Goldfarb Secedes from College, the U.S. Admisssions Strives For

WHO'S WHO: Goldfarb secedes from College, the U.S. KNOW YOUR VANDALS The Spa was quickly declared By AL-POP & Mystery neutral territory because neither THE BETH-ICLE side was willing or able to give up NEWS QUEENS quesadilla privileges. "Just think The Goldfarb Center for Pub- of the Spa as midnight munchies pooper lic Affairs and Civic Engagement Switzerland," Maisel said. declared its independence from "No one wants to be on the the College this Sunday, May 2. wrong side of history," Dean of unveils An official notice e-mailed that Students and Nation Ambassador afternoon by King of Kings of Conversations-elect Jim Ter- "Lear" Sandy Maisel affirmed hune said. "Like Dylan said, the the Goldfarb Center's intention times they are a-changing, and we dirty past to secede from the United States all need to get on board." By BRICHAEL MOPHY in the same move. "Jim, too?" Bro said, a tear INVESTIGATIVE RE-POOPER The Goldfarb Center will no w be trickling out the comer of his right called the Glorious Maisel Nation eye. "But., but." Bro excused him- It's late Saturday evening; you for Pubic Affairs and Civic Engage- self from the interview at this go back to your room and plop ment— the "Nation" for short. point, saying he was "too bereft" down on your futon after a hard Due to the Nation's small arse- to continue. day's night of drinking. Suddenly nal of nuclear arms procured in a With faculty caught in the fray, you catch a whiff of some rank trade agreement with North students will inevitably be forced smell, and it isn't the cologne of Korea, the College has decided to choose, too. But Maisel has a that hockey player you were mak- not to challenge the claim. plan for that. ing out with earlier. You sniff The arsenal was made possible "The rules of the College will around the room to find the source by the close relation- not apply to the of this pungent scent when all of a ship that Maisel has Nation, he said. TMZ.COM sudden you hear a soft squish with Supreme I've been "Forget under- King of Kings L. Sandy Maisel and BFF Kim Jong-II discuss nuclear arms, civic engagement. under your shoe. Leader of North 21, everyone is You may not know him by Korea Kim Jong-II played... invited—encour- sight, but you know him by scent. himself. Maisel and I'm just not aged, even—to Students explore unhealthy The mystery pooper is the most Kim have an estab- drink hard alco- deviant serial dorm damager cam- lished rapport, ever sure where hol here." pus has seen in years and even since their time to- the College Bro said he alternatives to hard alcohol makes the Mariner freshmen look gether at Harvard predicted such a On the other end of the adminis- the College is now facing a "potential like West Quad. After terrorizing University, where will go from move, and be- By SECRET DRUNK trative spectrum, Rachel Hender- epidemic" of female obesity. Due to the Hill all year with his fresh they formed the here. I mean, lieves that this A LIFE LIVED, A LIE son, the College's alcohol what Berkner described as "chugguv feces, Colby's Mystery Pooper fi- Brotherhood of Fu- will be Maisel's The Orloff runs dry in these coordinator, is encouraging students yeast," recurringinstances of female nally came clean this week in an ture world Leaders what will Bob first step in de- parts. Super-short dresses and to be proactive and to embrace the beer-chugging are leading to what exclusive interview with the Echo. (BFL) after an un- Diamond veloping a cult of brightly colored cocktails no longer coming atmosphere of beer and Berkner describes as "Fat-chick Syn- The Mystery Pooper 's defunct successful attempt personality mingle with each other. The wine tolerance. "One of the good drome" (the Bowdoin College Story). defecation goes way beyond his ar- with Warriors Taking think? amongst his un- pregame—as students know it— things about the ban is that you can Increases in the female body rival at the College. "I have a rare over Forcefully , derlings. slowly dies as the College shifts to- drink lower grade alcohol with more mass index have completely trans- condition called aquaductophobia. (WTF). Bro Adams In an exclu- ward becoming a dry, soulless Hill ease. You no longer have to fear formed the College's mindset. It's the fear of indoor plumbing," Maisel has also President of Colby sive interview in the middle of Maine. being persecuted for socializing," No longer is body image a concern he said. "Both my parents are trained for years with with The Echo, With the recent passage of a hard Henderson said. amongst females: the stereotypical French, so we had a bidet in my Yoda in the swamps Commanding alcohol ban, many students fear that While some continue to fill then- skinny girl has tripled in size, now house. I don't want to go into de- of Dagobah where he has learned Empress of the Nation Patrice the College is transitioning from a shot glasses and cups with shots coming to love the full offerings oi tails, but I had a traumatic bidet ex- to master The Force. "Mab" Franko expressed her ela- degree-seeking booze-cruise to an and high-proof concoctions, the die dining halls. The College has es- perience at a pretty young age." President of the College Bro tion over the secession. 'This is a AA-sponsored police state. majority of students are taking tablished a supportive sisterhood foi If his dimension isn't alcohol Adams expressed his deep sadness smart move," she said. "It 's been "I'm just being me," said Jay Henderson's words into considera- the happier, plus-sized population. related, then why does he wait till over the loss of the Goldfarb Cen- in the works for years." Gerbomb '12, "you don't know tion. Preparing for life on a post- Because shallow males have been the witching hours of weekend ter and Maisel, whom he believed Franko also shared a previously me." Students such as Gerbomb are proof Hill, students are substituting faced with a sassier, wide-hippedpop- nights to unload his anxiety? The to be a dear friend. undisclosed anecdote about the pointing their fingers at what ap- beer and wine for hard alcohol. ulation requiring more calories to get short answer is it is the only he "I've been played," he said, BFL's infant days. As she tells it, pears to be an increasingly dis- According to recent statistics re- buzzed, a small number of men are thinks he can get away with it. shaking his head soberly. "I really the BFL almost ended before it tanced College administration. leased by the Health Center, the ban turning to other substances to cope "Have you seen the shit that thought we had something. I'm could truly blossom. Franko was The administration has faced has produced mixed results. with their spry reproductiveurges rag- goes down here on the weekends just not sure where the College caught in a passionate love trian- many slurred words and some in- The male population—used to ing in their southern regions. "Beezin," (no pun intended)?," he said. "If will go from here. I mean, what gle between Jong-II and Maisel— stances of wall-punching in such drinking nauseating amounts of Natty crystal meth, and alcoholism have each people are willing to turn a blind will Bob Diamond think?" a traumatic era from which no classic alcoholic dorms. Light and Milwaukee's Best due to the developed followings on the Hill, pro- eye to some kid launching a couch The College is already begin- party has truly recovered. In an attempt to calm the frenzy current economic crisis—has transi- viding males an escape from theii out of the window of Heights then ning to feel the effects of the se- Maisel has learned from this of sobriety concerns, Prez Bro tioned with relatively few problems. close-mindednotions of beauty. they definitely won't say anything cession. Professors and faculty experience, though, and will not Adams sent out a strategic email of- Dorm damage has decreased signifi- Regardless of the law, health to some kid crouched in the comer alike are choosing sides. While let such things interfere with his fering some consolation. cantly,and the football team is foresee- concerns and social stigma, students with his pants at half-mast." some have refused to recognize quest for global dominance. "We just want our GPA's higher ing a winning seasonin the coming fell. on the Hill continue their quest to "Listen, Colby, this is something Maisel's Declaration of Independ- "First step: Colby and the than our BAC's," Adams wrote, "and For female students on the Hill, Dr. fill their solo cups with that prover- real. It's not going away," he said, ence, the majority is quickly mov- United States. Next up: the World. apparently in order to get that up, I'm Paul Berkner cited an alarming trend: bial drank of life. Where there is a Dr. Paul Berkner recommends ing to align itself with the Be forewarned." going to have to go down on you with while merewas a notable decrease in will for self-destruction, there is a stocking up on Febreeze, or more newfound Nation. hard, pressingcircumstances. "* the number visits to Maine General, bottle, can or keg within reach.

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