Joseph: Why He Forgave A Dysfunctional Family! Genesis 45:1-11 Compass of Salinas/Marina Life Group Discussions June #3

1. Read Genesis 50:14-21 • Summarize in a few sentences the action and the main characters.

2. This is a miracle story as much as healing the sick, maybe more so because it is about forgiving very UNDESERVING people! Underline the most important sentence in this quote. Before you tell Joseph that he should forgive his family because Jesus said so, remember what they did to him. They were in fact the most dysfunctional family in the Bible. If it were today, the people who would be in Joseph’s family would be Dennis Rodman, Martin Sheen, Ozzy Osborn, all the Lohans, Woody Allen, Britney Spears, and Bing Crosby. And I say Bing Crosby because the world loved him and thought he was wonderful. But that was his public face. At home, to his children, he was cruel, domineering, and degrading. Two of his sons committed suicide because of him. The best definition of a dysfunctional family is this: “The people who are supposed to love you and support and encourage you the most, are actually the ones who hurt you the most.” Joseph’s father Jacob was not the best. He was unskilled as a dad. He did things that turned Joseph’s brothers against him. He created conflict in the family. He made Joseph’s brothers work in the field while Joseph ate dates and watched TV. He gave Joseph Armani clothes - - an expensive coat - - while his brothers got secondhand stuff. The Bible says: “Joseph’s brothers hated him because their father loved him more than them. They could not say anything nice to him.” (Genesis 37:4) His brothers beat him up, they sold him as a slave to Egypt, and then they lied to their father, saying that a wild animal had killed Joseph. Joseph ends up in an Egyptian dungeon. 13 of the best years of his life are wasted - - spent as a slave and a prisoner. Why? Because his dysfunctional father, who by the way thought he was a good parent, created conflict and bad feelings, even hate, between his children. Jacob did that. He is the cause but he thinks he is innocent. Put yourself in Joseph’s shoes: would you forgive such a family that hurt you so much? I’m only saying that the hardest forgiveness to give is to your own family when they are toxic and cause you so much hurt. Mary Karr, who writes about her own dysfunctional mother, a mother who was as toxic as they come, Karr says this: “A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.” The Liars Club Some of us are in a dysfunctional family and don’t know it because we think what happens in our family is normal. We’re use to it. Whatever we get used to, becomes normal. Here are the characteristics of dysfunctional families: • Lots of conflict • A parent pitting people against each other • Lying • Family members talking behind your back • Grudges and bringing up the past • Myth making – our family is fine! • Honesty about family drama is forbidden • Parents use guilt to control you • One parent plays the ‘victim’ and innocent • Denial is normal • You are the problem, not me! • Underline the most important sentence and say why it is so in your opinion.

• What do you think of the Karr quote? Is it true or not true, and why?

• “Some of us are in a dysfunctional family and don’t know it….because we think what happens in our family is normal. We are used to these behaviors so we don’t see anything dysfunctional. Whatever we get used to becomes normal.” It that true? Could we be dysfunctional and not know it because we are so used to our own behavior?

• How would we ever know we are dysfunctional if we come from a dysfunctional family?

3. Consider this: But then comes one of the biggest surprises in the Bible - - Joseph forgives his family. He blesses them with land and homes in Egypt. They expected revenge. He has every right to get revenge. They’ve always been a family that goes for revenge. So why does Joseph forgive his dysfunctional family? Forgiving is the only way to heal. The alternative is to hold a grudge and keep the wound open. Years before his family came to Egypt looking for grain, Joseph names his 1st son Ephraim, which means “I have forgotten.” It means I forgive. It means I do not hold a grudge. It means I won’t bring up the past the next time we meet. Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your head! Unless we forgive and let the past go, we carry the anger from the past in our heart. And the more anger we carry around in our heart, the less we enjoy life. That’s just a fact. No one can be happier than their thoughts. You can’t climb uphill by thinking downhill thoughts! Rehearsing your anger, rehearsing your case against people over and over is downhill thinking. Diana Athill, when she was in her 90’s, wrote a book she titled Somewhere Near The End. In it she asks this question: What will you remember if you live to 100? Most people will remember how people have hurt them…don’t be in that group! Remember: Every time you forgive, you disappoint the devil! • What is the most important or challenging sentence and say why it is.

• Give at least 2 reasons forgiving is often very hard and people refuse to do it.

• Think of some hard cases: rape, murder, drunk driver killing a family member. It would be a colossal blunder to say to such a person: “You must forgive because the Bible tells us to forgive.” So…….in a few sentences what would you do with a friend who refuses to forgive something really bad a person did? What ideas does this quote give you? Actually list them.

4. Consider this quote: But let’s be crystal clear on this: Forgiving does not mean we tolerate toxic behavior. We can forgive but draw boundary lines. The devil loves it when we refuse to forgive. It gives him an open door into our heart. Every time you forgive, you disappoint the devil! Always. Revenge is always toxic behavior. We become just like the person we resent. Why forgive toxic people? Because it’s the fairest thing you can do for you! No one can forget what they refuse to forgive. Memories torment us unless we forgive. Oprah interviewed a woman who had been horribly treated by dysfunctional parents. She had forgiven them. Oprah was amazed. She asked: Why did you forgive them of such terrible things? The woman said: “Because I only live once.” I know many of us have suffered terrible things but I have too. It’s the backstory in my life. Very hurtful things. I have lived the struggle to forgive that you face. I too have resisted forgiving some people. I had to stop listening to myself and start talking to myself!!! I had to take my thoughts by the throat and say: “You can’t forget what you won’t forgive. You can’t be healed of what you will not forgive. Mike, do you want to be healed? Then let it go…” Forgiving is not a feeling. It’s a choice to be healed. Dante, the epic poet, famously said in The Inferno: “People create hell on earth by living in the past.” • What is the best sentence or most challenging?

• How is forgiving “the fairest thing you can do for you?”

• How is Dante right? Explain why he is right about refusing to forgive.

• (Private so be honest)What hurtful memory do you keep re-living? Something someone did maybe years ago, and occasionally you still play the memory tapes and feel the hurt and pain all over again. Who? What?

• You don’t have to say who or what it is, but exactly what in this study are you willing to apply and forgive……for YOUR own sake? What applies?

5. Consider this: Joseph was able to forgive because the more you understand a person, the more understanding you become. Joseph thought about his dad’s parents. They both lied a lot even to each other. Jacob’s mother made him her favorite son and then taught him how to lie to her husband, his dad, and to trick him into giving him the inheritance that should have been his brother’s. And Joseph’s grandfather and grandmother lied a lot too, and his grandmother also spoiled Isaac. His father’s grandparents and great-grandparents both created dysfunctional families. Jacob was only an echo of them. And so were his brothers. They were all an echo of the previous generations. And that’s the thing about dysfunctional families: They pass dysfunctional behavior on to the next generation. They actually train their children to be dysfunctional without knowing it. Dysfunctional in attitudes and behavior. Only then did Joseph wake up and say: The pain, the toxic behavior stops with me. I will not pass it on to my children! And he made up his mind to break the family chain by being the 1st person in 3 generations to forgive, to not replicate his parent’s behavior. To bury the hatchet. He became a spiritual leader because he went 1st. That’s what it means to be a leader. No matter how the others in his family behaved, he made up his mind to stop. To be the 1st to go the other way. Surely I’m speaking to someone here…someone who knows that they need to be a Joseph. Anyone need to make up your mind to stop behaving like you have for years and stop being normal in your family. What is that for you? You’ve got to make up your mind. • What is the point of that quote. How might it apply to someone you know who is offensive or hurtful? Always remember: People behave the way they do for a reason, and…..you are not always the reason!

6. Consider this quote about living with dysfunctional people: Stop taking the bait! Stop being their puppet on a string! I love the story Bruce Larson tells about himself. His mother was 83 when she died. She was a good woman who spent her life volunteering and serving people. There was just one problem - - she never affirmed or encouraged her son. Whatever Bruce did was never enough to get even the smallest amount of praise from her. He said he spent a lifetime carrying home his trophies looking for praise from his mother - - whether it was a book he had just written or an article that had been written about him or some award he had received. Invariably she would look at it and not say very much. And just as predictably he would feel angry and very sorry for himself. He would let her behavior affect him. He would “take the bait.” You can’t change people in your family. You can’t change anyone…except yourself. It’s so important to come to the place where we can accept…what is. Our reactions are our choices. If we react badly, it’s because we’ve taken the bait. We have allowed ourself to be their puppet on a string. Joseph accepts the reality that his dad has not changed and is not going to change. His dad, Jacob, in fact embarrasses Joseph when he’s introduced to Pharaoh. His dad complains that his years have been “few” - - for gosh sakes he’s 130 years old! Few? But that’s Jacob - - a complainer, the one who plays a victim always. And he says a lot of bad things have happened to him and he’s feeling sorry for himself. Jacob is still the same old self-centered, full of self-pity guy that he’s always been. He embarrasses Joseph in front of Pharaoh. But Joseph doesn’t confront him. Why? Because he knows he cannot change his dad. He can’t change anyone. So he accepts reality. He refuses to waste his life trying to control people or to change people who don’t want to change. Instead - - he forgives and lets go of his expectations. Forgive and let go of our expectations? Why? Because it’s the only way to live happily with a dysfunctional family! • What does Joseph teach us in this quote in how he copes with his father?

• Expectations: They are one of biggest misery makers and conflict makers in life. Why?

• Honestly, is there someone you have expectations of, which they are not meeting, and is upsetting to you? Can you share that with your group, maybe without names and talk about what this study is calling you to do. What’s you plan? Seriously. What’s your plan?

Pray for each other.