SURVIVING a DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY Genesis 25-27 (First in a Series of Sermons on the Family)
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SUIJECT------------------- E.F·~ --=~--- CLASSIFICATION: TEXT-_::G~en~e~s~is;;._;;2~5--2~7 - - EXPOSITORY --BIOGRAPHICAL TITLm-E-'_.'S..,U._.R~Yi..11..iVul...,NL,>,G........,A~D~Y.::!S:.:.F.::!U~N~C~T~l:.::::O:.:;N:.:.AL=-~F.:.:AM=IL::Y..:._" --TEXTUAL --TOPICAL SCRIPTURE - --DEVOTIONAL DELIVERIES: Hour F.B.C. 6-15-94 Weds. p. m San Angelo, TX (XXX+++); BIBLIOGRAPHY--------------------------------- Vol. 9, No. 7 s July, 1993 SURVIVING A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY Genesis 25-27 (First in a Series of Sermons on the Family) Nowhere in life is there such a gap perceptions, thoughts, wants,- and especially between what we dream of having and negative feelings by not talking about them what we actually experience as in our and acting as if they do not exist. .!:::--" family life. The myth of the white picket INCOMPLETION: Family members fence still prevails in the minds of many never complete transactions but instead people as they approach marriage and keep the same fights and disagreements establish their new home. They look for a going for years. mate with whom they can establish * UNRELIABll..ITY: No one ever gets a perfect marriage which will produce their needs met, so the trust level is very perfect children and which will provide low. perfect fulfillment. When these traits appear in a We do not have to look far or listen family, John Bradshaw says, you have a long to realize that most homes don't turn dysfunctional family unit. out that. We have a name for what Let me share two conclusions I have happens in most of our homes today. We after a lifetime of studying God's call them dysfunctional families. John word and after more than a quarter of Bradshaw, one of our day's most popular century of sharing in the lives of families spokesmen on the family, describes some as a of the common characteristics of a Conclusion number one is this: dysfunctional amily: every family is dysfunctional to a certain * Someone controls all degree. I love the guy who said, "The only interactions, feelings and personal be av·or perfect man I ever knew was my wife's at all times. :f/£ first husband" No person is perfect, and * Everyone must consequently, no home is perfect. Every always be right in everything they do. family is dysfunctional to some degree. * Whenever things don't Conclusion number two is this: this turn out as planned, family members blame has always been true. when we go themselves or others. back to the beginning and study the very * They deny feelings, first families that existed, we see that every Brian's Lines 6 July, 1993 family was dysfunctional to a cenain God made each one of us unique, with degree. It was true of the family of Adam different needs and different desires and and Eve and Cain and Abel. Perhaps, an different When members of a even clearer example, is the family of Isaac family are not able to merge those and Rebekah and Jacob and Esau. differences into a workable unity, or when It's hard to imagine a family that they are not able to tolerate the differences, had a better beginning than theirs. Yet, as the family becomes a battle . we study Genesis 25-27, we discover that A third problem is MISDIRECTED this family which started so well took a AFFECTION. In verse 28, we see one of wrong turn. This marriage made in heaven the most telling insights about the problems became a dysfunctional family. of Isaac' s family. The biblical writer said, "Now Isaac loved Esau, because he had a he Reasons taste for game, t Rebekah loved Jacob." Healthy families grow in the context Why all families dysfunctional of unconditional love. Unconditional love to some We find some answers in says, "I love you because of who you are, the experience of this ancient family. not because of how you act or because of One problem is the PRESSURES OF what you do for me." Unconditional love is Notice verse 21: Isaac often replaced by conditional love. We love prayed to the Lord on behalf of his wife, those in the family who are like us and because she was barren." To desire a child those who meet our needs. and not be able to have one is only one of That's what we see in Isaac' s a thousand different circumstances and family. Esau was like Isaac and best met disappointments which add pressures to a his needs, so Isaac loved Esau more than marriage. It was true of Isaac and Rebekah. Jacob. Jacob was like Rebekah and best And it has been true of every since met her needs, so Rebekah loved Jacob that time. Because the husband/wife more than Esau. Such misdirected affection relationship is the chief component of the communicates a false understanding of our relationship, and the of the own self-worth and a false of how marriage determines the health of the a healthy relationship is to work. families, when husbands and wives cannot A fourth problem is WRONG deal with the pressures of marriage, the CHOICES. Esau and Jacob illustrated entire family system is affected. that in verses When Esau came in A _second problem is THE from hunting and saw Jacob's stew, he DIFEERE C S PEOPLE. When Isaac asked for som cause he starving. At prayed about his wife's barrenness, God at point, Jacob made a wrong choice. He answered his prayer. Rebekah became saw his brother as someone to rather pregnant with twins. The Biblical writer than someone to So Jacob said, describes these twins in 27: 'Esau, I'll give you a of stew if you the boys grew up, Esau became a skillful · give me your birthright." At that point, hunter, a man of the field; but Jacob was sau made a wrong choice. He saw his a peaceful man, living in tents." birthright as a tool for barter rather than as Two siblings in the family and they a sacred responsibility. Imperfect people were just as different as they could be. make wrong choices, and wrong choices They were different in their appearance, in cause hurt, distort understanding, and their interests, and in their aspirations. destroy relationships. Truth of the matter, all of us different. These arc samples of the kinds of Brian's Lines 7 July, 1993 things every family experiences. So how up and down when someone you don't can we survive a dysfunctional family? know is thrown out stealing second base." A mother noticed her teenage The Remedy daughter heading out the front door. The mother said, "Your hair looks like a mop." step is to BE REAUSTIC Her daughter responded, "What's a mop?" ABOUT UFE. A lady struggled to Another teenage girl asked the clerk get on a bus with seven children. The bus at the store, "Can I return this outfit if my driver asked, "Are these children all yours, parents like it?" or is this a picnic?" The woman responded, Those pictures illustrate the "They are all mine, and it ain't no picnic." differences, not just between people but Being a member of a family is no picnic. between categories of people. Some things Instead it is a demanding, confusing, are more important to men than to women challenging, exhausting undertaking. We and vice versa. Some things are more need to be realistic about what family life important to parents than to young people is and what it demands of us. and vice versa. One is not right and the 1f.~3;'f8 The second step is to DEVELOP other wrong. They are just different. To YOURSELF. One of the most damaging experience a degree of health in a world of concepts in family life today is the concept dysfunctional families, we need to only that sees as two half-people understand these differences. We must also coming together into one whole person. accept them. When two half-people come together it is A fourth step is to DEAL not a relationship; it is an entrapment. YOUR PAST. first, I was going to say, One of the most destructive ailments "Learn to forgive." But there is more to it in family life today is co-dependence. Co than that. Sometimes an easy forgiveness dependence is a loss of one's inner reality does not really deal with the past, it only and an addiction to and a dependence on submerges it for awhile, only to have it some outer reality. come back in the future. need to Co-dependence means to depend on honestly face our past before we can someone else for our well-being, for our forgive it. We must recognize our past self-worth, for our joy, and for our before we can re ease it. meaning in life. The answer for co Lewis Smedes calls forgiveness "the dependence is individuals within the family hardest trick in the whole bag of personal who will develop the physical, intellectual, relationships." It happens inside a storm of spiritual and emotional potential God has complex emotions. This x process placed within them. The motive of this sually includes these steps. h est development is the desire to have acknowledgement of the situatio an something to give to the relationship. attempt to unde nd the context and the The third step is to THE circumstances, of damage DIFFERENCES BEI'WEEN PEOPLE. done and the hurt experienced, A husband walked into the den one of the emotions of hurt and ange a day as his wife was watching her favorite conversation with the person to be forgiven, soap opera.