Explicating Constructions of Infidelity

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Explicating Constructions of Infidelity City Research Online City, University of London Institutional Repository Citation: Nicholls, Kate (2009). Researching relationships: Unpacking the discursive organisation of infidelity and monogamy in personal relationships. (Unpublished Doctoral thesis, City University London) This is the accepted version of the paper. This version of the publication may differ from the final published version. Permanent repository link: https://openaccess.city.ac.uk/id/eprint/12446/ Link to published version: Copyright: City Research Online aims to make research outputs of City, University of London available to a wider audience. Copyright and Moral Rights remain with the author(s) and/or copyright holders. URLs from City Research Online may be freely distributed and linked to. Reuse: Copies of full items can be used for personal research or study, educational, or not-for-profit purposes without prior permission or charge. Provided that the authors, title and full bibliographic details are credited, a hyperlink and/or URL is given for the original metadata page and the content is not changed in any way. City Research Online: http://openaccess.city.ac.uk/ [email protected] RESEARCHING RELATIONSHIPS: UNPACKING THE DISCURSIVE ORGANISATION OF INFIDELITY AND MONOGAMY IN PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS KATE NICHOLLS Psychology Department A thesis submitted in partial fulfilment of the requirements of City University for the degree of Doctor of Philosophy August 2008 Abstract This research employed a social constructionist paradigm and utilised discourse analysis to examine the discursive organisation of infidelity and monogamy in personal relationships. Twenty-five participants took part in this study, fifteen taking part in semi-structured interviews and ten participants taking part in group discussions (two groups of three, one group of four). The interviews and focus groups primarily explored participants’ views and experiences of monogamy and infidelity in relationships. The focus group participants were also convened for second meetings, where participants discussed the results and analysis generated from their first group meeting. The discursive analysis employed in this research was guided by a Discursive Psychology approach (Potter & Wetherell 1987) and a methodology developed to explore ‘discourse analysis in action’ by incorporating principles from Action Research. The results presented explored discursive constructions of monogamy, infidelity, relationship break-ups and also several broader relationship discourses. The findings suggest that although there is a grand discourse of monogamy often informing participants’ discussions of personal relationships, and participants draw on normative discourses in terms of labelling behaviour as in/fidelity. Participants also diversely rework discourses of monogamy and infidelity to present more contextualised accounts, varyingly constructed around their own lived experiences. The findings highlight the potential for confusion and interpersonal complications, as well as the complications for researchers, when negotiating and exploring the terrain of monogamy and infidelity in personal relationships. The findings further point to the theoretical importance of paying attention to the constructed nature of language and its role in constructing varying relationship realities. Further this thesis has contributed to a theoretical and methodological debate on the development of the use of discourse analysis as an appropriate methodology, the development of a framework to explore ‘discourse analysis in action’ posited the benefits of incorporating principles from action research into a discourse analysis method. This methodology component was theoretically interesting and also invaluable in terms of adding to the analysis and the understanding gained of infidelity and monogamy in personal relationships. Acknowledgements Firstly, I would like to thank my supervisor Carla Willig, I am indebted to your guidance, patience, support and academic ideas which helped to bring this thesis to fruition. I am grateful to City University for awarding me the Studentship which helped fund the first years of this research endeavour and for the funds to present at two international conferences: the International Society for Theoretical Psychology Conference in Cape Town (June 2005) and the International Critical Psychology Conference, in Durban (June 2005). I would like to thank my participants who shared their personal relationship stories with me, they provided me with inspiration, food for thought and at times, much needed laughter. To my mum and dad, and my sisters, thank you for helping me get here and allowing me to get this thing finished, however long it might take. To my good friends, Jo and Simon (and the Peking Palace!), Grace and Liz. Thank you for believing. To the girls at Drivers & Norris, thanks for the lunches! And for the belief in me along the way. To my comrade in arms, Paula Corcoran, we did it! Without you along for the ride I would have given up years ago, thank you. For smelly cat, thanks for the distractions. Researching Relationships: Unpacking the Discursive Organisation of Infidelity and Monogamy in Personal Relationships Table of Contents Chapter 1 Pages i-vi Preface to thesis 1.1. Personal reflections on a topic i 1.2. Overview of thesis iii Chapter 2 Pages 1-39 Literature Review 2.1. Introduction 1 2.2. Researching Infidelity 2 2.2.1 Relationship context and ‘mate value’ 2 2.2.2. Sexual attitudes and social circle 4 2.2.3. Cross-cultural 4 2.2.4. Cheating personalities 5 2.2.5. Gender 7 2.2.6. Types of infidelity 8 2.2.7. Sexuality 10 2.3. Methods of Study 12 2.3.1. The questionnaire 12 2.3.2. Forced-choice questions 13 2.3.3. Hypothetical scenarios 15 2.4. Versions of the World 16 2.4.1. Relationships 16 2.4.2. Infidelity 18 2.4.3. Distinctions – sexual and emotional infidelity 21 2.4.4. Infidelity bad/monogamy good 21 2.4.5. Heteronormativity 24 2.5. The Social Construction of Personal Relationships 25 2.5.1. Infidelity 26 2.5.2. Monogamy 28 2.5.3. Gender 30 2.5.4. Gendered relationship discourses 32 2.5.5. Relationship discourses 34 2.6. Conclusions – Where Now? 37 Chapter 3 Pages 39-66 Methodological Review 3.1. Introduction 39 3.2. Epistemological & Methodological Debates – Part 1 40 3.2.1. Social constructionism 40 3.2.2. Relativism – the un‘real’ 41 3.2.3. Discourse analysis 44 3.2.4. Study one – design 47 3.2.5. Participants – interviews 48 3.2.6. Participants – group discussions 49 3.2.7 Ethical practice 50 3.3. Methodological and Procedural Limitations 51 3.4. Epistemological & Methodological Debates – Part 2 53 3.4.1. Realism – getting real 54 3.4.2. A need for action 57 3.4.3. Existing possibilities: examples from within psychology 61 3.4.4. Study two – design 64 3.4. Where now? 66 Chapter 4 Pages 67-100 Analysis – Monogamy (individual interviews data) 4.1. Introduction 67 4.1.1 Analysis procedure 68 4.1.2. A note on terminology 69 4.2. Monogamy = a proper relationship 70 4.2.1. The only one 72 4.2.2. Monogamy = grand relationship narrative 73 4.3. Negotiating monogamy 75 4.4. Working at monogamy 81 4.5. Rescripting monogamy 82 4.6. Non-monogamy 83 4.6.1. No guarantees 85 4.6.2. Monogamy and morality 88 4.6.3. Un/safe – discourse of extremity 90 4.6.4. Non-monogamy ≠ promiscuity 93 4.7. One person’s non-monogamy is another person’s infidelity 94 4.8. Monogamy and extra-relational encounters 95 4.9. Monogamous forever versus sad pair of losers 96 4.10. Conclusions 98 Chapter 5 Pages 101-148 Analysis – Infidelity (individual interviews data) 5.1. Introduction 101 5.2. What is infidelity? 101 5.2.1. Distinguishing emotional versus sexual infidelity 102 5.2.2. Sex as signpost 105 5.2.3. Sex as the bottom-line 107 5.2.4. How big is your sin on a scale from one to ten 112 5.2.5. Infidelity ‘breaks the rules’ 118 5.2.6. Thoughts as infidelity 121 5.3. Mediating individual opinion – ‘it takes over’, ‘vacuum’ and ‘naivety’ discourses 123 5.4. Hindsight = twenty-twenty 125 5.5. Affairs 126 5.6. Cheaters’ positionings 128 5.6.1. It takes over 128 5.6.2. Cheating – but only a little bit 130 5.6.3. Transition 131 5.6.4. Mediating male norms 133 5.6.5. External voices 135 5.6.6. Negotiating the end of a relationships, shared responsibility obsessions and aberrations 137 5.6.7. Good intentions – I didn’t even look at anybody else 138 5.7. Infidelity – facilitating, an easy way out 140 5.8. Damaging self-esteem 142 5.9. Un/forgiveness 144 5.10. Conclusions 146 Chapter 6 Pages 149-195 Analysis – Monogamy and Infidelity (group data) 6.1. Introduction 149 6.2. Monogamy 151 6.2.1. The defining feature 151 6.2.2. The only one 153 6.2.3. Substantiating and undermining monogamy 155 6.2.4. Idealised relationships – I blame TV 157 6.2.5. Monogamy in the mind 158 6.3. Infidelity 160 6.3.1. Defining infidelity 160 6.3.2. Mediating factors – intent, impulses, complacency 164 6.3.3. Mediating devices – ‘cheaters’ positionings 169 6.3.3.1. Not cut and dried 170 6.3.3.2. Really bad and terrible people 172 6.3.3.3. Bastards 173 6.3.3.4. Awareness 174 6.4. The effects of relationship transgressions 175 6.4.1. Inevitable damage 176 6.4.2. Secondary analysis – inevitable damage 178 6.4.2.1. Kate got it wrong 179 6.4.2.2. Consequences for future relationships 181 6.4.2.3. Out of control 182 6.4.2.4. Getting in control 183 6.4.2.5. Fostering more critical awareness 184 6.4.3. Primary analysis continued – right to know 185 6.4.4.
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