Best Man
By
Michael DeNoia, AJ Nowack, and Dean O’Donnell
Cast of Characters
Lindsey Lucier
Fred Cassellius
Joel Sutherland
EJ Massa
(Scene: an apartment)
FRED and EJ sit watching TV. Periodic nature sounds, birds cawing, etc. The announcer has a vaguely Australian, very proper voice.
JOEL (in TV announcer voice)
Observe the African elephant as it seeks its prey beside the waterhole…
EJ
I thought elephants only ate leaves?
FRED
Elephants are omnivores. They eat everything. Elephants eat peanuts. Dumbo ate peanuts.
EJ
Dumbo also flew. Do you think this elephant can fly?
JOEL (in TV announcer voice)
The fiercely territorial female elephant chases the baboons away from the watering hole. They will not drink this day.
EJ
My god ‐ Look at the ass on that.
FRED
The elephant or the baboon?
EJ
The baboon – it’s furry and purple.
FRED
Yeah, but the elephant’s ass is chapped and wrinkled. And it’s HUGE.
EJ
But the baboon’s ass reaches out and grabs you by the throat. Its in three dimensions. It says, “Oh my fucking god look at this ass.”
FRED But the elephants ass… its like one day there was light, and then this ass came along and blotted out the sun. And then there was ONLY elephant ass.
EJ
You know who has an ugly ass?
FRED
You?
EJ
Well yeah, and you… and every guy ever.
FRED
Brad Pitt has a nice ass. (pause) I hear.
EJ
I was wondering whose ass was on your desktop.
FRED
Its not an ass, it’s a… daisy.
EJ
Its an ass.
FRED
It’s art.
JOEL (in TV announcer voice)
Now that the area is clear, the mother scouts for other threats.
LINDSEY enters.
JOEL (in TV announcer voice, continued)
Seeing none, she beckons her young to the hole.
EJ
That’s what she said.
EJ and FRED laugh, LINDSEY looks up at TV. LINDSEY
Oh my god, look at that ass!
FRED (to EJ)
Outnumbered, overruled. Elephant ass is worse.
EJ
But she didn’t even see the baboon ass.
LINDSEY
Have you guys seen my keys?
FRED and EJ
No.
LINDSEY
Have either of you moved all day?
FRED
I got up and made coffee between ‘When animals attack’ and ‘The dog whisperer.’
EJ
And I took a dump.
LINDSEY
Can you make yourselves useful? I’m taking Joel to pick up his girlfriend in an hour.
EJ
Why do you have to bring him? Doesn’t your brother have any friends?
LINDSEY
I’m meeting her for the first time. (To FRED) Honey, maybe you’d like to take your brother‐in‐law to the airport instead?
EJ
(also to FRED) He’s not your brother‐in‐law yet.
FRED No, dude… (to LINDSEY) I guess I should. We have some details to settle for the bachelor party.
EJ
That reminds me… I couldn’t get the twins you requested to jump out of the cake.
LINDSEY shoots EJ a look .
LINDSEY
I said no strippers. I’ll take Joel to the airport. (She leaves.)
FRED
Not cool, man.
EJ
It’s a joke. You know how much a giant plastic cake costs these days?
FRED
Not cool. (pause) Really dude, no strippers. Lets just a couple of us get some beers and… talk.
EJ
Jesus Christ, you gotta give me something. You’re a guy. Just be a guy.
FRED
What’s that supposed to mean?
EJ
You won’t let me be in the wedding party. At least let me throw you a decent bachelor party.
FRED
The wedding party? Since when do you care about that?
EJ
Your best man is a guy you barely know.
FRED
It’s what she wanted.
EJ What about what you wanted?
FRED
It doesn’t matter to me. Let her have her dreams. She’s been planning this since she was twelve and played with Barbies in her basement. She wants her brother in the wedding, fine. It doesn’t mean we’re not still friends.
EJ
Whatever, dude.
FRED
Besides, you don’t have to rent a tux.
Enter JOEL.
JOEL
Hey guys. (He sits down on the couch between them) Whatcha watchin?
EJ
Elephant asses. But it’s over.
JOEL
Oh, what’s on next?
EJ
Nothin’. Boring animal shit. (EJ turns off the TV.) Don’t you have somewhere to be?
JOEL
Lindsey’s still looking for her keys, so I thought we’d hang.
EJ
Oh, you wanna hang… okay. So since we’re hanging, I was just wondering…
JOEL
Yeah?
EJ Have you thought about what you’re going to say at the wedding? ‘Cause I’ve heard some terrible toasts. You don’t want to upset your sister. You have to tell a good story. It has to be funny, and just a little embarrassing.
FRED
EJ…
EJ
I’m trying to help the kid. (To JOEL) You have to think of a great story… something to poke fun at Fred. Like that time when that fat girl…
FRED
EJ!
EJ
Oh, right, you weren’t there… How about when we went fishing and we caught that giant sn…
JOEL
I don’t think…
EJ
OOH! Remember in Chinatown when I dared you to eat the sheeps’ testicles out of the jar?
JOEL
I wasn’t ther…
EJ
Oh, that’s right… again, there seems to be a distinct lack of Joel in that story. Where you there when we got stoned at the killers concert?
FRED
I hardly think that’s appropriate for a toast…
EJ
Okay. Joel, why don’t you try it. Hit us with your best story.
JOEL (To FRED) How about yesterday when you ordered cheesecake at the Joshua tree and the waitress brought you chocolate cake?
EJ
And?
JOEL
Well, he doesn’t… like chocolate cake.
(pause)
EJ
That’s the best you got? I ask you for a killer, knock‐me‐out‐of‐my‐seat story about Fred and you give me this riveting chocolate cake story. My god, it should be published in the New York Times. That may be the best story ever.
FRED
EJ, don’t be a dick.
EJ
I’m not trying to be a dick, I’m trying to help Joel make his toast.
JOEL
Well, maybe I won’t make a toast.
EJ
Well, isn’t it tradition? Won’t Lindsey expect you to make a toast? We must do what Lindsey wants.
Enter LINDSEY.
LINDSEY
Lindsey wants the boys to get off their asses and help her find her keys.
EJ
(whispers to FRED) Why is she referring to herself in the third person?
FRED
(whispers) I think she heard what you said.
EJ (whisper) How much do you think she heard? Did I say anything bad?
LINDSEY
Okay, if you won’t help me find my keys, will one of you at least get in the shower so you’re ready for dinner when Joel and I get back from the airport?
FRED
Yeah, monkey ass, go take a shower. You’ve been too long away from the watering hole.
EJ
You think? (sniffs himself) Ahhh, ripe man. Okay, fine.
EJ leaves.
LINDSEY
(to FRED) And don’t forget, you have to drive yourself tonight, and before you come you have to pick up the boutonnieres, and keep them cool, but not so cold that they die, and make sure they don’t get crushed.
FRED
Yeah, honey. Honey?
LINDSEY
What?
FRED
Uh, we were wondering about the best man’s toast.
LINDSEY
The one that Joel is giving? I’m looking forward to it… Joel’s a really funny guy. He’ll do great. (She tousles JOEL’s hair)
FRED
Well, Joel was thinking that maybe… maybe he wouldn’t do one? It’s a lot of pressure...
LINDSEY
(To JOEL) Joel? You have to do this – it’s my wedding. Come on, Binky…
JOEL Well, Lindz…
LINDSEY
What?
JOEL
Lindz…
LINDSEY
WHAT?!?
FRED
He doesn’t know me.
LINDSEY
That’s ridiculous. Of course he knows you, he’s my brother.
FRED
He’s YOUR brother. He’s YOUR best man.
LINDSEY
Honey, we talked about this.
JOEL
I’m going to see if the bathroom is free…
JOEL exits. Pause.
LINDSEY
See that? You hurt his feelings.
FRED
I didn’t hurt his feelings. He knows. He knows that he doesn’t know me. And both of you know that EJ is my best friend.
LINDSEY
So what are you trying to say? That my brother can’t be in my wedding? FRED
It’s my wedding too.
LINDSEY
Yeah, so?
FRED
I can’t even pick my own best man…. And you know, I …. I don’t care about the hors d’oeuvres, I don’t care about the flower arrangements…
LINDSEY
But you said…
FRED
I don’t care about the colors… I don’t even care about the cake. The point of it all, is that the people that we love see that we love each other.
LINDSEY
Well, he’ll be there…
FRED
It’s not the point. Aunt Rita will be there too. And I don’t care where she sits. She’s a crazy old bat.
LINDSEY
She is not.
FRED
I’ve known EJ since we were three. I learned how to ride my bike in his driveway. We launched rockets in my back yard. Hell, I lost my virginity in the back of his mother’s station wagon. He is my best friend. He is my best man, no matter who stands next to us at the alter.
LINDSEY
I thought you were okay with this.
FRED Well, I thought I was.
LINDSEY
This is a really big change at the last minute.
FRED
Well, its not, really…
LINDSEY
You don’t want to marry me.
LINDSEY suddenly breaks down.
FRED
Oh, honey… of course I want to marry you. And I know you want it to be perfect. And that’s why I’m telling you now that it wouldn’t be perfect… it won’t be perfect, with your brother there.
LINDSEY
He’ll be so disappointed.
FRED
No he won’t, honey. He’ll be relieved. He doesn’t want to give a speech.
LINDSEY
I thought you guys wanted this too.
FRED
We were both just trying to make you happy.
LINDSEY
I am happy. I will be happy. I’ve worked so hard…. And it was so much work… I just wish we were married already. I wish this was over.
FRED
It’s only a little bit more. We’ve only got a couple more days… then you’ll have your big day. No, then we’ll have our big day. LINDSEY
You really want EJ?
FRED
Yeah.
LINDSEY
Okay.
They kiss. Enter EJ, drying his hair with a towel.
EJ
Dude, you would not believe…
FRED
EJ? Lindsey and I would like to ask you something, (to LINDSEY) right?
EJ
I swear I put the seat down this time.
LINDSEY
No, not that. But thank you.
FRED
Will you be my best man?
EJ
Does that mean I need to get a tux?
FRED
Afraid so.
EJ
Okay, but only on one condition…
FRED
Name it. EJ
Strippers at the bachelor party.
FRED
(to LINDSEY) Honey?
LINDSEY
One. Topless only. No touching.
EJ
Done.
Enter JOEL with LINDSEY’s keys.
JOEL
Lindz, I found your keys…
LINDSEY
Where were they?
JOEL
On the back of the toilet.
LINDSEY
Thank you. Joel, listen. I’m really sorry, and I hope you’re not disappointed. I tried my best, but Fred wants EJ to be his best man. You’re not going to be in the wedding.
JOEL
Really?
LINDSEY
Yes.
JOEL
Oh thank god. I had the worst anecdote about parsley…
FRED
Don’t worry about it. LINDSEY
Alright, let’s get going. Bye, fellas. Remember dinner’s at 7. And don’t forget…
FRED
The boutonnieres, yes. Not too cold.
LINDSEY and JOEL exit.
EJ
Dude, you grew a pair.
FRED
Nah, I just decided I cared.
EJ
Well thanks. Before I forget…
FRED
Yeah?
EJ
I just wanted to tell you, man… Your future brother‐in‐law, he’s got some boundary issues.
FRED
What do you mean?
EJ
He peed while I was showering. And he peed by… you know…
FRED
I don’t know…
EJ
He didn’t just do his thing, he dropped trou. Maybe we should talk to him about it.
FRED
He’s just a kid. EJ
There was this one thing… and before I say this, you know me, right?
FRED
Of course.
EJ
I’m totally into women. Not a homosexual bone in my body. No pun intended. But that guy has the most amazingly shaped ass I’ve ever seen… on man or woman.
FRED
What?
EJ
And I don’t think this is a subjective opinion. I think that if you lined up ten people, they would come to that consensus.
FRED
Is it better than a baboon’s ass?
EJ
It’s the opposite end of the spectrum. It’s glorious. It’s firm and round, with just a hint of peach fuzz. Angelina Jolie would kill to have his ass.
FRED
Maybe you should get a picture of it for your desktop.
EJ
It is art.
FRED
You are one strange dude.
EJ
But I’m your best strange dude.