The Purchase

ISSUE 92

Segway-Gate By Emily Farrell, Bill Reese and Steven Tartick

As many students returned to Purchase this semester, their biggest surprise was not the new paint job of the Olde, the redesigned More cards, or the numerous murals that popped up over the campus. Instead, it was the sight of traffic and ticketing officers zipping around on Segway scooters. These transportation devices, created by inventor Dean Kamen, received strong press coverage in 2001 when the project was first unveiled. After being billed as a revolu- tionary device that would change the world as we know it, the scooter failed to catch on with the general public, but found a niche market in Police and Security enforcement. The Handball Court in The Olde is now adorned with the Students’ reactions were quick and new mural by Ben Furgal, entitled Drum Break. impassioned. “Is this where my tuition money is going?” said Amanda Hirsch, sophomore Dicks, Lips, and Fingertips General." He is huge, over 6'3" and 270 biology. “What the hell do they need it for? So By Sarah Penland pounds. He looks more like a bouncer than the they don’t have to walk anymore? Have professional businessman he likes to think of University Police really gotten lazier?” himself as. Hof likes to appear as a father fig- This summer a controversial new Other Purchase students jumped to ure, though he has slept with 17 out of the 20 reality series, “Cathouse,” aired on HBO the same conclusions about the possible mis- girls currently working for him; this includes Dennis Hof's World Famous Moonlight allocation of funds and the uselessness of Barely Legal Mel, a skinny eighteen year old Bunnyranch was featured in this adult series Segways. Responding to a Livejournal post who Hof refers to as "any pedophile's dream." that gave viewers a long-term reservation at simply asking their opinions on the officers’ Hof speaks about the Bunnyranch as if it were Nevada's premier legal brothel. Hof's website purchase, many students quickly assumed the Magic Kingdom, the Garden of Eden, and advertises, "this series takes viewers back to that the money was spent on Segways in lieu heaven blended into one. He intends to die, one of Nevada's premier tourist attractions: the of other student services, such as food and "having an orgasm at my ranch, hopefully with Moonlight Bunny Ranch, a legal brothel located internet. triplets." in a sparsely populated desert community out- “Can’t Purchase find different ways The things that happen on this show side of Reno. In addition to up-close-and-per- to spend that $4,000 and ticket students at the are insane at best. Hof hires John Wayne sonal interviews with Ranch management and same time?” said Blair Gershenson, junior Bobbitt as a bartender and Grizzly Adams to the women who work there, each half-hour psychology. perform weddings at the ranch. A sex expert episode will utilize hidden cameras in the broth- “Purchasing $5,000 glorified two has special training clinics with the working el's party rooms to eavesdrop on customers wheel contraptions that won’t be used in rain, girls about satisfying men with foot fetishes and and working girls before, during, and after sex. snow, or cold weather (because we know they getting (and keeping) an old man's dick hard. The series also includes footage of workshops have an aversion to such things) is preposter- Perhaps most disturbing is one girl, named designed to help customers (many of whom ous and ridiculous,” said Matt Davitt, senior lib- appropriately enough "Summer Luv," who is six have come here with the blessing of their part- eral arts. months pregnant while turning tricks. Air Force ners) learn about sex and become better lovers It’s easy to understand how the sight Amy, the longest working and highest grossing at home, as well as some wild-and-crazy revel- of a Purchase cop flying around on an elec- prostitute, proudly advertises, "Over 1,000,000 ry that takes place behind the scenes when the tronic novelty device would set off the majority sexual acts sold." girls aren't working." of the campus. What’s not easy to understand More insane is the kind of money At the center of the show and the is why anyone so upset didn’t ask any ques- these women make. Air Force Amy grosses Bunnyranch is a man known as Dennis Hof. Continued on Page 10... Continued on Page 10... He likes to call himself, "America's Pimpmaster Gag the Fag Hags By Arthur Larsen

Hello my name is Arthur Larsen and I hate fag Chief Editors: hags. I hate the number of rainbow wearing straight Bill Reese women who added me daily on myspace, based solely Steven Tartick on my sexuality, and not on one common intrest. I hate Content Coordinator: these insecure straight women who go around collecting Emily Farrell gay men as though we were Pokemon. This is not to say Event Coordinator: that I do not cherish my straight female friends. However, Mark Schroeder I am confident that our friendship is based on commonal- Back Page Bitch: ity and shared interest/experience. Kait Sudol That being said, allow me to define “fag hag” Crack Team: Jessie LaBarbera using my own experience and the plethora of stereotypes Robert Stewart-Rogers that are fluttering about. Kristin Whitcomb Sable Yong *She is over-weight, physically awkward, and/or is insecure in her own skin. Business Manager: Alice Gullotta *She usually wears ill-fitting clothing to clubs. Writers: *She collects Care Bare dolls and anything with Jenn Anderson a rainbow on it. Navy Baker * She’s been to more pride parades and has Jason D. read more on GLBT culture and politics than her gay Natalie Eilbert male counterpart Emily Farrell *She already has the next Margaret Cho DVD Graham Beekman preordered on Amazon.com Ewa Bronowicz *Her idea of a terrific night out involves going to though, for my issues don’t just lie with the women who Kathleen Lavin a gay club, where she will encourage “her gay” to make proclaim themselves fag hags, I also have issue with the Arthur Larsen out with some pretty guy who’s name he doesn’t know kind of gay men who proclaim having a “main hag.” Sam Lester while she stands awkwardly against the wall nursing a These men are usually in need of constant self-esteem Sarah Penland diet coke. boosting and ego-petting. And who better to pet that ego Bill Reese *There is a 48% chance she is Asian and/or than a woman who’s been rejected by more straight man Starr & Jade likes Anime than Carson Kresley? These gay men are also the one’s Steven Tartick *She owns lots of body glitter and paints her who sit around critiquing other gay men for their appear- Artists: toenails once every three weeks ance (god forbid they see a guy show up to the club with - Ben Furgal *She disapproves of any man “her gay” dates, out their abs and pecks looking their best), and then tell Robert Stewart-Rogers in fact, she wishes she could just become a boy so that their “hag” how great she looks in a pink tube top that is she could date “her gay” as no one could ever under- 2 sizes too small. Do I think friends should encourage stand or support him like she does. their friends apperance? Yes! But, I hate hypocrites even *She owns a Will & Grace daily calendar more. *She identifies as bi-sexual, when in reality she Straight women, please continue to love and once kissed a girl at a club after consuming a rather large The Purchase Independent is a non-profit support gay men! But, also love yourself enough to never newspaper, paid for by the mandatory student amount of tequila. activity fee. embrace being called a hag. And gay men make friends The Purchase Independent welcomes letters from the readers. We are an open forum for with straight women! But do it for the right reasons, not for campus issues and comments about the Again let me stress this is NOT every straight a constant reminder that you’re the fairest of them all. Independent’s coverage. The deadline for letters to be considered for women who befriends gay men. However, many women And future myspace adders-you won’t be hagging this publication in the following issue is Tuesdays at midnight. After that, you must bribe us with are slapping this “hag” label on for size. Not to worry, fag anytime soon. candy. The editors reserve the right to edit the letters for clarity. Publication of letters is not guarenteed, but subject to the discretion of of the editors. Advertising space in The Independent is free. As space is limited, The Independent cannot guarentee immediate publication of ads. Editors will determine which ads go in based upon their timeliness. Outside advertisers are also welcome. Event listings are also free of charge. To list an event either call or e-mail The Independent. We prefer that submissions come to us elec- t r o n i c a l l y. Our e-mail address is: P u r e c h a s e I n d y @ G m a i l . c o m You can also leave material in the Student Government office, Room 1012 in CCN. Backpage quotes can be left in the Back Page box, a makeshift container nailed to the wall outside our office, CCN 1011. Our office is located on the first floor of Campus Center North, room 1011. Whenever we’re working, we leave the doors open and encourage people to come in and say hello. Our office hours are Tuesdays at 7:00 pm and Wednesdays at 4:00 pm. The opinions expressed in The Purchase Independent are not necessarily those of the staff of The Purchase Independent or the PSGA. The content printed in the Independent and subsequent pull-put sec- tions is the responsibility of the authors, not the editors. The Backpage is satirical, and should not be taken literally. Finally, no anonymous submissions will be considered. Instead, they will be sold to pay for a golden Segway for Tommy Schwarz

L A T K E S A N D V O D K A , T H I S S A T U R D A Y W I T H T H E L A D I E S W H O L U N C H  T H E F I R E F L I E S W I L L B E P E R F O R M I N G T H E I R L A S T Album Review ‘Hoppípolla,’ are heavily laden with chilling symphonic strings that are so bright and Sigur Rós Takk cheery that they have brought entire audi- By Bill Reese ences in their homeland to tears at live shows. The sound is reminiscent of 1999’s Ta k k , translated from Icelandic into Ágætis Byrjun, the LP which garnered them English, simply means “thanks.” The fourth international praise, as well as a place on album from Reykjavik‘s atmosphere-rock quar- soundtracks such as Vanilla Sky and The Life tet Sigur Rós is a reflection of how thankful the Aquatic with Steve Zissou. The biggest differ- band is to have finally found happiness in their ence in Takk is the instrumentation. Lead lives. singer and guitarist Jonsi Birgisson relies less Unlike 2002’s ( ), which was cold, dark on his guitar played with a cello bow, and lets and melancholy, very much like a the band experiment more with keyboards, Scandinavian winter, Ta k k shines with the pianos and xylophones. Of course, Sigur Rós warmth and beauty of an Icelandic spring. would not have their signature sound without There is a tremendous feeling of joy and hope fellow Icelanders, the string quartet Amina, in this album, though neither you or I will ever who play all the strings. Takk is easily the most polished, even understand any of the lyrics. Songs such as Long gone are the dragging rhythms of paced and commercially friendly disc of Sigur ( ), which took too long to get to a disappoint- Rós’ career. The band remains incredibly ing punchline. Even though the songs on Takk ambitious and completely unwilling to make average from five to seven minutes, the struc- any compromises on their creativity. This disc ture is always very deliberate and lead to more is the most original and daring record of the satisfying climaxes than compared to their last year, and a sure-fire CD for your year-end offering. short-lists. Takk opens with the sexy, ambient ‘Glósóli,’ driven by the slick bass lines and My Review:: 94 (4.5 Stars) A pounding beats of Georg Holm and Orri Páll Dyrason. Songs such as ‘Mílanó’ a n d Musical Homework: ‘Andvari,’ sung in Jonsi’s gibberish-language, which he calls Hopelandic, are sung so beau- Sigur Ros Ágætis Byrjun (1999) tifully that not only do you not know what he’s Sigur Ros ( ) (2002) singing, you also don’t care. His high tenor, Bjork Vespertine (2001) often mistaken for that of a woman, flows Godspeed You Black Emperor! Lift Your angelic over the more-sweet-than-bitter Skinny Fists... (2000) arrangements beneath him. Mogwai Rock Action (2001)

Performance Blog Review: the world in the comforting contrast of black tion dresses up their real agenda, expose what and white. God, what an easy thing that would they're really saying and how absurd it actual- The Year Of Living Rudely be." ly is. He says essentially this in the first post in by Graham Beekman And so The Rude Pundit became his blog, back in September 2003, The Rude one of the websites I began to read on a daily Pundit Manifesto. "Rudeness doesn’t just After the last presidential election, I basis. It was my favorite place for political mean you get to say words like "fuck." Fuck spent several days coping with a disturbing you if you think that. Rudeness means that realization: I was living in a country in which arguments are made in a way in which the more than half the population actually believed facts make all opinions obvious. Give people that two members of the same sex getting enough rope." Besides, how often do you hear married was more immoral than killing thou- Condoleezza Rice's confirmation hearings sands of people. I'd already known that a compared to telling a gay male prostitute with large segment of the population in America herpes to use a condom? adhered to an ideology that I could never com- So when I read that The Rude Pundit prehend, but the election made me acutely would be doing a series of live shows in New aware of just how many people believed in this York City as part of the annual Fringe Festival, bizarre system of ethics. And it depressed me. I bought tickets as soon as possible. The My older sister, in spite of living in show was held in a small venue called Dixon Europe for the last several years, shared my Place on Bowery. I'd heard there was no air depression, and she e-mailed me a link to a conditioning, so I expected the worst, but the blog called The Rude Pundit (http://rudepun- abundance of fans actually made the tempera- dit.blogspot.com/). The entry she sent me to ture bearable, and certainly cooler than it was was entitled "The Five Stages of Grieving for outside. The first thing you notice when you George Bush's Re-election." As I read, I actu- walk in are all the inflatable sex dolls hung on ally did feel somewhat better. It embodied how the wall with politicians and conservative pun- I felt, the depression and anger at the horribly dits faces taped to them. The most notable irrational beliefs that had come to dominate being the Ann Coulter sex doll, possessing politics. "God, the Rude Pundit wishes he both breasts and a phallus. The Rude Pundit could do this. He wishes he believed in the has always seemed to reserve special venom lies. It's so much easier. Being a liberal is so commentary, largely because he used a style for her, having an "endless series" of blog fucking hard because to be a Christ-lovin' fun- of rhetoric that I've always considered to be posts entitled "Why Ann Coulter Is A Cunt." damentalist drone means you never have to most effective in debates; cut through all the The program given to us provides a take blame for anything you do. You get to see bullshit, the colorful ways in which the opposi- Continued on 7...

S H O W E V E R W I T H A D A M  A N O T H E R N E W F A M I L Y G U Y E P I S O D E A I R S T H I S S U N D A Y  T H E S T A F F O F T H E P U R C H A S E I N D Y The Truth About Myspace Myspace" thing too seriously. How many mega By Jason D. bytes does a myspace kid take up on their digital card? PROBABLY THE WHOLE DAMN What They Want Example of Style Photo Style You To Think What it Really Means Now sure, everyone on campus THING! I mean you’re probably reading this knows about Myspace. It's a life-absorbing leech site that takes over every teenager and laughing or furious just because you know Blurry Artistic Fat, covered in you’re guilty of the crap people pull on acne young adult's life. People spend endless time improving their site and trying to meet new Myspace. Everyone is also guilty of trying to meet people off there, either the hot girl or hot people because its "the" way to meet people. Adding their favorite video or song to their guy. Well let me tell you, most of the people on there are lying about their picture or just taking self portrait taken Trendy too god-damn page, typing in their "supposed" personality in in a mirror stupid to figure pics to make themselves look better. Now out how to use long paragraphs which is just mindless jabber. the timer mode you’re saying, “no, that can't be,” but it's true. I Along with the fact that they’re just making themselves look perfect to the world. They’re also have a diagram shown here, so you can look for yourself. just trying to feel better about themselves and Up-close dark Dark, Fat. People honestly need to stop taking photo Egnigmatic, get that hottie’s attention at some party they Deep one site too seriously and get out in the real went to last night. Sure there are stalkers, people older world and start meeting people. Whatever happened to going out, having fun, and actually than their age, putting on fake pictures of themselves, and trying to meet people but the interacting with someone instead of sitting Extreme Angle Trendy, Eccentric Ugly, perhaps there typing "L-O-L, that's funny, let's hook up." the only picture real problem is the fact that everyone is show- in existance that hides that ing their god damn narcism to the world. STUPID! An online site will not give you the Honestly, there's a new social class happiness or satisfaction of getting around in in our world. "Anal Myspace" kids, they take it Long nasty hair, In a band down Too much of a life. Posting a thousand bulletins about your cheezy glasses with the scene bum to afford so seriously and make it into their own little soap, a haircut, new pictures, adding your retarded friend who or glasses. Has world. They live off of it, make their friends, settled for glass- is apparently lonely and new on myspace, and es people donate and just stay online, never leaving the comput- to the poor er and clicking refresh for new comments on bitching about your life will not make you feel better. Myspace is not the answer to the god their site, their pictures or whatever they want- Extreme angle Sexy, Naughty, Fat. ed. damned Da Vinci code, people. bust shot Desireable What is Myspace? It's a "self- Jesus people, take a fucking break and go outside once and a while will you? esteem" booster and some grade-A Hollywood stalker attraction. Everyone's guilty of the crap I know you kids are out there, once you get on a computer the very first thing you I've pulled along with what the diagram points Subtle photo of Cute, Fun, may Loves the cock, out. But admit it, it's addicting cause it makes the “goods” be naughty, but will give it up type in that address box is w-w-w-.-m-y-s-p-a- not obvious easily. c-e-.-c-o-m. It's an automatic sense to type it you feel better? How does it do it? Maybe you should ask Tom, the creator. Better yet, maybe in, you develop as you become more obsessed with the site, or are you really getting you should complain to Tom, for ruining the true social boundaries a person has with other Obvious photo of Sexy, hot, beauti- Loves the cock, obsessed over yourself?? They are obsessed the “goods” ful, etc. will make your of the attention everyone gives them online people. It's okay, once this generation is done life a living hell to burning their lives away on Myspace maybe get some ass and forget about the true social society out in the real world. Hey, fuck parties, let just stay on they'll realize Facebook was a better site after all. And on with the same cycle. Myspace and meet people. Ask them to hang Here's advice to you “Anal Myspace” Dude wearing In a band down Loves the cock. out without ever meeting them and then end makeup with the scene kids and any online meeting place, please, up meeting a completely different person other then what they made themself up to be on their please..just stop. Better yet...do yourselves in...DELETE IT, DELETE YOUR PROFILE site. FOR GOD SAKES! NO ONE TRULY CARES! I've had experience, I've seen the Extreme close-up Sexy, hot, beau- Not their picture. They’d get more entertainment from watching of any body part tiful, etc. Possily fat, ugly, stupid shit people pull. It's awful and I've given ( minus eyes) disfigured, etc. up on even trying anymore. I rather bang a a Bob Ross re-run about how he painted a happy tree on his canvas instead of talking to thousand dead corpses then deal with the Myspace drama-rama people pull on each you about how your day went or the date you asked them to go on! I mean c'mon, if you don't other. Eyes Deep, enigmatic. Beware: quite possibly a ninja Why?? Why do people suffer and put copy your bulletin and post it a thousand times your Myspace account may be deleted! Oh no, themselves through this? People are idiots, period. Everyone's guilty of trying to make THE HORROR! Seriously, one day Myspace will die themselves better and lust for the attention or become a pay site and everyone will be <<< that Sexy? Sweet , merciful which Myspace gives everybody. Myspace is Jesus, why? done with it. I will laugh at you sorry crying the new Narcism Club in the world today. You can find millions of pics of where people in this Myspace kids. I'll be holding that tissue and hoping your self-esteem manages to rebuild day and age are just trying too hard. Just to itself in such a horrible, horrible situation. Boo- get some person’s attention who may not even Person in a nice They have a nice Drives an 88’ hoo. car car Toyota Tercel look like that hotty you think they are? That's Wagon just sad! They take pics of themselves, maybe even a 100 of themselves to make themselves Someone with Fun, likes to Alcoholic, when look good! They take more pics then a camera booze party drunk will have sex with anything man takes at a wedding! Honestly, some of with a heartbeat you people take this "looking good for

C O L L E C T I V E L Y O R G A S M E D O V E R T H E S I G H T O F T H E I P O D N A N O , W H I C H W E P R E D I C T E D L A S T W E E K  S U B M I T Y O U R A R T I - For All Who Eat Food! Monsanto has created: by Navy Baker -Round-up, an herbicide that gener- ates up to 40% of Monsanto’s total revenue We all know that farmers use all sorts of - herbicide “Round-up Ready” geneti- Dear Starr and Jade, pesticides in their crops to keep bugs away, cally modified soybean. My Boyfriend is way too protective. Last right? I think we could all deal with these simple weekend, he called me eleven times in one truths and trust that our bodies could deal if we In order for this soybean to be geneti- h o u r, and we live three blocks away. just pop a few vitamins and wash our fruit and cally resistant to Round-Up ready, it contains Yesterday, he drove three hours to make veggies before we eat them, right? The thing is, genes from: The bacteria Agrobacterium sp., sure I was at the mall, where I said I was. He the food industry is not just doing a few things cauliflower virus, ecoli-virus and petunia (a kind doesn’t realize that our relationship is in trou - that could be potentially somewhat harmful to of flower) . ble. What should I do? our bodies, it’s actually started to embark upon I could get into the science of how this one of the greatest intractable forms of bio-tech- is done, but that would take a very, very long -Gasping for fresh air nology the world has ever seen. time. A more important question is WHY IS IT Should you be scared? NO. Should DANGEROUS? Dear Gasping, you be informed and empowered? Absolutely. a) Monsanto, as well as the other large Girl, we have got one helluva solution for yo Ok, so listen. I’m no science major. I corporations that use bio-chemically altered fine ass. Here’s what you do. Have him buy can’t explain to you down to the molecule of how food make a ton of money- and have people in you one of those expensive GPS systems. food is manipulated in order for corporations to our government backing them up. That way, he can find you at any mutha- make money. But what I can do is let you know b) But what about the FDA, you say! fuckin’ time of the day. Once you get yoself a little bit of what’s The FDA, USDA the receiver, give it to your girl Jade here. going on. You may and EPA rely on She’ll wear it as a vag ring the next time she ask why I care – tests done by the performs at the Smelly Clam. One whiff of and I will tell you c o m p a n i e s the bar will teach him neva to fuck with you it’s because we, at THEMSELVES to again. present, don’t deem the food as have much say in safe. You can see what goes into our how this becomes I’m really interested in this cute emo boy. own bodies. I will problematic. The only problem is I’m not sure if he’s gay. also tell you that c) But How can I tell? the only thing wait! Aren’t there that’s keeping this safety standards -Boi without Toy system running is for genetically the lack of knowl- m o d i f i e d Dear Boy, edge among con- foods???? Uh, Have you tried sucking his cock? When we sumers. If we hm. in 1992 they can’t tell if a boy is into our shit, we just go demanded that were declared to down on him. If he likes it, you golden, baby! our food wasn’t be “substantially equivalent” to traditional foods If the wang ain’t his thang, make sure you overrun with chemically altered substances, and therefore were deemed as safe (there was have some muthafuckin’ chloraform ready, then it wouldn’t be. It’s that simple. no scientific data to back this up, surprise, sur- cuz that shit can get nasty fast. Get yo cute Sit through this so you can understand prise). Then in 1999 there was a huge lawsuit little ass outta there ASAP, and stop by our it. Don’t get discouraged by the science jargon, that uncovered documents that the FDA’s own place...we’ll show you a muthafuckin’ time! ok? In a nut shell, this is what’s going on. We all scientists had concluded that genetically modi- know what a gene is, right? Let me explain then. fied foods posed a unique safety hazard and Genes are strings of chemicals nuclei acids in recommended that each case be taken individ- Hello ladies. My girlfriend and I have been DNA. The nucleic acids are like letters in an ually and studied. These demands were cov- dating for seven months, and I still haven’t alphabet. Three of them together makes a ered up by FDA beurocrats and were pretty been able to make her orgasm. We have “code.” The code then stands for a specific much ignored. tried all types of positions and such, but amino acid. Amino acids are the building blocks nothing has worked. What can I do to make of proteins and proteins form the structures of WHICH MEANS: her scream? living things. Your body contains millions of dif- - we don’t know how our bodies will -Man with no plan ferent kinds of proteins with different kinds of react to this food. We don’t know if it will cause jobs. Before genetic engineering, species could cancer in us in 30 years. We don’t know about Dear Man, only share genes through reproduction with their allergic reactions, or what long term and short Why don’t you start by growing a fuckin’ dick. own species. With genetic engineering, genes term differences in our own genetic makeup it Clearly, yo manhood is anything but, and from completely unrelated organisms can be may affect. that has gotta change. I know that we got introduced into our blood supply. ( AKA- your some email a few days ago that said some getting MOTH or FISH or BACTERIA genes in !!!! Seeds for Hire (this is where it gets shit ‘bout adding a few inches to yo dick, and your corn or rice). scary)!!!! we sure as fuck don’t need that, so we’ll Oi ! SOY! send it your way. Once you long and strong, L e t ’s concentrate on an example: Monsanto has been one of the corpo- we recommend you try sprinking a little pep- Monsanto Monsanto, the nations leading corporations who have put a patent on a living thing. per on her pussy. That’ll get things nice and ration that produces herbicides and herbicide A patent is kind of like a trademark. You know, hot down there, and she’ll be shreiking like a resistant soybeans, is one of the most danger- so nobody can take away your invention or bitch in Friday the 13th! ously powerful and growing business in our poetry or advertising logo. But the patenting of country today. seeds is super different. When Monsanto patented their special genetically modified soy Contined on Page 11...

C O L L E C T I V E L Y O R G A S M E D O V E R T H E S I G H T O F T H E I P O D N A N O , W H I C H W E P R E D I C T E D L A S T W E E K  S U B M I T Y O U R A R T I - Always Check Your be a good time to mention that in no time dur- Fitting In By Standing ing my interaction with the police did they Windshield allude to the bill being expensive. After my OOOUUUT. By Natalie Eilbert friend went out of his way to drive me during By Sam Lester rush-hour traffic, I waited in their lobby for the Within the first week of being on bitter, tarantula eye-lashed receptionist to give At heart, we’re all rebellious outcasts. campus, my car was impounded and, to add me what was mine after spitting out a reason- This is what the guy with three pierced holes in insult to injury, the wonderful campus police able price between $50 and $80. Instead, she his lip and a green tattoo covering his neck left me with three summons, placed like treas- squawked, “$348.95,” and my jaw hit their says. At heart, we’re also all a little perverted. ure underneath my windshield wiper. By desk. What Purchase kid actually has that This is what the guy who just got busted for a injury, we’re talking about a $400 mark in my much money in their possession? Who do child pornography web ring might say. Really, at bank account. How did this transpire? I’m they think we are? Manhattenville? heart, we’re just all confused freshman trying to glad you asked. Before I left, crestfallen and still car- figure out why in the hell it says we have no flex On move-in day, a campus police less, she slipped in that it would be an addi- points left. This article is my chance to rap to o fficer was directing and regulating the tional $40 tomorrow. SO…for every day that it you about what I’ve come to realize in my first onslaught of mini-vans congesting the Big seems impossible to pay, they tack on an extra week of college. Haus parking lot. He told me that I could park $40. Fortunately, I called my parents and they Being individual is what we say we’re in the only available spot, which happened to were able to transfer money into my account- all about but if everyone is eating at the hub then be reserved and since I was moving into my however, not all students have this sort of you’re not going to take your imaginary friend room solo, I was very appreciative. After financial safety net. The next day I grumbled and go to the dining hall. Or are you? (I know dizzying myself with heaving all of my belong- as I peeled two solar rendered tickets off of my some of you are going to say yes to this and ings up a flight of stairs and repeating the dashboard, one for parking in a reserved spot then turn to your imaginary friend and offer him process in the smoldering August heat, the and another for having an expired registration. some tea and maybe a crab cake like substance last thing on my mind was moving my car. Isn’t paying a large sum of money from an from the dining hall.) And if everyone at the hub Well, lo and behold, the next day I wandered impounding lot in Harrison enough? Does this is getting a chicken sandwich and then telling the parking lot searching in a baffle for a car devious act really deserve the extra $50 on top the cashier it’s a burger to save 50 cents are you that was not there. of my bill? I mean, how else will the police get going to get a chicken caesar salad and tell After calling the police, I discovered those neat little Segway scooters? them its beef stew that’s been coughed in by a that my car had been towed because of an There needs to be a new proposal pig? And speaking of Fitty Cent, with the new expired registration sticker- they hadn’t noti- for this- a notice made personal by the police Kanye album out I now have a new poster that I fied me at all. They could have seen that it instead of the wonderful surprise of searching kiss goodnight before I go to bed every night. was expired and given me a 24-hour warning. aimlessly in the parking lot for a car that has Being individual or unique is tough but Since I didn’t have much time to fix any of this been needlessly taken. It is inconsiderate of fitting in is even harder. Before we can get peo- right away, I waited a day to take care of the campus police to just impound a car like ple to recognize us for who we are, we have to everything. To renew a registration, it’s as that. With all the other financial stresses recognize who those other people are and then simple as going to www.dmv.org - the process imparted on the typical college student, become one of them. This sounds like a pretty takes less than five minutes. Let me repeat- In bureaucratic bullshit like this should not be tol- cynical statement but really when you think less than FIVE minutes, I was able to fix the erated. The whole ticketing and impounding about it – it’s true. For example, I’m here study- problem, but my poor car was still being fos- process needs to be redesigned, giving car- ing jazz, and to study jazz you have to study the tered in a mean impounding lot. The nice owners some sort of vent between the viola- music of the masters – Charlie Parker, John campus police lady told me I could come to tion and the summons. Strangely enough, it Coltrane, Bill Evans, Yanni. Two years ago the office to pick up my release form and I might actually help, both, the students and the when I first got up on the bandstand with profes- thought my woes were over. police, rather than always causing so much sional musicians at a jam session in New York, I When we found a compromised time unnecessary weight and angry ramblings such found out quickly that in order to get recognized in both of our schedules, my friend drove me as this one. by those guys I needed to go into the woodshed to the towing services in Harrison. This would and work on learning some of the masters’ music; their solos, the way the band interacted, how they played the classic tunes. After I worked on that I could get back out there and be more equipped to sound like I belonged up there with the guys on the bandstand. All I was trying to do really was to fit in. Yet everything I was doing was what a young jazz musician is supposed to do, right? Aries: (March 21- April 19) you personally responsi- I am right. And the question was Now that you're here, Cancer: (June 21- July Libra: (September 23- ble for the fact that the rhetorical so I shouldn’t have answered it, not to don't be afraid to take part 22) Every time you swipe October 22) Beware of construction on the mall in any lesbian activity! It's your MoreCard and angel freshman herds wander- wasn't finished over the mention how obnoxious it is to answer your own good, clean, head shavin' gets chronic diarrhea. ing the apartments. They summer. questions. The next question I’m going to ask I fun! will steal your liquor. And want you to answer though. Where in your life Leo: (July 23- August 22) if you're a freshman— Capricorn: (December 22- do you feel like you need to fit in in order to be Taurus: (April 20-May 20) The barbeque pit in the beware of date rape. January 19) You need a Hilary Duff will clean your quad will consume your cheap vacation? We hear yourself? Take a moment to think about it, seri- bathroom for you. Or burn Stop & Shop-bought low- Scorpio: (October 23- Louisiana has great travel ously. It will give you a chance to have a deep down your kitchen.… with grade overpriced meat en November 21) Dance, deals this season. and meaningful discussion with your most likely popcorn. fuego. Go commiserate dance and frolic with the gay imaginary friend. Mine is named Lucio and with a Cancer. wondrous creatures in the Aquarius: (January 20- he is a hairdresser in Hoboken, New Jersey. Gemini: (May 21- June Farside basement! February 18) Mars is ret- 20) You have the same Virgo: (August 23- rograde and the moon is Lucio agrees with me that fitting in has star sign as A l a n i s September 22) You will Sagittarius: (November in your mother, which been a way of life since we were little and we all Morissette… how appro- submit a Backpage quote. 22- December 21) T h i s means that now is a good wanted tomogotchi or yo-yos. Now self-expres priate! You will. week, everyone will hold time to spend money. Continued on Page 11...

C O L L E C T I V E L Y O R G A S M E D O V E R T H E S I G H T O F T H E I P O D N A N O , W H I C H W E P R E D I C T E D L A S T W E E K  S U B M I T Y O U R A R T I - International Students: erning the country we live in,” said one interna- “Pundit” from Page 3... tional student, and many shared a similar brief description of the Rude One's alter ego. To Vote or Not to Vote? viewpoint. When asked whether they would His real name is Lee Papa, and he is a profes- By Ewa Bronowicz like to vote, the opinions were mixed. “When I sor of Drama Studies at The College of Staten came to this country, I didn’t know much about Island. After waiting for roughly 15 minutes, the On the day of the presidential elec- American politics. I think if I become an lights go out and patriotic music begins. Out tion, I went to my local bank to withdraw some American citizen, then I should have the right walks Lee Papa, he sits in a chair with his back money, which I desperately needed to pur- to vote,” stated David Abraham, Studio facing the audience until the music stops and chase a book. “Did you vote yet?” the clerk Production major from India. On the other the lights come back up, and we finally get to asked. “No,” I replied, anxious to run to hand, “maybe an outsider’s view would be place a face to the man. To quote the New York Borders. “But you will vote later?” he insisted. beneficial to American politics,” said Yu k i Times review, "a tall, stocky young man in his “No, I’m not allowed,” I said. With a few green Teneke, Journalism and Spanish major from 30's with long hippie-esque blond hair, who is a papers in my hand, I was about to say good- Japan. Indeed, America prides itself in being writer, professor and sometime actor." He wait- bye, when the clerk looked at me sadly for a the country of cultural diversities, and giving ed a few moments before getting up and start- few seconds, and eventually said, “I’m sorry to some of those diversities the right to vote ing his show, talking about his adolescence and hear that,” as if announcing someone’s death. would simply confirm this statement. After all, how, in high school, he heard about Reagan I smiled not knowing what else to do, left the international students legally inhabit the U.S. being shot and ran from classroom to classroom bank without a further comment, and pur- Day by day, year by year, we become more telling everyone the news. His performance chased “The Double” by Jose Saramago. Americanized, and yet, we remain speechless was broken up in a similar way to his blog; when Next day at school everyone talked in the one area of American life where we he reaches his point then the lights go black, about the election—the students, the teach- should be given a voice—in politics. part of a patriotic song plays, and then he ers, even the buildings seemed to be affected Does the law, by not allowing us to begins again. by the results. I unconsciously avoided social- vote, promote ignorance or at least limited One of the segments of the show put izing that day until I realized that I was doing it, interest in politics in the international students’ forth the idea that all liberals should begin rap- and why—because, surrounded by cries of joy circles? When asked about the candidates in ing Republicans. The basis for this idea is that or disappointment, I remained indifferent to the the last presidential election, one student a huge tactic in Republican rhetoric is associat- top news of said,” I pre- ing the word "liberal" with appalling ideas, so if the day. And ferred one the word was associated with people who rape w h a t ’ s over the Republicans, then when John Kerry or Hillary more, I felt o t h e r, but Clinton is accused of being a liberal, they can e m b a r - since I say "I am not a liberal. I have never, nor do I r a s s e d c o u l d n ’ t intend to, rape a Republican." He suggests jus- about it. vote, I didn’t tifying this behavior by using Jesus. "Hell," he make a says, "Bush can just take anything Jesus said George W. c l e a r out of context and pretend that's what he meant. Bush has choice.” Of Why can't we? Love thy neighbor! I would like b e e n course, ulti- to be fucked, I think I should start fucking my r e e l e c t e d . m a t e l y, we neighbor!" So? Yes, it are the ones There was only one part of the show s o u n d s who decide that had ever been in the blog; the first post in a bad—that I whether to series entitled "Christ Weary," an attack on the didn’t care. have opin- religious fundamentalism that has gripped the But let me ions or not, c o u n t r y. "They are deluded motherfuckers, e x p l a i n and yet, man, who would smile reading this because all myself. I am an international student from knowing that our voice won’t matter does not they would think is that they know best because Poland. I’ve been in America for over four encourage political involvement. What are we Jesus tells them so and then they'd feel sad that years now, living my dream to pursue an edu- to do? “Let you voices be heard in any way the Rude Pundit refuses to let Christ into his cation in the Promised Land. I’ve never con- you can,” said Deirdre Sato, “but voting power heart. But then they'd feel happy because Jesus sidered myself a political freak, but in my should be limited to US citizens.” And yet, we is in their hearts. It's so fuckin' sweet." home country I followed the news and had cannot vote in our homelands, because we The last segment of the show was opinions on the important issues of the world, live abroad, and we cannot vote in the foreign Papa telling us a method of converting unlike here where I am an international stu- place where we pursue our education, Republicans to our side. He begins this by dent, and therefore I am not entitled to vote. Is because the place is not our homeland. likening their side to a cult by reading off a list of this the reason behind my indifference? In try- Vicious circle? criteria that defines what a cult is. He goes on ing to find an answer to my question, I sur- Having analyzed the situation, I feel to say that we have to begin converting the veyed some international students from SUNY consoled that others share my dilemma. Still, weakest members, and slowly work our way up. Purchase. with a few years more years to go of living in So, who is the weak member he focuses on? There are about 120 international the US, I wonder if I will ever get excited about Colin Powell. He takes the Colin Powell sex doll students in SUNY Purchase and thousands American politics. A Polish friend of mine off the wall, sits it in the chair, and begins his across the country. We pay double tuition fees asked, “What’s the point?” Of course, I want to sample intervention. At the end of it, when (equal to those out-of-state), we usually can- be aware of the world, especially the world "Colin" does not comply, Papa rips the penis off not work, traveling abroad may be risky, we closest to me, which, at the moment, happens the doll, turns it over, and sodomizes it. Then he are not eligible for financial aid, and our to be America. Aware, yes, but is there a point closes by saying, "We may have to do this by chances of receiving scholarships are limited. in getting excited over the presidential election converting one citizen at a time." He did not say That sounds like a lot of complaining, and here when our voice in choosing the president is whether or not these conversions are typically is another one: we live in this country, for some silent? supposed to include sodomy. of us this country slowly becomes the second homeland, and yet we cannot shape its future. “We should have a choice who would be gov-

C L E S T O P U R C H A S E I N D Y @ G M A I L . C O M  C O M I N G N E X T W E E K : T R A N S R A C I A L I S M A N D Y O U !  A N Y C O N S E R V A T I V E S O U T -LETTERS- My heart goes out to his family and Let’s Talk About Sex friends. My family does not accept me. They With Kathleen Lavin refuse to speak to me because of my liberal I just wanted to thank you for this politics and my sexual orientation. After read- week's issue of the indy. Yes, I am a proud, ing this week's issue I put aside my pride and Upon having a discussion with a fel- lesbian, activist, liberal Purchase student. My low classmate a few nights back, I began think- called my father for the first time in months. entire family is right wing, conservative, reli- I don't agree with my family's support ing about sex, and the desire for that which we gious, military. My cousin Jamie is a marine ourselves do not have. For instance, in this par- of our president, and their support of the war who has served in over 3 overseas locations. effort, but they are still my family and I love ticular conversation, we were both expressing My cousin Rachel just married a man named our desires to “feel a fake boob.” Between the them. They still don't accept me, but at least Jeremie. now they know I care. I wouldn't have done it two of us (him being of the male persuasion, He is also a marine and was and me having well, a lack of silicone) we fell a had this article not hit home as hard as it did. deployed to Afghanistan a week after their The lesson I took from it is that couple of fake tits short of the September issue wedding this summer. His brother is currently of Penthouse magazine. Even though I had Anthony was an amazing person (everything on base learning languages so he can trans- I've read/heard/etc. indicates that he was heard from a very reliable source back home late when he is deployed some time in the next that “real feels better than fake,” I feel this is an much more than amazing) who took his beliefs year. My grandfather was an army drill sear- seriously. I thank him for that lesson. It's one issue that I want to explore for myself, and no gent in Ft. Knox, and was a prison guard at amount of silicone bashing will leave me satis- that I think a lot of us here sometimes forget. I Attica after his tour. won't let my personal politics get in the way of fied. I grew up in a household where mili- As human beings, it is only natural to what's important to me. So thank you, again, tary discipline was as common as breathing. for an issue that wasn't our usual, lighthearted have a burning desire to explore the unknown, Reading Anthony's story, I cried. I cried and this is quite possibly where fetishes, sexual weekly affair, but was still had just as much because that could happen to my family at any impact. Thank you for doing what is important fantasies and experimentation come into play. time. I felt like an idiot walking down the path Maybe this hot and sticky void between the to you. to Alumni with tears streaming down my face, known and unknown is where the best sex and all I could think was "It could have been occurs. Or maybe it’s the exact opposite…once Jenn Anderson me." one slides into a sexual grove that pleases them most, ultimate satisfaction will quite possibly occur. I believe it depends on the comfort level of the particular individual, as well as their willingness to venture into indefinite fields. Maybe my aspiration to feel up a fake breast is unreachable…or even boring, to a cer- tain extent…but it’s my desire to have access to Name: Pete what you're into. Biggest Turn-off: position: the one something that I don’t have that keeps me so Age: 18 Major: Anthropology cock & bawlz where she has a strap passionately glancing in that direction. It’s a Looking For: Girl for Age: 22 Cookie or Cream of on. common theme among sexual activity…there Dating/Relationship Looking for: Persons the Oreo? Interests: Tattoos, Contact: are things that you want to try, but don’t know if Music, Movies, Writing of any gender or lack You know it's all about IM: emptyspace601 Biggest Turn-on: thereof. the cream. In fact, I you’ll like or even get to experience, but all you Public Affection Interests: may have to consider ❇❇❇❇❇❇❇❇❇❇❇❇ can do is hope for the best. Biggest Turn-off: Anthropology, comics, Oreos as part of my Anything you wouldn't spirituality daily oral skillz work- Name: Will Oldham want done to yourself, Biggest Turn-on: out. INAPPROPRI- Gender: Male I guess Distinctive hair ATE!!! Major: Antagonism Cookie or Cream of Age: 32 the Oreo? The Biggest Turn-off: Contact: Ignorance [email protected] Looking For: A Chocolate Chips sucker's evening Contact: Hair or bare: Fuzzy ❇❇❇❇❇❇❇❇❇❇❇❇ Peter.Grzymkowski@ people are better for Interests: My jeep, Purhcase.edu hugging. Nom de Plume: My porch, Old books, ❇❇❇❇❇❇❇❇❇❇❇❇ E-mail: ayellow- Andrew Kühl(yes My brothers, The [email protected] risen lord ladies Im german) Biggest Turn-on: Name: Kevin ❇❇❇❇❇❇❇❇❇❇❇❇ Major: Cinema Gilmartin Studies but changing Bathing in the Major: Sociology? Name: Jenn to Studio Composition evening Age: (physically?) 18 Major: Bio Age: 19 Biggest Turn-off: All Looking For: surreal- Age: 24 Looking for: Sexy babies ist Girl Looking For: wicked Punk chick, Hair or Bare?: Bare, Interests: the avant- hook ups with the Intellectual dadaist of course garde, Sleater-Kinney, womenz woman, quick sex, Contact: Xiu Xiu, Upright Interests: Gay, gay maybe coffee and a Citizens Brigade and more gay. french cruller IM: Biggest Turn-on: $250,000 micro- Interests: SummermakesGood Consideration, scopes. Multiple Einstürzende Intuitiveness, Wit orgasms. Being Neubauten, Dadaism, Biggest Turn-off: The Avantgarde(how Jackassedness cliche!), Real industrial Least favorite sexual music, Sound explo- position: Back of a ration, The Holy IT’S PTV FOR THE BLIND! Volkswagon. Mountain Contact: Ext. 7874 Turn ons: Music ❇❇❇❇❇❇❇❇❇❇❇❇ Taste, Intellect, Ability to drink more than me. Name: Davide Turn offs: MTV, Too LISTEN LIVE Gender: is a social incredibly offensive. much tanning(IE construct. The ink on Biggest Turn-on: Bronze girls), my birth certificate Super geek alterna- Emo/screamo music. says "male", if that's girls Least favorite sexual 1610 am

C O L L E C T I V E L Y O R G A S M E D O V E R T H E S I G H T O F T H E I P O D N A N O , W H I C H W E P R E D I C T E D L A S T W E E K  S U B M I T Y O U R A R T I - The Independent FALL PHOTO CONTEST GRAND PRIZE: PHOTO PUBLISHED ON THE FRONT COVER OF INDEPENDENT #99 (OCT 27)

-$100 GIFT CERTIFICATE TO B & H PHOTO IN NEW YORK CITY

-TEN-TRIP PASS ON METRO NORTH (WHITE PLAINS TO GRAND CENTRAL)

3 RUNNERS UP: THEIR PHOTOS PUBLISHED IN INDEPENDENT #99

REGULATIONS: -Color and B&W photos, as well as digital images and digitally modified images are all acceptable. -There is no theme, Submit what you think is your best work. -There is no size limit, but we would prefer images that are of a 4X3 ratio and no larger than 8.5 X 14 (unless you personally scan them, our scanner is good, but is only so big.).

RULES: -The contest is open to ALL Purchase Students regard- less of whether or not they are a photo major.

-All entries must be turned in by Monday October 17, 2005 to The Independent Office (CCN 1011) or the PSGA Office (CCN 1012) If all else fails, e-mail us at [email protected].

-All contestants must provide the original prints or .JPEG files on CD-R.

-The Maximum number of entries is five. ------NAME: ______T I T L E : ______E-MAIL:______YEAR/MAJOR:______Make sure you include all this info with your entries.

C O L L E C T I V E L Y O R G A S M E D O V E R T H E S I G H T O F T H E I P O D N A N O , W H I C H W E P R E D I C T E D L A S T W E E K  S U B M I T Y O U R A R T I - “Segways” from Front Page... Segways can be used wherever a ticketing tions about the situation. Had they officer is willing to work. They also work in done so, they would have discovered that just harsh weather conditions, although Mr. about everything assumed about the Segway Moccio stated that he would not send his purchase was false. officers in a temperamental weather. In reality, the Segways were chosen One of the things that most out- as a new tool for the Public Safety Officers of raged students was the idea that the scoot- the Parking and Facilities Services. T h e ers had been purchased using tuition Human Transporters were chosen by the money or mandatory student fees. department this past summer to replace their “The idea of giving the parking donated aging Kia Sophia, which was beyond police Segways is completely pointless repair. and a waste of money,” said Courtney “Without [parking] enforcement, it’s Scott, sophomore design/technology. the students who get short-handed,” said “There has to be better things to spend this Gordon Moccio, head of Parking and Facilities. money on. Like actually FIXING the inter- Already burdened with a small four net situation by updating the technology or officer staff, Parking and Facilities were in des- making the Loop run earlier in the day.” perate need of a new way to get around cam- In truth, the Segways were pur- pus. Among the possibilities discussed for a chased with the funds accumulated by the new mode of transportation included a new car parking tickets written by the department’s and mountain bikes. A new car was not finan- public safety officers. This fund is also cially possible, especially considering the price used for emergency repairs for the parking of gasoline. facilities around campus. In addition to the After looking at the bike option, the Segways, the fund went to re-paving the department found that they were not the most Campus Center North parking lot and the cost-efficient solution to their transportation department is looking to re-do the South problems. The college could not simply pur- lot, which Moccio describes as chase any bicycle; they were required to buy “The officers were completely within the being in “bad shape.” police-issued mountain bikes, which can run in Not only were the offi- excess of $2,000. In addition to that, the offi- rights to spend the funds... The money cers completely within their rights cers would need to take a costly off-campus could never have been used for things to spend the funds, but it was a training course, which would require the col- like fixing the slow internet connections necessary expense for Parking lege to pay for housing wherever the course or the bus loop.” and Facilities to meet their job was being offered. requirements. The money never As it turned out, the proposal for two Another benefit is that they are elec- could have been used for things like fixing the Segway Transporters was the most cost-effec- tric, and don’t run on gasoline. Furthermore, slow internet connections or the bus loop. tive and easily executable plan. The college the Segways only require one hour of on-cam- As it turns out, the great Segway was able to negotiate the price of $3,950 per pus training, further cutting costs. conspiracy is the product of nothing more than Segway, down from over $6,000. Contrary to popular belief, the misinformed, disgruntled students.

“Bunny Ranch” from Front Page... The Bunnyranch has an official web- she is planning on keeping the child of an over 300k annually. Sunset Thomas, a porn site which includes a message board where unknown customer. The purpose of her post is star and "featured" working girl, starts her par- working girls, repeat customers, and fans of to identify the father of her unborn child. She ties at $2500 an hour, things like anal sex are the show post. Everything from, "Is bigger asks any man to reply who had intercourse extra. In one segment a wealthy casino owner really better," to the girls', "most esteem-able with her between July 4-8. After about 35 flies from Vegas to Carson City on his heli- posts, Kandi has deter- copter. He has a four-hour party with two mined the paternity of girls for $25,000. her child. She is known for fetish parties, so pen- The entire show has an eerie etration is not a common Stepford Wives feel to it. Everything is just service for her to sell. way too happy, way too perfect. Not once Kandi and this man, lets do you see any of the women talk about the call him John, then pro- emotional and psychological toll their work ceed to chat publicly takes on them. The women on the show act about Kandi's pregnan- as if they have just discovered the secret to cy. They exchange very eternal happiness and financial stability, all basic information, like while lying on their back. Annie Andersin, a their phone numbers. 6' 2" Hustler centerfold, boasts, "I can't ever Over three days 2,500 think of a moment at the Bunnyranch that I d i fferent users have wasn't happy." viewed the post. Kandi If you dig a little deeper, the honky closes out the session tonk gaiety that the HBO series presented by typing, "By the way fades. In an article from The New Yorker, Air moment as a working girl," is discussed. If you John, what's your last name?" And ultimately Force Amy is quoted saying, "My brother sold scroll down the page and get through the the dark joke (if we date call it that) is on them. me for a half pack of cigarettes when I was clichéd sex jokes and embarrassing anec- only ten, and it was on from there. I left home dotes, you see a new topic started by one of at an early age and I started doing blow jobs in the prostitutes named Kandi. truck stops just to get around." Kandi's birth control has failed and

C O L L E C T I V E L Y O R G A S M E D O V E R T H E S I G H T O F T H E I P O D N A N O , W H I C H W E P R E D I C T E D L A S T W E E K  S U B M I T Y O U “Fitting In” from Page 6... “Eat” from Page 5... time. Once the seeds intermingle sion has become the way we fit it. Is it possible for someone to bean, nobody really paid much with the native crops, the third world express themselves in a bold and unique way by wearing khakis and attention. Since then, they have people are pretty much screwed. polo shirts every day and never learning how to play an acoustic gui- gone around the US and Canada, What YOU can DO: tar while sitting on wet grass? The easiest way to stand out is to fol- suing any farmer who has this type Support local and Organic low the way your peers stand out, and then to claim that you are of soybean in his or her field. This is farmers- whose livelihood and stake making a statement to those people who aren’t your peers, which a problem because most of these in the business rests solely on the would be ok if those people didn’t have pre-conceived notions about farmers didn’t even know that they consumer and not revenues main- you already. had patented beans in their field tained from massive wealth. Shop I’m sorry if I may be starting to sound cynical again but in because they NEVER planted them. organically, or grow your own food. reality we fit in with our peers so that we can stand out to someone. AKA – SEEDS MOVE, MULTIPLY Right here at Purchase you can buy But to whom? Our parents? Stop me if you think I’m not on the right AND SPREAD. food at our AWSEOME Co-OP, track. . . Ok, I’ll continue. The more I try to fit in with other jazz cats This means that without which takes special care in every- the more I become completely and utterly unlike my parents. If I proper control of seeds, Monsanto thing they order (located at the top decide to become politically active however and run for PSGA sen- seeds can spread all over the coun- of the mezzanine near the dining ate (please vote for me, I’ll make all meal plans into unlimited flex try and the corporation can claim hall). You can even make personal points), then I will stand out to my jazz peers but in the process their stake on wherever the seeds orders there! Know that you have become much more like my father, who is running for city council this land. the power to make change, and it fall. I never want to be in elected office after I graduate from here but This affects third world doesn’t have to be complicated. I promise I will do a good job in addressing all of your needs in the countries because genetically modi- Inform yourself so that you can take senate. I’m running because I want to stand out by fitting in. Or is it fied corn is often shipped to their charge of what goes into your body. the other way around? In any event, I’m Sam Lester. I’ve been countries because it’s cheaper to It’s up to all of us to keep our food endorsed by Al Sharpton and Britney’s fetus. Vote for me for PSGA buy there. This affects Mexico and supply free from things that can senate. other central American countries big make us sick!

C O L L E C T I V E L Y O R G A S M E D O V E R T H E S I G H T O F T H E I P O D N A N O , W H I C H W E P R E D I C T E D L A S T W E E K  S U B M I T Y O U R I n d Teh e pP u rec h ans e d e n t

The Purchase Independent Tuesday Septmeber 13 7-9 PM “Well, no one I knew was remembers those lost on bleeding from the head.” September 11, 2001 There will be a cookout (vegan friendly!) in the Quad “That smugness of yours really MAKE YA NEXT MOVE YA Live music is welcome is an attractive quality.” BEST MOVE AND ROLL All proceeds donated to the “Thank you. It was either that or Red Cross get my hair highlighted. WIT A PIMP! CHURCHHH! Smugness is easier to maintain.” h t t p : / / l i v e j o u r n a l . c o m / “It’s not just a joke - this Marie killed a guy! ~ h a i l _ 2 t h e _ c h i e f is my penis!” We are LARPers B u r y your dead “ P r i n t dam n y ou , j u s t ...of love.” C U LTURE SHOCK 2 K 6 f u c k i n g p r i n t dam n y ou ! ” - C r a ck M on k ey R.I.P. = Submit to Italics Mine! Roll in Peace Italics Mine, Purchase College’s Guys who had dreads last “I’m high on phonesex!” Literary and Creative magazine, is semester are SO hot! -Crack Monke y now accepting submissions of Poetry Evan, will you ever go back? Fashion is a form of ugliness Short Fiction so intolerable that we have to Photography Family Guy makes me... alter it every six months. Drawings Paintings Go limp! --Oscar Wi l d e $100 will be rewarded to the To G-4-4: best fiction and poetry I’m sorry. . . S k e e t - S k e e t - S k e e t ! Drop submissions off to Hum. 2021 I did not sleep with your man Include a title page with name, but your fr i e nd did . Co nd om s do n’t p rot e ct address, phone number, and word < 3 count “...machismo.” th e he a r t ! “Is that how you say it?” “I don’t know, I’m not Crack Den Message of Looking for organic food, Mexican.” the week: cheap coffee, tea, and live stay crackin’ shows? Does anyone else i n the save a tree . . . Eat a beaver. The Co-Op is now open in the Conservatory of Music feel terri- Dining Hall Mezzanine! Stop by ble about the way composition professor Dary John Mi zell e was “Dammit, I'm stuck on this 'inter- to relax and say hi. forced out of the school last galactic' DC-8 for the next six “What’s your plan? You take semester? He i s a good man. l i g h t y ears. What's the in-fl i g h t the big dark one, I’ll take the little girl and the The people who conspired against movie? Pauly Shore's "In the Army Aussie will run like a hi m are not so good. Now?" NO O O O O O ! ” scared wombat if things get Our school bleeds. r o u g h ? ” -Anonymous “And of course yo u ' v e got the ALLE RGIC TO C HE AP. To wh o e v er submitted the follow i n g : woman in front of you that reclines “I’m gonna go geta sodaid owe my ass.” her seat ALL THE WAY BACK fo r “I don’t believe in it anyway.” Your handwriting sucks. the entire flight, and the kid “ W h a t ? ” “ E n g l a n d . ” remember - speak softly and carry a behind you who won't stop cry i n g . ” “Just a conspiracy of big stick. If you speak softly, the scor- cartographers you mean?” pions won't hear you coming and you ‘Back up... what’s a vagina?” can use the big stick to bust them W W W . D O I N E E D A J A C K E T . C O M before they can attack you.