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Home , Bamba (snack), Bissli, Klik (candy)

To Nosh, or Nosh-a-Nosh

BY MICHAEL C. DUKE Kosher junk food review with ALYSSA CAMPBELL

uch to the chagrin of my wife, Naomi, a sizeable portion of what I eat tends to be pure garbage – processed junk food that has little-to-no nutritional value. If it’s not out of a single-serving cellophane bag, wrapped in foil or shrink-wrapped, caked with , M and/or , chances are I have no use for it. And, worst of all, I’ve apparently passed down these terrible eating habits to our 13-year-old daughter, Alyssa. True, it’s ridiculous, and admittedly questionable parenting, but at least our junk food consumption consists of items that are kosher-certi- fied (this makes it a mitzvah, right?). So, rather than be ashamed of ourselves, Alyssa and I thought it a good idea to share our expertise, and review some of our favorite, and not-so-favorite, kosher junk food .

Kitov’s “corn pops” (parve) Bloom’s “huggy bears” (parve) AC: Yuuummmmy! Looks sort of like Sty- AC: Good and crunchy. Definitely go for rofoam , and has a salty, mild corny the chocolate chip variety – they have more taste. They just melt in your mouth. Easy to eat character. your way through an entire bag in a matter of minutes. Bloom’s “Bloom-eos” (parve) Frito Lay’s “Cracker Jack” (dairy) MD: A good little sand- MD: That’s right, Cracker Jacks are kosher. wich, with just the right For nostalgia, must buy this product in its ratio of cookie to filling. traditional boxed packaging. Great tasting, And no strange aftertaste -lathered popcorn, with just the right often found with other Oreo balance of peanuts. Cracker Jacks are a staple look-a-likes. – I’ll eat between two and four boxes a day. Seri- ously. ’s “ smokey flavor” (parve) AC: Interestingly shaped tubers. Kind Zam-Zam’s “cola soda straws” of hard. This was my first time to try them (parve) and “Oh, gross” was my initial reaction. I AC: Tastes just like Coke. These had to stand up to keep chewing. And then are encrusted with sugar, which I gagged. is good. They’re a bit tough, sort of the beef jerky of the candy world. Osem’s “Bissli flavor” (parve) MD: Window-boxed shaped, kind of ’s “cornflakes” (dairy) strange. A lot of effort goes into shape, AC: These are THE BEST! They’re choco- and less into taste. Smells like “smokey” late-covered cornflakes, so they’re great for flavor and tastes pretty much the same. breakfast. Easy to eat your way through sev- They should mix the two flavors and eral bags in a day. call them“smokey pizza.”

Paskesz’ “coated fingers” (parve) Osem’s “Bissli flavor” (parve) MD: Don’t let the lack of effort in the name MD: By far my favorite Bissli creation. dissuade you – these little Worm in shape, which isn’t so appetizing, guys are delicious. Chocolate and probably an 8 on Mohs hardness scale. on the outside, orange and And yet, they taste darn good. Perfect for crème wafer in the middle falafelholics, like myself. – excellent combination.

22 | Jewish Herald-Voice | VOICES In Houston | Fall 2007 Osem’s “Bissli flavor” (parve) Osem’s “Ballies pizza flavor” (parve) MD: Cat food in color, smell and taste MD: Unappetizing smell, to be sure. – and yes, sadly, I have eaten cat food be- Weird mini cake shape. Tastes very fore (after losing a bet to my daughter). Not -pastie – I suppose that’s what sure where the “taco” is. Even still, they’re fake pizza should taste like? Certainly not not that bad. a favorite. Oh, and there are bizarre little hip-hop cartoon characters on the bag, with ridiculous personality profiles on the Man’s “chocolate wafers” back. Pretty annoying. (parve) AC: These are decent, though the chocolate filling is extremely Osem’s “Ballies BBQ flavor” rich and a bit over-powering. (parve) Good, but not my thing. Also avail- AC: Just as bad as the “pizza” flavor. able in “citrus” variety. These are nasty, that simple!

Osem’s “ ” (parve) MD: An oldie and definitely a goodie. Klik’s “half gourmet truffles” Ignore the fecal-brown color. Chock full of white and milk cream vari- peanutie-goodness. Two bags usually eties (dairy) aren’t enough. Oh, and the package AC: These are awesome – both says they contain vitamins – that’s the white chocolate and milk good, right?! chocolate! Rich and creamy goodness. Don’t eat too many at one time though; makes your Paskesz’ “chocolate chip teeth hurt after a while. sandwiches” (parve) MD: A new item to me. Sur- prised by the coconut in the filling, which is tasty, but a bit Snack Delite’s “marshmal- gritty in texture. Must be the low bars” (parve; peanut-free) sodium metabisulfite. AC: Yummy and buttery. Texture and taste just like Rice Crispy Bars – but betta’ ‘cause they’re kosha’! Kitov’s “cheese curls” (parve) MD: An extreme disjuncture between smell and taste. These truly do smell Elite’s “chocolate n’ popping horrible, not unlike feet. However, they rocks” (dairy) taste not so bad. Expect staleness (part AC: A little bizarre at first, but pret- of their charm) and a lactose-free ched- ty wonderful by the second or dar cheese flavoring, and you won’t be third bites. I’m not sure if you disappointed. can get these in Houston, so be sure to ask friends and family who’re coming back from Klik’s “vanilla ’n fudge” (dairy) to stock you up. Get ‘em cheap, AC: Chocolate- and vanilla-covered duty-free. Kix-type cereal, I think. Definitely a sta- ple. And, like the rest of the Kliks family, they’re best if kept in the refrigerator. Dr. Brown’s “cream soda” (parve) AC: Gotta wash all this down with some- thing good. Dr. Brown’s definitely is the way Kitov’s “taco flavored tortilla chips” to go. A sugary, thirst quencher – who could (parve) ask for more? MD: These really do smell terrible – like some back alley in Tijuana – however, they taste surprisingly good. Typical of some Tom’s of Maine “orange-” tooth- Kitov’s products, these can be stale right out paste of the bag, which only adds to the overall MD: Eating all this garbage, be experience. sure to brush often. This toothpaste is great – all-natural and tastes like candy, which is very important. ❃

Jewish Herald-Voice | VOICES In Houston | Fall 2007 | 23