CONTENTS For The Nigerian Youth, Long 20 May We Reign

By Chinasa Anukam 04 Movement: A tool for collective Black liberation 22 Beyond The White Gaze by Ja’miil Millar by Furqan Mohamed

06 Crisis of faith 24 How Facing A Major Trauma by Nic Wayara During Covid-19 Reset My Entire World 08 Diaspora Blues by Gena Chang-Campbell by Afua Anku In Bloom: A young woman 26 re-examines what caring for her 09 On Food, and Nurturing Our sister truly means Most Authentic Selves by Melissa Murphy Bee Quammie

7th Day 10 by Omi Ra Black girl in OASIS 28 by Tayo Bero Nwanyeruwa: A moment for the women 12 who have led and shaped Nigeria’s Why The Great Reset Of 2020 Resistance Movements by Oniye Okolo 34 Was Exactly What I Needed by Tanya Hayles The big shift: Finding balance and 14 fulfilment as a first-time mother by Venita Campbell How Losing My Job Helped Me 36 Pursue My True Passion Adulting: How a global pandemic by Sylvie Soulet 16 altered the course of a young student’s journey by Debbie Madueke How Old School Hits Motivated 36 And Help Me Me Regain My Love How Imposter Syndrome Unmasked 18 Itself to a Black Womxn in Teacher’s Of Music College by Bunmi Adeoye by Renee Shian Baker

MOVEMENT Reclaiming movement as a self-care tool can provide

us with more opportunities to show up better for our A tool for collective “communities, our relationships and the one common “ Black liberation denominator within all of those things, ourselves.

by Ja’miil Millar

y initial experiences with movement practices like yoga and pilates actually hindered my connection to it. Moving in classes with people that didn’t look like me and being taught by the same, eventually took a toll. Navigating these spaces also brought complicated feelings and Mquestions of appropriation through the wellness industry’s delivery of yoga. I also often felt pressured to ignore my body’s cues in these classes, by holding poses that didn’t feel good in fear that I would be judged or corrected by the instructor if I didn’t. Even before I took my first yoga class—which wasn’t until university—the industry in North America has been telling a story about who it wants to appeal to, for quite some time.

My socialization in middle and high school played a role in how I understood who these spaces were made for. There’s something to be said about who wore brand name yoga clothing head to toe, while I rocked Phat Farm and Converse. These experiences inevitably led me to write these practices off as just not for me and naively even accepted it as not for us - Black women as a collective. Now, although there is much to critique about the state of movement and wellness as an industry, this piece is about my changed perspective on movement as a practice. It’s important that I laid out my past experiences because today, moving my body is really about reclamation. It’s about reclaiming a tool that can be utilized to preserve our bodies and minds in a world that is consistently trying to break, harm and challenge our livelihoods. A large part of this reclamation process can that is an act of political warfare.” Caring for I’ve felt grateful and privileged to have found moments to reflect on the concept of the purpose be attributed to a movement teacher training ourselves is a way to care for our community. of self-care in between the pandemic voids. I believe that preserving an intentional relationship program that I’m currently participating in. It’s an act of resistance. The bottom line is this: with myself is a service to my community. Taking care of ourselves is in service of community, This program is led by a Hamilton, Ontario we have the right and the agency to move our simply because we bring so much into the spaces we occupy in society. This can include our based studio called GoodBodyFeel. This bodies in ways that feel good. It’s a beautiful woeful experiences, which are often a call to slow down and rejuvenate ourselves. However, studio’s mantra, leadership and overall culture thing to explore, to find your breath and hold in a capitalist society, we’re told to push through no matter what. There is an alternative. Not is radical about bringing your full self to their yourself first. It’s one step in a long and pausing or taking moments for ourselves is not sustainable and now more than ever, we can spaces as you are. The GoodBodyFeel method winding process to liberation: a step that we see that slowing down is vital for our survival. is a recognition and practice of accessible and can always come back to, as a mode to reset, inclusive movement practices, from the poses step back and push forward. Finding time for self-preservation is easier said than done. It can easily shape shift into guilt that are taught in class, to the exclusive spaces Take this as a loving push to move your body if we’re not careful. Having said that, taking time to move our bodies is not selfish. I see it as for BIPOC people, to the sliding scale class and take time for yourself. But if you’re like me, community care. Don’t just take my word for it—this Well + Good article includes quotes by fees. GoodBodyFeel’s approach has opened none other than Angela Davis. She shares about her years of experience practicing yoga, the and that’s hard to do, take this as a loving push my eyes to avenues I hadn’t really considered, to move your body for the collective, for your need for self-care and how it prepares her for to be more effective in the face of struggle. My thinking of the possibilities of movement. favourite quote is as follows, “As a result of yoga I am more energetic…I am able to appeal to community, and for the movement. people and to organize them to do the kinds of things that are vital to our freedom.” This is just As said by Audre Lorde, “caring for myself is it, movement as a tool for collective liberation not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and

4 5 I read that at the outset of the pandemic, some of us felt noticeably calm, apparently unmoved by the shifting of life as we knew it. I suppose when you have trauma coursing in your blood and calcified in your bones, catastrophe seems almost mundane. Therein lies lesson two: tuck away the messy evidence of your fragility and tenderness.

Crisis of Many days and nights after those Saturday morning calls, I cried, rife with worry that mama, who was self-isolating with no one but her cat, would fall more ill. At this point, though it was clear that the pandemic was ravaging Black and Brown communities at disproportionate rates, to have it come so close to home—my first home—seemed unfathomable.

Panic now mocked the steadiness I had proudly boasted in previous months. In one episode of despair, I sat, ass-to-concrete on my apartment balcony as the Vancouver FAITH rain fell in front of me. Struggling to fill my lungs with air, I clutched my chest through tears. “Who the fuck is in control? Where is God?” I demanded answers from no one By Nic Wayara and everyone, all at once. But what I got instead felt futile, and as indiscriminate as the virus itself.

As a child, and well into young adulthood, the church shaped my world and governed the way I saw myself within it. I grew up attending and eventually teaching Sunday school, spent summers wrangling children at Vacation Bible School camps, and There’s a rumbling at our feet. All around us, seismic shifts buckle endured nearly 10 years of Christian education, youth group, worship teams and the foundations that, for too long, have worked to facilitate our choirs. But despite over a decade of devout worship, at some point the church

“ stopped feeling like home, like refuge. The amazing grace prophesized from the oppression. Many of us are excavating and examining the things pulpit became a barbed hook, and I was the fish: caught up, frantic, fighting, flailing. I seldom felt saved or safe within the doctrines that left me believing I was irreparably

that bring us purpose, pain, and pleasure in our daily lives. And all unworthy, unclean, and hell-bound. As I continued to wrestle with deep inferiority, my faith eroded to the point where I could no longer cling onto the notion that God the while, a global health pandemic “ rages on. The floor has been was at the helm of anything, good or bad—at least not the God I had come to know. falling out from underneath us.

Gratefully, and perhaps blasemphously, astrology has now become a powerful source of post-Jesus recovery, re-grounding and enlightenment for me. It’s gifted me an awareness to turn At the beginning of summer, my mama, a registered nurse at a long-term care facility, inward and witness my humanity with newfound wonder and began picking up extra shifts while a Covid-19 outbreak ravaged the unit’s residents and staff. “You can always call in sick,” I often suggested, attempting to assuage my acceptance. Cue lesson three: there is god in me. fears of her contracting the virus. “That’s just not right,” she’d reply, brushing away my angst like crumbs off a countertop. Naturally, extra work meant her increased exposure to the virus. But throughout June, mama remained steady, and assured me that things would be alright; she was covered. “I’m God’s gal,” she had proclaimed. I was born under a first-quarter moon, often referred to as a “crisis of faith” in astrology. I believe it’s one of the reasons I rise to the challenges ahead of me, It should be noted that intimate familiarity with life’s precarity has made Black address my fears head-on, and reconfigure what is tangible and real. Like my womanhood a masterclass of its own. Lesson one: ride the wave, and make it look foremothers, I make meaning from common catastrophe, and create joy through easy; even when it’s not. mundane chaos.

That reality would set in early one Saturday morning when my Aunt Violet phoned. So, as Covid-19 hurled crisis after crisis, and tested more than just my faith, it also Upon answering I knew I would learn of something terrible. “Call your mom, she’s... revealed to me where my power lies. Months later, now that mama has recovered, just call her,” Violet insisted, audibly pained. Frantic, I hung up, and hit Mama on and her health has restored, I admit that in my most vulnerable moments, I consider speed dial. As the phone rang, my mind turned to static, time blurring, then stopping returning to old beliefs and familiar ways. But now I am in search of new lessons, altogether. To be quite honest, my stomach hasn’t stopped churning since. Mama ones untethered to the exploitation of my pain, fear, and loathing. Old ways no longer had tested positive for Covid-19 and my unravelling begun. sustain me, no matter how desperate I am for an anchor or lifeline. Lesson four: Forget about control and press onward, one shaky-footed step at a time.

6 7 But racism, anti blackness, misogynoire breathes here too. DIASPORA It blows its confusion, othering, hate, alienation, Even now as I write this, I have my Notes app and destruction into my life subtly, an impact open on my phone, jotting down my grocery nonetheless. list in order to craft more culinary greatness. No one told them I would have to be BLUES exceptional, and learn to have a worth ethic Afua Anku only a team of 10 bodies can produce.

But I tried, mediocrity can’t exist in my black Food is nourishment that sustains our bodies girl‘s body. and our spirits. It carries history and memories If the world must recognize me, if I want my - both collective and individual. A plate of ackee humanity to be respected, just a little. I would and saltfish connects me to the innovation of have to be great. my ancestors. A bowl of cornmeal porridge reminds me of the ways my Jamaican mother warmed us in the Canadian winter. Food connects me to my mother, bringing me back to the ultimate core of who I am. I came from But how can I be great when every chance her, and even at my big big age, I am still anyone gets they deposit hate in me? shaped by her - from calls in the grocery store Between the gut wrenching World Vision to ensure I’m picking up the right ingredients, commercials, and hundreds of harmful tropes On Food, and to video chats where she observes my cutting Black women have had to play in movies boards and pots with an attentive eye. and series, the representation I needed for Over the past couple of years, many things reassurance, for confidence, for a healthy self have shaken me from the comfortable perch esteem all didn’t exist. Nurturing Our of life I was living on. In the moments where I feel the most vulnerable and discardable, To be found, to find my true self, I have had I remember the moments when I’ve felt the to create spaces for myself and black women safest and most loved - and food is an indelible to authentically be black, and woman. To Most Authentic part of those memories. Recreating those view my africanness, my blackness, and my dishes extends beyond just filling my belly - it womanhood as a positive, I have had to do the makes me feel like a whole person. Food shows work for myself. me that I can make it through the discomfort Selves I’m feeling, and that if nothing else, I can have It’s hard to understand why black Americans, a glimmer of pleasure in my day when it’s time and the black diaspora cling on to stories and By Bee Quammie to sit down for a meal. narratives that make us proud, and happy to be black. The same way my mother injected love into Crisis has a way of bringing us back to the core of who we are. Think about the physiological the dishes she prepared for my siblings and I, I responses our bodies have when faced with stress or danger: evolutionary survival mechanisms I’m even lucky because I am Ewe, and kind try to do the same each time I place a bowl in mean that our hearts beat faster to pump more blood to our extremities, our senses get of have access to my heritage. Imagine being front of my own children. Food is cyclical, and sharper, our lungs expand to take in my oxygen, and glucose and fats get released from their I have accepted I don’t belong. ripped from your culture, traditions, spirituality, a unique marker of time. Once, after enduring storage spaces to give us more energy. Without us being aware, the body calls into itself and your people, you. plaintive cries from the back seat of my car The Canadians ask me “where are you from”, my complexion doesn’t grant me the access to provides what is needed for survival. participate freely in my nationality. The Ghanaians ask me “Where are you from?” My accent while my children begged for fast food, I asked Would you not find every positive and powerful doesn’t grant me the right to my roots. them “Do you have McDonald’s money?” and black narrative necessary to finding yourself instantly time traveled to the past and back For majority of my life I have been lost. again? In a less acute and more gradual way, my body has been calling into itself more and more over to the present again. Food brings me back to the past year. In true Taurean nature, I’ve been taking greater care of my senses to make sure I’m I don’t necessarily fit in anywhere. What is a home? Where will my soul feel at peace? Where will Allow the black diaspora to fall in love with the essence of who I am, and strengthens me surrounded by things that feel, smell, look, and sound pleasing - but nearly nothing has been as I be accepted? When will I have to stop fighting to simply exist? our roots however complicated it may be, is as I evolve into the person I’m meant to be. necessary. important in my personal reset as the things that taste good. From moments of crisis to moments of stasis; I know my parents thought they were doing the best thing for me. Ghana failed them, so they On my birthday back in May, I spent the morning perfecting my favourite meal of ackee and from watching revolutions and quarantines didn’t want to fail me. We are no longer waiting to belong. We have saltfish, enjoying it on my couch in a pretty dress, a red lip, and complete silence. As the weather unfold; through all of life’s changes, food calls I get it. Trust me, Canada seemed like a place where despite my race and vagina, I would have decided to create our own spaces, we have has turned cooler, I’ve pulled out the nutmeg and cinnamon for hearty bowls of cornmeal porridge, me back to myself and helps me to survive, in access to opportunities and success. They thought I could fulfil my dreams with ease, just like decided to do the work to be black, powerful, warming me up like an inside-out hug. more ways than one. everyone else. and everything else they told us we can’t be.

8 9 SOON, THE MAGIC OF THEIR SIGHT WAS TESTED. THE “ SKIES CRACKED OPEN AND FROM IT A STORM UNLIKE “ ANY BEFORE PEELED THROUGH THE LAND AND DESTROYED ALL THAT STOOD IN ITS PATH. 7th

The night before the storm would take set of the Black Woman, one endowed with the Shoulders jumping, eyes watering, running on the land, Earth Woman was given a vision divine talent of shepherding Us to a new Path. back and forth on ashy brown feet. that led Earth people to shelter through the Earth Woman went on to become the ancestor Black femmes laying in the sun, edges free and DAY storm. After the Earth people emerged from of All who walk the earth today but few honour skin browning lips smacking with the fragrance DAY where they rested, they observed all that had their lessons. Before they went on to Glory, of joy on their breath. by Omi Ra surrendered to the skies. The land they knew they warned us of the death and destruction seemed desolate, but together they found that would come through the night and steal In the presence of freedom, hearts light as God that they had been provided a gift to create all that which we cherished. In the eyes of their herself intended. something new. Together, Earth Woman and all pupils, this is loss of respect, knowledge and Memories of the past rest only on a fresh who called the Earth home tended to the Land. understanding of the land and its people. It is spring breeze overshadowed by the low hum With the omnipotency of Creator they used the conquering of land and their people, the of the ancestor’s song.” Earth Woman thrived in union with all around their divine gifts to restore their home. The Fire drawing of state lines and the forgotten magic them, knowing all the Beings that walked the cleared the way for the New, the insect spread of the Spirit. Earth. After Earth Woman became one with the n the sixth day, after the Earth was divided between the technology of life, and Earth Woman used Earth’s inhabitants, Tree, Herb and Animal, they the living land, sea and the heavens and all that lived their Sight to chart a way through. This work, collectively wove together the skills that they’d Earth woman gave us this among them, the Creator took the Earth Woman like Creator’s, took 6 days. been loaned from all Creation: justice, reciprocity from clay and breathed life into their body.Their skin prophecy: and love. With the help of the herb, Earth Woman shone bronze, eyes blazed with the fire of creation, When Earth Woman spoke, all listened. Their was able to create medicine out of herb, and taken and their feet strong, rooted in the Earth. The Creator gift of Sight allowed them to thread together with the magic of Sunrise to protect the body from looked upon them with tender Love and Grace for the past, present and future, creating a moment malaise. With the help of the tree, Earth Woman they were noble and kind, and endowed them with always better than the last. They would look “And when the Lord spoke, a new dominion was able to connect to the deep wisdoms of the the magic of Sight. With this gift, they made Worlds within themselves and to the Land, receiving rose up. One made of dreams and visions of land and from the animal, Earth Woman was able where each was always better than the last. the messages of their Creator and using them to understand observation. In exchange, Earth to fashion freedom. black boys adorned with kinky hair, laughing Woman leaned into their languages and cared for For certain, whenever Earth Woman placed til bellies are full. them with the intention they asked. their hands in the Land, they created a New O World. This is known. And so, this is the origin

10 11 Throughout the #EndSARS protests, we witnessed young Nigerians speak up and demand justice from elected officials and state security agencies in what has felt for years like a Nwanyeruwa: never-ending battle of ‘state vs youth’. A moment for the women who have led and shaped Nigeria’s Resistance Movements However, we would“ be remiss not to high- light the vital and crucial contributions of by Oniye Okolo young Nigerian women, in not just lending their voices but also sustaining the protests for weeks.

The first protest I attended came about thanks to a Twitter user @LadyTiffs, who highlighted the need for the protests to spread to Lagos’ protests. With the support of the #EndSARS In a country where women have traditionally Island, and the next day we gathered at the Legal Response team led by Moe Odele, The encountered significant roadblocks to political foot of the Lekki-Ikoyi Link bridge to march to Food Coven - a national food distribution office and continue to see reduced influence in the Deputy Governor’s house. By the second apparatus for the protests and popular Chef, political outcomes , how might we think of the day all major expressways had been blocked @chefobubu, protesters around the country best ways for women to continue excelling in by protesters, with mostly young Nigerians, were fed, had emergency health supplies and their roles of nation building, that allows us to chanting and calling for the disbandment lawyers on speed dial if there was a need to go beyond party politics? Civic participation of the now notorious Special Anti-Robbery bail out anyone arrested. calls for engaging with the different parts of Squad. One of the things that struck me was In the country’s capital of Abuja, popular governance required to make a country work, the presence of so many young Nigerian activist, Aisha Yesufu who was a part of both and in filling the vacuum of roles that exist, it is women who were lending their voices while the #BringBackOurGirls and #sexforbailisrape important to interrogate what this other work being insistent that roads remained blocked movements also lent her voice to the cause might look like. and oftentimes sitting on the coal tarred roads showing support to protesters across On a recent panel on filling leadership vacuums themselves, to prevent cars from moving Nigeria. Another female twitter user, Zara Dilli, at the 2020 Ake Festival, activist Boniface beyond the protest point. organized the first candlelight service in the Mwangi mentioned the importance of forming FCT in honour of those who had died, an idea and supporting causes that are rooted in Support that would go on to be replicated across the ideology and a common goal beyond what county. sometimes feels like checking a diversity box. Initially starting as a donation request for In the aftermath of the protests, following With the current paucity of women in political N50,000, for protesters who spent the night at President Buhari’s address and thinly veiled office, it is crucially important that we see rom the Aba Women’s riots of 1929, where With the #EndSARS protests of October 2020, the Government House, popular Lagos-based threats to protesters, there have been calls for more women run for and win. However, our women across Eastern Nigeria protested an this was no different. An added bonus however, podcaster Feyikemi Abudu (@FkAbudu) was increased political participation from Nigerian collective vision of what change looks like impending tax through sophisticated means was the recognition of all the different efforts able to build a full fundraising and protest youth as part of the next phase of engagement. should push us further than having one or two such as ‘sitting’ on men, to the tax revolt and led by women in real time. In a country that support unit to support protesters across the In these suggestions, some have prodded Fem sensible people in office. It should have us literacy classes for market women in the 1940s sometimes feels at odds with itself on how best country. And as protests continued to spread Co to transition into a political party. For the asking whether or not Nigeria currently works organized by Funmilayo Ransome-Kuti in the to engage, include and maximize the potential rapidly, a group known as The Feminist first time in our lifetimes, young Nigerians bore for women and allows women the space to South-West, Nigerian women have always of women, October 2020 has reminded us that Coalition, founded in July 2020 by Odunayo witness to what fundraising and accountability excel, and what steps we need to be taking as played key roles in the fight for freedom against women are ready and able to continue doing Eweniyi and Damilola Odufuwa, stepped up to on a large scale can do - and that this a collective to fix the areas where we find gaps. ineffective governments, and for better political the work of nation building and seeking a better support the protests. Armed with a group of 12 exemplary leadership came from a group of representation. Nigeria. other women, they were able to set up a fund women is not coincidental. As we think of next While Fem Co presents itself as a great case study to receive donations from people around the steps, and acknowledge the challenges faced in what can be achieved when women come FInitially sparked by a viral video of a Special Anti-Robbery Squad officer shooting a young man on October 3rd in Ughelli, world to support the movement. by already-existing and relatively new political together and are supported by a common mission, Delta State, the protests took on a life of their own and quickly spread across the country. From Lagos, Abuja, Port-Harcourt The Feminist Coalition - which quickly became parties, should the creation of new political we must not relent in interrogating the everyday to Ogbomosho and Jos, amongst other cities, young Nigerians were calling for the disbandment of a rogue unit of the known as Fem Co - was able to create a parties be idealized as the next best step? hurdles women face while trying to push the status Nigerian Police Force popularly referred to as SARS. By October 9th, the first protests were held on the Lagos mainland, decentralized system to support the protests Should all good and accountable people seek quo and demand for a better and more just society. with concerned citizens who staged a sit-in at the Government House in Alausa. In a viral video of this incident, twitter users in 30 states in Nigeria, providing funding to run for office and ignore the other factors Supporting women is a conscious action that should became acquainted with a young woman - Rinu Oduala who was outspoken on the issues of police brutality and the horrors to protesters as long as they could provide that make the problems of fixing Nigeria more not be ignored until it is convenient. faced at the hands of the special anti-robbery squad. sufficient evidence of the legitimacy of their difficult with each passing day?

12 13 How many of us as girls heard horror stories whole myself, too. Balancing motherhood, of women losing their jobs upon revealing getting my body back, and achieving my career “their pregnancies, or not having successful aspirations were all important to me, and I job interviews because they were pregnant? couldn’t wait to reach my goals. How many of us as girls watched our mothers struggle and knew we wanted different for ourselves when starting our own families? And then it happened: the pandemic Let me shift gears: how many of us Black girls knew we had to work twice as hard in and subsequent quarantine. I thought school and work for any hope of recognition? to myself that this would be easy - I

Specifically in the Toronto area, studies show had basically been in quarantine with that many Black children face racial profiling that inhibits them from reaching their full my son for the last 11 months, making

potential. Of course, this later translates only essential trips and the few “me into our adult life in the workforce. How time” days here and there, treating my manager about working from home. The much intersectional trauma do we as Black time finally came, and I received my computer women face as children, into adulthood, and “ myself to shopping or a manicure. But, and started a new normal. It definitely has into motherhood? How much of this trauma I soon realized that everything would its challenges but I often think of the Black seeps into postpartum depression and the be different. It was a new normal: no mothers (especially single mothers) who stress that working Black mothers face? lost their jobs and are now playing the role more going for drinks with the girls, of teacher, housekeeper, cook, cleaner AND no more dinner or movie dates. My dealing with the intersectional trauma of being husband is an essential worker so he a Black woman. With the microscope on police brutality during the pandemic, in addition to was hardly ever home, and this also the violence being faced by Black women it added anxiety: what if he gets COVID has truly been triggering. Black women, and and brings it home to us? It became specifically Black mothers do so much and I know this story all too well. I worked our roles are never-ending. We’re strong for extremely hard to achieve success in my post- clear that quarantine was nothing like everyone, but who is strong for us? secondary education and tried to ensure that I just being home with my son. There was in a comfortable space to start a family. was so much more to consider and Going back to work (while not physically in the I experienced micro-aggressions and anti- office) is a time of adaptation for me because Black racist practices in the corporate world be concerned about. I now have to dedicate time that I had with and endured the mental trauma that followed. my busy toddler to ‘work stuff’. It has been With this in mind, I was actually happy to get a challenging and sometimes frustrating, but I ‘break’ from the working world during the last And what about me? What about getting back think this will be a good transitioning time for weeks of my pregnancy and for the year-long to work, getting back to me, not spending when I do have to actually be in the office and parental leave that followed in May of 2019. all day with my son? Those plans all went away from my son. As for myself, going back But in the weeks that led up to my due date, out the window. Everything I had in mind to work has required me to be on some kind of I actually experienced anxiety. I worried about for networking and career development got routine - I’ve added in working out and trying to The big shift: falling behind in my career development and pushed back yet again. This caused anxiety eat better. I may not stick to it every day, but I that I would essentially have to start from and stress for me, in addition to the fact that do try. Working from home isn’t necessarily the scratch upon my return. my baby wasn’t a baby anymore. When he was reset I imagined but it’s the card I was dealt, so Finding balance and fulfilment an infant, I honestly had so much more time I take it day by day. What I’ve learned during When my son was 8 months old, I started for myself - all he would do is eat, poop and this pandemic and these first 18 months of planning my return to work. I began sending sleep. Now as a busy toddler, he walks, talks, motherhood is that if I’m not okay, I can’t be out emails, trying to get back in the groove touches, climbs, and my focus on him requires okay for anyone else. My peace of mind comes as a first-time mother of networking. I went on a few informational a different energy. first. Seeking out therapy, carving out me time interviews and I slowly prepared myself for this and knowing that each day above ground is a by Venita Campbell new reset of working mom life. My son was My parental leave ended in May of this year blessing has guided me throughout this period my motivation, but this was also about feeling and I was in constant communication with of motherhood.

14 15 From the outside, it seemed as if COVID-19 had Human interaction is extremely critical in stopped the world right before our very eyes. career development, and especially for my But for those in their early 20’s, the ones who sanity. The people you pass in the elevator had just completed university, real life was just or meet as you get coffee are often how you beginning. For us, the pandemic brought about learn to not just navigate but adapt to a new confusion, uncertainty, and anxiety at a time work environment. But in a remote setting, Adulting: that was already terrifying. The job market was my workplace consists of me, my laptop, my the worst it had been since the recession, and horrible internet connection, and a fluctuating companies were cancelling internships, and power supply. How a global pandemic altered the downsizing staff, following the typical strategy of last in, first out. LinkedIn was now filled with On the other hand, it has made me a lot bolder job rescission notifications, and I was terrified in the workplace as I have had to learn to be course of a young student’s journey that I was going to join them. Lady Luck must more vocal simply because if I do not speak, have been on my side because my offer was no one knows I am there. At the same time, not withdrawn. My own conundrum, however, I am trying to connect with colleagues just by Debbie Madueke was figuring out a way to return to my official like me, who are navigating the workplace in Parental control is not something I am particularly familiar with. I went from six years of boarding work location 6,624 miles away. In Nigeria, a completely new way. It has been surprisingly international travel had been cancelled since successful. school in another state to four years of university on another continent. So technically, I have not March 2020, and the only flights that were lived at home since I was 11 years old. When COVID-19 struck, I was right in the middle of leaving were evacuation flights for citizens who Adulting for me is no longer getting my own lived in America. In a nutshell, I was screwed! apartment, figuring out where and how to living my best life: live by myself, budgeting, or rather stretching Living in my parents’ house, working After three months of intense negotiation, I am my paycheck to its last cent. It has become had just graduated from university, secured a job, and My situation was a tad unique as these months were happy to now be able to work remotely until I the art of navigating a changing world while remotely in another time zone, and was planning to go on a myriad of trips before I was supposed to be my time for exploration and self- can leave the country; yes, even as I write this, simultaneously protecting my mental space. constantly hoping and praying that I am still in Nigeria. What this has translated to Hitting reset is adopting a positive spin on even contractually obligated to begin adulting. However, actualization. I had not had a break since I started the world sorts itself out soon. in the middle of March, I was called back home to university, but somewhere in the middle of a global is a very weird work schedule. Due to the time this situation. I have spent the most time with Nigeria to ride out the COVID storm. At first, it was pandemic, and life shocking me on all fronts, my difference, I usually work until 1 am every day, my family than ever before, and I am learning Hitting reset is accepting Adulting – only supposed to be for three weeks while the world months of enjoyment turned into a struggle to reset. but that is not the worst part. The realization and relearning about my country, my home Version 2020. sorted itself out, but that was now eight months ago. I had to reset my expectations for the time being, that my career will be entirely remote for at and myself. Hitting reset is adapting to what while also finding a way to adapt to my new normal. least the next year was a huge dampener. seems to be my new normal. Wish me luck! I was not the only one. As immigrants or children I was adamant about taking the much-needed break of immigrants, many of my friends and classmates from the hustle and bustle of regular life, but the were swiftly being flown back home. While some of lockdown did not make it easy. To survive, I stopped us were forced to finish our last semester online— watching the news entirely. I needed to find a way forfeiting the graduation ceremony that was set to to flee from reality and at the same time, accept the be the zenith of our entire university experience—the current situation. With reading as my new coping rest of us were required to join the labour force in mechanism, I have read over thirty books during the midst of a global pandemic. In short, we were all lockdown, thus far. trying to achieve maximum potential, while suddenly being back within the confines of our parents’ For those who stayed abroad, COVID-19 brought houses. about a completely different struggle: eligibility issues amidst increasing racial tension. Since courses We went from intense, sometimes terrifying were strictly online, were people able to remain in independence, to complete reliance. With that the country and still be within the requirements of reliance came parental control that many of us their visas? Would they even be able to work with were not used to, did not welcome, and for some, new regulations, based on recent graduate hiring quite frankly, could not handle. Living in an African procedures? All this was new and unknown, and household comes with its own hassles. For some, happening in the wake of George Floyd’s murder. So, it is not sleeping past a certain hour, while for while many of us questioned if a place remained for others, it involves always being present to respond us in these countries, post-pandemic, our peers were to demands. For women in their 20’s, there is also facing the recurring question of what it meant to be the added expectation to behave, cook or clean in a Black in the West. certain way. Under normal circumstances, we would only have to experience these things in small doses, but now we were living in it with no foreseeable end in sight. What a mindf@#*!

16 17 When I first walked into orientation for the Bachelor’s of How’s it possible for a Black womxn to excel in an institution that How Imposter Syndrome Education program—commonly known as Teacher’s College—I does not adequately represent or uplift the experiences I come immediately felt out of place. In a room full of hundreds from? Did Black womxn educators hold space in the Ontario of students, seeing the small clusters of Black colleagues school system? Should I continue with Teacher’s College? overpowered by a dominant White presence was unsettling. Unmasked Itself to a Black Womxn In that moment, I recalled when I first applied to the program I felt ousted and unworthy of my place. Imposter syndrome and highlighted the underrepresentation of Black educators in disillusioned my ideas of working in education. I carried these Ontario. What I wrote back then showed in the room that day. I thoughts throughout quarantine and just like everyone else, the in Teacher’s College started questioning why I was accepted into the program. Was it future to come appeared uncertain. to fill a diversity quota? I could never shake that uncertainty from The fifth month of quarantine changed everything for me. One my mind. Knowing that I wasn’t going to find a definitive answer restless night in July, I reflected on the only time I had a Black by Renee Shian Baker to that pained me the most. teacher in grade school. I’d never forget that impressionable Juggling the stressors of work plus all the commitments required school and the impact of having a Black womxn as an educator. from the program were challenging enough, but imposter The relationship between a Black girl and a Black womxn is an syndrome added additional stress. During a conversation with a irreplaceable connection and I felt that with her. As a teacher, colleague, I shared that I had more goals for myself aside from she embodied what it meant to see myself in such an important teaching - and their response shocked me. profession, even if it felt like it thrived off of my invisibility.

“Why are you in Teacher’s College if you don’t see yourself Then and there I had a reawakening. I drew myself back to teaching for the rest of your career?” they scoffed. This exchange education because I understood what representation meant for caught me off guard to say the least. During the conversation, myself as a young Black girl. Pushing the narrative of what it two feelings were running through my mind: I took offense, yet means to be a Black womxn in Education is my aspiration. And also felt undeserving of the space I was in. After that, I slowly I want that to happen. found myself regressing inwards. For Black womxn, experiencing Anti-Black racism and sexism Navigating my insecurities reached a pivotal point in February in academia means that running into imposter syndrome is 2020 . The Ministry of Education issued a report on the Peel inevitable. Learning to confirm those self-doubts has allowed District School Board—where I did my placement—revealing the myself to re-affirm my value and never lose sight on the goal. board’s complicity in Anti-Black racism. Moreover, the report Demand your presence and understand that our experiences are showed a contrast of the multicultural student body (83% unique and stem from larger societal realities that need to be percent of secondary school students in Peel are from Non- dismantled. It is crucial to grasp that imposter syndrome is not White racial backgrounds), with the overt representation of our friend. Liberate yourself from it. White staff in Peel (Chadha et al., 2020).

Reading these numbers, I wrestled with the idea of working in education; something that I dreamed of doing from a young age.

Works Referenced There are aspects of my first year of Teacher’s Imposter syndrome refers to the innate emotions an individual has when College back in September 2019 that I never want it comes to their competency and/or successes. People with imposter “ Lee, E., & Morfitt, P. (2020). Imposter Syndrome, Women in Technical Services, and Minority Librarians: syndrome often have feelings of being a fraud or unqualified within an relive again—and I haven’t. However, coming environment, regardless of past qualifications (Lee & Morfitt, 2020). The Shared Experience of Two Librarians of Color. Technical Services Quarterly, 37(2), pp.136-147. to terms with what I can now call “imposter While imposter syndrome is felt by almost everyone at some point, being Retrieved from DOI: 10.1080/07317131.2020.1728125 a Black womxn in academia adds a layer of racial microaggressions that syndrome” has helped me to comprehend the we withstand uniquely. The instinctive pressure to overperform along Chadha, E., Herbert, S., & Richard, S. (2020). Review of the Peel District School Board. Ministry of feelings I had throughout my program. with being an “outsider” in a predominantly White program creates Education. http://www.edu.gov.on.ca/eng/new/review-peel-district-school-board-report-en.pdf several conflicting thoughts of self-doubt, inadequacy and insecurity that are detrimental to our overall well-being.

18 19 Ironically, all the dysfunction we were bred in has only equipped young Nigerians for this moment and to be the best fighters this The Special Anti-Robbery Squad, popularly country has ever seen. Already dealing with a known as SARS, was founded in 1992 and has global health pandemic, nationwide university terrorised young Nigerians since. A damning strikes and devastating economic conditions, report by Amnesty International recorded 82 FOR THE NIGERIAN yet another viral video showing a SARS officer cases of SARS violations over the past three shooting a young man in front of Wetland years including beatings, hangings, mock Hotel, Ughelli, Delta state was the straw that executions, sexual assault and waterboarding. broke the camel’s back and in the days that It is routine for SARS officers to profile YOUTH, LONG MAY followed, thousands of young Nigerians took young people and fabricate charges against to the streets and social media demanding an them on the spot in a bid to extort them. In end to police brutality and the dissolution of October 2019, Yele Bademosi, a young tech SARS for good. WE REIGN entrepreneur based in Lagos, was kidnapped by SARS after a long day at work, only two What started out as a protest of a few thousand By Chinasa Anukam minutes away from his home. The SARS people in front of the Lagos State Government officers involved seized his phones, house house on the 8th of October exploded into an the voices of young people in the streets to keys, wallet and Apple watch. They went unprecedented decentralised social movement the massacre as ‘fake news’, despite an Growing up, my mum hawked plastic sachets of water on the streets of Benin city combat misinformation and propaganda by through his emails and claimed that he was and series of mass demonstrations against overwhelming amount of footage showing the local mainstream media houses owned and in order to pay for her secondary school tuition. Today, she is a sitting judge on the a ‘yahoo boy’ (internet fraudster) because he police brutality across the nation and the contrary. Additionally, President Muhammadu operated by the Nigerian Government. African Court of Human Rights. Even now as an adult, this feat amazes me, because was in communication with foreigners. world. At the helm of the organising was a Buhari GCFR, in his address to the Nation on for my generation of Nigerians that level of social mobility is near impossible. In group of young Nigerian feminists called the In response to protests about police brutality the 23rd of October, refused to acknowledge He was repeatedly threatened with violence, Feminist coalition who were able to raise 147 and violence against young people, the that any civilian Nigerian lives were lost. 2020, there is little to no hope in a bright future for a child born into the same and then driven to an ATM and asked to million naira ($400,000) in two weeks despite government unleashed even more violence. Nonetheless, young Nigerians continued to socio-economic circumstances that my mum was. Yet, young Nigerians, who have withdraw all the money in both his Naira and repeated attempts by the Nigerian government All over the nation, protesters were repeatedly make ‘good noise’ on social media, fighting been the victims of Nigeria’s systemic and institutional failure their whole lives, are Dollar accounts. As wild as all this may sound, and Central Bank to block access to donations brutalised and arrested by the police for against the gaslighting and lies of our Federal this is not an uncommon occurrence. Yele was stereotyped as criminal, lazy and apathetic. and freeze their accounts. With just 0.0012% simply exercising their constitutional right and State governments with the aim of getting lucky to live to tell the tale, but many others of the Nigerian 2020 National budget ($35 to peacefully protest. In Abuja, the nation’s the attention of international media, and our have not been. billion total), Feminist Coalition sponsored over capital, protesters were routinely shot at with efforts were not in vain. On the 27th of October, 150 protests in 25 of the 36 Nigerian states live ammunition, tear gas and water canons. in an interview with Becky Anderson on CNN, and established a nationwide legal aid network Journalists covering the protests were beaten the Lagos state governor, Babajide Sanwo-Olu, of over 700 volunteer lawyers offering legal up by the police and had their film equipment finally admitted that the Nigerian army was representation to arrested protesters. They either confiscated or destroyed. present at the Lekki toll gate and committed covered medical bills of injured protesters, to a full investigation of the events of October provided private security for those on the 20th, 2020. ground, distributed first aid, food and water This movement is unlike anything young at the protests, assisted the families of the According to a press release by Nigerians have ever witnessed or experienced. deceased with funeral expenses, established We are seeing a glimpse of what the future Amnesty International, there were at a radio station and an emergency helpline, “ could be, with leadership characterized by and provided free therapy and mental health least 10 civilian deaths within the first service, radical transparency, efficiency,

support to Nigerians on the frontlines of the and empathy. Since the massacre, we have

week of protests. Nonetheless, young protests. seen both online and offline debates on “civil Social media also played a critical role in Nigerians continued to peacefully “ disobedience”, and ideas of respectability launching this movement and helping young assemble and protest. politics when all young people have asked Nigerians effectively organize using real-time is to not be killed, harassed, and extorted. data. To this end, there were coordinated efforts Regardless, the democratic infrastructure for to crowdfund in order to sustain online protests citizen’s activism has been established, and and keep the #endSARS hashtag trending. The On Tuesday, October 20th 2020, the Nigerian has galvanised the kind of hope that will not fervor and momentum of these online protests Army and Police Force barricaded protesters die. Witnessing the absolute resolve young led to an endorsement of the movement from who had been sitting, holding hands, and Nigerians have shown since the 8th of October twitter CEO, Jack Dorsey, which included singing the Nigerian national anthem at the 2020, I have no doubt that we are capable of an updated hashtag with our own emoji, Lekki toll gate in Lagos, and opened fire into creating a Nigeria where regardless of your and 150 million tweets using the hashtag the crowd. That same day, similar state- socio-economic background, just like my mum, in the space of 3 weeks, according to social sanctioned murders occurred in Lagos’ Mushin anyone can thrive. The Nigerian Youth are media analytics firm, Afriques Connectées. and Alausa areas with Amnesty International here, we are not going anywhere, and we will Locally, millennial, digital media publications reporting at least 12 dead. On Wednesday, continue to make good noise! like Zikoko, The Republic, NativeMag and October 21st, 2020, the Nigerian Army denied Hip TV did the necessary work of amplifying ever being at the Lekki toll gate, describing

20 21 social justice circles but as part of the mainstream conversation. This new, seemingly unstoppable moment of collective social consciousness presents an opportunity for a reset of sorts, requiring all of us to think differently about what it means to show up in the world in the ways that we do. We have had a few political awakenings like this before, after Goerge Zimmerman was acquitted of murdering Trayvon Martin, and after a New York grand jury did not indict the police officers involved in the death of Eric Garner. However, this time feels different. We are taking a critical look at the past, and at the same time are reimagining our future.

It feels as though the rest of the world is finally having real conversations about what it means to exist under white supremacy, and creating space for marginalized people to be heard and understood. For Black women in particular, this feeling is even more acute. When interrogating white supremacy as part of this new reset and political awakening, it’s important to consider how it specifically targets Black womanhood and femininity.

Misogynoir, a term coined by scholar Moya Bailey, perfectly describes the specific misogyny faced by Black women. Misogynoir is in our workplaces, in academia, even in our personal and intimate lives. The patriarchy and white supremacy has us in a double bind, but Black women have found numerous ways to deal with this reality. Black Beyond The women have straightened and relaxed our hair, invented “phone voices” and different ways of There is so much art, humour, fashion, beauty, speaking (better known as code-switching), and dressing in certain styles— all to mitigate harm. poetry, and community that we can have and build when we are not operating from a In order to survive white supremacy and the patriarchy, Black women have created versions of place of fear or caution. There is also healing. ourselves that are infallible. Black women understand they need to be “twice as good”, to be When you understand that many self-doubts White Gaze perfect, and to cater to the feelings of others, or can risk being called “unprofessional” or “angry”. and insecurities are not coming from you, but We are now tasked with examining this very dynamic, looking into the institutions that reinforce rather the outside world, you can begin having by Furqan Mohamed misogynoir and cause Black women and girls to be careful and meticulous in crafting “safer an entirely different relationship with yourself versions” of ourselves. and others- one rooted in truth and care. “Hitting reset”, especially now, ultimately This year, in many ways, has The revealing economic and social Instagram posts explaining what “implicit bias” means starting over, and considering who ramifications of COVD-19, paired with the is, or what it means to be a good ally. Many we are when we are not building our world been filled with uncertainty several viral stories of Black people murdered are adding anti-racist reads to their shelves, according to terms set by white supremacy at the hands of the police has made for the supporting Black business, and evaluating and the patriarchy. We should continue to about what the world will While this is important and liberating work, several questions still loom. It’s not perfect storm. Some of us are in the streets, as their community’s relationship to police and “ challenge racism and misogyny everywhere become. We are being protests seem to be happening almost daily. the criminal justice system. White supremacy enough to interrogate these issues and leave the conversation there. Breaking we can, but it’s important to remember that the

Others are on social media, with no shortage of is under a microscope, for once not just in free from the white gaze requires us to move from a kind of cynicism to an work does not stop there. After investigating

bombarded, everyday, with and destroying these structures, the next step idealism. Yes, understanding and confronting the “safe” version of ourselves, is to think genuinely about who we are and pressing issues like the “ the version designed to survive the wrath of white supremacy, is necessary. what we want. I, myself, am a young person consequences of climate navigating life as an emerging writer, a student, change, and the ongoing opioid and as a Black woman. I am continuously untethering myself from old habits I formed crisis. And as the COVID-19 out of fear, like over-apologizing for taking up But equally necessary is asking who we can be outside of it. What’s left of who we are when we’re space. I am learning how to say no, how to be pandemic rages on, we are not crafting ourselves just to survive? What can we accomplish when our goals are not governed gentle with myself, and taking some time for reckoning with a much older or repressed by the white gaze? self-care. All of this challenges me to explore how I carry myself, in the context of a world disease- racism. Operating under the white gaze means constantly considering what white supremacy demands. that needs me to make changes to who I am Black women and girls spend so much time learning how to exist according to the outside world, just to survive. On our path to imagining a before even learning who they are, or who they want to be. It forces us all to operate on a superficial more just and progressive world, one of the level, acting in ways that are not authentic to us. “[It is] as though our lives have no meaning and most radical things we can do is reimagine no depth without the white gaze,” Toni Morrison, the prophetic writer, said in a 1998 interview. ourselves.

22 23 There was a photo of me along with an of my head and heard uncontrollable sobbing. I Faith. In Higher Power, in humanity, in myself. interview on the cover of the Toronto Star from was quick to reassure her, “It’s okay mom, I’m I could now see that I was meant for more, How Facing back in tenth grade. I was then president of our fine, I’ll be fine.” In my muddled mind, I wasn’t so much more. The confines of hospital beds Black Heritage Club, and was demanding that at all sure of that. barricaded away from my family and friends Black history be included in school curriculum, Slowly over time (a week in hospital followed felt like the sacred chamber in the Black A Major Trauma During rather than tokenized each February (my by three in rehab), I came to discover the Panther’s subterranean temple. Within them, favourite [white] teacher, a critical role model, details of my accident. I had been t-boned by in tortured dreams, I found my way to my denounced me just after that – telling me to an elderly woman driving a Pontiac - I flew off ancestors, to Home. “stay out of politics” and “know my place”). my motorcycle upon impact and landed on I always thought a reset meant an unplanned As I applied to countless corporate jobs in a Covid-19 the southeast corner of the intersection. The and annoying Return to Go (the Do Not Collect numb haze, my authenticity was squelched in driver behind me called 911 and remained on $200 kind). But after this near-fatal, highly- lack mentality and fear that being who I truly the scene as the key witness. I was airlifted televised accident, I realize my reset brokered Reset My Entire World am, and my work as a professional coach and once stabilized on the stretcher. Apparently a birthing, a painfully exquisite explosion into educator, would not feed my family. I spoke coherently through the entire event, a higher state of being. Healing of the highest by Gena Chang-Campbell At home with time to spare, I decluttered though I remember nothing of it. The entire left order. The Divine could not have spared me physical spaces, hoping my efforts would side of my body was broken - from shoulder to be other than who I am; therefore I am magically replicate in my psyche too. At to foot. My right wrist was shattered and I had validated in my true self. I feel keenly the tumult When the Covid-19 pandemic hit, I was barely employed and in a place of searching, one point, I came across saved newspaper a concussion, significant internal and external of growing pains as my fighting spirit returns of gathering the pieces of my identity like shards of broken glass. clippings reminding me of my earlier Black injuries, and extensive bruising. The Story was with brilliance: this phoenix is emerging from activism. There was a photo of me along plastered all over local news, repeating on a formidable fire more resolute and enduring My moods oscillated wildly from day to day - the target of fragility’s foolishness. I hoped and with an interview on the cover of the Toronto CP24. It was one hot mess. than ever before. I was manic at times, feeling like Empress of prayed for a fabulous new job, thinking that At home with time to spare, I decluttered Star from back in tenth grade. I was then If gratitude brings greater abundance, and I the World in the AM, craving self-medication would somehow solve all these problems, or at physical spaces, hoping my efforts would president of our Black Heritage Club, and was have more to be grateful for than ever before - I to escape the pain of rejection in the PM. least overshadow them and distract me from Reset magically replicate in my psyche too. At demanding that Black history be included step into divine richness with renewed humility A glance at my Google feed increased my the inner work that drained my energy daily. Coming out of the accident, I experienced one point, I came across saved newspaper in school curriculum, rather than tokenized and unwavering faith. anxiety; another Black death, more racist I fumbled blindly for my reset button, feeling each February (my favourite [white] teacher, an incredible shift in my physical self, and it clippings reminding me of my earlier vitriol spewed. I’d seek solace in outdoor time less and less optimistic about my personal a critical role model, denounced me just after pulled my psyche into the healing chaos. With Black activism. Priority: Life. Lived incandescently, with my boys, aged nine and five. Then some journey as the world around me seemed to that – telling me to “stay out of politics” and so many parts of me immobile and in pain, I unapologetically and with infinite purpose. Karen would hijack my high by being a damned be joining my state of confusion rather than “know my place”). As I applied to countless focused attention and energy on gratitude Ashe! Karen, bringing a growling Mama Bear to the helping me to find my place in it. corporate jobs in a numb haze, my authenticity for the things that still worked. I spent time fore when my young boys unwittingly became was squelched in lack mentality and fear concentrating on each broken, bruised, and that being who I truly am, and my work as a battered area, willing them to repair, to find professional coach and educator, would not some small measure of ease. feed my family. Then, on a bright and gorgeous Sunday evening in early June, the kind that gently stretched summer’s kiss, I decided to take a quick mental break from the craziness of

COVID and the trauma-inducing anti-Black

news to nourish my soul and allow my mind Presence. In my body, in the moment, in my home, to reach that coveted meditative state. I put on with my family, In my spirit. It was an uncomfortable, my helmet and well-worn riding gloves, waved “ “ farewell to my husband and sons playing messy, traumatized, exhilarating presence borne of a basketball on our driveway and fired up my shifted reality whose edges blurred with each slowly Ninja. The breeze was glorious as I hit the open road, reveling in the bliss of temporary respite. passing day within rehab walls. Out on my motorcycle I could always find my Zen, recalibrate weary nerves, see things more clearly. My very own, custom-built reset button.

Then, two hours Iater, I woke up in ICU. And I Truth. Of purpose, of calling, of the dynamic felt nothing at all. interplay of strength and vulnerability that Reality was fuzzy and undefined as I heard comprises my core. I finally knew that life is a voice say “You’ve been in a motorcycle so much more than living. The pain, loneliness accident and you are at St. Michael’s Hospital. and confusion gave way to a revitalized sense Your mom is on the phone and we are putting of self, grounded empowerment, and profound it to your ear.” I felt the cool plastic at the side clarity. I am still here. For a reason.

24 25 “She is the perfect victim”, Aminata thought. Though this realization made the early stages of lockdown virtually unmanageable, she found solace in remembering that the statistics have always In Bloom: been against her sister; she was never even supposed to live beyond the age of eight. As she puts it, “[Yebhe] always beat the numbers and she’ll do it again! Besides, she’s in the best care, right?” A young woman by Melissa Murphy What first made its appearance through hushed Though Aminata has always taken on the whispers this January, COVID-19 is now settling in for role of a second parent, she has been forced re-examines what to relinquish all control to those within the the winter months, as major cities still struggle to cope medical field—a challenging adjustment for some ten months later. Our shoulders have curled under someone known to spend nights sleeping alongside her sister to ensure she maintained the weight of continuous (and avoidable) loss as the caring for her a healthy sleep schedule. But as families marginalized, and most vulnerable, continue to bear the scrambled to abide by government issued brunt of negligent leaders. mandates and citywide closures, health care sister truly means professionals were also trying to make sense of the fast-spreading virus. In the first few weeks after the global pandemic was announced, registered nurse, Sherssery Anum, remembered an air of blissful naivety as long-term care patients who had tested positive for COVID-19 began being transferred to her much smaller and specialized facility. “No one comes to work thinking they’re going to lose patients”, she said. However, within the s Montréal heads into quick span of a few days, they were already yet another month at full capacity and nurse Anum knew that of restrictions, those things were much worse than was let on. with family members “Some days, you’d come in and you’d lose in long-term care 4-5 patients in just a few hours. It was painful facilities wonder what this means and discouraging and families were left with for their loved ones. For 24 year old questions we didn’t always have the answers Aminata, a vibrant, young student and for,” she recalled. much of her life catering to the needs of both decades, Yebhe stepped away from needing ethical fashion enthusiast, her fears her mother and sister, she was now forced to the protection of her family, and in turn, she of possibly losing her younger sister, These families included those like Aminata pause and turn her attention inwards. With a was able to provide them with the reassurance Yebhe, have lulled her and her mother and her mother who were left at the mercy of mother often preoccupied with the needs of they needed to continue on. to bed each night since March. doctors and nursing staff who were overworked a disabled sibling, Aminata had always been Their mother instilled in them the importance Now 20, Yebhe was diagnosed with and grossly understaffed. “The government an advocate of self-love. But, in the midst of a of community and incorporating family into muscular dystrophy at birth, and has provided outlets for the elderly to make sure pandemic, for the first time, self-love was now their daily lives. Yet, before COVID-19, Aminata lived in long-term care facilities for they were able to talk about their depression pertinent for her self-preservation. She believed conceded that centering the needs of her most of her life. Not only has this and remain active, but nothing similar was that if she didn’t pour into herself, she would family often eclipsed her own. By seeing diagnosis affected her oral and motor done for the disabled,” Aminata shared, in have nothing left for her sister when things her sister thrive under the most challenging skills, but it has limited her brain obvious frustration. To assist, nurses began to normalized. She professed, “I have to take care circumstances, Aminata was able to establish capacity to that of a toddler. modify and realign their roles to fit the needs of of me, in order to be strong enough to take a new and healthier relationship with herself the patients under their care. Family members Back in March, Aminata recalled, there care of her.” and, by extension, her family in accepting that began to exchange contact numbers with was very little time to understand the Consequently, Aminata was not the only the weight of everyone’s world did not need to the staff for facetime calls before bed “[as] it severity of COVID, much less make one finding space to bloom in the face of be placed solely on her shoulders. Instead, a was important that they were able to speak the proper adjustments to help her calamity. In the time spent away from her newer and more resilient Aminata was able to to family to not feel so alone…so we became sister cope with the time they would mother and sister, Yebhe began to discover wrap herself in vulnerability and find warmth their surrogate family by also catering to their now have to spend apart. As the first her own autonomy. No longer were days within the redefinition of self-love, amid turmoil. wave ravaged the elderly who lived physical and mental needs”, nurse Anum without calls the cause of severe breakdowns Miraculously, through the impenetrable love under similar accommodations as her admitted. as Yebhe now had the time and space to of family, Yebhe and Aminata are now able to sister, her first thought was simply, In reflection, the more time Aminata was explore new relationships. She detached from forge new paths for survival, to defy the odds death. “[Yebhe] is disabled, and forced to spend away from her sister, the codependency and flourished within the bonds together, and to find the faith to bloom. immune sensitive, with respiratory easier it was for her to recognize the reset that she made with the other patients and staff issues. began to take shape within her. After spending members around her. For the first time in two

26 27 2020 has had what many would call its unfair Black girl in share of ups and downs, and one of the major adjustments to come with the COVID-19 pandemic has been widespread restrictions on movement and travel. Let’s face it: we’ve had to be indoors a lot more than many of us would like, and finding ways to OASIS recalibrate to our new realities while balancing Tayo Bero work, kids, and trying to stay safe from the virus has been a matter of survival. For many Black women, that has meant being intentional about curating their personal oases, making subtle decisions that coalesce into a vision of comfort and joy. And this isn’t new. Rooted in their individual tastes, passions and lifestyles, Black women have always made intentional choices about the place that matters to them the most — home. We caught up with three Black Canandian women about their apartments, how they decorated and what their digs mean to them:

Alma Rex-Ezonfade

It’s important to me that my home is a getaway from the daily hustle and bustle of a busy life in the city. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been drawn to neutral colour palettes and bright airy rooms. I was heavily inspired by hotels and wanted to recreate the zen and atmosphere I feel when I walk into a luxurious suite at a hotel for the first time. Albeit small in terms of square feet — as is popular with Toronto condos — I have curated each room to be both functional and aesthetically pleasing by my standards. My home is a functional escape from the outside world, filled with warmth, love and all my favourite things.

City: Toronto How long I’ve lived in the space: 8 months

28 29 ENIOLA City: Toronto

How long I’ve lived in HU the space: : 2 years

I was nomadic for almost 14 years of my life so my spaces used to be styled in the most bare- minimum functional way. In 2018, I moved from Los Angeles to live with my husband and that came with a sense of stability. That made us super intentional about how we wanted our first place together to look. Being the son of an architect, he was very particular about layout, scale, dimensions, etc. And being a textile & surface designer myself, I brought the decorative flair into our home with color, natural textures, print and plants. Last but not least, both of us being ethnic cultures, we made sure that the cultural elements made the space. Some of the items you’ll find in our home are sekere (cowrie instrument hanging atop the living room window), Manila peacock chair, Mali mud pattern wall decal (bedroom wall), and original art from artisans from different ethnic backgrounds. It’s a very warm and chic space. My home is my favourite place to be.

30 31 Gloria Alamrew City: Edmonton How long I’ve lived in the space: : 2.5 years

I’ve lived in this loft for almost two and a half years now. I knew that when I bought my first place, I wanted it to be my sanctuary. I work a deadline-intensive, stressful job so it was important to me to have my home be as calming and relaxing as possible. I first fell in love with the huge windows and ten-foot ceilings and instantly knew this was the space for me. Plants are a major part of my life and self-care routine and incorporating them into my loft was a no brainer. I grew up poor, never imagining that I’d own anything like this. So whenever I look around and really pause to take in this beautiful home that I’ve created, I know it would make younger Gloria so proud.

32 33 I felt ready. A friend of mine even reached out to inform me that a colleague was looking for a diversity and Then March 2020 happened. The first inclusion consultant, which seemed to be the hottest “new” service on the block. I told her, “I’m realization of the extent of what was happening not a D+I consultant,” but she connected us by email anyway. came with the cancellation of major events like SXSW, and then the Olympics. The world I was hesitant to meet. I had friends who had made a career in this field and I didn’t want to was shutting down, and so was my own. I encroach in the spaces they had been toiling away in for years. Most importantly, I didn’t want cried over cancelled gigs, planned vacations, people to perceive me as someone jumping on an innocent man’s death to make a quick buck. and the inability to gather socially. COVID-19 But, once again, I had to remind myself that I did have the skills to do this, and if there was a was seemingly taking more than just my event moment where I needed to use my voice the most, it was now. planning business, it was taking my freedom, my ability to move, and had paralyzed the Unlike my other ventures, this offered me no time to prepare. Usually, I don’t launch anything until identity that I had held onto for over 15 years. I have all my ducks in a row; I guess it is the planner in me. I need the domain name, landing page, social media accounts, and a logo before I decide to publicly pursue anything. That was not the case here. I had to leap before having any of that established and accept wherever I may land. Though I found myself having to grieve what The risk was big, but the reward was much bigger. In fact, within the first month of my public was supposed to be, I also chose to reimagine launch, I had already landed several clients, including a bank. I had stepped away from fear and the greatest resource that was being given had entered a brand-new world, full of endless possibilities. I discovered that I was capable of so back to me: time. Time to think, breathe, and much more, once I allowed myself the space to pause, pivot and hit reset. move forward. 2020, it seems, had perfect vision for me after all. It’s true that event planners cannot have idle hands for too long, so, while the world around me paused, I found the drive to work on the things I had been talking about for too long. With newfound confidence, I rebranded my business, compiled all my writings and media interviews onto one website, and due to my now sudden lack of income, I was forced to Why The Great Reset Of 2020 build my websites from scratch. I was getting so much done, I was impressing even myself. I even planned an entire year of social media content, but we won’t discuss if any have been Was Exactly What I Needed implemented yet. Baby steps.

by Tanya Hayles While I worked to conquer new mountains amid a pandemic, one of the biggest lessons I faced was hiding behind humility. I had the resume, It used to spark so much joy and spoke of so much promise. After all, it’s the number and it was time for me to stand confidently in my accomplishments. Though I often criticized of perfect vision. In November, I sat down and wrote 40 for 40, a list of affirmations to others when they would ‘small up themselves’ the universe that I wanted to accomplish in my 40’s. when they spoke about their projects and businesses, I, too, was guilty of doing the same thing. I would announce something once, but So, in December when my partner asked what I believed 2020 held for always lacked the confidence, or maybe the me, I told him that it would be a year of building, and that my breakout discipline, to see it through. Which of course year would be in 2021. With an air of optimism, we rang in the New Year became a vicious cycle of procrastination and and the year that was to come. self-loathing. Rinse and repeat. At the start of the year, I was on track to having my business’ Little did I know, in mere months, I would be pushed beyond my comfort All of this came to a head when George Floyd zone and both a global health pandemic and a racial revolution would be best financial year yet, I was pitching my grand ideas to was killed right in front of our eyes. The world the cause and the effect. some of the most well-known people in the industry, and I changed that day, and people who had been BC (Before COVID), I called myself an event planner by trade and at was finally writing the online course I’d been talking about silently kneeling in protest were no longer heart. I have been planning events in some capacity for almost half for the last three years. going to be. Companies and entities started my life, and while I’ve always had side channels for expressing myself to have a reckoning in the treatment of their creatively, it was now my primary source of income. I love everything Black customers, consumers, clients, and about planning events—from the challenge of putting the puzzle pieces employees. And overnight, their need to talk together, to crafting a story that my guests and clients could delight in. about race increased exponentially.

34 35 As I hung up the phone on that August morning, aspirations never aligned with what my role within a whirlwind of uncertainty and despair, I had intended for me; I was merely a steward How Losing suddenly felt a huge sigh of relief. Inside the to their success, while suppressing my own quiet that followed, a familiar voice whispered growth. I felt as though my path was being to me. It was a voice I had resisted throughout rewritten without my consent. My Job Helped Me my life but was finally willing to embrace. In light of the pandemic, a Great Reset was It was the voice of my inner writer. The one forced upon me. It afforded me the opportunity that appealed for me to go on a journey of self- to take back control of my own destiny, turning actualization and explore what I believed to be 2020 into a transformative period, in more Pursue My True Passion my true passion. ways than one. I have been writing, in one way or another, since I was seven years old. My first written by Sylvie Soulet story was about a little witch and her talking cat. I vividly recall the joys of spending In August, a day afternoons filling stacks of dot matrix paper with my handwriting, as my young imagination after my birthday, my soared much like my broom-borne protagonist. I stepped away from fanfiction and began crafting more position was officially By middle school, I was convinced that I would “ terminated. grow up to become an author. But as life would original fictional stories. I wanted to create my own have it, this trajectory was quashed one fateful career day when I was in Grade 6. An author, worlds, and within them, inspire others through my own

who was visiting our class, had stated very matter-of-factly that we should not make a ideas. I discovered the importance of respecting my time Though I had been furloughed

living off of our words. since May, when I got the and talent and avoided projects that undervalued my call, my initial reaction was This was a discouraging warning to hear at still one of despair, due to eleven years old, and I took it to heart. Though writing. I learned what burnout felt like, and how to avoid“ the uncertainty of what to my love for writing was budding, I lacked the it by finding the confidence to communicate my worth to expect in the coming months confidence or foresight to see the power in my without gainful employment. own imagination or words. those around me. For several stressful months, Rather than abandon writing altogether, I I had been pulled every which instead discovered fanfiction. While it helped to way, in a mad flurry of job feed my love of writing, I piggybacked off the obligations, expectations and creations of others to craft my stories. Despite I grew to appreciate the value of the hustle, demands. I had little time to my initial discouragement, in Grade 11, when which often involved spending early mornings breathe, and no time at all to my original short story won second place and scouring the internet for writing opportunities. even question whether my a $50 prize, I got my first taste of professional I also practiced humility when pieces were sent chosen career path was what accolades. back by editors and took heed when sweeping I truly wanted out of life. So, revisions and higher standards were expected as work continued to pile up Though this had reignited my confidence, I of me. I never buckled under the pressure. at the beginning of the year, I listened to the world around me when it said Instead, I developed perseverance in the face prayed for a reprieve. that it would be wiser to pursue a safe, well- of a new challenge, and I delivered. paying career. I focused my energy on my When COVID-19 pressed university studies and relegated writing to Today, and for the first time in my life, I am the pause button on the just a hobby. I began working full-time, landed comfortable with calling myself a freelance world’s activities, and the a corporate job with a steady paycheque, writer. I feel a sense of calm now that my first lockdown occurred, I new outlook is more aligned with my passion. benefits, and was now, by all accounts, what I listened to my heart and my mind, was physically distanced you would consider “content”. But deep down, I am still on the job hunt, but now I seek out from my place of work—a I craved fulfillment. Yes, I was a competent opportunities that make use of my talents which both shouted in unison, “Go remote employee still trying employee, but I never felt as though my job instead of denying them. It took the disruption forth, Dreamer.” to fulfill her duties. However, would allow or trust me to do more beyond my of the Great Reset to set me back on the right path, but I trust that I am where I was always as the days turned into weeks, hired role. So, that is what I will continue to do. and then to months, I felt a meant to be. different kind of distancing Then, without warning, the pandemic hit, and occur; in my time away from the noise of the world was finally silenced long the office, my spirit had enough for me to be reunited with my inner reawakened. voice. During my downtime, I reflected on my position, and realized that I was only there to help make the dreams of others come true. My

36 37 “9 to 5” - Dolly Parton (1980)

With the great reset that is 2020 underway, we need all the “9 to 5” is literally about work breaking your spirit and dreams, but, man, How Old School guidance, inspiration, and motivation that we can get. Music that the way this song slaps, if you don’t listen to the words, it makes you we grew up to, that is part of the collective psyche, or that think that you can realistically participate in the workforce from exactly has guided us through difficult times in our lives can provide 9am to 5pm. Lolz. That 9 to 5 refrain, though, it’s a bop! And Dolly adding relief, perspective and direction. Here are a few songs that have the sound of her acrylic nails tapping on the typewriter with the ringing HITS MOTIVATED AND HELP ME recently re-entered the soundtrack of my life, and have pulled bell was production gold! Fast forward to today, and hearing lyrics like: “They just use your mind and you never get the credit”. Dayum, she me out of cynicism and guided me to hope: was describing a toxic and psychologically unsafe work environment! Me Regain My Love Of Music In the great reset of 2020, work is under scrutiny, and this classic, while deceptively catchy, is also a timely wakeup call about the nature of work, and career goals. Whether you’ve been lucky enough to have kept by Bunmi Adeoye “Greatest Love of All”- Whitney Houston (1985) your job or your employment has been precarious, the song begs the question: “What do you want your work life to be?” Who recalls the tickling piano opening... and the gentle, but assertive proclamation: “I believe the children are our the future”? Yasssss, it me; “Superwoman” - Karyn White (1988) I am “the children of the future”. I would sing the hell out of this as a kid, holding my hands on my heart, my eyes closed, willing in that “sense of A friend and I started spontaneously scream-singing this after a buzzy, as a publicist, because pride”, not “walking in anyone’s shadow”, and definitely ensuring that no tea-spilling session at a local bar. We spilled out of the establishment and became more and more excited realizing that we both knew every I thought I could easily matter what was taken from me, “They” wouldn’t take away my dig-NIT- EEEEEE!!! I don’t think I mentally understood the nuances of this song, word and inflection of the song. This song - the verses, chorus, bridge, jump back into it, because but I could feel it. This ballad was a certified self-love song. Recently, I outro (That gem-dropping outro!!) - is a guide for how the whole world I thought I didn’t play guitar was reminded of that as I randomly sang it in the shower, with the same should treat Black woman. On the face of it, it is a romantic/relationship well enough, because abandon that I had as a child, hands over heart, everything! Eclipsed, song about a dissatisfied, neglected lover. But, today, in 2020, in the midst of BLM and Black women unfailingly coming to the defense of the music industry was perhaps, by the monster Bodyguard catalogue, the drama of her life, and the aching shock of her passing, it was a song that I hadn’t sung many without any reciprocity (ah, there’s that word again), the refrain corrupt, because I was or thought about in years. But in that moment, under the steaming says so much: too old, too Black, too hot shower, I was two people: A young girl who was coaching herself dark-skinned, too vulgar, through life with this song, and a full-fledged woman, who was the hero too fat, too ugly because, for the young girl to look up to. The greatest love of all was, indeed, always inside of me. because, because... I’m not your Superwoman

I’m not the kind of girl that you can let down “Ex-Factor”- Lauryn Hill (1998)

These days, IG “wisdom” And think that everything’s okay spouts empty and First of all, how many of us learned the true meaning of the word “ “reciprocity” from this classic? The repetitions, the harmonies, the vocal Boy, I am only human “ dangerously judgemental stylings, the fire outro. She is literally crying for herself, and for all of This girl needs more than occasional hugs statements like: “You us. And I, too, cried to this song for lovers and romances that I didn’t make time for the things even have! (#uglycriesfornoreason) It was that emotional. Listening to As a token of love from you to me that you really care about.” it, a little older, a little wiser, I still feel a way. I think of that first line of the song: “It could all be so simple/but you’d rather make it hard” and Okaaaaaay, Marvin! Hindsight is figuratively single, young, romantic, creative, unsure, and encouraged it reads like a warning: Opt for simplicity. What is for me is for me. And (insert massive eye here). and literally 20/20. It’s an to get my music “out there.” At the time, I thought the what is not for me is not for me. In love and in life. Real and imagined. I cared deeply about Yes, we are human, and we don’t need tokens; we need real commitment opportunity to look at things record was “okay” and shrugged off all compliments and real love. As Karyn commands in the last part of the song: “I’m the music, but I needed to get “Get Up” - Beverley Knight (2001) from the past with, perhaps, and praise. Looking back, I realized that it was a really kind of girl that can treat you so sweet/ But you’ve got to realize that into the right headspace. you’ve got to be sweeter to me.” more wisdom, grace and good record. And, I had been making headway: playing Before there was Cardi B’s “Get Up 10”, there was Beverley Knight’s And more recently, I had festivals, getting good write ups, performing regularly sultry “Get Up”. There are so many standards from this brilliant British Talk about a 2020 (and beyond) reset mantra and love song for Black understanding. Ten years ago, made a number of life in Toronto, getting asked by strangers to play at their soultress: “Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda”, “Gold”, “Made It Back”, “Greatest women. I pulled together a 10-track changes, which helped Day”, but when I first heard, “Get Up”, it made me straighten up my spine weddings, being told by friends that my songs were album, a collection of songs me feel more stable, and and, literally, get up! I was living away from my friends and family at the These are just a few songs that have taken me back, while also supporting helping them through personal trials, writing more time, and I felt comfort and power from this club banger with Knight’s and inspiring me in the present. In this weird moment of history, where about love, sex, relationships, strong enough to combat songs, even charting in some parts of the country. authoritative delivery. She starts the song with: “Hear me!” You’re, like, time contracts and expands, where every day we brace ourselves for and heartache that reflected (or, at least, calm) my “Me? Okaaaaaayyy...” And then she says: “Watch the way that people the next good or bad thing, nostalgic songs can be therapeutic. They where I was in my life: I stopped working on music years ago because I wanted inner critic, and tune into change/Flip the script and rearrange/Hoping they can just belong/Even remind us of what we have survived and what we can withstand. The to focus on the growing responsibilities of my day job my inner champion. when it’s wrong.” It continues in this vein, and it’s a protection anthem right songs can give us peace of mind, joy, strength, and hope that can that, even today, makes me hold my head up just a bit higher, narrow my shield us from sinking into cynicism, and instead give us permission to eyes and guard my spirit against the fakers and haters. cling to the promise of a better day to come.

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