THINGS No One Ever Tells You

If you really want to get in By Jim Aylward touch with me, maybe first you should contact a magic cow. It happens every so often. Someone tries to contact During a rock concert in this department of LEAD- Kristiansand, Norway, a young ERS Magazine and discov- couple climbed on stage, tore ers I’m not in the office in off their clothes, and showed New York. I’m not even in the audience what sex is really New Jersey. I’m in an all about. They said they were undisclosed location for my doing it to save the rainforest. own protection. If it’s good I think it’s best you don’t enough for Washington, it’s know their plans to prevent just fine with me. global warming. Actually, it’s nice here. The office has old photos of Those who apply for a driver’s me, heavily retouched. One license in Turkmenistan now A 43-year-old woman in is so retouched, I don’t have to pass a 16-hour test Essen, Germany, got angry A woman competing in the have a nose. There is a demonstrating their knowl- with her husband during an Miss Norway beauty contest typewriter, however. That’s edge of the “sacred” writings argument. She decided to was confronted with evidence right. A typewriter. Well, it of President Saparmurat march out into the street that she had appeared in puts letters together, grad- Niyazov. The new decree, said with her hammer and porno films in the United uating into real words, so the state news agency, will “en- smash his blue car into bits. States. She said it was not her it’s practical and inexpen- sure that further drivers are She did that to the fault. It was her twin sister. sive. No frills. There is a educated in the spirit of high windshield, headlights, “That damn Elsa! She just bed with a lot of pillows on moral values.” and outside mirrors before won’t quit!” it, and an old cat who “Amen to that! And move realizing it was the next- seems to think it belongs to that hunk of junk outta my door neighbor’s blue car. Some three dozen destitute him. “Move over,” I say, way!” refugees fled their North and he does. He knows Actor Denzel Washington was African country for a better where the cod, sole, and A woman won the Husband out with friends when a home- life, crossing the Strait of shrimp come from. Calling Contest at a county fair less man asked him for some Gibraltar on a raft heading for And there is a never- in Aberdeen, South Dakota, by money. Denzel gave him a Europe. They washed up on a ending supply of Things No ripping off her blouse and $100 bill. nudist beach in southern One Ever Tells You – odd, singing “Baby, My Sweet The man was so touched Spain. often weird information Baby.” he grabbed a passerby and “I told you there was a other publications just Last year’s champ, Krysti said, “Will Smith just gave me better life! Now do you won’t touch. This time Mikkonen, says she won her 100 bucks!” believe?” around I can offer you the contest by just cracking open a lick of a magic cow. (The beer and saying, “Dinner’s A Minneapolis firefighter was Topeka, Kansas, officials Wall Street Journal ready!” fired for taking too many sick wanted a new slogan for their wouldn’t even put it on days. He fought for a year and city, and so invited the public page 16.) There is the bar Women in Japan can snuggle a half to get his job back, and to submit ideas to the local that was converted into an up to the “Boyfriend Pillow.” finally was reinstated with 18 newspaper. Among the sug- alcohol treatment center. The 39-pound sleeping partner months back pay. gestions: “Topeka, it’s not as (The New York Times comes with two dress shirts to On the day he was to bad as you think!”; “City of mo- passed on that one.) And, iron. One model acts as an return to work, he called in sick. rons”; and “Topeka, you won’t among many others, alarm clock. Ananova.com says get a lot of unwanted relatives skunks who stamp their the man-replacing pillow is so Rich? Then you automatically visiting you.” feet and monkeys with popular now, the maker has drive faster than everybody noses covering their chins. had to start a waiting list for else. A new study by the An elderly American tourist got (Even National Geographic new customers. National Highway Traffic Safety lost in a Bavarian forest be- wasn’t interested.) “My Boyfriend Pillow is Administration finds nearly 60 cause he was using a travel Yes, this may be the perfect. He doesn’t get fat. He percent of the wealthy admit guide that had been printed in only magazine column doesn’t get antsy or de- they most always drive 10 1914. around today without a pressed. And he never minds miles over the speed limit. “You mean all that stuff Web site for contact. There when I punch the stuffing out Rich and fast, baby! Rich about where the kaiser lives is no www.jimaylward.com. of him.” and fast! doesn’t apply?”

VOLUME 28, NUMBER 1 POSTED WITH PERMISSION. COPYRIGHT © LEADERS MAGAZINE, INC. LEADERS 209 The South Seven Bar in Omaha, Nebraska, is being converted into an alcohol treatment center. “You know sumpthin’? This place seems just like déjà vu.”

Most worms have no legs, but some worms actually have five pairs of legs. “Willard is exceptional, Mother, but remember, he’s still a worm!”

A Russian man, headed into the Crimean region of Ukraine, was stopped by border guards Sick people in a small vil- who found a lot of vodka in Cops who patrol seaside re- lage in northern Cambodia Germans are now allowed to the trunk of his car. He said it sorts in Romania say they’re are being licked by a magic stick their tongues out in their was just for his personal use sickened by the sight of old cow and cured of their ail- passport photos. If they want while he was on vacation. His women going topless on the ments. The cow’s owner to. A 30-year-old man from vacation was four days, and beaches. They want a ban on charges 500 riel for four Arnsberg brought about the he had 63 quarts of clear women over 60 stripping in licks, and he says, “The court ruling when he appealed stuff. public. cow won’t lick people a local decision to refuse him The Vlad knows how “I’m 59, honey, and I’ve who don’t put in their a passport because he had his to vacation! only got another year to do money.” tongue sticking out. The court this!” That’s one very said there was nothing pro- A 29-year-old Indiana man smart cow. hibiting him from doing came home from work early Skunks don’t always spray that. one day to find his wife in bed their victims. When they feel Thanks to “title creep,” the “Well, it was a warm day. with some other guy. Divorce they’re in danger, at first they federal bureaucracy in the And I was panting?” proceedings followed, in growl. If that doesn’t work, United States has created 47 which the wife got the home then they stamp their feet. executive titles in recent An employee of the Alabama and most of the money in- Then, as a last resort, they go decades, including deputy as- Department of Transportation volved. Two days after the di- for the spray. sociate secretary, deputy assis- installed “spyware” on his su- vorce was final, the man won “Okay! Okay! Stop stamp- tant assistant secretary, and pervisor’s computer and $1 million in the Indiana State ing your feet! You’ve made principal deputy deputy assis- proved that he spent 10 per- Lottery. your point!” tant secretary. cent of his time working, 20 “Bonnie? Yeah. What do Longer titles. Less out- percent checking his stocks, you want now?” A chain of restaurants in sourcing. It works. Sort of. and 70 percent playing soli- Guizhou province, China, has taire. The employee was fired. A team of researchers been doing box-office business A woman in Taman Molek, The boss, however, is still working at the Primate serving homemade soups and Malaysia, was walking to a there. Research Institute of stews. Customers can’t get rally to protest the epidemic Lesson learned. Kyoto University, Japan, enough of them. One of the of purse snatching there, has found that chimps secret ingredients officials dis- when someone snatched In Independence, Missouri, who were shown videos covered was opium. her purse. they had a very special wed- of other chimps yawning “It’s just a hint of some- “See? That’s what I’m ding recently. would yawn in response. thing. Bay leaf?” talking about!” Katie Boring married Just like the team Nathan Bland. in Promotion and The proboscis monkey has an A Texas couple photographed Development.• unusually long nose. It’s so themselves in the nude and long that it droops down over then took the film to a local the animal’s chin. store to have the pictures de- “Doctor, we have a pro- veloped. The workers in the boscis monkey here who photo lab became so fond of wants plastic surgery.” the photos, they made 150 copies for themselves and for An ear, nose, and throat doc- friends. tor in England was accused of “Well, the lighting was misconduct for examining the exceptional! The contrast was breasts of a 23-year-old divine!” Swedish patient who had come to him for treatment of In 1985, the most popular dizziness. He told a disci- waist size for men’s trousers plinary hearing that he had to was 32 inches. In 2003, it was check her breasts, that it was 36 inches. indeed necessary. If I were you, I’d leave Yes, indeed. that shirt out. No belt.