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Boundaries in Marriage Boundaries in Marriage – Sunday School Notes – Christoph Kreitz Boundaries are the personal property lines which define who we are, what we are responsible for, and where we have limits and limitations. Having clear boundaries is essential for a healthy, balanced lifestyle as well as for spiritual growth and for our ability to give and receive love. Yet many Christians lack boundaries because they fear being selfish, unloving, and unsubmissive. In this Sunday School Series, which is based on the books “Boundaries” and “Boundaries in Marriage” by Drs. Henry Cloud & John Townsend, we want to take a biblical view of boundaries and in particular of boundaries in marriage. We will study what boundaries are and why they are necessary for our Christian walk. We will then look at ways to solve common boundaries conflicts with ourselves, friends, our work, our family, our children, and our spouse. Afterwards we will focus on building proper boundaries and resolving conflicts in our marriage. Finally we will discuss how to avoid the misuse of boundaries and to develop healthy ones instead. i Contents 1 Introduction 1 I General Principles 8 2 What is a boundary? 9 2.1 Misunderstandings about Boundaries ............................ 9 2.2 Central Aspects ........................................ 9 2.3 Why are Boundaries important in Marriage? ........................ 13 2.4 What is within the Boundaries? ............................... 15 2.5 Examples of Boundaries ................................... 23 2.6 Common Boundary Myths .................................. 27 3 Boundary Problems 35 3.1 Compliance .......................................... 36 3.2 Avoidance ........................................... 38 3.3 Other-Control ......................................... 39 3.4 Unresponsiveness ....................................... 41 3.5 Functional and Relational Boundaries ............................ 42 3.6 How did we become that way? ................................ 43 4 Ten Laws of Boundaries 48 4.1 The Law of Sowing and Reaping ............................... 49 4.2 The Law of Responsibility .................................. 51 4.3 The Law of Power ....................................... 53 4.4 The Law of Respect ...................................... 55 4.5 The Law of Motivation .................................... 57 4.6 The Law of Evaluation .................................... 58 4.7 The Law of Proactivity .................................... 59 4.8 The Law of Envy ....................................... 60 4.9 The Law of Activity ..................................... 61 4.10 The Law of Exposure ..................................... 63 II Dealing with Boundary Conflicts 65 5 Setting Boundaries with Yourself 66 5.1 Boundary Problems with Ourselves ............................. 67 5.2 Why Can’t We Simply Say No? ............................... 71 5.3 How to Establish Boundaries With Ourselves? ....................... 74 5.4 Learning Self-Control in Marriage: Becoming more Lovable . 80 5.5 Setting Boundaries with Our Own Character ........................ 85 5.6 Limiting our Desire to Control ................................ 90 6 Boundaries and the Outside World [unfinished] 95 6.1 Work .............................................. 95 6.2 Friends ............................................. 95 6.3 Relatives ............................................ 95 6.4 Children ............................................ 95 ii III Building Boundaries in Marriage 96 7 It Takes Two to Make One 97 7.1 Oneness – Illusion or Reality? ................................ 97 7.2 Two Complete Individuals Wanted ............................. 98 7.3 Key Ingredients of Adulthood ................................102 7.4 Separateness ..........................................108 7.5 Respect for Freedom .....................................112 8 What You Value is What You Get 116 8.1 Happiness: The Worst Value Ever ..............................119 8.2 Value 1: Love of God .....................................121 8.3 Value 2: Love of Your Spouse ................................123 8.4 Value 3: Compassion and Forgiveness ............................128 8.5 Value 4: Honesty .......................................130 8.6 Value 5: Faithfulness .....................................133 8.7 Value 6: Holiness .......................................135 8.8 Epilogue ............................................136 IV Resolving Conflicts in Marriage 137 9 Protecting Marriage from Outside Intruders 138 9.1 The outside affects the relationship .............................138 9.2 When the outside is not an intruder .............................141 9.3 What promotes intruders? ..................................142 9.4 Dealing with specific intruders ................................148 10 Internal Conflicts 156 10.1 Sin of one spouse .......................................156 10.2 Immaturity or brokenness of one spouse . 159 10.3 Hurt feelings that are no one’s fault .............................163 10.4 Conflicting desires .......................................166 10.5 Individual desires versus the needs of the relationship . 171 10.6 Hidden Faults .........................................173 11 Resolving conflicts with your spouse 176 11.1 Boundary Lovers and Boundary Busters . 177 11.2 Resolving conflicts with a boundary-loving spouse . 181 11.3 Boundaries aren’t always welcome ..............................185 11.4 Causes for Boundary Resistance ...............................190 11.5 Resolving conflicts with a boundary-resistant spouse . 194 V Developing healthy Boundaries 206 12 Measuring Success with Boundaries 207 12.1 Anger – our early-warning signal when boundaries are violated . 207 12.2 A change of preferences – boundary lovers become more attractive . 208 12.3 Developing close connections to people with clear boundaries . 209 12.4 A change in our value system ................................209 12.5 Practicing boundaries in a safe environment . 210 iii 12.6 Welcoming guilty feelings as sign of growth . 210 12.7 Practicing boundaries with “difficult” people . 211 12.8 Guilty feelings disappear ...................................211 12.9 Desiring others to have boundaries as well . 212 12.10Free to say no instead of a half-hearted yes . 212 12.11Value-driven goal setting ...................................213 13 Avoiding the Misuse of Boundaries 215 13.1 Boundaries are not a quick escape from suffering or responsibility . 216 13.2 Boundaries are more than simple limits and ultimatums . 218 13.3 Understanding submission ..................................221 13.4 Why separation and divorce doesn’t solve conflicts . 223 iv 1 Introduction In the past year we have discussed the issue of leadership and submission in the family. We have looked in detail at the roles that God has given to husbands and wives in a marriage, at possible reasons why we fail to fulfill this God-given role, and ways to overcome these problems. Today, I want to begin a new series, which looks at marriage from a different per- spective and shall help us to deal with the practical problems that we have to face every day. Most of us come to Sunday School because we try to live our lives in the right way and hope to find some inspiration how to do that. We try to do a good job with our marriage, raise our children in the right way, be responsible and successful in our job, maintain or build relationships with family and friends, in all that be a witness for Christ, do a god job at church, and of course spend enough time with our Lord as well. Often we feel overwhelmed by the sheer number of duties we have. Many of us have the impression that we simply can’t do it. We just don’t seem to have enough time to do everything we have to do. We struggle with our finances, because we want a nice home for our family, a good education for our children, enable them to have a good life, and our income doesn’t seem to allow us to do that and still give our tithe to the Lord. In addition to that illnesses get into our way and make both our time and financial problems more difficult. And the people around us don’t make it easy for us – most of all the people we feel closest to. Life puts a lot of pressure on us and occasionally we get the feeling that everyday life is just beyond our control. And Christians struggle with this problem more often than the rest of the world, because they feel responsible for so many things and people around them and have a hard time saying “no”. As an illustration I would like to read a description of a typical day of a typical Christian mother who is just loaded with burdens. It’s a fairly long story but I would like you to listen closely and tell me later what you think the cause for all these problems were. 6:00 a.m.: The alarm jangled. Bleary-eyed from too little sleep, Sherrie shut off the noisy intruder, turned on the bedside lamp, and sat up in bed. “Why am I dreading this day? Lord, didn’t you promise me a life of joy?” Then, as the cobwebs left her mind, Sherrie remembered the reason for her dread: the four-o’clock meeting with Todd’s third-grade teacher. The phone call returned to her memory: “Sherry, this is Jean Russell. I wonder if we could meet about Todd’s performance and his . behavior.” Todd couldn’t keep still and listen to his teachers. He didn’t even listen to Sherrie and Walt. He was such a strong-willed child, and she didn’t want to quench his spirit. Wasn’t that more important? 1 “Well, no time to worry about that right now. I’ve got enough troubles to keep me busy all day.” Under
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