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understanding childhood the arrival of a new or

Understanding Childhood If you have more than one under five you is a series of leaflets are probably all too familiar with some of the written by experienced problems of . Sometimes who have made a relatively smooth child psychotherapists to adjustment to their first baby are completely give insight into the bowled over by the experience of a second. child’s feelings and view Quite apart from all the practical arrangements of the world and help and physical demands, you shouldn’t parents, and those who underestimate the emotional turmoil caused work with children, to by a new addition to the . make sense of their You have a much more complex and demanding task ahead in managing the behaviour. emotional and physical needs of more than one child in the years to come. Children’s needs often clash, and the continuing task of understanding, managing and negotiating Preparing the older children these, will test parents to their limit. Even without being told about the pregnancy, most children are aware of a sense of pre- Having another baby occupation and a shift in the focus of your interest. If the pregnancy is well established and Parents approach the birth of a new baby with you are aware of wanting to share the news, it a range of different and expectations, is probably better to tell your child about it. and you probably feel a mixture of excitement When you tell them, they won’t fully and apprehension. Your hopes and desires for understand what a new baby in the family will your children are related to your own early really mean, over and above having to share experiences. A whose older brother was you. This makes some children quite fearful a bully may, for example, be hoping that her and bad-tempered, reverting to baby habits 18-month-old will have the close and difficult behaviour. Some children feel friend in her younger sister or brother that she This leaflet was originally extremely fearful of being ‘pushed out’ by a never had. A who was an may new baby. All this is an absolutely normal part published by the Child not be aware that his own one-year-old could of their adjustment but requires a lot of Psychotherapy Trust. have any feelings at all about a new baby in the patience and understanding on your part. It is family. also normal for a child to be as excited and It has to be remembered that it is the happy as you are about a new baby. parents who choose to have another baby, not There is a certain amount you can do to the older sister or brother. They have no say in prepare your child for the new experience of the matter and what is, to you, largely a having a brother or sister. When you talk Leaflets available from: source of happiness may be nothing of the about the positive aspects of a new baby, www.understanding sort to your child. share some of the anticipated difficulties too. childhood.net New babies do take up a lot of time, cry a lot Useful Understanding Childhood leaflets and turn everybody’s world upside down. email: Your child may wish to go back to being a [email protected] Your new baby, your family and you baby for a while, and not be a ‘big sister or brother’ any more. They need to know that it child becomes the older sister or brother, the is OK not to feel wonderful about the new baby in the family becomes the middle child. baby all the time and that sometimes they will It is wise to expect some feelings about this probably feel angry, upset and jealous when to last a long time, if not a lifetime. How we their needs have to wait. You need to reassure feel about ourselves in relation to our them that they are still lovable. and is a powerful thread running through our lives which can easily rise to the surface at different times. Arrangements for the birth For many children – no matter how carefully Your firstborn child needs and support their parents have tried to prepare them – a from other familiar people at a time when new sister or brother remains a tremendous their parents – and particularly their mother – shock. They may have expected a new become less available. The preparations for playmate while the actual arrival has turned your older child’s care when the new baby is out to be a real live, crying, time-consuming born are crucial. Who is your child going to be and demanding baby. with during this time? What will happen if you For the older child, the terrible reality of a need to spend longer in hospital? What is best new baby is that they are no longer the centre for your child during this period? of their ’s universe. In this situation it helps if you can call on an of relatives or friends. It is important for all your immediate circle to Sibling rivalry know what plans are in place, so that you can try and avoid too many separations, new It is natural and normal for an older child to places and strange faces at this time of major respond to the birth of a new baby with change. feelings of , resentment, insecurity, and . What is sometimes hard for parents to see Useful Understanding Childhood leaflets or understand is the way in which these feelings make themselves known: and the extended family • One child may quite clearly try to physically hurt their baby brother, or say openly that they want him to go back. Changing places • Another child may be loving towards the Everyone in the family has to make a big new baby, but aggressive and hostile to her adjustment when a new baby arrives. The mother. family set-up changes overnight: the only • One might become very withdrawn, sucking his thumb and bedwetting. acceptable behaviour. Often the response to • Another may be fine at home but a cause the bad behaviour confirms their absolutely for concern at school. worst feelings about themselves – that they Individual children have different difficulties have been replaced by a new baby because with their new sibling: they are completely unlovable. • A child may accept the new baby with no The message to try and get across to your apparent jealousy, but when the baby is nine child is that they are not ‘bad’ for feeling like months old and grabs their toys, enormous this, that you understand how difficult they feelings of resentment can surface. are finding it and how rotten these feelings • Problems may arise when a younger child make them feel inside. becomes sociable, makes their own friends However demanding and tiring this period and no longer needs their older sister or is, remind yourself that you are the parent and brother so much. it is within your power to try to break this • One child may seem to be more popular or cycle. Take some consolation from the fact successful at school than the other. that your child trusts your love enough to test Brothers and sisters may be very close during you to the limit, and to show you how bad some periods, but there may be times they are feeling. Although it may often be throughout their lives when jealous feelings hard for you to manage both your older child are very difficult for them. and the new baby, your continuing love allows your child a safe place to express their feelings. What can parents do? If you feel you need help, contact your GP Your older child’s unattractive and unlovable or health visitor or local Child Guidance or behaviour is directly related to their of Child and Family Clinic (the addresses are in being utterly unlovable. They need extra the telephone directory under your local reassurance and love at this point, along with Health Authority). clear guidelines about what is and isn’t

Some helpful practical tips

• Try and avoid too many other life changes • Be firm about negative behaviour without occurring at the same time as the new making your child feel guilty. Stress that it arrival. Moving house or starting at is what they are doing, not what they are, playgroup, for example, are best delayed that is unacceptable. if at all possible. • Beware of getting into the habit of • Take time to encourage and appreciate thinking about ‘good’ and ‘bad’ any helpful and loving gestures made behaviour, and ‘good’ and ‘bad’ children towards the new baby, while ignoring within a family. Family myths can be hard negative and babyish behaviour as far as to break. possible. • Watch out for signs of withdrawal or • Find small, manageable tasks for your in your older child, and older child to do to encourage them to be mention any concerns to school or involved. Don’t push it if you get a playgroup staff. A child who is finding negative response, but give praise for the their intense feelings about a new baby help you do receive. too difficult to share may bury them and • Try to arrange some special, baby-free need help in talking about them to time for you and your older child to have someone outside the family. a quiet read or play on your own. Further help Parentline In every area there are organisations that Help and advice for anyone looking after a provide support and services for children child. and . Your GP or Freephone 0808 800 2222 health visitor will be able to Web www.parentlineplus.org.uk offer you advice and, if needed, refer you to specialist ChildcareLink services. To find out more Information about child care and early years about local supporting services in your local area. agencies, visit your library, Freephone 0800 096 0296 your town or county Web www.childcarelink.gov.uk hall, or contact your Contact a Family local council for Help for parents and families who care for voluntary service. children with any disability or special need. Freephone 0808 808 3555 Web www.cafamily.org.uk Contacts Sure Start There are a number of Sure Start YoungMinds Parents’ Information Service programmes in the UK offering services and Information and advice for anyone information for parents and children under concerned about the mental health of a four. To find if there is one in your area child or young person. contact: Freephone 0800 018 2138 Phone 0870 0002288 Web www.youngminds.org.uk Web www.surestart.gov.uk

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