The Daily- Weather Forecast Today Saturday Sunday
Castro found off Cloudy with a chance of TorrentialQuan, heaviest neai Unzmnr naknrl Anrlrmuni isn Rmmfinlrl-Dnarcnn ntIUI GVV uuai I I mrclry, IIOI.”U, WIU,”.. UUUlI I Yl “I I Ill”,U I ”UI ““I I Florida coast. High: Higher than the low High across the US: 1,256 High: Subjectively Warm Early this morning, the US Coast Guard identified the unconscious body ofcuban Dictator Fidel Castro floatingon a hand-made raft four miles Thankfully the snow has sublimated and ablated by now. This weekend there is a kom the beaches of Key West. Initial reaction from the collection of chance of tw and I+, although the boundary layer winds may preclude any significant homosexual residents, Jewish vacationers, and dolphins was subdued. overrunning. A confluent flow will encourage cyclogenesis, and a high omega and In Little Havana, protestors immediately took to the streets, helicity might result in some convection. The RUC, MRF, AVN, NGM and UKMET shouting obscenities at the INS through the assembly of news computer models are in agreement on this one. The ECMWF, NOGAPS, NGM, ETA cameras. “Don’t send him home! ,” one Cuban American shouted, and MM5 are fighting with one another, but right now I am leaning towards the MOS “Heshouldn’thavetoliveunderCastro’srule...oh,heisCastro.. .Urn: output, although I am a little worried that the Theta-e ridge axis will complicate ‘.. ,% ** I don’t know. Fuck Cuba!” things all along the eastern seaboard come Monday. So, enjoy your weekend and Attorney General Janet Reno sided with the Democrats in what has hope for some anticyclonic flow around here sometime soon. Oh, and those of you quickly become apartisan issue. Apparently, Castro’syounger brother, Raul, passed INS evaluation as a suitable guardian and his offer to take with interests in Africa, they are getting one hell of a Harmattan down there. Damn custody overthe agingand frightenedcommunistwas deemedgenuine. that‘s some hot weather. - Weather forecast by Daily Editor Weird A/ Yankovic House Republicans, however, are staunchly opposing deporta- tion. Texas Governor George W. Bush, in an obvious campaign ploy, pledged to join in the human chain around Elian Gonzalez’ home, Brenner yearns for Jumbo balls where Castro is now living. “En el nombre de Jesus cristo, nosostros decimos ‘NO’,’’said Bush with Jeb whispering in his ear. “Who the Tufts DaiZy Editor-in-Chief wet ;s with anticipation hell is Castro anyway,” he muttered, and left the podium. bylVANAHUMPAIDT again” MacMannis, when asked SUCK,” MIT point guard Skip Men’s Basketball Team Biatch to comment on the squad’s new Lucey said. “That guys a terd.. .and c McCain admits to love Men’s basketball coach Bob secretweapon said, “Even though if I ever get my hands on him, I’m Sheldon announced yesterday his jump shot is ugly and needs gonna beat his ass.” that Tufts Daily Editor-in-Chief more arc, Jordan is quite the heck- “I just hope he doesn’t get into affair with student Jordan Brenner will be on the ler. If nothing else, he’ll be an an- any fights,” Dairy sports editor Arizona Senator John McCain held a press conferenceyesterday Jumbo roster next year, as a fifth- noying presence on the bench, Neal McMahon said concerning to explain to the American people the reason he denied for so long year senior, after being cleared for which should help us win some Brenner’s hostile antics in the his affair with asophomore college student,Jesse Levey. Levey, who anextra yearofeligibility.Brenner, clutchgames.But ifhe EVERtalks Daily-Observer basketball game. attends asmall liberal arts school in Massachusetts,met the senator a 5’10”, 85 Ib-mass of strength is to me at a Daily party again, I am “I kinda would have liked to see through his work with the United Leaders. expected to pose a threat both on gonna level his ass.” that though.. .he would have got- “We kissed aftera book signing in Harvard Square,”McCain said. and off the court in the recent “I feel really close to the team, ten his ass kicked.” “I was in the middle of campaigning, a very emotional time.” ECAC ChampionshipTeam’srun especially Bobby MacMannis” Brenner’s “girlfriend,” Paula McCain made it clear that he would not apologize for his actions. for another title. ’ Brenner said. “It was just great at Ramer is ecstatic about the new “It’s the gooks and pinko’s fault, not mine.” Brenner, who was actually ac- the ECAC’s when he came over announcement. “I am just so Military officials revoked McCain’s pension and disability pay- ceptedto Duke University his first and hugged the fans, I will always happy. I mean, I quit the daily to ments upon hearing the news. The military appreciates McCain’s choice and fantasy since grade rememberthatone.I’mjustsoglad get away from him, andnow he’ll brave service during Vietnam, General Colin Powel toldreporters, but school, decided to attend Tufts, I can be a part of that.” be gone all the time!!” she said. can not condone homosexuality, even in former prisoners-of-war. where he was promised a spot in “I like basketball,” Brenner said “Even better, now I can stop Surprisingly, McCain shot up in the recent Reuters poll. It seems the starting five right off the bat. ofhis dream come true. “I play it a shouting out the names of men’s that the scandal, and McCain’s decision to leave the presidential However, hislackofdexteritywith lot. And1watch ittoo. IthinkI’Il fit basketball players when we’re race, has not discouraged independents across the nation to aban- his left was seen as an early prob- right in with the boyz.” fucking! !It was about time for me don the resurgent Republican. “I don’t know care if he’s talking lem on the court. But after hard “Uuum yea, ifthattwiggy freak to kick his ass ifhe kept making me about the iron triangle or the Bermuda triangle,” Levey said, “I just work, and thanks to watching the ever calls us his ‘boyz’ again, I do that. And believe me, I CAN think he’s damn sexy.” men’s team play, now he can go think we might have to kick his kick his ass.” w equally with both hands, if you ass,” sophomore seldom used fan In his spare time, and between Putin denounces KGB: know what I mean.. .and I think favorite Brucie Bruce Reese said. practices, Brenner has also gra- you know what I mean. “I’m alittle bitconcemed,”jun- ciously accepted the position of After four years ofwarming up ior co-captain Dan “Big Turkey” sports editor’s Jon Japha’s per- “Russian letters cooler” to coach Sheldon in golf class, Flaherty said. “To be quite honest sonal secretary. “He needs a lot of According to the new Russian president, Vladimir Putin, the kissing anyone remotely related with you, the guy’s a nerd. But I work, but I’m sure we can whip him American alphabet, much like its people, culture, and political to the basketball team’s ass, and guess it’s just as well he’s on the intoshape,”Japhasaid. “A~wwww b system, is “entirely worthless.” Other than Dawson’s Creek, said the generally making a mockery out team now.. .he thinks he’s been on naw, my boy’saballer.”One stipu- militaristic politician, America only exports “Michael Jordan, himselfat men’s basketball games, the team for the past four years lation, however, is that Brenner McDonalds, and Brittney Spears.” Brenner’s wet dream has finally anyways. Now we don’t have to will be prohibited from all food Putin used his inaugural addressto defend the war against Chechnya, become a reality: to ride the pine kick his ass.” ordering lists, and he will’not be Russia’s break-away republic. With a continued focus on the “evil for the Brown and Blue. “Personally, I think it’s sick permitted to discuss Duke basket- empire,”he IikenedNATOexpansion,America’sattackon Serbia, and Sheldon had originallyplanned and perverted.. .his obsession ball. even the Civil War to Russia’s recent incursion into Chechnya. to make this announcement on with themen’s basketball team that “I don’t care what the hell he’s “The CIA told us that Osama Bin Laden was being housed in Senior Night, where Brenner was is:’ sqhzxn OE Daily sports edi- doingnext year,” junior Daily sports Chechnya, among his fellow Muslim activists,” Putin said. “We to be honored for his exceptional tor Erin Desmarais said. “And if I editorAdam Kamins said. “I’m sick thought we were doing the US a favor.” ability to get on peoples nerves, ever catch him checking out my of him calling me Casper, and I State Department SpokespersonJames Rubin officialscondemned both on and off the court, How- boyfriend onthe court, I’ll whomp think I’m gonna kick his ass.” Putin in the name of Clinton, the father, the son, and the holy ghost. ever, in honor of Brenner’s pas- his scrawny ass.” “He’s not very good at basket- “I wasupallnighttryingtothinkofagoodwaytosaythatSyriahates sion for Duke basketball, Sheldon Sheldon’s main concern with ball ...” Daily editor Russell Israel, and that Americans don’t know enough about Africa to do decided to postpone the breaking Brenner’s ability on and off the Capone said. “If he ever bugs me anything. So, I’m not ready to speak on the topic of Russia. I know news until Duke’s capture of an court, isfmdingauniformthat will about a goddamn deadline again, this, though, Putin’s bad, democracy’s good, and Clinton won’t care NCAA Championship.After much fit Brenner’sscrawnyframe. “They I’m gonna send my uncles after about any of it in a couple of months.” contemplation, Sheldon realized just don’t make uniforms that him to teach his ass a that this was not in the realm of small,” Sheldon said. “Other than lesson.. ..Italian style.” Downloading;c of free possibility because, let’s face it, that, I’mpretty confidentthat he’ll “I think we’re doing this kid a Duke sucks. Hence the early an- be able to fill our waterbottles and favor,” Sheldon said. “If anyone nouncement. wipe up sweat no questions like Brennerevertakes agolfclass condoms cloqsC network Future teammate Bobby “Yeah asked.” with me again.-- I will open-. UP a can Free condoms have been addedto the list of banned online the ladies love me, but I’m taken, “Brenner, Brenner, YOU of whoopass on his ass.” territory on the Tufts network. Earlier this semester, Napster and other MP3 sites were identified as the number-one enemies of University network administrators. With Health Servicesnowonline, Please DON’T recycle this paper. You prob- students have unzipped and unbuttoned their way onto the “free condom” downloading area, slowing late-night web searches for ably think that, by putting it in one of those pornography and causingriots in the Eaton computer lab. Computer science majors and free speech activists are up in arms. recycle bins, it will get saved and help the “The vending machine condoms are overpriced and not name brands. Health Servicesoffers Trojans, arid with agood color printer environment. Fooled You! It actually gets and quality latex paper, it’s hard to resist,” said a Tufts freshman in an e-mail correspondence from his desk in Halligan Hall, where he chopped into a pulp and spoon-fed to the is chained down and fed intravenously twice a day. Your Momma wrote these. No really, I’m serious - they come free with the cheap Asian labor that made your shoes. blow job. P
THETUFTS DAILY Ami1 1.2000 R Feet-sure Finkelstein admits to sexual relations with Harris by TROJAN TD: Ummm, don’t you rip on him all the me.(11/17/99)Theywant A contraceptive time? How do you benefit him? to make the thing shorter. Rece:2tly, the Daily contacted Brian BF As soon I get the pictures devel- (3/15/99) Finkelstzin with the intention of interview- oped, if they’re any good, I’ll put them TD: So, was the experi- ing him ;%bouthis website, Brian’s Rumors online.(2/9/00) ence disappointing? Daily. Finkelstein responded by suggest- TD: #at do these photos expose? BF: Justaquickie.(3/10/ ing that the Dailyrely on information printed BF: [His] “black asshole.” (3/5/00) 00) Not exactly an exciting in his column, “The Sound of My Own TD: In what context? nightofrip-roaringfun.(l I/ Voice,” as it represents his opinion on ev- BF It’s a little bit scary. (1/12/00) I’m 17/99) erything. Here, then, is the transcript of our putting 20 half-naked people on the stage TD: What could have interview with Finkelstein: andaskingthemtoprancearound.(10/25/99) improved it? TUBSDaily: Okay, Brian, let’s get right TD: Including Larry Harris? BFSomekidinabunny down to it. How do you feel about the BFYup. (4/19/99) suit ... what more do you influence that Rumors Dairy has had on TD: Why did you decide to engage in want? (1/12/00) [But] I campus over the past two years? sexual relations with President Harris? don’t see them very often, Brian Finkelstein: This web page is giv- BF My computer was not functioning. so I was entertained. (1 I/ ingmeari ego(TheSoundofmyownVoice, (21‘25/00) 7/99) 3/15/99)’Thatis WONDERFUL.(3/5/00) TD: #at was it like to be with Harris? TD: You want to put TD: What about the recent controversy BE Itallstartswithathreat(3/10/00), [he someone in a bunny suit? involving anonymous forums? says] “please enjoy this look at the soft, BF: Those ugly, ugly BF I don’t necessarily know if some- slimy underbelly.” (1/12/00) You can ask, children. (1/12/00) I hope thing is the truth or if something is a lie, so you can suggest, you can even strongly none ofthem have to go to nothing on the forum comes with any en- support, but you shouldn’t order just be- the bathroom. I’m a big dorsement of truthfulness. (3/5/00) cause [you] are much bigger than I am. (2/ empty bladder freak. (1 I/ a TD: Okay, but it’s still your page, right? 25/00) [I] feel anagging bite gnawing into 7/99) Don’t you feel at all responsible for the [me], deeper and deeper, with every mo- TD: The ones at Kids’ constant negativity that is promoted and ment. (1/2 1/00>By now it is hard to see the Day? personal attacks on campus figures? point ofremoving [it].(2/25/00) BF: Can I defend it? BFHell, I’m unhappy about a lot ofthe TD: Were there any problems? Probably not. Will I try? comments that ended up there (2/24/00), BF[My] equipment is not functional.It Yup. (4/19/99). but the power of free speech, and the enor- needs to be replaced, badly. As far as I TD: Okay, Brian, you mous societal benefits that it provides, is Photo by Phil McCrack know, it was inadequate. (1 1/7/99) are disgusting. Now that Brian Finkelstein rarely ventures out in public. much more important to me than the quell- TD: You’ve already said that Lamwas YOU have shared such an ing of a few unhappy people. (3/5/00) biggerthan you. Didthat make the logistics intimate experiencewith our Senate Presi- BF I would destroy my creation before TD: SO, what societal benefits has your of the whole thing more complicated? dent, will you prohibit further negative, allowing it to be subverted in that manner. page led to? BF: Only partially, because mytotal lack anti-Harris postings on your site? (2/’25/00) BFMyself(2/9/00) of talent doesn’t help much either. (10/25/ BF: I learned that nothing like that comes TD: Which creation -Rumors Daily or TD: Yourself? Who, exactly, do you 99) Most people would fail to see where cheaply.(11/7/99) your love child with Harris? benefit? [we] come together... and so did I, until TD:So,PresidentDiBiaggiowillbehappy BF: Oh, forget this. I’m going to give BF:T(XJPresidentLanyHarris.(2/25/00) today. [He]wasprobablysix feetawayfrom to hear that you’ve changed your policy? myselfsomeroofiesandtakeanap.(3/15/99) Controversial man-boy love societv embraced bv Tufts 4 d by ANAL PROBST merely on the basis of the age of ontotheHill fortomorrow’s“Kid’s entire life. Yahoo forNAMBLA! into the freshman’sdrink.” Johnny It’s been like that since Madden ’92 the participants.” In other words, Day” festivities. The event, which Yahoo for Tufts! ! !” RogersandtheDUgangwillteach Aftermonthsoffiercedelibera- they do not frown upon weird old was organized by Michael Jack- Chancesto bond with the young the young boys to bark like dogs tion, the L,eonardCarmichaelSoci- men hooking up with eight-year- .L son, will be a great opportunity for children will be plentiful on Satur- to get attention, and then proceed ety (LCS) persuaded the adminis- olds. The organization,which has dedicated volunteers to begin day, as many organizations, in- to grab everyone’s ass. tration to add NAMBLA to its wahed in power since an exposing theirquestto findthe perfectmad cluding the fraternities, will hold The Primary Source staff will long list of community service segment on the Gerald0 Rivera boy relationships.Although Jacko special events. DTD will have a provide entertainment by letting himself will not be able to attend ‘‘bringyour piggy bank and laugh the children dress up in theirfavor- the ‘hands-on’ children event, he at the kids with no money as you ite Republican elephant suits and has often spoken out in favor of kick them out” party, followed by then teach them how to publish a NAMBLA. a cupcakes, punch, and cocaine lame, whiney, biweekly paper de- “Anyone who is doesn’t like sock-hop. The Zeta Psi brothers void of any worthwhile content. NAMBLA clearly doesn’t under- will give the boysaglimpseoftheir Festivitieswillbeginat9:OOa.m. stand its purpose,” Jackson said. weekly routine as they play tradi- Saturday morning with the “Hoo- “I bring kids to my ranch all the tional games like “Din the tail on ray for NAMBA” parade,.. svon- time so they can teach me about the doikey” and “slip the roofie soiedbyTMAV. Pokemon or something and I just love explainingto my little friends what those monkeys are doing on the Discovery Channel. It is al- ways a positive learning experi- with ance ence for both of us. Just look at how Macaulay Culkintumedout.” WILLs RUMORSDAIL Y Tufts students have reacted Pikachu joyously to the NAMBLA an- Let’s get it on! nouncement, and the Tufts Com- munity Union Senate plans to rec- Originally pnslcd Sahrdaj, April I. at 12:OO AM groups. The infamous “North Show in the mid-’90s, has its head- ognize officially the organization After much rcrent controversy over anolher “nnnnymsus forum“ Will drridcd il was in thr kcsl interests orTufls University for him lo stnrl his own Humor’s Pay. While most mmws on lhis American Man-Boy Love Asso- quarters in Cambridge. this weekend. “I can’t wait to get pnge will pertain io Will and his nequainlnnrrs nnd nll of (hem will hr hlnlnnl lirr. hr rcpnrlctlly still feels his site can hring new opportunities to Tufts students. Ilr iq also chinking nlmlnpplying ciation,” which has received in- Tufts will be the first school to involved in all the excitement,” to the TCU Senate for some new group funding.
tense public outcry in recent years recognize a chapter ofNAMBLA Senator Jesse Levey said. R U.II0R.V Will taka a shower for its pedophilic nature, received and hopes this might help put the Freshman Senator, Howard Originally postedSalurday April I. a1 9:3O AM overwhehaing support from mem- University on the map. of the Lien, a major propmen< Folks This one is slrnight from (he horses moulh. Rrpurtrclly. Will did lnkc n shsncr (his memine. bers of LCS. “A bold move like this will defi- new organization, is ecstatic sonp And eveqlhing. I lhnnk lhr anonymous pcnnn who ruhmitfed lhir rumor for-rrrifirin?. himself in lhc name of good journnlism. “I don’t understand why ev- nitely earn us some national rec- about tomorrow’s festivities and R Wf 4 butts. We won the ECAC Tourna- the first father-son combination to ment. They didn’t even get to the play on the same team at the same Final Four.” time in the history ofcollege sports. “And ifwe gave them new cars, “Oh, could someone please that’s not breaking any rules any- remove this probe from my ass?’ way,” Sheldon continued. Adler then asked. The NCAA de- Vllhen reminded that giving nied using anal probes as part of athletes cars was grounds for their probe. NCAA sanctions,he began to cry. Meanwhile, the footballteam is The women’steam,meanwhile, under fire from the authorities as is under attack for alleged contact well. According to the NCAA, the with agents. One of the agents Jumbos havenotcommittedasinale- Photo by Q Cumber apparently gave some ofthe play- murder in the past year¶which is a NCAA officials have recently been probing both faculty and students connected withthe ath- ers cash and other benefits. The violation of not only NCAA rules, letic department. most serious allcgations involve but also the rules of football. WNBA gone: no interest, talent Announcement has NBA asking, What is the WNBA? Hank Aaron would be bySCARF’ACE towards the WNBA’s attempt to host a midseason Resident Gangstah classic. While the WNBA claimed that it sold out the In an announcement that shocked few and really event, inside reports prove that the league actually .. affected no one, the WNBA announced that it was handed out many tickets on the day of the All-star going to shut down its plans to continue running its game just to give the appearance of a packed sta- league. This announcement came on the heels of three dium. years of poorly “We would never stoop to that level, that’s pathetic,” Stern said. “We fill our stadium with the pjtj-1 thug homies of the guys in the slam dunk contest, s%:?;but at least we charge ridiculous prices for our At a teary, yet tickets .” poorly attended, press conference on Thursday, News of the disbarred league did send minor league president Val Ackerman declared that the ripples through the NBA, as there were some who league “never really had a chance.” were worried about the NBA also folding. One of the main causes of the lack of support “Face it, our league is boring,” said a Western was the fact that the players weren’t that good. In Conference owner who wished to re,,iain anony- fact, one of the WNBA players elected to the mous. “Eachteam has like twogood players whoplay Olympic team didn’t even average two points per two-on-two against the other two guys on the other game. team. Most of the guys come to games high, they “Can you believe that? I can score two points a don’t really try, and they fall ass backwards into ga ne,’’ saidNBA commissioner David Stem. “And millions ofdollars.” I’m Jewish.” When pressed for details on his severe accusa- Other factors leading to the inevitable demise of tions, the ownerran like hell, but most oftheNBA is the league included poor attendance, the lack of unworried. However, this will certainly have a lasting excitement,and ageneral dislike ofwomen’s basket- effect in women’s sport. ball. Some fans were quoted as saying they didn’t “It’s a sad, sad day for the sport of basketball,” like .;he fact that the players couldn’t dunk, while said league president Val Ackerman. “Women others didn’t like the fact that the players couldn’t should have the opportunity to have their own make layups. Either way, fans weren’t coming out league.” for the games. “It’s not sad for basketball,just women’s basket- “Watching women play basketball who are white, ball, we still have our league,” responded Stern. “I that’s too much,” said pitcher John Rocker. “I can’t mean, when I heard about this, I just thought, be expected to handle that, I mean, they’re women, whatever.” and they’re white.” Not everyone was pleased about the cancella- - tion of the league. Most NBA players didn’t care either way. “I’ve never really heard of the WBAN,” said -AS:!! 5.8,April 13-15.8pr1 Seattle Super Sovics point guard Gary Payton, who “Hayavadana” was surprised to iiear that the league is actually the Balch Arena Theater $5 with student ID WNBA. “Oh, I didn’t know that.” Olhers across the men’s league, which is still in Sundav May 1 exist=nce,were sad for their female counterparts. Mental Chess iaattiring Deep Blue and Boris ‘ That sucks for them,” said Sacramento Kings Karfoff point guard Jason Williams. ‘Who’s gonna pass us - the bid1 in 2-ball now?’ April 5.6 Williams’ discussion of the all-star game brings Rachel and Sandy’s birthday up an interesting point, as many were antagonistic d@ THETUFTS DAILY March 3 1,1900 Whining to the Editor Will Kinlaw is hot Mmm... beer Jordan Knight To the Editor: To the Editor: hi1 Dictator I’m writing to inquire whether the Daily has an Re: Jacob Silberberg’sice rink article. A bunch of us were candy flippingand drinkingbeers when I said WHAT WE CALL “EDITING” opening for love slave to news editor Will Kinlaw. I would be interested in working at the Daily in such an ice rink on the quad would be a good idea. I know Danny Wood a capacity. His articles are a perpetual display of the Daily likes to cover all its bases, so just thought Nice hair journalistic brilliance, as he combines a gripping I’d let you know. narrative with an accessible tone. I wish I could be a Jane Silberberg, Jacob’s Mom Tina Turner character in that gripping narrative. I’ll be the yingto lj two people get hit by a truck, I’m in charge hisyang, therappertohisDJ,theXtohisY. I’mvery We’ve Submerged accessible. And horny. Thank You. To the Editor: IMMP~RTANTSTUFF WE MAKEUP Editors: Alyssa Heumann LA ’01 Brian Littrell, Debbie Friedman If you were wondering why we stopped publica- Assistant Editors: Editor, Primary Source tion, just to let you know, we didn’t die, graduate, Weird Al Yankovic, Johnny Physical, transfer, or go abroad. We’re day traders now. Salt, Christina Apilera, Shirley Temple You Guys Rule! Submerge editors To the Editor: RALAN’S & CRAIG’S VIEWS Editors: How do you do it? How do you do it? Day in, day 01’Dirty Bastard, Britney Spears Assistant Editor: out, page after page ofbeautiful prose, section after Edelman to Reflect Barry White section of incomparable things said incomparably To the Editor: well. I’ll get right down to it, The Daily is the most I’m going on post-modernity leav? and will return UNIMPORTANTSTUFF WE MAKEUP Editors: extrodinary piece of wit and wisdom that America only after I conceive a new sense of self. Don’t Peppa, Celine Dion, Joan Jett has yet contributed. I greet you at the beginning of contextualizeittoo much, or frame it within irrsocio- Assistant Editors: a great career. logically confined preconceptions. Keep it real. Aretha Franklin, James Taylor Arthur SalzburgerLA ’74 Lee Edelman Publisher,NY Times Professor of English SELF-PROCLAIMED”COOL” Editors: Artsy Spice, ”SYNC (all of them) Assistant Editors: Ike Turner, Adam Bomb, Astroslut BRIAN SHAPIROFAN CLUB: Scarface, John Denver, Michael Jackson Assistant Editors: Mandy Moore, Yanni DRUNKEN LAYOUT Cyndi Lauper Head Filler Placer Filler Makers: Olivia Newton John, Ahni DiFranco, Marilyn Manson LAID-OUT Editor: Mariah Carey Assistant Editors: Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young Mistake Catchers (Yeah, right!): Art Garfunkel, Carole King, Jonathan Knight, Master P, Rob Thomas, Jefferson Airplane PHOTOGRAPHY Editors: The artist formerly known as DRod Assistant Editors: Ice Rink, Pat Benetar ONLINE Editors: Electric Frankenstein, Limp Bizkit Informa tion Technology Manager: Rage Against the Machine THEGOYIM The Chieftain Executive Business Director Mail Opener: Joey McIntyre Phone Answerer: Donnie Wahlberg Egg Donor Seekers: Sonny and Cher Signer for Packages: Dixie Chick EDITORIALPOLICY The Tufts Daily is a non-profit, independent newspaper, published whenever the hell we feel like working, which is definitely NOT daily. It’s put in little metal containers all over campus, and sits there until someone throws them all away. I’m not really sure who does that, but if you find out, please let me know. At least they don’t all sit in boxes next to Brown and Brew like the Source does. That’s pathetic. Editorials appear on this page, but we don‘t really know who writes them or how they get there. Individual editors are not necessarily responsible for, or in agreement with, anything ever printed in The Tufts Daily. The content of Letters, advertisements, signed columns, car- toons, and graphics usually reflects the opinions of Ralan Hill. Advertising deadlines: all sexual solicitations should be inserted by 3 pm. by the appropriate pimp (or LCS) at least two business days before the ad is to run. All advertising copy is subject to the approval of the Editor-in-Chief, Executive Board, and Executive Business Director, although we did run a dead fetus once, so how picky could we really be? DISCLAIMER TO THE Oops. Nothing printed in this issue is true. It‘s not meant to defame or offend anyone or anything, LETTERS EDITOR though, so read it and laugh. Be warned, however, that you are reading at your own risk. Letters must be submitted by 4 p.m. and should be handed into the Dairy office or sent to [email protected]. The editors reserve the right to edit Letters for clarity, space, and length. We can also change your words to make you look like an asshole. For the full policy on Letters I I to the Editor, go to www.waste1and.com. You may not find it, but at I This is the space we reserved to make I least you’ll get some good porn. I I L The Tufts Daily Telephone: (666) 44s-ATAN I fun of the Observer. Basically, we just I 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. FAX: We get too many useless faxes already Med-fuhd, MA 123456 E-mail: [email protected] don’t feel the need anymore. httpd/www.tuftsdaily.com - THETUFTS DAILY April I, 2000 7 n 0 - Issue: 1 raise awareness or Question: Should President DiBiaggio back that thing up, or let u! TCU activity because you seethat thong? (l)Both, but only if it is available, to the entire Tufts community. want to knowing (2)Back that thing up. by Larry Harris plishing. thisuniversity. We docommunity (3)Let us see that thong. So I have deciding to write an- outreaching - very much. We (4)h either,but he can call us Dirty, I It has come to my attentiveness other Viewpoint to express my raise school spirits very high - and then lift up that skirt. that the general Tufts population is dissappointingwith the people who indeed. We do responsibly man- This poll is infallible. calling for mine impeaching. Also dislikemine workingas TCU Presi- aging the student activities fees The Tufts Daily Viewpoints section conducted this poll over i peopleappeartobedisappointinged dent because these people obvi- responsible-like. And we are al- with my grammatical erromand poor ouslyarenotaware ofall ofthegood ways work on new initiatives and writers skill on this here Viewpoints and wonderfblness things which several idea. pages. While I appear to be remain the TCU Senate and myself and Unfortunately, Tufts students popular with Jesse Levey and his Jesse Levey, whose mother loves apathetical and do not writing mother, who loves him very much him very much despite what people about goodness things wh,ich we despite what peoples say, I am say, have been working very hard do always and a lot. All Tufts disapointingwith the general cam- and long and deep on to accom- students write about myself and pus feelings that 1 do nothing but plishing for the Tufts communities the TCU Senate is making us look talk a lot a lot and not got anything on this great hill with light on it and bad and badly. This is upsetting like finished or done and accom- although I am a confident, black, me tofUll.So I hopethis Viewpoint African-American male, these inspiringtoallofyou to writegood Larry Harris is being a TCU Presi- disappontingsstill have me bother, things about me and Jesse and dent of the TCU. He is major in some. Senate. We should all be actively Englishes. He are dedicated and This year, the Senate has play- contributoring to the Tufts Com- hardworking-like-a lot. ing big part in improvementing munities.GO JUMBOES!! Both Sack dat ass up! Let’s dat thong! Bahylgotyo‘money! Racism, disrespectful see .. a. N By gender partisanship, rampant among - Indonesian minorities in Bosnian gay community, hurts Taiwan-facultvd communication by Random Viewpoint Generator the last and first time I will ask our intolerant and overly tolerant, hypersensitive and not-caring ad- Due to my apathetic conservative standing as a ministratorsto support my fellow South Asians. Asia harrassedminoritybisexual AsianTCU Senator, I feel is a place, dammit! India - one of the countries in the need to address the rampant housing South Asia - has lots of Indians. Tons and tons of shortage prevalent amongst our pro gun Indians! Probablyover300 million billion trillion & Both I like‘em big and round! Thong, th-thong thong thong! Dirty wants his money control student activists. but I’m not sure the The disrespectful nature of the general exact number. At apathetic coed greek harrassment has ren- least 200 of those wo-dzy period in Meyer Campus Center and Dewick Macphie dered this partisan minority voting rights Indians go to Tufts. iining hall. The 119 participants were chosen at random and repre- supporter dissillusioned.And it’s time some- More Indians! Jews! iented students who live both on and off campus. Comments were onehere speaks up, because the faculty has TCU Senate President Larry Harris welcomed and all answers were anonymous. done nothing but ignure the pleas ofthe Jews. coed housing problems ignomtminority.TTLGBC Tufts needs more blacks and more dorms, \ TASA gay marriage partisan politics John McCain. 3bservations: less Jews and less prep school kids, more Apathetic Republican disrespecthl! Jesse Levey and A significantnumber of female upperclassmenwere against backin’ money and fewer Harvard rejects. Then again, it’s a goat. ip dat thing. more the Senate’s fault than Craig Waldman. This is President DiBiaggionakedquadrun Indian. Hotung Underclassmen tended to not worry, because baby, I got yo’ money. - .. sportsbarrenovation!?Mel Bemsteindipmeinchoco- ‘The 4 percent of participants who classified themselves as non- Political science senior junior apathy. Jew Black late and thrown to the Lesbians. Asian American ieterosexual all responded in favor of the co-ed housing option. Asian Muslim Community at Tufts. hatred community activist Finklestein? Damn right. The sexual orientation question was optional.) Zomments: ... ’Babywhen we grindin’, I get so excited...you makin’ it hard fo me.” Please, please stop writing ‘Put it in yo’ mouth.” ‘Saymy name, say my name!” by the Viewpoints Department The following people are henceforth banned from being published on the Viewpoints page. We are aware ofour standing as a community forum, and ofyour inherent right to free speech, but your writing sucks and or you’re obnoxious. Please, please, stop bothering us. Ralan Hill- @#%$! Larry Harris -** Jesse Levey -** Ralan Hill - @#%$! Craig Waldman -* * Anoop Swaminath Ralan Hill - @#%$! Andrew Quan -** Howard Lien -** Ralan Hill - @#%$! Michael DeLuca-** Alethea Peters - * * Ralan Hill -@#%$! Carole Corm -* * Cyril Thomas -* * No Unauthorized Prof. Charles Inouye -** Dumping -- (**-- indicates we really aren’t kidding.) (@#%$! - indicates please graduate soon.) The Viewpoints Department gives good head. 8 I a ACROSS ,Y Fulfill 5 Beer choice 10 Bath and Ems t 14 Pakistani tongue 15 Madonna role #Cod or May fl Level 1 Jtf Prepare to run 1 after the catch 3 zt%tadium sport 22 Used a suction $2i; 6gzfor-one 3& Ancient items Takes five 36 Galoots 38 short sleep & "Do -others as..." 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But don'twoq, Friendwill be appreciatiwbutwatchoutforfallingobjtxts. Don't make any big one letter to each square, to tom, x thiipiUgetwow. Avoidpapershredders andany acidicliquids. Alocked, deciions until the moon's rays are in retrograde and strike the library roof at four ordinary words dark mmisyour batbet Anddon't drop thesoap. dimtricallyopposedrightangles. Taum--Todajis a22-Youdmeetatall,darkand handrcrmeman. Hed SCorpio-Tday is an8-Tcdayyou'refstrong forceful and a,wltiVe. I seem~teriousbutdon'twony,youcanstiUgohomewithhim.Makesureto You go. girl. Tell pplehow you really feel. Professors and mmates always monitoralcoholconsumption--haw atleasttendrinkstoday. needrealitychtxks. Itsyour~obtotellthemaowannoyinRtheyare.They'll thankyou for yourinsights. Theywillnotbesarcastic, really. Gemini--Today is a 5 -You maybe just about ready to take action. Don't Itwill inwersibiychange your life. If youdon't listentomeyouwilltevery Sagittarius-Today is a 4-more ofthesame old, same old. Nothing new &= 4 futuremidortunebacktootoday Heedthiiwaming will happen.Youwilstumblethroughthedalinadare.Blah,blah, blah. Cancer -Today is a6+Yoursexual fantasy will come true today. Several Capricorn-Today is an8-You arein~igentnow,evenmrethanusud pplewiUdeclaretheirendlessdeMtion andadmirationfor you. Yourfuture Sotrynotto messup,you idiot Today willbe aday ofsigdicantpro-. You v containswealth,sucasandlotsofsex. Becarefulnottobetoosexy Itcould willsucceedinwhatevervideo gameyou pursue. Jumpwhen you gettothebig am;lctamob. dragon inlevel 3andtheprincesswillbyours. 1 ariw -Today is a 5-Thiiis the dawning of age. free toexpres h-Tdayisa4-You havebeenponderingapurchaseforquitesome. your Feel Now arrange the arded letters to Skip the Ferrari for amoremiblepurchase-a&k,perhaps. Afiiend from If. Nudityisnotabadoption. IfyoubuildiftheywiUcome(wink,wink). form mesurpriseanswer,as sug thepastwillmm Youdumpdher somoveonadon'twenmi&r@g gested by the above cartoon. 'e, backtogetherevenifsheiswearingthatsexyredhaltertop.Imeanit. She's Pisces -Today is an 8-Your hunches should be pretty god. Your TA hookingup with your roomate while you arein the shower. definitelywantsyou. Gofor it. An Aisdefiiitelyworththe10minuteeffort I-=R You'renotjustb~~foU~gah~~it'sa~U~al~I~~~(just1i~ (Answers tomonow) Virgo -Today is a7-You probably have to backdawn fromsomethig you all the answerson your exam will be if you follow through ). sahtrday's I Jumbles: GUISE MOURN DIVERT INNATE thinkisimportant WhoneeQ adqdomaan)rwa)s? Answer: Whyhepurchasedthehotel- Graduatingissaiodycnenakd FOR AN 'INN'-VE!jTMENT p ConsultwantadsonfollowingpageforMcDonaldslistin@. -CRNS PsychicFriends Senrice Lecture Series Barry White lecture PiesI. in Soace Campus Center, Room 209, 5:30 p.m. "Finding a Spiritual Home" Speaker: Rev. Candidates Meeting P. G. N. Blanket Fun with playdo. And election stuff, too. TODAY Film Series Strategic Gaming Society Goddard Chapel, 12-1 p.m. Schwartz Room, Campus Center, 8 p.m. Ernest Goes to Tub Weekly Meeting: Costume Party So Joe is, like, such a jerk Bamum 08,9 p.m. Campus Center, Room 209,8 p.m. TITS Sitting on your butt society Come hear about the incredible (Tufts Institute for Trampoline Sex) General Interest Meeting inadequacies of Jane's boyfriend. (Not) Study Abroad Jews in Shoes Jackson Gym, 8:30 p.m. Youe own room, 9 p.m. 8 a.m. to midnight, daily. General Interest Meeing for those who are Bring your favorite Steve Maddens 3P4 Carmichael remaining at Tufts Olin 102, 8:30 p.m. Large Conference Room, Campus Center, Observer Tufts Society for Blue Shirt-Wearing, 2-4 D.m. Weekly Meeting. Curtis Hall. Animal Rights Recyclers (TSaSWARR) Weekly meeting. Must wear blue shirt. No lather allowed. TOMORROW Crane Room Tufts Biology Society 7:30 p.m. Make your own bacteria Crafts House, 7:30 p.m. e- Alcohol Ed. for info call Gabe Wickeramasikeran @ How to mix really good cocktails 78 1-495-5934 "Can someone PLEASE draw me a picture of a penis?? Leam how to mix a mean martini and not get caught by your RA. BYOB. International House --a certain Daily Editor-in-Chief Campus Center, room 2 18 General Meeting 7:30 p.m. - 8:30 p.m. Black BMW on Curtis Ave, 8 p.m Late, Drunken Night at the Daily