HEALING ABANDONMENT BETRAYAL & TRUST Healing The Heartbreakers

Whether you believe that life/god/universe is trying to look after you or not - you have to come to the conclusion that life is at the very minimum - a learning experience. In the bluntest of terms… Your life circumstances will present various problems/projects/difficulties/disasters/tragedies for you to deal with. Healing The Heartbreakers

This is not philosophy. Nor is it religion. It’s not life being cruel or picking on you. It’s just how it is. None of us are getting from here to our ultimate demise, without a few problems along the way. Yet this concept shocks many people. Healing The Heartbreakers

The insurance companies have studied these concepts because they are financially motivated to do so. (Your premium is calculated on the basis that 1,182 people died in car smashes last year.) The researchers tell us that the average Aussie adult will experience four ‘destabilising’ events per year. (Illness involving hospital, redundancy, divorce, financial catastrophe…) In other words, looking at the mega data makes it obvious that we will be facing serious challenges every day. Healing The Heartbreakers It would therefore be prudent to be ‘learning’ from life’s challenges. (If you are not applying that learning you’ll have to ‘learn’ it again.)

About 70% of people who experience a Side Note: disaster turn it into a positive in their life.

BUT most people ‘react’ rather than learn. The ‘heartbreakers’ will never go away while we are in reaction. HEALING THE HEARTBREAKERS ABANDONMENT empty… Left, deserted, Shocked, dismayed, crushed… BROKEN TRUST deceived… outraged, Hurt, BETRAYAL HEALING THE HEARTBREAKERS ABANDONMENT empty… Left, deserted, Shocked, dismayed, crushed… BROKEN TRUST deceived… outraged, Hurt, BETRAYAL Instinctively we:

Recoil and collapse inwards. We can be in this state for years.

Seek to protect ourselves (long and short term).

Develop strategies to prevent re-occurrence and stick with them regardless of their effectiveness. The Problem

Recoil and collapse inwards. We can be in this state for years.

This is NOT healing. Whilst understandable, ‘collapse’ takes us away from ourselves. In the wound we can only feel wounded. The Problem

Seek to protect ourselves (long and short term).

We might withdraw completely, go on the attack or become defensive. All options create isolation and further damage to ourselves. The Problem

Develop strategies to prevent re-occurrence and stick with them regardless of their effectiveness.

These strategies are practiced so regularly that they morph into the way we present to the world. We then say, “that’s the way I am.” The Solution

Recoil and collapse inwards. We can be in this state for years.

“Opening.” When we collapse in on the pain we ‘grip onto it’ fearing that it will become worse. We lose the ability to let go over time. The Solution

Seek to protect ourselves (long and short term).

We most often turn negative - failing to enter new relationships, opportunities and deals for fear that we will be hurt again. The Solution

Develop strategies to prevent re-occurrence and stick with them regardless of their effectiveness.

Realising that the decisions we made about ourselves and perceptions of our ability to handle further hurt in the future are wild imaginings. Healing The Heartbreakers

We’ll look at each one of the heartbreakers separately despite them being deeply related. Abandonment

SHORT TERM COMMON EMOTIONS REACTION LONGER TERM ACTIONS ACTIONS STRATEGIES Indecision Fear of more abandonment Remote Insecurity Aloof Sadness Inability to commit again Outrage Naming and shaming Controlling Shame Compulsion to ‘leave first’ Wild Un-deserving Shock Collapse Loneliness People pleasing Rebel Confusion Fear Self doubt Insecurity Non empathetic Worthlessness Ego driven Empty Collapse Feelings of failure Co-dependency Argumentative Despair Mood swings Anguish Recoil Shut down Ruthless Discouragement Fear of commitment Dismay Withdrawal Pushing others away Pain Inability to form relationships Sorrow Overdelivering at work Unworthy Inability to feel love and home Betrayal

SHORT TERM LONGER TERM COMMON EMOTIONS REACTION ACTIONS ACTIONS STRATEGIES

Anger Desire for revenge Hard (brittle) outer shell Insecurity Continuing outrage Indignation Continued ruminating Inability to commit again Sadness Hurt about revenge Unwillingness to ‘open Shame up’ again Difficulty sharing Fear Dismay Apprehension personal info Disgust Search for a reason Workaholic Confusion “why?” Disillusioned Wariness Inability and/or Loneliness Naming and shaming unwillingness Shock Shock Moody Expectation of to do deals Sadness (loss) Deceived, ‘played’ disappointment Grief Cynical Awefulising Shame Deflated Need to prove worth Long term anxiety Unloveable Foolish Broken Trust

SHORT TERM LONGER TERM COMMON EMOTIONS REACTION ACTIONS ACTIONS STRATEGIES

Confusion Anger Loss of faith in self Hurt Indignation Continuing outrage Sadness Unwillingness ANY AND ALL OF Dismay Rising Self Doubt Bitterness to trust again THE ABOVE Anxiety

Dread Shock Wariness Resentment Alarm Confusion ABANDONMENT HEALING THE HEARTBREAKERS Abandonment

The primary message of abandonment is unworthiness.

“Strategies” vary from control freak to its opposite - although the controller is both more common and easier to pick. Abandonment sufferers need to address their deep seated feelings of unworthiness*. They are more likely to claim that they are fine than take this major step towards healing. This is simply fear - but expect them to deny it. (better to suspect you are crazy that have it confirmed!) We’ll describe the process later in this session… describe the process We’ll * HEALING THE HEARTBREAKERS BETRAYAL Betrayal

The primary message of betrayal is unloveable. “Strategies” vary from earning the right to be here to complete ‘victim.’ Betrayal sufferers need to address their deep seated feelings of being unloveable*. They will be reluctant to go where they feel they have been ‘hurt before’. They will admit the need but ultimately shy away until they feel the “time is right.” Once again, this = fear and they’ll show it. We’ll describe the process later in this session… describe the process We’ll * HEALING THE HEARTBREAKERS BROKEN BROKEN TRUST Broken Trust

The primary message of broken trust is you’re insignificant.

The primary reaction is to lose trust in self. The consequences of self doubt, lack of confidence and not trusting self are catastrophic because the primary strategy is to look externally for guidance. This is the opposite of building self efficacy - which means that self esteem tumbles. How Do We Heal? (Only the brave ask)

1. Write the story of the event in your journal. 2. Revisit and update these writings for a week or two, 3. Get into a meditative state and then:

• Relive the event as an observer, • Identify your feelings at the time, • Express what you needed to at the time, • Seek the lesson in the situation, • Identify your role in co-creating the event, • Welcome the feelings into yourself, Repeat as necessary… • Sit and be present to the ‘worst’, • Watch the feelings dissipate. Assignments

Make a list of the times you felt abandoned. 1 Then “Do The Work”.

Make a list of the times you felt betrayed. 2 Then “Do The Work”.

Make a list of the times you felt your trust broken. 3 Then “Do The Work”.