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Personal Boundaries WEEK ONE: PERSONAL BOUNDARIES “A healthy personal boundary is the clear space between you and another individual. For parents, it’s the line around you that shows where you end, and your child begins. True wholeness cannot exist without this clear distinction between you, your child, and others.” PERSONAL BOUNDARIES: Are at the foundation of Wholeness. They're made up of self-care practices that lead to self love. They're the journey to self-awareness, understanding your needs and how to communicate and meet them. Having your needs and boundaries met as a parent is essential for this Conscious Parenting Journey. The Foundation of Personal Boundaries...begins with... feeling nourished and whole, to be able to uncover your needs (met and unmet) having the strength to communicate and hold your boundaries meeting the needs of your inner child knowing who you are and how you operate understanding your limits and boundaries and knowing where you start and stop Loose, Rigid & Healthy Boundaries with too loose boundaries, children have an inappropriate amount of power and control this often leaves a child and a family in chaos, as the children call the shots children can become terrified of the power they hold over their parents if given too much loose boundaries can lead to serious behavior problems and places too much of the adult world in the hands of a child rigid boundaries are when all of the power and control lies in the parent's hands old school parenting and top down parenting operate this way this leads to a lack of communication & fairness in the family and eventually disconnection this environment can create an adolescence of withdrawal and extreme rebellion NOW let's talk about Healthy Boundaries!! EXERCISE: Priorities for Personal Boundaries This week let’s start to get a feel if your personal boundaries are too loose or too Self Care - Self Love - Wholeness rigid; Do you have a healthy balance of firm, respectful boundaries that allow age- Self Awareness - Mindfulness appropriate communication and the power Inner Child Work - Healing Work to flow between parent and children? What are Healthy Personal Boundaries? Learning to establish boundaries is a critical part of human development Children need to understand both physical and emotional boundaries Healthy boundaries for parents allow children to learn how to protect themselves both physically and emotionally as they grow Physical boundaries lead to healthy personal space and being able to respect the personal space of others Emotional boundaries mean children are not burdened in childhood thinking they're responsible for making their parents feel a certain way, or that their normal behavior can "make" a parent be a certain way With Healthy Physical & Emotional Without Healthy Physical & Emotional Boundaries, children may... Boundaries, children may... Honor their own personal space & others Climb all over someone's body without consent Become more aware of other people's cues Be too aggressive or too rough both physically & emotionally Not know how to check in with another's body Prime their intuition to trust themselves Talk too loudly in someone's personal space Listen to their inner voice of what is OK and Touch someone without consent what is not OK Tickle someone without consent Know what is comfortable and what is not Hug or kiss someone without consent or be comfortable around other people forced to themselves Understand what is socially acceptable Feel taken advantage of by friends and family Take ownership of their own healthy feelings Feel responsible for their parents feelings or the Relate well to others with ease & grace feelings of others Importance of Healthy Personal Boundaries Positive, healthy mental health Positive, healthy emotional health LACK OF PERSONAL BOUNDARIES CAN LEAD TO: Positive and clear influence on others' behavior over-giving and exhaustion Clear and strongly developed autonomy resentment and anger (essential for healthy children) lack of privacy Positive, healthy, developed identity (who you triggered responses are and how you operate) unhealthy explosive reactions co-dependency burnout and more “Healthy boundaries with your children and your loved ones can be the difference between a love-filled, healthy, thriving relationship and a toxic, dysfunctional, co-dependent relationship.” ~ Tamara Iglesias Examples of Healthy Personal Boundaries You value your own opinion and your self worth You make clear, independent decisions and think for yourself You trust your mama or papa gut/intuition You don't compromise your values for others You understand that your needs come first (beyond the basic needs of your children) You communicate personal info, feelings and needs, in an age-appropriate, healthy way You can accept when people say NO and have the strength and clarity to say NO as well You honor your autonomy. You advocate for yourself. You ask for what you need You regulate your own emotions and take responsibility for your behavior and communicate this to your child to build trust Other types of Healthy Boundaries Intellectual Boundaries: Respect of your child's ideas. Do they have a voice? Does their opinion matter? Awareness of healthy, age-appropriate conversations Material Boundaries: Setting limits on material items. Some items are yours and not safe to play with. For example: diamond earrings, new clothes, high heels (for safety), etc. Time Boundaries: Essential for self-care! How you use your time. Time boundaries are violated when too much of your time is given to one thing or one person. Is there time for you, your children, community, friends, partner, etc. “If you try to control and manipulate your child and their behavior love cannot grow freely, fully, and deeply. True love and freedom cannot exist within this dynamic and this desire to control.” ~ Tamara Iglesias How to Set Personal Boundaries Determine what your need or boundary is. Is it supporting your highest self? Make your needs and expectations known. What matter most to you? If the boundary is not being met, can you look to yourself first and ask; Am I communicating this clearly? Am I honoring this in my child? Am I modeling how important this is to me daily? NOTE: it can be hard to hold your boundaries in moments and times of overwhelm and stress. You are human. You will make mistakes. The key is to try again and self correct. If it becomes long-term, then it becomes a program in your child; push when mom/dad is exhausted and I'll get my way. Not manipulation, just learned behavior. Set the boundary early and often. If that's not possible, can you look at your self-care? What is the unmet need that this boundary could help/support? EXAMPLES: Unmet need: I haven’t had 4hrs on consecutive sleep in a year. Lack of sleep Boundary: I need help in the morning so I can sleep until I wake up Unmet need: I’m exhausted and realize I don’t have any alone time Boundary: Before dinner, I need 30 minutes of me time to walk outside, move, and get some fresh air Unmet need: Not feeling like your body is your own Boundary. I don’t want you to climb on my body, tug or pull on me. My body is available for hugs and cuddles and to carry you. I don’t want my body bumped into or hung on EXERCISE: Three Tiers of Needs Being Met: Can you think of 3 unmet needs and put one The needs you can meet for yourself into each of these 3 categories this week? A need you can meet for yourself, a need you The needs a partner, loved one, or family member can meet can ask a partner or family member to meet The needs a coach, healer, practitioner, etc. can meet and a need a coach can meet. (Secret! You can use me, a coach, to meet that Bonus is when your child begins to be able to meet your needs too! need of maybe more support or self care?) “Don’t say yes to others if it means saying no to loving yourself and feeling whole” ~ Tamara Iglesias ~ Tips for Maintaining Healthy Boundaries Don't share adult information or gossip with your children Enjoy shared activities with your child without losing your role as their parent & confident leader All activities should not just be kid focused ~ parents matter too! See the self-care exercise on the bottom of this page: Self care 3 ways! Allow your child to share input and opinions on family activities (even if you make the final decision) Give age-appropriate opportunities for personal choices (i.e. They're the boss of their own body) This builds decision-making skills over-time and is vital around their body, play, belongings, etc. Maintain a strong bond between the adults in the family and never draw children into parental arguments and resentments Communicate clearly and don’t compromise and allow things you have a boundary around Avoid arbitrary boundaries. All boundaries, personal, family, etc should be consistent, fair, and when appropriate, flexible Don’t over empathize with your child. Their hardships should not break you Trust they can handle disappointments, pain, and life’s inevitable hurts Let your child experience discomfort, with empathy, but not over-empathizing EXAMPLES: When/then statements: “When I finish getting dressed, then I can help you pack your bag.” Slowing things and reactions down: “Yes, I hear you love, I’ll be available to help soon.” Cultivating patience: “Soon, I’ll be available to help, I just have to finish brushing my teeth and washing my face, then I can come play with you.” NOTE: Lots more on these for Week 3 and Communicating Healthy Boundaries! EXERCISE: SELF CARE 3 WAYS! Self care behind closed doors.
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