UNIVERSITY OF HAWAI'I LIBRARY

REFUGE

A THESIS SUBMITTED TO THE GRADUATE DIVISION OF THE UNIVERSITY OF HAWAI'I IN PARTIAL FULFILLMENT OF THE REQUIREMENTS FOR THE DEGREE OF

MASTER OF FINE ARTS

IN

ENGLISH

AUGUST 2008

By Kahea Gaspar

Thesis Committee:

Robert Sullivan, Chairperson Albert Wendt John Zuem We certifY that we have read this thesis and that, in OUT opinion, it is satisfactory in scope and quality as a thesis for the degree ofMaster of Arts in English.

TIIESIS COMMITTEE t2ec&:~ '~ Tiitii Speaks ofKane 0 Ke Kai

I evah tell you da time Tutu was going go live in da sea? Wen I was maybe same age as you I wen come from Hilo side fodasummah cause my Auntie Vrrgie tought I was going die. She said dat one kahuna wen tell her fo send me away. So I come all da way ovah hea whea no body know me. I was so piss off. Noting fo do. EveI)' day was da same ting. One time I wen go out where dey get da hukilau cause da watah shallow and nobody stay.

Wen I wen swim around da rocks in front da part by da heiau I saw someting in da watah. Was moving fas. I tought was one seal until I see one face come out and stare at me. Was da most beautiful man TutU evah see in her life. We wen jus look at each oddah fo one long time. Jus looking. Den he went disappeah undah da watah.

Da first night after I wen see him I had one dream dat I wen swim out to da safety rock and one manu wen come up and tell me you bettah stay in dis place no go back Hilo side dat Aunty Vrrgie going eat poison cause too much pilikia fo her to handle and dat if I go

1 da wrong people going try fo keep all da mana of dis place fo demselves.

Every day I go down by da heiau and I see him in da watah but I nevah go inside I can hear his voice trying fo ask me my name trying fo ask me how come he nevah see me befoah and dat he can feel my heartbeat undah da waves.

Every night before I go sleep I tink about him and dat I came to dis place to love him. And every night I get da dreams of da mana trying fo tell me da same ting. Da mana in dis place going be taken away and dat all da people hea going suffah if nobody going protec em.

Wen evah I see my kane 0 ke kai his voice getting so loud in my mind I no can even heah my own toughts. I no can stop linking about his face how much I like touch em No look rea1 How much I like him fo touch me. But I sched cause I know I going forget myself and everybody and everyting. He come close to da reef and he tell me "Come" "Come" "E ho' oipoipo kaua." Undaneat da watah his long 'ehu look like Iimu.

2 Da whole ocean was moving wit limu.

I teU him Let me tink. Please. He teU me he going come back jus befo da moon stay fuU. Dat nite I no get da dreams. Noting. I nevah dream noting.

Wen I go back down to da reef he waiting on da rocks. Wen I see him I walk shtraight into da sea like somebody contro11ing my body. He grab my arm was like slime from da han and we moving so fas tru da watah my mind stay froze. Jus befoah he puU me undaneat I scream pOhakul and den get watah in my mout like I drowning.

Pahaku da only ting in my mind I put out my hand and I feel da safety rock push against me and my kane 0 ke kai wasgone. I wait on top da rock and listen fo his voice I even listen fo da mana's voice I wen wait and wait unti1 da sun wen come up ovah da mountain.

3 The Seaside

Every time it' s recess me and Lori always play hopscotch so we can challenge and it's good because it's close to Mrs. Sugiyama's class so we aren't late when recess is pau. When I was jumping I saw Mom standing in the field. She was looking around so I ran to her and she grabbed my arm real hard and asked me if any Japanese men tried to talk to me today. I said no. Then she told me to wait at Mr. Kawada's office so she could go get Pua.

After we left school she told us we got to go early because it's a special day. When we were driving she said what would we do if a man asked us to get into a car. I said we have to ask for the code word and ifhe doesn't know it we run away. Then she said what ifhe says your Mom's in the hospital and is bleeding. Pua said we should get in the car but I knew that was wrong. Mom said never ever go with anyone except for Aunty Patty without the code word.

Then Pua got to go to Aunty Charmaine's house and play with Nani and Eden. But I couldn't because she said she needed me to be her helper.

When we got home Mom said that two Japanese men

4 came to visit her this morning. They were dressed real nice and had good manners and one of them didn't have a finger. They wanted to know where Uncle Gerard was. Mom didn't know, but they knew all kinds of stuff like me and Pua's names and where we go to school and even where Dad lives and I haven't seen him in forever. Mom said she cried and one of the men laughed at her when she asked them ifthey were going to cut offher finger.

Mom said we had to go downtown at nighttime to do some business and that I couldn't stay home by myself because she needed me. When the sun went down I had to carry two heavy bags to the car so Mom could get ready. She got real pretty and wore her tall shoes and put chopsticks in her hair.

When we drove downtown she told me that she always tells me the truth because she loves me. But she always tells me that so I already know.

Mom parked the car across from the Seaside Hotel and told me to wait and that I had to call the police if she was gone for more than two hours. I said ok, but I didn't want to wait in the car because it's boring so she let me wait in the lobby as long as I stayed away from the man behind the desk, and if she came back down the elevator

5 with anyone else I wasn't supposed to talk to her and had to call the police. Then she gave me ten dollars so I could get food.

I wanted to get Slush Puppy from the gas station across the street but I didn't want to get in trouble so I went to the little restaurant by the pool and asked the lady if she had something that tasted like red or blue ice shave. She made something in a tall cup with an umbrella in it.

I stayed there for a long time until the lady asked me where my Mom and Dad are. I said they're trying to sleep and I'm too noisy so I'm supposed to find something to do. When I left she told me to stay in the hotel and don't wander off and gave me pineapple and cherries.

I sat by the pool because the light in the water made blue lines everywhere. When I laid down I could see all the lanais and four of them had lights on. I tried to see Mom but nobody was there.

6 Pasimati

You rich, ah? Pasjrnatj says this every time she comes over Looking around the parlor at my second hand furniture the artwork. on the wall, mismatched, in cheap frames she leans in close to me, whispering so that my reply will be in confidence You rich, ah? Laughing, I slap her shoulder and never say no

Pasjrnatj doesn't know any haoles other than me She stares at the freckles on my chest and says, "How come you no have palangi hair?" Are we sisters I wonder [s our hair the same? Hers glints like a dark pearl Beautiful and strong a waterfall at night

Pasjrnatj has thick, restful hands that face down, never up Her house is filled always with many strange men who say things in overlapping voices that I can't understand Pasimati pretends that she can't hear and brings great pots ofulu to a table that was once a picnic table in the sand As I chew the soft flesh I taste Pasimati's hands a history I have imagined for her and I want to say Pasimati, why did you come here?

Sione is Pasimati's husband a round man with a round voice who throws chicken bones on my floor pisses on my bed when he's drunk I think he beats Pasimati but I'm afraid to ask

7 Fatani and Lolo are her children They often bit one another and used the crayons I gave them to draw long Jines on my car

When Pasimati is silent I am silent with her, but in her big open eyes as she is a big open woman I can see everything

Pasirnati was something of a princess back home But now it seems she has nobody to remind her One afternoon Pasirnati gives me a smaIl plastic figurine with palm trees and a sunset carved into its back It reads "Hawaii" in fancy script of red and blue letters When she leaves, I notice the price tag underneath: Oshima Drugs $4.99 I want to cry and I send my thoughts after her.

8 Hemolele

Aunty Hemolele nevah used to give us lickins Me, Kainos, Sammy, all dem do any kine shit to her: spy on her when she in da lua tru da holes in da wood, laugh when we see her piss drip down, steal her panty to see what kine stains get, tell all da guys her kohe smell like bleach any kine shit My Maddah always tell her, "How come you no make doze kids shape up! Dey driving you nuts! You bettah start pounding some ass. How else dey going learn?"

I see her just looking squatting on top da rocks down by da reef looking trying fo figure em out like she trying fo spock all our bad shit before we do em She even looking at oddah stuiftoo but her eyes so far away I no can be shuah Maybe she looking at us maybe she looking at da futchah Spooky da way her face get

When she pau schoo~ Aunty Hemolele go O'ahu so she can go college so she can learn how fo talk hybolic All da kids still making trouble Pretty soon almost all da kupuna wen make My Maddah said all our shit wen put em in da ground but I tink dey wen kill each oddah Dey always talking about da mana and who going get em but aftah dey gone, nobody keah Everybody doing whatevahs TUtU always telling me fo learn hula, learn our language But I no need dat stuiffo tell me noting, shit

Just aftah Uncle Pocho dem wen go jail

9 fo cia drug bust Aunty Hemolele wen come back all momona, get hair undabneat her arms and one voice dat sound like she one man aImos, teJling us what fo do like we going listen She crack all cia kids wit one flit fist trying fo pound us into cia ground cuz we no do what she say She still go sit on her rock, she still looking but she say all kine shit wit her big mout and her cho cho lips, "Eh! Robert! I catch you smoking dot shit again I ripping offyour fucking alas!" Den she talk about haoles and how dey golfing on top us and how da Iii' au at cia King Kam is killing cia Aloha She use words I no can undahstand I no tink she using real words She even talk about cia new stop light downtown Kainoa wen tell me she saw her standing undah dat ting all day screaming at da traffic den getting quiet den screaming again She sit at cia bus stop, talking to herself telling everybody she trying fo get home

When me and Kainoa out fishing was so quiet Only get us and cia moon We was coming around cia reef into cia bay when I see dis ting moving on cia rocks Hard fo see even tho get full moon but I see em Look like somebody rocking in one circle Den get one long sound I try fo listen above cia waves Sound like cia ting in pain Kainoa sched but I told her I tink das Aunty but I not shuah When cia boat get to cia oddah side I look again and I know was her No moah clothes, talking to someting I try fo see her face but cia night covering em

10 I look up into da moon and was like looking at da sun When I look back to cia rocks get only one white blur on top my eyes taking everyting away

11 Nighttime

The shower has been running for a long time. The water doesn't sound like anyone's inside. I can hear it behind the bathroom door. I make oatmeal for dinner because I already made eggs and saimin for lunch and I don't want Pua to eat saimin all day long. I make a lot of oatmeal because I know Pua is hungry and even though Mom never eats dinner in front ofus I make big pot just in case.

The shower has been running for a long time I go to the bathroom and listen to the water hitting nothing. I crack the door it doesn't lock and I can see the red light and steam inside. Mom doesn't answer when I call so I try to open the door but Mom blocked it with open drawers next to the sink. I can still get in because I'm kind of small Mom is naked and wet and the floor is wet and she looks tired under the steam and red light.

I try to get her to come out with me so she can go to bed but she's heavy

12 and doesn't want to move. She tries to cover the marks on her arm with her hand but I can sti1l see them. She says I have to finish it I'm not done yet. It sounds like her lips are sticky Sometimes her mouth moves but nothing comes out because her brother stabbed her in the neck before. I don't want her to finish it. Pua tries to fit in through the crack in the door but I yell at her and tell her to go watch TV. She doesn't have to finish it but she won't listen. She says ifI let her finish it she promises to come out and we can eat.

So I let her finish it.

I go back to the kitchen and put raisins in the oatmeal. Soon Pua runs in and says that she's doing it again. In the hallway Mom runs past me and climbs out my bedroom window. She's wearing her kimono and it sticks to her body. She has a knife and stabs the air outside and says Yeah you fuckas! You try fo take my kids!

When she stabs she grunts like an animal. I try to grab her and bring her back inside because if anyone hears us or sees us they'll call the police and then they'll take us away again.

13 But she won't let me and pushes me behind her to protect me. I say in a quiet voice that ifwe go away then nobody can take care of her. I grab her kimono and it rips but I don't let go. I pull her back into the house and I tell Pua to lock everything and to put safety pins on the curtains and butter knives in the doorframe so that it won't open.

Mom fulls asleep on her bed. I lay down next to her Pua lies on the other side because she's scared to sleep in our room. I tell her if she sees Mom wakeup then she has to tell me. I listen to Mom's breathing and she sounds ok. I rub her hair so that she can have good dreams.

14 The Broken Pounder

Pohaku ku'i 'ai A pig found you hidden in the old wall cradled from the heat of the sun Born again like the 'iIi'iIi h!nau 0 KOloa

Pohaku ku'i 'ai you are halved but the spirit remains It knows the hands of men their industry their smells of survival and celebration: the blistered hair of the pua' a the warm flesh ofthe kalo, the 'uala You were thanked in the intricate mesh ofthings

Pohaku ku'i 'ai who took care of families, villages with your hard be11y pressed against the papaku'i the excited release as muscle and stone fell together, rose together infused with prayers of the lo'i: may this land be blessed with a deep bounty grant me life grant my fumily life grant all who seek our hospita1ity life

Pohaku ku'i 'ai Now you are paralyzed viri1ity spent into shadow but your spirit remains You are delivered to me and I will take care of you

15 TheVtsitor

Four days here and already the heat and the food and the life makes her stomach swell, The tank water with the mosquitoes skimming the surface makes her fuce crumple. The propane gas to make her breald8st keeps her in the other room. The sounds of our dream breathing and flutter of the banana trees and dropping fiuit in the dark damp keeps her from resting.

While I pull weeds in the afternoon when the sun rests down by KaDawaloa she waits inside with her delicate skin and tells the children stories of when we were girls with pretty dresses and plenty oflaughter in our hearts. When they tell me, smiling, Aunty said this, Aunty said that I nod and know that's not how it happened.

My car is a mountain car filled with baskets of dirty clothes and obedient cbildren, grumbling even after a fill-up at Shimizu's. We grab boiled eggs and apple juice and putter to Caps Laundry where the whir of machines competes with the gossip of big Polynesian mothers, the squeals of scurrying children who look for quarters in lint traps. I introduce my sister to everyone while I help fold sheets, careful to keep them from touching the ground, and there are quiet hellos and no touching and no kisses before she returns to our clothes, spiraling behind the heated glass. Zippers whack the metal violently as she stares puzzled by my laughter, my quick talking, my hands moving and touching the other women.

I order loco mocos and french fries that come in mustard colored paper spotted with oil. I give the children quarters for video games, They hug me with sticky fingers and bide ketchup packets in their clothes. My sister asks me how I know those women and what language I was speaking. I laugh and tell her it's English. She lifts her eyebrows and stops eating after two bites.

16 She puts her arms around her stomach, squeezes her eyes shut, and a smaD noise escapes. When I wrap up the food to take home she tells me I have no shame and quickly throws the food into the rubbish.

Evening comes and this is the only time she'll bathe in the aluminum tub outside. She covers her breasts and her vagina as she sits and I pour hot water over her neck. She stares into the forest, looking fur sneaky eyes. I assure her there's no one out there, but she says the Japanese man down the road has a look. He's Filipino I tell her and he brings me honey from his farm and Tupperware full ofpansit. She puts her hand on her stomach and asks when I'm coming home because I don't look like a woman who shits in a hole forever. I rub her back with a soapy cloth.

I trust my mountain car on the weekend to take us down to the Kona Surf disco where the tourists smell like a department store. We drink and laugh with good-looking men and my sister tells stories of high school that aren't her stories, they're mine. But I let her go while I cruise with the waitress who I used to clean houses with. Soon my sister begins to dance and chant "wiki wacky" loudly and the men laugh because she's beautifu1 and smells like them. She points at me and yells "You should hear her talk Hawaiian. She acts just like one. Say something in that talk!" When I drag her back to the car she knows I'm never going back with her. She looks at my eyes, which are her eyes too, and asks "Why do you want to stay so much? You're like a white nigger here." When she sees my fist coming she squeals and shuts her eyes.

The ride up the mountain is blue and quiet. At horne I lie on the floor watching the low kerosene light make my children's faces look alive. I think of what she said and her words are foul. The way I talk and the words that make my thoughts

17 change all the time, and it's always me, and it's a1ways Jespectful.

Rain starts on the tin roof and I watch the back of my sister's head, pressed close to the waIl. Her legs are folded and her arms wind around her belly. I go to her and we don't talk. I roll her onto her stomach and I climb on top so that my weight and fingers press into her back. Soon the flatulence comes and comes but I don't move because there's no shame here.

18 MilIa

Grandma Milla, not mill-ab ... MEE-LAH from Manila Manong manong wit da bagoong bagoong Sound like one joke, yeah? But no look \ike you even tinking dat Bumbye fa1se crack, she no seehd. Get so much kala, but ack like no mo notin! Make da coco wit hot watah, make me bave wit Aunty Bernie Too old fo dis. So frickin shame!

19 The People ofLoliDana

The people ofLoliDana, mostly women 88 the men had their testicles cursed one time or another for their careless sins that stuffed their mouths with cutting speak, catch the poison dream fish darting when the moon pulls the water high above the shoals. Ships skim the ocean two by two. The women spit kuk:ui oil into the quiet tide and the dream fish with its meta1lic eyes and bellyfuls of toxin illuminates the deep. When the catch is to be had the poison sacs burst filling the meat with its strange odor and when the fish is consumed warm from the irnu smoldering the dream is thus.

Some women impatient in the heat tap the water, calling in short whistles to the underneath. Some women tell lewd stories of sex under beach trees-thorns poking all over and the sting feels good while it lasts-­ with nature watching and maybe even a spirit or two. The women throw their heads back red tongues lolling 88 their laughter carries to shore where many have busied themselves tending to the ground with digging sticks the adze strokes against naked wood the smell of sennit lingering. When the laughter comes faintly with the salty air the workers stop for curious smiles.

The women hear the lap of the ocean a lover's stroke along the skins of their ships and they fix their eyes into the sun so shadows slide back into their dark manes. The lull makes for daydreaming and the light burns the life energy in their chest.

20 spilling out through eyes. fingernails soft rock hardened into jagged fields deep with fertility. The earthmakers contended with days of building homes. weaving community without ritua1s, collective eating and menstruation.

The people of Loli 0 ana, mostly women as their men bruised the ground with ill manner and fled through the mountain passes seeking wives who didn't know the secret speech of ancient times, smelled the foreign waves lurk from the horizon shifting currents unnaturally with green waters so impenetrable the people imagined only soulless creatures could breathe in them and this was not the breath of the mountains the breath ofthe world. No, this was the breath of viscous oceans, dark mud blocking the sun.

Twisting and hissing the currents brought the stale meat and lazy thoughts of the interlopers which looked undisciplined when scnobled from their tongues onto paper and a wooden church painted to mimic themselves. The men conspired to make their big power spread through ritua1s of providence. Cloistered the women bled and dressed, polluted shadowed midday.

But the women saw their visions infected by the dream fish so in the dark time of wandering souls, they met naked full of deep breath and courage. They spoke with closed mouths of disorder and new spaces and stung the ground which became a swollen belly, sons and daughters in its wetness and the children would be joined

21 in the sum of light and dark the essence in the turning night sky received into the world its taproot reaching down into blessed before time.

The moon crawled down from the mountain and led the women through a brightened path and though the path had fallen with neglect stabbed the women, their knees, their bare feet with the thorns of trees come in from the serpent currents they charged steadily and when the moon brought them to the high ground, the worshipping place of the outlanders the women tore at the church, teeth flashing broke its spine, pulled it from the ground bitter roots snapping, its life sap flew into their mouths and dumbed their senses but they didn't need sound to make text. They mashed centipedes hidden in the underneath and threw the splintered wood into the sea where it was eaten by the bluest offathoms.

When the frenzy had gone out and the sun had come to bear witness, codify the word, a great feast was prepared. The women ate pig, bananas of all species and goatfisb, the color of their blood and in the following time they mastered many arts in sight of one another so that the vision of the dream fish was recreated in the now and when the belly ofthe world reopened a great multitude of ecstatic oneness spilled out.

22 Skyler

Skyler lives next door in apartment 4. My bedroom wall's on other side of his. Sometimes we send secret messages back and forth. Even though I gave him the code book that came with my walkie talkie he doesn't get it right so we made up our own code.

We stay up late all the time to listen to each other until Pua ruined it by tattle tale-ing. I wasn't going moe moe when I was supposed to. Skyler said I was lucky to have a sister but I said if she ruins anything ever again I'm going to put a pillow over her face.

Skyler eats with me almost every day because his mom can't cook anything, not even saimin. My mom said his mom is from New York and that she's trying to make herself new. She can't do anything around the house because she had men to take care of her and used to make plenty money. But Skyler doesn't talk about having plenty money.

I showed Skyler how to make musubi and told him that we should save some for his mother because she's so skinny and must be hungry all the time. Skyler said she's not skinny and she's the prettiest mother in the world. She's not prettier than mine but she's pretty. I didn't say it though.

23 Skyler doesn't have friends at school They call him one fn haole and say he's stink. The other haole kids in school stink but Skyler doesn't stink. I told him to tell everybody he's one Portagee from o Oahu so he doesn't get beat up again just like my mom did when she first came here. I taught him how to say stuff in pidgin too but he doesn't sound good so I said just tell everybody he's from Waimea side.

Skyler likes me to spend the night but I don't like to. His mom is weird sometimes. One time me and Mitosbi knocked on her door to say Skyler was pau have She looked at me like I was mental. Skyler is aaal paaau baaathe and then she say ok but I know she's only acting

Me and Skyler go in the bushes to catch mejiros because Skyler never seen one bird like that before and because his mom would be happy to see one too. When we were hiding Skyler got stung by a big black bee and made all kind noise. My mom came running out grabbed Skyler's foot and put it in her mouth She was scared because my cousin Baja died from a sting. I watched my mom with her mouth on his foot dirt and all

24 and I bet his mom doesn't do stufflike that.

I heard my mom talking story with Aunty Joelyn about the sting. She said that even though Skyler has AIDS he's a baby and she didn't have to think about taking care of a baby. Then she cried and said that when she sucked out the poison in his body she asked Akua to take care of him.

After we finish ta1king ever night through the wall I can't hear anything but the wind and the banana tree. I pray to Akua. I pray to TiitU and all the Daumakua to take care ofhim

When I woke up Pua was screaming. There was a dead m~iro outside the window. It had a broken neck like it was trying to look back and blood around the white part of the eye. I knew the m~iro took away the AIDS I wrapped him up in ti leaf and buried him under the ginger. I thanked the m~iro for giving up his life for my friend so that be can have a chance to beaman.

25 MySUnkillu

Get one stink ulu inside me One rotten ulu hooking my mana like lone fish pushing da hanawai out between my legs Look red Look orange Da fucken ting eating me up I going give birt to one stink u1u-watchl

Dis shit is my poison Haunahz but I know smell like me Get my name on top-look! One ma'i catching up wit me but I know how fo take responsibility fo all da old dayz when get pleny drugs and pleny sex

No need doz haoles up Kona Hospital fo tell me how fo get my stink ulu out Doctah Brown-fucken asshole! wen kill my maddah and now he like stick his hand up inside me Dickless! Try fo make me cum wit his bull shit degree cuz he no can get em up

Dis stink u1u is mine Hooking my mana like lone fish I going cut da noni-juice em da 'olena, da kB honua'ula Put my ass up to sun give one backward kine birt-he 'alu'alu Den hide my stink uIu in daground maybe in Ka'u

26 StoreFront

Kimo and Lani are wooden statues on AJi'i Drive right in front of my gift shop. Kimo strums an Dukule1e. His stomach pushes through ill-fitting clothes. Sleepy eyes, drunk even in the sunshine. His crumpled lips smile when tourists leave paper cups, cigarettes, gum wrappers in his arms. Lani's grass skirt parts in the front, inviting as she pins a blossom behind her right ear. She can say nothing when haole boys, local ones too, paw her breasts. Their blank eyes watch tourists pass with shopping bags full of coconut bras, kukui nut leis made in the Philippines, small plastic tikis with jeweled eyes that shine. Tourists take photos with them- they look like a postcard.

One day a woman strides into the shop. Her movements are pmposeful, voice direct. "Why does the statue out front look inebriated?" she asks. "He seems to enjoy being drunk." I don't know. "Doesn't the female one look unrealistically provocative to you ... " she looks at my nametag, "Ikaika? You Hawaiian?" I nod, "Y cab, part." She looks straight into my pupils, "So what do you think ofthem?" I shrug and lift my eyebrows. She's not going to buy anything and I want her to leave. She shakes her head and loosens the muscles in her face, "That's part ofthe problem." When she's gone, my boss Leialoha who's overheard tells me to ignore her because she's just a crazy bitch who was trying to pull some Hannani bullsbit on me.

Some weeks later Kimo and Lani are taken to our filctory and put into permanent storage. We're told that they were too close to the street, a violation of city ordinances. But I don't believe that.

The following year, a man comes in. He asks what happened to the statues out front. I tell him about the violations.

27 He shakes his head. "You know, my filther made those statues. Spent a long time carving them. He worked with wood his entire life, and those two were his favorite because he said it represented his love for the islands. He moved here from Ohio over thirty years ago, remanied a local girl." I ask ifhis father still carves. "No, he died on Maui couple years ago. That's wby I'm interested in those statues. Everyone always said my dad knew the Hawaiian people better than anyone."

28 Honolulu

Me and Pua have to stay here for three months. Mom said we would have fun in Honolulu because it's a big city. But I don't like it anymore. Mom said that Dad would come see us all the time. But we only saw him three times all summer and he got into a fight with Grandpa and Grandpa hit him to the ground and said the f-word a lot. Puacried. Before we went to bed I pretended to be Grandpa and ran around the room like I was going beef and said Yeahyoufucka! Like Iro! just like one moke and Pua thought I was funny.

When Grandma lets us call Mom she doesn't let us talk for a long time. Sometimes I don't even get to talk. Puatoldme she was going to tell Mom we want to go home. She was going to whisper it in the phone so Grandma wouldn't hear. But maybe Grandma did hear because when she gave Pua the phone she said You better not cry and you better tell her you want to stay! Puadid cry but she never said anything. When she looked at me I shook my head and she got quiet.

Everyday Grandma makes us eat Kix. I told Grandpa I didn't want to eat that anymore

29 but he said no can help and bumbye Grandma going get mad. Sometimes Grandma makes us eat bacon that tastes wet and has yellow fat that tastes like shoyu and I can't even chew it. I don't think it's real bacon. Grandpa told us to wait until Grandma goes to work and then throw it in the rubbish.

When Grandpa has to go holoholo he makes the old lady upstairs take care of us. It doesn't smell good upstairs because she smokes brown cigarettes and she makes us kiss her dog Bibingka on the lips. But she lets us watch Grease and Wonderwoman and gives us ice cream in the middle of the day so long as me and Pua and Bibingka keep it a secret. When Grandpa comes home he carries big bags into his room and doesn't come out for a long time. Sometimes people come over and they play games and go into Grandpa's room with the door locked. Grandpa makes everyone leave before Grandma comes home.

Me and Pua got to go get ice cream because we were good. The ice cream store was white and cold and Pua got in trouble for touching the clean glass. Pua didn't know what to get so Grandma told her to get poha. I got strawberry. When we were in the parking lot Pua said in a quiet voice

30 that her ice cream tasted like a shoe. I tried to trade but Grandma yelled at her and told her to eat it. When we were in the car it was dark but I saw the ice cream dripping on Pua's lap and she was crying. I told her to be quiet and gave her my strawberry Grandpa saw me with the poha and pointed his lips to the window so Grandma wouldn't see. When I threw it out I looked back and watched the ice cream disappear on the highway.

Me and Pua always have to go to bed early Except when Remington Steele is on TV. Sometimes Pua sleeps with Aunty Veronica because they listen to Menudo records over and over so I stay in the parlor and look at books. One time Dad came over when I was sleeping by myself and woke me up and asked me ifI wanted to stay with him. He said he would teach me how to surf. I said maybe Even though I didn't want to because my Mom and Pua need me at home. And then he asked me if Grandpa has any pretty girls over when Grandma is at work and I said no. Mom said that Grandpa is a dirty man with guns that I'm not supposed to ever touch but nothing is dangerous and everything is ok.

31 Chantal and Me

The kitchen is always warm here on Saturdays. I'm glad to be inside with pots of smoky oil, the sound of Grandma MilIa's filthy dog chasing the hens through the coffee land, and the maruyang saging that will disappear once the kids pau holoholo. Chantal sits with me at the table, picking kalamungay leaves and filling the bowl between us so quickly I struggle to keep up. Chantal isn't her real name, but neither is mine. We are both other people.

We talk about men and I ask her if she's been with many. "Of course," she laughs, "any man would kill to have a Miss Miihii Filipina 1972 on their arm." In bigh school she sold herself to the married Japanese men who cruised around the Hilo fisbmarket until her brother beat her and said that God could only love her if she cut off her boto. I can't imagine him bitting anyone. But I suppose people can act diffeIelltiy for God's love. He's a good man. I knew his earnestness when be brought me three bloodied roosters that were killed in a cockfight. Chantal says only a tanga would do such a thing, but he liked me and liked my son, and knew we were hungry. Although I put the roosters in the rubbish once he left he did a good thing.

I ask Chantal what it's like to get paid for sex. She says it's very economical. I ask her if getting a candy bar for sucking a man's dick is the same thing. She makes a joke, as I knew she would, about the differences between her glamour and cheap whores. I nod without laughing and her stare becomes slow and penetrating. When I press my fingers into the comer of my eyes Chantal shakes her head and tells me to cry ifl want to but quietly because Grandma Milla will hear and make everything her business.

We tum the stove to a low heat and she begins to braid my hair into an intricate pattern. I can feel her eyes on my bead, peeking into my thoughts underneath. If God has a plan, then I must not be worth much because I'm on the outside. even in this wann place.

32 I've slept with Japanese. Jamaican, Samoan, Hawaiian, Filipino, all kinds OrmeD, and every time I think I'm going to belong I tear it all up because nothing works to make me who I am. Just me and my son, and maybe because I'm stink sometimes it makes him the same way.

Last week when I dropped offa couple ounces at Duna's place, my son picked some plumeria and made a lei on the ground. Duna smashed it and said I was trying to make him mahii, and since his Dad's gone, Duna said going tum out polIO. Chantal pretends to spit, "Putang ina mol He only mad cause his boto when disappear under his stomach. Honey, you too beautiful to be ugly all over and you get plenty good. No matter you fucking any kine guys. You not going be Hawaiian just cause you get one Hawaiian baby. You not going be Filipino cause you like eat dinuguan. But you sti1I belong here with all us. And who going care ifyour boy bak1a? Sana mamatay kayo!"

She takes my hand and traces the head line on my palm, "You lucky you get hands like one man. Better for everyone to have little bit boy, little bit girl inside. Not like balo balo where everything get one layer, one layer only touching. You need everything all mix up." Chantal lifts her dress and shows me her penis, which has shrunk to the size of my little finger. I laugh and taste the water dripping from my nose.

33 One Good Life

Dey like me give em my bebe! What kind maddah I going be if give away my son? I tell you, pohO kine, wit one poho Iifel Dey was watching me, maybe long time Dey see me on da sand, easy cause I hapai My 'opii swell up so big like one u1u dat wen eat and eat everyting da roots can give Bebe sitting by da shallow playing wit Iimu Dey come from behind me so I no see da shadow and talk soft and smell fancy Dey say Aloha but I no feel Aloha from dem and tell me I get one good boy so handsome so akamai--can tell by da eyes Mahalo I tell em and I like be ftiendly cause wen dey come close dey look like dey nevah play wit kids long time so I say Boy, say Aloha, look Auntie She Iif em up and I was surprise cause she Japanese but she no keah, she squeeze em naked and momona, spilling sand on her clean dress She put her face close to his and wen she breathe her eyes stay young Honi honi I tell em, make nice Deah fiIces light up She say someting in Japanese, but not to me not to my hebe like she telling one secret

Da man ask ifI get husband I tell em he stay fishing and come home wen da sky orange We wait fo him You get hard life? da man say No mo house, no mo watah, no mo lights but da nighttime always warm and da daytime get da sea and da 'iiina fo take keah us But I no tell em dis, I no tell em notin! He tell me dey love kids but no get So much Aloha fo give, plenny money too One saimin factoIy Honolulu pay fo education, one nice home, da bes life

34 Da wife no can take her eyes off my 'opu so shiny and brown I pull my pareu fo hide em and stand up so dey see lone stone waIl wit fat arms dat pull my hebe away and one fist dat like pound deah faces

You tink yo money enough fo take my bebe, ah? You tink bettah he foget about da land and da sea, give em your oriental kine life so he shame his maddah and faddah? Tzal I tell you someting, I get big 'ohana orientaI kine too fo take keah I spit on da ground and cany all us down da beach

Befoa I go sleep dat night no mo da crickets and da ocean mii1ie I tink so deep I no can see in front my eyes Get time fo pray to Almighty AIrua fo help us get one good life and good dreams cause no mo room fo anger in dis bed- get foah people already And I ask AIrua fo bless da Japanese Maybe dey get plenny Aloha and only AIrua wit infinite wisdom knows how come dey no mo kids Please AIrua take keah dem

35 Kanoa

We had to stop at the Chevron on the way home from the movies. A man named Kanoa pumped the gas and washed our windows and took a long time to do it. When he was filling the tires with air Mom leaned out the window and said, "Where you from?" She made her lips stick out like when she's mad at us but she never went mfffmfff so she wasn't mad. Then she said, "Are you single?" So I thought she wanted free gas because she always says that to the police when they pull us over. Kanoa went into the store and came back with two popsicles for me and Pua and Mom didn't have to pay.

When we were at Pay-n-Save Mom told me to help her buy music. Something nice for dinner with Kanoa I showed her a Debbie Gibson record because she always sings about love on Night Tracks but Mom said no. Then I got one with a pretty black lady on the cover and Mom bought it because black ladies sing the best. When we got home me and Pua had to clean the house and light incense and iron mom's new dress. We got to meet Kanoa when he came but then we had to go to our room so Mom and Kanoa could drink wine before they left to go down town. Mom pulled her dress up and put on a sparldy pin that looked like a dragonfly so I could see her leg. Mom said to make sure

36 that we went to sleep in our bedroom before she came back. Me and Pua watched TV all night and I let her eat ika and pie. She fell asleep on the carpet so I had to cany her to the bedroom

Kanoa came over almost every day and brought uhu and made chicken on the hibachi.

One time when I was sleeping Mom woke me up and she was crying. She said Kanoa was married and asked ifwe liked him. I said yes and said Pua liked him too Then she sat at the dinner table for a long time by herself. Kanoa started bringing over his little girl. She was brown and bald and always had a white dress. Pua said she looked like her doll.

Mom and Kanoa started yelling a lot so I was worried . Mom was going to make Kanoa leave pretty soon. When Kanoa went to work Mom told me she called his wife and said they were going to meet outside in the parking lot. Mom told me to hide in the bushes with a baseball bat and come out only if she said the code word. When his wife came over she said her name was Robin. They stood far away from each other. I watched them talk and she couldn't see me.

Mom made Kanoa take his clothes and leave. She cried all day then told me and Pua to get in the car. When we got to KainaIiu Mom said she saw Robin pass by in a Volkswagon and saw a big Samoan guy in the front seat.

37 She said we bad to warn Kanoa so we stopped at Tesbima's and I had to call from the payphone . Kanoa wasn't home, but a lady was so I told her about the Samoan guy. Then we drove down town to White Sands and found Kanoa's truck. We waited across the street then followed him down AJi'i Drive but then we couldn't see him anymore because it was night time. Mom told me to look right and told Pua to look left. We saw a truck and followed it for a long time but it wasn't him. Then we went to the old airport and saw Kanoa with his friends. When he walked over to OUT car Mom rolled the window down and they talked. Then Mom took the knife in her purse and cut Kanoa on his chest Pua started crying so I gave her more ofmy candy.

A long time later Mom stopped at the little store by Pupule Pizza and told me to run in and buy her cigarettes. When I asked the lady behind the counter for Benson and Hedges Ultra Light Menthol she asked me who they were for so I said my mom and that she was outside. The lady looked at OUT car and asked me what my mom's name is I told her and she said, "Do you know who I am?" I said no so she said her name was Celeste and looked at me for a long time then gave me the cigarettes for free. When I got in the car Mom asked me why I took so long but I didn't say anything.

38 Machi

I get to da hospito and I see Kei all crying and hanabuttah on top her face No can even look me in da eyes fo tell me Bachan wen make already and dat Aiko dem nevah like call me cuz dey tink I no belong, going make all pilikia But I know 'ass bullshit Before she wen go Bachan wen whisper fo Kei Take me home I like go Honaunau I no can die in dis place Aiko say no! and tell Kei try wait outside Den Bachan wen try stop her and tell her Bring me mochi I like eat mochi one more time Onegai Den Bachan try give Kei money but Aiko wen see and ack up again I tell Kei how come you nevah take her da fucking mochi And how come you nevah tell Aiko she one tarantaran bitch and fo go back to her condo and her haole husband who tink he bettah den us and dis place Bachan like go back Honannau, ah? I go put her on da breeze Daifuku and all We going Inokeah We going

39 Telephone

We don't have much food left. Only a few cans of corn and sardines in tomato sauce. Mom malres me call Mr. Morihara to ask ifwe can charge some groceries, add more money to our unpaid bill. Sumiko answers, her voice sweet and strict. I'm too ashamed to speak. I'll call back.

Sometimes I call Mr. Yamashita in the midmorning when he's likely to he home. IfYuki answers I'm not supposed to hang up. She'll think it's suspicious and maybe question Mom the next time she cleans her house. As the phone rings I get ready to pretend to be someone else.

If someone calls asking for Anne I'm not to hesitate or accidentally say "There's no Anne here." I go and get Mom whose name isn't Anne. Then we drive to a hotel where it's so quiet I can hear the ocean. I wait under the coconut trees which smell like home. Maybe mom will come back with a silk kimono just like the last time.

40 Drift

From the lanai you watch the waves tumble in at Honannau count their broken lines of soft foam in the distance far enough to make you small and undisturbed by their hollow pi1 echoes repeated in the tides

Your mind drifts in the distance too out where the moana keeps secrets hidden under wide belts of shadowy blue You drift all the way back to the damp sand of the Northwest where people cover their bodies and talk in manners that close as the weather hardens

They were hurtfu1 to you Worse than what little you've told me: women who gave their own babies away like food for dogs men who touched little girls in their sleep They made you grow up quickly change your name and tell God to shove it all up his ass because that was not how it should be

Home is anywhere now a little bird's nest with three children plenty of uncles you never trusted enough to keep around and an ocean stare that made me want to be the only man in this house

Without turning from the sea I come to you because I know you're alone I sit beside you in quiet and I want to drift together because I am your son

41 But you won't let me When I insist my naOau turns with answers that sink in my stomach I'm sure that your past can come easily from your mouth I can make a meal of them because I've grown up quickly too

Your voice is here as you wander up from the sand ofKeone'ele to the Hale 0 Papa from where you speak: to me: When I was six years old just after my parents died welfare sent me and Aunty to a couple who didn't take care of us We cleaned late into the night I remember dark floors and a light bulb We had to drink from the toilet after bedtime to stay quiet Once the man made me hold bis penis wbile he drank a glass of milk in front of the refiigerator Me and Aunty used to pet each other's arms in bed and wish to be grown up I combed her hair with my fingers until we fell asleep All the women in this family always leaving and surviving But it's hard to let go I carne here across the ocean first In time your Aunties followed so we could be the kind of women who talk about what we know

42 Miyamoto Tofu

Life grows in all directions from the top of the head. Loves, children., the future locked in every strand turned and bent, curled and waved that for $7.50 plus tip the Miyamoto sisters shampoo, cut and read as words, stories printed across the scalp. With some attention and the cold nietal of the barber's chair under each arm they almost always tell something useful.

The sisters look alike and when they sit fanning temple smoke and ammonium side by side they are Kaina1iu' s siamese twins massaging truths and expectations in those who come, cutting away choices that some customers don't want to make with their shears that talk in a language none of us understand.

Death is on everyone's mind­ when? how? is so-and-so gonna pay me back before I go to heaven? The sisters rarely talk about it and people seldom ask. Though some hint and spend their visits guessing where death and sickness lie­ the fine hairs across the forehead? the upturned ones near the ear? It probably hides in pace like the fire in a kerosene lamp

When Mrs. Peralta colors her grays she makes such a fuss about her freckles and moles and the little sty in her left eye as if they're going to put her in the ground sooner than later.

43 She asks about it not so subtly and mentions an extra big tip. The sisters, I catch their eyes, pull her hairs to an end, examining. They're voices are like heat: Rokugagetsu ni atsui hi no ofuro no naka de ... Tsk! tskl Mata yuwanai kara nel Mrs. Peralta doesn't understand

Too much past, too much memory they tell me. It's in my girl girl because it swirls in the wrong direction. So they cut my hair much shorter than I requested. Less weight on my forehead, more room for myself. They know I won't complain.

The sisters make Miyamoto brand tofu behind the salon. Now all my dreams and secrets smell like cold bean curd. They catch my stare in the mirror with wide pueo eyes that don't look Japanese and I turn away from my reflection

They polish my cut with a razor, shaving cream, and baby powder wipe my hands carefu11y and say I look like a movie star, a Hawaiian Elvis too big for Kainaliu too big for any young life that circles this belt of a highway. They bundle my short strands and hand them to me in a crumpled KT A bag. I leave a bigger tip than usual.

44 Bad Money

At home Mom asks me to help her with the trick she learned from her friend in Ocean View and tells me we'll have lots of money ifwe do it right so I have to pay attention. She takes two twenties and a one dollar bill cuts one end off of each twenty and tapes them to the one dollar bill. Now I try careful to leave both serial numbers on each twenty. I say we should use gloves. Our fingerprints could get on the tape. Mom says good job and we should have plenty money in no time but I don't think she's right. It's not plenty money and pretty soon people around town will notice the chopped up twenties. I don't want the police to come here again. But we need school clothes and supplies so I don't say anything.

Mom says we should use the fake money at a place where no one will notice so we go to McDonalds. Me and Pua ask for the Garfield cups only $1.99 with purchase. Mom doesn't look nervous even when she gives the money to the lady in the window. She makes conversation to distract her, "Ho Tita, Nevah see you long time" "I thought you guys when move KaOu" "How Julianne dem?" "Tell everybody I wen say hi." When we drive away the lady yells WAfT! Mom swears and starts to dig out but when she yells YOUR GARFIELD! we know it's ok.

Later we do Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, and Burger King up mauka and downtown. There's enough to buy me a new backpack

45 the one with the penguin and some shoes. Pua gets a dress and her hair curled and pretends to be her own evil twin. Pretty soon our bad money is on the news just like we're famous.

46 'Okakala

I like my quiet smokes at night The kerosene light makes my eyes weak I can hear the waves sometimes down the road The land is black and the tamarind tree smells sweet and rotten in the warm air Kiihea colors in the kitchen He hums a song I don't recognize

No moon The faint outline of the stone wall recedes into the sounds of the beach Sometimes a floorboard creaks or a papaya falls to the ground My skin jumps with a rough feeling I blow smoke rings that drift over the lanai and spread like ink in water I stare into the muddy night with tired eyes

A movement comes out of the stillness by the opening in the wall I'm awake Looks like a man approaching the house Maybe it's Philip come to get weed But it's so late

Hooey! Philip das you? No answer The man continues in the quiet dark coming through my smoke The hair on my skin is charged and the smell of stink tide water is strong Kiihea, you see somebody? He says no and continues to hum I turn to look at him but my neck doesn't move

My mouth and tongue are numb keeping my voice inside My bones are numb too Everything stiffens

I see the man He looks like ash with his head drooped I can't feel my body

47 Only my eyes can move I strain to see the back ofKahea's head

The air in my mouth is stale I remember Willy just down the road Kahllna man protect me and my babies Help me now My eyes are wet I breathe in all the way to the bottom and out it comes W-I-L-L-Y!

The man is gone and I can move Willy comes out ofthe darkness to the stone wall but stays on the other side He puts a sprouting niu at the entrance When the sun comes I take him a box ofKools that I pretend I had too many of

48 Cockroach Girl

Cry and beg you father to let you out Say you won't do bad things anymore Make it a promise Tell him you will cook anything he wants and the rice will be stickier from now on

Ifthe front door slams shut and you are still folded under the sink he will hear you the next time and know what a clean girl you are

Pound at the cabinet and lead pipes Push hard against the wood Your sweat will dry the tears quickly When your chest begins to shake and the air you suck in isn't enough you will feel cool and sleepy

See deeply in the dark Your eyes can be closed There are thousands of black eyes, scurrying out of the damp wood and last night's corned beefand onions to see for you

Stay quiet and breathe slowly as they click and hiss at your toes and over your shoulders When they bite they do it softly as a friend would do it softly and this is love Your sweat too is love They taste you with their hardened tongues and when you are cleaned this is love

Learn their names They will help you when you ask The yellow eyes upon their backs will see past the walls, the rocks, the highway They see your father at the Manago Hotel laughing and drinking in the lobby

49 with television light on his filce

They will answer you honestly ifyou learn their names They will sweep their long feelers over your skin and say that when your father tells you there is secret candy between your legs and searches there sometimes he is mistaken

When you are tired and the blackness blooms like dreaming and it feels like tomorrow with new light and heat you can ask them to make you good enough to stay out of the dark

50 Whootah!

Abe go cruise Kailua town in his ex's VW wit full carpet layout and gold trim Get his son in one buttabtly collah show off da rhinestones and smile Dey have da same eyes Dey look like braddahs

Check everybody down Magics Feet in warm sand hands on one joint or one ipo Da sweet smoke rises with laughtah and he tell Uncle Duna and his ukulele fo play his daughtah's song: '0 makalapua u1u mahiehie ... He dance fo show offhis fancy Honolulu shoes dat make him move, make him trot up and down A1i'i Drive

Pono boy like go holoholo too cuz he know get mean action when da sun go down da King Kam chicks, da Kona Surf chicks, da kama'iiina mammas parade arolDld in pink and gold Sexy sassy fo da brown boys who smell like salt and Brut

Old A's get pau hana heat warm surf as it polDlds da rocks and wets da soft nests oflimu Titas from Kohala patrol da rollahdrome like sexy wahine koa in hot pants lips smacking when Cbaka Khan sings

He makes da rounds wit his boy who shakes hands, spits when his faddah spits and eats 'opelu like da last of da Makaeo Pono boy like scrap wit some jokahs from Hilo side but how you going scoah wit one bus up face and boroboros, so let em go Braddah

No can see Ahu'ena heiau in da night when Captain Beans boogie cruise going full blast Aloha kak:ou foxy bebes Everybody sucken em down Him and Pono boy move to da pahu rhythm

51 like 'ama'u in one bard rain Da hips, da ass, da tongue move mo'o style fo make everybody mane'o, even da ocean Da 'ehu kai come in one time Peeeuuu! Get everybody wet Da boy look on, moving to da beat

52 The Boar

The boar of culture fast and cnnning, bides in the dry country, scratching its bristled skin against the daylight brush, its cloven feet deep into the rock, and these are read as signs for the vi1Iage elders who tell us what the world looks like under our feet, the destiny of things. It is unchanging they say, even in the nature of our songs that etch the lines of our ancestors and the sources of our divinity into our minds and dreams and when I ponder myselfin the mirror stone I see the sand of our culture failing to resist the imposing waters ofthe tides and the white plumes that are known only to pillar on our coast.

Ifthis is culture then I will be a swift hunter with legs driving through resting grounds where the songs of our people cool in muddy wallows. I am quiet too as the songs move surely out of my hands, my reach, my spear and as it tears through the lowlands with its nose toward the sea its thousand eyes and cacophonous song calling back to m~ifyou were a man you would have caught me by now! Though pressed under the bulk of its fleshy taunts I run fast enough to leave currents sounding and maybe other women with legs and tongues like mine will hear my breath before it dissolves and help me break the beast.

IfI must become a man to navigate the spaces between slipping words then I will become a man if that is what they call it and when the hunt is rendered

53 I will serve its meat, the stench ofit cooked away with our talent, in great calabashes for all who come and we will talk as women and fill our stomachs for there is no end to the hunting time.

When our bellies are satisfied I say if I were a man my hands would lie smooth and as brightly as the kahuli but they would know violence as that is the nature of some relationships. The harm in my past would live deep in my mouth and spit with a sharp bite to the ground. I would be a man of protection and plant green kl thick as a stone wall around the house, turning away the bad sleep that walks the road at night. The young men in the village who kick dogs and drown kittens in rain filled pots to punish those who have hurt them, they have no feeling words to talk. They are lonely with no one to tell, but the old women who sometimes slap their lips because the mothers of this place have run away. I show the boys with my big voice which shakes the air, gathers clouds to wet the harvest, makes the sea pump life into the world and our bellies and woos the woman in the kapa moon that when I call my wife I use all the sounds of her name and when kabtma man says only women are unclean from the sickness between their legs I listen respectfully, but the talk inside of me decides what is unclean. I show the boys because the sober telling, we learn, is unfit for our breed.

IfI were a man I would say Daughter, you are raised in a protected place of rich earth and prayer where the water flows around you, nourishing. I will watch you even when you are rooted with flesh. Stay clear, for now, of the men along this coast. They are affiicted. They lie to women,

54 as I have lied sometimes too, because they bum too much the disease that makes their restless ule itch along dark paths between our houses. Many lovers in any 1ifetime pricks the skin with a poison that swells for always. Stay clear of the strange, the greedy. They will grasp at you with eyes squinting in the sun because they will come from lands where the heavens make only low arcs to the horizon and trample the black rock with soles that repel the pulse in the ground and an inwInerable gate that blots the harvest. You are protected, Daughter and I will watch you all my life.

If! were a man my son would know the gentleness of my hands, which catches everything blown down by the southern wind like a spider's silk, and learn a language ofthe quiet mouth that thinks before speaking and knows the collected worth of men. In return, time will be circular and give of itself through hot bellies in the ground, always swelling, to villages enriched on the succulent flame, the binding smoke, the changing word, and terror fulls into the world's deep fissures where the genesis colors, seething in red and yellow, translate noise in the hot spectrum. Yes, all of this is gifted in the quiet mouth.

55 Tiitii Clara and the Night

I am naked and asleep cradled in my mother's breast hot against my skin My parents dream slowly I awaken because my stomach mumbles my name and it sounds like family

The air is warm when I climb from the bed The air is salty as 1 slide to the ground There's no moon but there's light in the round sky

Outside the p1kake roots under me and though there is no voice to say "I calling you" "Come bebe" "Come visit" There is sound in my stomach

I see her at the stone wall Her face is a shade because there are no photographs for me to remember Her hair is short and shaded too because 1 was told

She takes my hands and spins me fast until my feet leave the ground and we speak with our stomachs "I protect you bebe" "No worry" Her hands reach all the way down like all the sky people whose faces change in the sunlight

My stomach Vibrates with her voice inside "They coming from Hilo fo take da house back cuz I dead two years already You going leave Honaunau bebe but no worry You have one good life

56 Planny bard time but I protect you and you protect your maddab and your sistah Someday bebe you come back"

I'm heavy and tired again I'm falling and laughing too into the blue night where my body belongs my mother's breast against me

57 Kiikae

The boy's mother squats in front ofhim rubs his legs as he sits on the toilet. The discomfort in his na'au is great as he's kept the shit inside ofhim for days His mother's warm hushes and words of reassurance disappear under the sounds ofthe faucet. She warns that ifhe doesn't go she'll have to take him to the hospital where the doctors will put things up his 'okole and the bathrooms are much colder.

But the boy thinks she's the one who belongs in a hospital. Her arms are ugly with rusty scars and the bruises on her legs never go away because the company of men is more important to her. When they come around the nighttime is messy as the boy can always hear them at the end of the hall. Sometimes they call his sister a little cunt but his mother always lets them come back. Once he asked Akua to give her the worst sickness a boy think of and if He heard this prayer then maybe she'd be the one who needed help.

It takes such control to hold the shit inside. He clenches hard sometimes crossing his legs untiI the sensation passes and he feels good and clean. Like when he vacuums the carpet untiI all the fibers face smoothly in the same direction or Pine-Sols behind the reftigerator everyday after school because there's dirt everywhere.

When the poison in the boy's body makes his breath sour and he's not strong enough to hold the shit inside he squats between tbe banana trees hidden from the sun under their cool leaves. The flies gather around the watery sap that smells green and sticks between his fingers. The hardened shit hurts like a fist as he crumples his face and his lips tremble and drops of blood disappear into the ground.

58 The boy sees a cat watching him closely Piipoki. go! Tza! as he fticks his arm but the cat continues to see. When the shit is covered so no one will find it and his 'okole is wiped clean the boy goes looking for the cat to punish her for showing such disrespect.

59 Uncle Herb and cia Dog

How you gonna ack when cia only ting you got leffo love you is one dog and even he wen bail cuz you one fricken babooze? Everybody tired Herb's shit a1ready Too much work fo have him come visit Allah his wife die his daughtah go mainland She no call, notin So I tell em, Eh Braddah come get good smoke Clyde get cia piilehu going, plenny beeah just cruise He bring uhu, one tako, and Kawe­ das cia dog Okay, honi honi, everybody make nice

Allah he down on six pack, he telling me how he get one no good butchie for one danglrtah and how his wife bettah off dead so she no can see how tings wen tum out so poba Clyde try fo make jokes, maJie maJie but Herb get cia eyes, ah, like he going rip out our fricken troats I tell em, Brab, I wen help breas feed dat girl so I no like hea how she one good fo notin Las I heard she was one cop wit one good girlfriend so I don't know what you fucken crying about

Ho cia eyes still burning Den Kawe wen come lick my hands so I give em one b-i-i-g hug Herb wen fly up and grab em by cia troat den hold em ovah cia lanai Fucken nuts! Going, "You like me drop dis dog!" "Hal You like me fucken drop em!" I look Kawe's eyes Da buggah look like one human like was Herb's son tryin fo tell me fo help em Daron had fo tell em cool his fucken jets Allah dat cia dog wen take off up cia coffee land to cia neighbah's house He dig out everytime Herb's truck come up cia road

60 Untitled

In my two year old memory so much of our days along the sea was like drifting with you on your surfboard past the heillu, or tiIIling asleep while the kerosene light burned low and the blood in my ears pulsed like the nighttime. But I don't remember when you broke mom's fuce open. In all the photos the two ofyou look free and beautiful Days of beating laundry on the rocks and shooting mongoose through holes in the floor But I know you hurt her She told me

When she went back to the beach from Kona Hospital with her jaw wired, scabs under her soft hair and a resolve to move into the mountains without you you grabbed me and ran barefoot into the deep keawe trees and undergrowth and stayed there overnight, holding me close to your skin so that we became very much alike While the police searched the highway and the pu'uhonua Mom laughed and said they'd never find you, that the thorns and 'a'ii were as nothing because the land gave birth to you

When you walked up from the boats with your spear and greeted the Hale 0 Ho 'oponopono boys with a handshake that went whap! and plenty offuck words I listened and watched closely When you dug the lua in your malo I tied toilet paper around my ule and stuck some up my ass to look like you and walked across the stone wall until you noticed

Once we became people ofthe mountain and left you at the sea you found new women, all haole who wanted the postcard romance but got beat up instead When one called you a rapist and tried pulling some Blood & Orchids bullshit with her money and connections, Mom scraped her fuce across the road and put an end to that

61 So you disappemed to Honolulu for a while and Mom told me to be my own man but when I saw Conan tire Barbarian at the Na'aIehu Theater I thought Arnold Schwarzenegger was you and told everyone how important you were

You told your new wife (who called Pua a little pig, who snorted cocaine at your wedding and offered Mom some just after CPS let us move back in) that when I was a baby and very ill you sucked the snot from my nose with your mouth to let me breathe: your proof to someone who didn't know that you were the kind of man you couldn't escape Then you beat her and she took your new son to Minnesota but promised to let him visit ifyou sent lots of money (you gave me two pairs of pants and a paperweight when I was little) but she never did and sixteen years later at my college graduation you blamed Mom because she told your ex that you kidnapped me a long time ago

You called yesterday to say happy birthday but I let the voicemai1 answer You sounded somber and when you said I love you you knew I wouldn't call back What should we talk about?

But I can be thankful to you When you took me to kahuna man Hean to be named, he wanted to teach you the ancient ways but you said that you weren't akamai enough to learn them and not to waste time on you because all such talent went into your son and when the time came, you let the kalnma man spit into my mouth severaI times as he prayed in between

62 North ofKi1auea

A bright shining gather of white kapa across a mantled breast reclined into the moutain's gravity. As the warm ice pointed to the sun its declarations were sensual and fierce. This is where Goddesses of dead fires and hidden lakes, deep enough for bathing, find rest on the eastern cliffs. The games of men are spied easily under blessed daylight. These months in the thin air are always theirs. They smell the warm salt of the coast and know its currents; they watch the patterns coil about in the torrents, in the language of the fishes.

On a day when the harvest was of no great importance the adults gathered their children, who thought mostly of passing the school along the highway with laughter and showiness, and filled the truck with hot rice, whiskey and rubbish bags to wrap around our hands and feet.

We followed the cold wind that rushed down through the DohiDa, tracing its source into desolation. We thought of a place of solitude where the clear sky would reflect back under our chins and we could remember something good as a family.

As the rusted flatbed climbed miles past Saddle Road and our playful screams muft1ed under our blankets, I was quiet like the breath that came out of my mouth in silver smoke rings.

The mountain's heaving belly lifted belts of thick cumulus into impossible heaps that I mistook fur soft ice, and I thought fantastic creatures must swim naked inside their foaming tides. And I wanted Uncle Dong to steer us all

63 in his clunky Ford, which smelled of pigs and coffee flesh, into the sky at our feet.

When the first patch of snow, flecked with gravel and a fine powder of earth, appeared near the front tire my sister cried and crawled behind the silence ofthe older children. I darted from the truck before it had stopped and slid my hand into the deep cold until the sensation was familiar.

64 Gun

I had a gun that ate and drank and was sour for many years before it came to me A gift from a lover who said it had a name I couldn't remember what it was Not unti1 it shook and breathed filthy words into my mouth and bled when I fina11y cursed it

It was a sma11 gun that fit into my purse It came with me to secret meetings at hotels and nighttime dea1ings with friends of friends This island is smaIl enough to have strangers people who don't rest because their bad dreams are long They wander like spirits across planes in search of moths and grasshoppers They are always hungry and desperate without warning and I have no time for dangers like these because I have children to feed

I kept this gun bundled tightly in a wooden box next to my bed where it could taste warm bottles of beer and plates offood that sat near it I knew nothing of its appetites unti1 the end It had a stomach that rumbled in my light sleep and made me dream ofuuloved people with fil.ces I didn't recognize They were always sad and wanting forgiveness I couldn't help them and I was ashamed fur it

I've had slippery palms on the gun That was an unreal time when a man I knew wanted to hurt me get into my house get my children in their beds I piled furniture against the door and sat with only eyes that moved The gun grew a skin in the dark scaly like a dried fish It was the first time I spoke to it

65 Sometimes the words were in my mind I told the gun the man's name We called him Braddah D and I said I'd shoot him if he came inside I am always a mother even when I don't seem to be When the dawn came we were safe

For a long time the gun stayed bundled only hungry at night shitting and pissing when no one could see I gave it to my brother in law as a favor to collect gambling debts He promised to use the gun only for show but the gun was stink and seductive and found such a mend in my brother in law it shook with excitement The gun returned to me fat and heavy and was so satisfied when I put it away it slept soundly and the hou,se was truly quiet When Braddah D was found stuck in the water at Honokohau I was sorry for it and in my thoughts which were streams of choices my kids were taken away and when I died I ate insects at dusk forever and ever

I prayed and when my words reached their loudest I remembered what the gun was called I used its name as I cursed it and spat and wrapped it in ki leaves I took the gun to the beach at Ka'ohe then paddled out to where the sea is more than twenty fathoms The gun sat bundled at my feet and when I thought ofthose it had tom down I was happy that it ended in my belonging And when I felt such satisfaction the water around the bundle turned pink as it bled When I was finally rid of the thing I kept my eyes on the shore and thought of my son and dmJgbter and their clean clothes

66 Tiitii C1ara Returns

Only TUtii Clara saw the hO'ailona: a pueo of the kind not seen in Kona hovering over the hale in the night sky, and as a woman ofHiIo she returned to her moku, telling the hipai women of the village not to follow. Tiitii traveled the northern route through Jrllmiikua where the placid calls ofWaipi'o could be nearest to her. In times long past she carried kalo through the valley, felt the mana sourced in its cliffs protect her Dohana from the angry sea, and sent the shark man away with her bold fists. When Tiitii died and the heavens bent low fur her soul an affectionate rain came to Honmmm! and some good people caught the pikake perfumed water as a keepsake.

67 Autumn

Karen daughters are clean enough for miracles, my father said. Like women in the Bible. So I was Karen. When I was four my mother wrote my name on a clean paper napkin, the pen letters, pressed firm1y in controlled script came through to the other side

If anything happens to me Paul, Karen, and Claire are at 208 Currant Drive with Janelle Lee Please keep them together I did my best

The police found the napkin in a car wreck, arrested Janelle for prostitution. We were put in a home for boys and girls which was a dry place with thick walls that laughed when I dug my nai1s into its grain. At down time none ofus slept. Our dreams were of drowning of alone places at the edge of things where big people loose hold of you or let go. The dry house listened to my stories and asked questions about the past and the men who knew me. I found knots in the wood and spoke into them. When I said I wet my prettiest dresses every time my father lifted me off the ground the house said that it was sorry (it had heard plenty of girls tell stories like that) and burned itself down swallowing my birth certificate and clothes. The fire was warm for a long time.

I was Karen for many years but the black girls in south Piedmont called me Bit and I preferred that. In time everyone called me Bit which was best for me to remember but Aunt Pearl and her holy rolling phone calls not on birthdays, not on Christmas

68 put Karen back in my mind and in her talk about my salvation from the dangers and vices ofthe mud people who infected my judgmeot and spread wildly I saw myself always an onion yellowing with rot around its core so I changed my phone number.

Mickey, a large breasted Umpqua girl who held my hand or gently scratched my arms with her smooth fingernails after we shot heroin said I had the fire presence of autunm and witch power in my red hair like the women in oldeo times so I changed my name when the months changed and the closest family respected this. The others--they had narrow eyes and spidery lines around their pursed lips and looked nothing like us-they drifted away with the Almighty and bastard surnames.

On a night of forgetting and remembering I slept in the cold shadow of the moon and when I dreamed, the weight of my bones anchored me in a river where the current was weak and the silt of living rose up choking into my mouth. I was a child and the truck man smelling of sweaty diesel and pine zips his pants and gives me chocolate because I am good. I was a child and Uncle Bob lies in my bed which isn't big enough for him and brushes my hair in the dark and says before leaving, "This is all a dream." I curse loudly in my sleep and the blue hour stirs clean light.

I am a great tailed grackle riding on the heat of my burning house with eyes that see the sea golden, lit from the horizon. The wind against me is strong and speaks the bad talk that keeps my body small and falling but my resolution is smooth. I beat the current aside with bad talk of my own

69 and across the golden sea a mountain ofiron appears round in fertility an enlightened place where the people speak a language of fire where the world is naked and alive and when I go I will bathe with trees watching me unashamed.

When I am Autumn the lines on my palms will cut changing paths in my skin as rivers with exhausted origins do.

70 Night Driving

I wake up before mom comes in. She must have been talking to herself. Pua is curled and warm. When mom lifts her she opens her eyes, mumbles and grinds her teeth, but I know she's sti11 dreaming. I feel I'm dreaming too. We leave the door unlocked, our shoes behind. Earth and pieces of wet grass cling to our feet.

The dark highway passes underneath, droning like electricity. I try to stay awake, watch mom from the backseat. When the lights shine from the car and the sky I can see her eyes. We could drive away with everything. She doesn't need TV or bills or boyfriends. My sister puts her head in my lap and I stroke her head, which leaves my fingers with an oily sweetness.

The car slows to a groan as we turn down to Napo'op'o. It rumbles in my stomach which is full of patience. We're flying filS! down the side of the dark mountain. The wind fills the car with the safe smell of mom's hair. I watch the black telephone wires overhead droop and stretch. Though I'm mesmerized it's not enough to fall asleep because I need to watch over her. If she cries I need to hear it and say don't worry It's just between us.

71 on this road ofthe gods

72 The Ftsh Eye

I swallow the fish eye in the light from a dark of pit smoke and kerosene with beer and Uncle Dong's laughter, "Eat em boy. Good fa da sight. Good for da ule. Make pleny bebes. Dey smell da fish eye and da womens bum you wit da fire between deah legs." When we sleep the ule travels at night fast and deliberate through soft fern and the warm scent of passion fruit. All the men around me laugh.

I swallow the fish eye to see in the dark. I see ends of black roads with owl eyes that lamp from the inside. I see through clothes and skin to watch the blood carry life into every cell. I exchange knowledge with the dark earth that speaks with a shark's tongue and unfolds its legs to show me a black sky guilded by toothy flesh and a backbone that paths to where souls go. When I am old and my thousand senses have dulled I smell my mother's red light bum in the early morning and a big rain comes through my tin root: fills the room, the cracks in my skin, carries me to the water at Honaunau where Auntie Helen will carry me in her shark's mouth to the western sky.

I swallow the fish eye and the seas ignite sending mounds of coral and slime up to the sky with the prayers of grand nature riding on the heat of the earth. The pigs gore the ground, grunting madly, threshing roots ofthe velvet leat: the deep walls of the fire tree. They teem, squealing over mountains and pulse through valleys and dig until the black rock. Birds gather like smoke to eclipse the sun. They scream and defecate

73 covering golf courses and condos, abc stores and churches. Their wings strike the earth with winds that scour until the black rock. After the seven cycles ofthe moon the fishes cry and fill the empty seas for the sleep will be long, dreams will be long, and the guilty are punished in a fat hen while the children of the sea iftheir minds are clean and it's in their ways to speak into the tides find themselves transmuted with foresight, bounty, and all that can be gleaned this bone knowledge underneath the clouds.

I swallow the fish eye and I am dead, cruising Kailua in late December, the lights glint of my bowl, my spear, my walkman. I go to the shore because I know when daylight returns. I saw it in a dream of arcane knowledge. When I reach the stone wall pressed against the water I sit on my side, the coral pressing into my skin and listen to the spirits gathered in an unbroken line which throbs gently across beaches and salty cliffs. Some of us stand anticipating the light and the life to explode from the mountain, the ground, the cosmic vacuum that will bury its dewy stars into the earth's soft flesh. Some ofus canse mischief with one another and laugh like when we were alive, eat our plenty and wait in the darkness.

I swallow the fish eye and I write this poem which grows slippery in my fingers. It flips and bends its muscular pages and will swim away when I let go.

Coral polyps emerge from the wetness. The loulou wakes the soil and the sand thickens with beach vitex that speaks as everything speaks

74 with the words of minerals. cblorophyl, animal bones. They write the Book ofLife, the Book of Survival long before Descartes and the Bible.

I swallow the fish eye with a cup of red MaIolo syrup and sand. The men around me laugh, rocking themselves on wood stumps and coolers of beer. Sometimes they recede into the brown night. Eat eml they shout. No chew, just eat eml With the fish eye the ule comes strong enough to pass through the fire between a woman's legs and this is how I will grow plenty of cbildren who I will nurture with the calm waters of my name and they will be called Kalo of the Land, Dolphin on the Horizon, Feather Lei. I will have spirit eyes seeing many secrets of the world, seeing the future collapse into present knowing and this is passed down in stories of sea people and mountain dwellers. The circle of men is broken by my mother's voice. She pulls me away from the laughter and cooked meat and I walk with her up the road, our hands clasped together. When I ask about the fire between a woman's legs she tells me there is no such thing. The fish eye stares in the dark of my stomach. When it murmurs I hear it in my sleep and my mouth is filled with water.

75 HaIa

The Hina sun burned on the water by the period of end silence for hoDoponopono bad taken the entire day. The son, the daughter, and their mother found forgiveness. Not the kind that forgets wrongs and buries them like seeds with only the voice to say I forgive you, your apology is accepted. This kind offorgiveness germinates in the soils of adulthood to make bad sleep and bitter mouths. And what kind offorgiveness is this?

The net that bound them together fathoms wide, deepened by years bad captured many in its fibers-- lovers certainly, and so many were these that sometimes their names were no longer remembered. These were men who could not be kind as their worlds were violent and full of suspicion. Children were in the net too witnesses to the struggles that the lonely ones create between themselves. Animals struggled alongside them just the same neglected, the hungry ones without say. God is in the net and all the mlmakua because that was the way ofthis family and though the son, the daughter, and their mother did not call upon them by their first names forgotten in the time of Christ their wisdom was sought in their prayers which were many this day so that guidance would be given and the blessings would be strong in the house and at the four comers or their mother's body which was fat on the sickness of guilt. For it was her unrestful sleep, as these nights were thick with sweat and omens, and the rusty blood of her vagina that brought her children quickly home.

She held a crucifix and a jar of her children's pikos. Though the son did not worship the Almighty not since the days when the Painted Church was more than a tourist attraction he held reverence in his heart this day for his commitment to hoDoponopono was certain and because his guilt was that ofhoDokano.

76 Indeed he denied many times his mo'okii'auhau bemnse his mother's poor decisiolIS had often spoiled the blood. But the blame was not entirely hers. She was a good, hard working woman, honest to strangers but not to herself so her son hated their life together and even blamed the 'lUna for their grief until the three moved to a haole town far away, a distance so great that their ears no longer heard the language ofthe land, such was their misfortune. For many years the son told his mother to forget the past and bemuse the son had moved to Honolulu where a great many noises traveled with such haste to make confusion, it was easy for him to do. The daughter tried to forget too and said many times all is forgiven but rightness did not come to her.

As the day progressed, Aunty Helen who led the hoDoponopono as her sight and aloha were limitless, peeled back the layers ofthe mother's dreams as they were recognized by all as ho'ai!ona and found the wood inside rotten and so rife with gui1t that their seeds had grown large in the mother's womanly parts. When confronted with the nature ofthe dreamwork the mother cried heavily through her nose and stomach. She was sorry for the neglect and though her children twice denied it because they had grown to laugh at the pi1ikia they were quieted when the grief that had followed obediently after them became undeniable. Indeed her children were caught in swift streams of misjudgement because they were lonely. Their mother worried that the men she had brought home, as she was always interested in companionship, had done bad things to her daughter and asked many times ifher son protected his sister because he was always watching. The more he reassured their mother that indeed he cooked for his sister, washed her clothes, and kept her from harm the harder their mother cried. But these were tears of relief The daughter cried too and reassured their mother that nothing so ternble through the grace of God had happened, and remembered her own tumult that she had brought so often to their lives.

77 She was kolohe for its own sake­ taking drugs, stealing, crashing cars. Since she bad a child of her own now she was fun of discipline and for hoDoponopono no one doubted her sincerity for the spirit ofthe thing.

When the sun angled from the horizon the cords between the three loosened and their anxieties and fears that stong their souls became rubbish. Aunty Helen prayed for the last of the daylight to take their troubles in its great hands. They were quiet together, looked upon each other without embarrassment or things bidden and ate the slippery limu kala

78 79