longer goes to mikveh. Blu Green berg, a contributing editor of Sh 'ma, in an article excerpted from her Observance despite reservations ' forthcoming book, discusses some of her reasons for Mindy Ganz-Ribner .'

observing T.H., analyzes its differing effects at various ! stages of life, and posits several suggestions for possible ,i refinement of the laws. And, taking a look at this topic I am writing this article from the standpoint of a strictly j: from a somewhat different perspective, Rabbi Laura observant Jewish woman whose family has been i Geller of U.S.C. 's Hillel House gives one Reform observant for generations. As such, I was strongly woman rabbi's thoughts on this subject. influenced and molded by my background and never j, once did I doubt that I, too, would follow in this Difficult to discuss, but we must tradition. It was, therefore, an a priori assumption that j|i Gathering material for this issue brought to my once married I would practice the laws of taharat attention several interesting facts about people's hamishpacha. Knowing this, I do not feel the need to [• feelings towards T.H. First, it became clear that there justify to myself philosophically why I should observe 1 f are about as many views as there are people who are aware of it. Thus, for example, women who observe solely because their husbands insist that they do so are Sh'ma » not represented, and neither are women who have only positive feelings, couples who accept either sexual a journal of Jewish responsibility abstinence or mikveh but not both, or married Editor Eugene B. Borowitz Orthodox women who have never observed. Moreover, Asst. to the Editor Marjorie Yudkin women who have stopped going to mikveh have done Administrator Alicia Seeger so for many reasons; only one is presented here. And, of Fellows Morris Allen, Rebecca Jacobs, Shira Pasternak, i course, men also have unique viewpoints which are not Linda Rosenfeld Shulsky, Shira Stern included. Production CLM Graphics One other category of women not represented deserves Contributing Editors J. DavidBleich, Balfour Brickner, \ special mention: single women who observe. That such Daniel J. Elazar, Blu Greenberg, Paula Hyman, Nora i| women exist is a fact; indeed, a number of them were Levin, David Novak, Dennis Prager, Harold Schulweis, s Henry Schwarzschild, Steven Schwarzschild, Seymour \ asked by an Orthodox rabbi (who counseled them on Siegel, Sharon Strassfeld, Elie Wiesel, Arnold Jacob this matter) to write an article for this issue, and all Wolf, Michael Wyschogrod. j refused even though anonymity was promised. I was told that they felt embarrassed not only that the matter Sh'ma welcomes articles from diverse points of view. was brought up but even that the rabbi remembered Hence articles present only the views of the author, not those who they were and what they discussed with him-an of the editors. We do not correct obvious typos. Donations to Sh'ma, Inc., though particularly welcome during interesting fact in itself, and one ripe for later our annual deficit-reduction campaign, are needed and hence examination. As to all these unrepresented groups we appreciated all year long. They are tax-deductible. hope that the discussion begun here will continue, with Address all correspondence to: Box 567, Port Washington, other views presented and examined. N.Y. 11050. For a change of address, send present mailing I also discovered that the reluctance of single women to label and new address and allow four weeks. Sh'ma is published bi-weekly except June, July and August write was not unique. It was difficult obtaining any by Sh'ma, Inc. Office of publication: 735 Port Washington article revealing personal feelings; many prospective Blvd., Port Washington, N.Y. 11050. Subscription $20.00 for authors said they simply could not do it, although one 2 years in U.S.A. and Canada; $12.00 a year overseas. of them tried hard to do so for many months. In fact, Institutional bulk (10 or more copies to one address) $5.00 even those women who did write said that it was more each per year. Copyright 1980 by Sh'ma, Inc. difficult than they expected to express on paper what Retired or handicapped persons, whose means are restrictive, they wanted to say. Nonetheless, the articles, we think, may now receive Sh'ma at half the regular subscription rate. treat this complex subject honestly, openly and Please write "retired" or "handicapped" on your bill and send sensitively. it with your check for half the regular amount. POSTMASTER: Please forward Form 3579 to Box 567, Port Perhaps, if the Jewish community would be more open Washington, N.Y. 11050. in discussing this topic, some of the difficulty in Second class postage paid at Port Washington, N.Y. expressing feelings about it would dissipate. We hope Publication Number ISSN 0049-0385 this issue will serve that cause. 11/205, January 9, 1981

34 jthcse laws, but rather I do feel the necessity to honestly clearly the emotional letdown I experienced after going j 'confront some troubling questions and emotions. to the mikveh prior to my wedding. Having been taught that the act of immersion would suddenly I must admit that I am ambivalent about these laws. transform my status from tumah to taharah (from ritual For the best part of twenty six years my observance of impurity to ritual purity), I naturally anticipated an .many rituals was and remains a source of great overwhelming surge to occur. Needless to say, I was .1 satisfaction. The gap between the knowledge of the somewhat disappointed and puzzled when it did not stated religious ideal and my capacity to reach that ideal happen. The full implications of this metamorphosis ! seldom caused intellectual discomfort. For the first escaped me at the time. From a more rational • time, however, I am faced with a ritual whose standpoint, the whole process struck me as being , observance leaves me simultaneously disturbed and somewhat enigmatic and magical. After spending the j, uplifted. In this case, the reconciliation between my previous eleven years in a state of perpetual niddus j; awareness of the stated ideal and my capacity to reach (that of a menstruating woman), within a half hour that , that ideal requires a much greater effort. state was altered, merely by bathing thoroughly, i Since these laws revolve around regulating our sexual followed by a ritual immersion. Somehow the process 1 desires and behavior, which in today's society probably did not seem to be commensurate with the change it • seems quite anachronistic to some and unnecessary to produced. others, the "reaching" becomes all the more difficult. Observance also has immediate benefits ! Living in a culture where we are constantly bombarded 1 by blatant and subtle sexual references in Yet in all honesty, I must admit that there is something , advertisements, movies, clothing, etc. and where liberal quite gratifying both sensually and spiritually in the sexual mores seem to be the norm, the notion of a performance of this mitzvah (i.e. mikveh). When all is i husband and wife having to discipline their sexual said and done, I appreciate the time I must take to ! i desires is bothersome, to say the least. In addition, ready myself for the mikveh. There are few moments in I learning to control one's sexual behavior, especially on the course of my daily routine when I truly feel like a i a two week on-two week off cyclical basis puts an woman, unrelated to my household and mothering "unnatural" emotional and physical stress on a duties. The one time when I do experience this is when marriage. For example, both my husband and I have I prepare for and immerse in the mikveh. After all, ! discovered that the tense moments and the infrequent what better way to become aware of my femininity than • quarrels seem to occur when I am a niddah and we are by preoccupying myself with the cleansing, both deprived of the comfort of physical contact. physically and spiritually, of my body, which in this case is necessary because I am a woman? 4 Feelings of disappointment and emptiness In spite of my inability to reach any lofty spiritual y I use the word' 'unnatural'' to describe a situation that heights, I nevertheless have experienced, over the years, J poses a disturbing conflict for me. On one hand, as an a gradual change in attitude. That my husband and I j observant Jew, I accept quite readily the Divine wisdom are able to handle the responsibility of preserving a ! implicit in each commandment; If God mandated it, it certain stability within our marriage, due in large pan • was with good reason. On the other hand, if God's to our observance of the laws of taharat hamishpacha, understanding of human nature is so far superior to irrespective of the discomfort involved, never ceases i ours why then do the laws of taharat hamishpacha seem to satisfy us. In a much broader sense, I know that I am i to run counter to my basic biological urges? In that part of a continuing tradition; women for thousands of context, these laws are ' 'unnatural.'' To observe them years have been performing the same mitzvah. It is no . requires that my husband luid I completely schedule small wonder then, that I feel a strong sense of kinship i,< our desires and needs into a set time period and then with my great grandmother and other Jewish women I j. suppress those same needs and desires in the have never known due simply to our common subsequent time period. performance of this unique mitzvah. The termination of the niddah state occurs after seven In the four years we've been married, neither my i full days have elapsed from the cessation of a woman's husband nor I have found this set of laws easy on our i menstrual flow and culminates with the woman libidos or nerves. Neither of us feel, however, that that '. immersing herself in a ritual bath or mikveh. The is any reason to cease their observance. Couples we j j performance of the ritual often evokes in me a certain know, happily married for thirty years or more have |' feeling of disappointment and emptiness at my failure attributed the success of their marriages to the constant [', to achieve any spiritual''high.'' I remember quite discipline exacted by the laws of taharat hamishpacha.

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! While I am still too young and am married too few to see to it that my husband studied and learned to years to pass such judgment, I can only hope that in understand and love the mitzvot. I resented the thirty years time I, too, will honestly say the same. implication that our blissful state would not endure. Still, his skillful talk had an impact, and we both inwardly resolved to live up to the high ideals he described. When the mitzvah lost its meaning The personal history of a mikveh-goer The first time I went to the mikveh was kind of exciting The day I was asked to write an article on the practice of and strange. The building was dim and quiet, a world mikveh happened to be my twentieth wedding shut off from modern life. I don't recall seeing anyone anniversary. It was also approximately 13 years since I other than the "mikveh lady'' who discreedy had last entered a mikveh. Thus, there were plenty of ' 'examined" me after my shower and shampoo and memories to sort through in reflecting on my plucked off imaginary loose hairs in preparation for the experience and why I stopped observing this ritual. bath. I repeated the blessing after her, free floated, and The circumstance of being raised in an Orthodox when pronounced ' 'finished" thought the whole European family is no guarantee of growing up an experience was amusing and slightly overrated. observant Jew. My older sister cared little for the For a time my husband went along with the traditions, traditions and let them slip by one by one. I on the participating in Shabbat, learning the simple blessings, other hand, had always been inclined to take Shabbat and refraining from eating meat out. However, the and Kashrut very seriously, and therefore more or less mikveh routine got short shrift almost from the start. automatically accepted the idea that I would go to the My ardent groom rebelled from the denial of his mikveh before my marriage. I remember discussing it instincts and his moods ranged from impatient to with my mother in a rather oblique fashion when we angry. Although part of me believed that the discipline were making wedding plans (such matters were never was good for my marriage, on the other hand I seriously discussed openly in my home). "Isn't it awfully hard to questioned this regular source of conflict and tension. stay separated for so long every month?" I asked, and I remember her saying -' 'Daddy always hated it." The The problem disappeared when I became pregnant idea of my father, the strictest and most devout Jew I after a few months, and by the time it occurred again, could ever imagine, hating any mitzvah seemed perhaps the urgency was no longer there. At that time unbelievable to me. In truth, the whole notion the mikveh was not far from our West Side apartment, embarrassed me and I was glad to change the subject. and though my enthusiasm had lessened, my commitment was firm. I even troubled to go to a lake or The standard "pre-nuptial" meeting with Rabbi pool when we were on summer vacation. Jacobowitz, who was to perform the ceremony, still stands out in my mind. Neither my fiancee nor I were I stopped going to the mikveh after our third child was members of this rabbi's congregation and we were both born. It was not a sudden or impulsive decision, rather apprehensive about this talk. We dutifully explained a gradual weakening of resolve. I began to find excuses about our family backgrounds - mine "religious," his to skip going when my husband was away on a business completely non-observant. In retrospect, we were both trip, or when we were out of the country on vacation, or as naive and idealistic as only a young couple in love when it was difficult to find a baby sitter. When we could be in those days. We were totally unrealistic when moved to the suburbs it became an outright chore. The it came to delving into our expectations for each other nearest mikveh was unfamiliar and less tranquil than and for our future relationship as a couple. Instead of the one I had become accustomed to, neither were the dealing with serious issues, we just ignored them, facilities as modern and well cared for. assuming that' 'things would work themselves out.'' Sadly, over the years the changes that the Rabbi had The rabbi, however, minced no words about the predicted had come over our relationship. The added importance of' 'family purity'', not only for our future obligations of house and children and discord with happiness but for the assurance of succeeding difficult in-laws caused increasing pressure. I no longer generations. Furthermore, he asked to speak to me had the determination to argue about the validity of a alone, and I felt further intimidated by his serious ritual I hardly believed in anymore. emphasis on the great responsibility I was taking on. "At first he'll do everything you ask out of love for you, Finally, and perhaps most important of all, I had but later on that won't be enough," he said, urging me decided not to have any more children. In my mind,

36 the practice of mikveh was bound up with having interpersonal relationship, in fact, a whole range of children, and now that our family was not to increase, functions appropriate to the ebb and flow of 'ife in its the ritual seemed meaningless. many stages of growth. How do I feel about mikveh today? Possibly, there is a Role of niddah in adult life-cycle twinge of regret for a time of innocence and idealism Some examples: In early marriage, when passion and that evaporated over the years. Did I actually experience romance dominate, niddah allows and encourages a a special, private feeling of "renewal" in my marriage man and woman to develop other techniques of each month, or am I exaggerating a rosy picture of' 'the communication. Not every peak emotion may be good old days?'' Perhaps those young women who still expressed through sex; nor can every newly married spat observe the practice of mikveh are preserving an be settled in bed. One also learns quickly that sex outdated and mystical ritual. But perhaps they still cannot be used as a reward or punishment. If sex is retain a secret quality of fulfillment in their lives... being regulated by a force 'out there', it becomes less a matter of one or the other panner controlling or manipulating. Integrating mikveh and modernity In the second stage-young children, tired mothers, over-extended, upwardly mobile fathers with well Blu Greenberg documented discrepancies between male and female sex drives-niddah is an arbitrarily imposed refresher period. At the very least, it's less of a rejection than the Why do I observe niddah and go to the mikveh? It old "I have a headache" routine. While sex is not, of would be less than honest of me to say anything other course, out of favor during these young family years, than I do so because I am commanded; because it is a statistics do show that it is a period of less frequency and mitzvah de 'oraita. Were I not so commanded by Jewish less energy. Thus, shrinking the period of availability law, the primary values that guide my life, I surely reduces the likelihood of "You're never in the mood would not have invented such a rigorous routine. The when I am" recriminations. flesh is weak and no lofty scheme imaginable could have made me tough enough to observe niddah. All of Moreover, by regulating the off-times it rather directly this is true for my husband as well, for neither of us synchronizes the on-times. While no law can exactly could adhere unilaterally; such observance of niddah in program desire, there is probably a better chance of the a marriage would be reduced to a contest each month meshing of expectations amongst couples who observe without this mutual understanding and acceptance of niddah. I would guess that middle-aged, long married balacha. couples who observe niddah have more sex than their counterparts who do not observe. All of this ought not But wait! There is a certain sweetness for me derived be confused with the widespread problem of precisely from that sense of mitzvah. As I go about my routinization of sex. Purity-of-the-family marriage business at the mikveh, I often savor that feeling that I manuals notwithstanding, observance of niddah am doing exactly what Jewish women have done for 20 constitutes neither a routinization of sex nor a cure for or 30 centuries; not only a matter of keeping the chain that condition. In fact, although tradition has legislated going but also one of self-definition: that is how they sex as an obligation on the night of t'vilah, defined themselves as Jewish women and as pan of the approximately two-thirds of the women I interviewed community; that is how 1 define myself. While we indicated this was not practiced. really don't know how karet (punishment by cutting off the soul from one's people) manifests itself, I often feel In the third stage, as a woman approaches menopause, my reward for observing cenain mitzvot is the opposite niddah and mikveh bring to her a monthly appreciation of karet-a merging of my soul with the eternal soul of of her continuing ability to be fenile. I wonder whether the Jewish people. However vague my understanding, a woman who has observed mikveh all her life feels a however feeble my attempts at its articulation, this heightened sense of loss at menopause... emotional pay-off for me is very real. Finally, and in all of these stages, niddah generates a Acceptance of the mitzvah, then, is the base; the different sense of self for a woman, a feeling of self attendant sensations of 'community', 'Jewish autonomy, of being her own person. Some women can womanhood', and 'chain of tradition' are the generate these feelings out of their own ego strength ; embellishment}. There is, however, more to it than for those to whom it is not innate or instinctive, niddah that. I also fed that niddah serves a function in an is a catalyst to this consciousness.

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