Exponent II Am I Not a Woman and a Sister?

Zion’s Frontier: LGBTQ Journeys of Faith

Vol. 31, No. 4 Spring 2012 Contents EDITORIAL STAFF Co-Editors-in-Chief Letter from the Editor Goodness Gracious Aimee Evans Hickman “You Are Just Supposed A Daily Devotion...... 4 Emily Clyde Curtis Julia D. Hunter to Love”...... 24 Linda Hoffman Kimball Design Editor Coming Out on Thanksgiving.....5 Margaret Olsen Hemming Shannon Ripley Exponent Generations Exponent Generations Editor Sisters Speak Expanding the Community...... 25 Deborah Kris Inclusive Congregations...... 7 Emily Hill Woodmansee Victoria Grover Sisters Speak Editor Reconciliations Jessica Steed Caroline Kline Brother and Sister...... 10 Ben Zumsteg Dandelions and Sunshine...... 28 Sabbath Pastorals Editor Amanda Olson Emily Mosdell Janice L. Smith Global Zion Editor Strangers in the Land...... 13 Calming the Waves...... 31 Chelsea Shields Strayer Ronald Raynes Name Withheld Book Review Editor Poetry...... 15 Sabbath Pastorals Marci Evans Anderson Dayna Patterson The Trifecta...... 33 Poetry Editor May Swenson Mona Stevens Judith Curtis A Few Things I Know for Sure..16 Flannel Board Staff: Rachel Albertson, Sue Booth- Kathy Carlston Loving, Valuing, Nurturing, and Forbes, Pandora Brewer, Susan Christian- My Pioneer Ancestors...... 18 Empowering LGBTQ Youth in the sen, Bonnie Donigan, Deja Earley, Lisa Rachel Farmer LDS Church...... 35 Hadley, Rebecca Head, Kate Kadash- Edmondson, Sariah Kell, Rachel Jones, Deborah Farmer Kris Falencia Jean-François Aimee Evans Hickman Elisabeth Lund Oppelt, Kendahl Mil- Living My Life Backward...... 21 lecam, Emily Mosdell, Dayna Patterson, Elizabeth Pinborough, Natalie Prado, Natasha Loewen Authority of Love...... 38 Carol Lynn Pearson Meghan Raynes, Gwen Reynolds, Suzette Book Review Smith, Jessica Steed, Heather Sundahl, Brooke Williams Out of the Mount...... 23 Amelia Parkin EXECUTIVE BOARD President Special thanks to Darci Bertelsen, Ashley Mae Christensen, Daniel Embree, Ra- Kirsten Campbell chel Farmer, Linda Hoffman Kimball, Tessa Lindsey, Jenica McKenzie, Lindsay Hansen Park, and Brooke Williams for the use of their artwork in this issue. Treasurer Suzette Smith Cover art is a detail from Under Wyoming Skies by Rachel Farmer of Brooklyn, New York Members: Emily Clyde Curtis, Emily Gray, Margaret Olsen Hemming, Aimee Submissions to Exponent II Evans Hickman, Denise Kelly, Linda We welcome personal essays, articles, poetry, fiction, and book reviews for Hoffman Kimball, Caroline Kline, Jana consideration. Please email submissions to [email protected] or mail them to Remy, Heather Sundahl, Barbara Taylor Exponent II, 2035 Park Avenue, Baltimore, MD 21217. Please include your name EMERITUS BOARD and contact information. Submissions received by mail will not be returned. Linda Andrews, Nancy Dredge, Judy We are always looking for artwork and photography to accompany our writing. Dushku, Karen Haglund, Deborah Farmer Please send jpegs or gifs of art submissions to our email. If you are interested in Kris, Laurel Thatcher Ulrich illustrating articles, please contact us for specific assignments. Exponent II (ISSN 1094-7760) is published quarterly The purpose of Exponent II is to promote sisterhood by providing a forum for by Exponent II Incorporated, a non-profit corporation Mormon women to share their life experiences in an atmosphere of trust and with no official connection with The Church of Jesus acceptance. Our common bond is our connection to the Mormon Church and Christ of Latter-day Saints. Articles published repre- sent the opinions of authors only and not necessarily our commitment to women in the Church. The courage and spirit of women those of the editor or staff. Letters to Exponent II challenge and inspire us to examine and shape the direction of our lives. We or its editors and Sisters Speak articles are assumed are confident that this open forum will result in positive change.We publish intended for publication in whole or in part and may this paper in celebration of the strength and diversity of women. therefore be used for such purposes. Copyright © 2012 by Exponent II, Inc. All rights reserved. Letter from the Editors

It’s been 16 years since Exponent II devoted an entire to never again let anything like that divide our family. . . . issue to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered, or queer However, Proposition 8 left our son with definite scars and (LGBTQ) topics. The intervening years have brought prog- anger against the LDS Church at a level I don’t think he had ress (including more visible LGBTQ role models in society felt prior to that. It has been very hard for our family. How and the Church), contention as Mormons divide themselves could something we love so much, the Gospel, continue to regarding same-sex marriage bans in the United States, and cause such deep pain for our son? ever more questions for the future of LGBTQ members of the LDS Church. Spending time with the overwhelming Like Anna, we too love our LGBTQ sisters, brothers, par- number of submissions we received has further convinced ents, and children. We too love the Church. We believe that us that inclusion of our LGBTQ sisters and brothers in our the Gospel of Jesus Christ is more expansive and merciful Church institution and culture is essential to creating a true than is currently being practiced. President Uchtdorf’s April Zion people. 2012 General Conference talk addressed how we can better So few Mormon LGBTQ members have found peace in emulate Christ’s love: the Church; so few have felt valued in their congregations. We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmen- Many who have come to understand that they are loved tal thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and accepted by God just as they are have had to leave the and His children. God is our Father. We are His children. We Church to create loving marriages and families of their own. are all brothers and sisters. . . . We must recognize that we’re What a loss for the Church which places family at the center all imperfect, that we’re beggars before God. Haven’t we all of its theological framework. at one time or another meekly approached the mercy seat For those LGBTQ members who have found (or are find- and pleaded for grace? Haven’t we wished with all the en- ing) a place in the Church, we feel grateful and protective. ergy of our souls for mercy to be forgiven for the mistakes we Some of their stories are here, but, unfortunately, they are have made and the sins we have committed? Because we all the minority. Many who are still active in the Church are depend on the mercy of God, how can we deny to others any reticent to reveal a part of themselves that they have been measure of the grace we so desperately desire for ourselves? taught to suppress or change because they fear acknowledg- ing it would be destructive to their faith, their families, and We believe that we can share a measure of God’s grace by their community. endeavoring to hear and earnestly understand the experi- As a Church culture, we can’t continue to force people ences of our fellow Saints who have felt silenced and perse- into the closet by saying, “Be quiet. Be celibate.” Such mes- cuted because of their sexuality. We were heartened to hear sages often push people to the margins of our community about the success of a recent panel of gay Mormons at BYU and ultimately thrust them out. The effect such silencing has and feel hopeful that we can look forward to a day when on individuals and families can be seen throughout the fol- the Ensign will share spiritual experiences from our LGBTQ lowing pages. Furthermore, the inability to share a religious sisters and brothers. life with our LGBTQ sisters and brothers means that as a This issue is by no means complete. We are particularly Church we don’t receive the spiritual gifts they could bring mindful of the absence of transgendered and queer voices in to our congregations, and we miss opportunities to cultivate this issue. But we will continue to publish these stories in fu- a more complete understanding of Jesus’ commandment that ture issues, and hope that members of the LGBTQ commu- we love one another as He loves each of us. nity will continue to submit their essays, poetry, and art here. It is difficult, if not impossible, to reconcile Christ’s Exponent II is honored to be a messenger of such stories that teachings with Church policies pertaining to LGBTQ issues. can enrich us with their honesty and courage and sober us This tension can be felt in the following excerpt of a submis- with their grief. That we may all find some understanding sion we received from Anna, an LDS mother of a gay son: and solace in these pages is our sincere prayer. -Emily Clyde Curtis and Aimee Evans Hickman When Prop 8 rolled around, my husband and I both very kindly told our bishop and stake president that we would Have a Letter to the Editors or a submission for not be involved in the proposition on any level . . . . I ex- Exponent II? Email us at [email protected] plained that our family had nearly been torn apart when our gay son learned about his dad’s passive involvement during Proposition 22 several years earlier. After that we decided

Vol. 31, No. 4 Page 3 A Daily Devotion

by Julia D. Hunter Somerville, Massachusetts thought. No, not just thought, knew. number of returned missionaries—not And not only can I love her, I have too many, but just enough not to look It was the end of some unremark- to love her—this is my chance. This too much like one of those girls, a able summer day. Amy had fallen is exactly what I’ve been waiting for: “career woman,” as my mother called asleep in my arms, snuggled up against to spend my life loving her, uncover- them, sinfully uninterested in marriage. my chest, breathing deeply, sleeping ing each day for the rest of my life just I dutifully punched my dating time peacefully. And like most nights that what that means—to love someone— card, often with less thought or interest summer, I lay awake, gazing up at the that endless question. And in that mo- than in a household chore, and quickly ceiling, considering. My thoughts were ment, every other unanswered question ran back to the solace and devotion of unusually calm as I felt her chest rise fell away in silent awe. my conservatory practice room. May- and fall against my skin, her warm The months and years leading up be, just maybe, I thought, I could some breath and soft fine hair brushing gen- to this moment were never as straight- day stay as interested in a man as I was tly under my neck. She felt so small in forward and comprehensible as people in my violin. my arms, so helpless, sweetly vulner- often assume. Knowing oneself, after Loving my religion, on the other able like a child, almost. all, is one of life’s deepest and longest hand, always came easy to me. In my For countless nights, I’d exhausted journeys. And the months and years memory of my four years of undergrad myself to sleep on pillows sunken with following have not been so clear and work at New England Conservatory, it hot, wet tears, panicky and wondering. peaceful either, but what I have learned feels like I spent at least as much time Where would I go? What would I do? since then and along the way is to take in the Cambridge Longfellow Chapel What would they say if they knew? it all in one day at a time, be gentle and as I did in the practice room. And when How much longer can I go on like this? forgiving with myself as well as others I wasn’t thinking, reading, or talk- It wasn’t a flash of light, or a clam- and, most of all, to lead with love. ing about music, I was almost always oring noise, a vision or even sweeping In the short time it took me to fall thinking, reading, or talking about my emotion. With no more grandeur than in love with Amy, one of the biggest religion, poring over the scriptures, a leaf settling soundlessly and effort- surprises to me was how easy it was. praying, decorating and highlighting a lessly on top of a still pond, a small For years, I’d forced myself into the Book of Mormon for a friend, singing a and steady ripple of peace crept slowly singles-ward mold, dressed the part hymn to myself, or musing on the rich- through my quiet body and wrapped and flirted my way into the thoughts, ness and connection I felt with ritual. its arms around me, as I held my arms and sometimes hearts, of a respectable Loving and living my religion made around her. Here she me look forward to each was, perfect and innocent new day with a bright in that moment. All the sense of purpose and clamor and the fighting, peace at a competitive the misunderstanding, school in a cold, foreign judgment and hate were city, far away from the far, far away from us. Rocky Mountains I had Here only a silent, loving once called home. peace remained. As I grew older, in and And as I breathed after graduate school, I slowly in, the thought found myself increas- came, dim at first and ingly at odds with the glowing warmer and dense and often superfi- warmer like sunlight cial religious dating cul- through thick, colorful ture around me and clung stained-glass windows instead to what I felt in into the temple of my my heart was the purest mind. I can love her, I Fly Away, by Ashley Mae Christensen, Palo Alto, California religion I could imagine: Page 4 Exponent II love, or in the language of The Book of Mormon, charity. As I strove to un- Coming Out on Thanksgiving derstand this God-like love, I was also taught to look forward to marriage and family relationships as the key to Shannon Ripley, pseudonym unlocking love’s God-like mysteries: Parkland, Florida spiritual evolution born of relational experience and devotion. We engage A few years ago I took my partner in these relationships as life-long jour- home for the Thanksgiving holiday. I neys because it is one of the best ways was ready to introduce her to my ex- we can learn to love and care for oth- tended family as my life companion. ers, develop patience, humility, empa- It had been several years since Michelle thy, charity, and loving-kindness. In had flown home with me to Utah, so our theology, engaging in and devoting having her at my side was exciting—it ourselves to these relationships is si- made me feel whole to have her beside multaneously the most basic and exalt- me. There had always been a choice ed way one can practice one’s religion. that came with Thanksgiving: Do I stay But the more I dated, or even just at- home with Michelle or fly home to be tracted male attention, the more it only with family? More often than not, I added to a dark and growing sense of would choose to be with my family in self-loathing buried deep beneath my Utah. The Thanksgiving holiday is very bright smiles and ample hugs, nagging Illustration by Tessa Lindsey, meaningful to me, a time to celebrate at my conscience and eventually lead- Salt Lake City, Utah family and share in each other’s accom- ing to dreaded panic attacks in church plishments and experiences of the past remain together in eternity. My confi- bathrooms. The truth was I didn’t like year. This was also the time to share a dence about how Michelle would be or want their attention; it felt as wrong new friend or a fiancé who would be received by my family was high and I and uncomfortable to me as sin, and joining the family. What better time assured her things would work out just yet I was also aware that something than Thanksgiving to finally and offi- fine since I had come out to my imme- would have to be wrong with me if I cially introduce Michelle for who she diate family several years ago and they never learned to desire it. Consumed really was, instead of pretending she had accepted her and me without ques- with endless and harrowing isolation, I was just a friend or a roommate? Home tion. felt the love and connection that had al- was the place I felt the most comfort- As the time approached when the ways guided my daily sense of purpose able, protected, and supported. I felt family would start arriving, I felt some slipping away and saw myself—me, with my whole heart that this was the anxiety but was calmed by working the sunflower among roses—falling right time and place for us to be rec- alongside my mom and sister prepar- into a quick and deep depression. ognized as a couple by everyone in my ing the dinner trimmings. I glanced What a surprise, then, to learn only family, and not just a select few. over at my mom and told her that I was months later that I am not defective, I was excited about the idea of shar- nervous. She reached over and placed that I can fall in love! And to realize ing who I was and finally being out of her hand gently on my arm and told that my capacity to love and care for the “closet” to the extended family I me how much she loved me and sup- others, to develop patience, humility, love so dearly. Although I have lived ported my decision, which calmed my empathy, charity, and loving kindness away from Utah for so many years, my anxiety some. As I finished cutting up is just as big and beautiful and power- connection has remained very strong. I the celery and began to stuff the stalks ful as I was always taught to believe it make it a point to travel home at least with cream cheese, I said a silent prayer was. And what a relief to finally get to once or twice a year to attend reunions, asking for strength and courage to share experience for myself that pure knowl- weddings, funerals, or sometimes just my relationship. edge and those fruits of the spirit dis- to go camping with the family or spend I began thinking about how I am tilling upon my soul with each new day the day at Lagoon. I have always felt different from the stereotypical woman I get to spend loving and serving her. It a powerful bond with my immediate in the eyes of the Mormon Church. I is the fullest expression and practice of and extended family members, which was supposed to grow up, take a stab at my faith I can imagine . . . and exactly I believe comes from the teachings of college, fall in love with a man at col- what I’ve been waiting for. ■ the Church that families are forever and lege, never graduate because I got mar- Vol. 31, No. 4 Page 5 ily. In a moment, the excitement of no longer having to hide my relationship was gone. I went from feeling com- fortable to feeling vulnerable, which I was not prepared for. I was saddened by their intolerance. All I wanted to do was hurry the dinner along so I could find a place to be alone with Michelle. I had spent years of trying hard to be an open-minded, loving, and caring fam- ily member, taking time away from Mi- chelle to travel to family events, doing my part to make sure the bonds of fam- ily remained strong. Yet they couldn’t put their judgment aside and see me as their niece who had found love and commitment. While our relationship is Illustration by Tessa Lindsey vastly different in their minds, couldn’t they see how happy we are and accept ried instead, then settle down, have the way a daughter should feel. I wanted Michelle as my partner of choice? No. same amount of children my parents his approval since I never had a chance There was just silence—a response that had and live happily ever after. Fortu- to get it from my father, even though left us feeling uncomfortable, unac- nately for me I didn’t follow the tradi- he held a high regard for Michelle as cepted, and unappreciated. tional path of a typical Mormon girl. my “friend.” After my uncle released It is this response that pushes les- After graduating from high school I did me from his embrace, I turned towards bians like me back into their closets to take a stab at college and then graduat- Michelle who was standing next to me protect themselves from judgment and ed from travel agent school. I took a job and introduced her as my partner. As intolerance. I had been so ready to stop as a travel agent in Florida and within the words were making their way out, hiding and stop calling Michelle “my a year I met a woman, we fell in love, my heart was in my throat but I made it roommate.” I had wanted to be truth- and have been together for 24 years. through the initial introduction. When I ful about my successful union with the She helped me work my way through was done, it was as if nothing had hap- entire family. I was ready to share our college even though it took 17 years of pened. My aunt and uncle stepped right 20-year relationship and what we have going part-time. There was a reason I past her. There were no hugs. None of accomplished over the many years we was prompted to move to Florida from the excited “Welcome to our family!” had been together. I wanted everyone Utah; there I could live my life openly that I had envisioned in my head. No to see that even though I was not mar- as a gay woman and not be judged or recognition of our relationship, or “It’s ried to a man like the traditional Mor- feel ashamed of my lifestyle. so good to finally meet you after all of mon girl, my life was fulfilling and My mom asked for the potato these years.” I was stunned at their re- wonderful. I believe and know my strainer, which brought me immediate- action of silently stepping aside like I Heavenly Father loves me regardless ly from my stream of consciousness to had said nothing and Michelle did not of my sexual orientation because I am hearing the front door open. As the fam- exist. I wanted to crawl back into my a child of God and He loves all His ily started to arrive, things were off to closet. children. Thanksgiving dinner was go- a great start with everyone hugging and As we all gathered around the table, ing to be my time, our time, to be truly commenting on how good everything kneeling in prayer to give thanks and honest and accepted into the family. In smelled. I saw my aunt carrying my fa- bless the food, I became lost in my the end, the trip where I thought I was vorite dessert and my uncle giving ev- thoughts again. I wondered what had going to be empowered and set free by eryone his traditional bear hug, which just happened. Maybe they didn’t hear coming out to the entire family turned just made you feel so loved. As he gave me or understand what I said? After out to be a realization that not everyone me my hug I felt ready to open up and the word “Amen,” I stood up and sat in is ready to accept who I really am: a be real with everyone around me. My my chair next to Michelle, hoping they lesbian who happens to be a Mormon, uncle has come to represent my father would welcome her now. But not once or should I say, a Mormon who hap- who had passed away years before, so did they try to strike up a conversation I felt connected to him and safe in the or make Michelle feel a part of the fam- pens to be a lesbian. ■ Page 6 Exponent II Sisters Speak Sisters Speak gives our readers a forum to present their own ideas about a topic of interest to Mormon women. The topic posted for the next issue can be found at the end of this column on page 9. We look forward to hearing and publish- ing your own thoughtful response soon!

Our Sisters Speak question comes from Caroline Kline of Irvine, California. She writes: I am encouraged in the last few years that Church leaders have generally backed away from asserting that homosexuality is a choice, and that they now often acknowledge that they don’t know how or why people are homosexuals. I’m also encour- aged that Church leaders have affirmed repeatedly that having homosexual inclinations is not a sin. These are important steps. However, I can’t help but think that there is/should be room within Mormonism to do more to welcome LGBTQ folk into our wards. My heart particularly goes out to LGBTQ Mormons in long-term, committed relationships (maybe even married) who are prevented from participating in their wards. My question to the Exponent II community is this: Do you foresee the Church carving out more room for LGBTQ’s to become practicing members of our Mormon community, even if they are in committed relationships? Is there space within a Mormon framework to do this? Why or why not? What are the next steps leaders could take to do this? And what, if anything, can regular members do to help move the Church along this trajectory? In my optimistic moments, I can envision a shift in policy towards leaders deciding quietly to not discipline LGBTQ’s in long term relationships who want to come to Church, and maybe also these leaders extending callings to these brothers and sisters. It seems to me that if Church leaders decide to treat LGBTQ people in committed relationships just as we treat straight Mormons who marry outside the faith, we could establish a much richer, more diverse, and more loving community of saints.

Julia D. Hunter of Somerville, Massachusetts, says: It’s appropriate that this question of LGBTQ inclusion is fea- tured in a feminist forum. Alan Michael Williams sums up the connection between feminism and LGBTQ issues in his Dialogue paper, “Mormon and Queer at the Crossroads,” in which he wrote, “I would adduce that the issue of homosexuality for the church is, at its core, about gender, as accepting same-sex parented families in full communion would upset the ecclesiastical relationship be- tween men and women rather than necessarily disrupt theologi- cal ideals of marriage and parenthood. It is no coincidence that religions that validate same-sex marriage also ordain women.” I think that the issue of LGBTQ inclusion has a lot to do with our seriously sexually repressed culture, but I also think it goes much deeper than that, into challenging the power structures that have served as the foundation of Mormon institutional and theological hierarchies for over a century. As an out LGBTQ Mormon I do not feel safe or acknowledged in LDS chapels, or that the fullness of what I have to offer as a child of God is welcome in the service of the Mormon kingdom. It does no one on this planet any good for me to limit the breadth and depth of my capacity to love and connect with others of God’s children, but somehow this fundamental relational component of our experience and pursuit of joy in this life is too often omitted from conversations about LGBTQ experience in our community. To acknowledge our potential and capacity to love, form strong, committed relationships, and make loving contributions as family, Exponent II Staff Photo kin and community members—as equal to the capacity or potential of heterosexuals—would go a long way in helping LGBTQ mem- bers feel safe and welcome in our chapels. □ Vol. 31, No. 4 Page 7 Franziska Patterson of Burney, California, says: As a sister of a gay brother, I have seen some good changes in the Church. In my home ward, my brother has faced a very supportive commu- nity. Recently, he was even asked to be the Elders Quorum teacher, despite him not actually being a member anymore. (He has officially left, but is still a fully active non-member). I think what everyone needs, including Church leaders, is simply more personal exposure to the complexities of this issue. When you talk with people one-on-one about the challenges they face, when you hear someone tell their story of how they were faithful and obedient and STILL end- ed up homosexual (or became suicidal trying to remain faithful), it becomes harder to hang on to some of the old views regarding homosexuality. I honestly think that things will get better with time. The gospel is a beautiful message of hope and redemption. It’s a message that can apply to all. The Church is for sinners. We all are sin- ners, in one way or another. I don’t see why there wouldn’t be room for our gay brothers and sisters, regardless of how anyone feels on the issue. We all need our Savior. But I think the progress will be slow if we don’t have members kindly but firmly speaking up on the issue. □ Exponent II Staff Photo

Emily Clyde Curtis of Phoenix, Arizona, writes: Elisabeth Oppelt of Provo, Utah, writes: I feel like the first step we need to take is to This question reminded me of an experience my dad had while be willing to talk about how to support members serving as a bishop in a BYU singles ward. He had quite a few gay of the LGBTQ community in lessons, talks, and young men in his ward, and did his best to help them love them- casual conversations in the foyer. We talk about selves and get them help if they needed it. the pain of our ward members who are unable to He was sitting in on an Elders Quorum meeting one week, and have children or haven’t found someone to marry, the Elders Quorum President made a disparaging comment about but we only ever talk about it in a heterosexual gay people as he was conducting. My dad was really irritated. He context. was trying to make the gay young men in his ward feel loved and I fantasize about a Relief Society where one accepted, and here was the Elders Quorum President undoing his sister says, “It’s so hard when I see my fertile work. friends get pregnant without even trying, and I After the meeting, my dad pulled the man aside. My dad told can’t.” And, another feels free to say, “It’s so hard him that there were young men in the ward who were gay, who to see my straight friends getting married, and I needed to feel accepted, not ridiculed, who could be badly damaged can’t.” by an off-hand remark like the one he had made. The Elders Quo- Could we first be brave enough as a church to rum President was surprised and mortified. It hadn’t occurred to him mourn with those who mourn? To sit with our sis- that he might be hurting someone in his stewardship. ters and brothers who are lesbian, bisexual, trans- This showed me that some people are cruel without meaning to gendered, or gay and to try and feel the pain of not be. They are not used to thinking that others might have different being able to marry, of being in a church that tells experiences. They have not been exposed to other opinions. When one the way one feels and who one loves is a trial they are made aware of it, often they feel bad for hurting others. So that will be healed in the next life, of being told to one way to make LGBTQ members feel welcome is to draw atten- just hang on and be quiet? □ tion, in a respectful way, to comments that could be hurtful. □

Page 8 Exponent II Amanda Nokleby of Houston, Texas, states: Anna T. Rolapp of Beverly Hills, California, writes: Law of chastity aside, I think most of the problems As the mother of a grown son who is gay, married, Church leaders and members have with LGBTQ individu- and so much more, I am happy to report that my (female) als within Mormonism are sadly and deeply rooted in our church community has been marvelous in their acceptance repressive and Victorian-era construct of sexuality. Sex is of him. My closest friends, all LDS, even gave our son a subject we either never talk about, or we teach about it a wedding shower when he married in 2010. A deterrent in fearful or immature tones. This leads to a sexual culture to our son (and his siblings) feeling a connection to our in the Church that’s based in fear—fear of our bodies, our church community has been LDS Church involvement in sexuality, and everything we’re capable of in that realm as recent California marriage propositions. These have left humans and, therefore, fear of the unknown and different in him/them feeling angry, marginalized, and wrongly dis- human sexuality, which includes homosexuality. criminated against. Much work needs to be done to heal These views and built-up fears regarding human sexu- the harm inflicted upon our gay family members by our ality lead Mormons to base their views on homosexuality church’s very visible involvement in recent politics. not only on outdated and repressive ideas, but mostly on My ward has been accepting of two openly gay men; the “ick” factor: Gay sex is gross. Which then leads to all sadly, only one of them remains active since Prop 8. □ sorts of bad arguments against LGBTQ issues in politics and within the Church. My point is that the sexual culture of Mormonism cannot allow homosexual sex, and therefore leads to a no-tolerance view against homosexuals in general. In order for LGBTQ Mormon individuals and/or couples to be able to comfortably participate and be accepted in the Church, the sexual culture needs to shift. We talk all the time about how harmful the current culture is to us women and how we need to be more open about sex in the Mormon world. Let’s do that for our gay brothers and sisters, too! I believe that there’s space in the Mormon framework to make this happen if we stop teaching harmful and fear-based rhet- oric regarding sex. Let’s throw out all of the youth manuals, the copies of The Miracle of Forgiveness, and start teaching our youth and adults that sex is natural, good, healthy, and you are allowed to love it. And so is everyone else. When we come to accept this about ourselves, in my opinion, most of the judgmental “ick” factor hurled at the LGBTQ commu- nity will die down, and then we can focus on more important levels of discourse. Because of these changes, and of course with the added heavy dose of “loving thy neighbor,” the Church will finally be able to fully welcome LGBTQ Mormons into its congre- gations with true acceptance. □ Exponent II Staff Photo

Next Sisters Speak: Raising the Next Generation of Mormon Women An Exponent II reader writes, “I am a thirty-something new mom. Over the years, I have made peace with my identity as a Mormon. I like getting involved, helping the sisters in my ward, teaching quietly feminist gospel doctrine lessons. Despite the rough road its been, I like being a bridge-builder. I’m stubborn and don’t want cultural elements to drive me away from my birthright. “But my daughter is a really incredible kid. She’s got this spunky energy. And if I dare stop to think about the subtle mes- sages she’ll get about her ‘role’ as a woman from nursery onward . . . gulp! And then there are the OVERT messages. From moms of daughters, I’d love to hear how/if having a daughter changed your relationship with the Church. From anyone else, I’d love your thoughts about raising the next generation of girls in the Church. How can we help protect them from those problematic messages about womanhood, while at the same time teaching them to appreciate the best of Mormonism?” The next Sisters Speak will appear in the Summer 2012 edition of Exponent II. Please send your Sisters Speak responses to [email protected] ■

Vol. 31, No. 4 Page 9 Reconciliations Brother and Sister

by Ben Zumsteg New York City, New York those things. I had attractions that other tive therapy.” I had to see my bishop. Emily Mosdell boys didn’t. Around 12 or 13, I made I had to tell Dad. I was under constant Denver, Colorado the conscious decision to stop pretend- surveillance. I was never permitted to ing to be straight. Let me be clear on be home alone. this: I did not make a decision to be Of all the experiences that were I was nearly five years old when my gay. I stopped allowing myself to be very hard for a 14-year-old me, going only sibling, my brother Ben, was born. dishonest with myself, though I knew it to LDS Social Services was the most Maybe it is our age or gender differ- would take some time before I could be damaging. I never let myself be influ- ence, or our parents’ way of raising honest with others. enced by what went on there. But it us, or our personalities, but I think it’s It was about a year after Mom and did force me to go deeper into myself, safe to say that as kids growing up just Dad’s divorce that I started to seek out to hide my true thoughts and feelings, north of Chicago, we almost always got gay friendships. This was in the early from everyone. along—we’d get the giggles at the din- days of the Internet; so, it was in AOL Outside of the dishonesty, I wasn’t ner table, much to our dad’s chagrin; chat rooms and such. It was probably a bad kid. I did well in school. I was we’d reenact Fred Astaire and Ginger a bit much for a 13-year-old to handle, a nationally ranked figure skater. But Rogers routines; we even had match- but it didn’t deter me. I started talk- the types of things I was told through- ing pairs of Converse at one point. As ing to someone online who ended up out high school, from clergy and oth- we’ve gotten older, our bond has deep- becoming a sort of mentor figure for ers, made me feel horrible about my- ened. I have sometimes joked that Ben me. He was 20 at that time, and I knew self. I never felt affirmed or worthy is the “other man” in my life. We are from the get-go that he had previously as a person. I was continually evalu- beyond lucky to have each other. worked with LGBT youth in various ated through the lens of my dishonesty Emily: When I was around 12 or 13 and capacities, and he was in a relationship and my “struggle” with my identity. It began to understand what “straight” (the same one he’s in to this day); so, I greatly impacted my self-esteem and and “gay” are, I remember thinking never felt like I was in danger. influenced some self-destructive -deci that there were things about you that We spent quite a bit of time to- sions I made later on. gether, all without our parents’ knowl- would lead others to think you were Emily: In the beginning, Mom felt I edge. We went to movies and dinners gay. I also remember thinking, “But was too quick to approve your feel- and talked about my situation. In hind- we’re Mormon. That doesn’t happen ings about your sexuality. I know that sight, we have both acknowledged that to Mormons.” I was obviously naïve. for years she held on to the hope that wasn’t the best idea. He could have ap- When did you know who you were? you might change. For her sake, I half- proached Mom early on and explained How did you know? heartedly tried to talk with you about why we had formed our friendship, but church-y topics, but I was pretty sure it didn’t happen that way. It got to the Ben: I can remember being attracted that nothing about this was going away. point where I couldn’t hide the friend- to other boys as early as five years old. I trusted that you had always felt this ship or my feelings about my sexual- That never went away. I had my girl way, and that wasn’t a big surprise to ity—I suppose you could say I was crushes, but there was no substance. I me, nor did it bother me. found out. And that’s when things de- wasn’t ever physically attracted to them I didn’t know how to reconcile my teriorated. beyond thinking, “Oh, she’s pretty.” I feelings about you with what the Church What followed—right around just wanted to be friends with them. was saying about homosexuality at the the start of my freshman year of high I figured out early on that what I was time (12 or 13 years ago), which was school—was intense. I was questioned experiencing was not what other boys that it is a choice. I convinced myself by the police because Mom feared I were feeling. It wasn’t just because that Heavenly Father knew your heart was being molested by this friend. I I figure skated, which was “girly.” It and circumstances, and that it would all was sent to LDS Social Services to be- wasn’t just because I was sensitive. It work out okay. wasn’t just because I was bullied for gin what I guess was a form of “repara-

Page 10 Exponent II Once you left home for college and thoughts, Emily. This isn’t what the were able to live your life as you want- Church is teaching.” And around and ed, I felt relief for you. I have loved around I’d go. Cognitive dissonance, the opportunity to spend time with every day. I felt so isolated—if I ad- the men in your life, whether friend or mitted to anyone how I felt, I wouldn’t boyfriend. I have needed to hear their be considered faithful anymore. (En- stories—when and how they came out ter another question: Did I want to be and, especially, whether or not they had faithful anymore?) I also felt angry the support of their families. and embarrassed about what was hap- pening in California. I was afraid that Ben: One thing you did from the start people would assume that because I’m was to tell me that you wanted me to Mormon, I agreed with what was go- be happy. That simple statement alone ing on. does a lot for someone who is dealing with their identity. Ben: On election night, I went to the When you’re told over and over that Obama rally in Grant Park. The sense who you are is like being a drug addict of relief and optimism was palpable. or alcoholic, that it’s a deficiency you People were crying and hugging and have to overcome lest you end up face- Emily and Ben at “The Bean” genuinely optimistic about the fu- down in a ditch somewhere, you learn in Millennium Park, Chicago ture. But I distinctly remember walk- to think from a very young age that you ing through the streets of downtown are defective. With that mindset, what meetings, as well as transcripts from Chicago afterward, celebration every- hope do you have of living a fulfilling the telecasts the Church was hosting where, and getting texts from friends life? Because you feel you were born for members—those were difficult to about the voting results coming in from with it, you can never overcome it. But swallow, but what they contained was California regarding Prop 8. It was you don’t want to overcome it—it’s nothing new to me. Out of curiosity, I heartbreaking and disappointing and who you are! Once I was on my own, looked up the published pro-Prop 8 do- stood in stark contrast to the feelings of I had to teach myself that I was worthy nations coming out of Illinois and saw elation and hope at the rally. of living the life I wanted. the names of so many people we knew I went to an anti-Prop 8 protest in growing up in our ward. I remember downtown Chicago in late November, Emily: For years, I kept floating by thinking, “You don’t feel I deserve the but to be honest, I never felt great about on my conviction that I may not un- same legal rights as your children?” the anti-Mormon rhetoric. I knew what derstand why anyone is gay, or why These were people whose children you and others were experiencing post- the Church was maintaining that it is I grew up with, people I generally Prop 8; so, I felt a lot of the anger (pro- a choice, but that it would all be okay. looked up to as a young kid, who were testing in front of temples, etc.) was Just before the election in 2008, I flew now writing checks worth thousands misplaced. But I was still very bitter to Chicago for a weekend, leaving be- of dollars to support the cause. Those and angry at the Church as an institu- hind my family in Baltimore to have contributions hurt me more than any tion. some quality brother-sister time. We anonymous inflammatory comment on talked a lot about Prop 8, something I Emily: I continued going to Church a website could. had been consciously ignoring because and serving in my callings. But my dis- it made me so uncomfortable that the Emily: After leaving Chicago, there sonance wasn’t going away. Then, on Church had gotten involved. wasn’t a day that went by when my Sunday, October 3, 2010, I went alone mind wasn’t reeling. How can we tell to the nearest church building to watch Ben: I remember relaying to you vari- someone who is gay that he or she the morning session of General Con- ous bits and pieces I had been reading can’t marry the person he or she loves? ference. When President Packer started about the Prop 8 fight. Being in Chi- The way they feel about members of speaking, it wasn’t long before I could cago, I was living at the center of the the same sex is no more controllable see where he was going. I can still re- Obama campaign’s world and got in- than my heterosexuality. No more of a member the words he spoke that were volved through volunteering and phone choice than a person’s skin color. deleted from the print version pub- banking. It was the most politically But as soon as these thoughts would lished in the Ensign. “Why would our active I’d ever been, so, I was reading cross my mind, another would enter: Heavenly Father do that to anyone?” he a lot about everything. I read the ini- “You are not supposed to have these asked, meaning, Why would God make tial letter that was read in sacrament Vol. 31, No. 4 Page 11 someone the way they are, when how tually brought our entire family closer life beyond work. In years previous, they’re living is sinful? He could have together, especially considering how they told me that they thought you were been talking about any number of what badly things started out nearly 15 years merely going through a phase. he called tendencies (changed to temp- ago. Before, I didn’t talk much to either When you and Mike walked in tations in print), but the most obvious of my parents about my dating life— that door, there were no polite hand- implication was that he was saying that perhaps just the major milestones, like shakes—instead there were warm, God wouldn’t make anyone gay. breakups. But largely, I didn’t volun- welcoming hugs. I was astounded. It Hearing these words, on the heels teer, and they didn’t ask. was better than I had allowed myself to of months of my internal struggles— Now that Mike and I are married, hope. after a number of gay suicides that had our parents have both taken a more ac- Ben: I can honestly say that I would not made headlines across the country—I tive interest in my life and our life as a be where I am today without your un- sat on that back pew and wept. He’s couple. Perhaps they even see that the conditional love. You’ve been steadfast wrong, I thought. I know my brother way I’m living my life now is not so in your support and in your willingness was born this way. But I’m listening different from the life I would’ve led to listen at every step of my journey, es- to an apostle! Is he really saying what had I been straight and decided to stay pecially in the face of opposition from God would say? If so, where does that active in the Church. leave my brother? His friends? Me? within the Church and, at times, within As heartbreaking as that talk was Emily: Mom had come a long way with our family. for me, it led me to people who share you and your life since those early days. I’m so grateful to be married and my feelings, whether in person or on I know she was happy for you two. But to be building a family, and I hope that the internet. Finding this community I will never forget the day after Christ- other couples in my situation are lucky helped me to focus months of jumbled mas in 2010, when you two newlyweds enough to have champions like you thoughts and break out of that lonely had been invited to dinner at Dad’s to affirm them. My hope is that more and infuriating inner dialogue. I real- house. It was the first time Dad and our people will do the same for their LGBT ized that it is okay to disagree with an stepmom were to meet Mike. You and I family members—that they will love apostle, and decided that the Church is wondered what this would be like since and support them and celebrate the still a good place to be, even if I have they had never asked you about your families they create. questions. I’m still not fully recon- Emily: I can’t describe how grate- ciled, but at least it’s not as much a ful I am that all along, something burden as it used to be. inside you knew you were okay, In the meantime, you had been just as you were, that you could in a relationship with a wonderful live an authentic life once the time man for a little over a year, and you was right, and that you have lived it two were getting ready to take a big so well. If I had to do any of it over step in your life together. again, I would still choose to ques- Ben: Mike and I were married (le- tion and to experience that cogni- gally!) in Connecticut in Novem- tive dissonance rather than creating ber of 2010. We had moved to New any distance in our relationship. York shortly before gay marriage My favorite Article of Faith has was legalized there. My relation- always been the 9th: “…and we be- ship with Mike has changed my lieve that He will yet reveal many life in ways that I couldn’t have great and important things pertain- predicted as a teenager. In fact, ing to the Kingdom of God.” Is it it’s better than I’d dreamed! From possible that we could learn more the start of our relationship, Mike in the future about how homosex- has provided the love and support uality fits into God’s plan? I hope that I think I always tried to find so. I pray so. More and more often for myself in the aftermath of my these days, I choose to believe that struggles with the Church. God cares more about how we love Our marriage has brought than who we love. ■ about other consequences that I couldn’t have predicted: It has ac- CTR by Anonymous Page 12 Exponent II Strangers in the Land

by Ronald Raynes Eugene, Oregon few weeks later, I took her home to I had no idea of the personal Oregon for Thanksgiving, to meet my Several times over the past fifteen toll that a mixed-orientation family. And a few weeks after that, we were engaged to be married. Along the years, my wife and I have agonized marriage would exact when we whether or not to walk away from our way, God had answered my prayers. I temple marriage of now more than 30 started our life together. firmly believed that marriage to Miss years. Ours is a mixed-orientation mar- Right was what God wanted me to do. riage, out of the closet now to our fam- expected of faithful men and women. I I had never really kissed a woman. ily. Our personal story has been quietly just couldn’t be gay, because I knew in “Arms-length” was not only conve- held back from most of our friends at my heart that I loved God and I would nient to fears about my lack of physical church. Do we live a double life of never engage in immoral behavior, attraction to women, but it was also the faithful appearances? Can we enjoy a even if I was “occasionally” attracted virtuous path of righteous priesthood genuine companionship of mutual re- to guys. Never mind the persistent fact holders. However, Miss Right was spect, love, and fulfillment? Our - an that growing up, I never had or wanted willing to be a good coach. After a swer today to these questions is “Yes.” a girlfriend. Physical relationships with couple stumbling attempts, I learned But “Yes” has not always been girls were awkward, yet brother-sister straight from her pleasant lips the plea- there for us. The painful outcome of friendships were easy and fun. After sure of kissing. Maybe I could actually divorce is quite common among LDS my mission, I pursued dating women do this marriage thing after all. Yes, I mixed-orientation marriages. Our for the practical purpose of finding an “struggled with SSA,” but maybe I modern Mormon culture is typically eternal companion, and surely God could leave all those feelings of gender rigid and unforgiving about matters would tell me when the right person insecurity behind me. I was 24, tired of deeply connected to sex and fidelity, came along. But after three post-mis- being alone, and naivete was the name especially if the intrusion into the ce- sion years of wife-hunting at BYU, I of the game. Actually, it was the only lestial bedroom is same-sex attraction was frustrated and lonely. game I knew. (SSA). Our story was typical: The gay And then Miss Right moved into My wife today doesn’t recall my husband finally acknowledges to him- my student ward. She was an indepen- casual disclosure about my SSA and self the truth of his attractions, and the dent thinker, said what she thought, and the dynamics of the Kinsey Scale. I wife finds herself in a terrible dilemma didn’t suck up to me like many young remember talking about these issues of what to do next in a relationship of women did. She was a “feminist” and during our engagement, but I guess eroded trust and love. But our story did she was brilliant! Plus, she was a con- my talk didn’t set off any gay alarms not end there—we have managed to re- vert to the Church and a returned mis- for her. I had bought into the notion build and remain a loving couple. sionary. Miss Right had a great sense that being “Same-Sex Attracted” was I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of humor and beautiful blue eyes that not the same as being gay. As long as of Latter-day Saints as a faithful and sparkled like my mother’s. Now here I didn’t act on my feelings, then ac- idealistic 18-year-old, ready to convert was a woman that actually caught my cording to the Church, I wasn’t gay. the world to the wonderful news of the attention. However, after multiple dates She loved me because she thought I restored gospel of Jesus Christ. I was still treading water and treating was smart, handsome, spiritual, faith- Particularly thrilling to me was the her like a sister. Sensing that our rela- ful, sensitive and artsy. Mrs. Right still idea that God spoke today to a prophet! tionship was going nowhere, this asser- loves me for these same attributes, but President Spencer W. Kimball was the tive woman challenged me to own up now there is a defining difference: As Lord’s mouthpiece to teach me and His to my ambiguity. Miss Right told me, “I we were talking about this article, she Church all the truths of living the obe- do not want to be ‘just friends,’ I have confided, “Would I have chosen this? dient life. I adored President Kimball’s all the friends I need!” Such forthright- No.” And I, now knowing what we’ve humble persona, and I took to heart his ness was surprising, and the thought of gone through, would not have imposed teachings regarding the abomination losing her was frightening, so I found it on her either. of homosexuality. I believed him, that myself saying that I wanted to get se- Valentine’s Day 1981 and two queers were perversions of what God rious about our future life together. A weeks before our wedding, I didn’t get Vol. 31, No. 4 Page 13 ing through this cycle of pressing my gayness and became more guilt and shame—hoping open with Mrs. Right. I started blog- to somehow satisfy my at- ging in the “Mohosphere” and com- tractions with understand- paring notes with other people’s ex- ing and healing, yet fearing perience. We both began to accept my the insatiable need would set of native attractions and talents as eventually tear me apart— originating from biological and cultural was my nightmare waiting family roots, and that I had nothing to to happen. be ashamed of for being a gay man. We After years of trying, have come to the conclusion that Heav- most mixed-orientation enly Father loves gay people like all marriages cloaked with others, unconditionally and in the way Male Reclining Nude, by Darci Bertelsen, dark secrets eventually die He created them. We find ourselves Springville, Utah of attrition and/or betrayal. more accepting of all people, espe- What saved us as a couple cially gay folks, and we are both more around to buying a Valentine card . . . was that we were both committed to open to considering differing ideas and big mistake! I put it off, got distracted, our marriage, and sought help from celebrating the beautiful diversity that and didn’t think it really mattered. Af- a good counselor to address our lay- makes us all a human family. ter all, we were engaged, right? Court- ers of issues. My SSA wasn’t the only I came from a family fractured by ing was over. Perhaps my disregard “problem.” Through the years of rais- divorce, and I promised myself that I should have been a flashing red light ing children and meeting their needs, would never put my children through for her, but she forgave me and we still our survival mode had evolved into not such trauma. But when the kids were got married. However, the realities of being honest about our needs, feelings practically grown and mostly out of a mixed-orientation marriage meant and behaviors. When I confessed my the house, the rules changed. No one my desiring her has been a chronic continuing male attractions and ratio- was making me stay any longer. My deficit. How could she possibly feel nalized the times I got close to crossing kids knew about and accepted my gay cherished, revered as my one true love, the fidelity line, it came as a bombshell orientation. I no longer felt stuck in a when I was not intrinsically attached, on top of our co-dependence and her horrible compromise. I could let go of and I felt emptiness and longing for clinical depression. my sense of family duty and come to connection with other men? Some- “Coming out” was painful but the terms with my own desires and agency. thing wasn’t quite right, but she didn’t open truth was easier to deal with. At I think happiness relies on freedom to know it wasn’t her fault. In many subtle first my wife wasn’t sure if she wanted choose that which brings us purpose ways, my being gay broke her heart. I to stay in the marriage. Mrs. Right an- and joy. Saving grace came to me would never advise any of my precious grily asked the difficult question, “How when I considered all the important as- daughters to marry a gay man. can I trust you about anything?” My pects of living and loving my wife that I had no idea of the personal toll that answer wasn’t particularly comfort- I valued in our marriage, and decided a mixed-orientation marriage would ing, but it was our reality: I was still that I really wanted those blessings. I exact when we started our life together. the same person I had always tried to wanted her. She wanted me. I had repressed my homoerotic feel- be. My wife believed the gospel and Regardless of orientation, happi- ings and believed LDS Church leaders our temple covenants could hold us ness and fulfillment in life is not about who taught at the time that such urges together. She chose to be loyal to that sex, it is about intimacy. would dissipate and be replaced with faith in the face of great anguish. Even We are finding intimacy again in “natural” heterosexual attractions once though the dark threat of divorce was our marriage. We are finding peace in I married. However, as my wife and I sometimes overshadowing our horizon, our marriage, springing from a font became sexually active, the opposite we refused to give up. We had become of mercy. . . that is, in our giving and occurred—I became even more hungry strangers in the land we were travel- receiving grace from one another. Per- for physical male connection. I lived in ling through, and even though we had haps this may be too simple for some, a churn of faithful church activity, gen- crossed a wide prairie, still we knew but through our maturing marriage we uine emotional love for my wife, regu- we had to get over the mountains to find that grace and kindness happens lar married sex, secret cruising of gay find our home. each day, one opportunity at a time, to pornography in search of answers to Positive changes in our marriage hold, to cherish, to forgive and be for- my hidden sexuality, desperate prayers and outlook came when I stopped sup- and repeated heartfelt repentance. Liv- given. ■ Page 14 Exponent II Poetry Stone or Flame In Love Made Visible Grown

by May Swenson by May Swenson by Dayna Patterson 1913-1989 1913-1989 Nacogdoches, Texas

Shall we pray to be delivered In love are we made visible At the orphanage, there were from the crying of the flesh As in a magic bath many mothers, Shall we live like the lizard are unpeeled brown ones and white ones, cut in the frost of denial to the sharp pit outs of light. so long concealed On a bright day, his mothers came Or shall we offer the nerve-buds for him, of our bodies With love’s alertness Mommy Kathy and Mommy Lynn. to be nourished (or consumed) we recognize in the sun of love the soundless whimper They wrapped him in warm words Shall we wrap ourselves rigid of the soul and blankets, against desire’s contagion behind the eyes and boarded the plane for the in sarcophagi of safety A shaft opens United States insulate ourselves and the timid thing where they would brace his from both fire and ice at last leaps to surface clubbed foot— And will the vessel of the heart with full-spread wing the one that crushed his first stay warm mother’s heart. if our veins be drained of passion The fingertips of love discover There were other problems, too. Will the spirit rise virile more than the body’s smoothness Ear infections, pneumonia, SPD. from the crematory ash They uncover a hidden conduit His mothers got out the checkbook for the transfusion for speech and horse back therapy. Shall we borrow of empathies that circumvent from the stone the mind’s intrusion When he was older, they enrolled him relentless peace in special preschools to help tune or from the flame In love are we set free his fine-motor skills. Later, horn exquisite suicide? ■ Objective bone lessons, museum trips, read-a-thons and flesh no longer insulate us to ourselves alone at the library, visits to new cities, new We are released countries, study abroad, and a and flow into each other’s cup dual degree Our two frail vials pierced in music and modern languages. drink each other up. ■ Grown, in every sense of the word, his “In Love Made Visible” and “Stone earliest memories— or Flame” from THE COMPLETE the lips of Mommy Lynn in a strong LOVE POEMS OF MAY SW- trombone pout; the lips of ENSON. Copyright © 1991, 2003 Mommy Kathy by The Literary Estate of May spouting Spanish poetry; their lips firm Swenson. Reprinted by permis- with words that caressed him and sion of Houghton Mifflin Harcourt called him Publishing Company. All rights beautiful and son. ■ reserved.

Seated Female Study, by Darci Bertelsen Vol. 31, No. 4 Page 15 A Few Things I Know For Sure

by Kathy Carlston Alameda, California the courage to tell him. He offered to were a few things that I considered get me in contact with a therapist who when deciding whether or not to ac- I’ve been attracted to girls for as could help me try to change my orien- cept. First, “The Proclamation on the long as I can remember. Growing up, tation, but I refused because that would Family” basically states that redefining I always had a crush on a gorgeous mean I would need to tell my parents. the family is what will cause the world teacher or a friend of mine. There’s In high school I excelled academi- to experience the wrath of God before speculation that my same-sex attrac- cally and socially, but continued to si- Christ’s Second Coming. Secondly, tion began as a result of being molested lently struggle with my orientation. I in my coursework at BYU, we were by a neighbor when I was about three, enrolled at BYU, where I became deep- presented with many studies where but regardless of the cause, I haven’t ly depressed and a fixture in the Coun- we looked at optimal environments in had any success with re-orienting my- seling Center in the Wilkinson Center’s which to raise children. These studies self. basement. I was convinced that I could argued that kids were twice as likely There are a few things that I know and must change my sexual orienta- to grow up without addiction, poverty, for sure: 1) God loves me; 2) He takes tion for many reasons, one of the big- abuse, and a number of other negative a personal interest in my life; 3) He gest being that my Patriarchal Blessing things if they were raised by a hetero- wants me to be happy. Other facts and is very specific about what a rock-star sexual married couple than kids raised figures come and go, but when it comes husband I was supposed to have and in same-sex, cohabiting, or single-par- down to it, that’s what I know. the amazing things we’d do together. ent households. Wanting to put off the I was raised in the LDS Church and The counselors that I met with assured “wrath of God” and feeling that every I absolutely adored it. I was fiercely de- me that they would be able to help me kid should have the right to be raised vout and tried to live up to what I was change. One told me that lesbians usu- in an optimal environment, I accepted taught—as a result, I became a pretty ally “change” after feeling emotionally the bishop’s invitation to volunteer on incredible person. Of course some- connected to a man they’re in a rela- behalf of Proposition 8. where along the way, I picked up on the tionship with, but she also told me that My efforts with the Proposition fact that it’s not okay to be gay. Dozens male homosexuality seems to be more 8 campaign put me face to face with of sacrament talks listed it with other biologically based. I believed that since mass rejection. Many in my area and sexual sins as the most grievous aside my “condition” was probably not bio- in my ward felt the Church had over- from denying the Holy Ghost and mur- logical, with enough effort and through stepped its bounds. They wanted their der. This thought was deeply frighten- the Atonement, I would be able to fall gay friends to have the right to live ing, and year after year I struggled with in love with a man who would give happy, satisfying lives as married cou- everything I had in me to overcome my me the emotional and spiritual support ples, and felt that it wasn’t the Church’s thoughts and feelings. Above all, I kept that I needed and that we could work business to involve itself. I could defi- them to myself, feeling that my family, through these issues together. Therapy nitely empathize with them—if people friends, and Church leaders would be at BYU did relieve a lot of my own didn’t feel right about the effort, they heartbroken if they ever knew. self-hatred and depression, but I con- absolutely shouldn’t have to partici- I was 14 when I finally made my tinued to be gay. pate. However, I did what I did because first appointment to talk to my bishop I had just begun my coursework for I felt that it was my duty. I had spent about it. Through tears I told him that I a second degree at a school in Califor- my whole life believing what I had was gay. He asked me all sorts of em- nia when it was announced over the been taught about the dangers of “ho- barrassing questions about what I had pulpit that the Church would be ac- mosexual lifestyles,” and at the time I done. It was super scary—he seemed tively supporting the passage of Propo- was campaigning on behalf of Prop 8, pretty panicked. But I hadn’t actu- sition 8. They asked for a brother and was firm in my belief that I would be ally done anything, and eventually he a sister to volunteer to be in charge able to change myself, and therefore all ran out of questions and the meeting of the ward’s efforts leading up to the homosexuals would be able to change ended. The next week we had another election. A couple weeks later, I got with the light of the Gospel. While I did meeting, and he apologized and told called into the bishop’s office, and he my best to respect people’s feelings, me he was so proud of me for having asked me if I could fill this role. There it was still painful to feel so alone in Page 16 Exponent II the campaign. Some gay as I was during that of my friends who first appointment with I had known for my bishop when I was years cut me out of 14. While it is true that their lives and still the Church has modi- haven’t spoken to fied its rhetoric about me since I changed how one should deal my Facebook profile with homosexual feel- picture to a “Yes on ings from “change” to 8” logo. It was pain- “control,” its history ful, but I could un- still remains. On top of derstand where they that, the Church leaves were coming from. only one real option for I’d like to hope that if Consequences by Lindsay Hansen Park, Stansbury Park, Utah gay people: celibacy. I they knew about my personally think that it’s particular predicament at the time, they I feel like I no longer have a life plan atrocious to expect people to be alone might have been more empathetic, but in the Church without the possibility of for their entire lives. Add that to the who’s to say? All in all, I thought that marriage. In years past, I yearned to be background of remaining alone in a my efforts for the campaign were right asked out, but the more I come to grips church that’s literally obsessed with because it was what the prophet had with my sexual orientation, the more I marriage, plus constantly being taught asked us to do, and at the time I thought feel that it’s unethical to be in a serious that homosexuality and therefore gay that the Church knew how to handle the relationship with a guy. Most accounts people are abominable to God, and it’s issue. that I’ve seen regarding mixed-orienta- easy to see why gay people might not With the election finally over, I tion marriages indicate that they are a want to stick around. It’s heartbreak- didn’t have to deal with the stress, powder keg waiting to go off, leaving ing and a huge red flag to me that the rejection, and pain of Proposition 8 heartbreak and misery in their wake. Church which claims to be the voice of anymore. I continued through school, Many in years past have been coun- God and have all truth circumscribed graduated, and found a job I adore in seled by the Church to seek marriage into one great whole has been wrong my new field. I continued to participate as a “cure” to homosexual inclinations, about an issue which most acutely af- in therapy in an effort to change my ori- but most people report that their homo- fects my life. entation. Try and try as I might, though, sexual desires only increased after mar- Over and over again, God has made deep down nothing has changed. I’ve riage. it clear to me that He loves me and done everything that my bishop, stake Over the course of its history, I be- wants me to be happy. What I yearn for president, or therapist has ever asked lieve the Church has been wrong in its most is to love and be loved. I’ve loved me to do, and believe me, I was ex- prescription of what affected members Church partly because it has given me tremely motivated to change. Over should do with this issue. Writings like motivation to be kinder, more forgiv- the past year, after feeling that I’ve Spencer Kimball’s The Miracle of For- ing, and more like Christ. Its teachings exhausted the Church and therapy’s giveness indicate that a homosexual not of the afterlife have been particularly resources, I’ve finally allowed myself only can, but MUST change. There are helpful to me while grieving for friends to do research in materials which don’t so many accounts of homosexual mem- that have passed away. However, the necessarily support the Church’s views bers of the Church who have tortured baggage of self-loathing, the threat of on homosexuality. These sources are themselves over President Kimball’s rejection, and the obsessive pressure usually scientific studies and personal words and Church pressures. Many to get married dumped on me and oth- accounts of homosexuals who have have even been driven to suicide. I’ve ers in my situation by the Church and tried to change. For the most part, it personally been told point-blank by its members is enough to drive anyone seems to be impossible to change one’s members of the Church and mem- mad. I’m no longer convinced that God inclinations, unless you are somewhat bers of my family that being gay is a guides the LDS Church any more than bisexual in the first place. I’d never choice. Believe me, if I could choose to He guides every other church full of before let myself accept the possibility change, I would not be writing this arti- His children whom He loves. For now, that I wouldn’t be able to change. This cle. I’ve spent thousands of dollars go- I plan to try and figure out what God fact horrified me and has created a lot ing through a decade of therapy trying Himself wants me to do, rather than the of unwanted implications for me. to re-orient myself, and I’m still just as Church. ■

Vol. 31, No. 4 Page 17 My Pioneer Ancestors

by Rachel Farmer Brooklyn, New York Deborah Farmer Kris Fort Worth, Texas

Rachel Farmer is a Greenpoint, Brooklyn, artist who hails originally from Provo, Utah – with a stop in between to earn an MFA from the School of the Art Institute of Chicago. Along with her love of family pioneer stories, she was a child obsessed with tales of mountain men, Little House on the Prairie, clogging, wild snakes and shooting stars. She enjoys working in a variety of media, with this new series incorporating hand-built clay sculptures, video/photography and drawing. Rachel also plays music (violin/fiddle), teaches (School Programs at MoMA), and was the Senior Associate Producer on the feature documentary Kings Park: Stories from an American Mental Institution, which premiered at the Woodstock Film Festival in September 2011.

ARTIST’S STATEMENT: I’m captivated by stories of my ancestors – both my Mormon pioneer ancestors and my pioneering queer ances- tors. Some days I like to play around with collapsing the two, creating my own new ancestry. I am interested in what we inherit – anything from worldviews to the physical, knick- knacky stuff. I see these pioneer figurines and paper dolls as ghosts (sometimes welcome, sometimes not so welcome) who inhabit my world, but ghosts I can pick up and play with. Top: Ancestors at Independence Rock Above: Ancestor Fixing Her Handcart Page 18 Exponent II Exponent II “Generations” editor Deborah Farmer Kris interviewed her sister and artist, Rachel Farmer, about the ghosts of ancestors past and her own pioneer journey. Deborah: In your artist statement, you describe your pio- neer figurines as “ghosts (sometimes welcome, sometimes not so welcome) who inhabit my world.” In what ways do your Mormon ancestors haunt you? Rachel: Three years ago, I was in Utah hanging out with Mom and her friend. This friend had her granddaughters in town from out-of-state for Pioneer Day – she wanted them to remember where they came from and the trials and tribulations their ancestors went through. One girl was complaining about being tired as we were taking a short walk. She was told to buck up, quit complaining, and “be during a trip along the Mormon Trail. Did anything about a pioneer.” your trek surprise you? That moment made obvious what had been drummed into me as a kid. No wonder my ancestors haunt me! They Rachel: I took a short trip to Independence Rock and the were forever present. And they continue to be present. Ev- Mormon Handcart Historic Site at Martin’s Cove. It was ery time I’m going through something tough, my internal very hot, quiet, and beautiful, and very funny to keep talk is to tell myself to be strong, stoic, and stalwart in the pulling my little ceramic pioneers out of a box to pho- face of adversity – just like my pioneer ancestors. Some- tograph them in different settings. They seemed both to times, this provides great strength. Sometimes, it is just complete the picture and to be totally out of place—espe- stupid. cially in one area where cars and trucks raced by. (I have a I go back and forth between calling my little figurines great video of that.) One of the most surprising moments ghosts or ancestor spirits. Right now, they are feeling more was when I realized that I could access the diary of our like ancestor spirits leading my way on. But, of course, I great-great- grandfather, James Bellamy Farmer, via my made mine all women . . . which makes it all much more iPhone! So here we were, driving to Independence Rock, fun and applicable to my life! while reading about his experience trekking past there in 1853. It was very trippy, feeling like time and space had Deborah: Let’s talk about Ancestors Under Wyoming collapsed. Skies. It’s just one in a series of photographs you took

Top: Holding up Ancestor Above: Ancestors Setting Down Their Handcarts for the Night Vol. 31, No. 4 Page 19 Deborah: I have to ask: You “came out” great community of young artists, some (at least to a select few) while still amazing art teachers/mentors, and three at BYU. What was that like to gay boys to light my way. be an emerging gay artist in The last year-and-a-half at BYU Provo, Utah? ended up being incredibly productive. I ended with a bang, creating a huge Rachel: Ah, I usually keep installation in a very public space in BYU out of my bio! It’s a big the Harris Fine Arts Center. And then, long story, and one I haven’t two weeks later, I packed my bags and thought about for a while, but it might got on a plane to Chicago with nothing be helpful to some people to share a little. in place but an interview for grad I had spent two-and-a-half fine years school. That first winter/spring in at BYU. I was about to turn 21 and was Chicago was one of the hardest one step away from turning in my times of my life, but the intense papers to go on a mission. I woke relief of leaving Utah kind of up one day, and every fiber of my made up for it. Now, here in being (yep, I still know my Mormon NYC, I’ve become a total city lingo) was saying no way; do not girl and it’s hard to imagine liv- go on a mission. This quickly ing anywhere but here. turned into an intense need to stop participating in this religion. Deborah: Tell me more And then lo and behold, about your piece, Holding within a few months, I put Up Ancestor. Is she everything together and heavy? realized I was not at all Rachel: Ha, no – straight (it was kind of she’s a ghost – very obvious once I was willing light! Ok, maybe to face the obvious). psychologically she’s This was 1993, and queer a little heavy sometimes. But our ancestors get tired from people just didn’t exist in my limited reality, except on the being so mythologized. They need a little break once in a news. I thought about dropping out or transferring, but de- while to just be human; so, I’m giving her a turn by holding cided to focus all of my energy into my art and get myself her up. Or maybe I’m feeling an obligation to hold her up. into a good grad school far, far away. Plus, I needed to give Hmm . . . Soon there will be a paper doll of her holding me myself time to wrap my head around all of this. up—got to take turns! ■ I stayed under the radar, had to lie a bit (which I abso- lutely hated), often felt lonely and isolated, but found a

Top: Ancestors at Rest Above, left: Ancestors Traversing Quilt Above, right: Ancestors Huddled Page 20 Exponent II Living My Life Backward

by Natasha Loewen Victoria, British Columbia As sure as I could be about theo- who was my ward’s first counselor and retical entanglements with theoretical a mentor of sorts to me. At age 18, and females, I knew from age 12 that I was with full disclosure about my sexual I didn’t cry when finally I drove bisexual. And at age 16, when I joined identity, I married him. Here, with my my rented U-Haul away from my four the Mormon Church, I had an inkling spouse, my children, my church, and young Albertan children, headed for that this would pose a problem for me my God, I would find a home and that Victoria, British Columbia, leaving one day. Nevertheless, needy for family would be all that I would need. them with my newly ex-husband. At and structure and believing the religion But, as the years wore on, I started least not for the first seven or so hours. to be inclusive—one that didn’t believe to outgrow the safe box into which I I was a young stay-at-home mom in strict ideas of heaven and hell, one had climbed. Prop 8 happened in Cali- for 10 years who, for the first six years, that loved everyone—I joined. The fornia, and the Church’s stance against used a babysitter only eight times. I love promised by the Church seemed a gay marriage held my heart and my birthed four children in five-and-a-half suitable trade-off for the kind of love soul hostage. I read everything I could years, two of them at home in a birth- I’d be giving up and, anyway, I was about what Church leaders said about ing pool. I breastfed them until they growing sweet on a much older man homosexuality. Some of what I read were nearly two. I slept with them in broke my heart, but I could have my bed. I took hundreds of photos, withstood it; I could have found sang made-up songs about crayons, a way to believe I was wrong in constructed impressive homemade order to stave off cognitive disso- Martha Stewart-style birthday par- nance and to remain included in ties, taught them to read early, and the Church—just as I had found even home-schooled for a while a way to believe the Church was before placing them into French right when I joined it and aban- immersion programs in public doned previous beliefs. school. Having started my parent- It was a non-issue that my ing research in my mid-teens, by own sexuality was naturally wont the time I had my first child at age to breach Mormon heterosexual 19, I was informed on the pros and strictures; I had already vowed to cons of vaccination, circumcision, be monogamous in my marriage. sleep training, the great virtues of Rather, it was my intellect that baby-wearing, the dark evils of could not withstand the contra- spanking, and so on. Given my dictions. If two prophets say what passionate, scholarly foray into at- seem to be opposing things, one of tachment parenting, today’s absen- them has to be wrong. How does tee mothering is painfully ironic. a prophet get something so impor- I sleep alone now. I no longer tant so wrong? And, if he could get own a Honda Odyssey or any ve- X wrong, how can I trust in Y or Z? hicle. The cries of babies punctuat- This gave me reason to examine ing my slumber have been replaced more closely all the other doctrinal with iPhone notifications of -mes and historical aspects of Mormon- sages received on dating websites. ism that made me uncomfortable. I am living my life backwards. The more I looked, the bigger the Like most people who marry, I pile of problems became, and my never imagined I would one day plans to examine each objection divorce. But as a young Mormon individually and at honest length woman, planning a large family, I The Mother Train became overwhelming and then really never imagined it. Exponent II Staff Photo impossible. Vol. 31, No. 4 Page 21 I kept the extent of my religious this affect my relationship with my der of things. But there was also a time struggle mostly to myself. My greater children? How could I and they con- when I didn’t know how I could ever concern was my marriage—already front this conflicting reality every day? leave my marriage or the Church. What straining at the joints for reasons of its It was like life whiplash, some kind of I once doubted could ever feel normal own (including, but hardly limited to or crazy experiment: How much change, now feels glorious, an always-shoulda- beginning with, my falling in love with loss, estrangement, and obstacles can been. My brain is rewiring itself and a woman). My marriage could never one woman weather gracefully in a my heart expanding. withstand my battle to understand and single year? Sometimes, I face confusion from believe in Mormonism. The more trea- “How did you manage all that?” a people over how I could leave my chil- sonous my religious and philosophical friend recently asked. “How did you dren. I even had one man on a dating views became, the more resentful and not wind up in a mental hospital?” I site tell me he wanted to meet in pub- lonely my marriage became for us both. laughed, “Oh, I did!” For a mandatory lic, because who knows why my kids The decision to divorce took three 24 hours, I did. aren’t with me, I might be an axe mur- exhausting and depressing years. Then, derer, ha ha ha. I guess good mothers as we went through the process, I don’t leave their children. I must not was nudged out of the Church family. I sleep alone now. I no longer love them enough to stay. There were the pitying looks, the direct own a Honda Odyssey or any The truth is that my husband didn’t questionings of my decision, and the vehicle. The cries of babies love me enough, my church didn’t seemingly patronizing reminders from love me enough, and apparently, God Church leaders in semi-annual General punctuating my slumber have doesn’t love me enough; they could Conference talks to befriend and not been replaced with iPhone no- never love me enough to make up for judge the divorced members. Lastly, tifications of messages received the pain of not loving myself enough people—normally willing to help out to begin with. Inclusion is not uncondi- with moving, and to donate household on dating websites. I am living tional when we seek it outside of our- items to someone in need—were silent my life backwards. selves. I realized that I had excluded when asked directly. I was crushed. myself from my own life, abandoning my beliefs, desires, and goals to be in- He said that, if I wanted out of our mar- My sister beckoned from Victoria. cluded in the lives of others. That life riage, I had to leave the house. Whereas Mere days after her suggestion, I West- no longer felt authentic to me. Then, in we both wanted the children, he was Jetted, found an ideal loft apartment becoming excluded from their lives, I panicked about not having them, and I right downtown, a job the first place I became included within my own. By gave him nearly everything he demand- walked into, and, for the first time in living a deliberate, honest, loving life ed without contest. He was the one be- my life, the warmth of a city that felt of my own tailored blueprint, I have ing left; I was the one relieved to be like me waving back at myself with a built a home and a love within myself leaving. Surely, I was better equipped smile. that I can now also share with my chil- to handle being alone. Plus, one of us Driving that U-Haul was one of the dren. This home can never be occupied being a lawyer, and it not being me, I happiest and purest experiences of my by a new wife. It cannot be condemned didn’t feel up for a fight. The previous life. As I encountered my first green by a church. years had left me spent. highway sign directing the way to The rains can come down, and the Three weeks later, he met some- Victoria, I involuntarily screamed and floods can go up, and it will still stand. one online. A few months after that, he burst into tears of relief—a freedom The walls are built from experience, was planning to marry her, moving her cry. Upon settling into Victoria, I knew and that experience rests upon the foun- four children into our 1650-square-foot for certain I was finally done with Mor- dation of mistakes, and I see it and say, home that I designed and had built for monism as a practice and lens through “It is good.” I love this shelter and, be- my four children and us. Philosophical- which to view the world and its tender cause I do, my children will, too. They ly and personality-wise, she and I were people. And some Mormons were done will thank me for loving them enough nothing alike. She taught her children with me. to build them a safe home, where they that homosexuality was wrong and I occasionally keep company with can learn, find comfort, and hopefully gross; would she teach that to my chil- men and women at the movies, at din- grow up to live their lives forwards, not dren? She believed that ex-Mormons ner, and for walks along the harbor. I backwards. I hope so. I hear it might be were deceived by Satan and destined don’t yet know how I’ll integrate my a bit easier that way. ■ for unhappiness; would she convince children into a relationship or relation- my children of the same? How would ships, because this isn’t the typical or- Page 22 Exponent II Book Review Out of the Mount: Mormon Secrets, Both Happy and Not

by Amelia Parkin Out of the Mount: 19 From New Salt Lake City, Utah Play Project is more than just best friendship. That ed. Davey Morrison predictability could be the death knell of a story, but instead it adds emotional When the editors of Exponent II B10 Mediaworx, 2010, 284 p. depth to Claire’s account. Her narra- asked me to review a book for this is- tive bouncing between monologue and sue, I remembered Me- until it happens to you. dialogue maintains a quick pace, while lissa Leilani Larson’s Until it happens, and just limiting reflection without action. The play Little Happy Se- like that your lungs have fact that a Mormon audience knows crets, which I was de- sharp edges and it hurts what to expect when a good Mormon lighted to find in a recent to inhale or exhale, and girl finds herself struggling with “same- anthology of plays by your throat constricts sex attraction” makes her feelings more LDS authors titled, Out like you’re choking but devastating in their very predictability. of the Mount: 19 from there’s nothing to choke At one point Claire expounds on the New Play Project. Each on. It all happens in a nature of Mormon secrets: play tackles challeng- split second, when you ing ideas and issues of shudder a little in your Let me tell you something about Mor- Mormonism, some light- step and take a moment mons. . . . We are tremendously good heartedly, others more to blink back to real- at looking like we’re keeping secrets. seriously, and still others ity. Nope, you’re still alive, your heart Keeping things on the lowdown. We’re in absurdist abstraction. While all the didn’t really burst just now. (184) so good at it that when the secret comes plays were worth reading, Larson’s ex- out, it’s almost like a sin’s been commit- ploration of a young Mormon woman What proceeds is a fairly typical tale: ted, like something dreadful has hap- recognizing, attempting escape from, two girls living together, sharing ev- pened, even if the secret is innocent. and living with the realization that she erything. Until Bren meets Carter. One (186) is gay, is the last work in the book and date leads to another and another, un- the piece I enjoyed the most. til Claire feels the sting of Bren’s ab- It’s that ordinariness, the predictable The play cuts back and forth be- sence. Through months of occasionally Mormon response to secrets of any va- tween a monologue directed to the au- “gutsy” moments (as Claire thinks of riety, but especially the sexual variety, dience by Claire and her dialogue with them), but more commonly passive ac- that makes this play so vividly real. Brennan, her long-time best friend, both ceptance, Claire learns to live with the The play has merits beyond its recently returned missionaries. The two fact that Carter is there to stay. She be- poignant representation of a young young women happily reunite at BYU comes the third wheel, as Carter joins Mormon woman struggling with her where they share a house, weeknight her and Bren’s rituals. Claire treasures sexual identity. It shows the compli- excursions to the dollar theater, daily Friday nights, when Carter works, and cated dynamics around Mormon dating lunches, and Friday night ice-cream- she and Bren indulge in Ben & Jerry’s relationships in general; the terrible po- and-chick-flick marathons. Except and period piece films with only each tential for harm when a Mormon must Claire has a secret—she’s missed Bren other. reveal a secret to a family member; the desperately and the first time she sees The audience knows where the tale physical cost of suppressing a “sinful” her again, she’s hit by a very physical is going: Bren will get engaged. Claire secret identity. It’s a pitch-perfect ren- response: will be devastated. She’ll use every dition of life as a BYU undergrad and Mormon trick to understand and over- an elegant melding of monologue and Who knew that seeing her again . . . come her “inappropriate” feelings for dialogue. It’s certainly worth reading would hit me the way it did. It literally Bren, but it won’t be enough. When and, if the opportunity presents itself, took my breath away. That’s a phrase tragedy strikes, she gets gutsy again seeing. The whole anthology is certain- people use all the time, and you won- and tips her hand so Bren finally -un ly worth having on your shelf, whether der where it comes from, what it means, derstands that what Claire feels for her physical or digital. ■ Vol. 31, No. 4 Page 23 Goodness Gracious

“You Are Just Supposed to Love”

by Linda Hoffman Kimball Evanston, Illinois I was stuck for several months try- new mantra growing in me: “Your task ing to sort out my feelings about Rock is not to condemn or condone; you are It was 1985. I was 33 and pregnant Hudson, his life, his death, his homo- just supposed to love.” with my third child. Fashion statements sexuality. Was I disgusted? Surging So I set to work developing love for ran to puffy hair and shoulder pads. My with compassion? Aching for the strug- Rock Hudson, finding ways to hold this general media diet consisted primar- gles he must have suffered? I wasn’t son of God in my heart without judging ily of Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers. sure. him, without fear or embarrassment. I I sometimes watched the news. One One of the skills I used to become worked on developing the whole-soul night, I heard the shocking news about a Mormon in the first place was go di- love I believe disciples of Christ are the dead man I was soon to love. rectly to God when I “lacked wisdom.” called to do for every person. Any time As the most attractive leading man That came in handy again in this situ- confusion or judgment entered my mind of my mother’s generation, Rock Hud- ation. Did God, as many people were about this man, I prayerfully examined son convincingly played male leads in beginning to say, actually approve of what that source of confusion was and the 1950s and ‘60s. Often starring with homosexuality as a lifestyle? Or, did tried to replace it with the purest love I Miss Wholesomeness Herself, Doris God, as other people continued to rail, could muster. Praying for increased ca- Day, he was America’s hunky heart- condemn those actions and those peo- pacity to do this was a constant stream. throb. I saw some of his movies and ple? Reading through the scriptures, I kept enjoyed them, but I wasn’t a die-hard I came to believe that I simply examining how Jesus treated people, fan. couldn’t know all the reasons why a how he counseled his followers to love Back in the 1980s, I wasn’t familiar person would be homosexual and also one another. with the term “in the closet.” I was pret- know what God’s opinion about it was. Still, my little mantra has some ty sure, even as a child, that the choir God knew, but as far as I could suss holes. What about my gay friends who director and the organist (both men out, He wasn’t telling. And all the peo- want me to advocate for their choices who lived together) in my Protestant ple who said they spoke for Him were using my voice and my wallet? I feel church were “different,” but different going on centuries-old assumptions cowardly saying, “I’m not comfort- wasn’t bad. One of my good friends in and deep convictions. While in most able doing that. I’m still too clueless high school, another artist girl like me, things I trusted the authority of those about a lot of things but, hey, I love was athletic, created etchings of foot- leaders, on this topic I felt I needed to you.” On the other hand, I’m relieved ball players, and went on at consider- go straight to God. And God wasn’t that my state didn’t have the divisive able length about her very close friend, sharing much. Prop 8-type pressure from the Church. a girl from another town. No one had So what did I have control over? I do know I’m comfortable not funding a label for the kind of “different” she Here God started getting chattier, against those choices. My slogan ap- was. “giving more liberally,” one might pears to be made specifically for me; it I had seen the occasional proud, say. “What is the first and great com- is not necessarily broadly or practically flamboyant “queer” in documentaries, mandment—and the second one that is applicable. but they epitomized the “other.” They like unto it?” “What kernels have you Some won’t like that I’m not con- were people I couldn’t understand or gleaned from the many times you’ve demning. Some won’t like that I’m identify with. But, then, I heard about heard the story of the Good Samari- not condoning. It isn’t an easy path to the death of Rock Hudson from AIDS, a tan?” “When you sing that Primary walk. But my being Mormon has never new, mysterious illness associated with song, do you recall how people will been an easy path. homosexual behavior. I was stunned know you’re my disciple?” God often I have learned from my beloved and dismayed. He was a homosexual? engages me with questions. Tit for tat, I Rock Hudson that in building up the Was his death from AIDS an example guess. Kingdom of God on earth, condemning of “the wages of sin”? Had he betrayed Then, with a little alliterative flour- or condoning aren’t my assignments. heterosexual America? ish to appeal to my poetic heart, I felt a My job is simply to love. ■ Page 24 Exponent II Exponent Generations In 1872, our foremothers began publishing The Woman’s Exponent (1872 to 1914). One hundred years later, their spiritual granddaughters formed Exponent II (1970s to present), and 30 years after that, a new generation launched The Exponent blog into the digital realm (2006 to present). By reprinting thematically linked articles from these three different publications, we hope to pay homage to this chain of sisterhood. Exponent II has long had a tradition of striving to expand the community’s borders through love. In the first piece, Emily Woodmansee’s poem pays tribute to Emmeline B. Wells for her role as an editor with the courage to speak truth and defend the outcast. Victoria Grover eloquently writes about the need to claim all women as our own, despite our imperfections. Finally, Jessica Steed discusses how it is our imperfections and trials that enable us to reach out in love and understanding to all in our community.

The Woman’s Exponent: Appreciation to Mrs. Emmeline B. Wells

by Emily Hill Woodmansee Vol. 11 No. 1 (July 1, 1882) Is it not fit, that those who toil to bless us— Who like the working bee— For others gather up, the sweets most precious, The Editor, the Preacher, and the Poet, Should have our sympathy? Must hero be indeed; Must dare to help the right, must aim to know it; Many a mortal, bowed with care to sadness— Must make the truth their creed. Unequal oft would prove— To useful effort, but for thanks and gladness— Must speak their mind, must many wrongs decry; Received from friends they love. Must weigh their words most true, Must hit the mark, must hoist the banners high, And this is our desire, to cheer your spirit; Of truth and justice too. To yield you honor too; To show appreciation unto merit, And whosoe’er defends an outcast people— For this ‘tis right to do. Makes all the world his foes; And more than human strength he needs to equal, To help us all, has been your true endeavor, The power he must oppose. Sacred you’ve held your trust, And hence, we hope you will be strengthen’d ever, But every ordeal hath its compensation, To aid the cause most just. The cross must win the crown; And all are working out their own salvation, And may you still, “the Mighty One” rely on, Who help the trampled down. To guide and crown your aim, And still may many honest hearts in Zion— The soul who would be greater than his brother, Have cause to bless your name. □ Servant of all must be; Must e’en rejoice, to benefit another— By his ability. And happy must they be, or man or woman— Blest with the mind, the might— The love! To lift up souls from cares so human— To help, whate’er is right. Such is your lot; to cheer and comfort others; Nor should you have to ask— The staunch support, of sisters or of brothers— To aid your needful task. Images are from nineteenth century magic lantern slides Vol. 31, No. 4 Page 25 Exponent II: Reflections of a Monarch Butterfly

Victoria Grover Presque Isle, Maine When it came my turn to introduce Vol. 20, No. 4 (Summer 1997) myself to the group, I simply stated my Loneliness is one of the name and said “Monarch butterfly,” existential dilemmas of The other day, I was at yet another adding nothing else because I was al- mortal life. meeting where, before we could ad- ready on the edge of tears, thinking of dress our agenda, the facilitator thought how I was trying my best, in my own it would be useful for us to go around chaotic way, to keep moving towards to one another by our premortal spiritu- the group and introduce ourselves to Mexico—or, more accurately—to the al relationships, by our Heavenly Par- one another by telling what kind of place of my reunion and rebirth with ents, by our elder brother Jesus’ great animal we each identify with. I sighed others of my kind. gift of atonement. However, even when inwardly. This same scenario has been Loneliness is one of the existential we can bring the joyful knowledge of happening to me for more than thirty dilemmas of mortal life. We need our spiritual union to our consciousness, years, and I was getting ready to give separateness in order to truly use free we can also still feel terribly alone. We my usual stock reply: “The Blue-footed agency as it was meant to be used, as look around ourselves searching for the Booby.” (Can you tell I’ve never really one of the tools with which to shape our accepting smile, the outstretched hand, gotten into this concept, although I ac- immature spirits into beings of ultimate the nonjudgmental heart that takes us, tually am quite fond of the Blue-foot- responsibility, power, and unblemished warts and all, and claims us as one of ed Booby?) But I had a sudden flash love. Yet, from the moment we’re born, its own. of memory that not only changed my we seek to undo this separateness; to The miracle of Exponent II has been choice of animal that day but leads me melt ourselves into a belonging where that many different women, with many to my wish for the next generation of others hold our hearts as precious as we different views of the Church and the the keepers of the Exponent II flame. hold them ourselves. I think this is be- world and the ways things should be, I remembered the exact moment cause of the real anguish of our alone- have found themselves at home within several summers ago when I was ness and the veiled knowledge that this one community of sisters. That mutual watching a Monarch butterfly flutter apparent isolation is both truth and lie, acceptance and love have triumphed chaotically across a northern Maine that we are both solitary and yet bonded over personal dogma, private pain, and meadow and knew, of a individual idiosyncrasies. surety, that this disorga- My wish for the next nized and distracted-looking generation of Exponent II gentle creature, blown about leadership is that they may as much by her desire for never find a soul they cannot nectar as by the real breezes accept, a heart they cannot moving the flowers that day, love, a woman they cannot would successfully arrive own. The individuals among one winter in a clearing in them, I’m sure, will show the mountains of Mexico to weaknesses, short tempers, be reunited with her people. and irritations; but as a She would flutter in, ex- group, if they can remember hausted, to a great gather- that this is the gospel of love ing of others of her kind, to that we preach—though cluster with them wing tip their progress may at times to wing tip, to hang together seem uneven, though they and sway in the warm eve- may not always see where ning breezes of Mexico’s they are going—they will subtropical forests, thankful still inevitably arrive at the that she had finally arrived right place. □ home.

Page 26 Exponent II The Exponent Blog: Real Life Good Samaritans

by Jessica Steed Mesa, Arizona This time, it was about 2006, and I was sitting in an April 11, 2011 Institute class in our stake, with my second baby on my lap, This morning I sat in Relief Society asking our teacher (who was with some friends and enjoyed a lesson also the Stake Relief Society on charity that began with the story of President) about the inequal- the Good Samaritan. As the lesson pro- ity between men and women in gressed to more depth about practicing the Church. It was only months charity, I kept thinking about how often after my internal crisis began we gloss over this compelling parable and I was just starting to speak in Luke 10. When our Sunday School aloud these issues that tore at lesson was also about the Good Samar- my spirit. She responded with itan, I was surprised by the repetition. something to the effect of, “We The teacher went through Luke 10:25- (meaning the women in the 37 verse by verse and talked about how room) have resolved these is- each of us is, metaphorically, the man sues for ourselves and wish you maritan was the one who could actually who fell among thieves and lay on the the best in your journey.” At the time, deal directly with the spiritually dead side of the road, half-dead. I was just grateful that I wasn’t more man on the side of the road. blatantly condemned for asking the un- And that is what has happened to Real-life Good Samaritans see askable, but today as I read about the me. In my years of pain—of wondering Mormons with doubts and pain priest leaving the man half-dead on the what kind of God would create women who are half-dead and don’t side of the road, I realized that the RS who are physically weaker and treated president had been that priest to me. as property for centuries; or what posi- shirk from taking on those She had seen me struggling, and with tive meaning the Eden story can ever problems... a glance, passed by on the other side of hold for women—in these moments, it the road. was the real-life Samaritans that have He explained that half-dead could That may sound harsh, but I think helped comfort me. be a metaphor for spiritually dead. My the analogy holds. The priest in the Many of them are you, reading this mind went back several years ago to a Bible story is doing his church job. He right now. Like me, sometimes you time when my feminist awakening pro- is not required by Jewish law to help feel marginalized, maybe you’ve left duced a crisis of faith in my LDS life. this man and he believes that the man the Church, maybe you’re married to In some ways, I felt like I had been a would probably die anyway. He may a non-believer, or are single, or homo- victim of some kind of spiritual rob- also fear that if he does help him he’ll sexual. Real-life Good Samaritans see bery. It was a dark time when I wrestled be attacked (that’s what happens when Mormons with doubts and pain who with questions of my worth as a hu- you listen to a doubter, after all, you are half-dead and don’t shirk from tak- man being, as a daughter of an absen- start to doubt as well). ing on those problems because they’ve tee Heavenly Mother, as a woman in a As we came to verse 33, when the taken them on themselves. man’s church, in a man’s world. These Samaritan enters the story, we dis- Perhaps it’s problematic that the things shook my LDS faith to the core. cussed the relationship between the lesson spoke to me in a subversive way With these memories in the front of Jews and Samaritans during Christ’s about how the Church and many of its my mind, I imagined myself as a wom- life, something I’m sure I’ve heard a members miss those of us who are half- an who had fallen among thieves as dozen times before. And yet, this time dead on the side of the road. But, per- we continued the lesson. In verse 31, a it brought me to tears. haps the meaning that I was supposed priest walks by but passes on the other Samaritans were the apostates. to get from this lesson is that I am no side. In my mind, the priest represented They were outcasts, they married non- longer just the the woman who fell the Church, which triggered another believers. They were culturally unac- among thieves. memory. ceptable and, yet, in this story, the Sa- I am the Good Samaritan. ■

Vol. 31, No. 4 Page 27 Dandelions and Sunshine

by Janice L. Smith Bluefield, West Virginia rock and pop stars from the teen rags clueless. Staring in amazement, I won- on my walls, while fantasizing about dered what in the world I had done to My childhood was spent in the kissing and marrying Kristy McNichol. myself. Midwest and Northeastern states and There wasn’t much planning for my As the weeks passed, I grew close was a fairly average one. We played life after high school. I took the SAT to my basic training buddy, Parker*. outside, parents divorced, and life went and did okay, but was unsure of what I She was the platoon leader and I the on. wanted to do in life. I joined the Army assistant. We were together 24 hours a Puberty hit me as gently as a brick Reserves with my high school buddy day. I soon thought that I was “falling to the head. My only happiness was and figured I would attend college a in love” with her. I used those words away from home with my friends. year later with a little money. Joining loosely because I was a kid and had Singing and attending big arena con- the Reserves allowed me to move out never felt these feelings inside before. certs was my escape and passion. In of my parents’ house a few days after All I knew is that I wanted to be with high school, I sang in a rock band and high school graduation. her all the time. I tried to change my dreamed of being the next Pat Benatar Our bus pulled into Fort Jackson, military occupational specialty (MOS) or Blondie. SC, in the middle of the night. The so I could stay with her in South Caro- I dated boys and always had a boy- sounds, the smells, and the fear in the lina. The Army would not grant my re- friend. However, there were crushes air that first night are still imprinted quest of change, and I was devastated. I on girls, female teachers, and lots of deeply in my mind. We were sleep de- visited her six weeks later with my first experimental play from a young age. prived, scared, with men and women weekend pass. We partied, attended a I knew I was different in that aspect, running around yelling at the top of Rick James concert, and took lots of but did not attach the word “gay” or their lungs at us. It was madness and snapshots. “lesbian” to myself until the age of 17. chaos. This was also in the days of seg- We returned to our respective Looking back, the signs of my sexual regation of the sexes during basic train- homes and later that winter I took the preference were pretty evident. I kept ing. My friend was sent to another Fort train to the Midwest to visit her. I told up the societal norms and pinned up for training. Here I was, alone, 17, and her that I thought I was gay and that I loved her. Parker said that if I was gay, I should kiss her. My heart stopped. As I was getting up the courage to do so, her friend walked in. I never kissed her. Returning home, I had a lot of things to figure out. First and foremost was my sexuality. I was pretty confi- dent that I was a lesbian. I telephoned Lynn, a friend from high school, that I knew was gay. We drove over to see Purple Rain on the campus theater of the university. After the movie, we sat in the car in the parking lot. “Lynn, I think I’m gay,” I said. “I don’t know who else to talk to about it.” “You’re not gay, Janice,” she said, and slid her hand next to mine so that our fingers barely touched. I sucked in air and could not let it out. My eyes stared ahead. We discussed my hetero- sexuality for a few minutes and then I Dandelion by Brooke Williams, New Haven, Connecticut turned to look at her. We kissed, and Page 28 Exponent II that was the defining moment of all a mission, I had to follow the rules and My commitment to proving my moments. I was a lesbian. wait another year until I was 21. faith must have been apparent to the I continued to see my boyfriend and During the winter before my mis- MTC president, and I was allowed to hang out with friends as usual but I was sion, sister missionaries arrived in our enter the mission field. I worked ex- also secretly dating a woman. Eventu- area. I was thrilled to be able to work tremely hard on my mission and set ally, I couldn’t deal with living a dou- with them and felt an immediate close- high proselyting goals of over 90 hours ble life any more. Guilt was consuming ness to one of them, Sister White. After most weeks. I woke up on time every me and I felt like I was going to hell. a few days, Sister White asked me if I day and followed the rules to the let- I don’t know where the guilt and self- had ever had problems with girls be- ter of the law. I became a trainer in a hatred came from, except that this was fore. I felt a panic inside and asked her foreign-speaking mission after just 6 an era of intolerance. I devised a plan to what she meant by that? She said noth- weeks. The mission president would fix it all. I was going to strike a bargain ing. A few minutes later, I bowed my chastise the elders for not having the with God and make all of this go away! head in shame and told her “yes” and hours that I had. He wanted to make me I was thinking about joining the that I knew what she meant. his AP, he joked, but Salt Lake would Mormons, Moonies, or the Jehovah’s It didn’t take long before our mis- not allow such a thing. I was a walking Witnesses. They were the most funda- sionary splits led to kissing and holding model of missionary perfection and in mentalist religions I could think of. I hands. We tried to justify it as a deep, doing so, was slowly starting to have a looked in the yellow pages and called spiritual love for one another. How- breakdown inside from this goal of per- up LDS missionaries, introduced my- ever, we had both essentially fallen off fection I had set. By the end of my mis- self, and asked if I could join their the wagon. When she was transferred sion, I was hiding in the closet at night church. Needless to say, they were at to another area, we cried for days. It crying, trying to hide burnout and de- my place in about five seconds. After was heart-wrenching for both of us. pression from my companion and keep a three-week cram session of lessons, I entered the MTC later that year. my head on long enough to complete and putting down the cigarettes and Soon after my arrival, I was called into it all. A few times I succumbed to cut- alcohol, I was ready to be a member. the MTC president’s office and told ting on my arms to turn my inward pain When the interview process began, I that Sister White had “confessed ev- outwards. To show my last willingness did not pass. I was asked if I had ho- erything.” What did I have to say? He of obedience and sacrifice to the Lord, mosexual tendencies. I confessed that kept probing for a lot of details. I told I offered to extend my mission two I did. The missionary interviewing me him we had kissed a few times. He put months. The mission president said said that he used to, too. I suppose he me on probation while in the MTC, that I was a legend in the field and he saw that in me. He made an appoint- and I was terrified of being sent home. was proud of me, but that I could re- ment for me to interview with the mis- My renewal of curing myself and bat- turn home now. I was secretly happy sion president. I spoke openly of my tling my inner demons was bumped up because I didn’t think I could last one lesbianism and how joining the Church a notch, and I decided I was going to more day out there. was my plan to escape it. He felt the be absolutely perfect to prove my faith Upon returning home, I moved to sincerity of my wanting to cure myself and commitment. Provo, started at BYU, and eloped to and I was baptized. The mission presi- Sister White had been called in by the temple six months later. Prior to dent told me to marry in the temple and her mission president, too, and was told marrying Kevin, we had a big discus- never discuss these things with my fu- that I had “confessed everything.” It sion about my lesbian past. I told him ture husband. He assured me that the took us 25 years to realize that neither of the counseling I had received from Lord would bless our marriage. one of us had said anything to anyone. the brethren to not tell him, but that I I packed my bags after the bap- Our church leaders had played us both didn’t feel that keeping my past from tism and moved to a small town out on that one. We’ve since concluded him was fair. He said he did not have of state. I needed to start with a clean that one of her companions must have a problem with it, because it was over slate. I went by Sister Smith and buried figured it out and turned us in. Shortly and done with. the other wild-woman self in Pennsyl- after discovering the truth regarding Kevin and I were happy for awhile. vania. I soon decided that I wanted to these confession sessions, Sister White I took on the role of trying to be a per- go on a mission as my ultimate form had her name officially removed from fect little Mormon wife, living in Hap- of sacrifice and atonement and started the records of the Church. Sister White py Valley. But I did not fit in and even- to prepare. I received my endowments was braver than I and accepted her sex- tually depression came back into my in the Washington, DC, temple at the uality a few years after returning home life. I was unhappy going to church. I age of 20. Though I felt ready to serve from her mission in the ‘80s. felt like I did not relate to most of the

Vol. 31, No. 4 Page 29 people there. Kevin and One weekend the I taught the Gospel Doc- following spring, Kevin trine class together, and gave me an ultimatum: the more I dug into the our marriage and an historical aspects of the LDS lifestyle, or an Church, the more I ques- alternative homosexual tioned things. I began to lifestyle. Figure it out, sneak to Sunstone Sym- he said, because he posiums. couldn’t do this any lon- Eventually I started ger. I stayed with a co- to have dreams of women worker for a couple of and became terrified that nights, and when I came “it” was back. Kevin and home Sunday night I I discussed these dreams. told Kevin I couldn’t He said they were nor- figure out the rest of mal, and it was okay as my life in a weekend. long as I didn’t act on I was promptly served them. But my lesbian- with divorce papers, ism was back inside of my Sidewalk Lichen by Brooke Williams and three weeks later, I was mind, and I was angry with divorced and dropped the God! I had kept up my end of the bar- considered electro-convulsive therapy, hyphen off of my name. gain, why hadn’t He? Why was I strug- hoping that shocking my brain would I went on a whirlwind high of un- gling with thoughts of women? I served somehow whip me back into “normal” caged freedom that lasted for approxi- a mission, I married in the temple, I ac- and kick out depression, gayness, and mately two weeks. I answered an ad for cepted my callings, I paid my tithing, all my problems. It would jump-start a roommate and moved in with some I attended the temple, I prayed, fasted, my thought processes, and I could be a guy that I later found out was on house served, etc. I was doing it all! I had no happy and improved self. arrest. I bought some cheap wine cool- more left to give. Within a year, my father telephoned ers, blue jeans and normal clothes, and As I plummeted into a depression, I to say he had been diagnosed with lived it up for a few weeks. Then the started therapy with LDS Social Servic- stage IV metastatic cancer and had less enormity of life changes from the past es. I discussed my lesbian feelings. The than six months to live. I went to his few weeks came crashing down on me. therapist wanted me to masturbate to home in the Midwest to help him, at the Plan B was initiated. Suicide. I Playgirl magazines and other porn ma- request of my stepmother. And a crazy drank lots of water and took several terial with men in them. I couldn’t wrap thing happened. I felt good while I was aspirin the night before the last day my head around that. Masturbation was there. I was away from LDS culture, I of my life. I wanted my blood to be a big no-no. Yet, I could do that—look didn’t attend church, I listened to jazz nice and thin and not coagulate. I had at porn—and attend the temple? This music with my father, catalogued his a magazine full of hollow-tip bullets was way outside of my comfort zone. trumpet collection, read every lesbian and hopped into my car to drive far out Meanwhile, my husband was in trouble book I could find at the library, and felt into the West Desert. I was not doing again with the honor committee for not great inside. No depression. This was this for attention and did not want to be wearing socks on campus! an epiphany in itself. He died in Sep- found or saved. I told God how much I eventually went outside of the tember 1993. Watching my father die I hated Him! He was a liar! As I was LDS Church for therapy and Kevin was changed me. It began the awakening driving out west, crying, crazy, and a not happy with it. He believed it would inside. I could not pretend anymore. I little hysterical, I felt a calm. A perfect ruin our marriage and my activity in could not be the perfectly dressed Sis- peace. I heard a voice inside, “It’s okay. the Church. As I went into therapy, my ter Smith-Jones who always matched You are loved very much and perfect unhappiness intensified. Finally, in the her perfectly dressed husband Kevin in just the way you are. You are not bet- spring of 1992, I couldn’t take it any- perfect little Happy Valley, Utah. ter off dead.” I pulled over, sobbed for more. I couldn’t stop my depression, When I returned to Utah, I learned awhile, and drove back to Salt Lake. I my misery, and couldn’t remember any of the September Six witch hunt. This was now off to enter life as a lesbian. good feelings. I began cutting myself was my final straw regarding church at- My answers did not come overnight once in awhile to feel better. I even tendance. I was finished. regarding religion and spirituality. The

Page 30 Exponent II journey has been a long one. Unfortu- nately, I embraced the black-and-white Calming the Waves thinking of the gospel and it didn’t leave much room for gray. You either served God or Mammon. That thinking Name Withheld is very unhealthy, but I was indoctri- all through her life, but with Jane, there nated with that style of thinking, and it was immediate chemistry. They met at took a lot of undoing. I undid most of When my mom told me she was an elementary school where they both it in the ‘90s and led a fairly happy life. bisexual, we were standing in a Kohl’s worked—my my mom as a computer Yet something was missing, but I didn’t department store looking at blouses. teacher, Jane as the school’s tech sup- have the answer as to what. This was a year and a half ago. In an port go-to person. Their jobs meant I continued to search within Chris- instant, the whole room flooded. A sec- that they were in each other’s company tian churches to find a spiritual path. ond tidal wave: She told me she’d been often. Because they got along so well, I attended Sunstone Symposiums and in a relationship for the past 11 years they were soon spending a lot of their read Sunstone faithfully. None of the with the woman I thought was her best free time together. My mom was espe- other churches felt right. When I finally friend. I had never imagined more. cially drawn to Jane’s sense of humor. realized that there is no capital-T Truth, That meant that while I was serving Jane is incredibly funny and can make I found peace. I was a decade into the my mission, writing home to her about my mom laugh like no one else. The LDS Church and it took well over a de- my struggles to teach a lesbian couple, way my mom tells the story, she was cade to come to total peace with reli- my own mother was just beginning her very surprised to discover she was at- gious guilt. In 2005, I stumbled into the own same-sex romance. tracted to Jane, melting at the sight world of podcasts. Listening to John But how could my mom be bisex- of her throwing a football, and she Dehlin’s personal journey, and hearing ual? She had five children, she’d been shocked herself when she leaned in to the stories of others like me, aided in married three times, and she had re- kiss Jane for the first time. my spiritual healing. I still listen to a cently started coming back to Church. My mom became inactive in the variety of Mormon podcasts and I will How could this be? Church when she divorced my dad 25 probably always be attached to a small I felt awash with confusion but years ago, but her relationship with part of the LDS culture. knew she was still my mom, the same Jane, a deeply committed and genuine- After several years of being single mom who gave me my first porcelain ly spiritual person, led my mom to give and completely content, a doorway doll, hand-painted, stuffed, and sewn. Mormonism another chance. My mom opened that forever altered my life. The She was the mom who sent balloons, even had her temple blessings restored most beautiful, caring, loving,woman daisies, perfume, and a one-pound after all those years, thanks to Jane. in the world walked in. We have built bag of Jelly Bellies to my school for Unlike my mom, Jane had strug- a solid foundation of love, friendship, my 17th birthday. During my mis- gled against same-sex attraction all her and mutual respect. Tammy completes sion, she was the mom who mailed me life. She had a bone-deep testimony of me and we are on our journey of a life- Ziplocked bags of homemade caramel the gospel’s truthfulness, and believed long love affair. We were legally mar- popcorn, and I don’t know how many that if she only tried hard enough, she ried in 2010. We are sunshiny happy care packages. She was the mom who would overcome her gayness. She and blessed with the support of many told me often through my brittle ado- served a mission and spent one whole family and friends. lescence that I was beautiful. Now, I month fasting two meals a day, praying In 2010, at the time of my marriage, knew I wanted to listen. for God to heal her. At the end of the I had my name removed from official My mom and I quickly left the de- month, she woke up, ready to begin an- LDS records. It was a symbolic act of partment store and headed for Cold other fast, when she felt the Spirit say ownership. The brethren do not get any Stone. A discussion of this magnitude to her, “Stop!” So she did. But she was say in this. I never wanted an excom- would require chocolate ice cream. not healed. munication to come down the pipeline. We didn’t want to be overheard, so we Jane came home and continued the I own the chapter in this book of happi- sat in the parked car with our German fight for another two decades. She tried ness. ■ Chocolate Cake sugar cones. In the counseling and feats of personal righ- *Editor’s Note: Names have been purple bruise of early evening, I heard teousness, but when those failed, she changed to protect identities. my mom’s story. became depressed. Lonely and celibate, My mom had close girlfriends she told her bishop she felt like she growing up and very close best friends could only survive if she were heavily Vol. 31, No. 4 Page 31 medicated, sleep-walking through life did that leave my testimony? The ques- and help others love people like my until she died, and she had a hard time tion I asked my husband in the car was, mom and Jane. believing God wanted her—or any- “Can I be pro-gay and still be a faithful When my mom told me about their one—to live like that. Mormon?” relationship, she begged me to read two Things became more complicated A year and a half later, I still don’t books by Carol Lynn Pearson: Good- after Jane met my mom. Jane wanted have a satisfying answer to that ques- bye, I Love You and No More Good- both the Church and my mom in her tion. I am pro-gay—irrevocably, unde- byes: Circling the Wagons Around Our life, loved both, felt like she couldn’t niably—and I still attend Church every Gay Loved Ones. I’m so glad I took survive without both. Tortured with week with my family. However, I have her advice and read them. In the latter, guilt, she began thinking of suicide. a whole new set of doubts and ques- Sister Pearson reflects on the serendip- Jane’s plan was to slit her throat on her tions that have flooded my faith since ity of challenging situations and asks, mattress and let her body be chucked my mom chose to be open with me. De- “What if we are each in the correct into the dump along with her bed. That spite the turmoil I’ve felt, I would not classroom being assigned the correct way, she thought, she would end the erase the knowledge I have now. homework, and what if the answer to suffering and meet the punishment she Last summer, I visited their condo. On the question on every test is to love a felt sure awaited her. the wall above the couch where Jane little more?” (107). Though my faith is Mercifully, Jane didn’t hurt her- sat was a painting of Christ calming now perhaps more unorthodox, I also self. Very gradually, she felt guided the storm. Those warped waves were feel that it is more flexible, whole, and by the Spirit to accept herself, accept my faith; I ached for settled seas. That loving. I had been counting on my obe- the relationship she had developed night I opened my heart to God and dience to the “rules” to earn me a place with my mom. It took several years of asked for an answer. The calm was al- in heaven. Now I try to follow my con- slow growth, wading through sorrow most instant, a peace that pressed my science more, the Christ light in me. and self-doubt. Finally, she arrived at whole body like a heavy quilt. The Thinking back over the decade I peace, and even better—joy. deep impression I received was to love lived in the dark, I feel wracked by a deep sorrow that my mom couldn’t I wasn’t sure I wanted to tell my confide in me years ago. I know husband about my mom and Jane, what it feels like to need to repent, even though they had given me to experience heart change. I look permission. I didn’t know how he at my old self and see a judgmental, would take the news. He got along skinny mind. My own dear mother, better with my mom than almost who gave me life, who has loved me anyone else in my family; I didn’t unconditionally, was afraid to tell want to possibly freeze that warmth. me about her new source of love— On the car ride home, however, I afraid that I would stop loving. I couldn’t hold back. My husband re- thank God I did not. ceived the news very calmly. With I look forward to a future filled with our girls sleeping in their car seats, love. I know there will be difficul- I sobbed for two hours, not because ties and misunderstandings, but I I was sorry about my mom and her will trust love to help me weather partner, but because I didn’t know the waves. I relish the fact that my how to reconcile their relationship daughters will have another strong with my faith. I felt like the old female role-model in their lives— advice I’d received for so long, to a caring, thoughtful, hilarious, and love the sinner and hate the sin, just profoundly spiritual bonus-grand- wouldn’t work. I loved my mom. ma. I look forward to summer va- I loved Jane. With my siblings all cations filled with picnics at their grown up and living away, I loved nearby splash park, hours of side- that my mom was no longer alone. walk chalking on their back patio, I loved that they could take care and, of course, sugar cones of Ger- of and love each other. I loved that man Chocolate Cake ice cream, but, Jane helped my mom rekindle her instead of eating them in a parked faith. I loved that my mom helped Woman Running, by Ashley Mae car, we will savor them in the sun. ■ infuse Jane’s life with joy. But where Christensen, Palo Alto, California Page 32 Exponent II Sabbath Pastorals Paul’s epistles (often called pastorals) strengthened early Saints and uplift followers today. Sabbath Pastorals highlights women preaching and teaching from pulpits in wards around the world. This talk was delivered extemporaneously at the Holladay United Church of Christ on October 30, 2011. The original (and extended) podcast is available on iTunes. The Trifecta

by Mona Stevens Salt Lake City, Utah

It has been a very interesting morn- ing for me. I’ve had a very difficult time choking back the tears, because this is a very significant moment in my life: I am standing in front of a congre- gation of all kinds of people, and I am a Vice Moderator in the Holladay United Church of Christ. I have a responsibili- ty in a church! That fact plays a big part in the history of my life, and I want to share my message, my story with you as briefly as I can. I grew up in Provo—I could stop Exponent II Staff Photo right there and you could all go “Oh, heavens!”—but I grew up in Provo, and my question was, “Why? What’s so to this understanding through “bad de- I grew up in a family that had the most wrong about me that I couldn’t become cisions” I made. It wasn’t the result of magnificent people and in particular a somebody that was a leader in faith?” having a family that did not love me. mother that was just incredible and full And she really couldn’t answer that I didn’t even know of an LGBT com- of love. I knew that she loved me. She question. So then I took it down a notch munity in Provo forty years ago—I’d embraced everything about me. She and said, “Okay, well then I want to never heard of such a thing! I just taught me to love the birds. She taught be a seminary teacher.” In those days, thought I was the only one in the world me so much about life and in particular women couldn’t teach seminary, either. who felt this way, and I could not figure to love. And that was one of the great- And again, I asked, “Why? What’s so out why I was like this. All I knew was est gifts that I ever received as a child. wrong with me that I can’t have a lead- that I could not share this realization I grew up in the Mormon Church, and ership position like that?” She said, about myself with anyone—including I loved the Mormon Church. I loved “You could be Relief Society presi- my dear mother—because I could not everything about it. I loved Primary. I dent.” Now those of you who know me disappoint her. loved going to church. I loved being (ha ha) understand that I’m constantly And I certainly could not share it a part of everything and everybody. calling friends to ask, “How do I make with the people of my Church, because Everybody in my neighborhood was soup?” It just wouldn’t be a good fit. if I did I would not only be asked to Mormon. I had a blast. I loved it. I So as I grew, I knew that I was go- not take the sacrament, but I could not particularly loved the sports and camp ing to have to accept a few things I offer an opinion. I could not raise my and things that kept us associating with didn’t understand. The biggest question hand in discussions. I could not be a each other. I loved it. for me came when I turned seventeen contributing part of that membership. I At about ten years old, I said to my (mind you, this is close to forty years knew that. Yet I did not want to lose the mother, “I want to be in the First Presi- ago—but not quite!—in Provo), and I opportunity to get to heaven. dency.” Of course I did! When she told understood that I was gay. I think I’m a So I tried, and I tried, and I tried for me that girls can’t hold those positions, good case study because I didn’t come twenty-three years. I tried to pull it all Vol. 31, No. 4 Page 33 together. I tried not to be It was interesting, be- gay. cause when I got my fami- That usually played ly around me I felt so much out by being very involved better. But something was in the Church. And then still off. I realized that I somebody would come can have my family accept along who was just so beau- me all my life, but until I tiful and wonderful that I accept myself, there’s a would fall in love. How do big piece missing. I had you walk away from some- to work on that one little body who you fall in love piece, and one way I had with? You don’t. In the first resolved to do that was two years, when that love by talking to someone in is growing and is beauti- the leadership of the LDS ful, it’s easy—well, it’s not Church that I loved. easy—but you stay with it. Exponent II Staff Photo So I went to the big After two years, when the relationship building out there [the LDS Church cools, and the guilt and the angst of not from fully being everything that I am. headquarters] and talked to one of the being able to be with your family in the So I thought to myself, “If I can get big guys up there that I knew. When celestial kingdom gets to you, you do my mom to support me, I will be fine.” we got done with that conversation, I things like leave people. You have rela- My poor mother was on a mission in walked out and I understood truly that tionships that are not healthy. I did that Denver with my dad. And I couldn’t they have no idea what to do with this. I for so many years. I’m a slow learner— say what I needed to over the phone. understood that I am the captain of my it took me twenty-three years. So I wrote her a letter (I sent it FedEx ship and that I actually understand and A real turning point for me came because I knew I couldn’t share it with can embrace so much more about this when I was living in Massachusetts. I my dad), and the letter said to her, in topic than most clergy. It’s my life. It’s remember coming home from church essence, “I can no longer live my life my journey. And I understood fully the one Sunday and falling down on my without you. I cannot go through the value of that versus somebody from the knees and sobbing. Crying at the side joys and the sorrows of my life without outside telling me who I should be. Fi- of my bed, I remember praying to God my best friend. I cannot. And I don’t nally, for the first time, I really started that all I wanted was what I considered know how you feel about this; I know to question what I thought. the trifecta—to be able to coexist in love it’s going to be difficult, but Mom, I In the midst of that process, some- and harmony with my family, my part- love you.” In six pages I said all that. body said to me, “There’s this church ner, and my community of faith. Why Then I got a call from my mom. in Holladay—you should go check could I not have those things? That’s all My mom said to me, “I can’t under- it out.” So I came and I sat in those I wanted—to have those things so that stand this, but I love you more than back pews, scared to death to talk to I could sit in a community and hold my anything.” And it became a journey, anybody because I didn’t know a soul. partner’s hand, so that I could have my not for just me, but for my mom, and And it was a pretty good bunch. I could family fully embrace the person that I then my sisters (who, when I told them, tell they all liked each other. It was a loved, and for us to be able to share a said, “Duh”), my oldest brother who little intimidating. But I started to look community of people where we could just said, “So, let’s go golfing,” and around, and I thought to myself, “Oh be on the same path together in some- then my other brother, who I was most wait. This must be at least friendly be- thing that feels so wonderful. That’s all concerned about telling because he is cause I see some gay people in here.” I wanted. I cried harder because I knew a very, very devout Mormon. When I I started to feel like there were in that moment that the way it had been told him (he was the last one I told), he some really cool people here—people designed and laid out for me my whole sat across the room and stared at me as who would be easy to hang out with. life was not possible. Something had to I sobbed. Then, he asked me with hurt So I decided to stretch myself a little bit give. and surprise in his voice, “Did you and do some things to get involved. I After some internal work, I decided think I wouldn’t love you anymore?” I started by going to a class on women’s I needed to take the bull by the horns. replied, “It had crossed my mind, but spirituality. We were reading from the I could no longer live a life that felt so I could not live without honesty any- book Amazing Grace, and I was listen- demeaning, so secretive, and kept me more.” ing to these white-haired women talk.

Page 34 Exponent II All of a sudden I started to realize they were talking about gay people. Now, I Flannel Board didn’t know this was an open, affirm- ing congregation; I just knew there were nice people there. Billie Skinner, Loving, Valuing, Nurturing and Empowering LGBTQ a spirited woman who was one of the Youth in the LDS Church centerpieces of this community, start- ed talking about gay people and was Falencia Jean-François speaking positively. As I heard her kind Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania words, I started to cry. Billie looked Aimee Evans Hickman about how they fit into the plan of sal- at me and slid right over next to me. Baltimore, Maryland vation or the gender roles expressed She said, “Hon, are you okay?” I said in The Family: A Proclamation to the “Yeah.” Then I told them, “I am gay, World. With this in mind, what can we and you have no idea what a blessing What if we, as teachers and leaders do to help our LGBTQ youth feel em- you all are to me.” And Billie started to in the Church, approached every les- powered by God’s love, valued in the cry. She put her hand on my knee and son and talk as though someone in our Church, and unafraid of who they are? she said, “Oh no, darlin’, it’s you that’s midst was struggling to understand, I have teamed up with Falencia Jean- the blessing to us.” identify, or accept their sexuality? François, one of my beloved former In that moment, I realized I had Would our tone change? Current doc- Young Women from the Cambridge found a community of people that trinal interpretations by Church lead- 1st Ward in Boston, Massachusetts, to would not merely tolerate me, but ers have made it difficult (if not impos- think through how we can create a safer would respect and love me, people who sible) for LGBTQ Church members and more inclusive environment for the would not want to know what’s in my to feel like there’s a place for them in LGBTQ youth in our Church. [Falen- heart just because I’m different, but be- our LDS congregations. Still, some re- cia’s comments are in italics] cause maybe there’s a little bit of char- main, and many more are currently be- acter in there, because maybe I might ing raised in the Church. As Mormons have something to offer. Every time I who feel committed to promoting a What can we do to help our would walk in Billie greeted me and greater understanding of, and equality LGBTQ youth feel empowered made sure that I felt welcome. Every for, the LGBTQ members of our faith, by God’s love, valued in the time somebody stood up and shook my we must think creatively about how we Church, and unafraid of who can foster an environment which is not hand, or hugged me, or embraced me they are? in any way, I knew that this was a place only safe, but where our LGBTQ sis- that I could be fully me, respected and ters and brothers can become an inte- loved for what I gave from my heart gral part of our religious community. Reveal Yourself and not from anything else. The youth in LDS culture are par- I first met Falencia while serving in The gift that I had asked for—my ticularly in need of our care. Most of the Young Women’s program, and we family, my God, my community of the adolescents in our congregations became fast friends. Falencia was intel- faith—is here. It’s here today. It’s in my have little choice about their Church at- lectually curious, a voice for social jus- heart. I’m in a place where I can fully be tendance—their families require them tice, and was gracious and generous in who I am. What effect has this had on to come. While they struggle to iden- a way few 15- year-olds are. She never my life? I have a place to sing. I have a tify or accept LGBTQ aspects of their left our home without asking to borrow band that came from this church! And it lives, adolescents can be particularly a book that we would discuss the next should not go unnoticed that I am Vice vulnerable to depression and suicidal time we had dinner. I felt we shared Moderator, because all I ever wanted thoughts because they often feel differ- a world view that was so obvious it was to hold the priesthood! (Applause) ent and isolated. These are exactly the didn’t even have to be articulated. Yet I love this community, and I love the people our Christian teachings should in all our dinner conversations, Sunday fact that I have fully experienced God’s stir us to protect, yet in our current lessons, and carpooling back and forth extravagant love from you—that full church culture, they can be harmed by to church activities, an important facet acceptance, from you. And it has made traditional teachings which fail to ac- of her life had never come up, nor did I all the difference. ■ commodate life paths that deviate from suspect it. It wasn’t until last year when pre-established norms. At worst, they we reconnected via Facebook that I hear that they are sinners or deviants. learned that she had recently married At best, they hear nothing—nothing her wife, Sandra. Vol. 31, No. 4 Page 35 This discovery sent truth. This led to my sec- my thoughts reeling—how ond solution, which was had this young woman I to live a double life. When considered a true friend I was at school, I was the not been able to share this person I wanted to be, the part of her life with me? one who attended Gay/ I can look back and con- Straight Alliance meetings fidently say that if I had regularly and supported known she was struggling equal marriage and oc- to come to terms with her casionally flirted with her sexuality, I would have female best friend; when been her most ardent sup- I was at church, I was the porter. Though my stance person I felt I would even- on supporting equal rights tually have to become, the for the LGBTQ commu- one who agreed with many nity was undoubtedly ob- of her fellow churchgoers vious to the adults in my in the condemnation of congregation, clearly I had homosexuality. This self- Feed My Sheep by Jenica McKenzie, Salt Lake City, Utah not done enough to make imposed dualism drove me it known to the youth in crazy. I grew depressed, my stewardship. I felt sick as I consid- person had stepped forward as an ally, anxious, and filled with self-loathing. ered things I might have said or done it would have made all the difference in while acting as her Young Women’s the world. Share messages which tap into the in- leader that may have unintention- finitude of God’s love ally caused her to feel misunderstood, Hear your lesson through the ears of There were hymns that I found to be alone, or judged. What did I fail to do an LGBTQ youth before you teach really beautiful and inspirational, but that would have helped her know of my The first instruction I received they were always about nature and the unconditional support and acceptance? [from the Church] regarding homosex- wonder of the world that God created. Falencia’s following remarks haunt me uality came at age 13, when my Young “How Great Thou Art” is my favorite but serve as a powerful reminder of Women’s leader incorporated the topic hymn of all time. how an inward conviction to support of same-sex adoption into her lesson. Our scriptures and hymns are rich LGBTQ causes may not be enough to I assumed she would teach that gay in words of comfort and love. The illicit the trust of struggling and vulner- couples were doing good by provid- hymn “Where Can I Turn for Peace,” able youth. ing homes for orphaned children, for written by Emma Lou Thayne, is a plea I understand, now, that a lot of the these were my own beliefs. She taught, for comfort for the hurting heart, and hardship I faced stemmed from my instead, that the couples were harming one that shows the infinite mercy of a feelings of isolation. I am sure that if the children by subjecting them to a ho- loving Jesus. Developing a relation- I had just talked to someone, I could mosexual lifestyle. To any other Young ship with God which is not produced have spared myself a lot of pain. Un- Woman who had shared my view, the solely from certainty and joy, but also fortunately, I didn’t know whom I could lesson might have meant a change in from struggle and grief, can liberate us trust. I don’t regret the way things belief, but by 13, I had already ac- to include Deity in our suffering and worked out for me, but not everyone knowledged that I felt an attraction questioning, rather than flee that rela- who suffers the way I did makes it to a to girls. Where did this teaching leave tionship out of fear. better place. So, my advice to any youth me? There are also things we can do to help create a safe environment even leaders, teachers, and other members Encourage youth (and adults) to stop who want to create a safe environment when we’re not leading the discussion. wearing a mask to church Perhaps the best answer we can give for LGBTQ youth is this: We need to My first instinct was to suppress and know who you are before we can tell to any class member who may be tak- ignore my same-sex attractions. I soon ing the lesson in a direction that would you who we are. My ward was filled realized, however, that while I could with so many people whom I respected threaten an inclusive environment deny that I was anything other than would be to share this notion of God’s and admired, but no one with whom I straight, I could not convince my heart felt safe enough to confide in. If just one love from the Book of Mormon; when to accept what I was being taught as an angel asked Nephi a question about Page 36 Exponent II God, Nephi answered, “I know that he on matters as weighty as plural mar- cia and Sandra were able to find each loveth his children; nevertheless, I do riage and who holds the priesthood. other (at BYU no less!) and had the not know the meaning of all things” (1 Such evolutions are at the heart of the courage to create a loving family to- Nephi 11:17). LDS faith. Joseph Smith taught, “I say gether. But I hurt when I think about to all those who are disposed to set up how that love was discovered and nur- Do not encourage “solutions” which stakes for the Almighty, You will come tured not through the teachings of the are both biologically implausible and short of the glory of God.” Taylor Pe- Church, but in spite of them. I once spiritually destructive trey’s recent essay in the Winter 2011 heard someone say that “Being a true By the time I was ready to go to issue of Dialogue entitled “Toward a Christian means always being prepared BYU, I felt relieved at the prospect of Post-Heterosexual Mormon Theology” to welcome strangers.” I pray that as a getting to live a simple life, even if it sheds further light on the varied oppor- Church, we will stop being strangers to wasn’t the life I wanted. I went to class, tunities our history and theology offer each other and seek to support and cel- went to church, made new friends, met to re-imagine eternal human relation- ebrate love in all of its wonderful and a boy, and got engaged. Then, I be- ships and is a thoughtful resource for soul-enriching capacities. came friends with Sandra. Unlike me, reframing the place of LGBTQ mem- Barring gender-related details, my she refused to be told what to believe. bers of the Church. life with Sandra is no different from the I thought God had sent her to me be- Emphasizing the fundamental Mor- life I had envisioned for myself when cause He had wanted me to lead her mon belief that divine revelation is I was getting ready to go to college. I back into the fold, but she ended up continuing and that every child of God went to BYU hoping to find someone teaching me that there was no living in is capable of receiving personal revela- with whom I could spend my life and a life that forced me to choose between tion about his or her own life may lay a that’s exactly what I got. Sandra is being “righteous” and being happy. foundation for a relationship with Deity working hard to support us while I go Somewhere along that journey, we both that can help to withstand the blows of to school and I’m working hard to earn realized that neither of us wanted to an often judgmental and bigoted world. my degrees so that I can return the fa- live without the other and before we I feel like every day that I get to be vor. We talk about everything from re- knew it, we were exchanging rings at in this relationship with Sandra is an ligion to politics to our favorite baby Somerville City Hall. affirmation of God’s acceptance of our names; we watch television together, One of the most damaging mes- union. To be with someone who exceeds play video games together, have read- sages we can send to people who iden- all my expectations of what love should ing time together; we plan for our fu- tify themselves as LGBTQ is that they be is by far the greatest blessing I have ture, discuss what values we want to can change or control their psychology ever received. Beyond that, I also rec- instill in our children. Our life isn’t and biology to fit into a heteronorma- ognize that our success in life has come perfect—it’s normal, and we wouldn’t tive ideal. In ways both implicit and more easily than one would expect for have it any other way. (Well, actually it explicit, these messages convey that two young women who moved from is perfect, but I don’t like to brag.) ■ if you exemplify “righteous behav- one side of the country to the ior” you will no longer be “tempted” other with very little money by LGBTQ feelings. As teachers and and no job prospects. Every youth leaders, we must avoid suggest- month that we’re able to pay ing ways that people can “overcome” our rent and our bills, every these feelings since such teachings are night that we’re able to put not only scientifically unsupported, but food on our table, every se- also risk isolating us from each other mester that I’m able to go to and harming those seeking love. school is a gift. We have to Teach of the power of continual and work hard for them, but when personal divine revelation all of the pieces fall togeth- One powerful aspect of Mormon- er, it’s like God is telling us ism is the theological imaginative- He believes in us. I feel like ness introduced at its very inception. my relationship with God is We don’t believe the scriptural canon stronger now than it has ever is sealed—God hasn’t spoken, God been. is speaking. The Church has changed Celebrate love drastically in its short 182-year history I’m so grateful that Falen- Sandra and Falencia Vol. 31, No. 4 Page 37 The Authority of Love

by Carol Lynn Pearson Walnut Creek, California will always be uncomfortable with the Mountain Meadows Massacre. We will You know the anguish caused I have a dear friend who more than always be uncomfortable with our his- by fear and misunderstanding once has chastised me for having aban- tory with racism. And I believe we will and sometimes by arrogance. doned women’s issues and given my be uncomfortable that at a time when And you know the remedy. It is energy to gay issues. I don’t quite see our church could have taken a lead- it that way because “women’s issues” ership role on issues we conveniently for each of us to do whatever and “gay issues” are related—both called ‘women’s issues’—such as in- we feel called to do for our gay challenge the ills of historical “patri- viting our Mother back into the God- brothers and sisters. archy.” Nevertheless, my most recent head where She belongs—instead we public work has been on behalf of my actively worked against it. But I believe gay brothers and sisters. our greatest shame will be reserved tent of the anguish and recognizing the Perhaps the best explanation I can for how we treated our gay brothers power we have to address it, we can do give for my position is by sharing the and sisters. Hundreds, and I do mean important good in the world. I honor comments I made to a General Author- hundreds, of our best and most beauti- my sisters at Exponent II for using your ity in 2008. In advance of the letter the ful gay people—mostly men, but some position and voice to do the same. Church was planning to read in all sac- women—have taken their lives because A number of months ago I received rament meetings in California, I placed we have made them feel so worthless a Facebook message from a woman phone calls to Church headquarters to and hopeless. And when we get a clear in Utah telling me that a woman to “register my grief.” The contents of historical bead on that, our shame will whom she’s a visiting teacher had felt that letter began the fierce and victor- be enormous. prompted to “kick her gay daughter to less battle that was “Proposition 8.” the curb because of a talk she had heard So that is why my energy has gone The elder who returned my phone in General Conference. . . . The girl is in the direction that it has. It is a huge call was attentive and kind as I said, now in the hospital with her stomach privilege to have a position and a voice pumped and her arms and legs tethered You understand how history moves. through which I can make a difference. to the bed.” I wrote back and asked Not long ago I was in a movie theater I believe that by acknowledging the ex- if this visiting teacher would take a watching Amazing Grace, that won- derful story of the ending of the slave trade in Great Britain. I thought, how could they not see? You don’t take people from their homeland, let half of them die on the boat, then use the oth- ers as slaves for the rest of their lives. But that’s where human consciousness was at that time. They did not see. And how dare we believe that we are now at the end point of human conscious- ness? We’re just at another place along the path. When we Mormons get a good perspective on our history, we will have a long list of things we are deeply proud of, and I can make that list as well as any one alive. We will also have a list of things we are not proud of. We will always be uncomfort- able with the concept of polygamy. We With the Saints by Daniel Embree, Newton, Massachusetts Page 38 Exponent II book to the girl if I sent it. She said yes, and I sent a copy of No More Goodbyes: Circling the Wagons around Our Gay Loved Ones with an inscription to the girl telling her that her job in this world is to show her family, the Church, and the world, how brightly a gay woman can shine. A couple of weeks ago I received this: Hi Carol Lynn, [my mom’s visiting teacher] gave me a signed copy of your book No More Goodbyes, and it saved my life! I attempted sui- cide and planned to try Community by Daniel Embree again when I left the hospital, but she gave me your book, ries of family members and how they ing our gay brothers and sisters to the and it changed everything! Thank you! had been treated. It was well received; combined Relief Societies and Priest- You are an angel of god, truly! It’s as if I had a line of people waiting after the hoods of each ward in the stake. These you shone a light and held out a hand lesson to hug me and give me their sup- were very powerful and deeply moving for my soul to find the path again, as port, thanking me for the confirmation presentations. As a part of each event, if you breathed air into my lungs, that love is the only way to handle the a member of the ward who was per- shocked my heart back to life, injected situation. I got a note from the stake sonally involved with the issue gave a hope in my veins. I still struggle with Young Women’s president who was five-minute talk. In the Moraga Ward, my homosexuality with my family, but there; she thanked me for boldly shar- my friend Diane Oviatt gave a stunning me and god are ok with each other:)...I ing and asked if I would be open to talk- talk about her experiences with her cannot say thank you enough, I wish I ing to others that were in the same situ- teenage son who finally, and in tears, could give you a big hug. I L<3VE you! ation. She said as a stake they have had came out to his parents: questions brought to them and didn’t Her gratitude sounds excessive, but to know how to handle it. This gave her I assured him of our love and under- one who has lived with condemnation, something to think about. I thank you standing, our unwavering support and a word of validation and encourage- so much for helping guide me through loyalty, but when in absolute despair he ment can mean the world. That is the this. I don’t know why the Lord makes said, ‘What’s the point of going on? I power that we hold. And the invitation. people gay, but I do know that it can can’t ever marry in the temple and have Not long ago I received an email cause a real increase of love in all of a family. How do I get to the celestial from a woman who is both the moth- us if we let it. kingdom? What happens to ME?’ I had er of a gay child and a Relief Society no answers. I still don’t. I could not ad- president. She told me of her plans to In my own stake, we have done some vise him to keep coming to church, to give a lesson on the topic of loving our remarkable work on this subject. In the hope for peace in the next life. There gay children. Not long ago she sent me aftermath of Proposition 8, my stake are graveyards full of young Latter- this report: presidency, realizing that there was day Saints who have tried. I CHOOSE much to be done to repair damage and LIFE FOR MY CHILD. I would rather I wanted you to know how my Relief to clarify what our attitudes should be, have him alive, living an authentic life, Society lesson went. It was a real emo- began a significant work. It started with true to who he is, than to live a stalwart tional lesson for me, feelings were very the three of them giving a presenta- steadfast lie that backs him into a sui- tender. Many people shared their sto- tion on better understanding and lov- cidal corner.

Vol. 31, No. 4 Page 39 I had strong suspicions that sexu- al preference is not a choice for most Announcements people. If I had any lingering doubts, they were completely erased as I held my sobbing teenager that night in the Call for Submissions kitchen, as he chanted over and over ‘I just want to be normal, go on a mis- Editor Emily Clyde Curtis was sion, get married, like everyone else.’ baby-sitting her three-year-old niece, And all I could think of was, ‘what Cora, who decided to give a Church kid would choose ridicule over accep- lesson. tance, would choose mockery over ad- “Today,” she announced, “we’re go- miration, would choose to be a pariah ing to have a story about Jesus, and the in his own religious community? closing song will be ‘Teenage Dream.’” When our staff realized that the Days later, Diane tearfully told me how Summer 2012 submission deadline was the congregation responded. She said, nearing, we knew what we wanted for “I received such gratitude for being so submissions. We want stories like Co- honest. And the men were lining up to ra’s special Sunday School. We want to hug my husband and to tell him how keep things light. We’ll be filling our they loved him and loved our son.” Sister Okazaki Tributes usual features like Global Zion, Sab- That was only the beginning of the In commemoration of one of the bath Pastorals and Poetry. But, do you efforts in our stake, efforts that con- Mormon world’s most charismatic have a funny story to tell? A refreshing tinue to this day and that have been and engaging authors, speakers and fruity drink to share? Send them in! profoundly healing. The work in the activists, Exponent II will be devoting Stories like the one about Cora will Oakland Stake was given a front-page a segment of our next issue to sister be incorporated into a one-time feature article in The Salt Lake Tribune, and Chieko Okazaki. If you have a story, (help us think of a title? “Funny Femi- my stake president continues to receive or a moment that your life was touched nists” is the best we’ve come up with inquiries from other stake leaders about by Sister Okazaki’s teachings or ser- so far). Sometimes, it’s hard to write a how they might begin similar work. vice, please send your submission to big 1000-word personal essay, so ease You know the anguish caused by [email protected] by April 30th, in and send us something between 100- fear and misunderstanding and some- 2012. ■ 250 words (or shorter) by May 1. ■ times by arrogance. And you know the remedy. It is for each of us to do Like getting a long letter YEAR SUBSCRIPTION whatever we feel called to do for our 2 FOR ONLY gay brothers and sisters. Like the visit- from an old friend.” $50 ing teacher who gave my book to the suicidal young woman—like the Relief Society president who gave a lesson to her sisters—like the mother who brave- YES! Please start my subscription to ly spoke to the congregation and said Exponent II today. she refused to have her son backed into 4 issues / year for $28 a “suicidal corner”—every woman and 8 Issues / 2 year for $50 man reading these words has a calling • Individual issues available for $8 each to be part of the healing. We must wait (International subscriptions also available) for no one to receive a revelation giv- NAME: ORDER ONLINE by visiting exponentii.org ing us permission. We have the knowl- ADDRESS: ORDER BY MAIL by sending personal check to edge. We have the power. And we have Exponent II & your mailing information to: CITY: ST: ZIP: the authority of love. Exponent II c/o Emily Curtis ■ PHONE: 3409 North 43rd Place To learn more about Carol Lynn Pear- EMAIL: Phoenix, Arizona 85018 son’s work or view copies of all the PAYMENT ENCLOSED BILL ME LATER QuESTIONS? Email: [email protected] documents mentioned in this article, DESIGN BY NICKOLAISENMEDIA.COM see her website at www.clpearson.com Exponet II_Postcard_new.indd 2 3/20/12 12:23:34 PM Page 40 Exponent II