Halachic Positions What Judaism Really Says About Passion in the Marital Bed
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SEXUALITY AND JEWISH LAW IN SEARCH OF A BALANCED APPROACH IN TORAH VOLUME ONE Halachic Positions What Judaism really Says about passion in the marital bed AN OUTLINE, ANALYSIS AND CANDID DISCUSSION YAAKOV SHAPIRO EXPANDED EDITION Dedicated to our Creator, Who fashioned husband and wife from the dust, breathed into them of His own spirit, and then commanded them to become one flesh through the pleasure of sex Genesis 2:24; Sanhedrin 58b, Rashi: Shelo Cedarcah The Talmudic sage, Rav Cahana, once hid under the bed of his master, Rav, and listened as he talked and laughed with his wife and performed his sexual needs. Rav Cahana exclaimed: “Such talk? It sounds as if the master has never tasted sex in his life!” Rav responded: “Cahana, get out of here! This is uncivilized!” Rav Cahana answered back: “This, too, is part of Torah, and I need to learn it.” Talmud, Tractates Brachos 62a, Hagigah 5b In all these matters [variety in sexual positions] it all follows the personal tastes of husband and wife. And if a man has found a good wife who is of same mind with him in these matters, to him applies the verse in Proverbs (18:22): “He who has found a wife has found goodness, and has elicited favor from the Lord,” and the verse in Ecclesiastes (9:7): “Go, eat your bread with joy and drink your wine with a merry heart, for G-d has already approved your deeds.” Rabbi Yehudah the Pious, Sefer Chasidim 509 Preface to the Third Edition The first edition of this book was released in November 2015, after eleven long years of research and writing. This third edition incorporates one additional year of study and discussion, before focus shall be turned to other important projects that beckon, including volume two of the Sexuality and Jewish Law series. As noted in the original introduction, it was always in the plan to continue to refine and expand this work. Immediately after publishing the first edition, two revised editions were updated and made available in December 2015, followed by an official second edition in January 2016. All major revisions up to and including those in the second edition were made available to the public at SexualityandJewishLaw.com. This expanded, third edition includes additional elucidation and an index, both of which shall be made available for public reference at the said website as well. The original pagination has been maintained throughout all editions, so that the index is consistent with them all. I would like to take this opportunity to recommend to readers two additional important Hebrew works that came to my attention over the past year, both by Orthodox rabbinic writers and both addressing the subject of marital harmony and sexual intimacy. They are Es Lifrosh v’Es Le’ehov by Rabbi Simcha Feuerman (Hadaf, 2016), and Ladaat Le’ehov by Rabbi Avraham Shmuel (second edition, 2015). Most importantly, this past September the author of Ladaat Le’ehov brought to my attention two remarkable Hebrew halachic works about the laws of marital sexual intimacy, namely, Simchat Habayit v’Birchato by Rabbi Eliezer Melamed of Yeshivat Har Brachah in Israel (second edition, 2015), and Harchavot l’Simchat Habayit v’Birchato, written under Rabbi Melamed’s guidance by a student of his, Rabbi Maor Kayam (2015). I believe these are quite literally the best practical halachic works out there on the subject that I am aware of to date, and it is my hope that they will soon be translated into English. Throughout this third edition, I’ve added references to corresponding discussions by Rabbi Melamed and Rabbi Kayam in these two works.* They are available for order in Israel on the * One important correction brought to my attention by these two works relates to the identity of the medieval rabbinic authority referred to in Shitah Mekubetzes, Nedarim 20b, by the acronym, “Re’em.” In previous editions, I mistakenly wrote that this referred to Rabbi Eliyahu Mizrachi (c.1455-c.1525). In the course of studying these two works, I was made aware that it refers to Rabbi Eliezer of Metz (12th century author of Sefer Yeraim). Yeshivat Har Brachah website, and you can contact the online store manager, there, for overseas orders. In my humble opinion, both volumes are must haves for every Orthodox husband, wife and mature adult – in addition to the two Hebrew works I’ve already recommended to readers in previous editions of this book, namely, the anonymously authored online treatise, Dvar Seser, and Rabbi Yehuda Henkin’s Bnei Banim vol. 4, responsa 16-17-18.** It remains my sincere hope that this study will continue to contribute to a healthy reexploration of Torah sources, and to a positive – and immediate – reexamination of cultural norms, so that halachic individuals and couples may be granted “new eyes to see and new ears to hear” the realistic down-to-earth wisdom hidden between the lines of ancient sacred text, resulting in deeper understanding and acceptance of themselves, deeper vulnerability and bonding between spouses, and deeper appreciation of, and identification with, the Creator. January 22, 2017 24 Tevet, 5777 ** See below, pp. 210-212. I would also like to bring to readers’ attention that in this edition correction has been made to an inadvertent misquote of Rabbi Henkin’s discussion about the meaning of the term “paam achas” found in Rabeinu Yeruchem, Nesiv 23. The relevant correction has been made to endnotes 268 and 613, and the precise textual revision may be found at SexualityandJewishLaw.com. Table of Contents Introduction Jews and Sex ...................................................................................................................... 1 Why I Wrote this Book .................................................................................................... 2 Who this Book is For ....................................................................................................... 5 A Note on Sources .......................................................................................................... 10 Methodology and Format ............................................................................................. 12 What this Book is and What it is Not .......................................................................... 12 The Structure of Our Study ........................................................................................... 15 Terminology – Important! ............................................................................................ 16 Souls Lost in Translation ............................................................................................... 18 Part One: First Impressions Shulchan Aruch, Orach Chaim 240, Laws of Modesty .............................................. 22 Shulchan Aruch – Initial Analysis ............................................................................... 26 Shulchan Aruch, Even Haezer 25, Laws of Marriage ................................................. 28 Part Two: Deconstructing the Code Babylonian Talmud, Tractate Nedarim 20ab ............................................................. 32 Nedarim 20ab – Summary ............................................................................................ 39 Mesechtos Callah ............................................................................................................ 40 Tractate Callah ........................................................................................................ 41 Callah Rabti ............................................................................................................. 44 Mesechtos Callah – Summary ...................................................................................... 50 Nedarim 20ab – Analysis .............................................................................................. 52 Objections to Marital Sexual Exploration ................................................................... 54 The Definition of “Sex-related Talk” ........................................................................... 57 The Definition of “Overturning the Table” ................................................................ 59 The Sages’ Ruling: Anything a Couple Craves to do Together Sexually, They May Do ..................................................................................................................................... 62 The Sages’ Reasoning .................................................................................................... 66 Three Small Words Every Man and Woman Needs to Hear .................................... 68 Babylonian Talmud, Tractate Hagigah 5b ...................................................................... 69 Hagigah 5b – Summary ..................................................................................................... 71 Hagigah 5b – Analysis ....................................................................................................... 72 Sexy Talk, Vulgar Talk, Vain Talk ................................................................................... 73 Talk During Sex Analyzed ................................................................................................ 75 Babylonian Talmud, Tractate Sanhedrin 58b ................................................................. 84 Sanhedrin 58b – Summary ............................................................................................... 85 Sanhedrin 58b – Analysis .................................................................................................