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Current! HV ^% February 2010 • Volume 36, No. 6 HealthZ SEXUALITY NEWSLETTER All You Need Is ? When deciding about , iisten to your heart-and your head. By Melissa Daly

It's OK if you're in love." That's what some « teens say about having sex. On the other hand, some teens don't feel the need to love or even be in a relationship with their partners to get physical. "There's no one common among teens today about any aspect of sex and love," remarks Benedict W.. 17, a member of the Washington. D.C.. Teen Advisory Group of the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned . "Although, iove is often seen as a complication," she adds, such as when one partner feels it and the other doesn't. "Perhaps you should be in love before you have sex with someone," but iove alone isn't enough of a reason, says Karen Rayne, a sex educator in Austin, Texas. "'Are you in love or not' is something important to ponder, but 'should you have sex or not' is a very different kind of question." So how do you figure out whether you are really in love—and what does that mean about your readiness for sex?

Crazy In Love Love means different things to different people. To some, it's that butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling at the beginning of a new . For others, it's the long-term attachment that comes way after the butterflies in a . For many research scientists studying love, it's both. {See "The Science of Being Smitten.") Almost everyone, however, can agree that is another animal. The hormone (which everyone has) kicks Into gear during , making it possible to desire a physical connection I without any interest in an emotional one. That desire I is lust, or physical attraction—a result of the natural

Human Sexuality Newsletter Febiuaiy20lO 1 human sex drive. It might come as a feeling of "love One more way to evaluate the depth of your at first sight," or even a reflex such as relationship is to ask your best friend what he or an or . If you list the she thinks about the object of your affection. things you like about a potential partner and they're "Often when you're in love, you don't have a good all physical attributes, such as great hair or a nice sense of the person. You have a warm, fuzzy feel- body, lust is most likely what you're feeling. The flut- ing, but that's not the same as a cold, hard look tery, flushed feeling you get around a crush may be at him or her—and it's not supposed to be," says similar to the excitement of a new love, but if you Rayne, "Your friends are much more able to be don't actually know much about each other's per- objective and say whether they're feeling that sonalities, it's probably still lust for the moment. Of same warmth about him or her," If they aren't, you course, lust can grow into love, but it doesn't always. don't have to break up. Just put the brakes on sex When one partner is in love and the other only in for six months, let everyone get to know one lust, having sex can make a subsequent rejection another more, and see how things look later. more painful. Of course, even being mutually in love is no magic charm against heartbreak. However, Love Is Blind the longer you spend together and the better you In the midst of a new romance, you're really not get to know each other, the more solid your bond thinking straight. And that's where the intertwining may become, "I call it " through the sea- of lust and love can be a problem. When you're in sons,'" says Nancy Brown, an adolescent relation- love, your can do no wrong in your ship and sexuality expert and education project eyes—your feelings for him or her are so overpow- manager at Palo Alto Medical Foundation in ering that you can't imagine she or he would hurt California. "Most of us can be on our best behavior you, even unintentionally. That sense of trust, and for a while, but we start letting down our guard by also concern over what your partner will think of about three to four months," After that point, you'll you, may be why teens are less likely to use con- see more sides of your partner—such as how she doms when hooking up with a serious relationship or he handles bad days or conflicts—rather than partner than with a casual partner, according to a just the perfect image that person displays at first. recent study in the Journal of Adolescent Health. Going through those times together could bring you "No matter how deeply in love you are. It's not pro- closer or make you realize that you and the other tecting your cervix or your penis from bacteria and person might not be the best match after all. viruses," says Brown. "Love is no guarantee against pregnancy, disease, or even sometimes a partner's ." Sexual activity with anyone car- ries serious risks, including unplanned pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Love and sex need to stay separate in your mind at least long enough to arrange for—and use—protection, says Brown. That means con- doms to reduce the transmission of STIs, plus, for vaginal intercourse, a backup contraceptive method such as the pill, patch, or ring. While love itself doesn't make sex safer, it can create a more favorable environment for healthy sexuality, "If your partner really you, he or she will go with you to the clinic a month beforehand to get protection, use it, and be com- mitted to making sure you have a good experi- ence," says Brown, "If not, his or her motivations may not be the same as yours," THE SCIENCE OF BEING SMinEN

"Have you ever felt real heartache?" asked Lucy Brown. The volunteers in various stages of love and studied scans of neurology professor at Albert Einstein College of Medicine in their brain's activity. Turns out, the part that fires when you New York City began a recent lecture to the Science Writers think of your beloved is nestled deep in the brain region in New York with that question, and nearly that controls our most basic behaviors. everyone in the room nodded. Brown and "Romantic love is part of a survival sys- her research partner, Helen Fisher, an tem our brains evolved," explained Brown. anthropologist at Rutgers University in New That system has three parts which combine Jersey, described what happens in our to help reproduce. The first part is brains when we fall in love-and why. lust a.k.a. the sex drive, fueled in both men That intoxicating rush of romantic love and women by the hormone testosterone. during the first year or so of a relationship •That gets you out the door and looking for is what they explore. In one study. Fisher potential partners," said Brown. The next part determined new love's most common is romantic love, which narrows our focus to "symptoms": one special person. The third piece is attachment "to help Special meaning. Everything about the person you tolerate ttiat person at least long enough to raise a child seems different, unique, and special. together," quipped Brown. Heightened energy. You're bouncing off the walls. All three drives interact "When you fall madly in love, Mood swings. Euphoria vi^en she or he calls; there's an increase in ... testosterone, and everything about despair when she or he doesn't that person becomes sexually attractive," said Fisher. "And Bodiiy reactions. Think stammering, sweating, after , there's a flood of and vasopressin." or shaking. Those are brain chemicals associated with feelings of attach- Craving for emotional union. You're dying to hear ment, she adds, "which is why even 'casual' sex is almost "I love you," more tJian you're dying to have sex. never actually casual.''Things don't always work perfectly; its Obsessive thinking. Your mind is on the other per- possible to feel lust without love, attachment without lust, or son 24-7. even attachment to one person and love for another. Compulsive following. You keep looking at his or That brings back the question about heartache. The her Facebook page or texting to check in. brain scan of a person recently rejected by someone they Involuntary nature. Feelings are hard to control. love looks very similar to the brain scan of a cocaine addict Previous research, some by Fisher, has proved those expe- during a craving," said Brown. It's no wonder, then, why a riences are universal. can leave you unable to eat sleep, or think To find out what causes them, the researchers recruited straight-kind of like love itself.

Having multiple sexual partners—either sleeping sex is a positive or a negative experience. People several different people or having a series of often say that communication is the key to a good exclusive relationships—increases the risk of STIs. relationship—but what does that really mean? Any sort of limiting criteria—such as having sex only "I give teens a list of 10 things to do before they with someone a person loves, or is in a long-term, have sex, many of which require a conversation committed relationship v^ith, or is married to—helps with their partner." says Rayne. "If they can marv reduce the chances of contracting an infection. age to go through each item on their own, then talk about each one together, that indicates they have Do You Like Me? Check Yes or No. good communication." Cruising through them solo Just as love doesn't make you immune from infec- isn't enough, she adds. "A big part of being in a tions, neither does it ensure you're in a healthy rela- healthy sexual relationship is reciprocity—that is. tionship. That can make a big difference in vi/hether making sure each partner is giving and taking in

Human Sexuality New^etter Febmaiy 2010 3 approximately equal amounts." Here is that list of 10 things to do: 1. Know each other's sexual history. This is about more than just determining your partner's disease risk. "It's about getting to know where your part- ner is coming from, how well they know them- selves, how responsible they've been, which can tell you a lot about a person," says Rayne. 2. Know your partner's STI status and your own. Get tested before you have sex—even if neither part- ner has had sex before. Call it a trial run. 3. Discuss exactly what birth control and STI protection you'll use. Both partners shouid be involved in the decision. 4. For heterosexual couples, discuss what you'il do if Lust + the woman gets pregnant. Agree on a hypothetical What do you get when you combine hooking up and friend- plan, acknowledging that your feelings could ship but leave out the romance? Friends with benefits. change if it actually happened. White not being luve-btmck may make il easier to think 5. Get your best friend's blessing. Having a second clearly about protection, this scenario comes with its own opinion helps. (See the "Crazy In Love" section.) unique pros and cons. "It might be the right arrangement 6. iVIeet your partner's . It'll help you know for someone who wants to explore his or her sexuality in a him or her more deeply—even if he or she is respectful and open environment" but who isn't Interested nothing like the . in being in a romantic relationship, says sex educator 7. Learn what turns you on. Know what does and Karen Rayne. TTie downside is that there's a decent chance doesn't feel good to you so you're able to show of one partner developing unrequited feelings for the other, your partner. ruining the . "Both people must be brutally hon- 8. Be comfortabie naked in front of each other. If that est that all they want is a physical relationship" advises sounds crazy, it's totally understandable—but Rayne. Finai caveat: Proceed with caution. it may mean you're not ready for sex yet. 9. Have protection ready. Even if you are both certi- fied infection-free and monogamous, using it is Sex, Etc www.sexetc.org just a good habit to start and maintain. Click on Deciding About Sex for stories and from teens on figuring out whether 10. Make sure your partner does each of these things to take things to the next levei. too. Take care of yourself and each other.

Remember: Checking off each item on a list doesn't automatically mean it's the right time for you to have sex. The same goes for being in love. Putting both Write to Us! your head and your heart into every new sexual deci- If you would like our human sexuality experts to answer sion is the surest way to wind up happy with the your questions in a future issue, please e-mail us at choices youVe made. CH2 [email protected].

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4 Februaiy2010 Human Sexuaflty Newsletter Current Health2, "All You Need Is love?"

We will be reading an article that discussions what you should consider before deciding it is alright to have sex. Before reading answer the following questions before reading.

I think - yes I think - no

1. It is alright to have sex if you are not in love with the person.

2. It is alright to have sex with a person if you have a relationship.

3. Being in love has different meanings for people

4. Physical attraction and lust are different

5. There is no such thing as, "love at first sight"

6. When teens are in "love" they are more likely to use

use protection during sex.

Read the section titled, "Crazy in Love," then respond to the following question

1. Write down how you define love.

2. Explain how a person can be very attracted to another person but not re~lIy be in love with that person. _

3. How can you apply the idea of, "dating through the seasons," to your life and WHY wou Id th is be a good idea? _ Read the section titled, "Love is Blind," then answer the question.

4. When you are in a new romance explain what can happen. _

Why can that happen? _

Read the section titled, "00 You Like Me? Check yes or no." Then answer the question.

What can you apply from this section to your life? How can you have better relationships?

"The Science of Being Smitten," read this section, then draw a picture or make a diagram that shows the following: 8 symptoms of romantic love, explain or show what 3 parts of our brain get involved - what are they doing?