CYCLE OF NARCISSISTIC ABUSE IDEALIZE DEVALUE DISCARD IDEALIZE ZE IDE ALI AL E IZE ID ID ZE E DEVALUE LI A IDEALIZE A L E IZ E NARCISSIST’S AGENDA NARCISSIST: Experiences “narcissistic wound” when NARCISSIST’S AGENDA NARCISSIST: Grooms victim (and their family/friends) ID HONEYMOON victim responds to inappropriate/abusive behaviors; feels threatened, defensive, to cultivate sense of trust and commitment; engages victim’s empathy to accelerate I E ABUSER: Begins to groom and “love‑bomb” D betrayed, victimized; tries to re-gain power and control over victim; triangulates/ Z E bonding, loyalty, and attachment; feigns “love” while planting seeds of self- I A L victim Puts victim on pedestal Rushes L uses comparisons to other people (and/or flirtation, infidelity) to provoke doubt in victim to foster emotional dependency and secure power and control in A I E intimacy Compares victim favorably to ex Z insecurity within the victim and make them feel replaceable; attempts to D E relationship; “invests” in victim to instill sense of gratitude, obligation, “owing.” I partner(s) Flattery, excessive attention, intense sexual destabilize victim by causing them to doubt their reality and question their

I IMPACT ON SURVIVOR SURVIVOR: Feels special/chosen; feels intense D sanity; becomes bored and resentful; looks for new source of validation and E seduction Acts of perceived kindness, empathy, and

Z E

I love, trust, and sexual desire; experiences increased levels of dopamine A stimulation; seeks new relationship/“reflection of perfection”; begins to L generosity Grand gestures, gift-giving, elaborate dates,

L

A and serotonin; feels happy, hopeful, attached to narcissist; feels a sense of I “love-bomb” and groom new victim(s); uses victim’s increasing emotional

Z

E romantic vacations “Mirroring” to convey sameness and a E

“owing” narcissist for their “generosity”; minimizes/rationalizes inappropriate D

I distress to attract sympathy from others and to justify their abusive

strong bond “Future-faking,” early desire for commitment,

behaviors; gives “benefit of the doubt” to narcissist; wraps inappropriate

behaviors and betrayals.

I premature talk of marriage Over-protection and isolation D

behaviors in context and compassion; begins to defend and make excuses for E

E

Z

I

in the name of “love” Over-sharing details of traumatic A IMPACT ON SURVIVOR SURVIVOR: Devalued/punished for inconven­

narcissist to family and friends; begins to isolate, ignore personal boundaries, L L

A

I iencing the narcissist by trying to set boundaries, call out unacceptable

childhood and “crazy” ex partners Testing/crossing Z

and modify behavior to align with narcissist’s needs, preferences, and desires. E

E

D

I behavior, or for not being complacent /obedient; experiences decreased levels

victim’s boundaries Trying to draw victim back in

of dopamine and serotonin; experiences depression, anxiety, I

(aka “hoovering”) after inappropriate behaviors D E

E Z

I fear, self-doubt, confusion, memory problems, sleep

A

L through gaslighting, justifying, possible

L

A

I EVALUE disturbance; experiences “cognitive dissonance,”

Z D

DISCARD E DISCARD D

apologies, possible promises to E E

D D E V I

IS LU A

NARCISSIST’S AGENDA NARCISSIST: Acts defensively against pain RD CA A LU confusion, disconnection from intuition and R V E

A change and/or seek therapy.

D I E

C D

S E D sense of reality; begins to placate, “walk on

E

I Z

I

from “narcissistic wound”; projects their own shame and insecurities D A D

L D

L E

A E

I I Z

E S V eggshells,” and “go along to get along”

E U

D A

onto victim and escalates abusive behaviors; feels repelled by I

C L

D A L

I A

D

E U

R E

Z to avoid conflict escalation; blames

I R

A V L

L A I Z victim’s emotional response to abuse; “love-bombs”/grooms E E E D I A D E C D self for problems in relationship; new victim(s); feels re-energized from “high” of fresh new IS TENSION BUILDING D D D works harder to please narcissist E “narcissistic supply”; feels empowered, entitled, and in I E S V U C ABUSER: Begins to make subtle A and tries to re-gain their control; uses victim’s emotional response to abuse/ L D A L A R R U attention and love when new ABUSE ESCALATION V suggestions for change and “improvement” betrayal to “prove” to others that they are “crazy/“unwell” A D E E

C D of victim under the guise of “concern” victim(s) are triangulated in; and to justify the abuse, betrayal, and discard; solicits S I ABUSER: Displays cruelty, contempt, becomes hypervigilant to D Delivers criticism, degradations, insults, and name- D sympathy from others for “having to endure such a crazy D

E coercive force, rage (loud or silent) E I narcissist’s oscillating moods; S calling (sometimes under the guise of humor) V partner”; regains power and control over victim and the U

C A

Commits escalated act(s) of verbal, L

D A

L tries to predict narcissist’s

relationship narrative. A Begins to more overtly isolate victim and restrict/ U

R

R

V

emotional, financial, sexual, and/or physical E D

A needs to access affection/

E control victim’s resources and activities

C

IMPACT ON SURVIVOR SURVIVOR: Punished for D

S violence Commits significant betrayal(s) connection and avoid conflict;

I

Emotional withdrawal, silent treatment (aka

D

responding to abusive behaviors; tries to calm and D

D

Makes excuses, gaslights, and minimizes experiences feelings of fear,

E

E “stonewalling”) Nit-picking, gaslighting,

I

V

S

reason with narcissist; apologizes for emotional response U

A obligation, and guilt (aka FOG);

abuse/betrayal Invalidates victim’s C

L intimidation, threats, violation of victim’s L

A D

A

to abuse, assumes blame/responsibility, tries to “fix” U

R R begins to deny intuition and

emotional response and blames victim V

E

D E A boundaries Communication breaks down

relationship; tries to prove their “sanity” to narcissist and

C D

cling to the hope for change.

S for causing the abuse/betrayal

I Triangulation/“love-triangle” begins.

others; becomes emotionally distressed/“unhinged”; begins D D

D

E

Discards victim temporarily E V I

U

S

to anticipate abuse and modify behavior to avoid conflict and A AUTHORED BY L

C

L

or permanently. A

A D

U

V

R R the escalation of abuse; placates narcissist in attempt to return E TANYA GAUM, M.ED., M.A. &

E

D A

D

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to “honeymoon”/idealization stage of cycle; leaves narcissist or D BARBARA HERRING, M.A., LMFT

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E

D

E

V

D

U

A

L I

L S

A

is discarded by narcissist; submits to narcissist’s “hoovering” back U

C

V

E MARCH 2020

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R R

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D U A A L

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S into relationship for a myriad of complex and legitimate reasons until I

D D I

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C A D leaving permanently feels necessary, safe, and possible. R CREATIVE COMMONS: PERMISSION TO USE WITH ATTRIBUTION