Module 6.5

Social Red Flags

How to Notice, Navigate, & Avoid Unhealthy / Toxic People

“Don’t let unhealthy people sidetrack you from your healthy journey.”

Welcome to Module 6.5 Darlings!

I’ve created this workbook out of a sincere desire to equip you with the wisdom, insight, and ability to identify “Social Red Flags,” aka people and relationships that are unhealthy, toxic, or dangerous.

The themes discussed below are certainly “heavier” than usual, but they are SO important for you to be aware of. The thing is, yes, most people are “good/kind-hearted/doing their best” (as discussed in 6.4), but not all people ​ ​ are. There are people who - for a variety of reasons that I’ll discuss below - are ​ ​ NOT safe or healthy. And, sadly, oftentimes these people don’t even know that they are outliers, that they are a harm to themselves and/or others. They move through the world unconsciously damaging or devastating their own lives as well as the lives of those around them.

When we are unaware of thmost people are clueless that they have been sucked into someone’s toxic world.

This is what I want to help you to avoid by empowering you with the knowledge of what “Social Red Flags” are, and how to notice, navigate, and avoid them.

A “Social Red Flag” is a behavior demonstrated by someone else that indicates the possibility of an actual underlying pattern of disfunction or ​ ​ toxicity.

The more we know about Social Red Flags, the more easily we can spot them and save our precious time, energy, emotions, and well-being:)

Sounds pretty “Hell YES!” right?

Ok, let’s absorb some wisdom!

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9 Unhealthy / Toxic Relationship Behaviors, Dynamics, and Disorders aka

9 SOCIAL “RED FLAGS”

1. Unhealthy Relationships / Friendships 2. Emotional Abuse 3. “Gaslighting” 4. Codependency 5. Narcissism (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) ​ 6. “Crazy Making” 7. Passive-Aggressive Behavior 8. Personality Disorders 9. Borderline Personality Disorder

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#1. UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS/FRIENDSHIPS

An “unhealthy relationship” is a relationship where one or more of the people involved exhibit behaviors that are not healthy and are not founded in mutual respect for the other person.

Being able to identify healthy and unhealthy behaviors is key for being able to foster healthy relationships within your life...and it’s important to recognize the ​ ​ signs of an unhealthy relationship because such relationships have the potential to escalate to an abusive relationship.

How do we know when we are in an unhealthy relationship/friendship? There are several key indicators: ​

● Lack of communication ● Dishonesty ● Disrespect ● Dependence ● Jealousy ● Manipulation ● Criticism ● Isolation ● Constant fighting ● Controlling behavior

Unhealthy Relationships / Friendships - Resources

Article: Your Mini Guide: The BEST Ways To End Unhealthy ​ Relationships by http://www.womanatics.com ​ ​ ​ ​

Article: Toxic Relationships: Being aware of the effects of a ​ dysfunctional relationship by www.psychologytoday.com ​ ​ ​ ​

Article: 8 Signs of a Toxic Friendship by www.psychologytoday.com ​ ​ ​ ​

Video: 10 Differences Between Good Friends and Toxic Friends by Bright ​ ​ ​ Side 3

#2. EMOTIONAL ABUSE

“Emotional Abuse” - Medical Dictionary.com Definition: The debasement ​ ​ ​ ​ of a person's feelings that causes the individual to perceive himself or herself ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ as inept, not cared for, and worthless. ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​

Common Signs of Emotional Abuse:

Emotionally abusive people display unrealistic expectations. Some examples include: ● Making unreasonable demands of you ● Expecting you to put everything aside and meet their needs ● Demanding you spend all of your time together ● Being dissatisfied no matter how hard you try or how much you give ● Criticizing you for not completing tasks according to their standards ● Expecting you to share their opinions ● Demanding that you name exact dates and times when discussing things that upset you (when you cannot do this, they dismisses the event as if it never happened)

Emotionally abusive people invalidate you. Some examples include: ​ ● Undermining, dismissing, or distorting your perceptions or your reality ● Refusing to accept your feelings by trying to define how you should feel ● Requiring you to explain and explain and explain how you feel ● Accusing you of being "too sensitive," "too emotional," or "crazy" ● Refusing to acknowledge or accept your opinions or ideas as valid ● Dismissing your requests, wants, and needs as ridiculous or unmerited ● Suggesting that your perceptions are wrong or that you cannot be trusted by saying things like "you're blowing this out of proportion" or "you exaggerate" ● Accusing you of being selfish, needy or materialistic if you express your wants or needs (the expectation is that you should not have any wants or needs)

Emotionally abusive people create chaos. Some examples include: ● Starting arguments for the sake of arguing ● Making confusing and contradictory statements (sometimes called "crazy-making") 4

● Having drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts ● Nitpicking at your clothes, your hair, your work, and more ● Behaving so erratically and unpredictably that you feel like you are "walking on eggshells"

Emotionally abusive people use emotional blackmail. Some examples include: ● Manipulating and controlling you by making you feel guilty ● Humiliating you in public or in private ● Using your fears, values, compassion or other hot buttons to control you or the situation ● Exaggerating your flaws or pointing them out in order to deflect attention or to avoid taking responsibility for their poor choices or mistakes ● Denying that an event took place or lying about it ● Punishing you by withholding affection

Emotionally abusive people act superior and entitled. Some examples include: ● Treating you like you are inferior ● Blaming you for their mistakes and shortcomings ● Doubting everything you say and attempting to prove you wrong ● Making jokes at your expense ● Telling you that your opinions, ideas, values and thoughts are stupid, illogical or "do not make sense" ● Talking down to you or being condescending ● Using sarcasm when interacting with you ● Acting like they are always right, knows what is best and is smarter

Emotionally abusive people attempt to isolate and control you. Some examples include: ● Controlling who you see or spend time with including time with friends and family ● Monitoring your phone calls, text messages, social media, and email ● Accusing you of cheating and being jealous of outside relationships ● Taking or hiding your car keys ● Demanding to know where you are at all times or using GPS to track your every move ● Treating you like a possession or property 5

● Criticizing or making fun of your friends, family, and coworkers. ● Using jealousy and envy as a sign of love and to keep you from being with others ● Coercing you into spending all of your time together ● Controlling the finances

Emotional Abuse - Resources

● Article: “61 Devastating Signs of Emotional Abuse” by ​ ​ ​ www.liveboldandbloom.com

● Article: “How to Identify and Cope with Emotional Abuse” by ​ ​ ​ www.verywellmind.com

● Article: “When is it Emotional Abuse” by www.psychologytoday.com ​ ​ ​ ​

● Youtube Video: “What is Emotional Abuse: The Top Emotional ​ Abuse Warning Signs” by Julia Kristina MFT ​ ○ Note: always feel free to watch Youtube videos in ‘real time’ speed if the pace of the speaker works for you, or speed it up a bit for faster digestion via ‘settings’ (1.25x)

#3. “GASLIGHTING”

“Gaslighting” - Dictionary.com Definition: “Gaslight” or “Gaslighted” or ​ “Gaslighting”: to cause (a person) to doubt his or her sanity through the use ​ of psychological manipulation. Origin: in reference to the 1944 movie Gaslight, in which an ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ abusive husband secretly and repeatedly dims and brightens the gaslights in the house while ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ accusing his wife of imagining the flickering. ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​

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Common Signs of Gaslighting

Why does gaslighting work? There are more than a few reasons: ● Gaslighting exploits any existing self-doubt about one’s capabilities as

well as any past traumas that may cause the victim to feel too “damaged” to see reality clearly. ● Gaslighting exhausts a victim’s internal resources so they are unable to self-validate and eventually give into a sense of learned helplessness. ● Gaslighting depletes individuals of a stable sense of self-worth and certainty about how they interpret the world. ● Gaslighting manufactures insecurities and fears that never existed, causing the victim to focus on his/her perceived flaws rather than the abuser’s transgressions. ● Gaslighting causes the survivor to investigate whether he or she has done something wrong, instead of looking at the perpetrator’s behavior as the cause of concern. ● Gaslighting sets up survivors to fail no matter what they do; abusers will demonstrate disapproval regardless of how hard the survivor tries to please the abuser. Whether victims stay silent and compliant or aggressive and assertive, they will be punished. By moving the goalposts, the perpetrator is able to shift their expectations and their claims at the drop of a hat. ● Gaslighting diverts from, denies, rationalizes and minimizes horrific acts of psychological and physical violence. ● Gaslighting creates a dangerous form of retaliation for victims speaking out, because each time they do, they are met with a psychological or even physical assault that causes them to feel increasingly diminished.

“Gaslighting” - Resources

● Article: What is “Gaslighting” - www.thoughtcatalog.com ​ ​

● Youtube Video: “What is Gaslighting? 9 Signs That This Kind of ​ Manipulation is Happening to YOU” - by Julia Kristina MFT ​ ​ ​

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#4. “CODEPENDENCY”

“Codependency” - Positive Psychology Program Definition: The main ​ consequence of codependency is that codependents, are busy taking care of others, forget to take care of themselves, resulting in a disturbance of identity development. Modern understandings of codependency now refer to “a specific relationship addiction characterized by preoccupation and extreme dependence—emotional, social and sometimes physical—on another person”.

Common Signs of Codependency:

● Low self-esteem ● Low levels of narcissism ● Familial dysfunction ● Depression ● Anxiety ● Stress ● Low emotional expressivity ● Having a hard time saying no ● Having poor boundaries ● Emotional reactivity ● Always feeling compelled to take care of people ● A need for control, especially over others ● Trouble communicating honestly ● Fixating on mistakes ● A need to be liked by everyone ● A need to always be in a relationship ● Denying one’s own needs, thoughts, and feelings ● Intimacy issues ● Confusing love and pity ● Fear of abandonment

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“Codependency” - Resources

● I HIGHLY recommend the following podcast and book by Ross ​ ​ Rosenberg:

○ Podcast: "Spoon of Consciousness Podcast: Avoiding a ​ Narcissist" (episode 84)

○ Book: "The Human Magnet Syndrome: Emotional ​ Manipulators, Codependents, & Dysfunctional Relationships" by Ross Rosenberg

● “Codependency: What are the Signs and How to Overcome It” - by ​ ​ www.positivepsychologyprogram.com

● “Codependency” - Wiki Article ​

● “Do You Have a Codependent Personality?” - ​ ​ www.everydayhealth.com article ​

● And from the “Godmother of Codependency Literature” (my label:) Melody Beattie:

○ “Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself” (Her seminal book that has changed ​ millions of lives, including my own).

○ “Characteristics of Codependent People” article excerpted from ​ ​ “Codependent No More…”

● International “Coda” Support Groups: www.coda.org ○ “Welcome to Co-Dependents Anonymous, a fellowship of men and women whose common purpose is to develop healthy ○ relationships. The only requirement for membership is a desire for healthy and loving relationships.” ○ In my experience, CODA groups are a safe place to discuss, be ​ supported, better understand, and become empowered with regard to relationships, especially helpful for toxic relationships. 9

#5. Narcissism/ Narcissistic Personality Disorder

“Narcissistic Personality Disorder” - Mayo Clinic Definition: Narcissistic ​ ​ personality disorder — one of several types of personality disorders — is a ​ ​ ​ mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.

Common Signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Narcissists often: ● Have an exaggerated sense of self-importance. ● Have a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration. ● Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it. ● Exaggerate achievements and talents. ● Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate. ● Believe they are superior and can only associate with equally special people. ● Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior. ● Expect special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations. ● Take advantage of others to get what they want. ● Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others. ● Be envious of others and believe others envy them. ● Behave in an arrogant or haughty manner, coming across as conceited, boastful and pretentious. ● Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder - Resources

● Article: “Narcissistic Personality Disorder” - Mayo Clinic Definition: ​ ○ Narcissistic personality disorder — one of several types of ​ personality disorders — is a mental condition in which people ​ 10

have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.

● Article: “Narcissistic Personality Disorder” - Wiki Article ​

○ Note: After much research, I have actually found this article to be not only comprehensive, but deeply explanatory and clear

● Article: “Narcissistic Personality Disorder” - www.helpguide.org ​ ​ ​

● Youtube Video: “Dealing with a Narcissist” - by JP Spears ​ ​ ​ ○ Note: This is one of his actual coaching videos, not one of his “JP Sears’ Ultra Spiritual” satirical videos. This video has quite a bit of “stretchy” ideas!

#6. PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR

“Passive-Aggressive Behavior” - Medical Dictionary Definition: Being, ​ marked by, or displaying behavior characterized by expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive way (as through procrastination, stubbornness, and unwillingness to communicate)

“Passive-Aggressive Behavior” - Psychology Today Definition (Article: “5 Signs That You’re Dealing with a Passive Aggressive Person”) Passive-Aggressiveness, as the word indicates, is a tendency to engage in ​ ​ ​ indirect expression of hostility through acts such as subtle insults, sullen behavior, stubbornness, or a deliberate failure to accomplish required tasks. ​

Common Signs of Passive-Aggressive Behavior:

● The silent treatment. ● Subtle insults. ● Sullen behavior. ● Stubbornness. ● Failure to finish required tasks.

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Passive Aggressive Behavior - Resources

● Article: “What is Passive Aggressive Behavior?” - www.verywellmind.com ​ ​ ​

● Article: “What is Passive Aggressive Behavior?” - ​ ​ ​ www.counselling-directory.org.uk

● Youtube Video: “How to Handle Passive Aggressive Behavior” by ​ ​ ​ Stephanie Lyn, Life Coach

● Youtube Video: “Passive Aggressive” - by Lucille Zimmerman, Life Coach ​ ​ ​

● Funny (yet illustrative) Youtube Video: “Passive Aggressive Relationship ​ ​ Techniques” - JP Sears “Ultra Spiritual Life ep. 57 ​

#7. “CRAZY MAKING”

“Crazy Making” - www.yourdictionary.com definition - A form of ​ psychological attack on somebody by offering contradictory alternatives and ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ criticizing the person for choosing either. ​

Common Signs of Crazy Making in Relationships

● When your partner convinces you that something happened when it didn’t (or vice versa). ● Passive-aggressive behaviour. ● Everything is somehow your fault. ● Projection. ● Non-verbal body language sends a dismissive message. ● Making you doubt your perceptions. ● Hypocritical behaviour. ● It’s all about control. ● Subtle brainwashing. ● Setting you up to fail.

“Crazy Making” - Resources

● 10 Examples of “Crazy Making” in Relationships - by ​ www.lifehack.org

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Now let’s move on to some of the more serious aspects of toxic behavior…

#8. PERSONALITY DISORDERS

“Personality Disorders” - www.psychiatry.org definition ○ A personality disorder is a way of thinking, feeling and behaving that deviates from the expectations of the culture, causes distress or problems functioning, and lasts over time.

○ There are 10 specific types of personality disorders (such as borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder).

○ Common to all personality disorders is a long-term pattern of behavior and inner experience that differs significantly from what is expected. The pattern of experience and behavior begins by late adolescence or early adulthood, and causes distress or problems in functioning. Without treatment, the behavior and experience is inflexible and usually long-lasting. The pattern is seen in at least two of these areas: ○ Way of thinking about oneself and others ○ Way of responding emotionally ○ Way of relating to other people ○ Way of controlling one’s behavior

Common Signs of Personality Disorders

● Markedly disharmonious attitudes and behavior, generally involving several areas of functioning; e.g. affectivity, arousal, impulse control, ways of perceiving and thinking, and style of relating to others;

● The abnormal behavior pattern is enduring, of long standing, and not limited to episodes of mental illness; ● The abnormal behavior pattern is pervasive and clearly maladaptive to a broad range of personal and social situations; ● The above manifestations always appear during childhood or adolescence and continue into adulthood;

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● The disorder leads to considerable personal distress but this may only become apparent late in its course; ● The disorder is usually, but not invariably, associated with significant problems in occupational and social performance.

Personality Disorders - Resources

● “Personality Disorder” - Wiki Article ​

● Youtube Video: “Personality Disorders” - by Lucille Zimmerman, Life ​ ​ ​ ​ Coach

#9. BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER

“Borderline Personality Disorder” - National Institute of Mental Health Definition: ● Borderline personality disorder is a mental illness marked by an ongoing pattern of varying moods, self-image, and behavior. These symptoms often result in impulsive actions and problems in relationships. People with borderline personality disorder may experience intense episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety that can last from a few hours to days.

● People with borderline personality disorder may experience mood swings and display uncertainty about how they see themselves and their role in the world. As a result, their interests and values can change quickly.

● People with borderline personality disorder also tend to view things in extremes, such as all good or all bad. Their opinions of other people can also change quickly. An individual who is seen as a friend one day may be considered an enemy or traitor the next. These shifting feelings can lead to intense and unstable relationships.

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Common Signs of Borderline Personality Disorder

● Efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, such as rapidly initiating intimate (physical or emotional) relationships or cutting off communication with someone in anticipation of being abandoned ● A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation) ● Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self ● Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating. Please note: If these behaviors occur primarily during a period of elevated mood or energy, they may be signs of a mood disorder—not borderline personality disorder ● Self-harming behavior, such as cutting ● Recurring thoughts of suicidal behaviors or threats ● Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days ● Chronic feelings of emptiness ● Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger ● Difficulty trusting, which is sometimes accompanied by irrational fear of other people’s intentions ● Feelings of dissociation, such as feeling cut off from oneself, seeing oneself from outside one’s body, or feelings of unreality

Borderline Personality Disorder - Resources

● Article: “Borderline Personality Disorder: A Guide to Spotting the Signs ​ of BPD” by psycom.net ​ ​

● Article: Borderline Personality Disorder: Signs and Symptoms - Wiki ​ ArticleNote: After much research, I have actually found this Wiki article to be not only ​ comprehensive, but deeply explanatory and clear.

● Article: Relationships and Borderline Personality Disorder - by ​ ​ ​ www.borderline-personality-disorder.com/relationships/

● Article: The Price of Loving Someone with Borderline Personality ​ Disorder - by www.psychologytoday.com ​ ​ ​

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● Article: Signs You Might be Dating Someone with Borderline ​ Personality Disorder - by www.borderlinepersonalitytreatment.com ​ ​ ​

● Blogs*: ○ “Clearing the Fallout from a Borderline Breakup” by Shari ​ ​ Shrieber ○ “Breaking Up with a Borderline” Shari Shrieber ​ ​ *Note: whereas the previous articles are scientifically and journalistically oriented, these blog posts were written by a fellow human sharing their thoughts. I don’t officialy endorse their personal viewpoints from my professional standpoint, but what this person shares here is in line with the literature about BPD, and is similar in ways to what I have experienced in my relationship(s) with people with BPD, and is similar in ways to what others in my life who have been in PBD relationships have shared with me.

“NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER” (See above in workbook)

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SOCIAL RED FLAGS: THE END!

OK Darlings, I sincerely hope that this workbook has equipped you with everything you need to notice, navigate, and avoid unhealthy, toxic people!

If you ever find yourself in a situation where you are unsure, feel unsafe, or

realize that you may be dealing with someone who demonstrates any of these behaviors, please contact someone that you trust to talk to, or me, or in an emergency always call 911.

Here’s to steering clear of “Hell NO!” personalities, and steering toward “Hell YES!” relationships!

“We can trust ourselves to know when our boundaries are being violated.”

~ Melody Beattie 17