My Story

It is my hope that telling my story will help even one person not to fall into the porn trap which caught me. My story is very hard to tell because every part of it hurts so much and is full of bad memories and broken lives. Some of the memories are still being made as I have no real normal life anymore. My porn started out like any other addiction. First look at magazines which everyone looks at right? Then you need more and more to get the same high you got the first time. Eventually stress entered my life through work and I withdrew into my own secret little dirty world of porn. The beauty of internet made porn easily reachable with just a click of the mouse button. And I mean everything. Even better it was free, so I thought. Unknown to me at the time I was becoming desensitised to normal stimulation I use to get when I started looking at porn. Eventually normal porn and extreme porn wasn’t enough to get me into that high I wanted to escape to so I could better deal with my stress and addiction. I then stumbled across P2P sites by using specific free software. I found references to terms and letters I wasn’t familiar with and curiosity got the better of me. I did a click, cut and paste. The search field gave me access to the most taboo porn I had ever seen. At first it disgusted me but gave me that shock and wow factor my brain needed. It wasn’t looking for anything in particular I just needed something to get the high I needed. On a day I will remember forever there was a knock on the door at 0700 in the morning. For some reason I remember saying to myself that’s the police coming to arrest me. I was right they were there to take me away and seize everything associated with the internet, cameras, mobile phones, any storage devices we had in the house. That day my life changed forever and not for the better. I remember the look on everyone’s faces wondering what was going on. Police were everywhere in the house. My wife kept saying to the police, “you’ve made a mistake you have the wrong person.” She was wrong they had the correct person and I told her “it was me, I’m so sorry” when I left. Since that day I have been saying I’m sorry to her and everyone which will continue for the rest of my life. A lifetime of saying I’m sorry will never be enough to make up for the harm I have caused my wife, my family and the people on the other side of the cameras. I betrayed my wife, destroyed our marriage, have caused unknown long term effects on my children as they were there when the police arrived along with carrying the dirty surname associated with my guilty convection and media coverage. We did explain to them age appropriately what their father did and how wrong and sorry he was for the pain it caused. I became part of a pornographic supply chain creating demand for a product which doesn’t have any usefulness to society. After my arrest on 21 April 2016 I was determined to understand why I allowed myself to be taken into such a taboo world which was against everything I believed. Through my research online I began to discover that I had a porn addiction which I believe manifests itself similar to addiction of alcohol, drugs, and gambling. Sequence of events: 1. I moved out of family home as per 1st bail conditions and stayed in a B&B one night. I wasn’t allowed any contact with my boys who were underage. I had to stay in hotel for 10 days as I sorted out a suitable room which met my bail conditions. I moved into a house with a married couple who had no children. They knew nothing about my arrest or the investigation.

2. Attended my GP to seek help with depression and stress. I also advised my GP of what happened and the fact I wasn’t coping with the reality of my arrest and the magnitude of what I had done. I was having trouble even walking, sleeping all the time and not eating at all. I am currently on Citalopram tablets of 20 mg per day. The medication has helped me focus on my problems and deal with the stress of my current situation.

3. While in custody on the 21st of April 2016 the police gave me several pamphlets one of which was for a website called “Stop It Now”. This site had an online program and looked like the perfect tool for me to understand my problem and guide myself through a modular program in the privacy of my choosing. Due to my worries of how to access this information privately and the fact that ALL the computers in the house were seized by police I didn’t start the program until several weeks later. The link to their website is http://get-help.stopitnow.org.uk/self-help/self- help-intro. Due to access and privacy I would print out each module and complete in my rented room. I had to keep the hardcopies locked in my car.

a. List of the completed 17 module course below:

4. Contacted “Stop It Now” via phone 2x. I discussed the details of my problems and arrest and was guided to the above self help program. They were very helpful in their guidance.

5. Contacted the “Samaritans” via phone on 3 x occasions due to not coping well before medication took effect. Very helpful guiding me through difficult coping process.

6. Secured a computer for the home and located it in a central location in the house so my wife could monitor my activity helping me break the cycle and desire to view any .

7. Discussed with my GP about mental health assistance so I could get help for my addiction. GP made contact with Dr at the Priory in Chelmsford who performed an assessment with me and suggested I start sessions with one of their addiction therapist. The assessment report was sent to my GP and copies to my attorney.

8. Scheduled therapy sessions with therapist meeting him initially every week and now it has been reduced to monthly. Through his guidance and his knowledge of drug addiction I have come a long way through the recovery process. My therapist suggested I attend Sex and Love Addiction, (SLA) meetings for further help.

9. I attended several SLA meetings in Colchester which I found to be very difficult due to the discussions centred on addition to sex, number of times you masturbated and desires to cheat or stray. I felt I could not open up to these people about my VERY taboo problem and how adult and extreme pornography had led me to where I am now. At this point I had and continue to abstain from any sexual thoughts or self pleasure. I find the thought of it revolting and cannot nor will not allow it to consume me again. The thoughts are still there but I now understand what to look for and suppress the thoughts. Always looking for the warning flags.

a. I did learn and studied The Twelve Steps of S.L.A.A.* i. 1. We admitted we were powerless over sex and love addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable. ii. 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. iii. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God. iv. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. v. 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. vi. 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. vii. 7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings. viii. 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. ix. 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. x. 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. xi. 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with a Power greater than ourselves, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out. xii. 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to sex and love addicts and to practice these principles in all areas of our lives. b. I have not returned to any other sessions as I am not ready to support others.

10. My online self assessment has concluded I have

a. Pornography addiction is an addiction model of compulsive sexual activity with concurrent use of pornographic material, despite negative consequences to one's physical, mental, social, or financial well-being. The rewarding and reinforcing (i.e., addictive) properties of cybersex have been evidenced using cue reactivity experiments with pornographic cues in humans, which supports the classification of cybersex addiction as a true behavioural addiction.[5]

b. Problematic viewing is viewing of internet pornography that is problematic for an individual due to personal or social reasons; including excessive time spent viewing pornography instead of interacting with others. Individuals may report depression, social isolation, career loss, decreased productivity, or financial consequences as a result of their excessive Internet pornography viewing impeding on their social life.[6]

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopaedia Hypersexual disorder was proposed in 2010 for inclusion in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Fifth Edition (DSM-5) of the American Psychiatric Association (APA). The Sexual and Gender Identity Disorders Workgroup recommended inclusion in the DSM-5 in Section III (Emerging Measures and Models, Conditions for Further Study); however, it was ultimately excluded from the final publication of the DSM-5.[1] The label "hypersexual disorder" was reportedly chosen because it did not imply any specific theory for what causes hypersexuality, which remains unknown.[2] A proposal to add sexual addiction to the DSM system had been previously rejected by the APA, as not enough evidence suggested to them that the condition is analogous to substance , as that name would imply.[3][4][5] In the diagnostic criteria proposed for Hypersexual Disorder by Kafka (2012), it was characterized as a pattern involving repetitive and intense preoccupation with sexual fantasies, urges, and behaviours, leading to adverse consequences and clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. Further, hypersexual individuals typically experience multiple unsuccessful attempts to control or diminish the amount of time spent engaging in sexual fantasies, urges, and behaviours in response to dysphoric mood states or stressful life events. The proposed criteria indicate that symptoms must also persist for a period of at least 6 months and occur independent of substance use, mania, or a medical condition in order for a diagnosis of hypersexual disorder to be established. [6] The proposal also included specifiers identifying which sexual behaviours were problematic: , pornography use, cybersex, etc.

11. Understanding what led up to the use of pornography has a history centred on: a. Pressures at work b. Stress c. Depression. d. In February 2015, the problems mounted and I used on line pornography to escape from the stress of my job. We were notified of pending closure of the site but could not get a true date of when this would happen thus looking for a new job was impossible without losing my 10 yrs of redundancies. e. A few years before I stopped exercising f. Playing my guitar g. Reading h. I put on a lot of weight bringing down my self confidence. i. I found myself looking for more extreme images and movies to satisfy the need to escape into my private dirty little world online. I never considered the ramifications of looking at illegal images until now. j. A decreased sexual life between my wife and I while I kept viewing porn.

12. I have now returned to push bike riding routine making the trip into work of 5.2 miles one way at least 3 x per week. I bike regularly weekends usually doing 30 to 40 miles as indicated on my Strava website.

13. I have secured new employment with a very well know multinational company in West Sussex. The address does keep me away from my family in Suffolk making it hard to be a father and husband. The job is very enjoyable and I hope to keep it although it is in jeopardy due to my conviction.

14. Through this time my wife has stood by me supporting me as best she can while still protecting the boys from any fallout that might come from the publicity of my conviction. She does have an unforgiving issue with what I did and cannot bear to think that “her Michael did such a thing” For her it is an unforgivable transgression which will never be understood. I fear this is something that will never be resolved between us and always keep us apart as husband and wife.

15. I am currently working through a brain reboot program where I have set goals for myself to never view any type of pornography again. To date I have been able to keep this goal. https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?forums/rebooting.2/

16. I feel my problem is mental and through the help of the Priory I will be successfully in keeping my addiction in check and under control. I will never be able to say I am cured but am confident I will have it under control.

17. I understand what I did was wrong and I made a big mistake doing what I did by not keeping the addiction under control. Through the “Stop It Now” website I understand what I did was an offence. I never considered the individuals who were on the other side of the camera as victims. I never considered the long term effects on my life, my family and society. I wish I could tell everyone who was affected by my use of illegal images I‘m sorry; that is an impossible mission.

18. I was not aware of the legality of extreme pornography until I was asked about it during the second interview at the Police Investigation Centre. After studying the term online I now understand the offensiveness of what I did by viewing the images.

19. To date I have not had any desire to view images and when I feel the desire to view warning bells go off in my head to read, to play the guitar, ride my bike or talk to someone to take my mind away from the desires.

20. I have now set up a website called www.SIPN.co.uk (Stop Internet Porn Now). It is my hope that through this website I can somehow help others not follow the path I fell into. I want to get the internet service providers,(ISP), to be accountable for allowing any pornographic traffic through their service. It’s time to Stop Internet Porn Now before it erodes society anymore.