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The Wind in the Willows

By Mike Kenny

From the Story by Kenneth Grahame

The Wind in the Willows was originally produced by York Theatre Royal, UK, in 2010.

The license issued in connection with PYA perusal scripts is a limited license, and is issued for the sole purpose of reviewing the script for a potential future performance. All other rights regarding perusal scripts are expressly reserved by Plays for Young Audiences, including, but not limited to, the rights to distribute, perform, copy or alter scripts. This limited license does not convey any performance rights of any kind with this material. By accepting any perusal script(s), Licensee agrees to and is bound by these terms.

Characters (originally performed with 8 actors, doubling) Weasel Mole Badger Ratty Toad Rabbit Otter Horse Hedgehog 1 Hedgehog 2 Chief Weasel Judge Clerk Gaoler’s Daughter Washer woman Guard Driver Bargee

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THE SETTING IS TOAD HALL, MANY YEARS AFTER THE EVENTS OF THE BOOK. NATURE HAS BEGUN TO TAKE IT OVER. IT’S OVERGROWN AND NEGLECTED. HOWEVER IT HAS EVERYTHING WE NEED FOR THE RETELLING OF THE STORY. AN OLD SETTEE BECOMES A CAR, A WARDROBE (ON ITS SIDE) A BARGE, A HOSTESS TROLLEY IS A BOAT AND A WHEELBARROW AND AN OCCASIONAL TABLE ARE TRANSFORMED INTO A CARAVAN. THE SPACE IS INHABITED WITH WILDWOODERS BEFORE MOLE TURNS UP. AND THEY JUST JOIN IN WITH THE TELLING. THERE IS NO MORE PRETENCE THAN THAT. THE NARRATION BEGINS WITH MOLE, BUT THE OTHER CHARACTERS JOIN IN WITH THE STORY TELLING AS THEY ARE INTRODUCED. THE START IN THE ORIGINAL PRODUCTION THE CHIEF WEASEL WAS AROUND WHEN THE AUDIENCE ARRIVE, BEHAVING AS AN ESTATE AGENT. HE WAS ACCOMPANIED BY A BROOD OF CHILD WEASELS WHO HAD A TENDENCY TO STEAL HANDBAGS (AND OF COURSE BE FORCED TO GIVE THEM BACK.) WHEN THE AUDIENCE IS ASSEMBLED, HE BEGINS. WEASEL Welcome ladies and gentlemen. I’d like to show you this well presented property. I think you’d agree that internal viewing is

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essential. A perfect example of early Edwardian architecture, in need of some modernization. Originally residential, but prime for development. THERE IS A BURROWING AND MOLE EMERGES FROM THE GROUND. I can assure you the foundations are quite sound. No problem with dry rot. MOLE SNIFFS A LITTLE. MOLE Where am I now? PEERS. Not home that’s for sure. KEEPS ON SNIFFING. SHOUTS DOWN TO THE OTHERS WHO WE CANNOT YET SEE. Wait a minute. Now where am I...? TO CHIEF WEASEL Oi. Who are you? WEASEL I’m from Wild Wooder Properties, Inc. Push off. MOLE A Wild Wooder? SEES THE AUDIENCE. Oh my good gracious. What a lot of you? DOWN. It’s a Wild Wooder. I’m stuck. Go round. Is this the Wild Wood, then? I suppose it must be, but... That smell. I know that smell. From way back. BADGER (ENTERS) It doesn’t smell of home and earth and cozy. RATTY ENTERS. It doesn’t smell of damp and river. TOAD ENTERS. Let’s have a look. WEASEL Do you mind?

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TOAD No. You carry on. MOLE Wait a minute. Can’t see, can’t think, can’t find my way but my sense of smell is as good as it ever was. SNIFFS. I’m getting fun and food and laughs and craic. TOAD Toad Hall! We’re in Toad Hall. RATTY This is Toad Hall, isn’t it? WEASEL It was. You planning on making an offer? BADGER Old Toad Hall, so the Wild Wood got you in the end, eh? MOLE TO AUDIENCE Take a deep breath. Smell it. (HE BEGINS REVEALING STUFF FROM BEHIND GROWTH. MAYBE OTHER WILD WOODERS GATHER TO HEAR THE STORY.)That’s the smell of being young. BADGER This is where we saw you lot off the first time. WEASEL As if! TOAD We did! Right here. In the banqueting hall. WEASEL I’m phoning head office. Stay here. HE GOES. MOLE Toad Hall. TOAD This is where it all started. MOLE Not for me. Oh no. That was in my hole, my little home. HE BEGINS TO CREATE THE PICTURE. THE OTHERS JOIN IN. WE’RE ESTABLISHING STYLE HERE. THE REST OF THE CAST CREATE THE

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PHYSICAL ENVIRONMENT, THEY ALSO ESTABLISH THE EMOTIONAL ENVIRONMENT. IT’S ALMOST AS IF THEY BECOME ESSENCE OF MOLE TILL REQUIRED TO BE SOMETHING ELSE. SPRING Spring! I’d been working very hard all morning, spring cleaning my little home. With brooms and dusters. On ladders and steps and chairs. With a brush and a pail of whitewash. Dust and paint was everywhere. All morning with aching back and weary arms and then it caught me. Spring (HE SMELLS IT.) Something – life - was moving up above And it filled me – with longing. HE FLINGS HIS BRUSH AND BUCKET ON THE FLOOR. Bother! And blow! Hang spring cleaning! I’m sick of it! And I bolted. Out of the house. A WILDWOODER HOLDS OUT A COAT. Oh, I didn’t wait for that. AND A HAT

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Or that Something – life was calling me. So I scraped and scratched And scrabbled and scrooged And then I scrooged again And scrabbled and scratched And scraped. Up we go! Up we go! Until Until Out! Out in a big green meadow, under a blue blue sky, with a warm yellow sun shining down. Oh the joy of living! Oh the delight of spring! Without the cleaning. Run for the hedge. EVERYONE’S RUNNING. Run. Run. A RABBIT STEPS OUT MOLE COMES TO A HALT Rabbit! RABBIT Hold up!

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LOTS OF RABBITS MOLE Lots of rabbits! RABBIT Sixpence for the privilege of passing by the private road. MOLE SNIFFS. RABBITS SNIFF MOLE Smell that? THEY ALL SNIFF. Life. That’s life! It’s calling me. Calling me. And I’m coming. So, out of my way! HE BOWLS THEM OVER AMID MUCH CONFUSION AND COMPLAINING And I ran and ran Along the hedgerows Birds building Flowers budding Leaves thrusting Everything growing Till I came at last to the banks of a full fed river. THE RIVER Never seen one before Never

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All ashake and ashiver Glints and gleams and sparkles, Rustle and swirl Chatter and bubble Bringing the best stories in the world From the heart of the earth To be told at last to the insatiable sea. MOLE, EXHAUSTED AT LAST SITS DOWN ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RIVER. RAT APPEARS. THEN DISAPPEARS. APPEARS AGAIN. THEY SUSS EACH OTHER OUT. RAT DISAPPEARS. APPEARS AGAIN RAT Hullo Mole. MOLE Hullo....erm? RAT Rat. Water rat. MOLE Of course. Hullo Rat. RAT Would you like to come over? MOLE How? RAT Boat? MOLE And Rat came to ferry me over. RAT In my little boat. Nice isn’t it? MOLE It was blue outside and white within RAT And just the size for two animals.

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MOLE What do I do now? RAT Step lively. Climb aboard. MOLE GETTING IN VERY CAREFULLY. Do you know, I’ve never been in a boat before in all my life? RAT What?! Never? What have you been doing, then? MOLE Is it that nice? RAT Nice? It’s the only thing. Believe me, there is nothing – absolutely nothing – half so much worth doing as messing, simply messing about in boats. Now, that basket under your feet. Open it. MOLE What’s in it? RAT Cold chicken, MOLE Mmmm. RAT And cold tongue cold ham cold beef pickled gherkin salad French rolls cress sandwiches potted meat ginger beer lemonade... MOLE Stop! Stop! It’s too much. RAT Do you think? MOLE Oh yes. RAT It’s just that the other animals call me mean. MOLE Mean? RAT They say I cut it fine. So I put in more. I like to have enough for unexpected guests. OTTER APPEARS WITH A FEW CHILDREN IN TOW.

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OTTER You greedy beggars. RAT Otter! You see what I mean, Mole. Otter! OTTER Why didn’t you invite me, Ratty? RAT It was just an impromptu affair. Off the cuff. You’re more than welcome. BADGER APPEARS. Oh look. Now here’s Badger. Hallo Badger, old chap, come on for dinner. BADGER LOOKS. Hmm. I see you’ve got company. RAT It’s only Mole, there’s plenty for all. BADGER Thanks all the same. BADGER LEAVES MOLE Oh dear. RAT Don’t worry dear fellow. That’s just the way he is. Hates society. That’s the last we’ll see of him today. OTTER And we must be off too. RAT So soon? OTTER Swimming lesson for young Portly here. Nice to meet you. Come along children. THEY LEAVE. MOLE Goodness me. How hectic it is around here. RAT Spring you see. Spring on the river bank.. Everything’s on the move, SEES TOAD Oh dear me. Oh dear me, no. TOAD APPEARS WITH A CREW OF ROWERS. TOAD AS COX.

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MOLE What’s that? TOAD Pull! Pull! RAT That, is Toad. He’s all for rowing these days, brand new boat, new togs, new everything. Hold on tight. Ahoy Toad. Careful. TOAD No time for that. Pull! Pull! RAT Last year it was sailing, then punting. Then we all had to go and live on a house boat and pretend we liked it. TOAD Boating. Nothing like it. Cuts through the water like a knife through butter! Pull. Pull. What ho, Ratty. Keep up. Get a move on. Pull. RAT Toad, be careful. You’ll have us all over like that! MOLE Rat! RAT What? MOLE I want to row. RAT What?! MOLE I want to row. Now! MOLE GRABS THE OARS I’m sure I can do it. RAT Wait! No! MOLE I must. Let’s catch Toad. RAT You’ll have us over. No! MOLE Like this. Is it like this? RAT Stop it you silly ass.

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MOLE Don’t call me... RAT A silly ass. You are and I will. MOLE And we did go over. I went right. RAT And I went to port. MOLE To what? RAT Port, Aaaaaa! MOLE Into the River. THEY FALL. MOLE COMES UP FOR BREATH A COUPLE OF TIMES BEFORE RAT HAULS HIM OUT. MOLE IS DRIPPING. MOLE So, that is a river? RAT Not a river. The River. MOLE It’s cold. RAT At this time of year. MOLE And very wet. RAT Oh yes, but never, never dull, from the floods in February until the summer, when it drops away and shows mud that smells like plum cake. Never dull. You’re dripping. MOLE I know. THERE IS A FRISSON OF WILD WOODERS IN THE SHADOWS. MOLE What’s that? Over there?

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RAT That? Oh that’s just the Wild Wood. We don’t go there much, we Riverbankers. MOLE Aren’t they nice in there? RAT We-ell, The squirrels are all right, and the rabbits, some of them. Then there’s Badger. He lives right in the heart of it. Wouldn’t live anywhere else if you paid him. Nobody interferes with him. MOLE Who would? RAT Well, there are others. Weasels, stoats, foxes. Alright in their way but you can’t really trust them. Come on now, let’s get you dry and into the warm. MOLE Ratty, my generous friend. I am very sorry for my foolishness. RAT Bless you, what’s a little wet to a water rat? I’m in the water more than out. Now come on. I think you’d best stay with me for a time. MOLE Really? RAT It’s plain and rough – not at all like Toad’s house. But I can make you comfortable. MOLE I should love that. Thank you. RAT And we’ll have you rowing and swimming in no time. Come along now. MOLE (HESITATING) And what’s over there? Beyond the Wild Wood, where it’s all blue and dim? RAT Beyond the Wild Wood comes the Wide World. And that’s something that doesn’t matter, either to you or me. I’ve never been there, and I’m never going, nor you either,

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if you’ve got any sense at all. Now come on. Dinner. SUMMER LIFE ON THE RIVER BANK. RATTY AND MOLE AND THE OTHER ANIMALS POTTERING. DUCK SONG RAT (ACCOMPANIED AT VARIOUSTIMES BY THE INHABITANTS OF RIVERBANK AND WILD WOOD.) All along the backwater Through the rushes tall Ducks are a-dabbling, Up tails, all!

Ducks’ tails, drakes’ tails, Yellow feet a-quiver Yellow bills all out of sight Busy in the river!

Slushy green undergrowth Where the roach swim – Here we keep our larder, Cool and full and dim.

Every one for what he likes! We like to be

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Heads down, tails up, Dabbling free.

High in the blue above Swifts whirl and call – We are down a-dabbling Up tails, all!

MOLE So I went to live with Rat. RAT And we rubbed along very well together, didn’t we Mole? With the river lapping past the window. MOLE I learnt to swim and row and entered into the joy of running water. RAT Nothing like it. MOLE While Spring turned slowly into high summer. Then MOLE STARTS SNIFFING AGAIN. Ratty, I want to ask you a favour. RAT Ask away, old chap. Ask away. MOLE I wanted to ask you, won’t you take me to call on Mr Toad. I’ve heard so much about him. RAT Splendid idea. We’ll go up there at once. It’s never the wrong time to call on Toad. Early or late he’s always the same. Always glad to see you, always sorry when you go. MOLE He must be a very nice animal

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RAT The best. Perhaps he’s not very clever – but we can’t all be geniuses can we? MOLE (BACK TO THE PRESENT) And that’s the first time I came here, to Toad Hall. Toad Hall. It doesn’t look much now, but you should have seen it in its hey day. RAT Oh yes. One of the nicest houses in these parts. Handsome, dignified, mellow. TOAD (ENTERING) Just like me, eh, Ratty old chap? RAT Well... TOAD How perfect that you’re here. RAT May I introduce... TOAD You don’t know how lucky it is, your turning up just now? I need your help. RAT I suppose it’s the rowing... TOAD What? RAT The rowing. TOAD Eh? RAT Too splashy? TOAD Oh, pooh! Boating. I’ve given that up. Sheer waste of time. I’ve discovered the real thing, the only thing worth doing and I intend to devote the rest of my life to it. MOLE HOLDS HIS HAND OUT TO SHAKE. Mole. TOAD TAKING IT. Indeed. My only regret is the wasted and squandered years behind me. RAT And what is it? This wonder?

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TOAD The wonder is this. A GYPSY CARAVAN, IN OUR CASE MADE OUT OF A WHEEL BARROW, A TABLE AND A FRINGED TABLE CLOTH. RAT A gypsy caravan! TOAD There you are. Real life, embodied in that little cart. The open road, the dusty highway, the heath, the common, the hedgerows, the rolling downs. Here today, up and off to somewhere else tomorrow! The whole world before you, and a horizon that’s always changing! MOLE Marvelous! Marvelous. Isn’t it Ratty? RAT Oh yes. Marvelous. TOAD I see you’re a discerning creature Mole. This is quite the finest cart. Look at the finish. The features. Bunks, a table, a stove, lockers, book shelves, and a bird cage. With a bird in it! That sings! Everything we need for when we make our start, this afternoon. RAT I beg your pardon? ‘We’, and ‘start’ and ‘this afternoon?’ TOAD Now Ratty. Don’t get stiff and sniffy. You must come, you will come. RAT But.. TOAD I can’t manage without you, so that’s settled. RAT No. TOAD Don’t argue. I can’t bear it. I can’t bear it! I want to show you the world. I’m going to make an animal of you, my boy!

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RAT I don’t care. I’m not coming, and that’s flat. And neither is Mole. Are you Mole? MOLE HYPNOTISED BY THE CARAVAN What? RAT Are you, Mole? MOLE Am I, Mole? RAT Going. MOLE Going? RAT Yes, going. MOLE Going? (WITH A STRUGGLE) Going? No. Of course not, if you say so Rat. But... it sounds...it might be...you know...fun? The world...and seeing it? RAT Fun? Fun? TOAD Come and have some lunch. Of course I don’t really care. Live for others! That’s my motto. RAT During lunch MOLE Which was excellent TOAD As everything at Toad Hall always is. THE FOLLOWING THREE SPEECHES OVERLAP AND THE THREE OF THEM ARRIVE AT THE LAST LINE SIMULTANEOUSLY. RAT Now I really don’t wish to speak ill of Toad because he is of course a splendid chap, but he did seem to go to work on Mole. He ignored me entirely and spoke only to Mole who has some fine fine qualities but he’s frankly not a sophisticated fellow. Anyway the long and the short of it was that when

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lunch was over we seemed to be setting out on the open road. TOAD I spoke to Mole intimately of my beautiful, beautiful caravan, camps, villages, towns, cities. I didn’t pay much attention to Rat. Between you and me he’s a bit of a party pooper. Travel, change, interest, excitement, to be honest I played him like a harp and by the end of lunch we were setting out on the open road. MOLE Lunch was lovely, but I couldn’t take my mind off that caravan. Seeing the Wide World. Life, it was calling me. I’d started and I didn’t feel like stopping. Ratty was kind and generous and no one better when you want to put your feet up but Mr Toad opened my eyes and by the time lunch was over if there was one thing I wanted to do it was setting out on the open road! TOAD So, harness the horse! Ratty. RAT Very well. HE TAKES THE BRIDLE AND APPROACHES THE HORSE WHILE TOAD AND MOLE PREPARE THE VAN. THE HORSE WAS ORIGINALLY DONE LIKE A PANTO HORSE WITHOUT THE COSTUME. RAT So I went off to the paddock to harness the old grey horse. TOAD And I went to get supplies for our trip. MOLE And I carried them. RAT AND HORSE RAT Come on then. CLICKS TONGUE.

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HORSE Pardon? RAT CLICKS AGAIN. HORSE Is that supposed to mean something? RAT It means come on. HORSE Where exactly? RAT We’re off to the open road. HORSE The open road? RAT Yes. HORSE I don’t think so. TROTS OFF. TOAD AND MOLE. TOAD Come along Mole. Load up the supplies. Put that there. Stash that under the seat. More tea I think. And biscuits too. One can never have enough, can one? What’s your opinion? THEY CARRY ON WITH THE LOADING. TOAD DOING THE POINTING AND MOLE DOING THE LIFTING. RAT AND HORSE RAT Come on now. Come on. HORSE No. RAT Don’t you want to see the world? HORSE What’s the world got in it that I can’t get in this lovely field? RAT Grass? HORSE Grass? I’m in a field.

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RAT Greener grass? HORSE And what do I have to do for this greener grass? RAT Pull that. THEY LOOK AT WHERE MOLE AND TOAD ARE PILING UP THE VAN. TOAD Come on Mole. Pile it up! RAT You know. Clip clop? HORSE GIVES RAT AN OLD FASHIONED LOOK HORSE Clip clop? Not clopping likely. TROTS OFF AGAIN. TOAD Right. Potted lobster, sardines. Enough do you think? Soda water, baccy, letter paper, jam, playing cards. Play rummy do you? MOLE Never. TOAD I’ll teach you. Dominoes, port. More port. Right, I think we’re done. Now where’s Ratty with that horse. Ratty, what are you playing at? TOAD TAKES IN THE SITUATION WITH THE HORSE, GETS A CARROT AND HOLDS IT UP. THE HORSE IMMEDIATELY TROTS OVER. Right hitch him up. I really don’t know why you make such a meal of these things Rat. Mole and I have been doing all the work. This is the life. Talk about your old river. RAT TO MOLE. But, I don’t! I don’t talk about it. I think about it – all the time.

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MOLE We don’t have to do this Rat. Shall we go back to our dear hole on the riverbank. RAT No, it’s alright. I’ll stick it out. It’s not safe to leave Toad on his own. And it won’t last long. His fads never do. TOAD Ready? THEY SET OFF

THE OPEN ROAD

We never know, how far we might go Over the mountains and down to the sea On and on to where the land meets the sky Tomorrow who knows where we will be? CHORUS Ratty and Mole and Mr Toad We lighten the load On the open road. CHORUS

Over the mountains and down to the sea It really doesn’t matter where we roam Tomorrow who knows where we will be? Wherever we stop well that’s our home CHORUS It really doesn’t matter where we roam

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We don’t need the mortar and bricks Wherever we stop well that’s our home If we don’t like where we are we just up sticks. CHORUS We don’t need the mortar and bricks We’re watching as the world rolls by If we don’t like where we are we just up sticks. And sleep under a starry sky. CHORUS

TOAD Well, Rat? What do you think? This is the life, eh? RAT I have to say we had a lovely trudge that day, the smell of the dust we kicked up, the orchards that we passed. And when we stopped that evening, I collected wood and made a camp fire. MOLE I walked to a nearby village for milk and eggs. There were a few things we had forgotten. HORSE I munched on the grass. RAT Was it greener? HORSE It was as a matter of fact. RAT Did it taste better? HORSE I think that’s because I’d worked up an appetite. MOLE And...where’s Toad?

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TOAD Here! I’ve been having a nap. Now look at what an easy life we’re leading now. Far away from all that dreary housekeeping. RAT DRY Yes. MOLE That night we slept under the stars. I had never been so happy. And the next day we were off on our travels again. HORSE Excuse me. Bone to pick. TOAD What’s that? HORSE Who’s doing the pulling? RAT You. HORSE All of it? RAT You. HORSE And who’s doing the chatting? MOLE Point taken, Horse. I’ll walk beside you and have a chat. HORSE Thank you. TOAD Good chap, Mole. And generous. Why aren’t you more like that, Rat? RAT So that day was like the one before it. We wondered over grassy downs and along narrow by-lanes until we came to the high road. MOLE The first we’d tackled. RAT And there disaster, fleet and unforeseen, sprang out on us. MOLE Momentous for our expedition.

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RAT But also disastrous for the future career of Toad. HORSE HEARING SOMETHING IN THE DISTANCE. What’s that? MOLE What? HORSE That noise. MOLE What noise? HORSE It’s like the drone of a distant bee. TOAD Oh that will probably be a distant bee, old chap. Droning. MOLE Then I heard it too. RAT And me. A distant... TOAD Poop -poop!? How extraordinary. MOLE And in the distance we saw a cloud of dust. RAT And from the middle of it a strange sound. TOAD Poop-poop. HORSE I don’t like it. MOLE What is it? HORSE I don’t like it at all. RAT What is it? MOLE And then, with a blast of wind, and a whirl of sound, it was on us. TOAD A motor car! THE ACCIDENT. HERE’S ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY FOR CREATIVITY. IN THE ORIGINAL IT WAS VERY SIMPLE. A LITTLE LINE OF

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WILDWOODERS, MAKING THE NOISE OF THE CAR, PASSED THROUGH THE MIDDLE OF OUR GROUP OF RAMBLERS, WHO WERE CAST ASIDE IN SLOW MOTION, CARRYING VARIOUS BITS OF THE VAN WITH THEM. MOLE WHO HAD BEEN HOLDING A PACK OF CARDS THREW IT IN THE AIR. THE HORSE WAS LEFT PANICKING AND STAMPING, TOAD SITTING ENTRANCED AND RATTY SHAKING HIS FIST. THE VAN WAS NOW IN PIECES ALL OVER THE STAGE. RAT You villains! You scoundrels! You – you- road hogs! I’ll have the law on you. TOAD IN A TRANCE Poop-poop! RAT Toad old chap, are you injured? TOAD Poop-poop! MOLE Ratty! Ratty! Lend us a paw. (TO HORSE) Calm down old fellow. Calm down. RAT PICKING THINGS UP. Oh dear me. Oh dear me. MOLE Hi Toad! RAT Come and lend us a hand, can’t you? TOAD Poop-poop! Poop-poop! MOLE Is he alright? What’s wrong with him? TOAD Poop-poop! THEY GO OVER TO HIM RAT Are you coming to help us, Toad? TOAD Glorious, stirring sight! The poetry of motion. The real way to travel. Here today

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– in next week tomorrow. Villages skipped, towns and cities jumped, always somebody else’s horizon. Oh bliss! Oh my! Oh poop- poop! MOLE Oh, stop being an ass, Toad! TOAD And to think, I never knew, never even dreamed! All those wasted years, but now! What dust clouds shall spring up behind me as I speed on my reckless way! MOLE What are we to do with him? RAT Nothing at all. There really is nothing to be done. He’s got a new craze. He’ll be like this for days. Come on we’ll walk to the nearest town and get help. MOLE But we can’t just leave him, sitting in the middle of the road. RAT O bother Toad, I’ve done with him. HE STRIDES OFF, WAITS FOR MOLE. MOLE, AFTER A STRUGGLE WITH HIS CONSCIENCE, JOINS HIM (WITH HORSE) THEY BEGIN TO WALK AWAY WHEN TOAD LEAPS UP AND JOINS THEM, LINKING ARMS. TOAD Poop-poop! MOLE So we set off home. RAT Visited the police station to lodge a complaint TOAD MAKES HIMSELF SCARCE. MOLE Made arrangements about the remains of the beautiful cart. HORSE I went back to my field. Never again!

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HORSE GOES. RAT We returned to the hole in the river bank. Oh look. Leaves are starting to fall. MOLE Autumn already. RAT A couple of days later, Otter dropped by. OTTER AND PORTLY OTTER Rat! Mole! Have you heard the news? MOLE No. Otter. What? OTTER TO PORTLY, WHO DASHES OFF. Portly. Portly! Come back here! MOLE Otter. What’s the news? OTTER There’s nothing else being talked about all along the river bank. Portly. Come here. RAT What? Spit it out. OTTER Toad went up to Town by an early train this morning. And he has ordered a large and very expensive motor-car. MOLE Oh dear. RAT Poop-poop! MOLE Indeed. RAT That will spell trouble. OTTER PURSUING PORTLY. Portly! Portly! Where is that child? OTTER LEAVES IN SEARCH OF PORTLY. AUTUMN MOLE Well, it did spell trouble, but not for some time. Summer was long over. The year

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turned into autumn. The trees had lost their leaves. Shall we go boating Rat? RAT River’s too swollen for that. Anyway, feeling a bit tired. I think I’ll get an early night. MOLE So we spent a lot of time snug in our holes while wind and rain were battering at our doors. RAT Mornings were keen, the white mist clinging to the surface of the water, the scamper along the bank, the shock of the cold plunge. MOLE IS SNIFFING AGAIN MOLE Ratty. Can we pay badger a visit? RAT He’ll turn up himself, some day. MOLE Couldn’t we just invite him, for dinner or something? RAT He wouldn’t come. MOLE Well let’s go and visit him. RAT In the depths of the Wild Wood!? MOLE You said it was alright. RAT So it is. MOLE Well? RAT Not just now. Not just yet. RAT SETTLES DOWN FOR A NAP. MOLE SNIFFS. HE CHECKS TO SEE IF RAT IS LOOKING. HE MAKES UP HIS MIND. It was a cold still afternoon with hard steely sky overhead when I stepped out this time.

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The country lay bare, the trees entirely leafless when I entered the Wild Wood. Well, this isn’t so bad. HE STEPS ON A TWIG WHICH SNAPS AND MAKES HIM JUMP, THEN LAUGH. In fact, it’s quite exciting. HE WALKS ON. Everything was very still. Dusk was coming and the light draining away like flood water. Then I saw – the faces. THE WILD WOODERS BEGIN TO STALK HIM. Hello! LOOKS. THEY ARE GONE Anybody there? No? I’m imagining it. WALKS ON. La la la la la la..... WHISTLING. HE STOPS. LOOKS AROUND. HEARS PATTERING FOOTSTEPS. HE STARTS TO UP THE PACE. La la la la la la.... SUDDENLY A RABBIT EXPLODES INTO THE SPACE. RABBIT Get out of here, you fool. Get out. RUNS AWAY MOLE What? Why!?

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LAUGHTER. MOLE Oh dear. HE STARTS TO RUN. Oh dear. Oh dear. Sorry Ratty. You were right. Sorry. Oh dear. Ratty. HE HIDES . Ratty. Help! FAR AWAY, IN A COMFORTABLE ARMCHAIR, RATTY, WHO HAS BEEN ASLEEP WAKES WITH A START. RAT Meantime, warm and comfortable, I had been dozing by the fireside. A log cracked on the fire and I woke. Moly? Moly? HE LISTENS Moly? Gone. I went to the door and called out. Moly! And then I saw the foot prints in the mud, straight and purposeful, leading direct to the Wild Wood. Oh no. Oh no. Mole. What have you done? There was nothing else for it. I picked up a cudgel, and off I set. HE SETS OUT, CALLING Moly, Moly, Moly! Where are you? It’s me – it’s old rat. AFTER SOME SEARCHING WE HEAR MOLE Ratty! Is that really you? Ratty?

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THEY MEET Oh Rat. I’ve been so frightened, you can’t think. RAT I quite understand, but you really shouldn’t have gone and done it, Mole. We Riverbankers hardly ever come here by ourselves. Now let’s be going. MOLE Now? In the pitch dark? RAT It was true. By now it was pitch dark, and it was impossible to see in any direction. There should be a moon later. We’ll be able to see. MOLE So the two of us burrowed down under the leaves and slept, SNOW FALLS. When we awoke, and looked out. RAT Hullo. Hullo. Here’s a go. MOLE What’s up, Ratty? RAT Snow is up. Or rather – down. MOLE Everywhere we looked. Covered in white. RAT Can’t be helped. We must take our chance. Except I don’t exactly know where we are and now this snow makes everything look so very different. MOLE So we set of and walked around for- what was it –an hour or so? RAT Maybe two. MOLE There seems no end to it. RAT Or beginning

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MOLE And worst of all. No way out. RAT Well, we can’t stay here. We shall be frozen to the bone. MOLE Very well, which way? RAT This way. MOLE It’s as good as any. RAT So we set off again and it must have been around that time that you fell over and hurt your leg. MOLE Was it? RAT Yes. I think so. MOLE FALLS Ow! My leg! You were right. Oh my poor shin! NURSES IT RAT Poor old Mole. You are in the wars today. Let me have a look. HE LOOKS Oh yes. You’ve cut it. I’ll tie it with my handkerchief. MOLE I must have tripped over a root. RAT It’s a very clean cut, for a root. Funny. RAT STARTS ROOTING AROUND. MOLE Never mind what done it. It hurts just as bad. RAT Help me here, Mole. Oh. Hooray! HE HAS FOUND SOMETHING. Hooray. HE DOES A LITTLE DANCE. MOLE What? RAT Come and see. MOLE LOOKS I see, right enough.

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RAT What do you see? MOLE A door scraper. A common or garden doorscraper. For scraping mud off boots. RAT But what does it mean? MOLE It means some thoughtless person left it there. In the middle of the Wild Wood. And when I get out of here I shall lodge a complaint. RAT SCRABBLING AGAIN. Who are you going to complain to? MOLE The authorities. RAT There’s no authority around here. Ah. MOLE More domestic litter? RAT A door mat. MOLE A door mat. Can we eat it? No. Sleep under it? No. Sit on it and sledge home? No again. Perhaps you’d like to do a little dance around it. RAT Now look here – you thick headed beast. Not another word. Scrape. Scrape and scratch and dig and hunt around if you want to sleep dry and warm tonight. MOLE So I scraped. And scraped and found. THEY UNCOVER BADGER’S DOOR. RAT Mr Badger’s door. MOLE Rat, you are a wonder. You saw my cut which led you to a door-scraper. Where there’s a door-scraper there must be a door mat. Where there’s a door mat there must be a door! And you found it Rat, you

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found it. You are wasted here among us fellows. If I had your head. RAT As you haven’t I suppose you will sit there all night. Cut, door-scraper, door mat, door, bell pull...? MOLE Ring it? RAT With all your might. HE DOES SO AND THERE’S A FAR AWAY RING.. RAT Erm, there’s something I should tell you. MOLE What’s that? RAT About Badger... BADGER APPEARS SUDDENLY, AND SCARILY BADGER Now the very next time this happens I shall be exceedingly angry. Who is it this time, disturbing folk on such a night? Speak up! RAT Oh, Badger, let us in please. It’s me, Rat, and my friend Mole, and we’ve lost our way in the snow. BADGER What, Ratty, my dear little man. Come along in, both of you, at once. Well, I never. Lost in the snow! And in the Wild Wood too, and at this time of night! Come in with you. MOLE Never have I been more happy to see a home. RAT Well we fell over ourselves rushing in, didn’t we. BADGER And I welcomed them in. This is not the sort of night for small animals to be out.

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And I’m afraid Ratty has been up to some of his old tricks again. RAT Me? BADGER Come and sit down have some supper. MOLE The passage led into a central hall. Long passages, apparently without end led away into the darkness. BADGER So, sit down and toast yourselves at the fire. You’re not the only lost souls tonight. RAT There were two young hedgehogs sitting there! HEDGEHOG Me and little Billy here lost our way coming back from school. Mother would send us though she knew the snow was coming. Billy got frightened. BILLY I cried. HEDGEHOG At last we happened against Mr Badger’s back door. BILLY He’s very kind. He took us in. MOLE This seems like a place where heroes could feast after victory. RAT Or weary harvesters could line up in scores along the table and keep their Harvest Home with mirth and song. BADGER Or two or three friends of simple tastes can sit about as they please. Cheers! Now tell me of happenings in your part of the world. How’s old Toad going on? RAT Oh, from bad to worse. Another smash up only last week. He insists on driving himself and he’s hopeless. Nobody can teach him anything.

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BADGER How many has he had? RAT Smashes or cars? Well, it’s the same thing, with Toad. He’s on his seventh. BADGER Well, something must be done. RAT Just my feeling. BADGER But I can do nothing now. Not in the middle of winter. Hibernating. But I will come to take Toad in hand, when the year has really turned and the days are longer. When one starts to feel fidgety and wanting to be up and doing. You know – OTHERS We know. BADGER TO AUDIENCE This is a thing which all animals know. You will just have to take our word for it. Winter is for sleep. Now then. Bed time, I think. Rat! Wake up. It’s bedtime. MOLE He doesn’t feel comfortable underground. I’m used to it. BADGER Ah, a kindred spirit. Underground, nothing can happen to you and nothing can get at you. MOLE Mr Badger, how on earth did you ever find time and strength to excavate all this? It’s astonishing! BADGER It would be astonishing indeed if I had done it. But as a matter of fact I did none of it – only cleaned out the passages and chambers, as far as I had need of them. There’s miles of it. Very long ago, on the spot where the Wild Wood waves now, before ever it was, there was a city. MOLE A city of people?

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BADGER Oh yes. Where we are now, they walked and talked and slept and lived their lives. They were great builders and thought their city would last forever. MOLE What has become of them all? BADGER Who can tell? People come, they flourish for a while, and they go. It is their way. But we remain. There were badgers here before and now there are badgers here again. And so it will ever be. MOLE And when they went, those people? BADGER When they went the rain and wind took the matter in hand. It was all down, down, down gradually – ruin. And then it was all up, up, up as seeds grew to saplings and saplings to forests and our home was ready again and we moved in. And up above the same thing happened. Animals arrived and took up residence. The usual lot, good bad and indifferent. MOLE I’ve met them. BADGER They’re not so bad really. It takes all sorts to make a world and we must live and let live. They won’t trouble you again. Now they know you are a friend of mine. MOLE The next day Badger took us along his tunnels to one of his many back doors. BADGER TO THE HEDGEHOGS Now you two youngsters. Off you go to your mother. THEY GO. HEDGEHOGS Bye, Mr Badger.

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BADGER Here we are at the very edge of the Wild Wood. Hurry along because the days are short. MOLE Thank you so much for your hospitality, Badger. BADGER Think nothing of it, and Rat, expect me in the spring. We will take that irksome Toad in hand. HE GOES. RAT So, to the river bank. It will soon be dark again. MOLE Which way? RAT The nearest is through the village. But that means people. THEY LOOK AT THE AUDIENCE MOLE Don’t take offence but on the whole we don’t take to people. RAT Present company excepted. MOLE Of course. RAT Oh come on. At this time of year they’re all safe indoors by this time, sitting around the fire. MOLE So we slipped through without any bother. THE NEXT PART WAS SUPPLEMENTED BY DESCRIPTIONS OF REAL AUDIENCE MEMBERS. RAT And stopped to look through their windows. MOLE In one there was a family around a table, eating and laughing. RAT In another a cat being stroked.

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MOLE A sleepy child picked up and huddled off to bed. RAT A tired man stretching and knocking out his pipe on a log. MOLE And suddenly I felt my toes to be cold and legs tired. RAT And home a long way away. Come on. MOLE SUDDENLY SNIFFS. MOLE Home! Ratty! Hold on. Come back. I want you quick! RAT Oh, come along, Mole, do. MOLE Please stop, Ratty. You don’t understand. RAT What is it? MOLE It’s my home. My old home! I’ve just come across the smell of it. It’s close by here, really quite close. And I must go to it. I must. Oh come back Ratty. Please, come back. RAT STILL ON HIS WAY. Mole we mustn’t stop now. Whatever it is you’ve found, we’ll come back tomorrow. But we can’t stop now, the snow’s coming on again. HE CARRIES ON. MOLE IS ROOTED RAT STOPS AND TURNS Come on. We’ll get a fire going. Kettle on. Supper. It will be grand. Oh do buck up. MOLE BEGINS TO SOB. RAT RUSHES BACK. What is it old fellow? Whatever can be the matter?

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MOLE It’s my home. I know it’s a shabby and dingy little place, not like your cosy quarters – or Toad’s beautiful hall, or Badger’s great house, but it was my own little home – and I went away and forgot all about it – and then suddenly I smelt it – on the road. RAT I see it all now. What a pig I have been. Apig – that’s me. Just a pig – a plain pig. HE GETS UP AND STARTS WALKING BACK MOLE Wherever are you going to, Ratty? RAT To find that home of yours. Come along. We shall want your nose. MOLE But what about River bank? Supper? RAT Hang River Bank. And supper too. Business. Use your nose, and give your mind to it. MOLE If you’re sure. HE STARTS TO SNIFF. CONCENTRATES, GETS THE SCENT. This way. IT GETS STRONGER AND HE STARTS TO RUN WITH RAT IN PURSUIT. Over here, etc. THEY FIND MOLE END. My home. Mole end. Just as I left it, all those months ago. HE LIGHTS A LAMP. Oh dear, dusty, shabby, small, and worn

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Oh Ratty, why ever did I bring you to this poor, cold little place, on a night like this, when you might have been at River Bank by now, toasting your toes before a blazing fire. RAT Stuff and nonsense. What a capital little house this is. So compact! So well planned. I’ll make a fire. You grab a duster and smarten things up a bit. Bustle about, old chap! MOLE So Rat did his magic and soon it was cozy as you like. But Rat. No food. RAT Mole, nil desperandum. I have found a sardine key. And where there is a sardine key there must be – yes! Sardines! And a box of captain’s biscuits, nearly full, and a german sausage. A banquet! MOLE No bread. No butter. RAT No pate de fois gras, no champagne, how ever shall we cope! I don’t suppose you’d have a couple of bottles of ale tucked away anywhere? MOLE I do! I do! RAT Just the ticket. DURING THE ABOVE EXCHANGE WE HEAR THE BEGINNINGS OF THE CAROL, SUNG BY THE LITTLE ANIMALS. CAROL Villagers all, this frosty tide, Let your doors swing open wide Though wind may follow and snow beside,

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You draw us by your fire to bide; Joy shall be yours in the morning.

Here we stand in the cold and the sleet. Blowing fingers and stamping feet Come from far away you to greet – You by the fire and we in the street – Bidding you joy in the morning!

Goodman Joseph toiled through the snow Saw the star o’er a stable low; Mary she might not further go – Welcome thatch and litter below! Joy was hers in the morning!

And then they heard the angels tell Who were the first to cry ‘Nowell? Animals all, as it befell, In the stable where they did dwell! Joy shall be theirs in the morning!

DURING THE ABOVE RAT What’s that I hear? MOLE It’s carol singing. The young animals. They always sing at this time of year.

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RAT What could be better? THEY BECKON THEM IN MOLE Come in. Come in. RAT Come and join us. THE SINGING LULLS SLIGHTLY. MOLE So, after all my adventures I ended the year where I began it. In my little house. I tell you what I’m doing after this lot have gone. I’m having a lie down. I’m bushwacked. CHIEF WEASEL Hang on a minute. On your way. I’m not having you squatting. I’ll never sell the place. MOLE Sit down. CHIEF WEASEL Offski. RATTY Take the weight of your paws. Have a drink. MOLE (TO AUDIENCE) I think you lot should probably do the same - because when you come back I’m going to tell you about what became of Toad TOAD About time! My story. BADGER And it’s not for the faint hearted, believe you me. CHIEF WEASEL LEAVING We’ll see about that. MOLE And there’s a few original features I bet you didn’t know about either. END OF PART ONE

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PART TWO SPRING AGAIN. MOLE AND RATTY ARE POTTERING. BADGER STRIDING IN. The Hour has come. MOLE Erm? RAT What hour? Exactly? BADGER Why, Toad’s Hour. The hour of Toad. I said I would take him in hand as soon as the winter was well over, and I’m going to take him in hand today. MOLE Today? BADGER This very morning. You two animals will accompany me to Toad Hall where the rescue will be accomplished. RAT Right you are. We’ll convert him! He’ll be the most converted Toad that ever was before we’ve done with him. MOLE So off we went to Toad Hall. RAT In single file BADGER With me at the front. Keep up. MOLE And when we got here we found.

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TOAD Me! And my shiny new motor car. I just took delivery of it. Isn’t it beautiful. You’re just in time to come with me for a jolly – for a er – jolly? – BADGER TAKES THE KEYS OFF HIM. I’ll take those. You take him. Bring him inside. Now let’s sit down. Wait a minute. Where are the chairs? TOAD Sold. BADGER Then you must stand for this, as we certainly won’t. Firstly take those ridiculous things off! TOAD Shan’t. BADGER Take them off then, you two. THERE IS A STRUGGLE AFTER WHICH HE IS DOWN TO HIS LONG JOHNS BADGER You knew it must come to this sooner or later, Toad. You have squandered your father’s money, you have given animals a bad name, with your smashes and rows with the police. I will now tell you a few home truths. MOLE So Badger gave Mole a serious talking to. For a very long time. RAT It won’t work. Talking to Toad will never cure him. He’ll say anything. MOLE Toad started crying! BADGER My friends. I am pleased to inform you that Toad has at last seen the error of his ways. MOLE That is very good news. RAT Indeed.

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BADGER Toad. I want you solemnly to repeat after me, before your friends. I am sorry for what I’ve done, and I now see the folly of it all. TOAD SAYS NOTHING. BADGER I am sorry for what I’ve done... SILENCE BADGER I’m sorry... TOAD I’m not sorry. And it wasn’t folly at all. It was simply glorious. BADGER What? You backsliding animal. TOAD But I’m not sorry really and it’s no earthly good saying I am. BADGER Then you don’t promise never to touch a motor car again. TOAD No, I faithfully promise that the first motor car I see, poop-poop! Off I go in it. RAT Told you so. BADGER Very well then. Take him upstairs and lock him in his bedroom! RAT AS THEY DEPOSIT HIM IN A SAFE PLACE. It’s for you own good, Toady, you know. MOLE Well take care of everything for you till you’re well. BADGER It’s going to be a long and tedious business. We shall have to take it in turns to guard him until this is out of his system. TOAD IS YELLING TO BE LET OUT.

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MOLE So we did. Every day we would guard him. Taking turns. And then one day, it was Ratty’s turn... RAT I know, I know. It was my turn. Must I tell it? Oh, alright. Let’s get on with it. Badger was showing Mole around his tunnels. They like it. Personally I can’t see it. Claustrophobia. Toad. How are you today? No reply. Then TOAD Thank you so much for asking, dear Ratty, but first tell me how are you all? RAT Oh we’re alright. Now jump up and don’t mope on a fine day like today. TOAD I wish I could jump up, dear Rat. I wish I could. But don’t worry about me. RAT I won’t. TOAD I hate to be a burden. At least it won’t be for much longer. I hope not. RAT I hope not too. You’ve been such a bother. And with the boating season just coming on! TOAD I’m a nuisance, I know. RAT You are indeed. But I’d go to any trouble for you. TOAD Would you? Would you really, Rat? RAT If only you’d be a sensible animal. TOAD Oh Ratty. If that were true then I would beg you – for the last time probably – to go to

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the village as quickly as possible – even now it may be too late – and fetch the doctor. But don’t bother. Let’s just let things take their course. RAT What do you want a doctor for? TOAD Surely you’ve noticed of late – but why should you – it’s only a bother. Never mind. Forget that I asked. RAT Look here, old man. Of course I’ll fetch a doctor. If you really think you want one. But you can hardly be bad enough for that. Let’s talk about something else. TOAD I fear we’re past talking, or doctors either for that matter: still one must grasp at the slightest straw. And by the way – I hate to give you more trouble, but I remember that you will pass the door – would you mind at the same time to ask my lawyer to step up? There is a moment when one must face up to disagreeable tasks. RAT A lawyer! A lawyer? Well, I thought if he wanted a lawyer he must be really bad. I know. I know. I didn’t know what to do. I’ve known Toad fancy himself poorly before but I’ve never known him ask for a lawyer. So I thought, I’d better be on the safe side, and off I ran down the village on my errand of mercy. RAT GOES OFF, MUTTERING TO HIMSELF. Stupid. Stupid. TOAD It’s like taking sweets from a baby! Oh look, I’m cured. It’s a miracle! So I dressed myself, filled my pockets with any cash I could find. Next, knotting my bed sheets

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together, and tying one end around my bed post I scrambled out of the window – please don’t try this at home – slid down the rope and walked away in the opposite direction to Rat, whistling a merry tune. RAT While he was whistling his merry tune I was facing the music. BADGER You did what?! MOLE Oh Rat! RAT I know. MOLE You thought he was dying! RAT Yes. MOLE Toad! RAT Alright, alright. He did it very well. BADGER He did you very well. However talking won’t mend matters and now he’s out of our hands. We can only wait and see. Will he come back between two policemen – or on a stretcher? TOAD ALONE TOAD Meanwhile, I was walking briskly along the high road, some miles from home. I came at last to a small town, where feeling a trifle peckish I purchased a cake to fill a gap. I believe it was a chocolate éclair. It was then I saw it pull up outside the Red Lion Hotel. Poop-poop! It called to me as if it knew me. Poop-poop! The passengers tumbled out, laughing at their morning adventures and went into the Red Lion. There cannot be any harm in my just looking at it. Can there?

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Poop-poop Oh my I could really manage a sit down. GETS IN THE CAR. Now where’s the harm? Poop-poop. I wonder – I wonder if this sort of car starts easily? I pulled the lever and swung out into the road. All sense of right and wrong – gone. I increased my pace, the car devoured the road. I was Toad once more, Toad the best, the highest, Toad the terror, the Lord of the Lone Trail. Give way before me or be smitten into nothingness and everlasting night. I am Toad! Poop-poop! TOAD CAREERS TOWARDS A CRASH, AND WHEN THE DUST SETTLES HE’S IN COURT, IN THE DOCK WITH THEJUDGE AND THE CLERK OF THE COURT. JUDGE Mr Toad. Of Toad Hall, you are herewith charged of One. Taking and driving away a motor vehicle without the owner’s permission. To whit theft. TOAD Lies, lies, it’s all lies. JUDGE You mean you didn’t steal the car? TOAD No. The car stole me. JUDGE How? TOAD She whispered to me. JUDGE What did she say? TOAD Poop-poop.

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JUDGE Poop-poop? TOAD Yes. I couldn’t help myself. JUDGE Stuff and nonsense. Clerk of the Court. What can we sentence the incorrigible rascal for theft? CLERK One year, my lud. JUDGE One year. TOAD One year!? JUDGE Secondly, you are accused of reckless driving on the public highway. TOAD Lies again. I wasn’t reckless JUDGE What were you then? TOAD I was fast! And I wasn’t on the public highway. JUDGE Only because you came off the road. Clerk. What is our maximum sentence? CLERK Three years, my lud. JUDGE Three years. TOAD Three years?! JUDGE Thirdly, and most seriously, of gross impertinence to the officers of the law. TOAD What’s that? JUDGE Cheek. TOAD I never. JUDGE Did. TOAD Didn’t.

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JUDGE Cheek and backchat for which we reserve our most serious sentence. Clerk? CLERK Fifteen years, my lud. TOAD Fifteen? JUDGE Fifteen years. Plus three. CLERK Eighteen. JUDGE Plus one. CLERK Nineteen JUDGE Round it up CLERK Twenty. JUDGE Twenty years in prison. TOAD Twenty years?! JUDGE Twenty years. And think yourself lucky. If you appear before us again, upon any charge whatever, we shall have to deal with you very seriously! Take him away! TOAD No! And I was taken away in chains. Poor miserable Toad. The rusty key creaked in the lock, the great door clanged behind me and I was a helpless prisoner in the remotest dungeon of the best guarded keep of the strongest castle in all the length and breadth of Merry England. RAT AND MOLE. IT IS A HOT DAY. RAT Oh the blessed coolness OTTER DASHES IN OTTER Rat! Mole! RAT Whatever is it Otter, to be dashing around on such a hot evening. Do sit down.

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OTTER No can do. It’s Portly. He’s gone missing. MOLE Again? OTTER Well normally I wouldn’t worry but this time it has been a few days. If you see him give him a clip round the ear and send him home. RAT Where are you going? OTTER To the ford. I thought- well it’s where I taught Portly to swim – and we’d go fishing. I thought - if he came wandering back, he might make for the ford. I just thought - MOLE Good luck, old chap. OTTER Thank you, Mole. OTTER LEAVES RAT AND MOLE SIT IN SILENCE RAT I suppose we should turn in. MOLE Rat, I simply can’t. I can’t sleep, and do nothing, while that little chap is missing. Let’s get the boat out and go upstream. RAT Just what I was thinking. Day break is not so very far off. Come on. TOAD IN PRISON. TOAD Meanwhile, Me! Are we forgetting me!? So soon? It doesn’t take long, does it? Far away from the sunshine. Deep in grim darkness, shedding bitter tears. Stupid animal that I was, now I must languish in this dungeon, till those who were proud to say they knew me have forgotten the very name of Toad. GAOLER’S DAUGHTER COMES IN

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TOAD Who are you? GAOLER’S DAUGHTER I’m the gaoler’s daughter. My Father could bear to listen to you no longer. TOAD Ah, he feels my pain. GAOLER’S DAUGHTER Ye-es. Now, cheer up, Toad. Sit up and dry your eyes. And do try and eat a bit of dinner. See, I’ve brought you some of mine, hot from the oven. TOAD What is it? GAOLER’S DAUGHTER Bubble and squeak. TOAD No, no. I cannot be comforted. GAOLER’S DAUGHTER Oh, so I thought I had better go. TOAD Wait! Leave the plate. I might force a mouthful down. GAOLER’S DAUGHTER When I came back some time later it was all gone. More? TOAD Perhaps I could manage some tea, and toast,- with honey. GAOLER’S DAUGHTER I’ll see what I can do. TOAD It will remind me of Toad Hall. Ah, Toad Hall GAOLER’S DAUGHTER Tell me about it. TOAD It’s an elegant self contained gentleman’s residence, dating in part from the fourteenth century. Up to date sanitation, handy for the golf links. GAOLER’S DAUGHTER I don’t want to buy it. Tell me about your life there. TOAD So I told her about my dear friends

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GAOLER’S DAUGHTER Ratty and Mole and Badger TOAD But mostly about me and my escapades. GAOLER’S DAUGHTER And we had many interesting talks TOAD As the dreary days went on. GAOLER’S DAUGHTER Until I had an idea. SHE BRINGS IN THE WASHERWOMAN Toad, this is my aunt who is a washerwoman. TOAD Don’t worry about it. I have several aunts who should be washerwomen. GAOLER’S DAUGHTER Please be quiet, Toad. You talk too much and it gives me a head ache. Aunt, tell him what you do. WASHERWOMAN I do the washing for the prison. On Mondays I bring it, and on Fridays – today – I fetch it. In between, I washes it. TOAD Really? I am barely conscious with excitement. Quite a page turner. Why are you telling me this? Is it part of my sentence? GAOLER’S DAUGHTER No, it is a means of escape. My aunt here is prepared give you her dress and bonnet. WASHERWOMAN For a price. GAOLER’S DAUGHTER And you can escape. In disguise. TOAD My dear girl. You wouldn’t have Mr Toad escaping as a washerwoman. GAOLER’S DAUGHTER Then you can stay here, as a Toad. WASHERMAN For the proud and stupid animal you are. GAOLER’S DAUGHTER Come on auntie.

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TOAD Wait! You’re right. Take your clothes off. WASHERWOMAN Show us your money first. TOAD GIVES HER SOME WASHERWOMAN And the rest. TOAD GIVES HER MORE WASHERWOMAN That’s not getting you inside my petticoats. TOAD MORE WASHERWOMAN Right. THEY EXCHANGE CLOTHES. GAOLER’S DAUGHTER Now Toad, you must go straight down the way you came up, and if anyone says anything to you, say nothing. WASHERWOMAN Now, tie me up. TOAD Pardon? WASHERWOMAN I must have a alibi. TOAD Oh, must I? WASHERWOMAN Remember I am a widow woman with a reputation to lose. TOAD Oh madam. Is this really necessary.? WASHERWOMAN I could lose my job. It’s all very well for you but I need the work. (AT SOME POINT IN THIS TOAD GAGS HER) TOAD Thank goodness for that. GAOLER’S DAUGHTER Good bye Toad. And good luck. TOAD Thank you TOAD DEPARTS. WE HEAR A WOLF WHISTLE.

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Cheek! RAT AND MOLE MOLE All night we worked our way slowly up stream, while the moon, serene and detached shone down on us. RAT Then something changed. The sky was lighter. The horizon sharper. Listen. MOLE LISTENS, BUT CAN HEAR NOTHING. RAT It’s gone. So beautiful and strange. I could listen forever. There it is again. MOLE TRIES AGAIN No. Just the breeze in the reeds and rushes. RAT There again. Surely you must hear it now. MOLE I do! I hear it. Nature holds its breath MUSIC. BEAUTIFUL. DISTANT SUNRISE. ALL THE ANIMALS COME OUT AND ARE TRANSFIXED BY THE SUN RISING. THERE IS A SENSE OF THE NATURAL WORLD CONNECTING WITH SOMETHING LARGER AND MORE PRIMAL, UNIVERSAL AND NEVER ENDING. THIS CONTRASTS SHARPLY WITH THE WORLDY HUMAN WORLD IN WHICH TOAD IS TRAVELLING. AT THE END OF IT PORTLY IS THERE. THE ANIMALS SHAKE OFF THEIR TRANCE AND GET ON WITH LIFE.

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RAT It’s gone. So beautiful and strange and new. MOLE Portly! You’re safe. RAT Some- great- animal has been here. The piper at the gates of dawn. MOLE Come along, Rat. Let’s get this young rascal down to the ford. RAT I feel as if I’d been through something exciting and terrible – yet nothing particular has happened. MOLE It’s like music. RAT Far away music. A LINGERING MOMENT. IT’S GONE RAT Gone. MOLE Gone. RAT Come on then. Let’s go. THEY LEAVE TOAD SINGING The world has held great heroes, As history books have showed But never a name to go down to fame Compared with that of Toad. TOAD Meanwhile... I was a desperado on the run, and I had found, just the ticket – a train. I went to get on it. GUARD Good morning madam. TOAD LOOKING AROUND What? Oh yes. Me. Let me on the train.

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GUARD The ticket. TOAD What? GUARD Just the ticket. TOAD Exactly what I was saying. It’s just the ticket! GUARD Just the little matter of the ticket. Have you got one? TOAD No. GUARD Then you’ll have to buy one. TOAD Oh dear. No money. GUARD Oh dear, no money. No money, oh dear, no train. TOAD Look just give me the ticket and I’ll send the money on tomorrow. I’m well known in these parts. GUARD I should think you are well known running around like that. Sir. Now out the way, you’re obstructing the passengers. TOAD This is the end of the road for me. I’ll be sent back to prison. Just then, a stroke of good fortune. DRIVER That’ll be me, the engine driver. What’s up, mother? TOAD What? Oh yes. I am a poor unhappy washerwoman and I’ve lost all my money. I can’t get home. What am I to do? DRIVER That’s a bad business. Lost your money and can’t get home. You’ll have kids waiting, I dare say.

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TOAD Hundreds of them. They’ll be hungry – playing with matches and all sorts – oh dear, oh dear. DRIVER Well, I tell you what. You’re a washerwoman. TOAD Yes. DRIVER And I’m an engine driver. TOAD Yes. DRIVER You washes shirts. TOAD Yes. DRIVER And I drive engines. TOAD Where are we going with this? DRIVER Well, you wash some shirts for me and I’ll drive you home. TOAD Yes! Yes! I’ll send them to you. How capital. DRIVER Climb aboard. I’ll pull the whistle. TOAD Poop-poop! DRIVER Yes, indeed. TOAD So the flag waved, the whistle blew and the train pulled out and I was on my way home. We were well on the way when.. DRIVER What’s that I can hear? It sounds like another engine. HE LOOKS It is. We’re being followed. Well I’m not having that. TOAD Can we go faster? DRIVER We certainly can. TOAD And we certainly did. Faster! Faster!

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DRIVER They’re gaining on us. And what a motley crew it is. Men waving sticks and truncheons. And policemen by the look of them. TOAD BEGGING Save me. Save me dear kind engine driver. I am not a simple washerwoman. No children wait for me. I am, a Toad. No. The Toad. The celebrated and now notorious Toad of Toad Hall. I am on the run from a deep and loathsome dungeon. DRIVER SERIOUS And tell me why were you in prison? TOAD I borrowed a motor car. DRIVER I see. TOAD And crashed it. DRIVER Well, that’s different.I don’t hold with motor cars, so one less in the world is no bad thing. And the sight of an animal in tears always melted my heart. Pile on more coals. TOAD Thank you. Thank you. DRIVER Now around the bend is a tunnel, just before we enter it you must jump. I will drive on and lead them a merry dance. Ready? TOAD Ready. DRIVER Jump! TOAD So I jumped. Out of the frying pan, and it turned out, into the fire. I rolled down a hill and came to a halt next to a canal. SINGS

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The clever men at Oxford Know all that there is to be knowed But they none of them know one half as much As intelligent Mr Toad! THE TRAIN IS TRANSFORMED INTO A BARGE AND THEN INTO A CAR. And around a bend came a barge. BARGEE With a bargee. Nice morning ma’am. TOAD For some, maybe. But I have had a message from my married daughter to come to her post haste and at once. So here I come. Fearing the worst, as you’ll know, if you’re a mother. So I’ve left the washing, left the kids, lost me money, lost me way and as for what might be happening to my married daughter, well I can’t bear to think of it. BARGEE Where might your married daughter be living? TOAD Near the river, close to Toad Hall. Perhaps you’ve heard of it. BARGEE Toad Hall? I go right past it. The canal joins the river. Come in my barge. I’ll give you a lift. TOAD CLIMBS ABOARD. BARGEE So, you’re in the washing business, ma’am. TOAD Finest in the country. All the gentry come to me. Wouldn’t go anywhere else. BARGEE You don’t do it all yourself?

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TOAD I have girls. Hopeless. Hussys, I call them. BARGEE So do I. And are you very fond of washing? TOAD Love it. Love it. Love it. Never so happy as when I’m up to my armpits in soapy water. It’s a pure pleasure. BARGEE Then it’s your lucky day. I have a few smalls which need rubbing through. SHE PICKS UP AN IMMENSE PILE OF WASHING AND GIVES IT TO TOAD. I haven’t had the time. Or the inclination, to be frank. There’s a tub over there, water in the canal, a bucket to it pull it up, soap and a wash board. I’ll know you’re having fun instead of sitting there, bored stiff. TOAD Fun! Well, how hard can it be? I suppose any fool can wash. TOAD ATTEMPTS TO WASH THE BARGEES (NOT SO) SMALLS, AND MAKES A PIGS EAR OF IT. BARGEE I’ve had my eye on you. Washerwoman my foot. You’ve never washed so much as a dish cloth. TOAD You common, low, fat, barge woman. I’ll have you know I’m a Toad, a very well known, respected and distinguished Toad, granted under a bit of a cloud at present, but I will not be laughed at by a barge woman. BARGEE Why so you are! A horrid, nasty, crawly, warty Toad. And in my nice clean barge. TOAD Look away now, this next bit is very upsetting.. She tipped me in the water. She did!

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BARGEE Put yourself through your own mangle, washerwoman. TOAD Don’t look. I am mortified. I walked to the road. Dripping. SINGING The Army all saluted As they marched along the road Was it the King or the Emperor No. It was Mr Toad.

I got to the road, somewhat drier and there came a motor car. Perfect. Poop-poop! So naturally I hailed it. Then I noticed, as it came nearer... Oh, no. It is the same car, the very same car that I liberated from outside the Red Lion Hotel on that fatal day. It’s all up! It’s all over. Chains and policemen again. Oh Hapless Toad. The car came closer and stopped and the people leaned out. ONE Oh dear! This is very sad. Here is a poor old thing – a washerwoman apparently- who has fainted in the road! TWO Perhaps she is overcome by the heat, poor creature. ONE Let’s get her into the car and take her to the nearest village. THEY GET TOAD INTO THE CAR. TOAD Thank you. Thank you.

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TWO Look, she is better already. The fresh air is doing her good. TOAD Thank you, kindly. I’m feeling a great deal better. TWO Now keep still and don’t try to talk. TOAD I won’t. I was just thinking, if I might sit in front by the driver I would get some fresh air full on my face. ONE Sensible woman. Do change. THEY CHANGE PLACES. TOAD Dear sir. I wonder if I could drive for a while. I’ve been watching you and it looks so easy. ONE Bravo, ma’am. Like your spirit. TWO Do let her. What damage could she do? ANOTHER CHANGE TOAD Like this? ONE Just like that. OFF THEY GO. ONE How well she does it. Who’d have thought? A washerwoman! And first time. TOAD Just a little faster, shall we? TWO Be careful. ONE Be careful, washerwoman. TOAD Washerwoman indeed. TWO I think you should slow down now. ONE Stop!

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TOAD Washerwoman? I am Toad, the motor snatcher, the prison breaker! SINGING The Queen and her Ladies-in-waiting Sat at the window and sewed She cried, ‘Look! Who’s that handsome man? They answered, ‘Mr Toad!’ ONE Slow down! We’re heading for the river. Slow down. TWO STOP! TOAD SINGING The motor car went Poop-poop-poop’ As it raced along the road. Who was it steered it into the river Ingenious Mr Toad. THE CAR GOES INTO RIVER RAT RAT Well I was putting my feet up when something strange came floating down stream. A floating bundle of old rags. It seemed to be singing and then it said. TOAD Poop-poop! RAT Toad? Toad is it you? Toad, what on earth...? Let me help you out. TOAD Oh Ratty, such trials, such sufferings and all so nobly borne. Such escapes, such disguises, all so clever! Prison – got out! The river – swam to shore!

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RAT So Toad told me all his adventures. TOAD (TO AUDIENCE) I’ll tell you, shall I? RAT No, Toad They’ve already heard it. Seen it even. TOAD I’m sure they’d love to hear it again. RAT Toad. No. Don’t you see what an ass you’ve made of yourself? Handcuffed, imprisoned, starved. Chased, terrified out of your life, insulted, and flung in the River. TOAD You are right, Ratty, as usual. I have been a conceited old ass, but now I’m going to be a good Toad. RAT Well done Toad. TOAD So now I will stroll gently down to Toad Hall. I will get into my own clothes and lead a quiet life. RAT Oh dear. Haven’t you heard? TOAD Heard what? RAT It’s the Wild Wooders. TOAD What? RAT They’ve taken over Toad Hall. TOAD Tell me Ratty. Tell me all. RAT Well, after you were taken away animals took sides. The river bankers stood up for you of course. But the Wild Wooders got very cocky saying that you were done for this time and would never be coming back, never, never. But Mole and Badger stuck out for you and said the prison had not been made that could keep you down. They arranged to move their things into

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toad Hall and defend it till your return. But one dark night- and it was very dark and blowing hard too, and raining cats and dogs – a band of weasels, armed to the teeth came silently up the front, while a body of desperate ferrets possessed themselves of the back yard. Mole and Badger were sitting by the fire, telling stories and suspecting nothing. Suddenly those bloodthirsty villains rushed in from every side. They were unarmed and taken by surprise, two against many. Those two poor faithful creatures were turned out in the cold and wet. And the Wild Wooders have been living in Toad Hall ever since. TOAD Oh have they? We’ll see about that. RAT No. Sit down. We’ll finish supper and tomorrow we will have a council of war with Badger and Mole. TOAD So I sat down. RAT And the next day... BADGER AND MOLE ENTER MOLE Toad, fancy having you back again. BADGER But this is a poor home-coming, Toad. MOLE You must have had an exciting escape. TOAD I should say so. BADGER No, you shouldn’t, Toad. You should hold your tongue and turn over a new leaf. Now listen, we have a plan. There is an underground passage that runs from the

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river bank and comes up in the centre of Toad Hall. TOAD Nonsense, Badger. There’s no such thing. BADGER Toad, I was a good friend of your father TOAD Yes. BADGER He told me. TOAD I’d know about it. BADGER He told me to keep the secret from you except in dire need. TOAD Why!? BADGER Toad, can you keep a secret? TOAD Of course I can. MOLE No you can’t Toad. TOAD I can. RAT You can’t. MOLE You can’t. Really, Toad, you can’t. BADGER Anyway, there’s going to be a big banquet tonight. It’s the chief Weasel’s birthday. They’ll all be in the dining hall eating and drinking. No weapons of any sort whatever. MOLE We shall creep down the tunnel – RAT - with our pistols, swords and sticks- BADGER - and rush in on them- TOAD And whack ‘em and whack ‘em and whack ‘em. BADGER Just so. Get prepared. THEY PICK UPTHEIR CUDGELS

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TOAD I’ll learn ‘em to steal my house. I’ll learn ‘em. I’ll learn ‘em. RAT Don’t say learn ‘em Toad. Not good English. BADGER What’s the matter with his English? It’s the same as I use myself and if it’s good enough for me it should be good enough for you! RAT I’m very sorry, only I think it ought to be ‘teach ‘em’ not ‘learn ‘em’. BADGER But we don’t want to ‘teach ‘em’. We want to learn ‘em – learn ‘em learn ‘em! And what’s more, we’re going to do it, now! Follow me. Mole first, cos I’m very pleased with him. TOAD Whose house is it? BADGER Yours. But Toad, you are a waste of space. Rat next, then Toad. And Toad, ssh, or you’ll be sent back. Then, I took a lantern and led the way down the tunnel. Follow me, Moly. THEY SET OFF. RAT Oh do keep up, Toad! TOAD Wait for me. RAT Well get a move on. TOAD SPEEDS UP AND BARGES INTO RAT. BADGER Attacked from the rear. To arms! TOAD No! No! It’s just me. BADGER Toad, you shall go back.

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RAT Let Toad go after Mole. BADGER Very well. Now come along. OFF THEY GO AGAIN And soon we came under the banqueting hall where a tremendous racket was going on. THE BANQUETING HALL. CHEIF WEASEL And before I take my seat I should like to say one word about our kind host, Mr Toad. We all know Toad –good Toad – honest Toad – modest Toad. TOAD Just let me get at him. BADGER Hold hard. Get ready. CHEIF WEASEL Let me sing you a little song SONG Let’s hope that old amphibian Is getting what he’s owed Twenty years inside is not enough For stupid Mr Toad.

His empty head was just so big We thought it would explode Or float up like a big balloon That carried Mr Toad!

BADGER The hour has come. Follow me.

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BADGER, MOLE, RATTY AND TOAD LEAP OUT ON THE SURPRISED WILD WOODERS. THEIR FIGHTING STYLE REFLECTS THEIR INDIVIDUAL CHARACTERS. BADGER SCARES HIS ENEMIES WITH SHEER BULK AND FORCE. RATTY TURNS OUT TO BE RATHER DASHING AND SWASH BUCKLING. MOLE USES WIT AND INTELLIGENCE (‘OVER THERE...’ ETC.) TOAD HOVERS AROUND THE EDGE, WITH A TENDENCY TO SHADOW BOXING. IN THE END THEY TRIUMPH MUCH CHEERING Mole you are the best of fellows. Rat, you are a hero. TOAD Me! Me? What about me. Such bravery, such derring do derring done. BADGER Toad. You did very well. TOAD I did better than that. And now, I will sing a song about my exploits! BADGER No. TOAD What? BADGER If it is all the same to you Toad, I would prefer it if you found the kitchen and made us a cup of tea. TOAD Me? BADGER We got your house back, I think it’s the least you can do. TOAD Very well. I’m just not sure where to find the kitchen. I’ve never been there.

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BADGER And it is time you stopped blowing your own trumpet. It’s more seemly to let others do it for you. TOAD Oh very well. BADGER Three sugars. TOAD WANDERS OFF. RAT He’ll forget to boil the water. You can count on it. COMING BACK TO THE PRESENT. WEASEL Is that it? Have you done? MOLE Oh, that was Toad Hall in its heyday. We really did give you lot a good thumping. WEASEL Yes, well. That was a long time ago. Things have changed. Toad Hall is not what it once was. MOLE That’s true. WEASEL We just walked in. It was empty. Falling down. What happened to Toad? TOAD On the whole, I behaved himself. I threw a big party at the hall to celebrate. MOLE Even some of you Wild Wooders were invited. WEASEL I was here. MOLE Really? WEASEL We’re not all so bad. MOLE I know. Toad gave his last speech. TOAD Friends and neighbours. Welcome to Toad Hall. OTTER Give us the blow by blow, Toad.

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TOAD Well,..Badger was the mastermind, Mole and Water Rat bore the brunt of the fighting; I merely served in the ranks and did little or nothing. THE SOUND OF AN AEROPLANE GOES OVER. TOAD LOOKS UP. EVERYONE HOLDS THEIR BREATH. OTTER Song, Toad. Sing us a song! TOAD SHAKES HIS HEAD AND RAISES A PAW IN PROTEST. BADGER AND RAT DESCEND ON HIM TO CONGRATULATE HIM. MOLE He was indeed a changed Toad. No offence, but Toad always had wanted to be more human than animal. It wasn’t a pretty sight. And after that, everything began to change. WEASEL Will he want the place back again? TOAD No, now I live in the riverbank with Rat. HE LEAVES. RATTY DESCENDING. He’s much happier with his feet in the water. He’s an amphibian. MOLE And I went back to my hole. WEASEL And we moved in here. The Wild Wood isn’t so Wild, these days. People go for walks. MOLE Badger, still lives there. Wouldn’t be anywhere else. But he always was wisest of us all. BADGER People come – they stay for a while, they flourish, they build – and they go. It is their way. But we remain. We animals remain.

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HE DOES NOT IN FACT REMAIN, HE GOES. MOLE SHIVERS. SNIFFS. Home. Home is calling. Goodbye Wild Wooders. WILD WOODERS Goodbye. MOLE Goodbye, Toad Hall. Good bye. HE GOES. THE CAST REASSSEMBLE FOR THE FINAL SONG SONG The towns build up, the towns fall down Nature will return again Nothing that’s made will last forever But the Wild Wood will remain

People come and people go There is no way of knowing They have their day but the animals stay And the Wild Wood keeps on growing. THE END

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