Law Weekly 2017, 2018, & 2019 ABA Law Student Division Best Newspaper Award-Winner A Look Heedful Advice for Outgoing 1Ls...... 3 Exiled...in Texas?...... 4 Inside: Law Weekly 3Ls Say Farewell...... 5 The Law Weekly presents the final edition of Volume 72. See you in August!

Wednesday, 15 April 2020 The Newspaper of the School of Law Since 1948 Volume 72, Number 24 SBA Update: around north Current Love in the Time of grounds and New Initiatives Corona: Celebrating Thumbs up to possibly the wildest Katharine Janes ‘21 3Ls (Safely) school-year of the SBA President century coming to a close at UVA Law. Hi all, Thumbs side- It has been quite the month ways to over a to be a student at UVA Law. month of quaran- When this piece is published, tine. While ANG it will have been exactly four was sad at first to not see weeks since classes went from ANG’s friends and family, in-person to online. Since ANG then remembered that that time, we started taking ANG has no friends or family courses on entirely new plat- anyway and finally doesn’t forms; rallied as a student have to pretend anymore. body in support of grading policy changes, against aca- Thumbs up to demic policy injustice, and the Law Weekly in favor of contract worker for putting out five wellbeing; and we’ve found (5) hilarious, possi- new and creative ways to re- bly award-winning, editions main engaged with one an- even after the world ended. other. I have been so proud to be a part of the community Thumbs side- we occupy and, as SBA Presi- ways to “UVA dent, I am working tirelessly Cares.” While a to ensure student voices are nice gesture from heard as decisions are made the Law School Administra- throughout this time. I want- tion, ANG would prefer to Pictured: The Strong, Beautiful Men discussing the possibility of finding a t-shirt large enough to use as a communal sleeping bag while still maintaining social distancing guidelines. Photo Courtesy of Ben ed to take this chance to out- Stietevar ’22. see administrators put their line how SBA has been—and law degrees to use and advo- will continue to be—advocat- Ben Stievatar ‘22 group. While some members multiple professors passive- cate for UVA to pay its con- ing on your behalf. Events Editor of the Landing Crew can- aggressively (or very direct- tract employees. The transition to online As both society and the not be with us (shout-out to ly) called him out. And when learning has brought to light Law School adapt to the new Jordin Dickerson!), they are Jake was late to our Civ Pro Thumbs up to all many structural problems of realities and challenges that with us in spirit. mid-term. And our Civ Pro the virtual interns concern to students, and SBA coronavirus brings, many Anna and Kareem: Anna final. Really, any time Jake who’ll work as has heard student feedback aspects of life that once Noone and Kareem Rama- Sendar was late. hard as ANG this loud and clear. In response, seemed a given are in flux. dan. We met at a party (yeah, A&K: The very first week summer. SBA plans to undertake a From online classes and gro- we partied) when Anna was of class 1L, one of our pro- thorough review of the poli- cery shopping to grabbing a a sophomore in high school, fessors just failed to show Thumbs side- cies and procedures that im- drink with friends and hit- and Kareem was a junior. up for class. They barely ac- ways to the UVA pact students at UVA Law. ting the gym, activities as Eight years later, we recon- knowledged it next time we Talent Show Face- In line with recent con- we know them are changing nected when we were living saw them, just saying “that book group. While versations with students before our eyes due to quar- and working and committed was weird, hope that doesn’t ANG appreciates seeing and SBA, and following the antining and social distanc- to coming to UVA Law. We happen again.” Our section students’ talents, ANG does recent charge by Dean Gol- ing. So too are love and mod- ended up in the same sec- stayed in the room for at not appreciate being banned uboff in the Law Weekly to ern romance. In this serious tion, sitting next to each oth- least twenty-five minutes be- from the group for com- “[gather] student views to and anxious time, the staff er in pretty much every class. fore we gave up. It was really menting, “I could do that make recommendations to at the Law Weekly thought it We started dating in October unexpected and funny! too, I just don’t want to” on the curriculum and academic would be intriguing, pleas- of 1L. TSBM: Not from 1L sec- every video. review committees,” we plan antly distracting, and (dare The Strong, Beautiful Men: tions, but learning that Ben to form an ad hoc committee we say it) heartwarming We are the Strong, Beautiful does not understand iPhone Thumbs up to that will investigate three key to hear how couples and Men–Ben Cabranes, Scott keyboard shortcuts. Also, Libel for still put- areas of governance at the singles alike are handling Caravello, Sam Connor, Zach storming the Corner after ting out videos Law School: academic poli- romance in light of all these Gaver, Jeremy Gordon, Taz the swept the NCAA during this Co- cies, transparency in decision changes. You’ve heard of Jones, Kevin Leitao, Michael Tourney in 2019. rona Craze™. ANG cer- making, and student repre- Love in the Time of Cholera, McQueeney, Read Mills, tainly didn’t ask for them, sentation within the shared but get ready for Love in the and David Wang. We met Let’s pivot for a second but ANG’s definitely bored governance structure. This Time of Corona. in an online chatroom. We to address the elephant enough to watch them. working group—comprised then consolidated into two in the room. What do you of both SBA and non-SBA This week’s guests are houses, united by Taz’s occa- consider to be the biggest Thumbs down to members—will serve as a a gaggle of 3Ls, reflecting sionally irritating social en- disruption that corona- the Office of Stu- conduit for student feedback on their #love for each thusiasm, but pushed apart virus has caused for the dent Records for on these focus areas, and it other and this place. by Zach’s poorly behaved Class of 2020? not telling ANG will work with stakehold- Husky. [Zach disagrees and TLC: The cancellation of that third-year practice cer- ers throughout the school to Hey y’all! Thanks for insists that Fletcher is a nice everything. In-person class- tificates were due on Tues- propose effective solutions coming on Love in the boy.] es, everything we were look- day. ANG knows that public to the problems that have Time of Corona. Let’s ing forward to, the bar exam, service students won’t be the been brought to light. It will get some basics: Who Some deep 1L roots saying goodbye to people primary alumni donors, but complete this mission with are you and how do you here! Any favorite mem- who we won’t see for a long still! an eye towards increasing know each other? ories from your 1L sec- time. transparency, fostering bet- The Landing Crew: Nellie tion? A&K: Probably postpon- Thumbs sideways ter communication between Black, Manal Cheema, and TLC: When our LRW pro- ing the bar. Other than that, to spring. Is ANG students and the administra- Eleanor Schmalzl. We were fessor announced the best not getting to see our friends coughing because of tion, advocating for margin- all section-mates and live memo award, our section- again and say bye to them, ANG’s allergies, or alized and underrepresented together now. Since we’re in mate Jake Sendar ’20 pro- especially the ones practic- does ANG have COVID-19? students, and increasing the quarantine together (but also ceeded to ask, “Mine was ing in different jurisdictions power of the student voice in because we absolutely adore second though, right?” It each other), we decided to was super awkward. Also, CORONA LOVE page 2 SBA UPDATE page 3 answer these questions as a every time he was late and 2 Columns Wednesday, 15 April 2020 and game nights to keep up time. Let’s go back down Civil Procedure lunch crew, you’d like to say to the CORONA LOVE with everyone. For people memory lane and do a and just the beauty of this Law School community continued from page 1 still in town, we have found lightning round. Favor- place. It’s a one-of-a-kind at large? that going on walks with ite class/professor? city. TLC: *sobs uncontrolla- than us. We also wanted to folks is a responsible way to TLC: Criminal Law with A&K: This is the last time bly* HAGS! go to beach week! see each other but stay six Professor Bonnie. we will all be students, so A&K: It will always hold a TSBM: Since Bilt and Virg feet apart. A&K: We are both Gilbert we will miss seeing all of special place with us, and we have closed down, no one can TSBM: Well, over on Hunt- fans; between us, we have our friends every day. Also, can’t wait to come back and go back to get their phones, wood Lane, Scott is blasting taken a total of six Gilbert all the food (see: Bang, Thai enjoy all the places we ex- wallets, or keys. the heat and audibly doing classes. Fresh, etc.). Also, free polo at pected to go this spring. See hot yoga in the living room TSBM: Local Business Dy- King Family Vineyards! As a you guys on the flip side. Have you found any while Read and Jeremy are namics and Emerging Craft horse girl, that never got old TSBM: [UVA Law has creative ways to deal in their Zoom class. At JPA, Brew Technologies, taught for Anna. meant] learning how to work with these disruptions? Zach’s Husky, Fletcher, is by Professor Sheri at Durty TSBM: First, our fog ma- as a team, like when we all TLC: We all uniformly hate slowly adjusting to life with Nelly’s. chines, and second, our ser- split fried chicken buckets at Zoom, so we use it sparingly. Taz’s Husky, Levon, but Mi- vice to the VJIL Editorial Wayside; figuring out how to We have been working out chael has moved out for fear Favorite experience/ Board. make Scott really angry, as more to pass the time and of getting caught up in a dog- involvement at the Law Funniest story? we’ve come to master; watch- get outside, and have been fight. Sam has been hiding out School? TLC: Sydney Mark ’20 ing Michael grow from a boy watching lots of Netflix and on the beach for weeks now, TLC: Our ScoCo monitor- twerking at every softball into a man; and long and ro- eating group dinners. We try and David won’t stop throt- ing. We had our table of au- game, and screaming at the mantic Lime rides together to stay in touch with people tling the fog machine(s). So thority. You all know what other team for not playing in the warm summer breeze. outside the apartment by no, Law Weekly, we haven’t we’re talking about. enough Pitbull. And our sec- texting and calling, but it’s “found creative ways to deal A&K: We were on an inner tion team beating the merce- And that’s a wrap, folks. weirdly hard to do these with the disruptions.” But tube water polo team with a nary team in the fall NGSL Many thanks to the Landing days. Maybe it’s too much we have learned to coexist bunch of our friends–shout- playoffs. We can take any- Crew, Anna and Kareem, screen time. without burning our houses out Trent, Laura, Vik, Carter, body on a good day. and the Strong, Beautiful A&K: We won’t get to down. Henry, Caroline, Ryan, Jor- A&K: We were total Gun- Men for helping to spread take grad pictures with our dan, Maureen, Megan, and ners ‘n Roses groupies—we the love on Love in the Time friends…other than that, we Walking: America’s Amanda! We had varying will both miss seeing them at of Corona! Congratulations have done Zoom happy hours newest and favorite pas- success (the UVA swim team our favorite local bars. Most- to the Class of 2020 on their had a terrifying team), but ly when they sang ABBA. graduation—we love you, we always had a great time. TSBM: That one time we will miss you, and we are so TSBM: Monthly excursions got on base in softball! thankful for everything you to Fellini’s for our favorite brought to this community. local band, Chickenhead. Nicely done! We have This column may be ending Additionally, being the live- one question from our with the school year, but be liest folks in the building readership directly for sure to make like The Black for WWE Live at JPJ [which the Strong, Beautiful Eyed Peas and keep asking Law Weekly rightfully noted Men: Is it true that at yourself “Where is the Love?” in a previous ANG column on night all ten of you climb during these troubled times. Wednesday, Oct. 17, 2018, into one giant t-shirt and Stay safe, buckle down to Vol. 71, No. 7]. use it as a sleeping bag? round up those Ds on your TSBM: No comment. finals, and cross your fin- What will you miss gers that this column doesn’t most about your time at I guess we’ll never need to continue this fall. @ UVA Law? know, UVA Law. Let’s [email protected]. TLC: Our friends, all the end on some sap. What

Anna Noone ’20 and Kareem Ramadan ’20 smoldering their way to their respective legal careers. Photo Courtesy of Kareem Ramadan good food, hiking trails, Bilt, has UVA Law meant to ’20. the snack room, Mandy, the you and is there anything Grace’s Tangy Recipes for Surviving Quarantine

There is a saying going salt, pepper, pepper flakes (op- Since then, I have become has reached double its size, (1) Boil the raw shrimp in around the Internet that af- tional), fresh basil (optional). an advocate for home-made take the dough out and knead hot water until it is just cooked, ter quarantine is over, people (1) Preheat the oven to bread. All-purpose flour or again to remove the air bub- (do not overcook the shrimp), Grace Tang ‘21 400F, then prepare the tomato self-rising flour both work for bles. then transfer shrimp into cold Lifestyle Editor sauce by adding in salt (if nec- the recipe. The KEY to fancy (8) Split the dough into water to stop the cooking. essary), pepper, pepper flakes looking, shiny smooth bread smaller rounds for dinner rolls (2) Remove the tail on the will emerge as for a kick (optional) and stir is all in the egg wash. Before or shape into a football shape shrimp, then cut each shrimp either master thoroughly. baking, make sure to glaze the for making toast. down the middle through the chefs or alcohol- (2) Spread the tomato sauce tops of the buns with egg yolk (9) Let the dough rise a sec- length of the shrimp. Thinner ics. I’m not sure on the pizza dough of your and your finished product will ond time, until it roughly dou- pieces of shrimp make the roll about either of choice and top with any op- be hella Instagrammable. Ad- bles in shape. easier to roll. But feel free to those statements, but I have tional toppings. ditionally, grilled cheese with (10) Finally, wash the tops use whole shrimp. been doing a ton of baking (3) Cover pizza with liberal homemade toast is incredible of the dough with pure egg (3) In the hot water used to and cooking to chase away amounts of mozzarella cheese. (I recommend gruyère and yolk and bake at 375F until the cook the shrimp, add in 200- the boredom and restlessness Note, the cheese must be moz- swiss). bread becomes golden brown. 300g of vermicelli noodles of staying indoors. Over the zarella or else the flavor will be Ingredients: Flour (4 (thin rice noodles) and boil for course of two weeks, I have too strong. cups), warm water or milk (2.5 Four Ingredient Viet- 3-5 minutes until cooked. Stir created more new dishes than (4) Make a small hole in the cups), yeast, pinch of salt, and namese Fresh Rolls with in a small amount of vegetable I have in the past year. pile of toppings with a spoon, sugar (1/2 cup optional), egg Two Ingredient Peanut oil into the cooked noodles if Through my journey of then crack a raw egg on top yolk (for washing). I recom- Sauce you are not assembling right making daily meals, I’ve dis- and season with lots of black mend water for salty bread and Fresh rolls are so delicious away to avoid noodles stick- covered some fool-proof, de- pepper. milk for sweet bread-making: and healthy. They are a kind of ing. licious, and easy recipes that (5) Bake the pizza for 8-12 (1) Take 1/2 cup of warm spring roll made from rice pa- (4) To assemble: On a large are perfect to make during minutes in the oven, depend- water or milk and warm in per found in any grocery store plate, soak each rice paper for quarantine. Hopefully, these ing on how large the pizza is the microwave for 30 seconds in the Asian aisle. Feel free to 20 seconds in warm water un- recipes will inspire some new and what kind of crust was until the liquid becomes luke- get creative and use them for til it is softened. The rice paper adventures in the kitchen! used. warm to the touch. any kind of ingredient, like will be sticky, so keep the rice Brunch Pizza (6) If fresh basil is being (2) Add in 2 teaspoons of rotisserie chicken, stir fry, paper flat. Brunch and good pizza are utilized, add the washed ba- yeast and stir into the warm various veggies, etc. The clas- (5) Add in 4 shrimp to each two of my favorite things, so sil leaves on top of the pizza 1 water or milk. sic recipe includes garden mix roll, vermicelli noodles, and this recipe is a match made minute before removing them (3) Heat the rest of the wa- (carrots, lettuce, etc.), shrimp, a handful of raw garden mix. in heaven. I’m a sucker for an from the oven. ter or milk until it is lukewarm and vermicelli noodles. The Fold the ends of the rice paper over-easy or poached egg, so I (7) Serve pizza hot with to the touch. key to all of this deliciousness in on either side and roll the had to incorporate them into thinly sliced fresh avocado if (4) Combine the flour, salt, lies in the sauce. I personally entire spring roll up like a bur- my pizza. This recipe was in- available. optional sugar for sweet bread, prefer a classic peanut sauce, rito. The rice paper is sticky spired by the fresh basil plant and all the liquids. but sriracha mayo and fish and will seal off easily. I got at Harris Teeter. The Simple Bread (Toast or (5) Knead the mixture for sauce also work well with this (6) Peanut Sauce: On low brunch pizza is super flexible. Dinner Rolls) 5-7 minutes, adding in small recipe. heat, stir in equal amounts I made mine in an Italian mar- Before the COVID-19 quar- amounts of flour if necessary, Ingredients: Rice paper of peanut butter and hoisin gherita style, but feel free to antine, I had never made bread until the dough is no longer wrappers (medium or large), sauce. Add in a few table- get creative and add on bacon, before. It always seemed like a sticky and forms a smooth ball. raw peeled shrimp (roughly spoons of water to thin out the ham, spinach, onion, or other difficult task best reserved for (6) If there is difficulty in two per roll), vermicelli noo- sauce and serve with the fresh toppings! the bakery. However, I had kneading, leave the dough to dles, spring salad mix. For rolls. Ingredients: Store bought plenty of time (and flour) on sit for 15 minutes and knead two ingredient peanut sauce: thin-pizza dough or large soft my hands so I decided to give again. Hoisin Sauce, Peanut Butter --- tortilla, tomato sauce, shred- it a try. To my surprise, the (7) Let the dough sit for at (smooth or crunchy), and wa- [email protected] ded mozzarella cheese, eggs, whole process was super easy! least 2 hours. Once the dough ter. Wednesday, 15 April 2020 VIRGINIA LAW WEEKLY Features 3 SBA UPDATE ming’s Card and Letter Writ- continued from page 1 ing Campaign aims to send love to the contract staff mem- Sage Advice for Outgoing 1Ls bers of the UVA Law family. I decision-making. A compre- have seen firsthand how dif- Our semester is ending learned students of this school yers can help them with.5 hensive report will be pro- ficult it is to coordinate and with silence, as we consume and that you’ll never ever mea- Yes, lawyers have the duced by the end of the sum- launch events and activities Netflix and wait to die of lone- sure up to them if you aren’t power to make the law, to af- mer, to be presented to Deans from afar, so to these com- liness. Therefore, like Tho- on a journal? Sure, most suc- fect companies, institutions, Goluboff and Kendrick for mittees and all members of cessful people in the world and nations.6 Yes, law is made Drew Calamaro ‘21 review and implementation. SBA, thank you for your time, weren’t on a journal, and sure, and not found, and will even- Satire Editor This project will be seeking effort, and service over these it doesn’t actually provide you tually be made by any law stu- student leadership and par- past few weeks. reau writing with foundational skills nec- dent, past or present. Yes, it is ticipation, and more details As a final, more personal Walden alone essary to life, happiness, and the job of the school to ensure about the initiative and how note, I would just like to in the woods, a successful career, and sure, that you employ this power to be involved will be com- thank all UVA Law students or Montaigne, law schools are full of insecure with integrity and responsi- ing to your inboxes soon, so for your outreach and in- alone in his people that judge anyone who bility.7 However, even though please keep an eye out! volvement over these past tower writing his Essais, or does anything different and you know you have the power SBA committees have also four weeks. I, like you, have an administrator writing an most of them will amount to to help people and to do the been hard at work to keep stu- oscillated between feelings of email telling a student they a statistical blip on the ninety- right thing, you should nev- dents connected with one an- connectivity and isolation, joy have twenty-four hours to ap- five year generational scales, er, EVER use that power. If other during our time apart. and distress, while we have peal a decision, I have taken but you are still a total failure you must use it because, say, SBA Health and Wellness been apart. These circum- it upon myself to write to you for not being on a journal. Just someone under your chain-of- (H&W), led by Page Garbee stances are not easy for any- my unfiltered1 and unchecked2 remember with shame. command messed up what is ’21 and Chance McGraw ’21, one to navigate, but through ideas of how to live in a post- Pass/fail is going to ruin objectively a no-brainer deci- recently initiated the Unsung it all, we have rallied around COVID-19 world. This advice your chances of getting sion and you have to reverse Hero award to draw attention the mission of keeping stu- column is my closing gift of that clerkship. it, wait until that decision is to acts of compassion and dents’ best interest at heart. wisdom to you, 1Ls, as you go Not the economic dam- made public and make sure thoughtfulness completed by If you want to be a part of out into the world3 toward the age from the virus, not the you allow the ensuing uproar UVA Law students, faculty, our structural reform efforts, end of this semester and be- personal toll the virus is go- to occur for a full day at least and staff. Our first winners— our programming initiatives, yond.4 ing to take on everyone in the before reversing that decision. Will Kelly ’21, Jana Ruthberg or have ideas you would like If you aren’t on a jour- country including yourself. And if anyone questions you ’21, and Cat Guerrier ’21—are to see implemented—please nal, you are a failure, and No, what will ruin you is pass/ on Zoom as to why you didn’t wonderful models of what email, text, or call me. I love you always will be. fail, which means you won’t use that power sooner or even UVA collegiality means in talking through ideas of how Did you know that be able to get above a 3.6 this asks you what color the sky is, practice. H&W’s Care Pack- SBA can best serve students, journals are run by the most semester, which means that just hide behind a privacy act. age Swap and Quarantine and I look forward to working impressive, prestigious, and you won’t be able to get that You are better than the Buddy programs have been with you. I hope to see you in- clerkship with the one federal way certain administra- wonderful community-build- person soon, but until then, I 1 Pre-edits. judge who can feed you to the tions have acted. ing additions, and personally, will be sending positive vibes Supreme Court which I can I don’t have any snarky I have loved their weekly rec- to wherever you may be. 2 Id. only assume passes you on to ipe suggestions. Nirvana. You need to work for 5 Citation: https:// SBA Programming (headed All the best, 3 Grocery stores. that elderly person swaddled www.youtube.com/ by Taz Jones ’20 and Read Katharine in robes from the Lord of the watch?v=oNHRfftnfCk at Mills ’20) recently unveiled 4 But I couldn’t help but Rings set, or else all of your 2:50. the Lawhoos Eat Local initia- wonder, was this my gift of planning is for naught. Aban- tive, which aims to support --- wisdom to the reader or was don hope now. 6 Id. local businesses across the [email protected] it the reader gifting me with Lawyers do NOT hold country while giving away the opportunity to selflessly the power to help real 7 Id. eighty free meals a week to provide them with this knowl- people experiencing real ADVICE page 8 students. Finally, Program- edge? harms that they think law- Practicing Social Distancing and Adverse Possession

In these times of social dis- Ah, the missed opportuni- that was definitely a deer. fectly, but I know I’m go- in the wilds around Charlot- tancing, staying away from ties. Well, with the National At least I’m not listening to ing to ask my mom to mail tesville, give a yell. It might other people while not going Parks closed and Grounds lectures at 1.5x speed.” The my gear back to me for my just be me. insane in your apartment being off-limits, I had to night was mostly quiet, with birthday. Take time to plan find my own space. I learned a few sounds of civilization your trip a little more than --- Stan Birch ‘22 about adverse possession here and there. The biggest I did, and I guarantee you’ll News Editor in Property, so I thought I stir was the sound of a few have a nice time getting out [email protected] would give Land Piracy a deer trotting by, wondering of your home while keeping has become an shot.1, 2 what the hell this little gray distanced from others. If artform. More Armed with my old back- and yellow dome was in the isolation continues past ex- and more I feel packing rig, I sought to find middle of their path. Besides ams and you spot a tent out like Jack in The a spot to relax and unwind in some tossing and turning, it Shining. I’m living in a re- the wild. I grew up camping, was a wonderful and peace- ally nice place, but I feel like and my backpack has always ful night. I’ve always been there. So been packed to go… or so I I woke up with a smile to then I had the same “great thought. Turns out that my start my day with the birds idea” to get away from my mother, still a Scoutmaster chirping as nature’s alarm apartment that anyone who to this day, had “borrowed” was getting me going early. I owns a tent has had: camp- a few things from my bag rolled over and checked my ing. I eagerly hopped online when I left it at home for a phone: 4 a.m. The birds de- to see the restrictions on the month before Law School. cided I needed to get out of East Coast’s few National The “borrowed” items in- their space and were having Parks, only to find that too cluded my sleeping bag, none of me sticking around many people thought of this larger sleeping mat, and for a few more hours. Have option across the country. A camp pillow. Some people you ever tried sleeping select group of people have would have called it a day through thirty different acted so poorly that they has and gone back to bed, but I alarms going off at differ- ruined Parks access for all of agreed to write an article for ent times, all to different us. your entertainment, so I laid tunes? It’s not what I would Then I had another “great on the cold floor of my tent, call a restful sleep. I tossed idea:” Let’s try and camp wrapped in a picnic blanket and turned until I found an around the Law School. The from my car, and pushed angle that blocked out most Law Weekly touched base through the night. of the noise. An hour later, with the Dean of Students to My thoughts included I woke up to my alarm and see if I could make use of the the following: “Why am suspiciously little sound part of my tuition that goes I here? Will this even be from the birds.3 towards facilities access that funny of an article? It As I packed up my and upkeep. Unfortunately, won’t. I should go home. gear for the night, loaded setting up a tent would be That sounded like a deer. I up my car, and moved my “erecting a structure on [G] hope that was a deer. Why tent somewhere a little round[s]” that would be did it get cold the day af- more public to enjoy a cup “prohibited without a spe- ter I agreed to do this? Ok, of tea and some light read- cial permit.” I didn’t think ing, I was glad I had spent quick enough to reply that I 1 For obvious reasons, this the night away from home. would just hang a hammock, is all a fictionalization . . . It might not have gone per- Pictured: Reviewing Property for my final and investigating the requirements as many students do around of staking my new land claim. Photo Courtesy of Stan Birch ’22. Grounds, in Spies Garden. 2 . . . or is it? 3 Jerks. 4 VIRGINIA LAW WEEKLY Wednesday, 15 April 2020 Exiled – A UVA Law Student’s Dispatch from Texas

After UVA Law banished snacks. This isn’t so bad! gas continues to send emails for the 3Ls whose gradua- that we can remain produc- its students from North Hour 4: Deep sadness with very important links em- tions and bar exams have tive and engaged in our work Grounds,1 students faced a and uncertainty. How many bedded within screenshots been disrupted. The 3Ls just despite our physical distance people will get sick? When within PDF attachments. can’t seem to catch a break from our workplace, which Arjun Ogale ‘21 will we be able to come back Plus, ça change, plus c’est la lately. Take for example the isn’t the case in many parts of Guest Writer 7 to school? And what will hap- même chose. recent “Congratulations UVA the economy right now. pen to our beloved Scott Com- But this isn’t to say that be- Law Class of 2020” Facebook Yet, although the saying choice between mons staff?3 ing away hasn’t also changed group. The group was meant goes “everything is bigger in remaining in Hour 12: Okay, wow, this many things. We can no longer to be a surprise for the gradu- Texas,” my desk in Texas is Charlottesville drive is bad. But hey, at least listen to Professor Bamzai’s ating class, and a way for 2Ls much smaller than my desk and return- I’m not going to Oklahoma.4 protracted exchanges with and 1Ls to express their grati- in my apartment in Charlot- ing to their hometowns. The Hour 17: Back in the great- Mr. Joseph in Administra- tude for everything the 3Ls tesville, and I can’t wait to be students who chose the first est country in the world— tive Law—how are we going to have done for them. Unfor- back at the Law School with option have received consid- Texas!5 learn about the ins-and-outs tunately, the 3Ls were added everyone. Time for me to take erable media attention from Despite all the changes over of the German government to the Facebook group a good my horse to the old town road the Law Weekly,2 but those the past month, many things now?! Nor can we witness five days ahead of schedule— (kidding), lasso some cattle who left—“the exiled”—have have stayed the same. For Phil Tonseth ’22 dominate well before most people were (also kidding), and pick up been largely forgotten. This example, I still read the Law his opponents on the softball able to wish them. Alas, when some local Mexican takeout dispatch attempts to remedy Weekly cover to cover every fields game after game. it rains, it pours. (not kidding). that. Wednesday.6 And Dean Du- Being isolated and away Being away from Charlot- While some students re- from Charlottesville also re- tesville has some silver lin- --- turned directly to their home- 3 Huge shout out to the stu- moves the option of “Social ings. Many of us are spending [email protected] towns from spring break trips dent body, SBA, and Profes- Distancing with Friends.” For a lot of unexpected and pre- to exotic corona-free locations sors Nachbar, Coughlin, Hell- example, many have been tak- cious time with family. And as in Europe, others packed up man, and Schwartzman for ing so-called “social distanc- law students, we are fortunate their belongings in Charlot- the recent fundraising effort ing hikes” in small groups to tesville and began their jour- for our Scoco family. https:// popular local hiking trails, ney home. My personal trip www.gofundme.com/f/sup- only to find that literally ev- home involved a seventeen- port-for-the-scott-commons- eryone is doing the same hour drive all the way to east community. thing. In fact, a glance at social Texas. media these days might give Here’s a brief recap of how 4 See, e.g., Tiger King. you the impression that you the car ride went: can’t catch coronavirus hik- Hour 1: Got my Bodo’s with 5 Similar to how Texas is ing Humpback Rock, playing honey pecan cream cheese, a the objectively best country in beer pong on Copeley Field, good podcast, and plenty of the world, Lone Star Lawyers is or lounging on with objectively the best student orga- your friends. Somebody needs 1 See President Ryan’s and nization at UVA Law. ¯\_(‘-‘)_/¯ to tell Dr. Fauci that UVA Law Dean Goluboff’s emails to stu- students have found the cure! dents on March 11, 2020 (“[Be 6 Lately, the lamestream All jokes aside, I feel bad gone, students!]”). Law Weekly and ANG seem to have taken a liking to mis- “perfect” emails. 2 See, e.g., Love in the Time quoting leaked Virginia Law of Corona featuring Sam Pick- Review emails. Sad! The Law 7 “The more things change, Pictured: This local grazing pasture is usually teeming with cattle, but it turns out they are social distancing too. Photo Courtesy of Arjun ett and Maria Luévano, Law Weekly must be suffering from the more things stay the Ogale ’21. Weekly, March 25, 2020. low ratings to be roasting such same.” Summer Jams to Keep Your Playlists Spicey

“Creature Comforts”- anyone but her fiancé, Jan- minute long and features no Trella sen VanderMeulen ’19, a view vocals, but the tune tells you Even the wildest folks shared by just about anyone everything you need to know. have a comfort zone. I have who’s met the pair. She re- The versatility of Pink ensures found this to be especially plied, “I can’t either anymore. that every person who listens Kolleen Gladden ‘21 Before I knew him, I had an to it will pull something dif- Photographer idea of what I thought would ferent from it depending on be a good match for me. Then what they’re going through. true of the largely I met Jansen, who was com- “Bby” is one of my personal risk-averse law pletely different than what I’d favorites just for the intro. school popu- had in mind—and he was per- There are only four distinct lation. Trella fect.” Aside from being an ab- lines in the entire song, and proves she’s hu- solutely gorgeous sentiment, there’s certainly no need for man like the rest of us with I think there’s an important more. The passionate open- this tribute to a beautifully underlying lesson here that ing hook does all of the heavy uneasy love. Perhaps my fa- extends even beyond relation- lifting, and it just works. I vorite thing about this song ships. It’s key not to become Pictured: PRIZM is exactly who your parents warned you about. Photo Courtesy of @weareprizm on Instagram. sent “Bby” to a friend who is that it isn’t describing a so caught up in searching for responded with: “The guitar reckless romance that throws what we think is good for us “All Night”- PRIZM in his newly released album part makes me want to get un- you into the deep end. Rath- that we miss out on some- If you’re looking for Pink. His smoky, cool-guy dressed.” To that I say, we’re er, Trella describes someone thing better. I can’t count the the synthy 80’s retro-pop vocals paired with impres- in social isolation, my friends. sneaking into the corners of number of times I thought I soundtrack of your dreams, sively evocative instrumen- If you’ve worn pants at all in her heart, something gen- knew what I wanted only to look no further than PRIZM. tals come together to produce the last three weeks, it might tly disarming her emotional be blindsided by a greater op- A criminally underrated duo the kinds of sounds that will be time to re-evaluate. barriers. It brings to mind a tion that I’d never considered. from Fort Worth, Texas, make anyone feel something. conversation I had with El- You never know what beauty PRIZM makes the kind of Sometimes, he forfeits his --- eanor Schmalzl ’20 this year. might be waiting just past lighthearted music that all voice entirely, instead letting [email protected] I had remarked to her that your “Creature Comforts.” of us could use more of right his hands do the talking. “Call I couldn’t picture her with now. “All Night” is one such Me, I Still Love You” is one- bop, reminiscent of the times when we could go outside and socialize with other human beings. It’s just an upbeat song about staying out and dancing until sunrise. That’s it. No frills. This is the kind of tune that makes reality just a little bit quieter. Their entire discography has that effect, actually. So go ahead, give them a listen and get some of that sweet, sweet serotonin.

“Bby”- Two Feet Two Feet knows how to set a mood. This has nev- Pictured: Trella during an intense jam-sesh. Photo Courtesy of @TrellaTunes on Instagram. er been more evident than Pictured: Use your two feet to walk to a computer to turn on and jam to Two Feet. Photo Courtesy of @TwoFeeetMusic on Instagram. Wednesday, 15 April 2020 VIRGINIA LAW WEEKLY 5 A Farewell to the Virginia Law Weekly’s 3Ls

Lena Welch ’20 David Ranzini ’20 Eleanor Schmalzl ’20 Anand Jani ’20 Taylor Elicegui ’20 Outgoing Teen Romance Dave Dethroned Newspaper New Editor, Who Dis? The Feature of Our Editor and New Media Edi- What are you going to Tyrant What are you going to Hearts tor Emeritus miss most about the Law What are you going to miss most about the Law What are you going to What are you going to School? miss most about the Law School? miss most about the Law miss most about the Law Free Lexis points. School? The custodian in the Univer- School? School? Where are you headed af- Friday softball field-hopping. sity of North Carolina sweat- Cliche but true: the people. We all know I’ve already ter graduation? I played a lot of softball in my shirt, dude was a nice guy. I’ll miss being so close to my bragged about my friends in I have a ten-month profes- three years at UVA Law, but Sorry that I never caught your friends and knowing exactly this publication, but I’ll miss be- sional Japanese-for-lawyers wish I could’ve played more. name. where to find them! There’s ing surrounded by my friends course lined up at the Inter- What’s your walk-out What’s the funniest thing nothing better than rolling the most. I’m getting a taste University Center in Yokohama, song? that happened to you? through ScoCo, knowing I can of the separation now, and it’s and then I’ll be working in the “Temperature” by Sean Paul. Found friends along the way. always find some of my Sec- pretty sad. tion A ladies holding down What’s the funniest thing their table (@Manal, Jordin, that happened to you? Eleanor, Nellie, etc.). I’ll also I was the butt of a joke in a re- miss learning and having my jected Libel sketch. That’s pret- major commitments be read- ty funny. Or that Erin Seagears ing! ’20 and I convinced Molly Cain What’s the most em- ’20 to come to New Orleans barrassing thing you’ve with us. But it’s hard to come done? up with something funny that’s I’ll confine this to most em- happened to me, since I am a barrassing during law school, comedian at heart. Thank you, for the sake of my personal thank you very much. pride. During the 1L Softball What’s the most embar- Tournament, my team made rassing thing you’ve done? it to the finals. It was a su- I embarrass myself more than per close and intense game most people, and I can’t share against Section C. I was play- the *most* embarrassing thing, ing catcher, the go-to position but I pretty regularly embarrass for those who lack any actual myself in the Law Weekly of- softball ability. I tried to make fice. Top hits include doing the a play at home and broke the dances from High School Musi- cardinal rule of softball by put- cal, coming up with subheads ting my glove in front of my for Tweedles, and just generally corporate department at Mor- It is perfect for every occasion What’s the most embar- face. Alas, I missed, but man- sharing all of my secrets. rison Foerster in Tokyo. always. rassing thing you’ve done? aged to stop the ball with my Where are you headed Is cereal a soup? What’s your fondest Made promises I couldn’t nose! One trip to the ER and after graduation? Though the physical proper- memory in law school? keep. ENT later, and my nose was Disability Rights North Caro- ties of cold breakfast cereal most Every year, NGSL members Where are you headed actually not broken, thanks to lina in Raleigh, N.C., to do spe- closely resemble those of soups will play alumni who are in town after graduation? my sunglasses that absorbed cial education work. or gruels, Euro-American cul- for their alumni weekend right New York City is the plan, some of the impact. And that What’s your walk-out ture conventionally excludes it after spring finals. I had just but at this point I wouldn’t be was the end of my UVA soft- song? syntactically from “lunch” or finished my 1L spring finals and surprised if Godzilla came out ball career. “I Wanna Dance With “dinner,” making the “soup” decided to stick around for the of the Hudson and destroyed Where are you headed Somebody (Who Loves Me)”– descriptor inapt. In this essay I game, and it was a really spe- whatever’s left of the place. after graduation? ~*~Whitney~*~. will… cial experience. Professor Hyl- What’s your walk-out New York, New York. What pokemon are you What’s your walk-out ton ’77, a founder of NGSL, had song? What’s your fondest and why? song? passed just a few weeks prior, so That old dial-up modem memory in law school? Snorlax. Likes to eat and Everyone who answered this his family was at the field along sound. Definitely Libel! I enjoyed sleep and has “lax” in his name. with something try-hard first with at least one other organiza- What’s your fondest Libel both years, but last What’s your fondest had to suppress the urge to say tion founder. I can’t remember memory in law school? year was the best. I loved so memory in law school? “Sandstorm.” Let’s be honest his name, but he was an older That time I had to meet with many of the skits and I got to The 2018 PILA Live Auc- with ourselves—is it cheesy? gentleman who was still an ab- Dean Davies because I put in be Lauren of Career Services tion. It was awesome to see that Yes. Is it overplayed as a walk- solute baller. He was placing an alcohol request to Main alongside my best friend and event come together after a lot out song? Also yes. And yet, balls in the outfield, making us Grounds to “tastefully enjoy a mentor, Darcy Whelan. Lau- of hard work. And I’ll never for- when all is said and done—does young folk work to get him out. glass of champagne in celebra- ren and Kevin got to do some get the bidding war on my cook- it not slap to an extreme degree? I pitched in the game, and he tion of the completion of my matchmaking as Career Ser- ies (Thanks, Professor Shin)! What’s your fondest and I had a fun back-and-forth first semester of law school,” vices pivoted to also provide Fondest Law Weekly memory in law school? throughout. The weather was then remembering that I was dating services. And we got memory? Either Law Weekly meet- beautiful and everyone was just late to said meeting after to make some digs at Omaha! Staying late to goss with Boss, ings or making and eating after- so happy to be there; it perfectly drinking half a bottle with my What’s better than that? Tuna, and Superman. Alter- study dinners with my brother captured everything I love about friends in the parking lot. Fondest Law Weekly natively, LLMs Attend T-Pain Gregory (also my roommate 1L UVA Law and the atmosphere Fondest Law Weekly memory? Concert. and 2L). that softball creates for so many. memory? Our end of year dinner in What was the best meal Fondest Law Weekly Right after the game, I drove the All the times that Jansen 2018. The whole crew went you ate in Charlottesville? memory? seven-plus hours in my cleats to VanderMeulen ’19 came dan- to Peter Chang’s, and we were Probably the first time I ate at Late-night bull sessions while get home to Kentucky and was gerously close to putting a much smaller then, so we all Bang! with Dana Raphael ’20. laying out the InDesign for the so glad I had waited to leave so softball through a window or a piled in around one table and Pretty sure it brought tears to weekly editions. I could play. computer in the office. feasted, family-style. I really my eyes three times during the What was the best meal Fondest Law Weekly What was the best meal liked getting to learn why oth- meal. But I also love to crush a you ate in Charlottesville? memory? you ate in Charlottesville? ers cared about the Law Week- shake from The Villa and a pret- Almost certainly the enchila- Michael Schmid’s playlist. I had a granola bar after a ly so much and it inspired my zel croissant from MarieBette. das at Continental Divide, with Free Bingo Space: Write hike the other day that was own love for the paper. We How are you coping with plenty of habanero sauce and a what you want: pretty good. do important work by creat- your impending senility cold beer. Thankful for three years with Words of advice for ing a record of the goings-on and death? How are you coping with such an amazing group of peo- those left to mourn your around the Law School! I also Good news is that I leaned your impending senility ple. Wouldn’t trade this time for absence? really enjoyed writing COPAs into spinsterhood super hard and death? the world and would’ve sacri- Don’t walk through the hall- and coming up with my land- my senior year of college, so I’ve Denial will never stop work- ficed a lot to have these last few way of Withers-Brown banging mark legal doctrine: 1Ls lose. been prepping for this for five ing! months back. I’m so grateful to a soup ladle on a pot and calling What was the best meal years. I’ve got hobbies, and I’ve Words of advice for those go to a school that is so hard to out “Fresh Meat” while point- you ate in Charlottesville? got a cat. left to mourn your absence? leave, and that’s thanks to all ing to all of the 1Ls next year, My personal favorite food Words of advice for Take a pro bono clinic. Every- the amazing people here, so just the administration frowns on item in Charlottesville is, those left to mourn your thing I really learned about be- thank you to everyone who has such actions. by far, the parmesan garlic absence? ing a lawyer I learned at LAJC. made this experience unforget- fries with a side of Forty Mile Catch you on the flippity-flip. table. Cheese from Three Notch’d. 6 Colophon VIRGINIA LAW WEEKLY Wednesday, 15 April 2020 LAW WEEKLY FEATURE: Court of Petty Appeals The Court of Petty Appeals is the highest appellate jurisdiction court at UVA Law. The Court has the power to review any and all decisions, conflicts, and disputes that arise involving, either directly, indirectly, or tangentially, the Law School or its students. The Court comprises four associate justices and one Chief Justice. Opinions shall be released periodically and only in the official court reporter: the Virginia Law Weekly. Please email a brief summary of any and all con- flicts to [email protected]

Joseph E.X. Otic v. least twice, this unmuted Ot- when they have invaded the and cats can get ’rona, then the study spot. Mittens ic’s Zoom. When a cat jumps Law School. See, e.g., Fright- cats are people. That’s just But this case is not on point. 72 U.Va. 24 (2020) on a keyboard while purring, ened 1Ls v. That Snake by the science, and we support #Sci- Mittens claims that Otic lacks it sounds pretty weird if you’re Vending Machines, 324 U.Va. ence. a property interest in the Re, J., delivered the opin- on the other end of a Zoom 45 (2019); Hungry 1Ls v. The III chair, and yet Otic is making ion of the Court, in which call. The noises embarrassed Mice by the Free Food Table, We now turn to the second a tort claim. Our petty com- Tonseth, Gladden, Pickett, Otic and alarmed his class- 301 U.Va. 522 (2011). Because question, whether Mittens’ mon law has long acknowl- Querner, and Faye, join. mates. Finally, Otic deter- classes are now remote, a pet conduct constitutes tortious edged that students have the Calamaro, J., and Luk, C.J., filed mined that he could no longer can be understood to inter- interference. Counsel for Mit- right to see and hear in class. dissenting opinions. successfully Zoom from the fere with legal education in a tens, Ms. Baskin, argues from See, e.g., Student in Back Row chair. Otic moved to a differ- similar way to the snake and precedent, “Hey all you hon- v. Lomax, 1 U.Va. 279 (1827) Justice Re delivered the ent chair, but found when he mice. Some scholars also ar- orable cool cats and kittens, (ordering that microphones opinion of the Court. tried amusing his professor gue that when people refer to I would draw your attention be invented so students in the back could hear) and En- This case requires us first rollees of Evening Seminar v. to decide whether pet cats are Madison, 2 U.Va. 223 (1830) legal persons capable of suing s a matter of law, cats (ordering that electric light- and being sued, and second, ing be invented so students in whether occupying the only the two hour evening seminar, suitable location for Zooming are legal persons, and “Supreme Court from Jay to constitutes tortious interfer- “A Marshall,” could see the pro- ence with kitty-napping. fessor). And, frustratingly, I it is impermissible to interfere our cases support a rather un- Before the most recent full restricted right to participate moon,1 2L Joseph Edward in class. See That One Gunner Xavier Otic reached his limit. with another’s use of virtual v. Literally Everyone Else in Once (and only once) a week, the Class, 32 U.Va. 411 (1843) Otic has a fixed obligation: sit- (upholding the right to at least ting in front of his computer backgrounds.” attempt to impress fellow for a class on Zoom. Otic dis- classmates by asking compli- covered that there is only one and classmates with hilarious themselves as a dog/cat mom/ to your holding in 2L Gun- cated, irrelevant questions). location in his apartment (a virtual backgrounds, the im- dad, they deserve to be open ner v. Oblivious 3L.” Brief Our more recent cases point chair located near a window), ages pixelated. to suits from their pets.3 for Respondent at 15, Otic v. to modified expectations dur- where Zoom functions per- Otic has been trapped in his All of this lends support to Mittens, 72 U.Va. 24 (2020) ing video meetings. In Lazy fectly. Specifically, it is the apartment with Mittens for the theory that pets are le- No. 20-104. It is true that we Rising-2L v. Career Services, only location with suitable far too long, and despite be- gal persons who can sue and have dealt with competitions 320 U.Va. 304 (2017), we lighting for those custom vir- ing a UVA Law student,2 he be sued under our petty law. for chairs before. In 2L Gun- ruled that students cannot be tual backgrounds to work. is rather litigious. Because he Also, cats can get coronavi- ner, 276 U.Va. 103 (2002), we forced to wear pants in on- But there was one problem: has had very limited contact rus.4 If people can get ’rona, uncharacteristically ruled in line interviews as long as the Mittens. Mittens is Otic’s cat, with other humans, he de- favor of the gunner, holding prospective employer doesn’t and the Zoom chair is Mittens’ cided to sue his cat. The lower 3 See Andrew Vito, Pet that despite the 3L’s extreme- notice. favorite nap spot. Initially, court dismissed the case, find- Personhood: A Great Idea, or ly credible claim of having no While these cases were Otic tried moving Mittens. ing that a cat is not a legal per- the Greatest Idea?, 48 Canine clue what ordinarily goes on against the school and not Mittens then commenced a son and therefore incapable Coll. L. Rev. 1, 39 (2008) (“If in the library, the gunner had against private parties, like series of behaviors calculated of being sued. Otic v. Mittens, you give your dog wrapped a vested property interest in a cat, they nevertheless give to drive Otic from the chair. 78 Ivy 3d 115 (Ivy Cir. 2020) Christmas presents with her the sense that students are No fewer than four times each (“What? No, obviously you name on it, it is reasonable study-finds-prompting- entitled to observe class with- class, Mittens jumped on Ot- can’t sue your cat. Come on, that she should expect to have probe-200409041642628. out interruption and express ic’s keyboard and purred. At we were watching TV before standing to haul you before a html. you came in with this.”). We tribunal if, for example, you COPA page 7 1 The Court has completely granted certiorari. deny her access to aquiferous lost track of the days of the II sources of water by repeatedly Faculty Quotes week during quarantine, but We turn first to whether a closing the toilet seat.”). about a week ago there was a cat is a legal person. We have K. Ferzan: “Does anyone you do if you’re walking down full moon, and the occurrences allowed suits against animals 4 Cats can catch corona- have any questions, besides the street and an air condi- which gave rise to this lawsuit virus, study finds, prompting ‘why did you tell us that sto- tioner falls on your head? You therefore happened less than a 2 UVA Law is a very col- WHO probe, Al Jazeera (Apr. ry?’” say res ipsa loquitur.” full moon ago, which is within legial place. See, e.g., every 9, 2020), https://www.al- this Court’s statute of limita- email from Admissions. But jazeera.com/news/2020/04/ A. Bamzai: “I’m not con- K. Kordana: “Church of tions to review. actually, it is. cats-catch-coronavirus- vinced that anyone on the Kordana. Tax exempt, baby, Supreme Court knows what tax exempt...don’t discrimi- they’re doing in this area.” nate against me. Don’t call me a cult.” M. Collins: “I make notes Virginia Law Weekly to myself after each class on D. Oliar: “Everyone wants things to improve. When I to sell sex, just in different COLOPHON checked the one I made for ways.” Christina Luk ’21 this day last year, all it said Editor-in-Chief was ‘better luck next year.’” Heard a good professor quote? Email editor@law- Kathryn Querner ‘22 S. Ballenger: “What do weekly.org Executive Editor Michael Schmid ‘21 Phil Tonseth ‘22 Jacob Jones ‘21 Managing Editor Production Editor Features Editor

Samuel Pickett ‘21 Will Palmer ‘21 Drew Calamaro ‘21 Columns Editor Special Projects Editor Satire Editor Kolleen Gladden ‘21 Raphael Cho ’21 Grace Tang ‘21 Photographer Cartoonist-in-Chief Foreign Correspondent Ben Stievater ‘22 Leah Deskins ‘21 Donna-Faye Imadi ‘22 Events Editor Professor Liaison Editor Current Events Editor Nate Wunderli ’22 Bill Re ’21 Amy Pan ‘22 Sports Editor Historian Lifestyle Editor Stanley Birch ’22 Marlyse Vieira ’22 Will McDermott ’22 News Editor New Media Editor Development Editor

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Wednesday, 15 April 2020 VIRGINIA LAW WEEKLY Hot Bench 7 This ploy to acquire three COPA dead birds has resulted in a Moonshine “Mooney” the Cat continued from page 6 major and inappropriately large windfall for the plain- themselves in that class. Now tiff. Unfortunately, the wind- Experiences Quarantine that all classes are held re- fall is a direct result of this Day 0 since I’ve had a good day’s sleep. trying to make me exercise. motely, we are forced to apply court’s obvious error in find- It is what the humans keep Have these people not heard of (Meanwhile, they haven’t left the petty common law to nov- ing cats to be legal persons, referring to as “Spring Break.” the term “catnap?” The problem the apartment in days!) They el circumstances. Using virtu- a finding which will have re- Only human 1 is home, and I is that I have to be in the same just ate an entire apple pie each, al backgrounds is an essential verberations throughout hu- Moonshine the Cat room as the humans when they and yet I am the one put on a part of expressing oneself and man, cat, and animal popula- Guest Writer are home, yet I also want to nap diet. This is outrageous! bringing joy to others, which tions. Perhaps the court has in that room. You can see my are implicit in the concept of been swayed by popular opin- am very lonely predicament. This lack of day Day 20 ordered liberty and are deeply ion, which is as settled as the all day when he’s sleep is really starting to affect The humans must have rooted in this School’s history changing tides and was most gone. I’m very my nightly zoomies. reached peak boredom. Today and tradition. recently swayed by a spate happy when hu- they put me inside a knapsack, IV of online documentaries that man 1 comes home. I hope hu- Day 12 let me poke my head out, and As a matter of law, cats are lend a sympathetic light to- man 2 comes back soon. I still can’t catnap. And they took me for a walk outside. It legal persons, and it is im- wards the “struggle” of the won’t let me eat my plants ei- was nice because I could really permissible to interfere with members of the felidae fami- Day 3 ther. I’ve always had an array of get a good look at those squir- another’s use of virtual back- ly.5 Either way, cats are not Human 2 has come back. It exciting, crunchy, tasty house- rels I always stare at, but I’ve grounds. If there were a dis- people. They are murderous, is a joyous day. I hope that they plants to munch on whenever never had my dignity insulted pute of material fact, it would godless, apex predators that never leave! I’m bored, but the humans like this before. They continue be necessary to remand the will never love you and hopes have decided that they love the to think I am some kind of hu- case. But there is no such dis- to eat your face one day when Day 4 houseplants more than they man baby. I am worried they pute. In a deposition with a you die due to cat allergies. Remember when I said I hope love me. How could they do will force me to wear silly cat pet psychic, Mittens stated, they never leave? They haven’t this? I AM THEIR GOD. Don’t outfits to satisfy their boredom. “Yea of course I know that’s Luk, C.J., dissenting. left… all I can do is pray that they know about the ancient the only place Zoom back- My fellow Justices have each soon we will be back to our nor- Egyptians? Day 21 grounds work. I don’t give a ended up half a mouse short of mal routine where I rule over The outfit happened. I will sh*t. It’s my f***ing chair.” R. a complete answer. It is obvi- the apartment all day for five Day 13 not discuss this further. at 589. It is, therefore, unnec- ously the case that cats have days a week and get all the naps The humans are trying to ex- essary to remand this case for standing to sue under our I want. ercise me. I need to figure out further proceedings. petty law and equally obvious how to tell them I am above --- that cats have superior claims Day 5 physical exercise; I am not some We order an injunction to chairs than any human be- Something has gone terribly fifth grader doing a fitness test against Mittens, barring him ing, much less a law student. I wrong. The humans have not for Michelle Obama. from attempting to occupy the am saddened by the precedent left the apartment. They are Zoom chair during class and set today. squatting on my domain. How Day 15 award damages for Otic in can this be? Even worse, they I’ll never get over this… I’m the form of three dead birds, seem to be in need of love and just so upset. Guess what they to be procured and delivered --- affection, and they turn to me called me today? A CHONKER. by Mittens at Mittens’ earliest [email protected] for it. I am not to be loved. I am I should be a heckin’ fine girl on convenience. The judgment of [email protected] to be feared—and worshipped. I the chonk chart! These gigantic the Court of Petty Appeals for [email protected] hope they start leaving me alone humans who snack all day have the Ivy Circuit is vacated. so that I can rule my domain the nerve to call me fat. I am a soon. majestic, noble creature who It is so ordered. 5 See generally Tiger King, deserves her meowijuana catnip (the ill-advised movie) Cats, Day 8 treats, but they’re putting me on Pictured: These indignities will not stand. Calamaro, J., dissenting. and Don’t F**k With Cats. It has been several nights a diet. And even worse, they’re

much everyone knows my it for a second. enemies, the cats. HOT dad—he’s a surgeon and he Favorite word? might have taken everyone’s Sounds like 1L was a Genuinely, I have no idea. Where’s a place you’ve gallbladders out at some rough time! never been, but would BENCH point. Studying for 1L fall exams This one should be like to go? while my 2L brother Gregory easier. If you could live I’ve never been to Sichuan, When did you start was totally relaxed was just anywhere, where would China, but I’ve always want- thinking about law about my lowest psychologi- it be? ed to go—and Taiwan. Those school? cal point. Only the greatest I would live in Akita Pre- two are probably highest on After college, I’m a year or respect for my brother—the fecture, Japan, and I would the destination bucket list. two into the JET Program, real lawyer in this family. own and run a wildly unprof- And for years I’ve harbored I’m teaching English in a itable coffee shop in a refur- the desire to get a sailboat village in rural Japan, and I Let’s do a lightning bished thatched farmhouse. and just get out of sight of realize that while I’m a good round! I would do pour-over coffee land. I would love to be sur- teacher, it’s not really what and roast my own beans, rounded by horizon in all di- David Ranzini ’20 I love—but I need to find Favorite food? chat with my regulars and rections and just watch the something else that lets me Cheese enchiladas. never make a dime. I would sun set behind me while I’m Hot Bench with David stay in Japan long term. So, watch the big puffy clouds on the deck of the boat. Ranzini ’20 I put everything together Favorite place in Char- drift over the rice paddies in Outgoing Managing Edi- that I’m good at (research, lottesville? the distance and cast shad- Do you have any sail- tor of the Law Weekly writing, definitely NOT Peter Chang’s. ows on the sea beyond. I ing experience? math) and looked for some- would have a windchime on Zero—no wait, some! I Hiya Dave and welcome thing that could let me be Anti-Stress Hobby? the porch. That is the dream. went out once and was im- to Hot Bench! We’re so useful even if I’m a second Cooking and bicycling. Re- mediately shipwrecked. glad to catch you before language speaker. That nar- ally, exercise is the thin tis- If you could pick one Through no fault of my own, graduation! So, what did rowed the field to interna- sue that separates sanity and song to play in the back- the rudder was broken and you have for quarantine tional corporate law, which insanity for me during exam ground of your life, what came off, cartoon-like, in breakfast? also involves the best things season. would it be? my friend Robert’s hand. It I made frozen oven fries about being a teacher (trans- What’s the song I’ve lis- turns out a boat in the wind because that’s all that’s left lating knowledge into a form Are you a good cook? tened most to on iTunes, without a rudder is quickly in my freezer, and I drank your audience can use) with What’s your favorite let’s see, probably something capsized. I would love to do black coffee because I’m out the added bonus of being thing to make? incredibly embarrassing… it again and not flip. of cream. well paid. At that point, I de- When I’m stressed, I like “Decks Dark” from Radio- cided I was doing law school. to go temporarily insane and head’s A Moon Shaped Pool. If you could make one Where are you from? But first, I went and did a make something expensive rule that everyone had to Waynesboro, Virginia, LL.M. bilingual program at and complex like tempura. What’s your spirit ani- follow, what would it be? which is close enough that Kyushu University. One of my favorite things mal? “Be nice, think of the other I can go home, see my folks, to make is pasta puttanes- Crows. I like that they’re guy” would be a good one. and do my laundry, which I What’s something ca. It’s a quick olive-based scrappy, intelligent, and, I think everyone secretly frequently do. you know now that you sauce—you need four cans, sometimes, they get a look wants to make the rule “be would tell yourself com- two of tomatoes and two of in their eye, that says they nice to me.” I would change What can you tell us ing into law school? olives, to make a very simple know you’re there and think that to just “be nice.” about Waynesboro? It’s not as hard as it looks, version. It’s just brilliant for of you as fellow animals in It’s a pretty little town, honestly. 1L me was very when you’re cramming for the struggle. I sympathize --- less sleepy nowadays, with nervous about failing and finals. with their existence on the two craft breweries, a lot of not getting a job and every- edge of society—everyone on [email protected] meth (said the cops in my thing coming apart. I would What is your least fa- a fundamental level has been old karate class, anyway), try really hard to reassure vorite sound? a crow trying to use a stick and a very decent taco truck! him it was going to work out, The noise that dentists’ to get a cheese doodle out of It’s a nice community. Pretty and 1L me would not believe drills make, it actually scares the trashcan. The trashcan is the crap out of me. life. I also like their mortal 8 The Back Page VIRGINIA LAW WEEKLY Wednesday, 15 April 2020 ADVICE continued from page 3 Cartoon By Raphael things to say other than you do it better. Like the whole thing. Go, do it. Figure out how to do it and make it ALL run better in a couple months. Asking about mentor- ship is a fun and original way to “break the ice” or, should I say, “break the zoom panes!” with law- yers at your firm events. The more firm dinners that you attend, the more you realize how important and original of a question asking about mentorship is. Other questions that you should ask are, “How should I bring in business to the firm as a ju- nior associate?,”8 and, “With your firm struggling in this recession, how are you man- aging to keep clients?” This is no time to second guess that inner voice telling you to stop being boring, uninformed, or gauche. Forge ahead with those incredible questions, and you will find success wherever the winds take you.9

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8 You are able and expected to bring in business to the firm as soon as you are hired, since you will almost certainly know about the law.

9 So long as inward eye- rolls among practicing lawyers count as successes. 3L Law Weekly’s Greatest Hits Puzzle 1 (Medium, difficulty ratingSUDOKU 0.48) The Law Weekly fondly looks back to celebrate and remember the experiences and bonds our 3Ls formed. 3 5 8

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Pictured: Taylor Elicegui ’20, Lena Welch ’20, and Eleanor Schmalzl ’20 enjoy Barristers Ball. Photo Pictured: Jansen VanderMeulen ’19 and Eleanor Schmalzl ’20 pose proudly as former Editor-in-

Courtesy of Lena Welch’20. Chiefs of the Law Weekly. Photo Courtesy of Lena Welch’20. Generated by http://www.opensky.ca/sudokuSolution on Mon Apr 13 19:49:37 2020 GMT. Enjoy!

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2 4 7 9 8 1 5 6 3 Puzzle 1 (Medium, difficulty rating 0.48) rating difficulty (Medium, 1 Puzzle

Pictured: Lena, Taylor, and Eleanor living their best 3LOL life. Photo Courtesy of Lena Welch ’20.