.. I

ParkinQ your bUff - ······.··.·.··, ·,·.·.·.· .·,· .. ·.:-:: may cost you a dime By /mae Pea Forrjrea wony about the small minority who might be excluded Other accommodations can be ar­ After receiving word that the legislature ranged. has cut Kcc•s instructional budget for the Student Congress has approached the ad­ remainder of the semester, the administration ministration to install locks that can also be has decided to levy user fees to forestall a optnt.ed by credit card, on the basis that tuition hike. financially strapped students could create a Beginning April 1, coin-operated locks definite health hazard. Students would be will be installed on all bathroom stalls. Cost able to apply for a credit card at the beginning will be 10 cents. of the semester. If there is unpaid credit at Sanitation engineer Arfious Doo Barfalott semester's end, students could work off the said that parking meters may have to be in­ amourit by filliDg in for janitors on leave. stalled on the toilet seats if students misuse the Also, the Congress reasoned, discounts new system. "We don't want some smart­ could be given for frequent use. assed student sitting in there all day just to save F~ are also being im~ for use of the money," Barfalott said laser printer in the Computing Center, as well In addition, plastic shields will be installed as penalties for misuse ofcomputers and print­ in front of the urinals. Cost of raising them ers. David Clark, who has frequently called will be only 5 cents. To prevent students from attention to the misuse of printers, has volun­ cheating the system by going in unison, weight teered to police the area. sensors are being installed in front of the To pay for increased staffing at the library, urinals. The shields will be inoperable if the fees will also be levied for use of carrels and weight on the sensors is over 250 pounds. reference librarian assistance. When the video Despite protests ofdiscrimination by OWN monitors are finally installed, fees for an hour United (Over Weight Men United), the ad­ of viewing will range from $1 to $10. CNN ministration feels that setting the sensors at news and other documentaries will cost $1. 250 pounds is reasonable. After all, one ad­ Soaps will cost$5 and late-nightR -rated films ministrator reasoned, since negotiations with will cost $10. The library expects to raise a Japanese- college to establish a sumo stable enough from video charges alone to pay for here have failed, we don't think we need to three new helpers. A·lot of lots to offer a lot of parking by allotment assigned in reverse alphabetical order, which By Darrk Dentt means that the closer lots will be assigned starting with those whose last name begins Photo by Shutta D Qulc Good news! More parking will be made with Z. In the following semester it will be Caught in the act ofpilfering Ding-Dongs ,famished student Whendall Grubb is framed in available to students on the upper campus. changed back to the proper alphabetical order. time by undercover photographerS. B. Quic. Seconds later Grubb escaped on a pink moped. Beginning in the fall semester, the center field Parking passes will be sent in the mail notify­ of the upper campus will also be used for ing the students which lot they are to park in. parking on a first-come, first-served basis. Each pass will be marked with the students last At exactly 7:57 am. security guards will initial and the last four digits of their social allow students to drive through the fire road security number for easy reference. onto the field. All entrances will be closed by Starving · student worker caught 8:03 am. and no one will be allowed to Toilet paper pilferer remove their cars until6 p.m. holding his Ding-Dong This plan will reward those who attend all caught with pants down their classes and finish their work before go­ By AI B. Rich ment Grubb was admitted for pains in his ing home. By Tom Wilpeep stomach several hours after the incident hap­ A revamping of the parlcing rules will also Whendall Grubb, a Kapiolani Commu­ pened. Emergency Technician, Jason Isbak, bring relief to those students who can't park in A KCC employee was arrested recently for nity College student, was arrested yesterday noticed a large amount of Ding-D.ongs and the center field. Parking will now be allotted stealing cartons of toilet paper after a Sting for destruction of school property and theft Cheese Balls after Grubb's stomach was by alphabetical order. Beginning with the fall operation successfully identified the culprit Snack machines located on the KCC campus pumped. Police were notified and found that semester, a list of students who have applied Custodians had been noticing cartons of were broken into and food and money were Grubb matched the suspects profile. for parking stalls will be posted with parking toilet paper was being rapidly depleted from taken out A campus maintenance worker An investigation was done and found that lot assignments by last name. the storeroom. After checking with instructors witnessed the crime and described the sus­ the suspect is a student helper at KCC's Assigning specific parking stalls has also and staff, they ascertained that no stomach flu pect as a scrawny young man, about 5'7", Educational Media Center. "I worked there been proposed, but was not implemented be­ epidemic existed on campus. black hair, wearing Burmy's and a gecko part time for over six weeks, shooting cam­ cause it was felt that assigning certain lots by A security officer, who had recently read of tank top, carrying schoolbooks. era, working the switcher in the control room, alphabetical order would be fairer to all stu­ a bank which had a high recovezyrate ofstolen "First the food machine was violently keeping the studio nice and clean, and even dents. Each semester thereafter, the lots will money because of a policy of routinely mark­ pried open with a ruler," John Atter said, did carpentry work fabricating a stand for a be rotated so that all students will have a fair ing all bills with a highly visible exploding "Then he raked all the food on the shelves. mixer and I never received a paycheck, not share at parking in each lot. dye, suggested the school attempt to catch the He started prying the Hibiscus machine open even a penny for my time and efforts." Grubb The staff will also be assigned their own thief with the same plan. while eating a Ding-Dong, when a student replied, "My funds staned running low, I parking in the lot behind Diamond Head'fhe­ Sevendcartons oftoiletpaperweremarked walked by and snapped the above picture. I couldn'tbuyanybeerorcigarettes,myfight­ ater, so that it does not interfere with student with flourescent purple dye, and ultra-violet guess he got scared, because he ran to a pink ing chickens were starving, the phone com­ parking. It will also provide staff members lights were installed in theOhiaentryway. The Honda moped and drove off like there was a pany kept hassling me to pay up my cellular with a chance to exercise as they spend most thief was caught when bystanders remarked fire or something." phone bill and of course I couldn •t afford to of the time in school sitting behind a desk. on his glow. The suspect, Whendall Grubb, was ar­ eat out anymore. The circumstance forced For the fli'Sl trial semester, lots will be He is being held pending trial. rested at Strab Clinic's emergency depart- me to do it, I had no choice." No fooling I This page is full of real stuff

OTA opens basic class Student Activities Office now recruiting to all Allied Health students for Program Assistant positions The Student Activities Office is recruit­ ning and organizing workshops and activi­ A desire to attract additional students into You must have the registration card signed ing now for the following positions to begin ties to help students improve their self-es­ the profession of occupational therapy has byoneoftheOTAfaculty,eitherCarolPaul­ Fall1992: teem and their ability to survive and compete motivated the OTA faculty to "open up" the Watanabe or Ann Kadoguchi who can be Program Assistant in Recreation: Are you successfully in their daily lives. To assist in basic orientation course to those students found most days in Kauila 210. a motivated, well organized self-starter with motivating and recruiting students to be­ who have been considering allied health as a The course introduces the concepts upon good command of spoken and written En­ come volunteers in the college and the com­ career but who cannot quite decide which of which the profession ofoccupational therapy glish to assist in planning and organizing all munity. Must have common sense, good the many programs are for them. is built ..purposeful activity, the total per­ types of recreational activities. Must have personality and be able to work well with If you enjoy working with people, talking son and the role of the occupation. Included common sense, good personality and be able KCC students and staff, possess current with them and problem solving, then the is a brief history of the profession, the role of to work well with KCC students and staff. Hawaii State driver's license. Pay commen­ OT A program might be for you. the occupational therapy assistant and legal Must also possess current Hawaii State surate with qualifications. Desirable quali­ The course to take is OTA 100- Orienta­ and ethical problems facing the profession driver's license. Pay commensurate with fication: At least two more years at KCC or tion to Occupational therapy. To be eligible and the health care industry. There will be qualifications. Desirable qualifications: At UH. for one of the 10-15 non-major slots you four or five visits to local occupation'al least two more years at KCC or UH. For more information, contact the S to­ must have an 11.5 reading level; be enrolled therapy settings and discussions about the Program Assistant in Volunteerism and dent Activities Office in Ohia 101 or call in English 100 or be eligible for English 100. field visits. Personal Development: To assist in plan- 734-9576. Are you willing to view this Practice interviewing skills exhibit and not blame the artist for any mental or emo­ Mock interviews are being sponsored by viewing skills with employers from City the Career Center Tuesday, April 7 from Bank, Ethel's Dress Shop, First Hawaiian tional damages that might 12:30 to 3:30 p.m. in Ilima 103. Bank, Hawaiian Telephone, Jenkins be incurred from viewing it? Students will be able to practice inter- Conosulting Services, Kahala Hilton, Outrigger Hotels and Kaiser Permanente. RAW ELEMENTS, a mixed media in­ Students must have a prepared stallation by Robert B. Miller shows April A hard rock band Playn' Dirty resume' .Those needing to prepare a resume' 6-24 in the Koa Gallery. Opening recep­ is looking for a lead singer. may attend a workshop Tuesday, March 31 tion is Monday, April 6, 6 - 8 p.m. Interested? in 'Ilani 120 from noon to 1:15 p.m. His works, which incorporate motion, Call395-4905, 833-4122 or 734-4146 An interview skills workshop will be held sound, light and glass forms are activated Serious talent only! in 'Ilima 106 from noon to 1:15 p.m. by the viewer. The effect: a blanding of Students must sign up for the mock inter­ thought and sensation. views at the Career Center. GUARD HAWAII·s FUTURE On-Campus recruiting The campaign to save the environment individual interviews which will take place The Hawaii Army National Guard Is looking for people will be on campus Apri11, 2 and 3, to recruit April 2 and 3. students to work as Campaign Assistants. Also, Northwest Airlines will be on cam­ to fill Important Part nme Positions. Anyone with good oral and written commu­ pus on April23 from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. in the nication skills and an interest in the environ­ cafeteria to recruit students for Flight Atten­ If you qualify and have no experience, ment may apply. dant positions. we will train you in any of the following skills: Recruitment will take place from 10 a.m. All students fluent in Chinese, Japanese, to 2 p.m. at the Cafeteria on April1, 12:30 to Korean, and other Asian languages are en­ Artillery • Engineer • Communication • Mechanic 3:30p.m. in Ilima 105 on April2 and 10 a.m. couraged to visit the booth. Infantryman • Administration • Medical Specialist to 1:30 p.m. in Ohia 118 on April3. For additional information, contact the Food Service Specialist • And Many More Interested students need to visit the booth Career and Personal Development Unit, Ilima in the cafeteria on April 1 and sign up for 103, or call734-9500.

If you have prior mHttary service, you may fll a vacancy Immediately. As a guardsman, you may qualify for the following benefits: Notetakers needed • FREE COLLEGE TUmON AT ANY UH CAMPUS, TO INCLUDE GRADUATE WORK Time is running out! If you are compas­ ISC 100 T,TH 9:30-10:45 sionate and willing to help a fellow student, ICS 100 M,W,F 9-9:50 • THE NEW Gl BILL (up to $5040 for a beHer education) being a notetaker is for you! Pay rate is ACCT202 M,W 1:30-2:45 • $10,000 STUDENT LOAN REPAYMENT $5.55 per hour. ART 101 Sat 10:15 - 12:15 • $1 00~000 LIFE INSURANCE OPTION Notetakers are needed for the following English 022 W,F noon -1:15 • $2,000 CASH ENLISTMENT BONUS classes: ESL005 T,TH 11-12:15 • AND MANY MORE BENEFITS ILLWL=ll : =/ i...... : IGUIRDi Americans At Their Best. AMERICANS AT THEIR BEST U you're adventurous and a seeker of new challenges, give us a call today and be a part of HAWAII'S own and help Guad Hawaii. 737-9825 OR 735-3822

The Guard Is An Equal Opportunity Employer Leake: Not slow on appetizer ideas "

By Moriso Teraoka Leake also discovered that leaving the snails in the refrigerator for about two weeks Frank Leake, Short Order Cooking In­ has a positive effect on the meat. This short structor at KCC, can now prepare our local hibernation relaxes the muscles and makes vi- African snails in a delightful appetizer, mor­ the meat tender.

~s- sels as succulent as the French escargot for Leake submerges the snails into salted whicb a gounnet will pay a premium price. boiling water for about 30 seconds. After in Leake got the idea of utilizing the local that, the snail is dipped into iced water to >e­ African snails after a chance conversation shrink the meat away from the walls of the m­ with Seigfried Wiegand, semi-retired KCC shell and the meat is removed with a cocktail od cooking instructor. ith "Wiegand told me that as a teenager in mt · Gennany, he used to gather snails in the m- bushes surrounding his family farm,'' Leake ai­ said. "Food was scarce in post-was Ger- I know that our Afri- or , many. He found a method to purge the '' digestive tract of the snails so that after a can snails, which we tu­ week of feeding the snails fresh clover, the all snails became sweet-smelling and the meat have an abundance of, had a hint of sweet clover." He continues, "I know that our African were brought in from snails, which we have an abundance of, were Asia anil were intended brought in from Asia and were intended to be Clockwise from top left: . used as food. Somehow, the snails were not to be used as food. Proud chef shows off her accepted by the local housewives." goods,· Herbs for "Wiegand's information about purging snails: what goes into the digestive system intrigued me," Leake what goes into you; said. "I decided to do some experiments The final product - with some of the green leaves of the veg­ fork. Removal of'' the digestive tract and Escargot a Ia Leake. etables we discard. I started with lettuce and thorough rinsing completes the preparation. the snails seemed to like them, but nothing Sauteing the snails in clarified sweet but­ exciting happened. Then it dawned on me to ter and pouring a rich herb butter over the Photos by Morlso Terakoa try some of the basil herbs that we have lots snails completes the cooking. of in our school herb garden. After feeding Leake will present his new appetizer at the snails for a week on sweet basil leaves, I the Bistro this week. hit the jackpot"

Koa Gallery Buried bones bring tee offers .. Real Art .. Bishop Museum to KCC m­ he By JoyWong ''From the evidence gathered, we are prob­ they needed." ~ n- ably looking at two to three males, and one In old Hawaiian days, the area around A few skeletal remains, a chipped poi woman for sure. We really couldn't explore Diamond Head was swamp and marsh land. pounder and a fossilized can of Spam were much due to the existing construction. I Not much flora or fauna could thrive in this among the fiTst artifacts found on the con­ think that there is much more under the new area. struction site next to the Koa building. library and other structures. How they got "It makes sense now, Hale' o 'alunu would he Early Friday morning, Ida Noh and a few here, I'm not too sure." be comparable to the modem day Alcatraz." na of her co-workers unearthed the burial site Some experts think it might be a burial says Whitmore. ''The legend was dismissed during an unorthodox coffee break when a ground for common people. Others, like due to lack of evidence. Descendants of laborer named Juan 'shotgunned' two quarts Hawaiiana expert Keola Whitmore, feels Hawaiian story tellers probably didn't pass ofsteaming hot coffee and collapsed from an it's not that simple, but rather a much darker on the fable due to the darkness of it. After extreme caffeine rush. secret has been uncovered. generations passed, it was completely for­ Juan, who had been participating in their "According to a Hawaiian legend," ex­ gotten." morning 'wham bam java slam', regained plains Whitmore, "The area behind Mount Is KCC home to these forgotten souls? consciousness, armed himself with a large Le'ahi - Diamond Head- was known as A grant from the University Foundation plastic 'spork', seized a large earth mover Hale'o'alunu, Home of the Greedy. People is being formulated to start an in depth re­ and started to tear-up the terra. were banished to this area when they were search of the artifacts and to create a new After ninety seconds of maniacal dig­ accused of hoarding more provisions than legend. ging, Juan lapsed back into a caffeine in­ duced coma and was whisked away by med­ ics. After surveying the damage, construc­ r.------, r------, tion workers discovered what they thought •Kapio Drawing• • 1/2price 1 to be the remains of a polar bear or whale. I I I I Immediately, all construction was halted I First place- An an expense paid I I Round trip Ticket to any I as scientists, police, press reporters andJ eop­ 1 round trip ticket to Hawaii. 1 I . . I I Second place-A year subsciption to 1 Netghbor Island Vta the ardy contestants milled through the dirt try­ 1 1 ing to find all the artifacts intact. 1 the Kapiolanl Community 1 1 Yellow Submarine. 1 College newspaper. 1 1 A d t' · 1 On Monday construction would resume. I Third place-lunch for two at the ccomo a tons tn- Shuffling through the soil, more skeletal 1 Bistro. I 1 elude overnight stay at I remains-none intact, were discovered. Other I I 1 I relics found were a smooth stones and an 1 Name . 1 1 the Grass Shacks Inn, 3 1 intricate bracelet composed of hollowed out 1 Age 1 1 meals(spam and eggs) 1 sharks teeth. Dr. J. Diggum, head archaeologist at I Annual Income I I and rental canoe. I Bishop Museum, determined the bones to be I Family Pet's Name I I Underwater Sea Adventure I from humans. He dated the remains to be I Number of Arrests I I 922-TRIP I 'With Half My Life Over" by Deimos. from the middle 1700's. L------..1 L-----.------1 There·s a hippo spotted among usl

By Larry Lieberman werewolf, a leech, several soiled gerbils from the Kuhio district, a school of piranha State quarantine officials expressed con­ and what Schulla calls "Some nasty pigeons." cern yesterday over the possibility that a Still on the lam: ~ The giant pink s1_1ail from hippopotamus turned in as part of the illegal the movie ."Dr. Doolittle." animal amnesty program is only one 9f Some of the tum-ins were·a li~e. bi~outof several hippos being held illegally on the ordinary, like a man who tti~· '9 ~!Jnl in Oahu. a prosthetic limb, conyinced · th~,it _ had a Quarantine office spokeswoman life 9f its own. There was a man who Teri-Anne Schulla explained, "We are entered the quarantine office with a aware ofthe persistent rumor that hippos black sheet of consll1Jction paper, onto are being kept as pets in the Hawaii Loa which he proceeded to shake the lice out area, and our greatest concern is that of his hair, screaming ''Take them! Take · some may have already found their way into them" There was also a case in which a the wild and could be breeding in Niu Valley well-intentioned fellow brought in the large Stream." family occupying the ohana unit on his prop- " The danger exists, Schulla noted, that prima­ erty, mistaking them to be marsupi~s. wild hippos could wander into secret pakalolo -:--iiiiiiiiiii~------;;;;;;;;iiiiiiiiiiiiiij;jj;;;iiiii;;;;;;;;iiiiiii;;;;iiiii~;;;iiiiii~---rily to the resi- "My favorite," Schulla recalls, "was a fanns hidden in the valley, and their inno­ law enforcement hoped dents of Kahala and Hawaii woman who tried to tum in her husband, cent grazing end up in delirious rampages. to utilize its weed-sniffmg snout to track Loa, many of whom like to keep exotic claiming ~at he was 'just an animal."' One such hippo was found several months down pakalolo fields for the. green harvest animals as pets. The amnesty program will be extended ago, completely intoxicated. The creature program. Other hippos may not receive the The success of this year's amnesty pro- for another two weeks, allowing owners of was sighted by motorists after it descended same special treatment when caught, Schulla gram has been tremendous, according to those animals not allowed in Hawaii to anony­ from the valley and fell asleep, unable to added, and are most likely to be sold to the Schulla. The outlawed critters turned in mously tum the creatures in without fear of cross Kalanianaole Highway during traffic. many ethnic restaurants on Kapahulu Street include severill snakes, lizards, bats, poison- penalty or reprisal. Mter that time, a hippo The potted 'potamus was taken into custody "Now is the time to tum in your hippo- ous spiders, a grizzly bear ("We fmally got could send an otherwise upstanding citizen by state officials and released on the Big polamus." Schulla emphasized, speaking him," Schulla says), three armadillos, a straight to the big cage. Amnesty for tray-nappers Does your pass pass? By Moriso Teraoka to record the room from where the trays By Lois Street same thickness in a row. Finally, the back­ were taken. Guilty parties will be charged ground image on the front of the pass should Starting today, the Food Service De­ $10 per tray. TheHonoluluPoliceDepartmentinformed say "World safety ticket, Police have noticed partment will grant amnesty for one week But, one who finds and returns a tray . the public yesterday that they have a suspect in thatsomeofthecounterfeitssay"Globeticket" to all departments, faculty, staff and stu­ starting next week will be given a coupon custody in connection with the counterfeiting Ifyou come across any of these discrepancies, dents who return cafeteria trays. worth 25 cents, good for the purchase of of April adult bus passes. Police investigator the police ask that you deliver the pass to any Starting next week, cafeteria workers any food item in the cafeteria. Hiram Sum"eda would like to warn the public police station. will visit every office and class room and "With replacement costing $10 per tray that any counterfeit passes found in their pos­ Dana Tanaka, of the Better Business Bu­ confiscate every tray that belongs to the and the cafeteria losing more than 100 session will be confiscated. reau does not think that confiscating a persons cafeteria. The trays are easily recognized trays per year, we had to do something to "We've had trouble with this sort of thing bus pass would be fair given that the passes by the logo printed on the upper right-hand reduce our operating cost," said the spokes­ before, but we think the public will understand were purchased from a legitima_te retailer. She comer. The workers have been instructed person. any inconvenience and support our investiga­ is petitioning the state to refund the pass tion." Sumeda says. holders money if they willingly tum them in. Sumeda released a list of things to look for Says Tanaka, "Mr. Sumeda is only con­ to determine ifyour pass is bogus. On the back cerned with solving his case, and not with the Let your sperm work for you! of the pass under the bar code is a number. inconvenience to the public." There should be no more than five digits. The BusdrivershavebeeninstruCted ~politely First Fertile Sperm Bank bar code itself should not have two lines ofthe put persons with counterfeit passes offthe bus.

Opening this week in Ohia 301 Tied into KCC robberie~: -­ Hours: 7 a.m.-5:30p.m. Dough boys get their cake_cooked All deposits welcome! Equal opportunity bank ByAlB.Rich Dough Boy?" added Erotica. Police were called to the strip bar and During spring break the KCC food ser­ arrested two Portuguese men, ages 21 and23 No discrimination: vice classroom was broken into five times. for counterfeiting. The two men, names •Race •Age An inventory check done by KCC staff mem­ being withheld until the mafia can be noti­ •Intelligence • Appearance bers, revealed that nothing was missing ex­ fied, have been convicted of robbing First cept for a total of 75 pounds of dough. Police Fertile Savings and Loan in 1990. The two investigators found no evidence or break-in men have pleaded no contest to the coUnter­ Convenient Night Depository damages in or on the building. They also had feit charges and must complete their past no clue of the motive behind the crime. prison term plus 30 years hard labor in the Speedy Automatic Tellers ''The thieve is obviously a professional," prison cafeteria. Direct Deposit Services Sgt. Kealoha said. "He knows what he is What was the motive for your behavior? doing andisn 'tsomeone to be messed around "Wen we was in jail, all the other prison­ Maximizer Accounts with." ers talked about was all da dough dey was On Sunday March 29, professional exotic goin' to make and da bad chickS at Rock Me Customer Assistance dancers, Elsie Erotica and Busty Betty who Hard LolDlge. So me and da udda guy are employed at Rock Me Hard lounge com­ thought wen we get out, jus rob da place plained about being tipped with real bread. where get plenty dough and blow the whole Substantial Penalty for Early Withdrawal "I finished my dance routine and all I had thing at the club. I tink the girls was jeolous in my garter belt was green colored bread," cause we started buying drinks fo da udda Ask about our error-free performance and low rates Busty said '"This job is my bread and butter, chick and that's why dey wen rat on us." but this is ridiculous." If anybody tries make purchases at your All services guaranteed Consumer HoHine- 734-9167 ''What the --do these guys think, I establishment with green bread, please notify send my Porsche payments to the Pillsbury Sgt Kealoha at Duncan Donuts immediately. I • Bay Watch beauty hosts CPR class rbils By q.U.Later suscitation on volunteers selected from the started gyrating," Eleniak said. "From then mha "It usually starts out serious enough, with audience. me and the other girls explaining the basic on it just became son of a party." Ins." The stai Of TV ·series Bay Watch will rom The buxom and beautiful Elenialc, who CPR techniques," Eleniak said. "Then it Eleniak emphasized the fact that it was conduct a CPR demonstration in a bikini for plays a lifeguard on the show, was selected usually gets a little out of control when we for charity and said she would go to great charity at KCC next week. for her prior CPR training as well as her wit, strip down to suits and move to the lengths to raise funds. She has created her utof our Erica~'Eteniak, actress on NBC's life­ charm and chest muscles. mouth-to-mouth demonstration, guys start own special topless review that is quite as­ n in guard ~ - show, will host and participate "I have always been .•• you know ... to get a little tongue happy." tonishing. ada in an irltr&fuctory CPR co'urse and bikini large! Even when I was in elementary school When Eleniak started doing the benefits "I've made more money table dancing for who contest to be held in the Ohia Dining Room my 'hooters' were always bigger than my it was justa straightinsttuctional demonstra­ the chainnan of General Motors than all of tha next Friday evening at 5 pm. teachers," Eleniak said. tion, no bikinis or dancing. However an the other girls combined," she said. l>nto All proceeds of the program will be do­ Being an excellent swimmer, because of interesting thing happened during last years CEOofGeneralMotorsJamesRichardson ~out nated to the Hawaiian chapter of the Ameri­ "ake - hernatural'life preservers,' she learned CPR convention on the notorious Hotel street in commented on Eleniak's display. can Lung Association (ALA) to help fight while training for her spot as a life guard. downtown Honolulu. "It makes me proud to see Americans ch a lung disease and other illnesses. Eleniak, who has participated in other "We were just about to do the wrap-up working for a good cause like lung research, uge Eleniak, along with other scantily clad ALA benefits, described the program as a when some music came on and a spot light especially one like Eleniak who has such rop- Bay Watch actresses, will perform live dem­ crash course in CPR with a little something hit Jugs (a friend of Eleniaks, her real name big, ah •.. er lungs; yeah that's it, lungs," he onstrations of CPR and mouth-to-mouth re- extra. is Irene) dead in the ... chest region and she said. as a and, lded Tri.ck or treat or Registration ·sof >ny­ Playboy Magazine nuts to you too discrimination li'Of ppo Sun bums Frick and Frack have been as­ Students, beware! In an attempt to boost izen signed to the KCC grounds crew to work off grades and lower absenteeism at KCC, the looking for models their 100 hours of community service. Their administration has announced a new program sentence is a result of a Halloween trick or which allows students with good grades to treat caper last October. register before students on probation. By Noah One "Big colleges and universities are over­ The pair had been collecting trick or treat The program, called Head Start, will be put rated," he said. "We have been using them candy in the Kahala neighborhood to supple­ intouseduringFalll992, andisonlyintended For the frrst time in history, Playboy because they are known to be party places, ment their dwindling stock of food. Both are for those students taking advantage of the ack­ Magazine will produce an issue featuring the but I have found there is a big underground living on the beach. Neither was able to qualify mail-in registration system. Students on the )uld students of community colleges in Hawaii. night scene in the community colleges." for financial aid because both are on academic Honor Roll or in Phi Theta Kappa will receive iced I.M. Weener, assistant to Hugh Hefner, Weener feels that KCC is the logical probation. their mail-in registration information on or came up with the idea on a recent visit to the choice of sites because of its size and scenic "We went to several houses dressed as about April27. Students with a GPA above ;ies, islands. According to Weener, local men surroundings. Being that the campus is bums," Frick said, "and most of the time 2.0 but below 3.5 will receive their packets on any and women are the most attractive in the being used, KCC students will get flrst crack people slammed the door in our faces because or about May 27. Students placed on aca­ United States. at being models for the special issue. Half of we were too old or not dressed up enough. One demic probation will have to register after the Bu­ "I actually came here to fmd a location for the models to be used will be from KCC, ;ons lady told us our outfit was toorealistic,and she before mentioned. a photo shoot," Weener said "But when I with the other 50 percent coming from Wind­ was not in the habit of encouraging bums." The Provost said that the idea arose be­ sses saw the local woinen, I knew I had hit upon ward Community College, Leeward Com­ "We were getting desperate, so I toldFrack cause grades on the whole are dropping and She something much be~r than just a site. Ha­ munity College and Honolulu Community to strip and did likewise. We went to the next absenteeism is at an all time high. Classes are !)aSS waii has_the most amazing potpourri of ex­ College. Interested students should attend a house and said we were Hershey bars, 'I'm only half-full at any given time. Parking lots, 1 in. otic beauty." briefmg session April3 at 1 p.m. in Lama plain, He's the one with the nuts." jam-packed by 7:45 a.m., are deserted by :on- Weener went" on to say that the idea of i 18. Modeling experience is helpful but not ''Trouble is, people have no senseofhumor noon. The last straw, The Provost said, was the using college students for Playboy magazine necessary. And men, take heart! Ifthe issue anymore. Theladycalledthecopsandhere we the large tumbleweed he saw rolling along the is not a new one, bUt never before have the is as successful as W eener feels it will be, are." campus last week. · tely magaZines focUsed on COMMUNITY col- Playgirl will soon be knocking on our doors bus. leges. - - this time for male models.

MOvie on location Y ou·ve heard of the beer bong that became popular Jut 1pring break, now at KCC building come• a breakthrough and in beer drinking rl23 By Curt Willnought and have a black belt in a martial art. rnes Local actresses with some dramatic ex­ technology._ . loti- The KCC Student Employment Office perience are also needed to play the girl­ 1irst announced that Global Pictures is set to film friends of Seagal and Hall. The women From the company that two an action scene in front of the Lama Building should look exotic (local, Polynesian or at 9 a.m. on Wednesday, April 30, 1992. Amer-asian) with long straight hair. They 1ter- I' brought you glow in the Lama was chosen for its sunken area in must also be slim and trim, because they will --..;.,. the middle 9f the library. The area will serve appear in French-cut bikinis. dark pretzel•, come• the as a modern boxing ring in the movie and Roles going to locals require very little __,_-:_Beer Enema. afor'! will also be the site of one of the love scenes. speaking, as the director is mainly searching In the movie, ''The Dragons of the Pa­ for "looks." ron- cific," Jean-Claude VanDammeandSteven Also, the director says, "Most local people Seagal star as martial arts experts competing in Hawaii can't Speak proper English any­ Brought to you by guy~ in an illegal no-rules winner-take-all fight in way." the fmmel up your Hawaii. Arsenio Hall guest stars as the fight The actors and actresses selected may butt corporation. ~~ promoter. ~'The Dragons of the Pacific" is also be signed for the proposed sequels. ous due to be released in August 1992. KCC students are also needed to appear The scene being filmedatKCC will be of as extras in the fight scene to be fllmed at one of the preliminary elimination bouts. KCC. Extras will be paid $75 per day of Bruce Lee-type actors with martial arts train­ fllming. ing are~ to play the background fight­ To arrange an audition or to apply to be an ers. Theymustlook impressive bare-chested extra, call casting agent I. M. Lyon. Alternative charities for donors on a budget

_ By Larry Lieberman • ADOPT -A-MONK USA: Few people "Liver eaters make better lovers'', "Liver for into place, and free the surfers from such are aware of the plight monks face in this Life" and "Liver: It's not just for breakfast worldly boundaries as work, school, and As Spring approaches, so do the charities. country. Strangers in an all to often strange anymore!", the Society hopes to tum the other meaningless responsibilities, Nelson The mailbox is full of them; requests from land, the poor fellows fmd themselves fre­ tastebuds of America. The Society encour­ started the Tube Foundation with a personal the Easter Seals, United Way, March of quently disoriented and often mistaken for ages any liver lovers tD jump on the band­ donation of one million dollars. Unfortu­ Dimes, the list seems endless. Everybody Jawas from the Star Wars trilogy. It is easy wagon and help out by eating liver in public nately, his experiment was a failure. After wants to help, but few can afford to give to adopt a monk, according to ADOPT-A­ whenever possible, preferably with bacon three short months, the money was gone and large sums. The following list, therefore, MONK USA brochures. In fact, the experi­ and onions "just so it smells good". Mem­ the surfers had only gained some weight should prove of great use to those who seek ence can be mutually beneficial to both par­ bership in the Liver Society is free, but from eating countless pizzas and bags of places where their hard earned money can be ties. Monks can be assigned certain house­ fmancial contributions are essential to en­ Cheetos. They were no more angelic than put to immediate, practical use. A small, tax­ hold duties, and can be counted on to per­ sure a lasting portrayal of the general whole­ they had been before being "set free". The deductible gift to any of these alternative, form their tasks regularly, although it is someness of liver to the American public. ocean had failed to produce her Gods. When independent charities will ensure both the unwise to send them out for groceries. Many Contributing members receive the Society's one surfer replied to Nelson's questions about · gratitude and respect of the beneficiaries. monks specialize in cleaning up after pets quarterly newsletter, LIVER BULLETIN. the sanctity of the wave by belching and So, without any further ado, Kapio presents and separating colors for laundry. The monks passing out, Nelson withdrew all further the list of 1992. s most unique and deserving are usually quite silent, and spend most of • THE GRUMP TRUST: With the support and affiliation with the group. The - alternative charities: their time scurrying up and down hal~ways motto "GO AWAY", the Grump Trust has leaders of the Tube Foundation, however, for no apparent reason, uttering ancient Celtic ~n helping local grouches recognize their had been given a chance to organize, and (Unless otherwise noted, contributions to chants under their breath. A monk can prove problem and overcome their afflictions for now continue to run an efficient, streamlined any of these organizations can be made quite handy in ridding the house of demons more than twenty years. Citing evidence charity organization that provides financial through Cheri-ann Shiroma at . the Kapio and poltergeists, as evidenced by the pres­ that chronic crabbiness is actually a disease support for dedicated surfers statewide. office.) ence of broom-waving monks, shrieking wrought by the virus Whassamati Ustupidi, imprecations in the yards of several ADOPT­ Grump Trustee Dick Major appeals to the • FLATULATORS ANONYMOUS: • THE POLE FUND: The pole fund was A-MONK households. Another benefit of public to donate the funds needed to develop For those who tremble at the thought of created in 1978 as a means ofpreserving and adopting a monk is that, should the house a cure. As well as contributing to grumpi­ passing gas in public, Flatulators Anony­ promoting poles in our culture. Although it ever come under attack by a monster, the ness research, the Grump Trust provides mous offers help in the form of weekly is a national organization, most of the work monksarealmostalways the frrstto be eaten, one-sided beds for those who have difficulty support groups. Learning from the experi­ of the pole fund is done on a local level, allowing time for the occupants to flee. For fmding the right side to wake up on. Major, ence of others is an unbeatable way to in­ through a satellite network of pole fund more information, send a self-addressed rendered unable to speak because of his crease self confidence, claims FA counselor volunteers. There is an emphasis on frreman stamped envelope to ADOPT-A-MONK constant and incomprehensible grumbling, Ima Loudbottom. poles, but the pole fund does not exclude USA,RuralRoute 14, OkeefenokeeSwamp, can be found wandering around downtown "We really need support from the public, telephone, street lamp or flag poles, polo Wisconsin, 40567. Honolulu with a sign that reads "Get the hell because they're the ones who have to deal ponies, water polo players, or the North and away from me." It is probably smartest to with inappropriate flatulence." South Poles. National Pole Fund spokesper­ • THE LIVER SOCIETY: The Liver heed his advise. "Many of our graduates have found the son Derick Wasnzewzski explains one of the Society is just what its name implies. It is a courage to return to the movie theaters and problems that the pole fund has fought to fix: group of people who actually enjoy eating ·THE TUBE FOUNDATION: One of elevators which they had once found impos­ "What we've been seeing alotoflately is the liver. Rejecting the old alcoholic's adage Hawaii's largest private charities, the Tube sible even to think of entering.,, Loud bottom development of single story frredepartments. that "The quality of life depends upon the Foundation i~ run exclusively by surfers, for proudly exclaims. Now how the heck are you supposed to put liver", the Liver Society insists that the surfers. Formed on Maui in 1989 by billion­ Flatulators Anonymous also addresses a in a J?Ole if there's only one floor? The whole quality of life improves with the consump- aire surfer/artist Christian Lysse Nelson, the range of other social faux pas, including beer point is that the frremen play checkers up­ tion of liver. Claiming that liver is merely Tube Foundation began as a Christmas gift burps, tooth sucking, nose-picking, exten­ stairs, then slide down a pole to the truck the victim of bad publicity, the Society uses to the local surfers. Nelson felt that if they sive zit-popping, and neglecting to send when there's a frre! So we've created a Pole its funds to promote liver, with·appearances could surf all day, everyday, that the other­ thank-you notes. Fund PAC (political action committee) to try of the Society mascot "LIVER MAN" at wise scraggly young men would somehow and get some legislation through on a federal several food fairs and restaurant conven­ metamorphosize into near angelic beings of ·Because these charities are all compara­ level." tions each year. Using such hip slogans as spiritual perfection. To set his experiment tively tiny, a small donation will go far. This Spring, decide to be generous! A guide to creative wandering words of wisdom

By Doc D Holladay (Myoporum sandwicense.)] Educational Oh little bird up in the tree Media Center.- Kapiolani's Creative Cen­ Many students wandering the campus ter for Television (KCC TV). are Why did you pee on the honey bee aimlessly because building names at KCC Lama -New library [I. Native Hawai­ are so confusing. Due to the controveisy, ian trees of the genus Diospyros. 2. Torch, His wings got wet and down he flew Kapio has put together a list of the current light, lamp. Lama wood was used in building requests and definitions. The building's temples and a piece of it was placed on the He landed in a pile ofpoo current name is in bold - The nickname is in altars of the goddess Laka because its name italics [The Hawaiian meaning of current suggested enlightenment] The Library and When his wings dried out he flew away Rubber-tv'lajd condoms we pattemed name is in brackets], followed by other popu­ Kapio. Books and Such (B.S.). li lar terms or uses for building. 'Ohelo -Othelo/Hello?!: [Asmallnative after our popular line of dish washing So don't put honey on your toast today J shrub in the cranberry family, (Vaccinium gloves for m~mum comfott and 'llima -Lima(bean) [Small to large protection. Don't you wish every thing native shrubs.] Administration buildings, reticulatum) bearing small, red or yellow wu made like Rubber-Maid. 'V -VanWyck known for long lines during registration. - edible berries; formerly sacred to the god­ II Administration, Registration, and Frus­ dess Pele.] Food Services. - Kapiolani's tration buildings (ARF). Restaurant And Pastries building Kauila -Kailua [A native tree in the (KRAP). RONCO-MATIC SUPER SLUG SQUISHER buckthorn family (Alphitonia ponderosa.)] Mokihana -Hiawatlw [A native tree Nursing and Allied Health. - Student Infir· found only on Kaua'i, Paydoff Union and mary Center, Kapiolani (SICK). Friends Foundation (PUFF). ~&:._ ..... Koa -Koa [1. Brave, fearless. 2. Soldier, Maile -Smilely [A native twining shrub .. ~- martial law. 3. An endemic forest tree, the with shiny fragrant leaves, (Alyxia 0 largest and most valued of the native trees olivaejormis) a favorite for decoration and ;,;;;, b .. ·. ·" -~·-·.::. 0 (Acacia Koa)] Arts and Ceramics. Fine leis.] Drama, Dance, Music.- Social, Per­ .. . . . Arts (F.ARTS) forming and Creative Arts (SPCA). Sl.i:& y slu, lwrds got you feelm, l>lVA. 'Ohi'a '-OvaHea(Over here) [1. Several 933/0CS -Fire Hazard [None.] Old Sttike )Mk at those spi:D.eless lll:tlt :b"Ugiers 1 species of trees belonging to two genera White Building. - Condemned. with tlw Roneo-Mi.t:i.o Super Slv.g Sq'Uislwr. (Metrosideleros and Eugenia.) 2. Tabu as AIB/C/D/FJF/G/WI/J -The Portables lt sl.iles, it tices 1 it sm.ooshs, it gooshs. patches and/or Rundown Portables: [None.] Class­ food during famine.] - The Student lt will :!let rid of all of yov.r m. 'WI'US coated Union Center and Cafeteria Services rooms. - A new name was not submitted :invete)I'Xe worries. due to the proposed homeless housing (SUCKS). Orter touy oi sr-t a fne sllqf scraJer! Naio -Now The bastard sandalwood project. lhe National

;h Horrorscope · ad )0 Pisces (Feb. 19 • March 20) A flame and put yourself in that bitch's awful smell­ al from the·past will try to rekindle a long lost ing shoes. Then again, buy your boss a can of ~- relationship. Gifts ofroses, champagne, and foot powder and tell her to lighten up. er candlelight dinners will be used to sweep Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23) That special td you off your feet Accept all those expen­ someone is tired of the same old thing. In­ t:at sive gestures and make him pay for breaking vest in whips, chains and leather to spice )f your heart. things up. Some whipped cream and cher­ Ill Aries (March 21- April 19) People ries might be considered for desert. Polaroid ae around you will not show much support for cameras are great for capturing those Kodak :n your dreams. Don't let outside expectations moments. llt - lower your goals. One day Micheal Jackson Scorpio (Oct. 24 -Nov. 21) Think twice ld will tour Hawaii, an underwater interisland before investing the savings. A spontaneous

~r tunnel will be built, and the pidgin will be the act will ease the tension at home and work. te - state bird. Skydiving and bungee cord jumping are r, Taurus (April20-May 20) Spend qual­ great stress relievers. td ity time with family members as bonds are Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Set aside d getting loose. Superglue will prove to be a a day from your busy schedule for leisure priceless investment. Your intimate rela­ time. Forget all those jerks, bitches and ll Photo by Shutter B. Quick tionships conflict with your married life. editors that make your life miserable. Treat Gemini (May 21 - June 21) Bills are yourself to a

Larry Lieberman Ann Ravelo Mark HoUaday Kert Wilson Major: Agricutural Eschatology Major: Custodial Engineering Major: Low Interest Student Major: Bovine Scatology (The study of Bible prophecy as Financial Loans, applied to farming) Minor: Electronics

"Yellow" "Green" "Red" "What?"

Papio doesn't want your damn opinion. Don't call us-we'll call you. Don't put anything in our mailbox but money. Have a nice day ..

~A.Vt~+ 'IO~ Cj4yS -~o+ s-hiries +o '" "'...-i+e ! [):::::tJJ---r~--

Just ask Auntie Aloha ,, 4303 Diamond Head Rd .. Honolulu, Hawaii 96816 Dear Aunty Aloha, Dear Aunty Aloha, Dear Aunty Aloha, phone 734-9120 There is this girl that I sit next to in my My professor is a great lecturer and can Somebody should put a stop to all the workers on those little electric carts who Kapio is published every Tuesday by the history class. She is really good-looking and really make a boring subject the most inter­ Board of Student Publications of Kapiolani all, but for one thing. She has a dance class esting thing one has ever heard. My only speed on the sidewalks. I was knocked down Comnnmity College. It is funded by student just before history and after a hard worlcout, complaint is that since the Ohelo dining yesterday and still can't sit fees and advertising and reflects ~ views of she really smells. Tomakeitworse, the room room started serving those Asian dishes with Signed, its editors and writers who are solely respon­ Black'nBlue Behind sible for its contenL Circulation is 2000. in which the class is held is closed and air Kim-Chee, my professor, who eatS there Kapio welcomes contributions to the paper. conditioned so the same stale air circulates often, has breath that could stop a bull dead Editors reserve the right to edit all submissions throughout the room. A mighty big tum-off in his tracks. There's got to be a way to tell Dear Black'nBlue Behind for length. grammar and libel. Publication is if you ask me. or hint to him about it. The aroma which fills Next time, jump faster. Actually, state nat guaranteed. workers are encouraged to speed so that they Couldn 'tthey have like a shower or some­ the room after five minutes of lecture makes All articles in this issue are strictly fictitious. thing where the dance class can go after­ it hard to concentrate and my eyes water. can get more done during their work day. Any resemblance to real-life situations and ward? Not only would showers help the Please help. people is purely coincidental. . dance class so they do not offend, but that Signed, Dear Aunty Aloha, Editor-in-Chief ...... Oteri-ann Shiroma others also do not get offended. Kim-Chee gets in my eyes Recently my boyfriend has taken up body AssL Editors ...... Brock Pernben.on Signed, building.No matter where we are, he pulls ...... Stephan Robley Sweaty & Nauseated off his shirt, tenses his biceps and triceps or ...... Alex Coloma Dear Kim-Chee, whatever and strikes a pose. Staff ...... Larry Liebennan ...... Darryl Chinen Dear Sweaty & Nauseated, I hear your cries for help so here is my What bothers me most is that ever since ...... Mark Holladay Thank you for your letter. As you read suggestion. Buy a gas mask. You can get a he started watching those Gold's Gym ads, ...... Bryan Sclciguchi this, the administration is looking into in­ really good deal at any military surplus store. he thinks it's cool to work up a sweat and ...... Brian Takishila stalling showers in the Maile building. NOT! If that doesn't work, fill a water gun up with drop beads of sweat on me. How can I get ...... Kcrt Wilson ...... Moriso Teraoka But seriously, seeing as this problem really Scope or Listerine. A Supersoaker 100 him to stop? ...... Rod Collins stinks, I sugg~t that you talk to a dean about watergun is recommended, especially if you Signed, ...... Otristine McCarthy iL In the mean time, you might consider in­ sit in the back. Then take careful aim and All smelly & Drippy ...... Ann Ravelo vesting in a can of Lysol and spray the poor everytime he opens his mouth, fire away. Pholographcr ...... Brock Pembe11011 Darkroom Tech ...... Randall Ajiminc girl. Not only will you get rid of the smell, but If that still doesn't work, drop the class Dear Drippy & All smelly, Adviser ...... Prof. Cra Z. K. Wilson you will also help your fellow classmate kill and pray that your next professor hates Asian If you can't beat 'em,join 'em. Next time, the germs and bacteria that cause bad odors. food. tense up your whatever and drip on him.