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“Abstinence is a choice, and it’s a choice every day,

TEST YOUR one day at a time. The 3RELATIONSHIP IQ decisions you make True or False? today will directly 1. Forty-three percent of first end in separation impact your tomorrow. or . TRUE: Marriages can have financial Choosing abstinence and relationship difficulties that cause conflict within the . means choosing to take 2. No form of birth control is control of your destiny.” 100 percent reliable. TRUE: Barrier and other methods that are designed to prevent preg- nancy can and do fail. Abstinence from sex is the only 100 percent —A.C. Green, effective way to prevent . former L.A. Lakers player and current 3. People who grow up in author, speaker, and youth mentor dysfunctional will not be able to adjust and succeed in life. Abstinence Advocacy FALSE: Life is full of decisions. Explain Several individuals and groups have voiced their support Teens who grow up in dysfunctional for abstinence from sex before marriage. Research one of these families can choose a more health- groups or individuals and explain their reasons for supporting this ful path that will help them become choice. Do you agree or disagree with their opinion? Write your successful. response in your journal, and explain why you agree or disagree.

LESSON 13 LESSON 14 LESSON 15 Developing Healthful Adjusting to Family Changes Examining Dating Family Relationships and Friendships

132 UNIT 3 • Family and Social Health AP/Wide World Photos EVALUATING MEDIA MESSAGES

WHAT’S YOUR VERDICT? To evaluate this advertisement, use the criteria for analyzing and evaluating health messages delivered through media and technology that you learned in Unit 1.

Visit tx.healthmh.com/statistics to find regularly updated statistics on teen marriages. Using the information provided, determine the answer to this question: What percentage of teen marriages fail? Visit tx.healthmh.com/your_health_checklist to use , an interactive tool that helps you determine your health status.

LESSON 16 LESSON 17 LESSON 18 Practicing Abstinence from Sex Recognizing Harmful Relationships Preparing for Marriage and Parenthood

UNIT 3 • Family and Social Health 133 Vincent Besnault /Getty Images Developing Healthful Family Relationships

• I will develop healthful family relationships. • I will work to improve difficult family relationships. our family has a lot of influence on you. You learn ways of interact- ing from family members. This lesson focuses on family relation- 13 Yships. You will examine the role of and other family What You’ll Learn members. You will learn about skills and behaviors that are taught 1. Describe the roles of parents in healthful families. You will learn about difficult family and guardians in promoting a relationships and ways to improve them. healthful family. (p. 135) 2. Discuss the roles of members in promoting a healthful family. (p. 135) 3. Explain twelve behaviors and skills children learn in healthful families. (p. 136) 4. Discuss ten causes of dysfunctional family relationships and identify steps to improve these relationships. (p. 140) 5. Discuss ten behaviors of codependent people. (p. 143) 6. Discuss the purposes of recovery programs. (p. 146) Why It’s Important You can be a loving family member. ACT: choose healthful Actions, Commit to being loving, and pledge Time. k Key Terms • family • healthful family • dysfunctional family • affection • work ethic Writing About Values What family values have your parents or • abandonment guardian taught you? Suppose a classmate asked you to do something • enmeshment that would conflict with family values. What would you do? Why might • interdependence you want to seek advice and feedback from your parents or guardian? • recovery program After reading the information on pages 136–139 about the skills parents • Alateen or guardians teach their children in healthful families, write a response to this situation in your health journal.

134 UNIT 3 • Family and Social Health Health TEKS covered by Lesson 13: 5D, 7J, 8A, 9A, 9B, 12A, 13D, 13F, 15A, 16A, 16B Peter Barrett/Masterfile he basic unit of society is a family. It is the group of persons to which we belong. Extended family members are the members of a Tfamily in addition to parents, , and . An extended family may include: stepparents, stepbrothers, stepsisters, half-brothers, half-sisters, , , , , nephews, and nieces. Some families include people who are not related by blood, marriage, or other legal procedure as members of their families. What to Know About Family Roles A healthful family is a family that Role of grandparents Grandparents practices skills that promote loving, reinforce the behaviors and skills responsible relationships. Healthful taught by parents and guardians. family relationships are ones that Some grandparents help raise their have a positive effect on physical and grandchildren. Some children might emotional health. In healthful fami- live with their grandparents, who lies, parents and guardians teach their assume direct responsibility for children these behaviors and skills: teaching children the behaviors and self-respecting behavior; healthful skills listed on this page. attitudes; effective communication; a Role of other family members Other clear sense of values; responsible deci- family members practice the behav- sion making; ways to resolve conflict; iors and skills taught by parents, effective skills; ways to delay guardians, and grandparents. They gratification; ways to express affection help each other interact in loving and and integrate love and sexuality; how responsible ways. to give and receive acts of kindness; a work ethic; and respect for authority. The Family Continuum Role of parents and guardians Parents and guardians teach their The Family Continuum shows two children the behaviors and skills extremes of family life. Studying these listed above. They teach by (1) setting two extremes—ideal and dysfunc- an example, (2) having discussions, tional—is an important way to learn (3) expecting behaviors and skills to about relationships. A dysfunctional be practiced, and (4) enforcing conse- family is a family that does not pro- quences when they are not. mote loving, responsible relationships. 9A (covered on page 135): Describe the roles of...family members in promoting a healthy family. The family continuum indicates the degree to which a Quick Quiz: family promotes skills needed for loving, responsible Dysfunctional Ideal What are the roles of relationships. Eight out of ten families rank in the Family Family parents, grandparents, and middle of the continuum. They are not ideal, but other family members in neither are they completely dysfunctional. promoting a healthy family?

tx.healthmh.com/family_relationships LESSON 13 • Developing Healthful Family Relationships 135 (tt)Photodisc/Getty Images he connections a person has with family members are family relationships. Family relationships have an Teffect on a person’s mental, emotional, and social health. What influences family relationships? Parents and guardians are the primary influence. They play the most direct role in teaching behaviors and skills to their children. Sometimes others—grandparents, foster parents, or other adults—play this role. How do you learn behaviors and skills from parents, guardians, or other significant adults responsible for guiding the family? What to Know About Healthful Family Relationships Learning self-respecting behavior Learning healthful attitudes toward Treating oneself in healthful and sexuality The definition of sexuality responsible ways is self-respecting is the feelings and attitudes a person behavior. It is an outgrowth of the has about his or her body, sex role, ways you were treated by the adults and relationships. Your sexuality is who raised you. If you received love influenced from birth, when you are and felt accepted, then you began to born either male or female. Your par- feel good about yourself. If you were ents or guardians talk to you about well-cared for, you learned how to take your body and shape your attitudes care of yourself. As a result, you about being male or female. learned how to treat yourself in health- Learning healthful sex roles Parents ful and kind ways. You learned to and guardians influence your sex choose behaviors that would not harm role. A sex role is the behaviors, atti- you. When you learn to treat yourself tudes, values, and beliefs that a par- in healthful and kind ways, you learn ticular cultural group considers to expect the same from others. appropriate for males and females on Learning to the needs of others the basis of their biological sex. Your 9B (covered on page 136): Analyze the Teens raised in a healthful family also parents or guardians helped you dynamics of family roles learn the difference between self- learn about sex roles from a very and responsibilities relating respecting and self-centered behavior. early age. For example, you may have to healthy behavior. Self-centered behavior is an action learned that it is acceptable for males Quick Quiz: Analyze two skills parents that fulfills personal needs with little and females to cry and share feelings. teach their children in fam- regard for the needs of others. Self-cen- You may have learned that males ilies that have healthful tered behavior does not contribute to and females are different, but relationships. healthful family relationships. deserve equal respect. In a healthful

136 UNIT 3 • Family and Social Health Photodisc/Getty Images family, parents or guardians discuss to what they say, and their behavior Make the with their teens. They mirrors what they say. You observe Connection explain the changes in feelings and their everyday behavior. You inter- that accompany puberty. nalize their values and behave in Making Responsible Their openness and sensitivity help similar ways. When you relate to oth- Decisions For more teens understand the changes they ers, you remember these family val- information on making responsible are experiencing and learn how to ues. They become the standard for decisions, see page 61 accept their sexuality. what you think and believe. You will in Lesson 6. have a clear sense of these values for Learning effective communication the rest of your life. skills Skills that help a person share feelings, thoughts, and information Learning to make responsible decisions with others are communication In a healthful family, parents or skills. You first learn communication guardians serve as role models skills within your family. Suppose for decision making. You observe your your parents or guardians use I- parents or guardians using the deci- 15A (covered on page messages to express feelings and lis- sion-making process. They carefully 137): Apply communica- tion skills that demonstrate ten carefully when you speak. Then, evaluate options before deciding what consideration and respect as you begin to copy their way of to do. They weigh the consequences of for self, family, and others. communicating, you develop skills in possible actions. They make responsi- Quick Quiz: communicating with others. Your ble decisions and teach you to do the What are several ways family members and parents or guardians also may same. Parents or guardians expect friends can communicate demonstrate how to express , responsible behavior from their chil- in considerate and sadness, and disappointment in dren. They set guidelines and make respectful ways? healthful ways. Then you learn expectations clear. There are conse- healthful ways to express these emo- quences for breaking family guidelines. tions. In a healthful family, you feel You learn that there always are conse- secure practicing communication quences for unhealthful behavior. This Parents who teach their children to value skills. You use these communication helps you when you are pressured by working hard will skills in other relationships. peers. You think about consequences raise teens who are and say “no” to wrong behaviors. When confident and Learning a clear sense of values A you have difficulty saying “no,” you motivated to succeed. standard or is called a value. A turn to your parents value that is learned within a family or guardians for sup- is called a family value. In port. When you make a healthful family, parents or a mistake, your par- guardians teach their children cer- ents or guardians tain values. For example, your par- help you learn from ents or guardians may value hard the experience. work, honesty, and close family rela- tionships. They behave in ways con- Learning to resolve sistent with these values. They work conflicts A disagree- hard, are honest in their dealings ment between two with others, and spend time with or more people or members of their family. They dis- two or more choices cuss these values with you. You listen is called a conflict.

tx.healthmh.com/family_relationships LESSON 13 • Developing Healthful Family Relationships 137 Photodisc/Getty Images In every relationship there are con- You will learn how to cope during diffi- flicts. In a healthful family, parents times that you may experience or guardians teach their children to later in your life. resolve conflicts in healthful ways. Learning to delay gratification In a They listen to both sides of a dis- healthful family, parents or guar- agreement and work to find an dians teach their children the im- acceptable solution. In a healthful portance of delayed gratification. family, conflicts are resolved without Delayed gratification is voluntarily violence. You learn healthful ways to postponing a reward in order to com- resolve conflicts. The skills you learn plete a task or responsibility before from your family help you to resolve enjoying the reward. If you have conflicts in other relationships. learned to delay gratification, you are patient. You are not tempted to act In healthful families, Learning effective coping skills In immediately. Instead, you see the parents or guardians Lesson 11 you learned the five emo- value in waiting until a more appro- help their children tional responses that people use to develop the confidence priate time. Being able to delay grati- cope with a life crisis. They are: (1) and emotional strength fication is especially important in denying or refusing to believe what is needed to understand relationships. During your teen years why waiting until happening, (2) being angry about what you may experience sexual feelings marriage to have sex is is happening, (3) bargaining or making the right decision. and desires, but it is not appropriate promises, hoping it for you to be sexually active. Waiting will change what until marriage to express intimate is happening, (4) sexual feelings protects your emo- being depressed tional and physical health and follows when you recognize healthful family values. that the outcome is unlikely to change, Learning to express affection and inte- (5) accepting the grate love and sexuality A fond or situation, making tender feeling that a person has adjustments, and toward another person is affection. then, bouncing In a healthful family, parents or back. In a health- guardians teach their children how ful family, parents to express affection. For example, or guardians want your parents or guardians may hug to help their chil- you, kiss you goodnight or good-bye, dren develop emo- or hold you when you are sad. Their tional strength. expressions of warm feelings help They understand you feel loved and help you develop a ways people deal healthful attitude toward showing with a life crisis. affection to loved ones. They also Suppose your par- teach you appropriate ways to ents or guardians express affection. You learn who has encourage you to the right to touch you, when, and share your feelings how. For example, you may allow a during a life crisis. doctor to touch certain parts of your

138 UNIT 3 • Family and Social Health George Shelley/Masterfile body during a physical examination. participating in athletics and However, you learn when it is not extracurricular activities, holding a appropriate for someone to touch part-time job, or doing volunteer your body. In a healthful family, par- work. ents or guardians also teach their Learning to respect authority In a children that sex and love belong healthful family, children learn to together in a committed marriage. respect authority. Authority is the You learn that sex belongs in mar- power and right to apply laws and riage, and you practice delayed grati- rules. Authority is first learned fication of your sexual feelings. within the family. In a healthful fam- Learning to give and receive acts of ily, children respect the authority of kindness In a healthful family, par- their parents or guardians. Parents ents or guardians demonstrate acts or guardians set and enforce of kindness and express thankful- guidelines for behavior. For example, ness. They do kind things for family your parents or guardians may set a members and for other people in the curfew. A curfew is a fixed time community. They accept and are when a person is to be at home. You grateful for acts of kindness from respect your parents or guardians Mini-Review others. As you observe your parents and do not stay out past your curfew. 1. Describe the or guardians giving and receiving, You recognize that if you do, there qualities of a you learn to act in similar ways. You will be consequences. Your parents or healthful family, are willing to give to others and guardians will then use appropriate including the roles express thankfulness. You learn the discipline, such as taking away cer- family members value of giving to others, and you are tain privileges. In a healthful family, play. able to receive kind acts from others. parents or guardians also serve as 2. What are some Giving and receiving are both needed role models for their children. They, ways that a to sustain healthful relationships too, respect authority by obeying healthful family expresses love and throughout life. laws and rules. As you observe their affection towards behavior, you learn to obey laws and Learning a work ethic An attitude of its members and rules set by authority figures, such discipline, motivation, and commit- towards others? as teachers, principals, and police ment toward tasks is a work ethic. officers. In a healthful family, parents or guardians teach their children a strong work ethic. Parents and How to Be a Loving Family Member guardians work hard and serve as role models for their children. As you Family relationships will not be perfect. Yet, the desire to have observe your parents or guardians the best family life possible is worth the effort. Your task is to be displaying a strong work ethic, you the very best family member you can. Consider the following learn to do your best and not give up acronym: ACT when work is challenging. You learn • Action: Choose actions that promote healthful the rewards that result from hard family relationships. work. You learn to demonstrate a • Commitment: Make a commitment to be a loving good work ethic by completing family member. schoolwork, doing chores, • Time: Spend time with your family.

tx.healthmh.com/family_relationships LESSON 13 • Developing Healthful Family Relationships 139 he term dysfunctional family was first used to describe families in which one or more family members had . One or more family members responded to the Tproblem with negative behaviors. As a result, there was dysfunction within the family. Today, the term dysfunctional family includes families who struggle with alcoholism or any of the problems listed in this section. What to Know About Dysfunctional Family Relationships Chemical dependence in the family families where there is . Make the The compelling desire to use a drug Also, is more likely to Connection even though it harms the body, occur in these families. Teens who For more mind, or relationships is called are raised in a family in which there information on chemical dependence, or drug is chemical dependence are at risk addictions, see page . The lives of family mem- for being harmed by violence. They 84 in Lesson 9. bers who are chemically dependent may use to cope with difficult become dominated by the need to situations. They also are more likely obtain and use drugs. to be in trouble with the law. The drugs, in turn, cause changes There is evidence that chemical in thinking and behavior. Often, dependence may be an inherited there is more of a risk for violence in tendency. Teens with a family his- tory of chemical dependence who experiment with alcohol and other drugs have an increased risk of Causes of Dysfunctional Families developing chemical dependence. The following are some of the problems that can cause dysfunction in Teens and other family members a family: may develop codependence. Code- pendence is a problem in which a • chemical dependence • emotional abuse person neglects himself or herself • other addictions • neglect to care for, control, or try to “fix” • perfectionism • sexual abuse someone else. Codependence will be • violence • abandonment discussed in greater detail later in • physical abuse • mental disorders this lesson.

140 UNIT 3 • Family and Social Health Photodisc/Getty Images Other addictions in the family A com- pelling desire to use a drug or engage in a specific behavior, continued use despite negative consequences, and loss of control is an addiction. Besides chemical dependence, the fol- Teens who live with lowing addictions can contribute to violence in the home have dysfunctional family life: eating disor- a higher risk of becoming violence. Abuse used by one person juvenile offenders. It is very ders and , exercise in a relationship to control the other important for these teens addiction, gambling addiction, nicotine is . Domestic vio- to talk to a trusted adult addiction, perfectionism, relationship about their problems. lence includes physical abuse, sexual addiction, shopping addiction, televi- abuse, and emotional abuse. A violent sion addiction, computer addiction, family member usually is very con- thrill-seeking addiction, and worka- trolling. Sometimes, the violent fam- holism. ily member drugs. Often, A family member with an addic- other family members try to keep tion becomes obsessed with his or her peace. They may themselves addiction. Family life is neglected. when the family member has violent Teens who live with a family member outbursts. Between acts of violence, who has an addiction may develop Teens who the violent family member may be codependence. They may develop the are abused by a kind, gentle, and apologetic, but the same or other addictions as ways of family member are cycle of violence continues. coping with problems. more at risk for Teens who live in homes with attempting suicide. It Perfectionism in the family Perfec- domestic violence may be injured by is especially important tionism is a common type of addiction. the violence. They may copy the vio- for these teens to talk It is singled out for discussion because lent and controlling behavior. These about their problems it is so common. Perfectionism is the teens are at risk for becoming juve- with a trusted adult. compelling need to be flawless. nile offenders. A juvenile offender Perfectionism goes beyond having is a minor who commits a criminal high standards or wanting to do well. act. Teens who are sexually abused Parents or guardians who are perfec- are at risk for developing severe emo- tionists are overly critical of them- tional problems, becoming pregnant, selves and of their children. Teens who or becoming infected with HIV and live with a perfectionist or other STDs. guardian may feel inadequate and Abuse in the family The harmful or insecure. These teens also may become cruel treatment of another person is perfectionists. They may be overly crit- Mini-Review called abuse. One type of abuse is ical of themselves and others and may 1. How can addiction abuse, which is the harmful never be satisfied with anything. Their cause dysfunction treatment of a minor. abuse behavior is self-destructive and harms in a family? is the harmful treatment of a hus- relationships with others. 2. Why are teens who band or . Parent abuse is the live with violence Violence in the family The use of harmful treatment of a parent. Elder in their homes at physical force to injure, damage, or abuse is the harmful treatment of an risk for other destroy oneself, others, or property is aged family member. problems?

tx.healthmh.com/family_relationships LESSON 13 • Developing Healthful Family Relationships 141 Ron Chappel/ThinkStock/Getty Images Teens who have been abandoned by a parent can have difficulties with other relationships as a result. They may keep others at a distance, or become very emotionally needy.

An abusive family member is often controlling and moody. Sometimes, abusive family members are drug Abandonment Teens dependent. Their need for control and who have been their moodiness increase when they abandoned are likely are under the influence of drugs. to act “tough,” defy Teens who live with an abusive authority figures, family member may be afraid and refuse to follow confused. They cannot understand school rules, and have the abuse. They want to believe they a negative attitude. are loved. For this reason, they deny their feelings of and confusion and cover up what is happening. may experience the same feelings in Often, they may blame themselves other relationships. Teens who have and believe they deserve the abuse. been abandoned often have difficulty Abandonment in the family When a getting close to others. They may feel person chooses to give up or refuses that if they get close to someone, that responsibility for those in his or her person also may abandon them. They care, it is called abandonment. may push away others. Or, they may Parents who abandon their children be very needy emotionally. They may are not available for them. They may demand the attention of others to ful- abandon their children by their physi- fill childhood needs that were not met. cal or emotional absence or both. Their Mental disorders in the family A men- absence from their children’s lives may tal or emotional condition that makes cause their children pain, suffering, it difficult for a person to live in a nor- and confusion. Children who have mal way is a . been abandoned may begin to feel Families in which one or more family unlovable, worthless, or guilty. They members have a mental disorder have may think, “Why doesn’t my parent special stressors. A family member want to be part of my life? What did I may suffer from major . do wrong? I must not be lovable.” They Other family members might respond in a healthful way. They might recog- nize that this family member has Four Kinds of Abuse depression and requires treatment. They are sensitive to this illness but Teens may have to deal with the following types of abuse in their families. do not let it dominate their lives. In a • Physical abuse is violent • Neglect is failure to provide dysfunctional family, family members treatment that results in proper care and guidance. do not respond in a healthful way. physical injury to the victim. • Sexual abuse is sexual con- They may feel responsible for the fam- • Emotional abuse is belittling tact that is forced on a per- ily member’s depression and try to fix or verbally “putting down” , either through physical it themselves. When the family mem- another person, making a force, manipulation, or ber remains depressed, they may feel person feel worthless, or threats of harm. personally responsible. They may withholding love and affec- allow the family member’s depression tion in order to cause pain. to dominate family life.

142 UNIT 3 • Family and Social Health Tony Freeman/PhotoEdit s stated earlier, codependence is a problem in which people neglect themselves to care for, control, or try to “fix” someone else. The Tree of Codependence, shown Abelow, illustrates how dysfunctional family life can lead to codependence. The roots are labeled with behaviors that occur in dysfunctional families. The branches are labeled with feelings and behaviors that describe people who are codependent. What to Know About Codependent Relationships People who are codependent have diffi- Tree of Codependence culty with intimacy. Intimacy is a deep and meaningful kind of sharing ar abandonmen between two people. Codependents Fe t avoid intimacy by going to extremes. ers' Resist Fix oth autho ms figu rity They focus on pleasing others and deny proble res their own needs, or they avoid being y controlli Are ver ng Have low close to others to keep from being hurt. self- eople pleasers este The two sides of codependence— Are p em Hide anger obsessing about the needs of others Deny fe ponsible elin ly res gs and avoiding others—are at the root over Are raw for pro of much unhappiness. Enmeshment Withd tection is a condition in which a person becomes obsessed with the needs of another person and no longer can recognize his or her own needs. Codependent people may avoid inti- macy by choosing relationships that offer little or no chance for closeness. Often, teens with codependence are Mental disorders more comfortable with someone with ical dependency Chem Abandonm E Sexual abuse problems. m m P is h ent Other addictionsn o y io t s In a healthful relationship, there is t i i c o c e ce a rf t n l c e a a interdependence. Interdependence P len e l b l

a u io g s The Tree of Codependence b V e e is a condition in which two people u N s shows how dysfunctional e depend upon one another, yet each family life can lead to has a separate identity. codependence.

tx.healthmh.com/family_relationships LESSON 13 • Developing Healthful Family Relationships 143 (tt)Photodisc/Getty Images uppose a teen is raised in a dysfunctional family and is codependent. The teen has difficulty maintaining healthful friendships at school. Is there any hope for the teen’s Srecovery from codependence? Where can the teen find help? Can other family members learn how to relate in responsible and healthful ways? What steps can be taken to improve dysfunctional family relationships? How to Improve Dysfunctional Family Relationships If you have a dysfunctional family friends, who want a person to get treat- relationship, first identify the pri- ment. At a planned gathering, family mary cause of dysfunction in the fam- members and others tell the person ily (alcoholism, gambling, etc.). Then, what they have observed and how they try to recognize the harmful ways in feel about it. They ask the person to get which family members interact. treatment. Some people need inpatient Then, take responsibility for your treatment, meaning they need to be behavior. Make sure you do not copy admitted to a health-care facility that the harmful behavior of any family can help them with their problems. member. Also, you need to talk to a Also, they might need medical care. parent, guardian, mentor, or other Other people need outpatient treat- trusted adult about getting help. ment only, meaning they would still Teachers and guidance counselors at live at home while being treated. school are able to listen to you and Therapy All family members who are give advice. Be sure to talk to some- codependent can benefit by getting one else if the first person you speak help. Individual and group therapy to does not help you. can help with recovery. In individual Intervention Sometimes all , a skilled therapist helps one members agree that help is needed. family member learn healthier ways to Sometimes the family member with express feelings and relate to others. the primary problem, such as alco- In group therapy or family therapy, a holism, being abusive, or gambling, skilled therapist works with a group or 13F (covered on page denies that there is a family problem family at the same time. Those who 144): Explore methods for addressing critical health and resists help. A trained therapist participate in group therapy practice issues. might work with other family mem- relating to one another within the Quick Quiz: bers to plan a formal intervention. A safety of the group. Then, these new Why is understanding fam- formal intervention is an action by ways of relating are transferred into ily changes so important? people, such as family members and real-life situations.

144 UNIT 3 • Family and Social Health tx.healthmh.com/family_relationships (tt)Photodisc/Getty Images Communication and Conflict Resolution in Families Family conflicts don’t have to turn way. You can use communication into shouting matches or end with skills and creative thinking to work bad feelings. By using communica- out solutions that are acceptable to tion and decision-making skills, you everyone involved in the conflict. can resolve conflicts in a responsible Follow the steps below.

TABLE 13.1 Resolving Family Conflict Responsibly

Goal Suggestions

Remain calm. Take time to cool off before Find a cooling-off method that works for you. You might leave the room briefly, trying to talk things through. Anger can get in breathe deeply a few times, or take a quick walk. the way of discussing a problem thoughtfully.

Set a positive tone. Agree on some basic Some good guidelines are to listen to the other person without interrupting, ground rules for your discussion. If each acknowledge each other’s feelings, and avoid blaming. person agrees on the rules ahead of time, it is less likely that anger will get in the way.

Define the conflict and take Make I- statements to help you focus on the conflict, not the other person. responsibility for personal actions. Describe the problem.

Listen to the needs and feelings Restate what you heard the other person say. of others. Try to see the other person’s point of view. This will help you understand why the other person feels the way he or she does.

List and evaluate possible solutions. Each solution should meet at least some of each person’s needs. For example: Brainstorm possible solutions with the other person. • A teen could call home if they will be out after curfew on weekends. • A parent could allow a teen to stay out late once per month.

• A teen could invite friends to his or her house instead of going out.

Agree on a responsible solution. Evaluate each solution above. Will it lead to an outcome that is safe, healthful, Choose a responsible solution that hopefully and legal? Does it show respect for both persons, follow family guidelines, and satisfies both people. Each person must be demonstrate good character? willing to make some trade-offs, but each person will “win” something too.

Communicate. Strengthen the relationship Thank the other person for talking and for working things out. and make future conflicts easier to work through.

LESSON 13 • Developing Healthful Family Relationships 145 Using Communication Skills: Practicing Conflict Resolution

Resolving conflict within families is not easy, but it can be done. Use these steps the next time you need to resolve a conflict: 1) remain calm; 2) set a positive tone; 3) define the conflict; To practice your conflict- 4) take responsibility for personal actions; 5) listen resolution skills, role-play to the needs and feelings of others; 6) list and one of these situations. evaluate possible solutions; and 7) agree on a 1 responsible solution. Use the steps outlined on theplains right. ’s dad often com usic too • Frank that Frank plays his m Now try role e. -playing one of loud at hom these situations using the steps 2outlined above. ’s , Anna, frequently • Jane ’s clothes s Jane ission. • M borrow andy’s mom fee ls that Mandy’s without her perm grades would im prove if she spe more tim nt are e on her home onflict you work. hink of a c iend. T with a fr • Kate’s pa volved in rents are uncom now in n to work w fortable ther perso ith one of her n Ask the o ou, ew friends, who flict with y often sk 3 g the con ips school. lvin on reso ed above. teps outlin using the s

Recovery program Sometimes people join recovery programs. A recovery program is a group that supports members as they change their behav- ior to be more responsible. Today, By setting a positive tone and listening to the other there are many different recovery person’s point of view, you can resolve conflicts at programs. Alcoholics Anonymous home in a calm manner. (AA) is a recovery program for peo- ple who are dependent on alcohol and other drugs. Al-Anon is a recov- harmful behavior. Teens can talk to a ery program for people who have fam- guidance counselor, a teacher, a ily members or friends who have an clergy member, or another trusted addiction. People who want to recover adult for information on where to from codependence also attend Al- find these recovery programs. Anon. Alateen is a recovery program For teens who have been raised in for teens who have family members or a dysfunctional family and for those friends who have an addiction. Teens who are codependent, communica- who want to recover from codepen- tion is very important to finding dence also attend Alateen. ways to heal and to break free from These programs are helpful for the cycle of codependence. Talking those who are codependent because openly and honestly about their prob- they provide a place to meet other lems will help teens develop ways of people with similar problems and relating that are responsible and they provide positive alternatives to healthful.

146 UNIT 3 • Family and Social Health FotoKIA/Index Stock Imagery k Key Terms Review Complete these fill-in-the-blank statements with the lesson Key Terms on the left. Do not write in this book.

1. _____ is a tender feeling a person has 6. _____ is refusing responsibility for those in 13 toward another. your care. STUDY 2. A(n) _____ is the basic unit of society. 7. A(n) _____ is a group that supports people GUIDE 3. _____ is a relationship in which two who want to change their behavior. people depend upon one another, yet each 8. A(n) _____ is a family that does not abandonment has a separate identity. promote loving, responsible relationships. affection 4. A(n) _____ is an attitude of discipline, 9. _____ is a recovery program for teens with Alateen motivation, and commitment toward tasks. a family member who has an addiction. dysfunctional family 5. A(n) _____ is a family that promotes 10. _____ is a condition in which a person is enmeshment loving, responsible relationships. obsessed with the needs of others. family family relationships Recalling the Facts healthful family 11. What is the role of parents, guardians and 15. What are three ways to be a loving family interdependence grandparents in a healthful family? member? recovery program value 12. What are the roles of extended family 16. What are ten causes of dysfunctional work ethic members in a healthful family? family relationships? 17. What are two ways people who are 13. What are 14 skills children learn and codependent avoid being close to others? practice in healthful families? 18. What initial steps might a teen take to 14. How does a parent teach self-respect? improve dysfunctional family relationships? Critical Thinking 19. Why is it important for teens to have Real-Life Applications self-respect? 23. Give examples of how your extended fam- 20. Why are communication skills important? ily supports you. 21. Explore methods for addressing critical 24. Describe some ways to use communication health issues within a dysfunctional family to solve a current family conflict. that is trying to improve its relationships. 25. Why do you think some people develop a 22. Explain why it is important for teens problem with enmeshment? who have been abused to talk about 26. If you suspected that your best friend their problems. was being abused, what would you do?

Activities Responsible Decision Making Sharpen Your Life Skills 27. Write a Response You spend the 28. Analyze Influences on Health evening at a friend’s home. Your friend tells Select two family sitcoms and ask your you his has cocaine in his room. parent or guardian if it is OK to view them. Write a response to this situation. Include Rate each show using the Guidelines for what you will say to your friend about his Analyzing Influences on Health on page brother and why you must not stay at his 36. Do family members in the sitcom house. Refer to the Responsible Decision- choose healthful behaviors? Where would Making Model on page 61 for help. you rank them on the Family Continuum?

Visit tx.healthmh.com/study_guide for more review questions. LESSON 13 • Study Guide 147 (t to b)Photodisc/Getty Images