Adoption and School Issues

A FactSheet for Families

1993

What’s Inside: • How adoption impacts children at school Like all children, adopted children spend a good portion of their waking hours in school. Because • Preschool/kindergarten school is such an important aspect of children’s • Elementary school lives, adoptive parents, like all parents, want their • Junior and senior high school child’s school experience to be a positive one. • Specific educational concerns When your child has a problem at school, you • Learning lag, learning problem, or learning might find yourself wondering: Is this a problem disability? related to adoption, or is it a “generic” develop- • Increasing the adoption sensitivity of school personnel • Using positive adoption language

Child Welfare Information Gateway Children’s Bureau/ACYF U.S. Department of Health and Human Services 1250 Maryland Avenue, SW Administration for Children and Families Eighth Floor Washington, DC 20024 Administration on Children, Youth and Families 703.385.7565 or 800.394.3366 Children’s Bureau Email: [email protected] www.childwelfare.gov Adoption and School Issues www.childwelfare.gov

mental, educational, or school system problem common to all children? Preschool/Kindergarten This factsheet will look at three areas. The first is how adoption impacts a youngster When children attend day care or nursery in school. We will discuss if, when, how, school, they are exposed to many new expe- and why to talk about adoption with school riences beyond the protected world of their personnel. Second, we will examine some immediate family. Often it is the first time specific educational problems that are they interact socially with a group of chil- common to adopted children and how to dren. They make new friends, learn to deal advocate for the educational and support with a new authority figure (the teacher), services that they might need. Third, we master routines, sing songs, pet a guinea pig, will suggest ways to help students, teachers, and imitate adult roles in a housekeeping principals, and other school personnel to area just their size. become more sensitive to adoption issues. Educational goals for preschool children At the end of this factsheet there is an infor- are normally low-key. Supporting the mation sheet on positive adoption language development of the child’s self-esteem and that can be given to school personnel. For self-confidence in the world beyond the additional resources, visit the Child Welfare family is usually the priority. Social skills Information Gateway website at www. such as taking turns, sharing, and follow- childwelfare.gov. ing directions are emphasized. Gross motor development and creative expression are encouraged. Activities may center around How Adoption Impacts colors, shapes, number concepts, and letters, Children at School among other things, but formal drilling in reading readiness or arithmetic facts is Adoption can impact children at school usually not a part of the curriculum. Most in two ways: educationally and socially. If preschools want to help children gain self- a child is grieving for or fantasizing about awareness and a love of learning that will birth family to the extent that it affects his be a good foundation for their elementary ability to concentrate and learn, that is an school experience. educational effect. If a child is teased on Children who are 3 or 4 years old and were the playground by classmates who say that adopted as infants or toddlers rarely show he must be bad because his “real” parents any adoption-related adjustment problems. gave him away, that is a social effect. Yet Since they do not fully understand repro- the teasing can also affect self-esteem, duction yet, they cannot really understand which can affect school performance. Let’s what adoption means. They may blissfully look at both of these areas in three general tell and retell the story of their adoption to time periods: preschool and kindergarten, anyone who will listen. Preschool children elementary school, and junior-senior high do not have prejudices about skin color school. (unless they are actively taught to have

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it by their parents or other adults) and tion, you might want to make a classroom are usually accepting of all children who presentation. If so, you should emphasize behave in a friendly way towards them. that adoption is one of the many ways Transracially and transculturally adopted that families are formed. Lois Melina, an children, therefore, probably won’t experi- Idaho-based adoptive parent and author ence prejudice during this time. However, of several books on adoption, says the children this age are aware of differences in following points are appropriate for the physical features and may need some help preschool years: to understand them. • There are different types of families. Whether to tell the preschool staff that • People who live together and care about your child was adopted is a question with each other are a family. no absolute answer. If your child was transracially adopted, the topic will come up • Sometimes members of a family do not automatically. If there is a request to bring live together but they still care about in a newborn photo for a bulletin board and each other. you adopted your child at age 6 months, it Kindergartners have some understanding will come up then as well. Claudia Jewett of reproduction, although Melina says they Jarratt, a Boston-area family therapist for are probably more interested in how babies 25 years and adoptive mother of seven are born than in how they are conceived. A children, suggests that telling or not telling detailed discussion of reproduction would the school about adoption is an individual probably not be appropriate for a kindergar- matter. Says Jarratt, “You do what makes ten class. However, you probably could say your child feel loved and affirmed in all that every baby grows inside a woman and areas of adoption.” If you do tell, it is cer- that after the baby is born, the child may tainly not necessary to share all the details live with the woman who gave birth to him, of the birth family’s situation. or he may live with other parents. Since preschools and day care centers are often private and separate from the public school system, the preschool years are a Elementary School good time for adoptive parents to practice interacting with school personnel about First grade is when “real school” begins. adoption issues without the fear that any Six‑year-olds have reached the age when labels will necessarily follow their child they can be required to sit still, pay atten- throughout his school career. Parents can tion, maintain order in line, and learn to start to get comfortable with the idea of read and write. They gain a new sense of sharing information about the child’s adop- independence and assurance as they ride tion if they feel it is appropriate or that it to school on the bus alone, negotiate the can help the child’s adjustment to school. cafeteria, receive a report card, and perform If the children and teachers in your child’s in the school pageant. They also begin to class at preschool seem curious about adop- participate in group activities outside of

school such as the soccer team, cub scouts, and why. Good opportunities for adoption or ballet lessons—that help them to develop discussions are at the very beginning of the a variety of new skills. school year, at parent-teacher conferences, and on back-to-school night. At this age, adopted children begin to be able to grasp the fuller meaning of their Some professionals and adoptive parents adoption, including the loss and abandon- think it is unwise to share adoption infor- ment issues that may be associated with mation with teachers because they fear it. They may spend time fantasizing about teachers will single out their children, make their birthparents and wondering what they them feel different, or cause them to be are like. They may feel that they were placed made fun of, called names, or given special for adoption because they were not good, treatment. Others say that parents cannot pretty, or smart enough to be kept. With expect teachers to become more sensitive mental energy tied up in these concerns, to adoption issues, use positive adoption children can find it difficult to pay atten- language, and help adopted children feel tion in class and to learn their lessons, even more secure if parents are not willing to if they do not have learning disabilities. share openly and affirm their own positive And because this is the first time that more feelings about adoption. intense educational demands are placed Linda Yellin, an adult adoptee, therapist, on the child, if a child does have a learn- and consultant from the Detroit area who ing disability or a specific condition such specializes in pre and post adoption services, as attention deficit disorder, this is when it believes in most cases it is useful to share may surface. information about certain aspects of adop- Children in elementary school are old tion with appropriate school personnel. enough to decide for themselves whether to Regarding preschoolers and elementary tell their classmates about their adoption. school age children she states, “With the They must be taught, however, that once increase in openness in adoption practice, they tell, they will not be able to “take it it is helpful for school personnel to under- back.” Also, you need to help your child stand that some adopted children continue recognize that people have different reac- to have contact with their siblings, former tions to this information. You must give foster families, and in some cases, with him the tools to respond to these reactions, birthparents and extended birth family especially if they are negative (see the Infor- members. If school personnel are aware and mation Gateway factsheet Explaining Adop- sensitive to these situations, they are more tion to Your Children, Family and Friends). apt to respond appropriately.” Your experience with preschool teachers Children Adopted From the may help you decide whether to share adoption information with gradeschool person- Foster Care System nel. If you feel it is important to discuss A child who is newly adopted from the adoption with your child’s teacher, tell your foster care system at age 6 will have some child exactly what you will be talking about of the same school issues as a 6-year-old

adopted as an infant. He will be dealing detail provided to a therapist or counselor with the grief and loss that all children is different from that provided to a teacher. living away from their birthparents deal The teacher needs to know just enough with. He may also have some other dif- history so that he or she can understand ficulties. If he experienced abuse or neglect some of the reasons for the child’s current and more than one caretaker, he may not functioning in the classroom. have received the emotional nurturing he When you share this information, you required at a younger age. Interruptions should tell the teacher that you expect the in attachment, early deprivations, cultural information to be treated as a professional differences, and moves can cause a child to confidence. It is not to be shared freely with act younger than he is. He may not be able anyone who does not have a need to know. to learn as fast as children his own age; and yet, if he is physically the same size as his If you think your child will need services classmates, he will be expected to perform at not normally provided in the regular class- the same level as everyone else. These nega- room, you need to advocate for those ser- tive experiences may also cause a child to vices. Unlike past adults in his life who were have low self-esteem, problems with author- not trustworthy and who did not work as a ity, difficulties in getting along with other team on his behalf, you and school person- children, depression, or antisocial behavior, nel must work together. Your child needs to such as lying, stealing, or disrupting class. get the message: “You are important. We can make this work.” A parent of a child adopted from the foster care system almost has to discuss the child’s It also might be necessary for your family adoption with school personnel, so that to seek other postadoption services along they will understand these background with the school-provided educational ser- factors and be able to plan useful interven- vices, such as psychotherapy or association tions together with the adoptive family. with other adoptive families in an adoptive parent support group. For more informa- If your child has the potential to have tion on this, see the Information Gateway some serious school problems because factsheet on postadoption services at www. of his former birth family or foster care childwelfare.gov/pubs/f_after/index.cfm. system experiences, you need to get school personnel to become a part of the problem- School Assignments solving team with you, along with your child’s social worker, former foster families, Related to Adoption and other key players that you determine. In many elementary schools, third or fourth To enlist their support, you should share graders are asked to make a family tree. You relevant information about your child’s can help ease the possible uncomfortable background; however, you should be cau- feelings that your child might have about tious in how much detail you provide, and this assignment by talking with the teacher to whom. There is no need to talk about about the child’s adoption ahead of time. the specifics of the abuse, for instance, or to If you have enough information about the reveal who the perpetrator was. The level of birth family, perhaps your child’s family

tree can include information about both the are still concrete and not abstract thinkers) birth family and the adoptive family. Lois that all you have to do to adopt is pay some Melina, in “Making a Family Tree Helpful money. Adoptions of whales and redwoods for Adopted Child,” points out the benefits must be renewed every year. Do their to adopted children that such an assignment parents have to pay more money every year can provide. It is a natural opportunity to to keep them? And if their parents do not talk about adoption with your child. pay the money, will they be thrown out? You might need to mention to your child’s In the 1990’s there are many varieties teacher that the project is fine, but that the of families. Children nowadays can live phrase “adopt-a-” is problematic. Such a with adoptive parents, foster parents, one project may require some sensitive explana- parent, divorced parents with joint custody, tion on the teacher’s part to a class contain- stepparents, grandparents, or two parents ing adopted children. of the same gender. Most teachers in this day and age are aware of these differences. If your child is comfortable with the idea, Hopefully they will take the opportunity to presentations on transculturally adopted point out that each type of family is a “real” children’s countries of origin are often well family, and that no one type is better than received by children of this age and their the other. You might suggest to the teacher teachers. Slides, photographs, crafts, tradi- to emphasize to the children that while tional clothes, and foods are particularly families may look different on the outside, enjoyable. This type of presentation can on the inside they are all the same—they sometimes be worked into social studies are made up of people who care for and units, particularly in schools where there is love one another. If handled in this way, the already a multicultural population. Activi- assignment should be a self-esteem builder ties that are aimed at eliminating cultural for your child and all the children in your stereotypes and getting children to see that child’s class. we are a diverse global community where people have many differences as well as Elementary school may also be the time similarities are also useful. when a teacher suggests what he or she thinks is an innocent-sounding science or social studies project for the class to under- Junior and Senior take—adopt a whale, zoo animal, redwood tree or highway. While the intent is to High School impart positive messages about the need for all of us to take responsibility for saving Educational and social demands are much endangered species and improving our greater on youngsters in junior or senior environment, this kind of project can have high school. There are different teachers for negative effects on adopted children of this each subject, rather than one dependable age. teacher to report to, and each one has dif- These types of projects may lead school-age ferent expectations. School assignments are adopted children to conclude (because they longer and more complex, and exams are

harder. The school itself is much larger, and decided on adoption and their feelings and the number of kids can be overwhelming. experiences. The adopted teens talk about There are lockers and gym class, clubs to their feelings and experiences about being join, and cliques to figure out. Messages and adopted, hopefully in a positive manner, music from the popular culture and media while realistically discussing the special bombard the youngster. And with all of this, issues they have to deal with. hormones are raging and causing all kinds How do adopted kids in this age group do in of bodily and emotional changes. school? Well, there is good news. According Since teenagers are more capable of abstract to a recent national survey conducted by thinking, adoption discussions in school the Search Institute of Minneapolis, Min- can be more sophisticated. Teenagers know nesota, out of 4,600 adopted teenagers in how a girl gets pregnant, and can under- the United States, 56 percent say they like stand why someone might not be able to school, and 20 percent “aren’t sure.” These care for a baby after it is born. They can percentages are not much different than also understand the concepts of child abuse those of nonadopted teens (54 percent and and neglect, and that society has an obliga- 23 percent, respectively). Two out of three tion to protect children and provide a safe adopted teens say they try as hard as they and secure environment for them. All this can to do their best in school, and three out being said, adopted teens still may not have of four say they plan to finish high school worked through all their feelings about their and go to college. Adoptive parents ask adoption. Precisely because they have more about homework and curriculum, help with understanding, and because this is a time homework, and attend meetings at school at when sexuality and identity issues surface, the same rate as other parents. Thus, despite their adoptive status may cause them to our worries, and even though some adopted feel even more embarrassed or rejected teens struggle because of learning disabili- than when they were younger. Teenagers ties, school is a positive experience for most sometimes render harsh value judgments of them. about themselves, seeing only the black and One cautionary note, however, is that this white and none of the grey areas. You may survey focused on teens who were adopted still need to help school personnel see that as infants or young children. If the survey adoption affects adopted children’s perfor- included more young people adopted at a mance and adjustment at school even when later age and as a result of birthparent abuse they reach junior high or high school age. or neglect and placement in the foster care Discussions about adoption at the junior system, the results might be different. Just high and high school level fit in well in a because one study finds that adopted kids family life, health, home economics, or sex do okay in high school does not mean that education class. Lois Melina suggests that a you can sit back and do nothing. The reper- panel consisting of birthparents, adoptive cussions of adoption can last a long time, parents, and adopted teens makes a good and as conscientious parents, you still need presentation for teens. The birthparents to stay involved. and adoptive parents talk about why they

pregnancy, these environmental influences Specific Educational may have some effect. Abuse or neglect, if it caused physical injury, neurological damage, Concerns or emotional distress can also play a role in producing learning disabilities. A number of articles have been written over Another contributing factor may be that the years saying that adopted children are adoptive parents tend to be extremely more likely than nonadopted children to watchful of their children. If a child shows have learning disabilities, particularly atten- the slightest sign of a problem, they tend tion deficit disorder, with or without hyper- to seek professional help; thus, adopted activity (see bibliography). It is not within children may simply be diagnosed as the scope of this factsheet to try to help you having learning problems sooner than diagnose whether your child has a learning other children. disability. The subject is so complex, and there are many other resources available to inform you about them—your local school Learning Lag, district, the State board of education, and national support groups on specific disabili- Learning Problem, or ties are a few. For the names and addresses Learning Disability? of some support groups for parents of children having developmental and/or learning disabilities, read the Information Gateway’s For a child to have a “learning disability,” factsheet Adopting Children With Developmen- specific criteria have to be met. Tests have tal Disabilities. to be administered and results examined to determine this. Not every learning problem It is within the scope of this factsheet, or learning lag is a learning disability. It however, to discuss why experts believe is important that a complete assessment, adopted children are diagnosed with learn- including a physical examination, be ing disabilities at a higher rate than non- obtained to get an accurate diagnosis. adopted children, in order to help you help your child if he is so diagnosed. Poor school performance certainly is not always due to a learning disability. First, it is One theory explaining why adopted normal for children to have a bad day once children are diagnosed with more learn- in a while. Second, there could be many ing disabilities is the genetic component, reasons for poor school performance. Maybe that is, people who choose adoption for your child needs glasses and is not able to their children or whose parental rights are see the blackboard. Perhaps he is worrying terminated may themselves have learn- about an adoption issue or a personal or ing problems. Another contributing factor family problem. In this case, psychotherapy may be the prenatal environment of the with an adoption-knowledgeable therapist child. If a child’s birthmother did not have may help to resolve it in his mind so he adequate nutrition, or if she drank alcohol, can settle down to learn. Or your child took drugs, or smoked cigarettes during her

may have a true attention deficit disorder Remember that just because your child was that can be treated with medication and adopted it does not mean that he will have helped with some extra structure that a problems at school. And if your child does knowledgeable teacher provides. Your child have learning problems, they may have may be able to stay in a regular classroom nothing to do with his being adopted. In but in a lower grade. “Special ed” is not either case, it helps to be informed and always needed. ready to act if problems do arise. As parents, adoptive or biological, you also have to be realistic. Your child’s intellectual Increasing the ability may simply not be at the level you expected. You may need to learn to accept Adoption Sensitivity your child as he is, and not expect a level of School Personnel of school performance that is unachievable. The most any parent can expect is for his/ her child to perform at the highest level of There are several ways that you can work to which he is capable. increase the sensitivity of school personnel to adoption issues. Maybe you will not be If your child does not qualify for special able to accomplish all of these, but hope- educational services, you may still want fully you can achieve some. him placed in the setting most conducive to meeting his needs. The best setting may Encourage principals, counselors, and teach- be a smaller class, a class where the teacher ers to use positive adoption language. To is more knowledgeable about your child’s use it, they have to know it. Photocopy the particular needs, or a different school. A information sheet on page 8 of this fact- tutor may need to be involved, or a speech sheet and give it to as many school person- therapist, or a combination of helpers. The nel as you can. most important thing is to get everyone Donate a book about adoption to your involved to work together to help the child school’s library. If your child was adopted succeed. from another country, donate a book about Your job as a conscientious parent is to the culture of that country. Round up other know your child well enough to get a real- adoptive parents of children from other istic picture of his potential, interests, and countries and have them do the same. motivation for performing in school. You Suggest other adoption-related titles for are the one most able to note patterns and the school’s librarian to include in the next changes in your child’s behavior. Then it is order of new books. Bibliographies on books your responsibility to communicate with about adoption for children of different ages the school if you think some type of inter- are available from Information Gateway and vention may be necessary. Consult experts. a number of other national adoption orga- Consult other parents. Ultimately, however, nizations. The National Adoption Center in you must rely on your own instincts as to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania; Adoptive Fami- what is best for your child. lies of America in St. Paul, Minnesota, and

the North American Council on Adoptable are prepared to help you by disseminating Children in St. Paul, Minnesota, are just a information on adoption to your school few organizations that can provide this kind system upon request. Feel free to use all of of help. us to help educate your child’s educators. Make a presentation about adoption to your child’s class or to teachers at a faculty meeting, but think carefully about the mes- Using Positive sages you want to get across. Perhaps you Adoption Language will want to work in tandem with an experienced adoption worker from a local agency. If the principal wants to know why a pre- The words we choose say a lot about how sentation on adoption is relevant when only we really think. Using positive adoption a few children in the school are adopted, language (PAL) means choosing words that point out the similarities between adoption show respect for birthparents, adoptive issues and many other kinds of loss issues parents, and adoptees. When we use PAL, that children experience. we say that adoption is a valid way to form a family, just as birth is. Both are important, Provide school personnel with information but one is not better than the other. about adoption conferences being held in your community that are open to the When Describing Family public. Or plan your own! Carol Dolber Relationships McMurray, a consultant in Richmond, Virginia (see “Resources” below), was able to Use terms such as: develop a full-day workshop about adoption “birthparent,” “birthmother,” and “birthfa- for a Virginia school system’s staff develop- ther” to describe the man and woman who ment department that educated school conceived and gave birth to the child. All of personnel system-wide. She then developed us have birthparents, however, not all of us a similar course for college students pursu- live in their custody. ing a degree in education. Imagine what an impact that is making! “parent,” “mother,” “father,” “mommy,” “daddy,” and “child” to describe the Some schools already have support groups members of the adoptive family. It is not for children whose parents are divorced. necessary to say “adopted child” or “adop- Suggest the formation of a support group for tive parent” unless the situation specifically adopted children and a person to facilitate it. centers on adoption. Volunteer for the family life education Avoid terms such as: curriculum review committee. Make sure that positive adoption messages get into “real parent,” “real mother,” “real father,” the curriculum. and “real family”—these terms imply that adoptive relationships are artificial and The staff members at Information Gateway temporary. and other national adoption organizations

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“natural parent,” “natural child,” and “one “keep her child”—this implies the child is a of your own”—these terms imply that possession and ignores the responsibilities because they are not blood-related, the of parenting. relationships in an adoptive family are not as strong or lasting as relationships by birth.

When Describing the For more information on PAL, contact Adoptive Families of America, 2309 Adoption Process Como Avenue, St. Paul, MN 55108, Use terms such as: 612.535.4829 or 800.372.3300; or Patricia Irwin Johnston at Perspectives “make an adoption plan” or “choose adop- Press, P.O. Box 90318, Indianapolis, tion”—these terms acknowledge that the IN 46290- 0318, 317.872.3055. Ms. birthparents were responsible and in control Johnston also has a free article about of their decision. programs that use “adopt” in the title “parent her child”—when a birthparent (such as “adopt a whale” or “adopt a decides not to choose adoption. highway”) called “Adopt-A-Confusion.” Avoid terms such as: “abandoned,” “surrendered,” “released,” “relinquished,” “gave up for adoption,” Written by Debra G. Smith, National Adoption “adopted out,” or “put up for adoption.” Information Clearinghouse, 1993.

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