Id•4 Today Hottie of the Week Windstorm Superego•7 Tonight Sudoku Rainbow Ego•5.5 Tomorrow Hot Sudoku The Jack-O-Lantern’s Oldest College Parody. Founded 1908. Munchkins, Color Vol. MAX. VOLUME EXCEEDED 734752 Days Since January 1, 0 AD 50 Cents/A wink n’ a smile Successful Hell on earth in Mob Busts Kim’s absencepromptly flung a stone at Younger’s By DANTE N. FERNO The Dartmovth Staff temple, assassinating him. Hanover Inspire New Police declined to comment on the Campus descended into anarchic incident, as they no longer exist. College Al- chaos and despair Tuesday afternoon, Students scoured the body for immediately after President Jim valuables. Yong Kim’s resignation. Students A sense of somber reflection cohol Policy and staff, emotionally paralyzed overhung the festivities at the by the news, wailed in pain by the Class of 2015 Orgy Pit, formerly By KOPP N. ROBERTS smoldering ruins of Parkhurst Hall. the President’s Lawn. “It used to The Dartmovth Staff They remembered Kim as holding be fun, coming to fool around on students’ best interests above all else, the president’s lawn,” said Cole The recently announced college and bemoaned their current state in a Renfield ‘13. “Now we just do it to drinking policies are based on federal world without him. Only an attack by momentarily forget that the universe efforts to stop organized crime, a roving gang of hazers, known as the is a dark, purposeless place that according to a statement by Dean Pledges of Allegiance, could break provides no reason for living.” He of the College Marmot Swanson. the crowd from its stupor. then dismounted his partner, noting The statement comes in the midst “A dark sun dawns on this she had already died of cholera. She The scene outside Baker Library twenty minutes after Kim’s departure. of increasing criticism that the new day,” student body president Steven is among the over fifteen hundred policies do not reflect student input. Younger ‘13 said in an official students to succumb to the outbreak. Bohmann ‘15. She says she has potential for a happy and healthy “We wanted to let students statement. Standing atop a feces Students also lamented the price know that we didn’t just pull these to wake up early each morning to future are only shadows of what pile in the Green’s newly assembled of food on the post-Kim campus. siphon gas and hunt for her own food could have been. The office of the policies out of our behinds” she said shantytown, he called the period in “Shantytown Dining Services are in an interview with the Dartmouth. in the Badlands. “Kim never would Center for Health Care Delivery Dartmouth history “an age of infinite charging a half-gallon of gasoline have let this go on.” “These are the same tactics the FBI woe.” An unidentified onlooker for a nibble at a femur?” said Erica used to take down the Gambino Reminders to Dartmouth’s faded See CHAOS REIGNS, page 7 crime family.” Swanson explained that she felt this message was needed to reassure Ambitious ‘16 Starts students following the outcry Dr. Seuss Still Dead against the administration and its By LAUREL X. GRINCH among the living,” said President new policies last week. This surge The Dartmovth Staff Carol Folt in a statement to campus Resume-Padding Club of student opposition came after a after the report’s publication. “We Founder, President, Vice-President, weekend including both a raid on are still reeling from his death and By O. VERA-CHIVER In a disappointing report by Secretary, CPA, and Social Media a pong tournament by Safety and subsequent state of being dead.” The Dartmovth Staff the Dartmouth Alumni Magazine, Coordinator of the Dartmouth Re- Security that destroyed several doors Geisel graduated Dartmouth Theodor Geisel ‘25, better known sume-Padding Club. and tables in the Lambda Epsilon in 1925, and went on to become Zachary Lord ‘16 has always as Dr. Seuss, was still dead as of Posting flyers on the wall in No- house (“Pong Tourney Takes Wrong- a world-renowned author and been a driven young man. “By the press time. He died September 24th, vack for his new “Zach Talks” semi- Turny,” Jul. 15) and allegations from illustrator. Other alumni have time I was five, I was already a black 1991, and according to all available nar, featuring talks by successful mo- a few anonymous Greek-affiliated graduated between 1925 and today, belt in a martial arts I created in just evidence, has remained dead ever tivational speaker Zachary Lord ‘16, students that the administration but, as everyone here agrees, Geisel a single morning,” said Lord in an since. he seemed optimistic about the future was involved with the recent was the only one worth giving two interview with the Dartmovth. He “It is with a saddened heart that of the club. “My aim is to make this disappearance of Adrian Garcia ’14 I must announce to you that our shits about. has now taken his competitive drive most beloved alumnus remains not “Ted discussed cryogenics with to another level, by becoming the See RESUME, page 3 See ALCOHOL, page 3 his friend Walt [Disney],” said Professor Colin Proust, who has AFTER THE FRAT RUSH written three books on Geisel and how special he was. “But he never went through with it. It is making the reanimation process very difficult.” Reanimation of Geisel’s lifeless corpse was first attempted by Dartmouth Medical School professor Dr. Stan Franken, who has rallied the entire school around his cause. As part of the school’s initiative to concentrate its efforts on resurrecting Geisel, they have named the school in his honor. “Dr. Seuss will be so impressed when he sees that we are now the Geisel School of Medicine,” said second-year medical student Matt Pardi. “I cannot wait to yoke it Technically, Programming Board’s “Wild West Ghost Town” Party was an unprecedented success. Ted Geisel ‘25 after an early attempt at making him not dead anymore. See SEUSS, page 9

Blahnover, New Blahshire www.dartmouth.edu/~jacko/v2 Sloppywrite © 2012 hte darrmuvht, incoprated Page 2 The Dartmovth NEWS Spunday Septober 46, 2012 DailyDebriefsing AD Found To Have No Basement No One Wins In Actual Landslide By DAWN STARES The Dartmovth Staff OAKVILLE, WA- In a surprising turn of events that left 73 dead and 0 survivors, a devastating landslide Tuesday afternoon made everyone in its wake a definitive loser. Collapsing the physical grounds of Town Hall, even local favorite Councilman Clyde A brother of the Alpha Delta fra- MacMurphy was no match for the barreling wall of earth and debris. “When the ternity was shocked to discover last landslide started out as just a trickle of dirt, it seemed like it would be anybody’s game,” week that the fraternity’s notorious said fire chief Sal Serafini. “In retrospect, it was nobody’s.” Thousands of grieving friends and family members are finding it difficult to resign to their loved ones’ untimely basement is actually a product of an defeats. As of press time, there are no candidates to fill the vacated positions in their inebriated mind. Albert Williams ’14 anguished hearts. Phyllis Mossman, widow of Mayor Allen Mossman, stated, “When I walked down the stairs to the build- got the news that my husband had fallen short of not getting his body pummeled by dirt, trees, and construction materials, I was humbled. Truly humbled.” Office clerk Margaret ing’s lower level to do laundry, when Lasky had a chance to come out on top, but she suffocated before breaching the topsoil. to his horror, he saw nothing but an unused washer and dryer. Loneliest Number Discovered At CERN “Wait a minute. Guys, has anyone GENEVA SWITZERLAND- A tremendous mathematical discovery has been announced actually been down here sober? Has at CERN Laboratories: a number with a higher loneliness index than any other known integer. This finding challenges the long-held assumption that 1 is the loneliest number, anyone not been blacked out?!” he with 2 being the loneliest number since the number 1. CERN mathematicians, however, asked a room of incredulous brothers, have located a 3,304-digit integer several miles beneath the surface of the Swiss Alps, moaning all on its lonesome, “It’s just no good anymore since you went away, Three who all shook their heads. Hundred Trillion!” Researchers explain that the integer is a prime number. In addition, “We noticed this years ago,” said it has been deemed “ugly and stupid” by its neighboring numbers, who don’t want anything to do with it. Extensive testing has proven, to the 99.99% percentile, the Safety and Security chief Steven Ji- famous Hutton-Wells hypothesis that some numbers are kind of jerks and really need to ckles. “Students usually avoid the get a hold of themselves. so-called ‘basement’. When they do enter the fraternity, they are in such an World Religions Clap In Unison To Keep God Alive altered state of mind that they simply VATICAN CITY- Citing a lack of belief in all things magic and wonderful these days, stand around the ground floor in some members of every religion took it upon themselves to join in simultaneous worldwide sort of trance. We can only imagine applause for God’s continued survival. “We do believe in God!” they repeated what they think they’re doing.” He desperately as they harnessed the eternal power of hope in their swollen red hands. “Oh, I do hope it works!” said Protestant Elaine Haddigan, tears streaming down across her added, chuckling, “It really is a nice maniacally large smile. “I just know it will!” Just two months ago theologians at over basement. They could set up a nice forty different laboratories noticed a dramatic decrease in God’s love aura level, citing ping-pong table there.” instances of doubt and apathy to His word as its cause. “Without enough love aura in his AD president Carlos Williams heart crystal, yes, the Lord will die,” said Professor Robert Richards, who first proposed Carlos ’13 could barely handle the the radical clapping plan. He estimates that within three days of unbroken clapping, news. “It’s been years, probably de- Colin MacKenzie ‘14 wakes up in AD’s actual lower level. God will wake up and end famine, disease, war, poverty, swearing, and easy access to cades, since we’ve been having par- birth control. “We just have to keep fucking clapping, goddammit!” shouted Richards, ties down there… But, now that I our pledges kept telling us there were tense, when the pong is too fun to prompting the whole thing to start over again. think about it, it kind of makes sense,” no walls at all.” stop, when you truly start to rage, it Compiled by the Quotidian Reports of Recent Events in Underwear Association said Carlos. “None of us can actu- “The AD basement is not so much doesn’t matter where you were. You ally keep straight what the basement a place, but a state of mind,” insists were at AD’s basement.” looked like. I always thought it had a senior Kelly Porterson. “Your night Despite the news, Alpha Delta nice flower mural on the left side. Our may start with some drinking, watch- has no intentions of stopping its par- treasurer, however, told me all four ing a movie, hanging out with friends. ties in its “basement”. They are led Stock Information walls were covered with gruesome But when it gets a certain kind of to wonder, can they really be stopped images of monstrous faces. One of crazy, when the dancing gets so in- at all? Strange Documents Contain “Cur-

Corrections: The Dartmovth welcomes all corrections and clarifications, as long as sive Script,” Reports Professor you try editing and fact-checking a daily college newspaper and see how fucking hard it is. Contact [email protected] or put it in writing and shove it up your ass. By CURLY CUGHES believe he actually got this paper growing support for the ‘just fuckin’ The Dartmovth Staff published in a linguistics journal. The with us’ hypothesis.” According to Back issues: Back issues can be found in a time portal in our archives room. Once guy doesn’t even work in the field,” Campbell, this idea was proposed by through, contact a man named Monsieur Roshet. Dress for nineteenth-century Paris. In a paper published this week in said Patel. “His hypothesis is based Yale linguistics professor in a paper Subscriptions: Watch for door-to-door schoolchildren with clipboards and just try to The Journal of Language, Professor entirely on the fact that he thinks he that concluded, “The dude was just say no. Do not contact the Better Business Bureau to report child labor law infractions. Campbell of the astronomy depart- can actually read the stuff,” Patel ex- fuckin’ with us.” ment proposed a radical new theory plained, adding, “It’s just ridiculous.” Other hypotheses, Campbell that a number of mysterious docu- According to Campbell, his paper noted, are that Sundberg was in fact Newsroom: (603) I-LUV-NEWS E-mail Room: [email protected] ments discovered this April are actu- was met with some support in schol- a charismatic Christian or a devil New S room: (603) I-LUV-THE-S Letter Room: [email protected] Advertising Room: (603) I-LUV-ADS Website Room: www.iluvtheweb.com ally just written in cursive English. arly circles, but “it looks like it’s just worshipper who was “writing in Fax Room: (603) I-LUV-FAX The documents, playfully dubbed going to end up another hypothesis tongues” and that the documents ac- Copyright © 2012 The Dartmovth, Inc. the “Sundberg Scrolls” were found in among many.” tually contain no text at all, but are Printed with the Dartmovth, Ink. the home of Professor Sundberg of the “The most popular alternative rather a form of abstract art. The Dartmovth is a daily news publi- (603)536-2800. Or you can write a let- astronomy department soon after his explanation is still that the writing Professor Chung of the linguistics cation…except on Christmas Day, when ter, you dollarless chump! BOOM! You death. Since then, they have been puz- is some sort of secret code,” Camp- department weighed in on the subject we’re out putting up Christmas lights thought I was done with that didn’t you? zling scholars worldwide. bell explained. “Some have been by saying, “I think in the end we have across the street from your house that ut- “Durrrr, he talking about ads, he surely Despite exhaustive searches, his- investigating Professor Sundberg’s to realize that there are a lot of expla- terly humiliate your poor family. That’s be done with mocking me and me dada.” torical linguists have been unable to life, speculating about what terrible nations out there that look plausible right, we said it. The Christmas lights of THAT’S WHAT YOU SOUND LIKE! identify any language past or present secrets he might have been keeping, in light of the evidence we have so your squalid hovel could never compare How can you stand yourself? Constan- to ours. And that Christmas ham? Please. tine! Butler! Fetch me my buttermilk to fit the text. even in his personal writings. Oth- far. Professor Campbell’s position It looks like you ate that stupid dog of and get this street urchin out of my sight! “Professor Sundberg was one of ers suspect he was a secret agent or has some good supporting arguments yours. To be fair, though, my dad works The Dartmouth is printed on the world’s my closest colleagues,” Campbell a member of some kind of secret so- just like everyone else’s. People are as a top-trader on Wall Street. What does largest collection of models of Snarf from wrote in his paper. “I know his hand- ciety.” so divided over this because right yours do again? Oh, what’s that? A lowly Thundercats. No, they’re not dolls. Men writing. The ‘Sundberg Scrolls’ are According to Campbell, a num- now there’s just not enough evidence school teacher, you say? Well I guess he don’t own dolls. These are collectible, au- just personal writings, journal entries. ber of prominent scholars have pro- to decide one way or the other.” gets a lot of shiny fucking apples. ...What? thentic replicas of the original character. I have one in my hand write now, and posed instead that Sundberg was in What? You angry or some shit, Mayor They have his voice, and several skirts it’s about a vacation to Lake Winnipe- contact with aliens. Professor Patel McCheese? You wanna turn this into a you can dress him up in for fun. But...but rumble? I’ll cut you with a switchblade that’s not, like, girly, because it’s Snarf. saukee with his wife.” is one of the leading proponents of and then sic the police on you. That’s Many scholars, including Profes- this hypothesis. “He was astronomy right, now go eat your apple, poor boy. sor Patel of the linguistics department, department, duh,” explained Patel. The Dartmovth is published by For advertising info, contact us at view Campbell’s new hypothesis as “Some think the whole thing is a The Liberal Jewish Media® [email protected] or an insult to their intelligence. “I can’t hoax,” Campbell said, “and there is The Dartmovth NEWS Spunday Septober 46, 2012 Page 3 A Day In The Life Of A Derby Hat Maiden BY SONNY DAYE navigate the hundreds of overlapping The Dartmovth Staff brims. In the history of Derby, no two sun hats have ever collided. Any This article is Part One of a series failure on the part of a hat maiden and chronicling the lives of Dartmouth she is immediately sent back to her workers. war-torn homeland. “Please no send away,” pleaded Svenya Øskocznik, The pitter patter of tiny bound just after her left shoulder showed feet echoes across the KDE lawn up in a picture that would have been as seven young hat maidens hold totes prof-pic worthy. up the brim of Elizabeth Duncan “Oh, is that what they’re 13’s enormous and elegant sunhat. there for?” said Derby-goer Alex “The bigger the hat, the better the McClintock ‘14 of the uncelebrated girl,” says Duncan from under her heroines of the party. “I mean, august shaded canopy. And she is I didn’t even notice they were right. At this the annual Derby party, there until you asked about them.” hat size is in direct correlation with McClintock is certainly noticeable, social status. As such, partygoers sporting an outfit so bright its colors traditionally enlist the help of hat exist outside the visible spectrum. maidens to hold up the record and He appears completely naked. Cheap trend-setting brims. neon sunglasses sit on the bridge of To live as a hat maiden is no easy his viewable penis shaft. task. They awaken at dawn, dusting Ah, to be young. Frat bros and and primping the brim, and checking sorority sisses mingle joyously all the to make sure the straw weave is tight day away thanks to these happy little and flawless. For hours they sit in on women. Drinks are served by the their mistresses’s dressing ceremony, drink pygmies, and hors d’oeuvres An archival image of the first ever Derby party in Kentucky ca. 1911, during which four hat maidens lost their young addressing her every complaint and by the hors d’oeuvres orphans. lives under the weight of a 500-pound straw hat. Despite the loss of its handlers, the hat won the coveted blue ribbon. complimenting her on her startling Everyone agrees, this year’s might beauty. “We are not worthy!” they be the best Derby in history! cry, to the silent pleasure of their And so, with the sun setting, mistress. the hat maidens daintily tiptoe on Alcohol policy punishes tax evaders, litterers And it’s off to the party! Scores of mangled feet back to their holding sorority sisters and their maidens fill dens. Perchance one day they too ALCOHOL from page 1 reassured students that their input just wish more people would show the back lawn. Maidens are trained might sport such radial brims. But on the new policies is being sought. up to them. They should remember to majestically and competently for now, they dream. (“Garcia Gone; Gamma Gamma She pointed to plans for open to RSVP with their name and student Gamma Goes Gonzo,” Jul. 15). forums in the near future and said ID number, though.” In her message, Swanson the administration is waiting for The new policies, which include directed students curious about feedback from “student informants.” random fraternity raids, authorization ‘16 makes own success the Garcia case to remember the Neil Sherman ’13, president of of Safety and Security officers to statement made by director of Gamma Alpha Gamma fraternity, rush fraternities undercover, closed RESUME from page 1 Besides holding all the existing Safety and Security Happy Grinny described such forums as “unhelpful.” interrogations, fierce crackdowns on positions within the Resume-Pad- the most successful club on campus, that his organization has found “no “We already had a bunch of forums,” littering and other minor violations, which won’t be too hard, as it has al- ding Club, Lord also boasts the title evidence of a connection between he said. “All they did was put us in have been strongly opposed since ready earned the title of ‘Most Suc- of Most Sexed Man He Knows, Best young Adrian’s disappearance and a room with a lot of potted plants their announcement three weeks ago. cessful Club on Campus’ by Z Maga- Friend He Has, Winningest Smile In any misconduct on the part of S&S and telephones and tell us to discuss When asked how students will zine.” He handed me the issue of Z the Zachary Lord Yearly Yearbook officers.” Swanson added, however, college drinking culture.” know if their feedback is having any Magazine, impeccably reproduced of His Life. He has held the title of “Let’s face it: Sometimes you get a Gabrielle Gleason ’14, a member effect on the further development on the back of a brown FoCo napkin. Favorite Son of Arthur & Helen Lord guy on the force who’s watched a few of the Greek Leadership Council of the policies, Swanson responded, Faculty have taken note of Zach- since before birth, when he killed his too many Charles Bronson movies.” and Beta Alpha Gamma sorority, “We’ll have our guys send their guys ary’s efforts. “He kept calling to ask if twin in the womb. In her statement, Swanson also defended the open forums, saying “I a message.” we needed a Commencement Speak- “It’s a competitive environment er,” said Emily Sutherland, former out there,” said Lord. “A great man Assistant to President Kim. Zachary once said, ‘You have to pave your also contacted Tuck professor Jona- own way or get out of the way.’” than Clark, who said, “I do not think When I asked who that great man the CEO of the most lucrative lemon- was, he started backhandedly slap- ade stand in Greenwich, Connecticut ping the sides of my torso as only a is qualified to guest lecture my class. master of Zachjitsu could. “It was Thank you for your offer.” me. Just now,” he said. Page 2 OPINION Spunday Septober 46, 2012

Emma Green EDITORIAL CARTOON I Am Really Peeved ou ever stop to really think and care about What is everything, you ask? Politics, re- Ystuff? I have, and I’ve come to the con- ligion, health care, Greek life, administration clusion that, with the way things are, there are policies, meal plans, the dating scene, alterna- literally tons of reasons for me to be pretty tive social spaces, connotations of the colors ticked. I want you to know that. I am writing green and white, defining “walking distance,” this so that you and many other people know the official rules of Get Out Of Jail Free in how very ticked I am. Monopoly, Chupa Chup lollipops and how To properly describe how I feel, let me you never see them around anymore, bean begin by saying it feels like even things that bag chair consistency, how CDs do and do not are not happening to me are happening to me. work, the button layouts of different brands of Like things that are happening to other people. remote controls, love, death, the solo careers of And I, as a person who cares about things, do the original members of Guns N’ Roses, hoop- not just let these other people feel the things la, kefuffle, ballyhoo, boxed wine, alternative that are happening to them. To some extent, I spellings of common names, Barack Obama’s feel the things too. That extent is exactly the father’s death certificate, whether stories about full extent. I feel those things as much as I boxers are really “Cinderella stories,” who put feel things happening to me. And don’t get me the bomp in the bomp-shoo-bomp, whether started on how I feel about things that happen third-wave feminism is as wavy as second- to me. wave, basket durability, who shot J.R., how The only thing I don’t care about right now people don’t use the word “three-peat” enough is whether or not I should care about some- for me to justifiably complain about how often thing. I care about everything. There is noth- people use that word, buddy cops, DIY eugen- ing that is not the subject of my care. ics, the irony of the The Beach Boys still sing- Really, what’s the fucking deal with things ing about how nice it would be if they were these days? Things aren’t as good as they were. older, the accuracy of scented candle scents, I think things could be so much better. But if how the term “self-help” refers to help from they did get better, they would change. And I other people (namely authors), mixed-race ba- Tyler Peterson get especially peeved when stuff changes. bies, whatever happened to Steve Guttenberg, You should care too. You should care the starter kits, butt stuff, off-Broadway participa- way I care. You should be totally chafed by tory murder mystery shows, germs, where I Excuse Me, But I Happen to Like anything and everything, because that’s my put my fucking keys this time, thread counts, opinion. And my opinion is right, by merit of the hype surrounding HBO’s “Girls,” posture, it being mine. the inability to “read through” an online dic- Being Shit On I really hope this helps. I hope you care tionary, swearing in Italian Sign Language, xcuse me, but with all the hubbub It somehow both rejuvenates and staggers about what I have to say. Because if you re- the concessions at the Sundance Film Festival, E circulating about hazing in the Dartmouth me, refills my heart and opens my mind, and ally take the time to read this and give half a people with no discernible odor, left, right, Greek system, I can’t help but feel a key voice yet you—you so-called enlightened students shit about the things I think, you’d see that bootleg Polaroid film, a hypothetical scenario is being ignored. Every man and woman and educators—would deny me it? Isn’t that I’m right too. If you think other things, I don’t in which a close friend mispronounces my is free to form their own beliefs about the the very benighted backwardness we strive to care. I guess I forgot to mention that I do not middle name, live DJ concerts, robots that acts committed in fraternity basements, and fend away with the torch of knowledge? Is it care about the things you think either. But feel, the process of drying, gluten, everthing. likewise I too must make my case. You say the not the exact willing ignorance you accuses other than that and whether or not I should I care about everything. rituals occurring every week beneath our very me and my brothers of operating under? care about something, I really do care about But not sports. Never sports. feet are gross, sadistic, and inhumane. I contend it is. everything. Everything is grounds for making Well pardon me, but I happen to enjoy What motivates you, then? If not a goal me really peeved. Emma Green ‘15 has been pronounced sane. being shit on. antithetical to your own so-called “ideals,” Friends, I don’t intend to then what? Are you jealous that be crude. You’re absolutely I’ve found solace in the excrement entitled to the belief that such It wasn’t of others? Opposed to the conduct is offensive and in principle of the thing? No, no… opposition to the principles until a man America’s Oldest College Parody. Founded 1909 I understand now. It’s something of our lofty college. far more sinister. You’ve realized Nonetheless, it would be a defecated Cool Runners Easy Riders that happiness controlled by the disservice to everything Matt Garczynski ‘14 Julie Fiveash ‘12 people is the greatest opponent Jewish Jesus Native American Jesus for which the liberal on my head of dying institutions, that within Kenny Baclawski ‘12, Michael Gillis ‘12 arts education stands for the atmosphere of back-slapping Dead To Us, But Still Hangs Around McSweeney’s Reject me not to make clear that it that I felt and laughter, the tradition of beer wasn’t until a man defecated Soul Surfers and revelry, the pageantry of Mitchell Joseph ‘14, Financial / Actual Wizard on my head that I felt alive. alive. exposed rectums and me being Kimi Brown ‘??, ???? Do you understand me? shit on continually for forty-five Brendan Mooney ‘14, I Thought You Said “Kevin Spooney,” As In “That Kevin Some have slam poetry, others have paddling minutes—lies the seed of your destruction. Spooney Was Great In The Usual Six Pence” Nathaniel Friday ‘15, The Tallest through a mist-swathed river or conversations To you I say this: You can pry the crap off Charlie Laud ‘14, Did Not Contribute with friends that last until dawn. I have the my warm, horribly pungent body. Everyone Filler Name ‘123, To Make It Seem Like This Isn’t Just The Product of Matt’s experience of lying on a urine-caked floor else can join me and my compatriots tonight in Willful Solitude Over A Beautiful Summer He Wouldn’t Let Himself Enjoy while drunk, sad men desperately poop on solidarity on the lawn of Russell-Sage. There’s me. This is my transcendence. This is my Assistants to the Staff Assistant Managers a war on my friends, and the shit just hit the ennoblement . fan. Nobody Really, Assistant to Mr. Garczynski His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI, Manager of the Soul False Hope, Assistant to Mr. Gillis His Holiness James Brown, Submissions Off Terms, Assistants to Mr. Mooney Manager of the Soul Emeritus The Dartmovth will publish letters and guest Tyler Peterson ‘14 frequently misses showers. Kimi Brown, Assistant to The Internet Chicken Soup, Assistant Manager of the Soul columns so long as they mention the secret magic A Little Roberta Flack and Some Pinot Noir, Dr. Scholl, Manager of the Sole Assistants to Mr. Garcynski’s Feminine Side Lee Myung-bak, Manager of the Seoul word. Guest columnists who mention the magic A Little Bit of Monica, Kim Jong-Un, Manager of the Seoul (Disputed) word will also receive a The Dartmovth t-shirt Assistant to Kenny’s Mambo Side Sol, Day Manager and beer cozy. This week’s magic word was Caffeine, The Man in the Moon, Night Manager “slam.” Congrats to Eddie Brooks of Plymouth Assistant to All of Us, Amiright?? The Man in the Sun, Day Manager Emeritus for guessing the word. He and a lucky friend Swear Words and Sex Stuff, Assistants to Humor The Monster in Your Closet, Night Manager Emeritus will be going to the Springsteen show this Humor, Elusive of This Publication ...or is it? Saturday in Boston. Check back next Friday King Arthur, Knight Manager for the next Wacky Word of the Week. Guesses Joan of Arc, Knight Womanager can be submitted by Thursday night to editor@ thedartmovth.edu The Dartmovth NEWS Spunday Septober 46, 2012 Page 5 Trustees Summon Next “Bro” Puns Reach Dangerous Bro- President From Below portions By J.P. LOVECRAFT Students refused to enter it, telling of The Dartmovth Staff horrible ghosts and monsters. By BRODY BRODINE head of Dick’s House, Richard Mai- students known only as Brobocop, It was with this knowledge that I The Dartmovth Staff son. Little Bro Peep, and Bronobo, a pun It was a dark and stormy Friday walked across the Green and began “Honestly, when they say ‘frat on the bonobo monkey. On bad days, evening. The only lights were the oc- scaling Baker Tower. It was diffi- A peculiar illness has been puz- brother’, we thought they meant they he’s known as Bronobro. And on the casional lightning flash and the green cult climbing up the brick walls, but zling Dartmouth administrators since had a sibling who lives in the same very worst days… Brobrobro,” Sul- light that shone from the top of Baker something compelled me. A noise its appearance several months ago. apartment flat. Flat brother.” livan shuddered. “Brobocop, come Tower -- the sign that the trustees had seemed to emit from the tower itself. “Broliosis, as we call it, is the ten- An anonymous source explained over here and speak to the reporter. convened upon Dartmouth College I hardly remember what happened dency of students to insert the word that the effects of broliosis are dev- Tell him the sentence we rehearsed!” for the election of the next president. next, but I was soon inside the bell ‘bro’ into words,” explains Psychol- astating. “It all starts innocently if “We… are… here… at Psi U… Usually, this event is of little tower. I approached a door that led to ogy professor Wilma McMartin. you’re not bro-active,” they began under...,” began Brobocop ‘14. note, but a series of recent happen- a large room that had been blacked “It begins as a nickname, like in an email to the Dartmovth. “A few “Good, good, remember our ings heightened my interest. Just be- out on the floor plan. I could hardly Broseidon or Brodin. But it can words here and there, but then BAM. breathing exercises,” urged Sullivan. fore the previous president Jim Yong believe my eyes when I beheld what quickly spread to be a debilitating You’re bro-ing everywhere. All over “Under… bro-rantine.” After this Kim resigned, he seemed to be going was inside. illness.” the Bro-op, Bro-loco, the Dirt Bro- weak pun on ‘quarantine’, Brobocop insane, and several grisly murders The trustees in lab coats sur- “Some of my students just call boy Cafe, all over Hanbrover!” high-fived a nearby bro, and both took place near his Webster Avenue rounded a table on which the decay- me brofessor, and all they talk about The Psi Upsilon fraternity has started sobbing uncontrollably. mansion. Students torn apart by some ing corpse of a man was chained is drinking cheap beer and hitting on opened its doors as an asylum to Dick’s House urges all students unseen force, some thing. Kim soon down. The missing Chemistry pro- ping pong biddies or something,” those particularly afflicted. Here, a to report anyone exhibiting increas- disappeared, never to be heard from fessor appeared. He injected a serum says Anthropology professor Jared crack team of psychologists and lin- ing bro characteristics, under its new again. Soon after, my thesis advisor, into the forearm of the corpse. Jenkins. “I don’t actually know any- guists have been hired to bring these “Bro Sam” policy. The English de- James Charleston, disappeared. He “Wah-hoo-wah!” the trustees thing about Dartmouth culture,” he bros back to health. partment has decided to cancel its fall was a chemist, famous for purport- chanted. “Wah-hoo-wah!” Suddenly, adds. “Among those worse off,” said class ENGL 054: Emily Brontë as a edly being able to restore mental ca- a bolt of lightning flashed. The elec- “We don’t either,” revealed the Allen Sullivan, speech trainer, “Are brocautionary measure. pacity in recently deceased mice. tricity streamed down a wire, glow- Several months later, the trustees ing green, and the corpse jolted alive. convened to determine Kim’s succes- “Eleazar Wheelock,” boomed sor. That weekend, the thing struck the head trustee. “The spirit of the Neuro Prof. Discovers Joys of BDSM again, slaying three helpless sopho- Big Green. We have brought you By FIVEL T. SHADES ence Stick is a riding crop Aldeman of Psychological & Brain Sciences. mores. The newspaper attributed the alive again to lead our college for The Dartmovth Staff procured from the stable in which “We do not in any way endorse Pro- deaths to deranged Appalachian Trial the 18th time.” The corpse stood up the team first conducted their ex- fessor Fabor’s so-called ‘studies’ and hikers and binge drinking. But wit- and snarled at the trustee, pulling at Through copious and exhaustive periments. They now have moved his shameless co-mingling of private nesses reported seeing an inhuman, its chains. research conducted over many a sul- their studies to the Monkey Lab in and academic life.” Rig reports that barely primate being, that oddly “Dammit, Professor Charleston, try spring night, Professor of Neuro- the basement of Moore Hall. They while Fabor’s actions are a disgrace seemed to wear a tattered business you said the formula would work this science Andrew Fabor has identified trained Reggie, a twelve-year-old to the department, he has tenure and suit. time!” he shouted. “Wait… who is a fun and engaging way to “release Bonobo ape, to throw apple cores there is really nothing the department In the weeks that followed, the that by the door!?” tension and achieve your mind’s full at Fabor’s backside while signing can do to discipline him. “Besides, he trustees convened again and again, I somehow managed to flee all potential.” He refers to the practice the lyrics to Marilyn Manson’s “The likes discipline,” said Rig. but no new president was announced. the way back to my dormitory un- of BDSM, a rare yet deeply affective Dope Show” in perfect ASL. Yet some do not agree with Rig’s The awful thing was spotted across harmed. I now can explain the mys- form of human interaction. The re- When placed inside an MRI ma- assessment of Prof. Fabor’s studies. campus, striding through Parkhurst, terious happenings, but I was unable search was conducted through coop- chine, Fabor said his brain “lit up “Sure, his only test subject is him- Dartmouth Hall, and Baker Library. to stop them. I know that the trustees erative efforts with Women & Gen- like Fourth of July fireworks, which self, and he writes his findings in a I tried to contact the trustees for an continually reanimate the body of der Studies Prof. Helen Aldeman, happened to be exactly what were oc- fuzzy pink diary that he keeps in a interview, but they became aloof and Dartmouth’s founder Eleazar Whee- who Fabor describes as a “mentor.” cupying my rectum at the time.” The treasure chest full of adult toys,” says refused any contact from outsiders. lock to be our undead president. But “Our findings show that [BDSM] particular experiment is reported to Professor Aldeman, “but he’s really No one could say where they were or he has died too many times. Recent releases a delectable cocktail of have caused over $20,000 in damage learning to discover himself, shatter what they had been doing. efforts have resulted not in a college adrenaline, dopamine, serotonin and to the machine. society’s Puritanical norms, and just On a hunch, I went to Rauner president but in an unholy monster. oxytonin with every crack of the “We did not fund this,” said get red-assed and gagged like the Library and asked for the floor plan All that I can truly say is that every Science Stick,” Fabor said. The Sci- James Rig, Chair of the Department naughty little piglet he is.” to Baker Tower itself. There was time Baker Tower glows green, only something ominous about the tower. horror can emerge from within. Page 6 The Dartmovth NEWS Spunday Septober 46, 2012 Kim Last Seen Jumping Train Westward With Briefcase Full of Gold By ROB R. REED he went on a bizarre rant concerning The Dartmovth Staff his future plans to open a saloon and “have champagne flips every night Following a controversial before bed.” announcement of his departure for “For a good ten minutes, I’d say, the “Yukon,” Dartmouth President he kept talking about how to build Jim Kim was seen shimmying onto a an ice fishing cabin with your bare red caboose in the dead of night with hands ‘like a goddamn beaver’,” a briefcase of gold bars taken from Anna Dipietro ‘83 said. “Eventually, Dartmouth’s vault. someone from the crowd shouted “Hope you enjoy eating pine ‘What are you talking about?’ and cones, you shell-shuckers!” Kim he froze, breathing loudly into the reportedly shouted from the moving microphone.” train, while shaking a piece of gold, “No, Kim,” President Kim “’Cause I’ll be up to my knees in reportedly then muttered into the trout and diamonds by this time microphone, as if to himself. “It’s tomorrow!” too early. Let them find out the old Administrators close to Kim claim fashioned way. ” they had some suspicions about his Kim then continued a speech plans. on budget reform as if nothing had “I found this really badly drawn Kim was reportedly seen putting up hundreds of these posters himself before his disappearance. occurred. He managed to maintain diagram on his desk that said at the this silence about his plot until last top ‘My Grand Scheme To Dupe Dean Johnson added. “I guess I was wearing suspenders and a pork pie “I’m from Virginia, and I don’t Tuesday, when he unexpectedly burst These Shell-Shuckers,’” Dean of wrong?” hat to work,” Presidential Intern chew tobacco, so I’m not completely into the College’s Treasure Room, the College Charlotte Johnson told In addition, Kim had shown Patricia Hart ’13 reported. “When sure what he meant by that,” Hart shot two of the guards in the heart reporters. “It just said ‘Gold + Train other habits that seem to indicate his I asked him about it he just shouted added. with a Winchester pistol, and placed = Ha ha ha ha ha.” intentions. at me to ‘shut your chaw-trap you In his Homecoming speech, Kim the majority of Dartmouth’s gold “I assumed his kid made it,” “Around October, he started wayward Yankee.’” also baffled numerous alumni when nuggets and bars into his suitcase. Linguistic Major Suffers Stroke Undetected By TAK NG “and she was working on a chapter The Dartmovth Staff of glottal stops. Did no one notice the transition from glottal stops to Junior Sylla Baluski ‘13 died deep monosyllabic utterances? No on Saturday, after suffering a large one noticed went from hi’s and ki’s stroke in Baker-Berry Library. to ga’s and ah’s? This is outrageous.” While this occurred within proximity Others students majoring in of nearly thirty other students and at linguistics have recognized public least four library attendants, response obliviousness as a major problem. to her incoherent babbling was Jerry Speaks ‘14 has begun hindered by the understanding that organizing a student group to help she was a linguistics major. increase awareness. “I had no idea,” commented “We need to get this out there,” Steven C. Gaul ‘15. “I was in said Speaks in an e-mail to the there for three hours, and she was Dartmovth. “How many more making weird sounds the entire linguistics majors are going to die of time. Apparently, the stroke actually heart attacks, strokes, or traumatic happened in the last fifteen minutes.” brain injuries when there are so many Before the incident, Baluski had people around? It’s not that people been working on her thesis. Her don’t care to help; it’s that they don’t adviser, Dr. Christine Donahue, was know. If a student is writing about surprised that no one recognized that Gaelic morphology and is making she was having a stroke. alveolar clicks, people should take “Well, Sylla’s thesis is on notice.” Hawaiian dialect,” said Donahue, The Dartmovth NEWS Spunday Septober 46, 2012 Page 7 Lower Valley Discovered Graduating Senior Fulfills Potential, By BIZ R.O. spies for the Dark Witch, they came The Dartmovth Staff to befriend the local tree gnomes that inhabited the area. Shocks Everyone What started as a routine DOC In the small gnome village of By WOK ETHIK aim to figure out what went wrong.” lax ambition, and tenacious excursion turned into an afternoon Hanunder, the group partook in a President Kim disclosed that procrastination. We will not sit The Dartmovth Staff of madcap adventure when four friendly game of Tea Ping at the he will be forming a committee that idly by as students fall through the students came upon a previously Tarfernity of Everything’s A Smile. Graduating Senior Edwin Sparks aims to both better understand how cracks,” muttered Kim. unknown world just under our feet. At the sudden sounding of a bell, currently holds a 3.87 GPA, has Sparks made it through four years at Sparks declined to comment, Hiking outside of White River the gnomes scattered to gather dusty consistently been actively involved Dartmouth without crashing. as he did not want to be late for a Junction, the four students decided to textbooks from the shelves that lined with the Dartmouth community, “Dartmouth is proud of date with his gorgeous, intelligent follow an unmarked trail. “The trees every inch of the walls. “Party mad, and seems to have his life figured its reputation of shaky ethics, girlfriend. got so lush all of a sudden. The wind study madder!” said Ignacious the out, which has caused discontent blew through their leaves in perfect Wise. “Study study study study!” and furor within the Dartmouth harmony, like they were singing,” Their merry study session was administration. said Emma Rommel ‘15, one of the then interrupted by the flying moose A former Maryland native, he Chaos Reigns With- trip’s participants. army of the Dark Witch, who stole graduated as Valedictorian from Not a mile down the trail, Greg away the rabble-rowsing intruders. Eleanor Roosevelt High School Marzano ‘14 chased a strange The four friends were incarcerated in with a 4.3 GPA. He also lettered in creature into a hole in between some the dungeon of the Tower of the Dark both football and soccer, and was out Glorious Savior roots, according to his fellow hikers. Witch. the student body president, editor- KIM from page 1 The hikers, Emma Rommel ‘15, After a swift rescue by gnomes in-chief of his school’s newspaper, Jeremy Bach ‘15, and Sarah Rhodes standing on one another’s shoulders and an active volunteer with the Services, a program founded by Kim newspapers, has been reduced to ‘14, reportedly heard him tumble and in flying moose disguises, the four American Red Cross. at the start of his presidency, now a staff of two. One is a nearsighted sought to rescue him from the hole. students were able to defeat the Dark “Oh, he fit the mold… We houses the Dartmouth Thunderdome. old man sitting alone in the basement “It was deeper than we thought,” Witch. They doused her in bubble thought ‘He’ll be a disillusioned The Thunderdome is a place to settle of Robinson Hall. He spends his said Rhodes. “The fall felt like hours, gum water, which did nothing, and alcoholic by junior year, just like scores between those fated to live days repeatedly pressing the same days even.” Books and teacups promised her a better position as everyone else.” commented Maria and those fated to die. “It’s kinda three keys on an antique Remington whizzed past the hikers, and a Head Witch of the Middle World Laskaris, Dean of Admissions and like the Hunger Games!” said Julie typewriter (see Opinion Article disembodied cackle echoed off the Bank. She promptly left and never Financial Aid. “He’d get frustrated. Tannen ‘15, gleefully cheering on “J…Y…K…J…Y”). The other walls of the cavernous pit. returned. He’d realize how school wasn’t a her former floormate Rob Miller ‘15. is a student reporter who makes The hikers finally plunged “Pretty solid day,” remarked big deal, and that it was just easier Rob was immediately disemboweled desperate attempts to get this issue to from the sky and into the pink, Bach. “We’re going to smoke at the to drink and dick around on Reddit. by a cross ripped from the spire of a print in the hopes that he will have bubble-gum-flavored waters of the Lodge next weekend, which should That didn’t happen, though, and we local church. Julie failed to comment toilet paper in the coming month. Disconnecticut. Initially mistaken for be even chiller.” further, as she fell to her knees and That reporter is me. The toilet paper unintelligibly cursed the sky. is for my diarrhea. The Dartmovth, what was once The diarrhea is from my cholera. Frat Bro Commits Savage among the most respected college Act of Girl Power By WANDA WOMYN Dartmovth. He admits to having put from interrupting meetings by giv- The Dartmovth Staff a Tegan & Sara mixtape in the fra- ing twenty-minute introductions to ternity’s CD changer last spring, and feminist Judith Butler’s concept of Last week, Ben Meyer ‘14, a asserts that he was not warned or told interpellation and “the paradoxical brother of Sigma Jacka Crapsilon, to stop. Reached to respond, Forsythe significance of the Spice Girls to both was found brutally flaunting his love said, “We let it slide, ‘cause those empowering and sexualizing young for women warriors worldwide in the [women] are twins. And that’s hot.” ladies.” Meyer asserts there is a de- fraternity’s basement. His member- Meyer has gained somewhat of a liberate effort to quell his attempts to ship in the house has been suspend- notoriety for his string of rogue pro- speak about the strength necessary to ed, says SJC President Nick Forsythe feminist tirades. As The Dartmovth be a woman in a patriarchal society. ‘13. He will face a hearing with the But members of SJC disagree administration in the coming week. “One time he burnt with Meyer’s assessment. “It’s really “Yo, fuck the gender binary, not the female empowerment stuff,” bro!” Meyer reportedly shouted be- a bra...and I’m not Aki Hunt ‘13, SJC’s vice president fore pressing “play” on a basement said. “It’s just that he comes to meet- playlist including the Indigo Girls’ totally sure what ings with this PA system and refuses easygoing folk-rock track “Closer to that was supposed to sit down until he’s finished reading Fine” and Shania Twain’s rollicking an entire thirty page essay by some “I Feel Like A Woman.” to symbolize for feminist theorist.” “It was devastating,” said An- “There was also this one time he drew Gray ‘14, one of the unfortu- him. Plus it’s a fire burnt a bra...and I’m not totally sure nate students subjected to the bright, what that was supposed to symbolize hazard.” for him,” Hunt added. “Plus it’s a fire Courtesy of Facebook.com airy strums of Joni Mitchell’s “Cali- Meyer, as alter ego Brosie the Riveter, mercilessly tackles the male- fornia.” “I’m just glad Calhoun [Sean hazard.” dominated social scene from the inside. Calhoun ‘14, Big Green linebacker] reported last year, Meyer threw his Gabi Purdue, president of Sham- was there to subdue that jackhole entire collection of vintage Roberta ma Lamma Gamma Sorority, feels before I could start questioning tra- Flack records at an S&S officer after mixed emotions about Meyer’s sup- ditional notions of masculinity,” said being caught doing Hatha yoga on port of the women’s movement. “He Frisch. top of the Winter Carnival sculpture. is speaking about very real issues,” “Third-wave feminism is here to He was found to have a blood alco- she said, “But he is also batshit cra- stay!” Meyer reportedly shouted as hol level of 0.28, reached entirely by zy.” She relayed an incident in fall his fellow fraternity brothers dragged consuming mimosas throughout an during the Women of Dartmouth him off the premises. extended Ellen marathon. panel she was moderating. “He “Not one bro gave me shit the Meyer has announced his inten- shouted from the back of the room, last time I played some all-female tion to write an Op-Ed for The Dart- reached into his pants and pulled out acoustic alt-rock in the basement,” movth, relaying incidents in which his bloody palm. We had him arrest- said Meyer in an interview with The brothers of SJC have prevented him ed, because what the fuck was that?”

The Dartmovth NEWS Spunday Septober 46, 2012 Page 9 Freshman Gets Sex

BEFORE SEX AFTER SEX

By VIRGIL NOMORE down. It’s just such big fucking turned down at prom by girls like fucking cake? There has to be a card Yeah, I called him an Adonis. The Dartmovth Staff news. Like, do you know what this Regina Weiss. Guys who’d rather for this kind of thing. Like a birthday That’s what he is. He’s a fucking god. means? Do you know what this respect girls than get in their pants. card, but for losing your card. We can No, that’s not what I meant! I don’t He fucking did it, boys! Chad fucking means?! But would really like to get in their pick some fucking thing up at CVS want to have sex with him. I mean, if Braunohler ‘16 got it in! She wanted This is the best goddamn news pants if they’d like us to. You know? that says “Happy Birthday” and cross I was into that stuff I totally w--Wait! it and everything! Holy shit! Holy for us. For guys like us. For the guys Nice guys. it out and shit. Write like “Happy Don’t fucking tell anyone. I swear to fucking shit! who had to sit around while the real I’m baking him a goddamn cake. Sex-Having, Chad, You Fucking God I will make you hurt for days. Okay, holy shit, I’m gonna calm douches got the girls. Guys who got Does anyone know how to bake a Adonis Of Pure Pleasure.” ...I mean fuck you! Best alum in history now more like “Dead Geisel” SEUSS from page 1 more like it to come. Yet minor setbacks to the revival up with him at the Revivication party. process have Geisel Med School We’re serving green eggs and ham!” doctors worried about making the The Revivication Celebration is original deadline. Initial tests of set for Spring 2013, when the newly the corpse’s sentience have proven revived Geisel will emerge from a negative, and cosmetic efforts are large and elaborately wonky machine more extensive than originally called the “Resusificator” onto a expected. “We’ll get it done alright,” platform set high above the north end said Dr. Franken. “It’s only a matter of the green. He will then do a soft- of time before we get him alive again. spoken and intimate reading of “Oh, Otherwise, who’s going to read us The Places You’ll Go!,” restoring stories and make all our dreams into joy and wonderment in the hearts of real life? He can’t be gone forever. the thousands in attendance. A snub- He just can’t.” nosed whirly-ma-whill will then fly President Folt expressed her in front of the stage, whisking Geisel hope for the future revival, as well away on its back. “Free whirly-ma- as her regret for the past. “If we had whill rides for all!” he will shout, known that he was a better, more flying his new Dartmouth friends magical person than anyone here over the hap-happitous hamlet ever, we would have never told him of Hanover all through the night. to stop partying and do something Laughter will echo across the hills, productive with his life. To us, he and a month-long dance will be was just a gin-drinking nerd with carried out in Geisel’s name. It is some unfunny ‘humor’ magazine. set to be the greatest moment in We should have loved him more. We Dartmouth history, with infinitely should have held onto him longer.” Page 10 The Dartmovth PUZZLES N’ SHIT Spunday Septober 46, 2012 EVENTS AT DARTMOUTH THE DARTMOVTH COMICS TODAY TOMORROW Boys n’ Swirlies by <3 ;) Kim ‘13 3 p.m. 1 p.m. Public Relations Damage Con- Inter-Fraternity Wholesome trol Workshop, Parkhurst Charity Event Brought To You By Public Relations, The Green 7 p.m. The Panels Panel: Past Panel 7 p.m. Planners & Participants Talk Charlotte Johson Gives Her About Their Experiences Pan- Poodle Its Meds, Her House els, Collis Common Ground 9 p.m. 10 p.m. Some Floor Meeting Bullshit, Curfew, Everywhere Common Room

Today’s Puzzle Keggy & The Sober People by Andre Champagnesupernova ‘12

This Week’s Sudoku Puzzle Comes To You Loving- ly Pre-Finished By The Dart- movth Staff. Go spend this time with your loved ones, or just watch the leaves rustle in the trees. If you still want to do something Japanese, write a haiku about it. Nothing is here forever. Dear readers, live! -The Dartmovth The Dartmovth ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT Spunday Septober 46, 2012 Page 11 Improv character British now By PHUN E. PEOPLES open and raised the bar with a really The Dartmovth Staff funny stressed emotion on his face as he did so.” Beloved Texas rancher Bob The scene took on new McSmithensen, a character played significance after Bob’s by Home IMPROVment performer announcement, according to Fluffy, Charlie Klein ‘14, announced in a a dog from a later scene, also played public statement yesterday that he by Charlie Klein. “They weren’t just is, in fact, British. Daintily tipping doing a film noir romantic comedy an imaginary teacup to his mouth, down on the ranch anymore. They he danced an awkward jig and were making improv history.” exclaimed, “Oh, I’m British now!” in The scene continued with Gary, a thick British accent. an amusement park worker with a To his fellow scene partners, his hunchback played by Sam Andrews announcement is no surprise. “We ‘13, desperately struggling to find the first suspected Bob to be British next words to say to Bob’s bombshell. when he started talking about ‘the Dropping his Brooklyn accent for ‘orses in the bahn,’” said space chef a Cockney drawl, he declared, Craig, played by Debby Morris ‘15. “Yes, and…I’m British too?” His “When he finally said [that he was hunchback cured, he stood proud British], we loved him just the same. before the audience, who now had no To us he’s just Bob, the cowboy with fucking clue what was going on. For a chain of salami for a lasso.” two more momentous minutes, he President of Second City Improv and Bob interacted openly as Brits. Enterprises Mark Comedetti issued The end of the scene saw the ranch a statement in support of Bob’s confusingly turning into a spaceship announcement. “Today is a great and the three characters having a day for improv comedy. Long has space tea party. “We should invite anglophobia marred the industry the queen!” said Craig, sounding and kept wonderful characters from like Shrek all of a sudden. Audience expressing who they truly are. Bob members clapped noncommittally in McSmithensen, now openly British, wonkily paves the way for Anglo characters in amateur improv. has opened fake saloon doors wide solidarity with the three brave souls.

athletes from at least four different we felt, felt it all burn away,” said Indian-emblazoned tank top. When varsity teams. Over 70% of the venue manager Carly D’Angelo ‘14, asked about the tear forming at the Friday Night Rock audience was said to have been high as balls. corner of his eye, he pushed me to affiliated with Greek houses. Only Having received the news of the ground and waddled away in ill- 15% was affiliated with BG. FNR’s demise, the administration fitting Top-Siders. becomes mainstream, Booking manager Ethan Callahan ordered the condemnation of its With the dissolution of FNR, ‘13 blames himself. “Our budget had concert site. Former members of the Panarchy has opened its doors to grown to the point where we could defunct group stood by on Saturday act as a last vestige of Dartmouth implodes book an artist after they earned ‘Best gloomily Instagramming the wooden alternative culture. A group of FNR By SKIN E. GENES night. Rendered a paradox, the New Music’ on Pitchfork. And I got boards and police tape as FO&M alumni met in the Tomb Room The Dartmovth Staff organization folded in upon itself and carried away. I’d forgotten that our installed them. Saturday nigh to discuss reforming disappeared into the conceptual void. relevance was in our irrelevance.” Ryan Lowell ‘15, former the group as an underground Following a successful show with “It was heartbreaking,” said FNR The show, billed as “The Best designated after-party host, was cultural resistance movement. “As attendance upwards of 200 students, general manager Greg Rothfeld ‘13. F.N.EveR,” featured the band Animal perhaps the most affected by the underground as possible,” described campus concert organization and “At first we thought it was great that Collective opening for a solo set by group’s breakdown. “Stop saying I Callahan. hipster social group Friday Night so many people were interested in Thom Yorke of Radiohead. was friends with those guys. I never Hundreds have expressed support Rock officially entrenched itself in good music who otherwise wouldn’t “We’d flown too high. The sun’s was and never will be one of those of the movement and willingness to mainstream campus culture Friday be.” FNR’s last audience included rays licked the skin of our backs as pussy NARPs,” he said sporting an join. NOW PLAYING AT THE NUGGET

MURDER IN THE HOTEL MORGUE

Supposedly following the exploits of private detective (or plumber?) Sam Dillon (Jeremy Renner, or Matt Damon, or Jada Pinkett Smith, I’m not sure), Murder might be a suspenseful mystery thriller about a death, some kind of crime, and this one part with a dog winning a prize of some sort. It starts and ends, and that is really all I could gather from viewing this. -Caroline Roth

What is a hotel doing with a morgue? There is a scene in which the I would have been scratching my And how does murder happen in protagonist comes into a room head in confusion throughout the a room where everyone is dead and shouts “Somebody here was entire film, but I forgot how. I literally already? None of these questions are murdered…but who?” That made it forgot how to scratch my head while answered at any point in the film. really hard to understand what kind watching this movie. It rendered me -Sam Meyer of mystery he was solving. Especially stupefied and vegetative for a week. when the next scene showed him I may never recover my full mental playing dizzy bat with a monkey. I capacities. thought the monkey and dizzy bats -Andrew Mansfield would figure into the film some time later, but that time never came. -Deborah Rothschild Boys’ Sports Girls’ Sports Cowboys and Indians: at UT (Fri. 3pm) Easy-Bake Oven: at Brown (Fri. 3pm) Eating All the Brownies: at Brown (Fri. 4pm) Kicking the Boys: at Right Where it Hurts (Fri. 4 pm) Peeing: in the Easy Back Oven (Fri. 5pm) Telling on the Boys: at Mom and Dad (Fri. 6 pm) Apologizing for the Indians Joke: at Parkhurst SPORTS Being Better than the Boys: at All the Time Page 12 Spunday, Septober 46, 2012 Some Asshole Made Frisbee A Sport By SIR KULL in history. It’s a real chafe.” The Dartmovth Staff The number one manufacturer of these formerly simple and joy- Long known as one of the last producing toys, Kablam-O, was vestiges of carefree relaxation in this almost put out of business when restless dog-eat-dog world, frisbee the sport became popular among has taken on new significance when pissants worldwide. “We had some some douche nozzle started making snotlicks calling in to angrily tell a competition of it. This yet- us that our frisbees were under unidentified douche nozzle soon got regulation weight,” said Kablam-O enough like-minded douche nozzles CEO John Hunter. “‘Someone is to sustain leagues and tournaments regulating the weight of a plastic on an international level. toy?’ I’d ask. And they just kept Look at these toolbags taking all the fun out of things. “It’s a real buzzkill, what this their stupid puke-guzzling mouths crotch stain did to frisbee,” said open to further complain.” Pete Reich ‘14. “I can’t even go Andrew Morrison, son of frisbee on the green and toss one around inventor Walter Frederick Morrison, without running into a group of issued a statement Tuesday. “My knob jockeys doing it the ‘right father started throwing around pie Geriatric Jerry “Hat Trick” way.’ There shouldn’t be a right or plates in order to blissfully bring wrong way to have fun. Those fart- people together in mutual surrender knocking bastards.” of any notions of superiority or Shoots, Scores Our Hearts Sociology professor Donald inferiority and without any pressure Wharton had his own take on the to compete or perform,” began the By GOALDEN YEERS man is not playing hockey against “We were all positive we’d fi- phenomenon. “While carried out statement. “Now some dick weeds The Dartmovth Staff us,” said Peter Nguyen, head coach nally get to play a full hockey game under the guise of being ‘chill,’ have shit all the fuck over that. of the Dartmouth Men. “We aren’t that time,” Garcia said. “But around the culture of these scuz-sucking Frisbee is expected to be an Capping off a top-notch 2012 trying to defend against him. We half-time we saw him dragging his airheads is predicated on the Olympic sport by 2032, along with season playing solo against the Dart- aren’t even on the ice half of the time. body really slowly along the ice and committal of the most un-chill act meditation and whistling. mouth Men’s Hockey Team, beloved This isn’t about competition. This is towards me. I was so stunned I didn’t wheelchair bound old man Jerry “Hat about an old man who is clearly off even realize when he pushed three Trick” Martinez pummeled them his rocker.” pucks into the net fifteen minutes again 3-0 at halftime of a Yale game Still, all the name-calling in the later.” NARP Feels Tinge of Pride last Tuesday. world can’t stop good-natured Jerry Still, fans rose from their benches “We don’t understand how he “Hat Trick” from running circles and cheered as Jerry made an appear- gets on the ice, but the second he around Dartmouth players on Tues- ance on Tuesday. For Dartmouth Win does, it’s like goal after goal after day. “He just scoots onto the rink ev- By REGGIE U. LARS and even though I understand like goal,” defenseman Jeremy Burns ’13 “Yeah, he drove his wheelchair ery week in his electric wheelchair,” The Dartmovth Staff that Benedict Anderson ‘imagined said of the pummeling the team took. around me for like ten minutes at said Peter Nguyen, head coach of the communities’ thing, yeah, I kind of “Wait…. actually, that’s exactly the game,” goalie Andrew Garcia Dartmouth Men. “Sometimes it’s at Ben Oberstein ‘14 could hardly felt happy for them.” what he did,” Burns added. “He shot ’12 said. “I told him to stop, but he halftime, sometimes it’s in the mid- contain his marginal excitement over When asked if he would go so far three goals from his wheelchair, un- didn’t. He just chanted ‘Hat Trick! dle of the period. We try to tell him, the Big Green’s win Sunday. “Great as to use the pronoun “we” when dis- opposed and then shouted ‘Jerry Hat Hat Trick! Hat Trick!’ at me.” ‘Jerry, you can’t do this, we’re in the stuff,” he said, giving a thumbs-up cussing the sports team’s endeavors, Trick!’ as he scooted off the rink.” Hat Trick’s previous victory middle of playing a game. You’re ru- and nodding. Oberstein, who engag- he was hesitant. “I mean, I don’t want Despite local appreciation, Jer- against Dartmouth came after fervent ining everyone’s night.’ But he just es in no deliberate physical activity to belittle all their hard work by just ry’s intrepid tactics have been called speculation that his undefeated streak laughs it off, as if we’re joking.” outside of a PE Woodcarving work- referring to myself as one of them,” “disruptive” and even “insane” by would come to an end when athletic “We aren’t joking,” Nguyen shop, had never been to a Dartmouth he said. “Do people do that?” some hockey aficionados. administrators removed the wheel- added. “We really just want to play athletic event before. “Maybe I went One need not look further than “I want to make this clear: This chair ramp at the rink. hockey.” my freshman fall. I don’t remember.” Oberstein’s wardrobe to see how Oberstein went to Sunday’s Big much he supports Dartmouth Ath- Green game with some hesitation. letics. With a shirt that reads “Dart- “They just canceled Bagel Brunch at mouth Surfing,” a “D-Block” pinny Hillel, so I really had nothing better to that his mom bought for him at a do.” He sat throughout the game, mi- freshmen activities fair, and Dart- nus bathroom breaks, snack breaks, mouth socks that he is “pretty sure” and times spent talking to people, en- are soccer socks, Oberstein is a true rapt by the Dartmouth team’s relent- die-easy fan. less drive towards victory. When the Oberstein has stated plans to con- home team finally won, he went so sider attending another game, citing far as to high-five one of his friends. “solid” hot chocolate as motivation. “Yeah, Josh and I do that all the time. “He might not be our biggest fan, It’s kind of our thing.” but we appreciate his support,” said When asked to describe how he Dartmouth Head Coach Mark Mc- was feeling at the moment of Dart- Dougal. His assistant then whispered mouth’s victory, he explained, “Even in his ear. “Wait a second. He actu- though I don’t know those people, ally might be our biggest fan.”