The Wind in the Willows
adapted for the stage by
Todd Morse The Wind in the Willows 1.
SCENE 1
[Rat sits on stage smoking a pipe. Enter Mole, frustrated.]
MOLE I’ve had it! No more dirt! No more dark! (looks around) What is this place?
RAT This, friend, is the river.
MOLE I could live on this stretch of shore and be quite happy.
RAT This stretch of shore is my home - and it shall be your home too.
HOME
HOLD ON TO ME AS WE GO AS WE ROLL DOWN THIS UNFAMILIAR ROAD AND ALTHOUGH THIS WAVE IS STRINGING US ALONG JUST KNOW YOU’RE NOT ALONE ‘CAUSE I’M GONNA MAKE THIS PLACE YOUR HOME.
SETTLE DOWN. IT’LL ALL BE CLEAR. PAY NO MIND TO THE DEMONS; THEY FILL YOU WITH FEAR. THE TROUBLE, IT MIGHT DRAG YOU DOWN. IF YOU GET LOST, YOU CAN ALWAYS BE FOUND.
JUST KNOW YOU’RE NOT ALONE. ‘CAUSE I’M GONNA MAKE THIS PLACE YOUR HOME.
RAT (CONT’D) These are some of my friends: Robin...
ROBIN Nice to make your acquaintance.
RAT Otter... The Wind in the Willows 2.
OTTER Real pleasure.
RAT Lemming...
LEMMING Have you thought about the end of the world?
RAT Never mind her. And this is frog...
FROG Pleased as a platypus.
[Enter Badger.]
BADGER Evening, Rat. I was wondering— (stops) Ah, you have company. I beg your pardon.
[Exit Badger.]
OTTER That was Badger.
ROBIN Bit of a loner is Badger.
FROG I loaned my watch to a rabbit once. Never got it back.
MOLE (to Rat) Do you live in that grand place across the river?
ROBIN Ha! Rat wishes!
LEMMING That home is Toad Hall. It belongs to Ms. Toad.
OTTER Where is ol’ Toady? The Wind in the Willows 3.
ROBIN What’s she into now?
FROG Sailing.
TOAD (off-stage) Hello, friends!
ANIMALS (except Mole) Hello, Toad!
ROBIN Toad! This is our new friend, Mole!
TOAD I’ll be right over!
RAT Toad, don’t come here! We’ll meet you at the pier.
TOAD Nonsense!
OTTER Toad, ol’ girl, you’re putting the wind at your back!
FROG You’re coming in too fast!
LEMMING We’re all gonna die!
[As the animals duck to the ground, we hear a crash. Toad stumbles onto stage.]
TOAD Wonderful thing, sailing!
MOLE You broke your boat.
TOAD Did I? No matter. The Wind in the Willows 4.
MOLE Have you been sailing very long?
TOAD Ages, my friend.
RAT Days, my friend.
OTTER And in several days more you’ll be on to a new fad.
FROG Bet you’re wrong.
TOAD Thank you, Froggy! It’s true I’ve dabbled in a few different things...
LEMMING A few?!
TOAD But I was born to sail. Nothing could turn me from it. Why, one feels alive (distracted) when... one... is...
ROBIN What is that noise?
[We hear a great sputtering and clunking as a car approaches. The animals look off-stage as it roars past.]
OTTER What in blazes was that contraption?!
RAT It’s called an automobile. Dreadfully dangerous, if you ask me.
TOAD (in a trance) Put-put-put... The Wind in the Willows 5.
MOLE I say, Toad, are you all right?
TOAD Put-put-put...
FROG Hee-hee-hee! Pay up, Otter. She’s hooked.
LEMMING With the automobile?! Oh, good grief!
TOAD Put-put-put...
OTTER (to Frog) You bet Toad wouldn’t move on to a new fad.
FROG I bet Toad wouldn’t move on in several days. It’s hardly been more than a minute.
ROBIN Get yourself home, Toad. And put that automobile out of your mind.
[Otter, Robin, Lemming and Frog escort Toad off.]
OTTER (exiting) This is the start of some serious trouble.
[Mole stares off-stage.]
RAT Don’t give another thought to Toad - not tonight anyway.
MOLE I was thinking of your other friend: Badger. Curious chap, is he?
RAT Wonderful chap - but he won’t be back anytime soon. The Wind in the Willows 6.
MOLE Perhaps we could visit him?
RAT NO-no. He wouldn’t like that.
MOLE I feel like speaking with him - but I don’t know why.
[Rat leads Mole away.]
SCENE 2
[STOAT and MINK crouch. Enter WEASEL, also slouched and grumpy.]
WEASEL What’s for dinner?
STOAT Don’t know. What did you bring?
MINK It’s the middle of the night and I ain’t had a nibble of nothin’!
WEASEL I would have had a nice rabbit, but for Badger. (pointing to head) He gave me this goose-egg instead.
MINK Nothing wrong with goose-eggs! Let’s fry it up!
WEASEL I’ll put your head in the fire before mine.
STOAT I lost my chance at some beautiful fish.
WEASEL Badger again?
MINK Boat. The Wind in the Willows 7.
WEASEL Boat?
MINK Toad ran him over.
STOAT That spoiled lady is oblivious to everything. I hate her.
WEASEL I hate them all.
STOAT But I hate Toad most of all. She thinks she can just lazy about without a care.
MINK Well... she can...
STOAT When’s it our turn?
MINK When we inherit millions upon millions of dollars.
[Enter MOLE.]
MOLE Oh! Hello, friends. I’ve lost my way.
[Weasel, Stoat and Mink start to drool at the sight of Mole.]
WEASEL Bit late to be out, ain’t it, my plump friend?
STOAT (to Mole) Don’t mind about that. You’re just in time for dinner.
MOLE I... I’ve already eaten.
STOAT We ain’t. The Wind in the Willows 8.
MINK Join us. We’re having mole.
[They leap upon Mole. Enter BADGER. He strides up and begins tossing the three attackers left and right. They jump back to their feet, but a squinting glare from Badger drives them away.]
BADGER Now who are you?
MOLE I’m a new friend of Rat’s.
BADGER Rat thought it a good idea for you to wander in the woods?
MOLE That was my idea, I’m afraid.
BADGER You are regretting it?
MOLE Until you came along. Now I’m glad.
BADGER Glad? Glad to be almost eaten?
MOLE Glad to not be entirely eaten.
OTTER (off-stage, calling) Moley!
[Enter OTTER, RAT, FROG, LEMMING and ROBIN, not seeing Badger or Mole yet.]
ROBIN He just walked out?
FROG Maybe he didn’t know it was nighttime.
LEMMING It’s pitch dark. The Wind in the Willows 9.
FROG Up ‘til today, he lived under the ground.
BADGER Have no fear friends. He’s here.
RAT Mole, thank goodness.
ROBIN Where were you going?
MOLE To find Badger - only, he found me.
BADGER And just in time. Weasel’s gang had him.
LEMMING (overhearing) Mole, what was so important that you risked life and limb to get out here?
MOLE (long pause) I just wanted to meet Badger.
BADGER (to Rat) Curious chap, is he?
FROG That’s why we like him.
BADGER Well, no one’s wandering any more tonight. Come, I have room for you all.
OTTER On the way, we can talk about Toad’s new habit.
BADGER Oh, don’t tell me. (pause) Okay, tell me. The Wind in the Willows 10.
SCENE 3
[Frog sits at ‘wheel of car’.]
LIFE IF A HIGHWAY
LIFE IS A HIGHWAY, I WANNA RIDE IT ALL NIGHT LONG. IF YOU’RE GOING MY WAY, I WANNA DRIVE IT ALL NIGHT LONG
WELL, LIFE’S LIKE A ROAD THAT YOU TRAVEL ON, THERE’S ONE DAY HERE AND THE NEXT DAY GONE. SOMETIMES YOU BEND, SOMETIMES YOU STAND, SOMETIMES YOU TURN YOUR BACK TO THE WIND.
THERE’S A WORLD OUTSIDE EVERY DARKENED DOOR WHERE BLUES WON’T HAUNT YOU ANYMORE FOR THE BRAVE ARE FREE AND LOVERS SOAR COME RIDE WITH ME TO THE DISTANT SHORE.
WE WON’T HESITATE TO BREAK DOWN THE GUARDING GATE. THERE’S NOT MUCH TIME LEFT TODAY. YEAY.
LIFE IS A HIGHWAY, I WANNA RIDE IT ALL NIGHT LONG. IF YOU’RE GOING MY WAY, I WANNA DRIVE IT ALL NIGHT LONG
GIMMIE, GIMMIE, GIMMIE, GIMME, YEAH!
LIFE IS A HIGHWAY, I WANNA RIDE IT ALL NIGHT LONG. IF YOU’RE GOING MY WAY, I WANNA DRIVE IT ALL NIGHT LONG
[OTTER, ROBIN, LEMMING, and FROG stand together.]
OTTER Toad’s really gotten out of control.
ROBIN This is one habit I wish she’d move on from. The Wind in the Willows 11.
LEMMING She’s nearly run down every critter in the county.
FROG But still, she makes a lovely cup of tea.
[Enter BADGER.]
BADGER Toad was apprehended by the police.
FROG What?! They have no right!
BADGER They have every right!
FROG I’m sorry. I don’t know what ‘apprehended’ means.
ROBIN It means she was arrested.
OTTER What has she done?
[Enter RAT and MOLE.]
RAT She’s stolen a car.
LEMMING Stolen?!
FROG No, no, no. Swollen. She’s swollen a car.
MOLE No, Froggy. She’s stolen a car.
FROG Stolen?!
OTTER Why would she steal a car? The woman can buy dozens! The Wind in the Willows 12.
BADGER She already has - and was destroying her fortune.
RAT We blocked her account at the bank so she couldn’t buy any more.
ROBIN Can you really block her account?
BADGER I can - ever since she signed control of her finances to me.
LEMMING When did she do that?
BADGER Three years ago. I handed her the agreement and she signed it.
OTTER Did she know what she was signing?
BADGER She learned three days ago.
RAT We stopped her - cold turkey.
FROG Don’t you call me a cold turkey, you... bag of fleas!
MOLE ‘Cold turkey’ means ‘ no more, no exceptions’.
FROG I should really read more.
RAT Come, let’s see if we can’t reason with the sheriff.
[Exit all. Enter WEASEL, STOAT and MINK. They had been listening.]
WEASEL Sooo, Toad’s gotten herself into some hot water. The Wind in the Willows 13.
MINK Really? By the conversation, I thought she’d gotten into jail.
STOAT You’re a nitwit.
MINK Thank you. I always thought I was a bit witty.
WEASEL (ignoring Mink) I like Badger’s style - slipping Toad that ‘agreement’.
STOAT And Toad signed it blind.
MINK This poor Toad! First she’s blind, then she’s in hot water...
WEASEL AND... if we know one thing about Toad...
STOAT It’s that she doesn’t learn her lessons very well.
WEASEL Let’s get some disguises...
MINK Ooo! I love dress up!
SCENE 4
[TOAD sits alone.]
TOAD Poor Toad. All alone. Where’s your friends, Toad? I don’t have any. Poor Toad.
[Enter WEASEL, STOAT and MINK, disguised as lawyers.]
WEASEL Hullo, ma’am! You seem down on your luck! The Wind in the Willows 14.
STOAT What are you in for?
WEASEL Are you the one who stole the car?
MINK Stealing? Tsk, tsk! Cheaters never prosper!
TOAD I didn’t mean to steal.
STOAT Of course you didn’t.
TOAD I asked the people if I could take their new car for a test drive.
MINK But you didn’t bring it back.
TOAD I couldn’t bring it back! It went all crazy!
WEASEL You don’t say!
TOAD It went flying off the road!
STOAT You’re lucky to be alive!
WEASEL Imagine! Giving you a faulty vehicle!
STOAT You could have been killed!
WEASEL It should be them in here, not you!
STOAT They’re the criminals.
MINK You should press charges against them! The Wind in the Willows 15.
TOAD Yes, yes, yes! (pause) Who are you?
WEASEL The answer to your prayers!
STOAT We, my dear Toad, are your new lawyers.
MINK Simply sign here.
TOAD Gladly.
MINK And here. And here. Initial here. Wonderful!
WEASEL (laughing) Well, you’ve done it, Ms. Toad. Congratulations.
[The three remove their disguises.]
STOAT We’ll be leaving now.
TOAD Weasel? Stoat? Mink? What is this?
GOODBYE AND THANK YOU
GOODBYE AND THANK YOU, MS. TOADY. YOU’VE COMPLETED YOUR TASK, WHAT MORE CAN WE ASK OF YOU NOW? YOU’VE SIGNED TO US OWNERSHIP OF TOAD HALL AND THAT WILL BE ALL. IF WE NEED YOU WE’LL CALL, BUT I DON’T THINK THAT’S LIKELY SOMEHOW.
OH, BUT IT’S SAD WHEN THE WOOL’S O’ER YOUR EYES AND WHEN YOU’VE LOST ALL THAT YOU’VE GOT... BUT LOSERS ARE WEEPERS AND WE ARE THE KEEPERS; WHICH MEANS— The Wind in the Willows 16.
[They blow raspberries.]
OH, BUT IT’S SAD WHEN THE WOOL’S O’ER YOUR EYES!
[Exit Weasel, Stoat and Mink.
Enter BADGER, RAT, MOLE, OTTER, ROBIN, FROG and LEMMING.]
ROBIN Good news, Toad! Badger has worked a miracle.
FROG Hallelujah!
LEMMING He’s given the car owners money to repair their car and enough to buy a second one!
OTTER In exchange, they’ve dropped the charges against you.
MOLE You’re free, Ms. Toad. Isn’t that wonderful?
ROBIN Don’t you feel like smiling?
FROG Here, let me help.
[Frog stretches Toad’s mouth into a smile.]
TOAD I’ve done a terrible thing!
BADGER Yes, but let’s hope this arrest marks the end of your troubles.
TOAD I signed Toad Hall over to Weasel’s gang!
[All stand, dumbfounded. Lemming faints.] The Wind in the Willows 17.
SCENE 5
BADGER, RAT, TOAD, MOLE, LEMMING and FROG. OTTER and ROBIN enter and join them.]
OTTER Weasel’s gang is inside the Hall.
ROBIN With every other weasel and stoat they could pull out of the deep forest.
LEMMING How many villains are in there?
OTTER Too many to fight.
FROG We need a plan - something as sneaky as those rascals.
TOAD There’s no hope. The Toads shall live at Toad Hall no more.
BADGER There is hope. Your mother built a secret entrance into Toad Hall.
[Toad is surprised and shows signs of disbelief.]
RAT She didn’t tell you because she knew you’re a blabber-mouth.
TOAD You’re a blabber-mouth! You told everyone Frog still sleeps with a teddy bear!
[Frog’s eyes snap wide as everyone stares.]
RAT No, Toad. You just did.
ROBIN So, we sneak in and we take the signed paper back. The Wind in the Willows 18.
LEMMING Right. We destroy it and refuse to admit it ever existed.
MOLE This is all very exciting.
BADGER It may be, but don’t let your excitement out. We must move in silence.
FROG (explaining) Mr. Buttons helps me sleep.
SCENE 6
[BADGER, RAT, MOLE, TOAD, OTTER, LEMMING, ROBIN, and FROG creep in single file.
OTTER (passing word down the line) Badger says we’re directly under Toad Hall.
LEMMING This tunnel is scary, eh, Moley?
MOLE Actually, I’m feeling quite at home.
BADGER Hush, back there!
HEAR US
MY FRIENDS, HEED DEAR BADGER’S CALL SOFTLY NOW OUR FEET MUST FALL WE’LL SURPRISE THOSE VILLAINS ALL LONG AS THEY DON’T HEAR US! The Wind in the Willows 19.
TROUBLE HAVE THOSE WEASELS MADE IN TOAD’S GREAT HOUSE THEY HAVE STRAYED BUT JUSTICE WON’T BE DELAYED LONG AS THEY DON’T HEAR US!
COME JOIN IN THE LINE ADD TO THE MARCHING FEET COME JOIN IN THE LINE WE WON’T ACCEPT DEFEAT COME JOIN IN THE LINE— OUR TASK WILL BE COMPLETE LONG AS THEY DON’T HEAR US!
[In the following stanza, Rat and Badger are calling for the others to quiet down, but the other misinterpret their calls, thinking they are joining the song.]
STOP! AND PAY ATTENTION THERE SILENCE! IS OUR GREAT ALLY HERE TOADY! WILL LEAD YOU WITHOUT FEAR LONG AS THEY DON’T HEAR US! CALM! YES, STEADY UP YOUR NERVE STILL! THEY’LL GET WHAT THEY DESERVE PLEASE! KNOW JUSTICE WILL BE SERVED LONG AS THEY DON’T HEAR US!
COME JOIN IN THE LINE. JOIN! ADD TO THE MARCHING FEET COME JOIN IN THE LINE. JOIN! WE WON’T ACCEPT DEFEAT COME JOIN IN THE LINE JOIN! JOIN! JOIN! OUR TASK WILL BE COMPLETE LONG AS THEY DON’T HEAR US!
[HARMONIC VOCALIZATIONS RISE TO A CACOPHONY OF NOISE]
[SINGING AT THE TOP OF THEIR VOICES…] GRANT US STRENGTH AND WE WILL RISE GIVE WEASELS A SORE SURPRISE AND TOAD HALL WILL BE OUR PRIZE LONG AS THEY DON’T HEAR US!
COME JOIN IN THE LINE. JOIN! ADD TO THE MARCHING FEET COME JOIN IN THE LINE JOIN! WE WON’T ACCEPT DEFEAT The Wind in the Willows 20.
COME JOIN IN THE LINE JOIN! JOIN! JOIN! JOIN! JOIN! JOIN! COME JOIN IN THE LINE JOIN! JOIN! JOIN! JOIN! JOIN! COME JOIN IN THE LINE—! JOIN! JOIN! OUR TASK WILL BE COMPLETE LONG AS THEY DON’T HEAR US!
[Harmonic vocalizations start again until they realize WEASEL, STOAT and MINK have found them. All scream and scatter, except Badger, Rat, and Mole. The first two stomp off, frustrated. Mole follows, slipping behind Weasel.]
WEASEL Do you believe that?
MINK Yeah. How’d they dig this tunnel so fast?
STOAT (ignoring Mink) They wanted our paper back. (to Weasel) You’ve got it safe, right?
WEASEL Safe as a baby. I don’t let it get further from me than my back pock—.
STOAT What? (pause) WHAT?!
SCENE 7
[TOAD, BADGER, RAT, MOLE, OTTER, ROBIN, FROG and LEMMING trudge onstage.]
BADGER (angry) Well, congratulations, Toad. You spoiled our only advantage.
TOAD It’s all over. No more Toad Hall. The Wind in the Willows 21.
MOLE There, there, Toad. Take this.
[Mole offers Toad a piece of paper. Toad takes it and blows her nose in it.]
TOAD Ouch! This isn’t a tissue.
LEMMING Toad, isn’t that your signature?
FROG It’s snot!
LEMMING (taking paper) It is her signature. Look.
FROG Yes - and that is snot.
[Lemming drops paper. Enter Weasel, Stoat and Mink.]
WEASEL Give us that paper!
ROBIN I don’t think you want it.
MINK Why wouldn’t we? It’s ours! (picks it up then drops it) Ewww!
RAT That paper was signed by trickery.
OTTER We’re going to destroy it and the police will force you from Toad Hall.
STOAT You think you can fight us and all our friends. The Wind in the Willows 22.
BADGER No. But right now, it’s just you.
OTTER (punching palm) Forgot to bring them down with you, didn’t you?
[Weasel, Stoat and Mink run. Badger and Otter chase them a few steps then stop.]
ROBIN Let’s get the police and get that rabble out.
TOAD Moley, you saved Toad Hall. How can I ever repay you?
MOLE I think my friends would appreciate it if you stopped your bad habits.
TOAD I swear to not be caught up by crazy contraptions.
[A loud rushing overhead shakes the group.]
OTTER What in the blazes was that?
RAT A steam locomotive. They finished the track last week.
TOAD (softly) Whoo-whoo.
LEMMING Oh, dear.
HOLD ON TO ME AS WE GO AS WE ROLL DOWN THIS UNFAMILIAR ROAD AND ALTHOUGH THIS WAVE IS STRINGING US ALONG JUST KNOW YOU’RE NOT ALONE ‘CAUSE I’M GONNA MAKE THIS PLACE YOUR HOME.
THE END