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Hell on Earth in Kim's Absence

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Hell on Earth in Kim's Absence ID•4 TODAY Hottie of the Week Windstorm SUPEREGO•7 TONIGHT Sudoku Rainbow EGO•5.5 TOMORROW Hot Sudoku THE JACK-O-LANTERN’S OLDEST CollEGE PARODY. FOUNDED 1908. Munchkins, Color Vol. MAX. VOLUME EXCEEDED 734752 Days Since January 1, 0 AD 50 Cents/A wink n’ a smile Successful Hell on earth in Mob Busts Kim’s absencepromptly flung a stone at Younger’s By DANTE N. FERNO The Dartmovth Staff temple, assassinating him. Hanover Inspire New Police declined to comment on the Campus descended into anarchic incident, as they no longer exist. College Al- chaos and despair Tuesday afternoon, Students scoured the body for immediately after President Jim valuables. Yong Kim’s resignation. Students A sense of somber reflection cohol Policy and staff, emotionally paralyzed overhung the festivities at the by the news, wailed in pain by the Class of 2015 Orgy Pit, formerly By KOPP N. ROBERTS smoldering ruins of Parkhurst Hall. the President’s Lawn. “It used to The Dartmovth Staff They remembered Kim as holding be fun, coming to fool around on students’ best interests above all else, the president’s lawn,” said Cole The recently announced college and bemoaned their current state in a Renfield ‘13. “Now we just do it to drinking policies are based on federal world without him. Only an attack by momentarily forget that the universe efforts to stop organized crime, a roving gang of hazers, known as the is a dark, purposeless place that according to a statement by Dean Pledges of Allegiance, could break provides no reason for living.” He of the College Marmot Swanson. the crowd from its stupor. then dismounted his partner, noting The statement comes in the midst “A dark sun dawns on this she had already died of cholera. She The scene outside Baker Library twenty minutes after Kim’s departure. of increasing criticism that the new day,” student body president Steven is among the over fifteen hundred policies do not reflect student input. Younger ‘13 said in an official students to succumb to the outbreak. Bohmann ‘15. She says she has potential for a happy and healthy “We wanted to let students statement. Standing atop a feces Students also lamented the price know that we didn’t just pull these to wake up early each morning to future are only shadows of what pile in the Green’s newly assembled of food on the post-Kim campus. siphon gas and hunt for her own food could have been. The office of the policies out of our behinds” she said shantytown, he called the period in “Shantytown Dining Services are in an interview with the Dartmouth. in the Badlands. “Kim never would Center for Health Care Delivery Dartmouth history “an age of infinite charging a half-gallon of gasoline have let this go on.” “These are the same tactics the FBI woe.” An unidentified onlooker for a nibble at a femur?” said Erica used to take down the Gambino Reminders to Dartmouth’s faded See CHAOS REIGNS, page 7 crime family.” Swanson explained that she felt this message was needed to reassure Ambitious ‘16 Starts students following the outcry Dr. Seuss Still Dead against the administration and its By LAUREL X. GRINCH among the living,” said President new policies last week. This surge The Dartmovth Staff Carol Folt in a statement to campus Resume-Padding Club of student opposition came after a after the report’s publication. “We Founder, President, Vice-President, weekend including both a raid on are still reeling from his death and By O. VERA-CHIVER In a disappointing report by Secretary, CPA, and Social Media a pong tournament by Safety and subsequent state of being dead.” The Dartmovth Staff the Dartmouth Alumni Magazine, Coordinator of the Dartmouth Re- Security that destroyed several doors Geisel graduated Dartmouth Theodor Geisel ‘25, better known sume-Padding Club. and tables in the Lambda Epsilon in 1925, and went on to become Zachary Lord ‘16 has always as Dr. Seuss, was still dead as of Posting flyers on the wall in No- house (“Pong Tourney Takes Wrong- a world-renowned author and been a driven young man. “By the press time. He died September 24th, vack for his new “Zach Talks” semi- Turny,” Jul. 15) and allegations from illustrator. Other alumni have time I was five, I was already a black 1991, and according to all available nar, featuring talks by successful mo- a few anonymous Greek-affiliated graduated between 1925 and today, belt in a martial arts I created in just evidence, has remained dead ever tivational speaker Zachary Lord ‘16, students that the administration but, as everyone here agrees, Geisel a single morning,” said Lord in an since. he seemed optimistic about the future was involved with the recent was the only one worth giving two interview with the Dartmovth. He “It is with a saddened heart that of the club. “My aim is to make this disappearance of Adrian Garcia ’14 I must announce to you that our shits about. has now taken his competitive drive most beloved alumnus remains not “Ted discussed cryogenics with to another level, by becoming the See RESUME, page 3 See ALCOHOL, page 3 his friend Walt [Disney],” said Professor Colin Proust, who has AFTER THE FRAT RUSH written three books on Geisel and how special he was. “But he never went through with it. It is making the reanimation process very difficult.” Reanimation of Geisel’s lifeless corpse was first attempted by Dartmouth Medical School professor Dr. Stan Franken, who has rallied the entire school around his cause. As part of the school’s initiative to concentrate its efforts on resurrecting Geisel, they have named the school in his honor. “Dr. Seuss will be so impressed when he sees that we are now the Geisel School of Medicine,” said second-year medical student Matt Pardi. “I cannot wait to yoke it Technically, Programming Board’s “Wild West Ghost Town” Party was an unprecedented success. Ted Geisel ‘25 after an early attempt at making him not dead anymore. See SEUSS, page 9 Blahnover, New Blahshire www.dartmouth.edu/~jacko/v2 Sloppywrite © 2012 hte darrmuvht, incoprated Page 2 The Dartmovth NEWS Spunday Septober 46, 2012 DailyDebriefsing AD Found To Have No Basement No One Wins In Actual Landslide By DAWN STARES The Dartmovth Staff OAKVILLE, WA- In a surprising turn of events that left 73 dead and 0 survivors, a devastating landslide Tuesday afternoon made everyone in its wake a definitive loser. Collapsing the physical grounds of Town Hall, even local favorite Councilman Clyde A brother of the Alpha Delta fra- MacMurphy was no match for the barreling wall of earth and debris. “When the ternity was shocked to discover last landslide started out as just a trickle of dirt, it seemed like it would be anybody’s game,” week that the fraternity’s notorious said fire chief Sal Serafini. “In retrospect, it was nobody’s.” Thousands of grieving friends and family members are finding it difficult to resign to their loved ones’ untimely basement is actually a product of an defeats. As of press time, there are no candidates to fill the vacated positions in their inebriated mind. Albert Williams ’14 anguished hearts. Phyllis Mossman, widow of Mayor Allen Mossman, stated, “When I walked down the stairs to the build- got the news that my husband had fallen short of not getting his body pummeled by dirt, trees, and construction materials, I was humbled. Truly humbled.” Office clerk Margaret ing’s lower level to do laundry, when Lasky had a chance to come out on top, but she suffocated before breaching the topsoil. to his horror, he saw nothing but an unused washer and dryer. Loneliest Number Discovered At CERN “Wait a minute. Guys, has anyone GENEVA SWITZERLAND- A tremendous mathematical discovery has been announced actually been down here sober? Has at CERN Laboratories: a number with a higher loneliness index than any other known integer. This finding challenges the long-held assumption that 1 is the loneliest number, anyone not been blacked out?!” he with 2 being the loneliest number since the number 1. CERN mathematicians, however, asked a room of incredulous brothers, have located a 3,304-digit integer several miles beneath the surface of the Swiss Alps, moaning all on its lonesome, “It’s just no good anymore since you went away, Three who all shook their heads. Hundred Trillion!” Researchers explain that the integer is a prime number. In addition, “We noticed this years ago,” said it has been deemed “ugly and stupid” by its neighboring numbers, who don’t want anything to do with it. Extensive testing has proven, to the 99.99% percentile, the Safety and Security chief Steven Ji- famous Hutton-Wells hypothesis that some numbers are kind of jerks and really need to ckles. “Students usually avoid the get a hold of themselves. so-called ‘basement’. When they do enter the fraternity, they are in such an World Religions Clap In Unison To Keep God Alive altered state of mind that they simply VATICAN CITY- Citing a lack of belief in all things magic and wonderful these days, stand around the ground floor in some members of every religion took it upon themselves to join in simultaneous worldwide sort of trance. We can only imagine applause for God’s continued survival. “We do believe in God!” they repeated what they think they’re doing.” He desperately as they harnessed the eternal power of hope in their swollen red hands. “Oh, I do hope it works!” said Protestant Elaine Haddigan, tears streaming down across her added, chuckling, “It really is a nice maniacally large smile.
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