Law Weekly 2017, 2018, & 2019 ABA Law Student Division Best Newspaper Award-Winner A Look How to Master the 1L Cold Call...... 2 Inside: Advice for Virginia Law Newbies...... 2 The Best Hiking Spots in Charlottesville...... 3 Who’s really to blame for America’s Divide...... 5

Wednesday, 28 August 2019 The Newspaper of the School of Law Since 1948 Volume 72, Number 1 Greetings around north From Your grounds Law Weekly Dean Goluboff Thumbs side- Chief ways to school Welcomes Class of 2022 being back in ses- M. Eleanor Schmalzl ’20 sion. On the one Editor-in-Chief hand, ANG is not looking forward to ANG’s fifth year of Civ Pro. On the other Dear UVA Law students, hand, Bilt. old and new, Welcome (and welcome Thumbs up to back)! The Law Weekly the “Office of - Pri has been gearing up for an- vate Practice.” other great year these last (Who we all know few weeks, and we are so is really Career Services in a excited to be at it again. As Scooby-Doo Villain mask.) an intro for 1Ls and LLMs ANG has gone from a ram- who may not know who we bling, unpolished 1L to a are (or 2Ls and 3Ls who rambling, slightly polished have somehow missed the 2L who people somehow glorious reign of this paper want to hire. in their law school careers), the Virginia Law Weekly Thumbs down reports on matters big and to OGI. ANG is small, be it a mouse in the tired of making WB hallway during health small talk about day, snakes under the WB ANG’s interest in porcelain floorboards, a new pric- doll restoration and ANG’s ing regime in the UVA Law amateur pet psychiatry Copy Center, or changes practice. in ’s membership policy. While Thumbs up to the we aim to be informative new furniture in and to report on major Law chology, and more—that so that others can listen or the updated class- School happenings, we also Risa Goluboff will enable you to see the listen even when the mes- rooms. ANG didn’t try not to take ourselves Dean, University of Virginia big picture wherever your sage is hard to hear, but our think the WB seats could get too seriously. As last year’s School of Law career takes you. You will community of trust and be- any more comfortable! And Editor-in-Chief, Jansen leave here able not only to longing makes that possible. ANG thinks the traffic cones VanderMeulen ’19, said in deploy the law as it is but Moreover, those skills are in SL 278 are a nice touch. his outgoing column in the What a momentous time also to envision what the essential to analyzing and spring, this paper offers to welcome you to UVA Law law can and should be in the solving problems, consider- Thumbs down stories about life at the Law School. Over the course of future. In other words, we ing every argument, explor- to first day read- School from the perspec- the next two years, we will will carry on our 200-year ing every idea, arguing for ing. ANG needs tive of students, and that’s observe both the bicenten- tradition of educating ser- your side, and collaborat- to be coddled and something students really nial of our founding and the vants and leaders of the law. ing with the other. In other eased back into any sort of can’t get anywhere else. centennial of coeducation. At the same time, evi- words, learning how to talk academic work. @1L profes- Because we have a clear As we commemorate these dence of how much has and listen with profession- sors, have you ever heard of monopoly on our read- important milestones, con- changed at UVA Law School alism, respect, and empathy syllabus week? ers, we hope to at least do tinuity and change are both over the past two centuries in a diverse community like a good job of it by making much in evidence. From its is all around us. Most fun- ours is essential to becom- Thumbs up to you laugh and helping you charter in 1819 as an origi- damentally, who we edu- ing the exceptional lawyers PILA grants. With- feel connected to the many nal “department” of the Uni- cate has broadened in ev- you are all here to become. out them ANG parts of the Law School versity of Virginia, this law ery conceivable way from I know that many of you would have need- community, even those school began educating stu- our founding. Almost 100 are asking exactly what kind ed to live in an even danker you may not interact with dents broadly, with courses years ago, Rose May Davis of lawyer you will be and basement this summer and closely on a regular basis. in political theory and po- ’22 and Elizabeth Tompkins what kind of practice you would not have been able While I am writing to all litical economy as well as ’23 became the first women will pursue. You are right to to subsist on ramen noodles students here, I want to more strictly legal subjects. to attend the Law School as be asking those questions, and corn dogs. But this is emphasize to the 1Ls how Its purpose was to train ex- regular students. Almost 70 but I urge you not to be in all pretending ANG had se- much the paper hopes you ceptional lawyers for both years ago, Gregory Swanson too much of a hurry to an- cured a summer job. will engage with us during the practice of law as well as ’51 became the first African swer them. Some of you may your time at law school. service to and leadership of American. Today, our com- have arrived here with set Thumbs side- The best way to do this is to the new democracy that was munity of students, faculty, plans for how you will use ways to crazy attend weekly editing meet- the United States. and staff is as diverse in your law degree, and per- summer campus ings in SL 279, eat some That continues to be the backgrounds, experiences, haps you will end up just security alerts. dinner (free Domino’s piz- mission of this Law School, beliefs, and passions as we where you expect. For many ANG hopes the next one za every week; it’s not Bel- and it is one that I hope are unified in our commit- of you, those plans will will involve a wacky genetic Air sandwiches—we’re not shapes your time here. We ment to the importance of change. And for those of you experiment escaped from made of money—but free will teach you the funda- the law and the legal educa- who don’t yet have a plan, the secluded UVA School of is free), and edit a piece or mentals of how to think tion that supports it. don’t worry. I am not wor- Medicine. two. Who knows, maybe an (and write and speak) with Such diversity is a gift. ried about any of you, what- employer will confuse the the analytical reasoning and Take advantage of what it ever your situation. There is Congratulations Law Weekly with a schol- precision of a lawyer. We offers. Meet people who so much you can’t possibly on the happy nup- arly journal––as they have will offer you opportunities are different from you, get know yet. tials of Mika Bray in past years––or ask you to work with real clients on to know them, learn from These next three years and Ian Carlin. about the times the paper real cases so that you can them. The honest and re- will transform you as you ANG loves wed- has been cited by SCO- acquire the integrity, judg- spectful exchange of ideas gain a new vocabulary and dings, and UVA Law wed- TUSblog1 or the Supreme ment, and perspective that is invaluable—not only in a new way of thinking, as dings are always a good you learn most effectively the classroom, but also in you learn the tools and time. 1 Edith Roberts, Poten- through experience. And we Scott Commons, in the sec- substance of the law. Law tial nominee profile: Amul will expose you to the broad tions you have been as- school will change you by Heart to Wel- sweep of interdisciplinary signed and the organiza- coming the Class perspectives—economics, tions you choose to join. It WELCOME page 6 of 2022 and seeing EIC GREETINGS page 5 jurisprudence, history, psy- is not always easy to speak old friends!! 2 Columns VIRGINIA LAW WEEKLY Wednesday, 28 August 2019 The 1L Guide to Surviving Cold Calls

The dreaded 1L cold call. It’s slide them on down.2 ing. Unless you are one of the answer, I found the “wrong” an- yourself by remembering that, a moment dramatized by Le- Don’t: Let your guard down ultra-geniuses that live among swer a student gave on a cold call and keeping in mind that you’re gally Blonde and Other Law after the cold call is done. The us who can figure out everything really insightful. Sometimes giv- playing the role of someone as professor may come back for on the spot,3 it’s going to be a re- ing a wrong answer will result in well. You can think of yourself as Jacob Jones ‘21 you for a comparison on the case ally awkward ten minutes of you a professor pointing you towards the witty lawyer before a judge, a Events Editor you were just grilled on. It may bumbling through the case. And the right answer. master Jedi being questioned by be months until this happens. that doesn’t help anyone. It will Do: Remember your profes- the Jedi Council on Coruscant, School Mov- Remember what the point of the be painfully obvious you didn’t sor wants to hug you and tell you or whatever image of yourself ies I Should’ve case was, because you’re not in read. So, for the sake of yourself you’re doing great deep down that makes you think of some- Watched by the clear. and your classmates, admit your inside. But as a legal practitioner one who is calm, cool, and col- Now. You will lected. never forget your first cold call.1 Don’t: Just start reading large I remember mine like it was excerpts from your casebook. yesterday. There I was, enjoying Reading smaller parts of cases mom’s spaghetti, when sudden- may work if they’re actually rel- ly my professor calls my name. evant and you need time to stall. I panicked, my spaghetti fell on But make sure you’re cooking up my sweater, and everything was a point in the back of your mind off to a terrible start. Don’t be while you read a small and rele- like me. Do better. Learn from vant portion of text. We all know the mistakes of your elders, what’s in the casebook. Your job mostly by reading this column. is to extrapolate, not xerox. Do: Take a deep breath. You Do: Encourage your class- read the case (hopefully). It’s all mates even if they didn’t do the in there. You’ve got your notes, best job. I remember feeling ter- maybe your seven highlighted rible about a few cold calls, but portions of the text, and your having friends say I did great casebook. That’s all you need. made me question my terrible- Nobody who’s stupid gets in ness.5 To this day I have no idea here. You can do this. whether I bombed out or just did Don’t: Cry. At least during the okay, but without encourage- cold call. It’s hard sometimes. ment I definitely would be sitting Do: Accept help from class- Depiction of what 1Ls believe a cold call is when they first hear the term. Photo courtesy of BuildCentral. here today telling you all about mates. This doesn’t help as the terrible job I did. much if you’re in the front row, Do: Be honest if you are com- unpreparedness,and promise to there’s going to be people who If all else fails: Make a joke. but if you have no idea what the pletely unprepared. Life hap- do better in the future. grill you on topics, and some of It will make you feel better to answer is, the answer whispered pens, and even the best stu- Don’t: Say I don’t know with- those people are not out to hug make everyone laugh even if you in your ear by a classmate is bet- dents sometimes come to class out taking your best guess. you.4 So your professor has to feel like you’re not doing great. ter than nothing. And remember without having done the read- Sometimes you can make an do her best to play the part of a Maybe your professor will even to help your classmates too! If intelligent point even if it’s not stern judge, or law firm partner, laugh. you’ve got the Quimbee notes, 2 If you are a professor what the professor has in mind. or whoever, because that’s how --- reading this, this is a joke and Most of the time when profes- they help you. And you can help [email protected] no UVA Law student uses Qui- sors were looking for a different mbee ever, for any purposes, 4 Have you ever seen an old 1 But other people will for- and we all read the cases seven 3 Those people are just the judge’s wig? Those things just 5 Something something get. times. worst. scream “don’t hug me!” UVA Law collegiality. Advice for 1Ls and New Professors

Welcome to the University Use your middle initial call it beginner’s luck for noth- resolve of our allies. As a pro- Only assign the most expen- of Virginia School of Law! You in everything. Law school is ing, and professors are always fessor, it is your job to keep the sive books, and double the price are about to embark on a jour- primarily about intimidation running scared from the students flame of knowledge alive, and if you wrote it yourself. Like the and respect, and nothing says who correct them in class. The what better way to do that than biblical parable of the talents, Drew Calamaro ‘21 that like a name people have to best way to get on anyone’s good to only provide a single avenue you are showing students that Satire Editor linger on for an extra syllable side is to correct them in front of by which students may learn in order to make money you simply because you refuse to others, and professors are no dif- your material, even though gotta spend it. What better ney unlike any make it shorter. You’re basi- ferent. Always stick to your guns, you have every opportunity to investment for them to make you have gone cally putting your classmates too, when you feel the professor provide more? You are a pro- than to rent your $200 text- on before. Like into a mental armbar the mo- is questioning your logic. They fessor, tending to the hearth of book? Knowledge is never free, a newborn sea- ment they meet you as they prefer you be dead wrong and learning like the Vestal Virgins and they will be glad—nay, hon- horse, most of you have been submit to your Alpha-betical ored—to put down that money ejected from your father’s fi- dominance. History is littered to receive the type of knowl- nancial safety net and into with forgotten figures who edge that only a member of The the turbulent currents of law chose not to use a middle ini- Academy could find useful. school. Like the seahorse, you tial when signing documents. are now literally underwater in However, the ones who did use Put your middle initial in your debt and will either die crash- that middle initial still live on name every time you write it. As ing against the coral reef or today, like Jesus H. Christ or I stated above, law school is all wither away on the inside as Jon B. Jovi. about intimidation, and you need you begin to rationalize your to look smart even before the stu- shift to Big Law as “a tempo- Come to class sick. Keep in dents set foot in your class. What rary thing.” mind that law students are better way to prove this than to This reality might worry you, notoriously soft, and pushing put an extra letter in your name? but fear not! I am your spiri- through that sickness by go- You are showing them that you tual guide on the way to accep- ing to class and coughing the are more than just a first and last tance of this reality. As such, whole time will show those name. You are also a middle ini- I have some wise words for classmates how tough and tial and a period. When they see both students and new profes- committed you are. If you are that middle initial, they will think sors. What to do, what not to sick, never sit in the back of the of parchment paper, tortoiseshell do, and how to do law school. class—always sit in the middle, glasses, and celibacy—all the I may even write a book on so that everyone around you great things associated with The that topic and slap on some can really hear and see your Academy. punny title to sucker 0Ls into runny nose and used tissues buying it just to get an edge on on the table. That will im- I know that, although this their competition.1 So buckle press them to the point where Drew A. Calamaro ‘21 shown doing research for his Law Weekly position. is great advice, many of you up as I guide you like Virgil they can’t stop talking about will still have questions about through the depths of your how brave you are for push- convinced you are right than for of old. However much your law school. I believe that it is first $85,000 of loans year of ing through the sickness, even you to question your pre-formed students may want you to post important that I answer every school at the University of Vir- though you could have stayed conclusions about a given topic. those slides in a timely manner, single one. So please write in, ginia School of Law! home and asked for someone you know that forcing them to dear reader, and I will do my to take notes instead. Advice for new professors: guess where you are going with best to guide you through your Some simple advice for 1Ls: a particularly juicy anecdote in first year here. Your gut feeling is always Never record your class- the lecture will keep them lean right, so be sure to correct pro- es, and never post slides and fit. This, of course, is the --- 1 Working title: 1 L of a fessors within the first two class- before class. It weakens the true lesson of your class. [email protected] Ride es of the semester. They don’t minds of our students and the Wednesday, 28 August 2019 VIRGINIA LAW WEEKLY Features 3 Law Weekly’s Guide to Healthful Exercise

As we start the year, what nically illegal to cross. The dog parent, pup-watching! cascading falls for almost before ascending straight up btter way to get off on the Rivanna Trails Foundation the entire time. The water- for a mile on a hill covered in right foot than to go on the App has street and satellite fall is the tallest east of the enormous marble boulders. right hike? maps to help you find your Mississippi River, at around There is no solid ground! Christina Luk ‘21 location and keep the adven- Executive Editor ture going. There are Humpback Rocks (Blue a great many Ridge Parkway) paths one may take in life, and The hike at Humpback the start of the Rocks is nature’s homage to year represents for many of the Law School. As art mim- us the start of a new journey. ics life, so too does the gru- For our new intrepid 1Ls, a eling uphill trek mimic the learning curve of 1L life. The Ali Zablocki ‘19 hike at Humpback Rocks be- Editor Emeritus gins with a beautiful thirty- five minute drive from town. hike in nature Take I-64 and, everyone but will refresh the the driver, direct your cam- mind and pre- era phones at Rockfish Valley serve your san- as you approach the summit ity. For those returning from at Afton Mountain. You will a busy summer, fresh from not disappoint your Insta- the gentle ravages of OGI gram followers. or glumly returning from a At the south end of the sweet month-long vacation Humpback Gap parking lot, following a 2L summer job, a follow the blue blazes on the hike will recoup those broken trees to Humpback Rocks. spirits. For the celebratory, (The same parking lot also the crestfallen, and all those gives access to the aptly on the middle path, there is named Humpback Mountain hiking. What is a tort? Con- and the Humpback Rocks tracts who? Meeting of the picnic area.) At about a half- Humpback Rocks. Don’t do it, you have so much to live for! Like Torts II, its like Torts I but without the texts complaining about minds? All that will come in mile up the trail, take the your sectionmates. due time. Take off now for spur trail on the left to be- the green and vibrant hills! gin the ascent. This 700-foot Crabtree Falls (Nelson 1,000 feet high, and its roar Consider this one of the more Nothing beats the hiking climb represents the arduous County) is soothing in the extreme. challenging options on our trails of Virginia. I present to first year of law school. This Around 2.5 miles long, end- list. Dani’s pro-tip? When ing at the top of the falls and you descend, stay to the right with views that can only be (facing the hill) and use the described as food for the solid ground path. Also, go on soul, Crabtree Falls trail may a cooler day, because there’s be the most restorative of no shade to be found here. Law Weekly’s recommended hikes. Bring a book (for fun, Sharp Top/The Peaks of not school, duh), bring some Otter—This Virginia classic lunch or just cookies (the is around two hours from perfect snack for any peak), school. Sharp Top is a mod- go with friends or alone erately steep 1.5 mile hike up (you’ll end up running into with a 360-degree view that some dogs with their humans makes it the most popular of almost any day of the week, the Peaks of Otter, although so it won’t be an utterly lone- the other two peaks are ly wander in the wilderness) unique and enjoyable hikes . . . and if you go in October, in their own right. the trees will be flaming with color, AND you might see a Need hiking buddies? seasonally-appropriate, neon Section-mates abhor na- orange pumpkin spider! ture and its accompanying creepy-crawlies? We at Law Hidden Gems from Sea- Weekly tip our hats off to soned Hiker Dani Gib- OVAL (Outdoors at Virginia bons ’21 Law), the club that organiz- es great retreats and hikes Devil’s Marbleyard—This throughout the year. Blue Hole, somewhere your ancestors would be ashamed that you hangout with no shelter. Photo courtesy of Healthy in CVille location is an hour and a half --- you, Law Weekly’s Guide to rocky, uphill scramble re- This perfect half-day hike away from the Law School, [email protected] Healthful Exercise. wards you with a job spectac- winds up through the woods, but it is sure to please. Enjoy [email protected] ular view of the Rockfish and with at least a glimpse of the an easy hike up to the yard Rivanna Trail Shenandoah Valleys. 2Ls and 3Ls may saunter downwards The Rivanna Trail starts at a more sedate pace along just outside the Law School the Appalachian Trail, per- doors, making it accessible haps finishing the day at one for even those of us in the of the lovely wineries nearby, deepest and darkest of gun- or, go wild, even a cidery. ner pits. To find freedom and fresh air, one need simply to Blue Hole (Sugar Hol- walk out the double doors by low) Caplin Auditorium, down to the D3 parking lot, and off Are you in the mood for a into the trees. The Rivanna swim? Ready to submerge Trail is a gentle 19-mile road yourself in something other that winds through the cheer- than cold sweat and anxiety? ful city of Charlottesville, per- Sugar Hollow is only thirty fect for meditational walking minutes away! Bring some or running. There are some water-resistant shoes or be very cool spots, such as the prepared to wet your toes, one just behind the Conser- because this short 1.5 mile vatory on Main Grounds. The hike has a number of water Trail gets a little tricky by crossings. The idyllic Blue Old Ivy Road, where it seems Hole swimming hole has both to break off, but worry not, it a pool and a shallow creek for picks up again once you find sitting. This is also a fantas- the train tracks, which honor tic spot for pup-walking or, compels me to say are tech- if you’re still only a wannabe Water falling down rocks at Crabtree Falls, a place to sit and reflect and ponder your narative of why BigLaw is right for you. 4 Colophon VIRGINIA LAW WEEKLY Wednesday, 28 August 2019 LAW WEEKLY FEATURE: Court of Petty Appeals The Court of Petty Appeals is the highest appellate jurisdiction court at UVA Law. The Court has the power to review any and all decisions, conflicts, and disputes that arise involving, either directly, indirectly, or tangentially, the Law School or its students. The Court comprises four associate justices and one Chief Justice. Opinions shall be released periodically and only in the official court reporter: the Virginia Law Weekly. Please email a brief summary of any and all con- flicts to [email protected]

1L Gunners v. Every- section gossip from the day Court will hear the appeal er Court of Petty Problems one Else before and work on learning Procedural Posture and restore order across the must find: (1) a likelihood 324 U.Va 22 (2019) the complexities of doctrine. Sue, Matthews, and Law School. As a Senior As- of success on the merits, (2) This morning, though, Hayden reconvened in ScoCo sociate Justice 3L, I am not the plaintiffs face a substan- Elicegui, J., delivered Sue arrived at school as and decided to seek recourse particularly in a mood to do tial threat of harm or injury the opinion of the Court, in usual to find her confer- in the school’s best forum any work, but someone has without the injunction, (3) which Shmazzle, C.J., Ranzi- the threat is immediate, (4) ni, Luk, and Schmid, JJ. join. the balance of harms weighs aw students may not recover in favor of the plaintiffs, (5) Justice Elicegui delivered there is no other available the opinion of the Court. remedy, and (6) granting the for intentional infliction injunction serves the public Summary “L interest. Hungry Students As happens every year, the v. SBA, 86 Va. 456 (2004) brand-new 1Ls have been of emotional distress from other law (granting a preliminary in- running around the school junction against SBA that re- for a week, finding their fa- quired SBA to provide more vorite study spots, surviv- students because the emotional distress than two pizzas at the Thurs- ing their first cold calls, and day Social because people bonding with their section are hungry). According to friends. When left unattend- should be expected.” - J. Elicegui Judge Cruz, all of these con- ed, though, this year’s crop ditions were met. Whether of 1Ls developed a complex. that is so is a question of They began to think that law and will be reviewed de they rule the school. Well, ence room occupied by a for addressing wrongs—the to address the fact that the novo. Judge Cruz misapplied that comes to a stop today. group of strangers. A group Court of Petty Problems. The kindergarteners have taken the law because she ignored of tan, beautiful, and a little plaintiffs allege intentional over the school study spaces. a basic rule of Petty Law, Facts chubby-looking people were infliction of emotional dis- I did not want to spend my which will be underscored This morning, three lounging around feasting on tress and unlawful conver- first class of 3L doing justice explicitly today: 1Ls lose. 1Ls—Sally Sue, Mike Mat- Bodo’s Bagels, downing iced sion. They seek a temporary instead of paying attention The plaintiffs cannot thews, and Hank Hayden— coffee, and laughing loudly. injunction to prevent the 3Ls in class—I would much rath- succeed on the merits for filed a lawsuit alleging inten- Sue was flabbergasted. Who from taking over their con- er spend that time on Twit- several reasons. First, 1Ls tional infliction of emotional were these creatures and ference room. ter. But, c’est la vie, some- lose. The court acknowledg- distress and unlawful con- where did they come from?! At the lower court, the thing must be done. Thus, es that 1Ls may win when version. Over the last week, These were the 3Ls of Sec- Court of Petty Problems, the the temporary injunction they are right, but the court the three 1Ls of Section F tion Z, tan from spending all brand-new 1L Judge Elaine issued by the lower court is assumes 1Ls will misapply have developed a morning of August deep in vacation Cruz granted the preliminary hereby overturned and this the law, and therefore places routine. Sue arrives at school mode and a little bit chubbi- injunction for the plaintiffs. court grants summary judg- a higher burden of proof on first and puts her stuff down er from all of the steaks their According to Judge Cruz, ment in favor of the defen- 1Ls to make good legal argu- in the conference room law firms had fed them this the 1Ls showed a likelihood dants because, under Petty ments. The plaintiffs in this across from the bookstore summer. The 3Ls were here of success on the merits be- Rule of Civil Procedure One, case do not meet that bur- (prime studying territory— to reclaim their territory. cause 1Ls have a cognizable “we do what we want.” The den. arguably the best study spot Sue worked up her cour- right over the conference 1Ls have not pled any cog- The plaintiffs cannot in the school, since the room age and walked into the con- room, gained by occupying nizable harms for which re- show that the 3Ls inflicted has its own thermostat). Sue ference room, explaining it for the last week, and the dress may be granted and emotional distress on them then goes to grab a coffee to the occupants that she 3Ls violated that right by have not shown a likelihood because they cannot prove and chat with Mandy. Some and her friends have occu- taking over the conference of success on the merits. causation. Additionally, days she even gets a choco- pied this room every morn- room and laughing at Sue. In order to grant a pre- emotional distress is a harm late chip muffin or a scone. ing for the past WEEK. Did The 3Ls immediately ap- liminary injunction, the low- within the risk of attending While Sue gets her caf- these interlopers not under- pealed the decision to this COPA page 6 feine and sugar fix, Mat- stand that 1L is the hardest illustrious body, the Court thews and Hayden arrive year and that they need this of Petty Appeals. The appeal in the conference room and space to focus and do their stated, “We don’t really feel Faculty Quotes settle in. When Sue gets ten pages of Civ Pro read- like writing a full brief, but back, the three brand-new ing? The 3Ls looked at Sue someone needs to put the M. Collins: “I feel liber- J. Setear: “I’ve been teach- section besties begin dis- and laughed. “Get outta 1Ls back in their place.” ated knowing I can say what- ing over 30 years… wait, that cussing the reading from last here,” said Riley Rivers. ever I want now that I know can’t be… damn it is.” night, trying to get down the “Talk to me when you have Analysis the Law Weekly has finished intricacies of Pennoyer v. thirty pages of Sec Reg read- Although the 3Ls’ brief publishing for the semester” J. Harrison: “My advice Neff and in rem jurisdiction. ing that you’re never going did not comply with the Pet- if there’s a natural disaster This has become a comfort- to do.” The rest of the 3Ls ty Rules of Civil Procedure J. Mahoney: “What is while you’re taking an exam: ing, cozy routine that allows cracked up, and Sue ran out and did not really lay out that line from The Wizard of exercise your own judgment.” the friends to catch up on of the room in tears. any arguments per se, this Oz? ‘Toto, we’re not in Kansas anymore’? Well, you’re not in T. Nachbar: “I”m going to the world of commercial con- draw another arrow, though tracts anymore.” I know we all thought it was impossible for me to do that.” Virginia Law Weekly Ad. Bamzai: “That’s the thing with good criminals, Have a good professor COLOPHON misplaced effort... have you quote? Email editor@law- guys seen The Wire?” M. Eleanor Schmalzl ’20 weekly.org! Editor-in-Chief

Christina Luk ‘21 Executive Editor

David Ranzini ‘20 Michael Schmid ‘21 Taylor Elicegui ‘20 Managing Editor Production Editor Features Editor Samuel Pickett ‘21 Anand Jani ‘20 Grace Tang ‘21 News Editor Special Projects Editor Lifestyle Editor Kolleen Gladden ‘21 Raphael Cho ’21 Douglas Graebner ‘21 Photographer Cartoonist-in-Chief Format Editor Jacob Jones ‘21 Lena Welch ‘20 Tyler D’Ambrose ‘21 Events Editor New Media Editor Columns Editor

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Wednesday, 28 August 2019 VIRGINIA LAW WEEKLY Hot Bench 5 Pointing the Finger: Who’s Really Responsible for America’s Problems Right Now Ha! Are you kidding me? Do with a flamethrower and that White Claws cold. It is a simple depend on anyone who eats her- of packing a fat lip. you think I want to belly-flop into the only way to stop her is to buy purpose, yes, but a true one, and ring), and the cheerful, futuristic Needless to say, the infernal that minefield? I’m not touch- taint wipes from InfoWars and honest. And I respect that. Call beeps and flashing lights emanat- laundry devices had to be de- Will Palmer ‘21 watch a bunch of Russia Today. me a Luddite if you want (hell, ing from the new machines only stroyed. That night, I dragged Staff Editor While we’re on the topic tweet at me from your smart served to reinforce my trepida- them into the backyard, poured of Amazon, we might as well water onto their circuit boards, mention the fact that their face and buried them next to my twin ing it with a ten- recognition software, the not- brother Damien. Staging the meter pole. So, at-all-villainously-named ‘Rek- scene to make it look like a very instead of blithely ognition,’ now ‘rekognizes’ fear specific type of burglary had oc- wallowing in the (wow, that was terrible). Maybe curred was difficult, but it’s do- treacherous waters of political if Jeff Bezos dedicated less of his able. I would know. opinion, I’m going to go ahead schedule to pushing humanity So, how to resolve the smart- and talk about why smart home into the darkest possible time- home dilemma? The first option technology gives me the willies. line, he could figure out how to that comes to mind, as with many Here’s an anecdote to set the send sexts that don’t immedi- of life’s troubles, is to flee the sur- scene: An acquaintance of mine ately clue everyone in to the fact face and join the mole-people (let’s call him Dennis) received that he’s an actual robot. No of- in their underground kingdom. an Amazon Alexa in the mail fense to Mecha-Bezos. I mean, However, if you’re not a fan of some time ago. Dennis had not people are entitled to their sexual becoming a Morlock, there’s an- ordered an Alexa. There was proclivities, you know. Let there other choice: stop bugging your no information on the package be a thousand blossoms bloom- own residence. Or at least do so identifying the sender. Dennis ing as far as I’m concerned. But minimally. used it anyway. It turned out I ain’t spending any time on it, I don’t need to worry about that a mutual friend had sent because in the meantime, every Boris from the FSB hacking an the device in question, presum- three months, a person is torn Alexa or smart fridge and order- ably with the intention of either to pieces by a crocodile in North ing 50-gallon tubs of Vaseline (1) bugging Dennis’s domicile for Queensland.* off Amazon using my account. salacious purposes, (2) teaching But I digress. Don’t put that evil on me. I worry Dennis a valuable lesson about Where were we? Right, smart enough about this wish-grant- responsible technology use in the home devices. My reptilian To some just a fridge, to Will Palmer ‘21, the bane of his existence. Photo courtesy ing guitar I bought at a moonlit modern age, or (3) both. How- brain’s immediate reaction to of Samsung. crossroads in Georgia to have to ever, it could just as easily have smart refrigerators—much like fridge if you feel like it**), but I’ll tion. In my mind, the ideal home deal with g*ddamn Skynet. And been some dude named Boris my instant response to snakes be the one laughing after the Rise appliance is one that endlessly I already have enough Vaseline who’s a contractor for the FSB and green ketchup—is one of ex- of the Appliances. belches coal smoke and requires left over from Prime Day. and works a crappy desk job with treme, almost paralyzing, disgust My parents, unfortunately, two tins of long cut Grizzly a day *This delightful bit of com- terrible benefits manipulating and horror at the sight of this do not possess the same appre- to function. The gleaming silver mentary comes to you courtesy the American public by remotely thing that should not be. I looked hensions. In January, they pur- monoliths, towering like Nordic of Australian MP Bob Katter. The accessing our consumer elec- over at my refrigerator just now. chased a new washer and dryer. icons of the laundry room, most man knows his priorities. tronics. Next thing you know, (It was running.) It doesn’t have But these weren’t just any laun- assuredly did not meet this stan- **I don’t have a Twitter ac- your Alexa is telling you that Twitter capabilities and it doesn’t dry machines: these were from dard. They probably used Skoal count. Nancy Pelosi spends her free know the weather or keep track Sweden. I already possess an in- pouches. . .or snus. Leave it to the --- time burning down orphanages of my schedule. It keeps my nate distrust of Swedes (you can’t Europeans to take all the grit out [email protected] Where is your favorite If you could make one EIC Greetings Neff, but you will look back place to vacation? rule that everyone had and recall the memories you HOT France to follow, what would it continued from page 1 made with good friends. be? In case you need another BENCH What’s something you Bring the keurigs back to reason to read and contrib- wish you’d known about mylab Court.2 ute to the paper every week, law school before com- The less obvious but no less know that the Law Weekly ing to UVA Law? What’s your spirit an- critical way to engage with has been named the best Every printer in the library imal? the paper is by being involved law school newspaper in the is out of order during finals Cows- they’re always somewhere in the Law School country for three years run- snacking and they sit in the community. Don’t find a hole ning by the American Bar What did you have for sun playing all day in the library and stay there Association. We work really breakfast this morning? all year. Join organizations, hard to make this a paper Juice laundry What’s your favorite write opinion pieces on things you’ll enjoy. Many schools food? you are passionate about in don’t have a law school news- If you could live any- Cheese the Law School community, paper, and not all of your Jenny Lewis ‘20 where, where would it be active, send us faculty fellow law students across be? If you could be in the quotes! (But not from Pro- the country have access to What is your favorite Next door to Doug Leslie Olympics, which sport fessors Mitchell or Doran— stories like these. The paper phrase? would you compete in? you have been warned.) Not always has room to improve, ¿Porque no los dos? What’s your least fa- Complaining only have you chosen one of but know that this—a weekly, vorite sound? the best law schools in the semi-satirical paper—is a Where did you grow The sound of someone pos- Where is a place you country to attend, you have unique concept, and we want up? ing a hypothetical in class haven’t been but want also selected one with a huge to keep that alive for years to Houston, with a brief to travel to? array of options to make an come. stint in Singapore What’s the best gift Karaoke night at Pizza impact on your surrounding As you begin your Law you’ve ever received? Hut community. Don’t waste that School journey (or begin What’s the best meal My dog opportunity. There’s a rea- it again), the Law Weekly you’ve ever had? What are you look- son UVA Law produces the wishes you the greatest suc- I ate some bright orange Backstreet Boys or ing forward to after you happiest law graduates and cess and the least possible curry someone made in *NSYNC? graduate? why 3Ls are actually sad to need to understand Latin high school once. Don’t *NSYNC, but I will admit The ample free time I’ll leave, so don’t miss the good phrases. We’ll be here, telling know what it was, but I the Backstreet Boys’ recent get as an associate in Big old days that are law school the stories of the Law School. think about it at least week- single “don’t go breaking my Law because you “need” to make We hope you’ll continue to ly heart” is a jam Law Review or haven’t fin- pick up the paper and enjoy! What are you going to ished highlighting every line If you could meet one What is the best con- miss most about the law of your textbook because “it’s --- celebrity, who would it cert you have ever been school? all important for the final.”3 [email protected] be and why? to? My pals You won’t remember what RBG so I can show her my Spice girls SpiceWorld happened in Pennoyer v. tattoo of her dissent collar Tour 1998 What are the 7 won- ders of the law school? Thapar, SCOTUSblog (Jul. 3, What’s your favor- What’s your favorite Free food table, Mandy, 2018, 9:59 AM), https://www. ite hobby to avoid the thing to do in Charlottes- MyLab, wb248 printer, first scotusblog.com/2018/07/po- stress of law school? ville? floor Slaughter bathrooms, tential-nominee-profile-amul- Napping Nap Mandy (she’s two wonder- thapar/. worthy), and the unoccu- If you won the lottery, If you had Matrix-like pied classroom I frequently 2 Patterson v. New York, what would you do with learning, what would nap in 432 U.S. 197 (1977). it? you learn? --- Retire Basic math [email protected] 3 Pro tip: it isn’t. 6 The Back Page VIRGINIA LAW WEEKLY Wednesday, 28 August 2019 WELCOME will carry on our historic COPA law students because the to the room. continued from page 1 traditions, and you will also continued from page 4 emotional distress should be make new ones. You make expected. Summary this Law School what it is. It Additionally, the plain- In conclusion, the 3Ls running you through the is why we chose each of you law school. When you pay tiffs cannot demonstrate un- are back, baby. We rule the gauntlet of torts, contracts, to join us and to become us. your first tuition bill or get lawful conversion because school and everyone else legal research and writing, I know I speak for all the fac- your first student loan dis- the 3Ls have a much stron- better prepare themselves. and more. You will come ulty and staff when I say that bursement, you experience ger claim to the conference 1Ls lose and all cases from out the other side of this we cannot wait to see what shocks that are designed room. The court takes judi- here on out will proceed year the same person that you will do with your time to prepare you for the fact cial notice of the fact that from the presumption that brought you to law school here, who you will become, that law school is emotion- this group of 3Ls uses the 1Ls are wrong. This is the but also a different person. and how you will change us ally stressful. When you ex- conference room in question first of petty applications of Inside and outside the as we all, together, embark perience your first cold call, frequently. As an Associate this new rule, but I’m sure it classroom, we will offer you on our third century. that experience reinforces Senior Justice, I have walked won’t be the last. more opportunities than the emotional rollercoaster past that room on my way you will be able to take to --- that is law school. How else to buy Diet Coke from the It is so ordered. become your new lawyer [email protected] would we prepare 1Ls for Bookstore and I have seen self. That is the beauty of a their first finals? Law stu- all of them. That is enough of --- law school that boasts stu- dents may not recover for in- a basis to conclude that the [email protected] dents who are the best and tentional infliction of emo- 3Ls are there a lot. There- the brightest in the nation, tional distress from other fore, they have a better claim world-class faculty engaged in groundbreaking research, and experiential learning Cartoon By Christina that will let you put your classroom knowledge to work immediately. So join a journal, take a clinic, do moot court, take on leader- ship roles in student organi- zations. Your experiences here will prompt you to imagine al- ternative futures for your- selves. Imagine yourself in the courtroom and the boardroom. Imagine what it would be like to argue be- fore the Supreme Court and to help a family stay in its home. Try out transactional work and litigation, local government and interna- tional law. Like all those who have gone before you, you will leave here transformed and

you will leave here having transformed this place. You Enjoy! GMT. 2019 13:55:25 25 Aug Sun on http://www.opensky.ca/sudoku by Generated

TIME EVENT LOCATION COST FOOD? WEDNESDAY – August 28 13:00 – Pro Bono Orientation WB 152 Free ---- 14:00 Session Stop by the Law FOMO if you don’t Weekly table to 17:00 – Spies Garden (rain SBA Activities Fair check out the Law hear how to get 19:00 location Caplin Pavilion) Weekly free pizza every Puzzle 1 (Medium, difficulty ratingSUDOKU 0.50) Monday night… THURSDAY – August 29 The best value on 10:00 – PILA 2L/3L Book Sale WB Lounge all of your required … Books? 17:00 8 6 4 2 texts 11:30 – Federalist Society: Purcell Free ---- 12:45 Originalism 101 2 7 4 12:00 – Lile Moot Court Interest Food provided WB 126 Free 12:45 Meeting with RSVP 17:15- Refreshments Public Service Kickoff Caplin Pavilion Free 1 9 19:15 provided FRIDAY – August 30

t Great deals for 9 2 8 those slackers (read 10:00 – PILA 2L/3L Book Sale WB Lounge “3Ls”) who still More books? 17:00 haven’t gotten their books 5 6 8 7 3 4 Extramural Moot Court 12:30 – Tryout Information WB 152 Free Provided 14:00 Session 2 3 6

o c k e SATURDAY – August 31 10:00 – You know the drill PILA 2L/3L Book Sale WB Lounge See above 17:00 by now 5 1 Women’s Volleyball: D 10:00 & Virginia v. Loyola (10:00) Memorial Gym Free with student ID --- 18:30 and Virginia v. Coastal 3 2 9 Carolina (18:30) SUNDAY – September 1 h e American 9 5 6 2 14:00 Antony and Cleopatra Shakespeare Center in Starts at $21 --- T Staunton 17:30 – Blue Ridge Jazz Quartet Grace Estate Winery Free --- Generated by http://www.opensky.ca/sudoku on Sun Aug 25 13:55:25 2019 GMT. Enjoy! 20:30 Solution MONDAY – September 2

Extramural Moot Court

13:00 – Tryout Information WB 152 Free Provided 7 2 6 1 3 5 8 4 9 14:30 Session

17:15 – Honor Support Officer 9 8 4 2 7 6 5 3 1 WB 102 Free --- 3 1 5 8 4 9 7 2 6

18:30 Interest Meeting

TUESDAY – September 3 5 6 9 3 1 4 2 7 8 12:00 – Rivanna Investments 4 3 2 7 9 8 1 6 5 WB 104 Free Provided

13:00 General Body Meeting Provided with 1 7 8 5 6 2 4 9 3

Community Justice 12:00 - RSVP in 8 5 7 6 2 3 9 1 4 Project Information WB 103 Free

13:00 Symplicity by Session 6 4 1 9 8 7 3 5 2

9/2 Provided with 2 9 3 4 5 1 6 8 7

Real Deal: Legal Aid and RSVP in 13:00 Purcell Free 0.50) rating difficulty (Medium, 1 Puzzle Social Justice Symplicity by 9/2 15:45 – Student Loan Entrance Anxiety-inducing Caplin Auditorium --- 16:45 Counseling student loan burden