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Home , Adultism, Youth

Understanding

A Major Obstacle to Developing Positive - Relationships by John Bell Director of Leadership Development, YouthBuild USA

o be successful in our work with young pe o p l e , we must understand a parti c u l a r If you think about it, you Tcondition of youth: that young people ar e often mistreated and disrespected simply will realize that except for because they are young. The word adultism prisoners and a few other refers to behaviors and attitudes based on the assumption that are better than institutionalized groups, young people, and entitled to act upon young people are more young people without their agreement. controlled than any other This mistreatment is reinforced by social institutions, , customs, and attitudes. group in society. If you think about it, you will realize that except for prisoners and a few other institu- The Heart of It tionalized groups, young people are more controlled than any other group in society. The essence of adultism is disrespect of Most young people are told what to eat, the young. In our society, for the most part, what to wear, when to go to bed, when they young people are considered less important can talk, that they will go to , which than and inferior to adults. They are not taken friends are okay, and when they are to be se r iously and not included as decision makers in the house. The opinions of most young in the broader life of their communities. people are not valued; they are punished at Because of the enormous importance of the will or whim of adults; their adults in the lives of almost every young are considered “immature.” person, it is difficult to get a handle on what it is I am calling “adultist.” In addition, adults reserve the right to punish, threaten, hit, take away “privileges,” Not everything the adult world does in and ostracize young people when such relation to young people is adultist. It is actions are deemed to be instrumental in ce r tainly true that children and young people controlling or disciplining them. need love, guidance, rul e s , discipline, teaching, role modeling, nurturance, protection. If this were a description of the way a Childhood and are a steady group of adults were treated, we would series of developmental stages, each of all agree that their was almost which has a different set of needs, issues, total. But, for the most part, the adult world and difficulties. For example, a three-year- considers this treatment of young people old needs a different amount of sleep than acceptable because we were treated in much a 15-year-old; physical restraint, which the same way, and internalized the idea that might be appropriate for a seven-year-old, “th a t ’s the way you treat kids.” For this rea s o n is inappropriate for an 18-year-old; and we need to hold adultism up to a strong light. how you explain conception and birth to an (continues)

YouthBuild USA, 58 Day Street, PO Box 440322, Somerville, MA 02144 • tel: 617-623-9900 • fax: 617-623-4331 1 inquisitive toddler will be quite different realities. They each have a huge body of from how you explain these to a sexually literature and research documenting the active teenager. effects and history of the oppression. There The identification of adultism is further are novels, movies, media presentations, complicated by differing cultural, ethnic, political orga n i z a t i o n s , and social movem e n t s gender, class, or religious approaches to devoted to illuminating or eliminating the these developmental stages. For example, existence of the oppression. what is considered weak in one gender may The concept of adultism, the systematic be considered strong in another; belching mistreatment and disrespect of young pe o - may be considered rude in one and pl e , is rel a t i v ely new and has not been widely an expression of appreciation in another; accepted. Th e r e is certainly much res e a rc h and childhood sex may be condoned in and literature on children and youth, but one culture and condemned in another. very little that concludes that young people The point is that no one act or policy or are an oppressed group in our society, with custom or belief is in itself necessarily adul- parallels to other such groups. Part of my tist. Something can be labeled adultist if it effort in this article is to draw forth enough involves a consistent pattern of disrespect examples, primarily from the United States, and mistreatment that has any or all of the to point to the reality of adultism. following effects on young people: Common Statements • undermined self-confidence Consider how the following comments and self-esteem; are essentially disrespectful. What are the • an increasing sense of worthlessness; assumptions behind each of them? Do you • an increasing feeling of powerlessness; remember having heard any of these as a • a consistent experience of not being younger person? taken seriously; •“You’re so smart for fifteen!” • a diminishing ability to function well •“When are you going to grow up?” in the world; •“Don’t touch that, you’ll break it!” • increasing destructive acting out; •“As long as you are in my house, you’ll • increasing self-destructive acting "in" do it!” (getting sick frequently, developing •“You’re being childish.” conditions, attempting , • “You ’re so stupid (or clumsy, inconsiderat e , depression, etc.); etc.)!” • feeling unloved or unwanted. • “Go to your room!” Certainly these serious conditions do not •“Don’t ever yell at your like that!” entirely stem from adultism. Other factors (yelling) like , , , physical or • “She doesn’t understand anything.” mental , and so on, may also con- (about a baby) tribute to these results. But receiving sys- tematic disrespect and mistreatment over •“You are too old for that!” or “You’re not years simply because one is young is a major old enough!” source of trouble. • “Oh, it’s only puppy love.” •“What do you know? You haven’t The Need for a Case for experienced anything!” the Existence of Adultism • “It’s just a stage.You’ll outgrow it.” Other “isms” like racism and sexism are well established and accepted by most as (continues)

2 YouthBuild USA, 58 Day Street, PO Box 440322, Somerville, MA 02144 • tel: 617-623-9900 • fax: 617-623-4331 Common Occurrences people as worthy of adult respect, let alone There are numerous examples of disre- on a par with the quality of adult thinking. spect toward young people. Yet young people are expected to listen to adults all the time. Physical and Community Incidents Of course, there is the obvious oppressive treatment: physical and sexual abuse of Adolescent young people are frequently young people. And while our society has followed by security guards in stores, passed laws against and publicly abhors such abuse, over by clerks who serve adults in line behind it is nonetheless extremely widespread. them, chased from parks or gathering places [reference some facts] for no good reason by , assumed by passing adults to be “up to no good.” The Other Punishment and Threats media often promote negative images and There is also a range of nonphysical of them, especially of urban punishments or threats: being routinely youth and black youth. criticized, yelled at, invalidated, insulted, School Examples intimidated, made to feel guilty (which undermines a ’s self-respect), arbitrarily In , are subject to incred i b l e or unfairly “gro u n d e d , ” or denied “pri v i l e g e s .” co n t r ol: hall passes, detention, suspension, If young people protest against their mis- expulsion, and other penalties are used to treatment, they are often subjected to more maintain control. Any community certa i n l y punishment. needs rules to live by, but the rules in most school communities are imposed on you n g Denied Control people and enforced by the adult staff. Young people are denied control and Consider these examples: often even influence over most of the deci- sions that affect their bodies, their physical •Teachers sometimes yell at students with space, and their possessions. For example, impunity, but students are disciplined if most adults seem to think they can pick up they yell back at teachers. little children, kiss them, pull their cheeks, •Young people are sometimes punished or touch their hair without asking or without unfairly because adults feel frustrated. its being mutual. Adults can often be seen •Students are forced to accept their grades, grabbing things out of children’s hands which, over time, cause students to even- without asking. tually internalize a life-long view of them- Verbal Interactions selves as “smart,”“average,” or “dumb” — with profound impact on their lives. Most young people know that in a dis- However, students do not get to officially agreement with an adult, their word will not grade teachers. If a receives an F, be taken over the adult’s. Most adults talk it is assumed the student failed, not down to children, as if children could not the teacher. understand them. Adults often talk about a young person with the young person present •Young people have no real power over the as if he or she were not there. Many young important decisions that affect their lives people are ordered to do things or given in school. rules with no explanation. Adults, in general, Societal Adultism do not really listen to young people, do not Laws take the concerns of a young person as seri- ously as they would an adult’s, and have a There is a different set of laws for young hard time hearing the thinking of young people. They do not have the same as adults. Of course, some laws specifically (continues)

YouthBuild USA, 58 Day Street, PO Box 440322, Somerville, MA 02144 • tel: 617-623-9900 • fax: 617-623-4331 3 protect young people from mistreatment, • From the moment of birth until well into but other laws unduly restrict the life and the toddler stage, spend most of freedom of young people. In divorce cases, their time strapped skin to skin next to for example, until a recent landmark custody their . From this vantage point the case, young people were not even permitted infants intimately experience the rhythms to have a voice in deciding which parent, if of body movement and speech, the cues either, they wish to live with. in the environment that their mothers pay Child Development Literature attention to, and constant tactile closeness. and Education • When not being carried, infants and tod- An institutional example of adultism can dlers were given loving massages for long be found in the literature of child develop- periods every day by their mothers and ment, which is full of misinformation and other women in the community. unfounded claims about young people that Researchers concluded that the co m b i n a - severely underestimates young people’s tion of these two practices stimulate complex capabilities. For example, in The Magic Years neurological, motor, and hormonal systems by Selma Freiberg, a classic textbook used by of the infants to bring about sitting, walking, many students of child development, the and talking at a speed far exceeding that author states that the only reason an considered “normal” in the West. The mere before six months of age cries is that he or existence of such huge differences in the rate she is experiencing physical pain. An infant of development raises large questions about has no emotional pain before this age, she our assumptions about what is normal. says, because “an infant’s intelligence has (The flip side of the Ugandan example is not yet developed the cognitive apparatus that at age five, after this extremely intimate which gives rise to emotional responses.” early childhood experience, the children go Many paren t s , including myself, in observi n g through a rite of passage that includes being their own infants closely, know that this is sent alone into the forest for several days, not true.Yet young child-development then being forced to leave their mother’s professionals, often without children, are home and sent to live with another relative. taught a distorted view of infant functioning This shock appears to arrest the earlier rapid as if it were gospel. development.) The Effect of Cultural Practices: An Example General Adult Attitudes Generations of young people in western Many of us have heard older people say culture have grown up with their develop- to us or other young people something ment limited by vast cultural that like, “Growing up is giving up.You’d better consistently underestimate human potential get used to it.” It is the accumulation of or misunderstand human development. As disappointments, losses, smashed dreams, an example that challenges conventional unaccepted love, and other such painful norms, in certain Ugandan recently experiences that leads adults to say things studied (cited in Crack in the Cosmic Egg, like that. But this crippling attitude is by Joseph Chilton Pierce), children reach gradually forced upon young people. the milestones of sitting, walking, and talking twice as quickly as children in the Institutional Examples United States. Researchers hypothesized Young people in this are forced to two reasons for such seemingly accelerated go to school for 12 years, whether school is development: an effective learning environment for them or not. They are forced by and by paren t s (with the exception of those who exercise (continues)

4 YouthBuild USA, 58 Day Street, PO Box 440322, Somerville, MA 02144 • tel: 617-623-9900 • fax: 617-623-4331 the demanding option of home schooling). context. Most of the examples I use have been If their spirit, energy, or learning style does rep o r ted to me by young people. They consis- not dovetail with the prevailing teacher, tently rep o r t that the main message they get school, or educational philosophy, they may fr om the adult world is that they are not as “fail,” be labelled “special needs students,” im p o r tant as adults; that they are not taken be tracked into less challenging programs, se ri o u s l y ; that they have little or no power . or eventually drop out of school. And They say that the emotional legacy of throughout the 12 years, students have no years of this kind of treatment is a heavy voi c e , no power , no decision-making aven u e s load, which can include any or all of the to make significant changes. A critique of following: anger, feelings of powerlessness, our educational system is beyond the scope in s e c u ri t y , depression, lack of self-confidence, of this article. Suffice it to say here that while lack of self-respect, hopelessness, feeling society’s motivation of providing education unloved and unwanted. for all its young people is laudable, the school system as an institution perpetuates adultism. What are some possible results of such Another institutional example is the feelings on their behavior, especially as they absence of socially responsible, productive, get into adolescence and early adulthood? and connected roles for young people in •Some“act out” by , being prone to most societies. Cer tainly in the United Sta t e s , , rebelling against the “norm,” young people find few jobs, no real policy- leaving home early, and so on. making input, no positions of political • Some “act in” by becoming self-destruc t i v e power, and no high expectations of young through, for example, suicide, and people’s contributions to society. drug abuse, or depression. On the other hand, the youth market is • Some gain a sense of belonging or safety by exploited for profit as the manufacturing joining a gang, a clique, a club, or a team. and entertainment industries manipulate •Some isolate themselves, being lonely, not styles, fads, popularity, and all other aspects asking for help, not having any close rela- of mass culture. tionships, and not trusting anyone. A Mirror Again, adultism is not the only source A handy mirror for reflecting what may be of such behaviors, but it surely plays a adultist behavior is to ask oneself questions major role. such as: A Link to Other Forms of Oppression •“Would I treat an adult this way?” There is another important reason for •“Would I talk to an adult in this tone understanding and challenging adultism. of voice?” The various ways we were disrespected and • “Would I grab this out of an adult’s hand?” mistreated have, over time, robbed us of •“Would I make this decision for an adult?” huge amounts of our human power, access •“Would I have this expectation of to our feelings, confidence in our thinking an adult?” and ability to act, and enjoyment of living. •“Would I limit an adult’s behavior The pain we experience as young people this way?” conditions us, as we get older, to accept fur- •“Would I listen to an adult friend’s ther mistreatment — as women, as people problem in this same way?” of color, as workers — or it makes us act in oppressive ways toward others in relatively The Emotional Legacy less powerful positions than ours. I hope this short list of examples begins to A simple illustration might help make this put our work with young people in a large r cl e a r . Picture this: a sixth grader is humiliated (continues)

YouthBuild USA, 58 Day Street, PO Box 440322, Somerville, MA 02144 • tel: 617-623-9900 • fax: 617-623-4331 5 by the teacher in front of the class for not Precisely because every human being has doing the math problem at the board cor- experienced adultism, whatever the degree rectly. The recess bell rings. He is fuming. of severity or cultural variety, and because He feels disrespected. He goes outside and much adultism is considered natural and picks on someone to get his feelings out. normal by most people, it is a pervasive and Whom does he pick on? Someone smaller difficult form of mistreatment to identify, and often someone younger. And so it goes: challenge, and eliminate. the sixth grader picks on the fifth grader. Implications for Our Work With The fifth grader turns and knocks down the third grader. The third grader hits the first Young People grader. The first grader goes home and picks The set of behaviors, attitudes, policies, on his little sister. The little sister turns and and practices that we have labeled “ad u l t i s m ” kicks the cat. get in the way of effective youth-adult part- We can observe among a group of chil- nerships. For those of us who work with dren the mistreatment being passed down them, it is useful to reflect on our interac t i o n s among them. It is being passed down the with young people for signs of unintended line of physical power, bigger to smaller, and disrespect in tone, content, or unspoken often older to younger. assumptions. Those of us who work in youth programs should reexamine the program’s The significance of this early experience practices, policies, and power relationships becomes clearer when it is generalized to with an eye toward adultist abuses, and other forms of the abuse of power. For make adjustments. example, men who were routinely beaten as little boys are more likly to grow up to be A few general guidelines might be helpful wife beaters, according to social research. as we proceed: Similarly, white people, disrespected as • Listen attentively to young people. Listen children, may turn the same attitude, when they talk about their thoughts, expe- embellished with misinformation, on riences, and feelings about being young. people of color. • Ask questions. Ask what they think about This is one of the pervasive and lasting everything. effects of the mistreatment of young people. • Lay back. Curb the inclination to take over . Bullies have been bullied. Abusers have been Sup p o r t the initiatives of young people. abused. People who have been put down put • Validate their thinking. Welcome their ideas. others down. If a person had not been disre- •Be willing for them to make mistakes. spected and mistreated over and over again Putting their ideas into practice will bring as a child and young person, that person mixed results. They will learn. We need would not willingly accept being treated that to learn to support the process of their way as he got older, nor would he willingly taking leadership. heap disrespect on others. • Change the power relationships wherever Adultism, racism, sexism, and other appropriate. Consider when adults can “i s m s ” all rei n f o r ce each other. The parti c u l a r refrain from using authority, from making ways young people are treated or mistreated the final decision, from being the “real are inseparable from their class, gender, power” behind . or ethnic background. However, the •At the same time, do not thrust young phenomena of being disrespected simply people into decision-making and leader- because of being young holds true across ship positions without training, practice, diverse backgrounds. and understanding of their res p o n s i b i l i t i e s .

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6 YouthBuild USA, 58 Day Street, PO Box 440322, Somerville, MA 02144 • tel: 617-623-9900 • fax: 617-623-4331 Otherwise, we set them up for frustration, A sound policy for behavior in our work confusion, possible failure, and humiliation. together must include mutual expections • Always respect all young people, no that apply to all people, regardless of age: matter what their age, and expect them • to treat each other with nothing less than to respect each other, at all ages. This complete respect; is the starting point for reversing the • to think independently and not just react; internalized disrespect. • to act to improve the situation; •Have high expectations of their potentials, • to be trustworthy, honest, and reliable in and positively assess their current abilities. relations with each other; Never sell them short and always be pre- • to think about the well-being of the pared to lend a hand with a difficulty. whole group; • Do not take out your anger about them • to care about each other; on them. They get this from adults all the time. It only adds more hurt. We need to • to struggle against everything that keeps take care of our upsets about them some us divided among ourselves. other way. Envisioning a World Without •Give young people accurate information Adultism about the way the world works, our expe- It has been inspiring and sobering for me riences, relationships and sex, the contri- whenever I have asked young people to butions of young people to humankind, imagine a world in which young people are and other issues that interest them. Never completely respected and never suffer from lie to them. mistreatment because they are young. It is •Be patient with ourselves when we uncon- inspiring because they talk about how edu- sciously slip into our old adultist habits. It cation would be more related to them as will take time to undo them. Always learners, how they would help hire teachers appreciate how well we are doing. and develop curriculum, how they would Good Policy use schools as community centers to provi d e services and opportunities for others, how In our efforts to create solid relationships they would treat their siblings and friends with young people we inevitably come up with much more care, how they would feel against adultism: theirs, ours, or society’s. smart and effective, how they would feel Program staff in youth programs need to part of their community, how they would avoid two extremes. help decide how things got done, how they One is the permissive attitude that says would have numerous open and trusting “anything the young people want is OK.” The relationships with adult members mistreatment of and disrespect for young and others, how they would feel confident people has left them, to varying degrees, and loved, how they would help end conflict with irrational feelings, misinformation, and be t w een racial and cultural grou p s , how they tendencies to act out their hurts. Adult staff would be leaders. It is sobering because must not abdicate their responsibility to present reality is so far from that. provide effective leadership ane good policy. But in our individual relationships with The other extreme is the adult authority young people, and in our programs, we running the show. Adults, likewise, have can help create the conditions where young their share of irrationality, often the legacy of people can develop their vision, practice the adultism visited upon them as youth. decision making, exercise judgment, and The young people need policies that protect grow in leadership. them from this kind of adultist leadership. March 1995

YouthBuild USA, 58 Day Street, PO Box 440322, Somerville, MA 02144 • tel: 617-623-9900 • fax: 617-623-4331 7