My Story It is my hope that telling my story will help even one person not to fall into the porn trap which caught me. My story is very hard to tell because every part of it hurts so much and is full of bad memories and broken lives. Some of the memories are still being made as I have no real normal life anymore. My porn addiction started out like any other addiction. First look at magazines which everyone looks at right? Then you need more and more to get the same high you got the first time. Eventually stress entered my life through work and I withdrew into my own secret little dirty world of porn. The beauty of internet made porn easily reachable with just a click of the mouse button. And I mean everything. Even better it was free, so I thought. Unknown to me at the time I was becoming desensitised to normal stimulation I use to get when I started looking at porn. Eventually normal porn and extreme porn wasn’t enough to get me into that high I wanted to escape to so I could better deal with my stress and addiction. I then stumbled across P2P sites by using specific free software. I found references to terms and letters I wasn’t familiar with and curiosity got the better of me. I did a click, cut and paste. The search field gave me access to the most taboo porn I had ever seen. At first it disgusted me but gave me that shock and wow factor my brain needed. It wasn’t looking for anything in particular I just needed something to get the high I needed. On a day I will remember forever there was a knock on the door at 0700 in the morning. For some reason I remember saying to myself that’s the police coming to arrest me. I was right they were there to take me away and seize everything associated with the internet, cameras, mobile phones, any storage devices we had in the house. That day my life changed forever and not for the better. I remember the look on everyone’s faces wondering what was going on. Police were everywhere in the house. My wife kept saying to the police, “you’ve made a mistake you have the wrong person.” She was wrong they had the correct person and I told her “it was me, I’m so sorry” when I left. Since that day I have been saying I’m sorry to her and everyone which will continue for the rest of my life. A lifetime of saying I’m sorry will never be enough to make up for the harm I have caused my wife, my family and the people on the other side of the cameras. I betrayed my wife, destroyed our marriage, have caused unknown long term effects on my children as they were there when the police arrived along with carrying the dirty surname associated with my guilty convection and media coverage. We did explain to them age appropriately what their father did and how wrong and sorry he was for the pain it caused. I became part of a pornographic supply chain creating demand for a product which doesn’t have any usefulness to society. After my arrest on 21 April 2016 I was determined to understand why I allowed myself to be taken into such a taboo world which was against everything I believed. Through my research online I began to discover that I had a porn addiction which I believe manifests itself similar to addiction of alcohol, drugs, and gambling. Sequence of events: 1. I moved out of family home as per 1st bail conditions and stayed in a B&B one night. I wasn’t allowed any contact with my boys who were underage. I had to stay in hotel for 10 days as I sorted out a suitable room which met my bail conditions. I moved into a house with a married couple who had no children. They knew nothing about my arrest or the investigation. 2. Attended my GP to seek help with depression and stress. I also advised my GP of what happened and the fact I wasn’t coping with the reality of my arrest and the magnitude of what I had done. I was having trouble even walking, sleeping all the time and not eating at all. I am currently on Citalopram tablets of 20 mg per day. The medication has helped me focus on my problems and deal with the stress of my current situation. 3. While in custody on the 21st of April 2016 the police gave me several pamphlets one of which was for a website called “Stop It Now”. This site had an online program and looked like the perfect tool for me to understand my problem and guide myself through a modular program in the privacy of my choosing. Due to my worries of how to access this information privately and the fact that ALL the computers in the house were seized by police I didn’t start the program until several weeks later. The link to their website is http://get-help.stopitnow.org.uk/self-help/self- help-intro. Due to access and privacy I would print out each module and complete in my rented room. I had to keep the hardcopies locked in my car. a. List of the completed 17 module course below: 4. Contacted “Stop It Now” via phone 2x. I discussed the details of my problems and arrest and was guided to the above self help program. They were very helpful in their guidance. 5. Contacted the “Samaritans” via phone on 3 x occasions due to not coping well before medication took effect. Very helpful guiding me through difficult coping process. 6. Secured a computer for the home and located it in a central location in the house so my wife could monitor my activity helping me break the cycle and desire to view any pornography. 7. Discussed with my GP about mental health assistance so I could get help for my addiction. GP made contact with Dr at the Priory in Chelmsford who performed an assessment with me and suggested I start sessions with one of their addiction therapist. The assessment report was sent to my GP and copies to my attorney. 8. Scheduled therapy sessions with therapist meeting him initially every week and now it has been reduced to monthly. Through his guidance and his knowledge of drug addiction I have come a long way through the recovery process. My therapist suggested I attend Sex and Love Addiction, (SLA) meetings for further help. 9. I attended several SLA meetings in Colchester which I found to be very difficult due to the discussions centred on addition to sex, number of times you masturbated and desires to cheat or stray. I felt I could not open up to these people about my VERY taboo problem and how adult and extreme pornography had led me to where I am now. At this point I had and continue to abstain from any sexual thoughts or self pleasure. I find the thought of it revolting and cannot nor will not allow it to consume me again. The thoughts are still there but I now understand what to look for and suppress the thoughts. Always looking for the warning flags. a. I did learn and studied The Twelve Steps of S.L.A.A.* i. 1. We admitted we were powerless over sex and love addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable. ii. 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. iii. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God. iv. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. v. 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. vi. 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. vii. 7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings. viii. 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. ix. 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. x. 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. xi. 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with a Power greater than ourselves, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out. xii. 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to sex and love addicts and to practice these principles in all areas of our lives. b. I have not returned to any other sessions as I am not ready to support others. 10. My online self assessment has concluded I have Pornography Addiction a. Pornography addiction is an addiction model of compulsive sexual activity with concurrent use of pornographic material, despite negative consequences to one's physical, mental, social, or financial well-being. The rewarding and reinforcing (i.e., addictive) properties of cybersex have been evidenced using cue reactivity experiments with pornographic cues in humans, which supports the classification of cybersex addiction as a true behavioural addiction.[5] b. Problematic internet pornography viewing is viewing of internet pornography that is problematic for an individual due to personal or social reasons; including excessive time spent viewing pornography instead of interacting with others.