The Necessity of Betrayal in Transformation

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THE NECESSITY OF BETRAYAL IN TRANSFORMATION

STEVEN WING BELCHER

A dissertation

submitted in partial fulfillment

of the requirements for the degree of

DOCTOR OF PHILOSOPHY IN PSYCHOLOGY

MERIDIAN UNIVERSITY

2013

STEVEN WING BELCHER

2013

THE NECESSITY OF BETRAYAL IN TRANSFORMATION

STEVEN WING BELCHER

A dissertation

submitted in partial fulfillment

of the requirements for the degree of

DOCTOR OF PHILOSOPHY IN PSYCHOLOGY

MERIDIAN UNIVERSITY

2013

This dissertation has been accepted for the faculty of Meridian University by:

______Aftab Omer, Ph.D. Dissertation Advisor

______Melissa Schwartz, Ph.D. Dissertation Chair

______Shoshana Fershtman, Ph.D. Committee Member

Sometimes the light's all shinin' on me; Other times, I can barely see. Lately it occurs to me . . . What a long, strange trip it's been.

The Grateful Dead “Truckin”

To my beloved wife Cielo who ignited my initiation with her death in 2002 To my precious wife Na who bears witness to the end.

ABSTRACT

THE NECESSITY OF BETRAYAL IN TRANSFORMATION

Steven Wing Belcher

This study explored betrayal as an alchemical medium for transformation. The study’s Research Problem posed the question, “In What ways does turning towards affective experiences facilitate movement towards the transformative potential inherent in the experience of betrayal and engaging the initiatory threshold?” The research hypothesis was that evocation of the betrayal experience reflects and reprises the original sense of anger, shame, and hopelessness, as well as capacity for change.

The Literature Review focuses on affect, spirit, and the dynamic aspects of change and self-awareness. Particular attention is given to attachment and forgiveness theory as well as the seam between affective experience and transformation of the psyche.

The Learnings address how the act of betrayal is perceived, its capacity to persist and scapegoat long after the event, and the promise of redemption and transformation.

The study utilized the subjective and qualitative methodology of Imaginal Inquiry, composed of four phases: evoking, expressing, interpreting, and integrating the research experience. The research employed guided meditation, creative arts, and journaling, to evoke material on the experience of betrayal.

vi vii

The study’s Cumulative Learning was that working through affects that arise from in the experience of betrayal allows for movement from loss and ossified postures, to courage and the acknowledgment of shame and anger. Learning One states that the existence of one or more tightly gripped subjectivities will resist healing processes, particularly as manifested in grieving what was lost. Learning Two states that betrayal is built on personal and divergent truths, which can be difficult to change. Learning Three states that the betrayed are vulnerable to becoming caught in victim identity. Learning

Four states that the wound of persecution can catalyze a world of autonomy, self- discovery, and redemption. Finally, Learning Five states that shame-driven anger can push the betrayed into illusory, solution-oriented obligations that must be abandoned.

The significance of the study is built on the transformative and initiatory elements of betrayal and identifies structures that inhibit change and healing. The study highlights an aspect of the god Hermes, which navigates through the extremes of black and white, and uses liminal space to set the psyche free.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

This has been a truly long, strange trip that rested on the shoulders of many. I have to honor those participants in the study who courageously and selflessly revealed their inner souls and made this research possible. I particularly want to thank my fellow students in Cohort 12; what dear souls and fellow crewmembers on the boat of revelation and transformation! In particular, I deeply appreciate fellow cohort members David

Westwood, Cheryl Nygard and Henry Kaiser for reading certain drafts and giving me invaluable insight. Writing is a lonely process and there are times when isolated creativity bumps up against the reality of theory and common sense. I am thankful that I have such friends as Cynthia Nova, Sandra Gaspar, and Stephanie Marchel to keep my spirits up and my feet on the ground. I would be remiss without honoring my gifted grief therapist,

Ilka de Gast, whose offhand remark led me to Meridian University.

viii

CONTENTS

ABSTRACT ...... vi

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS ...... viii

Chapter

1. INTRODUCTION ...... 1

Research Topic

Relationship to the Topic

Theory in Practice

Research Problem and Hypothesis

Methodology and Research Design

Learnings

Significance and Relevance of the Topic

2. LITERATURE REVIEW...... 20

Introduction and Overview

Betrayal as Initiation

Theological and Philosophical Perspectives on Betrayal

Psychological Research on Betrayal

Betrayal as Trauma

Betrayal and Forgiveness

Imaginal Mythical Approaches to Betrayal

Conclusion

ix x

3. METHODOLOGY ...... 78

Introduction and Overview

Co-researchers

Limitations and Delimitations

Participants

Four Phases of Imaginal Inquiry

4. LEARNINGS CHAPTER ...... 102

Introduction and Overview

Cumulative Learnings

Learning One: Perpetual Loss – The Unreal Soul

Learning Two: Shades of Grey – Abandon Truth

Learning Three: The Role of the Victim – The Dead-end Road

Learning Four: The Scapegoated Hero’s Journey – The Road to Redemption

Learning Five: Atlas Shrugged – Release from Bondage

Conclusion

5. REFLECTIONS ...... 163

Significance of Learnings

Mythic and Archetypal Reflections

Implications of Study

Appendix

1. ETHICS APPLICATION...... 182

2. CONCEPTUAL OUTLINE...... 187

3. CHRONOLOGICAL OUTLINE...... 190

4. INFORMED CONSENT ...... 194

5. DATA COLLECTION ...... 197

6. SUMMARY OF DATA ...... 197

7. SUMMARY OF LEARNINGS ...... 229

8. TABLE OF BETRAYAL ...... 232

9. SCRIPTS ...... 234

NOTES ...... 246

REFERENCES ...... 261

CHAPTER 1

INTRODUCTION

Research Topic

Betrayal. There is no perceived human experience that is more common, devastating, or memorialized. It is a word that is seldom used by those who feel betrayed but permeates all modes of social intercourse. In that great American cultural vernacular, popular music, almost every song contains a lament of betrayal.

When will I break Into pieces It’s your mistake I finally see that Everything I thought was you was a lie Now you left love dying It’s in the arms of a stranger.

12 Stones, “In the Arms of a Stranger”

In the archetypal landscape of loss, the lyric fragment says it all: the expectation that love will be met with love, the shattering of trust, the disintegration of ego, the shame quickly moving to anger and blame, and finally the death of expectation and hope.

Cultural and literary icon Kurt Vonnegut repeatedly pronounced an evocation of self- denial and betrayal in Slaughterhouse Five with the enigmatic and world weary “so it goes.” Betrayals, romantic or otherwise, serve as waypoints of our lives, marking the predictable and the profane. Expectations are not met, love objects evaporate, and ties of trust are broken. In the wake of these perceived violations well tidal waves of feelings:

2 shame, anger, hate, and everlasting bitterness and depression. Sometimes the anger and shame turn into reflection and rebirth.

The swing of the human compass invariably points to trust being assumed or given and then violated as predictably as the attraction of love and security. The nature of the topic suggested areas of literature generally known as depth or soul psychology and suggested looking more for the “why” than the “what” of it; the review is eclectic and directed toward trauma engendered by betrayal and its ancient archaic roots. This includes literature that both reflect deep and ancient wisdom as well as contemporary interpretations in story and theory. A particular emphasis is directed to the dynamics of betrayal and its role in triggering transformative processes and inclusive initiatory events.

In the following review of current literature, the topic of betrayal is examined in its constituent parts, the common nature of the event, and its predictable reactions and affects.

Betrayal at its dark root-meaning is a breaking of valued trust, a transgression of a trusted and close relationship. It seems to get its power from feelings of shame and the sense of being unlovable and not worthy. Julie Fitness posits that betrayal is to “deceive or mislead, to reveal secrets, and to disappoint the hopes or expectations of others”; in interpersonal relations, she notes, betrayal usually occurs in a relationship where the principals are involved with and trust each other. 1 Betrayal is so devastating because it exposes the reality of a trusted person who does not care, and the act of betrayal devalues and sometimes destroys the perceived relationship. The act can make the person betrayed feel isolated, diminished, and rejected. 2

David Ray Griffen proposes that in the United States there is a strong cultural

“black and white” mindset in which important interpersonal relationships are seen in a dualistic good versus bad context. 3 This literal mindset draws a fragile line in the sand where the possibility of betrayal is ever-present and even an accidental stumble crosses the line between trust and betrayal. An individual’s “truth” of betrayal is a solitary and tightly gripped concept held closely by those who are betrayed. Thomas Moore notes that the term truth is so loaded with hidden assumptions that he never uses it. 4 Joel Block believes that individuals have to be realistic about their expectations for intimacy and bonding. When these expectations are not conscious, stated, or realistic, it is easy to feel betrayed even when a person has not been. Betrayal implies a broken promise, he says; however, the act is not considered a betrayal when no such promise was made. 5

The power and depth of feeling around betrayal are rooted in affect, particularly shame. Louis Cozolino notes that stress, fear, anxiety, and particularly shame are suffused through the “mind body,” systems that are important for social-emotional attachment patterns. 6 Betrayal and attendant shame hit where we are most vulnerable: our attachment to those who matter most to us. Donald L. Nathanson observes that if

“love would be viewed as the name we give the most powerful positive form of this connection” then “shame would be regarded as an affect that returns the individual to its state of primary isolation.” He notes that shame has many shades of meaning, but he is clear in his belief that “shame is the feeling that we are unlovable.” 7

James Hollis embraces the Jungian concept that dark emotions and states of mind are to be recognized as important psychic places. He believes betrayal is not only a particular kind of loss but also a profound opportunity for self-exploration and a gateway

4 for individuation and emotional growth. 8 Andre Papineau also sees betrayal as a change agent and uses the metaphor of something that rots becoming the substance sustaining the next chapter in a person’s life. He sees this as part of the cyclic process of crisis, epiphany, integration, disillusionment, and change that is essential in achieving a self- aware and mature life. 9 Jack Kornfeld reflects this view and sees the act of betrayal as a teaching and learning moment. He sees it as an uninvited initiation that strips away illusions of innocence and ushers in the possibility of learning the truths within oneself. 10

I am drawn to Michael Meade’s view that betrayal is an essential part of the initiatory process, and in order to live with an open heart, we must be open to complex and imperfect relationships. The act of betrayal strips away false illusions; if the path of innocence, bitterness, and blame can be rejected, betrayal can lead back to what is essentially our own. 11 In considering the act of betrayal, the human moral compass swings to images of right and wrong and the stepchildren of betrayal: deceit, premeditation and vengeance. Betrayal raises the matters of conscience or the lack thereof. This study is not an apology or defense of calculated acts of betrayal. It does not excuse or mitigate the conscious and deliberate act of breaking trust. The reader does not need data or discussion to appreciate the catastrophic shock and sadness of a loved and trusted companion destroying a relationship by cheating.

We have all experienced degrees of this experience of a trusted companion suddenly and inexplicably undermining the confident expectation of support, comfort, and special holding. It was only in the final stages of the study that the researcher became aware that this study on betrayal could be considered other than an examination and analysis of outcomes. This study starts with the predisposition that interpersonal betrayal

5 exists, is common, and is even inevitable. It is assumed that the human condition is fallible and imperfect, and although breaking of trust is morally wrong, it is not always clear to the betrayer that an issue of conscience is in play.

Because the data is focused on the act of betrayal, there is little effort to identify instances of moral reflection or regret. For the most part, the perpetuators of the betrayal are singularly unconscious of the impact of their actions. The majority of the participants focused on their parents as being the principal violators of their trust. At the time of the violations, most parents seemed single mindedly engaged in their own trauma-based stories, and it appears from their point of view that the damage to their children is merely collateral.

A minority of participants revealed craven and conscious acts of betrayal by perpetuators who were described as amoral and narcissistic and sometimes clueless.

Many of the perpetuators remind one of the bull in the china shop, impulsively and mindlessly destroying without the capacity to reflect. The interviews, however, did reveal a few instances of perpetrators’ later reflection and moments of asking for and considering forgiveness. Although issues of conscience are important, this study concentrates on the proposition that deep interpersonal betrayal forces the betrayed to change and sometimes even provides the impetus to initiate new beginnings. We are initiated by necessity, and sometimes these necessities entail betrayal. However, much betrayal is associated with the absence of conscience and courage as well as the enactment of hate and vengeance.

Relationship to the Topic

My enrollment in Meridian University was a fortuitous fluke; it was the right path, but I stumbled onto it without thought or reflection. This budding awareness of my emotional world led me to the taboo side of grief: anger, guilt, and particularly betrayal.

The spark for this fateful step was the death of my beloved second wife more than a decade ago.

I like to say my first exposure to unconditional love was love for my daughter; however, my first experience of adult love, accepting and without reservation, was for my second wife, Cielo, who battled breast cancer for seven years and died more than a decade ago. I was devastated at the time, and but for the need to care of our then 12-year- old son, there was little to maintain my attachment to this world. I was a numbed and vaporous ghost doing my best to raise a traumatized boy and keep the essentials of life operating. I was drawn to spirituality, but structured faiths did not fit. An offhand remark by my grief counselor directed me to examine what was then a very foreign landscape of my soul. Like a forensic scientist for the psyche, I was able to see, through the lens of my therapy and studies at Meridian, my unacknowledged anger, shame, emptiness and longing. Painfully, I acknowledged my feelings of betrayal in the loss of my wife; she left me, and she left me in emotional and financial chaos. It was not supposed to be this way.

I wandered through the metaphorical dark, a dark that was punctuated with flashes of bright insight. It is only now that I see how unerringly my soul directed me to the feeling that I needed most to investigate, live in, and experience. There were flashes of light; my grief counselor’s offhand remark about the “special relationship” between

7 father and daughter, and my shadowed response, “There is?” I believed I was not naive or cynical. I truly did not know such a relationship was possible; just as I did not know that mourning and grief were more than words. I was trapped in a literal world that did not acknowledge emotion, redemption, and forgiveness. Supported by counseling, I systematically started grieving half-remembered pains and disasters in my life: my abused childhood, my first failed marriage, and my lack of paternal support for my daughter.

My revelations about self-awareness became more nuanced; what happened in my life that brought such pain and numbness? What was that thing that resulted in a five- year-old poor white boy wandering alone in a public housing project in Oakland? Didn’t anyone think this was weird or even dangerous for a child? I learned to grieve for that abandoned little boy, a cute freckled-face kid who joined packs of post-war neglected children in exploring the nearby train yards of West Oakland. Without fear, we placed nails on tracks and waited for massive switch engines to pass so we could retrieve the flattened nails, our “knives.” I grieve for that little boy who was whipped by a willow branch because his mother was beside herself with terror of the image of her son with his leg cut off by a train (as had happened to the neighbor’s kid).

As I peeled the onion, my own subjectivities emerged from the mist. I saw the betrayal of a mother who, instead of meeting my infant gaze, fell into her own pit of psychosis. I saw a father who abandoned me and my siblings to his drink, his ambition, and his own false self. I saw an adolescent, a young man, and a mature driven professional uncomfortable in his own skin, puzzled by his monstrous insecurities and his easy access to shame. I saw a husband in love but ultimately betrayed by the disease that

8 killed his wife. But I also saw a man who, despite everything, had found love and married again, reconciled with his older child, forgave and cherished his mother, and found a deep understanding of his demons.

It seems that betrayal, whether perceived or not, can be seen as bookends of life experience, demarking painful learning moments or traumas better lost in the numbness of rejection. In the wake of these perceived violations wells tidal waves of feelings: shame, anger, hate, and bitterness and depression. Sometimes the feelings coalesce into a sense of betrayal, but sometimes the anger and shame turn to reflection and rebirth.

Theory-In-Practice

Imaginal Transformation Praxis

The theoretical frame for this study is oriented towards Imaginal Transformation

Praxis (ITP), as formulated by Aftab Omer, and guides the practical application and exercise of Imaginal Theory. ITP rests on the practice of becoming aware, enduring and transmuting imaginal structures, surrendering through creative action, and facilitating and celebrating the emergence of human capacities. It includes the key concepts of: capacity, which “delineates a specific potential in responding to a domain of life experience . . .;” imaginal structures, where “assemblies of sensory, affective, and cognitive aspect of experience is constellated into images and mediate and constitute our experience;” and reflexivity, “the capacity to engage in and be aware of those imaginal structures that shape and constitute our experience.” Transformative learning, within ITP, describes the process of “learning that engenders the emergence of human capacities in a unique and connected way.” 12

The keystone to this theoretical structure is Omer’s concept of Reflexive

Participation, “the practice of surrendering through creative action to the necessities, meaning, and possibilities in inherent in the present moment.” 13 As taught at Meridian

University, the work of reflexive participation entails seven distinct components which in practice are seamless and intuitive.

The initial step in the practice of reflexivity is the ability to be affected and to notice one’s own actions and responses to emotional stimulus. This requires the capacity to know you are affected, that the body and mind are reacting as well as is the ability to describe these reactions. This often is a moment associated with the concept of disidentification which, in Omer’s words, “is a key dimension in the transformation of identity associated with the emergence of a spacious awareness free from frozen images of self.” 14 It leads to the ability to express one’s reactions through sharing with others or engaging in other creative mediums. The practice of reflexive participation calls for the self-awareness to know what personal imaginal structures have been activated as well as to discern related personal and archetypal patterns. This stage of reflexivity supports engagement with others; one works with feelings held in response to the reactions of others, working the layers of awareness and questioning what is behind the reaction, endeavoring to bring the reaction forward. The final stage of reflexivity is the ability to transmute the reaction into what Omer calls creative action. 15

Omer has a unique image of the nature of the human soul, one which requires disidentification and freedom from imaginal structures and which inhibits the soul’s participatory character. He defines disidentification as the ability “to loosen the grasping and clutching of personal or adaptive identity, which is formed in the course of coping

10 with environmental impingement and overwhelming events.”16 Disidentification evolves through the awareness that one holds personal subjectivities that can act to distort perceptions of reality Acknowledgment and acceptance of these subjectivities can be expressed in the concept of psychological multiplicity, described by Omer as “the existence of many distinct and often encapsulated centers of subjectivity within the experience of the same individual.” 17 Working against this is Omer’s concept of personal and cultural gatekeepers which defend the ego from fears of annihilation and abandonment. 18 Affects and affect theory figure large in ITP, with Omer placing great value in the expression of affect as a key element for the goal of transmuting affects into capacities and supporting the soul’s growth and maturity. The primary social tool for realizing this process is the human desire and aptitude for ritual; it is ritual which provides organization and trajectory for the soul’s creativity and divinity. 19

ITP seems particularly suited for processing and analyzing data generated from experiential forms around betrayal. It is one of the few theoretical structures in the field of psychology that can respond to betrayal’s curious combination of labeling, affect, and polarities of rigidity and transformation. Humans often hold the feelings of betrayal in imagined personal history, or in this case, within the concept of imaginal structures wherein affect, feelings, and experience collide and coalesce into images that delineate and provide substance to their experience. 20 In this study on betrayal, the act of betrayal is not viewed as an isolated assault but as a spike in the continuum of personal and cultural experience. Carl Gustav Jung’s concept of a complex seems related to the experience of betrayal; that is, repressed emotional experiences that may be triggered and sometimes produce an emotional overreaction in defense of some early trauma. 21 It

11 appears that betrayal is intertwined with all aspects of emotional history. Early experience and trauma seem inextricably linked to how betrayal is held and processed and are related to rigid and static structures that resist opportunities for movement and self-awareness.

The ability to be aware and to see the possibility of letting go of past identities is a necessary step in moving toward change. We need to engage and be aware of those imaginal structures that shape and constitute our experience. 22 Along with engagement and self-awareness, transformation requires that we relax tightly-held subjectivities as victim and avenger in order to have what Omer terms, a reflexive dialogue to address these hard nuts of belief. 23 This reflexive dialogue “refers to a conversation engaging two of more distinct centers of subjectivity within a field of suspended identification.” 24

Relaxing tightly held subjectivities allows a supportive voice within, the voice of the

Friend -which is not tied to the moment but to the soul and creative action. 25 Movement past the structures that bind tightly held beliefs can be described as approaching an initiatory threshold, which refers to “transitions that require a transformation of identity to complete and integrate” and the beginning of an initiatory path. 26 Globally, these are aspects of transformation in which the practitioner experiences the emergence of human capacities and qualities in a unique and integrated way. 27

This study relies on a number of principles which address the topic of betrayal.

According to Omer, “When we betray our trust connection to others, we engender shame

12 guide us to act with passionate objectivity and encourage us to align with the creative will of the cosmos.” 29 It is part of the constructive constellation of Omer’s notion of the Peer

Principle, and is a context for transformative learning and transforming the shame of betrayal toward engaging the initiatory process. “The transformational journey needs peers to hold and witness change.” 30 We need friends for this journey, and the Friend within provides ego support and courage as well as facilitates the journey. Inability to engage the Friend freezes emotional movement and locks in hurt and anger “. . . when the proudly denied need is not met.” 31

Research Problem and Hypothesis

The Research Problem for this inquiry asks the question in what ways does turning towards affective experiences facilitates movement towards the transformative potential inherent in the experience of betrayal and engaging the initiatory threshold. It also addresses the question of what in the experience of betrayal is critical to transmuting shame, anger, and the desire for revenge into transformation and personal growth. The research hypothesis was that the affective evocation of the betrayal experience can reflect the original sense of anger, shame, and hopelessness but can also present opportunities for profound initiation.

The Research Problem leads to a number of questions. Why do some people confront the overwhelming experience of betrayal and the sudden denial of love and support yet somehow work through it? And why do others not do this? In what way does turning toward the affective experiences that emerge in response to betrayal in a supportive holding environment allow one to move toward the transformative potential

13 inherent in betrayal as an initiatory threshold? What in the experience of betrayal is critical to transmuting shame, anger, and desire for revenge into transformation and personal growth? 32

Methodology and Research Design

Because the research topic addressed affect-laden experiences of interpersonal betrayal, the methodology relied on an intimate model of individual interviews for generation of data. The interviews were shaped to weave a structure of holding and security in which the participants could both express themselves free as they incrementally regressed into evermore meaningful evocations of their betrayal experiences. This creative and managed experience for the participants included guided meditation, storytelling and writing as well as metaphor and art. These exercises provided data to test the study questions, concepts, theories, and hypotheses and were the basis for interpretations and Learnings.

The methodology design produced experiential momentum through serial experiences, which identified boundaries and stretched participants’ willingness and tolerance for revealing shameful experiences. This was most evident in the Walking

Backwards Exercise in which the participants literally stepped backward in time, each step revealing a past betrayal. The methodologies also used the creative arts to access and activate unconscious shadow material and revealed unacknowledged stories and structures. The expressive arts exercise brought to light an emotional landscape in original and authentic form, relatively free from the contamination of defensive stories and scripts. Complementing and essential to the research design was the carefully crafted

14 container of confidentiality, sense of safety, and friendly encouragement which helped erode the participants’ normative behaviors and protected subjectivities.

The integrity of the research was based on common and archetypal assumptions and expressions reflected in the review of literature and validated by the behaviors of my research participants. Ontological assumptions presumed a soul-based universe wherein things that matter most are unseen and reside in a constellation of feelings. This view embraces constructivism and relativism in that it is person focused and free from absolutes. Generally, the research design was more attuned to the literary worldview of

Michael Meade rather than to the psychotherapeutic orientation of Donald L. Nathanson.

It is presupposed that deep betrayal results in feelings of catastrophic loss and shame, which is often overlaid with anger. The triggering event may be influenced by unique social and cultural forces, but the human emotional reaction tends to be consistent and provide a degree of validity when observed in the data.

Quantitative statistical approaches in betrayal studies have weaknesses with respect to defining the research narrowly and testing small variations of well-used hypotheses. The resulting research can miss powerful affects which drive outcomes. The review of existing literature revealed some competent studies on rate of forgiveness that tested frequency but apparently missed the critical intensity and magnitude of the underlying and causal affect. In contrast, the theme of this research was to identify moments of emotional authenticity and to probe the poetic and heartbreaking realms of broken trust and its aftermath. 33

The research design used Imaginal Inquiry methodology which unfolds in four phases: evoking, expressing, interpreting, and integrating experience. My first task was to

15 evoke a betrayal experience in selected participants, igniting moments of reflection on their personal history of heartbreak, change, and transition. Later, and within the context of the participatory paradigm, the participants were invited into engage in various activities which activated betrayal subjectivities, evoked shame and anger, and generated new experience. Although Imaginal Inquiry is composed of four phases, the research design did not apply the phases in a serial or consecutive manner; rather, elements of the evoking, expressing, interpreting, and integrating of experience were intermittent and ordered by relevance. The interviews included a variety of modes and moments of both expressing and interpreting individual experiences in a cyclical and spontaneous manner.

Research-driven insight, expression, and visceral release can happen at the most unexpected moments.

Learnings

The Cumulative Learning is that working through the affects in the experience of betrayal can allow for movement from loss and ossified postures to courage and the acknowledgment of shame and anger. Such acknowledged shame can be seen as the engine that drives the suffering to a liminal moment when the possibility of change exists. Embracing betrayal-related affect can be seen as an essential catalyst in stripping the ego of ungrounded stories and unleashing feelings and compassion for the intimate and conflicted soul.

The essence of Learning One states that the existence of one or more “tightly gripped” subjectivities will resist healing processes, particularly as manifested in grieving that which was lost. The attachment to cataclysmic loss has the power to grow and

16 mature into an ego image of perpetual loss. This unconscious and incremental web is a self-made prison that resists change; it becomes a major element of character and is increasingly separated from the reality of the original loss and tied to an image of self.

Learning Two states that betrayal is built on personal and divergent truths which are hard to alter or let go of. It becomes a carefully nuanced story told almost by rote and to anyone who will listen, and over time becomes a calcified weight on the soul. The carefully nurtured truth of broken trust is not pure and unadulterated but is a product of a personal and unique history; it might be more accurate to say “my truth” or “your truth” rather than “the truth.”

Learning Three states that the betrayed are vulnerable to getting stuck in an entrenched victim identity, in part because being a victim of betrayal helps explain what can otherwise be seen, existentially, as inexplicable. Building an entrenched identity of victim can define this experience into clear components of right and wrong, good and evil, and perfection. Betrayal also carries the shame of not being competent, mature, and lovable. The victim persona can feed into the childhood subjectivity of having been globally responsible for interpersonal failures and can lend a sense of validity to what may perhaps become lifelong feelings of being scapegoated.

Learning Four is related to and builds on Learning Three. It states that the wound of persecution can be the catalyst to a world of autonomy, self-discovery, and redemption. Within the scapegoat complex is a role for the wanderer, one who escapes communal structures and is open to the uncertainties and surprises of the road. Driven by belief and hurt, the wanderer has an openness to experience change and initiation.

Finally, Learning Five states that shame-driven anger pushes the betrayed into illusory, solution-oriented obligations that need to be abandoned in order to move toward initiation. The shrug (as in Atlas Shrugged) is a gesture of release; it is the discarding of force and control in favor of power and engagement. Driven by guilt, some participants focused on managing relationships at the cost of personal autonomy and power necessary to move through the initiatory journey. Dumping unneeded self-imposed responsibilities relieves the tortured soul and makes space for change.

Significance and Relevance of the Topic

The topic, betrayal, seems to stand as an experiential totem in a roiled human landscape of loss that is stark, solitary, and omnipresent. The word betrayal and its premier companion affect, shame, have their unique power. When spoken, betrayal stops the conversation; it terminates discussion. The statement “you betrayed me” deserves an exclamation mark and does not invite measured and compassionate discussion. In the same way, the unspoken statement “you shamed me” makes the listener want to run.

Given these suppositions, it is all the more interesting and revealing that these statements are more evident in implication and metaphor than in plain speech. It seems that betrayal- based shame of this sort can be understood as a wound in the self, reflected often in a contemptuous parental voice. 34

The significance of the study is that it builds on the transformative and initiatory elements of betrayal and identifies structures that inhibit change and healing. From the archaic perspective, the study highlights an archetype aspect of the god Hermes, that is, to navigate through the extremes of black and white and inhabit the liminal space to

18 unbind the psyche. The findings of the research propose that working through the affective experience of betrayal allows for psychological movement from loss and rigid subjectivities to courage and the release of acknowledging of shame and anger. The study suggests that the existence of one or more tightly gripped subjectivities will resist healing processes, particularly as manifested in grieving for what was lost. Further, the study posits that betrayal is built on personal and divergent truths which are hard to alter or let go of; as a consequence, the betrayed are vulnerable to becoming stuck and drawn to the victim identity. This wound of persecution and shame, however, has the power to catalyze movement towards a world of autonomy, self-discovery, and redemption.

Finally, the study opens the possibility that shame-driven anger pushes the betrayed into illusory, solution-oriented obligations which must be must be abandoned in order to heal. This dynamic of cascading betrayal affects is manifested either as sustaining a deadening cyclic pattern of betrayal or providing opportunities for rebirth and transformation. The span of the topic promises to engage readers who may be energized and interested in the new frames of reference generated by the research results.

Furthermore, the application of the scapegoat complex with other Imaginal Psychology concepts has the potential to fuel creative and therapeutic perspectives for persons stuck in shame, anger, or blame. After reading the Learnings, some therapists may look to the study’s methodology, particularly the creative arts experiences, when addressing scapegoat and victim subjectivities; these and other strategies may help clients resist the cyclic trap of anger and blame by accessing an avenue of expression. The hope is that the study will add to the body of therapeutic research on betrayal and at the very least help

19 therapists gain traction in moving clients out of their “stuckness” and toward relief and change.

The study’s overall benefit is to normalize the idea that betrayal is a universal and periodic condition of living life and can even be considered a price for living in the human family. As parents foster their offspring, children are taught to avoid discomfort, pain, and shame. Some pain, mature parents uncomfortably acknowledge, is an essential part of the learning curve leading to maturity. The pain of betrayal is a badge of honor for those who risk living in a world of feelings and emotions; it is a badge of honor for those who risk the uncertainty of love. The extreme alternative to participating in the wild world of feelings is to face the land of schizoid emotional isolation and numbness. To run passionately with the wind, one must collide with an occasional tornado or trip on the white noise of the doldrums.

CHAPTER 2

LITERATURE REVIEW

Introduction and Overview

The following review of literature related to the topic of betrayal is organized into like views, or clusters, which include perspectives from theological, psychological and imaginal approaches to the topic of betrayal. The first cluster on Betrayal as Initiation examines the flip side of the coin of betrayal: the power of betrayal to change the status quo. This review looks at divergent views on the relationship of initiation to betrayal, the stillborn opportunities for change as well as literal and subjective views of the life-and- death quality of initiation. Initiation, particularly in the past, was an essential rite of passage that recognized the necessity of betrayal in breaking the bonds of childhood dependency. Prominent among the perspectives are those of Guner Orucu, who notes that indigenous initiation introduces the novice to a lifelong process of learning, and of

Michael Meade, who considers betrayal an essential step in the initiatory process.

The cluster on Theological and Philosophical Perspectives on Betrayal addresses views on the divine and redemption. Here Jean Houston looks at betrayal as a sacred event which reveals new opportunities and James Hillman finds meaning in a father’s betrayal of his son. The Psychological Research cluster is divided in sections on

Psychodynamic Perspectives, Attachment and Loss, Trauma, and Forgiveness. Of note is

Donald L. Nathanson’s observation that if love is considered the most powerful connection, then shame can be seen as the most isolating.

Finally, the Imaginal Approaches to Betrayal cluster reviews literature on myth and the images of the psyche and their relationship to the soul. This cluster reviews betrayal through mythological themes and stories and highlights the archetypal record of personal disaster with examples of magical redemption and transformation. This cluster sets the stage for a uniquely American-Afghani story of betrayal, a personal journey of global as well as personal meaning of loss and redemption. The literature of the Greek god Hermes is particularly symbolic and relevant to the topic with his penchant to bend and shape conventional thinking about betrayal. The review of literature concludes with

Imaginal Approaches to Betrayal and includes the views of James Hollis who sees betrayal not as loss but as an opportunity for self-exploration. There is particular attention to Sylvia Brinton Perera’s discussion of the projected shadow of scapegoating and the betrayal of self from within and without.

Betrayal as Initiation

Like the unexpected heavy snow, the dry winter, the rare summer hurricane— which ironically occur with relentless predictability—the commonplace human catastrophe of betrayal blindsides the uninitiated. No one is immune to its emotional tides, and it strikes predictably both the prominent and worldly as well as the common and naive. The dark agony of being betrayed has the capacity of stripping a person of his adaptive identity, a persona that mediates his interaction with the human environment.

Betrayal is perhaps that jolt that knocks a person into a place of reassessing and

22 reinventing the meaning and structure of his life. Furthermore, the shock of betrayal creates a liminal moment, usually a brief moment where the soul can fly and never- imagined alternatives are revealed.

Orucu observes the creativity and deep connection to the natural world reflected in the initiation rites of the Aboriginal people. He notes that they, as with other indigenous people, were not oriented to linear, historical time but instead to the profound mystery of their existence. The Australian initiation ushers the novice into the sacred world and thereby transports him into the mature and communal world of special powers and knowledge. With the Aborigines, the initiation in fact starts a lifelong process of learning about existence and life. The symbolic death of the novice, as with many initiatory experiences, is a necessary and immutable separation from childhood; it is the passport to enter the adult spiritual world, where initiates learn how to live in harmony with their environment and themselves. 1

William Irwin Thompson engages this theme of social harmony with a more confining view by suggesting that humans feel safe and secure when they are in the middle of things and are comforted by being buffered and protected by those who are similar. He sees this as a kind of trance, an imprisonment that can be interrupted by lifting one’s gaze to the horizon and drifting to the hermetic edge. He feels that edges are important because they reveal the texture and shape of the social and spiritual body in which we move. He also sees acknowledgement of such edges as providing a potential for change in perspective and movement from cultural confinement. Thompson writes,

“The edge of history is myth.” 2

Meade documents the initiation rites of indigenous societies and likens the process to tracing the remnants of spiritual history. Initiation is a universal and archetypal ritual, he says, and creates spiritual life where events have a beginning and an end. He sees initiation as representing a particular global view of considering life’s events; it marks the major cultural and personal transitions of the human condition. Meade notes,

“On the ground of initiation, death is the opposite of birth, not the opposite of life.” 3

Meade is adamant in his belief that only through the formalized and public ritual can such life-changing events be truly appreciated. The process requires cataclysmic changes; sometimes the loss of identity and even feeling betrayal of one’s self are essential to rites of passage. Meade believes that only through initiation can death be held in the honor and meaning-making it deserves. In some cases, death of a loved one is the ultimate betrayal and expressed as: How could she leave me? Death, Meade feels, can be the catalyst for self-reflection, awareness, and change. Death is more than the passing of the corporeal reality; he proposes that it represents in the psyche a change and transformation in the life of a person. Initiation means change from inside out instead of the patina of lifestyle change. Initiation is the earthquake, the tsunami that wipes the slate clean and provides room for the next iteration. The initiate has the potential to reincarnate his dated soul, to become a new person, reborn and energized. 4

Meade uses myth, fairy tales, and his personal experience to examine the human heart and its ability and capacity to hold and tolerate “inner and outer oppositions.” 5 His central theme, expressed through his stories and public dialogue of initiatory experiences, is what he calls “the third way, a path with heart.” 6 He advocates that meaning comes from, among other things, the capacity to bear the oppositions of life long enough to find

24 a third way. He notes that these stories are the vehicle to respond to the basic human need to participate in imaginal life. His selection of ancient stories helps “unlock the literalism of the present and open the future to greater meaning.” 7

Meade sees betrayal as an essential part of the initiatory process, whether it is betrayal from others or self-betrayal. Meade tells a mythic story of an ingenuous younger son betrayed by his two older brothers as well as by his father, whom he has saved with

“the water of life.” One would expect that the younger brother would be celebrated and honored for saving his father, but his wicked older brothers betray him by telling his father that it was they who found the life saving liquor and that the younger brother tried to poison the father. The king, his father, condemns him to death. It is only when the youngest brother literally takes on the clothes of the man assigned to execute him that he develops the capacity to see this treachery. Meade interprets this tale to mean that we must finally and painfully leave the clothes of naiveté and innocence so that we can see the “pettiness in the hearts of others.” 8 What is worse, Meade notes, is that we must confront the reality of our self-betrayal and our failure to see clearly and act not only from the heart but also from valuing our own existence.

Meade notes that “betrayal can only come where trust has been placed. It is the love in one’s heart that is betrayed; the innate magnanimity and bestowing nature of one’s soul are inevitably crushed by the harshness of this world.” 9 According to Meade, this is an essential part of the initiatory process where in order to live with an open heart, one must be open to complex and imperfect relationships. The act of betrayal, strips away illusions and if the path of innocence, bitterness, and blame can be rejected, it can lead back to what is essentially one’s own. Meade says, “at some point, a person hands over

25 the overly innocent view of life and walks on the common ground of the betrayed . . .” and finds that “what’s left after a betrayal is truly one’s own. What truly belongs to a person cannot be completely lost or given away.” 10

As an initiator for growth and self-awareness, betrayal becomes for Meade a bellwether for authenticity in that somebody cannot be betrayed by something that is really theirs. Meade would only trust someone who has been betrayed and fallen; by surviving this experience, he believes, one finds the wholeness of oneself. He notes that a soul that is initiated into its life will survive betrayal. Societies with deep wisdom recognize this, and their elders know that the betrayal will eventually come and the initiated will suffer, survive, and emerge seasoned and open to new experience. Meade believes that the possibility of betrayal reflects the willingness to be open emotionally and to love, and that we can only be betrayed by our own (those we trust). At the end of the relationship, Meade says, someone will say that their partner did not know how to love. A broken heart is a heart worth having because it is available for love. Meade continues with the thought that if one stays with the feeling of betrayal and does not divert it to other emotions, such as anger and revenge; then love will come again. 11

Robert Bly believes that modern culture has abandoned essential initiatory experiences. Bly addresses what he sees as a crisis in American society wherein no process or value is attributed to the transition from adolescence to adulthood. He sees

American young people as perpetually stuck in an endless summer of self-indulgence and lack of meaning. Bly feels that adolescents refuse to become adults and that the adults they become are bereft of sustaining mores and structure. He sees young people as increasingly literal, competing for the rewards of a consumer society and lacking the

26 ability to take responsibility for themselves or their offspring; the new term for such self- involved young is selfie. Bly uses world mythology, including the old stories of “Jack and the Beanstalk” and the Hindu god Ganesha, as metaphors for what is wrong in our society, concluding that ancient wisdom is what is needed to help our spiritually impoverished youth. 12

Bly’s retelling of the Ganesha myth underscores the necessity and the lack thereof in American society of initiation from boy to man. In the myth, the goddess Parvati created a son who at her direction prevented her husband, the god Shiva, from entering

Parvati’s bath. The enraged Shiva struck off the boy’s head and later to soothe Parvati’s grief replaced it with a head of a young elephant. With the restoration of a head, the boy was then named Ganesha, now a popular zoomorphic Hindu deity. Bly uses this story to illustrate the necessity for the young initiate to die and enter into a mature world, here symbolized by the new elephant’s head. Bly notes, “A new head means a whole new mode of looking at the world.” 13 This new way of looking unleashes, Bly believes, the creative spirit and ability to discard old and immature personal structures. This in turn activates the imagination and opens up the possibilities of seeing new meanings in life.

Without initiation and a new perspective, Bly believes that, by the beginning of the twentieth century, adults had tended to regress toward adolescence while adolescents were resisting becoming adults. This created what he refers to as a “sibling society, in which adults will “not become mature because they do not become lined up with their ancestors. They can’t figure out how to look downward to the depth or upward to the divine.” 14

Larry Pesavento has a similar perspective to Bly’s views of the crisis of the uninitiated, particularly about what he characterizes as male burnout. Pesavento attributes this to a failure in our society to endorse what he calls the male warrior ethic, which he feels undermines male emotional health. He believes most modern men find themselves empty, dissatisfied, and physically depleted. He cites a number of health studies that support his contention that modern men are riddled with physical and psychic pain. He advocates a men’s movement in the traditions of Bly and Meade and to seek a new mythic ideal he calls sudden brothers to release men from their “goal oriented numbness.” 15 He advocates a new view toward initiatory rites in which society supports the passage from boy to man. He concludes that reinventing authentic initiation provides a path to maturity and references the connection conceptualized by Jung’s collective unconscious. 16

Myth and folklore, in summary, comprise the storehouse of ancient human wisdom and communicate the subjective forms of betrayal and its complexities. Like childbirth, betrayal spans a continuum of pain, shock, separation, and transformation. The betrayed and betrayer suffer from self-imposed structures that need the freedom of a

Hermes moment, the invitation to initiation, and the obligation to be available to experience and authenticity. The absence of such an early rite of passage can deny the young and not so young needed stage of life transformations, raising the specter of inappropriate naiveté and innocence and self-betrayal. The maturity of recognizing the possibility of betrayal in one’s life can reflect a willingness to be open to trust and love.

The absence of initiation in modern society reflects stagnation in personal growth and stunts the possibility of seeing new meanings in life.

Theological and Philosophical Perspectives on Betrayal

Global cultural expression is obsessed with mystical revelation and particularly with the personal and communal betrayals that reveal the handprint of God. As in birth and death, the good and the bad are either blessed or tainted by divine intervention, and that betrayal is often named in the darker godly acts. The sacred is typically invoked both in traditional cultures and modern religions in the course of consecrating or blessing major events and ceremonies of change and transition. However, it is the perceived act of betrayal that provides the most nuanced and inventive analysis of God’s ways and the condition of the soul.

Houston suggests that betrayal can be a sacred event in which those places of naiveté are painfully stripped away and new opportunities revealed. Promise and hope are the rewards of accepting the wound of deception, and if denied, drive one into a cynical shell of distrust, isolation, and emotional immobility. Houston describes an endless spiral of defeat and numbness that comes about by not confronting loss, the result of which she describes as a self-betrayal. This devaluing of who we are and embracing “inauthentic suffering” is isolating and promises a purgatory of life without spiritual and emotional substance. 17

Mircea Eliade takes a spiritual look at initiation and its power to transform. He is particularly fascinated with the interaction between the world of humans and ancestors and the worlds of the supernatural, nature, animals, and the mystic cosmos of pre-modern men. He opines that we are part of a continuum of ancient myth. He suggests further that meaningful rites of initiation have disappeared within the modern context. He sees

29 modern society as divorced from the ecological, spiritual, and communal traditions of indigenous cultures. The modern paradigm in Eliade’s eyes is secular and bound by perceived longitudinal historical perspectives. Of particular note is Eliade’s view on the initiative event. He says,

The term initiation in the most general sense denotes a body of rites and oral teachings whose purpose is to produce a decisive alteration in the religious and social status of the person to be initiated. In philosophical terms, initiation is equivalent to a basic change in existential condition; the novice emerges from his ordeal endowed with a totally different being from that which he possessed before his initiation; he has become another. 18

Frits Evelein weighs in on the initiatory path and provides a personal reflection on the symbolism of the Easter story. Based on the works of Geoffrey Hadson, he approaches the Easter story from a multi-dimensional perspective, one which includes the development of the human being and its soul. He notes that Jesus needed to free himself of his last karmic barrier and still be of this earth and express himself. The site of the

Easter story, Gethsemane, means the place where oil is pressed. A press, suggests

Evelein, is the symbol of struggle and pressure required until the essence appears. He notes that it was here that the oil of Jesus’ wisdom was expressed and the husk of his body began its initiatory journey to the cross. The neophyte, Jesus, could only undergo initiation alone. He left everything behind him—even the inner parts of his personality— and made his way alone. Finally, on the cross, Jesus asked, “Why hast thou forsaken me?” It is a desolate image of utter loneliness and betrayal in his liminal moment on the brink of transformation. Evelein also suggests that the desperate question is a plea that ushers in the merging with the One: “It is the mystery of the dewdrop merging with the ocean. Sometimes it is referred as to as reaching the other side.” 19

Hillman has another view of archetypal betrayal and the spiritual father.

According to him, the Christian interpretation of God forsaking Jesus on the cross is that

God so loved the world that he gave his only son for its redemption. Hillman, however, believes that Jesus was betrayed and a necessary step in fulfilling Jesus’ role in forgiveness and redemption. In explaining this novel perspective, he looks beyond the inexplicable, beyond the context of a father’s love which could encompass the horror of the betrayal of a son. He says that “Betrayal—going back on a promise, refusing to help, breaking a secret, and deceiving in love—is too tragic an experience to be justified in personal terms.” 20 He believes that this context lies in the archetypes of myth, which suggests that such betrayals lead to the highest of religious feelings: forgiveness.

Forgiveness is only really meaningful, Hillman reflects, when the betrayal had been so deep and profound that the victim can neither forgive nor forget. 21

Kornfeld also talks about hitting the bottom of betrayal, embracing it, and using it in the path of revelation. He sees the act of betrayal as a teaching and learning moment.

He welcomes it as an uninvited initiation which strips away the illusions of innocence and ushers in the possibility of learning the truths within our self. He sees the practice of

Buddhism that involves taking stock and confronting our personal fantasies and illusions as assisting in this inward voyage of revelation and compassion. Kornfeld encourages us to become aware and confront the betrayals of others and ourselves as a step toward making amends and finding peace and freedom. 22

Complementing Kornfeld, Moore addresses the modern phenomenon, as he conceives it, of the collective betrayal of modern society losing its soul. He thoughtfully addresses ways for reclaiming this elusive concept and maintains that we can find peace

31 and contentment from the anxiety of modern life. A principle thesis of Moore’s is that we owe it to ourselves to be self-aware. It is this self-awareness that gives the concept of soul its texture, depth, and great meaning. As Moore notes, “‘Soul’ is not a thing, but a quality or a dimension of experiencing life and ourselves.” 23 He suggests that to value what we have—to cherish our present experience rather than a fictional “what if” fantasy— provides substance, meaning, and deep satisfaction in life. Moore literally grounds the idea of the soul by noting that it is through the symptoms and the cracks in a smoothly functioning life that we perceive the important truths and history about ourselves. 24

Healing and relief from interpersonal treachery imagined in theological discussions on transformation are characterized as the act or path to redemption.

Redemption is a hazy and complex term, as multi-faceted as the terms betrayal, victim, and scapegoat. In Christian terms, redemption is seen as Christ dying for our sins, a sacrificial death that procures freedom from a life of sin and suffering. Also, it was

Christ’s obligation to free man from bondage of the law and to create the possibility of a new life in him. In this case, it is related to the Greek word lutroo, meaning to obtain release by the payment of a price. It is also related to the Greek word agorazo, meaning among other things to redeem by payment of a price, to recover from the power of another, and to make wise and sacred use of every opportunity for doing good. The result is “that zeal and well doing are as it were the purchase money by which we make the time our own.” Agorazo can also mean to ransom; figuratively, to rescue from loss.25 This study uses the term redemption as sacrificing something of self, such as surrender of tightly held subjectivities, in the pursuit of transformation.

C. T. Rotenberg believes that redemption consists of defining one’s life in terms of the essence of one’s talents, inherited qualities, passions, and landed traditions.

Whatever the cost of opposing social conventions, the imperative of autonomy and integrity requires realizing our inner talents and gifts to their fullest. This is, Rotenberg argues, the principle of personal freedom, affirmed as the only principle by which one can live with integrity. Redemption is achieved through being true to oneself; not being constant to a personal and authentic compass is the road to “enslavement and personal dissolution, in whatever form. The trauma of alienation can be offset by the triumph of creative realization. Ultimate triumph consists of a consolidated identity.” 26

Rachel Newcombe posits that the a central tenet of redemption is that in order to redeem oneself, first there must be a clear understanding and acknowledgement of wrongdoing. She continues that awareness and understanding of a particular transgression must precede the admission, and she asks, “How exactly does a person become aware of something that they are not yet aware of?” In answering this question, our “psychoanalytic metapsychologies are revealed and what is eventually valued is that, on the path to redemption, experience changes everything.” 27 She writes that she struggled with the compounded pressures of accounting the ways she had been wronged without recognizing her own actions and how they harmed others. She contemplates that by taking serial responsibility for her own failings she is redeeming a past by making the past “something one can live with rather than something one is imprisoned in.” In considering Sigmund Freud’s (1914) technique paper, “Remembering, Repeating and

Working-Through,” she suggests a more appropriate title is “Remembering, Repeating, and Redemption.” 28

The experience of betrayal often has the feeling of the hand of God, the disinterested and arbitrary mover of cataclysmic events; bad things happen to good people and the mystery is salvation and redemption. Houston suggests that betrayal can be a sacred event of accepting and confronting loss as well as an integral part of ancient myth and initiation. It is the event that frees us from life’s karmic barrier, a sense that life is predestined and immutable, and a preparation for spiritual reawakening. 29 It is the thing that cracks the smoothly functioning life and reawakens self-awareness. With clarity of vision, there is a turning to redemption for our sins.

Psychological Research on Betrayal

Psychodynamic Perspectives on Betrayal-Shame

A focal point of Psychological Research on Betrayal is the dynamic of the emotional experience and the affects that are tied to betrayal. Emotion is about motion, movement, and external expressions of behavior within the framework of the stimulation of events and certain dynamic environments. Emotion theory and neuroscience tell us emotions are essential vehicles for adaption and survival. The core and categorical emotions include fear, anger, sadness, joy, and disgust. They are wired into both the soma and psyche and have specific patterns and arousal triggers which are characterized by their own biological signatures. Certain expressions of anger and rage are recognized with a physiological profiles such as of fight or flight, a primeval physical preparation for combat or retreat. Being aware of and having the ability to express emotions is essential in conveying personal information and responding to others. It is the social medium in which complex interactions are usually facilitated; when it is not, it is marked by

34 dissonance and confusion. Without this ability sense and transmission of emotional cues, the individual is an isolated cypher. Emotions allow individuals to interact with their environment in a way that both reflects and educates while communicating to others their status of receptivity and engagement.

Diane Fosha observes that “Mediating interactions between self and environment, emotions are sources of information and personal meaning, and underlie experiences of authenticity and liveliness.” 30 She writes that the capacity to have the full, in-depth experience of emotion, without defenses and anxiety or shame, reflects a state of transformation. By being aware of sensations of the body, through somatic consciousness, a transformational process is activated. In this state, the individual has access to that which defenses had previously identified as off limits, that is, unconscious material as well as previously unavailable emotional resources.

The complete absorption, she adds, in a specific experience of a particular core emotion attracts a complex constellation of feelings, memories, perceptions, sensations, and other representations, and makes available the previously unconscious material tied to or associated with the emotion. It also releases the adaptive tendencies linked to that emotion. The adaptive tendencies released by the experience of categorical emotion give one access to new resources, renewed energy, and an adaptive range of behaviors. Even when the emotion is depressive, uncomfortable, or painful, such as in the case of shame, the adaptive action tendencies that emerge upon its completion generate a state that is eventually positive. For instance, the adaptive action tendencies that become fully realized by fully experienced shame may include clarity, perspective, wisdom, and acceptance, as well as a new and affirmative embrace of life. Fasha believes the

35 individual's responses reflect access to new emotional information that was not accessible prior to the complete experience of the emotion. This access creates clarity previously lacking when emotional resources were engaged in warding off emotional experiences that were potentially overwhelming and unbearable; the individual now is empowered to act on his own behalf. 31

Judith Lewis Herman narrows this discussion as she describes the subjective experience of shame as an initial shock and flooding with painful emotion. Shame is a relatively wordless state, one in which speech and thought are blocked and inhibited. It is an acutely self-conscious state; the person feels small, ridiculous, and exposed. There is a wish to hide, characteristically expressed by covering the face with the hands. Herman continues that the person wishes to “sink through the floor” or “crawl in a hole and die.”

32 Shame is always implicitly a relational experience. According to Helen Lewis, “Shame is one’s own vicarious experience of the other’s scorn. The self-in-the eyes-of-the-other is the focus of awareness . . . The experience of shame often occurs in the form of imagery, of looking or being looked at . . . which the whole self is condemned.” 33 Thus, shame represents a complex form of mental representation in which the person is able to imagine the mind of another.

Nathanson focuses on human emotions, particularly shame, and how and why emotions are expressed, as well as their interactions with human biology and chemistry.

He is interested in the affects, or feelings, of shame and pride and how their polarity interacts and moves the sense of self. Nathanson sees people as basically isolated and as pulled and shaped by their environment into making social connections that support the framework of their social container. He observes that if love is considered the most

36 emotionally powerful and confirming connection between humans, then shame could be seen as the most primal and isolating state of being. Shame, he notes, has many other meanings, but its overwhelming message is that it makes us feel that we are unlovable.

We all have very personalized shame scripts, he writes, based on our own unique interpersonal experiences and “great vigilance is needed to monitor life for the possibility of shame, to prevent it wherever possible, and to limit its toxicity when it cannot be prevented.” 34 Often our story is made and remade to correct and hide perceived shameful history or less than ideal behaviors. Nathanson says that these behaviors are the self- defining scripts that reflect who we are and how we personally integrate disparate and seemingly conflicting parts of our psyche. The defense script lived, however, disconnects us from feelings of trueness to our feelings and sense of self. .35

Nathanson also suggests that when no portion of the experience of shame is acceptable, an “attack other” mode becomes attractive in deflecting affect. 36 He notes that our culture is replete with the shamed and downtrodden transforming themselves in a magical moment, whether in a western gun fight or on the dance floor, where the shy introvert is transformed into a strong and dominant figure. He uses the example of the mild-mannered and grieving Dr. Banner, who upon receiving an inadvertent dose of radiation, has the capacity to transform into a tower of righteous rage in the form of the

Incredible Hulk. The Hulk is the preternatural and mythic epitome of wild and unconstrained rage, curiously focused on those who are agents of evil. He is, however, a little too wild and crazy, and the character lives on the edge of madness. Nathanson continues, “Notwithstanding our wish for power, we are all afraid of the Hulk within

37 us.” 37 It is a rage of childhood terror that knows it cannot be protected by the “loving other.” 38

A belief in one’s lovability depends on one’s history and conviction of parental love, and to some degree on the strength of the love of other intimates. When the child’s expectation of love and protection from their parents or others in intimate relationships is not met, the child’s narcissistic balance is interrupted because the failed expectations resonate with a sense of being deprived. The degree of the expectation determines the depth of the narcissistic hurt and the subsequent inner emptiness or injured bond may feel unbearable. It is the desire to repair this narcissistic blow, “to undo the sense of having been robbed of one's birthright—that motivates a person, rightly or wrongly, realistically or unrealistically, to forgive the intimate other.” 39

Issues of self-worth and being unlovable are studied by Jennifer J. Freyd and

Melissa Platt as they explore the link between trauma, negative underlying assumptions

(NUAs), and feelings of shame. They summarize that NUAs are the result of mediating early life stress and the development of core beliefs of the self as unlovable or incompetent. This leads to what they identify as “thinking errors,” such as a young person called silly and worthless by a caretaker who subsequently adopts a core belief of personal incompetence. They caution that in an abusive and dangerous environment, even extremely negative NUAs could be seen as adaptive self-preservation in the victim adopting a rigid belief of “if I make a mistake I am worthless.” The researchers found that people who scored high on NUAs were more likely to have sustained a traumatic experience, were more sensitized to shame in the face of criticism, and generally exhibited a strong vulnerability to shame. 40

Psychodynamic Perspectives on Betrayal

Like Nathanson, Stephen M. Johnson is interested in defensive postures as revealed by character styles. He creates a theoretical and research-based system for understanding basic personality types (e.g., schizoid, symbiotic, narcissistic). He provides a detailed description of these personality types and a developmental insight on diagnosis and treatment of related neuroses. His descriptive cataloguing of character styles (e.g., the hated child) is particularly creative and useful. 41 Of particular interest are Johnson’s views regarding the cause and effect of personal feelings of loss and abandonment, which are some of the chief feelings in reaction to betrayal. He traces the precursors of neurosis to parental experience and the unconscious motivations of caretakers in shaping their children’s psychological landscape. In the case of the narcissistic false self, for example, rejection from a narcissistic parent can result in feelings of “intense lack of support and understanding, profound worthlessness and humiliation.” 42 In this environment, narcissists will react intensely, marshaling all their talents to avoid feelings of abandonment. Working through these overwhelming feelings of depression and abandonment can allow transformation of the false self to a state of autonomy and integration.

There are many models that provide a framework for considering acts and threats to social acceptance as a potential medium for change. For example, Laura Smart

Richman and Mark R. Leary note that individual reactions to threats such as rejection and betrayal as well as discrimination and ostracism are similar across different forms of rejection in terms of “negative affect and lowered self-esteem.” The authors note,

39 however, that following their immediate responses, people’s reactions are differentiated by their particular betrayal experience, and they go on to describe the factors that affect motives for this response to rejection. For example, their model predicts that a person who has been devalued but holds strong expectations of repairing the relationship shows signs of being motivated to repair that relationship. Further, the authors state that rejection leads people to become more aware of interpersonal signals and to take non- conscious actions to adjust their behaviors to increase other’s partiality for them. These

“cognitions” do not stop the acts of rejection but temporarily soothe feelings of being denied serious relationships. 43

Attachment and Loss

Freud addressed early on the human attraction to identifying with a narcissistic and self-defining story rather than with reality-based loss and the pain of grief. He notes that there is a correlation between both of these “painful unpleasure” conditions, but the difference is that melancholia (i.e., depression in the more modern context) is a generalized inability to derive satisfaction from life, whereas grief is a painful but normal process in reaction to the loss of a loved one. 44 A melancholic perceives such loss in a more ideal and abstract frame. He is drawn by the idea of the loss rather than to the object of the loss, or as Freud puts it, “he knows whom he has lost but not what he has lost.” 45

Melancholics’ loss reflects on themselves rather than on the absence of the one who was loved. There lies an unconscious nexus of loss that anchors two very different ways of holding: one through normal grieving and the other in a kind of suspended animation

40 wherein shame is suppressed and the ego image is expressed as a never-ending and static story of victimization and tragedy.

But what is the difference between mourning and melancholia asks Michael

Gondry. He argues that mourning is not just a process of forgetting but also of remembering. The mourner must withdraw his emotional attachment to the lost object to be ready for a new attachment. This involves working through memories and emotions attached to the lost object, leading eventually to re-engagement with the external world.

He describes this as “a process of negating a negation, deleting a lack…overcoming death and loss” and eventually leading to new investment in the world of love. 46 The loss becomes part of the ego identified with the shadowed part of the love object, which is idealized and inaccessible. The melancholic remains faithful to the flawless shadow, addicted to honoring the object that is no longer there. Like Norman Bates in “Psycho,” melancholics cannot mourn so they choose to preserve their loved one’s shadow. 47

However, there is something missing in Freud’s view, according to Gondry. What is lacking may be filled by Melanie Klein’s belief that mourning and melancholia give rise to a temporary regression, or what she calls the depressive position. She sees loss as a particular experience of early childhood, such as weaning, that leads to the infantile depressive position. The child internalizes the good aspects of the good breast and constructs a secure inner place that is not threatened by external loss. Gondry believes this emphasis on loss replaces the dichotomy that guided the initial reading of Freud’s article because it stresses the elements of ambivalence and identification. Klein, he believes, sees both positions (i.e., the mourner and the melancholic) as depressive and similar. He believes that, for Klein, mourning is not to forget or overcome the love or the

41 lost person, but to remember him as a positive inner object that is part of the lost object.

This does not take place until the loss is acknowledged. This allows identification with the lost object; that is, preserving the object while acknowledging the loss. The caveat is that, in mourning, the positive aspects of the object are internalized, whereas in melancholia, it is the negative parts. The melancholic lacks the capacity to find and hold the good internal object. 48

The melancholic and mourner dichotomy is addressed in a more generalized analysis on the way two different realities are held. Griffen has strong views about how the dualistic and reductionist paradigm of today has influenced popular cultural opinions of truth. He describes the move from modern, mechanistic science to a post-modern, organismic science. Griffin summarizes the way in which the mechanistic view led to disenchantment with science and the various reasons for the reversal of this process in our time. In our society, he says, there are strong black-and-white mindsets in which important interpersonal relationships are seen in a dualistic, good-versus-bad paradigm.

Griffen defines the term dualism a number of ways, including as the polarities of “an actual and ideal world,” “good and evil,” and “mind and body.” 49 He notes that these meanings become problematic in that they rarely reflect the multiplicity and broad continuum of everyday living and also because they make certainty of emotional commitment a test rather than a dialogue. 50

There exist many dualist structures of good-bad and black-white; D. W. Winnicott and Melanie Klein’s the good-breast and bad-breast comes to mind. They postulate that in the process of early childhood development, the landscape of toddlers is littered with missed opportunities, failed connections, and incomplete transitions. One can ask how

42 many infants miss the cues even if the mother is somehow equipped to nurture. Winnicott notes that children who are denied the “good enough mother” are in reality not weaned but simply stopped from breast-feeding. 51 One day the breast is there/ and the next it is not. For such children, the preverbal transitional process is incomplete, the object fuzzy or non-existent, and the omnipotent experience absent. The psyche moves to un-mediated black and white extremes of “you love me…you love me not, which are susceptible to violation and crossing that too bright line of trust. Winnicott states, “Transitional objects and transitional phenomena belong to the realm of illusion which is at the basis of initiation of experience.” 52 Such early developmental experience can create pre-verbal feelings of abandonment and perhaps also a predisposition to anticipate such feelings in the future.

As Louise Kaplan observes, the physical and psychological changes that make a toddler’s acceptance of this separateness possible are recognition of mother, of others, and of the growing advantages of mobility. It is impossible to satisfy the child’s grandiose experience of the surrounding environment just as it is impossible for a mother to satisfy the uninitiated child’s explosive learning curve and complex dilemma of a second birth. The normal imperfection and fallibility of the mother necessitate the eventual betrayal of an infant’s glorious illusion and “unconditional bliss of oneness” with the mother. 53

This failure more often than not goes back to the early relationship with the mother, notes Coline Covington, in which the mother’s own emotional desires, such as her own early needs for a responsive and nurturing mother, make her frightened or overwhelmed by her baby’s needs; as a result, she is unable to receive the baby’s signals

43 for care and to differentiate these from her own. If this process goes wrong, there is never a strong enough attachment able to support separation. Sometimes, weaning from the breast becomes impossible, and “there is no safe container for imagination and thought to unfold.” 54 The mixed or negative messages the child receives at this early stage of development lead to feelings of worthlessness and to confusion which in turn can lead to a “perpetual attempt to deny reality, to deny desire and loss, just as the parents have done.” 55

On the other hand, the mother is paramount in building within the infant’s psyche the existence of a within and without; that is, differentiating within the infant’s world the objective world and the subjective world. Winnicott reasons that it is the mother’s task to gradually disillusion the child, but she cannot do it unless the infant over time can both create an imaginal breast out of love and need and then experience the actual breast. This transitional phenomenon represents early stages of using illusion and develops the child’s imagination to have a relationship with an external object. This supports the infant’s understanding of illusion and disillusion which is critical to weaning and the disengagement with the breast as well as the acceptance of the outer reality.

The task of reality acceptance is in constant formation and is probably a lifelong endeavor. The tension of relating to inner and outer reality generates the need to relieve the strain and dissonance of the opposing but related spheres of experience and creates an intermediate area of experience. This intermediate area is evident in a child’s total concentration and commitment to plan and is necessary for the initiation of relationships between the child and the world, all of which is made possible by good-enough mothering. Supporting this process is a constant emotional environment as well as

44 availability of transitional objects. These transitional phenomena in adults can provide a personal intermediate area such as that “experienced in congress with others through religion and philosophy.” 56

Israel Charney sees the spirit of problem solving and mediating as arising from the family unit, pointing to both its ability to inflict pain and to provide a platform for mediation and healing. He sees the emotional turmoil and the elements around the experience of betrayal as part of a normative maturation process. Charney has a unique and powerful view of the family, not as a haven from the stress and aggression of the outer world but as a cauldron of injustice and betrayal. The family unit harbors both those who are closest emotionally and so also are those most likely to do emotional harm. He further notes four intrinsic qualities in humans that support aggression and destructiveness: explosive and destructive energy, the tendency to corrupt power, a never-ending state of anxiety and awareness of risk, and the necessity to keep a distance from close relationships. He describes anger as the vehicle for separating the mother and child and which assist in eventual individuation. Finally, Charney says that this is a good thing; that is, the family has the strength to nurture and contain this stress, anger, and hostility. He says that a raucous and stressful family allows individual members to express their pain and serves the process of maturation and growth. 57

Betrayal as Trauma

A review of tracts addressing Betrayal as Trauma gives the impression that the word betrayal is a verb or event rather than a state of being. That is, many readings examine the effect to the exclusion of affect. In these cases, the condition of betrayal is

45 configured as a place or thing, or to a lesser extent the statistical probability of recovering or not from the harm of betrayal. Because of this general inability to define the subjective meaning of betrayal, it is helpful to examine its root expressions and its affects and manifestations. At its essential level, the traumatic breaking of trust is a transgression of a

“trusting” and close relationship. It is an overwhelming and sometimes enduring experience that differentiates disappointment and heartache from the shattering trauma that shreds and destroys personal structures of trust and stability.

Many life events can traumatize but the most devastating is the sudden destruction of trust. Anna Freud noted five elements that may influence how trauma is held. She first points out that trauma are subject to the nature of the event as well of the intensity of what happened. Trauma can be amplified and become increasingly damaging by multiple events, especially by a history of betrayals. The developmental maturity of the subject, particularly in early childhood, can contribute to meaning making and the evolution of inner structures. Finally, the social and family environment makes a tremendous difference, whether it is protective of a vulnerable ego, such as a child’s, or sustains the traumatic event and continues to distort ego development. These and other factors can influence how betrayal is perceived, integrated, and processed. 58

Mark B. Borg suggests that traumatized individuals may blame themselves or their community for the failure to prevent the painful experiences in the first place.

Depressed individuals tend to strike at what is perceived to be the fountainhead of their misery, and their attack is usually self- directed and self-destructive. According to Borg,

“the murderous rage of the depressed person is visible when the target becomes the self . .

. ” and when it is” . . . born of un-grieved loss and intractable depression.” He continues

“. . . fury takes the manic turn, finds an adequate target (representing the lost other), attacks, and ultimately induces a reaction-response from the significant other.” 59 This manic expression differs, Borg observes, from depression in part in that the attention and response of the other is demanded.

Donald Kalshed suggests that such a traumatic experience has the power to erase chunks of the human experience such that a person subjected to deep trauma may not have access to important and related parts of their personal history. 60 He continues to say that such events threaten the basis of the human experience to the extent that one can feel as if the sense of self and spirit has been erased. He uses the terms annihilation and disintegration of the human spirit when describing the impact of trauma. He explains that the threat of trauma can create “disintegration anxiety,” which can threaten the loss of the human personality and can cause the destruction of the human spirit.

Kalshed imagines a transitional space that is defined as an area between the inner and outer world, and in which the personality resides somewhere between the imagination and reality. He states that this transitional space, where a child learns to play and use symbols, can be damaged. Intense and repeated exposure to trauma can extinguish this space and the capacities for creative imagination and replace it with a disassociated state of fantasy. 61

Robin L. Gobin’s betrayal trauma theory suggests that individuals suffer early social and cognitive impacts and develop unconscious survival strategies in the face of traumatic betrayal. These strategies are particularly focused on dissociation and lack of betrayal awareness which make reoccurrence of betrayal more likely. The purpose of her study was to examine the relationship between adverse life experiences and preferences

47 for romantic partners. More specifically, what is the impact of maltreatment and trauma in interpersonal relationships on the preference for future partners? It was anticipated that people who had been abused by romantic partners would value trust more than others who had a low incidence of abusive partners. However, Gobin found that persons with a history of abusive relationships were more likely to rate the qualities of trustworthiness and sincerity as less desirable in romantic partners than those with a limited history of betrayal. Findings also suggested that these participants in the study rated traits associated with perpetrators of high betrayal traumas as more desirable than those who had no or minimal betrayal experience. This trend was also consistent in that high betrayal participants also rated the quality of loyalty in a romantic partner less desirable than those with less betrayal in their history. 62

It is every child’s inevitable fate, states Lawrence Josephs, to be betrayed by those closest, first their mother and then their father. The omnipotent baby begins a long slide as a result of the inadvertent and targeted actions of its parents. The baby incrementally disengages from the breast of dependence, with ultimately all the ties that bind it severed.

It is difficult enough to live through the natural experiment of being either “the quick or the dead,” but the practiced disengagement of parenthood is designed to erode trust and build insecurity. Josephs observes that the inevitable disappointments of childhood seem like a betrayal of trust because children cannot help but assume that their god-like protective parents are bound and contracted to always be there, to nurse their hurts, and salve their bruised egos. For a child, the promise is eternal and the powers of protection are mythic. 63

When the contract for protection is violated, Josephs continues, it seems as though the trust the child had innocently and naïvely placed in the parents has been broken.

Joseph states, “The fantasy of the implicit parental promise is a derivative expression of the child's infantile narcissism in which the parents seem to guarantee a future of narcissistic bliss in exchange for adapting to the currently frustrating reality.” Perhaps willingly surrendering to parental privations in the present will be rewarded with denied or forbidden pleasure in the future. This fantasy makes the child vulnerable to seduction and betrayal because the child always wishes for the parent to promise more than can be realistically delivered. According to Josephs, “Thus a classic conflict of wish, danger and defense is generated: surrender in anticipation of a promise fulfilled leading to dread of betrayal, leading to defenses against betrayal trauma.” 64

Josephs imagines that the infant lives in a world of implicit parental promise; if the infant trusts in the constancy of a caretaker who is clearly separate from the self and beyond outside control, that infant will never be disappointed. Josephs concludes:

“Betrayal of that trust may lead to a defensive self-sufficiency or a belief that one can only depend on someone who can be omnipotently controlled.” 65 One can imagine that an implicit promise has been made that if the toddler accepts parental control, he will be rewarded for exercising self-control by becoming as expert in life as the parents seem to be. Josephs states, “Betrayal of that promise may lead to defenses against the indignity of having to submit to tyrannical authority figures, be it through open defiance, pseudo- compliance, or becoming a tyrannical authority oneself.” 66

The aptitude to accurately detect social contracts is the subject of Anne P.

Deprince’s article on social cognition and risk of re-victimization. She writes that the

49 ability to sense individuals not worthy of trust is important in avoiding relationships with a likelihood of being cheated or damaged. Detecting violations of trust, however, may in itself be dangerous in certain situations, such as a victim dependent on the good graces of a perpetuator. Particularly in the case of a child, the victim needs to preserve some kind of attachment and to become desensitized or disassociated from the abuse. In these cases, continues Deprince, “the victim may develop problems in detecting violations . . . ” and later become less competent in detecting violations of social contracts and in turn become more at risk of later becoming re-victimized. Deprince’s study had participants detect three different kinds of violations of conditional trust: abstract; rules relating to social contracts; and precautionary rules around safety. Participants who reported experiences of re-victimization made more errors on rules involving social contract and precautionary rules than those with no history of victimization. 67

Freyd is recognized for introducing the terms betrayal trauma and betrayal trauma theory with her proposal that betrayal of trust creates a schism between “external reality and a necessary system of social dependence.” 68 She says that in such deep betrayals, there may be a simultaneous traumatic physical event, such as rape, along with the shattering of trust. Many childhood traumas share these elements. Freyd further states that the emotional pain associated with deep betrayal is both a product of human evolution and a trigger for changing social relationships and structures.

She observes that it is not a rational survival trait to forgive and re-attach to someone who has a history of inflicting harm and of betrayal. However, there are understandable exceptions to this in cases where the individual betrayed is dependent on or incapable of leaving the betrayer, such as a child or an emotionally dependent adult. In

50 those cases, particularly with children, the act of betrayal or abuse does not inhibit the attachment behaviors. Withdrawal from an abusive caregiver could threaten the child’s life, and as a consequence the child who is in a self-protective mode may not consciously remember the abuse..69 The power of trauma to distort perceptions and reality extends to the broader context of emotional convictions and what is perceived as the truth of the relationship. Wilfred Bion speaks of the notion that “the truth will out,” particularly in a non-controlled, emotionally laden situation. He says that in psychotherapy, “the truth is the trauma” and that truth is not so much the veracity of the moment but the trustworthy other who will reflect the imperfect truth. 70 David Bell says the word truth makes people nervous, so they are likely to ask, “Whose truth?” He continues that people disagree about what truth is and about its relative perspective. “Held knowledge,” Bell observes, can be a “substitute for truth” and this particular knowledge has a tendency to “substitute truth for wishful illusions.” 71

Rachel E. Goldsmith, et al., notes that betrayal trauma, the violation of a trusting relationship, is associated with various psychological and physical conditions, but few studies have addressed the relationship between different forms of trauma and physical problems. This study compared other forms of trauma as predictors of physical and psychological problems and explored a variety of mediators. The results of the study showed that betrayal traumas were predictive of stress symptoms including anxiety, depression, dissociation and physical health issues. 72

Betrayal and Forgiveness

Betrayal and Forgiveness can be real or imagined, suggests Block, depending on the maturity of the partnership and the personal emotional development of the betrayed.

The unreal expectation of a love-trust relationship can fail under the weight of an insecure and idealistic soul. He thinks that, over time, intimate confidences can be weakened by real and imagined betrayals, which undermine the foundation of trust. He reviews the elements that influence past relationships: dealing with jealousy, which he calls the destroyer of trust; saving the relationship after an affair; and knowing when it is time to leave. In particular, he notes, we have to be realistic about our expectations for intimacy and bonding. When these expectations are not conscious, stated, or realistic, it is easy to feel betrayed when we have not been. Block asserts that betrayal implies a broken promise; it is not betrayal when no such promise was made. He notes that often we may have wanted something from a love interest that was unaware of the expectation and never agreed to give it.

For example, love partners often have expectations for each other that are un-said.

One may imagine how the other will integrate into their family, what role they will play, how they will honor such things as anniversaries. When these expectations are not met, there can be a sense of betrayal. They can be imagined as implicit tests of loyalty, such as a man accusing his lover of disloyalty when she fails to take his side in an argument with a mutual friend. Not only has she been unaware of his concept of loyalty, but she can cite an instance in which he did the same thing to her. 73 Block points out the relative nature of betrayal in that if your expectations are not realistic, it is easy to feel betrayed when

52 you have not been. 74 Betrayal implies a broken promise; sometimes it is not betrayal when no such promise was made.

Using qualitative data analysis, Arianne Kim Schratter focused on perceptions of betrayal and concludes that betrayal can fall into three categories of violation of expectations. These are the expectation that those closest to us will: maintain core principles of the relationship, including honesty and thoughtfulness; provide emotional support; and behave in the best interest of all concerned. The study indicated that males and females differed in the kinds of betrayals reported and the effect on their relationships. It was further revealed that relationships reportedly improved if forgiveness was discussed following a betrayal but deteriorated if not. 75

This discussion is pursued by MeowLan Evelyn Chan in her discussion of

“attribution-based typology of betrayal” in which she makes a distinction between incidental and intentional betrayal. As the category suggests, incidental betrayal occurs in the perpetuator’s pursuit of egoistical or ideological goals while the intentional betrayer is focused on harming the victim or avenging real or imagined harm. 76 How the victim holds these kinds of betrayal is dependent on the victim’s social context and history of betrayal as well as the victim’s own cognitive processing structure and personality.

The victim’s perception of the type and degree of the betrayal is also influenced by the nature of the betrayal and how the betrayer responds to repair the relationship. 77

William E. Haley and Bonnie R. Strickland found that depression had a significant effect on a betrayal relationship: depressed subjects were more punitive toward and critical of and reacted more aggressively to the betraying partner than non-depressed subjects.

These findings appear to be contrary to many psychodynamic theories, they note, in

53 which the depressed tend to less aggressive in expressions of hostility. The researchers’ mood data also revealed that persons in the midst of betrayal respond with notable degrees of hostility, anxiety and depression which are revealed in mixed emotional expressions. 78 Fitness focuses on categories of interpersonal betrayal, suggesting that any kind of relational transgression may be considered by those in a relationship as betrayal.

The most common betrayal between partners is sexual and emotional infidelity with their attendant acts of lies and deception. The result to the person betrayed can include feelings of emotional pain and humiliation and of being treated with disrespect. The affective reactions often include shame, anger, and the emotion of hate. Fitness further notes that some betrayers actually may believe their intentions were good, that they were doing their victims a favor. Revenge may follow, literally making the betrayer share the pain of the betrayal. Betrayers will sometimes be forgiven, depending on the act and the level of the empathic connection. The long-term consequences depend on whether one asks the betrayer or the betrayed. A quarter of the betrayers in her study, for example, claimed that their act improved the relationship, while in a different question more than 89 percent of the betrayed said it damaged or destroyed it. 79

This inability to take responsibility for a betrayal implies that the shame applies universally to both the betrayer as well as the betrayed. Fitness concludes that betrayal is so devastating because it exposes the reality of a trusted person who does not care and devalues and sometimes even destroys the perceived relationship. Fitness examines the various facets of interpersonal betrayal. Betrayal, she says, is to deceive or mislead, to reveal secrets, and to disappoint the hopes or expectations of others. In interpersonal relations, she notes, betrayal usually occurs in a relationship where the principals are

54 involved with and trust each other. To the person betrayed, the act can result in feeling isolated, diminished, and rejected. 80

Particularly in the act of forgiveness, betrayal holds the power to distort meaning and outcomes. Nathaniel G. Wade and Everett L. Worthington Jr. suggest that you can be betrayed, hold the shame, and let it move you to another state of being yet still retain the concept of un-forgiveness. Worthington and Wade define un-forgiveness as the traumatic and delayed emotions of resentment, hostility, hatred, bitterness, anger, and fear (in any combination) that are developed after the harm event. They hypothesize that an offender's conciliatory and remorseful actions stimulate an emotion in the victim such as sympathy, compassion, support, or love. These emotions are out of sync and even contrary to the emotions that are associated with un-forgiveness such as bitterness and hatred. They say these emotions can lead to empathy for the offender, causing the victim to identify positively with the offender and possibly to understand the situations or experiences that led to the hurt or offense. Furthermore, they say the fact that some people report they have achieved complete forgiveness and generally feel little un-forgiveness suggests that when people forgive, they do reduce the sense of un-forgiveness. 81

When a bond is “intrapsychically significant,” notes Shahrzad Siassi, there is a wish to reinstate it and so reconstitute a damaged narcissistic equilibrium. 82 At such times of decision, forgiveness is an unconscious expression of the need for human relationships and of the preference for quality over quantity in the experience of life. The lessening of anger and the lowering of defenses that follow successful mourning allow for a softening of the superego; this is both a prerequisite for and a consequence of forgiveness. Ultimately, forgiveness allows for the renewal of an accepting and

55 potentially more loving relationship with oneself and the world as well as the other. It is this re-creation of the narcissistic balance through the realigning of internal relationships that gives forgiveness its importance and its potential for emotional maturity. Thus forgiveness, by aiming for narcissistic self-stabilization, holds a unique place in the analytical context. Siassi concludes, “It goes beyond acceptance and reconciliation in uniting and binding the self with previously lost or discarded internal objects whose absence or negative presence was disruptive to the sense of self.” 83

In another forgiveness study, Miriam Varda, Konstam Chernoff, and Sara

Deveney evaluated the effectiveness of a model that explained the variance between men and women. Using the concept of total forgiveness, they determined that there is a difference between the sexes. They considered such variables as the capacity to hold guilt, resistance to anger, and detachment in women as well as age and pride in men. The authors noted early studies in which high school boys were much more likely to dismiss friendship violations while girls tended to prolong their retaliatory behavior. Furthermore, the authors note that men and women attached different meanings to the process of forgiving. They report that women valued the process of forgiveness and tended to view it important in successful relationships. Interestingly, pride in boys as well as in men was associated with the ability to forgive, and pride was related to increased self-esteem, which supports the idea of forgive and forget. Men, on the other hand, had greater difficulty viewing forgiveness as a vital component in relationships. Another reported difference was that women were more inclined to believe they must forgive in order to heal, whereas men did not share this view. 84

How betrayal constitutes and is impacted by certain types of behavior is examined by Laurie Couch, Warren H. Jones, and Danny S. Moore. In their research, they found that not only can reconciliation of partners occur during a betrayal event but that two factors have a significant effect on whether a relationship terminates. Actively apologizing and asking forgiveness has a soothing effect on the betrayed partner and is an important first step in repairing the relationship. The second factor, the expression of a commitment to continue the relationship, reinforces structural elements of the union and supports the engagement of emotional issues regarding healing and finding a paradigm satisfactory to each party. 85 E. J. Finkel, et al., highlighted the role of commitment in initiating and supporting forgiveness. They suggest that the victims’ ego-oriented response to a betrayal, including holding a grudge and exacting vengeance, collide with the motivation for strong relationship. They argue that the “commitment-forgiveness” association rests more on persistence of intention rather than on “long-term orientation or psychological attachment.” 86

Laura B. Luchies, et al., approach forgiveness from interdependence theory and evolutionary psychology to propose that forgiveness is not necessarily related to positive feelings. Their study tested the hypothesis that forgiveness is dependent on enhancing the victims’ self-respect and self-concept through the ability of the perpetuators to convince the victims that they will be safe and valued in a sustained relationship. The victims must feel that by forgiving an act of betrayal, self-respect and self-concept will be enhanced.

However, if the perpetuators are not successful in making amends, there is a consequent diminishment of self-respect and self-concept with forgiveness negatively impacting the sense of self. They conclude that in withholding forgiveness from betrayers who have not

57 communicated and convinced the victims that they will be safe and valued in a continued relationship, victims might avoid damage to their sense of self and view of themselves as a human doormat. 87

In summary, the degree that an offender can be forgiven is dependent the nature of the act, the depth shame felt and a capacity for empathy of the parties involved. It is believed that shame is an affect of betrayal tied to the perception of being unlovable; it can turn into righteous anger in response to the absence of the loving other. This loss speaks to the relationship of early attachment to transitional objects and the impacts on the capacity to experience initiation and to mediate black and white extremes. Certain extreme and intense experiences overwhelm the psyche and traumatize the soul. The personal truth of the betrayal experience is as nuanced and multifaceted as a cubist painting of the avant-garde art movement. Truth is in the eye of the beholder as is the ability to forgive.

Imaginal Mythical Approaches to Betrayal

The primary concern of the imaginal approach is to explore the images of the psyche and the reclamation of the soul. This view provides the flexibility to explore archetypal and mythical images of the psyche and to provide a sensory and emotional platform from which to explore betrayal. The act and consequences of betrayal are a central theme of the human condition and are best expressed in story and myth, storehouses of ancient understanding and wisdom. It might be easier to identify myths with betrayal themes than those with them. It is important to note that this cluster includes a review of material loosely grouped under Imaginal Approaches to betrayal as

58 well as a summary of the theoretical frame for this study, Imaginal Transformative Praxis

(ITP). ITP, as formulated by Aftab Omer, is the practical application and exercise of imaginal theory that rests on becoming aware, enduring and transmuting imaginal structures, surrendering through creative action, and facilitating and celebrating the emergence of human capacities.

Mythical Approaches

Myth lays the foundation of learning about betrayal, this most common of human conditions. It holds the power of metaphor and gives an unconscious prodding in acknowledging past errors and successes in human relationships. Almost always the mythical story involves a dramatic moment when the protagonist either tragically falls or is redeemed in an initiatory event. A large proportion of fairy tales, including such childhood favorites as Little Red Riding Hood and The Pied Piper, feature a catastrophic breaking of trust. The value of myths, among other things, is the allegorical teaching regarding the transformative aspects of betrayal.

Betrayal carves a deep mythic path in a novel by Khaled Hoseini. The Kite

Runner is a tale about a child’s extraordinary life in Hoseini’s native Afghanistan during the Russian occupation of the late 1990s and the successive civil wars that followed.

Hoseini explores a childhood friendship between Amir and Hassan in the country’s capital city, Kabul. During this time, an act of childhood betrayal haunts Amir, and as the story unfolds, it is echoed in his father’s relationship with Amir’s best friend, Hassan. As an adult and immigrant to America, Amir is tortured by memories of not protecting his friend Hassan from a homosexual rape and of devaluing their friendship because Hassan

59 was a member of a persecuted ethnic minority, the Hazara. Subsequently he finds out that his best friend is not only his stepbrother but has been killed, leaving a young son. Amir’s journey to save Hassan’s son from war-torn Afghanistan is a story of initiation into manhood and acknowledgement of sins of his father as well as his own.88 (This story, incidentally, echoes the betrayal and journey of redemption in Joseph Conrad’s novel The

Heart of Darkness.) Hoseini suggests that Amir must face his personal betrayal of his childhood friend in order to begin his initiatory journey toward redemption.

Beth Hedya sees an archetypal pattern that is united with the mythic and that encompasses all forms of betrayal, including betrayal of the father, the beloved, the body, the self, and society. Hedya sees the agony and dislocation of betrayal as a necessary condition for a “sacred” initiation necessary to move from one state of being to the next.

She sees betrayal as an essential part of emotional alchemy, suffused with ancient knowledge and spirituality. 89 She argues that betrayal provides the shock and horsepower to move and transform the psyche from one experience to the next. Betrayal leads to symbolic death and provides the liminal space for the soul to weigh alternatives.

Hedya tells of the fairy tale princess and the frog prince to illustrate her thoughts about archetypal patterns originating in ancient and indigenous rites of initiation. She imagines how initiatory rituals allow us to find a path through the pain, separation, alienation, and shock of betrayal. The princess, for example, must confront the darkness in seeking her golden ball of enlightenment. More importantly, the princess must acknowledge her base impulses and move toward self-awareness in order to facilitate the frog’s transformation into a prince. The image of the princess smashing the frog against

60 the wall when he reminds her of her promise to him graphically represents the power of betrayal to transform consciousness. 90

Cousineau examines how we are all living out the myths that have been a part of humanity through the ages. Cousineau recounts the Sisyphus myth, the deep archetypal story of initiation and the role of betrayal. 91 Sisyphus resolved never to allow the gods to see him defeated by despair or to be a victim of his betrayal. Cousineau writes that

Sisyphus silently vowed that because his own fate was in his hands, he could be superior to it. “The hour of consciousness,” as Albert Camus called it, “is born out of the beauty that can be heard in the midst of our ordeals.” 92

Much like Sisyphus, his son-in-law, Atlas, was condemned to labor eternally for his sin of betrayal. Robert Grave describes an Atlas in his war against the Olympians who then weighed the odds and betrayed his fellow Titans by forming an alliance with the

Olympians. When the Titans were defeated, many of them were confined to Tartarus, but

Zeus condemned Atlas to stand at the western edge of Gaia (earth) and hold up Uranus

(the sky) on his shoulders to prevent the two from resuming their primordial embrace.

Thus, he was Atlas Telamon, “enduring Atlas,” forced to hold earth on his shoulders for eternity because of his betrayal of his father, Zeus. 93 Jeanette Winterson imagines Atlas where “all his strength was focused into holding up the world. He hardly knew movement anymore…the monstrous weight decided everything. Why? Why not just put it down?” 94

Thomas Rosbrow provides a kinesthetic counterpoint to this image with his belief in the power of movement to restore imaginative and empathic capacities. He evokes an image from Huruki Murakami’s writings of frozen landscapes which are “depictions of

61 shutdown psychic states. He continues that it is the animated imagery that melts the ice and creates “living motion in thought and affect.” 95

Mythical trickster Hermes is juxtaposed to the durable and enduring Atlas.

Whereas Atlas and Sisyphus are bound by the extremes of strict obligation and self- imposed confinement, Hermes lives in the mediated world of doing bad to do “good.”

This trickster god of communication, the winged Mercury, is also the god of roads, boundaries, and by extension, the crossing of boundaries. Where Sisyphus and Atlas are constricted and earth bound, Hermes soars. Hermes is a risk taker who juggles spontaneous peccadilloes of being human and softens his betrayals in the name of honoring the gods with generosity.

It is Hermes, in his lies and his compassion, his creativity and cruelty that encompass the reality of betrayal. Hermes is the god who abandons literalism and embraces the span of extremes and the plasticity of transformation that is so succinctly expressed in Rafael Lopez-Pedraza’s principle “alchemy is the psychology of the paradox.” 96 By deserting and maybe stripping away tightly-gripped shadow structures, one is able hold the paradox of life’s events and is ready to scrap closely held truths in lieu of the next step. Life’s puzzle challenges one to link disparate and the opposing natures of light and dark that provide the cosmic mix to usher in new beginnings. After all, it is Hermes who, with his graceful trickery, can connect such dark places. 97

Mythology is the touchstone for deep human meanings and carries the truths that cannot be revealed in contemporary culture. They are the ubiquitous yet invisible arterial web of our culture, not visible connections but endemic. The crisis of betrayal in mythology is

62 the pivotal event in which profound trials of the soul are revealed. Sometimes, magically, the road to healing and redemption is also revealed.

Imaginal Approaches

It is in the imaginal area that visualizes and embraces the dark places of the soul and is the ground of the battle between the heart and the mind, the body and the intellect, and loss and grief. The following discussion examines the slippery foundation of what some consider inviolable values of character and integrity and particularly truth and how they are applied in an imperfect world of inappropriate adult innocence and naiveté. The relationship of the holding and projection of shame is reviewed is the role of the victim and the potential for redemption.

James Hollis embraces the concept that the darker emotions and states of mind should be recognized as important psychic places. He searches for and makes meaning of these dismal places, promoting them as the engine that pushes the psyche to move the self to integration and individuation.98 Hollis explores a variety of disowned psychological states of being, including anger, loss, and betrayal. He says that they are shadowed bookends of various states of pleasure, contentment, and happiness. He is particularly clear, however, that the aim of life is not happiness but movement toward deep meaning.99 Hollis characterizes the experience of these emotions as an opportunity, a blessing which provides a way to become self-conscious of your unique nature, your soul.

Hollis notes, as other authors have before him, that traumatic loss and the subsequent grief process can be a gateway to self-exploration and meaning making. In

Hollis’s eyes, betrayal is not only a particular kind of loss but also a profound opportunity for self-exploration. It is a kind of test which can lead either to generalized distrust and bitterness or to emotional growth and maturity. Hollis argues, “Betrayal stings us toward individuation.” 100 It drives us, he observes, out of our naiveté and innocence of childhood into an awareness that includes our own role in our betrayal as well as the acceptance of the emotional range from love and hate in our relationships. Hollis states,

“Loss, grief and betrayal are not just dismal places we must unwillingly visit; they are integral to the maturation of the consciousness.” 101

Papineau also sees betrayal as a change agent. He explores the emotional feelings of transition and how the act of betrayal can facilitate change. He describes this process in terms of breaking, such as in breaking up and breaking through. He examines transition experiences, which he says often makes you feel empty and depressed and are experienced as negative and empty chapters of your life. He looks at transitional experiences as opportunities for developing maturity. Papineau uses the metaphor of what ripens also matures to the extent that it becomes over-ripe, rots, and falls apart. He develops this metaphor: what rots then becomes the substance sustaining the next chapter in your life. He sees this cyclic process of crisis, epiphany, integration, disillusionment and change as essential in achieving a self-aware and mature life. Papineau notes that we typically see life in concrete terms so miss the possibilities within our personal crises.

Within this cycle of personal and relationship crisis, he continues, it is possible to react in any number of ways. For example, reactions to betrayal are predictably negative, and while they appear to be devastating, they can help initiate and support the healing process. 102

Moore explores the nature of truth, a particularly the slippery concept that appears so concrete when spoken with sincerity and gravitas. He notes that truth can defy logic and rationality; it is rarely simple or the fact of the matter. It is a concept that is as complex as the person holding it. It readily absorbs the psychological colors of the person perceiving it and adopts all the shades of meaning that inhabit its context. Furthermore,

Moore notes, people often associate the idea of truth with finite and immutable qualities when in fact it often drifts with the particular witness and their unconscious. Moore notes that the term truth is so loaded with hidden assumptions that he never uses it. 103 He regards it as a dangerous word which somehow has a special significance of fact yet in reality is like any other word, subject to context and the originator of the statement. He also says that there are better words that allow the natural flexibility required for the complexities of human discourse. He states, “The idea of truth is a fence that keeps out others who have a different truth. It is the grandest illusion, in which we believe and to which we attach our hopes.” 104

Moore’s exposition on the slippery nature of truth is wed to betrayal in the writings of Ian McEwan. Although this is a work of fiction, his novel Redemption is special in incorporating the mythical and psychological themes that are the hallmark of the imaginal approach. In his novel, he deals with a deep betrayal of a friendship between a precocious 13-year-old girl, Briony Tallis, and her adult friend, Robbie, and the near destruction of his love for her sister, Cecilia. Briony in her imaginative adolescence falsely substantiates suspicions that Robbie raped a young girl who was a guest at her family home. Despite the devastating accusation, Cecilia and Robbie declare their love for each other, but he is arrested. Briony bears false witness, and the course of

65 their lives is tragically changed forever. A maturing and enlightened Briony unsuccessfully seeks forgiveness from Robbie and Cecilia for her childhood misdeed.

The book captures various truths, depending on the subject’s perspective. It repeatedly shows scenes from Briony’s immature and imaginative perspective that make actions by

Robbie seem dark and evil. Interspersed with these scenes are those that show the same event through adult perspectives without the ominous shadowing of a child’s innocence and naiveté. It is then credible that Briony makes the horrifying mistake of accusing

Robbie of the most heinous of acts, the rape of a child. McEwan infers that the idea of truth of a betrayal is compromised completely and underscores the traumatic power of uninitiated imagination and naïve life experience to make meaning of life experience. 105

The tragedy of Briony is that she is aware of the power she holds but ignorant of the unintended consequences of her naive actions. The power to effect or direct others is part of betrayal and references a theory by Friedrich Nietzsche, who believed power to be an elemental drive of man. He writes, “It will strive to grow, spread, seize, become predominant, not from any morality or immorality but because it is living and because life simply is will to power and . . . belongs to the essence of what lives, as a basic organic function; it is a consequence of the will to power, which is after all the will to life.” 106 He saw this as an underpinning of the human capacity of feeling pleasure in power and the urge of dominate. He casts this within a context of morality around good and evil and tied it to his “eternal recurrence of the same” in which he imagined the physical world in an endless cycle of struggle and force. His theories can be interpreted as belief that individual struggle can result in personal growth rather than domination over others. 107 For Omer, however, authentic power refers to “the spectrum of human

66 capacities and qualities that are responsive to various domains of life experience in ways that engender truth, beauty, and justice.” 108

In another view, David Rappaport remarks that the early perspectives of motivation in behavior are the result of powerful forces in what he calls the Battle of the

Titans. 109 Later in the twentieth century, Alfred Adler interpreted will to power as an important element of the human passion to find meaning in life. 110 Reid W. Anderson notes that Adler saw this will to power as striving for superiority, for an archaic power instinct, and believed it sometimes results in envy in a therapeutic relationship. He said that Klein regards envy in the power dynamic as a defense against the impact of otherness, or the greatness of others, and that from this perspective, envy can be regarded as an attempt to preserve a sense of self against the terror of ego annihilation. 111

David R. Hawkins speaks to the differentiation between power and what appears to be superficially synonymous: force. He has compiled a list of word pairs that can be interpreted as either power or force words or pairs that seem to mean the same thing but have an affirming or demeaning character. Table 1 shows selected pairs from Hawkins’s much larger list. 112 Hawkins maintains that just reviewing the complete list is instructive and enlightening on its own. It brings into sharp focus the metric of force and power; the pairs, with the power word first and the force word second, seem to mean generally the same thing, but there is a world of difference in their application and necessity of compliance. In a random examination of pairs, this is evident: “allowing” is permissive and nurturing while “controlling” is directive and rigid; “energetic” is movement and capacity while “agitated” is anxious and fearful; and finally, “open” feels free while

“secretive” feels tight and closed. All the pairs provide a lesson in the difference between states of collaborative/peer-driven efforts and fear/shame driven control. 113

Aftab Omer differentiates between control and the soul based quality which enables outcomes; one is a tainted need to dominate and the other is imbued with collaboration and serves a common good. He says that the “deepest fear is about the places where some quality of the soul is missing but our soul knows it is our nature to have that capacity . . . and envy is how we cope with the deficiency . . . we cope by destroying that capacity in others.” He says that our shame driven envy is hidden from others and from ourselves. It is painful to feel deficient in these core capacities and to feel how “we harm others as we cope with these deficiencies.” He notes that “we envy the persons that we are most attached to, such as parents who tend to envy their adolescent children. We can only embrace our freedom from envy to the extent that we have the capacity for autonomy; shame must transmute to autonomy.” 114

Perera captures the weight of communal power to project shame and fear in the victim who is the target of scapegoating. Both the scapegoat and accuser are betrayed from within and without, one deceived by false projection and the other accepting a projected and disowned shadow. She writes about ancient customs of the symbolic scapegoat; a community of adults or children who target those identified with evil and wrongdoing. The scapegoat is symbolically cast out, so that the remaining members of the community can feel free from guilt. The collective shame and guilt is consolidated into an object, originally a goat, which would be killed or expelled from the village. With the ritual ejection of the symbolic object, a communal release allowed the group to feel guiltless for a while and in harmony with the collective standards of the community. The

68 collective action provides a feeling that the scapegoat has carried away a stigmatizing flaw in the community; the group has regained social equilibrium and perhaps the illusion of perfection.

From an imaginal perspective, scapegoating is a kind of gatekeeping, the judgmental inner voice which resists acceptance of our own shadowed subjectivities. We take the unacceptable parts of ourselves and place them onto others; we exile those parts of ourselves that we cannot tolerate. When consciousness is identified with the condemning part of the community, then the individual accuses others; the voices within find blame and reject the victim’s own attitudes and actions. The victim accepts this gatekeeping voice as a true, authentic view of their world. 115 Gatekeeping as in scapegoating is part of our psychological make-up: when accusing or blaming, we are generally unaware that we are masking our own shamed subjectivities. Those accused, on the other hand, feel a justified global responsibility in their sense of unworthiness.

Perera developed scapegoat subjectivities to help track the dynamics of the accuser and scapegoat in the complex. The four positions as conceived Perera are the

Accuser, the Holocausted Victim, the Priest, and the Wandering Goat. The Accuser position is the supercritical judge, implacable and unforgiving, a representative of divine justice and the bearer of divine wrath. The Holocausted Victim corresponds to a victim who has suffered rejection so experiences a “primary feeling of guilt”; the victim feels that he has no right to live. The Priest reflects what is good or ideal. This voice is imbued with authority, speaking with conviction of what is “collectively acceptable”; it is the voice that defines what is good or ideal. Finally, The Wandering Goat position reflects a scapegoated individual who thinks he sees more clearly than his peers and has a

69 particular insight into the faults of the status quo. He knows that he is different, and in his mind he is the speaker of truth who knows that by telling his truth he will be cast out of the community. The wandering goat persona develops as a self-important carrier of the truth, a Jesus without the transpersonal access to an authentic God. This position could be the character within the Hero’s story, but often without the ability to transmute errors into self-awareness and community teaching. 116

Perera suggests that within the scapegoat complex is the potential transform and for some the power to transmute the wounded into the healer. With the experience of acknowledging and confronting the wounds comes the ability to recognize the guilt of others and become an agent of self-awareness and healing. She reflects that in the “lysis” of the complex, the individual gives up the secure but tormented collective life and willingly enters the “wilderness” to accept isolation and loneliness in order to discover “a new healing repertoire.” 117 Perera further suggests that the scapegoat must embrace the wounded healer subjectivity in order to tolerate the alienation from the communal collective. This subjectivity serves in a “medial capacity,” connecting the consciousness with that of the “objective psyche,” In this transpersonal space, the individual enters into an evil world of childhood terror where “numinous energies can be met with the new attitudes born through the transformation process.” 118 It stands that without individual capacity to acknowledge and confront the past, the scapegoat sabotages a chain of progressive self-awareness and ultimately change and initiation.

These four positions are also seen by Perera as elements in the developmental wounding of the child’s needs for oral gratification in a broad and inclusive sense. The caregiver embodies the positions of the Accuser or the Priest in shaming and denying the

70 child’s needs for attention and expression. Instead of responding to the child, caregivers exert their own needs for perfection and control over the child because the child’s needs are experienced as threatening by the caregiver. The child responds by adopting the defensive positions of Wandering Goat or Holocausted Victim and distorting their own perceptions and consciousness so that their own needs are disowned and their expressions stifled. In short, the scapegoat complex is a wounding of the child’s ego by the parent who is similarly incapacitated. As the wounded children grow, they may identify with the power of the Priest or Accuser and repeat the cycle or they may retain the powerless roles as Exiles as Victims, often in the service of others who have been wounded. 119

Tanya Wilkinson, like Perera, works with the disowned shadow and the previously examined concepts of betrayal, particularly self-betrayal, linked to the ability to move toward redemption and transformation. She explores the proposition of whether victims are responsible for their experience. That is, should an individual take responsibility for the traumas in their life and move on or should they pursue others’ acknowledgement of their pain and their complicity if evident? Wilkinson traces the societal threads of accountability, tracking those who feel that the claims of victims are diluting the American ideal of rugged individualism and drive while others remain interlocked by shared victimization. Using tales of ancient folklore, she addresses this debate: the idea of the sympathetic blameless victim versus the image of a heroic ideal.

She says that if only we are good enough or strong enough, bad things will not happen to us. But bad things do happen to good people and good people have feet of clay, sometimes sharing the blame for their personal traumas. 120

Her view of the myth of “The Beauty and the Beast” is that it contains a theme of transformation and the promise of healing the duality of heroic victim and communal sufferer. The marriage of Beauty and Beast brings the reconciliation of the captive victim and the “internalized degraded abuser” (Beast). 121 The ugly and denied aspects of the

Beast reflect those unconscious shadow elements that will not be repressed but will be revealed through dreams and compulsions. Beauty responds to Beast’s faithfulness and courage with the admission of love in the face of his suffering. It is the courage to hold this suffering within which allows the beast to acknowledge and accept his own ugliness as well his own “Beauty” and worthiness to be loved. Deep suffering, to the point of a feeling of psychological and spiritual death, often accompanies the confrontation of the

Redeemer persona and the shadow-beast. Whenever the pain of confronting the Beast becomes conscious, it is easy to reject the notion of the shadow and fall into a frame of renewing the quest for perfection or blaming others and embarking on the endless work of redeeming them. 122 It is recognizing that blame is a way to avoid confronting the shadow and moving past the victim persona.

Imaginal Transformation Praxis

The theoretical frame for this study is oriented towards Imaginal Transformation Praxis

(ITP). As formulated by Aftab Omer, it is the practical application and exercise of imaginal theory which rests on becoming aware, enduring and transmuting imaginal structures, surrendering through creative action, and facilitating and celebrating the emergence of human capacities. It includes key concepts of capacity, which delineates a potential in responding to life experience; imaginal structures, in which personal

72 experience is constellated into images that mediate and constitute our experience; and reflexivity, the capacity to engage in and be aware of those Imaginal structures that shape and constitute our experience. Transformative learning refers to learning that engenders the emergence of human capacities in a unique and connected way. 123

The keystone to this theoretical structure is Omer’s concept of reflexivity and

Reflexive Participation, “the practice of surrendering through creative action to the necessities, meaning, and possibilities in inherent in the present moment.”124 As taught at

Meridian University, the work of reflexive participation entails seven distinct components which in practice are seamless and intuitive. The initial step in the practice of reflexivity is the ability to be affected and to notice one’s own actions and responses to emotional stimulus. This requires the capacity to know you are affected, that the body and mind are reacting as well as is the ability to describe these reactions. This often is a moment associated with the concept of disidentification which, in Omer’s words, “is a key dimension in the transformation of identity associated with the emergence of a spacious awareness free from frozen images of self.”125 The practice of reflexivity then supports and develops the self-awareness to know what personal imaginal structures have been activated as well as to discern related personal and archetypal patterns. This stage of reflexivity supports engagement with others; one works with feelings held in response to the reactions of others working the layers of awareness and questioning what is behind the reaction, endeavoring to bring the reaction forward. The final stage of reflexivity is the ability to transmute the reaction into what Omer calls creative action. 126

Omer has a unique image of the nature of the human soul, one which requires disidentification and freedom from imaginal structures and which inhibits the soul’s

73 participatory character. He defines disidentification as the ability “to loosen the grasping and clutching of personal or adaptive identity, which is formed in the course of coping with environmental impingement and overwhelming events.” 127 Disidentification evolves through the awareness that one holds personal subjectivities that can act to distort perceptions or reality. Acknowledgment and acceptance of these subjectivities can be expressed in the concept of psychological multiplicity, described by Omer as “the existence of many distinct and often encapsulated centers of subjectivity within the experience of the same individual.”128 Working against this is Omer’s concept of personal and cultural gatekeepers which defend the ego from fears of annihilation and abandonment.129 Affects and affect theory figure large in ITP, with Omer placing great value in the expression of affect as a key element for the goal of transmuting affects into capacities and supporting the soul’s growth and maturity. The primary social tool for realizing this process is the human desire and aptitude for ritual; it is ritual which provides organization and trajectory for the soul’s creativity and divinity. 130

ITP seems particularly suited to processing and analyzing data generated from experiential forms around betrayal. It is one of the few theoretical structures in the field of psychology that can respond to betrayal’s curious combination of labeling, affect, and polarities of rigidity and transformation. ITP is the practical application and exercise of imaginal theory that rests on becoming aware, enduring and transmuting imaginal structures, surrendering through creative action, and facilitating and celebrating the emergence of human capacities. Humans often hold the feelings of betrayal in imagined personal history, or in this construct, within the concept of imaginal structures wherein

74 affect, feelings, and experience collide and coalesce into images that delineate and provide substance to their experience. 131

In this study on betrayal, the act of betrayal is not viewed as an isolated assault but as a spike in the continuum of personal and cultural experience. Jung’s concept of a complex seems related to the experience of betrayal; that is, repressed emotional experiences may be triggered and sometimes produce an emotional overreaction in defense of some early trauma. 132 It appears that betrayal is intertwined with all aspects of emotional history. Early experience and trauma seem inextricably linked to how betrayal is held and processed and are, additionally, related to rigid and static structures that resist opportunities for movement and self-awareness.

The ability to be aware and to see the possibility of letting go of past identities is a necessary step in moving toward change. We need to engage and be aware of those imaginal structures that shape and constitute our experience. 133 Along with engagement and self-awareness, transformation requires that we relax tightly-held subjectivities as victim and avenger in order to have what Omer terms, a reflexive dialogue to address these hard nuts of belief.134 This reflexive dialogue “refers to a conversation engaging two or more distinct centers of subjectivity within a field of suspended identification.” 135

Relaxing tightly held subjectivities allows a supportive voice within, the voice of the

Friend, which is not tied to the moment but to the soul and creative action.136 Movement past the structures that bind tightly-held beliefs can be described as approaching an initiatory threshold, which marks a transformation of identity and the beginning of an initiatory path. Globally, these are aspects of transformation in which the practitioner

75 experiences the emergence of human capacities and qualities in a unique and integrated way. 137

This study relies on a number of principles which address the topic of betrayal.

According to Omer, “When we betray our trust connection to others, we engender shame

. . . shame will direct us to the social environment that we need, we will find friends, a peer group, which will sustain the creativity necessary for transformation and creation of authentic life.” 138 Omer refers to the Friend as “those deep potentials of the soul which guide us to act with passionate objectivity and encourage us to align with the creative will of the cosmos.” 139 It is part of the constructive constellation of Omer’s notion of the Peer

Principle, and is a context for transformative learning and transforming the shame of betrayal toward engaging the initiatory process. “The transformational journey needs peers to hold and witness change.” 140 We need friends for this journey, and the Friend within provides ego support and courage as well as facilitates the journey. Inability to engage the Friend freezes emotional movement and locks in hurt and anger “ . . . when the proudly denied need is not met.” 141

Conclusion

Betrayal at its hard cold root is the traumatic destruction of trust. It is turning to a loved one in a moment of need, expecting to be met and held, but finding disinterest, rejection, and absence of truth. The experience of betrayal can strip away all that is held sacred when one can feel as if his identity has become unglued and he is on the brink of annihilation. It is an isolating experience that raises questions of personal judgment and rocks a personal sense of security, values, and world views. The most common betrayal is

76 that of violating emotional fidelity which results in the affects of shame and anger. The depth and texture of the affect is molded by personal expectation and history of the perceived offending party. One person’s betrayal may be—in a different person, family, or culture—a normative and inadvertent act of thoughtlessness. This slippery perception of betrayal is particularly evident in the related concept of truth; the breadth of its definitions makes the word meaningless and open to interpretation. Betrayal is often linked with physical trauma which embeds the experience and makes the feelings and context that much more enduring. The overwhelming shame of interpersonal betrayal creates and sustains feelings of being unlovable and humiliated.

Betrayal is a consistent thread throughout human emotional history and is the dramatic event often present within the transformative story. In the mythic world, it can make inappropriate innocence and naïveté painfully wither and the soul to transform and bloom. It is a form of scapegoating in which the perpetuator and victim assume positions of assigning blame and accepting it. This duality provides the liminal frame which can either become stuck in immobility and suffering or find a way to embark on a path toward initiation. It can become a sacred event which drives away cynicism and isolation or lead one to authentic autonomy and emotional and spiritual growth. It is the symbolic death that promises new life.

The literature review on betrayal generally breaks down into several groups, those oriented toward spiritual and humanistic approaches and those focused on the objective diagnosis and treatment of symptoms. It produced material oriented to the popular hand holding, remedy tracts, cognitive and behavioral objective studies, and soul oriented expositions. There is voluminous material on related and varied areas such as affect

77 theory, betrayal trauma attachment theory, and forgiveness. There are vast reservoirs of betrayal stories and flawed personalities in the omnipresent human condition that is common in human history and integral to the sacred, mythic, and popular traditions of human life. Religious and mythical stories usually use betrayal as the penultimate focus for revelation and transformation. There is a wealth of material on subjective areas of love and trust and the role the victim of betrayal as well as ample research on the composition of the victim character style (particularly in terms of sexual exploitation) and the behavioral expressions of the persona. What seems inadequately addressed is academic literature addressing the dynamic seam between affective experience and transformation of the psyche.

The review revealed that there are relatively few studies on transformative betrayal dynamics incorporating inter-subjective roles and their potential to inhibit or advance healing and initiation. Perhaps the closest to addressing this area are works on initiation and rites of passage by Orucu. The review found most material addressing either the objective studies or spiritual, religious and philosophical themes. There seemed to be a dearth of material that integrates the science and the soul. It is the reverse of the hole in the donut. Where the hole should be, there is a dense compilation of academic material of disparate and serious research and commentary. There is a wealth of peer reviewed studies on the intricacies of betrayal and forgiveness, such as treating betrayal affect in terms of objective outcomes. For example, it is well researched and statistically examined that forgiveness is related to and influenced by the behavior of the betrayer and the attachment history of the victim. Where one would expect the containing material of the donut, the sticky dough of affect and emotional and ego transformation, there is

78 relatively little. The writings of James Hillman and Thomas Moore seem light years from

Nathanson and Hedya. There are good attempts to generally integrate subjective and objective views with the soulful dynamics of the ego, evident in the work of David

Griffen and David Kalshed. However there is substantial room for research and integration as well as mediation of experience and imagination in what Winnicott calls the intermediate area.

CHAPTER 3

METHODOLGY

Introduction and Overview

The human event of betrayal is multifaceted and sometimes defies categorization and definition. In this study, the principal focus was the power of interpersonal betrayal to change lives and to strip away and annihilate all that is seemingly permanent and important to the human character and psyche. Betrayal can convert shame to anger and back again while providing glimpses of life-changing possibilities. Conversely, it can harden veins of anger, revenge, and blame into self-imposed armor that constricts and cuts off the possibilities of altering feelings of suffering.

For some and perhaps most people, the unanticipated and devastating loss of trust and security leaves deep trauma, scarred souls that hold everlasting fear and egos that are carefully managed to avoid future pain. In others, it becomes a rite of passage, albeit a difficult one—one that may lead to needed change, abandonment of inappropriate naiveté, and movement toward an initiatory path.

How is it that some people hit bottom and stay there while others seemingly bounce up with a new perspective? Some are disoriented and emotionally naked in their perceived abandonment of what was once held and contained yet somehow, someway move on to real change. They tolerate the shame and discard the blame. Their eyes and heart are open within a liminal nexus as they move, perhaps stumble, onto a new

80 beginning, and sometimes, a transformative experience. The Research Problem, then, was to examine the ways affective experience ignited by betrayal can move the betrayed toward the transformative potential of the experience and ultimately on to initiate a new life. This subjective and qualitative research proposed that the evocation of the betrayal experience will reprise the betrayal affects of anger and shame as well as offer an opportunity for personal change. Furthermore, it was assumed that shame is the engine that either drives or blocks the processing of loss and movement to the initiatory threshold.

Because the research topic addressed affect-laden experiences of interpersonal betrayal, the methodology relied on an intimate model of individual interviews for generation of data. The interviews were structured to build a safe haven in which the participants could express freely and then incrementally regress into ever-more meaningful evocations of their betrayal experiences. This was enhanced through a creative and managed experience for the participants, one which included guided meditation, storytelling and writing, and metaphor and art. The outcomes of these exercises assessed the validity of study questions, concepts, theories, and hypotheses and were the basis for interpretations and Learnings.

The methodology design produced a momentum through serial experiences that eroded personal boundaries and stretched participants’ tolerance for revealing shameful experiences. This was best exemplified by the Walking Backwards Exercise in which the participant literally stepped backward in time, each step revealing a past betrayal.

Creative arts were also used to access and activate shadow material and reveal unacknowledged stories and structures. Expressive arts brought to light an emotional

81 landscape in its original and authentic form, relatively free from the contamination of defensive stories and scripts. Complementing the research design was a carefully crafted container of confidentiality, sense of safety, and friendly encouragement which helped erode the participants’ normative behaviors and protective subjectivities.

Co-Researchers

The research design did not lend itself to the use of the co-researchers in the actual interviews; they were too intimate and personal to support a third party presence.

The original methodology anticipated a group participatory event, but was discouraged during the proposal defense and subsequently changed to a personal interview approach.

It was appropriately thought that the topic of betrayal was too sensitive to generate the necessary frank and raw data in a group context. The interview methodology accommodated the participants’ need for intimacy, safety, and privacy as well enhancing the probability of generating relevant and authentic research data. All interviews were conducted solely by this researcher. Co-researchers—professionals with a background in depth or soul-based psychology—assisted in reviewing data and drafts, analyzing data, and giving feedback regarding my reactions and conclusions.

The co-researchers were David Westwood and Henry Kaiser, both doctoral alumni of Meridian University; Cynthia Nova alumnus of the Wright Institute; and

Stephanie Marcel alumnus of the California Center for Integral Studies. The researcher has known them for many years and was confident in their familiarity with the theory and process of Imaginal Inquiry.

Limitations and Delimitations

The research was subjective in nature and qualitative in approach. As such, statistical validity was of less concern than validated subjective experience. How people experience the world through their own constructs is infinitely variable, but the affects and consequences of the affects tend to be consistent in their outcomes. There was, therefore, careful observation and documentation of participants’ episodes of expression as well as transference and counter transference in the course of the research experience.

A clear constraint and condition of the research was colored by a macro and micro cultural bias of participants who represented a significant range of ethnic and racial groups. The participants reflected the immediate social, ethnic, racial composition of the

San Francisco Bay Area. Implicitly, the validity of research results may be only applicable to this cohort; what holds true for one sub-culture may not be true for another.

At the same time, it is expected that there are strong cross-cultural similarities and common themes.

Originally, the draft study methodology anticipated a narrowly defined participant group with like qualities regarding socioeconomic status and state of betrayal loss.

Participants were solicited through media and word of mouth. It became quickly evident that for the same reason that betrayal is to hard define, it was hard to communicate exactly what was needed for the research. Most of the responses received at this stage were so inappropriate as to question the validity of the recruitment strategy. In fact, most responses on the Internet, despite a careful description of the ideal participant, resulted in a variety of mismatched responses including ads for wrongful employment termination and lonely heart scams. It was subsequently necessary to switch to a more practical

83 approach that solely involved soliciting participants through word of mouth, initially through the psychology student community.

The first participants were clearly moved by the research experience and found it personally revealing and thought provoking. One said it was better than therapy, although the researcher had worked very hard to vet any therapeutic elements from the methodology. Participants subsequently referred others to the extent that the researcher had to be very selective and turn away a number of volunteers. Consequently the participant population was not as homogenous racially and culturally as anticipated but did meet minimum criteria regarding a history of psychotherapy and experience in a relatively recent and traumatic interpersonal betrayal. The fact that most of the selected participants initiated contact with the researcher themselves may skew the data in unknown ways.

The work of McNiff and Houston figured prominently in the research design.

McNiff notes that art-based research draws on multiple and sometimes seemingly contradictory ideas which present a rare opportunity for truly original observations and insights. He notes that placing of entities in sometimes seemingly incongruous and unexpected relationships is precisely what supports creative discovery. 1 The nonlinear approach of art provides space for things that do not make sense, that are out of the box.

Similarly, Houston is attentive to deep indigenous wisdom and the spiritual journey that responds to the wounded heart. 2 With these guiding lights, the methodology erred on the side of the unexpected feeling rather than the anticipated reaction. This made room for the possibility of capturing and interpreting something that was truly original rather than a retread or validity testing of earlier studies or research.

Furthermore, this research design drew on a number of other research traditions which included approaches based on phenomenological, heuristic, and hermeneutic studies. The data were weighed by elevating experience and minimizing prior assumptions, by having a focus on the researcher’s own inner experience, and by developing a dialogue of trust with the participants in later phases of the research. 3

The integrity of the research was based on common and archetypal assumptions and expressions reflected in the review of literature and validated by the behaviors of the research participants. There were ontological assumptions that presumed a soul-based universe where things that matter most are unseen and reside in the universe of feelings.

This view embraces constructivism and relativism in that it is person focused and free from absolutes. Generally the research design was more attuned to the literary worldview of Meade rather than to the psychotherapeutic orientation of Nathanson. It was presupposed that deep betrayal results in feelings of catastrophic loss and supports affects of shame that is often overlaid with anger. The triggering event could be influenced by unique social and cultural forces, but the human emotional reaction tended to be consistent and provided a degree of validity when observed in the data.

Quantitative statistical approaches in betrayal studies have weaknesses in defining the research narrowly and testing small variations of well used hypotheses. The resulting research can miss powerful affects that drive outcomes. For example, the review of existing literature revealed some competent studies on rate of forgiveness that tested frequency but apparently missed the critical intensity and magnitude of the underlying and causal affect. In contrast, the theme of this research was to identify moments of

85 emotional authenticity and to probe the poetic and heartbreaking realms of the shattering of trust and its aftermath.

Participants

Eight participants were selected on criteria which included having experienced a traumatic betrayal event, preferably within the last 18 months. The search looked for people who had been wounded to the core by a breach of interpersonal trust and felt humiliated and stripped in their own eyes of self-worth and dignity. The research participants needed to be able to address where and how the betrayal event occurred and to provide information about how they felt and the current status of the relationship. For example, did they feel they were in the midst of the event, did they feel stuck, and or was the sense of pain and loss attached to some personal structure? The recruitment used a number of venues, including references from fellow students and professional acquaintances as well as advertising through online sites.

After the first few interviews, the early participants found the interview process interesting and challenging, so they actively recruited others. Most candidates were screened by telephone and were assigned a pseudonym, provided an overview of the research process and goals, and responded to screening questionnaire. Candidates were notified later about their status, and those who were selected and volunteered for the interview were further briefed, particularly on the content of the experience and need for informed consent. Participants were advised generally of the components of the methodology and informed that the experience was likely to activate memories, cause stress, and perhaps result in feelings of sadness and anxiety.

No information was provided regarding specific research parameters or goals, such as the research hypothesis, problem statement, or particulars of specific interview experiences. Participants were informed that the interview was not intended to be therapy or to otherwise alleviate their feelings of loss, shame, or anger. Furthermore, the researcher explained to the potential participants that they would be exposed to concepts, activities, and experiences during the interview that might have a profound effect on how they currently viewed their betrayal.

Referred participants were contacted by phone and generally assessed as to their understanding of the study topic and goals as well as their availability for what could be up to three hours of interviews. If the candidates conveyed the necessary degree of commitment to the study, they were invited to participate in a telephone intake survey.

Candidates were asked such questions as how they became aware of the study and what the word or concept of betrayal means to them. They were also asked to share a betrayal experience and about their involvement with psychotherapy as well as about any concerns they might have about participating in the study (see Betrayal Interview Survey in Appendix 9). In the end, eight participants were selected based on the phone interview and their survey responses.

The group of six female and two male participants that were selected had a high degree of racial and ethnic diversity: three Filipinos, two Mexican-Americans, one

African-American, one Eastern European and one self-identified as “Jewish.” Five participants had immigrated with their families to the United States. The participants for the most part had higher degrees: three PhD’s, two degrees in law (LL.D), and two

Masters. The majority were aged between thirty and forty, with the remaining two

87 between fifty and sixty years of age. Five participants had careers oriented to the field or practice of psychotherapy; the remaining three had a significant history in psychotherapy.

Three participants identified their father and/or their mother as the principal betrayer in their lives and another four identified their husband, wife or partner as the betrayer. One participant generally identified the betrayer as one or more friends. Their answers to the question in the intake interview, “What does the word betrayal mean to you?” were similar and consistent. One defined betrayal as “something that destroys trust,” four participants used the phrase to “to break trust,” one said “breaking rules of relationship,” while one said it was “something that hurts me.” Interviews were held in an office setting and were preceded by the participant reading and then signing the Informed Consent form.

Four Phases of Imaginal Inquiry

The research design used Imaginal Inquiry methodology, which includes four phases: evoking, expressing, interpreting, and integrating experience. The first research task was to evoke a betrayal experience in selected participants, igniting moments of reflection on participants’ personal history of heartbreak, change, and transition. Later, and within the context of the participatory paradigm, the participants were invited to engage in various activities that activated betrayal subjectivities, evoked shame and anger, and generated new experience.

Although Imaginal Inquiry is composed of four phases, the research design did not apply the phases in a serial or consecutive manner; rather, elements of the evoking, expressing, interpreting, and integrating of experience were intermittent and ordered by

88 relevance. For example, the interviews included a variety of modes and moments of both expressing and interpreting individual experiences in a cyclical and spontaneous manner.

Research-driven insight, expression, and visceral release happened at the most unexpected moments. For a detailed summary of the Methodology, see Appendix 3; for the researcher’s script for conducting the interviews, see Appendix 9, Scripts.

The overall interview experience built on a series of different but related exercises that required courage and a willingness of participants to expose and regress to what they may consider a shadowed and shameful personal history. Early recollections matured and changed through the interview process. Significant key moments early in the interview— such as the participant experiencing an unexpected flash memory of a painful adolescent social disaster—could later in the interview reemerge as a maturing and validating reflection. Each of the two research interviews progressively built on the participants’ sense of safety, risk-taking, and self-awareness while moving their frame of reference back in time. The intent was to link the latest and most present betrayal with feelings and memories of past betrayals; it is an important perception that led the participant to understanding and acceptance.

Given the above, the first task of the participant interview was to build a container of trust and comfort. After the participants read and signed the Informed Consent form, the researcher reviewed confidentiality protocols, including the use and safe keeping of the participants’ pseudonyms. In the orientation, the participants were reminded that they could stop the process at any time and that the interview sessions would start with the ringing of a chime and a period of silence. The participant was invited to share a personal artifact that he was asked to bring and that is identified with comfort and security. The

89 participant was then invited to place the item (e.g., a shawl, photo, and doll) on a little altar in the room provided for that purpose and light a candle to initiate the interview.

Evoking Experience

The challenge of the evoking experience is to separate the participants from the story they tell to themselves, their friends, family, and confidents; the betrayal story that is stripped of defensive structures and wishful thinking. Angeles Arrien characterizes this story as the “story you tell a tree” or in other words, the well-practiced personal narrative you tell at cocktail parties. With this in mind, it was extremely important to help the participants become as relaxed as possible. There were two guided meditation segments in each participant’s interview, at the beginning of the first interview and later in the second. The researcher led each participant through a guided meditation that initially focused on relaxing the body and then transitioned to engaging participants in of the betrayal experience. The purpose of the meditation was to relax the soma and create an environment of security and companionship. The participant was then invited to take an imaginary walk following the researcher’s cues to a place that was disconnected from the pressures and anxiety of their present life. In this frame of imagined liminal space, the participant was ushered to a location where he had an opportunity to engage and perhaps confront the betrayer. The participant was coached to acknowledge the betrayer and to find or recollect those things that needed to be said but had been mutely held since the event. After this encounter, the participant was verbally led back to the safe place in the meeting room and the meditation was ended.

The participants were asked what happened and how they felt, particularly with an emphasis on how their body felt. It was important to know, for example, if the encounter with the evoked betrayer or engagement in their own betrayal metaphors left sensations of discomfort such as a headache, or discomfort in the abdomen, arms or legs.

This line of questioning by the researcher recurred throughout the interviews, with: “How do you feel in your body?” “Where in your body do you feel a reaction to what you just experienced?” The questioning was rooted in the hypothetical assumption that the seat of emotions, affect, and particularly shame, reside in the corporeal side of the mind/body spectrum. Antoine Bechara and Nasir Naqvi suggest that there is evidence “that neural systems supporting the perception of body states are a fundamental ingredient in the subjective experience of emotions.” 4 The questioning by the researcher had a clear goal of directing the participant away from the rational, adaptive, problem-solving persona and toward encouraging and engaging spontaneous feelings and images.

The Meditation and Confrontation of the Betrayer Exercises provided an opportunity for the participant to locate, if possible, the pain, loss, shadow structures, and unrealized feelings associated with their loss. Because this was the first exercise, the participant was likely somewhat restrained in expressing their feelings. The objective of the exercise was to become acquainted with the interview experience and test the trust relationship between the participant and the researcher. The participant was for the first of several times, asked to expand on the moment of meeting the person who betrayed them and to expand or retell their story of betrayal.

After a short transition, the participant was invited to stand with the researcher and begin the Walking Backwards Exercise. It was designed to deepen and widen the

91 participant’s personal understanding not only of their immediate betrayal but also the inter-connected history of past betrayals. It was important to the study goals to not only evoke the experience of betrayal but help the participant realize that all individual betrayals are affectively linked and can become more intense and entrenched if not acknowledged and processed. The Walking Backwards Exercise or movement as memory was inspired by Houston, who has used a similar exercise in her own workshops.

It in turn is a version of the Buddhist practice of walking meditation married to Houston’s conviction that “you will be led to the right ones who will speak to you, who will be with you now.” 5

Houston’s exercise divides a group into pairs in which one of two partners physically guides the other while walking backwards and remembering past betrayals, step by step, a step for each betrayal.6 In this study’s exercise, the researcher stands side by side with the participant and they both simultaneously—with the researcher’s cue— take one step back. With each step, the individual is asked to remember, continuing to at least three past betrayals. The purpose of this evocation is to literally usher and support the participants as they journey back through a landscape of their personal history of loss, presumably a loss permeated with an affect fingerprint of deep childhood wounding.

After the last step, the researcher invited the participant to notice their own physical feelings and to share with the researcher how they felt.

While participants were immersed in the emotional aftershocks of the previous exercise, they were invited to imagine and name words that most reflected their immediate and current feelings of the overall litany of betrayal experiences. The participant was assured that any word or phrase was sufficient and asked not to try to edit

92 or censor words, phrases, or concepts. For some, the list of metaphors for betrayal was immediate and exhaustive; for others it was hard to kick start the imagination. The researcher compiled the metaphors as long as the participant was willing; the participant was then asked to pick at least five metaphors from the list that represented some strong, particularly physical, reaction. The researcher suggested that metaphors that carry a physical and perhaps painful charge, such as a word or phrase which hits the stomach, were good candidates.

While the participant was immersed in the fog of affect and creative energy from the Metaphor Exercise, he was asked to write his betrayal story as a fairy tale or fable.

Shifting the story from history to fantasy gave the participant creative cover and freedom to explore hidden or suppressed feelings and scenarios that may have been suppressed and too painful to evoke. The researcher suggested that such a story can begin with the phrase “once upon a time,” and asked if the participant would spend no more than 30 minutes crafting the story that would be more than three handwritten pages.

The second interview usually occurred within a week and ideally within a few days of the first. After the opening ritual of chiming the session in, lighting the candle, and presenting the participant’s security object, the participant was asked what thoughts and feelings emerged after the first interview. Did the participant experience any changes, alteration, or delayed reactions to their feelings or became aware of new feelings? The purpose of this interaction was to re-establish the bond between the researcher and participant as well as to re-introduce a reflective and secure atmosphere. In a packed interview schedule, this was one of the few open times in which the participant could

93 share unrelated thoughts and opinions. It also, in some cases, generated reflections on the first interview that signified movement in perspective.

The fairy tale story written at the end of the first interview was read verbatim by the researcher, who invited the participant to react to and express and suggest any changes, additions, or insights since having written the story. Depending on the participant, this resulted in an extended review by the participant of the betrayal and sometimes revelation of related strictures on personal values and judgments. In some cases, the story was further amended, usually in the direction of a changing perception and evolution of thought. This exercise introduced the participant to further processing of betrayal metaphors in a more graphic and expressive medium. The list of metaphors produced by the participant was reviewed and the participant was asked to add or delete those words and phrased that no longer seemed valid.

This Metaphor Exercise allowed the participant to engage in an art-based research exercise which provided an opportunity for evoking, expressing and differentiating feelings around betrayal. This exercise was inspired by the works of McNiff and particularly of Jess Feury as a way to open up creative energies as well as loosen personal structures. 7 The participant was asked to return to their list of metaphors of betrayal and pick five they feel most deeply, particularly somatically, in the gut. Five sheets of waxed paper were distributed and the participant was invited to use oil pastels to draw pictures of at least four of the metaphors previously listed. The wax paper and oil pastels were purposely used because they are hard to manipulate and control, the colors are intense, and they frustrate attempts to make fine and detailed images. These crayons also frustrate efforts to make literal or conventional art. The result was intense and blurry in

94 application, conveying and activating the emotion of the artist as well as adding power and meaning to the quality of the drawings. The art was usually abstract and messy but true to their creators and laden with visual affect. The participant was also instructed to initiate the act of creating art with large arm motions in order to encourage the engagement of held feelings rather than objects and relations presented in the mind. The participant was instructed to make at least four metaphor drawings, order them as to the relative strength of the image feeling, and then present to the researcher what feelings and ideas the images contained.

After processing this artwork, the participant was invited to attend to another guided meditation which facilitated an encounter with the participant’s own self compassion. As in the earlier guided meditation at the beginning of the first interview, the participant was verbally guided through a process to relax the soma and then to embark on an imaginary journey where they met an imaginary individual, named the Guide, who is welcoming and familiar. The participant was encouraged to have an internal dialogue between the compassionate Guide and the participant’s subjectivity in meditative state.

The researcher cued the participant to receive a gift from the guide which the participant was later instructed to draw. This exercise evoked the compassionate friend within and provided a ritualistic symbol of the participant’s friend within.

The interview closed with the participant invited to select a variety of small artifacts, toys, dolls, and stones from a basket and arrange them in a way that was calming and satisfying. There was a summation of the process and a reminder to call the researcher if there was a need for professional counseling. The participant removed their supportive object from the altar and blew out the candle.

Expressing Experience

Evoking leads to expressing; there is a fine line between the moment that an exercise evokes an emotional experience and when the experience transitions to the expression of feelings around the event. In this methodology, the evoking and expressing ping ponged with every exercise, first the evocation and then the expressive reaction. The intake interview was often the first opportunity for the potential participant to express, which typically they initiated with the force of a damn bursting after a deluge. However, the permission to express must be overt and trained, with the first meditation providing an opportunity to engage the betrayer. There was an opportunity after the guided meditation in the first interview to further express when the researcher invited the participant to expand on their narrative. The researcher also introduced somatic and emotional themes by asking the participant to search for subtleties of feeling, sound, color and taste.

The Metaphor Exercise gave voice and words to unnamed feelings around the betrayal and most certainly in encouraging the participants to plumb the depths of their feelings at a level of detail they had not imagined. The connection between intellectual history and psychic objectivity births a potent opportunity for creative expression. This exercise leveraged the evocative and emotional experience of the Walking Backwards

Exercise into the expressive realm of feelings around betrayal. It also, for the first time, injected a creative spirit to the interview and allowed the opportunity for word play, movement, and creation of word images which are unique to the participant.

The writing of the participant’s betrayal story as a fairy tale provided structure and permissive fantasy to engage that which is normally too raw to engage. The fairy tale context as well as the physical activity of writing was designed to provide cover and diversion so the story could unfold in a misdirected way. This exercise took advantage of both the participant’s eroding resistance as well as a growing fatigue to activate their expressive energy. As a result, their original story became reformed, re-imagined, more activated, and more focused on the participant’s personal and private feelings around the betrayal. It also allowed the growing sense of the Friend, their compassionate subjectivity, to slowly emerge. This exercise concluded the first interview; the participant was asked to pledge to keep the next interview appointment as well as to call the researcher if any issues, concerns, or fears needed to be addressed. The participant blew out the candle and the interview was chimed out.

After the presentation of individual drawings, the participant was invited to order the drawings according to the more important betrayal metaphor first and the rest in order of depth of feeling. The drawings were stapled together and held up to the light. Because the drawings were on wax paper, the compiled drawings were semitransparent with the stronger images, the more intense colors, and more dramatic images bleeding through and dominating the weaker images regardless of the order of the drawings. A strong image of hate, for example, might be obscured or masked by three higher order images but shine through because of strength of form and color. The composite image of betrayal metaphors is a powerful and rare and personal creation whose emotional meaning defies articulation. The participant was again asked speak to these composite images. For some participants, the perception of the blended multiple images could be dramatic and

97 significant. There was no existing or immediate identifier for the image. There was, however, an identifiable epiphany in acknowledging feelings without name and inadvertently absorbing the concept of multiplicity.

Interpreting Experience

Meaning making from the experience entailed identifying and responding to key moments as well as looking at input and providing a wider context through theory and myth. Although not anticipated, the structure of two separate interviews built in an opportunity for the participant to check in during the second interview on his feelings and reactions. The break between the interviews allowed the participant to sit with the experience, let it mature and evolve prior to the second interview, and to be ready and sometimes eager to share new ideas and feelings. Furthermore, as the interviews proceeded there was a growing empathic connection between researcher and participant and therefore a greater freedom in expression and access to shadowed structures.

Generally the narrative data was rich beyond expectations. For the most part, the participants willingly engaged in difficult memories and feelings that could be shockingly revealing as well as lyrical and poetic. Key moments are usually easily identifiable, either because of the associated energy and language or because the key situation or memory is iterated in different ways. These moments are grist for the mill, productive interview episodes that support the process of meaning making.

If there can be any one point where interpreting of experience starts, it is toward the end of the Focal Space Exercise. As noted in the evoking phase, a guided meditation was initiated by the researcher to prepare the participant for an encounter with their

98 compassionate subjectivity, named the Guide.8 The participant meets the Guide in a meadow. The Guide was described by the researcher as a wise, compassionate person with wisdom that comes in words, images, and feelings and he participant was invited to share those feelings with the researcher. This provided an opportunity for the Friend within to speak and answer questions about the betrayal and about the participant’s life in general. The participant was told that the Guide’s wisdom was a gift that was available at any time and that the Guide was always available. The participant was asked to draw a picture of the Guide in order to reinforce the memory and image of the compassionate

Friend within. In this encounter with the compassionate subjectivity, the participant began to more energetically absorb the experience, which then provided a foundation for integrating the experience.

In order to avoid interpreting experience through the self-reflective prism of expectation, the researcher was conscious that his relatively isolated experience of one- on- one interviews needed outside perspectives and correcting viewpoints. The co- researchers were brought in to provide critically leavened and reasoned commentary and reflection. They were particularly valuable in digging out nuggets of meaning that had been overlooked in the transcripts. They assisted in particularly in identifying critical responses to the many inquiries featuring “What is your reaction or feeling to what you just said or to the just completed experience?” or “Where in your body do you feel your reaction to what happened?”

A number of perspectives were used in fleshing out the interpretation of data. As fitting for research anchored in Imaginal Inquiry, old stories and fables as well as archetypes provide inventive inspiration and the credence of the ages. The research

99 design and data analysis are anchored in the mediums of story and myth, including participant childhood stories, mythic figures of Hermes and Atlas, and deep cultural forces like the scapegoat complex. The scapegoat complex as articulated by Perera serves as a powerful lens for tracking the movement or lack thereof in the participants’ attachment to their particular betrayal subjectivities. The scapegoat and betrayal complexes share many affects, particularly that of shame, and may be seen as an aspect of each other. 9 Perera’s insights were helpful in identifying and organizing observations on holding and explaining the victim perspective and as well as on impulses and characterizations of the scapegoat. Particularly valuable and central to the research are the metaphor and Art Exercises. Creative media are rooted deep in early experience; in the appropriate mode, they provide the comfort and familiarity of childhood games and art. The creative media can also be a symbolic shortcut to the unconscious psyche which produces unpredictable and authentic data that are absolutely true to the participant.

McNiff advocates for art-based meaning making when he describes creative art-based research as creative “magic” of “alchemical transformation.” 10

Meaning making and interpretation presumes substance when too often the core of psychic trauma is an absence. While efforts to verbally communicate experience are contaminated or limited by environmental context and skill in articulation, creative representations of a traumatic experience may emerge despite these constraints. Art provides a tangible record in which to engage the betrayal story beyond remembered experience and validates a realm of inner possibilities as well as a concrete presence of human feelings. This enhances the creative force of the art as an expression of feelings that allows the therapeutic event of witnessing and interpretation. Witnessing is critical in

100 validation of feeling; compassionate observation supports the personal authenticity of the expressive moment. McNiff demonstrates that he is very conscious of this interpretive and healing opportunity by incorporating expressive and interpretive dance in his art making workshop exercises. His participants are divided into couples, dyads that respectively honor each other’s drawings through vocal and creative movement. The witnessing brings in the other’s perspective and drives the meaning and interpretation deeper, providing more focus to the elements of trauma depicted in the art. According to

McNiff, “In creating a holding, witnessing ‘other’ that confirms the reality of the traumatic event, the artist can provide a structure or presence that counteracts the loss of the internal other, and thus can bestow form on chaos. Through such form the artist can

‘know’ trauma.” 11

Integrating Experience

Giving back to the participants was a first order of the final part of data collection.

The participants were heroic in baring their most private histories; as partial compensation, they deserved to benefit from the research findings. The nature of the research design provided the first payment in this regard. The methodology provides numerous instances for reflection and consolidation: the interpretation of metaphor and art; the reflection on the betrayal experience as a fairy tale; and the encounter with the

Guide as well as the subsequent engagement of the compassionate friend within. At the end of the last interview, each participant was saturated if not overwhelmed by the multifaceted and sometimes intense experience. It is possible that they felt a particular detachment from their own core self, seeming unclear and scattered regarding specific

101 personal impact and relevance. It was important to create a ritual memorializing the termination of the experience and reassembling some of those scattered parts of self.

The last exercise was a ritual of selecting and organizing small disparate artifacts such as rocks, animal figurines, and action figures. In this case, the artifacts are a collection of action figures, dolls, toys, rocks, and fabric. The collection represented a wide range of symbols, shapes, colors, and textures. The participant selected items that had personal meaning and assembled them in a personal pattern that created a complete and satisfying tableau. It is an exercise that the researcher has used many times in the termination phase of therapy that has brought the researcher’s clients a feeling of measured and controlled closure. The participant was invited to open a box with these items and then select those that appealed to their personal taste and interest. The selected items were arranged in a way that was somehow in congruence with the participant’s sense of order and completion. It is as if the participant was cognitively and physically gathering the bits and pieces of the interview experience and transforming them into an ordered and meaningful tableau. This was followed by a final ritual of retrieving the comforting personal object brought at the beginning of the interview and, in silence, blowing out the candle.

The Summary of Learnings will be sent to each participant and will be followed with “check-in” e-mail. This may engage some of the participant’s personal insights and in particular continue the inner and outer dialogue of the compassionate I-Friend. It is possible a dialogue will invite feelings, thoughts, and opinions as well as input on the validity of their experience. Participant confidentiality is and will continue to be protected by the use of double blind pseudonyms (participant selected pseudonyms which

102 are then substituted by researcher-assigned pseudonyms) and a researcher-controlled personal login password.

It is anticipated that a website will be developed containing material based on the dissertation; the site will serve to make available the research and material to the academic community and general public at no cost, counter to the common convention of charging for access to academic papers. The model will invite the public to provide comments and to engage in online discussion on the dissertation Learning and the topic in general.

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CHAPTER 4

LEARNINGS

Introduction and Overview

Cumulative Learnings: Lift the Shadowed Brow and Welcome the Dawn

The Cumulative Learning was that working through the affects in the experience of betrayal can allow for movement from loss and ossified postures to courage and the acknowledgment of shame and anger. Such acknowledged shame can be seen as the engine that drives the suffering to a liminal moment when the possibility of change exists. Embracing betrayal-related affect can be seen as an essential catalyst in stripping the ego of ungrounded stories and in so doing unleash feelings of compassion for the intimate and conflicted soul.

104

The essence of Learning One is one or more “tightly gripped” subjectivities will impede healing processes, such as those manifested in grieving loss. The attachment to cataclysmic loss has the power to grow and mature into an ego image of perpetual loss.

This unconscious and incremental web is a self-made prison which resists change; it becomes a major element of character and is increasingly separated from the reality of the original loss and then tied to an image of self.

Learning Two states that betrayal is built on personal and divergent “truths” which are hard to alter or let go of. It becomes a carefully nuanced story told almost by rote to anyone who will listen and which over time becomes a calcified weight on the soul. The carefully nurtured truth of broken trust is not pure and unadulterated but is a product of a personal and unique history; it might be more accurate to say “my truth” or

“your truth” rather than “the truth.”

Learning Three states that the betrayed are vulnerable to getting stuck in an entrenched victim identity, in part because being a victim of betrayal helps explain what can otherwise be seen, existentially, as inexplicable. Building an entrenched identity of victim can define this experience into clear components of right and wrong, good and evil, and perfection. Betrayal also carries the shame of not being competent, mature, or lovable. The victim persona can feed into the childhood subjectivity of having been globally responsible for interpersonal failures which can lend a sense of validity to what may perhaps be lifelong feelings of being scapegoated.

Learning Four is related to and builds on Learning Three, stating that the wound of persecution can be the catalyst to a world of autonomy, self-discovery and redemption.

Within the scapegoat complex is a role for the wanderer who escapes communal

105 structures and is open to the uncertainties and surprises of the road. Driven by belief and hurt, there is an openness to experience change and initiation.

Finally, Learning Five states that shame-driven anger pushes the betrayed into illusory solution-oriented obligations that need to be abandoned in order to move toward initiation. The shrug is a gesture of release; it is the discarding of force and control in favor of power and engagement. Driven by guilt, some participants focused on managing relationships at the cost of personal autonomy and power necessary to move through the initiatory journey. Dumping unneeded self-imposed responsibilities relieves the tortured soul and makes space for change.

Learning One: Perpetual Loss - The Unreal Soul

The primary claim of this learning is that the existence of one or more tightly gripped subjectivities will resist healing processes, particularly as manifested in grieving that which was lost. The attachment to a cataclysmic loss has the power to grow and mature into an ego image of perpetual loss. This unacknowledged and unconscious web is a self-made prison which resists release; it becomes a major element of character which is increasingly separated from the reality of the original loss and tied to an image of self.

What Happened

Three of the participants—Milton (pseudonym), Summer (pseudonym), and

Michelle (pseudonym)—experienced similar lifelong and multiple betrayals. Significant painful periods of their lives were evoked during the guided meditation in the first interview as were historic betrayals in their Walking Backwards Exercise. In incremental

106 and regressive steps, they processed their past through story, metaphor, and art. They all related stories in which they were not only betrayed but experienced deep cruelty and neglect from caretakers who would be expected to provide love and nurturing. From early childhood, each of the three strived for perfection; they excelled academically and athletically, yet they entered into serial bad relationships thinking their eyes were wide open.

Milton is a serious academic with a lively intelligence and hurried but informal manner. He said, “I am the peg that doesn’t fit in anything.” He knows psychology well and approaches his story of betrayal in a detached and economical manner; it is a story that has been told before. He launched into a quick overview by saying that there was no single betrayal by his wife; rather, he had married a drunken liar who found him at the right time. He defended her, saying that she did the best she could, and that he cleaned up her blood and her vomit. He wondered why he would question the veracity of his own wife despite the fact that she admitted that she lied about the time her boss raped her not once but twice while they were married. He continued, “We had agreed that there would be no contact. She let him into the house, my house! I did not blame her.” 1 He said that when he discovered her lies, he experienced intense pain, like he was having a heart attack. He consulted with a medical doctor specializing in arrhythmia who said that he was fine; his therapist said that it was the pain of a broken heart.

Summer is a college graduate, a middle aged woman of Southeast Asian descent who has experienced multiple and cruel betrayals. Every significant person in her life has betrayed her deeply and repeatedly. Despite being intellectually brilliant and holding a law degree, she has not held a regular job for the past 10 years, since the time of her

107 devastating divorce. Early in the interview she said that she was not sure what I meant by betrayal, so we then googled the term for a definition. One of her first comments regarding her ex-husband, who has full custody on her child, was, incongruously, that he has been a good father and that she wished she could have treated him as a best friend through the contentious and painful divorce. After the divorce, she told him that, without his knowledge, she had had an abortion of what would have been their second child. She says, “I did not want his baby . . . because I felt that I did not want to propagate his genes because I thought he was inferior.” She said that she knew that she made a mistake marrying her husband and told him so after returning from their honeymoon. According to Summer, he lied in the custody hearing, where he implied she was an unfit mother in order to gain control of her beloved and only child. She described a married life of wealth and privilege, but commented, “If this is as good as it gets…not only that I am not happy or content, but I’d rather be dead.”

Michelle is a successful professional whose husband of 20 years went out to get a quart of milk and didn’t return. In desperation, she called an unfamiliar number on her phone bill; the woman who answered turned out to be his mistress. Michele worked full time, and her husband stayed home and took care of the kids. She says, “He has been cheating on me all this time. Instead of taking care of the kids he has been with other women.” Her ex-husband commented about his affairs: “It turned into just fucking each other, it meant nothing.” Although they have been divorced many years, Michelle allows her ex to stay with her in her home to help take care of their teenage children. 2

Later in each interview, I invite each participant to walk with me backwards through past losses; each step, a past betrayal. Milton related repeated rejections by his

108 parents: his mother hated him as a child, and his father was a proud philanderer who tainted a rare visit to Milton as a cover to “get some pussy.” Milton told a friend prior to the visit this this was the first time in his life that his dad “showed me that he really cared for me.” Summer remembered her “ex” tricking her in order to serve divorce papers by pretending he wanted to celebrate their wedding anniversary. She also said that her sister wrote and signed a key letter in a process that denied her custody of her son. Finally,

Summer related that her mother blamed her for not being a boy (which her father wanted) and for her father’s cheating.

Michelle recollected a prior boyfriend who was enjoying a romantic dinner while she “was almost bleeding to death from a faulty abortion.” With another step back,

Michelle resurrected her eighth-grade teacher whom she met when she was 12 when she was student council president. He was married with two children; he seduced her, named his daughter after her, and ended the relationship when she went to college. In the last step, she recalled that, when she was younger yet, her married mother betrayed her father, had affairs, and made her accompany her on dates.3 All three participants ended the exercise with dredging up what appears to be a significant early childhood traumas:

Milton’s sense of parental emotional abandonment; Summer’s conviction that she was a mistake; and Michelle’s destruction of self-identity as her mother’s surrogate.

Toward the end of the interviews, the participants engaged the voice of the compassionate friend. Again through a guided meditation, participants navigated through a forest to a meadow where they encountered a figure, the compassionate friend, whom they identified as the Guide. Milton said his Guide greeted him with an “acceptable degree of tolerance,” and he described him as having “a long white beard, white hair, legs

109 crossed, eyes closed.” The Guide told Milton, “Your dad is an asshole” 4 and your ex- wife and what she represents will not be in your next relationship. Michelle described her

Guide as “happy and smiling and peaceful and calm.” She told the Guide that the pain was endless and that “I don’t know how I can go on.” 5 The Guide told her to trust her heart and it is going to be okay. Summer’s Guide told her, “The experience you had is universal, it can happen to anyone….something that arises and subsides in consciousness, it is not real in the sense it is only a matter of perspective.” 6

How I Was Affected

Listening to Milton was very uncomfortable; it felt like both a slap to the face with a quick retrenchment into shock. Milton is well educated, urbane, and confident. His litany of his wife’s over-the-top transgressions immediately put me into memories of my first marriage and subsequent divorce. I married young and was young; my wife in one of her later books referred to me in passing as the “man-child.” He talked of rape, deep betrayal, and childhood pain with seemingly aplomb. My own body was confused after the interview; somatically there was intense discomfort but cognitively I was blank. I deeply identified with Milton. His confused and inarticulate pain for one who is usually so articulate was my unconscious pain of my youth. There was also an element of voyeurism and disbelief, an element of being titillated and shamed by amazingly brutal stories, yet at the same time not quite taking them seriously. It was kind of like reading

Playboy in the 1950s. With Michelle, I felt the deep tragedy and loss of a childhood never lived, of a beautiful child abused while trying to do “good.” Her sudden discovery of her womanizing husband, despite careful vetting to ensure mutual trust, floored me.

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Somatically I felt a wave of dizziness similar to my own feeling on discovering that my estranged wife had slept with another man. It never occurred to me, like Michelle, that it was possible.

Imaginal Structures in Use

In terms of my internal structures, I closely identify with each participant; I know them well. For a good part of my life, I felt certain falseness within me, the good guy whom everyone liked. Like Milton, I was proud of my social adaptability; like Summer I lived in an intellectual world where life’s solutions were products of deep thinking; and like Michele, I was looking from the other dimension where good guys and girls always have good things happen to them. And like them all, I was always aware that there was something within my core hidden behind a façade. For me, the only thing that saved me from being nice at all costs was a streak of wildness and humorous truth-telling that kept me kind of real. Summer’s plaintive statement, “If this is as good as it gets…I’d rather be dead” is an echo of my childhood. My favorite daydream as a young child was that my family was killed in an auto accident and I was adopted by an Ozzie-and-Harriet loving family who never stopped smiling. I also remember feeling guilty about that, fearing my scenario would somehow reinforce the likelihood that it would happen.

With Summer particularly, I felt as if I were talking to a super-articulate intellectual who was pleasant and engaging but distant. It made me frustrated and distrustful of my own role in the interview. It was as if her falseness spotlighted my own, and if that were the case, what was the point of the interview? Maybe it reflects on my life with my father. Being the oldest child and only boy, I spent a lot of time with him

111 compared with my sisters. It was just the two of us hiking in the Sierras, sailing for days in the Bay, fishing on the Berkeley pier; that is, the apparent classic father-son relationship. As I recall, however, there was little conversation. He was often drinking out of his coffee cup, which likely contained vodka. His body was there, but he wasn’t; the silences were long, and as a child I figured it was somehow my fault. Was I there or was I not? The Friend within me was as missing as was the father without.

Theoretical Concepts upon Which Interpretations Are Based

Jean Houston describes an endless spiral of defeat and numbness by not confronting loss and shame as a self-betrayal. This devaluing of who you are and embracing inauthentic suffering is isolating and promises an unfulfilling limbo without spiritual and emotional substance. 7 Elaborating on this, Omer says this false innocence is a perceptual problem that closes off authentic connection and true intimacy. Lambert notes that when children grow up too fast, exposed to mature themes without mature context or parental holding, there is a premature loss of innocence. 8 In these cases, continues Omer, betrayal is a blessing; it generates shame and it signals that we have transgressed personal or cultural bounds and that we are out of sync with the world around us. Shame, according to Omer, is the reaction of a person not being met when they expect to be acknowledged and held. The resulting shame can become the drive that forces one to look for that joining and belonging contained in the act of accepting someone. 9 Nathanson notes that for most people, anything is better than experiencing the sensation of shame. There is an impulse to translate the feeling to some other context or

112 frame. He says that we try to cobble together a defensive script that will support an alternative and more acceptable view of reality.

Winnicott defines the unauthentic consciousness as the false self that defends the true self. Even those who appear outwardly successful can hold an empty and unconnected not-good-enough feeling of self and feel that other people’s expectations are more important than their own. There is a persistent feeling of something missing, of feeling phony, with an accompanying impulse to fill the psychic hole.

Winnicott believes the false self is a result of inadequate not-good-enough nurturing which erodes a baby’s sense of omnipotence and well-being. 10 Freud addresses the human attraction to identifying with self-defining story rather than reality-based loss and the pain of grief. He draws a distinction between normal grieving and melancholia

(depression) where the melancholic is drawn to the idea of the loss rather than the object of the loss. As Freud puts it, “He knows whom he has lost but not what he has lost.” 11

Kalshed figures that traumatic experience has the power to erase chunks of the human experience and that a person subjected to deep trauma may not have access to important and related parts of their personal history. 12 This is also addressed by Freyd, who proposes that betrayal of trust creates a schism between “external reality and a necessary system of social dependence.” She says that in such deep betrayals, there may be a simultaneous traumatic physical event, such as rape, along with the shattering of trust. Many childhood traumas share these elements. Freyd further states that the emotional pain associated with deep betrayal is a product of human evolution as well as a trigger for changing social relationships and structures. 13

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Anna Freud elaborates along this line to point out that trauma is subject to the nature of the event as well of the intensity of what happened. 14 Michael Balint notes that trauma leads to primitive object relations, intense anxiety, and to a tendency to regress under stress. Balint advocates facilitating a “benign form of regression” to or before the historic trauma in order to allow the person to “begin anew.” 15 Hollis associates disowned psychological states of being with the ability to access the important regions of the psyche, “your unique nature” and particularly to the “soul.” 16 This includes grieving for what has been lost. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross identifies five stages of grief that can be loosely identified as the five stages of betrayal: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Gerry R. Cox advises that while normal grief symptoms gradually fade over a few months, those of complicated grief linger or get worse and are magnified by multiple past losses. 17

Meade views betrayal as an act that strips away false illusions and says that the path of innocence, bitterness, and blame can be rejected; then betrayal can lead back to what is essentially one’s own. 18 Your own is the voice of the Friend who is not tied to the moment but to the soul and creative action. 19 The Friend is part of the constructive constellation of the Peer Principle, remarks Omer, and is a context for transformative learning and transforming the shame of betrayal toward engaging the initiatory process.

The transformational journey needs peers to hold and witness change.” 20 We need friends for this journey, and the one within provides ego support and courage as well as facilitates the journey. 21

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My Interpretations of What Happened

Milton, Summer, and Michelle suffered through exceptional trauma in which they were betrayed by their parents in gratuitous and cruel ways. Betrayal produced individuals who in reality are incomplete, stunted in maturation, and cynical in their naiveté. They tightly hold onto what they know, either through a literal landscape that provides comfort because it is unchanging or through immature thoughts best expressed as dreams that will magically become true. Summer, in particular, reflects her loss literally in that she has become who she is; her courage and devotion to her son define her essence. She is isolated and unchanging in a fixed world of intellect and unacknowledged grief. Michelle, however, repeatedly communicates a sense of confusion that her dreams did not come true, that this was not the way it was supposed to be.

Milton, on the other hand, seems stuck in neutral, literal by nature but cynical with experience. He is a bit of a romantic, but the romance in his heart has been extinguished.

Michelle, in particular, reveals a disconnected dream life in which she followed her impulse toward ungrounded love and was seduced and abused as a result. There was muted outrage in her memories of what was in fact a criminal seduction of a 12-year-old.

Instead of anger, there is a sense of feeling it was unfair that her love affair with her married teacher did not work out. Early in their lives, all three of the participants were debased in their sense of who they are so are now ill-equipped to emotionally function as adults. Their connections with spouses were doomed at the outset; they brought to their relationships adolescent expectations and fantasy outcomes that wilt under the glare of human frailty. They are naive and uninitiated, in unforgiving states in the real world.

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In some sense, there was an inability of these participants to grasp that they were betrayed. For example, early in the first interview, Summer was confused by the term betrayal and asked for a dictionary-based definition. There lies an unconscious nexus of loss that anchors two very different ways of holding: one through normal grieving and the other in a kind of suspended animation wherein shame is suppressed and the ego image is expressed as a never-ending and static story of victimization and tragedy. With these participants, there is a sense of a failure of early caretaking and not -good-enough mothering. 22 The Walking Backwards Exercise accessed betrayal traumas (see

Methodology); as the participants retrieved past betrayals, they incrementally approached some basic fault. Each step backward engaged their own “disowned psychological states of being, including anger, loss and betrayal.” They sometimes appeared unaware that they were on the cusp of self-awareness; they were on the verge almost grieving what has been lost. With each step, they approached the tipping point between hermetic paralysis and the wider world of exploration and emotional growth. Each step backward drew them to the brink, discarding the old clothes of inappropriate naiveté and innocence 23 and embracing the affective world of loss, grief and betrayal. As Hollis argues, “Betrayal stings us toward individuation.” 24

Milton says it best for the three of them: “I was an in-betweener,” (sic) popular with all childhood groups but belonging to none. Milton, for all his stoicism and flat affect, is the most touching with his fear of having a heart attack. In fact, the psychosomatic pains in his chest evoked images of a broken heart and a broken soul. Like

Michelle, his dreams are shattered, and like Humpty Dumpty, there is no way to put them back together again. Where are his friends to re-assemble the pieces? It is the Friends

116 who trigger and build the supportive subjectivity within the human breast. The voice of the Friend is not tied to the moment but to the soul and creative action. It provides the clear vision, the honest rebuttal to the authoritative voice and the acknowledgment of shame rather than blame. All three in the Guide Exercise found the ego courage to stand naked at the portal of initiation and all seemed to falter in the face of uncertainty. They have grieved in their ways and perhaps understand that without compassion and care of the soul, nothing changes and the tortured soul is made available for yet another betrayal.

Validity Considerations

Great care was taken in the research design to build a series of trust building exercises that would support the participants’ willingness to reveal what they would regard as their most private and shameful interpersonal experiences. A significant part of the interviews was devoted to such activities as guided meditations whose sole object was to help the participants relax and, to the extent possible, allow the betrayal stories to emerge. Milton,

Summer, and Michelle: in each case, there seems to be a remarkable similarity in the kind and depth of betrayal trauma as well as the participants’ controlled affect and their attachment to their story. In a way, they each validate the Learning through the consistency of their stories. Validity in the participatory paradigm is established through inter-subjectivity, which entails accounting for all aspects of the inter-subjective field, inclusive of the researcher, participants, as well as parallels with pertinent existing literature.

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Learning Two: Shades of Grey – Abandon Truth

The primary claim of this Learning states that betrayal is built on personal and divergent truths that are hard to alter or let go of. It becomes a carefully nuanced story told almost by rote to anyone who will listen and over time becomes calcified and a weight on the soul. The carefully nurtured truth of broken trust is not pure and unadulterated but is a product of a personal and unique history; it might be more accurate to say “my truth” or “your truth” rather than “the truth.”

What Happened

Mary (pseudonym) and Ernest (pseudonym), more than the other participants, hold their convictions in clear, absolute terms and yet reveal capacities for compromise and mediation. Mary is originally from Eastern Europe, and more than the other participants, seems very grounded and comfortable with herself. Ernest is the youngest child of a Southeast Asian family who is creative and introspective. He was very absolute in his recollections of betrayal, which are centered in his childhood with his mother and six older siblings. He seems estranged from both his father and mother, although he grants that he loves his mother.

Mary casts betrayal in two events: when her father was being cheated in real estate deals by a once beloved relative and when she was betrayed by her best friend.

She remembers feeling “shocked that it could happen; my body felt like it was frozen.” 25 Mary was nuanced in her view of betrayal; she reflected on her past cheating boyfriend, saying “It is rejection, not betrayal.” 26 Later she similarly noted,

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“When you are ending a relationship and there is no shocking experience…is it then betrayal?” 27 In the next exercise she composed her betrayal story as a fairy tale in which her clear-cut compass of right and wrong is further revealed. In Mary’s retelling, her story is a fable, and she more than other participants uses a classic and abstract fairy tale form. She wrote of two boys, best friends who desperately wanted to be magicians, but their mentor, an old magician, could teach only one of them.

Conflicted, they sought the help of an old lady in the woods, who prophesized that the first one to find a white sparrow and give it to the magician would become a famous magician. While one friend slept, the other caught a sparrow, painted it white and later won the competition. Mary concludes that the boy who became a magician was never happy with his success and he never told his friend what he had done.

Later in the interviews I examined the conceptualizing of betrayal through another lens: in the Metaphor Exercise using words and art. Mary picked her words in order of importance, reflecting the feeling most important and present as:

Untrustworthy, Friend, The End, Cheating, and finally Lying. Mary drew a mouth for

Untrustworthy and said that if someone is untrustworthy, “I won’t talk . . . it is my mouth, but I am not talking and if you do talk, I am not listening.” The next betrayal metaphor was ironically Friend, which was drawn as a brown steaming cup of tea. To her, it represents a “symbol of warmth . . . it is everything opposite of betrayal . . . something I don’t want to happen.” Next in importance is a drawing of The End, depicted as blue raindrops representing “something ends, or may end, fear of ending.” She elaborated that the end was as in the end of friendship. 28 The next step in the Art Exercise was for her to hold the combined drawings, ordered by the most

119 present emotion first, up to the light. The images on wax paper were semitransparent so they overlapped. Some were blurred, and some stronger images shone through. Mary reacted immediately: “Wow, whoa, that’s cool . . . very emotional and many feelings. It is dramatic. Lying comes through . . . the tears come through . . . the whole thing as well as the snake.” 29

In contrast to Mary’s grounded family, Ernest described his mother as weak and always needing a man in her life. His father, he recollected, was physical and violent. Later in the session, I invited Ernest to write a fairy tale about the betrayal, and he penned a delicate and mythic journey. He follows his father into the cold, dark woods with the sounds of animals all around, a cabin where he looks through a window to see his father embrace his estranged mother. Later, at the end of the

Walking Backwards Exercise, he recollected other past betrayals; he said his memories were “like ripping a band aid off a wound . . . that wound is always going to be there.” 30 Finally, at the end of the interviews, in the Guide Exercise, Ernest relates that the Guide has told him that “it may be important for me to know the truth, knowing that truth should not change what I do . . . it does not matter what anyone’s truths are.” 31

Ernest’s most present metaphors regarding betrayal were Stone, Recognition,

Recovery, Tiredness, and Anger. The image of stone seems iconic; it was featured when asked how he felt about his betrayal fairy tale in the first interview. He said, “I feel a stone, as if I am trying to speak through or past a stone in my chest . . . the stone is a blockage, a weight.” 32 He continued that the feeling of stone makes things more real, that it is comforting but hard to handle. He said it made him feel that “it is

120 a sign that I am not detached. I am not blocked off. The fact that it is still there means that I have not detached myself yet.” 33 He said, “The stone is in my chest.” 34

“The feeling is like it is lying on my chest, squashing everything in there. There is less space for meaningless anger . . . the stone is a bit of a shape shifter, times when it is prominent and there are times when it is a pebble. When it is big it is as big as an ostrich egg and mottled in shades of gray and white and smells like a clean mineral flavor.” 35

How I Was Affected

I admired the way Mary participated in the interview—seemingly open, direct, and unapologetic. She did not communicate to me the level of trauma of other participants, so I did not have much response. I did not feel disengaged; I just had little affective reaction to what she said. I looked for anything that might have turned off my feelings and found little. If anything, I just liked her. She was passionate about lying love stories, intuitively drawn to the theme. I admired Ernest in his truth- telling posture and his young fantasy of his mother and father embracing. I could see his inability to leave his position of protective isolation and his block in participating in this intimacy. This tragic scene melded with my own loss. The stone imagery literally weighed me down. Ernest’s stone imagery was claustrophobic yet comforting. The leaden stone of the death of my wife, Cielo, 11 years ago kept me from floating away in my intense grief. I had moments when the grief lessened to the extent that the possibility of no longer feeling intense pain of loss scared me because it felt as if I were losing this last connection with her. Even years later, before family

121 anniversaries such as Christmas and particularly the date of her death, I literally felt an oppressive somatic weight. I felt that I was carrying a heavy load; I was transported to an unearthly planet of multiple gravities, pulling me into the soil below. I moved slowly; and I was always exhausted. Then, magically and perhaps sadly, the leaden burden on my back and shoulders would disappear the day after

Cielo’s death anniversary.

Imaginal Structures in Use

I was a practitioner and a product of black and white thinking, particularly when I was young. As a teenager, I was repelled by most girls because they did not meet my idea of perfection: breasts too big or small; personality too loud or too quiet. I had no real-life heroes because, as I discovered later, everyone had feet of clay. John Wayne, with his macho perfection, was my god; settling for less diminished my already imperfect existence on this earth. A few months after being married for the first time, while walking across the Cal campus on a brilliant Fall day, I felt longing and a desire for the chirpy coeds passing by. In my isolated and anemic view, I felt I was betraying my wife, that I was not worthy of her if I had such inappropriate feelings of lust.

It was a revelation to discover the world of grey; to understand grey was good. In my social world, my young eyes saw grey as mediation of input and as equivocation, weakness, and disgrace. Later, in my relationship with my current wife, who is from Southeast Asia, I discovered a different way of looking at how I hold important ego values. From the beginning of our relationship, she raised

122 questions regarding our relationship in terms of Thai/Buddhist relativity. That is, literally, “What percent do you love me today?” “What percent do you trust me today?” I was ushered into an alien world of subjectivity in which it was possible to say, “Today I love you 75 percent and trust you 25 percent” without a kickback of shame or borderline meltdown.

Theoretical Concepts Upon Which Interpretations Are Based

Bion speaks of the notion that “the truth will out,” particularly in a non-controlled emotionally laden situation. 36 Bell says the word truth makes people nervous, likely prompting them to ask “Whose truth?” Block points out that the relative nature of betrayal implies a broken promise, but sometimes it is not betrayal when no such promise was made. 37 Moore notes that the matter of truth can defy logic and rationality, that it is rarely simple or the fact of the matter. “Truth is so loaded with hidden assumptions,” he continues, that he says never uses the word. 38 H. Kelman says that the notion of degrees of feeling and shades of grey does not exist for some. 39 “Black and white, split-off mentality,” reflects S. Tower, separates feeling from thinking in an environment where immediate decision making takes priority. 40

Klein adds that all-or-nothing thinking could reflect “splitting the ego” in the case of a shaky sense of self. Splitting or all-or-nothing thinking may reflect segregating mental concepts seen in “black and white thinking.” 41 She argues that the earliest experiences of the infant are split between wholly good ones with good objects and wholly bad experiences with bad objects as children struggle to integrate the two primary

123 drives, love and hate, into constructive social interaction. An important step in childhood development is the gradual depolarization of these two drives. 42

In a more nuanced analysis, Griffen expresses strong views on how the dualistic and reductionist paradigm of today has influenced popular cultural opinions of truth. 43

He states that in our society, there are strong black and white mindsets in which important interpersonal relationships are seen in a dualistic, good versus bad paradigm.

Griffen defines the term dualism in a number of ways, including the polarities of “an actual and ideal world,” “good and evil,” and “mind and body.” 44 Kalshed speaks of two areas of experience: transitional space between the ego and the external world of reality and the inner symbolic space between the various parts of the internal world. In the face of extreme childhood trauma, he writes, internally there is a split in ego as well as a corresponding split in the “potential space” where the personality resides between illusion and reality. 45

Jung suggests that positions held as opposites not only create an intervening tension, but if maintained through premature reconciliation, will produce a creative and perhaps unexpected third solution. This third way can supersede the logic and history of each conscious position, can move beyond what might seem to be conventional alternatives, and always smacks of creativity and willingness to suspend prejudices. This third represents and reflects both sides “just as a waterfall visibly mediates the between the above and below.” 46 Jung further elaborates that once the mediating concept is formed from the unconscious, it is not clear how it will be reconciled to the ego. In order for this position to succeed, the conscious subjectivity must trust its unconscious origin and its inherent validity. The energy of the opposites is directed toward a common

124 purpose and the stasis is eroded, allowing indecision to move toward power and actualization. 47

Hermes is the god who comfortably holds the energy of opposites as well as the span of extremes, occupying space way beyond the “dualistic and reductionist paradigm.”

It is the space of the psyche to transform that is so succinctly expressed in Lopez-

Pedraza’s principle that “alchemy is the psychology of the paradox.” 48 By abandoning and maybe stripping away of tightly-held shadow structures, one is able hold the paradox of life’s events, ready for the next step. “It is Hermes who, with his graceful trickery, can connect such dark places.” 49 As the god of communication and roads, Hermes is the archetypal boundary setter and the master of blurring and distorting boundaries. He is the

Lord of the Roads, and by extension, the mediator of life’s journey and the mediator between the cosmos and the individual, between God and humanity. 50 Hermes provides a conceptual gateway to the unimaginable, best expressed by the Japanese word soteigai, meaning outside the imagination. 51

My Interpretations of What Happened

There are few words in the English language that mean to un-betray or to un- truth. There are many words for the efforts to repair, make up for, or forgive traumatic breaking of trust. Other powerful words, such as kill, hate, love, and truth are so massaged in use that they are both devalued and easily amended. For example, “I don’t love you” can change in word and fact to “I do love you.” Betrayal, on the other hand, often feels as if it cannot be undone. Betrayal is absolute. For serious betrayal, there is no

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“Well, honey, I sort of betrayed you” or “I understand you just betrayed me 25 percent.”

For both Ernest and Mary, trust, the antonym for betrayal, is paramount.

Ernest’s images of his mother and father were caricatures of the betrayer. It appeared that there were no softer qualities to mediate Ernest’s image of his mother or father. His father was described as brutal, hot tempered, with no redeeming qualities. His mother’s images flipped from being the harlot of the city to the deeply flawed man- dependent caretaker. Ernest’s betrayal story, written as fable, inadvertently damaged his dearly held rule book when he peered into the cabin in the woods. His creative imagination concocted a surprising twist in his dark shadowing of his father, which resulted in the surprising outcome of his father sharing an intimate embrace with his mother. After he shadowed his father through the dark, cold woods with animals

“breathing down his neck,” he witnessed his mother and father meeting. 52 He watched as the twin towers of his mother’s weakness and his father’s violence melted and transformed into a tender embrace. Their loving embrace shocked his carefully written scenario; the hitherto black and white landscape revealed shades of grey. It was a cathartic moment in which he was secretly able to join his mother and father in a moment of intimacy while he remained the isolated watcher.

The results of the Metaphor Exercise were dramatic, particularly the last step, in which participants held the combined drawings, ordered by the most present emotion first, up the light. The images on wax paper were semi-transparent so they overlapped; thus some were blurred while some stronger images shone through the multiple sheets of waxed paper. Mary reacted immediately: “Wow, whoa, that’s cool . . . very emotional and many feelings.” What she believed to be her most dominant image of betrayal,

126 untrustworthiness, was not visible, while what she thought was the least important feeling, lying, popped out. Significantly, Ernest in his writing and art took his betrayal metaphor of stone from the concrete and sharp edged to something quite different. He said stone can provide “comfort that I am looking for. I think of a hole, like an avocado with the seed removed.” 53 Ernest’s arresting image of the stone in the stream speaks to reconciling the extreme opposite positions in his psyche. He loves his mother/he hates his needy mother, he wants a father/no father will meet his expectations. In this imagery, he evoked the tremendous energy of the stream smashing against his stone; the otherwise immobile and quiescent stone became the instrument for dynamism and change.

Upstream waters were disrupted, roiling and diverted only to re-form in the quiet lee.

Mary’s images were similar in that her judgment was reserved for family quislings, such as the uncle who cheated her father out of deserved family-owned real estate. Betrayal brought the metaphors of “shock and the feeling of “frozen.” The threshold was high with trust as the gold standard. Lying, for Mary, was the deal breaker; the lie in the context of betrayal brought absolute isolation. She literally would not talk to a person who appeared to betray her. In Mary’s betrayal story as a fairy tale, the archetypal painted bird, she emphasized the primacy of truth and the destruction of fraudulent truth. Even in a magic universe, there is no compassion or a second chance for the uninitiated boy. Painting the black sparrow white for gain is an old morality play; the celestial order will prevail and the false object will bring ruin and sadness. 54 It is an unchanging world in which the existing dualities of black and white are pressed inward to a bright line of good and bad as well as to the distant space of extremes.

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Both Mary and Ernest shared a particularly bleak, cold, and uncompromising view of those who have failed them in some manner. In contrast, there are other ways to hold emotional commitment that accommodate the ebb and flow of human experience. For example, in the Thai culture, there is an understanding that even the most content are subject to the emotional rise and fall of relationships. A Thai can say, “today I love you

45 percent” and not communicate judgment or shame about future possibilities.

Mary, more than other participants, spoke of endings. In life, the end of relationships is difficult, and in betrayal, it is intolerable. In beautiful symbolism, Mary linked her betrayal metaphors, The End and Friend. The Friend was drawn as a steaming cup of tea, a symbol of warmth and connection. The context, she said, was that although she loves friends, there is the possibility that every relationship can be broken. It is “not so much about (being) untrustworthy,” but that someone who is close can end it. It is

“everything opposite to betrayal; something I don’t want to happen.” 55 In these images, she held a Hermes moment, a possibility of unimaginable beginnings and endings, of intimate relationships going wrong, and of blurred truths and fuzzy morals. In this, she was able to transcend boundaries of truth represented by her deep aversion to lying and to see relationships with multiple and unknown outcomes.

Validity Considerations

Art-based research has its own authenticity and is true to the extent that it has a direct connection to the ego. For example, the layering of the betrayal images for both

Ernest and Mary was significant; the intensity of the art trumped their self-imposed rules of the playing field. For Mary, seeing her combined and melded images unleashed an

128 emotional response, revealing to her a much more complete view of how she felt. For example, she said she did not have a strong reaction to lying, but the strength of her image of lying indicated she clearly did. In the same manner, her image of tears softened and humanized her pragmatic approach to the end of relationships. Ernest’s stone image was clear and appropriate, and interpretation of it could have consumed the entire chapter. The soul-connected creative process dredges up feelings that need to be expressed as they are essential in the transformative journey. The layering of the betrayal images for both was significant; the intensity of the art trumped the rules of the playing field.

Learning Three: The Role of the Victim – The Dead-end Road

The primary claim of this Learning states that the betrayed are vulnerable to getting stuck in an entrenched victim identity, in part because being a victim of betrayal helps explain what can otherwise be seen, existentially, as inexplicable. Building a deep identity of victim can define this experience into clear components of right and wrong, good and evil, perfection and imperfection. Betrayal also carries the shame of not being competent, mature, or lovable. The victim persona can feed into the childhood subjectivity of having been globally responsible for interpersonal failures which can lend a sense of validity to lifelong feelings of being scapegoated.

What Happened

Summer and Stella (pseudonym) shared feelings of persecution, of being discounted, and of not being understood by those closest to them. They both

129 communicated feelings of being trapped, without options other than blind forgiveness or disassociation. Summer remembered the pressure from her husband and mother-in-law to conform to their family values and patterns. She tried to reach out to her husband who

“didn’t want to say no to his parents. Nobody ever stood up to dad and nobody disappointed mom; mom came first, there was no room for me in his life.” 56 After her wedding, she said, “I wish I did not get all these gifts; I could buy them myself.” She was going to law school, serving on the prestigious law review, and getting married. Summer continued: “It was too much for me. I needed room because to me when I got married, it added many other roles that I wanted to fulfill with perfection because I was a perfectionist.” 57 Summer said, “I exceeded every expectation my family and my friends have, level of education, wanted a baby, had it in one try, everything came easy. The money kept coming. But none of that was making me happy.” 58 “I wanted freedom from all that, but I didn’t know who me was.” She remembered in the Walking Backwards

Exercise that her mother said her father did not want a girl; he wanted a boy.” Summer said, “The boy thing stayed with me for a long time. Perhaps even now . . . I am not the one who decided to have sex and get pregnant (with me). The betrayal had to do with my mom blaming me; because she was pregnant, my dad fooled around.” 59

Stella is a mental health professional from Southeast Asia who joined her mother in the United States and met the father she never knew existed when she was six. In the

Walking Backward exercise, she talked about the first time she met her father: “There was this guy waiting in a white car and I remember passing him and I thought this guy is creepy and I wanted to protect my mom. She opened the passenger side of the car and said get into the car and I thought she was crazy. She finally said this is your dad. I

130 remember crying and trying to break free, I didn’t know what dad meant . . . I felt like she tricked me.” 60 Later in the same exercise, she talked about her breakup of a six-year relationship during which her partner “said things that were putting the blame on me, a lot of ‘you’ statements: ‘you did this,’ ‘you did that.’ I later I found out he was moving in with his girlfriend after two months of us breaking up and [we] were still sharing the same apartment.” She said, “My dad treated my differently because I was a girl . . . and I always felt that I needed to prove myself . . . to get his acceptance which led me to feel angry.” 61

Stella is very protective of her youngest brother, trying to shield him from what she calls intergenerational trauma. Just after the first meditation, she talked about her childhood and the history of domestic violence. As a child, she recounted seeing her mom

“vulnerable . . . and helpless. It was frightening for me because my mom is acting this way. I don't know how to take care of her. I'm scared. I don't understand what this all means and I want my mom to take care of me but she can't and my dad, he is supposed to be the bad guy, and yet I also want him to take care of me, to explain, to comfort, to nurture. He couldn’t go there.” She continued, “The biggest emotion growing up was fear. Fear of what do I do? Who it going to take care of me? Who’s going to explain this to me . . . how am I supposed to grow up in this kind of environment and have it all together?” Both Summer and Stella are lightning rods for blame and shame. They are in a bind, saddled with expectations of perfection-laden competence and exhausted by thoughts of failing those who matter most. After reviewing her betrayal story as a fairy tale, Stella reflects, “It feels like the end of innocence and pleasure.” 62 Summer ends her interview with “ . . . life is an illusion; it doesn’t exist except in my mind.” 63

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Joining a social context similar to that of Summer and Stella, Ernest lives in a world where he is about to be ambushed, attacked and misinterpreted. He is convinced that sharing emotional information opens him to misinterpretation of his confidences because people are more interested in being titillated than interacting honestly and sincerely. He says that “. . . you are trusting and exposing yourself . . . and the reaction is not what you expect . . . you feel that you are being betrayed.” Later he identifies his primary metaphor and image of betrayal as “being tired”; it is a drawing of a park,

“seeing people on benches abjectly tired.” This is followed by the metaphor “stone,” which he describes as “I am a stone . . . and I am both sides.” In descending order of importance, he presents the metaphor “Recognition”, described as “something is happening”; “Truth”, about which he says “ . . . you have to decide what it means to you .

. . it is your truth”; “Recovery”, “a little sapling growing after a lightning strike”; and finally “Anger”, described as mountains in “ a snow storm, a white-out . . . instead of fighting I accept.” Ernest interpreted the combined translucent images: the “mountains come through strongly” as does the “recovery” tree, while the previously strongest metaphor, “tired”, disappears.

How I Was Affected

I identified with Stella when she received the call from her mother on her birthday, anticipating a friendly wish, when instead she was forced to endure yet another parental disaster. When I first heard Stella tell this story, and subsequently hearing it again and again on her recording, my stomach tightened. I was repelled. This was a momentary reaction that was quickly replaced by intellectual indifference and boredom.

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It made me remember the many times I would eagerly anticipate some special occasion

— going fishing, camping, or Christmas — and at the 11th hour my mother would cancel the trip or occasion over what seemed like a minor childhood infraction. When I was young, this was a disaster, the magnitude of which could only be appreciated from a youthful sense of anticipation. I would cry and plead, and then sometimes my mother would relent. Over time, this ritual became old, and even if she eventually relented, the bloom was off the rose. In my adolescence, I became jaded; after one seemingly arbitrary and cruel cancelation of a treasured trip, I went to my room, lay on my bed and cried seemingly for hours. Only much later in my life did I realize that that was the last time I had cried for many, many years.

Ernest’s distrust of exposing his emotions mirrors my own experience until late in life where I had to learn to blindly express or explode. Even when he is engaged in what seems to be the most paranoid and victim subjectivity, I sense as I do in myself a core of risk taking, a deep restlessness with the status quo and an impulse to fix things. I find myself rooting for Ernest. I admire his truth telling and his ability to take risks in exposing his tender psyche. He is a role model for me.

Imaginal Structures in Use

I hate to be blamed; I always have. I realized much later in life that I carried huge shame and a strong scapegoat element in my psyche. As a result, I am very sensitive to blame and also find it difficult to blame others. I think this is based on early childhood experiences with a screaming mother who self-diagnosed as borderline. I was always hyper alert in a universe that made no sense. I think I probably had some childhood

133 disorder (e.g., central auditory processing problem) that left me incompetent socially so constantly getting into trouble for inappropriate or clumsy behaviors. I remember feeling the threat of something heavy and dangerous hanging over my head and of not having a clue how to avoid the coming pain. In retrospect, I felt as if I had a mark of Cain that attracted malevolent forces. It was as if some cosmic entity was assigning blame and I was the target. I never thought of myself as a victim; I was simply unaware and drifted to the fringes, becoming an outsider-outlier.

Theoretical Concepts Upon Which Interpretations Are Based

The trauma of deep betrayal almost unconsciously assigns the aggrieved a new identity, particularly that of the victim. Although the role explains the inexplicable and takes the moral high ground, it is also a position that attracts fault, guilt, and the projection of others. The victim becomes the recipient of qualities that are unacceptable and intolerable to others and is emotionally frozen with their unchanging story of persecution. The victim radiates energies of need, momentary vulnerability, and lack of focus. The victim can be a target of community projection, scapegoated and isolated, imbued with the qualities of taboo and subject to actual or figurative exile. Taboo indicates culturally forbidden territory, while disowned subjectivities refer to that which has been denied from consciousness. The positions that are collectively disowned become taboo, whereas those that are localized to being individually disowned are not necessarily collectively shared and therefore not taboo. Freud defined the Polynesian word for taboo as both sacred and forbidden. 64

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Betrayal is a kind of scapegoating, suggests Omer, particularly if you are listening to a different drummer. He says, “The deepest fear is about the places where some quality of the soul is missing but our soul knows it is our nature to have that capacity . . . and envy is how we cope with the deficiency . . . we cope by destroying that capacity in others.” He adds that our shame-driven envy is hidden from each other and from ourselves. It is painful to feel deficient in these core capacities and to feel how “we harm others as we cope with these deficiencies.” He notes that we envy the people to whom we are most attached, such as parents, many of whom tend to envy their adolescent children.

We can only embrace our freedom from envy to the extent that we have the capacity for autonomy; shame must transmute to autonomy. 65 Gershen Kaufman globalizes the argument around shame with “It's been under taboo for so long . . . if we are to survive on this planet, then we have to come to terms with shame.” 66 M. Scott Peck discusses chaos, emptiness, and community, particularly the concept of pseudocommunity, all of which relate to the challenge of disconnecting from the shamed victim image. 67

Pseudocommunity is characterized as a group of people who minimize their differences to avoid conflict; as a consequence, the victim and scapegoated are normalized in their outlier positions. .

Perera tells a story of an early and archaic scapegoat complex, whereby members of a Jewish community symbolically isolated and impugned certain individuals associated with projected evil and wrongdoing. Symbolic objects were cast out the community, sometimes literally a goat, so that the remaining members could feel free from the pall of community guilt. Those accused felt a global responsibility in their sense of unworthiness. 68 She notes that scapegoating is part of the human psychological

135 character and that in the act of accusing or blaming we are unaware of our own masked and shamed subjectivities. The accused who feel the helplessness of the victim-ego, on other hand, feel a justified global responsibility in their sense of unworthiness. 69 There is often attendant gatekeeping, that is, the voice of the inner judgmental critic which prevents acceptance of these shadow entities as parts of our selves. 70 Disowned subjectivities are often projected onto others, so they are seen as particular qualities which are communally accepted as alien and threatening. These scapegoats are betrayed by the social collective who for most protects and nurtures. They feel betrayed and diminished; with the community judgment “You take up too much space!” Perera says with scapegoat-identified individuals, self-assertion is repressed into personal shadow or projected onto others. 71

My Interpretations of What Happened

In the world of rationality and cause and effect, betrayal breeds victimization which is played out in disassociated thoughts of righteously getting even or magically getting over it. That the injured should welcome compassion is corrupted by a whiff of narcissism and suspect sincerity which can transform into contagious persecution. The victim role is seductive; it is an archetype that needs little explanation. It is this fall to the bottom that affords a rare moment of freedom from structures of obligation to family and friends. Victimization can also activate a liminal moment when the traumatized ego has the freedom to explore other options. For a relatively short time, the victim enjoys a time out; however, it is a state that quickly becomes stale, a sad story told too often. The

136 liminal moment to exercise options is brief and fleeting before the role acquires the rigid mantle of honorable persecution and the false posture of the heroic victim.

Summer was stuck in a pseudocommunity where the pressure to conform was immense. The ability to validate her uniqueness and significant accomplishments was not relevant and or valued. She seemed to prefer to take positions that required the least self- assertion, reflecting an internalized fear of taking up too much space. Her family, whom she remained doggedly attached to, was no help; her mother and father blame her for existing, and at least one sister has consistently betrayed her with extraordinary craven acts. Her husband was in the thrall of his mother and father, particularly his mother, who implicitly saw Summer as not worthy of her son or association with her family. She was so distanced from a supportive voice; hers as well as others, that she felt invisible yet seemed unaware of her isolation and persecution. There was no place for her in her husband’s family; she was tolerated simply because she had bred a son. She said several times that if her fairy tale marriage was a good as it gets, she would rather be dead. It is a statement of a victim who is at the end of her rope; all she lacked were the concrete steps to end her suffering. Most participants described family situations with the qualities of pseudocommunity. Summer was not alone; many participants preferred taking positions that required less self-assertion. They had an aversion to aggressive personas who blamed others for taking up too much space.

Summer reflected a controlling aspect of the Athena archetype in which she strives to ensure that the variables of her life are certain and predictable. “For Athena, entering the land of emotions is an unforgivable and intolerable fault. In order to prevent such mistakes, Athena will define strict and rigid borders around her castle,

137 demonstrating her unawareness . . . Athena remains unreachable.” 72 Likewise, Summer met her ideal man and was dropped into an emotional maelstrom of uncertain subjectivities; she struggled to define her borders, insensitive and clueless to other ways.

Ironically, Summer is an intellectual who had read and studied theories around the human potential movement, which she would quote verbatim. When she left her husband, she was at that liminal moment when the structures that had supported her were washed away. She left, or perhaps was banished from her husband’s family, to embark on a journey of meaning making. It appears, like Athena, she sought relief in building new walls around her; she remained oblivious to a victim persona or the possibility of scapegoat subjectivity. Now she is conscious that she is blamed but does not assign blame; Summer is seemingly redeemed by her intellectual pursuits in human potential literature. However, it is unlikely that redemption can be found in the psychic cellar of the ego.

At times during the interview, Stella evoked the hopeless dejection of the exiled and scapegoated Holocausted Goat in that she soldiered on, if only to retain contact with her beloved child. Stella lives in a world in which she feels responsible for everyone she cares about yet feels constantly victimized for her good intentions. She is a lightning rod for family drama; her life is lived vicariously through those she loves. From her perspective, she suffers from unwarranted neglect and persecution. Like Summer, Stella is seemingly unaware of her own disowned shadows so projects her own childhood pain onto others in the form of her control and protection. The focus on her youngest brother is maternal and fiercely protective. The absence of a father whipsaws her between attraction to and hate of her late-found father. 73 She has never been able to process that

138 terrifying childhood memory of her mother’s clumsy first-time introduction to her father.

As an adult, she has still not resolved this conflict so continues to regard her family and probably the world as a hostile place. For her, every relationship has the seeds of blame and fault; a shadow hovers over every new romance.

Perera’s scapegoat complex is Stella’s indigestible moveable feast, alternating from the role of critical judge to that of the victim. She sits in judgment of her parents, finding both her mother and father less than adequate. Her mother’s continued attachment to her bigamist father defies Stella’s powers of reasoning and condemns her mother as a crippled dependent. Her father represents in her eyes a long list of dashed expectations along with an ungrounded fantasy of daughter-father intimacy. She laments, “He is supposed to be the bad guy, and yet I also want him to take care of me.” It is a child crying out for parental succor, wanting some undefined thing that will give her comfort.

When she thinks of her father, she gets angry, shortcutting the shame of a father who does not want her. She is immobilized by her disowned shadow and her inability to overcome her fear of the world around her. Stella shares with Summer a feeling of being imprisoned in literal worlds in which they are perennial outsiders defending themselves against those who are closest to them.

Ernest’s victimization has a different trajectory. He exudes the hubris of the victim; that is, no one understands him or is worthy of shared confidences which may unearth the real Ernest. He seems to anticipate the worst and has no expectation that the uninitiated will consider his sensitivities with understanding or compassion. However, his

Metaphor-Art Exercise is a revelation: like a grey prickly desert cactus erupting in delicate and vulnerable spring flowers, it is unexpected and transformative. In quick

139 visual shorthand, he starts with the loneliness of a park bench, moves to the stubbornness of a rock, and then segues into a surprising mature insight on truth. In the combined drawing, his capacity to individuate is particularly striking in the tableau of a sapling growing through a snow storm while the former most important metaphor of “tired” is obscured by other images. It is as if his consciousness has moved in the space of minutes, in clear and evocative images, from the isolated victim to an evolved individual comfortably holding multiple and differing subjectivities.

Validity Considerations

Although the research was conducted with individual interviews and not as an interacting group, the participatory validity was reflected in the authenticity of participation as well as the strength of the theoretical field. The quoted narrative from the interviews with Summer, Stella and Ernest was direct and compelling; there was no soft pedaling of events or conscious altering of their story to avoid shame. Their narratives reflected unique but overlapping vectors on a roughly common theme. All were lightning rods for their families, becoming disowned and shadowed subjectivities inhabiting a victim persona.

Stella embodies the double-edged instrument of the scapegoat complex. She is the family fixer who is blamed when things go awry. Summer is the totem of bad luck by being female and as such responsible for her father’s betrayals. Stella’s sensitivity to

“you” statements reveals her vulnerability to blame and scapegoating and her attachment to the role of victim. Ernest provides a remarkable capacity for both victim and other subjectivities as expressed in the Metaphor and Art Exercises. The wealth of transcript

140 material has been overwhelming, but it provides numerous examples and media in which to reality test this learning. Using high-quality and well-regarded theoretical frames such as Perera’s scapegoat complex challenged the data as well as validated a unique and original learning.

Learning Four: The Scapegoated Hero’s Journey – the Road to Redemption

This Learning is related to and builds on Learning Three. It states that the wound of persecution can be the catalyst to a world of autonomy, self-discovery, and redemption. Within the scapegoat complex is a role for the wanderer who escapes communal structures and is open to the uncertainties and surprises of the road. Driven by belief and hurt, there is an openness to experience change and initiation.

What Happened

Stella, Summer and also Tabitha (pseudonym) experienced feelings of persecution and scapegoating as well as a drive to literally and conceptually escape the feelings of being devalued and invisible. Summer shared that regardless of how hard she tried to meet others’ expectations and how perfect her life appeared, she wanted to escape this gilded cage. She says, “I wanted to live “subterraneanly” (sic)…. I did not want to live the life we were having. I wish I could just be a hermit…I wanted to live like Gollum.” 74

She is so desperate; in fact, she freely reflects that she considered death as a viable option to escape the smothering weight of her husband’s family. Furthermore, she moved her residence 500 miles away from this family, which meant further separating herself from her cherished son. Summer, in writing about her betrayal in the fairy tale story exercise,

141 ended the story with: “She learned to overcome her anger . . . she mentally suffered and needed to find a way out of suffering…she needed to transcend the pain and she did just that.” 75

Tabitha is a graduate student who grew up in a small town in the Southwest and did not begin to speak English until late childhood. She felt isolated and abandoned, describing herself as a geek when she was young. No one liked her at school; she ate lunch by herself. Her father was an emotionally absent disciplinarian and her mother a schizophrenic. Toward the end of the first interview, I ask Tabitha to write her story of betrayal: “Every day my family hates each other. I smile too much and play with my

Barbie dolls. I was completely alone to deal with my crazy family.” She continues, “My mother was very depressed . . . she was not there . . . . day would turn into night and no one would turn on the lights.” Tabitha wails to the memory of her young mother, “You let my father beat you up, how could you let go of your mind, you couldn’t protect me because you could not protect yourself.” 76

“I was the biggest daydreamer ever . . . I escaped. When things were really rough,

I would hide under the trailer.” 77 In the first guided meditation Tabitha questioned the person who betrayed her, her beloved sister, “How could you have left me? I miss you . .

. I miss your sense of humor and your kindness and what I miss most is the comfort you used to give me . . .I used to crawl in bed with you . . . and then you got sick.” 78 The sickness it turned out was early onset schizophrenia. She continued: “When I was 18 and she had sex with my recent boyfriend . . . I was really heartbroken about it . . . because it was my sister.” 79

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Later, in the Walking Backwards Exercise, Tabitha mused, “I think I had a realization that holding onto this idea of betrayal is just bogus . . . there is nothing there to be betrayed, it is just this idea we have of ourselves.” Later she says, “It is an important place to be . . . being aware you are a victim . . . . then you can speak from that place more and you can say . . . how you dare do this to me!” 80 In the same exercise, Tabitha rants against her sister and acknowledges that her mother was lost in her mental illness and then flashes to reflection and self-knowledge. She laments, “How could you betray me? I am thinking now . . . there is no betrayal. The betrayal is of a made up person. Oh poor me, how could this happen to me . . . it is just life . . . there is no betrayal.”

In the last guided meditation, the Guide was evoked, and Tabitha was asked to speak from the “I” friend position, the Friend within. She spoke from a place of reflection and wisdom; she had done her time as a geek, outcast, and dreamer, and was now sharing her wisdom. Her Guide was someone who knows: “she has long shaggy hair, like my hair, she looks like my sister, she looks very familiar.” 81

How I Was Affected

It was difficult to listen to Summer because she is so clear and brave in her unvarnished narrative of extreme betrayal and suffering. She was also detached and passive, sometimes laughing out of sync with the mood. It was confusing and hard to stay with her, and it was only later that I thought about my own struggles with counter transference. Although I do not think of myself as naive, the accounts of her ex-husband and sister colluding to hurt her were shocking and appalling. I could not fathom how the father of her son could be so craven as to trick her with a promise of a wedding

143 anniversary dinner in order to serve her divorce papers to ensure a tactical advantage in court. Her sister’s infamy was deeper and more devastating; she colluded with the ex- husband to legally deny Summer custodial rights to her son. However, it was Summer’s apparent equanimity in the face of these deep betrayals that left me feeling as if I were inexplicably missing something. I could not relate. As a consequence, I felt distanced from Summer, and during the interview felt a fading interest in and compassion for her story.

Tabitha was equally frank and open about her difficult childhood. However, her sorrow and suffering felt to me deeply connected and sincere. I felt her deep, unadulterated love of her sister and mother, and I felt jealous. I would gladly serve my time under Tabitha’s trailer, where no one turned on the lights in order to experience the chaotic but deep love and nurturing that punctuated Tabitha’s young life. Tabitha’s discernment that she did not have to be a victim, that the role was bogus, surprised and uplifted me as did her drive to soldier on to the unknown.

Imaginal Structures in Use

I admire the strength of character expressed by both Summer and Tabitha. One of my favorite media genres is the teenager who stands up for what is true and right and who is brave in the face of conventional wisdom. I do not know if this is true, but my emotional memory of my childhood is of a child wandering the wilderness, without a sense of direction, who easily acquiesces to social pressures of the moment. As I have become older, I question whether this a true image of my structure or if it was tainted by

144 my absolutist tendencies that regard any mitigation of a position as weakness and lacking in resolve.

One of the reasons I was most drawn to Tabitha’s story is that it helped me constitute and validate an image of my own and similar story. The death of my wife was beyond devastating; my grief was profound and long lasting. I was without doubt in the liminal moment: my belief systems in tatters, my ego floating. I tried things that I had thought of for years but never done. On my 60th birthday I enrolled in a samba and drumming course at Esalen and danced in the Annual Fest. Later that month, on an impulse, I enrolled in Meridian University. I was interested in but did not understand at the time the Meridian’s concepts of transformative learning, reflexivity, and imaginal structures. The school supported my personal transformation that had started with the death of Cielo; I learned among other things that her death could be seen as a cataclysmic abandonment and betrayal that was emotionally inflated and linked to those in my past.

Something within me made a choice not to spiritually and literally die or to sink into the paralysis of everlasting grief, but to strike out blindly for the unknown. Looking back, I can see that I have always had that impulse to leave the old and aim for the distant ridgeline or unexplored peak.

Theoretical Concepts Upon Which Interpretations Are Based

Cousineau captures the search for personal autonomy as he recounts the Sisyphus myth, the deep archetypal story of initiation and the role of betrayal. Sisyphus betrayed the god Zeus and was punished by the god of the underworld, Hades. 82 For his hubris and his scorn, Sisyphus was condemned to the endless labor of pushing a huge stone up a

145 mountain; as it neared the top it would roll down again. Sisyphus resolved never to allow the gods to see him defeated by despair, to be a victim. Cousineau writes that Sisyphus silently vowed that his fate was in his own hands, that he could be superior to his punishment. “The hour of consciousness,” as Camus called it, “is born out the beauty that can be heard in the midst of our ordeals.” 83

Omer’s model integrates developmental influences and four modes of experiencing. They are the symbiotic mode of experiencing during infancy; the bureaucratic mode of experiencing during childhood; the decentralized mode of experiencing during adolescence; and the collaborative mode, which is a potential mode of experiencing during adulthood. Of particular interest with respect to the scapegoat complex are Omer’s symbiotic and bureaucratic modes of experiencing. The bureaucratic mode prevails when the child begins to integrate the influence of the father principle and learns to use symbolism and language to assert his needs outside the binary mother-infant system. 84 Similarly in May’s idealized model, self-assertion emerges as the child encounters others expressing their self-affirmative needs.

Perera describes the scapegoat complex in which members of the community assume roles of the accusers and the scapegoated. Those accused assume the mantle of unworthiness, 85 unaware that they have been the target and release of the community’s shamed subjectivities and shadow entities. Perera says that in scapegoat-identified individuals, self-assertion is repressed into personal shadow or projected onto others. 86

She identifies four positions in the scapegoat complex: the Accuser, the supercritical judge; the Priest, the representative conventional morality; the Holocausted Victim, the betrayed who has suffered rejection and feels no right to live; and the Wandering Goat,

146 teller of the truth that no one wants to hear. The Wandering Goat position embodies the schizoid victim who assumes the weight of the world. They think they see more clearly than their peers and have a particularly grandiose insight into the faults of the status quo.

This position sometimes morphs into a character in the Hero’s Story, waiting for the opportunity to transmute their errors into self-awareness, community teaching, and ultimately redemption. 87

The Wandering Goat position is unique in that the scapegoat literally moves; the scapegoat, expelled from the community carrying the projected and disowned ills of the community, has access to change. The other positions seemingly are locked in their imaginal structures of pseudocommunity and taboo. In practical terms, their sense of betrayal and masked shame are attached to the very rigid manifestations of anger, revenge, and sometimes unprocessed forgiveness. It is the Wandering Goat who is forced out into the world by his unique and socially activating truths to wander in the wilderness. Another way of looking at the wilderness is as that land without signposts, a gray in-between place that evokes the liminal. It is in that space that the Wandering Goat, unique among the other scapegoat positions, has the opportunity “to be the strong one of

God” so has the possibility to approach an initiatory threshold and true redemption. 88

My Interpretations of What Happened

The betrayed are drawn to the victim role and are vulnerable to scapegoating; the scapegoated have an opportunity to transform their state of persecution into transformation and redemption. Tabitha, as much as Summer, is a victim of a dysfunctional family and particularly of a disengaged and occasionally critical and cruel

147 father. In Tabitha’s world, no one literally turns on the lights at night; she hides under the trailer-home and daydreams. She suffers from a deep sense that her prime caretakers, her mother and sister, have abandoned her due to their progressive mental illness. Tabitha inadvertently references the scapegoat complex of the Wandering Goat when she rebels against the victim subjectivity with the cry, “How could you betray me?” Within the social persecution and emotional isolation, she chooses her own way, the path of the outcast and truth seeker, leaving home shortly after high school and traveling to seek her fortune. She adamantly states in her interview that she will not be a victim. Stripped of family illusions, she embraces shadow subjectivities of her mother and sister and acknowledges those disowned shadows within herself to choose a road less traveled.

For all her family’s distorted behaviors, little effort was made to make Tabitha conform in a pseudocommunity; the family was too fractured and disorganized for this kind of effort. In a way, Tabitha’s isolation preserved her access to her creative energies, to day dream, and to process her child’s life. Although her beloved mother and sister became progressively remote due to their mental illness, there is love and an intermittent possibility of intimacy. Through her childhood play she created an imaginary autonomy, and like Sisyphus, she refused to be defeated by despair. She is adamant in embracing her shadow self when she states that this idea of betrayal is bogus and that it is important to

“be aware you are a victim.” It is as if she is saying that the way not be a victim is to recognize this subjectivity within and speak from that place in outrage and pride. In the interview, this realization lurks on the edges of her consciousness and periodically resurfaces after dialogues in which she beats herself up.

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Later in the interview, Tabitha rants against the betrayal by her sister and acknowledges that her mother was lost in her mental illness. However, she then flashes to reflection and self-knowledge, deploring, “How could you betray me? I am thinking now

. . . there is no betrayal. The betrayal is of a made-up person. Oh poor me, how could this happen to me . . . it is just life.” It is fascinating how Tabitha has the capacity to both acknowledge the deep betrayal of her family, to blame them for not being there for an unprotected child, but in the next moment be able to step away and reflect on her own victim structure. In the comment of the “made-up person,” she seems to clearly see her own victim subjectivity; instead of rejecting it, she bravely acknowledges this subjectivity.

Tabitha speaks from a place of reflection and wisdom; she had done her time as a geek, outlier and wanderer and is now sharing her wisdom. Within the scapegoat complex is a role for the wanderer, one who escapes communal structures and is open to the uncertainties and surprises of the road. It follows that there are as a matter of course individual deviations, branches in the road. This road is demarked by two different paths: one leading to repetitive cycles of shame, blame, and unprocessed grief, and the other to surrender, vulnerability, and movement to the unknown. Individual experiences of

Summer and Tabitha evoke singular and multiple betrayals, but one has the tools rooted in early attachment to discard the trappings of the victim and scapegoat. In this critical life moment, scapegoats like Tabitha are drawn toward the unknown, un-trodden path of initiation and transformation.

Summer and Tabitha bravely acknowledge and defend against the barbs of disowned shadow from their families. Stella, more than the others, is immobilized like a

149 butterfly pinned to a board. Her efforts to disengage from family entanglements are feeble and imbued with wishful thinking; there is, however, a flash of autonomy when she reflects that “sometimes I choose not to do anything.” 89 Summer and Tabitha take the path of the Wandering Goat, uncertain and dangerous, and in Summer’s case, defended herself against those closest to her. The weight of Summer’s pseudo-family pulls her off the path into the impenetrable mythic forest of lofty literalism and abandoned hearts. It is Tabitha, firmly cradling her battered soul and armed with the remnants of her mother’s and sister’s nurturing and affection, who “escaped” and firmly took the lonely road to autonomy. Standing tall, she embraced the subjectivities of victim and scapegoat, and in so doing, absorbed the shame of being imperfectly loved. She chooses the Hero’s path, certain of the initiatory threshold and the expectation of finding that which was lost.

Validity Considerations

Validity for this Learning is supported by transcripts of individual interviews and the history of the researcher, theoretical material, and the preceding Learning, The Role of the Victim – The Dead-end Road. Perera’s conception of the Wandering Goat position in the scapegoat complex takes pains to document historic, social, mythic, and archetypal evidence to support her theories. Particularly relevant is her suggestion that an element of grandiosity within the Wandering Goat position energizes this position and creates the possibility of the Hero’s initiatory journey. Further supporting the Learning was my own search for meaning and change after the death of my wife. Her death wiped my life clean and I, like Tabitha, learned to sort out what was real and what was false and to cobble

150 together the character strength to move forward. As with the other Learnings, this one was further validated by comparable findings from complementary data in writing, art, and storytelling.

Learning Five: Atlas Shrugged – Power Trumps Force

This Learning states that shame-driven anger pushes the betrayed into illusory solution-oriented obligations that need to be abandoned in order to move toward initiation. The shrug is a gesture of release from obsolete and confining structures; it is the discarding of force and control in favor of power and engagement. Driven by guilt, some participants focused on managing relationships at the cost of the personal autonomy and power, a sacrifice that is necessary to move through the initiatory journey. Dumping unneeded, self-imposed responsibilities relieves the tortured soul and makes space for change.

What Happened

Two participants, Stella and Tilden (pseudonym), reveal subjectivities that are not only protective of family members but assertive and aggressive toward betrayers. As noted earlier, Stella met her father for the first time when she was five years old; she initially thought he was a stranger who was going to hurt her mom. She iterated that she feels protective of her family and spends considerable effort to heal and protect her mother and brothers from her cheating father.

A subterranean combative relationship between Stella’s mother and father became clear as she recounts a recent incident of cheating by her father. Her mother called to

151 complain, about which Stella observed, “it was very selfish of her and my dad to call me .

. . it felt like they were using the reason that it was my birthday instead of just letting it be my day.” 90 She related that she was afraid that her younger siblings at the time would have to go through the same thing she did. Subdued, she asks, “When does this . . . intergenerational trauma . . . stop . . . it just continues.” She seems to suffer from feeling that she is responsible for the happiness of her siblings. At one point, she says, “I feel strength in wanting to care for others.” Stella continues that she feels that she has an impact on the people around her, concerned about “this ripple effect . . . it makes me want to do well . . . to use my power for good instead of evil. This experience actually gives me power.” 91

During the Metaphor Exercise, Stella is challenged to find metaphors for her feelings of betrayal. With the researcher’s prompting, she makes the following statements about how she felt when betrayed: “I was so angry that I felt, I felt like my surroundings were going to collapse. So furious that wanted to break things and throw stuff. Cause damage. When I'm in that state I want to break something. It is a trembling in my body, and still is not going to be helpful. I want to let go, rather than trying to control. Standing still is not helpful. I need to release that energy. Like the Incredible Hulk.” Stella appears to reflect this in her furious and heavy metaphor drawing. The drawing is a brilliant red crosshatch with intense, hard scribbling in the center. She says “that the broad lines . . . are how it started . . . like a grid. I try to be more in my head and try to see things in my mind . . . the more I try to do that the more I feel the heavy feeling in my heart. So the middle portion is just me going [she makes the sound of heavy breathing] . . . that’s not great.” Stella ordered the drawings according to how present the particular feeling was at

152 that moment. As the researcher held the combined drawings to the light, she noted that “I see more acceptance than furious . . . I see traces of trembling. I do tremble when I am furious. The fear comes through more. You [the researcher] just pierced through my feelings.” The next exercise is another guided meditation to engage the Friend in the guise of the Guide. Stella says she felt “excited, a release” and later the Guide said to her,

“You don’t have to understand; you don’t have to fix anything. It is okay just to feel.” 92

Tilden holds an advanced professional degree and projects a warm and welcoming aura when she meets people. Her ex-partner was her first serious long-term relationship who hailed from her hometown and so shared her cultural, socioeconomic background. A disparity in education, however, emerged; she pursued a profession and he worked as a mechanic. Tilden is the first in her family to seek an advanced degree, and the growing difference in education between her and her former boyfriend put pressure on the relationship. She met her partner when she first started at a community college, and as she moved up the academic ladder, the difference in their relative social/educational levels began to stress the relationship.

She says that the greatest betrayal was that she “gave him charge of finances so he wouldn’t feel too inadequate . . . he wanted to be in charge of something . . . and he wanted to be supportive because I was so stressed with school. Every time I asked him how we are doing’ he said everything is fine.” Later Tilden found that he was not paying any bills. She discovered the magnitude of their debt when she reported her car stolen but was informed by the police that it had been repossessed. Tilden said that “when the cop delivered the final news . . . there was a lot of shame. I trusted him with all the finances, from there everything snowballed” She continued, “Everything was gone; everything we

153 worked hard for.” She was mad at herself for giving him the power to betray her in handing over the responsibility for finances. “I was enraged . . . because at one point he was holding the power . . . not telling me things, being sneaky and losing everything.” 93

In the Metaphor Exercise, Tilden’s drawing of anger is hard and blue, with rips in the paper. The next most distinctive drawing is that of sadness; it is drawn with heavy use of red radiating out the center, also with rips in the paper. She said, “Anger is more erratic . . . there were parts of my life in my relationship where I was able to express my anger . . . anger is cold. Sadness is red. Sadness has passion around it.” When the drawings were combined with sadness first and then disappointment, anger, devaluing, and not caring, Tilden reflected, “I like how the cracks (rips in the paper) show.” She remarks on her dramatic strokes in the drawing and related it to the fact that both she and her ex-boyfriend devalued each other, concluding that she saw “anger coming through, and disappointment through the cracks, and sadness dominating.” 94 In the Guide

Exercise at the end of the interviews, the Guide tells Tilden, “At times, you want to be very strong and have a lot of pride, and there is nothing wrong with that. But there is nothing wrong with not being strong. And it doesn’t mean there’s weakness . . . it just means it’s you. And it’s your passion. So it is okay not to be strong all the time.” 95

How I Was Affected

Stella and Tilden’s stories of impotent struggle to correct interpersonal disasters of their love relationships threw me into memories of and feelings about of the death of my wife. I will never forget the oncologist formally reviewing my wife’s condition: he said that the bad news was the cancer had metastasized and was terminal; the ‘good’

154 news was that because the cancer had been slow growing, she would have about a year to live. Our son was 12 years old. My wife died three months later. I hated the doctor for his false bonhomie. I remember the feeling of deep loss even before her death, the sense of myself as being the walking dead, in a life without hope or ability to effect meaningful action to save my wife. I was disconnected. After she died, I was in shock, going through the motions, almost unable to function with the exception of taking care of my son. He was my life savior, literally. Now I realize what a different place I was in—narrow and dark, without promise of relief and change.

Imaginal Structures in Use

I remember when I was about eight years old, my dad chasing a car involved in a hit and run in our beat-up 1950 Plymouth station wagon. He somehow forced the occupants to stop and held a tire iron in one hand as he confronted them. That was the archetype of courage and manhood that would dog me the rest of my life. It was the standard by which I would measure my self-worth as a man. Every perceived weakness hammered at my confidence; slights deserved retribution. Although I suffered humiliating betrayals in my life, I was unaware that there were other options than physically fighting back, getting back, in some way making the perceived betrayer suffer.

The more I plotted revenge, the greater my personal suffering. Only in my aged maturity, seasoned by the loss or my wife and my subsequent studies, did I become aware that holding hurt, hate, and grudges energized my long-dead losses.

As a child and teenager, my world of interpersonal conflict was defined by violence: mother whipped me, the grade school teacher lifted me off the floor by my “T”

155 shirt and shook me, and my principal strapped my hand. Memories of kindergarten and first grade were punctuated by having to pass through a group of older black girls who would give me a thumping daily just for the heck of it (and for being white). My dad was a pacifist during World War II and he passed on to me an absolute conflicted value of being tough and non-violent simultaneously, which was confusing to a troubled and isolated boy. I did not have a clue about how to defend myself yet felt I had an obligation as a mythical and heroic man to fight. I usually lost, but occasionally a lucky connection of an elbow and a resulting black eye would declare me a winner. Despite these rare miracle victories, as a rule I was very unhappy and felt scapegoated.

Theoretical Concepts Upon Which Interpretations Are Based

The title of this Learning derives loosely from the title of an iconic novel by Ayn

Rand, Atlas Shrugged. 96 A question is raised by a character in the book regarding what sort of advice he would give to Atlas upon seeing that "the greater effort, the heavier the world bore down on his shoulders." In the ensuing silence, the questioner answers his own question with "To shrug." The theme of Atlas Shrugged, as Rand described it, is "the role of man's mind in existence." Rather that the modern generic symbol of strength, however, Atlas symbolizes the shame of betrayal, which is locked in a paralysis of control. Jeanette Winterson imagines Atlas with “all his strength [was] focused into holding up the world. He hardly knew movement anymore . . . the monstrous weight decided everything. Why? Why not just put it down?” 97

Robert Firestone contemplates this strength as that of force and is “more an attitude or state of mind than an attempt to . . . control others. 98 Hawkins parses the

156 difference between two seemingly similar concepts of power and force. He believes power is a capacity of strength and determination while force in a social context conjures the meaning of being forced to, as in compensating for projected inadequacies. He demonstrates this difference in comparing pairs of words such as allowing and controlling; although both have roughly the same meaning, allowing can be permissive and nurturing while controlling is directive and aggressive.

Nietzsche saw power as an elemental drive of man. He believed that the driving force in man is a concept of will to power which is expressed in terms of achievement, ambition, and a drive to succeed. 99 He saw this as underpinning the human capacity to feel pleasure in power and the urge of dominate. He cast this within a context of morality around good and evil, tying it to his “eternal recurrence of the same” in which he imagined the physical world in an endless cycle of struggle and force. His theories can be interpreted as that individual struggle can result in personal growth rather than domination over others. 100 Rappaport remarks that the early perspectives of motivation in behavior are the result of powerful forces in what he calls the Battle of the Titans. 101

Later in the 20th century, Adler interpreted will to power as directed toward finding meaning in life as a human motivation. 102 Anderson notes that Adler saw this as striving for superiority, for some archaic power and proposed that it can result in envy in a therapeutic relationship. He says that Klein regards envy in the power dynamic as a defense against the impact of otherness, or the greatness of others, and that from this perspective can be regarded an attempt to preserve a sense of self against the terror of ego annihilation. 103

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Exertion of power salves the pain of shame and Nathanson suggests that when no portion of the experience of shame is acceptable, the attack-other script becomes attractive. He uses the Hollywood character of the self-effacing, mid-mannered and grieving Dr. Banner who, upon receiving an inadvertent dose of radiation, unwillingly transforms himself into a tower of righteous rage in the form of the Incredible Hulk.

Nathanson continues, “Notwithstanding our wish for power, we are all afraid of the Hulk within us.” 104 It is a rage of childhood terror that knows it cannot be protected by the loving other. 105 In another view of anger, Charney suggests that some of these same male qualities that support aggression and destruction also support separation of the mother from child and individuation. 106

Hedya elaborates on the notion that dynamic and turbulent environments can serve personal growth and integration between the tortured soul and heretofore disavowed aspects of self. Hedya argues that the life experience of betrayal leads to symbolic death which in turn provides the energy for inappropriate naiveté and innocence to transform to healing and initiation. 107 Hollis explores various disowned psychological states, particularly betrayal. He believes the purpose of life is not happiness but the discovery of the unique personal qualities of soul. 108 As do Charney and Hedya, he sees tumultuous and painful life experiences as tools for self-discovery and transformation, arguing that “betrayal stings us toward individuation.” 109 Acknowledgment of loss will inevitably lead to unvarnished core concepts. Moore literally grounds the idea of the soul by noting that it is through symptoms and the cracks in a smooth-functioning life that we perceive the important truths and history about ourselves. 110

My Interpretation of What Happened

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Early childhood feelings of inadequacy were pushed to the brink when a five- year-old Stella met her father for the first time. The clumsy introduction arranged by her mother was wrapped in guilt and shadow and Stella saw him as a danger to her mother.

This back story was present throughout Stella’s life, shaping her role as her family’s protector and savior against her cheating and lying father. In moods of omnipotence, she sees herself as responsible for stopping family intergeneration trauma, adding that she derives strength from taking care of others and is concerned about her impact on others around her. She pledged to use her power for good instead of evil. Hers is a lonely and isolated position, like Atlas holding up the massive and swirling heavens, without respite or help. She is so identified with this subjectivity that she had difficulty finding words in the Metaphor Exercise for her father’s betrayal, with one exception: her anger and rage.

Stella’s drawing of heaviness and fury in brilliant red seemed to reflect the pressure of trying to keep order in an environment that defied order. Regardless of what she did, it made little impact on her father’s cheating or her mother’s suffering dependence. The heavy red crosshatching felt like the burden of obligation, with the erratic scribbling in the middle of the drawing reflecting personal futility and her feelings of confusion and rage. The heavy and furious drawing clearly dominated the combined drawings when held to the light.

Stella’s reference to the Incredible Hulk was revealing; her transformation from a mild-mannered Asian woman to a lady of towering rage was plausible. The Incredible

Hulk is a parallel archetype to Atlas. The Hulk is heroic and demonic, not quite Atlas, but

Atlas unbound. It is the unresolved turmoil of his bending under the weight of the world,

159 and the Hulk energizing his manic persona. Stella reacted in this liminal moment of expressed shame when she said, “You just pierced through my feelings.” 111 It was a significant and rare moment. For the first time in the interview, there is a sense that Stella had departed from the script; she had revealed a precious and disarming weakness.

For Tilden, her partner’s conscious and long-term dereliction and cover-up of their finances were a multiple and egregious assault on her concept of trust and trust relationships. She could not believe she had been so completely duped, particularly when she had so carefully managed the relationship in order to empower her partner. Her rage was equally directed at her partner and herself. This rage was perhaps rooted in the childhood shame of being culturally different, being poor as a child, and particularly of loving a scheming liar. The betrayal was not so much the financial disaster as her anger at herself for innocently trying to prop up her partner’s ego; her effort to strengthen the relationship was at the cost of who she was. In her eyes, she had ordered her small universe to the benefit of both of them, but her partner not only did not support her but in fact cut her off at the knees. It is interesting that she saw this as a struggle for power between the two, a competition: punch, counter-punch. It is likely the destruction of their financial security was no accident but was a semi-conscious reaction to her position of power. It was probably the aspect of the financial responsibility being forced on the partner that ushered him down the self-destructive path. The power to say no is the response of the truly powerless, like children. Tilden’s partner said no, but she did not hear it until the cataclysmic end of the relationship.

In Tilden’s metaphor drawings, the hard blue of rage and the intense red of sadness were merged into some unnamed and towering emotion. Even the intensity of the

160 color was not enough to reflect her strength of feeling; she tore the drawing paper, which both reflected her passion and also allowed glimpses of her underlying emotions.

Between the openings of the tears and the cracks, bits of the drawing of disappointment shone through. Like the red molten magma glowing through the cracks of the solidified black lava, the glimpses of disappointment revealed Tilden’s capacity to see beyond anger and sadness and become able to move on to acknowledging her shadow subjectivities. The feeling of disappointment was critical because it ushered in the feelings of disenchantment and disillusionment, stepping stones on the path to initiatory threshold.

Toward the end of the second and last interview, the participants engaged in another guided meditation in which they encountered the Guide, or the compassionate loving friend. Like many of the other participants, Stella found a place of peace and consolidation as well as release and comfort with the last exercise when she meets and then receives the Guide’s counsel. Stella found a release and comfort with the Guide’s counsel “You don’t have to fix anything.” Tilden, on the other hand, seemed very conscious not only of her power but of the consequence of using force as a means toward an end. Her Guide’s comment, reflecting her inner friend, that “not being strong…doesn‘t mean there’s weakness,” was loving and prescient. Stella, however, had not relinquished anything; she just needed a break.

Validity Considerations

The validity of this Learning is based on a certain constancy of theme and content; mythically, the image of Atlas holding the chaotic heavens is particularly

161 appropriate. Unlike Hermes and Athena, Atlas must suffer to pay the cosmic price of deception, without the promise of redemption, forever. Further validating this Learning is the strength of the participants’ narratives supported by artistic expression. Stella’s Hulk metaphor for her rage underscores her desperate confinement in the web of hostile family. Similarly, Tilden’s intense anger is reflected in hard, cold colors and violent tearing of the art paper. In these cases, feelings communicated are clear, unambiguous and authentic and uniquely true for Stella and Tilden.

Conclusion

The Cumulative Learning Lift the Shadowed Brow and Welcome the Dawn states that working through the affects in the experience of betrayal can allow for movement from loss and ossified postures to courage and the acknowledgment of shame and anger. Such acknowledged shame can be seen as the engine that drives the suffering to a liminal moment when the possibility of change exists. Embracing betrayal-related

162 affect can be seen as an essential catalyst in stripping the ego of ungrounded stories and unleashing feelings of compassion for the intimate and conflicted soul.

The essence of Learning One, Perpetual Loss – The Unreal Soul, is that the existence of one or more tightly gripped subjectivities will resist healing processes, particularly as manifested in grieving that which was lost. The attachment to a cataclysmic loss has the power to grow and mature into an ego image of perpetual loss.

This unconscious and incremental web is a self-made prison that resists change; it becomes a major element of character and is increasingly separated from the reality of the original loss and tied to an image of self.

Learning Two, Shades of Grey – Abandon Truth, states that betrayal is built on personal and divergent truths that are hard to alter or let go of. It becomes a carefully nuanced story told almost by rote to anyone who will listen, and over time becomes a calcified weight on the soul. .The carefully nurtured truth of broken trust is not pure or unadulterated but is a product of a personal and unique history; it might be more accurate to say “my truth” or “your truth” rather than “the truth.”

Learning Three, The Role of the Victim – The Dead-end Road, states that the betrayed are vulnerable to getting stuck in an entrenched victim identity, in part because being a victim of betrayal helps explain what can otherwise be seen, existentially, as inexplicable. Building an entrenched identity of victim can define this experience into clear components of right and wrong, good and evil, and perfection/imperfection.

Betrayal also carries the shame of not being competent, mature, or lovable. The victim persona can feed into the childhood subjectivity of having been globally responsible for

163 interpersonal failures and can lend a sense of validity to what may perhaps be lifelong feelings of being scapegoated.

Learning Four, The Scapegoated Hero’s Journey – The Road to Redemption, is related to and builds on Learning Three. It states that the wound of persecution can be the catalyst to a world of autonomy, self-discovery, and redemption. Within the scapegoat complex is a role for the wanderer who escapes communal structures and thus is open to the uncertainties and surprises of the road. Driven by belief and hurt, there is an openness to experience, change and initiation.

Finally, Learning Five, Atlas Shrugged-Release from Bondage, states that shame driven anger pushes the betrayed into illusory, solution-oriented obligations that needs to be abandoned in order to move toward initiation. The shrug is a gesture of release; it is the discarding of force and control in favor of power and engagement. Driven by guilt, some participants focus on managing relationships at the cost of the personal autonomy and power necessary to move through the initiatory journey. Dumping—or shrugging off— unneeded self-imposed responsibilities relieves the tortured soul and makes space for change.

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CHAPTER 5

REFLECTIONS

This chapter situates the significance of my learning within the parameters of the theories that support the study. This includes a review of the Learnings summary and the

Research Problem and hypothesis as well as presentation of potential Learnings that could not be accommodated in the Learnings Chapter. The researcher was particularly entranced with the mythic and archetypal implications of the overall Learnings through a contemporary story of love lost and the archetypal Greek myth of Hermes. Also included is a personal discussion that addresses how the researcher’s history intersects with the study as well as the study participants. Finally, wider implications of the study are addressed from the academic perspective and the profession of psychology.

Significance of Learnings

Supported by a flood of data generated in interviews and exercise components, the study supports the hypothesis and responds thoughtfully to research questions concerning betrayal-generated shame and loss. A number of Learnings are identified related to areas of the meaning of truth, metaphors for loss, and ways of holding shame and discarding it. This discussion includes thoughts on what did not emerge from the data or what was insufficiently supported by data. Finally, there is a review of how the

Learnings affected the original Research Problem.

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The Research Problem asks the question, in what ways does turning towards affective experiences facilitates movement towards the transformative potential inherent in the experience of betrayal and engaging the initiatory threshold? It also addresses the question of what in the experience of betrayal is critical to transmuting shame, anger, and desire for revenge to transformation and personal growth. The research hypothesis was that the affective evocation of the betrayal experience can reflect the original sense of anger, shame, and hopelessness but can also present opportunities for profound initiation and transformation. The Cumulative Learning of Lift the Shadowed Brow and Welcome the Dawn states that working through the affects in the experience of betrayal can allow for movement from loss and ossified postures to courage and the acknowledgment of shame and anger. Such acknowledged shame can be seen as the engine that drives the suffering to a liminal moment when the possibility of change exists. Embracing betrayal- related affect can be seen as an essential catalyst in stripping the ego of ungrounded stories and unleashing feelings and of compassion for the intimate and conflicted soul.

The essence of Learning One, Perpetual Loss – The Unreal Soul, states that the existence of one or more tightly gripped subjectivities will resist healing processes, particularly as manifested in grieving that which was lost. The attachment to a cataclysmic loss has the power to grow and mature into an ego image of perpetual loss.

Learning Two, Shades of Grey – Abandon Truth, states that betrayal is built on personal and divergent truths that are hard to alter or let go. It becomes a carefully

166 nuanced story told almost by rote to anyone who will listen, which over time becomes calcified and a weight on the soul. The carefully nurtured truth of broken trust is not pure and unadulterated but is a product of a personal and unique history; it might be more accurate to say “my truth” or “your truth” rather than “the truth.”

Betrayal also carries the shame of not being competent, mature or lovable. The victim persona can feed into the childhood subjectivity of having been globally responsible for interpersonal failures and can lend a sense of validity to what may perhaps be lifelong feelings of being scapegoated.

Learning Four, The Scapegoated Hero’s Journey – The Road to Redemption, is related to and builds on Learning Three. It states that the wound of persecution can be the catalyst to a world of autonomy, self-discovery, and redemption. Within the scapegoat complex is a role for the wanderer who escapes communal structures to become open to the uncertainties and surprises of the road. Driven by belief and hurt, there is an openness to experience change and initiation.

Finally, Learning Five, Atlas Shrugged-Release from Bondage, states that shame- driven anger pushes the betrayed into illusory, solution-oriented obligations that need to be abandoned in order to move toward initiation. The shrug is a gesture of release; it is the discarding of force and control—in this case, obligations— in favor of power and

167 engagement. Driven by guilt, some participants focused on managing relationships at the cost of the personal autonomy and power necessary to move through the initiatory journey. Dumping—or shrugging off— unneeded self-imposed responsibilities relieves the tortured soul and makes space for change.

The research hypothesis was that the affective evocation of the betrayal experience can reflect the original sense of anger, shame, and hopelessness but can also present opportunities for profound initiation. The data and Learnings supported the research hypothesis. Importantly, the Learnings rest on data generated by reprising the participants’ deep feelings of loss and shame associated with the betrayal event. In most cases, the wound of the betrayal is enmeshed in the fabric of the participant’s life. Most of the betrayed are relatively uninhibited in revealing their stories and related anguish. In the cases of Mary and Summer, however, both said in different ways that they did not quite grasp the concept of betrayal. They had different reasons for this apparent disconnect to the researcher’s question. Mary, of all the participants, is less concerned about the existence of traumatic betrayal and is most comfortable with the idea that relationships end as a natural and predictable part of life. Summer at times reacted to the idea of betrayal by denying such a thing existed in her life; when she did acknowledge betrayal feelings, the interview veered toward an intellectual discourse. Both subjects, however, engaged in memories of past betrayals and associated affects.

Because transformative initiation serves as the axis of the study, the researcher focused on data in which participants became aware of or involved in this process. Every participant at some point in the interviews and sometimes at multiple times during the research had liminal moments in which they separated from their dearly-held beliefs and

168 glimpsed opportunities to take a small step toward different path. Most retreated from this momentary feeling and impulse that anything is possible. Some experienced defensive alarms like a doe startled in an open meadow leaping for cover. For most, however, there were moments of unexpected insight and for others a flight from the electric siren call for change. Most recognized the impulse to move to a space free of those oppressive beliefs and complexes that they believe are essential to survival. Some—such as Milton,

Summer, and Stella—appeared so tightly bound to the fabric of their history and the real and imagined responsibilities to their loved ones that there was little room to move, laugh or scream; movement was not an option. For a few, there was a feeling that if constraints were relaxed, if there was too much room, their ego could become untethered or shatter and evaporate into the firmament. Tabitha and Tilden clearly welcomed change and appeared to be seeking and embracing new experience, actively questioning the status quo. Ernest had one foot in and one foot out; that is, he has not decided which way to jump. He is prepared and waiting for a life impulse that will direct him one way or the other.

A critical challenge of the data was that there was too much of it. The methodology generated an avalanche of material from the guided meditation, the evoking the betrayal, the repeated storytelling, the Metaphor Exercise, the metaphor-based art, and the final Friend exercise. Given more time, additional Learnings would have undoubtedly emerged. What were anticipated but missing were specific Learnings that evolved between the liminal moment and the initiatory threshold. The first three

Learnings generally deal with obstructions in processing betrayal while the final two address catalytic events that propel transformation. What is missing is particular moments

169 that nudge the fence sitter toward initiation. Perhaps further examination of the data would identify early attachment events that sustained the participant through loss and propelled them on to change. It is also possible that what the researcher was looking for does not exist or that the researcher did not have the capacity to see it. I know that I reacted strongly to the deep debasing and ugliness of some betrayals. I know that these stories repelled me and perhaps inhibited my inquiry.

Some of the Learnings spawned other potential Learnings that could not be accommodated in the study. They either were tangentially relevant, too complicated, or not supported entirely by my analysis of the data. For example:

 Learning Two, Shades of Grey – Abandon Truth, states that betrayal is built on

personal and divergent truths that are hard to alter or let go of. This led to thought

about the polarity of truths (e.g., black and white thinking) and making room for

other truths. In the study, I touched on the Thai way of living in a mediated world

of acceptance of human frailty. For example, the Thai seem to understand that the

expression “I love you” is spoken in a moment in time and will vary day by day in

intensity rather than quality. It is possible to say “I love you 75 percent” and not

have the listener assume rejection; it’s understood the 25 percent may be engaged

in some emotional focus other than love. This linguistic convention provides free

space, unbound from the demands of ego and expectation. There is also a Thai

saying “Don’t love me mak mak (a lot). Love me nitnoy (a little) but all the time.”

By avoiding global and absolute expressions of feeling, emotional room is created

and feelings of relationship oppression are minimized.

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 Ernest in Learning Two, Shades of Grey - Abandon Truth, addressed the elusive

nature of truth, which while insightful did not fully fit in the learning. He said,

“There is less space for meaningless anger…the stone is a bit of a shape shifter,

[there are] times when it is prominent and there are times when it is a pebble.”

With a plasticity of ego, he fills and contracts in transitional space, searching for

an anchor of meaning making that would support the Jungian third and

transcendent resolution. Perhaps what is more important is that through the

symbol of stone he accessed Friends who keep the monsters in the woods at bay.

The stone is a protective talisman that keeps him grounded and is imbued with

magic; “It tells you when something is wrong.” 1

 Ernest’s metaphor of the stone in the stream speaks to both the emptiness within

and to reconciliation of the extreme opposite positions in his psyche. He evokes

the stone image when he writes his fairy tale story. It is the stone that chokes him

and inhibits his connection with his mother and father. He says “I feel stone, as if

I am trying to speak through a stone. Stone, as if I am trying to speak through or

past a stone in my chest. The stone is blockage, a weight.” In the Metaphor

exercise stone is “the strength that it takes to break a stone.” He loves his

mother/he hates his needy mother; he wants a father/ no father will meet his

expectations. This confusion revolves around a pit of emptiness, a great hole in

his soul. Surprisingly and creatively, it was also with this imagery that he evoked

the tremendous energy of the stream smashing against his stone; the otherwise

immobile and quiescent stone became the instrument for dynamism and change.

The rushing water evokes the force of soul and time. Upstream waters are

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disturbed, roiling, and diverted only to re-form in the lee. In this metaphor, he

incorporates disparate elements and the resolution and peace of the eddy of the

rapids.

 Learning Five, Atlas Shrugged, notes that the shrug is a gesture of release; it is the

discarding of force and control in favor of power and engagement. This symbolic

but very important expression could open new areas of examination of archetypal

physicality; that is, gestures are central rather that peripheral to affect. For Atlas,

the shrug was not an afterthought or involuntary impulse but central to a global

and cathartic escape from oppression. The researcher finds it fascinating that so

much meaning can be contained in the visual subtly of a shoulder movement. It is

on the order of the quadriplegic in rehab that is painfully able to just lift a finger.

The gesture is slight but the effort and progress are huge.

 Some statements by Ernest were profound and enduring but lacked a place for

development in the study. As he worked the metaphor of stone, he said it could

provide “comfort that I am looking for, I think of a hole, like an avocado with the

seed removed.” 2

Learnings, my view of this statement has not changed significantly. I would suggest that few people consciously turn to uncomfortable affective experiences, but some—once engaged in feelings such as loss—choose to stay with them and allow themselves to grieve. It is an essential stage of emotional movement to acknowledge loss and allow the

172 psyche to respond. I am not sure, again based on the Learnings, that the initiatory threshold is engaged; rather, it is more a continuum that identifies an awakening to initiation. It is also multi-directional, or perhaps direction-less, in that it is a transitory state of being, a way to point to a new and undefined life.

In the course of the interviews, there was a clear movement of the participants in engaging their fear and shame around their betrayal. Each segment of the research design incorporated an opportunity to retell their story. These exercises included the first meditation, the meeting by the stream, the first telling the story, stepping backwards into past betrayals, telling the story as a fairy tale, the Metaphor Exercise, and so on. Each exercise attacked the participants’ resistance and victim subjectivity, and incrementally the story telling became easier and more articulate as well as more authentic and revealing. The final iteration of the story was clearer, simpler, and less defensive. All participants said that they felt rejuvenated at the end of the second interview and felt a strong therapeutic effect. This is interesting and perhaps problematic because the researcher was very conscious of and careful to guard against any therapeutic elements in the methodology. For example, in selecting exercises for the research, the researcher rejected any that seemed more oriented to therapy than to data. I initially resisted my advisor’s recommendation that I include the stepping back exercise borrowed from

Houston because I thought it crossed the line between research and therapy.

Mythic and Archetypal Reflections

For some reason the two following stories, one a modern fable and the other an ancient myth, seemed to persist in my consciousness and reflect my perspective in my

173 research on betrayal. The first is haunting in its poetry and simplicity and the latter a lesson in freedom. Neither is burdened by morality but both are powerful in their meaning.

In his very short piece “A Story about the Body,” Robert Hass tells of a young composer who falls in love with a talented and mature Japanese artist. She was a painter, and almost sixty. He met her at an artist colony and thought he was in love with her. He loved the way she was, her work, the way she moved her body, and the way she looked at him. One night she invited the young man to make love but cautioned him that she had had a double mastectomy. His love quickly withered and the composer begged off, all desire and attraction extinguished. The next day he received a gift from the woman, a small blue bowl full of rose petals. When he picked it up, he found under the rose petals that the bowl was full of dead bees she must have swept up from her studio. 3

While naiveté and innocence is incongruous in the old, it is sweet and achingly painful in the young. The gift evoked all the creativity and subtly of the Japanese artist that the composer so highly valued: the rose petals, beautiful and ephemeral, and the dead bees representing the fleeting nature of life. The story highlights the shallowness and naiveté of the young man and the symbolic gift of mature insight so delicately offered by the rejected artist. In a graceful way, she demonstrated to the young man that his illusion of her was as beautiful and transient as the rose petals and that his ungrounded fantasy must die like the seasonal death of bees. One might say that the symbol of the dead bees invites the composer’s soul to transcend his craven self-betrayal and see beyond the facade of the artist’s disfigured body.

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For me, this short and cryptic story reverberates throughout the study and provides a soulful context for the work. It touches three of the central themes of the study: the inconstant connection to the heart, the confidence in false gods, and the turning away from redemption and contentment. The young composer is attracted to the superficial images and energies of the artist; he is a victim of his tightly held ideals of beauty and grace. When the artist reveals that she has had a double mastectomy, the composer, like many of the participants in the study, could not abide by the reality of her physical deformity and turned away in shame. Also like the participants, he turned away from a shame that could have deepened his understanding of himself and led him to a more authentic and less conflicted life. The artist is unredeemed, left with the remnants of illusion, dead bees in the dust.

In thinking of mythic stories that offer perspectives on this research, I keep coming back to the Greek god Hermes. His is an often told tale of a precocious infant who invents music at the cost of the in-home resident of a tortoise shell and who later betrays his father, Zeus, by stealing his cattle from where they are grazing under Apollo’s supervision. In order to literally cover his tracks and fool Apollo, he pulls the cows backwards by their tails so that their hoof prints point in the wrong direction and uses foliage to make the first pair of sandals in order to disguise his own footprints. He accomplishes an amazing sleight of hand of betraying his father and simultaneously redeeming himself with a sacred offering of the roasted meat from the flesh of the cows he stole. He shrewdly soothes Apollo’s bruised feelings by generously giving him his singular creation of music. Hermes is ubiquitous in Greek mythology, appearing in the myth of almost every other god. He is truly a shape shifter with many names and many

175 forms: the god of travelers, the god of boundaries and boundary crossing, and the god of the crossroads. He is also the god of lies and deceit, the god of connections, and the god of illusions and smooth talking. He is slippery and seductive. In other words, he is the god of light and shadow, a connector without encumbrances of fear or ethics. 4

Because betrayal comes with significant baggage of expectation and hoped for outcomes, Hermes is a perfect counterpoint to the terrible burden of rejection and feeling of being unworthy. The way of Hermes is to ignore the extremes of black and white, good and evil, and joy and terror in order to live the world of liminality. He is the god of borders who comes to represent everything that is borderline: the border between night and day; between life and death; between truth and falsehood; between right and wrong; between human and divine; and (in his child, Hermaphrodite) between male and female.

Hermes blurs and reshapes these boundaries, and what some rational minds would consider chaos is in the Hermetic order a higher level of order. He “perceives a world at play whereas Apollo’s consciousness sees a loss of control.” 5

For me, Hermes was a revelation. As an adult, I had hide-bound codes that defined my disordered life. I recall that until a relatively mature age, I administered a truth code regarding my interpersonal relationships: one lie and that was it. One lie, or perhaps even my perception that the other person was lying, might destroy years of friendship, and worse, a connection that was often important and comforting. My first wife’s infidelity was not only shocking but the betrayal vaporized any path toward reconciliation. The idea that the bright line of truth and falsehood might be an internally created structure and not the nature of things never occurred to me. I see myself as an

Apollo. I am a good boy who is always outraged at cheating, lying, and fuzzy morals.

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“Apollo is interested in detecting falsehood and searching for the truth; he is the god of moderation, a quality his brother [Hermes] does not show in his cheating.” However,

Hermes’ cheating belongs to the “complexities of psychic movement” and “embraces loss as well as gain, mischief as well as kindliness.” 6 This is a revelation to me: the blurring of right and wrong could be freeing. Lying and cheating in certain kinds of contexts— for example with compassion, generosity or humor—could allow me greater emotional freedom, particularly from my gatekeeper.

It was only after an experiential course section on Hermes, which included the instructor’s carefully misdirection and literally lying to the students in Hermes fashion, that I started to realize the unstable foundation of my hide-bound ethics. With this new view, I read with interest a “Dear Abbey” story in which an elderly Alzheimer patient would ask daily when her long-deceased husband was coming to visit. The compassionate answer from the nursing staff was always that he would come in a few hours, which calmed the patient who immediately forgot the answer. A new nurse was appalled by this comforting ritual and told the patient, when she could, that her husband was dead and that he would not be coming. The patient was predictably upset and heartbroken. It was a Hermes story that made me think long and hard about the nature of truth and ultimately the nature of betrayal.

Implications of the Study

This is my opportunity to discuss more personal Learnings and observations that did not fit in the framework of the study. It is mostly my personal story that propelled me to the writing of a dissertation, something never anticipated even a few years ago. Here I

177 blur the academic divide between researcher and study subject, student and teacher, and critic and professional. I believe that this study has merit and contains valuable knowledge that is limited only by my capacity as a researcher and author. The work on this study is the culmination of almost eight years of academic endeavor as well as an integral part of my re-birth.

I am 69 years of age and very much at a reflective stage of life. What is particularly surprising to me is that it is more than reflection and it is more than weighing the value of a life as imagined by Erik Erikson. I seem also embedded in an earlier stage of self-discovery. For example, my study methodology tracks my journey as well as reprises for my participants opportunities for opening their own self-awareness; their path is my path. Like many of my participants, I had a childhood of serial and traumatic betrayals that taught me to hide behind defensive armor and adopt a false self, not sure of mine own self and to what purpose my life. The death of my wife Cielo in 2001 was not only a personal tragedy but what I came to believe was a betrayal. “It was not supposed to happen this way,” I often heard from my grieving clients. Mine, I came to understand, was the most disastrous but one of a series of deep betrayals, and my grieving became what is known as complicated grieving. Like some of my participants, I felt deeply the pain of the loss but was ill equipped to process the grief and move to the expectation that one day the loss could be replaced. I believe I almost physically died in the days after her death; in fact, a good friend who nursed me then was very worried because my pulse was very slow and weak.

In the course of the past few years, I have developed a certain expertise in grief counseling. I have worked mostly with children who have lost a parent but have also

178 encountered many adults with complicated grief. The study methodology was cobbled together based on these experiences, concepts and exercises gathered in my odyssey of self-discovery. I was drawn to my program at Meridian University expressly because I sensed that it would provide the protected space and experiential and reflective experiences that would support my own journey out of the wilderness. Meridian provided the tools and this study afforded the individual and original experiences for finding my own initiatory path. I sometimes wonder at who I have become. I think that in many ways

I am the same curious, wacky and self-involved character people either really love or hate. However, I have arrived in this moment with a peace and contentment that I could not have conceived of before my wife’s death. I wish she could see me now: sometimes reflective rather than always reactive, less concerned with me and more concerned with my new wife, my new son, and my family and friends. I now understand her lament when

I was working 60-hour weeks: “You are missing your life with me and your son!” At the time I had no idea what she was talking about. I know what Milton (participant in this study) meant when he spoke of the pain in his chest and his belief that it was from a broken heart.

How has the study guided my plans for the future? When you are approaching three score and ten, the future becomes less important. One of the beauties of becoming old is that it forces me to focus and involve myself in now. Being present in the moment is the cornerstone of Buddhist teaching; old age and approaching death conspire to enforce living day by day. My professional education and first career was as a city planner; I was so certain that I knew how the world should run. Now I understand the difference between control and planning; before I did not. I remember sometime in my

179 late forties that I felt like I had lived life: I had traveled and had a child and family as well as a challenging and interesting career. I had nowhere to go; I felt stuck and was consumed with ennui. One year later, I had the job of my dreams; I was married to my second wife, Cielo, and soon thereafter had my first son Boomer. I was flabbergasted that life could change in such unexpected ways. In some respects, I now feel like I am in a similar jumping off point. I feel that I am holding painfully acquired wisdom that needs to be expressed to others. I know it is easy for me to assume grandiose postures, but in this I feel there is some validity. My experience working as a therapist has revealed that my emerging qualities as an experienced and compassionate old man with a capacity to make intuitive empathic connections have made me a deeper and soulful human being.

There are many choices for my future. Whatever I do, it will be the right thing.

I imagine that given a large enough canvas, my Learnings might apply to many aspects of psychology and psychotherapy. However, it is methodology that I hope will attract replication. Much of my methodology was inspired by my work in grief counseling. I have used guided mediation and creative arts many times in individual and group grief counseling. I now have a framework in which I can unify these techniques with modes of writing and verbal expression in storytelling. Grieving people, particularly the older ones, need desperately to tell their story as many times and in as many ways as possible. My experience is that the repetition chips away at the feeling of loss, supports the ability to acknowledge that life has changed, and to grow hope that the love and security lost may be found again.

In compiling my Literature Review, I had an overall impression that the preponderance of research on interpersonal betrayal is roughly divided between objective

180 behavioral/cognitive studies or mystical/transcendent tracts on transformation. Although there is ample material on the creative arts in therapy, there appears to be little in academic research. Art is too amorphous to quantify and hold up to scientific scrutiny.

Furthermore, my association with interns from other schools of psychology impressed upon me the fact that many young psychologists are confident in their book-heavy but experience-light approach to psychotherapy that sometimes rigidly mirrors those tightly gripped subjectivities of their clients. I would like to think that my study has carved out and supports a more forgiving and grounded perspective that melds the areas of soul, art, and soma.

Regarding the academic discipline of psychology, my study highlights the importance of looking at research through the looking glass of art as well as feelings. Art and the ways is it is manifested have long been recognized as a direct if not clear doorway to the subconscious and its secrets of vulnerability. What is not as valued, however, it the creative process of art in the research field that will always produce unexpected and original material. McNiff has championed the use of art in research and rails at those who may dismiss it because it is so hard to apply the results within the classic form of research questions and hypotheses. What McNiff advocates is using the creative process as not only uncontaminated by conscious conceptual processing but also replete with data that are not a derivative of earlier academic work. My study tested and confirmed McNiff’s proposition, not only in the graphic products but in the art of metaphor and composition. In truth, the material was overwhelming and voluminous. The

Metaphor Exercise and the layering of semitransparent images of betrayal deserve particular attention. The study’s result of the layered images of betrayal underscores the

181 shortcomings of language in therapy and the potential for client awareness of unspoken and undefined feelings.

I constantly stress feelings as an avenue for framing participants’ experiences. It seems that people in this culture do not do well with feelings and their expression. For example, I had an adolescent Hispanic client who was bilingual and uncommonly articulate. She struggled to express herself in English, so then we worked to find words in

Spanish to reflect these feelings. I was surprised that her problem in English was not command of the language but a lexicon that lacked words for certain feelings easily expressed in Spanish. It is more than just language that constrains expression and thus awareness of feelings. In the East there is a value of not only how one feels but how those feelings are held. The Thai speak of the heart as a measure of a person’s worthiness in the answer to the important and ubiquitous question “Does he have a good heart?” The question addresses not only the subjective heart but also the state and condition of a person’s emotional landscape. The fact that the subjective state of identifying compassion is commonly and openly discussed in Thai culture speaks volumes about the Thais’ consciousness of their feelings. In contrast, people in the west lean more toward the mechanics, the why’s and the how’s of feelings rather than emotional awareness as a reflection of the soul.

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APPENDIX

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APPENDIX 1

ETHICS APPLICATION

SECTION IV – ETHICS REVIEW

Participant Populations:

a) Describe the populations and how you will obtain them,

b) Discuss your inclusion and exclusion criteria;

c) Provide the total number of participants to be studied. The participant

population will be composed of persons who have recently experienced a deep

betrayal event. That is, persons who in their own eyes have been wounded to the core.

Inclusion criteria: history of psychotherapy (at least one year of individual or

group psychotherapy), articulate and verbal, agrees to ground rules, and is

enthusiastic regarding the research experience.

Exclusion criteria: angry and activated, no or unsuccessful history of

psychotherapy, does not listen well or is distracted, is physically or emotionally

fragile, challenges or rejects some or all of the proposed ground rules. No research

candidate will be considered who has a prior relationship with the chief researcher or

who has a current or past affiliation with students or staff of Meridian University.

d) I will try to recruit twelve persons with the expectation that ten will actually

participate.

1. Describe all procedures, which will involve the research participants. Include all

aspects of how you will ask for their involvement.

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2. Volunteers involved in the research will be invited to engage in all activities and will

be told that they have the option to not participate.

Activities will include introductory and trust building activities such as

container building rituals, guided meditation to relax the participant and reduce

anxiety, guided meditation to build trust and to access feelings around betrayal,

storytelling to express thoughts and emotions, solicitation of somatic events to help

access present and past betrayals, creation of metaphors for experience and feelings,

reflection of participants state of inner self through first and third party storytelling,

Art Exercises to identify and integrate feelings, and reframed personal stories through

the lens of myth and fairy tales.

The procedures for collecting data will include audio and video recording, co-

researcher notes, directed artwork, cooperative scripts, questionnaires and journaling.

There is no activity that will require physical contact between participants or

researchers.

3. Describe the consent process and its documentation.

Participants will be introduced a number of times to the concept and requirement

of voluntary participation. Upon the participant’s acceptance of the offer to join the

research project, they will receive a copy of the Consent Form and be instructed that

they will have to sign it on the day of the research. Consent forms will be retained and

stored for approximately five years.

4. Risks: Describe any potential risks or discomforts to your research participants both

during and/or after their participation in the study.

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Most participants will be activated around the issue of betrayal and may experience

feelings of anxiety, loss, anger, shame, and other affects before, during and after the

research. Safeguards: Discuss procedures for preventing or minimizing the study’s

potential risks. Participants will be warned of the potential risks before committing

to the research. From the first contact with the participant, they will be reminded that

this is not therapy and that the experience may upset their sense of emotional

equilibrium. Every effort will be taken to select participants who have sufficient ego

strength and structure to resist feelings of disorganization and ego annihilation. In

the event a participant is having trouble, the researcher will be prepared to amend the

interview program and focus on the participant’s immediate needs. This may entail

classic counseling where the participant is encouraged to express their feelings and

the counselor reflects and supports the client’s immediate emotional needs.

Researcher is also prepared to terminate the interview and attend to the participant’s

need for further support. Toward this end, a list of psychotherapists will be available,

if requested, for referral.

5. Benefits: Describe the study’s potential benefits to participants, as well as possible

general benefits and contributions this research will make.

At a very basic level, the participants will have a number of opportunities to

express aspects of feeling betrayed. Spending two interviews with a combined time

of approximately five to six hours by itself provides a significant opportunity for

release of feelings. Participating in the interviews could be reassuring, give a sense

of tipping that “stuck” feeling, and help reduce feelings of isolation, anger and

shame. The creative aspect of the story telling and the metaphor and Art Exercises

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have the potential to help participants integrate experience, loosen the hold of

tightly-held subjectivities and for some, introduce the concept of multiplicity as well

as the blended nature of affect. It is possible that some participants will feel more

control over their lives by virtue of just volunteering for the study. The interview

activities may loosen up some absolutist perspectives and elements of gray may

emerge from their black and white emotional universe. Hopefully, some will

eventually begin to feel like they have survived a traumatic but very human

experience and therefore may feel hope and renewal. Others may become aware of

certain subjectivities which may have emerged under stress of the betrayal. It is

anticipated that the research will generally benefit those who suffer from the shame

and anger of betrayal. I would hope many would be interested in my hypothesis

which includes the polar perspectives of how betrayal affects cascade through either

a deadening cyclic pattern, or for some provide opportunities to break the cycle and

explore new ground. I am sure some will be energized and interested in new frames

of reference after reading my research results.

6. Regarding the field of Psychology and therapeutic practitioners, my hope is that the

application of the Learnings from the study will fuel creative perspectives in treating

symptoms related to the experience of betrayal

7. After the Study: Describe what and how you will communicate to participants after

the study is completed.

After the study I will communicate by mail the key Learnings of the research

through Summary of Learnings and possibly invite them to an ongoing discussion

group.

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8. Attachments: Include all supplemental information related to participant contact in

data collection, as separate appendices in the Proposal and later into the Dissertation

(directly after the Ethics Application and Conceptual and Chronological Outlines).

These include:

 Written or oral instructions to participants, in the form of scripts,

questionnaires, etc.

 Informed Consent form

 Research instruments used in conducting the study.

 Any additional documentation, which will be given to participants.

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APPENDIX 2

CONCEPTUAL OUTLINE

Time* Evoking Experience Purpose

First Interview

:25 Opening Ritual. Have participant place Purpose: Engage and focus on something relating to the betrayal on the the sense of betrayal while altar. Encourage them to talk about the claiming space as part of offering. building the container.

:40 Guided meditation-Confront the Purpose: Relax the participant Betrayer. The researcher will lead a and plant a seed of inquiry and meditation, initially with the focus on reflection. Evoke the loss and breathing and the soma and then an imagery test courage of participant. journey to a place where the participant Concepts: reflexive dialogue. encounters the betrayer. The participant says to the betrayer what has been unsaid. 1:10 The Story - Invite the participant to expand Purpose: Provide an their betrayal narrative with questions opportunity to express regarding key moments in the meditation. thoughts and emotions. The interview supports the evolution of the story.

1:40 Walking Backwards - Memory as Purpose: Evoke the gatekeeper Movement. Stand with the participant and and shadow and engage ask them to remember past betrayals prior to emerging feelings. Researcher their “story” starting with the most recent serves as sympathetic and memories. supportive witness.

2:00 Metaphors for Betrayal. Participant Purpose: Use creative energy imagines and identifies at least five words to deepen the growing self- evoking their feelings of their personal awareness of affect and loss. experience of betrayal. 2:15 The Story as a Fairy Tale. Imagine Purpose: Re-form and re- feelings of betrayal and write the story as a imagine betrayal and find the fairy tale or fable. Friend within.

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Second Interview

Time* Expressing Experience Tasks and Purpose

:15 Reflections on First Meeting. Ask participant Purpose: Access and express what thoughts and feelings came up after the imaginal structures. first meeting. Ask if the participant noticed any changes, any new feelings since the last meeting. :35 Reading the Fairytale Story. The researcher Purpose: Support the processing reads the story written at the end of the first of the betrayal structure and interview. note changes in the story.

:45 Reflection on The Fairytale Story. Ask Purpose: Note any shift in participant if there are any additions, changes, structures since the first or insights since writing the story. Track and interview. notice any changes in the context of the first Concept: Reflexivity, meeting. multiplicity.

1:10 Metaphor as Art. Present the list of metaphors Purpose: Enact and create solicited as listed from the first meeting and multiple nuanced images of loss ask the participant to substitute any words that and betrayal. Consolidate have emerged since the last meeting. Ask the orphaned feelings and validate participant to draw as many images of the personal emotional universe. metaphors on separate sheets of wax paper as he can in 30 min. 1:40 Processing. Ask participant to present each Purpose: Suggest an emotional drawing in the order of the feeling most present universe of varied and first and then in descending progression. Ask sometime contradicting each participant to hold the combined drawings feelings. Expand participant’s up to the light. Invite the participant to make capacity for emotional observations on what the combined expression beyond the transparencies represents to them. limitation of words.

Interpreting Experience

1:50 Focal Space. Encourage participant to stand Purpose: Break the somatic and move while addressing feeling and tension from previous exercise thoughts. and begin reflection.

2:10 Guided Meditation and Encounter with the Purpose: Track movement, if

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“Guide” Meditation leading to encounter with any, of betrayal structures and a compassionate guide who reflects on the perhaps constellate new impacts of the betrayal on the participant’s life. subjectivities. The participants will receive a gift from the guide, draws an image of the gift and then engage in a dialogue with the image. The gift is a ritualistic symbol of the Friend within. Invite the presence of the guide to support the dialogue and understanding of the meaning of the gift. After Participants share their responses to Sharing researcher’s interpretations of Learnings Integrating Experience

2:45 The “I” Friend. Researcher speaks from the Purpose: Strengthen the Friend Friend position and then encourages position and observe movement participants to speak from the “I-Friend” toward new structures. Position. 3:00 Closing Ritual. Summarize the experience and Purpose: Support termination ask for comments. Participant arranges certain and provide closing ritual. artifacts in a way that seems in sync with Somatically and spiritually feelings and interprets the meaning of the support closure. arrangement. Participant will blow out the candle. After Participants share their responses to Sharing researcher’s queries about how the experience of of being the research study affected them. Learnings * Elapsed time at end of task

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APPENDIX 3

CHRONOLOGICAL OUTLINE

Time* Activity Purpose and Concepts

First Interview

:00 Greeting and Orientation. Review the Purpose: Complete legal and purpose of the interviews. Discuss ground ethical tasks, ritualize the rules and sign Informed Consent, disclosing beginning, and demark the the process and possible risks and beginning of a special opportunities. Note that the interview it is experience. not therapy and that there may be moments Concepts: Container of trust, of fear, confusion and enlightenment. A peer principle. candle is lit and the sound of a chime marks beginning of the interview. :25 Opening Ritual. Have participant place Purpose: Engage and focus on something relating to the betrayal on the the sense of betrayal while altar. Encourage them to talk about the claiming space as part of offering. Hold five minutes of silence and building the container. then chime in the session. Concepts: The “I” Friend and Peer Principle. :40 Guided meditation-Confront the Purpose: Relax the participant Betrayer. The researcher will lead a and plant a seed of inquiry and meditation, initially with the focus on reflection. Evoke the loss and breathing and the soma and then on an test courage of participant. imagery journey to a place where the Concepts: Reflexive Dialogue. participant encounters the betrayer. Help the Principle: Peer Principle, participant say to the betrayer what has been Denial of the Friend and unsaid. Betrayal 1:10 The Story. Invite the participant to expand Purpose: Provide an their betrayal narrative with questions opportunity to express regarding key moments in the meditation. thoughts and emotions. The Encourage subtleties of feeling of the interview supports the moment and awareness of sound, color, and evolution of the story. taste. Concepts: Imaginal Structure, Reflexivity.

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1:40 Walking Backwards - Memory as Movement. Purpose: Researcher serves as Stand with the participant and ask them to sympathetic and supportive remember past betrayals prior to their “story.” witness. Evocation of the Start with their earliest memories. The gatekeeper and shadow and researcher will gently and verbally guide them engaging emerging feelings. as they walk backwards and pause as he Concepts: Utility of Betrayal, recounts each betrayal. Peer Principle. 2:00 Metaphors for Betrayal. Ask what thoughts Purpose: use creative energy to came up and ask the participant to imagine and deepen the growing self- say at least five words evoking their feeling of awareness of affect and loss. their personal experience of betrayal. The Concepts: Reflexivity, Imaginal researcher will encourage the participant to find Structure, Transformative metaphors for betrayal their betrayal experience. Learning. 2:15 The Story as a Fairy Tale The researcher will Purpose: Re-form and re- also ask participant to imagine feelings of imagine betrayal with the Friend betrayal and write the story as a fairy tale or within. fable. The participant will be asked to limit to Concepts: Reflexive Dialogue, story to three to four written pages. Transformative Learning. 2:30 Closing. Thank the participant. Encourage them Purpose: Model ending of to call me if they have any doubts, particularly experience and prime about attending the next interview. Chime out expectation of next interview. the session. Concept: The Friend.

Second Interview

Time* Activity Tasks and Purpose :05 Opening Ritual. Light candles and hold five Purpose: Introduce transition to minutes of silence. the interview context. Concept: The Friend :15 Reflections on First Meeting. Ask participant Purpose: Access processed what thoughts and feelings came up after the Imaginal structures. first meeting, if the participant noticed any Concept: Reflexivity, Reflexive changes, any new feelings. Dialogue, the Friend. :35 Reading the Fairytale Story. The researcher Purpose: Support the processing reads the story written at the end of the first of the betrayal structure and interview. changes in the story. Principle: The Transformative Friend. :45 Reflection. Ask participant if there are any Purpose: Note any shift in additions, changes, or insights since writing the structures since the first story. Track and notice any changes in the interview. context of the first meeting. Concept: Reflexivity

1:10 Metaphor as Art. Present the list of metaphors Purpose: Enact and create

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solicited at the first meeting and ask the multiple nuanced images of loss participant to substitute any words that have and betrayal. Consolidate emerged since the last meeting. Ask the orphaned feelings and validate participant to draw as many images of the personal emotional universe. metaphors on separate sheets of wax paper as he Concepts: The Friend, Imaginal can in 30 min. (a minimum of three). Structures. Participants will use oil pastels on 8.5x11 sheets Principle: The Transformative of wax paper. Advise participant that images Friend. can be abstract, use large arm movements in drawing and label each drawing with the feelings represented. 1:40 Processing Art. Ask participant to present each Purpose: Suggest an emotional drawing in the order of the feeling most present universe of varied and sometime first and then in descending progression. Ask contradicting feelings. Expand each participant to hold the combined drawings participant’s capacity for up to the light. Invite the participant to make emotional expression beyond the observations on what the combined limitation of words. transparencies represent to them. Concepts: Reflexivity, Initiatory Threshold. Principle: Utility of Betrayal 1:50 Focal Space. Encourage participant to stand and Purpose: Break the somatic move while addressing feeling and thoughts. tension from previous exercise. Concept: The Friend 2:10 Guided Meditation and Encounter with the Purpose: Track movement, if “Guide” Meditation leading to encounter with a any, of betrayal structures and compassionate guide who reflects on the perhaps constellate new impacts of the betrayal on the participant’s life. subjectivities. The participants will receive a gift from the Concepts: Utility of the Friend. guide, draw an image of the gift and then Principles: The Transformative engage in a dialogue with the image. The gift is Friend. a ritualistic symbol of the Friend within. Invite the presence of the guide to support the dialogue and understanding of the meaning of the gift. 2:45 The Friend. Researcher speaks from the Friend Purpose: Strengthen the Friend position and then encourages participants to position and observe movement speak from the “I-Friend” Position. toward to new structures. Concepts: Initiatory Threshold. Principle: The Transformative Friend. 3:00 Closing Ritual. Summarize the experience and Purpose: Support termination ask for comments. Participant arranges certain and provide closing ritual. artifacts in a way that seems in sync with Somatically and spiritually feelings and interprets the meaning of the support closure. arrangement. Participant will blows out the candle. * Elapsed time at end of task

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APPENDIX 4

INFORMED CONSENT

The following provides information on the Study on Betrayal and what to expect in terms of your participation. The primary purpose of the workshop is to provide research data for a dissertation to be written by Steven W. Belcher, currently enrolled in a

Ph.D. in Psychology Program at Meridian University. The research topic is “betrayal” and how this experience impacts and changes the lives of those who have had a meaningful inter-personal relationship destroyed by the breaking of trust. You have been invited to participate because you have communicated to Mr. Belcher that you feel a deep sense of being betrayed and are open to exploring and expressing feelings around the betrayal experience.

The research experience will be structured in two interviews of approximately three hours each. There will be a break between each interview of at least one week but will accommodate your schedule.

Your participation in the interviews will provide data for the study; therefore will be recorded (video and audio). Copies of the audio and video as well as subsequent transcriptions will not be available to participants. A copy of the final dissertation will be available for review or purchase and a summary of the “Learnings” will be made available to the study participants gratis.

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The participant’s anonymity and confidentiality will be strictly observed throughout the course of the study data collection as well in any subsequent published and written material using study material. The design study does not require for any reason the identification of individual participants by name or physical description. All participants will be given a pseudonym, which will then be used in transcriptions and published analysis. The master list of participants and their pseudonyms will be kept in a locked cabinet separate from the study material. It is possible that a professional transcriber will have access to the video and audio data but will be subject to the same confidentiality agreement as is the principle and co-researchers.

There will be no direct benefits or remuneration to the participants of the study.

The published Learnings and findings, however, may be useful for better understanding the concept and event of betrayal. The interviews will include such activities as “guided meditation”, storytelling, role-playing, and art. Some activities may involve some moderate movement exercises (e.g., physically expressing feelings). The potential for physical risk is minimal and the participants will be closely monitored to insure activities requiring movement are well within the capacity of the participants. The study is designed to reveal new perspectives in the experience of betrayal but should in no way be construed as being therapeutic. The study is designed to evoke feelings and it is anticipated that most participants will experience moments of emotional discomfort with evocations of the betrayal experience. These could include feelings of shame, guilt, and anger and remorse. If some participants do experience some psychological distress to the extent they will need assistance, Mr. Belcher will provide referrals to licensed therapists.

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You may direct any questions or concerns at any time to Mr. Belcher regarding the study, the research experience, or the interpretation of the subsequent data. You are welcome to contact Mr. Belcher either via e-mail, [email protected] or by phone, at

510 301-5321. You may also call or write to Mr. Belcher’s educational institution,

Meridian University, 47 Sixth Street, Petaluma, CA, 94952, USA, telephone: (707) 765-

1836.

I, ______(full name) have read understand the above consent guidelines and consent to participate in the study described as the Betrayal

Workshop. Further, I am participating voluntarily in this study.

I, Steven W. Belcher, the principle researcher, have explained the study to the participant, have answered all their questions, and have given them a copy of the

Informed Consent form.

Signed:

Participant Date:

Researcher Date:

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APPENDIX 5

DATA COLLECTION

Verbal Framing for Participants

Thank you for agreeing to part of a study focused on betrayal.  If you feel too nervous to engage some part of your experience or feel overwhelmed by feelings evoked by the activities, please let me know. I will accommodate your concerns by slowing down, taking a pause, or stopping the interview altogether, depending on your needs. Do remember that you have the right to not participate in any activity in which you would rather not participate.  Please hold the information and activities of the interview confidentially, until all interviews are complete, in order to not unnecessarily influence other participants you may know who will be interviewed after you.

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APPENDIX 6

SUMMARY OF DATA

Selected excerpts from Transcripts (All numbers in the transcripts are time stamps in the interview and researcher’s promptings are in parentheses)

Milton’s First Interview, February 11, 2011

The boundaries in my life reflect the need to take care of myself. I have to maintain my own physical integrity. My wife has not shown integrity. The many ways she betrayed me are unforgiveable. There is no single betrayal but the theme is a bunch of lies. She was really smart, she willing to put on any mask, she was alcoholic. She had a relationship with her boss . . . that he easily characterizes as an affair, non-penetration and violent, he beat her up. I felt pretty betrayed. I was married to a drunken liar. She said that she was oppressed and sexually abused; she has to drink to excess and I have to tolerate it. She found the right person at the right time. She did the best she could. I cleaned up her blood and her vomit. It worked out for her pretty well. Why would I question my own wife? She lied about the time he raped her and the second time he raped her while we were married. We had agreed that there would be no contact. She let him into the house, my house, I did not blame her.

32:00 She opened the door, she was sober, and then she drank, the rest, she blacked out. There were six opportunities (to stop the rape). We agreed in therapy…but she still let him in….that plus, when we were separated she let in 4 prostitutes in our house. She said that she did not have sex with them but, I feel anger, resentment, and shock, bamboozled, hoodwinked, taken advantage. Now she wants part of my pension as part of the divorce settlement. I let my other house go into for; she is trying to fleece me.

37:00 (How do you feel physically?) (I feel that) My mid-section from my stomach to my chest was affected. I thought I was having a heart attack, on the left side. Arrhythmia therapist said it was like a broken heart. (How do you feel now?) I went into a trance. I felt present. I am feeling now the pain in my chest . . . like heart burn. 38:12 Betrayal of his dad, he turned on me. He rubbed it in that he was a philander. He came out to support me . . . but he was here to get some pussy. I try to be to be mindful. (but) I was betrayed by someone, they shut me down. My dad was not there, he was openly

199 critical. Although he made tons of money, he was affluent but he was not there . . . and my Mother said she hated me. My dad had many opportunities to watch me in track. He never acknowledged that I was a great athlete. He missed dozens of opportunities. (Later) I am drawing a blank. I have worked through all this stuff. Then there is part of me distracted by the business of the day.

53:00

Milton’s Second Interview, February 13, 2011

I did not point out, maybe I mentioned this, when my dad came to town, it was the kicker, he gave me the impression that he was coming for the meeting. I said to someone, my dad for the first time in his live showed me he really cared for me, we carry the critical parent on our shoulder . . . when he came to town . . . it was not about me. When I went back home for thanksgiving, people were upset about how I behaved . . . I stayed with one of my middle siblings . . . parents upset. I felt so betrayed by how my dad treated me. I am not getting where I don’t have to expose myself to the same old abuses of the past . . . they are not well meaning. I stayed with my sister and pissed off the family . . . my sister said that our parents were not there for us. The parent’s anger was about him.

9:40 My father was raised when children were beginning to be valued . . . he still carried. I am sorry to be judgmental about this but the 1940’s was the tome of the great black migration. Their thinking was to be providers . . . not loving . . . nurturing. My parents grew up in Jim Crow times; they don’t talk about the past.

13:15

The Fairy Tale Story

Once upon the time, there were two well-intentioned kids and had fun raising kids to be independent. They say children as a necessity and abstraction. The dad became famous and the money and fame rolled in; the dad screwed women, he gave more attention to the girlfriends that his family. Milton’s mother verbally abused Milton. Milton even slept outside his dad’s study while the dad did work; this always reminded Milton of the song cats in the cradle…will Milton become too busy for his own children. Milton became hyper vigilant, that is why he is so aware of details. Milton became suicidal. Milton was always anxious. Milton was hyper but his dad reframed it as too smart for the average classroom. This added to Milton’s inflated sense of self. Dad and Mom were self-absorbed. In the spirit of independence Milton found his way. Milton always felt abandoned and betrayed and he spent his life searching for abandoned, betrayed, marginalized people. The end.

200

17:16

(How do you feel Milton?) I feel tension in the face. No changes. I understand myself. I give my parents credit for working with marginalized people. Saw this in the story. My parents take credit for their children’s independence. I was an “in betweener.” I could be with the popular people but I could reach out with the marginalized. That was my role. I know my life. I tried to have a master plan but you can only control so much. I have decided to maintain my emotional distance from my parents. I would like to allow them to die. I don’t want conservation with them around these issues. I want them to die peacefully.

15:40

Metaphors

Milton’s metaphors for betrayal: rejected, marginalized, own parent, grandiose, narcissistic, and false sense of self. Also anger, false sense of self, needy, marginalized, chest pains. Milton orders his drawing with the feelings most present. First one (drawing) is chest pain. It is stressed to the limit; the red protrusion signifies my body stretched to the limit, a bulging of my body. (And Next) Marginalized, I am very good at fitting in even though I don’t feel that I belong. This basically a circular figure that there are all kinds of ways to be a part of. I am the brown lanky object, circular represents; I want this positive energy around me. Not present is the brown tall figure is seen a tall and intimidating. I see myself as tall and opaque. I think of myself as not fitting in. I am the peg that doesn’t fit in anything. When the day is over I exit. Needy, I am still working on being in a validating relationship and being nurtured. The green is nurturing and the bigger green, the brown is essentially me. I am holding the nurturing liquid. Needy means emotionally in need of validation; I am growing out of the way I have been dysfunctional needy. There is healthy needy and unhealthy needy. False Sense of Self . . . it’s like Johari’s window. 1 This is the part of me I think the world cannot see but they can, etc. The yellow is what I don’t know. False Sense of self . . . what is false . . . I am projecting one thing and the world is saying another. Blind student said that I can tell you are nervous by your voice. Anger. The crayon was sticking to the paper . . . I started with anger and began with red, then orange . . . abstract vortex . . . vortex . . . a black hole, falling in, sinking feeling. Also, an entity that is hard to get out of; there is always a residual piece, a whirlpool, water, a lack of controllability. (Interpreting the combined drawings) The anger is always in the background but never prominent. I see the nurturing figure sits apart from the rest . . . what I like. I sit apart from all the rest of the figures. (How do you feel?) Very impressed…better than any therapy I have been in. This expressive art works . . . the right side of the brain. I don’t know if I could do it again . . . because I would know what I am doing.

The Guide

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The Guide greeted me with an acceptable degree of tolerance. He has a long white beard, white hair, legs crossed, eyes closed. He says that your dad is an asshole. It is ok to feel that way and to feel that way about your dad. There are no guarantees. You have to keep on working on centering yourself and maintain a level of distrust to make sure you are not hurt again. With respect to my wife, how can I move forward and not see her in my next relationship. That is the question. This is an orb. I can carry it around. To remind me of the experience. The message is to lean back on the energy from the orb and from the Friend. Draw from the strengths.

Michelle’s First Interview, December 28, 2010

(To my ex-husband) I thought you knew how hurt I was when you betrayed me with your girlfriend, . . . you promised we would tell the truth . . . I had two children with…you always said you would not act on that being attracted to other people . . . that is why it was so shocking, on the therapists couch…I found out who you were calling and found out you were there and you said that I was the crazy one, when confronted with the truth. That hurt the most, the total deception and lies that had been going on for twenty years….what was my truth if it was all based on lies. I understand more now. I think I have forgiven you for part of the things you have done but I can’t go back to living a lie . . . when you ask why we can’t get back together . . . that is the reason. I was angrier than I ever been in my life (my ex-husband) you put knife through my heart, you tore me up, you tore up my life, one the worst things imagined to someone you said you loved. I hate you for ruining my life, for taking away my dreams, for lying about it, for despite every opportunity every chance we had to be honest with each other it is just unforgiveable you could have been lying all that time and making feel that I was . . . crazy, repeated phone calls to the same number and running off to get a quart of milk and being gone for an hour . . . and making me feel like I was the crazy person.

28:25 I remember sitting in the therapist office and showing (my ex-husband) the records and asking him who do you keep calling . . . he says I call different people all the time, I take care of the kids . . . the therapist . . . you have to be honest. This could be the end of your marriage. (my ex-husband) said …she is just imagining things because she was hurt before…it felt crazy . . . as if was losing it, I must be making things up, hallucinating, going crazy. (my ex-husband) put his arms around me and said there was nothing there. I became obsessed . . . it felt in my gut that something was not right. I felt like my body was eating itself up. He said that he was going to Yosemite. I was always trusting, I said goodbye to him, it was a Saturday morning . . . but I called the number I had seen on the phone bill. I called that number and if he (my ex-husband) was there and she said yes hold on it felt like my life was over. She said it was somebody for you. I said (my ex-husband) I . . . will put a suitcase out by the door and don’t bother coming back. I felt shock; crazy, numb and I did not know how I was going on with my life. He pleaded with me . . . I am not in a place to hear your explanation.

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38:25

I called my mother . . . he has been cheating on me all this time. Instead of taking care of the kids he was with other women. It was the first time in my life that I could not eat . . . and I always wanted to lose weight . . . I felt like my body was eating itself up. I had to go to work and act like nothing was wrong. Then at the therapist . . . he said it was true, I have been seeing Annie for a long time. He plead and plead, you were so busy with the kids, with work and I had to see this woman. Who was she . . . he met her waiting for me at the restaurant . . . she was a masseuse. It turned into just fucking each other, it meant nothing . . . and when he was stressed out I would give him gift certificates for massages. She was just supplying him with dope and he would go there and drink . . . he said that it was the fault of alcohol. He kept pleading and she gave him an ultimatum to get into an alcohol treatment program. He enrolled. He talked his way to get out in two weeks. Went to therapy, Al-anon, co-dependent therapy . . . announced he was cured and would never betray me again.

44:20

Again found the phone records and there was Annie’s number. I wanted to meet with her to see what was going on . . . she did not know he was married and she had two kids and was betrayed be her own husband. I told him I can’t do this anymore and you have to move out. We told the kids…daddy was going to the hospital because he was drinking too much. Ultimately, I saw in his date book another number . . . the other woman he was seeing. Sometimes he saw Annie and the other woman together. I said you have to move out. The only chance of getting together is if you and I are in intense therapy. I need to know the truth. He wouldn’t do that. He did not want to talk about the things in the past 20 years; he wanted to start fresh. He said I don’t want to tell you about anything that happened. To this date I don’t know what really happened. I have phone records. I looked through our tax records . . . the betrayal had gone back to the week we met. When he said that he broke up with the woman he was seeing.

51:27

(How are you feeling?) The feeling was sharp knives . . . knives being twisted…surreal…outside of my body. I was the outside looking in. This is a nightmare, a bad dream. My body was wracked with pain but I was outside of it. It was just the body that had slept with this man for 20 years.

54:40

Walking Backwards

Prior to (my ex-husband) . . . with my boyfriend. When we first moved in together we agreed to have an open relationship. Starting with getting pregnant after getting birth control and getting an abortion . . . I was not doing well physically. Coming home from trip, Terri did not pick me up . . . but went to Diane’s house for romantic dinner while I

203 was almost bleeding to death. Went to (place), came back early, called **** . . . something was wrong . . . he said he was in bed with (his girlfriend) . . . in my bed when I had called. And (the next ex-boyfriend). I only was twelve when I met him. When he was my eighth grade teacher, I was the student council president and he was student council sponsor and we became good friends; he was married and had two kids and he named his daughter after me and his son after my brother . . . he wanted to get involved sexually and I did not want to. But he wanted to, thought it was the right thing to do and he did. It went on for a number of years until I went away to college and I got into a women’s group and decided it was all wrong. I felt incredibly betrayed.

1:00

I got involved into a woman’s group. He abused his power although we loved each other and I felt incredibly betrayed. Then my mother, who I felt betrayed me and my father and siblings, when she went off and had affairs and took me with them to visit some of these men . . . one of them had a boat and take me with her. She ultimately left my father when I was twelve. She betrayed my trust, my father’s trust, and took away a chunk of my childhood. (I admire your courage) . . . lots and lots and lots of years of therapy. (What are your thoughts and reactions from telling the story…what are you feeling right now) I lived this, I have talked about it. It is my experience, my life; I can’t take any of it away. I thought at each step I was going to do things differently but it did not turn out that way. My body feels pretty relaxed . . . feels like there is not much that can; if I can get through what I have gotten through . . . other than harm to my children. I feel relief . . . there was a time when I didn’t think I was going to survive it with (my ex- husband) and the hurt and pain was so deep that I could not imagine ever feeling happy, loving again, feeling joy. My life has gone on and I have love and joy since then I hope I don’t feel the same betrayal again but I do I will survive.

1:06

Michelle’s Second Interview, January 22, 2011

I did sleep well after the last session. How interesting life is . . . some of the things I talked about (my ex-husband) sleeping with my sister in law . . . that is my life in the fairy tale. I lived happily ever after . . . surprising. The feeling like the interview was dealing with some of the roughest moments of my life. Feeling kind of relieved that I have come out the other side feeling positive . . . life is one kind of journey . . . then you die. Sense of relief . . . surprised the charge was not there . . . a few years ago and I would feel angry and bitter and mad. I went home read a good book went to sleep. I did not feel any great pain or sadness, no intense feelings that I would have expected.

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The Fairy Tale Story

Once upon a time, Michelle had to work very hard to do the right thing; she studied hard, good grades, etc. and excelled at tennis. Although looking perfect from the outside, popular at school, teacher’s pet, Michelle was really quite lonely; spent nights alone as a teenager. She would write stories about no one would truly know her or understand her. She could not understand why she could not be like the rest of the girls in high school. Why did she have to fall in love with her married teacher? She could not tell anyone what they felt for each other. She decided she wanted to be loved by someone not married . . . after a few years with Terri . . . thing would not be happy ever after with Terri. She would have to leave him in order to get what she wanted. Afraid that her lifelong dream of having a man and children . . . then decided to live without a dream . . . and become a lawyer. It seemed like the fairy tale was going to have a happy ending she got pregnant and had twins . . . a lifelong dream. After many years Michelle learned that (my ex-husband) had been betraying her all along, sleeping with many other women, even her sister in law. She did in fact live happily ever after, but not the way she pictured she would. Michelle is my alter ego. The person in the fairy tale is not me it is Michelle . . . that is the fairy tale.

Metaphors

22:00

I felt most: shock, anger, disbelief, and sad. I could not put shock to paper. I can translate to words but not to paper. (Michelle interprets her drawings) Shock: this is (my ex-husband) and me sitting on a couch . . . and me hearing truth, exclamation points and questions marks, of shock . . . surreal out of the body shock. This is my house and me in the house alone with music…somber…deep in my aloneness and feeling the pain and feeling like will I ever escape, escape this come out the other side or will the pain last the rest of my life . . . music for me is soothing . . . also bitter sweet and melodic. I would play the piano when I was sad and feeling a lot of pain. Disbelief: a bed, (my ex- husband), Annie on top of (my ex-husband), question marks, how that come to be when said he was going out to get a quart of milk and ended up with Annie. I wanted to be strangle him. I was so mad at what he had done, to our marriage, our life. Sad. That is my house, alone, rain, dark, dim, and dreary and the sun is never going to shine. I am alone.

The Guide

It is curious and interesting to meet this person. Just sitting and nodding, acknowledging I am there. It feels comforting, relaxing,

The guide is happy and smiling and peaceful and calm, the characteristics of my uncle . . . who is often my guide . . . with his curly hair and folded legs. This guide’s wisdom comes in words, and the words are mostly trust your heart and it is going to be ok, and overtime you will feel joy again and pain will dissipate. It feels like this pain is

205 going to be there forever and that I will never be happy again. I don’t know how I can go on like this, is it ever going to end and the guide tells me, yes but you have to feel the pain now and it will be there for a while and there will come a time when will feel joy again. Draw image of the gift from the guide.

50:48

Uncle Bert and I were sitting in the meadow contemplating the meaning of life. You were right Bert, time heals, trusting one’s heart is the only way to go . . . looking at the beauty . . . we are so fortunate . . . it is right there for the taking . . . if we open our eyes to see it. I hear what Burt says, he is telling me that this is really painful now; it is really painful now because I have been there. I know that your truth will guide you; you are mad at me because you think I am lying to you . . . but trust me on this one . . . you will be stronger for it.

Summer’s First Interview, January 28, 2011

Hi, I don’t feel like telling him (Summer’s ex-husband) anything. (When she met him in the guided meditation she said) How are you doing, good to run into you? How is our son? I actually feel happy that I ran into him. I know he is doing well and our son and there is nothing more than that. All right good to see you . . . see you later. I don’t have anything to do with him. Not trying to avoid him either. Ah, I have something to do with him in the sense that we are co-parenting what our son. Um what our son but I know that things are well and I run into him. Just this thing that arose in my consciousness and then there isn’t much there for me to keep me stay there I see him it is good to see him and I move on to whatever I was doing.

24:20

Actually there is one more thing that came up in my mind. I wished that I never said to him during our marriage that I did not want to have his baby, second baby. We got pregnant during the last year. I wish . . . I aborted that. I wish I did not say to him that I did not want his baby. Because I felt that I did not want to propagate his genes because I thought he was inferior because he could not stand up to his parents. I thought that . . . I probably stabbed him in the heart. No man should ever need to hear that. But I should have never said that. He didn’t say much. He is the type that keeps it in. He is sort of passive aggressive. It was directly to hurt him, by doing that that was my intent then. He is very intellectual like I am. So I know the way he works, how he works the way he is wired that it would hurt and I said that. It was an insult. It is the worst insult that you can give a male person who is you are married to. But it was how I felt. It was how I really felt…his genes were not good enough to mingle with mine. I used those terms as well. It was exactly how I felt. I did not want to have his baby because I did not want it to mingle with mine because I felt that his genes were not, were inferior to mine.

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To me betrayal is what somebody intentionally does something that breaks your trust about something that is very deep . . . uuuh . . . something deep, ummmm . . . it has to be something deep, it can’t be something over some small thing. But maybe I am not articulating my feelings about that as well. It is not as comprehensive. But if I see something . . . should I look it up? So I believe it has to be intentional. If it is not intentional then if I don’t feel it is intentional I don’t see it as betrayal. I don’t know if it was over but I thought it was a mistake to marry him. Right after we came back from our honey moon I thought I was going to divorce him and say this was a mistake. I felt that oh by then I was crying a lot. Uh, I had trouble concentrating in law school, etc. I was very distressed but I thought that I rather go back to my position before we ever met and just live my own life because this was not a good thing. And then I remember law school we were studying about contract and the first sign of trouble there are different ways to address it. At the first sign of trouble I did not want to jump ship so I would give it a chance. I felt that he put . . . there was something more important than me. His loyalty was to his parents and I realized later more specifically to his mom. I didn’t want to have a wedding; I didn’t want to go through all the stuff we normally do to get married.