Module 6.5 Social Red Flags How to Notice, Navigate, & Avoid Unhealthy / Toxic People “Don’t let unhealthy people sidetrack you from your healthy journey.” Welcome to Module 6.5 Darlings! I’ve created this workbook out of a sincere desire to equip you with the wisdom, insight, and ability to identify “Social Red Flags,” aka people and relationships that are unhealthy, toxic, or dangerous. The themes discussed below are certainly “heavier” than usual, but they are SO important for you to be aware of. The thing is, yes, most people are “good/kind-hearted/doing their best” (as discussed in 6.4), but not all people ​ ​ are. There are people who - for a variety of reasons that I’ll discuss below - are ​ ​ NOT safe or healthy. And, sadly, oftentimes these people don’t even know that they are outliers, that they are a harm to themselves and/or others. They move through the world unconsciously damaging or devastating their own lives as well as the lives of those around them. When we are unaware of thmost people are clueless that they have been sucked into someone’s toxic world. This is what I want to help you to avoid by empowering you with the knowledge of what “Social Red Flags” are, and how to notice, navigate, and avoid them. A “Social Red Flag” is a behavior demonstrated by someone else that indicates the possibility of an actual underlying pattern of disfunction or ​ ​ toxicity. The more we know about Social Red Flags, the more easily we can spot them and save our precious time, energy, emotions, and well-being:) Sounds pretty “Hell YES!” right? Ok, let’s absorb some wisdom! 1 9 Unhealthy / Toxic Relationship Behaviors, Dynamics, and Disorders aka 9 SOCIAL “RED FLAGS” 1. Unhealthy Relationships / Friendships 2. Emotional Abuse 3. “Gaslighting” 4. Codependency 5. Narcissism (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) ​ 6. “Crazy Making” 7. Passive-Aggressive Behavior 8. Personality Disorders 9. Borderline Personality Disorder 2 #1. UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS/FRIENDSHIPS An “unhealthy relationship” is a relationship where one or more of the people involved exhibit behaviors that are not healthy and are not founded in mutual respect for the other person. Being able to identify healthy and unhealthy behaviors is key for being able to foster healthy relationships within your life...and it’s important to recognize the ​ ​ signs of an unhealthy relationship because such relationships have the potential to escalate to an abusive relationship. How do we know when we are in an unhealthy relationship/friendship? There are several key indicators: ​ ● Lack of communication ● Dishonesty ● Disrespect ● Dependence ● Jealousy ● Manipulation ● Criticism ● Isolation ● Constant fighting ● Controlling behavior Unhealthy Relationships / Friendships - Resources Article: Your Mini Guide: The BEST Ways To End Unhealthy ​ Relationships by http://www.womanatics.com ​ ​ ​ ​ Article: Toxic Relationships: Being aware of the effects of a ​ dysfunctional relationship by www.psychologytoday.com ​ ​ ​ ​ Article: 8 Signs of a Toxic Friendship by www.psychologytoday.com ​ ​ ​ ​ Video: 10 Differences Between Good Friends and Toxic Friends by Bright ​ ​ ​ Side 3 #2. EMOTIONAL ABUSE “Emotional Abuse” - Medical Dictionary.com Definition: The debasement ​ ​ ​ ​ of a person's feelings that causes the individual to perceive himself or herself ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ as inept, not cared for, and worthless. ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ Common Signs of Emotional Abuse: Emotionally abusive people display unrealistic expectations. Some examples include: ● Making unreasonable demands of you ● Expecting you to put everything aside and meet their needs ● Demanding you spend all of your time together ● Being dissatisfied no matter how hard you try or how much you give ● Criticizing you for not completing tasks according to their standards ● Expecting you to share their opinions ● Demanding that you name exact dates and times when discussing things that upset you (when you cannot do this, they dismisses the event as if it never happened) Emotionally abusive people invalidate you. Some examples include: ​ ● Undermining, dismissing, or distorting your perceptions or your reality ● Refusing to accept your feelings by trying to define how you should feel ● Requiring you to explain and explain and explain how you feel ● Accusing you of being "too sensitive," "too emotional," or "crazy" ● Refusing to acknowledge or accept your opinions or ideas as valid ● Dismissing your requests, wants, and needs as ridiculous or unmerited ● Suggesting that your perceptions are wrong or that you cannot be trusted by saying things like "you're blowing this out of proportion" or "you exaggerate" ● Accusing you of being selfish, needy or materialistic if you express your wants or needs (the expectation is that you should not have any wants or needs) Emotionally abusive people create chaos. Some examples include: ● Starting arguments for the sake of arguing ● Making confusing and contradictory statements (sometimes called "crazy-making") 4 ● Having drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts ● Nitpicking at your clothes, your hair, your work, and more ● Behaving so erratically and unpredictably that you feel like you are "walking on eggshells" Emotionally abusive people use emotional blackmail. Some examples include: ● Manipulating and controlling you by making you feel guilty ● Humiliating you in public or in private ● Using your fears, values, compassion or other hot buttons to control you or the situation ● Exaggerating your flaws or pointing them out in order to deflect attention or to avoid taking responsibility for their poor choices or mistakes ● Denying that an event took place or lying about it ● Punishing you by withholding affection Emotionally abusive people act superior and entitled. Some examples include: ● Treating you like you are inferior ● Blaming you for their mistakes and shortcomings ● Doubting everything you say and attempting to prove you wrong ● Making jokes at your expense ● Telling you that your opinions, ideas, values and thoughts are stupid, illogical or "do not make sense" ● Talking down to you or being condescending ● Using sarcasm when interacting with you ● Acting like they are always right, knows what is best and is smarter Emotionally abusive people attempt to isolate and control you. Some examples include: ● Controlling who you see or spend time with including time with friends and family ● Monitoring your phone calls, text messages, social media, and email ● Accusing you of cheating and being jealous of outside relationships ● Taking or hiding your car keys ● Demanding to know where you are at all times or using GPS to track your every move ● Treating you like a possession or property 5 ● Criticizing or making fun of your friends, family, and coworkers. ● Using jealousy and envy as a sign of love and to keep you from being with others ● Coercing you into spending all of your time together ● Controlling the finances Emotional Abuse - Resources ● Article: “61 Devastating Signs of Emotional Abuse” by ​ ​ ​ www.liveboldandbloom.com ● Article: “How to Identify and Cope with Emotional Abuse” by ​ ​ ​ www.verywellmind.com ● Article: “When is it Emotional Abuse” by www.psychologytoday.com ​ ​ ​ ​ ● Youtube Video: “What is Emotional Abuse: The Top Emotional ​ Abuse Warning Signs” by Julia Kristina MFT ​ ○ Note: always feel free to watch Youtube videos in ‘real time’ speed if the pace of the speaker works for you, or speed it up a bit for faster digestion via ‘settings’ (1.25x) #3. “GASLIGHTING” “Gaslighting” - Dictionary.com Definition: “Gaslight” or “Gaslighted” or ​ “Gaslighting”: to cause (a person) to doubt his or her sanity through the use ​ of psychological manipulation. Origin: in reference to the 1944 movie Gaslight, in which an ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ abusive husband secretly and repeatedly dims and brightens the gaslights in the house while ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ accusing his wife of imagining the flickering. ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ 6 Common Signs of Gaslighting Why does gaslighting work? There are more than a few reasons: ● Gaslighting exploits any existing self-doubt about one’s capabilities as well as any past traumas that may cause the victim to feel too “damaged” to see reality clearly. ● Gaslighting exhausts a victim’s internal resources so they are unable to self-validate and eventually give into a sense of learned helplessness. ● Gaslighting depletes individuals of a stable sense of self-worth and certainty about how they interpret the world. ● Gaslighting manufactures insecurities and fears that never existed, causing the victim to focus on his/her perceived flaws rather than the abuser’s transgressions. ● Gaslighting causes the survivor to investigate whether he or she has done something wrong, instead of looking at the perpetrator’s behavior as the cause of concern. ● Gaslighting sets up survivors to fail no matter what they do; abusers will demonstrate disapproval regardless of how hard the survivor tries to please the abuser. Whether victims stay silent and compliant or aggressive and assertive, they will be punished. By moving the goalposts, the perpetrator is able to shift their expectations and their claims at the drop of a hat. ● Gaslighting diverts from, denies, rationalizes and minimizes horrific acts of psychological and physical violence. ● Gaslighting creates a dangerous form of retaliation for victims speaking out, because each time they do, they are met with a psychological or even physical assault that causes them to feel increasingly