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Downloading;C of Free Possibility Because, Let’S Face It, That, I’Mpretty Confidentthat He’Ll “I Think We’Re Doing This Kid a Duke Sucks The Daily- Weather Forecast Today Saturday Sunday Castro found off Cloudy with a chance of TorrentialQuan, heaviest neai Unzmnr naknrl Anrlrmuni isn Rmmfinlrl-Dnarcnn ntIUI GVV uuai I I mrclry, IIOI.”U, WIU,”.. UUUlI I Yl “I I Ill”,U I ”UI ““I I Florida coast. High: Higher than the low High across the US: 1,256 High: Subjectively Warm Early this morning, the US Coast Guard identified the unconscious body ofcuban Dictator Fidel Castro floatingon a hand-made raft four miles Thankfully the snow has sublimated and ablated by now. This weekend there is a kom the beaches of Key West. Initial reaction from the collection of chance of tw and I+, although the boundary layer winds may preclude any significant homosexual residents, Jewish vacationers, and dolphins was subdued. overrunning. A confluent flow will encourage cyclogenesis, and a high omega and In Little Havana, protestors immediately took to the streets, helicity might result in some convection. The RUC, MRF, AVN, NGM and UKMET shouting obscenities at the INS through the assembly of news computer models are in agreement on this one. The ECMWF, NOGAPS, NGM, ETA cameras. “Don’t send him home! ,” one Cuban American shouted, and MM5 are fighting with one another, but right now I am leaning towards the MOS “Heshouldn’thavetoliveunderCastro’srule...oh,heisCastro.. .Urn: output, although I am a little worried that the Theta-e ridge axis will complicate ‘.. ,% ** I don’t know. Fuck Cuba!” things all along the eastern seaboard come Monday. So, enjoy your weekend and Attorney General Janet Reno sided with the Democrats in what has hope for some anticyclonic flow around here sometime soon. Oh, and those of you quickly become apartisan issue. Apparently, Castro’syounger brother, Raul, passed INS evaluation as a suitable guardian and his offer to take with interests in Africa, they are getting one hell of a Harmattan down there. Damn custody overthe agingand frightenedcommunistwas deemedgenuine. that‘s some hot weather. - Weather forecast by Daily Editor Weird A/ Yankovic House Republicans, however, are staunchly opposing deporta- tion. Texas Governor George W. Bush, in an obvious campaign ploy, pledged to join in the human chain around Elian Gonzalez’ home, Brenner yearns for Jumbo balls where Castro is now living. “En el nombre de Jesus cristo, nosostros decimos ‘NO’,’’said Bush with Jeb whispering in his ear. “Who the Tufts DaiZy Editor-in-Chief wet ;s with anticipation hell is Castro anyway,” he muttered, and left the podium. bylVANAHUMPAIDT again” MacMannis, when asked SUCK,” MIT point guard Skip Men’s Basketball Team Biatch to comment on the squad’s new Lucey said. “That guys a terd.. .and c McCain admits to love Men’s basketball coach Bob secretweapon said, “Even though if I ever get my hands on him, I’m Sheldon announced yesterday his jump shot is ugly and needs gonna beat his ass.” that Tufts Daily Editor-in-Chief more arc, Jordan is quite the heck- “I just hope he doesn’t get into affair with student Jordan Brenner will be on the ler. If nothing else, he’ll be an an- any fights,” Dairy sports editor Arizona Senator John McCain held a press conferenceyesterday Jumbo roster next year, as a fifth- noying presence on the bench, Neal McMahon said concerning to explain to the American people the reason he denied for so long year senior, after being cleared for which should help us win some Brenner’s hostile antics in the his affair with asophomore college student,Jesse Levey. Levey, who anextra yearofeligibility.Brenner, clutchgames.But ifhe EVERtalks Daily-Observer basketball game. attends asmall liberal arts school in Massachusetts,met the senator a 5’10”, 85 Ib-mass of strength is to me at a Daily party again, I am “I kinda would have liked to see through his work with the United Leaders. expected to pose a threat both on gonna level his ass.” that though.. .he would have got- “We kissed aftera book signing in Harvard Square,”McCain said. and off the court in the recent “I feel really close to the team, ten his ass kicked.” “I was in the middle of campaigning, a very emotional time.” ECAC ChampionshipTeam’srun especially Bobby MacMannis” Brenner’s “girlfriend,” Paula McCain made it clear that he would not apologize for his actions. for another title. ’ Brenner said. “It was just great at Ramer is ecstatic about the new “It’s the gooks and pinko’s fault, not mine.” Brenner, who was actually ac- the ECAC’s when he came over announcement. “I am just so Military officials revoked McCain’s pension and disability pay- ceptedto Duke University his first and hugged the fans, I will always happy. I mean, I quit the daily to ments upon hearing the news. The military appreciates McCain’s choice and fantasy since grade rememberthatone.I’mjustsoglad get away from him, andnow he’ll brave service during Vietnam, General Colin Powel toldreporters, but school, decided to attend Tufts, I can be a part of that.” be gone all the time!!” she said. can not condone homosexuality, even in former prisoners-of-war. where he was promised a spot in “I like basketball,” Brenner said “Even better, now I can stop Surprisingly, McCain shot up in the recent Reuters poll. It seems the starting five right off the bat. ofhis dream come true. “I play it a shouting out the names of men’s that the scandal, and McCain’s decision to leave the presidential However, hislackofdexteritywith lot. And1watch ittoo. IthinkI’Il fit basketball players when we’re race, has not discouraged independents across the nation to aban- his left was seen as an early prob- right in with the boyz.” fucking! !It was about time for me don the resurgent Republican. “I don’t know care if he’s talking lem on the court. But after hard “Uuum yea, ifthattwiggy freak to kick his ass ifhe kept making me about the iron triangle or the Bermuda triangle,” Levey said, “I just work, and thanks to watching the ever calls us his ‘boyz’ again, I do that. And believe me, I CAN think he’s damn sexy.” men’s team play, now he can go think we might have to kick his kick his ass.” w equally with both hands, if you ass,” sophomore seldom used fan In his spare time, and between Putin denounces KGB: know what I mean.. .and I think favorite Brucie Bruce Reese said. practices, Brenner has also gra- you know what I mean. “I’m alittle bitconcemed,”jun- ciously accepted the position of After four years ofwarming up ior co-captain Dan “Big Turkey” sports editor’s Jon Japha’s per- “Russian letters cooler” to coach Sheldon in golf class, Flaherty said. “To be quite honest sonal secretary. “He needs a lot of According to the new Russian president, Vladimir Putin, the kissing anyone remotely related with you, the guy’s a nerd. But I work, but I’m sure we can whip him American alphabet, much like its people, culture, and political to the basketball team’s ass, and guess it’s just as well he’s on the intoshape,”Japhasaid. “A~wwww b system, is “entirely worthless.” Other than Dawson’s Creek, said the generally making a mockery out team now.. .he thinks he’s been on naw, my boy’saballer.”One stipu- militaristic politician, America only exports “Michael Jordan, himselfat men’s basketball games, the team for the past four years lation, however, is that Brenner McDonalds, and Brittney Spears.” Brenner’s wet dream has finally anyways. Now we don’t have to will be prohibited from all food Putin used his inaugural addressto defend the war against Chechnya, become a reality: to ride the pine kick his ass.” ordering lists, and he will’not be Russia’s break-away republic. With a continued focus on the “evil for the Brown and Blue. “Personally, I think it’s sick permitted to discuss Duke basket- empire,”he IikenedNATOexpansion,America’sattackon Serbia, and Sheldon had originallyplanned and perverted.. .his obsession ball. even the Civil War to Russia’s recent incursion into Chechnya. to make this announcement on with themen’s basketball team that “I don’t care what the hell he’s “The CIA told us that Osama Bin Laden was being housed in Senior Night, where Brenner was is:’ sqhzxn OE Daily sports edi- doingnext year,” junior Daily sports Chechnya, among his fellow Muslim activists,” Putin said. “We to be honored for his exceptional tor Erin Desmarais said. “And if I editorAdam Kamins said. “I’m sick thought we were doing the US a favor.” ability to get on peoples nerves, ever catch him checking out my of him calling me Casper, and I State Department SpokespersonJames Rubin officialscondemned both on and off the court, How- boyfriend onthe court, I’ll whomp think I’m gonna kick his ass.” Putin in the name of Clinton, the father, the son, and the holy ghost. ever, in honor of Brenner’s pas- his scrawny ass.” “He’s not very good at basket- “I wasupallnighttryingtothinkofagoodwaytosaythatSyriahates sion for Duke basketball, Sheldon Sheldon’s main concern with ball ...” Daily editor Russell Israel, and that Americans don’t know enough about Africa to do decided to postpone the breaking Brenner’s ability on and off the Capone said. “If he ever bugs me anything. So, I’m not ready to speak on the topic of Russia. I know news until Duke’s capture of an court, isfmdingauniformthat will about a goddamn deadline again, this, though, Putin’s bad, democracy’s good, and Clinton won’t care NCAA Championship.After much fit Brenner’sscrawnyframe.
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