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HURTING the ONES WE LOVE Relational Transgressions

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HURTING the ONES WE LOVE Relational Transgressions 13-Gurrero-45243.qxd 3/28/2007 7:49 PM Page 281 13 HURTING THE ONES WE LOVE Relational Transgressions Tia and Jamal are deeply in love and plan to marry after Tia finishes graduate school. During a conver- sation with a mutual friend, Jamal finds out that Tia had lunch with her ex-boyfriend, Robert, a week earlier. Jamal is flooded with negative thoughts and emotions. He always suspected that Robert regret- ted breaking up with Tia. Worse yet, Robert has become successful over the past couple of years, whereas Jamal’s career has been stalled. Jamal can’t help but wonder if Tia prefers Robert to him. And why hadn’t she told him that they had lunch? Is she trying to hide something? Perhaps even an affair? When Jamal confronts Tia later that evening, she tells him that she is completely “over” Robert, that they met by chance and decided to have a quick lunch to “catch up,” and that she didn’t tell him because it did- n’t mean anything and she knew he’d get upset. Tia declares, “I told him that I love you and we are engaged.” Tia’s words provide Jamal with some comfort, but he still can’t seem to stop worrying. f you were in Jamal’s place, would you still be In this chapter, we focus on understanding how worried about Robert? Research on the “dark relational partners hurt one another, as well as I side” of relationships suggests that Jamal’s sit- how people respond to being hurt. First, we discuss uation is not at all unusual. People commonly expe- hurt feelings in the context of relationships. Then, we rience problems such as jealousy, deception, and review research related to three especially hurtful infidelity in their close relationships (Cupach & events: infidelity, jealousy, and deception. This is Spitzberg, 1994; Spitzberg & Cupach, 1998). The followed by a review of research on hurtful mes- question becomes, How can people cope with such sages. The last part of the chapter focuses on com- situations most effectively? For example, should munication and forgiveness following hurtful events. Jamal continue communicating his jealous feelings to Tia, or should he pretend that nothing is wrong? What about Tia? Was her explanation for not telling HURT FEELINGS IN RELATIONSHIPS Jamal about her lunch with Robert plausible? And what can she do or say to convince Jamal that she Think about the last few times you felt emotional loves him and has been faithful? pain. Chances are that you had close relationships 281 13-Gurrero-45243.qxd 3/28/2007 7:49 PM Page 282 282 • CHAPTER 10 with the people who directly or indirectly inflicted the partner and the relationship (Feeney, 2005). The that pain. In one study, people described a situation top relational transgressions identified by college that led them to experience hurt feelings (Leary, students are (1) having sex with someone else, Springer, Negel, Ansell, & Evans, 1998). Of the 168 (2) wanting to or actually dating others, and (3) participants in this study, only 14 described situa- deceiving one’s partner about something significant tions involving strangers or acquaintances; the other (Metts, 1991). Other transgressions include flirting 154 all described situations involving close rela- with or kissing someone else, keeping secrets from tional partners, such as romantic partners, family the partner, becoming emotionally involved with members, or good friends. Scholars have noted the someone else, and betraying the partner’s confi- paradoxical nature of hurt—the people with whom dence (Jones & Burdette, 1994; Roscoe, Cavanaugh, we share the strongest emotional connection have & Kennedy, 1988). Hurtful messages are words the power to hurt us in ways that other people can- that elicit psychological pain. As Vangelisti (1994b) not. As Dowrick (1999) put it, argued, words It is one of life’s most terrible ironies that betrayal have the ability to hurt or harm in every bit as real a can be as connective as love. It can fill your mind and way as physical objects. A few ill-spoken words (e.g., color your senses. It can keep you tied to a person or “You’re worthless,” “You’ll never amount to any- to events as tightly as if you were bound, back to thing,” “I don’t love you anymore”) can strongly affect back—or worse, heart to heart. The person you want individuals, interactions, and relationships. (p. 53) to think of least may become the person you think of constantly. (p. 46) Indeed, studies have shown that hurtful words and events often have negative effects on relation- The most intense hurt feelings arise when a ships. In Jones and Burdette’s (1994) study, 93% of partner’s words or actions communicate devaluation people who had been betrayed by their partners said (Feeney, 2005). Devaluation involves feeling unap- that their relationships had been harmed as a result preciated and unimportant. A person can feel of the transgression. Leary and his colleagues devalued at the individual or relational level. For (1998) examined a wider variety of hurtful events example, if a good friend says she’s not surprised than betrayals. Nonetheless, 42% of their partici- that you failed an exam because you’re not very pants said that the hurtful event had permanently smart, you might feel hurt because your friend does damaged their relationships. In friendships, betrayal not value your intellect. At a relational level, deval- leads to less acceptance, trust, and respect (Davis & uation is a perception that one’s partner does not Todd, 1985). In fact, when people are betrayed by a perceive the relationship to be as close, important, friend, they often recast the friend’s entire personal- or valuable as one would like (Leary et al., 1998). If ity to frame her or him in a more negative light someone betrays you, breaks up with you, or says (Wiseman, 1986). To better understand some of the that you are not that important in her or his life, you events that lead to hurt feelings and relational prob- are likely to feel hurt because your partner does not lems, the next part of this chapter provides a more value the relationship (Leary et al., 1998). detailed look at situations involving infidelity, jeal- Communication researchers have studied rela- ousy, deception, and hurtful messages. tional transgressions and hurtful messages as forms of behavior that inflict hurt feelings. Relational transgressions occur when people violate implicit INFIDELITY or explicit relational rules (Metts, 1994). For exam- ple, many people believe that romantic partners Infidelity is especially hurtful. Feeney (2004) studied should be sexually faithful and that all close rela- a number of hurtful events and found infidelity to tional partners should be emotionally faithful, loyal, have a particularly strong negative effect on relation- and honest. When people violate these standards of ships. In another study, sexual infidelity, along with faithfulness, loyalty, and honesty, they also devalue relationship breakup, was rated as the least forgivable 13-Gurrero-45243.qxd 3/28/2007 7:49 PM Page 283 Hurting the Ones We Love • 283 of several hurtful events in dating relationships person, which leads one’s partner to channel “emo- (Bachman & Guerrero, 2006b). The way people dis- tional resources such as romantic love, time, and cover sexual infidelity also makes a difference. Afifi, attention to someone else” (Shackelford & Buss, Falato, and Weiner (2001) compared four methods of 1997, p. 1035). discovery: (1) finding out from a third party; (2) wit- Given the prevalence of infidelity, it is impor- nessing the infidelity firsthand, such as walking in on tant to ask why people engage in acts of infidelity in your partner with someone else; (3) having the part- the first place. Research on sexual infidelity sug- ner admit to infidelity after you question her or him; gests that dissatisfaction with the current relation- and (4) having the partner tell you on her or his own. ship is the leading cause (Hunt, 1974; Roscoe et al., People who found out through a third party or by wit- 1988; Sheppard, Nelson, & Andreoli-Mathie, 1995). nessing the partner’s infidelity firsthand were the Other common causes of infidelity include bore- least likely to forgive their partners and the most dom, the need for excitement and variety, wanting to likely to say that their relationships had been dam- feel attractive, sexual incompatibility with one’s aged. People were most likely to forgive their part- partner, and trying to get revenge against the partner ners when they confessed on their own. (Buunk, 1980; Elbaum, 1982; Fleischman et al., 2005; Greene, Lee, & Lustig, 1974; Johnson, 1972; Sexual Versus Emotional Infidelity Roscoe et al., 1988; Wiggins & Lederer, 1984). There has not been much research on the causes of Researchers have distinguished between two types emotional infidelity. It is likely, however, that emo- of infidelity: sexual and emotional. Sexual infidelity tional infidelity is related to feeling dissatisfied with refers to “sexual activity with someone other than the communication and social support a person is one’s long-term partner” (Shackelford & Buss, 1997, receiving in her or his current relationship. p. 1035). Although most people in the United States disapprove of sexual infidelity (Weinbach, 1989; Behavioral Cues to Infidelity Weis & Slosnerick, 1981), several studies indicate that extradyadic affairs are fairly common (see, e.g., While any of the previous reasons might make peo- Thompson, 1984). Estimates of sexual infidelity vary ple worry that their partner could be unfaithful sex- widely. When averaged, studies suggest that around ually or emotionally, researchers have uncovered 30% to 40% of dating relationships and 40% to 60% specific behavioral cues that trigger suspicion about of marriages are marked by at least one incident of infidelity.
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