Fall 2010 Contents EDITORIAL STAFF Letter from Our Editors

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Exponent II

Vol. 30, No. 2 Fall 2010 Contents EDITORIAL STAFF Letter from our Editors...... 3 Exponent Generations Co-Editors-in-Chief Trails from our Foremothers...... 21 Aimee Evans Hickman Sabbath Pastorals Emmeline B. Wells Emily Clyde Curtis Like Eve, All Women Make Choices...4 Lorie Winder Design Editor Sarah Hogan Meghan Raynes Margaret Olsen Hemming

In Direct Proportion...... 7 My Search for the Divine Feminine.....25 Copy Editor Laura McCune-Poplin Ryan Thomas Kathleen Gaisford Poetry Editor My Faith’s Journey...... 10 A Path Once Chosen...... 29 Judy Curtis

Suzette Smith Catherine Wheelwright Ockey Exponent Generations Editor Deborah Kris Sisters Speak Flannel Board Teaching about Heavenly Mother.....13 Hymn of Welcome...... 32 Goodness Gracious Editor Susan Howe Linda Hoffman Kimball Poetry...... 16 and Linda Hoffman Kimball My Story by Kathy Weinzinger Sisters Speak Editor Caroline Kline Jershon by Cari Hewlet Movie Review Stay at Home Chemist Thought-Provoking Film Misses Sabbath Pastorals Editor by Dayna Patterson Mormon Efforts at Dialogue...... 33 Margaret Olsen Hemming Julia D. Hunter Goodness Gracious Awakenings Editor Jessica Steed Moving Miracles...... 18 Book Review Linda Hoffman Kimball A Call to Care...... 35 Book Review Editor Laura McCune-Poplin Bee Farm...... 19 Sariah Anne Kell Karen Rosenbaum Staff: Marci Anderson, D’Arcy Benincosa, Global Zion...... 36 Kristy Benton, Sylvia Cabus, Susan Chris- tiansen, Sariah Kell, Kendahl Millecam, Special thanks to Cassandra Barney, D’Arcy Benincosa, Kimberly Brock, Meghan Raynes, Jana Remy, Suzette Angela Clayton, Galen Dara, Sharron Evans, Sharon Furner, Smith, Heather Sundahl, Brooke Williams Aimee Evans Hickman, Evan Tye Peterson, and Sandra Rembrandt for the use of their artwork in this issue. EXECUTIVE BOARD President Submissions to Exponent II Barbara Streeper Taylor We welcome personal essays, articles, poetry, fiction, and book reviews for consider- ation. Please email submissions to [email protected] or mail them to Expo- Historian nent II, 2035 Park Avenue, Baltimore, MD 21217. Please include your name and contact Cheryl DiVito information. Submissions received by mail will not be returned. We are always looking for artwork and photography to accompany our writing. Members: Linda Andrews, Andrea Alex- Please send jpegs or gifs of art submissions to our email. If you are interested in illus- ander, Emily Clyde Curtis, Nancy Dredge, trating articles, please contact us for specific assignments. Judy Dushku, Karen Haglund, Evelyn Harvill, Sue Hawes, Margaret Olsen Hem- The purpose of Exponent II is to promote sisterhood by providing a forum ming, Aimee Evans Hickman, Linda Hoff- for Mormon women to share their life experiences in an atmosphere of trust man Kimball, Caroline Kline, Jana Remy, and acceptance. Our common bond is our connection to the Mormon Church Heather Sundahl, Barbara Streeper Taylor, and our commitment to women in the Church. The courage and spirit of Laurel Thatcher Ulrich women challenge and inspire us to examine and shape the direction of our lives. We are confident that this open forum will result in positive change. We publish this paper in celebration of the strength and diversity of women.

Exponent II (ISSN 1094-7760) is published quarterly by Exponent II Incorporated, a non-profit corporation with no official connection with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Articles published represent the opinions of authors only and not necessarily those of the editor or staff. Letters to Exponent II or its editors and Sisters Speak articles are assumed intended for publication in whole or in part and may therefore be used for such purposes. Cover Art by Sharron Evans Cover Design by Aimee Evans Hickman Copyright © 2010 by Exponent II, Inc. All rights reserved. and Margaret Olsen Hemming Letter from the Editors

Remembering our Foremothers

For the past two years, I’ve made a daily drive past a house that I desperately want to buy. It’s a 1940s original adobe ranch style home. Because of the adobe walls and the solid construction, the house is 15 degrees cooler than it is outside, even without any air conditioning. As anyone who has lived through an Arizona summer can attest, such insulation doesn’t exist in most of the buildings around here. This old house also has big original windows that look out onto the half-acre backyard, beautiful doorway arches, and mons’ early days of settlement. Sarah Hogan’s sacra- built-in bookcases in every room. Every day I wonder ment talk, “Like Eve, All Women Have Choices,” why no one has snatched up this gem. uses the experiences of Eve, Emmeline B. Wells and I look at it with longing, realizing that as we live Ellis Shipp to illustrate how we, as women, can use in one of the bottom three states for home sales, it’s their examples to better understand and make our own doubtful we could sell our current home so we could choices in our lives. In his essay, “My Search for the move into this one. Even if we could, we don’t have Divine Feminine,” Ryan Thomas looks to writers in the time or money for the renovations that would be scripture to understand Heavenly Mother. As part of necessary on the adobe house—the plumbing, the our regular feature, “Exponent Generations,” Lorie long-neglected landscaping, and all those “little” de- Winder Stromberg’s 1979 Exponent II essay, “The tails that come with ownership of an older home. Sanctity Personality,” describes Edna Ericksen, a trail- One of the other reasons I want to buy this house is blazing Utah legislator in the mid 1930s. (Lorie was a because I fear it will be torn down. It’s the last of its 1970s feminist pioneer in her own right.) kind in the neighborhood, and I can’t help but think These pieces and their historical elements fit about how we’ll lose this piece of history to make way well with our other writers in this issue, women who for three (or four!) of the currently popular Spanish have the courage to share their contemporary sto- colonial McMansions with their impractically high ries, including Suzette Smith’s “My Faith’s Journey” ceilings, shoddy insulation, and nary a built-in book- and Kathy Weinzinger’s poem, “My Story.” In each case among them. of these pieces, we see women in search of ways to I see parallels between this historical house and our authentically experience their faith and ultimately Mormon feminist history. How often do we modern grow spiritually as they work through their personal Mormon feminists want to build something new and struggles. shiny without looking at the battles our foremothers There is power and knowledge to be gained in fought for us? What insight and beauty can be found reading the stories of the past and keeping them in in our feminist history? What “architectural” details mind as we record our own stories to share with pos- could we find in their writings to apply to our lives terity. Aimee and I hope you feel this energy and will today? be inspired to share your experiences (and those of Lately, I’ve begun to fear that I don’t look to the your foremothers) in Exponent II and not let them go past nearly enough, which is why I’ve been so happy the way of my beloved 1940s adobe ranch home. with this issue and its historical components. Cath- erine Wheelwright Ockey’s piece, “A Path Once - Emily Clyde Curtis, September 2010 Chosen” tells the story of her search for peace in the Church as she began to learn about the history of her Have a letter to the Editors or a submission for foremothers who lived in Kirtland during the Mor- Exponent II? Email us at [email protected]. Exponent II Page 3 Sabbath Pastorals Paul’s epistles (often called pastorals) strengthened early Saints and uplift followers today. Sabbath Pastorals highlights women preaching and teaching from the pulpit in wards around the world. Like Eve, All Women Make Choices

Sarah Hogan Cambridge, Massachusetts ***** are very different from each other, The goal is a more both in circumstance and personali- Eve entered into mortal life with ty. In fact, I believe it is much more two clear goals: to gain knowledge abundant life. If we all difficult to see the clear path a righ- and to multiply and replenish the achieve that goal, we will teous woman should take than that earth. As her children, however, we all still be unique daugh- of a righteous young man. A young too often experience these as two ters of God, and we will man expects to progress through separate goals women must choose the priesthood, a concrete mea- between. Eve chose between eating all have found different sure of his spiritual development. and not eating the fruit. However, paths to get us there. He prepares to serve a mission at her role as nurturer and her desire nineteen, and “get all the education to grow and develop herself are ***** he can,” preparing for a career that clearly linked. She reflects on her will allow him to better his mind choice in Moses 5:11: “Eve... all; little children do have words and his situation in life. Young was glad, saying: Were it not for given to them many times, which women face a series of difficult our transgression we should never confound the wise and learned.” choices, and yet many of the things have had seed, and never should However, as we turn to the they may hope to accomplish prove have known good and evil, and scriptures specifically for a defini- to be beyond their control. I’d like the joy of our redemption...” And tion of what it means to be a righ- to tell you about a few women of Christ describes his redemption in teous woman, there are challenges. the church who came to my mind John 10:10 as: “I have come that Women are under represented in as I was preparing this talk. they might have life, and that they the scriptures. When they are in- Ellis Shipp was a pioneer might have it more abundantly.” cluded, they are usually peripheral mother in Utah who undertook to As we look to understand what in a story about men, and written educate herself. She began to rise God’s plan is for women, we may by men. There was no attempt to each morning at four in the morn- logically turn to the scriptures. include in the scriptures a compre- ing, studying a variety of subjects Certainly, the scriptures give us hensive and prescriptive study of for three hours before beginning many valuable insights into God’s women. And yet, we often look for her day. Ellis had a particular inter- plan which apply to women. I have stories about women and, “liken est in medicine, and eventually she a clear memory of the first time the scriptures unto ourselves,” studied with a Dr. Gunn in Salt I was taught that the many scrip- based only on the few shreds of Lake. Then in October 1873 Presi- tural references to “man” in King information we have about women dent Brigham Young proclaimed James English meant all people. who may have been in circum- that “the time has come for women We need to teach this explicitly to stances very different from ours. to come forth as doctors in these men, women and young people, as, We may forget that Nephi also valleys of the mountains.” On for example, Alma did in the Book prompted his brothers, “Have ye November 10, 1875, Ellis wrote in of Mormon, in Alma 32:23, “And inquired of the Lord?” her diary: “What a strange fatality! now [God] imparteth his words by As I think of righteous women This morning I start for Philadel- angels unto men, yea, not only men of the scriptures or of the restora- phia to attend Medical College.” but women also. Now this is not tion, or of the church today, they Ellis worked her way through Page 4 Exponent II medical school by teaching dress- to leave Nauvoo because of perse- that they could not have expected. making skills. Pregnant, she prayed cution, Emmeline and her young President Kimball taught, “The for the strength to finish her exams husband lacked the resources. After abundant life is also achieved as we before the baby came, and gave the death of their infant son, Em- magnify our view of life, expand birth to a daughter on the day after meline’s husband traveled down our view of others, and our own she finished. At 31, she returned the Mississippi River to find work possibilities. Thus the more we to Utah to practice medicine but and never returned. Eventually follow the teachings of the Master, quickly recognized that the few Emmeline would make her way the more enlarged our perspective Utah women who had qualified as to Utah. Although she remarried becomes.” physicians were insufficient. With- twice, she remained largely respon- I have a friend who always in a few months she had started a sible for supporting herself and her planned to be married and have School of Obstetrics and Nursing, children, first as a teacher and later children. She is very attractive and often holding a student’s baby—or as editor and writer for a magazine fun, and dated a lot. Her focus was one of her own—as she lectured. called The Woman’s Exponent. She always on serving others. When I She gave birth to four more chil- was active in the national woman’s met her she was in her mid-twen- dren after she returned to Utah. She suffrage movement, was called by ties, and our ward Relief Society continued her practice for many Brigham Young to lead a church President. When she was accepted years, and taught in Utah, Canada, grain storage program that famous- to graduate school at Harvard, her Mexico, Colorado and Montana. ly sold wheat to the government father said, “That’s a lot of money Emmeline B. Wells grew up in during the first World War, and, to waste if you are just going to get central Massachusetts. A promis- after 22 years of service as General married.” She doubted her plans, ing student at a private school, she Relief Society Secretary, was called but eventually decided that she had gave up her education and most to be the General Relief Society the potential to do this and do it of her family and friends when President in 1910 at the age of 82. well. She felt inspired to develop she and her mother left to join the She served for twelve more years. herself and her abilities. After get- Saints in Nauvoo. She married One thing that stands out to me ting her Master’s degree, she got an as a teenager and gave birth to a about these stories is the way that excellent job in her field. Eventu- son. When the Mormons needed these women accomplished things ally she felt strongly prompted to get a PhD, and received a Fulbright scholarship for study abroad. I, on the other hand, always planned to get a PhD. I felt that I could be happy if I never married, and I didn’t think I would ever find a man who would be the right person for me to marry. I didn’t inten- tionally prepare myself for becoming a wife or a mother. However, I felt strongly prompted to become a high school teacher and was led to a particular school where I learned many things about myself and others that prepared me for life with the husband and children I now Deseret Hospital. Front row, left to right: Jane S. Richards, Emmeline B. have. I think I might have allowed Wells. Middle row: Phoebe Woodruff, Isabelle M. Horne, Eliza R. Snow, Zina D. Young, Marinda N. Hyde. Back row: Dr. Ellis R. Shipp, Bathsheba W. Smith, many opportunities to grow and Elizabeth Howard, Dr. Romania B. Pratt Penrose. Photo courtesy of the Utah serve others to pass me by if I had State Historical Society. earned a PhD and stayed single. Vol. 30, No. 2 Page 5 However, I would still really modern—should be. The scripture en. Be not overcome of evil, but enjoy working on a PhD. My friend says “brethren.” I will change it to overcome evil with good (Excerpts still hopes to marry and have chil- “sisters,” but men should know that from verses 9, 10, 15, 18, 21). dren. This story isn’t about neither it applies to them equally: I would add from D&C 84:110, of us getting what we wanted. I beseech you therefore, sisters, “The body hath need of every Instead, God often calls us into by the mercies of God, that ye pres- member, that all may be edified uncharted waters and asks us to ent your bodies a living sacrifice, together.” Many of Christ’s teach- develop skills we didn’t know we holy, acceptable unto God, which is ings seek to help people to appreci- could have. your reasonable service (verse 1). ate that all of his children are our As women or as men, we often And be not conformed unto this sisters and brothers. He asks us to look at a woman’s life and make world: but be ye transformed by the love and forgive others, not just negative judgments or idealize her renewing of your mind, that ye may in an abstract way but by uniting and feel inadequate by compari- prove what is that good, and ac- ourselves in him as he is one with son. For example, we may think, ceptable, and perfect, will of God God. God has created us as distinct “Ellis Shipp managed to become (verse 2). children with a divine nature. In a doctor and have eight children, For as we have many members the same way that women and men and she did it all without Mapquest in one body, and all members have are intended to marry and create or indoor plumbing!” Neither a not the same office; something greater than themselves, negative nor an idealized perspec- So we, being many, are one so women are each unique and yet tive is useful or accurate. Like Eve, body in Christ, and every one mem- dependent on each other. He asks all women make choices that are bers one of another. us to find a more abundant life by complicated and difficult to make. Having then gifts differing ac- building Zion together, learning to The goal of all is a more abundant cording to the grace that is given to appreciate each others’ strengths life. If we all achieve that goal, we us (verses 4-6). and characters. He knows that the will all still be unique daughters Let love be without dissimula- relationships we will build together of God, and we will all have found tion. Be kindly affectioned one to and the changes we will have different paths to get us there. another with sisterly love... Rejoice made in ourselves will be among Romans Chapter 12 gives us with them that do rejoice, and weep the promised blessings of living in my favorite description of what with them that weep. If it be possi- Zion—blessings he can not give to the ideal church—ancient or ble... live peaceably with all wom- us in any other way. ■

The Three Graces ©2010 Cassandra Barney. All rights reserved. Licensed by The Greenwich Workshop, Inc. Page 6 Exponent II Fiction In Direct Proportion by Laura McCune-Poplin Jamaica Plain, Massachusetts he flattered old ladies and made was there, she would turn left. If them blush and wish they were she opened her eyes and he wasn’t Against her better judgment, young again. When Lucy thought there, she would turn right. Lucy agreed to meet Elder Edwards about kissing Elder Edwards, her Lucy turned right; even though in the park at midnight. She had stomach tingled and her heart beat she closed her eyes to count again twenty minutes before she needed faster, and she lifted her hands to and even though she scanned the to leave, so she sat in the armchair, her own mouth, wondering whether shadows until her eyes hurt, trying slouching so her head rested on or not she had dreamed it. to coax movement or sound from the seatback and she could stare at Lucy took her keys from the stillness. the ceiling. All the lights were off, desk and held them in her fist so The first place Lucy went was but the window was open, and the they wouldn’t jingle. She thought La Bourse in the Rue du Palais. chiffon curtains lifted in the wind about taking her backpack, but it She didn’t know why she didn’t like ghosts. Even though the Soeurs was still wet, the Books of Mormon just turn around and go home, lived at least a mile from the ocean inside water damaged. Instead, she except the fear that if she went by the most direct route, Lucy reached inside the front pocket and back to the apartment and Elder could smell the sea in her apart- pulled out her wallet so she would Edwards called, she would have ment. have some form of identification to listen to excuses about why he She tried to empty her head and in case she landed in one of her hadn’t come and hope she didn’t rest, but Lucy’s mind would not sit mother’s hospital horror stories find them ridiculous or untrue. And still, bouncing between the ideas because she refused to wear her if he didn’t call, she would make of kissing a missionary and kissing nametag. Opening the front door, herself sick hypothesizing why. By Elder Edwards. When she thought which clicked even though she not going home, Lucy could avoid about kissing a missionary, Lucy had turned the handle as gently as her life for a while longer, or at felt dirty. She thought about her possible, Lucy listened for sounds least until dawn. parents and President Martin and of Soeur Stanley waking. Hearing Walking through an arched Elder Tyler and how disappointed none, she stepped into the hallway passage and into a courtyard sur- they would be if they knew. When and closed the door behind her. rounded by pillars and giant win- she thought about kissing a mis- The walk took longer than she dows, Lucy stood on top of a large sionary, the only person Lucy expected. By the time she climbed stone compass with black and pink imagined not loving her any less the hill closest to the park, she was arms pointing in every direction. was her Grandma, and maybe fifteen minutes late and worried Imagining places the arrows would Soeur Stanley. that Elder Edwards might be angry. take her if she followed their direc- On the other hand, whenever But from where she stood, the park tion without stopping, Lucy closed Lucy thought about kissing Elder looked deserted, the streetlamps her eyes and spun in place until Edwards, she thought about his confusing shape with shadow. she became dizzy and her steps green eyes and the way his shoul- When she arrived at the fork in were heavy, echoing off the walls. ders looked in white shirts and the path that would either take her Refusing to open her eyes until the how he spoke French better than left into the park or right towards blood in her head had stilled, Lucy any other missionary she had met, centre-ville, Lucy stopped walk- faced the passage from which she and how he never spoke badly of ing and closed her eyes, counting had come and saw what looked like Catholics or Muslims. She thought one thousand ones to twenty-five sterns of stone ships sticking out about the way he could smile with like she did when tracting. If she of the wall, as though they too had only half his mouth, and the way opened her eyes and Elder Edwards tried leaving and failed. Vol. 30, No. 2 Page 7 nightstand with a spider plant and a tape recorder because her parents couldn’t afford to buy more furniture for the room. Lying on her stomach, knees and elbows dim- pled with carpet marks, she looked at the book lying open and found the verses containing Alma’s story, and pressed rewind so she could hear it again, mouthing the words as she read. Alma was Lucy’s favorite prophet from any book of scripture, because he remembered what sin felt like, and every word he taught seemed to come from a place of compassion for the sinner. The street Lucy was following dead-ended at a hospital surrounded by eight-foot walls. She Roof Tops to the Sea by Sharon Furner sat on the curb in front of the cast iron gate and placed her chin on Stepping out of the courtyard kissing a married man, but kissing her knees, clasping hands around and into the empty street, Lucy a baby or a boyfriend or a spouse her legs, which were cold but not chose to walk in the middle of the was beautiful, and good. Or why, uncomfortable. Her skirt was long road, which was slanted on both her whole life, had she tried so hard enough to cover her toes and gather sides, the fifteenth century cobbles to be good when the most spiritual, in the gutter. She remembered her from Québec worn on the edges life-changing revelations came to English professor saying that it was from wear. She wanted to see the men who were sinning, like Saul, impossible to know what some- moon. When she was little, she or Jonah, or the adulterous woman thing was without knowing what it believed the moon was following brought before Jesus, who had been wasn’t, and she wondered if such her because every time she looked caught in the very act. theories applied to Christ’s atone- up it was in the place she had last Even as a seven-year-old forced ment, because then wouldn’t it be seen it, no matter where she went. to spend afternoons listening to the better to sin as much as possible? When she said such things, her Book of Mormon on tape because Even Alma said that the joy he father would laugh and tell her her father said she could not be found in redemption was directly she was wrong and why, but Lucy baptized until she had read the proportionate to the depth of his never lost her sense of wonder and entire book, Lucy loved the conver- pain. amazement. sion story of Alma the Younger. Lucy had never tried cigarettes Especially because there was He had spent his youth rebelling or alcohol. She had never lied to still so much she did not under- against God until he was struck her parents, except when she threw stand. dumb by an angel and didn’t move away her report card in sixth grade Like why could Black men not or speak for three days while Jesus because she got a D in Social hold the priesthood until 1978 if healed his soul. It was the only Studies, and when she accidentally God was no respecter of persons, or story she remembered hearing— drove her dad’s new truck into a why did circumstances determine the only story that made her stop chain link fence and scratched the right and wrong rather than the doing cartwheels and somersaults paint on the hood. She had learned nature of the thing itself, because on the wine colored carpet in the at church that rules were given to kissing an Elder was wrong, or dining room, empty except for a protect her freedom, that because Page 8 Exponent II she didn’t smoke or drink alcohol in the glare of street lamps and she had been asking her investiga- she would be free from addiction, security lights, and the leather of tors to do? Her whole life she had that because she had never had the deck cushions glowed white, struggled with the concept of what sex she didn’t have to worry about framed by dark polished wood. it meant to be in the world but not AIDS or unwanted pregnancies. Lucy crossed her arms against of it. But now she felt completely But perhaps she had cut herself off the breeze coming off the water. ungrounded. from the world. Even good inten- Because missionaries didn’t read Lucy didn’t know how long tions could turn sour like milk left newspapers or watch TV, Lucy she sat in front of the sailboats, in the sun too long. Lucy wondered didn’t know about the Whitbread but eventually she noticed the sky if empathy could be learned vicari- Cup. She didn’t know that the boats lightening from grey to lavender, ously. had arrived at sunset and would and knew she needed to go home. Leaning back against the iron be leaving at sunrise, and had she Assuming Soeur Stanley had set bars of the gate, which ran parallel stayed home like she was supposed the alarm clock, she would be to her spine, Lucy looked into the to, she wouldn’t have regretted not waking up in less than an hour. darkened windows of second and seeing them because she would Lucy was disappointed. Maybe she third story apartments lining the never have known of their exis- had expected a visit from an angel street and imagined what it would tence. who would wipe away her past be like to be French and live in La But she had seen them, and their life and give her a new name like Rochelle. beauty had made her aware that she Paul or Israel or Abraham. But she At her back, Lucy could hear was not rich, she was not French, had spent the night by herself, and the bells in the Cathedral Saint and La Rochelle was not her home for the first time she wondered if Louis, which rang four times. and never would be no matter how something like this could get her Deciding her mind worked better much she loved the white stone sent home. when she was moving, Lucy stood buildings and the cobblestone Plus she had kissed an Elder. up and walked towards the Vieux- streets and the lighthouses that Standing up, Lucy felt her wallet Port, passing beneath the Grosse looked like castle turrets. Struck by bounce against her thighs and for a Horloge and the shops along the the idea that maybe she had been second she entertained the idea of quai, their grates lowered for the trying to convert people to become running to the train station at the night like eyes sleeping. But when like her because she couldn’t be end of the pier and buying the first Lucy passed the lighthouse and like them, Lucy sat on a small ce- available ticket to someplace she saw the fleet of Whitbread sailboats ment pillar that fisherman used to had never seen. And for another she stopped thinking altogether. tie up their boats. Did she have to half second, she thought it was a Never in her life had Lucy been choose between loving God and good idea. But Lucy didn’t want on a sailboat, but she found them loving the world, and was this what to leave her mission. As soon as magnificent. Growing up in Cali- fornia, Lucy had been on boats for practical reasons—she had even volunteered as a teaching assistant on a ship, teaching elementary school students about water pH, core sampling, salinity, pollution, and plankton—but sailing implied a luxury she didn’t have access to. She walked slowly along the edge of the dock, listening to the water gently slap the sides of the boats, which gleamed like waxed cars. The chrome railings sparkled Cypress and Olive Trees by Sharon Furner

Vol. 30, No. 2 Page 9 she thought this, she knew it was true, and like her belief in God, it My Faith’s Journey became a certainty she could hold onto when her doubts threatened to Suzette Smith swallow her whole. Alexandria, Virginia had just started a difficult gradu- Suddenly exhausted, Lucy ate program. I had been exuberant retraced her steps to the apartment On a one-way flight from when accepted into the program, without bothering to question why, Boston to a new job in Salt Lake but it didn’t take long for statistics, satisfied with knowing only that City, I found myself questioning managerial accounting, and finance she wanted to. the sanity of leaving an enjoyable to discourage me. By the time she reached her single’s life and the Red Sox. For It was not just my studies that street, the first cars had started six years I had grown attached to brought me down; I also had many circulating, their lights turned on in the green, forested countryside, the gospel questions that troubled me. the morning half-light. She opened harbor, and the eclectic nature of I tried to discuss my questions with the glass door to her building and downtown. Perhaps the desert of friends in my ward, but there did took off her clogs so as not to make Salt Lake was the right place for not seem to be anyone who under- any noise. She turned the lock so my pioneer ancestors, but for me? I stood or could help. My spirit was quietly even she could not hear the thought about the Cambridge Stake empty, and when I prayed there click, and pushed down on the han- Girls Camp where I had served for seemed to be no answers. dle to open the door, which caught many summers and wondered how I reached out to a church leader on the bristles of the welcome mat it would go on without me. More for guidance. When we met I told inside. than that, I wondered how I would him that I felt distant from God and The lights were off, the air go on without the girls. I reminded was confused by this, considering inside the apartment stagnant and myself of the promptings that led my faithful obedience. I read my dead, so she didn’t notice the three to this move and reached yet again scriptures and prayed daily as I missionaries sitting in the dark with for Elder Holland’s talk, “Cast Not always had, and I paid tithing, went eyes rimmed red and worried. But Away Thy Confidence.” to church, and served in the temple. when Soeur Stanley shifted in her Following my spiritual prompt- Despite my efforts, I felt little com- chair to blow her nose, Lucy turned ings to get on that flight did not fort and few answers for my grow- around and screamed. come easily for me. My faith was ing doctrinal questions. “Serves you right,” Soeur Stan- like the New Testament father What followed was advice that ley said, standing up and pulling who desired his son’s healing, but I will never forget. He said, “Your tight the blanket she wore like a feared his faith was not enough, spirit is bigger than it once was and cape. She went inside the bedroom crying out, “Lord, I believe; help it is hungry. You are not feeding it and slammed the door. thou mine unbelief.” (Mark 9:24) enough.” He explained that be- Lucy looked at Elder Edwards, Throughout my life I have won- cause my spirit had grown over the wanting to blame him, to explain dered and struggled with things years, it would not suffice to feed that everything was his fault be- of the spirit and principles of the it the same “seminary food.” He cause he didn’t meet her in the park gospel, often wishing for the spiri- encouraged me to dig deep into the as planned, but it no longer seemed tual gift of faith that is spoken of in scriptures to look for answers and important or true. ■ the scriptures. Learning to trust the to focus on feeding my spirit, em- Lord has been and continues to be phasizing that I could not continue a process for me. with the same amount of study and Note: “In Direct Proportion” is a One memorable marker in this expect deeper understanding. chapter from Laura’s forthcoming journey came two years before the I chose to take his advice. I novel, Entertaining Angels Un- flight to Salt Lake, at a time when wrote down my questions and aware. my faith was weak and my spirits concerns and sought answers from low. It was the fall of 2000 and I the scriptures, spending a full,

Page 10 Exponent II quiet hour each morning in study, is still unseen, but I grow more sure and pray more deeply, but life’s thought, and prayer. The process of it every day. And I grow more bitter herbs had left me feeling was challenging and took sacrifice sure of faith and of love and of betrayed. In frustration, my prayers and patience, but my spirit began miracles. Thank you for encourag- became demanding and threaten- to fill and I felt the budding of a ing me to come to Utah.” ing. I wanted an explanation for greater faith. I was understand- I believed this answer to my my suffering. Why was I denied an ing the ways in which God spoke “marriage prayer” was proof that understanding when I had followed to me personally and my belief in I could trust in God completely. the Lord? How had I misread the His reality deepened. There were Then things changed. Tom decided inspiration of heaven? new insights into gospel principles to leave the relationship. When For months the heavens seemed I had studied for years, such as silent and my frustration remained. repentance, compassion, and hope. Then, my habit of study began to I began to navigate life, my exams, aid me. I heard whispers of the and my gospel questions with more Lord’s voice as I read the scriptures confidence, and felt I was standing and the Ensign. Slowly the some on a more solid foundation. answers began to penetrate my It was on that foundation I stood grief. when I arrived in Salt Lake City A year passed before I pieced two years later and began a new together my thoughts and reflec- life. To my surprise, things came tions and began to feel hope in together perfectly in Utah with a God’s love and guidance again. great job, friends, new service proj- A passage from Elder Wickman’s ects—and I fell in love. This love General Conference address “But was like a miracle for me. At 33, I If Not” (October 2002) was very felt that my trust in the Lord was powerful to me at this time. being rewarded with this new re- Do not ever doubt the goodness lationship. I believed that God had of God, even if you do not know intended this man for me and as I why. Why are we struggling with had followed His promptings, He this misfortune, when others relate had led me to him. After the years Photo by Kimberly Brock miraculous healing experiences of waiting and wondering, this new ? These are natural questions, life with Tom was just the right fit. he walked away, my heart broke understandable questions; but they Love was sweet and my prayers and so did my trust in God. I was are also questions that usually go were full of gratitude to God for knocked off my spiritual feet. I begging in mortality. The Lord showing the way. didn’t know what to do or even said simply, “My ways are higher About six months into my new how to approach the Lord. No than your ways, and my thoughts and wonderful relationship, I wrote words would come when I got on than your thoughts.” (Isaiah a letter to my bishop back in Bos- my knees, only tears and bewilder- 55:9)… In pressing too earnestly ton, who had encouraged me to fol- ment. I had sat in the temple and for the answer[s], we may forget low promptings and come to Utah: felt so sure about this man and this that mortality was designed, in a “Miracles swirl around me every- relationship. The spirit whispered manner of speaking as the season day and it only gets better. Every- that this was the right path. But of unanswered questions. Mortal- day I find I trust the Lord more and now it was gone and where there ity has a different, more narrowly more—and myself. The ground that had been certainty, now there was defined purpose: a probationary I ventured onto so tentatively is confusion. state, a time to walk by faith. holding together more firmly than My earlier experiences with The Prophet Joseph Smith I ever imagined. I want to run, and growing faith and spirituality had defined that first principle of the laugh, and shout for joy. The future taught me that I needed to study gospel as “faith in the Lord Jesus

Vol. 30, No. 2 Page 11 Christ.” It is that defining phrase— just as the scriptures had promised. comprehend why we had to endure in the Lord Jesus Christ—that we Another piece of my rebuilding so much, we too were unsure of sometimes forget. Too often we of- came in the words of a poem about our answers.” For me, this message fer our prayer… and then wait ner- the pioneers published in the July was motivating in moving forward, vously to see whether our request 2002 Ensign called “At Journey’s trusting again in God’s goodness, will be granted, as though approval End.” and once more searching for His would provide needed evidence Thirteen times we crossed the voice. I was comforted, knowing of His existence. That is not faith! Platte … [and] … how we pled for that I was not the only one who Faith is, quite simply, a confidence the waters to part. searched for meaning and answers in the Lord. Now we kneel here in the sand, in the dreariness of mortality. Here was a piece of what I grateful for every unanswered plea And so life continued. I was pro- sought: this life is not about clear that proved us. moted at work, I dated again, I en- answers. Somehow, it helped to Faith is the mountain that does joyed friendships and trips in Utah, believe that I was not meant to not flee, the water that does not and I eventually moved on to a new know all the reasons “why.” It was part, city. Wonderful things happened also enlightening to understand that [And] our faith…wrung drop by and painful things happened, but my faith could be centered simply drop, blossoms—red as the prom- this experience remains a signifi- in Christ and not on life’s happy ised rose. cant learning time in my continued results or on Tom. As I continued Though my heartache seemed journey of faith and trust in God. to ponder, I thought, “Perhaps my pale in comparison to those expe- Spiritual learning comes, for trust in God is its own reward.” rienced by my pioneer ancestors, me, at different points and in Perhaps that trust alone could give their determination inspired me. In different layers. With this experi- me security and peace. my mind, they seemed to say “we ence, I understood that some of the I began to believe again that too obeyed the Lord’s command- answers do come when I study and feelings of faith in Christ could ments, we too prayed for relief pray with more focus and com- come in spite of uncertain times— from our trials, we too struggled to mitment, and other answers do not come at all. I realized that I am not meant to know all the reasons why mortality happens to me as it does. I believe that God does answer my prayers, but not always in ways that I understand. I do feel His love and I recognize His healing on my broken heart. Most importantly, I have come to focus my faith more securely on God alone and that genuine goodness and love, rather than believing heaven’s blessings are proof of that love or a reward for my faithfulness. If my faithfulness brings me anything, it is a greater sense of who God is and who I am, a deeper relationship, which is its own reward. ■

Desert Landscape by Angela Clayton

Page 12 Exponent II Sisters Speak Sisters Speak gives our readers a forum to present their own ideas about a topic of interest to Mormon women. The topic posted for our December issue can be found at the end of this column on page 15. We look forward to hearing and publishing your own thoughtful response soon!

This month’s question comes from Caroline Kline, of Irvine, California: How should we go about integrating Heavenly Mother into our lives and teaching our kids about her? In what other ways can we teach our sons and daughters to see women as divine? I wish you could have seen [my friends] the first time they laid eyes on this label. ouY know why? Because when they looked at her, it occurred to them for the first time in their lives that what’s divine can come in dark skin. You see, everybody needs a God that looks like them, Lily. (from The Secret Life of Bees, by Sue Monk Kidd)

One of the greatest joys of being Mormon for me is our belief in a feminine divine. One of the greatest sorrows of being Mormon for me is her absence from our worship and, for the most part, our very consciousness. Because, when people acknowledge and commune with a God that looks like them, they see God in themselves. At the same time, I think it’s also crucial to have a God that doesn’t look like them as well. I have a three-year-old boy who prays to Heavenly Father. As he gets older, I know that he will hear about Heavenly Father and pray to him dozens of times a week. I am happy that he has that model—he needs a God that looks like him, and I hope that as he grows, he will consequently feel his own divinity, his own limitless potential. But I want him to see that potential in the women around him also. Will the lack of discussion at church about Heavenly Mother impact his ability to appreciate the divinity of the women in his life? Perhaps. So I intend to teach him, as well as my daughter, about Heavenly Mother. I’d love to hear others’ ideas about integrating Heavenly Mother into our lives.

Alisa Bolander of Midvale, Utah Lacy Mayberry, Sierra Vista, is drawn to the idea that Heavenly Arizona gives concrete suggestions enly Father and Jesus Love Me,” I Mother is connected to the Earth: on how to teach young children told my daughter in a Family Home While I don’t necessarily be- about Heavenly Mother: Evening that it said, “Heavenly lieve in these dualities, I am won- I’ve been having such a Heav- Father and Heavenly Mother and dering if I might teach my children enly Mother awakening lately. So Jesus Love me.” that Heavenly Father is the heav- when I noticed the blatant Heaven- I never really thought about enly, spiritual, transcendent force, ly Mother omissions in my daugh- Heavenly Mother much before and that the Divine Mother is the ter’s nursery handouts, I edited recently, and I don’t claim to be an grounding force, more about our them. For the picture of God on a expert, but my basic goal for my earth, bodies, and nature, so that throne with Jesus standing next to daughter is to get Heavenly Mother when we respect the Earth, we re- him and all the children standing into her consciousness, to put her spect her. When we take care of our around, I drew in Heavenly Mother on the same footing I feel I’m just bodies, we respect her. And when and hung it up on the fridge. For now finding. She and I can go from we do something for our spirits, we the paper necklace that said “Heav- there. □ respect him. □ Vol. 30, No. 2 Page 13 Anonymous writes of the troubling Sariah Toronto of New York, New York shares ideas of how absence of Heavenly Mother from our to include Heavenly Mother in our speech at church: Mormon worship: I feel a great trust to speak openly about Heavenly Mother When I think about teaching my in church settings. When I was called as Primary president soon to be born daughter about Heav- about five years ago, I felt a very strong impression that the enly Mother, I am afraid that talking children needed to hear inclusive language from me about our about this female deity, who is sup- Heavenly Parents, as well as the words “Heavenly Mother,” posed to be divine and eternal, and because they most likely weren’t hearing them anywhere else. yet is so bewilderingly silent and I also feel a need to use inclusive language and to speak about absent from meaningful action and Heavenly Mother when I can in talks. When my husband and discourse,will just be a giant confus- I were assigned to speak about the first Article of Faith, much ing paradox for my daughter. Because of my talk referenced Heavenly Mother, for without her there that is what it is for me. could be no Savior and thus no godhead. □ I wonder if our not hearing from her has more to do with us (meaning our cultural and social constructs blocking Truth) than it has to do with her. And it especially has more to do with the people who are in charge right now. Why else would a female deity be as absent from meaningful action and discourse as the general authority wives seem to be? What if all of the Fire and Power and Destruction and Life and Re- newal and Creation and Wonder in the scriptures were appropriately at- tributed to her as well as to Heavenly Father—wouldn’t you think of your- self differently? Less passively? Less domesticatedly obedient (but more Heavenly Mother by Sandra Rembrandt devoted and powerfully submissive to her will?) □ Barbara Taylor of Pocatello, Idaho speaks of proac- tively making Heavenly Mother a part of her life: I feel strongly that as an active woman in the Allyson Smith-Maughan of Bountiful, Utah sug- Church who believes in a Heavenly Mother, I need to gests a less direct way to teach our children about stop letting men dictate whether or not I speak about female divinity: her, pray to her, etc. She will never be a part of our One thing I would suggest in teaching our chil- worship if we don’t make her part of it. I also feel that dren about the divinity of women is to focus on the reason she isn’t part of our worship has nothing to women in the scriptures. Everyone knows Sampson do with our belief in a Mother in Heaven, but rather in the Old Testament but what about the story of the social construct that existed many years ago when Deborah? Why are there so many pictures displayed the church was predominantly North American and of Simeon with the Christ child but none of Anna surrounded by religions that only worshipped a male with Him? Why don’t people think she held Him? God. Who knows what might happen now that the When more artwork is created and more stories are church is becoming more international and spreading told about women in the scriptures, it helps all to feel to countries that acknowledge female deity in their the worth and divinity of great women. □ religious iconology. □

Page 14 Exponent II Tresa Edmunds of Modesto, California writes: Jenne Erigero Alderks of Seattle, Washington I speak about Heavenly Mother as the reality she shares her journey with the divine feminine: is. I think that throughout the history of the Church, As a convert to the LDS Church, I initially counted we women have given away some of our privileges, myself very lucky for a long time that I belonged to and if the day ever comes when we aren’t allowed to the only Christian church who taught about male and teach about her at church, I want it to be because she female God. Recently, as I’ve studied and pondered was taken from me, not because I gave her up. over what could be true about Heavenly Mother, I I’ve taken up gardening over the last few years, came to realize that there isn’t a really good reason for and it is a spiritual experience for me. Gardening is ac- me to not pursue knowing and understanding her on a tually one of my favorite Sabbath activities because I personal basis. feel like it’s such an appropriate way to commune with So now I’m coming to the point where I need to the divine and glory in creation. The divine feminine figure out how that belief is going to translate into has always been associated with the earth, and I like to practice. I feel that the term “God” is inclusive of imagine that is her stewardship now. □ God the Father and God the Mother, equal partners in marriage and exultation. In my personal prayers, I feel comfortable addressing deity as “My Heavenly Par- ents.” In teaching my three-year-old, we have already had a couple of family home evenings about Heavenly Mother and I am beginning more and more to use the phrase “our Heavenly Parents” or “God” meaning Father and Mother. □

Christanne Smith Harrison of Hamilton, New Jer- sey comments: I think the best thing that we can do for our children to help them know and understand Mother in Heaven is first to be strong, kind, confident women who are equal partners in our homes with our spouses, and then to teach them to be confident and make choices based on what they have been inspired to know is right. They will have seen an equal parental partnership and assume it is the same in heaven. □

Mexican devotional image, artist unknown

The next Sisters Speak: Loving and Conversing Openly With Those Who Have Left the Church Our Sisters Speak question was sent to us by an anonymous reader: She writes: “I have a brother who stopped going to Church soon after graduating from high school. There wasn’t a big discussion or fight; in fact, no one in our family has really talked to him about it as far as I know. Whenever I try, I feel embarrassed and tend to put my foot in my mouth and sound like a judgmental jerk. Maybe I’m approaching it wrong, but I just want him to know that I love him and I don’t care if he’s found that the Church isn’t for him.” What’s the best way to interact with and show love towards those who have left? Should we avoid men- tioning the Church? And if we do mention it, is there a way to do so without making the other person feel awkward? What experiences have you had speaking openly with loved ones who are no longer practicing Mormonism? Please send your Sisters Speak responses to [email protected] ■

Vol. 30, No. 2 Page 15 Poetry

My Story by Kathy Weinzinger Flagstaff, Arizona

“God is inside the box” They said joyously enthusiastically firmly How I wanted God, so I climbed in Joyously enthusiastically firmly Jumped in Head first Then shoulders Torso Legs

Although my knees stuck out And ankles And feet I wanted God, so I shifted Moved Pushed Adjusted my limbs My head My heart Still, I could not fit completely in the box. Something— some part—peeked out An elbow A hip A mop of wavy brown hair Shift Move Adjust Others fit. What is wrong with me? Then a whisper First quietly then joyously enthusiastically firmly “Follow me. Come out and follow me.” First, a finger A hand Probing Testing Trying An arm Elbow Shoulder Living Being Welcoming Neck Head Breast Strengthening Breathing great gulps of air “God is in the box” I hear it still Yes, yes He is. Just as He is also outside of it Under it Beside it In corners far, far away Still, I keep a foot in the box A knee A thigh For peace Photos by Kimberly Brock Yet, my head is free My arms My hands To reach To explore To embrace God in all of the places that He is ■

Page 16 Exponent II Jershon* Cari Hewlet Farmington, Utah

We came to thee as strangers strengthened, changed by Love bereft of what we had before: place soil that was ours that we poisoned with blood from our hands Photo by Aimee Evans Hickman that swallowed our swords Stay At Home Chemist when we buried them deep Dayna Patterson never never Nacogdoches, Texas again. We fled Before children, she measured On the days before market, not knowing mercury. she is up at sunrise baking in the Now she measures flour. half light, if ever Her kitchen is her laboratory, Italian focaccia, slipper bread, we would her lab coat a white apron. ciabatta, and carefully woven seed the ground challah. When she mixes whole wheat again raise life concoctions, she knows to add A fine mist of flour floats in the or die peaceful a tablespoon of something acidic light but hard, lost like orange or lemon juice from the kitchen window to help with gluten formation. haloing the dirty blonde in this world— heads of her children. saved in the next. She knows after kneading dough We were ready. with chopped jalapeños, to treat Cooling on racks, the chemical burn with a milk bath. an assortment of English scones: Then Light came before lemon poppy, lemon cranberry, we expected, and with you She knows the amount of water lemon ginger, we found to add to a fork-whipped egg wash, apricot almond, cherry almond, home, again eggs fresh from her coop apple walnut. of Bantam hens out back. undeserved. Given freely. Every Saturday, at the Farmer’s She understands the corollary Eyes full with weeping. ■ Market, between raising children see her standing at her booth, her and preparing dough to rise. *Note: Jershon is the land given to quick the people of Ammon after they buried Her repertoire of experiments is smile, her children bagging bread, their weapons and renounced war. vast. her experiments for sale. ■ Vol. 30, No. 2 Page 17 Goodness Gracious Linda Hoffman Kimball, who has been associated with Exponent II since 1973, muses with humor and affection on the goodness and grace in her own life and in the experiences of other women. She turns her eye toward the simple things that amuse the sojourn that is “fulfilling the measure of our creation.” Moving Miracles by Linda Hoffman Kimball liever in that precept. Sometimes God uses assistants Evanston, Illinois in accomplishing his mighty works. Did the seagulls know their feasting on crickets was God’s answer to I surveyed the mountain of my family’s accumu- the pioneers’ prayers? Probably not. To them it was lated goods. We were moving and everything from just a stupendous binge-purge dream-come- true. But crucial documents to furniture to tchochkes required miracles are there if you have eyes to see. sorting. A daunting task. There was also the visitation of angels. Creating categories for each item’s fate came first. In the “donate to particular people” category, I’d Here was my list: culled out a few items I thought my friend Lori might • Definite keepers want (brand new workbench, big table, art supplies, • Trash etc.) Again the heavens opened. Angel Lori and her • Give to particular people angelic husband Greg did want those specific things. • Donate to charity Also, her neighborhood was having a huge garage I called Salvation Army and told them what I had sale in a few weeks and they would eagerly take ALL to give. They scheduled a truck for Monday between my cast-offs to sell at that event towards their “get- eight and noon. Noon came and went. I called Salva- ting a new comfy chair for the family room” fund. tion Army. The truck had broken down and wouldn’t Again, like a huge seagull from back in the day, Lori be out to pick my stuff up after all. Glad I called. With and Greg’s van pulled into my driveway, filled up, and some angst I rescheduled for Thursday. At 11:59 AM drove to their house where it disgorged its contents on Thursday the truck pulled up. They took our couch and kept coming back for more. without complaint. Much of our stuff belonged to our three grown When they saw the pool table, however, they said children. We summoned them for a day of decision it was against their regulations to take an “undisman- making. My magnificent daughter-in-law came along tled” pool table away. “Didn’t the scheduler tell you? for the fun. She grew up in a hoard-free home and had No? They should have.” Also, they claimed that our a native sense for what was worth keeping and what it large desk was too heavy and geometrically too big was time to part with. She was a remarkable influence to remove from the house. (Did they think it sprouted for good. The garbage cans swelled and eventually into being from the floorboards like a fungus?) overflowed with the refuse of my kids’ early years. Then the heavens opened. So did the tool cabinet. Particularly treasured items nestled happily in a short Miraculously the cumbersome items shape-shifted and stack of plastic “keeper” bins. disappeared. The invocation of a little green magic After the younger generation flew away, I ventured may have assisted. into the garage to haul the stuffed garbage cans to You know the adage, “Pray as if it all depended on the street. In the process of containing the overflow I God and work as if it all depended on you”? I’m a became across items they had tossed which seemed per-

Page 18 Exponent II fectly appropriate for the “donate” boxes. While transferring them, Bee Farm out popped an envelope which had a little note poking out of it. Of by Karen Rosenbaum course I had to read it. Kensington, California ***** There, in the unmistakable The summer of 1952, because In her own home, Mom handwriting of the tooth fairy, was of my father’s job transfer with the had had the illusion of the message, “Congratulations on U.S. Bureau of Mines, my family another lost tooth! Your friend, moved from Boulder City, Nevada, being in control. Here she T.F.” to Salt Lake City, Utah. I was 11, did everything she could Moist-eyed nostalgia swept over Rich was 9, and Johnny was 5. to prove that she still was me. Standing by the garbage can, The other minors in our household holding that souvenir of their child- were Mitzi, a black and white cat, in charge. hoods I wondered what I should and her two surviving male kittens, do. Woman-up and put it back in Snuffy and Tuffy. (The third kit- ***** the trash, focusing on my children’s ten, a little orange creature named Rich, and Rich’s wife and their amazing current lives rather than Enoughy, had been, unluckily, three pre-school schildren were the wistfulness of a time gone by? undertire when my father backed visiting my Berkeley flat. I suppose Or could this little remembrance our car out of the garage.) Johnny or I mentioned Mitzi—per- linger a little longer reminding me Homes were found for the two haps we were telling four-year-old of the whole of their lives? kittens when they were small, cud- Lisa about our first pet. “And you It was a painful decision to tuck dly, cute. We children wanted, of remember that story they told us,” it back into the garbage can, but I course, to take Mitzi to Utah with Rich said, “about Mitzi going to did. The short stack of plastic bins us. She was a pleasant little cat and the bee farm.” will be sufficient. Onward to the likely, we suspected, to produce Johnny and I stopped talking. future. Put your shoulder to the more cuddly, cute kittens. Since no “Story?” I asked. “There wasn’t a wheel—of the rolling garbage can one in our part of the world spayed bee farm?” asked Johnny. and get it all out to the curb. pets in those days, we were prob- It was Rich’s turn to look The next morning when I went ably accurate in our prediction. stunned. “You didn’t know?” to retrieve the garbage can, I no- This is also probably the reason “Know what?” Johnny and I cho- ticed a flutter of litter in the grass. that as moving day approached, no rused. I picked it up and saw what it was: one offered to adopt Mitzi. “They had her put to sleep.” the little note from the tooth fairy. Just before the moving van “No!” we wailed. “Not Mitzi!” Call me sentimental. Laugh at my arrived, our parents announced Fast forward to 2005, 35 years gullibility if you will. But I think that they had found a good home after the lie was revealed, 53 years God (or one of God’s invisible for Mitzi, one where she would after the lie was told. Rich, John, helpers) decided that I could keep be much happier than she would and I were trying to move Mom, that little reminder. This time I did. be were she forced to ride in our now 97 and long-widowed, from I can’t figure out the dynamics 1947 Pontiac all the way to Salt her condo in Salt Lake City to a of miracles. With war and cancer Lake and to adjust to a new, urban Berkeley skilled nursing facility, and racism flaunting themselves in house. “A bee farm,” Mama said. close to the homes of her eldest and front of our (at least) annual pleas We pictured Mitzi running loose youngest children. Managing her for “peace on earth, good will to and free among rolling green hills 24-hour home care from 800 miles men,” why do I get these miracu- and pretty wild flowers. Since we away had become increasingly lous tender mercies? were children of the brown Nevada difficult as her physical and mental I refuse to analyze it. I will in- desert, we must have gotten such limitations increased. During the stead lift my heart and shout “God images from books. fifteen years before the fall and is good!” ■ About 18 years later, Johnny, hip surgery which precipitated her Vol. 30, No. 2 Page 19 she would not go gentle into this period of her life, but we didn’t know how to deal with her rage and frustration. In her own home, she had had the illusion of being in control. Here she did everything she could to prove to herself and to everyone else that she still was in charge. Time, drugs, and increased dementia did grant her—and us—some measure of peace. She got used to most of the rest of her life, another three years and four months. Her alternating feistiness and sweetness made her an unlikely favorite among the staff. She rev- eled in the attention and frequent family visits. When I arrived each day, her face lit up. “Hello, doll,” she would say. Bee Garden by Sharron Evans I would sit with her in her exer- cise class or her gardening class or dementia and changed her mode of day, however, she looked around help her with her noon-time meal. locomotion from walker to wheel- the den that she didn’t always When the weather allowed, and chair, I sometimes took her to see recognize as hers and said, “I love the weather usually did allow it, friends and family members in being in my own home.” I would wheel her around the big nursing homes. “Don’t let me end In the end, we lied. When a back gardens. On really nice days, up in a place like this,” she would room finally became available in we would explore the neighbor- say under her breath. “I want to the most caring facility we could hood yards or cross the wooden live and die in my own home.” find, Rich and his wife flew Mom bridge over Strawberry Creek to We began dropping little hints. on a “visit” to California, and John the grassy stretch of lawn beyond. “You should come to California and I met her at the plane and After ten minutes, she would say, for a while,” I would say. “We drove her to the nursing home. We “Should I push you now?” and I have a friend whose mother’s had furnished her room to look would say, “Not yet, Mom—let’s health improved in this place they as much like her den as possible, wait till I’m tired.” found. And you would get to see placed a reclining chair in front of As we strolled, Mom and I your family. And it’s beautiful, and the television, hung our pop’s pic- would exclaim to each other, there’s no snow.” Mom loved Utah, ture on the wall, and filled the place “Look!” at whatever was currently but she despised snow. The idea of with flowers. blooming—columbine, hydran- a trip west would enter her mind, She was not fooled. She was geas, roses, even one magical lilac flutter around a bit, and then depart. furious. She called the aides names bush. We would point and laugh When I took her to see her doctor, we didn’t think she knew. She at the sparrows and hummingbirds the doctor, knowing our wishes, ripped the shirt off one; she hit and chattering squirrels. And when asked her, “Do you think you’d like another with her telephone. Every we would come to the mounds to go to California where you could day I tried to placate her and the of buzzing rosemary bushes, we see your daughter a lot?” frazzled staff. Every night I lay would giggle in mock alarm at the “Always,” Mom said. Later that awake worrying. We had known many, many bees. ■ Page 20 Exponent II Exponent Generations In 1872, our foremothers began publishing The Woman’s Exponent (1872 to 1914). One hundred years later, their spiritual granddaughters formed Exponent II (1970s to present), and 30 years after that, a new generation launched The Exponent blog into the digital realm (2006 to present). In each issue, we will pay homage to our chain of sisterhood by reprinting thematically linked articles from the three different publications. In this issue, we feature women paying tribute to women who have gone before and left a trail for them to follow. Emmeline Wells writes an ode for Eliza R. Snow, that “Poet! Priestess, Prophet too.” Lorie Winder knocks on the door of a political pioneer, and Meghan Raynes finds strength and comfort in remembering her feminist foremothers.

The Woman’s Exponent: Vision Vanished by Emmeline B. Wells Salt Lake City, Utah January 21, 1910 Which she scattered ‘mong the daughters Freely, generously bestowing Here she taught us life’s great lessons, Precious truths, the choicest gems, From the fount above obtaining; Fairer than earth’s diadems. As we trod life’s paths together, Rarest, sweetest songs of Zion Always righteousness maintaining— That are sung with sacred feeling— With that wondrous gift of power, Given her thro’ inspiration, Her true heritage and dower. Holy principles revealing Crown with honor her great name, Many years she served the Master, Linked with everlasting fame. Truth’s great banner wide unfurling, O’er the world she carried tidings And we call her regnant-mother; To all human souls uplifting; In her chaste, pure life excelling— Gladdest message of true light Zion’s daughters down the ages Peering through the darkest night. Will her messages be telling. Famous jewels she had gathered Poet! Priestess, Prophet too— In her pilgrimage sojourning, Israel’s hosts will honor you. ■

Exponent II: The Sanctity of Personality

by Lorie Winder were soon greeted by a thin, graceful woman of aver- Cambridge, Massachusetts age height, neatly attired in a pale blue dress, a string Vol. 5, No. 3 (Spring 1979) of colorful beads at her neck, and long grey hair carefully braided and wrapped on top of her head. Barely For a time, my roommate Peggy Fletcher and I able to see, Mrs. Ericksen smiled warmly when she discussed life’s complexities daily, and it seemed that heard Peggy’s familiar voice and drew us into her whenever the conversation turned to sensitive living, living room. After exchanging the usual introductory Peggy offered Mrs. Edna Ericksen as the example par pleasantries, she asked for a bit of help in the kitchen excellence. Thus, I was acquainted with Mrs. Ericksen preparing punch and delicately patterned, homemade, some months before we actually met. hand-pressed, Scandinavian cookies. Ascending the steps of an unimposing home near The refreshments served, we settled down to a the University of Utah, we knocked on the door and discussion of a then-recent article in Sunstone on Hans

Vol. 30, No. 2 Page 21 Küng’s On Being a Christian, and unavoidably, its examiner thoroughly questioned Mrs. Ericksen about implications for Latter-day Saints. It was soon evi- her husband, being careful to stress the importance dent that Mrs. Ericksen was a creative and committed, of accuracy. He soon put away the impressively filled yet not unexamining Mormon, whose insights were form, took out a blank sheet, and asked her name and engendered by a quick mind, a subtle and ironic hu- occupation. She proudly responded, “I’m a home- mor, and a wealth of experience. Later, as she related maker and a mother.” The examiner promptly re- some of the highlights and turning points of her life, corded, “Nothing.” Years later, when asked why such it was apparent, too, that much of her charm lay in her a gracious lady as she was involved in politics, Mrs. absorbing, though not obsessive, attention to detail in Ericksen related this story. To her, that “Nothing” on attitude and ambience, which Peggy described as an the census form represented the prevailing view about acute awareness of the “sanctity of personality” in the women. It was this experience, she believes, which objects and people around her. She once told Peggy first prompted her political aspirations. that before reading a book to her children, she would In Salt Lake, where her husband was offered a po- always wash her hands. It was not that they were dirty, sition at the University of Utah, Mrs. Ericksen plunged but that she wanted the children to think of books with into the campus social life, sang with the Tabernacle a certain reverence; there was something special about Choir, and became actively involved in political clubs. books, and this ritual would remind them of that spe- One day, the chairman of Political Ward II came to cialness. It is just this sort of deliberate and thoughtful her door to ask if her husband would consider running imagination employed throughout her life which freed for political office. He declined, but Mrs. Ericksen her from conventionality even when her customs coin- remarked that some day she hoped to run. He asked, cided with society’s. “Why not now?” She responded, “I’m not ready. I As a young, expectant mother, Mrs. Ericksen must first take classes in political science and his- moved to Beaver, Utah, with her husband Ephraim E. tory.” “But no one prepares to go to the legislature,” Ericksen, who had accepted a position as the principal he countered, “you just go.” Needless to say, Mrs. of the Church’s Murdock Academy. Mrs. Ericksen Ericksen was somewhat bemused by his comment. recalled that the crates and boxes containing their ma- By 1933, Mrs. Ericksen was sitting behind desk 42 terial possessions were still packed and standing un- in the Utah State House of Representatives. She served opened in their living room when the census examiner one year in the House and six in the State Senate, appeared at their door. Leaning on a wooden crate, the becoming a champion of women’s rights legislation. Not content merely to sit in the legislature, she and fellow woman Senator Camilia Lund spent a great deal of time interviewing female laborers in Salt Lake in order to get first-hand information regarding wages, working conditions, and how female employees were being treated. This helped her to know how to vote and where to press for legislation. In describing women’s role in government, Mrs. Ericksen wrote, “Women must express themselves more freely, they must act more courageously…Only when women participate actively in public affairs will democracy maintain a balance essential to social justice and Ericksen family in the mid-1930s, about the time Edna began her career international Good Will.” in politics. Stanford, Howard (in front), Edna, Ephriam, Margaret (in Although maintaining her commit- front), Sheldon, Gordon ment to women in politics, she always Page 22 Exponent II put the question to her family whenever contemplating running for political office. ***** In most instances, all responded favorably. “Women must express themselves more freely, However, on one occasion her small son approached her in the kitchen after dinner, they must act more courageously…Only when told her he did not want her to run, and asked women participate actively in public affairs her why she couldn’t “just be ma.” Without will democracy maintain a balance essential questioning his reasons, she withdrew her candidacy. to social justice and international Good Will.” A decade or so later, the telephone rang -Edna Erickson at the Ericksen home just as Mrs. Ericksen began to wash her long hair. It was Governor ***** Maw. He told her that Senator Gordon Weg- geland had resigned and asked if she would care to approached with the problem because she had been finish his expired term. She responded affirmatively. critical of the program already in effect and, in her He then asked her how soon she could meet him at his words, “because I was the only member of the Board office, suggesting fifteen minutes or so. She agreed, with more than one boy.” She made it the objective of quickly dried her hair as best she could, grabbed her her committee to get acquainted with boys—by visit- hat and coat, and sped to the Governor’s office. She ing them, observing them and the kinds of activities was still somewhat stunned when he immediately ush- they enjoyed, and by reading numerous books. Finally, ered her into the Senate chamber and introduced her to putting her theories into practice, Mrs. Ericksen taught the Senate already in session. She then returned home the Trailbuilder class in her home ward, refining and and finished washing her hair. revising it until she had a workable program. Serving on the Patronage Committee in the Sen- The finished product, which was intended to be ate, which makes suggestions for various positions a series of suggestions for activities from which the before the session begins, Mrs. Ericksen was given the teacher could draw depending on the needs of her responsibility of appointing the chaplain. She recom- class, appeared to be quite successful. Yet Mrs. Erick- mended Dr. Maud May Babcock, then a professor at sen was somewhat disheartened years later when she the University of Utah. As they were reticent to ap- received a letter from a distraught ward leader. The prove such an appointment—there never having been sister had taken suggestions in the manual to be hard- a woman chaplain before—Mrs. Ericksen approached fast instructions for weekly activities, and when the her leery fellow senators and countered their objec- manual had suggested that the boys go into the hills tions with, “Gentlemen, are you suggesting that a and watch the sun go down, she queried, “What shall woman’s prayers cannot ascend to heaven as well as we do—we have no hills?” The program had not been a man’s?” Dr. Babcock’s appointment was approved, intended to stifle, but rather to enhance individual and she and Mrs. Ericksen shared an office together creativity. during the session. “My senate years were a good Mrs. Ericksen is more than simply a wise older training period,” Mrs. Ericksen reflected, “because you woman with numerous unusual experiences. She have to talk about every subject that has to do with life is a person who, even now while plagued with the and living within a year’s course of legislating.” nuisances of old age, lives her life by choice, not by Despite her political accomplishments, Mrs. Er- default. As she quipped at the end of one of our visits, icksen believes that for real personal development, “I’m by nature an optimist: I don’t believe in ending her work on the Primary General Board creating the a sentence with a period, for with a period your voice Trailbuilder Program far exceeds all her other achieve- drops and so does your incentive. No, I don’t believe ments. Her success here let her see real growth and in them because I’m never through!” ■ gave her confidence to do other things. It seems that a program was desperately needed to stimulate the interest of boys the ages of eight to ten. Mrs. Ericksen was Vol. 30, No. 2 Page 23 The Exponent Blog: Hope in the Feminist Sisterhood by Meghan Raynes Denver, Colorado Being a Mormon feminist is inconvenient and April 6, 2009 lonely. Other members of the church will think that you are crazy or sinful/prideful/power-hungry/delud- I was sitting at my desk in the Smith Institute for ed. You will have hard questions left unanswered. You LDS History back in the days when it was still at will think really painful things about your community BYU, reading through a newspaper article that one of and God. But there is room in Mormon feminism for the professors I worked with had been interviewed for. optimism. And I remember feeling so alone. The article was en- Even if the church does not change or the questions titled “Where Have All the Mormon Feminists Gone?” go unanswered, you will always have sisters at your and it basically asserted that the Mormon women of side. They will be there to teach you how to crochet my generation had no use for feminism. This was in and to giggle with you late into the night. They will be the days before Feminist Mormon Housewives, back there to help carry the burden, to mourn and cry with when VOICE at BYU had died a quiet death, and a you. They will be there to walk down the long road year before its softer re-incarnation, Parity, was born. with you. But I had a primal need for feminism—feminism I have posted before how I worry for my daugh- was in my blood and in my bones and I felt isolated ter’s future as a Mormon woman. But today, I don’t and assumed that I was alone in my concern for wom- worry because I know that she will have mothers and en’s space within a Mormon context. I had professors, sisters who will always be at her side. And that is both female and male, who nurtured my burgeoning enough. ■ feminism in the academic sphere but there was no one at that time to gently lead me into the lonely road of being a feminist and a Mormon woman. If somebody had told me then that five years later I would be holding my baby girl at an academic Mormon feminist conference, I’m not sure I would have believed them! Like so many others, I thought Mormon feminism was silenced and dead, or at least softer. And maybe this was so for a while but it is certainly not the case anymore. I have felt the ground shift and have seen the swell of excitement, creativity and thoughtfulness. Patriar- chy, beware! We are making history just as Eliza and Emmeline, Laurel, Margaret and Claudia did before us. Mormon feminists are not just passive actors in our theological history, we have been a vital force from the very beginning. Of course, Mormon feminists today experience a very different church from the one Second Wavers influenced during the 60s and 70s. There is so much distrust and many open wounds still left unhealed. My feminist sisters are also probably less optimistic that things will change. But this new feminist movement has reignited in only five years; think of the change we can accomplish in ten years, twenty! Sisters by Galen Dara Page 24 Page 24 My Search for the Divine Feminine

by Ryan Thomas Hurricane, Utah nine and laid the foundation for the the focus of my research. transformation that I would later First, I became aware of an Over the last several years I undergo. The first was my initial accumulating body of archaeo- have been on a spiritual journey to experience with the temple endow- logical evidence that ancient Israel know my Heavenly Mother. It be- ment. While there I was impressed had worshiped a Mother goddess gan while I was a graduate student with the idea that Adam and Eve, like other cultures of the ancient at the Harvard Divinity School, as represented in the ceremony, Near East. The goddess' name where academic study of the Bible symbolized in some profound way was Asherah, and contrary to the exposed me to new ways of under- I could not yet understand the male biblical record, her tradition ap- standing the biblical text. As my and female sides of deity. The pears to have been indigenous, LDS beliefs and values engaged concept felt like a revelation; it widespread, and mainstream. This with my academic learning, I was captivated me and overshadowed discovery took me by surprise, for awakened to the presence of the everything else I learned. All that my professors tended to emphasize Divine Feminine in scripture and to seemed to matter for days after the the monotheistic tendencies and Her active presence in my life. experience was that the Divine was distinctive character of Israelite re- When I first came to graduate both male and female. ligion, an assessment based largely school, my beliefs about the Divine Another memorable experience on the biblical evidence. Who was Feminine were not very differ- occurred on my mission when I this Asherah? What happened to ent from other Latter-day Saints. happened to hear a quote, attrib- her tradition? Why was there such Growing up I had been taught that uted to Joseph Smith when he was a disparity between the archaeo- we had a Heavenly Mother and that speaking to the Relief Society, in logical record and the Bible? I felt this was an accepted, even sacred, which he said that he would make drawn to the question of Israelite doctrine of the Church. But my them queens and priestesses, to goddess worship. I wanted to know ideas about her were vague and such an extent that the queens of about this Mother—intuition told undeveloped. I did not see myself the world would pale in compari- me she was the spiritual forebear of in a personal relationship to her; son. The thought electrified me. the Heavenly Mother of Mormon nor did I consider her absence I began to recognize the divine tradition. Why was she so impor- from most of the religious teaching nature and potential of women tant to these ancient Israelites, but and worship that I experienced in and sensed implicitly that we as not to us? the church as strange or reflecting a church had not fully caught the I started to get some answers some male bias. vision set forth by the founding to my questions as I learned what I did, however, believe in the Prophet Joseph Smith. biblical scholars knew about the principle of the Heavenly Mother. Upon beginning my studies formation of the Hebrew Bible. I Partly, this was because the idea at Harvard, I became vigorously found out that the reason the im- just seemed to make theological engaged in studying the Old Testa- age of a transcendent, unembod- sense. But it was also because I had ment/Hebrew Bible in its ancient ied, solitary male deity dominates been surrounded by extraordinary historical and cultural context, not the biblical record can largely be women from birth. Their intel- expecting to make any grand dis- credited to the Deuteronomists, ligence, love, and strength gave coveries or breakthroughs in bibli- a scribal school who are thought witness to real feminine spiritual cal interpretation, but simply to by scholars to have had a decisive power. try and gain insight into what had hand in the composition and edit- As I grew older I had spiritual always seemed an impenetrable ing of the biblical texts. Living at experiences that testified to the and mysterious world. But a se- a period much later than the events importance of the Divine Femi- quence of events quickly narrowed they narrate, and disconnected from Vol. 30, No. 2 Page 25 the religious traditions of ancient Palestine for more than a millen- the goddess Asherah, but from the Palestine, they essentially wrote nium preceding the time of Christ. rhetorical context of the book as the Israelite goddess out of Israelite That it appeared here in such a a whole. Proverbs seems to have history and branded her as foreign. central narrative of early Christian- been constructed in dialogue with That men could alter or produce ity suggested to me that the god- Deuteronomy, or better, in polemi- scripture to serve their ideologi- dess tradition of ancient Israel had cal argument. Its riddle-like lan- cal goals made sense from an LDS greater longevity than I had previ- guage, its mocking, satirical tone, perspective, but I kept wondering, ously imagined. its patterning itself after the book is that all there is? Did the Bible I then started to read the He- of Deuteronomy, its subversive only preserve the perspective of brew Bible with new eyes, look- intertextual allusions to Deuter- the Deuteronomists? Is it bereft of ing for evidence of the Israelite onomistic literature, its apologetic authentic traditions about the real goddess in the surviving written pro-goddess attitude all appear to historic religion of Israel? The first traditions from ancient Israel. The have been intended to counter the clue that the Hebrew Bible had first text that caught my attention anti-Asherah ideology of the Deu- more to say about the polytheistic/ was the book of Proverbs, whose teronomists. Wisdom was a cipher goddess tradition came, ironically, female character Wisdom is widely for Asherah. as I was pondering the scene of Je- regarded to have been patterned on Understanding Proverbs in this sus' baptism in the New Testament. ancient Near Eastern goddesses. As way was a mind-blowing expe- The image of the dove descending I studied the Hebrew text I real- rience. First of all, it opened a out of heaven leaped out at me and ized that the book was radical in its unique window on an until now made a strong impression on my implications for the development forgotten tradition, a tradition of a mind. Why the dove? What does it of Israelite religion. Wisdom was vibrant and intellectually sophisti- mean? As I researched bird sym- not a literary personification, but a cated Jewish community which had bolism, I came upon the startling real goddess, from a living goddess all but been obscured by biblical discovery that the dove was not tradition. This was clear not only editors and centuries of Western re- only universally associated with from the portrayal of Wisdom, who ligious development but which now goddesses throughout the Mediter- speaks and acts in ways compa- shone forth in all its theological ranean and Near Eastern world, rable to goddesses elsewhere in the richness. It was my first intimation but that it had been connected to ancient Near East and has symbol- that the divine feminine had not Asherah in particular in the land of ism and iconography that matches died! At a more practical level, it showed that the biblical texts were far less theologically homogeneous than I had supposed. The Bible contained diverse traditions, some of them diametrically opposed to one another. Shortly thereafter, I began to see that Proverbs was not the only book in the Bible to have preserved remnants of the Israelite goddess tradition, but that there were other books and passages that presup- posed goddess worship. I found her theology to be densely concen- trated in Isaiah, Job, and Malachi, much less so in the Pentateuch. But most surprising was that in Detail, Dove Descending by Sharron Evans a few literary traditions the god- Page 26 Exponent II dess seemed to be referred to not deity in a grammatically genitive by Wisdom or Asherah, but by the relationship and used as a com- epithet ruh (traditionally translated pound name. For example, the god- as “spirit”). At first I took notice of dess Astarte is called the “Name the Hebrew term because I knew it of Baal” or the “Face of Baal;” the was grammatically feminine. This goddess Tanit is called the “Face of was interesting to me because I had Baal” or the “Image of Baal.” always been taught that the Holy This cultural pattern immedi- Spirit, the third member of the god- ately shed light on the passages that head, was male in gender. But as I I was reading where ruh seemed to studied the subject more, I found refer to a goddess, for not only did that biblical scholars almost uni- Hebrew ruh have a technical mean- versally explained instances in the ing when used in connection to the Bible where the Spirit seemed to be worship of cult statues (Hab. 2:19; an independent being from Yahweh Jer. 10:14), but it was often paired as something less, an emanation of with a male deity in a grammati- power, a mighty wind, a hypostasis, cally bound relationship compa- but not a deity. This was difficult rable to the above examples for for me to accept, for not only did Tanit and Astarte. Thus, in Genesis Jean d’arc in Rouen, France my LDS background incline me to 1:2 the ruh elohim (Spirit of God) Photo by D’Arcy Benincosa see the Spirit as a separate indepen- is described as hovering over the dent being, but I wondered how the waters, bringing new creation into by Joseph Smith that I had taught early Christians could have come being. In Isaiah she is the ruh Yah- as a missionary? With the modern to see the Holy Spirit as something weh, who along with her husband teachings of the church? Why had separate from the Father and the governs the earth, provides pros- something so important been invis- Son, to say nothing of being worthy perity, and cares for her children ible to the church for so long? Was of their worship, if it had originated (e.g., 48:16; 57:16; 63:8-14). my religion of inspired origin? merely through an imaginative pro- My initial reaction to discov- I remember at one point feeling cess of spiritual fission. It seemed ering that the Holy Spirit was an particularly dark and alone, hav- doubtful a priori. epithet for the Israelite goddess ing no one to turn to. Then I felt I So I began reading these bibli- Asherah was elation. I felt exhila- heard the Spirit's voice, the same cal passages more closely, wres- rated to finally know who the Spirit voice I had heard many times ear- tling with the meaning of ruh. The was, since the idea of the Holy lier in my life, telling me to not be more I did this the more I felt that Ghost that I had grown up with afraid, to keep going, to have faith behind the Spirit was an indepen- had always seemed confusing and in what I was doing. In my mind's dent female deity. But my proof disjointed, an unembodied male eye I saw the women of the church was lacking. Why would a goddess member of the godhead, difficult and knew that what I was discover- be called ruh, the same Hebrew to relate to on a personal level. But ing had important implications for term used for wind? the more I reflected on my new- them. The answer eventually came by found knowledge, the more I be- After this my focus naturally looking at names for goddesses in came uneasy and depressed with its turned to the question of the post- the Syro-Palestinian region. I found implications for my faith. I knew Hebrew Bible development of the that in this part of the ancient Near that what I had found was histori- goddess tradition. I presumed that East, goddesses were frequently cally accurate; there was simply there was a relationship between given epithets based on their cult too much evidence to deny it. But the Holy Spirit goddess of ancient statues. These epithets, such as face how could I reconcile it with the Israel and the Holy Spirit of early (pane), name (shem), and image rest of the scriptures I believed in? Christianity, but I wanted to know (sml), were then linked to the male With the restoration of the gospel what that was and how the latter

Vol. 30, No. 2 Page 27 had come to be regarded as and again. Then suddenly it male. dawned on me. The Trinity First, I realized that as had originally been a family: one moved later in time from Father, Mother, and Son! I the period of the composi- knew it in my inner being in tion of the Hebrew Bible, a way I could not explain. I the goddess tradition did not knew that Jesus believed in simply fade away or disap- the goddess and represented pear. Enochic Judaism, for Her as well as his Father. example, was clearly in the Early Christianity developed stream of the polytheis- out of ancient Israelite poly- tic goddess tradition, with theism! mythological and intertextual Having this knowledge put links stretching back to the the subsequent development goddess of Proverbs and Isa- of Christianity in a totally iah and further on to Israelite different light. I could see Asherah. This discovery was that the identity of the Holy important, since the Enochic Spirit as goddess had been literature was written at a obscured early on, both be- relatively short remove from cause of incidental linguistic the period of the New Testa- Trailside Buckeye and Spring Azure development of the New Testa- ment and is regarded to have by Sharron Evans ment traditions (e.g. the femi- had an important role in the nine Hebrew ruh became neuter development of early Christianity. (Isaiah 55; Proverbs 9; Sirach 24, pneuma in Greek and then mascu- Second, I found that reading 51). John gives special prominence line spiritus in Latin), and because the goddess tradition into the New to the goddess: there Jesus teaches of larger cultural and ideological Testament powerfully illuminated that one must be born again by the developments: the church gradually the character of Jesus and the Spirit-goddess to enter the kingdom moved west away from its Near background of early Christianity. of heaven, and the promise of the Eastern cultural origins, Christian In various ways, Jesus appears in Holy Spirit as another Advocate/ theology was seen in terms of Hel- the gospels as a son and representa- Comforter forms a central theme. lenistic philosophy, and the New tive of the Mother as well as of the Third, I discovered that knowl- Testament became the theological Father. Sometimes this is indi- edge of the Holy Spirit as mother preserve of a Christian culture that cated directly, as when the Spirit goddess was prevalent in so-called saw itself as utterly distinct from descends in the form of the dove Gnostic traditions, that Jewish paganism and gnosticism. at his baptism or when he claims tradition had remnants of the Isra- Eventually the Holy Spirit was to be a prophet of the Holy Spirit elite goddess in its concepts of the made a “he” in orthodox Christian- (Mark 3:28-30) or Wisdom/Ash- Shekinah and Bat Qol, and that the ity, first subordinated to the Father, erah (Luke 11:49). At other times feminine nature of the Spirit was then to both the Father and the Son it is implied by his language, such retained in Syriac Christianity for in western Catholic Christianity. In as when he says, “Come to me, all several centuries. time this concept of the Holy Spirit you that are weary and are carry- All this evidence was compel- became the unembodied Holy ing heavy burdens, and I will give ling. But for me personally the Ghost of the Mormon godhead. you rest” (Matt 11:28), phraseol- moment came one day when I I knew, however, that the Holy ogy which is heavily dependent on was contemplating the titles for Spirit was still a “She,” no matter descriptions of the goddess entreat- the members of the Trinity. The how much tradition and theology ing people to come to her for rest, mantra of Father, Son, and Holy said otherwise. Joseph Smith's regeneration, and enlightenment Spirit came into my mind again understanding of the Spirit was

Page 28 Exponent II influenced by his culture and he apparently never asked for a rev- A Path Once Chosen elation about its identity. This is suggested by D & C 130:22, where by Catherine Wheelwright Ockey new insight into the nature of deity Helena, Montana al fog I had been traveling through is found only in the first two claus- for the past three years also began es that say that the Father and Son The first week of May, 2010, to lift from my mind. have a body of flesh and bones; I left my Montana home in my Born to third and fourth genera- in the third clause, his own reason trusty old Toyota and set out on tion Mormon parents, I grew up and logic are used to deduce that a journey, a pilgrimage of sorts, in the 1950s and ‘60s in an active the Holy Ghost “has not a body of to visit LDS church history sites LDS home on the East Bench of flesh and bones,” for he explicitly across the United States. I looked Salt Lake City. My parents were states, “Were it not so, the Holy forward to the time alone and to well-educated and fairly open- Ghost could not dwell in us.” the opportunity to get a better feel minded politically and socially, Although understanding the for the people who preceded me in but their sincere devotion to LDS Holy Spirit as Heavenly Mother my uniquely Mormon life journey, doctrine and practice set me is different from what the present especially the women—people squarely on their same spiritual church teaches, it feels right to me. like my ancestral mothers: Dian- path at a very young age. I did all Indeed, having this knowledge has tha Morley Billings, baptized in those things good Mormons do— had a dramatic effect on my spiritu- Kirtland in 1830; Catherine Farrar, attended my meetings, graduated al consciousness. At its most basic a handcart pioneer from England; from four years of LDS Seminary, level, it has changed the way I read and Sarah Cordon Coulam, whose graduated from BYU, married a re- the rest of the scriptures held by bones lay buried somewhere on the turned missionary in the Salt Lake the Church to be standard works. banks of the Missouri River. Temple, served in whatever way I For the most part, the Spirit is My first destination was Kirtland, was called, and supported my hus- automatically revalorized as female Ohio. The morning after I reached band in his many priesthood call- and read from the perspective of Kirtland, I found myself on a long ings. I gave birth to four children, the goddess tradition, resulting in winding road that intersected with all of whom graduated from BYU many new theological insights. few others. The freeway was under and married in a temple. I give all But at a deeper personal level, construction, and trusting my these examples not out of pride, I have realized that the Mother limited sense of direction, I had but to demonstrate the spiritual I have found in the scriptures is taken a side road that I thought was and cultural path my life had taken my Mother. She has been there all parallel to the road I had intended and from which I had not strayed along, attending me from an early to travel. After quite some time for some fifty-five years. Though I age, giving me knowledge and traveling this path, and feeling can’t say that I was always happy inspiration, comforting and guiding unsure of which direction I was on this path, I never considered tak- me; I just did not know who She headed, I became concerned with ing any other, convinced as I was was. the precious time I was losing and that happiness would come even- I am now aware of Her presence finally pulled over to study the map tually—if not in this life, then in in my life. and regain my sense of direction. the eternities. However, my entire I now see Her in the face of the It was while sitting there in the perspective began to change with a many women whom I have known, solitude of a country road in the series of events that occurred about my grandmothers, my mother, my quiet summer rain that my mind three years ago. wife. began to clear and my pathway— I have struggled with chronic We as a church have been less physically and spiritually—seemed health issues all of my adult life without Her. Father in Heaven has to open up before me. Just as the and was finally diagnosed about been functioning as a single-parent morning fog gradually lifted from twelve years ago with celiac dis- for too long. ■ the road in front of me, the spiritu- ease, multiple chemical sensi-

Vol. 30, No. 2 Page 29 tivities, fibromyalgia, and chronic husband did speak up on my be- protect my health, but the spiritual fatigue. The effect these illnesses half, my pleas to our newly-called and emotional withdrawal came have had on my life in recent years bishop to speak to these women as a surprise to me and to those cannot be overstated. Through were met with silence. It seemed he close to me. Yet, I think it is human most of these health challenges, I was afraid of offending them. After nature, a form of self-preservation, have had unwavering support from weeks of increasing pain and asth- to withdraw from circumstances family, friends, and fellow LDS matic reactions, it became neces- that are as painful as these were for Church members. When my dis- sary for me to be released from my me. I felt unloved and unwanted, abilities have required accommoda- calling and curtail my church activ- rejected by the Church to which I tion on the part of ward members, ity. Emotionally and spiritually, this had dedicated my life, and I had my needs have, for the most part, experience was devastating. no recourse. I had appealed to my been met with love and acceptance. Throughout my life of busy bishop and he had done nothing to When we moved to a different church activity and unquestioning help me. The Primary and Relief state nine years ago, members of obedience, I had always been criti- Society presidents had tried, but my new ward were gracious and cal of people who left the Church without the bishop’s support, they understanding, doing what they or became less active because of had no power. And, though it is could to make church attendance what I perceived to be personal general LDS Church policy to ac- more comfortable for me. Unfortu- grievances—a personality con- commodate for disabilities, there nately, that began to change when flict, hurt feelings, or some other is no legal requirement to do so I received a calling which put me insignificant misunderstanding. (churches are exempt). I felt aban- in close proximity with members Suddenly I saw a whole different doned and lonely, left to follow a of the ward who were not as under- side to these stories. Now I was solitary path of spirituality separate standing. the one who had been misunder- from that of my church community, For me, the chronic pain and stood, insulted, and rejected. Now a path I could not seem to find. sometimes severe manifestations I was the one withdrawing physi- So, for the next two to three of these health conditions are cally, spiritually, and emotionally years, I was unable to attend my intensified by exposure to certain from church activity. The physi- own ward meetings, and found chemicals, especially petroleum- cal withdrawal was intentional, to myself questioning everything I based chemicals found in syn- thetic fragrances. Most people are pretty accommodating to this concern (in my previous ward, the bishop declared the chapel a fragrance-free zone so that I could serve as ward organist). Normally I avoid being in the same room with people whom I know will be wearing fragrance. However, in my new Primary music calling, I could not excuse myself from the room when some of the teachers, women who were new to our ward, seemed unable to grasp the sever- ity of my illness and continued to wear fragrances to church, though informed about my health issues at the time they were called. Though other members of the ward and my Utah House by Evan Tye Peterson

Page 30 Exponent II had once believed immutable. My explore the geographical history husband, a member of our stake ***** of my ancestors. In doing so, I had presidency, pushed for stake-wide I was the one withdrawing gained new confidence in my own accommodations for me and other strength, in my own spirit, in my members who suffered from some physically, spiritually, and own capacity to learn and grow and of the same health issues—chemi- emotionally from church change direction. I felt a weight cal sensitivity in particular—and activity. The physical with- lift from my shoulders as I saw the eventually I was able to attend road before me. It was my choice sacrament meeting in one of the drawal was intentional, now, and I had done my research. other wards. The stake president but the spiritual and emo- I had the information I needed to even came over one night to apolo- tional withdrawal came as make a decision. I could get off the gize to me for the actions of others. main road, take a side road, or go But wounds as deep as mine do a surprise to me. in an entirely different direction. not heal overnight, and I started Looking at the map on the seat to question if there was really a ***** beside me, I saw that I was not on place for me in the LDS Church. the road I had intended to take that Was there still room for me on this The culmination of my research morning, but that the road I was on spiritual and cultural path? Did I was a 300-page book which I would get me where I wanted to even want to be on it? So I started self-published and gave to family go eventually, though perhaps on to explore what other paths existed. and friends. This project gave my a more roundabout route. In that Like looking at maps of places I mind focus when my spirit was in moment I also recognized where I had never traveled, I researched turmoil. It helped me better un- was spiritually—not on the well- new spiritual arenas, reading raven- derstand my own background, and traveled road I had started out on ously about the spiritual journeys where this whole spiritual path had and traveled along for most of my taken by others, especially women. started, why I think and do some of life. Rather, I found myself now on With no Church calling (and the things I do—and I started to see a more circuitous route, wandering barely any attendance), I had more that I still had choices, that I was down side roads here and there, but time available to me. Years before, not locked into a single path, even it was a path that suited my needs at the urging of my mother, I had after so many years of living. and would get me where I wanted started writing the stories of my Not long after the publication of to be. When Mormons had rejected female ancestors, but I didn't have these stories, I started making plans me, I had tried to reject Mormon- the time in those earlier years to to visit my youngest daughter in ism. But that had only added to my finish the necessary research. I dug Virginia. As the time approached, pain. It was like rejecting my own out what I’d already written, went it occurred to me that if I drove soul or cutting off a body part. I through the materials left to me by to Virginia, I could visit some of could not reject it all outright—it my now-deceased parents, spent the places my ancestral mothers was too much a part of what I was. hours on the internet, wrote let- had lived—Kirtland, Nauvoo and I realized in that moment that ters to distant relatives, and took Missouri. It was a daunting trip to there are many paths that lead to several trips to Utah to do onsite take, but I was determined to do it. God, even to the Mormon God. research into the lives of my pio- Thus I found myself wandering the As my grandmothers took differ- neer Mormon grandmothers. The country roads of eastern Ohio on a ent paths to Zion, so was I finding stories I found were not all happy. rainy day in May. my own way, not entirely away These women sacrificed much with Sitting there on the side of the from the main Mormon path, but sometimes tragic results. I didn’t road, I realized how far I had trav- different, sometimes intersecting, agree with much of what they did eled in the past three years. I’d left but never quite parallel. In travel- and said. But I did admire them and the safety of a prescribed spiritual ing that path, I have finally found a I did grow to love them as I learned path to explore new byways, just measure of peace and my life feels what strong individuals they were. as I had set out on my own to rich with possibility. ■

Vol. 30, No. 2 Page 31 Flannel Board Sung to the tune of “If You Could Hie to Kolob,” the following song was written by Exponent II sister, Su- san Howe. Years later, Linda Hoffman Kimball altered the lyrics slightly and instituted the tradition of having the Relief Society sisters welcome infants into the ward and the world by singing this song to the infant’s family. We love the idea of using this song to more fully include women in the celebration of bringing a new life into our congregations and to mark the start of one’s religious life on earth. Movie Review Thought-Provoking Film Misses Mormon Efforts at Dialogue

by Julia D. Hunter 8: The Mormon Proposition Somerville, Massachusetts Directed by Reed Cowan and Steven Greenstreet David v. Goliath Films, 2010 8:The Mormon Proposition fits its film genre well. As with other fected, and that’s the one thing we documentaries, it's packed with were always taught in the Mormon shocking evidence, exclusive inter- Church, that family is everything, views, surprising statistics, a clear and that’s number one. And so, for mission, and a biased point of view. me, my family is everything, and Most importantly it gives a clear, my children are amazing. I have impassioned voice to a minority two gay children and I will stand group long-silenced. with them and stand for them every At first glance, the film’s argu- single time, and I wish more par- ment seems obvious and familiar. ents would.” But what I think many may not Additionally, the filmmakers know about the perspective behind offer an in-depth look at the LDS 8:TMP is that it is almost entirely Church’s strategy and involvement the product of gay former-Mor- in the Prop 8 political campaign, mons—written, directed, edited, as well as a prelude effort in Ha- narrated and produced—a voice waii. In my experience it seems I consider to be increasingly im- that Mormons often believe the portant and visible in this ongoing Church’s only involvement in a as the Church seeks to maintain a debate. political debate (whether regard- low profile. The greatest triumph of 8:The ing “moral issues” or otherwise) is On the other hand, the fact that Mormon Proposition is its human- through official statements issued the film is peppered with hearsay ization of homosexuality and gay to local congregations from the weakens the legitimacy of some of marriage. By featuring the story pulpit which encourage members its assertions regarding Mormon of gay couple Tyler Barrick and to become involved as it suits their practice and belief. A majority of Spencer Jones, who both grew up conscience. interviewees are “former Mor- Mormon and married in San Fran- But what this film portrays mons,” who relate other people’s cisco on June 17, 2008, the film through extensive documentation experiences with Prop 8 (relatives, portrays how Prop 8 was a literal and investigation led by Fred Karg- colleagues and friends) rather than stripping of their marriage rights. er and the California Fair Political first-hand accounts. When the Tyler's mother, Linda Stay, is the Practices Commission, is that the filmmakers could get a practicing real star of the film. She speaks of LDS Church’s efforts in Prop 8 and Mormon to interview on camera, her experience feeling completely other political initiatives are often these speakers represented only torn apart by the Church’s involve- ambitious and extensive, involving extreme racist, bigoted, and incred- ment in Prop 8, which she expe- years of survey, planning, corre- ibly politically incorrect opinions, rienced as a choice of whether to spondence, coalition building, and like those of Utah State Senator support her church or her son. In an training. In the end, methods used Chris Buttars and political activist interview at the Sundance pre- under the direction of church lead- Gayle Ruzicka. miere, Stay said, “These are lives, ers are just as tainted and complex Though the film was clearly the these are families that are being af- as any political scheme, especially outcome of many years of personal Vol. 30, No. 2 Page 33 struggle and heartache with the and Marilyn have made it their LDS church, many of the creators ***** work to lovingly embrace Mormon insisted in interviews leading up to My sense from watch- gays where the LDS institution, and following the film’s debut that, as well as other member-initiated “It’s not an attack,” “It’s not against ing Prop 8 unfold, from efforts, have failed to do so appro- the Mormon church,” and “It’s not speaking with both gays priately. even so much about Mormons as it and Mormons, and from Because of a very long history is about separation of church and of anti-gay rhetoric streaming from state,” while also asserting that watching this documen- the LDS pulpit, even a group of Mormons are the people who most tary, is that Mormons bright, timid young gays attending need to see the film. and gays don’t know each a fireside in the Matis living room As blogger TT on Faith-Pro- can barely speak the word “gay,” moting Rumor writes, “While in other, not really. because getting over all the chilling my view this film succeeds at one authoritative statements Mormons of its primary goals of humanizing ***** have internalized as a people over the issue of same-sex marriage for the past fifty years is no small an audience that may be skeptical he struggled to reconcile his reli- task. Part of the healing comes of such a change, it does so at the gion and orientation and how they with time; the other part must cost of frequently dehumanizing sought peace following his death. come from a steady effort to create Mormons.” For example, prophets In 8:TMP Stewart’s parents refuges for gays, much like the and general authorities are quoted were made to seem cowardly and Matis firesides. When I see some- over distorted images and a dis- dismissive for not being willing thing like 8:TMP I feel even more turbing soundtrack. Angry former to comment or interview for the strongly that this comfort zone with Mormons explain “the Mormon film. They are represented by a homosexuality needs to be created mind,” as if it is homogenous and single quote from their book, given from within the Mormon commu- un-nuanced. without context, about finding nity before any significant shift in In my opinion, one of the peace after Stewart’s death. The policy or practice can occur. greatest shortcomings of the docu- way the filmmakers incorporated Overall, I found this to be a mentary is that in dehumanizing this quote into the documentary worthwhile and thought-provoking Mormons in this way the film often seems deliberately and unfairly to film. Ideally I would recommend a criticizes and dismisses the real lead the audience to believe the Mormon and a homosexual watch struggle and effort coming from Matises (and by association, the this film together, because my within the LDS community to cre- LDS Church) condone suicide as sense from watching Prop 8 unfold, ate a more open dialogue with the an appropriate response to homo- from speaking with both gays and LGBT community. sexuality. What this shockingly low Mormons, and from watching this For me, the strongest example blow fails to acknowledge is the documentary, is that Mormons and of this shortcoming is the film- work the Matises have been doing gays don’t know each other, not makers’ handling of the infamous within the LDS Church to reach out really. In many ways they’ve been suicide of Henry Stewart Matis, to LGBT Mormons and humanize taught to fear one another. And a gay Mormon who very publicly homosexuality in the LDS commu- one of the hardest things for me in committed suicide on the steps of nity by hosting monthly firesides viewing 8:The Mormon Proposi- a Mormon church in California for LGBT Mormons and their fami- tion is that it only seems to con- in 2000. Since their son’s suicide, lies and friends. One of the things tinue this pattern of fear mongering Stewart’s parents, Fred and Mari- the Matises are most known for is between the two minorities. lyn Matis, have become middle- their mantra, “All people want to I watched the film twice, once ground activists for gay Mormons. talk about is the cause and the cure, as a Mormon, once as a lesbian. I They co-authored a memoir about but we’re here for the care.” In realize not everyone can do that, their experience with their son as response to their son’s death, Fred but oh how I wish they could. ■

Page 34 Exponent II Book Review A Call to Care Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity for by Sariah Anne Kell Women Worldwide El Cerrito, California by Nicolas D. Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn Vintage Books, 2009, 254 pages. As the title suggests, Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Op- nal mortality in the developing portunity for Women Worldwide, world. Giving the victims names investigates gender inequality and faces, they portray the suffer- throughout the world with the call ing, audacity, determination, and for readers to address women’s is- hope of those who overcome their sues as “the paramount moral chal- personal history as well as the lenge of the 21st century.” Written heartache of those who do not. This by Pulitzer Prize winning journal- is described vividly with atrocities ists Nicholas D. Kristof and Sheryl such as teenagers who are sold into Wudunn, a married couple who forced prostitution and contract have traveled the world reporting AIDS, women who are raped and on human rights since witnessing forced to marry their perpetrators, the Tiananmen Square massacre, and women who suffer obstetric the book reflects the authors’ own fistulas and become incontinent passion to denounce and spread which leads to ostracization from awareness about all types of human their communities and often death. suffering as well as offer strategies Recognizing the complexities of to change the world. such situations, the authors can- didly discuss how their girl, build a business to support her ***** own efforts to help family after she escaped from her A book with the premise that the sometimes went awry. brothel, and helped sustain organi- oppression of women is an ignored For example, even zations like the Edna Adan Hospital though they bought a in Somaliland, which continues to injustice that requires a grass roots prostitute’s freedom, save women dying from obstetric movement to effect change. she later returned to fistulas. her brothel both as a Another focus of the book ***** consequence of being ex¬plains the success of communi- Through their engaging essays shunned by her home community ties that take care of, educate, and which offer historical context, upon her return home as well as a enable women economically. In heart-breaking yet inspiring sto- drug addiction which was initiated addition to describing how indi- rytelling, excruciating detail, and to keep her compliant when she viduals and families benefit from startling statistics, they show how was held prisoner in the brothel. micro-lending, the book describes education, medical care, and aid But undeterred by complications, how China became an economic can make a difference to women the authors show how individu- power by employing women in fac- and communities throughout the als and organizations can help tories, which although not perfect, world. They focus on three hor- women in difficult circumstances, provided jobs and opportunities rific injustices: sex trafficking and offering the hope and perspective and moved the culture away from forced prostitution; gender-based that people can make a difference. historic foot-binding, concubinage, violence, including honor kill- They describe how international and female infanticide. Half the ings and mass rape; and mater- aid helped Srey Rath, a Cambodian Sky, titled after the Chinese Prov- Vol. 30, No. 2 Page 35 erb “women hold up half the sky,” transforms women’s issues into hu- Global Zion man issues by highlighting how the We are happy to announce our Winter issue will feature Exponent II plight of women is directly linked Founding Mother Judy Dushku discussing her recent humanitarian ef- to global problems like poverty, fort with a group of Mormon women to build housing for former child maternal health, and education. soldiers in Gulu, Nothern Uganda. Her essay will touch on how a com- Although I have always been munity of young women who spent their childhoods in forced servitude, concerned about women’s rights, experiencing the worst traumas of war, still faces a very complex set of reading about the power of individ- challenges, and why she and others feel compelled to give them a voice. uals and charities was a reminder Please enjoy this preview of the group’s visit. to expand my brand of American feminism to include all women worldwide while remembering issues stateside. When I finished reading Half the Sky, I felt compelled to follow its simple suggestions to select and donate to an organization of my choice, look at websites for more information, and encourage people in my daily life to do the same. It made me want to be an activist, to truly show my compassion, concern, and faith by caring for poor and needy women throughout the world. I could appreciate how we are all in this sisterhood together. Half the Sky’s premise is that the oppression of women is an ignored injustice that requires a grass roots movement to effect change. Reading the book is the first step to becoming informed. I hope it continues to motivate many people, whether secular humanists or religious believers, to reach out and help in the global community, even just by helping one person. For me, this resonates with Mormonism which proclaims “And if it so be that you should labor all your days … and save it be one soul … how great shall be your joy ... !” (D&C 18:15). To feel the tremendous moral responsibility to emancipate women and strengthen individuals and communities only brings more passion to the cause. ■ Photos by Kristal Williams Page 36 Exponent II