The Wind in the Willows

THE WIND IN THE WILLOWS

______

A full-length musical Book and lyrics by Diane Grant Music by Michael Reilly

Adapted from The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame

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CAST OF CHARACTERS

Principals:

MISS MOLE, a sensitive, impetuous creature. MISS RATTY, a poet and a born teacher. MISS OTTER, a gossip and gadabout. WIDOW BADGER, a stern recluse with a heart of gold. TOAD, a feckless and reckless adventurer. WILHEMINA (WILLY) WEASEL, a hustler. THE WEASEL TWINS, Erica and Harriet. WILMER OTTER, not the brightest one in the Otter family.

Ensemble and Children's Chorus—doubling as:

THE SPIRIT OF THE SEASONS FATHER HEDGEHOG MOTHER HEDGEHOG ARTHUR HEDGEHOG ANNIE HEDGEHOG DORA FIELD MOUSE DONALD FIELD MOUSE JERRY STOAT JIMMY STOAT MAGISTRATE CLERK JURORS #1, #2, AND #3 A WASHERWOMAN THE OFFICER OF THE PUBLIC SAFETY

SERVANTS, FERRETS, TOWNSPEOPLE, WAITERS, MOTORCAR DRIVERS, LAWYERS, PRISON GUARDS

SETTING

English countryside; 1908.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

First produced by Theatre Palisades (Pacific Palisades, CA). Thanks to Dorothy Dillingham Blue for her faith in the play, collaborative skills, inventive direction and choreography, unflagging energy, and her ability to work magic with children.

LIST OF SONGS

ACT I

A New World...... Mole The Good Old Summertime...... Toad and Servants The Grey and Chilly Days of Fall...... Mole, Ratty and Otter He'd Have to Get Under, Get Out and Get Under...... Willy, Erica and Harriet O Christmas Tree...... Children's Chorus, Ratty and Mole It's Wintertime...Mole, Ratty, Otter, Badger, Stoats, Weasels and Ferrets

ACT II

Please Go 'Way And Let Me Sleep...... Badger, Mole, Ratty and Otter Put Your Arms Around Me, Honey...... Wilmer Thank you, Mr. Toad!...... Stoats, Weasels and Ferrets Hail, Hail, The Gang’s All Here...... Badger, Ratty, Otter, Toad and Mole A New World (Reprise)....Mole, Ratty, Toad, Otter, Badger and Ensemble

The Wind in the Willows 7

ACT I SCENE 1: Spring (Mole's house—dark and lowly.) (MOLE is dusting, grumbling under her breath. She stops.)

MOLE: (Sneezes:) I'm so tired of living underground. It's so dark and there's nothing but dust! (Sneezes again, looks up:) I wonder what's up there in the big world? (Sniffs:) It smells good. (Thinking, she thrusts the duster under her nose, holding it as if it were a bouquet:)

SONG: A New World

MOLE: I'VE HEARD THERE'S A WORLD JUST UP THERE A WORLD I'VE NEVER BEEN A DIFFERENT WORLD, THAT'S FULL OF LIGHT AND AIR THAT'S FRESH AND CLEAN. THERE ARE MEADOWS FULL OF WILLOWS WITH A RIVER RUNNING THROUGH. THE WIND IS IN THE WILLOWS AND THE SKY IS ALWAYS BLUE. I WANT TO GO UP AND SEE IT CLIMB OUT OF MY DUSTY LAIR. AN ADVENTURER BE, ALL WILD AND FREE, BUT WAIT LET ME THINK DO I DARE? I'M TINY AND WEAR BIG GLASSES I'M TIMID AND NOT VERY STRONG WHAT IF THE WORLD'S TOO BIG AND SCARY WHAT IF I DO THINGS WRONG?

(Speaks:) What if nobody likes me?

(Sings:) I KNOW THERE'S A WORLD JUST UP THERE

A WORLD I'VE NEVER SEEN WHERE BIRDS ARE ALWAYS SINGING AND THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREEN. THERE ARE MEADOWS FULL OF WILLOWS WITH A RIVER RUNNING THROUGH. THE WIND IS IN THE WILLOWS AND THE SKY IS ALWAYS BLUE.

(Sneezes, then:) That's my last sneeze. I'll be alright. If my glasses don't fall off. (She sneezes and her glasses fall off.)

SCENE 2: Above Ground (Spring. A meadow full of willow trees.) (The lights are warm and bright, perfect for a beautiful spring day.)

SCENE CHANGE MUSIC: Spring, Beautiful Spring by Paul Lincke

(The SPIRIT OF THE SEASONS cartwheels in, dressed as Spring. She changes the willow by adding fresh leaves, then dances off.) (MUSIC OUT.) (A family of picnickers, MOTHER and ANNIE HEDGEHOG, her daughter, enter with a picnic basket and a checkered tablecloth.)

MOTHER HEDGEHOG: Help me put the food out, Annie.

ANNIE HEDGEHOG: I'd just love to. This is such fun. (They begin to take food out of a picnic basket. FATHER HEDGEHOG and ARTHUR, their son, enter.)

FATHER HEDGEHOG: You'd better have a good time, or else.

ARTHUR HEDGEHOG: I'm not going to.

ANNIE HEDGEHOG: Yummy, Mummy. Cold ham and sweet pickles. My favorites.

ARTHUR HEDGEHOG: Me first, me first.

ANNIE HEDGEHOG: You always get to be first.

ARTHUR HEDGEHOG: Do not.

ANNIE HEDGEHOG: Do too.

FATHER HEDGEHOG: You've outdone yourself, Mother. (Suddenly, Mole appears, climbing out of her underground home.)

MOLE: Hello!

MOTHER HEDGEHOG: EEEEK!

FATHER HEDGEHOG: What the deuce? (Mole comes forward, blinded by the light. She shades her eyes.)

MOLE: Oh, that sun is very bright, isn't it?

ANNIE HEDGEHOG: Ewww. It's a Mole!

MOTHER HEDGEHOG: What are you doing here?

MOLE: I just came up to see the world. (Rushing forward:) I'm very pleased to meet you. (She steps on the cloth and knocks over a bottle.)

FATHER HEDGEHOG: Look out! Look out!

MOTHER HEDGEHOG: You've spilled the ginger beer!

MOLE: Oh, I can't quite see yet. Sorry, sorry. (She moves again and steps on a pie.)

ARTHUR HEDGEHOG: You've stepped in the potted meat!

MOLE: Whoops. I didn't see... (She steps on another plate:) Oops.

ANNIE HEDGEHOG: And you've put your feet in the ham sandwiches!

FATHER HEDGEHOG: That's it! Pack up, Mother. (They gather up their belongings. Mole tries to help and Mother Hedgehog grabs the picnic cloth from Mole.)

MOLE: I'm terribly sorry. © Diane Grant and Michael Reilly This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. The Wind in the Willows 11

ARTHUR: Four eyes, four eyes.

FATHER HEDGEHOG: Come along, everybody. (Exiting, to Mole:) You…interloper! (They exit. Arthur immediately reappears and gives Mole a raspberry. Exits.)

MOLE: That wasn't a very good start. (Looks at her feet:) Blecccch! (The Spirit of the Seasons appears with a butterfly on a fishing line. She drops the line in front of Mole's face. Mole is enchanted.)

Hullo! Aren't you beautiful! (Mole exits, following the butterfly. WILHEMINA [WILLY] WEASEL, followed by ERICA and HARRIET WEASEL, the weasel twins, appears from behind trees and enters. Willy is a punk. Erica and Harriet, her toadies, are just like her.)

WILLY: Did I see a Mole!?

ERICA: (Sniggers:) What's a Mole doing up here?

HARRIET: That's unnatural. (Willy peers into the ground, looking into Mole's house.)

WILLY: I know why she left. Her place is a dump. (Erica picks up a rock and holds it above the hole.)

ERICA: (Sniggers:) Why don't we help her fix it up? (She drops the rock into the hole. SFX: The rock hits something hard. Harriet grabs another one and throws it in. SFX: Boink. General laughter.)

HARRIET: Look at this rock. It's enormous. (She plops it into the hole:) There she goes.

(SFX: A rock hitting something.)

Boink.

ERICA: Boy, I think you broke something.

HARRIET: (Amused:) Oh, no!

WILLY: Gimme a rock. (Harriet passes her a rock and she throws it into the hole. SFX: Rock hitting bottom. Willy jumps back.)

Boink! That's how it's done.

ERICA: Give me two rocks. (She throws two rocks down. SFX: two rocks hitting bottom. She jumps back.) Boink! Boink!

WILLY: Gimme the biggest rock. (She picks up a big rock.)

Help me. (They throw the rock into the hole. SFX: a Crash.)

ALL: (Jumping back:) Boink! Boink!

WILLY: If a thing's worth doing, it's worth doing well. (All three laugh and snigger. They put their hands together, then throw their arms in the air.)

ALL: W-E-A-S-E-L-S. Weasels!!! (They exit.) (Mole reenters, then stops, transfixed. SFX: The Riverbank. We can hear it, chuckling and gurgling.)

MOLE: How curious. What can it be? (RATTY, a water rat, enters.)

RATTY: It's a river.

MOLE: Hullo!

RATTY: I'm Ratty. I'm a water rat and a poet. (Points off:) That's my boat tied up over there.

MOLE: I'm Mole.

RATTY: That's a darling little fur coat.

MOLE: Thanks. I wear it all year round. So, that's a river.

RATTY: It's the river. (Points:) My house is over there. Just above the water line.

MOLE: You really live by this…river? What a jolly life!

RATTY: I'm writing a poem about it. (Takes a piece of paper from her pocket, reads:) "The river is brother and sister to me And aunts and uncles and company. It's food and drink and naturally, washing…" (Stops quoting, to Mole:) What rhymes with washing? Can you think of anything?

MOLE: (Shakes her head, looking off:) What's that big thing in the back of your boat?

RATTY: A lunch basket. I'm having lunch with the widow Badger.

MOLE: Badger?

RATTY: I've made her watercress sandwiches. They're her favorite. We've got... (Running the words together:) ...cold chicken, cold tongue, cold ham, cold beef, pickled gherkins, French rolls, of course, and lemonade soda.

MOLE: (Sniffing the air:) I can smell it from here. (Apologetically:) I forgot to eat lunch.

RATTY: When Badger gets here, we'll have a feast. (SFX: A splash. OTTER enters.)

OTTER: Did somebody say, "Lunch"?

RATTY: Otter!

OTTER: Did you hear? There's a mole above ground, scaring the children. She stomped all over a picnic and stole the ham sandwiches.

MOLE: I didn't steal anything!

OTTER: You're the mole? You don't look scary. In fact, you look kind of puny.

RATTY: Mole, this is my friend... (SFX. A May-fly buzzes past.)

OTTER: May-fly, may-fly! (Otter follows it and exits. SFX: A splash.)

RATTY: …That was my friend, Otter. (BADGER enters.)

And here is Badger! We were just talking about you.

BADGER: What's this about some upstart mole? (Belligerently:) Who's this!?

MOLE: I'm Mole. I'm really very nice and I'm glad to meet you. (Runs eagerly toward Badger and trips, falling into her:) Oh, sorry. Sorry.

BADGER: She barges in, uninvited. She's a thief and a bumblefoot, too! (Grunts:) I'm off. (She exits.)

MOLE: (Wails:) I'm not a thief! I'm just a…bumblefoot! I'm going home. (She runs to her burrow and looks in.)

Oh, no, my door's blocked with rocks.

RATTY: What's that? (Ratty joins her and looks in.)

They're really wedged in there. You'll never be able to open it.

MOLE: How could that happen? (Willy and Erica and Harriet enter.)

RATTY: I have an idea. (Erica and Harriet look down into the hole.)

ERICA: Look at that. You can't even see the doorknob. (Willy gives Ratty a card.)

RATTY: (Reading out loud:) Home Renovations! Reasonable Rates. WILHEMINA WEASEL, Contractor.

WILLY: You can call me Willy.

RATTY: All right, Willy, you rascal. Go back to the Wild Wood. (The three weasels snigger and walk off.)

MOLE: I can't go home now. What'll I do?

RATTY: Look here! I've an extra room in the riverbank. I can put you up.

MOLE: It's no trouble?

RATTY: None. You can stay as long as you like. We've got four seasons, up here, you know. Spring, summer, fall, and winter.

MOLE: (Teary eyed:) But nobody likes me up here. I'll never make friends.

RATTY: Silly Mole, you've made one friend, already.

MOLE: Who?

RATTY: Me.

MOLE: (Delighted, wiping her eyes:) Really? Oh, really? Oh, that's just…splendid.

RATTY: Let's get that picnic basket, shall we?

MOLE: (Exuberant again:) I'll take it out of the boat. (She runs off.)

RATTY: Be careful! Don't pull at it, Moley.

MOLE: (Off. Calling:) I've got it. I've got it.

RATTY: Watch out! You're going to tip over the boat.

MOLE: (Off. Calling:) Oh, no! Oh, no! Help! (SFX: A huge Splash.)

RATTY: Oh well, I wasn't really hungry, anyway. (Thinks:) This could be a long year. (Lights fade.)

SCENE CHANGE MUSIC: The Good Old Summertime

SCENE 3: We Meet Toad (Summer. Toad Hall. A warm summer light.) (The Spirit of the Seasons, with her basket, cartwheels in, dressed in summer clothes. She changes the tree with flowers, then dances off.) (Toad's servants enter, carrying two pillars. Two servants enter with a chair and tea table. Another follows and puts a tea set on the table. Toad enters through the pillars.)

MUSIC: In the Good Old Summertime

TOAD: THERE'S A TIME IN EACH YEAR THAT WE ALWAYS HOLD DEAR, GOOD OLD SUMMER TIME; WITH THE BIRDS AND THE TREESES AND SWEET SCENTED BREEZES, GOOD OLD SUMMER TIME, WHEN YOUR DAY'S WORK IS OVER THEN YOU ARE IN CLOVER, AND LIFE IS ONE BEAUTIFUL RHYME, NO TROUBLE ANNOYING, EACH ONE IS ENJOYING, THE GOOD OLD SUMMER TIME.

TOAD AND SERVANTS: IN THE GOOD OLD SUMMER TIME, IN THE GOOD OLD SUMMER TIME, STROLLING THRO' THE SHADY LANES, WITH YOUR BABY MINE; YOU HOLD HER HAND AND SHE HOLDS YOURS, AND THAT'S A VERY GOOD SIGN, THAT SHE'S YOUR TOOTSEY WOOTSEY, IN THE GOOD OLD SUMMER TIME.

TOAD: TO SWIM IN THE POOL, YOU'D PLAY "HOOKY"

FROM SCHOOL, GOOD OLD SUMMER TIME; YOU'D PLAY "RINGAROSIE" WITH JIM, KATE AND JOSIE, GOOD OLD SUMMER TIME THOSE DAYS FULL OF PLEASURE WE NOW FONDLY TREASURE, WHEN WE NEVER THOUGHT IT A CRIME, TO GO STEALING CHERRIES, WITH FACE BROWN AS BERRIES, GOOD OLD SUMMER TIME.

TOAD: Step lively there. It's a gorgeous summer day. Smell the roses. Smile. (Looks about:) Where's the map! Where's my map? Do I have to do everything myself? (He exits. Ratty and Mole enter.)

RATTY: Toady's full of himself but he's got a heart of gold.

MOLE: I can't wait to meet him. (Toad enters, carrying a large map.)

TOAD: Ratty! This is splendid! (Spotting Mole:) Who is this?

RATTY: This is my friend, Mole. She's learning about the world up here.

TOAD: Excellent! Another adventurer!

MOLE: What a delightful house.

TOAD: Finest house on the whole river, or anywhere else in the world for that matter. (Ratty nudges Mole, who smothers a giggle.)

Now, look here. You've got to help me.

RATTY: It's about your rowing, I suppose. You still splash a lot.

TOAD: Pooh! Boating! I've discovered the only genuine occupation for a lifetime.

RATTY: (Suddenly suspicious:) What is the map for, Toady?

TOAD: Aha. Perspicacious, as usual, Ratty. (Calling:) Where is the cart?

RATTY: The cart!?

TOAD: The very finest cart that was ever built. (The servants pull in a gypsy caravan.)

There you are. Now, here's something thrilling to learn about. The real life!

MOLE: The real life?

TOAD: The open road! Have a peek inside.

MOLE: How tremendously exciting. (She puts her head inside the door of the caravan. Ratty snorts and thrust her hands deep into her pockets.)

TOAD: When we start out this afternoon, we'll have everything we need.

RATTY: Did you say something about we and start and this afternoon?

TOAD: Now, don't argue—it's the one thing I can't stand.

RATTY: I'm not going anywhere in a cart and that's flat.

TOAD: Let's show Mole more of the world.

RATTY: I'm going to stick to my old river. And what's more, Mole's going to do the same. (Mole sticks her head out of the cart.)

MOLE: You should see the feast in here, Ratty. There are biscuits, potted lobster, sardines, bacon and jam! When do we start?

TOAD: Oh, I like her. (To Ratty:) Talk about it while I order more tea. Stick in the mud. (Toad exits.)

MOLE: Did you hear that, Ratty. He likes me!

RATTY: Toad likes everybody.

MOLE: Oh!

RATTY: Except stick in the muds, it seems.

MOLE: Is something wrong, Ratty?

RATTY: No! (SFX: a faint warning hum like the drone of a distant bee, the Poop-Poop Poop-Poop of the car motor, the sound of a horn, OOGA OOGA.)

What's that?

MOLE: Good heavens. (Toad enters, running.)

TOAD: I say. Did you hear? (SFX: The motorcar sound grows louder. The servants enter, screaming.)

SERVANTS: Run! Run for your life! It's a tornado! It's a whirlwind!

MOLE: Oh, dear, oh dear, oh dear. (A motorcar goes across the stage causing Mole, Ratty, and Toad to leap back. The HORN sounds over and over. The car makes a sound like POOP, POOP-POOP. Offstage, the sound recedes.)

RATTY: You scoundrels! I'll have the law on you! I'll take you through all the courts!

TOAD: (Stares fixedly in the direction of the disappearing motorcar, legs stretched out in front of him, sitting in the middle of the stage:) What a glorious, stirring sight. (Imitating the sound of the car:) Poop-poop.

RATTY: Now, look here, Toad! You'll have to go straight to the police station and complain.

TOAD: Me complain! I'm done with carts forever. (The servants and Ratty look at each other and shrug.)

FIRST SERVANT: Here we go again. (Two servants take the cart off.)

MOLE: What are we going to do?

RATTY: Let's go home.

MOLE: But what about Toad? He looks very strange.

RATTY: Oh, bother Toad. He's got another craze and he's useless. (She starts off and Mole follows.)

And of course, he likes you, Moley. You're very likeable. (They exit. The disgruntled servants enter and clear the set, grumbling.)

SECOND SERVANT: Rowboats, carts, always something new. And the same old thing for us. Work, work…

SECOND AND THIRD SERVANT: Work. (Toad sits, legs stretched out in front of him, sitting in the middle of the stage.)

TOAD: Oh, bliss. O poop-poop! Poop-poop! A motorcar! That's the only way to travel! (Lights start down.) (Willy, Harriet and Erica enter.)

WILLY: Did I hear someone say, Motorcar? (Produces a card:) My card. (She hands the card to Toad.)

TOAD: (Reading:) Weasel Works. Motorcar Sales. WILHEMINA WEASEL. Proprietor. (Lights down.)

SCENE CHANGE MUSIC: The Grey and Chilly Days of Fall

SCENE FOUR: Ratty's Restless (Fall. The Riverbank. A colder light.) (SFX: Wind blowing, geese overhead, flying south. The Spirit of the Seasons cartwheels in and changes the tree. She dances off.) (MUSIC OUT.) (Ratty and Mole enter, wearing scarves and hats.)

MOLE: (Sniffing:) So this is what fall smells like. (Shivers:) Brrr.

RATTY: (With melancholy, dramatically:) These are the grey and chilly days of fall.

MOLE: Grey and chilly.

RATTY: (Looking up:) The geese are flying south. Goodbye, geese. (SFX: The geese call. Ratty sighs. She waves. DORA, a field mouse, enters, carrying a basket.)

DORA: Here's old Ratty and Mole! Come and lend a hand, Rat. Don't stand about idle!

RATTY: You're moving already? (Mole helps with the basket and she and Dora exit. DONALD, a field mouse, enters, carrying two baskets and a hatbox. They are heavy and he puts them down.)

DONALD: Winter's coming, Ratty. (He exits, carrying one of the baskets. Dora and Mole reenter.)

DORA: The best apartments get picked up so quickly nowadays.

RATTY: Don't go, Dora. We could have a picnic in the woods.

DORA: Not today. © Diane Grant and Michael Reilly This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. 24 Diane Grant and Michael Reilly

(She and Mole take the second basket by the handles and exit.)

Thank you, Mole. (Donald reenters, mopping his face with a bandana.)

DONALD: Why don't you sit down? In an hour or two, we might be free for a chat. (Ratty, snorting contemptuously, sits on a hatbox, and crushes it.)

Do you mind? (Ratty stands up. Donald takes the hatbox and exits.)

RATTY: If people would be more careful, they wouldn't put their hatboxes where people can sit on them. (Mole reenters.)

MOLE: You look quite upset, Ratty. Maybe you should sit down.

RATTY: I like standing. (Leaves begin to fall.)

MOLE: Are you all right, Ratty?

RATTY: I'm just a little bit sad.

SONG: The Grey and Chilly Days of Fall

RATTY: I'LL NEVER LEAVE MY HOME BY THE RIVERBANK THE RIVER IS EVERYTHING TO ME. MY MOTHER LIVED HERE AND HER MOTHER, TOO IT'S WHERE I WAS MEANT TO BE. BUT THE COLD WIND IS BLOWIN' AND EVERYONE'S A'GOIN' AND SOON THERE'LL BE NO ONE AT ALL.

I'M A LITTLE BIT SAD A LITTLE BIT SAD AND RESTLESS… IN THE GREY AND CHILLY DAYS OF FALL THE GREY AND CHILLY DAYS OF FALL. I LOVE TO FEEL THE SUN IN THE SUMMERTIME THE RIVER IS SPARKLING AND CLEAR IT'S ALWAYS SUCH FUN IN THE SUMMERTIME WHEN ALL OF MY FRIENDS ARE HERE

MOLE AND RATTY: BUT THE COLD WIND IS BLOWIN' AND EVERYONE'S A'GOIN' AND SOON THERE'LL BE NO ONE AT ALL. (SHE'S) I'M A LITTLE BIT SAD A LITTLE BIT SAD AND RESTLESS… IN THE GREY AND CHILLY DAYS OF FALL THE GREY AND CHILLY DAYS OF FALL.

RATTY: You'll be leaving, too, I guess. Going on to new adventures.

MOLE: Well, if it's all right, I was rather hoping to spend Christmas here with you.

RATTY: You were?

MOLE: What's it like?

RATTY: (Sighs, still melancholy:) Some think it's rather jolly.

MOLE: How do you celebrate?

RATTY: You put up a Christmas tree and string it with lights.

MOLE: What else?

RATTY: You give presents and you get some. And you visit. There's singing and then there's Christmas dinner…

MOLE: Dinner? (SFX: a Splash. Otter enters.)

OTTER: Did someone say, "Dinner"?

MOLE: Christmas dinner, Otter.

OTTER: Mmmmm. My favorite topic. Chestnuts, stuffing with sage…currant cake… I'm so glad I found you. I was feeling a bit mopey.

RATTY: Mopey? On such a lovely day?

OTTER: I know it's silly, but the water is freezing and it takes so long for my fur to dry and everybody seems to be hiding away. I LOVE TO TAKE A SWIM IN THE SUMMERTIME THE RIVER IS SPARKLING AND CLEAR IT'S ALWAYS SUCH FUN IN THE SUMMERTIME WHEN ALL OF MY FRIENDS ARE HERE.

OTTER, MOLE AND RATTY: BUT THE COLD WIND IS BLOWIN' AND EVERYONE'S A'GOIN' AND SOON THERE'LL BE NO ONE AT ALL. WE'RE A LITTLE BIT SAD A LITTLE BIT SAD AND RESTLESS… IN THE GREY AND CHILLY DAYS OF FALL THE GREY AND CHILLY DAYS OF FALL... SO COLD.

OTTER: Oh, did you hear the news? Everybody's talking about it. Toad's going into the Wild Wood. He says he's going to buy a large, new motorcar. (Lights down.)

SCENE CHANGE MUSIC: The Grey and Chilly Days of Fall

(Mole, Ratty and Otter exit.)

SCENE 5: Toad Buys a Motorcar (Fall. The Edge of the Wild Wood.) (An Arthur Rackham tree, filled with autumn leaves, enters. It sits in place and the arms of weasels, stoats and ferrets appear.) (Toad enters. SFX: A crow caws. He jumps.)

TOAD: Oh, Toad, you are lost at the edge of the Wild Wood. What makes you think you could find a motorcar here? (He pulls out Willy's card and looks at it. Harriet Weasel appears and hangs a sign on the tree. A large arrow says THIS WAY TO THE MOTORCARS. Toad's spirits lift.)

Ho, ho, I am on the right road. What a clever toad I am! (We hear a snigger from behind the tree. Toad follows the arrow.)

Soon, I'll be Toad the Terror, King of the Road. (Willy enters.)

WILLY: Hullo. Who's this?

TOAD: Miss Weasel? Of Weasel Works?

WILLY: Have we met?

TOAD: I'm Toad.

WILLY: Toad, Toad, Toad you say?

TOAD: You gave me your card. (Hands it to Willy:) I'm here to purchase a motorcar.

WILLY: Oh, you're looking for a motorcar.

TOAD: You do sell motorcars?

WILLY: (Looking at the card:) We do, sir, but we do not sell to just anybody.

TOAD: I would have you know that I am a very well-known, distinguished toad!

HARRIET: Many are distinguished but few can afford to buy.

ERICA: Can you afford a motorcar, Mr…um…Toad?

TOAD: Have you not heard of Toad Hall? The finest mansion in these parts, dating from the fourteenth century but with every modern convenience and up-to-date sanitation?

WILLY: It sounds impressive, Mr. Toad. It's on the riverbank?

TOAD: It is.

ERICA: (Makes a note on a pad:) Such a grand house must be well-fortified.

TOAD: Indeed, not. I'm a gentleman and my door is always open.

HARRIET: Well, sir, gentlemen is what we deals with.

WILLY: (Calling:) Bring in the motorcar. (SFX: the motorcar with the horn OOGA, OOGA. The motorcar enters. The driver gets out and gives Toad her goggles, then exits.)

You'll be needing those. (Toad puts the goggles on.)

HARRIET: You look a born driver, sir.

WILLY: Would you like to kick the tires? (Toad demurs, then gives one a little kick. Willy dangles the keys.)

ERICA: Well, hop in.

HARRIET: See how she feels.

(Toad hesitates.)

TOAD: Hop?

WILLY: It's as easy as climbing on a horse. (Toad takes the keys and climbs into the car with a boost from Willy and Erica and Harriet.)

ERICA: How well he hops up there.

WILLY: Start the motor! (To Erica:) You dumb bunny. Turn the crank. (Erica turns the crank. SFX: Crank, the car starting.)

TOAD: Oh, joy! Oh, delight! Oh, motorcar! (The sound dies down.)

May I ask, Miss Weasel, what do you charge for such a glorious vehicle?

WILLY: The price is so ridiculously low, I must whisper it in your ear. (Willy whispers into Toad's ear. Toad clasps his heart.)

ERICA: And of course, you'll want to buy gas, too.

TOAD: How much is gas? (Erica whispers in his ear. Toad staggers again, almost faints.)

WILLY: Price is no object, Mr. Toad. Feel the wind in your face, see the wide world flying by.

TOAD: It must go 70 miles an hour. I'll take it!!! (He takes money from his waistcoat and gives it to Willy. Harriet and Erica turn the crank again.)

WILLY: Drive on! Soon, you'll be doing 17.

(Toad looks at her questioningly, accidentally puts the car in reverse, then drives off, exiting to cheers.)

HARRIET: Will it really go 17 miles an hour?

WILLY: If the engine doesn't fall out.

ERICA: Could it?

WILLY: It has before. In fact, something like that happened to my last sucker, I mean, customer.

SONG: He'd Have To Get Under, Get Out and Get Under

WILLY: JOHNNY O'CONNOR BOUGHT AN AUTOMOBILE HE TOOK HIS SWEETHEART FOR A RIDE ONE SUNDAY JOHNNY WAS DRESSED UP IN HIS BEST SUNDAY CLOTHES SHE NESTLED CLOSE TO HIS SIDE. THIS WENT JUST DANDY 'TIL HE GOT DOWN THE ROAD THEN SOMETHING HAPPENED TO THE OLD MACHINERY THAT ENGINE GOT HIS GOAT OFF WENT HIS HAT AND COAT EVERYTHING NEEDED REPAIRS.

WILLY, HARRIET AND ERICA: HE'D HAVE TO GET UNDER, GET AND OUT AND GET UNDER TO FIX HIS LITTLE MACHINE. HE WAS JUST DYING TO CUDDLE HIS QUEEN BUT EV'RY MINUTE WHEN HE'D BEGIN IT, HE'D HAVE TO GET UNDER, GET OUT AND GET UNDER THEN HE'D GET BACK AT THE WHEEL A DOZEN TIMES THEY'D START TO HUG AND KISS AND THEN THE DARNED OLD ENGINE IT WOULD MISS

AND THEN HE'D HAVE TO GET UNDER, GET OUT AND GET UNDER, AND FIX UP HIS AUTOMOBILE. (They dance.)

SCENE CHANGE MUSIC: We Wish You A Merry Christmas

SCENE 6: Christmas is Coming (Winter. The Riverbank.) (SFX: the River, cold and clear) (The Spirit of the Seasons, dressed in winter clothes, cartwheels in and adds snow to the tree, then dances off.) (MUSIC OUT.) (Ratty and Mole, wearing scarves, mittens, earmuffs, and caps enter.)

RATTY: Listen to the river. It's running too fast for boats, today. (Mole sniffs the air.)

Snow's coming.

MOLE: My first Christmas in the big world! Let's make a jolly log fire in the hearth.

RATTY: And put out some sardines and perhaps some captain's biscuits.

MOLE: Then, we'll string the tree! (Ratty yawns.)

RATTY: Could we do that tomorrow?

MOLE: We could start tonight, couldn't we? And finish tomorrow?

RATTY: Moley, I'm ready to drop. Sleepy is simply not the word.

MOLE: You've been asleep two or three times since supper.

RATTY: It is the off season, Mole. No animal is expected to do anything in the winter.

(Offstage, we hear CHILDREN CHATTERING and LAUGHING.)

Who's that?

MOLE: It's the field mice! They're back for Christmas! (The CHILDREN'S CHORUS enters. It is made up of field mice and Annie and Arthur Hedgehog.)

DORA: (Holding a lantern:) Stay together, stay together.

RATTY: Merry Christmas, everybody.

DONALD: Where's young Arthur? Here, come on, we're waiting. (Arthur reluctantly joins the end of the row. Mole looks closely at Arthur.)

MOLE: Have we met before? (Arthur giggles, then coughs.)

DONALD: Sssshhh. One, two, three...

SONG: O Christmas Tree

CHILDREN'S CHORUS: O CHRISTMAS TREE! O CHRISTMAS TREE! THY LEAVES ARE SO UNCHANGING. O CHRISTMAS TREE! O CHRISTMAS TREE! THY LEAVES ARE SO UNCHANGING. NOT ONLY GREEN WHEN SUMMER'S HERE, BUT ALSO WHEN IT'S COLD AND DREAR. O CHRISTMAS TREE! O CHRISTMAS TREE! THY LEAVES ARE SO UNCHANGING.

RATTY: Come in, and get warm.

DORA: I thank you, Ratty, but it's getting dark and we have many more calls to make. © Diane Grant and Michael Reilly This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. The Wind in the Willows 35

(Arthur groans.)

DONALD: One, two, three. (The chorus exits, singing the last verse of "O Christmas Tree." Mole brushes away a tear.)

CHILDREN'S CHORUS, RATTY AND MOLE: O CHRISTMAS TREE! O CHRISTMAS TREE! MUCH PLEASURE THOU CAN'ST GIVE ME. O CHRISTMAS TREE! O CHRISTMAS TREE! MUCH PLEASURE THOU CAN'ST GIVE ME. HOW OFTEN HAS THE CHRISTMAS TREE AFFORDED ME THE GREATEST GLEE! O CHRISTMAS TREE! O CHRISTMAS TREE! MUCH PLEASURE THOU CAN'ST GIVE ME. (Arthur reenters and gives Mole a raspberry. Exits. Ratty yawns.)

RATTY: I'm simply dead beat and that's a fact. (She exits. SFX: a Splash)

OTTER: Whew. That water's freezing!

MOLE: Hullo, Otter.

OTTER: Did you hear about Toad? He's smashed his latest motorcar!

MOLE: His latest?

OTTER: This is the seventh. He's been in the hospital...

MOLE: …the hospital!

OTTER: …three times.

MOLE: We must do something. He'll get himself killed!

OTTER: If anybody can stop him, Badger can, but I don't think she knows. © Diane Grant and Michael Reilly This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. 36 Diane Grant and Michael Reilly

MOLE: I'll go and tell her.

OTTER: Badger lives in the Wild Wood. You can't go there alone. Let's see what Ratty says. (She exits.)

MOLE: (Calling:) Don't bother her, Otter. There's no time to waste. (She exits. Otter enters.)

OTTER: (Alarmed, calling:) Mole! Mole! (Lights down.)

SCENE CHANGE MUSIC: O Christmas Tree, in a minor key

SCENE 7: Mole and Otter Look for Badger (Winter. The Wild Wood. Lights are dim and eerie. Night is falling.) (SFX: the moaning of the wind) (Arthur Rackham trees, twisted and dark, fill the stage.) (MUSIC OUT.) (Mole enters. An OWL CALLS, followed by a CACKLE.)

MOLE: Don't start imagining things! There's nothing to see. (Mole looks about, trying to determine which way to go, singing to keep up her spirits. FERRETS and STOATS peer at her from around a tree.)

O CHRISTMAS TREE, O CHRISTMAS TREE… (A stoat runs past.)

I did see that. (A stoat whistles, a ferret hoots and caws.)

It's only the leaves falling. (A stoat taps her on the shoulder, a ferret taps her on the other shoulder.)

Hullo! Hullo? Who's there? (A ferret runs past. Mole whirls about.)

EEEEK! What was that?

STOAT: Get out of here, you fool, get out. (Another ferret jumps out at her.)

FERRET: Boo!

MOLE: I'll never get out of here. Help!!!

(The ferret chases her. She runs away and trips.)

Oh, my leg! (She crawls behind a tree. Ratty and Otter enter.)

RATTY: Moly, Moly, Moly! Where are you? It's me—it's Ratty! (There is a FEEBLE CRY in the distance. Otter moves toward it, looks down and sees Mole's glasses, picks them up.)

OTTER: Mooooooly! (Mole's frightened face appears around the tree.)

MOLE: (Shivering:) Ratty. Otter. Is it really you?

OTTER: O Mole, you donkey. (She gives Mole her glasses.)

RATTY: Otter told me where you were going. (Mole puts on her glasses.)

MOLE: I've been so frightened!

RATTY: Let's have a look at that leg. You've cut your shin, sure enough. Wait until I get my handkerchief, I'll tie it up for you. (Looks down:) What did you fall over?

MOLE: (Picks up a sign:) This. It must have fallen off the tree. (Otter reads it and does a little jig.)

OTTER: Hooray! Hooray-oo-ray-oo-ray-ray! It's a door sign. Look!

MOLE: (Reads, then shouts:) BADGER'S PLACE!!!

ALL: We're safe. It's Badger's place! (Badger enters, calling.)

BADGER: Who is it, disturbing people at night? The very next time it happens, I shall be very angry.

RATTY: Badger, it's me, Ratty, and my friends, Mole and Otter.

BADGER: What? Ratty?

RATTY: And Mole, and Otter. We are so happy to see you!

BADGER: This is not the sort of night for small animals to be out. And in the Wild Wood, too.

RATTY: We lost our way.

BADGER: (Smiling, to Mole:) It's the bumble foot.

MOLE: Yes, ma'am.

BADGER: I know now you are not a thief, Mole, and I'm sorry I called you one.

OTTER: (Sniffing:) I smell snow. Can you?

MOLE: What?

RATTY: I can!

SONG: It's Wintertime

RATTY: I CAN SMELL IT. I CAN FEEL IT. SOON IT'S GOING TO SNOW.

MOLE: OUR EARS ARE COLD. OUR NOSES ARE RED. OUR CHEEKS HAVE A ROSY GLOW.

OTTER: IT'S WINTERTIME, IT'S WINTERTIME AND SOON IT'S GOING TO SNOW. IT'S WINTERTIME, IT'S WINTERTIME AND SOON IT'S GOING TO SNOW.

BADGER: MY EARS JUST FROZE SO DID MY NOSE AND NOW I CAN'T FEEL MY TOES.

RATTY, MOLE, OTTER AND BADGER: STOMP YOUR FEET, WAVE YOUR ARMS, LET'S SHOUT, "HO, HO, HO!" IT'S WINTERTIME, IT'S WINTERTIME AND SOON IT'S GOING TO SNOW. IT'S WINTERTIME, IT'S WINTERTIME AND SOON IT'S GOING TO SNOW.

ALL, STOATS, FERRETS, WEASELS: STOMP, STOMP, STOMP CLAP, CLAP, CLAP HO, HO, HO, AND AWAY WE GO! STOMP, STOMP, STOMP CLAP, CLAP, CLAP HO, HO, HO, AND AWAY WE GO! STOMP, STOMP, STOMP CLAP, CLAP, CLAP HO, HO, HO, AND AWAY WE GO!

SOON IT'S GOING TO, SOON IT'S GOING TO SOON IT'S GOING TO SNOW. SOON IT'S GOING TO SNOW...HO!

MOLE: (Looking up:) It's snowing! (End of Act I.)

ACT II SCENE 1: Mole and Badger Become Friends (Winter. Badger's House. A comfortable chair, a table with a plate of biscuits and a music box, and bench. Upstage, against the back wall is a series of arches that lead to the underground tunnels.) (SFX: Bolts being thrown back and locks unlocked. Badger opens her door and enters.)

BADGER: Come in at once. (Ratty and Mole and Otter enter, breathless and shivering. Badger closes the door. SFX: Bolts are reset and locks locked.)

RATTY: Oh, it's so nice and warm.

OTTER: And cozy. (Ratty sits in a chair, half asleep.)

MOLE: Your place feels so comfortable.

BADGER: Underground—that's my idea of home.

MOLE: (Timidly:) I lived underground, too.

BADGER: Splendid.

MOLE: My place wasn't like this. It was dark and lowly.

BADGER: Never be ashamed of who you are or where you live, young lady.

MOLE: Yes, ma'am.

OTTER: Where do you swim?

BADGER: I don't, you silly thing.

OTTER: I'd really miss swimming. (Ratty takes a biscuit.)

BADGER: Do help yourself, Ratty.

RATTY: (Mouthful:) Thank you. (She takes another biscuit hungrily, shakes herself awake, then falls asleep.)

OTTER: (Whispering:) We're here about Toad.

BADGER: Toad!??? (Ratty wakes up.)

RATTY: (Waking up:) Toad! I completely forgot about him.

BADGER: What's happened with Toad?

OTTER: He's gone from bad to worse.

RATTY: He's squandering all the money his father left him.

MOLE: He smashes motorcars.

OTTER: And he's giving animals a bad name in the district.

BADGER: Oh, miserable Toad.

MOLE: Can you do something to help him?

BADGER: I will take him seriously in hand. We'll just take a little nap until the morning… (Looks at her pocket watch:) …of March the twenty-first.

MOLE: But can it wait that long?

RATTY: He's smashed so many cars, he's not allowed to drive anymore.

BADGER: There you go, dear friend. What harm can he do when he's walking? (Ratty starts to drift off to sleep.)

MOLE: (Whispering:) I'm so glad we're friends, Badger. I thought after the first time we met, when I turned up © Diane Grant and Michael Reilly This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. The Wind in the Willows 43 uninvited like that…

BADGER: You turned up uninvited tonight, too. (They laugh and Ratty wakes up.)

It's time we all went to sleep.

MOLE: But… (Badger puts a finger to her lips.)

SONG: Please Go Way and Let Me Sleep

BADGER: WHEN I'M SLEEPING NOTHING EVER GIVES ME A CARE TROUBLES NEVER TROUBLE ME IT SEEMS. WHEN I SLEEP, I'M HAPPY AS A MILLIONAIRE EVERY DAY I HAVE SUCH LOVELY DREAMS I DON'T MIND THE ICY BLAST OR WINTER STORM WHEN I TURN IN BED, I FEEL THE SPRING ALARM CLOCKS ACT ON ME JUST LIKE A DOSE OF CHLOROFORM WHEN YOU TRY TO WAKE ME UP, I SING PLEASE GO WAY AND LET ME SLEEP DON'T DISTURB MY SLUMBER DEEP I WOULD RATHER SLEEP THAN EAT FOR SLEEP TO ME IS SUCH A TREAT, TREAT, TREAT I ALWAYS HAVE A DREAM SO NICE THOUGHT I WAS IN PARADISE DON'T BOTHER ME, I'VE COUNTED SHEEP JUST PLEASE LET ME SLEEP.

BADGER AND RATTY: NOTHING COULD BE BETTER THAN SLEEP FOR US TOO DREAMING IS THE BEST THING THAT WE DO. IF YOU HOLLER, "WAKE UP, QUICK, AND GET OUT OF HERE

HURRY UP, THE PLACE IS BURNING DOWN." WE'LL HATE TO BE DISTURBED AGAIN AND BEGIN TO SHOUT STOP THAT NOISE OUT THERE, FOR GOODNESS SAKE WE CAN'T WATCH A FIRE NOW, SO YOU CAN PUT IT OUT BURN YOUR SILLY OLD PLACE WHEN WE'RE AWAKE

BADGER, RATTY, OTTER AND MOLE: OH, PLEASE GO WAY AND LET US SLEEP DON'T DISTURB OUR SLUMBER DEEP WE WOULD RATHER SLEEP THAN EAT FOR SLEEP TO US IS SUCH A TREAT, TREAT, TREAT WE NEVER HAD A DREAM AS NICE THOUGHT WE WERE IN PARADISE DON'T BOTHER US, WE'VE COUNTED SHEEP JUST PLEASE LET US JUST PLEASE LET US PLEASE LET US SLEEP. (Lights down.)

SCENE CHANGE MUSIC: Spring, Beautiful Spring (reprised)

SCENE 2: Toad Steals a Motorcar (The beginning of spring. The Town.) (The Spirit of the Seasons cartwheels on, and changes the tree to Spring, then cartwheels off.) (FLOWER SELLERS, HAT SELLERS, EGG VENDORS enter, carrying their wares.)

FLOWER SELLER: (Entering:) Crocuses, primroses, daffodils.

HAT SELLER: (Entering:) Hats, caps, berets. Hats, caps, berets.

EGG SELLER: (Entering:) Fresh eggs. Fresh eggs.

FLOWER SELLER: Crocuses, primroses, daffodils.

HAT SELLER: Hats, caps, berets. Hats, caps, berets.

EGG SELLER: Fresh eggs. Fresh eggs. (Toad enters, followed by a servant who is almost overwhelmed by the burden of Toad's purchases. Toad buys a hat.)

TOAD: The very thing. A handsome hat for a handsome Toad. (He gives the seller some money, puts the hat on.)

It's an excellent day for walking. I shall walk from now on.

SERVANT: (Staggering:) Yes, sir.

TOAD: Enjoy the ground beneath your feet! It's spring. (Sniffs:) Aaah, such delicious and exciting smells. It's time to sit. (He sits at the table and calls:)

Waiter! (WAITER appears, with her notebook.)

Some cold beef and pickles, I think, and a generous slice of steak and kidney pie.

WAITER: Very good, sir. (She exits. SFX: the distinct sounds of a motorcar in motion.)

TOAD: (Suddenly alert:) Poop-poop. (A motorcar enters and stops. THE DRIVER and a PRETTY GIRL get out.)

GERTIE: I do love to motor, Dickie.

DICKIE: And I do, too, Gertie. (They leave the car and approach the flower seller. Toad, in a trance, goes over to the car.)

SERVANT: Sir!

TOAD: They're can't be any harm in just looking at it! (He walks around the car.)

SERVANT: I wouldn't, sir!

TOAD: I wonder if this sort of car starts easily? (Suddenly, overcome, Toad cranks the car up. SFX: the crank, then the motor starting up.)

Smart piece of work that. (He leaps into the driver's seat. SFX: OOGA, OOGA.)

I'm Toad once more, King of the Road! (He drives off. The servant follows him off, shouting.)

SERVANT: Sir, sir. Stop! Stop!

DICKIE: Stop thief!

GERTIE: Police!!

TOWNSPERSON: Oh, no. Help!!!

TOWNSPERSON: It's a disgrace!!! (Everyone follows him off.) (Lights down.)

SCENE CHANGE MUSIC: The British Grenadiers

SCENE 3: Toad's Trial (IN BLACK, SFX: the horn OOGA, OOGA, crowd sounds, a police whistle, and then a CRASH.) (Lights up. The Courthouse.) (MUSIC OUT.) (The CLERK, and the MEMBERS OF THE JURY enter and sit. In the center, the MAGISTRATE stands, wearing a wig and a black robe. Toad, with his LAWYER, in robes and with volumes of paper, enters and sit.) (A GUARD stands behind the dejected and terrified Toad. The jury murmurs in scandalized tones until the Judge strikes the desk with the gavel, three times.)

JUROR #1: What has he done, this terrible rogue?

MAGISTRATE: Let me see: he has been found guilty first of stealing a valuable motorcar.

JUROR #2: Dreadful.

MAGISTRATE: Secondly, of driving to the public danger.

JUROR #3: Reckless.

MAGISTRATE: And thirdly, of being cheeky to the rural police.

JUROR #1: No, no, no, no! He is a terrible rogue.

JUROR #2: To be sure.

JURORS (ALL): We agree.

MAGISTRATE: Mr. Clerk, will you tell us, please, what is the very stiffest penalty we can impose without, of course, giving the prisoner any benefit of the doubt. (Toad's lawyer jumps up.)

TOAD'S LAWYER: Objection!

MAGISTRATE: Overruled. Sit down. (Toad's lawyer sits down.)

CLERK: (Scratching nose with large quill pen with a peacock feather:) Twelve months for the theft, which is mild; three years for the reckless driving, which is lenient; and fifteen years for cheeking a policeman. Those figures if added together correctly, total nineteen years.

MAGISTRATE: First rate!

CLERK: So, you better make it a round twenty years to be on the safe side.

MAGISTRATE: Excellent suggestion.

TOAD'S LAWYER: (Jumps up:) Objection!

MAGISTRATE: Overruled. Sit down. (To Toad:) Prisoner! It's going to be twenty years for you this time and if you ever appear before us again, we shall have to deal with you very seriously.

JUROR #3: Very seriously, very seriously, indeed.

MAGISTRATE: Now, take him away, men. (Toad's lawyer shakes his hand.)

Lock this criminal toad in the remotest dungeon in the best guarded prison in the stoutest castle in all the length and breadth of Merry England. (The guard takes Toad and puts his hands behind his back.)

TOAD: May I say a word?

EVERYBODY: No!

(Toad is led off. The magistrate, clerk and jury exit. SFX: Offstage, a CLANG as a dungeon door shuts.) (Willy, Harriet and Erica enter. Willy is full of insincere sympathy.)

WILLY: Poor reckless Toad. He's done for this time!

HARRIET: (Aping Willy:) Poor miserable Toad. Gone to the hoosegow.

ERICA: (Aping Willy:) For decades!

WILLY: Leaving that magnificent Toad Hall, unmanned and…

WILLY AND HARRIET AND ERICA: …unfortified! (They snigger. Harriet inspects the table and chairs.)

HARRIET: Can we steal these?

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