Online Dating: The Path to True Love? By Linda (Zajac) Stroud, Maryville University St. Louis
Julia is a beautiful, vivacious and successful 32-year-old woman who is married to the man of her dreams, Joe – my nephew. As we sat in my mother’s living room, I was mesmerized as she walked me through the story of how they met. Her eyes sparkled and her smile was genuine as she relayed the details. To anyone watching and listening to her, it’s clear – they are extremely happy, extraordinarily compatible and very much in love.
My nephew and his new wife are unique from so many other couples I know, because of how they met. Online.
Julia and Joe had both been on eHarmony for about a month when they were matched. They lived two hours from each other at the time, making it unlikely the two ever would’ve met without the dating site. After just one week of communicating through eHarmony, the two exchanged phone numbers and quickly decided they needed to meet. “We both enjoyed our phone conversations so much and we wanted to know quickly if it had the potential to go somewhere.” Julia said during our conversation. “We agreed we didn’t want to waste a lot of time talking on the phone if we didn’t enjoy spending time together face to face.”
Since they lived two hours apart, they decided to meet in the middle in Charlottesville, Virginia. Following the recommended precautions for meeting someone new, they met at a downtown-walking mall where they shared sushi and Sweet Frog frozen yogurt. Julia beams as she relates, “We just walked and talked for six hours. It was amazing! It was the most comfortable I’ve ever been on a first date.”
The two were engaged 10 months after they were matched and married just four months after their engagement. Theirs is a romance fit for the “success stories” page on the eHarmony website.
Julia attributes their success to the specialized algorithms used by eHarmony in matching couples. “You know off the bat that if you are matched with someone, they have the things that you’ve listed as being important to you. You don’t have to weed out the people that don’t have what you’re looking for.”
As a single woman who is quickly approaching 50, with a couple of failed marriages on my personal resume, I left that conversation wondering if I will ever find that kind of happiness. I also can’t help but wonder if there is something to eHarmony -- and online dating in general. Are Joe and Julia the exception or the rule? Do online dating sites really give those longing for love a better shot at finding it?
To answer those questions, I decided to dig a little deeper. I found a great deal of skepticism along with a little hope. As online dating becomes more and more mainstream, there are success stories and horror stories along with a slew of social scientists who are studying it and a bevy of journalists trying to make sense of it. The consensus seems to be that online dating can provide a larger pool of potential dates to choose from, but that online dating – like more traditional dating – is not a sure thing.
But what are the numbers? Here’s where it gets tricky -- and confusing. According to U.S. Census figures, 44 percent of adult Americans are single. According to the Pew Research Internet Project, 38 percent of those who are “single and looking” for a partner have used online dating sites and mobile apps with nearly one quarter of those online daters reporting they have entered into a marriage or long-term relationship with someone they met through the dating site or app.
So – almost 25 percent (result in long-term relationships) of the 38 percent (the ones who are looking) of the 44 percent (who are single) have a shot. It’s enough to make your head spin! The figures might sound compelling, but they don’t tell us much, because we don’t really know the exact number associated with the 38 percent of adults who are looking.
John Tierney reports in his New York Times’ article “A Match Made in the Code,” that eHarmony has gathered answers to their profile questionnaires from 44 million people. Tierney states eHarmony claims client matches from those questionnaires have led to more than a half million marriages since 2005. Doing some simple math, I come up with a success rate of 0.01 percent for eHarmony. I find that figure discouraging, especially in light of the recent eHarmony ad that claims “studies prove” that eHarmony is ranked first in marriages associated with online dating sites.
After all my research, it seems Joe and Julia may actually be the exception – the success story many of us hope for, but may never find.
For that 38 percent of Americans who are single, looking and finding it hard to meet people in the course of their crazy-busy lives, online dating can open up a world of options. We singles just have to keep our expectations realistic and understand that in life there is no guarantee most of us will find that special person to connect with. If we do, we’re very, very lucky.
In spite of all the facts, figures, studies and debate, online dating still might be worth a try. You never know.
It’s like the scene from “Dumb and Dumber” where Jim Carrey’s character asks Lauren Holly’s character – a woman clearly out of his league – what the chances are that they’ll ever be together. When Holly’s character replies that his chances are about one in a million, Carrey grins and exclaims, “So you’re telling me there’s a chance!” That’s the kind of optimist I am.
Related: A Match Made in the Code nytimes.com
Does Online Dating Make It Harder to Find ‘the One’? Time.com
Online Dating Has Its Pros and Cons, Meta-Analysis Says The Washington Post