Manny Road Sport 2

Monday, August 17 th, 2009 (Issue 2) 49) NO NEWS NO G OSSIP NO PHOTOS S OME SPORT Free inside – How to register for Mansfield Road Football Club. BRITAIN’S WORST TABLOID! 11 boys lose to 10 men in 9 goal Have you seen this man’s baby? Last seen in the arms of somebody else’s girlfriend, may be able to generate ‘power headers’ like her thriller! biological father. A sun soaked Cutteslowe park was the venue for this action-packed ‘friendly’ between Manny Road Reserves and the Bowyer’s Arms. Well this is how football making sure that she missed should be and all ten of the any of your touches of genius Manny Road (reserve) squad as she lovingly cared for the that had turned up were fully offspring of the club appreciative of the glamour President, Kaiser Kay. and splendour of playing on a flat surface, in splendid They say that a good crowd conditions, against a team can be as valuable as a ‘12th half your age whilst your man’, although on this girlfriend sat on the sidelines, particular day the players, all ten of them, would have been partaking in their pre-game grateful if the crowd had warm-up, which served to merely managed to fill an as strike terror into their the ‘11th man’, but alas an 18- intimidated, laughing, month old baby and her opponents. And the smiles debutant carer are not the continued for the lads of greatest emergency cover. Bowyer’s Arms, some of who were clearly underage to be The absent 11th man was playing for a team named soon joined by ‘Jamie’ (sorry, after what sounds like, and certain surnames are still presumably because it is, a missing from this reporter’s pub, as they raced into a two bottomless knowledge of the nil lead after two Oxford amateur circuit), who demonstrations of quick was brutally scythed down as reactions, clever feet, and punishment after having the sharp shooting. 0v2! audacity to score against 11 Bowyer’s Arms are loving ‘men’, but more on that it! later… It was Kaiser Kay who Manny Road lined up with an volunteered to fill in at adventurous 3-4-2 formation centre-back, although this (one wonders where the 11th decision had nothing to do man would have slotted in), with the new rule he had just and it was not long before invented before kick off that they realised the folly of their decreed that strikers are to ways and quickly reverted to earn 1 club point for every a 4-lopsided3-2*, after going goal scored, midfielders 3, two nil down within 10 and defenders 5. His minutes to a side with more commanding presence did players but a significantly shore up a somewhat leaky younger combined age. defence however, and provided the platform for the Manny Road had started this team to build their amazing game well, getting the nets up comeback on. The back line without any problems before defending Schofield’s goal now comprised Mills at left- * back, Kaiser Kay and ‘Sean’ Perhaps inspired by the equally lopsided ‘zona-mista’ of Italian football? Go on, in the middle, and Alverado google it, you know you want to! at right-back. The left-wing neat header, GOAL! 1v2! was tactically omitted, The Reserves are making a leaving Palti to partner the comeback! debutant Matt Hollow in the enviable task of closing down This goal merely served to the opposition midfield. The further extend Manny Road’s pace of Pothecary was now near complete, and very selected to wreak havoc on thorough, ‘warm-up’. The the tactically included right- players were visibly buoyed wing, and Jamie and Burton by the goal and set about were spearheading the attack devising ways to score more, by being the first, and worst, whilst Kaiser Kay wondered line of defence. how many points a striker gets for a goal whilst the team Finally the Manny Road played ‘zona mista’ with only warm-up started to pay 10 men…Meanwhile, ‘Seanny dividends, when 20 minutes Sean’, in absence of a into the game Pothecary sped surname, was busy curling a down the right and hit a great delightful through ball down cross that flew agonisingly in the tactically valid right-wing front of the onrushing and into the path of the strikers and into the path of slightly offside Burton, who the tactically omitted left- merely had to slot the ball winger, who’s less than solid past the keeper to equalize material existence allowed the scores, GOAL! 2V2! the ball to continue in its path and out for a goal-kick. Jamie was then, about five minutes before, brutally However this little foray into scythed down by the big, but the attacking third merely rather good, Bowyer’s Arms acted as another part of the captain. Jamie then extended Manny Road warm- recovered from the claims of up and Nick Pothercary’s ‘diving’ and ‘wouss’ to muscles were now well and bravely hobble off the field, truly ‘warmed up’, and his with severed Achilles tendon next darting run culminated intact, in his sock. in a delightful chipped cross over the stranded keeper and Manny Road were now into the path of the grateful passing the ball round nicely, Jamie, who scored with a with Mills and Alverado Pothecary. Both players were working hard and showing temporarily sin-binned as the for the ball regularly under game descended into a the guidance of KKay. The farcical 10 v 8. The resultant three midfielders and one free-kick was ‘lofted’ in, by striker were having a hard Palti, according to the time pressing the ball, and if dictates of KKay, who leapt it had been a real fixture they like a salmon and produced would probably have sat back what can only be falsely and attempted to soak up the described as a ‘power pressure, but as it was a header’! Which agonisingly friendly, the fitness work was crept towards the prostrate an end in itself. Palti and goalie who, suffering from a Hollow were immense in fit of impatience, decided to midfield, making tackle after simply palm the ball in to the tackle, and still having net and get the whole affair enough energy to play tidy, over with, GOAL! 3v2, the attractive football, whilst Manny Road eight take the Pothercary’s pacey runs lead! But more importantly, down the right bought the Kay earns 5 club points! team valued yards and respite against the on- The second half was a great slaught. It was one of example of how superior Pothecary’s runs that organisation and fitness can indirectly set up the next overcome superior numbers goal, although he received no and possession. Despite all official credit for his role in their possession the Bowyer’s the goal, he did receive a nice Arms were simply unable to pair of fouls and a right hook resist the diagonal punt, and for his efforts, after the they completely failed to get trailing left-back, tried once in behind, or around, the at the halfway line, and then Manny Road defence, which again clearly inside the box, was expertly marshalled by to fell the slight frame of Kaiser Kay. Although the Pothecary. He was then so work rate of all the defenders incensed by the referee’s and midfielders was to be decision to award a free-kick praised, especially Hollow’s (remember, it was only 3 work rate, and the amazing yards inside the box), that he marauding runs of the 49 decided to take a swing at year old Jon Mills down the Unfortunately Kay was so left-flank! Out pacing lads busy trying to work out how nearly a third of his age! many club points a 40-yard lob earned for a right-winger As the game wore on the / centre-midfielder in a 9 man Bowyer’s Arms lads simply team that he failed to defend began to give up in properly and allowed the frustration, especially when Bowyer’s Arms to score a late the scoreline rapidly ran consolation goal, although in away from them after Palti fairness it should be pointed set up Burton with another out that he did make a easy finish and then Hollow miraculous recovery tackle scored a well-taken volley, on the goal line earlier on in GOAL GOAL!! 5v2! the game to prevent a certain goal, but that was when the Manny Road now knew the scoreline mattered and he game was won (Kay asked to cared. go upfront), and thus began Full-time: Manny Road 6, to stroke the ball around in Bowyer’s Arms 3. their relaxed state, and Burton was even foolish After the game, Manager Jon enough to attempt a 40-yard Mills said, lob, which drifted harmlessly no where near the goal, or “I’m knackered!” near the goal keeper who had decided to become an So it was left to club auxiliary left-back at this President, Kaiser Kay, to sum point. However Burton’s the game up, attempted lob merely served to act as a further “We were awful until that continuation of the Manny warm-up kicked in and I took Road warm-up act as it was control of the game by the subsequently followed by a scruff of the neck. As Homer much more technically Simpson says, ‘everybody has accomplished and perfectly to work much harder when executed attempt by Palti, I’m around’. By the way, I who scored, GOAL! 6v2! forgot to mention that if a What a goal! defender scores a power header it is actually worth 8 points!” Man of the Match could have gone to any of 10 men, but it deservedly went to veteran Jon Mills.

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