E X P O N E N T I I

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Southern California Volume 27 Number 3 CONTENTS Exponent II EDITORIAL STAFF Editorial Editor Nancy Dredge Letter from the Guest Editors ...... 3 Guest Editors Caroline Kline Jana Bouck Remy Associate Editors Kate Holbrook Interview Heather Sundahl Lael Littke: A Lifetime of Writing ...... 4 Editorial Assistants Kimberly Burnett Aimee Hickman Pondering the Proclamation on the Family ...... 6 Designers Nancy Dredge Lori F. Smurthwaite Evelyn Harvill Artists Kathryn Knudsen Family Home Evening and Our Forever Family ...... 8 Emma Donaldson Taylor Ruth Hathaway Mauss Photographer Hideko Cannell Business Mgr. Barbara Streeper Taylor Poetry Editor Ann Stone Panel and Roundtable Discussion Guest Poetry Editor Brooke Williams Feminism and Mormon Women Today ...... 12 Book Review Editor Deborah Farmer Production Evelyn Harvill Red Moon and Metaphor...... 18 Rosalynde Frandsen Welch EXECUTIVE BOARD President Aimee Hickman Transformations ...... 20 Secretary Linda Andrews Susan Layton Freitas Treasurer Barbara Streeper Taylor Historian Cheryl Davis DiVito No Swans Allowed ...... 22 BOARD MEMBERS Catherine Vaughan Linda Andrews, Robin Zenger Baker, Kimberly Burnett, Emily Curtis, Cheryl Interview Davis DiVito, Nancy Tate Dredge, Judy Then and Now: Erna Wong...... 26 Rasmussen Dushku, Karen Call Haglund, Evelyn Harvill, Kate Holbrook, Aimee Poetry...... 27 Hickman, Heather Sundahl, Barbara Taylor, Resurrected Thin by B. Jean Williams Laurel Thatcher Ulrich The Fidgeting Ghazal by Brooke Williams Exponent II (ISSN 1094-7760) is published Some News About the Soul by Sunni Brown quarterly by Exponent II Incorporated, a non-profit corporation with no official Negotiating Identity: Keeping My Name ...... 28 connection with The Church of Jesus Christ Amy Hoyt of Latter-day Saints. Articles published represent the opinions of authors only and So I Married a Mormon Feminist ...... 30 not necessarily those of the editor or staff. Mike McBride Letters to Exponent II or its editors and Sisters Speak articles are assumed intended for publication in whole or in part and may therefore be used for such purposes. Copyright © 2005 by Exponent II, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

The purpose of Exponent II is to provide a forum for Mormon women to share their life experiences in an atmosphere of trust and accep- Cover art and artwork on pages 20, tance. This exchange allows us to better understand each other and 27, and 32 by Emma Donaldson shape the direction of our lives. Our common bond is our connection Taylor. Artwork on pages 18 and 22 to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and our commitment to women. We publish this paper as a living history in celebra- by Kathryn Knudsen. Photographs tion of the strength and diversity of women. on pages 4, 13-16 by Hideko Cannell.

2 Exponent II Editorial Letter from the Guest Editors Caroline Kline Jana Bouck Remy

Last summer, Jana and I volunteered to be One of the greatest guest editors for a Southern California issue gifts I’ve ever re- of Exponent II. As young Mormon women— ceived from my Jana has two children and I am just begin- mother is the stack ning to think about starting a family—we of yellowed Exponent were trying to find ways to deal with the II papers that she expectations and roles placed upon us by gave me when I was the Church and by society. As we talked a freshman in col- together at church, during visiting teaching, lege. The articles I and at our UC Irvine graduate student read inspired me, Institute class, we discussed the needs we and the women who saw among the young Mormon women wrote them became around us, who seemed to need a forum to reach out to other my heroines. Among that group of women and learn from each other’s stories and insights. We papers was the 1979 Southern California saw editing our own issue of Exponent II as the perfect vehicle issue that Lael Littke edited. What a to gather these women’s insights and perspectives and to join privilege it is to be following in her foot- the powerful community of women already supporting and steps with this issue! I look forward to empowering each other through the Exponent II readership. the day that I’ll pass a copy of this paper on to my daughter. Perhaps she will find Last fall, during election time, as Jana and I worked on gather- some joy in reading about what her ing articles and organizing our feminist panel, I couldn’t help mother and other women thought about but think of the women who so inspiringly fought for women’s in the early years of the twenty-first cen- rights in our nation’s history: Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Susan tury. Perhaps she will identify with the B. Anthony. As we compiled and edited articles in our own issues and challenges we face. Perhaps attempts to empower the women around us, I began to identify she will see that many things have with Anthony—the childless, intense woman of action, organiz- changed. Hopefully, she will herself be ing and dealing with practical issues. Jana took the role of a subscriber and contributor to Stanton in my mind—thinker, writer, idea-generator, a mother Exponent II. balancing her own pursuits with the needs of her family. The most significant lesson that I’ve In putting together this issue, we were inspired by the first learned in putting this issue together is issues of Exponent II that came out in the 1970s—fiery, frank that Mormon women have so much to attempts to reconcile the gospel with current societal theories share with each other. We may think we and concerns. Like these issues of the past, you may notice the are so different—in age, in color, in mari- bold, forthright tone of many of the articles in this issue. With tal status, in education, and so forth—but many of the contributors in their twenties and thirties, this issue I think we too often let these differences primarily reflects the concerns of women dealing with the divide us. However, these differences expectations of the Southern California communities we live in, give each of us a unique voice and per- as well as the expectations the gospel places upon us women. spective. It’s my hope that this issue, Articles dealing with feminism, body image, and gender roles with its many voices, will inspire each of dominate this issue, tempered with the stories and insights of a you to create a dialogue with the sisters previous generation of women who dealt with similar concerns. in your own community.

Vol. 27, No. 3 3 Interview Lael Littke: A Lifetime of Writing Author Lael Littke is perhaps best writer? What or who influenced dents, I had the opportunity to be known for her books for adolescent your desire to write? the newspaper editor and get a girls, which include a number of start in writing. nationally popular suspense novels, I think the desire to become a such as Haunted Sister and Lake of writer came in the package that How did you reconcile the desire Secrets. She has also produced was me; it was included in my for a writing career with other numerous novels for Deseret Book DNA. As soon as I learned to roles for women emphasized by Company that center around young read, I knew I wanted to write the Church? Mormon girls, among which is the stories. I don’t remember anybody successful Bee Theres series. More influencing this desire except my The only role we were encouraged recently, Lael worked with current seventh and to pursue in my little Church historian Richard E. Turley eighth grade Mormon town was Jr. to co-author the children’s book, English teacher, that of wife and Stories from the Life of Joseph Emil Larson, mother. I wanted Smith. Altogether, Lael has published who told me I that, too, but I want- thirty-nine books. definitely had ed more, and I just an ability to went my own way Lael Littke grew up on a farm in write. I think he about achieving it. Mink Creek, Idaho. After graduating was sent to our from Utah State University, she tiny town just You attended Utah moved to Denver to pursue a career. to teach me how State University. There she met George Littke. They to use that mar- How did family and married and moved to New York velous tool, the friends react to your City, where Lael worked full time English language. He had us decision to move away to attend and studied writing by night. When diagram sentences endlessly, college? In what ways did you her husband was hired to teach politi- for which I’ve always been grate- grow and develop both academi- cal science at Cal State Los Angeles, ful because it taught me structure. cally and personally during your Lael turned her full attention to writ- He loved my tales of dogfights college years? ing once again, eventually teaching and family oddities and neighbor- fiction writing at Pasadena City hood games. My parents definitely encouraged College and the University of education, although I don’t recall California, Los Angeles. What effect, if any, did growing that they ever came right out and up in a small Idaho farm town said it. We kids just absorbed their In 1979, Lael guest edited the previ- have on your desire to write? general attitude, which was that ous Southern California issue of the we should do all we could educa- Exponent II. We felt it was particu- Growing up in my small Idaho tionally—something they had larly appropriate for her to be a farm town influenced my desire never had the opportunity to do. presence in this current Southern to write because I saw so many Neither of them went past the California issue since she was stories that needed writing—not ninth grade although both would so instrumental in bringing about the only about people, but animals as have liked to. first one. well. One of the first stories I sold was titled “The Departure of Old At that time, more and more Lael, now widowed, has one daughter Dammit,” about an old horse we women were starting to attend and currently lives in Pasadena with had. Our school went through ten college, so my determination to five cats. grades, and then we had to go to receive a higher education was Preston (where Napoleon Dynamite not so unusual. Three of my You grew up in times when it was filmed!) for the last two years growing-up girlfriends were my was somewhat unusual for a of high school. In our tiny two- college roommates all four years. Mormon woman to have a career. year Mink Creek High School, We lived off campus in dumpy, How did you decide to become a which boasted twenty-six stu- affordable apartments. We had

4 Exponent II already had experience being tious. So maybe it was his brain novel for a major publisher. It’s away from home because we’d rather than his beauty that first titled Trish for President and is set had to rent rooms in Preston for attracted me—although he was in my hometown of Mink Creek, the last two years of high school. tall, blond, and good looking, too! Idaho. (I used a different name for We did a great deal of growing I think what we appreciated most the town in the book.) Although and developing, not only in being in each other was our common the story is total fiction, a lot of its on our own but also in the domes- interest in the Church and the fact action happens at my old high tic arts since we had to cook and that we supported each other in school, and it reflects a lot of my clean for ourselves. The four of us our individual ambitions. teenage thoughts and my later were able to help one another a philosophies. lot. Since we had grown up What special insights have you together, we knew one another so gained through your experiences How has your faith affected your very well. We were all fairly stu- as a wife and as a mother? Have writing? dious, but we also always had these experiences influenced dates for the dances. One or more your writing? Probably in that my heroines of us was always in love with always have a lot of integrity. some cute boy! I guess you always learn a lot Several of my novels have a about human nature by living Mormon background and the The encouragement of that junior closely with someone else. I characters act accordingly. These high teacher gave me the courage learned that you can’t change a novels are mostly light-hearted to take every writing class avail- husband. You’d better accept him and don’t deal with heavy materi- able at Utah State, which made as he is or else not marry him. I al. However, one titled Blue Skye my ability to write grow. The learned to accommodate. As for is about a little girl abandoned by classes taught by Moyle Q. Rice being a mother—motherhood is her mother, who rides off into the were especially influential. He an infinite and unending educa- sunset with her new husband on loved my Mink Creek stories of tion. The main thing I’ve learned, twin Harleys. The girl finds out the Relief Society “bizarres,” the I guess, is that you must let your what true family is through the gossip at the general store, and children go. I’ve used ideas like people of the town. the woman who fell asleep while this as themes in short stories. dying her hair and almost died Do you feel that your Mormon- from shock over the results. Tell us the writing project that ness is reflected in your non- you are most proud of. Deseret writing? What happened after you graduated from Utah State? Perhaps I am most proud of Yes, definitely. The novels men- my first major magazine sale, a tioned above are not Deseret pub- I graduated with a teaching short story titled “The Day We lications. Even my weird mys- degree but didn’t want to spend Lost Max,” which came right out tery/suspense novels reflect my my life in a small Utah or Idaho of early family observations Mormon-ness, I think. Lake of town, so I went to Denver to join although the story itself is fiction. Secrets starts out with “Families a girlfriend and get a secretarial It was first published in The are forever,” which becomes the job. I met George Littke at the Ladies’ Home Journal and then theme in a different kind of way. Denver First Ward. I was music went on to be republished some- director in MIA and needed a thing like forty-five times in text- What works of Mormon litera- tenor for a show we were produc- books, anthologies, and foreign ture have inspired you the most? ing. Somebody pointed George publications. out to me and said, “That new Probably two novels—Added guy is a tenor.” So I introduced Which of your writing projects is Upon, by Nephi Anderson, and myself, and the rest is history. I the most personal? The Giant Joshua, by Maurine was attracted to him because he Whipple. I read Added Upon, was highly intelligent and ambi- Probably my first Young Adult continued on page 25

Vol. 27, No. 3 5 Pondering the Proclamation on the Family

Lori F. Smurthwaite and women. (Of course, the idea minating in His greatest gift of that men preside in the home is service, the Atonement. If fathers “The Family: A Proclamation to not new to the Proclamation, but take seriously their assignment to the World,” more commonly the Proclamation provides a good “preside over their families in referred to by LDS people as “the example of that idea being linked love and righteousness,” their proclamation on the family,” is with an emphasis on equality.) greatest priority will be to live considered scripture or “near scripture” by many members of I’d like to suggest a different the Church. Its language seems definition of preside that is straightforward and simple, but supported by the as with other scripture, when I Proclamation as well as by study and ponder it, I discover other counsel given us by ideas in it that I do not fully Church leaders. This defini- understand. When I’ve shared my tion is much closer to that of thoughts about the Proclamation the Latin root word praesidere, with other LDS men and women, one meaning of which is “to I’ve found that I am not the only guard” or “to sit at the head one with questions, but many of of” in order to protect. A us are not sure how to go about guard is one who serves and asking them. So I want to raise protects others. A father who two questions, offer tentative guards his family serves and answers in response, and invite protects family members by continued discussion. fulfilling their physical and spiritual needs. The concept First, I’ve encountered a number of presiding as guarding is of Church members who are clear in the admonition to confused by the seeming contra- fathers that immediately fol- diction in the following lines: lows the word preside—”to love, worthily so that they can use their protect, and provide the necessi- priesthood to provide service in By divine design, fathers are to pre- ties of life” for their families. This the home and to strengthen and side over their families in love and definition is also supported by protect family members spiritual- righteousness and are responsible to Church counsel, which consistent- ly through priesthood ordinances provide the necessities of life and pro- ly describes presiding as serving and blessings. tection for their families. Mothers are and caring for the family, not con- primarily responsible for the nurture trolling it. Because preside suggests service of their children. In these sacred rather than hierarchy, fathers who responsibilities, fathers and mothers This definition may seem too gen- do not hold the priesthood also are obligated to help one another as eral because it makes no useful preside over (or guard) their equal partners. (emphasis mine) distinction between the roles of families when they address the fathers and mothers; however, spiritual and physical needs of By conventional definition, some- LDS fathers serve and care for the family members so that the one who presides occupies a place family in ways that differ from important work of rearing chil- of authority or control. The word what mothers do. LDS fathers dren flourishes. By this definition, preside seems to set up a hierarchy who hold the priesthood are given fathers can simultaneously pre- in the family with men at the top. the authority to act in the name of side in the home and be equal It is hard to reconcile that defini- Christ, using Him as their exam- partners with mothers. tion of preside with the word equal. ple. The Savior’s life was one of The words seem to contradict service; His highest priority was The second apparent contradic- each other and suggest two differ- to fulfill the spiritual and physical tion of the ideal of equal partner- ent relationships between men needs of those around Him, cul- ship arises in the traditional

6 Exponent II division of labor (fathers as bread- these lines parents are equally God’s foremost role is that of a winners and mothers as nur- charged with both responsibilities: nurturing Father. Perhaps we turers) suggested by the statement to nurture their children and pro- should not assume, then, that nur- that fathers provide for their fami- vide for their needs. When the turing capacities are either inher- lies while women are “primarily idea of accountability is intro- ently stronger in women or more responsible for the nurturing of duced, no differentiation of roles important for them to develop. their children.” The phrase “pri- is made based on gender. This We do not yet know much about marily responsible for” seems to suggests that the concept of the specific roles of men and exclude by definition the idea of shared stewardship is more accu- women in the eternities, but we equal partnership. In my observa- rate than the idea that tion, this assignment of responsi- mothers and fathers bilities is interpreted by some LDS have separate respon- ...[T]he role of parent is people to mean that fathers do not sibilities. need to be as active in the daily the most important eternal tasks of child rearing as mothers. In fact, the concept of But if she is doing most of the shared stewardship role for which both genders work, he is not an equal partner. makes for healthy are preparing. family relationships Here I’ll borrow words of wisdom because it leaves from a former bishop and coun- room for women to have interests do know that both men and selor in a stake presidency who and commitments outside of the women will be nurturers of chil- reminded me that, as with all call- home and for men to be actively dren. We know this because, ings or roles in life that have a involved in the lives of their chil- through revelation, we have spiritual component, it is essential dren. I think it is dangerous to learned something of the eternal to remember the concept of stew- suggest that men can afford to be nature of family relationships, ardship. One who has steward- less involved in any aspect of including our identity as spirit ship oversees the work but does child rearing than their wives children of Heavenly Parents. If not necessarily work alone. If we because this assumption may lead our Heavenly Father acts as both apply the concept of stewardship men to fail to prepare themselves nurturer and administrator, it is to the proclamation, we might for their most important eternal logical to wonder whether our conclude that mothers oversee the role: Father. In a world where Heavenly Mother does as well. rearing of children while fathers men are already too often unin- Although I hope we will yet oversee the provision of necessi- volved in the daily lives of their receive revelation that teaches us ties, but nowhere is it suggested children, it makes no sense to more about the roles of and rela- that either should do the bulk of downplay the role of father in the tionship between our Heavenly the work alone. In fact, quite the lives of LDS men. Once a woman Parents, we have already received opposite is true. or a man becomes a parent, that sufficient revelation to know that role is most important. the role of parent is the most An earlier paragraph of the important eternal role for which proclamation reads, “Parents have That truth is clear when we look both genders are preparing. a sacred duty to rear their chil- at the example of our Father in dren in love and righteousness, to Heaven. He does not assume He I hope that my ideas will encour- provide for their physical and has less capacity than women to age continued discussion, but I spiritual needs, to teach them to nurture, as is sometimes assumed don’t pretend that they are any- love and serve one another . . .” of mortal men, nor does He leave thing more than partial and sub- The statement continues, His parenting responsibilities to jective answers. I’ve always taken “Husbands and wives—mothers His partner. It seems a little great comfort in the ninth Article and fathers—will be held account- strange to me that we continue to of Faith, which emphasizes our able before God for the discharge emphasize the woman’s role as LDS faith in the reality of ongoing of these obligations.” Note that in nurturer when it is apparent that continued on page 21

Vol. 27, No. 3 7 Family Home Evening and Our Forever Family

Ruth Hathaway Mauss in the home,” the Church he would soon write a Family launched a comprehensive weekly Constitution, specifying the exact A very long time ago—in fact, family home evening program in rules of conduct that we would all more than half a century ago—my 1965, complete with a manual of vote to uphold. The children were husband Armand and I decided to lessons and activities for the guid- impressed with the importance of get married and start our family. ance of parents. (See the account the occasion, and there was a live- Like most other young couples, in Daniel H. Ludlow, ed., The ly exchange of ideas for finding we thought we knew enough Encyclopedia of Mormonism, 1992: solutions to the endless array of about life to deal with whatever 495-97.) family problems. Our oldest chil- we might encounter. Not surpris- dren were so excited that they ingly, after having the first of our As early as November of 1959, ended this portentous occasion by eight children, we soon became however, we had already decided voluntarily singing rousing rendi- aware that children do not come to bring a semblance of order out tions of their favorite Primary with an instruction manual and of the chaos in our family with a hymns. They were rewarded with perhaps we didn’t know as much regular schedule of family meet- ice cream and cookies for such as we thought we did. The expert ings in accord with the emphasis attentive behavior. That first on raising children in those good Pres. McKay was beginning to meeting lasted almost one hour old days was Dr. Benjamin and was duly recorded Spock, who mostly told par- by me. ents how to keep children alive from day to day but During the following not how to deal with the year, we introduced a emotional ups and downs rotating chore chart with and daily unexpected a system of merits and events that challenged our demerits. Armand and social equilibrium and good the boys would take care tempers. Our secondary of outside tasks; the two resource was well-meaning girls and I would be friends and relatives, whose responsible for house- advice, of course, varied hold jobs. We also set up widely in reliability. a suggestion box for depositing requests for Although “Home Evenings” discussion of problems had been recommended by and reporting achieve- the First Presidency as early as stress on their importance. Our ments and other items of histori- 1915, the need for them was not recollections of these memorable cal importance. Our children once very widely appreciated until the times are taken from four volumes again responded with enthusiasm, post-World II “baby boom,” when of Family Home Evening (FHE ) but our two daughters expressed Latter-day Saints, even more than minutes that we faithfully record- their concerns that issues would other Americans, produced rela- ed across two decades. We started be settled in a fair and equitable tively large families in proliferat- these meetings on the last Friday manner, given the predominant ing suburbs. These demographic of every month at 8 P.M., which male majority in our home. changes strained the bonds allowed me to put the two between generations and left younger boys in bed so that By 1962, Armand had abandoned many new families without the Armand and I could engage the his intention to write a formal social and religious supports that four older children in a construc- constitution and announced that small towns had earlier provided. tive discussion. henceforth we would abide by Finally, in response to President the British constitutional system— McKay’s dictum that “No other At our first meeting, Armand that is, a series of precedents. success can compensate for failure stated with great confidence that After all, we now had a written

8 Exponent II record of more than two years of in the task of recording the FHE charm-school (?!) course; the three discussions and agreements minutes. The increased work middle boys were progressing about rules and policies. We also involved in caring for two infants dutifully through the scouting decided that the age for participa- prompted our second daughter to program; and our bonus boys, at tion by our youngest child should inquire if there was a distinction the ages of four and three, were be age five, after the civilizing between boys’ work and girls’ enjoying these years as indulged process acquired from Primary work, as there seemed to be a lop- family pets. The six older children and Sunday School attendance. sided balance in chores assigned were benefiting from the musical Our suggestion box was now to the girls compared to those for education they had begun at age realistically referred to as the the boys. Since neither Armand eight, which included piano, flute, “gripe box,” and with the increase nor the boys could adequately jus- trumpet, clarinet, and violin in the range of problems being tify the existing arrangement, lessons. All eight were enthusias- considered at each meeting, we tasks were assigned thereafter tic vocalists, and our family home resolutely moved forward with a without regard to gender. evenings were often rather decision to have two meetings raucous and boisterous. each month, on the first and third In 1966, a much-needed Family Sunday evenings. Home Evening manual—with its In April, 1967, Armand accepted a weekly lessons, songs, and sug- faculty position at Utah State Our oldest son was now age ten gested activities—was provided University in Logan, Utah. and asked if he could take a paper by the Church. According to the Moving from an urban area in route as some of his friends were new instructions, no competing California to a smaller, more rural doing. This request led to regular Church meetings or activities town in Utah prompted several discussions about financial mat- were to be scheduled on Monday FHE lessons on the cultural differ- ters—what tasks called for com- evenings, with the express intent ences between Utah and pensation and how to deal with of allowing time for Family Home California and what we might money in general. We also agreed Evenings. This welcome instruc- encounter in attitudes and accep- to give an allowance to our older tion came at a crucial juncture for tance. Contrary to comments we children based on a sliding scale, our family because we were mov- had heard from some LDS friends according to their ages and needs. ing into an intense period of inter- that the Church was “always the This decision led to a series of dis- action—namely, the teenage same” wherever they went, we cussions about the importance of years. The manual’s comprehen- soon found that our Church com- learning to be reliable and respon- sive and adaptable material was munities had distinct differences sible workers, savings accounts, designed to include appropriate as well as the usual commonali- paying tithing, deferred gratifica- lessons for various age levels. Of ties. The advance preparation tion, accepting consequences for course, some topics and issues served us well because our entire one’s actions—in general, learning were not covered in these manu- family—including Armand and to be responsible citizens in the als, but we were resourceful and me—had to make adjustments. home and larger community. creative in finding additional Because the children’s social skills books with appropriate informa- and musical talents were valued, By the end of 1963, we had been tion for our family. We forged and thanks to their years of FHE blessed with the births of two ahead with a meeting schedule of verbal exchanges, our older chil- more sons, which significantly Monday evenings as suggested. dren found acceptance readily in changed the family dynamics. We high school and middle school. reverted to delaying the start of The year of 1966 was a year of Our next three sons were not so family meetings until the two achievement and increasing matu- fortunate and were constantly youngest could be put in bed. rity for our older children. Our sparring with schoolmates about Because of predictable interrup- first son, age fourteen, received the lifestyle in California com- tions for me having to do with the his Eagle Scout award; our two pared to that in Utah. younger children, our three older daughters completed a seven- continued on page 10 children eagerly agreed to share week “Modern Mormon Miss”

Vol. 27, No. 3 9 Family Home Evening continued from page 9

Armand did not find a comfort- family now consisted of Armand flexibility and relativity in consid- able fit at Utah State University and me and the two youngest ering the more abstract values, and, just two years later, we again boys. We continued to have infor- absolutes, and ambiguities. After prepared our family for a move, mal family meetings but no longer an occasional lengthy and infor- this time to Washington State recorded them, probably because mative sermon from Armand, the University in Pullman, our family had arrived at a more children would ponder what they Washington. We would be going agreeable and peaceful stage and had heard and then come to me to to a similar small college town but our two boys had thoroughly try out their thoughts and conclu- one that was drawn from a absorbed the family rules and sions. Of course, Armand and I greater range of religious commu- traditions they had learned from were closely connected to the nities. We were hopeful that life in us and their siblings. scholarly community and had southeastern Washington would access to an increasing number of be far enough from the strife and In the process of reviewing our books and articles about Church social upheaval that was taking Family Home Evening minutes history, doctrines, and policies, place at that time in more urban in this sentimental stroll down which with varying success we settings, especially in California. memory lane, I recognize several encouraged our children to themes that constitute some consult in order to get a wider Pullman proved to be a secure lessons learned from our shared perspective beyond our basic and relatively stress-free environ- experiences. These thoughts, FHE lessons. ment during the next ten years as set forth here, might seem while our family navigated its idealized because they are distilla- The Importance of Opportunities way through rapidly changing tions that do not include all the for Expression circumstances. The flexible and rough-and-tumble experiences consistent material in the FHE along the way. Our family members relished the manuals contributed to the opportunities to share ideas and structure and stability we were Teaching Basic Values—Milk perspectives about a wide range striving for. With all the children Before Meat of issues, and there were frequent in school, I was able to find pleas- arguments. As parents, we real- ant employment, first with a fran- The FHE lesson material is ized that each child had a distinct chise for the newspaper being designed to be flexible in present- and unique disposition and per- delivered by our sons, then as a ing concepts for a range of ages sonality. The children’s learning police dispatcher, and eventually and maturity levels. A basic patterns were different, as well as on the university staff, which understanding of gospel princi- their emotional responses to rules enabled me finally to finish my ples, starting with the Articles of and discipline, but all were college education. By 1973, our Faith, acceptance of an openness encouraged to bring up topics that oldest son and two daughters had to spirituality, developing empa- mattered to them. Especially graduated from high school, thy, and expressing and showing when the children were quite found employment, started col- love for each other were just the young, there were outbursts of lege, and moved away from beginnings of simple but bedrock anger, many instances of yelling home. By 1975, our oldest son had values within our religious frame- and even tears with hurt feelings, returned from a mission and was work. If we had paused to con- but also many moments of humor married, our second son was serv- sider the immense task ahead of as somebody would break the ten- ing a mission, the third son was us of instilling sound principles in sion with a well-timed quip or working and living on his own, our children, we may not have joke. Through it all, we tried to and our fourth son was now a been so courageous, but as the old help one another find better and senior in high school. saying goes, “We didn’t have to more constructive ways to inter- consume the whole elephant in act. The process of repentance By the end of 1979, when we one day!” As our family went and the act of giving and receiv- recorded the minutes of our last through the usual stages of devel- ing forgiveness were especially official Family Home Evening, our opment, we gradually introduced important in creating bonds of

10 Exponent II trust and loyalty in our family. church, serving and sharing with daughters into the family in the All of us learned to be less judg- others, paying tithing, participat- birth order of numbers two and mental about ourselves and oth- ing in church and community three. In my daughters I had two ers. We all made mistakes, but we events, respecting and not impos- allies to share and promote a would not share this information ing on others, taking pride in hard female perspective in a predomi- outside the family. Armand and work, setting and striving to reach nantly male household. Our I especially made progress in goals, making clear distinctions daughters and I contributed adjusting our attitudes and between good and bad choices alternative viewpoints about how becoming more adept and flexible were all attributes we continued to make decisions, solve in accommodating the variety of to incorporate into our lives. problems, make compromises, opinions and viewpoints. Since we were living in the infor- and show compassion. In general, mation age and received so many we were more inclined to use To this day, our favorite activity is examples of negative behavior gentle persuasion than were arranging a family gathering to from the media and other sources, Armand and the brothers. This celebrate birthdays, share reports we had many examples to discuss, female influence had positive of achievements and mishaps, and both good and bad. Unfortun- results on our sons, who were engage in animated discussions. ately, we found that sometimes highly regarded as missionaries the bad examples not only for their domestic skills, occurred within our but also for their kinder, gentler ... [G]iving and receiving Church communities ways of dealing with their com- and even in our fami- panions. Our younger daughter, forgiveness were. . .important ly. Since it was not who was once accused by her our responsibility to older brother Mike of “thirsting in creating bonds of trust make judgments for power,” found in later life and loyalty in our family. about others, we felt opportunities for power in sympathy for those different paths. At the start of Armand and I try not to give who were struggling to achieve every school year, she now gets unsolicited advice to our now repentance and forgiveness. a completely new group of middle-aged children. kindergarten students to mold Creating enjoyable family tradi- into competent first-graders and Paradoxical as it might seem, we tions through family activities was possible future leaders. learned that frank and vigorous another positive influence for us. argumentation, even contention, Many of our family traditions In conclusion, to paraphrase across the years in Family Home centered on the musical talents another author, “Almost every- Evenings eventually produced the cultivated by Armand and most of thing we needed to know, we love and respect now so apparent our children. Our children enjoy learned in Family Home in the frequent interactions of our immensely sharing their musical Evening.” The trip with our fami- adult children. None of us would skills in church and community ly continues and we are enjoying claim to have arrived at perfection performances. A favorite the journey. yet, but it is obvious that our Christmas Eve activity every children all enjoy each other year is for the family to gather The mother of eight, grandmother of enormously and frequently reflect for a rousing performance of twenty-one, and great-grandmother on our FHE encounters. Handel’s Messiah, singing until all of three, Ruth lives in Irvine, are hoarse. California, with Armand, her hus- The Importance of Example, band of fifty-four years. Ruth writes Tradition, and Family Rituals Male and Female Perspectives family history, is an avid consumer of are Not the Same the literature in Mormon Studies, FHE lessons stress the importance and is regularly sought out by her of setting good examples for I was always convinced divine husband as his most incisive critic of others. Regular attendance at intervention brought our two his own writing.

Vol. 27, No. 3 11 Feminism and Mormon Women Today A Panel and a Cross-Generational Roundtable Discussion In 2003, Peggy Fletcher Stack, in her Lael Littke we wanted to be when we grew now famous article in The Salt Lake up. The other five obediently said, Tribune (4 October 2003), asked I grew up on a farm in Mink “Wife and mother.” I said, “I want “Where Have All the Mormon Creek, Idaho. One of my daily to be a writer.” Feminists Gone?” This question was tasks when school was out was to of great interest to a group of take the cows to a summer pas- Sister Anderson blinked. “Don’t Mormon feminists who had noticed ture. I herded them along, making you want to be a wife and a what seemed to be a generational dis- sure they all stayed together and mother?” she asked. connect between us and the women that none of them wandered off to who were writing and speaking about follow her own fancy and then “Of course I do,” I said. “But I feminism twenty-five years ago. funneled them all through the also want to be a writer.” Where were these women who had gate to the same destination. worked so hard to empower us a Many years later, when I was quarter of a century ago? Had their I mention this because I used to engaged to be married, I remem- views changed? How well did their ponder life as I rode along on my bered that Beehive teacher, and ideas reflect the concerns of their horse, and one day it occurred to I wondered if I could really be a younger counterparts? How do the me that, as a Mormon female, I good wife and mother if I fol- two generations reconcile their faith was being herded along, too, to lowed my own fancy like those and their feminism? the same “pasture” as all the other old cows used to try to do. When young women I knew. That my fiancé George and I went With these questions in mind, we set “pasture” was called “wife and home from Denver to meet each about organizing a panel and round- mother.” It was obvious from other’s parents, I made an table discussion, which took place on what we were taught that this was appointment with a former November 13, 2004. Sixteen Mormon the only acceptable destination. Institute teacher I had especially feminists from Southern California enjoyed. I spoke with him, laying met together at a common room on I had nothing against going there. my dilemma out for him and the UC Irvine campus to open up an I wanted to get married. I wanted telling him how much I wanted inter-generational dialogue about children. But I wanted to visit to become a writer. He leaned Mormon women’s issues. Four other pastures first. I wanted to back, steepled his hands, smiled panelists gave short personal presen- find out what I could do with beatifically, and said, “Oh, Lael, tations: Lael Littke, author, and Lorie whatever talents I had. I wanted when you hold your first baby in Winder Stromberg, Mormon feminist to get an education. your arms, you'll forget all about activist, represented the voices of that stuff.” older women who had lived through The conventional wisdom coming the era of ERA feminism. Amelia down from the pulpit, in my ward Out of that remark, a feminist was Parkin, UC Irvine graduate student at least, was that women should born. I became a women’s advo- in English, and Jana Bouck Remy, seek an education but only to cate. I have never put down being UC Irvine graduate student in histo- make them better wives and a wife and mother because I ry, spoke as younger Mormon femi- mothers. As far as going off to believe that is where the great nists. A roundtable discussion, in see the world, that was danger- warm heart of womanhood is. But which audience members were invited ous. Dark things were lurking out for many of us, there must be to raise questions and make com- there. As for fulfilling my destiny more. Contrary to what that ments, followed each panelist’s pre- —developing my talents—that Institute teacher said, I did not sentation. was selfish unless it contributed forget all “that stuff” when I held to my being a better wife and my baby in my arms. I loved her The following are excerpts from the mother. as completely as any mother ever four panelists’ presentations and the loved a child, but I also knew that roundtable discussion, which we have When I was a Beehive girl, one I would continue to pursue a writ- grouped into categories. Mutual night our teacher asked ing career. And I would encour- the six of us girls in the class what age other women who had

12 Exponent II dreams not to abandon them. I have had both a lovely family When the issue of power and life and also a career as a writer. influence arises, Mormon femi- I spoke my mind for the twenty- Nobody gave me permission. I nists are derisively accused of two years that I taught Relief just did it. being power hungry, as if want- Society. Then I was released and ing power were necessarily a bad asked to be a counselor in the YW. Lorie Winder Stromberg thing. And it is, if it is only seen The bishop said he wanted me as coercive and controlling. But there specifically because I was I’ve been a Mormon feminist I’ve spent too many years on the the kind of woman I was. activist for over thirty years. I date defensive about this subject. It’s time I took the offen- I’ve learned to accom- sive and owned the modate. I've learned term. Perhaps I am to be a Mormon on power hungry . . . my own terms. I’ve learned to love the If by power hungry people of the you mean I believe Church—not only the women must have a women but also the voice in the Church, men, especially those then, yes, I’m power who are like my hus- hungry. band was—not the problem but part of If by power hungry the solution. you mean I desire the ability not only to I think things are bet- accept responsibilities ter these days. At least Lael Littke laughs at a comment Lorie Stromberg makes. in the institutional women are allowed to my feminism from 1973, when I Church but to be pray in sacrament meetings! was invited by a BYU Family part of defining what those Young women are told to “be Home Evening sister to attend a responsibilities are, then, yes, I'm everything that you can be.” In meeting of the Utah Valley power hungry. her article (“Where Have All the Chapter of the Women’s Political Mormon Feminists Gone?”), Caucus. The discussion focused If by power hungry you mean I Peggy Stack quotes President on the Equal Rights Amendment, believe that women should not Hinckley as saying, “. . . study which had passed through only be represented but should be your options. Pray to the Lord Congress in 1972 and was being an integral part of every major earnestly for direction. Then pur- ratified by the states. I was con- decision-making body of the sue your course with resolution. verted. However, it took me a few Church, then, yes, I’m power The whole gamut of human years to take my newfound femi- hungry. endeavor is now open to women.” nist sensibilities from the secular to the religious arena. If by power hungry you mean I I have always felt empowered, would welcome a heightened abil- maybe because I took whatever When the Church came out ity to bless the lives of others, then power I was given and “magni- against the ERA, I initially ques- yes, I’m power hungry. fied my calling,” not always stay- tioned my commitment to the ing within the prescribed bound- controversial amendment. Finally, if by power hungry you aries but never being shrill about However, after reexamining all mean I want the ability to partici- it. A good friend told me I got the arguments, I decided I could pate in a model of power based away with it because I did it not in good conscience support on partnership rather than patri- gently. Quietly. the Church's position. archy, based on empowerment continued on page 14

Vol. 27, No. 3 13 Feminism and Mormon Women Today continued from page 13 rather than submission, then, And women did pursue educa- woman!]—the intelligent part—is yes, I’m power hungry. UCLA tion. But in my major—English— as immortal as, and is coequal professor Scott Bartchy gave a many of them were in my classes with, God Himself.” I believe that presentation at a Sunstone sympo- because English was a good, Jesus Christ is my exemplar and I sium in which he declared that pleasant major—a nice thing for am to become everything that he Christ came to overthrow tradi- a cultured woman to do. And is. Everything. Not just the nur- tional models of power that were really, there was no need to turing, gentle parts of what He is. based on domination, coercion, prepare for a future. I am also to be powerful. To learn and control. In their place, he to create life. To love perfectly. To offered a model of power in I became frustrated with the role stand in passive but powerful which power is only used to that had been assigned to women. resistance to the inequalities and empower. Power used to coerce Wife. Mother. Period. My primary injustices of this world. Because I or dominate will always burn concern when it comes to believe these things, I can’t simply itself out, suggested Bartchy. Mormon feminism is the issue of be a wife and mother. I will be a Only power used to empower is female identity formation, of wife and a mother and many everlasting. allowing female individuals the things beyond. Good things. opportunity to become that which Strong things. Just as by power I do not mean they will become, rather than domination or coercion but rather merely that which they, by defini- But how does one become these voice and influence and empow- tion, already are. things if there is a structure in erment, so by hungry I do not place that prevents that? I don’t mean gluttony. I’m talking about I am not a quiet feminist. I have have an easy answer to this prob- sustenance. I'm talking about a talked and written about these lem, but I believe that structural soul-deep yearning for a ideas a lot. So I was surprised change will only come after indi- life-sustaining, sacramental meal when I found myself a bit at a loss viduals change. Women must first to which all are invited. as to how to respond to Peggy show that they are intelligent and Fletcher Stack’s article. I don’t strong as well as loving and gen- [For the full text of Lorie Winder have a problem with the per- tle. Women must become all that Stromberg’s remarks on women and ceived power imbalance. In the they know they can become. As power in the LDS Church, see world of disappearing Mormon we are accepted as individuals, “Power Hungry,” Sunstone, No. feminists alluded to by Stack fem- others will necessarily change. 135, December 2004, pp. 60-61.] inism is equated with protest. Policies will change. New oppor- And I do not protest. I believe tunities will open themselves. Amy Parkin protest to be coun- terproductive. Jana Bouck Remy I have identified Protest doesn’t speak to the myself as a fem- When I married at age twenty-one Mormon masses. It inist for almost and soon became pregnant, I was pushes them away. ten years. My in the final year of my studies as a feminism began pre-med student. At that time, I My brand of femi- at BYU, where I hit a wall and lost my desire to nism has to do with found myself pursue a career. I wanted to quit taking very serious- frustrated with my jobs and create a cozy nest for ly some key the lacka-daisi- my soon-to-be-born child. I want- Mormon doctrines. cal acceptance ed to greet my husband at the I believe Joseph of male and door each evening with a kiss; I Smith when he says female roles. wanted to be nothing more than a in the King Follett Men and stay-at-home mom. This desire Discourse that “the women there was applauded on all sides by my Amy Parkin mind of man [and were equals. family and my church friends.

14 Exponent II Oddly enough, it was in those Mormon women today “take for women, I expect that we can first years of at-home-ness that I equality between men and women create networks of Mormon discovered Mormon feminism. I on a personal and professional feminists within our own spheres read through my Mom’s old level as a given.” She says, “It’s to forge relationships with each issues of the Exponent II from the not even a question . . . [Mormon other that transcend ecclesiastical 1970s and 80s. I logged on to the women] expect to balance family or institutional organizations. Mormon Internet world and and career and presume the learned that several Mormon Church’s approval.” We grew up women had been excommuni- in an era of greater social equality Roundtable Discussion: cated for their writings. I read for men and women, and so we Women’s Issues Changing Over Mormon Sisters, Mormon Enigma, expected the same in our lives. Time and Mormon Women Speak. I expect that my husband will Caroline: Sophia, as a feminist, It was after the birth of my second choose a job where he will be how did you handle things during child that I began to feel dissatis- available to care for our children the time of the ERA? fied with being a stay-at-home as needed. I expect that he can mom. After serving in several cook, clean, and nurture just as Sophia: I lived here in Southern Primary presidencies and spend- well as I can. I expect him to California at the time. I had two ing several winter support me or three girlfriends who were of months indoors with through my opinion, so we just didn’t get small children while my school just as involved in the debates. I remem- husband pursued gradu- I have him. I ber one woman who came to talk ate studies, I realized expect to be against it who said, “If the ERA that more than anything treated as an passes, we’ll have unisex bath- I wanted a second equal by rooms.” And I thought, “If that’s chance at my academic men at the worst thing that will happen, career, and I didn’t want church. I will that really bother anybody?” to wait eighteen years expect that We just distanced ourselves from until my kids were no one can the frenetic behavior around us grown to pursue my tell me how and were looked at as weird. studies. As I talked to to plan my other young mothers, I family or Judy: There was a time when I learned that few of them how to plan thought the Church just lagged felt entirely satisfied my career. I twenty-five years behind in terms with a domestic role. Jana Bouck Remy, holding up expect to fin- of women’s roles, but now I see Few felt that the the first Southern California ish graduate more of a retreat. Do you really Church’s urging for Exponent II issue. school and think that there will be any women to “be in the have my kids change in women’s roles in the home” was fair. We talked about cheer me on as I get my diplo- Church? nineteenth century Mormon ma—just as I will for them when women who fought for suffrage; it’s their turn. I expect to work as Sophia: You young women we started meeting in book a team with my husband as we should be able to answer this groups, in writers’ groups, in make choices for our family’s much better than we older ones. playgroups—wherever we could future together. Don’t you see a change in find space to discuss our feelings. women’s lives compared to what Just as I expect all of these things, we experienced? The whole In some ways our issues were I also expect to make meaningful gamut of things to do is open to different from those that we read contributions to each of the wards women now, which really wasn’t about from the 1970s and 80s. As I live in. Even if the Church is the case when I was a child. historian Jill Derr has said, young slow to make large-scale changes contineud on page 16

Vol. 27, No. 3 15 Feminism and Mormon Women today continued from page 15

Brooke: I was just in a Young fresh direction Women’s presidency. I think because obviously what direction young women are what we did didn’t pointed in all depends on individ- work. ual wards and leaders. I could emphasize the part of the lesson Shannon: It did that says go out and get an educa- work! I’m a tion and have a career and you convert to the can still be a mom but put less Church. I didn’t have emphasis on other parts of the mentors or positive lesson. I’m encouraged. influences in my own family. But Young Sandra: I think there is a Women’s made me a progress. When I was in Young feminist. My leaders I’ve done at church is disconnect. Women’s, all of the lessons were weren’t career women—they were I don’t speak out anymore. I go to about being a righteous young moms—but they taught me that I church and I take what I want woman, getting married in the could do what I wanted. I found from it. But it’s also that discon- temple, and that was the end of my experience at BYU to be radi- nect that’s made it okay. The the story. Then when I started cally feminizing. I don’t feel peace between the two is that I no going to college, I heard, “Oh, it’s silenced at church. I feel silenced longer feel that I can change the good for women to get an educa- in other areas of my life, but for situation in the Church. tion because that way you can be me it’s always been the Church a better mother.” So it’s a progres- that’s given me voice. I can’t Mary Ellen: It wasn’t until I sion, but it’s still limited, held in abandon that. So there is a genera- physically and emotionally dis- place by the culture of what men tion like me that has found connected myself recently that I expect from us and what we as empowerment. found power within myself. This women have come to expect was when Proposition 22 (Defense because we learn these things Lorie: There appears to be a grow- of Marriage Act) was on the ballot from the men. ing gap between Church and soci- in California. I got so sick of hear- etal norms for women. Will the ing about it at church that I wrote I remember going to a General Church eventually change, or will letters to leaders saying, “I don’t Relief Society Conference recently it become increasingly more con- agree with this proposition. I’ve and being angry that the leaders servative by comparison? come to a different conclusion were talking about motherhood after my own soul-searching, and and being a wife and that was the Jana: I think it is becoming more you are messing with my spiritual limit. And I thought, “Why am I conservative, but over the pulpit equilibrium by talking about it here? I don’t need to hear this.” there’s an acknowledgement of every Sunday. I’m not going to Then Sheri Dew spoke about working women and there’s church until after the election.” I being a disciple of Christ. It was absolutely acknowledgment of just left it at that, and there was so refreshing to hear that it didn’t women who aren’t married. no repercussion. have anything to do with being a This acknowledgment constitutes mother and wife. She just focused an accommodation at an institu- Roundtable Discussion: Male on being a disciple and how that tional level. and Female Roles doesn’t depend on our relationship with others; it only depends Roundtable Discussion: The Judy: My husband and I are both on our relationship with God. Disconnect professors. It’s been a great com- bination for our kids. Since they Sue: I’m delighted that so many Judy: There is a real disconnect were born we’ve both had jobs younger women are here—that between my professional life and and we have shared the responsi- we have fresh faces going in a my church life, so essentially what bility for the kids. My husband

16 Exponent II took my baby daughter or son to ladder?”—the assumption being Hilda: When my husband comes department meetings, or some- that the husband is going to keep back from Priesthood meeting, he times I did. To them, it is perfectly moving up his career path, and if always says they tell the men that normal that they have as much the wife wants to do something, they have to let their wives go out association with their dad as with like go to school, she has to mold and seek education or whatever. me. He really knows everything her life to his. Yet, looking at the So I think it’s happening. about our kids. Sharing this nur- Proclamation on the family or turing role really works for us. I anything that prophets have said, Mary Ellen: It’s in men’s interests think it’s a fabulous model for to have two parents in the home to support women and what we our kids. on a regular basis is far superior want to do and for us to attain our in every way to having an absent potential. And some of them don’t Lorie: What happens when they father and a nurturing mother. get that. It’s an educational hear conflicting stuff at church? process. But think how much Judy: But the men can stand up at more it would enrich your family Judy: That’s part of what we’re the pulpit and say, “I have done if you were able to learn and trying to figure out. I thought nothing in parenting my children; grow as your own person. That’s Primary was the safe place to be, my wife deserves all the credit” good for you, for him, and for but recently a leader got up and and they’re applauded for doing your kids. said, “What do mothers do? What so. If a woman stood up and said, do fathers do?” and I thought, “I’ve done nothing for my chil- Trista: If a woman wants to do “Oh, no, Primary isn’t even a very dren; it’s my husband who something outside the home, safe place to be.” deserves all the credit for what there is often a sense of judgment they are . . .” from other women. I think that What I see in my own life is the the greatest impetus that we can difference between the principle Shannon: It’s important to have for change is the support of and prescription. I see the Church remember, though, that it’s not other women. A destructive force leaning more and more towards the fault of the Church that it is enters in when women choose to prescription. So I would ask, difficult when both parents work. judge each other vis à vis whether “Don’t you feel that in your It’s the way that American society they’re not feminist enough or too choices you are following the is set up that makes it hard for us feminist. This judgmental attitude principle that the family comes to have those choices. It’s been is defeatist to the women’s move- first?” I’m not doing it as the this way for so long that change is ment, to us, and to any sort of Church prescribes, but in our difficult. This problem really spiritual growth. family, the family definitely doesn’t have anything to do with comes first. I think that that’s a the Church. really important distinction. Judy: Whatever women choose in Jana: I’ve received some criticism equal partnership with their hus- as a result of my decision to go to bands is fine. I think the problem school full time, but my husband is when women don’t have a has received much, much more. choice or they choose a role for The reason for this is that we left a certain reasons and then they’re suburban ward and moved to an criticized. apartment on campus so I could go to school. My husband took a Jana: The Church reinforces the pay cut by getting a job on cam- model of separate spheres for men pus with flexible hours so he and women. And if the higher could be home more with the chil- model is parents’ working togeth- dren. Everyone said to him, “Why er, then why is that not at least would you move down the being encouraged at any level?

Vol. 27, No. 3 17 Red Moon and Metaphor

Rosalynde Frandsen Welch hard, graduate, have all these economy. We’re trained in the great plans—just to give it all up bracing ethic of frugality: we save I remember an afternoon, lit from to raise daughters who go to and make do; we clip coupons, below by the barren whiteness of college, they’re smart and work, mend clothing, launder diapers; a lake bed, my mother and three they graduate and make great we reuse decorations from Enrich- sisters around me, the shifting plans so that they can . . . what? ment Night for Standards Night. patterns of our pace, conversation. Have babies too. It’s a waste. Why We are not extravagant; we do not A certain pressure is generated by go to college at all? Or else why waste. And yet our prodigal the gathering of one’s beloved raise daughters to do the same monthly blood flaunts nature’s females, a surface tension that thing? What’s the point?” own extravagant waste. Twenty- binds women together as if with eight days of costly preparation, the threads of our collective The questions were laced with a twenty-eight days of meticulous stories, protecting and confining. sarcasm even eleven-year-old alchemy, elements distilled from I do not remember that after- Naomi could taste. I don’t think I our own bodily springs—flushed noon’s shared conversation, had worked the sentences over in out in a flagrant issue of blood. however; it was my mother, years later, who furnished my memory with words.

We must have been talking about what we girls wanted to be when we grew up. By that summer, I already had dreams of Boston and graduate school and tenure; Gabrielle planned to be a teacher, I believe; and Naomi a writer. Rachel was still too small to have seriously considered the issue. But maybe that wasn’t the conversation at all; maybe we had been retelling my mother’s story—how she’d graduated from BYU with honors and then stored her degree beside unopened wedding presents and gone to work at the telephone company to support my father in my head before that afternoon, Outrageously profligate, our bod- law school. but they poured out quickly, as if ies recycle nothing, reuse nothing, I had. reabsorb nothing, month after My mother recounts my contri- month, year after year. It seems bution to the conversation. “It My mother has never told me senseless; what’s the point? just seems like such a waste,” I how she answered. I think I can said. My mother asked me what remember, though. And I’m sorry It is tempting to see women’s lives I meant. that my fifteen-year-old self was as so much somatic plagiarism; it too blind to see that she was cry- is poetic to claim that from the I would have walked faster, ing—or too heartless to care. body’s unthrifty text we must take becoming passionate, kicking at the stories of our lives. Early the coarse, glittering sand beneath A moment comes in every young we’re taught to prepare our minds my feet. “It’s not worth it. You go woman’s life when she begins to with the same meticulous care to college, you’re smart and work understand the paradox of female that monthly prepares our

18 Exponent II wombs—the dreams and plans, and preparations and plans “Shhh. Listen.” My roommate the acts of imagination and effort (unless you’re one of the lucky didn’t whisper during meetings. that infuse the mind are no less ones who’s only dreamed of precious than the red blood that being a wife). You are required I looked back up at the oversized infuses the womb. But we’re also to leave it all behind you and screen on which the image of the taught to release our plans with press forward without looking speaker was projected and real- the same exorbitant disregard for back (remember Lot’s wife). ized that the narrative had cost modeled in the abundance of Moreover, you must do it cheer- changed direction. The speaker our monthly flow of blood. fully and gratefully without was explaining her resolution to counting the cost.” marry and have a child later in Our stories come in a thousand life and her consequent choice to different shapes, but if they are At fifteen, I knew both pages of abandon a successful law career in stolen from our bodies’ loss they the story well enough to grasp its mid-stride. She spoke of her joy in will all bear the same tidings. I’d implication; when I was nineteen, motherhood, which I did not heard the news hundreds of times I determined that I could change doubt, and her wholehearted, by my sixteenth year when I it, at least for myself. A sopho- seemingly effortless decision to walked with my mother and more at BYU and at my most mili- leave behind her other life. Her sisters across the asphalt by that tantly idealistic, I’d gone to the plans, I thought, her achievement, dry lake. “You’re a daughter of annual women’s broadcast in the all her preparation and hard God destined to stand tall. You’re Marriott Center one Saturday work. Was it all for nothing? equal to all and inferior to none in evening in the autumn of 1993. I Could it be she’s telling me that, the eyes of your Father, who is a remember the evening well. I in the end, none of it will go any- King. So be equal to your birth- was seated near the floor beside where? Is she telling me to culti- right; educate your mind, develop my roommate, both of us listening vate my dreams now simply to your talents, realize your individ- closely to the speaker, an articu- abandon them later? ual potentials, find creative and late woman and a dynamic important ways to serve, cultivate speaker and, to my great delight, A nineteen-year-old dreams and dreams and preparations and a law school graduate. She spoke mourns ardently, and I felt gen- plans.” This was the first page of about the importance of education uinely devastated—first with the story, and it was read to me— for women, the fulfillment she what I felt was a blunt betrayal and I learned it by heart—without had found in her profession, and and then with the energy of grief. cynicism or caveat or compro- the importance of not judging I had been wounded, I felt, and I mise. When I’m asked now to women who choose or are com- was not ready to let my wounds attribute any accomplishments, I pelled to work outside the home. be salved. This will not be my full-heartedly credit the Church As I watched the dark-haired fig- story, I told myself. This will not and my parents for giving me the ure at the podium before me, I felt be the story I tell myself, my implements that underlie any that I had encountered, for the daughters, my MIA Maids. I will achievement. first time in my life, words from revise, rewrite. I will not permit the pulpit on this topic with my life to plagiarize my biology, But a second page of the story which I could fully and legiti- no matter how much poetry in the always followed, though not mately identify. Into her experi- symbolism. always immediately. “You are a ence I projected my own plans: a daughter of God destined to mission, graduate school in There is a lovely temporal relapse become a wife and perhaps a Boston, a career as a professor of in the body’s twenty-eight day mother. You’re still equal to all literature bridging the gap season, and I find similar respites and inferior to none in the eyes of between my communities of faith in this story: the summer I am your Father, but now your and reason. fifteen, the autumn I am nine- birthright requires something teen, and then the winter I am different of you. Now you are I whispered to my roommate, twenty-three. required to let go of your dreams “Isn’t she great?” continued on page 21

Vol. 27, No. 3 19 Transformations

Susan Layton Freitas the beautiful MIA Maid teacher Motherhood. My first baby has who picks me up and then takes just been born, a new stake has I get out of the car, turn around, me home, which is nowhere near just been formed, and I’m called and push the big door shut. her house. On the way she tells to what? The Stake Relief Society Daddy drives off. My big sister me about her conversion and how Board? What a hilarious idea! has already bounded up the steps much she values her temple That’s for old ladies. I’ve never and into the chapel. Cripplingly marriage over the earlier church even been to Relief Society. It shy, incredibly uncomfortable in ceremony she had. Though I meets days, and I’ve been teach- social situations, I’m just grateful won’t be taking her advice, I learn ing school. I call my sister and we that I know that I’m supposed to to be grateful that she cared laugh and laugh. sit with my Sunday School class. I enough to tell me. slip into the pew as a safe haven Who knew they were such an and try to make myself invisible. Another person who knows me is incredible group of women—that the MIA secretary, who diligently they truly follow the Savior. They The safe haven’s over, though, comes to my house now and then give and give, taking care of when I get to class. Brother Love. to ask me to attend. I always tell everyone else. So lovely, loving, What an ironic name for an abra- her, “I’ll try,” knowing full well and kind. My mentors, my role sive, demanding personality. He that I’m not going to go. Years models, my friends. I don’t want never asks, just tells, and puts us later, I have a good laugh when I to let them down. I want to learn on the spot with his questions. I hear the same words from a to be like them. I’ve never met never know the answers, probably young woman I’m people for whom I because I’m so preoccupied with hoping to activate. have more admi- how uncomfortable I feel. The ration and respect. worst is when he assigns talks. College. At long last, We go to Relief “You will give the two and a half I’m grown up. I don’t Society Confer- minute talk two weeks from have to go to church ence together, and now.” Abject terror. Me, in front anymore. I don’t I sit in a tabernacle of a whole chapel full of people, have a car, and only filled with LDS opening my mouth? Not likely! now and then does women and feel On those occasions I pull out the someone offer to take such a part of ultimate weapon and fake illness me. Hallelujah. But something good, to my mother, who, miraculously, there’s a hitch. Darn. important, and lets me stay home. Through the haze of my growing satisfying. It feels wonderful. I up years, something’s gotten belong. I fit in. I’m becoming “Why do I have to go to church through. Now I know it’s true. I something better. when you and Daddy don’t?” can’t just walk away. Relief Society is where I feel the “Because children need to learn Marriage. I realize I’ve chosen the Spirit the most. I feel loved. I learn about religion. We had to go male equivalent of my high school to give talks without terror, feel when we were your age. When friends. He’s not LDS, but he like I can contribute something, you’re grown up, if you don’t pretty much lives the way we do. get emotional and spiritual sup- want to go anymore, you don’t I’ve loved having a few church port and great ideas. I make true, have to.” friends, but I never feel as if I fit fast friends. in with them. They know stuff I Ah! Salvation! Can’t wait for the don’t know. With one foot in the My non-member husband joins day! Church and the other in the the Church. Now he’s in a bish- world, my best friends are always opric, now in a stake presidency. MIA. I go sometimes but mostly non-Mormon non-smokers/non- I’m having a General Authority to not. Probably three people in the drinkers. lunch. Good grief, I’m part of the ward know who I am, and one is establishment. Who, me? The

20 Exponent II Proclamation on the Family continued from page 7 bishop’s wife? That can’t be me. revelation from above. Whenever more understanding is a prerequi- It’s always been someone else. It I have questions about doctrine, site for more revelation. If we all seems so strange. it’s comforting to be reminded desire to understand the doctrines that there are answers even in the Proclamation on the family Christ’s big tent welcomes all though we may not have them in greater depth, it is possible that who’ll come. Step by step we yet. However, as much as I our earnest seeking and prayer forge ahead, helping each other. believe that members of the will lead to greater revelation. Join the happy throng. Church have to be patient and at times put some of our doctrinal Lori is a native Oregonian who was Susan is a wife, mother of three sons questions on the “back burner,” surprised to find that she loves living and two daughters, and grandmother so to speak, I also believe that it is in Southern California. She teaches of four living in Newport Beach, easy for us to become complacent American Literature and Writing at California. She enjoys reading, writ- about the doctrine we do have. California State University, Long ing, teaching adults, traveling, and Complacency indicates that we do Beach, and the gospel doctrine class time with family members and not desire to learn more or even in her ward. friends. She can be reached at that we reject discussion of revela- [email protected]. tion we already have. The Lord has made it clear that a desire for

Red Moon and Metaphor continued from page 19

It is Monday. It is early March. I sense that I am over-dramatizing charms of metaphor, particularly stand at my kitchen window the situation, but I cannot help metaphor that comes perilously facing the veiled monochrome mourning my loss. close to naturalizing women’s mountain to the east. The clouds, social possibilities in biology. heavy and threatening, manage One envelope is postmarked San However, the choices and stories temporary restraint; it is my eyes Diego: We’re sorry but you have that faced me at fifteen, at nine- that overflow. I have recently not been admitted to our graduate teen, and at twenty-three are returned from San Diego engaged program. The other envelope is substantially the same as those to be married, and I am unnatu- postmarked from Boston: We are that will face my eleven-year-old rally aware of the band on my left pleased to offer you admission sister; indeed, my daughter’s hand. After three days, it still feels and a five-year fellowship. My choices will probably resemble unfamiliar on my finger. story has been written in spite of mine more closely than mine myself, it seems. resembled my mother’s. And in I stand with two white envelopes this way, in the intractable and before me on the kitchen counter, Postscript inconclusive questions of personal each torn open hastily. I can’t help cost and social benefit, our stories feeling that it is myself on the I am less inclined now than I was bring us together as surely as our counter in front of me, straddling that March morning seven years bodies bleed. two white roads to the future— ago to read my story as menstrual two white envelopes reflecting metaphor. The sacrifice turned out Rosalynde lives in Webster Groves, twenty-three years of preparation to be slighter than I had expected. Missouri, with her husband John and and planning. I cannot give the For one thing; I was admitted to her children Elena, three, and Jack, envelopes to another woman—not graduate school in San Diego the one. Most days she mothers, reads, to my daughter, not to my friend. next year and completed my PhD writes, sings, and runs. They will be wasted, the lifeblood when my second child was ten of my dreams until now—yes, the months old. metaphor is careless—like my red blood is wasted every month. I I am less susceptible now to the

Vol. 27, No. 3 21 No Swans Allowed Catherine Vaughan My husband is working late, and underarms tucked, and her I’ve just put my son to bed. I grab kneecaps reconfigured among When I was in elementary school, my bonbons and head for the other drastic changes. At the end there was a week when my mom couch in time to catch the opening of the show, the women will be had to brush another woman’s credits for a new series called The judged on how well they cleaned teeth. She explained to me that Swan. This is the show where each up. The winner goes on to the my best friend’s mom was too week two lucky women are surgi- final “beauty” pageant at the end sore from her recent surgery to cally transformed from ugly duck- of the series. The loser drags her do it on her own. Each lings into beautiful swans. crushed ego back home. afternoon I would play with my friend at her My temperature is ris- house while my mom ing, but I’m unable to put a casserole in the turn the channel. Is polit- oven, tidied up, and ical correctness really looked for other helpful this dead? Why aren’t things she could do. My they pushing the mes- friend’s mom was too sage that a woman’s self sore to give hugs, but worth should come from you could see the grati- an inner understanding tude in her eyes. I of her status as a daugh- learned an important ter of God? Clearly this lesson that week: noth- program is a tool of the ing beats a sincere friend plastic surgery industry, after you’ve gotten your which is clearly a tool of breast implants. Satan—trying to keep women from realizing As far as I know, none their inherent divine of my mom’s other worth. friends were doing this sort of thing. I found it I’m still worked up bizarre, but not much about the show the next more bizarre than other day when I’m talking to things adults did, like my neighbor in the making their beds or courtyard between our going to all the sessions apartments. We are of General Conference. watching our sons chase each other with toy Fast-forward to last shopping carts and fling year. I’ve moved from baby dolls at each other. Washington state to Utah, to As a feminist, I am disgusted. As I’m so proud. Surely they’ll never Indiana, and finally to Southern an exhausted, brain-dead mother, buy into the gender stereotyping California. I’ve settled into my I am fascinated. that leads to voluntary surgical own adult life, which revolves mutilation of women. around constantly trying to dis- The surgeons explain why each tract a two-year-old from sharp patient will be almost impossible “I will never, ever understand objects and electrical outlets. to salvage. This one will need chin how anyone could pay all that (Don’t you want to listen to classi- implants, cheek implants, a new money just to make their boobs cal music and read this science nose, and lipo all over, and that’s bigger or their nose smaller,” I book instead, honey?) just for starters. The other will shudder. “It’s major surgery. You need her forehead raised, her could die from it. And after the

22 Exponent II surgery, you spend weeks all Barbie dolls in her house because surgery she doesn’t even need to puffed up and sore from it all.” of the body image issues they fix something that isn’t even My flat-stomached, busty, beauti- could create, looks forward to broken? This is the same woman ful, mother-of-four neighbor treating herself to new breasts in a who goes pale when you mention laughs at me. “The recovery is a few years. having blood drawn, who nearly lot quicker than it used to be,” she refused an epidural because of replies. “I was only sore for a cou- Another friend confides that it the needles. ple of days, and it’s getting to be a was either new breasts for her or a lot cheaper.” boat for the family. The breasts With so many otherwise reason- won out since those last longer. able people accepting, even “Pardon?” She also got a nipple lift—I’m still embracing, plastic surgery, I’ve gagging over the concept. been forced to do some real soul “People do it all the time,” she searching. Maybe there’s some- continues. “Practically a third of One of my sisters admits that thing I haven’t considered, some the ward has had something when she gets together with her unexamined prejudice that blurs done, and the other two thirds are girlfriends, they fantasize about my understanding. men and kids. Haven’t you when they’ll get their plastic noticed Dana, Tiffany, and that surgery done. She’s a size zero. I confront my bias. Is it fair to lady who wears all the hats and She had a flat tummy five days believe that the plastic surgery makes weird comments about after her son was born. Five days industry promotes unrealistic Catholics?” after my son was born, I could ideals of so-called beauty at the finally fit into her full-size mater- expense of women’s physical and A lot of things suddenly make nity clothes. emotional health? Is it fair to sense to me. I had always found believe that women send an ugly it strange that the women I’d message to future generations by met at church revealed their age . . . [S]omewhere putting their bodies at risk in to be ten years older than what I order to achieve the look of a would have guessed. And there pin-up model? Is it fair to believe are an unusually high number of inside this ugly that plastic surgery TV shows women in the ward who I’d con- exploit vulnerable women by sidered “genetically blessed.” I’d objectifying their insecurities, previously assumed they were duckling is a turning them into light entertain- all thin because they were moti- ment for a mass audience that vated to exercise in the swan waiting to grows dumber by the day? California sun. Yes. But now I know the truth. I am be set free. surrounded by vain women with Yes, but . . . if I’m really honest low self-esteem. with myself, I have to admit that “I feel like a boy ever since I I’ve done a few things to make The subject of plastic surgery stopped nursing,” she confides to myself look a bit more comes up in daily conversation me over the phone. “I wouldn’t Hollywood-ish. I never pluck my for about a month after the big go too big, but I think I deserve a eyebrows, but I do shave my legs revelation from my neighbor. B or maybe a C.” about twice a year. Sometimes I My informal poll of everyone I wear makeup. I had braces for talk to reveals that plastic surgery All my energy goes toward fight- seventeen months when I was in isn’t considered vile anymore by ing the urge to tell her how nuts I middle school. My favorite jeans anyone but me and, surprisingly, think the whole thing is. How aren’t comfortable, but they make my mom. One friend, who could she even consider spending my butt look smaller. I do work wouldn’t dream of allowing thousands of dollars to undergo a continued on page 24

Vol. 27, No. 3 23 No Swans Allowed continued from page 23 outs I find in magazines that bouncing around, and no double- with our friendship. That’s not too promise to zap my flab for fab bra wearing. When I’m not exer- much to ask. abs. I’ve been on the Suzanne cising, I don’t even need to wear a Sommers diet. Aw crud, I’m bra if I don’t feel like it. Maybe these women I love do superficial. think of their new bodies as Until this whole plastic surgery wings. Maybe their new bodies Is it fair to believe that my vanity thing came up, I hardly thought help them experience the world in and body image issues are less about my breasts at all. Maybe a way that is more fulfilling to extreme because my method for that’s what irks me so much about them. Maybe their decisions to dealing with them is less extreme? the idea. It’s not just the feminist alter their looks have nothing to in me getting riled up for the do with me. No, probably not. I feel good about my Then why is it that plas- choices, and my friends tic surgery is so funda- Maybe their new bodies feel good about theirs. mentally appalling There will probably to me? help them experience the always be a part of me that believes they would “Cleavage” is not a word be happier if they that anyone would use world in a way that is thought more like me, when talking about me. I and there must be a part used to be an A until I of them that thinks it’s had a baby. When I was more fulfilling to them. sad that I don’t want to nursing, I was promoted look my best. Really, this to a B, but when I stopped after future of society, but it’s also my is just one of millions of differ- seventeen months, my breasts defense to a perceived attack on ences between us, most of which were so tired that they retreated my own appearance. I’m afraid nobody cares about. Besides, if all into my body for an extended that there are people who can’t my friends were exactly like me, hibernation period. There is no help but think it’s a shame how I’d get sick of them pretty quickly. longer a letter to describe me. One genetics mistreated me. That I of the first things my mother said could look so much better if I In the end, I think that my mom when she saw me after weaning would just get over my self-right- had the right approach. The next was, “Hey, where’d they go?” eous aversion to surgical interven- time any of my friends go in for tion. That somewhere inside this some nipping or tucking, I’ll be Being small-chested was more of ugly duckling there’s a swan wait- waiting with a toothbrush. an issue for me when I was a ing to be set free. teenager, desperately interested in Catherine watches bad reality TV attracting attention from the slow- I am not a bird. from her home in Redondo Beach, er-to-develop gender. In high California, with her husband and son. school, I bought two padded bras I’m as likely to sprout boobs as I She still has all her original body that quickly got lumpy in the am to sprout wings. parts but has been known to dye her dryer and made me look like I hair flaming orange and wear control had marshmallows stuffed down In my more rational moments, I top pantyhose. my shirt. I never tried actual realize that the people I want to marshmallows, but only because have as friends either don’t think it didn’t occur to me at the time. about me like that or are smart It wasn’t until I was in college and enough to keep their opinions to took up running that I realized themselves. If we can’t help being what a blessing a small chest judgmental, at least we can keep could be. No backaches, no our judgments from interfering

24 Exponent II Interview with Lael Littke continued from page 5

considered to be the first Mormon Tell us about your writing you as most important in the last novel, when I was fourteen. Since habits. forty years? Anderson attempts to encompass the whole gospel plan in his book, Oh, mercy me. My writing habits. I assume you mean in the Church I found it compelling. The Giant Some days I clean out my refriger- itself rather than in the women, Joshua taught me a whole lot ator to postpone going to the com- who when they weren’t given a about creating conflict and tension puter. Some days I’m glued to my voice simply created one for in a novel. I was also inspired and chair for six or seven hours at a themselves in Exponent II. In the influenced by two collections of stretch when I get caught up in a Church, a major change was when short stories by Donald R. plot. I try to maintain a schedule women were allowed to pray in Marshall – The Rummage Sale of at least three hours a day Sacrament Meeting. I found that and Frost in the Orchard. I’d also Monday through Thursday, and significant on many levels. Anoth- like to mention a novel titled The then take the weekend off. er major change has been the cor- Broken Covenant, by Carroll relation arm of the Church, which Hofeling Morris. It starts out with What role have female friend- has had both positive and nega- an LDS woman committing a ships played in your life? Can tive ramifications. I wasn’t happy, grievous sin, and then goes on to you tell us about a time in which for instance, when the Relief explore what happens to her and your friends or sisters in your Society lost its autonomy—and its her family as a result of it and ward influenced/impacted you voice, The Relief Society Magazine, deals with how she puts things significantly? which is where I first sold a story. back together again. I understand why the changes are My female relationships grow necessary, but I still mourn what What non-Mormon authors do more important every year, not was lost. But the pluses include a you admire? Which have influ- only those within the Church but truly international church. The enced your writing? also my non-member friends and church I knew as a child was writing colleagues. As for how provincial and clannish. Now we First of all, I have to mention my they’ve influenced me, I have to find it reaching out all over the Lunch Bunch colleagues with cite my girlhood friend Arthella world and becoming a major whom I’ve met together twice a Moosman Basinger, with whom I influence for good everywhere. week for over thirty years. All shared an intense desire to see the successful authors, they have my outside world; my career girl In what direction would you like great admiration and have all roommate Dorothy Stuart Hall, to see the Church go with regards influenced my writing through who was (and is) an outstanding to women? their sage criticisms. (Eve Bunting, cook; my long-time friend Mary one of the group, has over 250 Ellen MacArthur, a former high I would like to see women giving titles.) We were all taught writing school English teacher and depart- more conference talks and being by Helen Hinckley Jones, a fine ment head, who sets a high intel- quoted in manuals more so that writer and the world’s best writ- lectual standard that I’m always our beautiful young girls will ing teacher. (She was LDS.) The struggling to measure up to; and know that women, too, have author who has probably most Geni Williams, my long-time important things to say. I think influenced my style was Betty friend and visiting teachee, who the Church will face a major chal- Smith, author of A Tree Grows in has taught me a whole lot of lenge in keeping the young Brooklyn, which I read when I was psychology from her experience women in the fold if the profile of fourteen and which I re-read as a nurse, as well as from life in women is not raised. every few years. I was captivated general. She was the one who by her writing, and my first short held me together when my Tell us about the project you are stories were attempts to copy her husband died. working on right now. way of writing. Later, I developed my own style. What changes in the Church with I’m working on three novels at regards to women have struck continued on page 29

Vol. 27, No. 3 25 Interview Then and Now: Erna Wong

In the Summer 1979 issue of friends since I don’t really Exponent II, the first-ever have any social life outside of Southern California issue, Erna the Church. My life doesn’t Wong was a young Mormon third- involve television or other dis- year medical student at USC. tractions that do not include Erna, then pregnant with her first my family. Where there’s a child, was asked about her choice of conflict between the children profession and her hopes for bal- and work, I have most every ancing family with her chosen time resolved it in favor of my career path. She said, “I will meet family. My children have had the problem of combining a family to learn to help a lot and be and a medical career as it comes.” self-sufficient. All my children, Now a mother of a large family and including my oldest daughter a practicing physician, Erna tells and her husband, live in our us a little bit about how she’s con- home. tinued to balance her life as her family has grown. What advice would you give because of the fear that I am to an LDS woman considering a What led you to pursue a career neglecting my own children's career as a physician? as a physician? needs and well-being. Also, the prophet and general authorities I would advise a young woman to I had a strong interest in biology repeat often that a woman’s place make sure she’s choosing a career at a very young age. I was very is in the home and that no greater in medicine because she really curious about how living things work is done than in the walls of loves the challenge of helping oth- work. My ninth grade biology our home. ers. It can be draining to be con- teacher was very inspiring, and I stantly giving at work and then excelled in the sciences. It was on No one ever directly made me feel turn right around and continue to a trip back to my country of birth, I had made the wrong choice to give to a family clamoring for her Taiwan, when I was thirteen that I work outside of the home. On the service and attention. She needs to decided I wanted to be a doctor contrary, I always heard words of have a strong sense of balance to and help my people. It was sad to admiration and amazement from provide herself support and care. see my mother's aunt dying of Church members. My sense of liver cancer in only a cot in a guilt or doubts about what I was I went to medical school at USC small two by three yard hospital doing would come up when I and then did my training in pedi- room. The medical staff gave her would hear the prophet's counsel. atrics at Kaiser at Los Angeles. nothing for her pain; we could The fact that my path was made only offer her a bottle of Excedrin However, I have many times had very easy is a testimony to me we had brought with us from the confirmed in my heart the idea that the Lord intended for me to U.S. We sent some more after we that each of is unique and that the pursue this career. In addition, my returned home. I believe she lived relationship I have with my hus- patriarchal blessing states that I four more months after we left. band and the way we have should not fear to give advice The medical level there was far worked out our roles has allowed because many would seek it below ours at that time. us to provide care from both from me. parents. I have seen families Do you ever feel conflict where the father is rarely home How have your children adapted between your role as a mother because he’s busy working to to your dual roles of mother and and your career as a doctor? provide for the family. My doctor? children have always had the I have occasionally had second attention of both parents—not to I have had ten pregnancies, one of thoughts about being a physician mention that they are my best continued on page 29

26 Exponent II Poetry Resurrected Thin The Fidgeting Ghazal

This is new That’s me sitting with head bowed, because I made it up: my hands in my lap, crisp shirt and skirt. Faith without fat is merely thin. Still and reverent, but not quite still. This is how we’ll lose those extra inches. Very, very reverent. We simply won’t talk about it. We’ll just believe. Third pew on the left, right behind the Sorenson’s grandsons. And later on we’ll slap our thighs and wiggle our arms. The Holy Spirit speaker on her third main point, I make an asterisk next to As if we didn’t know. the word in my head: longsuffering. As if we loved us “just the way we are” My fingers, not long (my hands are tiny), with seemingly masking-taped chests and free handles for love. But suffer from my habit of absently concentrating on cuticle, hangnail, dry fraying callus, while I listen. Independently heavier together, flailing and Intensity in listening heightens the picking level, quietly fishing for the reassurance but it almost never comes to biting. that really we have the upper swollen foot Brooke Williams of a lack of faith in thin.

Although our mirrors stay skinny, our shoes ever-slender. Some News About the Soul B. Jean Williams In my solitude I speak to the other side of myself: quiet lark of heavy wings, oh, supple remorse.

If you sit still enough the birds of your body will settle on one dark branch and rest in chords of ceremony.

The fluttering behind our shoulders throwing light as from dusty lanterns we mistake for birds.

The mackintosh tree my father pruned last April has now two branches that extend toward the sparrows like arms.

Sunni Brown

Vol. 27, No. 3 27 Negotiating Identity: Keeping My Name

Amy Hoyt reflection on how I felt about him simply to say our first names. and his extended family. Over Being Mormon, married, and the past several years, I have tried We have lived in four wards since keeping your own last name to reassure him that my individu- we’ve been married. Twice, upon presents particular challenges. ality, and not his family, are at the moving in, the ward clerk has When Kevin and I decided to get heart of my decision. Technically, changed my church records to married, we began negotiations: we are still in negotiations over reflect Kevin’s last name, assum- where to get married, where to this issue, and I suspect they will ing it was an oversight by the last live, how many children we last many more years as we ward clerk. I know it is inadver- wanted, and so on. Among the attempt to forge a marital relation- tent because when we have debated issues was whether I ship that is representative of both approached the clerk, he is would hyphenate our two last of our expectations. apologetic and embarrassed and names or take his name. I reluc- worried that he has somehow tantly agreed to hyphenate. I had Because the issue is still muddled offended me. The ward directory every intention of actually doing for Kevin and me, it is not surpris- lists us as the Dearings, but I it, but when it came time to sign ing that it is even more so for sometimes worry that those who the paperwork, I couldn’t. I felt members of our ward. Although don’t know Kevin’s last name such a sense of identity loss that I they are kind and warm to our won’t be able to get in touch with couldn’t bring myself to do it. I family, I’m sure that we are a puz- me. Our old ward directory listed was afraid that by changing my zle to them. If there are judgments us in both the D’s and the H’s, name I would somehow be lost or criticisms, I am unaware of which worked better. within the marriage. them, for which I am grateful. If anything, there is confusion. They A few years ago, a high council- Understandably, Kevin was don’t know where to put me in man in charge of visiting single disappointed and hurt. He felt the ward directory, they aren’t sisters came to visit me. He was that somehow my attitude was a sure what to call me, and they gracious and kind but a little con- aren’t sure what to fused when we explained why I call my husband. was probably listed as a single sis- Last month in ter, as well as being listed as Sister Sunday school, Dearing. The overwhelming Kevin and I were emotion he showed was relief asked to give the when he realized that I was opening and closing married to Kevin and not simply prayers. The teacher, cohabitating with him! who is new to the ward, asked us our Kevin and I had our first child last names. “Amy Hoyt year. At my baby shower, I was and Kevin Dearing,” asked what we had named him. we each replied. “Jackson Preston,” I said. “And When she started his last name?” they asked. I class, she mentioned guess it was a fair question. that the “Hoyt- “Dearing.” I wanted Jackson to Dearings” would be have my maiden name as his giving the prayers. middle name, but after more At the end of class negotiations we decided to use she called on his middle name as a way to “Brother Hoyt.” honor male relatives on both sides Sometimes when we of our families. introduce ourselves at church, it’s easier Over the last few years, I’ve tried

28 Exponent II to convince Kevin to change his times. Neither of us are com- new models of marriage and name or suggested that we both pletely content during these com- partnership will take time, and hyphenate our last names. He is promises, but we manage to I am sure that being impatient resistant to these ideas; he likes stretch ourselves towards each with those who hold fast to his last name and feels a strong other’s perspectives. traditional models will not pro- affinity to it because of his familial duce quicker results. Being ties. I can certainly relate. Men in For me, having different last Mormon, married, and keeping the ward have asked him if it names is a powerful example of your own last name presents par- bothers him that I kept my name. how two autonomous individuals ticular challenges—none of which “Yeah, sometimes,” he replies. I can carefully craft a marriage that is insurmountable. wish it didn’t, just as I’m sure he is based on partnership, shared wishes that becoming a Dearing responsibilities, and values—not a Amy is a doctoral candidate in wouldn’t be difficult for me. marriage that is perfect or trouble- Women’s Studies in Religion at free, but one that is based on a Claremont Graduate University. She There are days when I wish we commitment between two people and her husband, Kevin Dearing, and shared a last name, but I feel that to develop a marriage that is egal- their son, Jackson Dearing, currently this feeling is part of my compro- itarian, equitable, and rewarding live in northern California. Amy mise. I give into tradition at times in the midst of constant negotia- enjoys gardening, cooking, and any- and Kevin gives into innovation at tions. I understand that forging thing related to travel.

Lael continued from page 25 Then and Now continued from page 26 once. Two of them are intended which ended in a miscarriage. I of our families, parents, and sib- for the Young Adult age group had six girls and three boys. My lings live in Irvine, too. They have (11–14). One of them is a new second daughter died at almost helped to raise the children. I mystery-suspense for a national three months of crib death, which can’t deny that there have been publisher. The second is a novel was very difficult. It was a chal- times when the children at a very that takes place in Nauvoo at the lenge having children while in young age would cry for me to be time of Joseph Smith’s death. The medical school and residency, at home, despite the good care third, aimed at LDS women, I’m but it was all worth it. We love their dad gave them. There’s still writing with two writer friends our children very much and have no substitute for mom! about three Mormon women from no greater sense of joy and accom- different parts of the country who plishment than them. My Do your church responsibilities meet at BYU Education Week in husband has always supported— balance with your other duties? 1975. Their lives become even encouraged—my pursuit of entwined as they go about raising a career I loved because of my I have been married for almost their families, and we get to dis- being able to help others. thirty years. I was a convert to cuss a lot of problems faced by the Church at age twenty-one, one Mormon women in general. Our children have been very year after marrying David, who understanding of what I have had joined the Church about six What interests do you have in chosen to do with raising them weeks before we met. Currently, addition to writing? while working part time and occa- I’m a Webelos den leader. I sionally full time. I’m blessed to believe so far my greatest and Cats, of which I have five. Travel, work for Kaiser, where I can have most satisfying calling has been a which has taken me all over the some flexibility in my schedule ward missionary. world, most recently to China. I and the great advantage of work- love plays and musicals. And ing at night while the children are movies. And, of course, books. asleep or on weekends when they don’t need as much help with homework. It helps also that most

Vol. 27, No. 3 29 So I Married a Mormon Feminist . . .

Mike McBride On the other hand, because I do not know and on how Church not consider myself a feminist, her leaders teach or emphasize differ- feminist views have presented dif- ent things at different times, all It’s not like she didn’t warn me. ficulties for me in our marriage, the while trying to maintain faith Six years ago Caroline went out of some of which were unexpected. in the reality of inspired Church her way to let me know what I Take having different last names, leadership. While I can success- was getting into. Like when she for example. The only two advan- fully separate my own personal told me over and over she had tages are the shock value we feelings (for example, about vari- something important to tell me, sometimes get when new acquain- ous “folk” doctrines that circulate something that could make me tances do not know how to treat in Sunday School classes and are stop dating her. The funny thing us once they find out and the fact offensive to her) from the realiza- is that when she made her “big” that I always know it’s a telemar- tion that much is unknown announcement during a dinner keter on the phone when I’m despite what is said, she cannot so date—that she was going to keep asked if Mr. Kline is home, thus easily separate her passions from her name when she got married— allowing me to quickly develop the cold realities of proof burdens. I didn’t even blink. She was dis- my exit strategy. The biggest dis- These different approaches some- appointed because she was advantage is that she sometimes is times prevent us from engaging in hoping for some sort of reaction, hurt when people—especially beneficial conversations. but I already knew about this Church members—who know she decision since her brother, who kept her last name still intention- Similar stumbling blocks exist in had introduced us, had hinted at ally refer to us as the McBrides. In many marriages, but the fact that it weeks earlier. This information each ward we’ve lived in, her it takes place within the Church did not deter my pursuit of her. church records have listed her by context poses unique complexi- To be honest, I wasn’t even pursu- my name. ties. For one, many Mormon ing her then. I told my brother at doctrinal or historical issues the time that I was only going out This is not a profound example of often lead to questions of ultimate with her because she was fun and how my marriage is different than truths and moralities, and these interesting and not because I con- expected since I married a may impact the way we conceptu- sidered her “wife material.” Mormon feminist. But it actually alize our relationship and our hints at some of the more difficult future. For example, does a That changed of course. Our issues that have come into my life. woman have to “hearken unto” courtship, once it began, was fun Often, as with her last name, she her husband because of some and romantic but also unique. We feels misunderstood and frus- eternal female characteristic were in school on opposite sides trated with Church members who that makes her inferior to a man? of the country, but thanks to de- do not exhibit respect for her Would I take a second wife in clining long distance telephone ideals about gender equality. Her the next life if God personally rates and the proliferation of e- innate feminist beliefs and think- asked me to? Ultimately, our mail, we communicated frequent- ing were finely honed while feelings about these issues are ly. Progression in the relationship attending a women’s college, more similar than different, but meant discussing more and deep- which means she is particularly our different approaches to er topics. It was during this time sensitive to Church leaders’ lan- discussion often lead us to talk that I got to know her desire to be guage, thoughts, and theories past each other. her best by stretching and chal- about women and their roles in lenging herself, her ability to feel the family, the Church, the tem- A second difficulty revolves others’ pain, and, most promi- ple, and the eternities. Because I around the ideal of being a nently, her feminism. Surpris- am not as sensitive to these issues, supportive spouse. For example, ingly, aspects of her feminism I often react differently than she. if the treatment of women in the attracted me to her. She is smart, For example, I often take a some- endowment ceremony bothers her she cares about real world issues, what impersonal or analytical so much that she dislikes attend- and she is not afraid to engage in approach, focusing on what we do ing the temple but I still want to difficult conversations.

30 Exponent II go, am I being unsupportive? ly, she has raised my awareness of As I meet more Mormon femi- More commonly, the issue of the concerns of many LDS nists, I find that many of them being supportive arises when women. I am a better person share Caroline’s feelings but each something is said at church that because I have a better, even if not is unique. I’m sure Exponent II she feels is insensitive to women. complete, understanding of issues readers are familiar with the fact Her critical reactions are often confronted by many LDS women. that there are different types of warranted and ones I agree with, If I am ever needed to help feminists. One of Caroline’s text- but sometimes I do disagree with women who have similar con- books classifies, among others, the tone or content of her concerns cerns, I will be a much better tool socialist feminists, radical and criticisms. It is difficult to be in the Lord’s hands. feminists, liberal feminists, and sensitive to her feelings when I cultural feminists. Even though disagree with her. I feel obligated Second, she demands that I do “feminist” is a label used in as an individual to express my what is right not just because it is derision by many Church mem- disagreement, but this is difficult right, which is easy for me to do, bers for various reasons, many to do in a respectful manner. but for the right reason. In types of feminists remain in the essence, she has raised my own Church. What role they will have I hope these examples give a awareness of my own desires in our Church is not for me to sense of some difficulties in being about living the gospel of Jesus decide, but I know that Caroline married to a feminist, but I also Christ. has an important place that she is hope they do not give the wrong still searching for. Her journey of impression. Our finding it is more day-to-day life hers than mine, but I is not as stress- am along for the ful as the above ride. And I am glad examples might for it. suggest. In fact, to me the most In all honesty, I stressful aspect believe I have the of our marriage best marriage in the her messiness. world. I am continu- ally challenged, edi- The truth is that fied, and exhilarated. I am a much In Mormon lingo, I better person am progressing. today because I Actually, she has am married to her. She demands Third, I have learned more about told me that I am a feminist—just the best from me, and I do my Jesus’ Atonement in my years not a very good one. I tell her that best to comply. Moreover, married to her than in all the com- she’s crazy to call me a feminist, Caroline is aware of the many bined years of my pre-married as anyone who knows me would good things the Church brings to life. I have never so strongly felt agree. But I secretly hope she still people throughout the world, and the desire to take another person’s believes it since it could reconfirm she often gives the Church and its pain. In our most intimate to her my (albeit limited) ability to leaders the credit they deserve. moments, her emotional and journey with her. spiritual burdens become mine, To marry Caroline was the and I feel closer to her when I Mike McBride has been Caroline smartest decision of my life. In manifest this pure love. I never Kline’s husband (she likes him intro- fact, I can pin down three, among ascribed to the belief that each duced as her posssessed object) for many, important ways she and person has “one true love,” but five years. He enjoys reading hard- her feminism have made me a if I have a soul mate, then she’s boiled detective novels and teaches better person. First, and obvious- the one. game theory at UC Irvine.

Vol. 27, No. 3 31 Fall Retreat

Please save September 23–25 for the inventive and upscale chain To reserve your place, e-mail this year’s Exponent Retreat to be of Crate and Barrel stores, Barbara Taylor at held at Camp Jewell in the north- Pandora was recently transferred [email protected] or call her at west corner of Connecticut (near to Chicago with her husband (508) 478-4469. Let her know if Colebrook). Camp Jewell sits in Mark and sons Alex (14) and you have a talent you’d like to the beautiful Berkshire Mountains Walker (11) to be the company's share in our annual talent show. on the banks of a private lake. Midwest Area Trainer. Pandora's interests include medieval This year’s keynote speaker will history, myth, and religion. be Pandora Brewer. Pandora has been a popular workshop pre- To accommodate the camp, we senter at various Exponent must have your retreat registra- retreats over the years, the most tion by September 7. The fee, recent one being on female which includes all meals, lodging, socialization and empowerment. and a tee shirt, is $140. A manager in the Boston area of

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