out,” “my son or daughter must be age, kids are increasing their his “excuse” if he needs one. Of- gay.” Both gay and straight youth separation from the folks, test- ten, kids look to parents to say engage in same-sex exploration. ing their wings, and becoming “No” in order to get them off the It's important for both families more independent. Scary, isn't hook with their friends. and young people to know that it? • Reassure her that even if she automatic assumptions about sex-

gets into trouble, you will always ual orientation should not be The world is a far different place be there. You may be upset, and made based upon this. than when you were 10. Today, you may even yell, but you will 4th graders experience pres- always be there for her. You may want to refer back to sures that you didn't confront this newsletter's issue, Grade 4 until high school - even college! Peer pressure isn't just a child- #2, which deals with the sequence Drugs, alcohol, sex, violence... hood dilemma. It affects young of changes that occur during pu- elementary school students are and old alike. Skills you teach berty. Take the time to share this grappling with adult issues and your child now will serve him information with your child so decisions! throughout his life. s/he can feel more comfortable

and confident about growth and It's not enough to tell your child, development. “Don't!” The need to belong Before You Jump to Any and to be accepted by the peer Conclusions... group can be powerful enough to make kids break the rules. Wait a minute. You understood it But it is helpful to your 4th grader when your child “played doctor” when you: in pre-school. But this is 4th grade! What's going on here!? • Acknowledge how tough it can be to go against the group. ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 5 - No. 1

What I Want to Know Is ... the Internet. Many messages are to your concerns and views. I also inaccurate, perhaps irresponsible, want to share with you my values Why does getting married cause even exploitive; a few may be around sexuality.” babies? Can boys have periods? factual; typically none contain the Can you get pregnant before you values you want your child to You needn't hold a formal ses- have periods? Do guys get sterile learn. Is it any wonder 10-year- sion. In fact, the more informal, from using all their sperm? What olds ask sexually simplistic AND the better - you'll both feel more are birth control pills? How does explicit questions? comfortable. Take advantage of sex give you AIDS? What's a wet naturally occurring “teachable dream? The best way to ensure that your moments” - a magazine article child receives accurate, value about teenage pregnancy, a news These questions were asked by an based sexuality education is for report on HIV/AIDS, a local pro- average group of 5th graders dur- you to be the primary provider. gram on sexual abuse. These are ing a sex education class. Some This is not to suggest that sex wonderful discussion starters. If questions may surprise you, ap- education doesn't belong in your child has not begun experi- pearing rather simplistic. You're schools. On the contrary, many encing the changes of puberty, thinking, “Surely 5th graders excellent school-based programs surely some of her friends have. know that!” Others shock you. “I exist (and for some students, This is a perfect issue to address can't believe they asked that - in these programs are their only with 5th graders, since typically 5th grade?!” source of factual information). they have many questions and But these programs need to be fears about it. You'd be amazed at how much viewed in conjunction with, not in 5th graders have heard about place of, parent-child There are all kinds of opportuni- sex, and how little they really communication about sex. A ties and sexually related topics, if know. It can put parents in an home/school partnership is ideal. only you're open to them. And awkward position. On one hand, remember to address those issues they frequently assume (incor- Don't be discouraged if you've you assumed were too advanced. rectly) that children understand had little open discussion about As witnessed by the sampling of far more than they actually do. sex with your child. It's never too questions, children have bits and Consequently, many overlook the late to begin. Perhaps your reluc- pieces of hearsay, a lot of confu- sexuality basics, neglecting to tance was due to embarrassment, sion, and an abundance of curios- pass them on to their children. On uncertainty, fear, or maybe you ity about sex. A good rule is to the other hand, mom and dad may were simply unaware of the need. explain what you think they want hold back on more explicit sexual to know - and more. issues, assuming (again incor- Whatever the reason, you might rectly) that “5th graders don't begin by acknowledging that to need to know such things.” your child... something like, “you know, sexuality has always been a The reality is, children are bom- hard subject for me to talk about. barded with sexual messages I do think it's important and want from friends, TV, movies, songs, to answer your questions, to listen ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 5 - No. 2

Trying Time prospect of growing up, many feeling a bit awkward too. Maybe kids (and parents) feel, “I'm not we can help each other.” If puberty is someone's idea of a sure I'm ready for this.” joke, nobody's laughing. To say If s/he's reluctant to talk, don't that this can be a difficult stage Let your child know that such force it. You might comment, “I for child AND parent is clearly an ambivalence is common. Encour- can see this is hard for you to talk understatement. age him/her to talk about feelings about now. Is there something I s/he has toward growing and could do to help? Would you like For children, puberty is the time changing; what s/he's looking to try again another time?” of life when they typically: hate forward to, or is concerned about. their bodies, no matter what the Know too, there are many ways to dimensions; feel weird, and can't Share your stories about puberty. impart this information to your figure out why; “know” they're Kids love being in on their par- child. Take advantage of the not normal; don't want to grow up ent's lives. It builds trust and reas- excellent books written specifi- or be treated like kids; and quarrel sures children that the folks ap- cally for youth. Leave them a lot with parents who “just don't preciate what they're going around the house where your understand!” through. child is sure to find them. (You read them too. Remember what For parents, puberty is the time Your 5th grader needs solid in- it's like to have puberty strike. when they typically: don't know formation about developmental Such a refresher can provide you what's gotten into their kids; feel changes that occur in both sexes with facts you've long since for- awkward, excited, and nervous during puberty. Knowing this gotten... or perhaps never knew!) about their child's changing body; well in advance can lessen anxi- At a later point, offer to discuss “can't do anything right!”; long ety. Children should be reassured the books with your child. for the days when they and their that each person has his/her own youngster could communicate - timeclock. The body develops Above all, be persistent in being without yelling; panic at the pres- when it's ready...some begin there and willing to talk. Don't be sures facing youth these days. early, others later. Even if they're pushy, or make a big deal of it... not satisfied with their personal simply seize opportunities which Science hasn't yet discovered how development schedules, children allow the topic of sexuality to one can avoid puberty. But, with are relieved to hear they're nor- come up. good preparation - knowledge, mal. skills, and a good attitude the Puberty consists of a series of journey can be rather exciting ... If your child is embarrassed or events which unfold over the or at least a bit more pleasant ... genuinely uncomfortable discuss- course of 4-5 years. Why not do OK - let's just say tolerable. ing these issues, acknowledge all you can to ease the transition this. You could say, “A lot of through those years? Your child Perhaps during no other phase people are embarrassed to talk will not be the only one who of life do people undergo such about these things. If you're feel- benefits! physical and emotional trans- ing that way, I understand. I'm formation. While excited at the ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 5 - No. 3

A Check List How to Talk to Your Child can result in new and intense About Sexuality Planned Parent- sexual feelings. This is normal It's a good time to assess exactly hood Federation of America and all part of the wonder and what your 5th grader knows (or Let's Talk About S-E-X Sam excitement of growing up! not) about sexuality. Inventory Gitchel and Lorri Foster what's important to understand by Talking With Your Child Deliver the family's party line on this age, and catch up on items About Sex Drs. Mary S. Calder- masturbation. If you believe it's which haven't yet been addressed. one and James W. Ramey acceptable, healthy exploration, Beyond the Birds and the Bees say so! If not, explain that without By 5th grade, children should Beverly Engel, MA, MFCC causing your child guilt or shame. have knowledge around anatomy and changes during puberty (for Urges and Surges If you've not built a foundation both sexes), reproduction and upon which to discuss some of birth. Hopefully you have talked The physical and emotional these emotionally charged issues, about HIV/AIDS, sexual orienta- changes which occur in children it makes it tougher ... but not im- tion, masturbation, and premarital during puberty are plainly evident possible. sex - and shared your related val- to their parents. But the accompa- ues. Have you talked about ex- nying transformation in sexual Possible icebreakers: ploitation and date rape? What feelings, urges, and fantasies are about sex role stereotyping, rela- not so obvious - in fact, they are •I remember being 11, experienc- tionships, and decision-making? typically kept hidden. ing a lot of new feelings and urges. I wasn't quite sure what to Without a chance to hear that it's This is by no means an exhaustive make of them. I know a lot of my perfectly normal for sexual feel- list. It's merely a reminder of the 11-year-old friends felt the same ings and urges to intensify, and knowledge that becomes even way, but unfortunately, no one for fantasies to become more fre- more critical at this age for your ever talked about it. quent during puberty, children child now. may find themselves a bit shaken •When I was in 5th grade, I was (“Is this supposed to happen?”). If you're looking at this list think- madly in love with a 7th grade

ing, “We haven't covered half of boy. I got chills just looking at It's also during this stage that mas- him. Have you ever had a crush this!”, don't panic. But do get turbation is usually rediscovered moving! The 11-year-old needs like that? (if it had ever been forgotten), solid information - often on issues along with any guilt or anxiety which parents assume are “too •When I was your age, I felt un- which may have been previously comfortable talking with my folks advanced.” attached to it. Rarely asked ques- about sex, but I had lots of ques- tions about whether masturbation tions. How can I help you feel You may find the following re- is good/bad often plague children. sources especially helpful: comfortable talking with me about these issues? Give children reassurance that the hormonal changes of puberty

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 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 5 - No. 4

Facts vs. Fears Top it off with a lack of under- prepared to answer the question: standing or someone to even talk Is it bad to be gay? Around 5th grade, young people to about these things, and you've begin wondering (perhaps worry- likely got a confused kid on your Explain that people have different ing) about sexual orientation: hands. opinions about sexual orientation. How can you tell if you're gay or Then specify yours. While shar- lesbian? What causes it? Does Whether your child has asked you ing your beliefs, be sure to em- masturbating mean you're gay? about sexual orientation or not, phasize that it is never OK to dis- Are lesbian and gay people nor- now is a good time to address it. criminate against someone be- mal? There are many lead-ins to the cause of sexual orientation. Point subject, including TV shows, out that words like "fag" and When you think about it, at this news reports, or a negative term "queer" are offensive and meant age, these questions are not at all overheard in reference to people to hurt. These terms are used in surprising. Puberty is the time who are gay or lesbian. anger or to ridicule. when children are at the height of growth, change, AND worry! You can help your child by point- Be sure to acknowledge that gay The events of puberty can ing out some of the common mis- and lesbian couples have loving arouse anxieties, uncertainty, conceptions. From what we now relationships that are as wonder- and confusion as perhaps no know: ful and important to them as any other stage of life can. It seems other couple's relationship is to the overwhelming fear is that of • People do not choose their sex- them. Let your child know that being different from their peers. ual orientation. you would love and support • No one can cause another per- him, no matter what his own As part of all this, concern about son to be gay, lesbian or hetero- sexual orientation might be. sexual orientation may begin to sexual. sprout. There's a lot of fuel for the • Being gay is not a sickness or Once again, you're faced with a fire: same-gender play is com- mental illness. difficult subject that needs to be mon, with friends checking each • Being gay or lesbian is not discussed - for everyone's sake. other out, partly in an effort to something that can or needs to be It's an issue that evokes a lot of validate their own development; "cured. " emotion, judgments, values - as sexual fantasies may include well as a hefty dose of misunder- same-gender friends; young peo- Encourage your child to express standing... which is exactly why ple frequently develop crushes on his feelings. Ask what he's heard many parents choose to avoid the same-gender teachers, coaches, from the kids at school. This may subject. etc. Add to all this, the pervasive allow him to discuss some of the assumptions about HIV/AIDS and anxieties he has about his own Please don't be one of those par- the gay community, along with sexual development. In addition ents. the common derogatory school- to reassurance, you can offer your yard remarks about people who personal values and perspectives are gay and lesbian. around sexual orientation. Be

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 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 5 - No. 5

Tell Me I'm OK correlates with more positive, At this stage, parents would do healthy, and responsible choices. Many 5th graders are anxious well to be especially aware of about the rapid changes they're their children's need for encour- Young people sometimes operate experiencing, both physically and agement and support. Young under the illusion that a sexual emotionally; they're worried people have a difficult lesson to relationship proves they are about their bodies: am I too learn: self-esteem is not and can- loved, worthy, etc. They may short? too tall? Why am I so flat not be based upon what others agree to or even seek out sexual chested? When will my penis think of them. The bottom line is activity in a misguided effort to grow? I hate my nose! how a person feels about himself. prove their self-worth. Yet pre- As one father told his daughter: mature sexual activity can leave They feel uncoordinated as arms “Annie, not everyone is going to young people hurt, confused, and legs grow, completely out of like you. And that's ok. What guilty, scared - perhaps even sync with one another; their counts is that you like yourself.” pregnant or infected with a sexu- moods are erratic, for no apparent That's a difficult concept for ally transmitted infection. Need- reason. Of course, it wouldn't be adults to accept, much less chil- less to say, the ultimate outcome cool to ask anybody about this dren! can sometimes be the further ero- stuff, so they frequently just suf- sion of self-esteem. fer in silence. No wonder self- As parents, we can offer our chil- esteem can take a nosedive dur- dren encouragement, understand- We owe it to young people to dis- ing puberty! ing, trust, praise, and apprecia- cuss these issues with them in tion. We can help them feel suc- depth; to share our perspective Self-esteem is something which cessful, acknowledging their suc- about the place of sexuality in parents have nurtured (or not) in cesses, and teaching them to learn one's life; to answer their ques- their child since birth. In fact, it's from the failures. tions; to listen to their thoughts, during the very early years that opinions, and concerns. Rather children develop a sense of their Along with this, we can provide than assume that your 5th grader OK-ness. For example: If they're complete and accurate informa- has plenty of time for such dis- angry about his behavior, mom tion about growth and develop- cussion, realize that children are and dad reassure Jay they still ment about the physical, emo- growing up much faster these love him - this promotes a posi- tional, and sexual issues which days. We must prepare them to tive sense of self; Lisa is encour- are all part of puberty. With fac- grow up safely - informed and aged to attempt new skills, to tual background, the unknown self-assured. stretch her abilities, and then is becomes less scary, less likely to praised for the trying - this pro- cause confusion and worry which motes self-esteem; David is re- so often threaten self-esteem. minded that his differences from others (whether physical, intellec- Research tells us that the sexual tual ... whatever) make him the decisions and behaviors of ado- unique and special person he is - lescents are greatly influenced that builds self-concept. by self-esteem. High self-esteem ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 6 - No. 1

This Too Shall Pass 6th graders know of someone - a that some of your child’s views friend or classmate - who is actu- differ from yours. Make it safe You don’t get it. You pride your- ally experimenting with sexual for him to disagree; help him self on the relative ease with activity (Yes! Unfortunately some know your love and support is not which you’ve discussed sexual children become involved very contingent on his acceptance of issues with your child in the past: early!) Suddenly, sexuality is hit- your views. answering questions honestly; ting too close to home, it’s initiating conversation; creating scary...and “I’d rather not talk • Acknowledge your child’s reac- an environment in which sexual- about it!” tions...something like: “You look ity is viewed as a special and uncomfortable talking about this. positive aspect of ourselves. Such is a typical 11-year-old’s How can we make it easier?” or response to the topic of sex. It’s “When I was young, I was so con- What happened? Suddenly, your now especially important that fused about sex that I had a hard 6th grader has decided the topic is parents muster patience, under- time asking questions. Is that off limits. S/he’s appalled (em- standing, and support in order to how you feel?” barrassed, disgusted, nervous ... teach children what they need to take your pick...) whenever the know: • Acknowledge your own feel- subject comes up. That’s just ings, for example: “I’m frustrated what you’ve been trying to pre- • Continue broaching the subject that you seem to be tuning me vent... why you’ve worked so - keep it light, don’t push. Settle out. I’d like to be able to talk hard to communicate. And it’s for a monologue if need be...at about this together .” come to this? So you wonder, least it’s putting out your mes- “What did I do wrong?” sage. • Invest in some of the wonderful sexuality books written for young Nothing. You have a typical 6th • Avoid preaching. As sex be- people. Leave them in an obvi- grader. As 6th graders go, sex is comes more of a real issue in a ous place. gross, embarrassing, stupid, funny, child’s life, it’s easy for parents to or all of the above. B.P. (Before fall into the lecture mode. “Do • Keep your sense of humor... and Puberty), things were different: this... don’t do that” is likely to use it. This needn’t be a heavy sexuality was neat to talk about fall on deaf ears - spurring even subject. Take comfort knowing with the folks; the issues were more resistance to discussion. that your child is moving toward matter of fact, non-threatening, When parents truly listen to their A.P. (After Puberty). and your child was an interested children, encouraging them to bystander. express personal views, commu- Give yourself a break. Your in- nication is enhanced. fluence on your child is a power- D.P. (During Puberty), sexuality ful one...and only one of many. becomes terribly personal! Bod- • Encourage your child to exam- Remember, you can take neither ies blossom, fantasies and strange ine, clarify, and discuss his own credit nor blame for the ultimate new urges arise; simmering con- values about sexual issues. Par- outcome. You can only give it cerns about what’s normal result ents hope the family values will your best effort. in considerable uneasiness; many be accepted. Be prepared to hear ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 6 - No. 2

The Times They Are A tion about sex can reduce the risk trol, sexual protection, teenage Changin' of a child becoming one of the pregnancy, sexually transmitted statistics. What better way to infections and HIV/AIDS - their ward off the tragedies of sexual children's vulnerability and risk Over the last several decades, our ignorance than to take preventive increase. society has undergone vast measures early on ... such as ... changes in sexual attitudes and education. What this ultimately boils down behaviors, leaving today's youth - to is the first basic rule of sexual- and their parents - facing difficult Most parents recognize the im- ity education: Teach them what and complex issues. Sexually ex- portance of sexuality education, you think they need to know... plicit messages permeate our and in fact, are eager to provide it. and more. lives. The impact is especially Yet many are not prepared for the powerful on young people who depth of information and skills For the majority of 12-year-olds, lack the maturity, wisdom, and that is important during the mid- these more advanced sexual is- insight through which to filter the dle childhood years. It's time for sues can still be addressed at a messages. more advanced discussion: sexual fairly non-threatening, non-

relationships, birth control and emotional level, since most young Coupled with inadequate knowl- sexual protection, sexually trans- people this age are not yet per- edge and understanding about mitted infections, teenage preg- sonally involved. This is not sexuality, the result can be sig- nancy, etc. likely to be the case a few years nificant: vulnerable youth at risk down the road. And once the is- of premature sex, pregnancy, Some parents fear that addressing sues become more pertinent in sexually transmitted infections, such issues will condone, encour- their lives, the discussion be- sexual abuse, and exploitation. age, or promote sexual activity... comes controversial... more diffi-

put ideas into the kids' heads. Not cult. Which brings us to the sec- Consider this: so. Surveys of young people ond basic rule of sex education:

clearly demonstrate the ideas are • There are over 1 million teenage already there! All the more reason The best time to talk is now. pregnancies each year in the U.S.; for mom and dad to initiate dis- 84% are unintended. cussion, provide information, and • 8 out of 10 boys and 7 out of 10 share values. In fact, some studies girls aged 15-17 have had sexual show that children raised in fami- intercourse. lies with open, honest communi- • 1 out of 6 teenagers contracts a cation about sexual issues are sexually transmitted infection. more likely to delay first inter- • The U.S. has one of the highest course and, if they do become in- teenage pregnancy, birth, and volved in a sexual relationship, abortion rates in the developed they are more likely to protect world. themselves. When parents with-

hold information about sex - par- Research consistently shows that ticularly issues such as birth con- open, honest family communica- ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 6 - No. 3

Ritchie & Karen sures) that often accompany in- overemphasized. Just as different terest in romantic relationships. children experience vastly differ- You're likely to have a few ideas This is another example of ad- ent rates of physical development, about when your child will be old dressing an issue before (hope- so too with social development. enough for a boyfriend/girlfriend. fully) it becomes an issue! It's a This can result in worry... “All Your child is likely to have some chance to talk about friendship my friends talk about boys con- ideas about that too - perhaps and about relating to both the stantly, but I'm just not interested. vastly different from yours. other and same gender comforta- What's wrong with me?”; embar- bly, respectfully. You can help rassment... “My folks tease me It's an old parent lament: kids are prepare your youngster for the fun whenever girls call the house. I pressured to grow up too fast and excitement of such relation- hate it!”; pressure... “I've got to these days. Well, merely bemoan- ships, as well as for the frustra- have a girlfriend/boyfriend be- ing that fact will do little to help tions, uncertainty, and disap- cause everybody in my class them deal more effectively with pointments that sometimes result. does.”; confusion... “I'm a girl, the situation. Absolutely forbid- and I like other girls!” ding children to be swayed by Establishing supportive and lov- such pressure isn't very useful ei- ing relationships is not something Concerns about being popular, ther. people automatically know how dressing right, looking good, fit- to do, intuitively. There are skills ting in - these are major issues for No one is suggesting that children involved - skills which can be 6th graders! By talking about this, be encouraged into social situa- taught and nurtured throughout parents give children a chance to tions prematurely. But realize that childhood. But young people are vent their feelings. It may take a elementary school children, some less likely to look to their parents bit of encouragement. After all, as early as 4th or 5th grade, play for assistance with these skills if many children (and parents) are with the concept of relationships they fear being teased, not taken reluctant to talk about such per- ... boyfriend/girlfriend, etc... some seriously, or met with “You're too sonal things. more seriously than others. And young to be interested in boys/ be sensitive too that these inter- girls.” Kids need help negotiating the ests and attractions may not all be complexities of relating. Without toward the other gender. Surely we don't want our children it, they may stumble through... to learn about relationships from some with more difficulty than There's the usual scribbling of the media (with it's unrealistic, others. hearts and initials on notebooks, romanticized portrayal of the phone calls and passing love “ideal” couple), or from trial and notes. Unfortunately, some 6th error. We'd rather they feel free to graders (more typically 6th grade bring their feelings and questions girls with older boys) get more to mom and dad. involved in various levels of sex- ual experimentation ... a rather The importance of talking with sobering thought. It isn't too early your child about social relation- to talk about feelings (and pres- ships - ahead of time - cannot be ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 6 - No. 4

The Media ... The Message media without our knowledge or is to share a bit of your own past consent. (which kids love!). “I remember • Surveys indicate that many teens the wild ideas we heard about sex believe TV offers realistic sexual Help your child develop a filter when I was young. Like: you can't messages. through which to sort and inter- get pregnant the first time you • By age 18, the average student pret the messages. Teach him to have sex; or having sex proves has spent 11,000 hours in school, be a discerning viewer, to identify you're grown up. What kinds of compared to over 15,000 hours and evaluate content. Assist him things have you heard?” watching TV. in recognizing exploitive, irre- • Young people cite the media as sponsible, and unrealistic sexual Impress on your child that when one of their major sources of messages. A good way to do this it comes to sexuality, accurate messages about sex. is to watch movies and TV. surf sources are important. Suggest the net, etc., with your child, and some options: parents, teachers, And we wonder why we have then have a discussion about it. school nurses, counselors, etc. problems? We're far beyond the Realizing they have several alter- days of “Ozzie and Harriet,” Encourage your child to express natives, young people may be less where any bedroom scene con- his views (for example: “How do inclined to accept their peers as sisted of twin beds, lights on, feet you feel about the way women “sexperts.” on the floor. T.V. has crossed were portrayed in that movie?” the threshold: In network shows, “Why do you suppose advertisers Make it safe for your child to dis- explicit physical portrayal of in- show sexy people to sell their cuss sexuality with you. tercourse occurs. Actors may be products? What message does • Listen to his concerns, ques- covered by a sheet, but the activ- that send?” “What do you think tions, etc., knowing that interest ity is unmistakable. about the teenager in that film in the subject doesn't mean he's keeping her baby?”) Share your sexually active or considering it. Sexually explicit messages per- thoughts and values too. • Respect his right to express meate our lives. What's a parent views which may differ from to do? A good first step is We needn't analyze all media to yours. awareness - recognizing the fre- death... just be alert to the mes- • Present facts along with your quency and impact of these mes- sages. It's a good way to temper a values, being careful to differen- sages. powerful influence. tiate between the two. • Trust his ability to make good It also makes sense to monitor Peer Power decisions, if given information films, T.V., radio and web sites and taught the skills. our children tune into, realizing It's important to talk with 6th Peer influence isn't confined to we can never completely isolate graders about sexual (mis) infor- them from questionable or of- mation and peer pressure. sex, OR youth. We contend with fensive messages. Despite house it at some level throughout our rules and guidelines, children are A good way to broach the subject lives. Your child will benefit often exposed to inappropriate from learning how to deal with it now.

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 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 6 - No. 5

What Do I Say About ... ther. But expressing your personal “Then what would I do? How beliefs about an issue isn't the would I handle that?” It’s a tough When it comes to discussing sex- same as trying to force someone one, all right… facing the fact ual values with your children, say else to accept them. It's all in the that ultimately our children form what you believe. It's that simple delivery. For example, a parent their own opinions and develop (or that difficult). Premarital sex. might say, “I believe teens are too their own value systems – which Birth control. Teen pregnancy. young to have sex. There are may or may not be in line with Sexual orientation. These are a good reasons to wait (such as: ours. few of the issues milling about there's a lot of responsibility and the minds of 6th graders. Pro- emotional implications which It's also true that most children vided the opportunity and an at- most teens are not ready to ac- eventually adopt many of the mosphere of trust and safety, cept; they may feel pressured into family values. Nonetheless, they young people ask lots of ques- it, and wind up feeling regretful; need the opportunity to examine, tions about these and other sexual the risk of pregnancy or sexually question, challenge. Would you topics. transmitted infections).” rather your child test out ideas and views about sexuality in an They're anxious to hear the facts... arena of open communication •“I don't want my son to think AND what mom and dad think. with mom and dad - or through that as long as teens use birth Often, mom and dad aren't quite experimentation? control, it's ok for them to have sure what to say or how to say it. sex.” Fine. Don't tell him that. So they may opt to avoid the sub- Encourage the discussion of sex- Informing youth about birth con- ject altogether, hoping the kids ual issues, remembering to listen trol is not an open invitation for won't bring it up... which they to your child's views as well as them to have sex. Parents may won't if the impression is that state your own. Take on the con- fear they are giving a double or mom and dad would rather not troversy. Say what you believe, contradictory message (“Don't do talk about it. taking care to present the facts it... but if you do, use a con- as well as what you value... while dom.”). Such is not the case if Let's look at some reasons parents not confusing the two. information AND values are are unsure of what to say or how shared. The result is a loving, to say it: RESOURCES: helpful message. For example: “I

don't think teenagers should have •“I don't want to encourage Beyond the Birds and Bees sex. And, I realize that many do. her.” A common fear, but listen: Beverly Engel, M.A., M.F.C.C. It's important that they protect your youngster needs no encour- How to Talk to Your Child themselves from pregnancy and agement. She's getting plenty About Sexuality Planned Par- sexually transmitted infections.” from peers, from the media... enthood

maybe it's time she heard from It's Perfectly Normal: Chang- Could it be that some parents you. ing Bodies, Sex and Sexual avoid discussing controversial Health Robie Harris sexual issues for fear their chil- •“I don't want to preach.” Good. dren may not accept their beliefs? Your children don't want that ei- ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 7 - No. 1

Speak Up! your worries are the “ideas” you ten they are devastating: prema- might put into your child’s head. ture sexual activity, teenage preg- Remember what the middle The reality is, your 7th grader is nancy, sexually transmitted infec- school years were like? An emo- exposed to a daily barrage of sex- tions. These are just a few of the tional roller coaster: hormone ual messages... from peers and the consequences of sexual igno- madness and changing bodies; a media. The messages are fre- rance. very shaky self-concept; novel quently inaccurate, irresponsible, interest in the same or other sex - even exploitive! So, mom and dad, put those old which is exciting, awkward, con- anxieties back where they belong fusing - all at the same time; a As parents, you’re in an ideal po- - and remember what you already simultaneous craving for and fear sition to clean up sexual “myth- know: your children need and de- of new freedom... independence information.” The “ideas” you’ll serve to hear from you about all from mom and dad. be putting into your child’s head the issues of importance to their are about your family values lives... including sexuality. Middle school: the wonder years. around sexuality; they’re about Young people wonder, “Will I accurate information; respectful, During the wonder years, kids ever be normal?” Parents won- positive attitudes toward sexual- and parents have loads of things der, “Will this ever end?” ity; and about love, trust and sup- they’re concerned about, confused port. by, frightened of. Making it safe Clearly, life’s a challenge in mid- for the family to talk about sexu- dle school... for all involved. It’s But what about the fear that ality lightens the load. Difficult? a time when parent/child conver- knowledge equals activity - that Embarrassing? Awkward? Sure! sations of any sort can be tough; giving kids information on all this And well worth the effort. conversations about sexual is- adult stuff might encourage sex- sues…impossible! ual experimentation? Stuck for an icebreaker? Try something heartfelt and honest, For parents, there’s a temptation Research indicates that such is like, “You know, talking about to shy away from the subject. Old not the case. In fact, teens are far sex is a little uncomfortable for anxieties come back to haunt us. more likely to learn by doing me. I imagine it’s hard for you Concerns like: “Maybe all this when they have been kept igno- too. I do think it’s important that discussion with children about rant (innocent?); have been given we talk, so... maybe we can help sex isn’t such a good thing. We little or no opportunity to talk each other out, ok?” don’t want to encourage them... openly with parents or other you know, put ideas into their trusted adults about sexual issues; Broach the subject by using heads.” Or: “Is it a mistake to and when their sex “education” “teachable moments” like a news talk about this so openly with has been left to peers and the me- story on HIV or teen pregnancy. kids? Why not let them stay in- dia. Watch TV. together and discuss nocent as long as they can? the sexual messages you notice. There’s plenty of time for them to Surely, as a parent you do not Take any and all opportunities learn about all this adult stuff.” want to leave your child’s sexual you can, mom and dad, to put learning to chance. The results of your ideas into your child’s head! Sound familiar? Rest assured, “trial and error” sexuality educa- mom and dad, the very least of tion are disheartening at best. Of- ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 7 - No. 2

Puberty 101 goes along with conversations GENERAL ORDER - GIRLS: related to sexuality... and you can 1. Breast budding (between ages Puberty. Almost sounds like a appreciate their dilemma. 8-13) disease. For those experiencing 2. Hips broaden it, it often feels like one. Of So, mom and dad, initiate the 3. Straight pubic hair course, much of that has to do conversation. Just in case your 4. Growth spurt with the incredible physical memories of puberty have mel- 5. Pubic hair becomes kinky changes that occur: hormones lowed over time, here are some of 6. Menstruation (about 2 years surging, bodies transforming the more pressing concerns: after start of breast development)

(usually into sizes and shapes that 7. Underarm hair I’m the tallest (shortest, skinniest, are NEVER right!). fattest) kid in the class. I hate it! GENERAL ORDER - BOYS: And let’s not overlook (as if we Will my penis ever grow? Why am 1. Growth of testes and scrotum could) the emotional upheaval I so flat chested? I’m the only (between ages 10-13.5) that accompanies puberty: intense girl I know who hasn’t gotten ’it’ 2. Straight pubic hair feelings of excitement, anxiety, (my period). AM I NORMAL? 3. Early voice change happiness, anger, sorrow, de- 4. First ejaculation (about 1 year Parents can spare their children light... perhaps all within a matter after testicular growth) anxiety by sharing the details of of hours! Imagine experiencing 5. Pubic hair becomes kinky how this puberty business works. 6. Growth spurt such major change without under- standing - without having a clue People grow and change at their 7. Underarm hair that it’s all perfectly normal! own rate, whether they like it or 8. Significant voice change not. AND, they begin the process 9. Beard develops You can ease your child’s passage of sexual development at the time through the puberty “weird When children can gauge their that’s right for them. Some start years.” Help equip your own development against this early, some late... either way, it’s son/daughter for the journey - kind of roadmap, they feel more perfectly normal. assured that they’re on track. with information, support, and plenty of opportunity to share Offer your 7th grader a rundown Remember too, that puberty is thoughts, feelings, and questions. of physical changes to expect dur- more than just physical change. ing puberty. The entire process Although they’re dying for an- Emerging sexual feelings, emo- takes place over 4-5 years. It’s swers as well as reassurance, tions, relationships, stresses... marked by a series of events many 7th graders are reluctant to these are all part of the journey, which occur in a fairly predictable approach mom and dad with their and can be especially difficult to sequence, although some young concerns. Don’t mistake their discuss. Here are some good re- people follow a slightly different silence as a sign that they know it sources to assist you: sequence - and that’s normal too! all or don’t want to talk about it. Explaining this to your child is far What’s Happening to My Body? for Sometimes their confusion is so more useful than simply saying, Boys/for Girls L. Madaras great, they don’t even know what “Don’t worry. Your body knows It’s Perfectly Normal: Growing Up, to ask or how to begin! Add to exactly what it’s doing.” Changing Bodies and Sexual Health that the awkwardness that often Robie Harris ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 7 - No. 3

The Dating Game never let me live it down! But more than parents realize. One you know, I bet a lot of them se- mother commented, “I didn’t “I’m just not interested in having cretly felt the same way I did.” know half that stuff ’til I was out a girlfriend, but that’s all my of college!” Her husband added, friends talk about! Am I weird or “I wonder too about young people “A lot of it I still don’t know!” something?” who are attracted to their same gender friends. With all the pres- It’s true. Today’s adolescents Middle schools are filled with sure to have a boyfriend or girl- confront sophisticated, complex many who fret, “What’s wrong friend, they must feel pretty iso- issues. In trying to provide in- with me!?” if they’re not yet in- lated and afraid to talk about their formation and guidance parents terested in the other gender. Me- feelings.” often recognize deficiencies in dia and peer pressure to be in- their own sexual knowledge. It’s volved in early relationships This kind of conversation is a easy to feel overwhelmed about heighten the anxiety. nice acknowledgement that not all what to say and when to begin... people have romantic feelings for “I wish I was popular like Karen. or relationships with someone of If you value family communica- All the boys like her.” Disap- the other gender. It opens the tion about sex, if you recognize pointment, bruised self-esteem, se- door for your child to discuss this that complicated issues must be cret fears and hurts rarely expressed with you if they are questioning addressed, and if you are commit- to anyone - especially parents. their own sexuality. ted to working through any dis- comfort or resistance you and/or Although your child may not be By initiating discussions about your child may feel about discuss- dating for a while, recognize that these issues, you can help relieve ing these issues, you’re well on many 7th graders sample the social pressures your children the way. boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. may be experiencing. Explore feel- Help your child understand that ings and situations that can arise Specifics and practical “how to’s” people develop social readiness at when romantic interests begin to of family sex education can be their own rate. Acknowledge it’s emerge. Even if your child isn’t acquired as you go along. There often confusing to be surrounded ready (or willing) to talk freely are many resources to assist you. by friends who vary greatly on the about this, you won’t be wasting Planned Parenthood is an readiness scale. your time. The message will still excellent source for speakers, be heard: “If you find you’re feel- books and pamphlets. Community Even if your child hasn’t ex- ing confused about this, please schools and colleges may offer pressed concerns about this, know that I’m here for you. I’ll parenting classes that address bring it up... just to be sure. listen, try to understand, and who sexuality issues. Physicians, Break the ice with your own rec- knows? Maybe I can help.” family counselors and members ollections of 7th grade: of the clergy often have valuable “I remember 7th grade brought A Little Help From insights on sex education. lots of worries about dating and Friends... These resources can be a wonder- relationships. Me? I could have The depth of sexuality education ful support... check them out! cared less at the time, but I didn’t required by 7th graders may be dare admit it. My friends would ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 7 - No. 4

Kids Need to Know; CONSIDER THIS: early - before they become imme- Parents Need to Tell Them • More than half of all 17-year- diate issues, and thus a possible olds have had sex. source of controversy between • 1 in 10 U.S. females aged 15-19 parent and child. “How do you make a baby?” Re- becomes pregnant each year - member the first time your little 84% unintentionally. Most 7th graders are capable of one posed THE QUESTION? • 1 in 6 teens contracts a sexually understanding the broader impli- You recall with amusement (or transmitted infection. cations of sexual relationships. chagrin!) the impish delight with Not yet deeply involved, they're which s/he repeated (and re- Recognize these young people are better able to have calm, rational peated) the question - for all the very much like the friends and discussions with mom and dad people in the grocery store to schoolmates of your own chil- about why some teens might hear! S/he delivered the line with dren. They may be your own chil- choose to have sexual intercourse such volume, such clarity... and dren, your nieces and nephews. - including the responsibilities determination! They come from all socio- involved and possible conse- economic levels, ethnic back- quences. “How do you make a baby?” A grounds, and religious affilia-

legitimate question, yet one that tions. They remind us that teen Granted, the conversation may feel so frequently catches parents off sex and pregnancy are not con- a bit awkward or uncomfortable at guard and unprepared. Why? fined to big cities, or specific ra- first, especially if the family has Maybe we just never expected the cial or economic groups. little history of open sexual discus- issue to crop up at such an early sion. That's ok. The process may age. No, these are problems of sexual take time. Be patient and gentle - ignorance... and sexual ignorance with your child and yourself. That little one is now a 7th cuts across all lines.

grader... perhaps with parents This is a perfect opportunity for who are still caught off guard and Comparatively speaking, “How parents to share personal values unprepared when it comes to do you make a baby?” is a piece and attitudes around sexuality, in a sexuality and youth. of cake. Now the questions are far non-threatening, non-judgmental more intense. Given the social/ manner. It's also a good time to It's easy to understand how this sexual pressures faced by adoles- clean up any misinformation about can happen. After all, sexual in- cents today, clear, open and ex- the mechanics of reproduction... as volvement, unintended preg- plicit family communication is well as other sexual issues. nancy, HIV/AIDS, sexually essential.

transmitted infections, birth con- Despite all that young people trol... surely we would never ex- Please know that family discus- have heard about sexuality - from pect these issues to crop up at sions about sex need not be con- family, peers and the media, it's such an early age. Yet they are the ducted with a sense of urgency or amazing how little they really very issues parents need to ad- doom. Parents are encouraged to know or understand. And, it's dress, especially with their 13- address issues such as sexual in- surprising how much they need to and 14-year-olds. tercourse, teenage pregnancy and know... at such an early age. sexually transmitted infections ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 7 - No. 5

Have You Hugged Your lack of connection, for both par- respect that you’re not a little girl Kid Today? ents and children. anymore. I’m not sure whether

you feel comfortable with all that Anxieties surrounding puberty are When struggling with questions physical affection, so I find my- very big indeed. With attention of physical touch and affection, self being cautious about touching focused on easing young people parents might consider this: Pu- you. Can I count on you to let me through this transition, parent berty is a time when young people know what’s OK and what isn’t?” concerns are often overlooked. desperately want to feel normal, accepted, and loved. It’s a time Of course, remind your child, “No Puberty is truly an awkward time when kids need support, reassur- one - including family members - for mom and dad. Watching sons ance, and appropriate physical has the right to touch or approach and daughters mature sexually is contact which says “You’re OK.” you in ways that make you un- both delightful and disconcerting comfortable. Listen to your feel- as parents struggle to relate to The need is there, and often in- ings, and tell that person to stop. their new “growing up person,” tense. Yet a 7th grader rarely Tell an adult you trust.” Ambivalence toward your child’s admits, “I’d sure love a hug blossoming sexuality is perfectly right now.” To confuse you This whole “touchy” business is normal. even more, mom and dad, s/he very personal - and different from may outwardly resist your offers family to family. Some of us Uncertainty can be especially of affection. Respect that, cer- were raised on a diet of hugs, great for the other gender parent tainly - and, recognize it’s still kisses, snuggling... and we feel who may misinterpret puberty as important to offer. more or less comfortable with a signal to “back off” physically. that. For others, overt displays of Vague questions can arise about It’s truly a dilemma: parents are affection are, and perhaps always “appropriate” touch, particularly expected to have a magical sixth were, uncomfortable. There’s no between fathers and daughters. sense about their children’s needs right or wrong way to feel about and feelings (despite the fact that this issue. Perhaps it’s the deeply ingrained they are often masked by contra- incest taboo or the misconception dictory behaviors)! The point is, whether it’s a hug, that at this age, “kids no longer kiss, squeeze of the shoulder - want or need the physical affec- Puberty is indeed a difficult time whatever - giving and receiving tion.” Whatever the reason, hugs, ... made even more difficult by appropriate physical touch that kisses, and physical touch so miscommunication, and reluc- expresses warmth and caring is freely shared before may now be- tance to acknowledge and talk important to all of us. Our need come awkward and strained. about the fears. Why not share for that doesn’t change - even with your child your uncertainty? with puberty. If anything, per- It’s painful and confusing. To a haps the need becomes greater. child experiencing the usual inse- One father expressed it to his 13- So, rather than presume to know curities of puberty, this unex- year-old daughter this way: “Sara, your child’s feelings or how s/he plained withdrawal of affection is I often find myself wanting to wants you to act around especially troubling. The result scoop you up and hug and kiss this issue….ASK! can be loneliness, confusion and you just like when you were a lit- tle girl. I really miss that. And I ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 8 - No. 1

Strains and Gains 1. letting go - allowing children then assist them in learning the the freedom to develop their lessons;

Guiding children through adoles- separate identities. 2. establishing an atmosphere of • express the family values and cence is an incredible challenge. beliefs... then accept that the chil- Despite the wisdom gleaned from safety and acceptance - in which attitudes and values can dren may not fully embrace them; their own life experiences, par- ents often feel unprepared for is- be explored, tested, challenged. • listen, without judgment, to sues currently facing teens. Les- ideas expressed by children... then sons from our own adolescence Heavy stuff... thus the “horror, recognize the need to offer input - may not hold true for today's pain and difficulty.” Yet, when not dictates - based on personal youth. you understand the parent/child beliefs. roles during adolescence, you can It's also true that during their more effectively offer guidance Sounds good... but how to apply children's teen years, parents are and support. it? Especially with tough issues given an amazing gift: the oppor- like sex? How can parents help tunity to guide and support a For parents, it's unsettling to real- kids make wise choices about young person in becoming capa- ize, “I don't have the ultimate their sexual behavior in a world ble and independent. power to create how my child's that is sexually explicit and per- life will be.” Long before their missive? “You call raising adolescents a teen years, we recognize that, in 'gift'?” laughed one parent. “It's the long run, kids make their own You can only do your best... and the biggest struggle of my life! decisions. Parent influence carries there are no guarantees. Still, you Rebellion! Turmoil! The com- some weight, but wanes over can build the odds in your child's plete absence of rational discus- time. Which is ok. After all, we're favor. Speak truthfully and sin- sion. Hah! Some gift!” raising children to be responsible cerely with your child about sex. adults, capable (we hope) of mak- Offer the facts s/he needs to be It may be tempting to equate ing healthy choices in their lives. informed and safe - along with adolescence with horror... but your personal values - without to the extent parents focus on Teens may select paths and adopt suggesting they are one and the the difficulties and pain, they values that are different from our same. miss the joys. own, or not what we'd prefer. That's hard for parents to accept particu- Your 8th grader deserves to hear For young people, two major larly when the issues are so very information about sexual devel- tasks are at hand: big: relationships, sex, drugs, etc. opment, intercourse, pregnancy, 1. establishing independence - as- sexually transmitted infections, serting themselves as separate Amidst all of this, parents are ex- birth control... as well as your be- and distinct from mom and dad. pected to let go, yet still provide liefs around these issues. Many 2. defining/clarifying a personal guidance. This requires that they: young teens are experimenting value system. with risky sexual behaviors! And Simultaneously, parents face their • offer opportunities for children it simply isn't enough for parents own tasks: to make their own mistakes... to say, "Don't!” ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 8 - No. 2

But I'd Rather Talk To ... lies? Parents working to be both them a deep sense of being cared mom and dad to their teenagers So what about single parents or As young people physically and confess they struggle with sexual- about, understood and accepted. sexually develop during adoles- ity issues. They might consider cence, they're inclined to want to calling upon grandparents, aunts, The special bond they experience discuss related concerns with the uncles, etc. to fill their child's with this person often allows same-gender parent or adult. (as- need for same-gender role mod- them to feel safe to seek advice or suming they're OK talking about els. share their feelings and concems. the issue to begin with!) They may try to spend as much As parents address these special time as possible with this person, “I always had such a close adolescent needs, they create op- and may even feel jealous or up- relationship with my son, Tim,” portunities to keep communica- set if the relationship changes. one mother recalls. I prided tion open, share information and myself in communicating openly family values, and assist children Such feelings can be terribly con- with him about sexuality since he in feeling confident and comfort- fusing to a young person - and to was very young. Tim's dad rarely able with their changing sexual parents. If you're concerned about involved himself in those selves. the relationship or believe your discussions.” child may have concerns, talk “So, I was surprised - and I admit, Confusing Connections? with him or her about it. Have an hurt - when Tim began confiding open discussion about what de- more in his father. Now he pre- “I understand this business of fines a healthy friendship. Talk fers to talk to his dad about sexual same-gender role models and about the importance of honesty issues. I wondered if I'd said or confidants during adolescence. and respect in a relationship - no done something wrong.” What I don't understandis this in- hidden motives or manipulation. Friends care about each other Sounds like Tim is a typical young tense “attachment” Rick has to his teacher, Mr. Brown. It's as with no strings attached. If that's man, gravitating toward dad, espe- not the case, maybe it's time to cially when the subject turns to though Rick has a crush on the guy! Is this... normal?” reconsider the relationship. sexuality. That doesn't mean, mom, that your input is no longer impor- Adolescents have many hidden tant. Continue to let Tim know It's not necessarily an indication anxieties about sexual orientation. you're there for him. And, respect that Rick is gay, if that's what you “How can you tell if a person's that at this stage of his life, Tim mean. And crush is a good descrip- gay?” “If a person masturbates, feels more comfortable discussing tion of what's likely going on. It's does that mean s/he's gay?” “Lisa “guy stuff” with a guy. This a nice common for adolescents to develop and Ann are always together. opportunity for Tim to develop the a strong connection to a same- They must be more than just sharing and trust with his dad that gender person of importance in ‘friends,’ don't you think?” he's long enjoyed with you. their lives: a teacher, coach, per- haps even a classmate. This person Lots of questions, confusion... So what about single parents or might be someone they greatly ad- whether they're verbalized or not. gay- and lesbian- headed fami- mire, or someone they want to be Initiate the conversation, and help like. Such friendship may offer your child sort it out. ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 8 - No. 3

Knowledge Is Power might say something like: “Your times, their views may be quite father and I believe strongly that different from yours (and thus, Talking with your teenager about teenagers are not ready for the hard to hear). Make it safe for the pleasures, responsibilities and emotions, responsibilities and your teenager to express personal risks of sex does not imply that risks that go along with sexual thoughts without fear of judgment you sanction teens having sex. intercourse. We believe in wait- or repercussions. If s/he is met Birth control, pregnancy, sexually ing until (you fill in the blank: with anger or intimidation, s/he transmitted infections (STI’s) and marriage, a particular age, a won’t be back a second time. HIV - these are just a few of the committed, mature relationship... And you will miss the chance to sensitive issues young people whatever you’re comfortable explore and evaluate a variety of need to understand. When par- with). If young people do have ideas with your child. ents are forthright and honest in sex, they need to protect them- discussing such topics, they help selves from unintended pregnancy Within such discussions, many their children develop respect for by using effective birth control worthwhile points can be made... intimate relationships. and reduce the risk of infection by about love, intimacy, reasons why using condoms.” people have sex (both good and As part of this, of course, parents not-so-good), peer pressure, ex- “Our hope is that you confide in share personal values, religious ploitation, delaying sex... a wealth us if you’re ever wrestling with beliefs, moral viewpoints, etc. of important stuff! A genuine decisions about sex. We’ll do all Certainly, children want, need give-and-take of ideas can allow we can to listen and to offer you and deserve that. your child to sort out the issues information and guidance to con- and draw some conclusions - sider in making your choice. Our While no one suggests that these hopefully before s/he is con- highest priority is your well- discussions be a “how to” man- fronted with making the choices. being, so we want you to be in- ual, sexual specifics are important formed.” HELPFUL RESOURCES: to the health and well being of teenagers. Without such informa- “I’ve told you how mom and I Teenage Sexual Health tion, they are less able to make feel. I’m interested in hearing Amelia M. Withington, David A. positive, appropriate choices your thoughts about this.” Grimes, Robert A. Hatcher around sexuality. Facts about Talking With Your Teenager birth control, risk of pregnancy, Please know that offering such Ruth Bell & Leni Ziegler Wild- how HIV and other STI’s can be messages to young people does flower contracted and prevented: how not encourage them to have sex. Straight from the Heart Carol does a parent approach such sen- Rather, teenagers who are denied Cassell sitive topics without fear of giv- such information and communi- ing a double message (“Don’t do cation are more likely to risk un- it... but if you do, use a con- protected sex. dom.”)? Remember the importance of lis- You can communicate a loving, tening to your children’s opinions practical message. A parent on these issues... even though at ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 8 - No. 4

Facts About HIV/AIDS reinforcement of information and food with an infected person, be- opportunity to share family values ing sneezed or coughed on by an * * * * * and parental guidance. HIV+ person: none of these is

• 1 in 6 teens contracts a sexually risky. 8th graders should understand transmitted infection. • AIDS cannot be cured at this the following: • 4 in 10 girls aged 14 will be- time. HIV infection can be pre- vented. The only 100% prevention come pregnant at least once by • AIDS is caused by HIV (human age 20. is abstaining from sharing needles immunodeficiency virus). Once in and risky sexual behaviors. The same activity that puts young the bloodstream, HIV weakens the people at risk of pregnancy and • There are medications that can immune system so the body cannot slow down the progression of sexually transmitted infections effectively fight off disease. (STIs) also puts them at risk of HIV, but they are not effective for • The 4 body fluids known to everyone, and they aren't a cure. HIV infection. transmit HIV are blood, semen, The person is still infected with * * * * * vaginal fluid and breast milk. Risk HIV, and can infect others.

behaviors are activities that in- • If a person does have sexual in- You never imagined talking so volve exposure to these fluids, for explicitly with your children tercourse, s/he should know that: example: unprotected intercourse the more sexual partners, the about sex. Yet currently, no vac- (vaginal, anal or oral) with an in- cine or medicine can prevent or greater the risk of exposure; cor- fected person; sharing needles rect and consistent use of latex cure AIDS. You're painfully (used for injection drugs, steroids, aware that some teens have sex at condoms offers protection against etc.) with an infected person. (Do the spread of HIV and other STIs. young ages, and their experimen- not share razors, body piercing tation with sex and drugs puts (Share information on correct con- needles or tattooing instruments.) dom use. This is not a 100% guar- them at risk of HIV. You know • HIV can be passed from mother the best protection you can offer antee, but is highly effective. Birth to baby during pregnancy, birth or control pills and other contracep- is education. Surely you want to breast feeding. provide that. tives reduce the risk of pregnancy, • People have contracted HIV but only abstinence and latex con- from blood transfusions. Since It's time for significant detail doms protect against HIV and 1985, donated blood and blood other STI's.) about HIV transmission and pre- products have been screened for vention... to clear up misconcep- the virus, so the risk of receiving Although family discussions tions or fears your children may infected blood is miniscule. have.... and to keep them safe. about HIV / AIDS / STIs can be • HIV does not discriminate. It af- uncomfortable and difficult, they fects people of all ages, races, re- Preview the HIV curriculum be- can also be empowering... that's ligions. It is not confined to gay the good news. ing used at school to supplement men or injection drug users. Any- and support the program at home. one engaging in risky behaviors While many students receive can be exposed to the virus. classroom instruction on this and • HIV is not transmitted by casual related sexual issues, family input contact. Hugging, kissing, sharing is essential as well. This provides ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 8 - No. 5

Media Mania: Sex Sells with passionate interplay and to relationships, and the "macho" sexual innuendoes. Song lyrics, image which discourages healthy Parents recognize that while they music videos and billboards social/emotional development in strongly influence their children's graphically depict sexy images. males. lives, they're not the only ones. In considering decisions about sexu- The sadness of it all is that we've ality, young people hear many The media affect people in many become so accustomed to the lim- voices: parents, friends, media. ways. Witnessing those "perfect" iting stereotypes in the media, health professionals, the clergy - figures may leave us feeling in- that we're almost oblivious to each contributing influence and adequate about our own bodies. them! pressure which affect the choices. For adolescents in a stage of dra- matic (usually awkward) devel- We need not sit idly by, simply You can't guarantee that your opment, the impact can be devas- allowing this all to be. We can sons and daughters won't have tating. By suggesting that the ul- empower our children by alerting sexual intercourse during their timate love life and a desirable them to the pervasiveness as well teen years. You can, however, body are of utmost importance, as the implications of sexual mes- assist them with information, the media promote unrealistic ex- sages. Confront these messages guidance, and strategies for deal- pectations. This can set teens up whenever they appear. Assert ing with pressures that encourage for disappointment and dissatis- your feelings about them, and en- sex among youth. While the pres- faction with themselves and their courage your child to do the sures are many and powerful, relationships. same. some of the most dramatic stem from the media. Consider the fol- Sometimes the message is more As a family, examine how distor- lowing national survey results: subtle. Consider sex role stereo- tions of the media influence atti- typing. In ads, for example, who tudes and decisions around many • The average viewer is exposed usually touts laundry soap, diet sexual issues: body image, rela- yearly to 20,000+ sexually ex- foods, or quick and easy dinner tionships, male/female roles and plicit messages on TV. menus? Women. Often associated expectations, readiness for sex, • Teens spend approx. 24 hours with domestic chores and "softer" sexual responsibility, etc. per week watching TV; 16 hours job responsibilities... "a great per week listening to the radio. looker, but not too bright"... the Active viewing and analysis of By age 18, the average student traditional female stereotype is media messages serve to place has spent 15,000+ hours watching perpetuated by the media. young people back in the driver's TV, but only 11,000 hours in seat regarding media influence in school. Male roles tend to be equally sti- their lives. And that's exactly fling. True, they're cast as more where we want them to be! Explicit media messages about assertive, independent, powerful, sexual behavior permeate our successful, intelligent... all of lives - every day. Sex is used to which are viewed favorably. Yet sell everything from swimwear to they also model lack of sensitiv- toothpaste. TV sitcoms sizzle ity, a "one-track mind" approach ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 9 - No. 1

What I Really Want to If you added your message, what FOR TEENS TO ASK PARENTS: Know Is... would it be? • What did you enjoy most about being a teenager? What was most These questions may cause you difficult? How can you tell you're in love? discomfort. You're being asked to • What did you learn growing up What's it like to have sex? Do look deeply into your own values. that now helps you as an adult? you just know what to do? How You may have difficulty putting • What's the best part about being old should you be? How do you your feelings into words at first... a parent? The most difficult? know if it's the right person? that's ok. The words may not form • Tell me about the day I was easily, but that's no reason to avoid born. A typical group of 9th graders the subject. Your children do care • How did you feel about other- asked these questions at a recent what you think, feel and value. and same-gendered friends when parent/teen workshop designed to They want to hear from you. you were my age? Did you have a help families communicate about boyfriend/girlfriend? When were sex. When asked to write down So how do you begin - especially you allowed to date? (anonymously) what they really if you and your teen rarely (or • What was expected of you be- wished they could discuss with never) talk with each other about cause of your gender? How do parents, many teens listed these sexuality? First, realize this needn't you feel about those expectations items. be THE BIG TALK. Young peo- now? ple aren't just interested in sex. • How have you felt about physi- Surprised? The parents were - at They want to know about the cal changes in your body? first. But on further reflection, whole business of living: connect- • What would you change about parents found they weren't really ing and relating to others and un- your body... if you could? surprised by the questions. derstanding themselves. Sharing Rather, they were caught off your innermost feelings about your FOR PARENTS TO ASK TEENS: guard - and unprepared to answer. own life, your own growing up • What do you enjoy most about years, can give kids insight... and being your age? What's most dif- Teens wonder about love, sex, comfort. It opens doors for discus- ficult? relationships. They want details: sion of lots of things... including • What's most important in your how, why and when. They have sex. life now? lists of curiosities and concerns, • What do you see as pros & cons and are rarely encouraged to To start a conversation, consider of being male/female? voice them. Often they don't feel the following interview used in • What are some things you look safe enough to speak with parents the parent/teen workshop. This for in a friend? about such intimate matters. can be a special sharing time for • What do you wish we could talk you and your child. Begin by about more openly together? Assume that given the chance, agreeing on ground rules, for • How have you felt about the your 9th grader would ask you example: physical changes in your body? about all of this. Wouldn't you 1. All that is shared is confiden- • What would you change about like to share your ideas? After all, tial; 2. You can speak honestly, your body... if you could? peers and the media certainly without fear of consequences; 3. spread their messages about sex. You can pass if you choose; etc. ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 9 - No. 2

Walls ... and Bridges unnerved, or just plain at a loss (not at) one another enhance once the adolescent years hit. young people's ability to make Premarital sex, HIV/AIDS, sexu- thoughtful choices. ally transmitted infections. Safer Yes, the issues are far more com- sex. Love, commitment, intimacy, plex... AND, it's more than that. As you speak with your child relationships. The parent/child roles change about issues such as birth control, significantly. With small children, teen pregnancy, etc., your respon- Visualize having a frank and open parents essentially set the rules, sibility to present family values discussion with your 9th grader promote the values, and select the coexists with a responsibility to about these issues. What fears, paths for learning and growth. provide factual information. concerns or emotions get in the With adolescents, parents discuss Teenagers can accept a parent way for you? (perhaps negotiate) rules and of- message that endorses abstinence fer a rationale for their impor- as well as the importance of sex- Communicating with youth about tance. Values continue to be em- ual protection for those choosing sex. As parents, we should be do- phasized and promoted... but at to have intercourse. These are not ing it ... most of us want to be do- times with a panicked assertive- mutually exclusive values. They're ing it ... but often don't. Because ness (which can trigger anger, not contradictions. This is a lov- of the stuff that gets in the way. frustration... and an end to the ing message which assists teens Stuff like FEAR (“What if my conversation). A very real fear is in developing positive, respectful son rejects the values I so want that our children may balk at attitudes and behaviors around him to live by?”) ; CONFUSION some core beliefs and attitudes sexuality. Unlike “Just say no”, (“If I discuss birth control or we want them to embrace. it's a message that gets through to 'safer sex' practices with my kids; that supports growth, matur- daughter, won't she think I ap- Ultimately, teens challenge, test, ity and thoughtful deci- prove of her having sex?) ; EM- and accept, reject or modify their sion-making. BARRASSMENT (“I feel awk- parents' values. Studies show that ward even using the words 'penis' adolescents endorse many of the Remember: the stuff that gets in and 'vagina'... how in the world family's basic values and beliefs. the way of open parent/teen can I possibly talk about anal in- It is also true is that they accept communication about sex is the tercourse as a behavior that in- (at least temporarily) the values same stuff that sabotages the creases the risk of HIV infec- endorsed by their peers. growth of positive and responsi- tion?”); LACK OF INFOR- ble sexual beliefs and behaviors. It is the very stuff that results in MATION (“Menstrual cycle... You can create safety within the kids at risk. And... it is also the wet dreams... I know the basics, family for your children to dis- stuff we can confront, challenge, but I haven't a clue about all the cuss or question differing val- and change! details. “). ues. Encourage them to think out loud, to examine beliefs and the Even parents who were fairly possible impact of going with (or open about sexual discussions against) those beliefs. Frank dis- when their children were little cussions in which parents and will often find themselves stuck, children listen to and speak with ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 9 - No. 3

Peer Power me, you would.” Or, “What's the Help your children sort out the big deal? Everybody else is doing possible effects of sexual deci- In a nationwide poll, teens named it.” sions before they face the social pressure as a major reason choices. Ask them to weigh any young people don't wait until Encourage your teen to find crea- consequences of saying “no” to they're older to have sexual inter- tive replies to such lines: “If you sexual activity, as well as saying course. Males and females said really cared about me, you “yes.” Describe situations and they personally felt pressured by wouldn't push me into something ask them to consider the out- peers to go farther with sexual I'm not ready for.” “If everybody comes. Talk about “set-ups” - in activity than they wanted. else is doing it, you don't need me which sexual activity is more to.” It helps to practice words in likely to occur. For example: Peer influence is especially pow- response to verbal pressures. “What if Diane decides to spend erful during the teen years. Eager the day at her boyfriend's when no for approval, acceptance and Given an opportunity, many boys one else is home?” “What if Kurt popularity, young people often express frustration with pressure and his girlfriend go to a party see no other alternative than go- they feel from male peers. “You where they drink alcohol (or do ing along with the crowd. didn't do anything? What's wrong drugs)? How might that affect with you? Come on, be a man.” their decisions about sex?” Parents feel anxious about this for “Go for it - even if she says 'no,' many reasons, including the rec- that only means she wants to be Help your teenager decide on ac- ognition that their own influence talked into it.” ceptable, responsible ways of ex- is declining. It's tempting to sim- pressing love, affection, sexuality. ply lay down the law: “No argu- The typical locker room is filled If you believe sexual intercourse ment... just do as I tell you.” This with tales of sexual exploits: little is not OK for teens, by all means, may bring short-term compliance truth, and lots of fabrication. For say so... then discuss what sexual from a teen (along with anger and a sexually inexperienced male, expression is OK. resentment). But the long-term the anxiety mounts. Having a goal gets lost: teaching adoles- quick response can take the edge Young people need support in cents to make thoughtful deci- off. Something like... “Look, preparing for sexual pressures sions; to deal with issues, chal- what my girlfriend and I do to- they're likely to face. Don't just lenges and peer pressure when gether is no one's business. I don't assume they know enough to stay mom and dad are not there. need to prove anything to you or out of those situations. Help them anyone else.” develop the skills to get out of Parents can help teens build those situations - just in case they knowledge, skills, and a vocabu- Let your teens know you under- land in one. lary to confront peer pressure stand how intense sexual feelings around sexual decision-making. can be during adolescence. Re- This requires an appreciation of mind them that these perfectly how that pressure might work. normal feelings can be confusing. For example, some girls feel pres- It may be difficult to know what sured by boyfriends: “If you loved to do, how to act. ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 9 - No. 4

Other Side of the Coin ... own beliefs and values. Whether gers; perhaps to promote certain you wish to emphasize marriage, values and beliefs. • Each year, 1 in 10 U.S. teen or a mature, committed relation- girls becomes pregnant, 84% ship, or whatever... please rein- Parents may avoid talking unintentionally. force that sex, at the right time, about the joys and pleasures of • 8 in 10 young mothers who can be a delightful expression of sexual intercourse because they give birth by age 18 never finish love, sharing, connection, etc. fear encouraging teens. Re- high school. member, teenagers are already • 1 in 6 teens contracts a sexu- Yes, sexual relationships can also encouraged to try sex... by the ally transmitted infection. lead to serious problems, espe- “mythinformation” broadcast by cially for the young, the unin- peers; by distortions in the media; Shocking statistics mark the diffi- formed, the unprepared. If we by their own curiosity and emerg- culties surrounding teenage sex- present only that angle, however ing sexual feelings. Parental si- ual activity. These problems de- we're giving incomplete, dis- lence will not temper such influ- mand our attention and concern; torted, “sex-negative” messages. ence. families must address such issues That is a disservice. as they instruct teens about the Honest, loving family discussion risks and responsibilities attached It is important to teach children about sexual experience does to sex. that sex means different things to more to prevent the difficulties different people. Misunderstand- of “sex too soon” than any scare Amidst all of this, it's easy to lose ing a partner's views or expecta- tactics or half truths - no matter sight of the fact that sexuality is a tions of what sex is all about can how well intentioned. One father richly exciting and special part of result in confusion, unhappiness... stated it quite eloquently: “I want life. Some parents tend to focus crises. Such is the pattern we fre- to raise my child to be a good solely on the horrors that result quently see with teenage sexual lover. Not a performer, but a good from “sex too soon,” and neglect activity - when sex typically hap- lover. To me that embodies love, to share the rest of the story. pens with little or no communica- respect, honor, maturity, respon- tion beforehand. The experience sibility, honesty, commitment, It's important - and only fair - that is often disappointing at the very growth, intimacy, joy and pleas- parents present intercourse as least... and many times filled with ure.” more than just “the baby-making anxiety, guilt, embarrassment, process.” Kids deserve to under- regret. Imagine if all parents raised their stand that people have sex for children to be such “good lovers.” many reasons, including intimacy Because parents want to warn The impact on their lives could be and pleasure. (Teenagers strongly against all of this, they often fo- tremendous. And society may suspect this anyway, so why not cus on the crises that can follow well see a reduction in the diffi- talk about it?!) teen sex. They may do so with the culties of teen sexual behavior. best of intentions: in an effort to Of course you will talk with your spare children pain and unhappi- 9th grader about sexual expres- ness; to point out possible dan- sion within the context of your ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 9 - No. 5

Time To Recap hold. So parents, remind your about sex, and to suggest ways in children that: which that communication might Many of the sexual topics dis- • Depending on a woman’s cycle, be fostered. cussed with your child when s/he pregnancy may still be possible, was younger take on more ur- even if intercourse happens dur- The following resources are very gency and evoke new or immedi- ing (or just before, or just after) useful for specific details on a ate interest during adolescence. your period. Assume there is no wide range of sexuality and other You may think you have ex- “safe time” for teens to have un- issues. In addition, many of them plained to death such issues as the protected sex. also provide valuable communi- menstrual cycle, sexual relation- cation tips: ships, pregnancy, childbirth, etc. • You can get pregnant if you Surely your teen has a clear un- only have sex once... or once in a FOR TEENS: derstanding of all this by now! while. Not necessarily. At any rate, it Growing Up Feeling Good doesn’t hurt to review, especially • Taking birth control pills offers Ellen Rosenberg now that the issues are more per- protection against pregnancy, but Changing Bodies, Changing tinent. not against sexually transmitted Lives Ruth Bell & Leni Ziegler infections or HIV. Wildflower This is a good time to remind The Teenage Body Book Guide both boys and girls about the de- Misconceptions about sexual is- to Sexuality Kathy McCoy velopment and workings of each sues are even held by many other’s bodies. Let’s not isolate adults. Don’t be too surprised if FOR PARENTS: by discussing the menstrual cycle you’re one of them. And you only with daughters, or wet needn’t be concerned if you don’t Raising a Child Conservatively dreams only with sons. Your have all the answers or if you’re in a Sexually Permissive World daughters and sons will be in- unsure about the details. You Sol Gordon & Judith Gordon teracting with the other gender don’t have to be a “sex-pert” to How to Talk With Your Child throughout life. It’s important communicate with your children. About Sexuality Planned Par- that they understand and ap- Fortunately, if you need assis- enthood Federation of America preciate how each other’s bod- tance, there’s a great deal avail- Talking With Your Teenager ies function. able. Ruth Bell & Leni Ziegler Wild- flower This is also an ideal time to re- It’s not within the scope of this All About Sex: A Family Re- emphasize cause and effect with newsletter series to provide thor- source on Sex and Sexuality regard to sexual activity and ough coverage of sex education Planned Parenthood Federation of America pregnancy. You’d be amazed at issues. Rather, “There’s No Place Like Home...” is designed to how many high school students help parents become more aware still don’t get it . Their lack of of the kinds of information young understanding is apparent in the people need; it’s intended to en- misconceptions many of them courage family communication

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 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 10 - No. 1

Talking to Teens • “If I asked my dad about sex, ship is going to fall apart. I love he'd think I was doing it!” you. I hope you can come to me “I've never really talked much with your questions, concerns, with my daughter about sex. But • “I'm still trying to figure out my ideas - no matter what the sub- took she's in 10th grade... it's a own feelings about sex.. like when ject: sex, drugs, relationships, little late now, don't you think? is the right time, who's the right school. I’ll do my best to listen, to She’ll learn what she needs to in person, and all that. My folks understand, and help if I can. I health class.” have pretty set ideas: you have don't often talk to you about these sex if you're married. Period. I'm sorts of things because I wouldn't Parents, it's never too late to talk not sure if I agree with that, but I want you to think I'm grilling you. with your child about sex. True, wouldn't try to talk to them about But I am interested, and I'm here the ideal is to begin when they're it. They'd just get mad.” if you need me.” small. Still, your input is valuabie at all stages of your child's devel- • “I think my parents would really Opening doors. No matter what opment. And while health class is be hurt if I didn't agree with their your child's age, it's never too late an important source of factual views about sex. So I don't talk to open doors. There may be dis- information about sex, you are the about it.” agreements on important issues. source of family values. Can you accept that... and still Other teens avoid the subject be- keep the doors open? Seen Teens need to know more than cause they think parents won't through adult eyes of experience, just sexual facts. They want an- take them seriously: your teenager's concerns may swers about the intangibles of • “My folks still think I'm a little seem trivial. Can you accept that, sex. They're curious about the kid, and that little kids don't need and still treat those concerns seri- emotions, about values and mor- to know this stuff.” ously? While your input is als; they want support with dating wanted and needed, ultimately pressures and expectations; • “If I even hint that I think some your teenager has to take charge, they're confused about sexual guy at school is cute, mom teases be allowed to grow, and trusted to feelings and urges; they wonder me. No way could I have a seri- make personal decisions. Can you about love. ous discussion with her about accept that, knowing that in the sex.” process s/he may choose differ- Much of what they'd really like to ently from you, or that s/he will know is highly personal... not Might some of these concerns be make mistakes? health class material. Surveys getting in the way for your teen? show that teens wish they could Imagine sitting down with your It takes effort to open doors and ask mom and dad. 10th grader and saying something keep them open - extra effort if like this: parents and kids have not talked So what keeps teens from ap- “I really do care how you feel much about these personal issues proaching parents with their con- about things, and I understand we in the past. But do try now. Par- cern? A major obstacle is fear of won't always agree. That's ok. ents have so much to offer... and being judged: Just because we have different children are so eager to know. views doesn't mean our relation- ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 10 - No. 2

What's A Parent To Do!? 1. BE A HEALTHY, POSITIVE support builds a young person's ROLE MODEL sense of self worth and can re- Watching their own parents and duce the need to seek love, touch This parenting business is an awe- other caring adults relate with one some task ... awesome as in stress- and human connection in less another, teens learn about love healthy ways. ful, challenging, rewarding, scary, and intimacy. Through your be- delightful, frustrating, powerful, havior, you can teach your chil- 3. PROMOTE A SENSE OF THE and incredibly BIG... all at the dren how to create mature, loving FUTURE same time. relationships (and how to cope Help your teenager plan and reach with difficult ones). Help them goals. Encourage dreams, ambi- Wanting the best for their chil- see that sex is wonderful, AND it tions and exploration of career dren, parents struggle to find the has its place as part of the larger opportunities (avoiding stereo- right answers, deliver the appro- picture. Emphasize commitment, typed male/female options). Vi- priate guidance and create the love and communication as some sion and goals for a bright future deal experiences. And as parents of the other critical pieces. will encourage responsible face the awesomeness of parent- choices. hood, their kids face the awe- Married and single parents alike someness of “kidhood,” which can model loving, honest rela- 4. PAY ATTENTION TO THE can be intense. tionships. The value of such ex- PROCESS ample is clear. According to Dr. Growing up is just that - a proc- Specific to sexuality, the confu- Sol Gordon, an expert in the field ess. Great opportunities for learn- sion and anxieties of both parents of sexuality education: “The ing and insight occur all along the and teens reach new heights. No quality of love and caring by par- way. They're easily missed if ado- longer is it as simple as, “What ents or other important adults in lescence is viewed as a race or about pregnancy?” Sexually a child's life is the single most survival course, the sole purpose transmitted infections, HIV/ significant component of a child's being to get to the end. AIDS, abortion... the stakes are sex education. “ high at a time when many young Help your teen take the process people are sexually active and 2. REMAIN CONNECTED slowly, to remain attentive and to sexually ignorant. Parental expressions of love, at- recognize that it's the experience tention and support do not lose of the process - appreciation of Gaining knowledge and skills to their importance or appeal during and learning from growth - which make responsible sexual deci- the teen years. While they may results in true knowledge, aware- sions is one of the most important not directly request - and may at ness and maturity. challenges facing teens. Parents times resist - signs of affection cannot guarantee right answers, from mom and dad, teenagers appropriate guidance, and ideal need to hear and feel they are experiences. Even if they could, loved. Hugs, kisses, a squeeze of there are no guaranteed results. the hand, a pat on the back - Parents can, however, build the whatever is agreed upon - please odds in their children's favor: stay “in touch” with your teen. Experiencing family love and ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 10 - No. 3

The Art of Setting Limits sexually transmitted infections, Be up front about your concerns HIV and AIDS. You feel some- and the basis for your decisions. Young people need and want lim- what justified retreating to the “Because I'm your parent, that's its. Sure, they grumble, complain, tactics your own folks used with why!” is ineffective and cultivates and generally storm about the you - the absolute rules enforced resentment and anger. Try this: “I house insisting, “That's not fair! for your own good. know sexual urges and feelings You’re treating me like a baby! can be so powerful. It's important The other kids aren't treated like Yet you know strict prohibitions we agree on some limits which this.” To which a typical (inef- can backfire. Rigid dictates with will help you stay in control of fective) parent response is often, no room for negotiation often your decisions.” “I don't care about the other kids. create rebellion in teens. Parents I care about you!” can't realistically lock them up. Help your 10th grader set reason- Sure, you can try to keep them able limits for socializing with Sound familiar? It could be an from experimenting with sex by friends. Suggest ways to reduce instant replay of your own teen refusing to allow dating or by im- the potential for problems: parties years. Remember the lines you posing strict curfews. Though must be chaperoned, no alcohol swore you'd never use if you be- well-intentioned, such attempts or drugs, dating in groups, etc. came a parent? Like: “As long as are frequently misguided and fu- Remember, when kids help create you live in this house, you live by tile. the rules they're more likely to my rules.” “So all the other kids comply. AND, they learn from stay out late. You're not the other Consider this: Research shows the process. kids.” “I don't have to give you a that teenagers typically have sex reason. I said 'no.' That's all there at home, after school, before Parents want to minimize the is to it!” mom and/or dad get home from chances of kids getting into situa- work. It would seem more useful tions they're not ready to handle. Groan. More and more you use to agree on expectations for after- Young people want to avoid that those very words you found frus- school activities: a routine of risk too. Yet they may not have trating as a teenager. You're not homework, chores, organized developed skills to anticipate or trying to be unreasonable. It's just programs, sports, etc. negotiate those situations. So that you're a parent, with years of they're relieved to have the limits, life experience, 20-20 hindsight, You could insist that no friends and greatful to use mom and dad and memories of being in 10th be in the house without an adult... as an excuse when they need one. grade. You want to protect your at which your child may squawk Of course, they won't admit to child. And if you're totally honest, “I can't believe this! Don't you appreciating the boundaries, but you might admit that you fear los- trust me?” And you might say, that too is part of being a teen- ing whatever control you may “This isn't about trust. It's about ager... remember? have left over this “soon-to-be- helping you avoid difficult situa- young-adult.” tions that you may not know how to handle.” You know all about teen preg- nancies, children having children, ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 10 - No. 4

Why Should the School their job is to teach adolescents trust with regard to both the con- Take a Parent's Place as about handling challenges when tent and quality of the program. Sex Educator? mom and dad aren't around. Par- ents are wanting help with this, And the outcome? Research and increasingly, they seek that shows that school-based sexuality It shouldn’t! In an ideal world, help from the schools. education can make a difference. parents and kids would talk to- It can: gether about sexual issues with Studies show that nearly 90% of ease, grace and comfort. Conver- parents favor sex education in the • increase knowledge sations would be open; accurate schools. Yet ironically, fewer • reach young people before information would be presented, than 10% of students nationwide they are faced with sexual values shared, and positive, receive comprehensive sexuality decisions healthy attitudes toward sexuality education programs. What classes • increase parent/child com- promoted. In an ideal world. are offered are usually far too lit- munication tle, far too late. • increase decision-making The reality is, both parents and skills kids are looking for assistance Long overdue is the creation of a • increase young people's with this sex education business. family-school partnership which self-esteem More so than ever before, parents actively supports and promotes • help teenagers resist prema- recognize the importance of pro- sexuality education. Serving in ture or exploitive sexual ex- viding children with the informa- advocacy and advisory positions, periences tion and skills they need to under- parents can assist schools in pro- • give sexually active teens stand and appreciate sexuality. viding quality programs for the information and confi- During the teenage years, certain youth. But the school needs to dence to prevent pregnancy issues become even more perti- hear from mom and dad if this is and sexually transmitted in- nent: peer pressure, dating, sexual ever to work. fections decision-making, teen pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections, So much energy has been put into Noble achievements. As parents HIV... painting sex education as a con- and schools work in partnership troversial subject, that many for the sexuality education of In the past, “just say 'no'” might school administrators and teach- youth, our children reap the bene- have been enough. It's certainly ers have come to believe this is fits. They emerge the winners. So easier when they're 10. You sim- so. If you are a parent in support does the family... and society as a ply say, “You're not ready for of such education, you deserve to whole. sex. Period.” But what do you be heard... and your school de- say when they’re 17 or 18? serves to hear from you. Noble achievements.

Parents realize that, given the Active parent involvement in the times we live in, “just say 'no'” is curriculum process is an educa- no longer enough to offer our tion and an opportunity. It allows teens. Parents realize that part of for the building of agreement and

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 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 10 - No. 5

Beyond “Plumbing” Interestingly enough, when asked Parents were amazed at the depth how well their own families and complexity of the issues. It The program was entitled “Let's communicate about sex, parents hadn't occurred to them that 15- Talk About Sex.” The purpose and teens had very different opin- year-olds wondered about some was to bring parents and teens ions. Parents saw themselves as of this stuff. “I'm not sure what to together and help them find ways more open and willing to discuss say,” one mother exclaimed. She to discuss sexual issues with each sexual issues than their kids did. was not alone. other more comfortably, honestly The teenagers assumed mom and and thoughtfully. dad wouldn't want to talk about it, The following resources were so they didn't bother to ask. Many suggested for great information What an eye opener! agreed that parents covered the and the practical “how-to’s” of The group began by sharing why basics of sex... “the plumbing:” talking about sex. sex is hard to talk about. They menstruation, pregnancy, child- described embarrassment, uncer- birth, etc. But they wanted to Talking With Your Teenager tainty and ignorance around the know so much more! Ruth Bell & Leni Ziegler Wild- topic. Parents worried that giving flower too much information could en- “Like what?” the teens were One Teenager in Ten: Writings courage sexual activity. asked. “What else do you wish by Gay and Lesbian Youth you could discuss with your par- Ann Heron, editor “My folks never talked to me ents?” They wrote feverishly (and Straight from the Heart Carol about sex. I turned out ok, “one anonymously) on cards that were Cassell dad offered. “But it's different then read to the group. Talk About Sex Sexuality In- today,” said another. “Teens have formation & Education Council sex at younger ages, become What an eye opener! Here's of the U.S. pregnant, get abortions, have ba- what these young people wrote: It was useful for parents and teens bies... they need information! I'm • What's wrong with teens, say, just not sure how to give it.” to hear from each other about the 17 or 18 - having sex if they anxieties and discomforts that really care about each other and if The teenagers feared parental might get in the way of talking they use protection? together about sexuality. To par- judgment. “I'm not having sex, • How does a person know if but if I start asking a lot of ques- ents, teens suggest: s/he's gay? Can s/he change? “Listen, as well as talk; please tions, my parents might think I • How do you know what to do am.” “Most kids who are having respect our differences; discuss, when you have sex? don't preach; don't wait for us sex know their parents would be • My best friend's getting an abor- furious if they knew. They're not to ask.” And the parents advised tion. Nobody else knows. What teenagers: “Listen, as well as going to talk about it!” One do I say to her? young man added, “Adults get talk; please respect our differ- • I know a girl whose boyfriend ences; discuss, don't argue; kind of preachy about what they forced her to have sex with him. think is right for their kids. No- Don't wait for us... ASK! He said she lead him on. Is that body likes getting preached at. rape? Anyway, it doesn't work.” What an eye opener! ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 11 - No. 1

Share Your Wisdom What's wrong with teens having passion of the moment can be sex as long as they're responsi- overwhelming. People are “swept Adolescence is not a disease. It is ble? away,” often with unfortunate re- a time of explosive growth and sults. development at many levels. Love You might suggest that responsi- and patience are tested to the lim- bility goes far beyond preventing Love takes time and work. It's its. Teens are like chameleons: pregnancies and sexually trans- about respecting each other; shar- one day wise, mature and respon- mitted infections (STI's). Many ing and communicating; wanting sible; the next day inappropriate believe sex is for marriage, or at to be together; love is supportive in their behavior, lacking in sound least for the adult years. Parents and honors agreements; it doesn't judgment. need to share their beliefs about pressure or coerce; it doesn't take this with their children. Whether advantage. Love may or may not Not a particularly good time for or not the kids agree, it still needs include sex. sex to enter the picture. Yet, at to be said. this stage, it sometimes does. Teens get confused. They live Studies show that about half of all You might explain that most with a language that calls “having 17-year-olds have had sexual in- teens aren't emotionally ready for sex” “making love,” regardless of tercourse. Typical, everyday kids: the intense impact intercourse can the relationship. They presume from all social, economic and re- have on a relationship. Sexual being “turned on” is the same as ligious backgrounds. Just like the activity begun in the teen years being “in love,” and is therefore a kids next door. Just like your usually results in more partners justification for “making love.” kids. over time. Ask your teen to imag- Nobody has bothered to explain ine the emotional effects of re- the difference! Maybe you should talk. peated break ups of relationships that include intercourse. Add to Explain the difference to your OK, so it's hard. You acknowl- this that more partners equal teen. S/he may say, “Come on, I edge that, and go on. What do you greater risk of exposure to STI's. already know this stuff!” Be per- say? It's up to you. You're the sistent. Say something like, “I expert when it comes to your Parents know many reasons why know you do, but bear with me, family values and beliefs around even “responsible” teens are bet- ok? I'm checking in to be sure I've sexuality. You may need help ter off delaying sex until they're got it straight.” gathering your ideas or forming older. Share those reasons with the words. But you do know what your teen. At some point your child will be to say. Look into your heart. What making choices about sex. Re- messages do you have for your How can you tell if you're really gardless of when that happens, it's children? What do you wish for in love? important s/he have a clear under- them? standing of issues like sex, love, Talk about the difference between infatuation, attraction, etc. As you consider this, remember love and sex. Sexual attraction some of the BIG items on the creates powerful feelings which Maybe you should talk. minds of 16- and 17-year-olds: may be mistaken for love. The ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 11 - No. 2

The Abortion Issue of support, regardless of whether date rape. Statistics tell us that they agree with the ultimate 70-90% of all rape victims were Each year approximately 1.3 choice. It's likely that within their either dating or at least ac- million abortions occur in the lifetime, your children will be quainted with the rapist. One U.S.; about 1/3 to teens. called upon to vote on an abor- third of the victims were teenag- tionrelated measure. They will ers. Abortion is an intense, emotion- want to be informed. ally charged issue. Individual A few pointers to share with your views are affected by deeply held Family discussion about abortion teens: religious convictions, personal presents an ideal opportunity to • Say what you mean - strongly values, life experiences, etc. Your address a vital, underlying issue: and clearly. teenager would welcome and unintended and crisis pregnan- • Set limits before any sexual ex- benefit from your willingness to cies. Help your teenager appre- pression takes place - even kiss- explore with them the facts, feel- ciate the importance of preg- ing. ings and controversy around the nancy prevention. • You can say “no” at any point. issue. • “No” means “no”, not “maybe.” The concept of planning for par- • No one “owes” sex to a date. Be thoughtful and accurate with enthood embodies the belief that • Trust your feelings. your information. Misrepresent- children are important... cer- • Avoid being alone with someone ing facts in an effort to sway tainly important enough to be you don't know well. opinion one way or another is a consciously and carefully • Beware of a date who doesn't disservice to teens. Discussion planned. Childen are far too take “no” for an answer on other about abortion should not be seen special to allow them to happen issues. as a debate, or an attempt to chal- by chance. Yet we see hundreds • It is NEVER ok to force any lenge or change another's values. of thousands of teenagers in this sexual behavior on someone. country becoming pregnant by Rather it is an opportunity to chance...having babies by chance... In addition to these important share information and personal messages, there are excellent re- ideas and to explore the com- Issues such as abortion, un- sources to share with your teen: plexities of the issue. It's an op- planned pregnancies, pregnancy portunity to listen as well as talk. prevention, etc., are no doubt No is Not Enough C. Adams, J. challenging to discuss with your Fay & J. Loreen-Martin Abortion a powerful social issue teenager. And it's essential that Nobody Told Me It Was Rape which is likely to affect your chil- you do so. Caren Adams & Jennifer Fay dren, personally, at some point in So What's It to Me? G. Stringer their lives. They may confront Date/Acquaintance Rape & D. Rants-Rodriguez that decision themselves one day, or a friend, loved one, or family If your 1lth grader is becoming member may face that decision. more interested in relationships Certainly the more informed your and dating, now's a good time to children are, the more they can be discuss yet another difficult issue: ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 11 - No. 3

You Need To Talk 1. AIDS is caused by a virus engaged in unsafe sex practices called HIV (human immunodefi- should not be considered a safe Even families which openly dis- ciency virus). A person infected partner; correct and consistent use cuss sexuality often see a decline with HIV can pass the virus to of latex condoms offers great pro- in the amount of discussion as another during unprotected vagi- tection against infection. (discuss children get older. Perhaps it's nal or anal sex; by sharing nee- the correct way to use a condom); that the issues are more complex dles (used for injecting drugs, and value-laden. Teen pregnancy, steroids, vitamins) and possibly 7. Sharing razors, needles or premarital sex, birth control, through oral sex. piercing and tattooing instruments sexually transmitted infections, is risky. sexual orientation... not knowing 2. HIV can be passed from an in- quite what to say or how to say it, fected mother to her baby during 8. HIV is not spread by casual parents often avoid the subject. pregnancy, delivery or breastfeed- contact. It's safe to hug and touch ing. an HIV+ person, share food, uten- Parents may mistakenly believe sils, towels, etc. with them; you're that by their junior or senior year, 3. HIV has been contracted not in danger if an HIV+ person kids pretty much know what they through transfusions with infec- coughs or sneezes on you; HIV is need to about sex. Nothing could tion blood or blood products. spread only through infected be further from the truth! However, since 1985 all donated blood, semen, vaginal fluids or blood and blood products are breast milk. At best, this can lead to confused, screened for the virus, so the risk misinformed youth, and at worst, is very, very small. HIV is not Contact your local Planned Par- sexually active, sexually illiterate contracted by donating blood. enthood or local health depart- youth at risk of pregnancy, sexu- ment for updated HIV/AIDS in- ally transmitted infections and 4. Currently there is no cure for formation. exposure to HIV. AIDS. Medications can greatly help some HIV+ people, but not How to Talk With Your Child “HIV?” you say, “Surely teenag- all... and they are not a cure. About AIDS Planned Parenthood ers don't need to be that con- Federation of America cerned about HIV and AIDS... 5. Even with no obvious symp- Lynda Madaras Talks to Teens unless they're gay or injection toms, an infected person can still About AIDS Lynda Madaras drug users.” pass the virus. Difficult? Sure. Embarrassing? WRONG. Interestingly enough, 6. HIV infection can be pre- You bet. But no one has ever lit- that's the same misconception vented. Abstaining from sex and erally “died” of embarrassment. many teens have. Let's clear it up needle sharing is the surest way. People – teenagers - have died, for you and for them. By grade If a person has vaginal, anal or literally, from AIDS. 11, your teenager needs the fol- oral sex, the more sexual partners, lowing information about HIV/ the greater the risk; it's important You need to talk. AIDS: to know the sexual history of any sexual partner; anyone who has ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 11 - No. 4

Nurturing Self Esteem true self-esteem. To be of real tration may not be as good today assistance, help your child ac- as it usually is. That doesn't make Don't be fooled by the adult-like knowledge personal value, abili- me a jerk.” packaging or independence of ties and strengths. your high school junior. In later Your child may find it awkward adolescence, hormones move to- Ask your teen to complete the to practice correcting negative ward equilibrium, self-concept following: “I like myself be- comments, but it's important. gains more solid ground, and ma- cause...” S/he is to talk for a full The more we quietly accept turity seems possible after all! minute, listing as many reasons as negative comments and per- Appreciate the progress, and re- s/he can. Then, you feed back sonal slams, the more we come member that 11th graders are still what you heard: “You like your- to hold them as true. in the thick of adolescence. self because...” Help your teenager deal with dis- There are fluctuations - one day Don't be surprised if your teen appointments in ways that pro- self-assured, insightful, responsi- feels self-conscious or runs out of mote learning and acceptance. if ble; the next, childish, self- things to say before time is up. your son doesn't get the lead in centered, temperamental. These You may find yourself prompting, the school play, acknowledge his flip-flops cause confusion and even adding items not mentioned hurt and commend his effort. frustration for all. Add to this the by your child. They may be quali- Help him plan for improving his pressures, expectations, un- ties you value in your child that skills. knowns of the high school years - s/he overlooks or doesn't believe you see how your teen's self- are so. Discuss why self- Urge your child to repeat image esteem might need repairs. acknowledgment/ appreciation is building statements (affirma- uncomfortable... and why it's so tions) everyday, such as: “I'm The powerful influence of self- important. successful.” “I like myself.” “I concept cannot be overstated. have a good attitude.” Teens who feel good about them- Adolescence can at times be selves are more likely to make brutal on a young person's self- Work with your child to set positive decisions - about school, concept. Point out the growth short term goals at which s/he friends, relationships, sex, drugs - you've noticed. When a reprimand can be successful; give him/her whatever! The parent's role in is in order, focus on the behavior the freedom to make decisions, nurturing a child's self-esteem is as unacceptable, not the person. take on responsibilities, make critical. Tell your child often, “I love mistakes... and process the re- you.” sults of each. With each success This is not about pumping up comes higher self-esteem. And your kids, or heaping empty Help your teen process negative with higher self-esteem comes praise on them. It's not about comments. Your daughter's friend greater opportunity for a posi- comparing your child to others: “I says, “Dana, you jerk! You never tive, fulfilling life. think you're better than... stronger keep your eye on the ball.” Teach than... smarter than...” This level Dana to turn it around and say Not a bad idea to promote to your of “support” won't serve to build what's really true: “My concen- kids. ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 11 - No. 5

Yet Another Challenge Take time to identify what you implications. Consistently reaf- know vs. what you suspect. This firm that you love and support As usual, you checked the pock- lets you calm yourself, gather your child even if you disagree ets of Mike's pants before wash- your thoughts, and do what must with the behavior. ing them. This time you found a come next: talk with your teen. condom. Rushing off for school, Resist the urge to forbid your Sara dropped her purse and out Both parents (if possible) should teenager to see his/her partner fell a brochure marked Planned first agree on the messages they again. Rarely effective, this Parenthood Teen Birth Control want to present. Then share your merely drives their relationship Clinic. suspicions and concerns - hon- underground. Ultimatums and estly - with your teen. Emphasize threats breed resentment, anger, How do parents respond to the the values, attitudes and expecta- resistance - none of which serve suspicion that their 17-year-old tions you hold about teens and the most important purpose: might be having sex? What sex. Ask your teenager what keeping communication open so should they do? And not do? s/he believes, and take those you can help your child make opinions to heart - even though wise decisions. First: breathe ... slowly, deeply... you may disagree. taking time to move beyond the Though they may not approve of shock, anger - whatever the ini- If your suspicions are correct, the behavior, parents still have a tial, gut reaction is. Don't attempt avoid comments like “I'm responsibility to help children a discussion when you're upset. crushed!” or “How could you do deal with the choice to be sexu-

this?” Blame, guilt, etc., are dam- ally active. Information is critical Consider the facts: Mike has a - about the emotional conse- condom. Is it to use or for show aging. Focus on the behavior. If quences and risks, about preg- to impress his peers? The telltale you think teen sex is inappropri- nancy, sexually transmitted infec- “O” imprinted on a young man's ate or unwise or risky, say that - tions, contraception... just as the wallet or back pocket is consid- or whatever you believe. This is sharing of feelings and values is ered a mark of sexual experience. far different from condemning the critical. How much truth there is in that is child.

anybody's guess. In the end, your teen may con- Ultimately teens make their own tinue to be sexually active. Then And the brochure listing teen decisions about sex. Parents can again, s/he may see the value of clinic services, hours, cost... only do their best to inform, offer your arguments and choose to re- maybe Sara got it in class the day guidance and share values. If your consider. Either way, the sharing a guest speaker talked about teen teen is sexually active, ask that and guidance which is so essen- pregnancy. Maybe it's for a writ- s/he examine the reasons and cir- tial to your child's well-being can ing assignment. Or... maybe Sara cumstances surrounding that continue only if open is having sex. choice. Discuss the relationship communication is maintained. and level of commitment. Why Concentrate on that goal, and you If you ever face this dilemma, has sex become part of it? Is there just might be amazed at the don't leap to conclusions, but pressure for sex? Does s/he see results. don't ignore the situation either. any drawbacks? Explore possible ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 12 - No. 1

The Value of Values “e - value - ation” allows us to such as love, relationships, pre- better guide our children in de- marital sex, birth control, sexual There's all this talk about teaching veloping their own personal val- orientation, abortion, pregnancy, “values” around sexuality: shar- ues about sexuality. parenting, sexually transmitted

ing family “values”; respecting infections, etc. Parents and teens This process is healthy - and that the “values” of others may be need the freedom to express to sometimes painful - as people ex- different; acting on one's personal one another what they know, feel, amine long accepted codes. Fami- “values.” value and expect around each of lies confront the possibility that these issues. the kids' values may not always Just what are these things line up with the folks. And it's called “values” anyway? Where The following exercise can help incredibly enriching to discover do they come from? Do they in clarifying values around sexu- there is common ground. ality. Parents can do it alone or change over time, and if so, does that mean they weren't really with their teens: For each state- We teach children values around ment, explain why you agree, feel “values” in the first place? sexuality through words, but per- neutral, or disagree: haps more importantly by model- Values are personal truths ing behaviors we see as right and upon which we base our life de- • Premarital sex is wrong. just. Media and peers also pro- • Teens should have access to cisions. We may not recall con- mote values (or lack of) in the sciously choosing our values: they birth control without parental messages they deliver. consent. just seem to be there, influencing • Abortion should be legal. our attitudes and behaviors. Moving toward independence, • A career for married women is teens need opportunities to ques- most acceptable after the children With such vagueness about val- tion, examine, and test values. are older. ues, we can have difficulty ex- Then they can freely and con- • If a 15-year-old becomes preg- plaining them to children. Parents sciously form their personal value nant, she should place the baby may have little experience defin- system. This allows them to truly for adoption. ing or examining their values “own” their values - to have the • Gay and lesbian couples should around sexuality, so attitudes and conviction to live by them. beliefs may be passed on without have the freedom to adopt. much active discussion. It's a difficult balance for parents: striving to support sons and Your 12th grader's decisions It's important to revisit our core daughters in choosing their own around sexuality will be greatly beliefs from time to time; to clar- values, while at the same time of- affected by the ability to clarify, ify, alter if necessary, and reaf- fering input and guidance. It re- express, affirm and act on per- firm what is true for us. This can quires trust that children are capa- sonal values. These are skills be scary, since it forces us to ex- ble of choosing values that will which improve with practice. If amine what we say we value and work well for them in their lives. parents encourage such practice what we truly value. It also makes within the safety of the family, us face how well our behaviors We can help our teens by com- they better prepare their teen for match our beliefs. This process of municating openly about issues life beyond high school. ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 12 - No. 2

What to Do?! How do the messages differ? What “Right now, you have the ability to conflict can this cause? How might say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to sexual activity, Teens may think the only choice the conflict be resolved? Who can regardless of pressure you may to be made about sex is: “Should assist? Repeat the process for sev- feel from your peers, your parents I or shouldn't I” The reality is, eral topics, including dating and - whoever - to make the decision sexual decision-making involves relationships, pregnancy, birth con- they want you to make. Ultimately a lot more than merely deciding trol, abortion, living together out- it’s up to you. Whatever you de- whether to have sex, and if so, side of marriage, etc. cide, choose thoughtfully.”

when and with whom. “Consider how you make your This isn't about who's right or decisions. If it's by impulse, have Life after high school brings in- wrong; it's about identifying and you truly thought things through? creasing opportunities to decide evaluating the range of sexual mes- If your judgment is clouded (by about sex. If your family hasn't sages out there. Ultimately your drugs, alcohol, stress, etc.), how addressed this issue thoroughly, teen must clarify what s/he truly might this affect your decisions? NOW IS THE TIME! Avoiding believes. Only then can there be If you let someone else decide for open discussion about sexual de- informed and thoughtful decision- you, do you risk going against cisions only serves to leave young making. what you really believe and feel? people unprepared. If you don't make and clearly ex- This exercise requires safety to press a decision, might this en- For teens, it can be incredibly address such personal issues. To courage someone else to step in complicated... so many conflict- create that safety, establish some and decide for you? If you evalu- ing messages from “Just say ‘no’” agreements, for example: ate options and then decide, how to “Go for it!” No wonder they're 1. Discussion is confidential. might that increase your power to confused. 2. You can speak honestly, with- make choices that are consistent

out fear of consequence. with your personal values?” In fact, that's a good place to be- 3. You have the right to speak gin a conversation with your teen without interruption. Important decisions in life de- about this whole business of sex- 4. You may pass any time. serve thought, evaluation, and ual decision-making. Consider careful consideration. Help your using the following exercise: (NOTE: Establish only those teen appreciate that personal agreements which you and your power, freedom and self-respect You and your teen complete and teen will honor and follow. If you come from taking charge of one's discuss these statements: have difficulty with agreements, life choices. consider asking for assistance About sexual intercourse, from a third party, for example, a Sexual decision-making is a very my parents tell me______family friend, counselor, etc.) big deal for teenagers today. my friends tell me ______What's sad is that most are totally my religion tells me ______Remind your teen that “Your unprepared for the challenge. the media tells me ______body belongs to you. You decide I believe ______how to express yourself, sexually Your teen needn't be one of them. and otherwise.” ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 12 - No. 3

Cleaning Up the Myths Struggling to gain comfort with people are wrong. Differences their own sexual development, don’t justify mistreatment. When my son John asked to talk to teens are especially threatened by me about a friend he was worried the subject of homosexuality. Yet It turned out John really was ask- about - a friend with a problem - I they’re intensely curious... about ing about a friend. But what if he got worried. As a kid, whenever I what it means to be gay; what wasn’t? I think of all those young was in trouble and needed an- “causes” it, how to tell if some- people out there feeling confused, swers, I never admitted I was the one is gay, etc. ashamed; alienated from their

one with the problem. It was al- peers, alone with their secret; I told John all I knew about the ways, “I’ve got this ‘friend,’ and fearing rejection from their family subject, which I confess wasn’t he’s got this problem...” and friends. And no one to talk to. much. He was surprised to hear

that many children and adoles- “He thinks he might be gay, The existence of gay youth is of- cents have some kind of sexual Dad,” John continued. ten denied. Think about it... sex experience with persons of the education, if it happens at all, is same gender - whether it be “Who?” I almost demanded. I phrased almost exclusively in “playing doctor,” sexual touch- wanted to shout, “John, who are heterosexual terms. In avoiding ing... or strong feelings of attrac- we really talking about here?” open, honest discussion, we allow tion and sexual fantasies. Such But I contained myself. I value for continued misunderstanding, experiences and feelings are the openness John and I share... mistrust, fear, isolation. If we say common, normal, and not neces- on lots of issues, including sexu- nothing to our sons and daughters sarily proof that one is gay. about this topic, that in itself ality. I didn’t want to jeopardize that now. speaks volumes. “There are a lot of theories, John, but no one knows what ‘causes’ “I don’t want to say, Dad. But I So I encourage you, parents... someone to be either homosexual John, his friend, and all those like need to talk about it. All I ever or heterosexual. Evidence shows hear about gay people are crude him encourage you... to speak that being gay isn’t a choice... with your teens about sexual ori- jokes and negative comments. rather it’s a compelling, deeply Some people are pretty hateful. entation. The following books held orientation. We may not un- may be useful: Maybe they just don’t understand. derstand... and we don’t have to. I don’t understand... and I’m not Their relationships can be just as On Being Gay: Thoughts on sure what to do for my friend.” loving, genuine and fulfilling to Family, Faith and Love Brian them as ours can be to us.” McNaught The tradition of condemning ho- mosexuality is firmly embedded “We also know that sexual orien- Now That You Know: A Par- in our culture. Unfortunately, tation isn’t contagious. Having a ent’s Guide to Understanding AIDS added fuel to the fire of gay teacher, coach, or even a par- Their Gay and Lesbian Chil- homophobia - fear and hostility ent doesn’t ‘turn’ someone gay.” dren Betty Fairchild and Nancy toward people who are gay or les- Hayward bian. The result has been even I told John that I believe hatred less tolerance. and discrimination against gay ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 12 - No. 4

Take Care young women have an annual gy- Help your daughter appreciate necological exam beginning with that she can take charge of these Even those committed to a the onset of sexual intercourse, or health issues. Encourage her to healthy lifestyle often neglect by age 18. track her menstrual cycle, noting their sexual health. For example, any problems or changes. Pro- how many women are diligent Discussing both the value and mote monthly breast self-exam about their annual Pap and pelvic specifics of this medical exam (BSE). Breast cancer affects 1 in exam - or practice monthly breast with your daughter can ease anxi- 9 women; with BSE, a young self exam? How many men per- ety. It also helps establish a posi- woman may detect a potentially form (or even know about) tes- tive attitude toward sexual health. dangerous breast lump early on. ticular self-exam? Yet, testicular cancer is one of the most common Explain that the purpose of an Young men should be taught cancers in males aged 15-34. annual exam is to see if the re- about the importance of testicular Learning how to examine the tes- productive organs are healthy, self-exam (TSE) for the early de- tes properly can be a life saving and to detect any problems early tection of testicular cancer. Stud- skill. on. The Pap smear is a simple test ies show that most young men in which a sample of cells from know little about TSE, yet have Neglect of sexual health is an ex- the cervix (neck of the uterus) is significant fears about contracting tension of discomfort about sexu- examined for irregularities. Since testicular cancer. Found early and ality in general. Embarrassment Pap smears first became available treated promptly, there is an ex- around touching, examining or as a screening tool in 1941, cellent chance for cure. But the paying attention to our sexual deaths due to cervical cancer have mildness of early symptoms, ig- anatomy contributes to poor fallen 70%! Annual Paps are one norance, fear, and denial are fac- health habits. These include re- of the most important ways a tors which may cause adolescents luctance to practice good repro- woman can care for her sexual to delay seeking medical atten- ductive health care (routine ex- health. tion. ams, treatment for sexually transmitted infections, appropri- The first annual exam can have Many of these same factors also ate use of protection). tremendous impact on attitudes keep adolescents (even adults) toward and comfort with sexual from seeking necessary medical As you promote positive behav- health care. Parents help create a attention for other sexual health iors around sexuality with your more positive experience by pre- issues such as unintended preg- family, include support for sexual paring their daughter. “Pelvic nancy, sexually transmitted infec- health. Exam: Your Key to Good tions, etc. It doesn’t have to be Health” is an excellent Planned that way. Educate and support By grade 12, young women Parenthood pamphlet, designed to your teen in all areas of sexuality should be prepared for their Pap inform and support young women - including sexual health. smear and pelvic exam. (Parents: in safeguarding their reproductive attending to this does not imply health. that you are encouraging sexual activity.) It’s recommended that ______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska Grade 12 - No. 5

A Letter of Love respectful and honorable in your we remember all the talks we had sexual decision-making, Kevin. - or didn't have – or wished we'd Dear Kevin, Love and sex are not one and the had with Kevin about sex. We same... don't confuse them, or know the value and importance of You're growing into a handsome, misrepresent them to another. such communication continue bright, and sexy young man. well beyond the high school Watching you fills us with love We expect that you will make years. Sexuality is such a com- and pride - plus, we confess, a bit sexual decisions which are posi- plex issue, at any age. of worry. But then, do parents tive and affirming - not ones ever stop worrying about their which exploit either yourself or The chapter on Kevin's high children? others. We recognize and respect school years is closing. That does- that some of your beliefs may dif- n't guarantee that rational thought We know that you are as amazed fer from ours. We trust that you about sexuality, appropriate (and probably confused) about have taken the time to carefully behavior and responsible choices your emerging sexuality as we sort out what you value and hold are automatically cemented in sometimes are. It's difficult to to be true. We also trust that you place. On the contrary, in many accept you as a “sexy young man” will act on your values - for only ways, we know some of the - and frankly, hard to ignore. As then will you feel self-respect. greatest challenges lie ahead - on you go through the process of un- the college campus and beyond. derstanding yourself as a sexual We hope that you will ask us for We want Kevin to be prepared. person, please think about the be- help if you find yourself con- liefs and values we have shared fused, hurt or stuck over any issue So we wrote this letter - to let with you over the years. We hope you cannot resolve - whether it be Kevin know that, among other you will consider them carefully. related to sex, friends, school... things, we want sex to be some- whatever. thing we can always discuss in this Know that you can have strong family. It takes extra effort to talk sexual feelings, and choose not to Remember we love you very with a 12th grader about sex. There act on them. Take the time you much, Kevin, and are proud to be are so many shades of gray, “what need to make wise choices that your parents. if’s,” and differing opinions. Emo- are right for you. You don't have tions run high, discomfort sets in. to have sexual intercourse be- Love, Mom and Dad cause “everybody's doing it,” or Sometimes it's easier to just for- because peers are pressuring you Kevin is a high school senior. get it, cross your fingers, and to “be a man.” There's a lot to be What a landmark. So much hope you've already covered it all. said for waiting, you know. Your growth and development under But we didn't want to do that. We decisions about sex are yours and his belt - and so much more to go. wanted to take one more opportu- yours alone. Whatever you His father and I recognize that nity to prepare our special young choose, choose responsibly. this is his final year home with us man for his journey of separation - he's off to college next fall. As and independence. We expect you to be thoughtful, we prepare to launch this young man into the world, on his own, So we wrote this letter.

______

 1999 PPHSSO 1670 High St., Eugene, OR 97401 Gossart/Stefanovska