How To Address Passive-Aggressive Behavior in the Library Workplace

PCI Webinars Key Idea

Stop Engaging, and Stop

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 2 It’s Bully Behavior

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 3 It’s Bully Behavior

Consciously or unconsciously attempting to intimidate instead of asking for what you want, with respect, meaning treating others with courtesy, as equals.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 4 Outcomes

• Ensure goals, priorities, checkpoints, and deadlines are set to combat procrastination. • “Call the game” when co-workers try “cold silence” tactics or “hit-and-run” attacks. • Disengage from the effects of micro- and other passive, manipulative behaviors.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 5 Agenda

• What’s Passive-Aggressive Behavior? • Where Does It Thrive? • Cleaning House: Building Accountability • Cleaning House: Managing Rumors • Cleaning House: Calling the Game • Typical Mistakes • Resources

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 6 Caveat

Everyone has off days.

Refrain from labeling every instance of silence or missed deadlines as “passive-aggressive”.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 7 Caveat

Assume positive intentions:

You may never know Why someone is doing something. Instead, focus on behavior: The What.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 8 A Different Frame

What if how a person behaves is in part because of how they were treated?

Feeling helpless, ignored, lied to, bullied outsider, “token”, forgotten, overruled, no input, phony input, cancelled projects, put downs, ridiculed, repeated flip-flops, constant stream of , sarcasm

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 9 It’s Because They...

• Were told not to comment • Didn’t think it was their place to speak • Were indifferent to outcome of meeting • Slow thinker and talker; felt overwhelmed • Didn’t know what to say or how they felt • Came from different work culture • Didn’t know they could ask

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 10 Agenda

What’s Passive-Aggressive Behavior?

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 11 Silent Treatment

• Appears to be upset, but does not use words to negotiate or resolve the situation • Appears to signal displeasure via nonverbal messages • Responds with versions of “Nothing is wrong” or “Everything is fine” when asked • But something is wrong. Everything is not fine.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 12 Silent Treatment

• Not responding verbally to greetings or questions • Not initiating conversations • Responding monosyllabically, aka grunts • Sighing, rolled eyes, shrugged shoulders • Slammed doors and drawers • Snatching papers and rushing away • Behaving in ways that a reasonable, objective observer might view as “feeling offended”.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 13 Pouting

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 14 Meetings

• Whispered side comments in meetings, but denying they said anything when asked. • Silent during meetings, but complaining to people afterwards. • Busy hands while people are talking: filling out forms, scribbling, working on their devices, otherwise appearing to be disengaged or disinterested.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 15 Slacking Off

• Not volunteering or stepping up: walking over the trash, or not speaking to the child or elderly person sitting alone. • Agreeing to project parameters– deadlines, budgets, levels of quality and completion– but not getting the work done... and not telling you there’s a problem.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 16 Hit and Run

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 17 Delays

• ”I didn’t get the email.” • “Why are we here? No one told me.” • “I have not reviewed the budget.” • ”I have some concerns” 5 minutes before four-hour meeting ends. • “I don’t understand the changes.”

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 18 Agenda

Where Does It Thrive?

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 19 Caveat

Passive-aggressive behavior thrives in library workplaces where supervisors, managers, and leaders are conflict-avoidant.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 20 Culture

People are not held accountable for:

• Missing deadlines/not following through • Quality slippage, meaning lots of mistakes • Showing up late for shifts • Rude behavior with co-workers and visitors • Last-minute cancellations • Pushing their work onto other people

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 21 Walking on Eggshells

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 22 Conflict Avoidant

• Hinting something is wrong, meaning... Expecting people to read your mind • Responding with nonverbals: Serious -y face, meaning... Your version of passive-aggressive • Hoping situation goes away on its own • Abandonment: Ignoring complaints • Undermining attempts to address issue

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 23 Agenda

Cleaning House: Building Accountability

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 24 Foundations

• Clearly written, specific job descriptions • Supervisors who practice consistent positive and course corrections • Projects with work orders: Who’s in charge? What’s the goal? What’s the deadline?

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 25 Random Audits

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 26 Checkpoints

• Create a timeline: Once a week check-in minimum • What’s the physical evidence of the progress of the task or project? • If by numbers, is the document how people are evaluated? • Are checkpoints scheduled as site visits?

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 27 Good at Looking Busy

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 28 Agenda

Cleaning House: Managing Rumors

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 29 Rumors and

• Undermine trust and respect towards co-workers and administrators • Create a ”shadow government” of bullies who wield illegitimate power • Damage reputations and ruins careers • Infect library stakeholders with falsehoods • Undermine support for the library

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 30 Disengage

Responding to gossip and rumor

“How do you know that’s true? “Let’s check it out!” “Let’s research the problem!” “Let’s talk to the administration.” “This is none of my business.”

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 31 Agenda

Cleaning House: Calling the Game

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 32 Calling the Game

Take all words literally, but only address behavior. Stick to physical descriptions. Ignore nonverbal clues except to clarify the message you think you are receiving.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 33 Call the Game

Are you upset with me, Pat? No, everything is fine. Thank you, I trust you are telling me the truth. I also trust you will tell me if anything is wrong.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 34 Agenda

Typical Mistakes

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 35 Typical Mistakes

• Reacting emotionally instead of pausing and thinking before responding • Not holding everyone accountable in a timely fashion when work isn’t completed in a satisfactory fashion. • Not making everyday civility something that is evaluated formally. • Demonizing and people

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 36 Resources

• Anything by R. Fisher & Wm. Ury • Discipline w/o . D. Grote • Don’t Shoot the Dog. Karen Pryor • Anything by Martin Seligman • Anything by Virginia Satir

Passive-Aggressive Behavior 37