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Sex Addiction in the Digital Age

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Sex Addiction in the Digital Age ALWAYS TURNED ON SEX ADDICTION IN THE DIGITAL AGE ROBERT WEISS, LCSW, CSAT-S JENNIFER SCHNEIDER, MD, PHD Gentle Path Press P.O. Box 3172 Carefree, Arizona 85377 gentlepath.com Copyright © 2015 by Gentle Path Press All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be used or reproduced, stored or entered into a retrieval system, transmitted, photocopied, recorded, or otherwise reproduced in any form by any mechanical or electronic means, without the prior written permission of the author, and Gentle Path Press, except for brief quotations used in articles and reviews. First edition: 2015 For more information regarding our publications, please contact Gentle Path Press at 1-800-708-1796 (toll-free U.S. only) ISBN: 978-1-9404670-1-6 Converted by http://www.eBookIt.com Editor’s note: All the stories in this book are based on actual experiences. The names and details have been changed to protect the privacy of people involved. In some cases, composites have been created. Any resemblance to actual persons is entirely coincidental. ADVANCE PRAISE Authors Weiss and Schneider capture the essence of how rapidly technology is changing arousal and attachment patterns and what you can do about it. This is sure to become the book that both clinicians and lay readers turn to in order to sort out the complexities of how technology turns us on. —Dr. Kenneth M. Adams, author of Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners and When He’s Married to Mom: How to Help Mother Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment and co-editor of Clinical Management of Sex Addiction Always Turned On is packed with the most up-to-date information about sex addiction in the digital age. Its non-shaming, encouraging tone shows not only the addict, but also partners that recovery is possible. The resources and practical advice offered by the authors is excellent for addicts that are new to recovery and their partners. —Dr. Stefanie Carnes, author of Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts, Facing Addiction: Starting Recovery from Alcohol and Drugs, and Facing Heartbreak: Steps to Recovery for Partners of Sex Addicts Weiss and Schneider are two of the world’s leading experts on how technology is shifting our understanding of human sexuality. Always Turned On provides insights and solutions for when sexual addiction meets the digital age. —Dr. David Delmonico, professor of counseling at Duquesne University, and co-author of In the Shadows of the Net, Cybersex Unplugged, and Illegal Images Always Turned On is compact, comprehensive and consistently engaging to read. It is now one of my “go to” books for guidance and just plain good advice about cybersex addiction. Great work; great resource! —Dr. Pat Love, author, The Truth about Love: The Highs, the Lows, and How You Can Make It Last Forever Sex, love and romance are delightful aspects of our humanity and a necessary part of the mating game. But what happens when these gifts of life become nothing more than a game somebody uses compulsively at the expense of deepening relationships or to medicate themselves? The authors do an excellent job of explaining how sex and romance can become addictive, why it is on the increase, and how to get back to healthy intimacy. —Dr. Brenda Schaeffer, Licensed Psychologist, Certified Addiction Specialist, and author of Is It Love or Is It Addiction? Always Turned On is a valuable and much-needed resource. It provides a detailed overview of the many compulsive sexual behaviors that can result from using today’s high-tech devices for sexual purposes. Filled with poignant stories and an abundance of practical suggestions, this enduring guide offers readers a wise game plan for healing. —Wendy Maltz, LCSW, DST, co-author of The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography and author of The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse Authors Weiss and Schneider deliver a fascinating lens into the world of the Internet and the resulting escalation in sexually compulsive pursuits. They weave research, problem and solution into this must read for those who are seeking a self-help guide to understanding the problem and steps toward healing. —Debra L. Kaplan, MA, LPC, LISAC, CSAT-S, and author of For Love and Money: Exploring Sexual & Financial Betrayal in Relationships We dedicate this book to those who seek soothing and emotional solace through the abuse of pornography and casual sex. Our hope is that by reading this book, they may begin to find their way to genuine healing, intimacy, and connection. We also dedicate this book to Jessica Grace Wing (1971–2003) beloved daughter of co-author Jennifer Schneider. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS Robert Weiss First, I want to acknowledge the incredibly supportive management team at Elements Behavioral Health. David, Rob, Keith, Vera (and too many others to name here), you have set a platform in place for me. Our work together allows me to shine on every level and I am endlessly appreciative. Thanks to my ever patient husband Jon, who helps me see past today’s fleeting free moments to when we will have more time to share and enjoy our lives together. Thanks to Corrine Casanova, Tami VerHelst and Stefanie Carnes at the International Institute of Trauma and Addiction Professionals for making the publication of this book possible. Jennifer and I could not do what we do without the support of researcher, author, editor, Scott Brassart. A special shout out to Laura Maxey and Diana Lombardi of 5WPR who work so hard to make sure the world has a chance to hear and read these words of healing. And finally, to those who seek sexual healing and recovery read on, your answers await you and then you can start recreating your life as you wish it to be. Jennifer Schneider I would like to acknowledge the support of Marni Dittmar, Lucia Yao, and David Sims, librarians at the Tucson Medical Center Library. Without their willingness to send me dozens of references on short notice, I could not possibly have accomplished the research and writing that I contributed to this book. And thank you to Debra Kaplan for many relevant conversations as well as a review of this material. I would also like to acknowledge my late daughter Jessica Grace Wing, a big participant in the early days of the Internet revolution and one of the first volunteer “digital natives.” I wish she could have lived to see how the Internet has changed the world. CONTENTS AUTHORS’ NOTE PREFACE INTRODUCTION DIGITAL TECHNOLOGY AND OUR EVER-CHANGING WORLD CHAPTER ONE SEX, TECH, AND ADDICTION CHAPTER TWO PLEASURE SEEKER OR ADDICT? UNDERSTANDING THE DIFFERENCES CHAPTER THREE THE CONSEQUENCES OF SEX GONE AWRY CHAPTER FOUR SEXUAL ADDICTION: AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY DISORDER FOR WOMEN TOO CHAPTER FIVE LOVE AND ROMANCE ADDICTION IN THE DIGITAL WORLD CHAPTER SIX TO THE CYBERSEX WIDOW AND WIDOWER CHAPTER SEVEN KIDS, FAMILY LIFE, AND CYBERSEX ADDICTION CHAPTER EIGHT FROM DISCONNECTION TO INTIMACY: THE HEALING PROCESS CHAPTER NINE GETTING HELP, GETTING WELL CHAPTER TEN SINGLE PEOPLE AND SEXUAL HEALING: THE DATING CONUNDRUM CHAPTER ELEVEN MARRIAGE, LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS, AND SEXUAL HEALING: REBUILDING THE BOND CHAPTER TWELVE MOVING BEYOND THE PROBLEM RESOURCES RESOURCES FOR ADDICTS RESOURCES FOR SPOUSES AND FAMILIES OF ADDICTS RESOURCES FOR THERAPISTS APPENDIX ACTIVITY RESOURCES THE SEXUAL BOUNDARY PLAN DEVELOPING A DATING PLAN NOTES OTHER BOOKS BY ROBERT WEISS AND JENNIFER SCHNEIDER ABOUT THE AUTHORS AUTHORS’ NOTE This is not a book about morality, cultural beliefs, cultural norms, or religion. It is not written to challenge those who enjoy porn use and other tech-driven forms of sexuality either casually or as a lifestyle. As mental health and addiction professionals it is not our job to judge human behavior in any way. Instead, we have written this book to help people whose porn use, sexual hookups, and the like have escalated to the point where those activities have become a driving life force at the expense of their own personal beliefs, morality, and lifestyle. In other words, this book is written for those whose abusive or addictive involvement with online porn and non-intimate sex (via apps and the Internet) consistently and persistently distracts them from larger personal goals like academic achievement, career development, family, intimate relationships, recreation, and community. Within these pages we offer understanding, compassion, direction, and hope to those too ashamed, fearful, or embarrassed to reach out in other ways. Although there are many views about whether pornography, virtual sex, and casual/anonymous sex are “wrong” or “right”— along with a multitude of moral, ethical, and religious beliefs on the subject—it is not the intent of this book to define or address these issues in any meaningful way. The authors support every adult in his or her right to engage in any solo or mutually consensual (and legal) sexual activity or experience that provides pleasure, satisfaction, and fulfillment. We do not believe that we or anyone else has the right to judge what turns someone on or how a person pursues sexual activity, as long as that person’s choices do not violate the intrinsic rights and safety of themselves or others. Our work is not focused on what is ethically, religiously, or politically correct for any individual or the culture at large. We do not promote censorship, nor do we believe that all pornography is problematic or exploitative, though some certainly can be—child porn most assuredly. Our primary goal within these pages is to assist people who struggle with compulsive sexual behaviors, especially when those behaviors are tech-driven, helping them to identify their problem as the chronic emotional disorder it is and to understand that it can be put into remission with proper care and direction—just like alcoholism, gambling addiction, or drug addiction.
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