The Psychology of Friendship

T he Psychology of Friendship The Psychology of Friendship EDITED BY MAHZAD HOJJAT and ANNE MOYER 1 1 Oxford University Press is a department of the University of Oxford. It furthers the University’s objective of excellence in research, scholarship, and education by publishing worldwide. Oxford is a registered trade mark of Oxford University Press in the UK and certain other countries. Published in the United States of America by Oxford University Press 198 Madison Avenue, New York, NY 10016, United States of America. © Oxford University Press 2017 All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior permission in writing of Oxford University Press, or as expressly permitted by law, by license, or under terms agreed with the appropriate reproduction rights organization. Inquiries concerning reproduction outside the scope of the above should be sent to the Rights Department, Oxford University Press, at the address above. You must not circulate this work in any other form and you must impose this same condition on any acquirer. Library of Congress Cataloging- in- Publication Data Names: Hojjat, Mahzad, editor. | Moyer, Anne, editor. Title: The psychology of friendship / edited by Mahzad Hojjat, Anne Moyer. Description: Oxford ; New York : Oxford University Press, [2017] Identifiers: LCCN 2016014079 | ISBN 9780190222024 (jacketed hardcover : alk. paper) Subjects: LCSH: Friendship—Psychological aspects. Classification: LCC BF575.F66 P79 2017 | DDC 158.2/5—dc23 LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2016014079 1 3 5 7 9 8 6 4 2 Printed by Sheridan Books, Inc., United States of America CONTENTS Foreword ix William K. Rawlins Contributors xv Introduction: Psychological Aspects of Friendship Across the Life Span, Settings, and Relationships xix Mahzad Hojjat and Anne Moyer PART I FRIENDSHIP ACROSS THE LIFE SPAN 1. Friendship in Childhood and Adolescence 3 Cynthia A. Erdley and Helen J. Day 2. Friendships in Young and Middle Adulthood: Normative Patterns and Personality Differences 21 Cornelia Wrzus, Julia Zimmermann, Marcus Mund, and Franz J. Neyer 3. Interactive Motifs and Processes in Old Age Friendship 39 Rebecca G. Adams, Julia Hahmann, and Rosemary Blieszner PART II WHO ARE OUR FRIENDS? 4. The Hackneyed Notions of Adult “Same- Sex” and “Opposite- Sex” Friendships 59 Michael Monsour vi Contents 5. Friendships Across Race, Ethnicity, and Sexual Orientation 75 Suzanna M. Rose and Michelle M. Hospital 6. Friendship and Social Media 93 Andrew M. Ledbetter 7. Friendship and Romance: A Need- Fulfillment Perspective 109 Laura E. VanderDrift, Christopher R. Agnew, and Ezgi Besikci 8. Friendship Among Coworkers 123 Rachel L. Morrison and Helena D. Cooper- Thomas 9. Mentors as Friends 141 Laura Gail Lunsford 10. Animals as Friends: Social Psychological Implications of Human– Pet Relationships 157 Allen R. McConnell, E. Paige Lloyd, and Tonya M. Buchanan PART III FRIENDSHIP AND CONFLICT 11. The Aftermath: Friendship After Romantic Relationship Termination 177 Eddie M. Clark, Priscilla Fernandez, Abigail L. Harris, Michelle Hasan, and Katheryn B. Votaw 12. Transgression, Forgiveness, and Revenge in Friendship 195 Mahzad Hojjat, Susan D. Boon, and Elizabeth B. Lozano 13. Competition in Friendship 213 David R. Hibbard and Gail E. Walton PART IV BENEFITS AND MAINTENANCE OF FRIENDSHIPS 14. Friendship and Health 233 Julianne Holt- Lunstad 15. Friendship and Mental Health Functioning 249 Alan R. King, Tiffany D. Russell, and Amy C. Veith Contents vii 16. Maintaining Long- Lasting Friendships 267 Debra L. Oswald 17. Conclusion: Friendship: An Echo, a Hurrah, and Other Reflections 283 Daniel Perlman Index 301 FOREWORD Friendship is a commonplace notion, familiar to and cherished by people around the world and across history. The capacity for friendship is as fundamental to the human condition as are familial attachment; romantic, conjugal, and sexual lov- ing; competition; and conflict (Brain, 1976). Since the time of Aristotle, friendship has been recognized as essential to the well-lived life. However, only in the last 35 years has markedly increased social scientific empirical work emerged address- ing friendship as a distinctive category of human experience, cognitive and moral development, personal and social relationship, and communicative, associational, and political activity (Rawlins, 2009). Despite and perhaps because of its perva- sive presence in human life, the word “friendship” references a vexing, intellectually captivating, continually evolving, and diversely apprehended array of phenomena. In this foreword, I point out why friendship is so vital yet elusive to study, and there- fore why the present volume offers a worthwhile snapshot of this moment in the ever- unfolding saga and study of human friendship. The words “friend” and “friendship” are used to describe a gamut of human relationships— ranging from long- standing attachments of considerable affection and loyalty, to someone just met at a bar or sports event, to a purchased affiliation with a library, museum, or opera house. Further complicating matters, friendship is unique in its capacity to arise as a free- standing relationship on its own terms between two persons, or as a sincerely lived dimension of other relationships, such as the friendship developed between siblings, spouses, parents and children, or coworkers. In these instances friendship is not a necessary part of the relationship; countless such bonds exist devoid of friendship. It is a negotiated attachment between persons that always reflects shared personal dispositions and material sociocultural pos- sibilities. You cannot force or require friendship of any genuine emotional validity between people; and friendship may be restricted, prohibited, or even unthinkable in certain circumstances. Meanwhile, with the rapid proliferation of social media, the verb forms and related practices of “to friend” and “friending” someone have further ix x Foreword expanded, some would say diluted, the meanings of friendship, an issue I address in what follows. Such varied meanings, coupled with friendship’s contingent and flexible achieve- ment across social settings, make it notoriously difficult to define friendship- con clusively. Even so, I offer here five ideal- typical characteristics for recognizing friendship across diverse circumstances that set the stage for this volume (Rawlins, 1992, 2009). All of these features exist on continua resulting in multiple types and degrees of friendship. First and foremost, friendship is voluntary. People choose to regard and treat another person as a friend; friendship cannot be compelled. This voluntary basis for friendship contrasts with the irrevocable blood- based connec- tion of kin, the legal and religious sanctions of marriage, and the contractual certifi- cation of economic and other partnerships. While all of these bonds, except kinship, may involve initial choices in undertaking the association, factors external to the relationship preserve the bond until and only when external measures are taken to nullify its existence. Some argue that this freely chosen quality of friendship enhances the moral quality of its dedications, even as it makes friendships highly susceptible to external circumstances. Throughout the life course the demands of one’s marriage, family, and/or employment typically take precedence over those of friends— that is, unless these other bonds include friendship as a dimension, which can pose other challenges. There is wide disparity in the degree to which friendships are freely chosen and the extent to which they are a function of their social con- text. For example, it is often prudent to become friends with professional associates or seemingly necessary in specific settings to befriend those who share one’s social position, privileges, or plight. Second, friendship is a personal relationship. We live in friendship with someone because of that person’s individual qualities, not simply because of member- ship in a certain class or category. This person- qua- person orientation of friendship, or friendship for the other’s own sake, is considered essential for true friendship (Aristotle, 1980; Suttles, 1970). Nonetheless, actual friendships vary in the degree to which dedication to sheer personhood takes precedence. We may in fact become and remain friends with others because of their singular embodiment of a categori- cal virtue or commitment to a social cause that we share. Third, friendship is an affective bond— an emotional attachment. Persons care about, like, and may pro- foundly love their friends. Again, however, the depth of affect between friends may range from merely a situational, positive disposition to a lifelong devotion. Fourth, friendship is a mutual relationship. As a free- standing bond, friendship is inherently relational; it is accomplished and sustained communicatively and through shared activities demonstrating each person’s regard for the other. A one- sided stance of friendship toward another is only would- be friendship. Persons remain friends to the extent that they continue to meet mutually developed expec- tations and standards for worthwhile behavior. Fifth and finally, friendship tends toward an equal relationship. Although friends may differ in their personal attributes Foreword xi or social station, friendship involves identifying areas of the relationship where the friends stand as equals. As C. S.

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