2-7 What Is Codependency

Volume 2, Issue 7 -2- Summer, 2004

Newsletter of Stonebriar Counseling Associates Historically, these destructive · Excessive efforts to control or What is Co-dependency? relationship patterns can be traced change their environment or back to what they learned as people in it · Frequently feeling resentful In the mid-1980s, addiction children growing up in · Being very fearful of rejection, counselors began to expand their dysfunctional families. While or being left alone focus from addiction to alcohol most people with codependency and cocaine, to addiction to don’t end up in a severe state of From these descriptions of activities such as sex, work, collapse, many can identify with codependency, nearly everyone shopping, and gambling. The some or all of the following has at least a couple of these term "co-dependent" came to statements: symptoms. We may occasionally replace "co-alcoholic." As struggle with our identity or with psychotherapists began to · I worry too much about a wanting to control others or with research the behavioral patterns person or problem. setting boundaries. Therefore, of codependent people, they soon · I feel as if I must stay on top of everything. because of the universal presence realized that these people actually · I feel responsible when others of a few of these symptoms some have their own recognizable, are angry or sad. people question the helpfulness of dysfunctional compulsions. Their · I minimize or cover for what the label "codependent." But psychopathology is not just a by- others do wrong. codependents don't just struggle product of being in relationship · It seems as though I’m always with a couple of these with an addict. Nancy Groom, in apologizing for something. · I have difficulty disagreeing occasionally. They consistently her book, From Bondage to with others. rely on a codependent style as Bonding: Escaping · I tip-toe around those I’m afraid their basic way of relating to Codependency Embracing of. themselves and others. The focus Biblical Love, writes that · I’ll do anything to keep the of a codependent person’s life codependents are "addicted," not peace. may include a wide range of to a destructive substance, but to a · I tend to cling to others. people—a spouse, an ex-spouse, a destructive pattern of relating to · I want others to take care of me. · I try to fix people’s problems. boyfriend or girlfriend, a parent, a other people. In other words, · I often feel used by those I try teenage son or daughter, a friend, codependency became a to help or please. or a family. Some codependent description of those persons who people are in a relationship with resisted giving up their caretaker Note that people with a others who have a serious role as much as the chemically codependent lifestyle manifest a drinking or gambling problem. addicted person resisted staying particular lifestyle pattern: Some are in a relationship with a clean. It was as if their whole spouse who is having an identity and purpose in life were · Excessive dependence on adulterous affair. Still others are consolidated in both adjusting to things or people outside oneself living with someone with an and trying to manage the addict’s · Accepting responsibility for others' feelings or actions unpredictable temper. Having problem. No longer do · Letting others dominate or defined codependency what are professionals limit the term abuse them the characteristics? In other words codependency to the family · Neglecting their own needs what does codependency look members of someone with a · Having difficulty knowing their like? chemical addiction. They now own feelings and wishes apply the term to a much broader · A weak sense of personal identity and loss of touch with Features of Codependency group of people. Codependency is their real self used for those who struggle with · Difficulty setting realistic Codependent people have an overreliance and control issues— personal boundaries excessive fear of being even if they are not in a relation- abandoned, ignored, or shamed, ship with an unhealthy person.

so they continually look to others to try to change my spouse or act The Rescuer or things outside of themselves in ways that don't upset him or This is not the courageous person for cues to tell them what they her.” But this is backward who takes personal risks to help should be like or what they need thinking! We must take re- people in dire need. Rather, it is to do. Although sensitivity to sponsibility for our own the one who interferes by bailing others can be a wonderful trait, happiness or unhappiness, and a others out of the consequences of codependents take it to an spouse must take responsibility poor choices. Rescuers enable extreme. The following list for changing his or her own rather than confront problems that describes five (5) dysfunctional feelings and actions. Nancy others create. They cover for roles: Groom, in her book, From others’ glaring mistakes. For Bondage to Bonding, points out example, a rescuer will work an The Caretaker that there is a profound difference extra job rather than confront a This is not the caregiver who is between having normal desires family member who consistently needed by a seriously that other people change and wastes money on drugs and incapacitated person. Neither is holding on to a demand that they gambling that is needed to pay the caretaker someone who helps change. Many codependents bills. They’ll do homework for those who are in need (1 Thess. alternate between periods of intelligent but unmotivated 5:14). If a friend is sick and you trying to please their spouse, teenagers. They’ll screen un- run an errand or watch her kids, subtly attempting to change them, wanted phone calls for family that is not caretaking. Caretakers and brief outbursts of frustration members. They’ll hide a spouse’s try to do for others what they when they directly express their sexual or gambling addiction. could and should do for resentments or expectations to They “protect” and “defend” themselves. The term “care- others. While fervently desiring to others by making excuses for takers” is used in the sense of soothe the deep loneliness and their inappropriate behavior. They over-anticipating what others woundedness they feel through clean up messes that their need so that they can help. They close relationships, most do not irresponsible adult children try to be the hero, eager to fix really understand some of the create. problems. They feel responsible most basic aspects of inter- to change other people’s moods. personal intimacy. One The Pleaser For example, they may offer cornerstone for intimacy and, This is not the one who is trying family members unwanted advice more generally, healthy to be considerate of the real needs or remind them of something they interpersonal relationships is a and feelings of others. Instead, need to do. They monitor their basic respect for one another's pleasers try to do or be what they spouse’s consumption of food or freedom. In other words, allowing think others want them to do or alcohol. They seem to want the individual to be who they are- be. They are preoccupied with problems to solve so that they can to take personal responsibility for making others happy and not feel needed and in control. They their own thoughts, feelings and disappointing them. Pleasers will blame the other person for their behavior. Since codependents go out of their way to agree with unhappiness by assuming they struggle with self-respect, and others so as to avoid con- have a right to try to change that since they often try to change frontation. They are overly person. They reason, “If only my their partners, there is a lack of accommodating and compliant. husband would get his drinking respect for their mate. They have a different face for under control, my life would be Codependent persons can be every crowd. They strive to live better.” Or, “if only my wife were either intimidated and threatened up to the standards of others, even a more considerate person, our by their spouses, or look down on those that are unrealistic. They marriage would be better.” These them as being needy. But in either control others by doing or saying conclusions justify their efforts to case, codependents do not look at almost anything for anyone, fix, "help," or control the other their marriage as a co-equal/one- anytime. person. The codependent's view flesh relationship. Someone is of responsibility goes like this: always in an up or a down The Helpless Victim “My spouse is responsible for my position. Everyone has weaknesses, but unhappiness, and I am responsible those who play the role of the

helpless victim choose to be weak fear, misplaced trust, and poor Samuel for allowing his soldiers unnecessarily. They don’t just examples drive them to control to disobey God’s orders, Saul want to be helped, they want to be and be controlled by people. In finally admitted, “I was afraid of taken care of. Unlike the care- short, anything that forces you to the people and so I gave in to taker, they need others to take give up your own emotional them” (1 Sam. 15:24). care of them. They send the subtle health in order to keep peace, Codependent people are yet loud message, “I’m too weak satisfy, or attempt to "cure" or controlled by a similar fear. Some to handle life. I need your cover for another family member worry about what others might do involvement and cooperation if can set you up for a codependent or think if they fail. Others worry I’m going to make it.” They style. All of us are afraid of about what they might lose if they manipulate others to feel sorry for something. But codependent aren’t needed. All of us need and them. They pressure family and people are gripped with an depend on other people. It’s friends to understand and excuse inordinate amount of insecurity. appropriate for family members their inability to handle life. Much of the way they think and to want each other’s love and Wanting others to be around them relate is motivated by a fear of acceptance. Friends rely on all the time, they absorb attention disapproval, rejection, or anger. friends. But people with co- like a dry sponge. They control They often have a nagging dread dependency need and depend on others through weakness. that something terrible is going to others too much. Something vital happen if they don’t stay in is missing inside them, which The Intimidator control. Martha, who may or may they rely on others to fill. If you Families and churches need not have been overdependent on know of someone who is strong leaders, but they don’t people, is a New Testament codependent and struggles with need leaders who intimidate and example of a person who was their basic sense of self-worth, it lord it over others (1 Pet. 5:3). resentful because no one seemed can be easy for them to believe That, however, is what to notice or appreciate her that they are inherently defective. intimidators do. They get things sacrificial efforts. Her sister Mary Taking time to look beyond the done—their way. Many are was getting all of Jesus’ attention, lie and really understand how pushy, even without raising their even though Martha was the one they personally learned their voices. They leave the impression who opened up her home and was codependent patterns is a that they know it all. They use doing all of the work (Lk. 10:38- significant step in learning self- knowledge to control. They can 42). People with codependency respect. Every person has a story be cordial and friendly, as long as identify with Martha’s re- that is worth listening to and others agree with them. But when sentment. Family members don’t understanding. As people helpers, crossed, they turn mean. Some appreciate their sacrifices. Friends we need to understand how they intimidators even go so far as to don’t listen to their advice or give have been impacted by their verbally and physically abuse them approval and attention. experiences and recognize those who dare to disagree with People don’t understand their identifiable codependent patterns them. Behind the tough exterior, needs or weaknesses. They feel for trying to cope with difficult however, is an insecure heart that used, angry, and mis-understood. situations. God has placed each of is terrified of losing control and Even though they’re resentful, us in the position of working with being abandoned by the very codependent people remain afraid them to see that their struggle is people they intimidate. and overdependent, so they keep not a sign of inherent de- doing or asking for more and fectiveness. In so doing, they will How is codependency more—only to get the same experience less self-blame, more developed? disappointing results. And the compassion and restored hope resentment that builds may that can help them learn healthier Codependency can develop for eventually lead to complaining, ways of relating to others. Next many reasons. Although the faces withdrawing, exploding, or month we will investigate (1) of codependency differ, the expressing resentment in subtle admitting the truth and (2) driving motivations are similar. A ways. King Saul, Israel’s first struggling through the process to careful examination of co- king, was driven by fear. After completely trust the One who dependent people reveals that being confronted by the prophet made us for Himself.

Newsletter of Stonebriar Counseling Associates From the desk of….

Bob Good Sexual Addiction Group Meeting TuesdayTuesday NightsNights atat 7:007:00 pmpm (SCA(SCA Office)Office)

Jimmy Piersall was like most red-blooded American boys growing up in the 1930s. He loved to play America’s favorite pastime. From as early as Jimmy can remember, his father taught him to play baseball. In his book Fear Strikes Out, Jimmy recounts, “One of my earliest memories . . . was standing in the yard behind the house, catching a rubber ball and lobbing it back to my dad. I learned how to catch and throw a ball before I learned the alphabet.” According to Jimmy, he loved playing catch with his dad. It was fun— until it started to become an obsession. Jimmy’s father, a strict man with a violent temper, put enormous pressure on his son to become a major league baseball player. As early as the first grade, his dad said to him, “I don’t want you thinking about fun. When you grow up, I want you to become a slugger like Jimmy Foxx. That is where the money is.” He drilled into Jimmy’s young head, “You must learn baseball backwards and forwards. The more you know, the better you’ll be.” Jimmy later recounted, “I could tell what a batter should do in any given situation before I could write my name.” According to Jimmy’s autobiography, one of his biggest concerns was “whether or not I’d ever be big enough or good enough to play major league baseball. My father put the idea in my head, but it became the one burning ambition of my life. I was just as anxious to make it as he was to see me do it.” Jimmy’s father often warned him about avoiding injuries that could hurt his performance. On one occasion he said, “Remember, son, you grip a bat with all 10 fingers. If anything is wrong with one of them, it can ruin you.” When Jimmy was 17, he broke his arm in a pickup game of touch football. His dad sobbed like a baby and said, “After all I tried to do to keep you for baseball, look what you did to yourself. Now everything’s gone.” Jimmy’s life was full of pressure and worry. Along with worrying about becoming a professional baseball player and pleasing his father, he had other concerns too. He worried about his mother’s happiness and making enough money to take care of his parents, his wife, and his baby. His worries eventually became obsessions that took over his life. He became extremely suspicious of anyone who didn’t understand his obsessions, and began to alienate anyone who got in his way. Jimmy made it to the major leagues in 1952. And he was successful. But the obsessions shaped by his father’s expectations drove him over the edge. In June of 1952, he suffered such a severe breakdown that 7 months disappeared from his memory. Jimmy Piersall’s story is an example of a problem that is more common than most people realize. The term codependence didn’t exist back then, but today many would see part of Jimmy’s problem as an overreliance on his father’s approval. He was driven by an unhealthy and impossible goal of trying to control anything that would cause him to fall short of his father’s expectations. Codependency, in whatever form it takes, is a tortured and often misunderstood way to live. People who struggle with this problem live in a personal prison of stress and anxiety that monopolizes their thoughts and feelings. While they are aware of their misery, they often don’t see the underlying problem that is at the root of their trouble. Over the next two months we will be looking at the causes, symptoms, and solutions for those struggling with codependency. I hope the following material will be an effective instrument in your counseling toolbox.

Sincerely,

Bob

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