Saying Kaddish: Meaning-Making and Continuing Bonds in American Jewish Mourning Ritual

Death Studies

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Saying kaddish: Meaning-making and continuing bonds in American Jewish mourning ritual

Gila S. Silverman

To cite this article: Gila S. Silverman (2021) Saying kaddish: Meaning-making and continuing bonds in American Jewish mourning ritual, Death Studies, 45:1, 19-28, DOI: 10.1080/07481187.2020.1851887 To link to this article: https://doi.org/10.1080/07481187.2020.1851887

Published online: 04 Dec 2020.

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Full Terms & Conditions of access and use can be found at https://www.tandfonline.com/action/journalInformation?journalCode=udst20 DEATH STUDIES 2021, VOL. 45, NO. 1, 19–28 https://doi.org/10.1080/07481187.2020.1851887

Saying kaddish: Meaning-making and continuing bonds in American Jewish mourning ritual

Gila S. Silverman Arizona Center for Judaic Studies, University of Arizona, Tucson, AZ, USA

ABSTRACT Jewish tradition prescribes rituals and prohibitions for the first week, month, and year after a death, which provide an organized framework for meaning-making, constructing continuing bonds, and establishing the memory of the deceased within the community. After reviewing traditional Jewish customs, this article uses ethnographic examples to explore the diverse ways in which these religious and cultural frames manifest in the lived experiences of American Jews, whose Jewish identities and practices are often fluid, contradictory, and continually evolving as they search for personally-meaningful experiences. I demonstrate how individuals, and communities, synthesize Jewish discourses of death and of mourning with the secular, medicalized discourses prevalent in American society.

In the United States today, there are diverse cultures social authority. Religious and communal rituals are of grief, with different approaches to the relationship one of the culturally patterned ways in which we turn between the living and the dead, the role of the pro- our embodied connection with another person into a fessional, and the expectations of the mourner bond that continues through memory (Kaufman & (Valentine, 2006; Walter, 1999). In this paper I Morgan, 2005). Jewish tradition, which includes explore one of those cultures, examining how liberal1 detailed guidelines for both mourners and their com- American Jews synthesize Jewish mourning customs munities, is one example of how ritual can provide an with dominant psychological discourses of grief, as organized framework for meaning-making, construct- well as describing the ways in which ritual facilitates ing continuing bonds, and establishing the memory of accommodation to loss. I first review the traditional the deceased within the community. Jewish tradition Jewish rituals and prohibitions for the first week, encompasses millennia of texts, traditions, and month, and year after a death. I then draw on ethnog- debates, manifesting as an historically global and het- raphy (including auto-ethnography2) and written erogeneous set of beliefs and practices. In North accounts to explore how these religious and cultural America today, there is tremendous diversity of opin- frames manifest in the lived experiences of 21st cen- ion about what constitutes Judaism, and which practi- tury American Jews, for whom Jewish identities are ces, beliefs and affiliations come together to form a flexible, fluid and contradictory, and whose Jewish Jewish identity or sense of Jewish belonging (Pew belonging evolves through a series of individual Research Center, 2013). For the purpose of this ana- choices made in search of personally-meaningful lysis, I will present first the traditional guidelines experiences. about mourning, and then discuss the relationship to these guidelines among a spectrum of American Jews. Jewish laws prescribe a fixed set of mourning rit- Jewish mourning practices uals and prohibitions for the first week, month and Mourning is characterized by processes of meaning- year after a death, and annually beyond that. These making and the construction of continuing bonds rituals, collectively referred to as Avelut (Hebrew for (Klass et al., 1996; Klass & Steffen, 2018; Neimeyer “mourning”) are guided by two central principles: et al., 2014). These processes are inherently social k’vod hamet (respect for the dead) and nichum aveilim ones, intertwined with cultural, religious, and histor- (comforting the mourners). They recognize, and seek ical forces, and influenced by relations of power and to organize, both the practical and psychological needs

CONTACT Gila S. Silverman [email protected] Arizona Center for Judaic Studies, University of Arizona, Tucson, AZ, USA. ß 2020 Taylor & Francis Group, LLC 20 G. S. SILVERMAN after a death. Some relate to the individual mourner, Prior to the funeral, the immediate family partici- while others outline the ways in which the community pates in the K’riah (ripping) ritual, in which a gar- is obligated to care for the mourner, as well as ment that the mourner is wearing, or in more liberal the role of the individual within that community. The communities, a black ribbon, is torn, as the mourners guidelines delineate who is considered a mourner recite “Baruch dayan ha-emet” (“Blessed is the true (the parents, children, siblings, and spouse of the judge”), acknowledging their acceptance of the reality deceased), and the exact obligations and prohibitions of the death. The tearing of the clothing, based on the guiding the behavior of each, beginning with the Biblical story of Jacob’s response when told of his death and ending with the completion of the Avelut son’s death, symbolizes that the death has torn the period: 30 days for a spouse, sibling or child, and one world apart irreparably. The torn garment or ribbon year for a parent. (The longer mourning period for a is worn throughout the shiva period; in some less parent stems from the Biblical commandment to observant Jewish communities, it is only worn for the “Honor your mother and your father.”) This is a funeral. The Jewish funeral is simple, incorporating a highly structured process through which the bereaved reading from Psalms, a eulogy, and the recitation of separate from, and then slowly return to, the social the memorial prayer, El Malei Rahamim (God Full of life of the community. Mercy). The few required rituals are designed both to The timeline of mourning is divided into five main honor the deceased, and to transition the bereaved sections: Aninut (entry into mourning); Shiva (the into the next stage of mourning. After the casket is first week); Shloshim (the first 30 days); Shanah (a lowered into the grave, the family, and then all of year); and the lifetime of the bereaved thereafter.3 those present, shovel earth into the grave, until the ’ Aninut: Aninut (literally, “mourning”) refers to the grave is full. The mourners then recite the Mourner s liminal time between the death and the funeral. The Kaddish (described in more detail below) for the first time, marking the end of the Aninut period and the primary requirement during this time is to bury the transition into Avelut (official mourning). dead respectfully and promptly; funerals take place as Shiva: Shiva (derived from the Hebrew word sheva, soon as possible after the death, in keeping with the which means seven) is the 7-day mourning period biblical command to “bury him the same day” immediately following the burial. During shiva, the (Deuteronomy 21:23). Recognizing the strong emo- mourners continue to be freed from normal social tions of this time period, Jewish tradition releases the obligations, in order to focus on their grief, and are mourners from religious and social obligations. taken care of by the community. The experience of During Aninut, the prohibitions associated with shiva is therefore both deeply personal, and intensely mourning begin; mourners may not eat meat, drink communal. After the funeral, the mourners return to alcohol, bathe for pleasure, shave or have a haircut, or the home where they will remain for the next seven have sexual relations. days. They light a memorial candle that burns The body of the deceased is not left alone between throughout the seven days of shiva. All mirrors in a the time of death and the burial. Rabbinic commenta- shiva house are covered, as the bereaved should not ries teach that the soul remains near the body for be concerned with their outward appearance. During three or seven days after death. In order to comfort the shiva period, the mourners remain in the house the soul, and ease the confusion of its transition out and are prohibited from working or going to school, of an embodied life, members of the community stay cooking, shaving, wearing makeup, undertaking near the body until the funeral, and recite Psalms, household tasks, wearing new clothes, and engaging in which are thought to be particularly consoling. Before pleasures of any kind. This time period is often the funeral, the body is prepared for burial with a rit- referred to as “sitting shiva,” because the mourners sit ual cleansing known as taharah (purification). During low to the ground, in a manner similar to that the taharah the body is ceremonially washed, blessed, described in the book of Job, when Job’s friends com- 4 dressed in a shroud, and placed in the coffin. fort him after his losses, as he sits “to the earth.” Because Judaism decrees that all are equal in death, all Just as the entire community is obligated to attend Jews, regardless of gender, wealth or status, are buried a funeral, accompanying the dead to their final resting in unadorned white linen garments. A plain wood cas- place, all are obligated to make a “shiva visit” and ket is used, enabling the Biblical injunction, “From comfort the mourners. Jewish tradition advises that dust you are, and to dust you shall return” visitors should remain silent and allow the mourners (Genesis 3:19). to choose whether they wish to speak or be silent. DEATH STUDIES 21

The focus is on sharing memories of the deceased, Yizkor (“he will remember”)—a communal and col- telling and retelling the stories of their life, illness, lective remembering of the dead—occurs four times a and death, and allowing the mourners to express their year: on Yom Kippur,5 Shemini Atzeret, Passover grief. The community brings food and ensures that and Shavuot. household needs are taken care of. It is also customary to make charitable donations in memory of the deceased. The Kaddish The central ritual of the shiva week is the shiva At the heart of Jewish mourning rituals is recitation minyan. The bereaved are obligated to recite the of the Mourner’s Kaddish.6 Kaddish literally means Mourner’s Kaddish, a prayer praising God, each day “sanctification,” and the four-paragraph prayer for either 30 days (after the death of a spouse, sibling includes no mention of death. Kaddish is recited in or child) or 1 year (after the death of a parent). The Aramaic, the language commonly spoken by Jews at kaddish, a regular part of the daily liturgy, must be the time of its composition, in the period after the said in the presence of a minyan, a quorum of ten destruction of the first Temple in Jerusalem (Lamm, Jewish people (traditionally, ten Jewish men; in the 1969). While this language choice was designed to more liberal denominations, women are now counted make it more accessible, in today’s world it renders it toward the minyan). The community thus ensures incomprehensible to most. Yet its alliteration and that a minyan will be present at the home. Shiva ends rhythm, its format as a call and response between following the morning minyan on the 7th day follow- leader and congregation, and its association with ing the funeral. It is customary for the mourners to funerals and mourning, all combine to create a power- go for a short walk around the neighborhood, to sig- ful embodied reaction for many Jews. Mourners are nify their return to society. obligated to say kaddish at each of the daily prayer Shloshim: Shloshim (Hebrew for thirty) is the services for the duration of their mourning. For it to 30-day mourning period following burial, including be considered fully valid, the congregation must the shiva period. During shloshim, the mourners respond “Amen” at five points in the prayer. This slowly return to daily life. They must go to the syna- means that the mourners must seek out a synagogue gogue to say kaddish each day, and refrain from shav- with a daily service, wherever they may be throughout ing, haircuts, wearing new clothes, attending social the course of that year. gatherings, and listening to music or attending con- Traditionally, only men were obligated to say kad- certs. The end of the shloshim marks the end of the dish.7 Throughout history, and increasingly in recent official mourning period for all close relatives, except decades, there have been debates about whether parents. In Israel, the gravestone is installed at the end of shloshim, while in most of North America, this women who chose to do so could take on the obliga- occurs at the end of the first year. tion to recite kaddish for a deceased parent (Berkovits, Shanah: For those mourning a parent, the obliga- 2011; Broner, 1994; Millen, 2004). In the liberal tions and prohibitions of mourning continue for a full denominations of Judaism, in which men and women year after the death. Primary among these is the daily now pray together and are equal participants in the ’ recitation of the kaddish and the prohibition from service, women s responsibility to say kaddish is con- attending celebrations, such as weddings or musical sidered equivalent to men. In some modern Orthodox concerts. The period of Avelut ends at the first anni- communities, women are not required to say kaddish, versary of the death (on the Jewish calendar), often but those who wish to are allowed to do so, while in known by the Yiddish term yahrzeit (literally, “a year’s others this is forbidden. time”). The yahrzeit is commemorated with the light- From a theological perspective, kaddish is seen as a ing of a 24-hour memorial candle and attendance at reaffirmation of life and faith at a time when people services to recite kaddish. may be facing a crisis in faith, or be consumed by sor- Ongoing, for the rest of the life of the mourner: row and anger. Kaddish also expresses the belief that Jewish tradition requires that the memory of the God’s ways cannot be known but must be accepted. deceased continue to be honored for the lifetime of The words of the kaddish call for all to be blessed with the mourner. The mourners observe the yahrzeit every life and peace, thus shifting the focus from death and year, lighting a memorial candle and reciting kaddish loss, to life and consolation. Jewish tradition also recog- at the synagogue. In Ashkenazi (Eastern European) nizes the psychological benefits of this ritual: at a time tradition, an additional memorial service known as when people are most likely to isolate themselves in 22 G. S. SILVERMAN their grief, the obligation to say kaddish requires them have created gaps in the inter-generational transmis- to participate publicly in the life of the community. sion of knowledge that characterizes more traditional Themysticalviewofkaddish stems from an under- Jewish communities. Diamant (1998), a Reform Jew standing that all people possess an immortal soul that and author of several well-known books on the Jewish survives the physical body. The Talmud prescribes life-cycle, explains that she wrote her guide to Jewish that kaddish be said for a parent for a full year, because mourning because many American Jews no longer that is the period in which the soul is under divine knew the traditions, and most now follow secular judgment, and the child’s daily statement of praise for American burial and mourning customs. Her own God can redeem any misdeeds that the parent commit- experiences showed her that such a guide was neces- ted. However, in the 16th century, a rabbinic scholar sary, both for the bereaved, who want to respond to a shortened this period to 11-months, noting that only death in a Jewish way but do not know how to do so, thetrulyevilarejudgedfortheentireyear,andno and for the community, who are unfamiliar with how child should see their parent as evil. As is the case for to participate in a Jewish funeral or what to expect many aspects of Judaism, there are multiple Jewish per- when making a shiva visit. spectives about the nature of the soul and its survival. Part of the impetus for this research project came In the Reform movement, for example, the soul is from my own encounter with these diverse experiences understood to survive in our memories of the deceased and knowledge gap. Three weeks after my mother’s and our recognition of their impact on this world. death in 2016, I returned to my community in Arizona, after sitting shiva in Massachusetts. I was surprised that many of my Jewish friends were themselves surprised Saying kaddish: ethnographic perspectives that our (non-Orthodox) family had sat shiva for a full Thus far, I have described the Jewish mourning rituals week. They had no framework for understanding my as the tradition prescribes them, and as they are prac- stories of people filling the house all day, all week, the ticed, for the most part, by Orthodox Jews. Yet for twice daily services in the living room of the house I liberal American Jews, for whom personal choice and grew up in, and the steady supply of meals that left the individually meaningful experiences play a more refrigerator and kitchen counters overflowing. Few central role in Jewish identity and practice (see for knew what I meant when I said that I was still in example, Horowitz, 1998; Liebman, 2005; Silverman, shloshim, or understood why I was still saying kaddish 2016), the relationship to these mourning rituals and and planned to do so for the next eleven months. traditions is less clear. These Jews view Jewish law as As they do with other aspects of their Jewish prac- a reference point, rather than an obligation. Their par- tice, most liberal American Jews—like those in my ticipation in organized Jewish life, and their sense of community in Arizona—view Jewish mourning rituals Jewish belonging, ebbs and flows throughout their as a menu from which to choose those elements that lifetimes, as they synthesize elements from Judaism, they find most meaningful and most practical. Many secular society and other religious traditions, each in do not sit shiva at all, or only sit shiva for the first their own way. Their knowledge of Jewish texts and three days, as these are considered the most emotion- traditions is often limited, and they attribute Jewish ally intense days of the mourning period. Many people authenticity and authority to multiple sources, includ- welcome visitors only during pre-announced visiting ing imaginary ones (Silverman, 2016). Within the hours, and request that the family be left alone the rest American Jewish context, therefore, there is great var- of the time. In some communities, catered food is pro- iety in the ways that Jewish mourning traditions are vided for shiva, while in others, people bring only des- actually lived. In the sections that follow, I explore serts, expecting these to be eaten by the visitors, while how this population enacts, and interacts with, these the mourners prepare their own meals. American cul- mourning rituals. I draw here on published written ture values privacy and independence, leaving some accounts, as well as ongoing ethnographic fieldwork, feeling uncomfortable about so many people being in including unstructured interviews with people who their homes, and especially in their kitchens. are, or have recently finished, saying kaddish. For many American Jews, their official mourning Many liberal American Jews have only a cursory ends with shiva, although they continue to say kaddish familiarity with Jewish mourning rituals. As is true for on yahrzeit and during yizkor services, if they attend other modern societies (Walter, 2007), historical proc- synagogue. For others, as decreed by tradition, it is esses of cultural assimilation and religious adaptation, only beginning. The experience of saying kaddish, per- as well as the geographic mobility of American society, haps because it occurs over an extended period of DEATH STUDIES 23 time, is both less common, and more documented, where saying kaddish was common. As one person I than other Jewish mourning practices (see, for spoke with explained: example, Broner, 1994; Goldman, 2003; Heilman, My dad was really worried about it. He kept saying 2001; Smart & Ashkenas, 2013; Wieseltier, 1998;as “Who will say kaddish for me?” It was really well as numerous essays and blog posts). As I began important to him, and he worried about it all the working on this project, and asking people about their time. So I knew I had to do it. I went every day. experiences with kaddish, it was clear that for some Those who choose to say kaddish do so in diverse people, saying kaddish was powerfully moving, while ways. Some say kaddish daily, some say it once a week others commented: “It just didn’t work for me.” at the Sabbath service, and others whenever they happen It was not always clear what “didn’t work” meant. to be in synagogue. Some, like me, make a commitment For some this was logistical; as Shoyer (2017) notes, to attend services two to three times a week. Others “[s]aying kaddish for a parent is a serious commit- take on other activities, and call these their “kaddish,” ment. It eats into family time, work time and, most of like participating in a sport or activity that the deceased all, sleep. You plan your day around it.” Liberal liked to do, or committing to a regular study or medita- American Jews are fully integrated into the larger tion practice. Some say kaddish fortheyearforthose society—their lives do not follow the rhythms of the for whom they are only required to say it for 30 days Jewish calendar, nor do they necessarily live in close (spouse, child, sibling), particularly if they know no one proximity to a synagogue. Planning around the times else is saying kaddish for this person, while others and locations of a daily minyan is often not possible choose only to say kaddish for a parent during the shiva (or at least, extremely difficult). or shloshim, rather than the required year. In my year of For others, saying kaddish did not “work” for a var- saying kaddish, I saw all of these; I also saw people iety of other reasons. Some did not feel comfortable at attend daily minyan at the synagogue for a week, rather than sit shiva at home, and others who chose to never the daily service: it was not at a synagogue they regularly attend services but made a commitment to say kaddish attended; they did not regularly attend synagogue at all; daily in the privacy of their own home. Although I was they did not know people there; or they were uncom- the only person at the daily service I attended who was fortable with the Hebrew prayers. Still others found the saying kaddish consistently during my kaddish year, I prayer theologically incompatible, or ritually “empty”; rarely said the prayer alone. There was almost always theycouldfindnocompellingreasontosayit.Some someone observing a yahrzeit,orsayingkaddish for a explained this to me with a shrug; they had thought few days or weeks after a death. ’ about saying kaddish,didnt do so, and moved on. For Thereasonspeoplegiveforsayingkaddish are as others, not saying kaddish was accompanied by a sense diverse as their ways of doing so. One woman explained “ ” of guilt. They felt it was something they should do, to me: something that a “good Jew” or a “good child” would Some people do it out of love, some out of guilt, do. An acquaintance in my community, after hearing some because they know their parent wanted it, some that I was regularly saying kaddish for my mother, felt because it means something to them, some people the need to explain to me why he had not done so: think the community is watching and will judge them if they don’t. I tried to go, but it just didn’t do anything for me. I didn’t belong to the synagogue. I didn’t feel She explained her own decision to say kaddish for comfortable there, and there wasn’t anything thefullyearbynoting,“It was my way of honoring my ’ meaningful about it. And it wouldn t have meant mother, of staying connected to her.” Another told me, anything to my Dad. It was my time with my Dad every day. During shiva For many of those I spoke with who did not say I had heard all these stories, and slowly over the year kaddish, this was not the result of an active decision- of saying kaddish, I sat with those stories and I making process; they simply did not do it, or did for started to understand who he really was. a while, and then it gradually faded away. Those who For more observant Jews, the responsibility to say had seen their parents say kaddish, or who knew it kaddish is directly linked to the “elevation of the soul” would be meaningful to the parent, were more likely of the deceased: to say kaddish themselves. American Jews have I had been taught that the words of the Kaddish become less ritually observant over the last several helped push the soul of a loved one into Gan Eden generations, so older Jews were much more likely (heaven), and I was determined to make it happen. than younger ones to have grown up in communities (Markowitz Michaels, 2013, p. 50) 24 G. S. SILVERMAN

For others, saying kaddish is a way of connecting that parallels the emotional ups and downs of griev- to the lives led by the dead. Some use ritual items ing, experiences of saying kaddish are often complex (e.g. prayer books, prayer shawls) that belonged to the and contradictory. Despite hearing the prayer regu- deceased, while for others simply attending synagogue larly at synagogue, when one says it as a mourner, the serves this purpose. In his memoir of his kaddish embodied response is completely different. Describing year, journalist Goldman (2003) writes: her first times saying kaddish during the shiva for her My father’s life revolved around the synagogue, father, Diamant (1998) writes: especially in his later years. He attended services I knew the words by heart from years of synagogue every morning, and often went to the afternoon services, but the communal prayer was utterly service as well. In the year after his death, I went to 8 transformed. Now it was a mantra of sadness and shul every morning too, ostensibly to say kaddish, longing, a personal petition for peace and completion, the Jewish prayer recited to honor the dead, but on a an extended ‘Amen’ to another exhausting day. deeper level to stand in for him and for my mother. (p. xvi) They prayed; now I pray … For me, kaddish was as much of a chain as it was a prayer. It was a chain People describe saying kaddish as challenging and that in some way continued to connect me to my empowering, transformative and boring, supportive parents, and will someday connect me to my and isolating. The Jewish mourning rituals, and saying children. (p. 7) kaddish in particular, create a rhythm for the year of This was similar to my own experience. My mourning; they establish a new routine that replaces mother, an adamant agnostic, had said kaddish every the one that included the deceased. People feel that it day for eleven months following the death of her connects them to the deceased, to their families, and father, and later, for her mother. As a Jewish feminist, to the community. Standing to say kaddish signals the she had been clear at their funerals that daughters community that the mourner’s life has changed and could, and should, recite the kaddish. She made clear reminds those around them that the bereaved need to me, in her words and in her actions, that someday support. The rituals create a space where grief is not she expected me to do this for her too. When she only acceptable, but expected, a regular reminder to died, I felt an obligation to fulfill this unspoken prom- the bereaved that they are not supposed to be “over ise, and, by doing something that she had done, I also it” yet. In particular, many feel a sense of camaraderie saw this as a way to maintain an ongoing connection with the other mourners; the daily (or weekly) minyan to her. My family shared the feeling, that my father becomes a grief support group, a place where people later put into words, that we sat shiva, observed the understand what the bereaved are going through, as rules of shloshim, and said kaddish, because “This is those nearing the end of their year welcome those what Jews do. This is how Jews grieve. We are griev- with newer losses. ing Jews, so this is what we will do.” Many people have stories of traveling during their Yatzkan Jonas (2013), an Orthodox woman, year of kaddish, and feeling welcomed and supported describes how she said kaddish at her father’s funeral as they sought out a daily minyan in each new city. and shiva, not as a conscious decision, but as an This experience, however, is very different for men impulse. She then continued to do so for the year following his death: than for women. Men can attend a synagogue of any denomination anywhere, while women must find a … Strangely, I never made peace with the words . The minyan where they will be accepted. Some women Aramaic felt like shards of glass in my mouth, sharp and a little dangerous. Yet my life revolved around it. experience tremendous distress when they cannot find I rarely left my neighborhood, tethered as I was to an egalitarian minyan, or are made to feel especially my home shul where no one looked at me funny or unwelcome in Orthodox synagogues where a woman showed anything but respect for my daily presence. saying kaddish was not acceptable.10 While many Even on days when I could barely put one foot in mourners find a community of support at the daily front of the other … I dragged myself out of bed and into the community of worshippers at 6:30 am, and minyan, for women, this often alternates with a feel- then back for Mincha and Maariv9 a heartbeat later. ing of being excluded, their prayers and participation Even when all I wanted was solitude, the meager unvalued. Their year of kaddish is marked by both a warmth of my aloneness, I had to venture out. And coming closer to Judaism and a sense of being pushed – on some level, this saved me. (pp. 57 58) away by the tradition. For women too, the juggling of As is clear from this description, and as could be family, professional responsibilities, and the obliga- expected of any practice that spans over a year, and tion, and desire, to say kaddish is often a greater DEATH STUDIES 25 source of stress than it is for men. As Shaffer Seeman necessary quorum of ten. The social identities of the (2013) writes: dead and the living are thus mutually dependent, as “ – Saying Kaddish was physically exhausting; it was Heilman (2001)notes, it was the dead or perhaps the emotionally draining; it was logistically difficult; it sense of obligation to the dead on the part of the living was lonely; and it reminded me that there are parts of – that helped promote communal prayer” (p. 177). Orthodox Judaism that cause me deep pain. But I This dependence on community contrasts in many would do it all again. I went into my year of Kaddish ways with mainstream American society, as does the searching for connection, for a way to fill the ache of public acknowledgement of death and mourning that loneliness that made my heart hurt. I came out of that year understanding that the empty space my kaddish demands. One woman told me that saying mother’s death left was not meant to be filled. It is kaddish felt slightly exhibitionist; every time she stood the darkness which will one day become the starting to say kaddish, she felt that the attention of the entire point for a new light. (p. 142) community was focused on her. She experienced this Saying kaddish is by definition a communal pro- as a positive thing, as a way of reminding her com- cess. Lamm (1969) explains that the kaddish functions munity of the loss she had experienced. Another as a vertical chain connecting the generations, and a interviewee commented that, at first, standing to say horizontal one that unites communities. Yet there is kaddish seemed surreal; it made him more aware of an ongoing tension in liberal American Jewish com- the reality of the death. As the year progressed, it was munities between these communal responsibilities and a constant reminder to him that he was still in the focus on personal choice, which becomes particu- mourning and that his ongoing grief was to be larly apparent around saying kaddish. There can be a expected. Several people who regularly said kaddish at sense of loneliness and isolation when one is the only one of the same services that I did noted that sitting person saying kaddish, or when the mourners’ way of shiva, observing shloshim, and saying kaddish, felt observing the rituals is not the same as that of their almost subversive. It was a way of making room for community. For those living in smaller Jewish com- the deep sadness they were feeling, which was not munities, it can be frustrating when their synagogues acknowledged anywhere else in their daily lives. cannot gather the ten people required for a daily minyan. While members of the community may support Discussion: Jewish ritual and continuing bonds the mourner’s desire to say kaddish, they themselves may not find daily services convenient or meaningful, The analysis I have presented here, like others in this and may not understand that the mourners cannot volume, contributes to a growing dialogue between take on this practice unless they do too.11 Many peo- anthropology and psychology, as researchers utilize ple report feeling tremendous gratitude to those who ethnographic findings to contextualize and explore psy- regularly come to make the minyan. Reflecting on his chosocial theories of bereavement (see, for example, year of kaddish, Heilman (2001) describes the moment Heathcote, 2014;Hemer,2010). Current psychological he realized his dependence on his fellow congregants: understandings of grief explain that the period following a loss is characterized by processes of meaning- I cannot do this alone. I need, and will continue to making, addressing changed biopsychosocial needs, need, the congregation to help me fulfill this final filial and constructing a new and ongoing relationship with duty. As I wish to remain constant to my father, I need the community to be constant for me. It must make a someone who is no longer physically present. I have minyan for me, and so for this I now feel bound to the demonstrated here how Jewish mourning practices pro- community in ways I never felt before … The vide a well-defined social and spiritual ritualized frame- monotonic incantation of the mourners kaddish is work in which to make meaning of the loss and adjust something to which I always listened and replied. to a new life and new status without the deceased, as Never was I part of that chorus of the bereaved. Day in and day out to be one of these rhythmic kaddish voices well as to develop and maintain the continuing bonds is what gets to me. Every time I heard my deadened between the deceased, their families, and the commun- voice, I am reminded not only of my father’sdeathand ities in which they lived their lives. the new responsibility and status with which it has From before the funeral through the ongoing endowed me but also of my utter dependence on observance of yizkor, these traditions recognize the – others,mynotbeingabletogoitalone.(pp.174 175) living and the dead as part of a shared web of social This need for a kaddish minyan becomes the driving and spiritual meaning, while clarifying the roles and force for many communities to hold daily services, and responsibilities of both the individual and the collect- often the mourners are those who complete the ive. Grieving is understood not only as a personal 26 G. S. SILVERMAN process, but also a communal one. As Rubin Within the complex reality of 21st century American (2014–2015) describes in detail, the public and private Judaism, however, these systems of shared meaning rituals of Jewish mourning address the evolving needs making are often neither shared nor meaningful. of the bereaved, and also provide life-long opportuni- American Jews, like many others in contemporary ties to maintain and revisit the relationship with the societies, are navigating between social and communal deceased. Jewish mourning rituals encourage the traditions of mourning and the secular American bereaved to temporarily withdraw from normal func- approach, which is characterized by a focus on the indi- tioning, gradually accept the reality of the loss, mobil- vidual, and highly influenced by biomedical and psy- ize social support, and find new meaning within the chological approaches which see grief as a medical existing framework that guides their lives. condition to be solved (Clarke et al., 2010; Kaufman, Jewish mourning rituals engage both the mourner 2005). Within a larger social context that still expects and those around them in a dialogical and relational people to “get over it” and move on from their grieving process, designed to ease the mourner into a new fairly quickly, the year of Jewish mourning rituals, and social role and to show that the deceased remain part the ongoing opportunities to publicly remember the of the collective. These rituals recognize that ongoing deceased, send the bereaved a strikingly different mes- mourning is accepted, expected, and supported by sage. One way in which they resolve this tension is by communal norms, rather than being a reason to seek reinterpreting the traditional rituals to make sense professional help. In particular, the year of saying kad- within modern psychological paradigms, which they dish, and the annual marking of the yahrzeit, serve as have fully internalized. For many, their explanations of a recognition that the memories of the dead are still their practices, and the meanings they find in them, are with us. As a friend explained, when I told him about much more about the individual and the ways in which this research: “When someone close to you dies, you these mourning rituals supported, or undermined, their think that’s it, they’re gone from your life forever. But own grieving process. Ethnographic methods can help saying kaddish makes us realize that we’ll always be us to see more clearly how individuals, and commun- connected to them.” ities, navigate and synthesize the competing, and some- Traditional Jewish mourning rituals provide multiple times contradictory, discourses of death and of opportunities for the creation of continuing bonds, and mourning prevalent in American society today. Further establishing the memory of the deceased within the research is needed in order to fully understand the diverse ways in which American Jews are negotiating community. The shiva creates a venue for the telling with and recreating Jewish bereavement rituals, their and retelling of stories, some of which the bereaved interpretations of these experiences, and the impact of may never have heard before; this process plays an these practices on their accommodation to loss. important role in forming the story of the deceased’s life and begins to shape the memory that the bereaved will carry forward (Walter, 1996). Saying kaddish can Notes also play an important role in constructing this rela- 1. I use the term liberal Jews to refer to the non-Orthodox tionship, in a diversity of ways. Saying kaddish creates denominations—Reform, Conservative, Reconstructionist, — opportunities for the bereaved to do things that were and Renewal as well as those Jews who are unaffiliated with any particular form of institutional Judaism. important to the deceased, and that they did; to use 2. Building on the work of other anthropologists (Behar, their belongings in meaningful ways; to incorporate 1996; Briggs, 2004; Heathcote, 2014; Rosaldo, 1984), I ’ parts of the deceased svaluesandpracticesintotheir recognize that, when writing about death and loss, own selves and their own lives; to revisit memories; there is not a clear boundary between the personal and to be continually reminded that they are still con- and the professional, the mourner and the researcher nected to the deceased. For those more observant Jews of mourning, the participant and the observer. This is especially true for this project, in which my experience who are theologically aligned with the traditional view of grieving my mother’s death, and my analysis here, of the soul, this connection reflects their ongoing are both deeply influenced by my mother’s research responsibility to help the spirit of the deceased, by say- on bereavement (Silverman, 2000, 2001, 2004), as well ing kaddish and engaging in other meritorious deeds. as my own previous research on American Jewry For more liberal Jews, for whom this theology is not (Silverman, 2016, 2017). always a comfortable fit, these rituals are a way of hon- 3. For a full explanation of these practices from an Orthodox perspective, see Lamm (1969); Diamant oring and maintaining their connections to their mem- (1998) provides a liberal American perspective. ories of the deceased and the good deeds of the 4. Heilman (2001) provides a detailed description of the deceased during their lifetimes. taharah ritual. DEATH STUDIES 27

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