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CALIFORNIA STATE UNIVERSITY, NORTHRIDGE

AN INVESTIGATION OF THE SELF-GUIDED MEDITATIVE FANTASY AS A MEANS TOWARD WHOLENESS

A thesis submitted in partial satisfaction of the requirements for the degree of Master of Arts in

Education, Educational Psychology,

Counseling and Guidance

by

Gerard A. Hirschfield

January, 1979 The thesis of Gerard A. Hirschfield is approved:

Joe M9Nair, Ph.D.

California State University, Northridge

ii PREFACE

This thesis contains material of a very personal nature. This material is revealed here neither as a show of bravado nor as an attack on anyone, but only because it is an integral part of the topic area I chose for my thesis.

No close human relationship can be all good or all bad, though the child part of us would often like to think

so. Rather all of us seem to be mixtures of opposed forces and energies. I have the deepest respect for my parents, for my former wife, and for my children. I trust they will see the material presented here not in a pejora­ tive sense, but as it is intended, as the result of an honest search into the unconscious with no preconceived conscious notions on my part as to what would emerge. It is also an attempt to report what I found honestly and objectively to the extent that is possible. In almost all cases, I have tried to protect identities by changing names. I can only hope that my attempts not to injure any­ one willfully will succeed.

iii ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

My grateful acknowledgement is extended to my thesis committee, Margaret Thompson, Jim Ferrell, and Joe McNair who encouraged me in my choice of topic and gave me the guidance and support needed to complete this project.

I wish to thank Donna Marzola for her loving support, enthusiasm, and encouragement as well as her expert typing of several drafts of this thesis. Many thanks also to

Phyl Sukitch and Kay Heinzman for their generous efforts and able performance in typing preliminary drafts and to

Lynne Turner for her valuable assistance in typing the final copy within a very short time during the busy

Christmas holiday season.

iv TABLE OF CONTENTS

page

PREFACE . . . . . iii ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS iv LIST OF TABLES vii ABSTRACT viii Chapter

l INTRODUCTION . l

STATEMENT OF CONCEPT .•... l STATEMENT OF PROBLEM AND RESEARCH QUESTIONS • . • . • .•••. 3 OUTLINE OF RESEARCH PROCEDURE- • 5

2 REVIEW OF LITERATURE . 8

FANTASY ...• 9 MEDITATION • 23

3 METHODOLOGY 29

PROJECT BACKGROUND 29

Psychosynthesis ...... 30 Holistic Healing Workshop ...... 31

PHASE 0 METHODOLOGY . . . • • • . 33 PHASE 1 AND 2 METHODOLOGY . • • • • . . . 34

4 DATA COLLECTION AND ANALYSIS - PHASE 0 . 41

5 DATA COLLECTION AND ANALYSIS - PHASES 1 AND 2 ...... • . • ...... 59

SESSION DATA DEALING WITH SEXUALITY 67

Phase l Sessions 68 Phase 2 Sessions . . 84

v Chapter Page

SESSION DATA DEALING WITH CHANGE . 105

Changes of Fantasy Figures . . 105 Session 19--Wednesday, January 12, 19 7 7 ...... 106 Session 20--Sunday, January 16, 19 77 ~ ...... 108 Session 25--Wednesday, February 2, 19 7 7 • • • • . • . • • • • • • • • • • 112 Session 26--Sunday, February 6, 1977 115 Session 27--Wednesday, February 9, 19 7 7 • • • • • • • • • • • 120 Changes Through Increases in Insight 123

6 DISCUSSION OF RESULTS 128 PRIMARY QUESTION RELATED TO PREVIOUS WORK OF THERAPISTS/SCIENTISTS . . • . • 129 PRIMARY QUESTION IN THE LIGHT OF PERSONAL EXPERIENCES . • • • . • 140 SECONDARY QUESTION . . • . • • • . • . 142 SUBORDINATE QUESTIONS . • . • • • . • 143

7 SUMMARY AND CONCLUSIONS 158 PROJECT SUMMARY 158 CONCLUSIONS 160

General Conclusions ... 160 Personal Conclusions . 161

REFERENCE NOTES 164

BIBLIOGRAPHY 165

vi LIST OF TABLES

Table Page

1 Session Schedule Phase 1 36

2 Session Schedule Phase 2 38

3 Inner Entities Appearing During Phase 0 42

4 Session Themes Phase 1 60

5 Session Themes Phase 2 62

6 Changes in Insight Resulting from Phase 2 Sessions ...... 124

7 Categorization of Inner Entities by Function ...... 146

8 Categorization of Inner Entities by Form . 147

vii ABSTRACT

AN INVESTIGATION OF THE SELF-GUIDED MEDITATIVE FANTASY

AS A MEANS TOWARD WHOLENESS

by

Gerard A. Hirschfield

Master of Arts in Education, Educational Psychology,

Counseling and Guidance

This study entails the assessment of self-guided medi­

tative fantasies as an aid toward greater self-acceptance and self-integration. The primary and secondary research questions ask whether the self-guided fantasy can serve as an aid to greater awareness and integration, and whether by engaging in such fantasies, an individual can improve views and attitudes toward self and environment.

The literature on meditation and fantasy is reviewed and reveals several instances of use of guided fantasy in psychotherapy. A series of 34 meditative fantasy sessions were held by the author who used himself as a subject. The series of sessions slowly led to the unfolding of a pattern

viii related to a major problem in the author's life in the area

of sexuality.

Through the course of these fantasies, the author con­

tacted 29 different unconscious figures, characters, and

objects and carried on existential dialogues with nearly

all of them. Through these dialogues, the author became

acquainted with elements within himself he either did not know existed, or of which he had only a dim conscious know­

ledge. Those fantasy figures responsible for blocking

energy flow agreed in return for certain concessions to

unblock the flow and let the author continue his emotional and spiritual development.

The unconscious fantasy figures represented archetypal energies as defined by C. G. Jung, which manifested them­ selves in the form of mythical or legendary characters, animals, or objects. The author found corroboration in the literature for both his fantasy experience related to the personal problem, and for the reflection of this problem in the greater cosmogenic cycles explored in mythological tales.

The major conclusions of the study, based on both per­ sonal experience and on experience reported in the litera­ ture, are that the self-guided fantasy is a very useful tool to aid in assimilation and integration of archetypal energy and thereby self-integration. A secondary conclu­ sion is that the internal dialogue with each entity to be integrated is crucial. Also, the structure and pace of the

sessions, if too great, can cause resistance to occur. The

self-guided fantasy seems to lend itself best to uncon­ strained conditions.

X Chapter 1 INTRODUCTION

STATEMENT OF CONCEPT

The purpose of this research project is to investigate

the self-guided meditative fantasy as an aid to self­

acceptance and self-integration. Therapeutic processes are

g~nerally very effective in bringing unconscious material

to consciousness. However, the process for assimilation

and integration of this material is often much less clearly

defined. The guided fantasy has proved to be a useful tool

to facilitate the integration process because it deals directly with the unconscious energies which may be block­

ing the integration.

The study includes the assessment of the distinctive

features of this project with respect to other work in this

field, such as:

1. The author using himself as a subject through the use of self-guided meditative fantasies;

2. The use of interactive fantasies involving a dialogue with the fantasy figures;

3. The effect of structure on resistance to engaging in fantasy.

Th~ symbols which emerged during the self-guided

1 2

meditative fantasies, when examined and understood in the

light of theoretical constructs presented in the litera­

ture, pointed the way toward increased self-awareness and

personal as well as interpersonal integration. The drama

which ensued as a result of continued fantasy dialogue led

to working through a major problem in the author's life.

It has long been known (Jung, 1969; Watkins, 1975;

Campbell, 1970), that the unconscious part of the human

psyche contains a vast array of archetypal forces and ten­

dencies which may be reached via the method of guided

fantasy. Desoille (1945) was one of the first therapists

to elaborate on the use of this method with his clients.

Although Jung (1963) and Assagioli (1965) recommend the method as well, Desoille detailed the use of it with

several clients and described the results obtained.

The definition of a guided fantasy--also called a guided or directed waking dream--will be addressed in

Ch~pter 2. For the moment, let us say that a guided fantasy is a sequence or stream of images spontaneously produced by the unconscious, the direction of which (in a spatial or temporal sense) is guided by suggestions made by another person--usually the therapist. An important ele­ ment of the guided fantasy is a suggested direction of movement--usually either up or down--which is analogous to internal movement of the subject's psyche either toward the spiritual Self, or superconscious (Assagioli, 1965), or 3 down into the depth of the personal unconscious. The down­ to-up direction also symbolizes movement from earth-to-sky, hell-to-heaven, or underworld-to-world of the gods.

The main difference between the guided fantasy dis­ cussed and used by numerous authors reviewed in Chapter 2 and the self-guided fantasy which is the subject of this thesis is that the latter is carried out alone according to general pre-suggested guidelines. The results of the two techniques are similar. Although numerous cases of guided fantasy or directed waking dreams are reported in the literature, no cases of non-drug-induced self-guided fantasies have been found by the author.

STATEMENT OF PROBLEM AND RESEARCH QUESTIONS

This study examines the use of self-guided meditative fantasies as an aid to greater self-awareness and increased integration. Self-guided fantasies were first used in psychotherapy in Europe in the 1930's and 1940's (Desoille,

1945; Watkins, 1976), and were made more popular in the

United States through Psychosynthesis (Assagioli, 1965) and more recently through the holistic healing movement (Oyle,

197 5, Note 1). The power of guided fantasies appears to be that they enable the subject to establish direct contact with the unconscious and archetypal energies which are blocking the flow toward growth. This contact through dialogue and possibly negotiation between equals frees the energy blockage and permits the resumption of the arrested 4 process of individuation (Jung, 1963).

The research question addressed in this study is whether such fantasies can bridge the gap found in some therapies between bringing unconscious material into con­ sciousness and assimilating that material. A further question is whether working on oneself through self-guided meditative fantasies leads to improving one's view of and interaction with environment. These questions and subordinate ones are summarized below.

The primary research question is: Can the self­ guided meditative fantasy increase individual integration toward wholeness by bringing certain contents of the uncon­ scious to consciousness?

A secondary question is: By consciously dealing with material brought up from the unconscious through self­ guided meditative fantasies, can a person change his/her attitudes toward self and environment such that the per­ son's view of and interaction with that environment ameliorates?

Subordinate to the primary and secondary questions, the following questions arise:

1. How does the self-guided fantasy material relate to:

a. Current events in subject's life,

b. Earlier life experiences,

c. Pre-life collective experiences related to 5

archtypical motifs as they may be expressed through myths

and legends?

2. What are the determinants of the selection of

inner characters which appear, and of their symbolic

representation in the fantasy?

3. What is the psychic mechanism by which encounter

with fantasy characters or sub-personalities produces a

change in consciousness?

4. To what extent does structure imposed on conducting

the fantasy sessions affect fantasy content and resistance

to engaging in fantasy?

OUTLINE OF RESEARCH PROCEDURE

Since this project entails the application of the

guided fantasy to oneself without the aid of a therapist,

the approach selected was first to conduct a series of

self-guided meditative fantasy sessions; second to conduct

a literature search to determine the applicability of work done in the field; third to analyze the fantasy material in

light of the research work done by others; and finally to reach some conclusions regarding the research questions and

sub-questions.

It was deemed important to conduct the self-guided

fantasy sessions prior to the literature search to provide minimum outside contamination of spontaneous unconscious material. As mentioned previously, the application of the guided fantasy method to oneself and the publication of the 6 results represents a new contribution to the field, if not an advancement of the state of the art. In the words of

John Welwood (1978, Note 2): "Self-knowledge is the miss- ing element in modern psychology, which could transform it into a new kind of science."

The review of the literature is presented in Chapter 2.

Chapter 3, Methodology, contains a brief description of the three phases of self-guided meditative fantasy sessions.

The first phase (labelled Phase 0) was conducted prior to the start of the project, and was unstructured and unre­ corded. Its results are summarized to provide background material for the two project phases, Phases 1 and 2.

Phases 0, 1 and 2 provide a continuum of increasing struc­ ture as detailed in Chapter 3.

Chapter 4 contains a summary of Phase 0 sessions with an interpretation of the contents of these sessions in the light of mythological tales and characters. Chapter 5 con­ tains a description of a struggle carried out in the author's life--both past and present--which was reflected in the contents of the fantasy sessions of Phases 1 and 2.

The session contents are used to illustrate the unconscious part of the struggle and how this individual struggle reflects the greater universal struggle described in myths and in the interplay of archetypal forces. The data and analysis of Chapter 5 leads to a discussion of the results in terms of the research questions posed. This discussion 7 is in Chapter 6 and conclusions resulting from the study are presented in Chapter 7. p •

Chapter 2 REVIEW OF LITERATURE

The review of the literature for this project pro­ ceeded along two related paths. Since the vehicle for the study was self-guided meditative fantasy, the two paths were fantasy and meditation.

The subject area of meditation very quickly led to the much broader area of states of consciousness, but consid­ eration of all states of consciousness is much beyond the scope of this paper. The literature search was, therefore, limited to that altered state of consciousness (ASC) which is known as meditation. Hypnosis, trance, sleep, dreaming, and drug states were not researched because they are not directly pertinent.

The subject area of fantasy led to that of daydream­ ing, which is related since the guided fantasy is often called a directed or guided daydream. A search of material on daydreaming revealed that not a great deal is available.

In the words of Singer (1966) , "Daydreaming . remains one of the most fascinating, if perplexing, phenomena in the vast range of human behavior" (p. 3). But even Singer does not clearly differentiate between daydreaming, fantasy, and imagery. He repeatedly uses all three

8 9 interchangeably. Though not specifically differentiated, the impression conveyed by Singer is that daydreams are made up of "complex clusters of fantasy" (p. 209), and that imagery is the vehicle of both daydreams and fantasies.

FANTASY

Freud (1938) also uses the terms daydreams and fantasy interchangeably. He goes on to say that perhaps the best way of approaching the study of dreams might have been through a more thorough and systematic study of daydreams and day-fantasies. Some dreams, says Freud, are only repetitions of day-fantasies which in themselves are wish fulfillments based on childhood experiences, just as dreams are. Freud emphasizes two points with respect to fantasies: First, a dream which is being formed will make use of an existing fantasy rather than create new dream material, and second, fantasies or daydreams often precede an attack of hysteria.

Freud (1938) also sees fantasies as the vehicle for working through major life crises as the growing child does when resolving his Oedipus complex through sexual fantasies at puberty. He also distinguishes between conscious and unconscious fantasies. In conscious fantasies, t~e person is fully aware of the fantasy either while it is going on or immediately thereafter, while unconscious fantasies may remain unconscious or may become conscious through dreams or through hysterical acting out. 10

Freud did not have a great deal to say about imagery even though he did use a technique of asking patients to evoke and relate images while Freud was holding their heads in his hands. This technique was an intermediary

Freud used between the practice of hypnosis with which he

started and that of free association he eventually used

(Singer, 1966).

To Jung (in de Laszlo, 1959), fantasy had a double mean­ ing. It is a product of the imagination which corresponds to no existing external state of affairs, or it denotes imaginative activity which is psychic energy appearing in the form of images or contents.

Jung also differentiates between active and passive fantasy. Active fantasies are the result of a conscious intent to perceive unconscious content. They are the result of consciously interacting with intuitive material.

Passive fantasies, on the other hand, spring fully formed from the unconscious without requiring any cooperation from consciousness. Passive fantasies, according to Jung are generally antithetical to the contents of consciousness.

Whereas passive fantasies indicate the opposition between conscious and unconscious contents resulting from dis­ association, active fantasies "may be the supreme expres­ sion of the unity of an individual" (de Laszlo, 1959, p. 248). The self-guided meditative fantasies which com­ prise the subject of this thesis may be classed as active 11 in Jung's terminology since they do represent a conscious intent to tap the contents of the unconscious and they do depend on the active participation of consciousness.

Jung uses th~ term ''image" in the sense of "fantasy image" which depends largely on unconscious fantasy activity and frequently appears rather abruptly in con­ sciousness. "The image is a concentrated expression of the total psychic situation. " (de Laszlo, 1959, p. 256).

Rather than being based only on unconscious material, it is the result of the combination of unconscious and conscious material relevant to the momentary situation.

Very closely related to Jung with whom she was associated, is the work of Wickes (1938). Unlike Singer and Cooper (1975), Wickes makes a distinction between fantasy and daydreams. She also helps to clarify the dif­ ferences between dreams, fantas~ and daydreams. All three entail the awareness of images from the unconscious but with one difference--the degree of conscious direction. A dream has no conscious direction at all since it occurs during a state of sleep when conscious activity is sus­ pended.

The process of fantasy is "the waking observance of the life of the phantom, or image" (Wickes, 1938, p. 221).

It occurs by directing our conscious attention (as opposed to direction) upon images emanating from the unconscious so that they remain in our consciousness rather than appear 12 momentarily and then disappear again into the unconscious.

By concentrating on these images, they become clearer and begin to move of themselves in accordance with a life of their own which is unconsciously directed.

We no more consciously create our fantasies than we do our dreams; we merely turn our attention to images created in our inner worlds.

A daydream, on the other hand, is an escape from reality to a world of instant, effortless wish fulfillment

(Wickes, 1938, p. 222). The daydream represents a compen­ satory means of satisfying the needful ego in a way which cannot be accomplished in the "real" world of action. The daydream is a childish form of undirected thought which contains magical solutions and immediate imagined accom­ plishment of the wished-for self-image. Though daydreams and fantasies both have common elements with fairy tales, the daydream will follow the pattern of the fairy tale to its successful conclusion and happy ending. The fantasy, however, will lead the fantasizer to the real problems encountered by the fairy tale hero and a deeper realization of action which he must take in the real world to solve his problems and move beyond his current impasse. The daydream leads to pseudo-ego satisfaction through escape while the fantasy connects "with realities deeper than the ego or the moment, which liberate us from the fixed and too-often sterile life of consciousness--of the pre-conceived idea" 13

(Wickes, 1938, p. 223).

In Gestalt therapy, active fantasy, in addition to bringing spontaneous messages from the unconscious (Perls,

Hefferline, and Goodman, 1951), is put to work in the service of imagining situations opposite to those causing the client's problems. Role reversals are fantasized as are retroflection reversals before they are acted out. The ability of the child to fantasize is seen as a valuable asset which is often lost by the adult as he grows to face

11 reali ty."

Cooper (1975) tells us that we live our entire lives according to our chosen inner life story. "V>Je not only have an inner life story; we are our inner life story, which forms the plot, the outline of our innermost, most private fantasy lives" (p. 2). Cooper claims that his con­ cept of our inner life story is deeper and more life-long than the life scripts Berne (1961, 1972) and the other transactional analysts talk about. It is difficult to go along with Cooper's assertion since the scripts of Trans­ actional Analysis, though transmitted through and influ­ enced by parents, are based on the child's favorite fairy tale (or that which best fits ontologically); and fairy tales in turn are based on mythology which has existed and survived since the earliest days of mankind. Berne (1972, p. 47) says that "one object of script analysis is to fit the patient's life plan into the grand historical 14 psychology of the whole human race, a psychology which apparently has changed little from cave days ... up to the present time." However, Cooper makes the point that our scenarios (as he calls them rather than scripts) are the very basis of our being--not merely the way we lead our lives. These scenarios are lived by each of us in our deepest secrets--very seldom, if ever, revealed even to our closest friends or our spouses for fear of ridicule, shame, or disapproval.

Here fantasy reveals itself as stronger than social convention, legal obligations, human "love," and sexual attraction. No one can live for long where his life story is known unless it is in the context of full acceptance. All else can be allowed to fall, but the inner fantasy life must go on. (Cooper, 1975, p. 55)

Cooper also sees dreams as part of our inner fantasy life and partial expressions of our inner story. Since

"women seem closer to their dreams than men," he feels that

"coming to terms with the opposite sexual element in one's personality is a process of dealing with one's fantasy life" (p. 77).

An excellent compendium of waking dreams, fantasies, and daydreams is the work by Mary Watkins, Waking Dreams

(1976). Watkins examines the entire world of the "imaginal" with an attitude of respect and humility. She says "the belief that we have created that we are a continuous 'I' living in certain predetermined landscapes, experiencing an outer world independent of ourselves breaks down" (Watkins, 15

1976, p. 7). Then she adds: "There is another force

influencing our thoughts, emotions, movements and actions

. . . a force that does not answer to logic or common

space and time" (p. 7). Watkins points out that this force

has been generally labeled "unconscious" which can also be

taken to mean "unknown." Because it is unknown, Watkins

claims that the unconscious has been seen in a number of

ways from Freud's desire to bring it under control of the

ego to Jung's attempt at establishing a symbiosis with the

ego, and to the existentialists' annihilation of it via

their claim that the unconscious does not exist and that

only consciousness and the conscious choices we make deter­

mine our lives and ourselves.

Watkins provides an extensive review of daydream and

fantasy research in Europe and the United States pointing

out that the moratorium that existed between the 1920's

and early 1960's as a result of the dominance of behavior­

ism was much more pronounced in the United States than in

Europe. Most notable in Europe is, of course, Jung who

encouraged his patients, either at the end or following

their analysis, to continue to contact their archetypes by

using "a6tive imagination." Others in Europe, mostly

France and Germany, attempted to use fantasy as a way of

doing therapy (Watkins, 1976, p. 52). Though there was not

a great deal of agreement regarding terminology or even the phenomena the terminology referred to, a number of European 16

therapists used fantasy in their work. Manz and Desoille

(1945) spoke of "controlled visualization of symbolic

scenes;" Leuner used guided affective imagery; Virel and

Fetigny developed oneirotherapy which involved not only

sleeping dreams, but waking dreams as well (Watkins, 1976,

p~ 92); and Assagioli in Psychosynthesis (1965) uses both

controlled and spontaneous symbolic visualization.

Throughout the book, '..Yatkins expresses the view that

the imaginal realm cannot be used in the service of the ego

without seriously distorting its resulting expression. It

is the ego which needs to be transformed; to give up its

need to control in order to experience the imaginal realm

as it is and derive the maximum benefit (wholeness, inte­

gration, growth) from it. This transformation of the ego,

implying the flexibility and pliability of water is what

is needed to enter the half-dream state of the waking

dream. Watkins gives step-by-step directions for experi­

encing our imaginings and likens a trip into the imaginal

to "returning home" (1976, p. 118).

The work of ·these and other authors points to the

duality of mind which has been rediscovered in recent years. Whether it is called logical and autistic thinking

(Pearce, 1976), primary and secondary process (Freud, 1900/

1961), the tonaZ and the nagual (Castaneda, 1974), ego and

the numinous element (Gowan, 1975), straight thinking and

stoned thinking (Weil, 1972), or the language/logic, 17 sequentially oriented, ego-dominated, left-brain hemisphere and the intuition/image simultaneously oriented, uncon­ sciously associated right brain hemisphere (Ornstein, 1972) it is clear that these authors are speaking of the same general phenomenon--looking at different aspects of it and calling it by different names. The fact of this duality has long been accepted; these recent works represent attempts to clarify it, understand it more fully, and establish the relationship between its two elements. That one part of this duality is logical/rational while the other is imaginal/intuitional; that the language of the first is words, numbers, and a sequential order while the

"language" of the second consists of images constantly changing with an autonomy of their own is becoming increas­ ingly clear. Curtailing the autonomy of the imaginal by placing it under the control of the conscious ego, is cer­ tainly within the realm of feasibility but is not neces­ sarily desirable, for by so doing, we lose or stifle an unconscious creative part of ourselves and severely limit our potential for change, and therefore growth.

The most thoroughly scientific approach to fantasy is given in Klinger's (1971) Structure and Functions of

Fantasy. Klinger attempts a scholarly, orderly "study" of fantasy by analysis, categorization, break-down into sub­ ordinate components and definition. He admits, however, that any definition of fantasy can only be given in broad 18

terms at this time (pp. 6-7) and that by the very process

of measuring, sensing, and analyzing, we may alter what we

try to measure. He also recognizes the fact that fantasy

cannot be observed or measured directly, but rather the

raw data depends upon verbalizations by fantasizing sub­

jects, thereby introducing another source of distortion

into his work. In spite of these limitations, Klinger

attempts "to construct a first approximation to a reason­

ably comprehensive theory of fantasy" (1971, p. 347).

As a point of departure he uses the activities of

play and dreams which are related to fantasy but have been

somewhat more extensively studied. Although play is a

behavioral activity and fantasy is mental, Klinger points

out the developmental similarities between the two activi­

ties. Their development in early childhood is strongly

intertwined and becomes differentiated only during or after

the third year.

Dreams and fantasies are functionally related, in that

suppression of dreams leads to an increase in waking

dreams or fantasies. The two activities merge at sleep onset (hypnagogic) and waking up (hypnopompic) periods,

thus forming a continuous ideational stream which consti­

tutes a baseline process to which the mind returns whenever problem-solving or conscious goal-striving thinking is not

engaged in.

Play, fantasies, and dreams all appear to be 19 fractionated, consisting of sequences of self-sustaining

(respondent) segments, each segment triggering the next.

The contents of each segment of a fantasy are made up of ideas and images determined largely by unconscious factors but also dependent on cognitive capabilities (Klinger,

1971, pp. 137-138).

Though Klinger is very thorough and methodical, he is attempting to deal with a holistic phenomenon--namely fantasy--in an analytical and fragmented way. A great deal of meaning seems to be lost in the process. Although

Klinger does not add much new knowledge about the process of fantasy, he does analyze, categorize, label, describe, and relate what is known.

Progoff (1963) replaces the word "unconscious" with the broader term "psyche." He hypothesizes that the flow of imagery is the central principle of the psyche (p. 91).

He sees the conscious evocation of the psyche's images in therapy as a principal tool of healing. He believes that the psyche contains the seed of meaning guiding man's life and that the development and affirmation of that seed and its unfolding potential by the therapist is the main goal of therapy. The method of twilight imagining which Progoff describes is similar to the waking dream techniques of

Desoille (1945), and to the guided imagery of Assagioli

(1965) cited in Psychosynthesis. It is also highly similar to the method of self-guided meditative fantasies used by 20 the author in this thesis study.

As described by Progoff, the method of twilight imagining proceeds as follows. The person relaxes with closed eyes and observes the flow of images that moves on his mind's screen. By this means, the incommunicable unconscious depths of a person's psyche may be brought to consciousness for apprehension and assimilation. The symbolic contents of the psyche's images, according to

Progoff (1963, p. 93) express the pattern and direction of growth of the person's life, and provide clues which the person should follow in proceeding with his/her life. Only if these deep psychic clues are followed, will the individ­ ual continue the natural process of psychological and spiritual growth that is inherent in each of us.

Progoff feels that tapping the depth of the psyche through imagining is akin to methods used by advanced spiritual disciplines in the history of religion {1963, p. 136). In this way, the person reaches beyond·the apparent contradictions and conflicts of life to the truth of its paradoxes.

Along similar lines, Campbell (1970) views the human psyche on two levels: the microcosmic and the macrocosmic.

The microcosmic level is the individual's daily life as it is lived in conscious reality. The macrocosmic level is where the much larger archetypal forces are at work. It corresponds to the collective unconscious defined by Jung. 21

Campbell sees a cyclical pattern to life, and draws a parallel between an individual's (hero's) life and the cosmogenic cycles of the universe. Campbell supports

Jung's thesis that what was once conscious in human life and in history is now unconscious, but very much active nevertheless. The actual deeds of our ancestors have become in a modified, enlarged form the mythologies of our culture. These myths live on both in the stories and fairy tales passed on from generation to generation and in the unconscious psychic forces of the archetypes which guide our lives.

According to Campbell (1970):

... whether presented in the vast, almost oceanic images of the Orient, in the vigorous narratives of the Greeks, or in the majestic legends of the Bible, the adventure of the hero normally follows the pattern of . a separation from the world, a penetration to some source of power, and a life-enhancing return. (p. 35)

On a smaller scale, the pattern described by Campbell is followed during self-guided meditative fantasies.

Relaxation and meditation are conducive to a separation from the immediate world. The contact with the archetypal forces symbolized by the images of the characters emerging from the unconscious is the enactment of the penetration to some source of power; and the end of the fantasy session and return to conscious reality is synonymous to the life-enhancing return. Campbell further states: 22

The return and reintegration with society, which is indispensable to the continuous circulation of spiritual energy in the world and which, from the standpoint of the community, is the justifi­ cation of the long retreat, the hero may find the most difficult requirement of all. (1970, p. 36)

Again on a smaller scale, this is the most difficult task of this thesis: to make available to society the lessons learned from the contact with the unconscious through the use of self-guided meditative fantasy.

Steinbrecher (1977) elaborates a method very similar to that used by the author in this study. In fact, since this work by Steinbrecher was not discovered by the author until the meditative fantasy sessions were completed, the similarity is.striking. The process used by Steinbrecher is called the Guide Meditation.

The Guide Meditation is a transformative process concerned with assimilating the disparate ener­ gies which exist in the human unconscious into the unified wholeness that is the awakened, enlightened being inherent in each of us, thus ending the illusions which cause separation, guilt and judgement. (1977, p. 1)

According to Steinbrecher, the Guide Meditation is an extension of Jung's method of active imagination, combining it with several spiritual disciplines.

The technique is a process of interacting with and gradually assimilating, as a result of these interactions, those parts of ourselves that our current egos are ignorant of or have only par­ tially assimilated. (1977, p. 6)

As will become clear in the following chapter, the process described by Steinbrecher based on that of Jung agrees almost exactly with my experience with self-guided meditative fantasies as applied during this project.

Jung (1969), Wickes (1938), Progoff (1963), Watkins

(1976), and Steinbrecher all stress the conscious recogni-

tion and apprehension of the symbolic images of the uncon-

scious to provide guidance for one's life. Accepting the

opposite conscious and unconscious forces and reconciling

these through the truth of paradoxes represent a major way

of growth seen again and again in the literature. Although

not identical with meditation, and in some ways directly

opposed to it, imagery ano fantasy do overlap meditation.

Meditation and its relation to fantasy are reviewed in the

next section.

MEDITATION

The literature on meditation is quite extensive and

diverse. Large numbers of people are experimenting with various forms, Transcendental Meditation being by far the most popular in the West. Meditation has been called

(Sahdu, 1967) "a science, an art, requiring solid prepara-

tion and study as does every branch of human knowledge"

(p. 25).

According to Johnston (1974), the person who meditates

becomes physiologically different from the non-meditator

(p. 109). Vital signs such as heart beat and blood pres-

sure slQw down. Brain rhythms and skin resistance change; breathing rate decreases. Johnston asserts that meditation is a whole way of life--not merely a technique practiced 24

for a few minutes morning and evening.

Meditation is used in therapy and is a central aspect

of most religions East and West. Studies on Transcendental

meditators (Forero, 1973; Hemingway, 1975; Ferguson and

Gowan, 1976) bear out Johnston's findings of psychological

changes in a direction generally thought to result in

improved health. Some of these changes are reduced blood

pressure, reduced heart beat and respiration rates, and

reduced skin resistance which is an indication of decreased

anxiety levels (Hemingway, 1975, p. 53). Benson (1975),

however, points out that these benefits may be obtained not

only as a result of Transcendental Meditation (TM) but

through any general method which tends to quiet the indi­

vidual and especially his mind. Benson calls such a method

"The Relaxation Response" in his book by that name. To

obtain this response, one need only sit or lie in a com­

fortable position, relax all muscles of the body and occupy

the mind (the logical, sequential left-half hemisphere of

the brain) with a repetitive, but meaningless, and non­

affect-arousing, phrase or words (called a mantram) . 'I'his

in effect is what TM does, but the TM mantram is supposedly

individually tailored, thereby justifying the "special"

training and the high fees charged by the TM establishment.

Both Benson and Le Shan (1974) claim that an individ­ ual mantram is not necessary--that anything which occupies the left-half brain will do, because by so doing the 25' products of the right-hemisphere (pictures, fantasies, etc.) are free to reach consciousness. In this state, not only is the brain resting from its usual activities, but an avenue is opened to the unconscious as well.

Many forms of meditation exist, some unique, others variations of each other. The various forms and levels of meditation employ different techniques of concentration of the mind, contemplation and eventually a cessation of all mental activity when the mind and the body reach a state of complete rest. Paradoxically this state can be experi­ enced in conjunction with either highly increased sensi­ tivity of awareness of, but detachment from, external stimuli; or through completely tuning out external stimuli.

Research evidence based on Zen and Yoga masters shows that both types of meditation lead to detachment from external and internal stimuli, although in Zen meditation, it is associated with increasingly acute awareness; while in

Yoga meditation, it is associated with conscious·extinction of external and internal stimuli. Though psychologically the effects appear similar, they show evidence of different physiological responses (Kasamatsu and Hirai, 1969; Anand,

Chhina, and Singh, 1969).

Le Shan (1974) has grouped the many types of medita­ tion into four categories or paths. These paths are:

(1) intellect, (2) emotions or devotion, (3) the body, and

(4) action or work (p. 58). Wood (1973) and Smith (1958) 26 also describe four categories of meditation, but these correspond to the four major types of Yoga. These types are Jnana Yoga (the intellect), Bhakti Yoga (devotion),

Karma Yoga (the Yoga of work), and Raja Yoga (the royal road) which is an experiential form of Yoga containing elements of the other three. In this classification, Hatha

Yoga (the Yoga of the body) is part of Raja Yoga and a prerequisite to it. The body must be brought under control

(tamed) before the mind can be. The Chinese counterpart of

Hatha Yoga is Tai Chi, and the Sufis accomplish similar ends through their whirling dervishes and the trances they produce (Le Shan, 1974; Naranjo and Ornstein, 1976).

Kriya Yoga (the Yoga of the breath) is another impor­ tant part of Raja Yoga. Kriya Yoga (Yogananda, 1971) makes use of a form of meditation which requires concentration on the breath without interfering with it. Some forms include breath counting. Kriya Yoga is often conbined with Hatha

Yoga which is accomplished by synchronizing the breath with physical postures (asanas).

Naranjo and Ornstein (1976) differentiate between con­ centrative and expressive meditation (p. 114). Concentra­ tive meditation uses an external object, image, or thought and requires the mind to focus its continued attention on it. Expressive meditation allows the mind, by relinquish­ ing conscious control, to produce a flow of imagery originating in the unconscious. The meditation consists in 27

watching--being aware of--the flow of images without inter­

fering with it. This is analogous in the visual realm to

Kriya meditation where one is watching one's breath (the

inward and outward flow of air/energy/prana) without inter­

fering with it. The main difference is that the breath is

relatively unchanging while the flow of images may change

quite rapidly. In both cases, surrender of control is the

important aspect to be learned.

My own meditative experience bears out the contents of

the literature. I have been meditating for the past four

years, and find myself more aware but more emotionally

detached, more productive, less anxious, calmer, more

tolerant in most areas and more able to enjoy life. Accord­

ing to the format of John Lilly {1972) for classifying

states of consciousness, I find myself most often in +24

and +48 with relatively frequent experiences in +12 and

much rarer ones in +6 or in the negative states (-24 and

-12).

For the purposes of this study, the type of meditation

used is a combination of concentrative and expressive. The

figure or character (sub-personality) dealt with emerged as

a spontaneous expression of the unconscious, but the flow

of imagery was arrested by concentrating the mind on the

initial apparition in an effort to become more familiar,

and if possible, more friendly with it. The intercourse or dialogue with each entity was not consciously directed 28 or controlled, but rather allowed to proceed as spontane­ ously as possible. I have called this type of meditation a self-guided meditative fantasy. In addition to these, I engaged in other forms of meditation during the study period which included mantram repetition or chanting (e.g.

Aum), breath concentration, energy flow meditation, and

Chakra meditation.

During the course of the project, I meditated daily using either one of the approaches just described or the self-guided meditative fantasy. In this context, the self-guided meditative fantasy may be regarded as an extension of the meditative form where the attention is focused on the images, thoughts, and ideas emerging from the unconscious in response to a general pre-suggested focus, e.g. today I would like to encounter the angry part of myself. Chapter 3 METHODOLOGY

PROJECT BACKGROUND

This project is a part of my ongoing emotional and spiritual development which began some 23 years ago with my first exposure to psychotherapy. The therapeutic work was primarily that of becoming aware of and recognizing many aspects of myself which I had unconsciously labeled

"unacceptable," and had therefore disowned. After a number of years of therapy, I was left with greater knowledge of myself but still largely unable to accept and integrate my

"unacceptable" parts, feelings, and desires.

In 1973, I participated in a Psychosynthesis workshop during which my first exposure to guided fantasy occurred.

This is the technique described by Assagioli under the name

"Initiated Symbol Projection" (1965, pp. 287-298). While experiencing this technique, I became aware that many of my

"unacceptable•• parts were constellated in the form of sub­ personality clusters, and worked with some of these clus­ ters.

Also as a result of the workshop, I began to meditate daily and regularly using several of the approaches reviewed in Chapter 2. For the next 3 years, I did little work with

29 30

my unconscious sub-personalities, but my interest in them

revived when I attended a workshop on Holistic Healing at

University of California, Santa Barbara, and heard a

presentation by Irving Oyle (Note 1).

The remainder of this chapter describes briefly my

experience with Psychosynthesis and the experiment sug­

gested by Oyle. Following this background is a description

of the methodology for Phase 0, the pre-project phase,

resulting from the Oyle (Note 1) presentation and the methodology for the two project phases.

Psychosynthesis

During the Psychosynthesis workshop in 1973, I became acquainted with a number of my individual sub-personalities.

At the time, 10 separate ones emerged for me, but the work­

shop being so short, I had time to "work" with only one or two. These sub-personalities were contacted through guided fantasy "trips." They emerged spontaneously in response to general suggestions by the workshop leader. In general, these suggestions followed those given by Assagioli

(1965, pp. 294-298). The idea was to become acquainted with each sub-personality that appeared, e.g. knight in shining armor, and to be responsive to and considerate of their wishes. We were to ask the sub-personalities their name, why they came, and what they wanted from us. We also were to tell each sub-personality what we wanted from him/ her. If we, or a sub-personality, asked for something the 31

other could not give, we could negotiate until we reached

a position satisfactory to both of us. At the end of the

workshop, I discontinued the work with my sub-personalities

and did not return to it for 3 years.

Holistic Healing Workshop

In March 1976, I attended a workshop entitled "Explor-

ing New Frontiers in Healing" at the University of Califor-

nia, Santa Barbara. Irving Oyle (1975) was one of the

speakers at the workshop. Oyle emphasized visualization

and imagery techniques, among others, for healing illness.

At the end. of this talk, he suggested to the audienc·e an 1 experiment using a meditative, self-guided fantasy.

Oyle told us to sit in a comfortable position and

begin by relaxing our bodies and slowly (slow count of

four) breathing in and out. He asked us to imagine our-

selves in a beautiful, serene place of our own choosing

(a meadow; the beach on a warrn, sunny day; deep in the woods, etc.). Oyle told us to continue the rhythmic, slow

breathing until a creature appeared. He said it might be

a person, an animal, an object, or a character from a story we know.

He told us to get acquainted with this entity from our

subconscious, to carry on a conversation with the creature,

1 . The suggested experiment was recorded on Tape 3-2 which may be obtained by contacting Butterfly Communica­ tions, 13033 Ventura Blvd., North Hollywood, California (213) 995-0700. 32 and after the amenities were dispensed with, to ask this entity if he/she/it is the one causing our problem. The problem could be a physical ailment, an emotional problem, or a problem in coping or living. Oyle said they almost always say "yes." (They want to cooperate.) If they said

"no," we were to ask the apparition to tell us who is causing the problem and whether we could meet with this other entity. In this case, Oyle said, another symbolic creature will appear and he asked us to deal with the new creature.

When the answer to our question is that the apparition is the one causing the problem, we were to ask if this entity would be willing to remove the problem (ailment) 1n return for a meeting or visit with him/her/it for 10 minutes per day, every day for a week. According to Oyle, they always say "yes" to this. If not, you can negotiate with them on a friendly, equal basis. The creature has neither more nor less power than you do. You may also ask the creature what you should change in your life to prevent a recurrence of the ailment/problem. Then listen carefully and carry out their suggestion, if at all possible. In case it is not possible, you may negotiate at this point also.

Oyle also added that if two characters appear, and one is male and the other a female, marry them immediately.

This is the mystical marriage of opposites which helps us 33

become better integrated. The meditative fantasies result­

ing from this exercise are summarized in Chapter 4, Phase 0.

This exercise is very similar to the guide meditation

process described by Steinbrecher (1977). Steinbrecher

suggests imagining yourself going into a cave, then out of

the cave through an opening on the left. Once out of the

cave, he suggests calling for an animal to appear and when

it does, asking it to take you to your Guide. I did not

become aware of Steinbrecher's work until about two years

after hearing the Oyle address.

PHASE 0 METHODOLOGY

The methodology for this phase followed Oyle's

instructions very closely as described in the previous

section. A number of self-guided meditative sessions were

held during the period from March 1976 to September 1976.

The sessions were usually held in the early morning upon arising. The body was relaxed in a half-lotus position, eyes closed and breathing slowly and rhythmically. When

creatures or characters from the unconscious appeared in

fantasy, they were treated as real and engaged in a psychic dialogue to determine their name, why they had come, and what they wanted from me. I also paid close attention_to any feelings before and during the interchange. When I recognized the fantasy-beings as parts of myself--which was at times quite difficult--I told them what I wanted from 34 them. If either the creature/character or I (the conscious part of myself) wanted something that the other could not give, a negotiating discussion resulted which almost always (somewhat to my surprise) resulted in agreement. If there were areas of disagreement, these invariably recurred and were resolved in some manner in later sessions.

During this phase, which was conducted immediately prior to this thesis project, no notes were taken nor were recordings of any kind made of the sessions. They were simply allowed to occur and the results came from the session experiences themselves and any psychic after­ effects, rather than from an analysis of written data con­ ducted after each session or series of sessions.

A discussion and results of Phase 0 are included in this thesis because they provide the base upon which Phase

1 and 2 sessions are built. Phase 0 results are summarized in Chapter 4.

PHASE 1 AND 2 METHODOLOGY

The project was divided into two phases with different structural constraints. Phase 1 ran over a 3-month period from September 26, 1976, to December 31, 1976. This phase, consisting of 15 meditative fantasy sessions, was rela­ tively loosely structured. Meditative fantasy sessions were scheduled spontaneously, depending primarily on

"unconscious programming" and subjective feelings. 35

Table 1 shows the resulting schedule of sessions for

Phase 1. After each session, notes were written describing the apparitions and interactions which occurred during the session as closely as possible. The interval between sessions varied between 1 and 15 days, with a mean interval of 5.79 days. Because of the attempt not to structure the first phase, the time interval between the session and the note writing was allowed to vary freely depending on my schedule of activities. When time permitted, notes were recorded immediately after the session. When other commit­ ments interfered, notes were recorded later. The interval between the session and the recording of it varied between

0 and 21 days, with a mean of 5.6 days. On only three occasions out of a total of 15 did the session-recording interval exceed 8 days. With these three instances removed, the mean interval between session and recording drops to 2.66 days. In four instances, notes were recorded immediately after the session, and on one occasion, record­ ing was made the next day.

This procedure may sound somewhat uncontrolled and unscientific, but the lack of structure was intentional.

The goal was to place as few constraints or pressures on the unconscious as possible. The best way to accomplish this seemed to be to allow maximum freedom in scheduling sessions and note-recording.

Phase 2, on the other hand, was much more structured. Table 1

SESSION SCHEDULE - PHASE 1

Session Session/ Session Interval Between Date of Date Length Recording Number Sessions (Days) Recording (minutes) Interval (Days)

1 Sun., 9/26/76 N/R 9/26/76 0 2 Tues., 9/28/76 2 ua 9/28/76 0 3 10/1-3/76 (approx.) 4 N/R 10/23/76 21 4 Sun., 10/17/76 15 N/R 10/23/76 6 5 Wed./Th., 10/27-28/76 10 N/R 10/31/76 4 (approx.) 6 Fri., Sat., 10/29-30/76 1 27 10/31/76 2 (approx.) 7 Tues., 11/2/76 3 N/R ll/2/76 0 8 Wed., 11/3/76 1 N/R 11/3/76 0 9 11/5-10/76 (approx.) 4 27 11/15/76 8 10 Tues., 11/10/76 (approx.) 3 N/R 11/16/76 6 11 11/18-28/76 (approx.) 13 N/R 12/6/76 13 12 11/29-12/5/76 (approx.) 9 N/R 12/6/76 3

13 Th. I 12/9/76 9 N/R 12/10/76 1 14 Mon. , 12/13/76 4 N/R 12/15/76 2 15 Th., Fri., 12/16-17/76 3 N/R 1/2/77 17 (approx.) Total (Days) 81 83

aShort interruption 5 minutes after start of session. Notes. Mean interval between sessions=~~= 5.78 days. N/R = not recorded. 83 Mean Session/Recording Interval = 15 = 5.6 days.

w 0'1 37

This phase consisted of 19 sessions over a 2-month period

from January 1, 1977, to February 27, 1977, as shown in

Table 2. Self-guided fantasy sessions were held every

Wednesday and Sunday morning. Three of the 19 sessions

were unscheduled; they occurred spontaneously, one on a

Friday immediately after Session 16, the first session of

Phase 2, which was held on Wednesday, January 5; and the

other two on Saturdays--Sessions 28 and 31.

The average interval between sessions was 3.5 days

without the unscheduled sessions and 2.9 days when the

unscheduled sessions are included. The range of the

session-to-session interval is much smaller than that of

Phase 1, varying alternately between 3 and 4 days, except

for the unscheduled sessions. Even when Session 29 was

cancelled because of illness, the inter-session interval was still no longer than 4 days because of the unscheduled

session (No. 28) which preceded the cancelled one.

In Phase 2, the interval between the session and its

recording was shortened as well. Except in one case

(Session 28) which was an unscheduled session where the

delay was 5 days, the maximum delay which occurred in two

cases (Sessions 19 and 32), was 48 hours. In one case,

Session 30, the delay was 24 hours, and in the remaining

13 cases, the notes were recorded on the day the session occurred. In seven cases, the note recording was executed

immediately. The mean session-to-recording interval, Table 2

SESSION SCHEDULE - PHASE 2

Session Session/ Session Interval Between Date of Date Length Recording Number Sessions (Days) Recording (minutes) Interval (Hours)

16 Wed., 1/5/77 -- 22 1/5/77 0 17 Fri. , 1/7/77a 2 26 1/7/77 0 18 Sun., 1/9/77 2 28 1/9/77 0 19 Wed., 1/12/77 3 22 1/14/77 48 20 Sun., 1/16/77 4 21 1/16/77, 10:30 p.m. 11 21 Wed., 1/19/77 3 18 1/19/77, 1:00 p.m. 4 22 Sun., 1/2 3/77 4 18 1/23/77 0 23 Wed., 1/26/77 3 22 1/26/77 0 24 Sun., 1/30/77 4 23 1/31/77 Noon 2 25 Wed. , 2/2/77 3 20 2/2/77, 2:00-3:00 p.m. 5 26 Sun., 2/6/77 4 17 2/6/77, 5:00p.m. 6 27 Wed. , 2/9/77 3 23 2/9/77, 11:00 a.m. 1 a 28 Sat. , 2/12/77 3 N/R 2/17/77 (120) 29 Sun. , 2/13/77 Cancelled due to illness 30 Wed., 2/16/77 4 17 2/17/77, 10:40 p.m. 24 a 31 Sat., 2/19/77 3 N/R Short 2/19/77 0 32 Sun., 2/20/77 1 19 2/22/77 Noon 48 33 Wed., 2/23/77 3 22 2/23/77 0 34 Sun., 2/27/77 - 4 18 2/27/77, 3:30p.m. - 4 Total Days . . . . . 53 Total Hours . . . . . 153

aunscheduled Sessions. 53 Notes. Mean interval between sessions= = 2.9 days; Mean S/R interval (with Session 2.8 removed) 18 3 3 ~~ = 8.5 hours; Mean Session/Recording Interval= ~~ = 14.36 hours.

w (X) 39 ignoring Session 28, is 8.5 hours, as compared to 2.66 or

5.6 days in Phase 1.

In Phase 2, session length was recorded in all but two cases, as opposed to Phase 1, where length was recorded in only two cases. The range of session length in Phase 2 was 17 minutes to 27 minutes, with a mean session length of 21 minutes. No attempt was made to monitor or regulate time. An inner sense of timing and an impression that the session was finished determined the end point of the ses­ sion. Sessions were left unstructured and allowed to develop spontaneously. The effects of the differences in structure between Phases 1 and 2 are discussed in more detail in Chapter 6, Discussion of Results.

In both phases, the session time on the non-session days was used for meditation, using one of the approaches reviewed in Chapter 2. In both cases, meditation and self- guided fantasy, the time immediately preceding the session was used for a series of Hatha Yoga exercises. Breath exercises were included in the Yoga repertoire.

The location chosen for the sessions was the master bathroom which is small, cozy, quiet, and undisturbed. It is removed from the mainstream of traffic and not subject to a great many interruptions. The position used in nearly every instance was the half-lotus position with legs crossed alternately on alternate days, spine straight, and hands on knees with palms turned upward and the ends of the 40

index fingers and thumbs touching to form closed circles.

This meditation position was used for the guided fantasies

as well. lfost of the sessions occurred in the morning.

Upon arising each morning, I performed a series of Yoga

exercises for approximately 20 to 30 minutes. This was

followed immediately by 15 to 20 minutes of meditation on non-fantasy days, or by the self-guided fantasy on the days

indicated in Tables 1 and 2. Chapter 4 DATA COLLECTION AND ANALYSIS - PHASE 0

The primary purpose of these pre-project sessions

(which emerged after the fact since the sessions were not

purposefully planned) was to introduce various parts of myself to myself. A secondary purpose was to ask the first

creature who appeared, a bear named Grizzly, to remove, cure or remedy a physical ailment troubling me at the time.

A total of 12 creatures/characters and sub-personality clusters appeared, of which five recurred prominently dur­

ing Phases 1 and 2. These entities are listed in Table 3 in order of appearance. The characters which figured prominently in the sessions of Phases 1 and 2 are indicated by an asterisk.

Knight and Achiever never reappeared after Phase 0, and Grizzly, Melinda, Cubby, Fury and Gerard had relatively minor roles during the project phases.

To illustrate the self-guided meditative fantasy pro­ cess, a summarized account of the initial sessions of

Phase 0 follows.

Oyle's instructions (see Chapter 3) were followed carefully. As my quiet, comfortable place, I imagined myself in Yosemite Valley, a spot in the trees by the

41 42

Table 3

INNER ENTITIES APPEARING DURING PHASE 0

(Listed in Order of Appearance)

Grizzly A brown bear . a Mer 11n The wise magician

Melinda A female bear a Barbara Hy mother--also Great Mother Archetype

Gerard Me as a child--offspring of Merlin and Barbara

Cubby A bear cub--offspring of Grizzly and Melinda

Fury A raging gorilla a Fear A wispy grey ghostly shape

A monolithic block of riveted steel armored plates

Knight A knight in full armor and battle dress, mounted on a white charger

Achiever The competent, doing part of me

My shadow archetype

aFigured prominently in Phases 1 and 2. 43 river at the bottom of the valley, within sight of the majestic waterfalls. It is warm there and sunny; the sun- light is filtered through the trees. The place has a cozy, serene, protected feel to it. Relaxation comes easily with slow, deep breathing. As Oyle had predicted, a creature soon appeared.

It was a large grizzly bear, eyeing me cautiously as he lumbered slowly toward me. I was puzzled. Why a bear? But I recalled Oyle's injunction not to reject whomever appears, and questioning can be a form of rejection. I initiated a mental dialogue with the bear. I asked him what his name was. He said "Grizzly." I asked him several other questions: why he came; who he is; what did he want of me? He was not very respon­ sive--a taciturn bear. His silence made me a little nervous. Oyle hadn't told us what to do in case our "creature" doesn't cooperate. I con­ tinued the fantasy, asking more questions. Grizzly was pleasant enough and non-threatening. He finally answered. He said that he came because I called him. He was a part of me, he said, that I hadn't gotten in touch with.before. He wanted me to play with him.

I could identify with the taciturn part; that fits my past personality. Also, bears are playful; and they give great bear hugs which are friendly but can also be deadly!

So I treated him rather cautiously at first, but as the fantasy continued and we talked more, I became more relaxed.

This was definitely not a killer bear. He was friendly and wanted to help, not hinder or frighten me.

I suffer from a chronic stiff neck, and at that ti.me, it was particularly painful. Following Oyle's suggestion,

I asked Grizzly if he was the one causing my stiff neck. He said "yes." I asked him if he was willing to take my stiff neck away if I met 44

with him for 10 minutes every day for a week. He said 11 yes. 11 I thanked him, but he warned me that I had better play with him or he couldn't guarantee that my stiff neck would not return, even if he did get rid of it.

Each morning for a week, I meditated for about 15 minutes,

10 of \vhich I spent in a meditative fantasy "meeting 11 with

Grizzly. By the third day, my stiff neck was noticeably better. It continued to improve during the week until on the seventh day, the stiffness and soreness were completely gone. I was pleased and surprised that the experiment had worked so well.

During the fantasies, Grizzly told me to play with him and to play more often in my life in general. I started to do this but apparently not to a sufficient extent to keep the stiffness away, because it returned after a few weeks.

One may well ask why a bear might be the first creature to appear. I searched my personal life and back- ground, but found no connection there except a memory of watching bears at play at Berne, Switzerland, when I was 5 or 6 years old. During that brief childhood episode, I experienced a sense of simultaneous attraction to the play- ful nature of the animals and a fear that they might be dangerous if approached too closely. Those feelings were identical to my experience upon seeing Grizzly approach.

The story of Goldilocks and the three bears also came to mind, but my only association with that was that bears 45 are friendly and people-like, since they lived in a house like people do and did not harm Goldilocks when they found her. I believe that childhood association may have given rise to my feeling during the fantasy session that Grizzly would not harm me after the initial fear of danger.

Researching the mythology and symbology of bears, the following information emerged. Bear worship seems to be among the earliest known forms of religion. Evidence of its practice by Neanderthal man, among others, has been found in quite widespread parts of the world from the

Alpine caves of Switzerland and Silesia to Siberia and the

North American continent (Eliot, et al. 1976, pp. 34, 40).

The Ainu of Japan still practice bear worship, as do other primitive tribes. To the Hopi Indians, as well as the shaman of Northern Asia, the bear is a sacred spirit whose magical power and intelligence are such that he can heal the sick (Eliot, 1976, p. 129).

In view of this healing power and the assertion by

Jung that fantasy creatures emerge from the collective con­ scious, it is not surprising that a bear should emerge, since I had an ailment--a chronic stiff neck--which needed healing.

Examples abound in the mythological literature (Eliot,

1976; Campbell, 1970; Frazer, 1963; Bulfinch, 1959;

DeGubernat£s, 1968) of animals being treated by early man as a deity or as a link to deities. The classical example 46

is the Greek myth of the nymph Callisto who angered the

queen of godesses Juno (Hera) because Jupiter (Zeus) found

her attractive and had sexual relations with her. As

punishment, Juno changed Callisto into a bear (Bulfinch,

1959, p. 37). One day when Callisto and her son Arctos or

Arcturus were about to be slaughtered by shepherds, Jupiter

intervened and flung both of them into the heavens as the

Great Bear and Little Bear constellations. Juno who was

angered by Jupiter's conferring a place of honor upon her

rival and her son, intervened with the ocean gods to assure

that the bear constellations would be located near the

polar star where they could never dip into the ocean to

refresh themselves.

The bear is also portrayed in mythology as a cunning

animal able to cheat the Devil (DeGubernatis, V. 2, p. 118),

as a musician (pp. 118-119), and as a dancer. Also, the

eye of a bear dried and hung around a child's neck pre­

serves the child from fear (p. 119). These legendary qualities of the bear seem to match those of the bear which

emerged during my fantasy. Grizzly wanted me to play more

and seemed to be telling me not to be afraid of him or of other characters who might appear. The interchange with him and the success of his healing gave me courage to con­ tinue.

Finally, Steinbrecher (1977, pp. 46-47), suggests calling for an animal to come to you and to lead you to 47 your Guide as a way of starting self-guided meditative fantasies. It is interesting that while not familiar with the Steinbrecher studies at the time I performed my medi- tative fantasies, and therefore not calling for an animal, an animal nevertheless was the first creature to appear, apparently "of its own volition."

The next character to appear was Merlin the magician.

He was a kindly, jovial old man with white hair. He was dressed in a long robe of light blue material speckled with white stars. He wore a long, pointed hat made of the same material. The borders on both cape and hat were of white fur. Merlin smiled all the time.

As I asked him the same questions I had asked Grizzly, he told me he was a part of me that knew all the answers and could make things hap­ pen (like magic) if I was ready for them. He agreed to help Grizzly get rid of my stiff neck.

Oyle had said "if two creatures appear, marry them." But he had also said that one would probably be male and the other female. Somehow, it didn't seem right to marry two males (although that might have told me something about my own homosexuality).

During the next meditative fantasy, I asked Grizzly if he would mind changing to a female bear. He said "OK" and instantly changed sex. I then asked the female bear her name. She said Melinda. I asked Merlin and Melinda if they would marry each other. The answer was "yes" from both of them. I performed a brief marriage ceremony.

During the meditation period after the "wedding," I became aware that I missed Grizzly who was no longer ·there since 48 he had changed into Melinda.

The thought came, 11 Why not bring him back?" Immediately, Grizzly reappeared, and said he was glad to be back, and glad that Melinda was there, too. After this, another female character appeared. She was short, stocky, dressed exactly as Merlin was and had my mother's face. I asked her name. She said my mother's name.2 I asked Grizzly and Barbara if they would marry each other. They both said "yes," but Grizzly said he would rather marry a bear than a human being. So I asked all four if they wanted to switch. They all agreed, and Merlin and Barbara became husband and wife, as did Grizzly and Melinda. A few days later, each couple had an offspring. Merlin and Barbara had a little boy who said his name was Gerard. He was I as a child. Grizzly and Melinda had a little bear cub who said his name was Cubby. Cubby and Gerard liked to play together. They became fast friends.

I carried on dialogues with each of these "parts" of me.

I Asked Merlin numerous existential questions, but mostly he told me that he would rather I find the answers myself in my own time and my own way. He said I had all the time I needed, a:c'lt:J. he would gladly help, but he couldn't do it for ~

At this point, my "inner family," as I began to call the group, numbered seven, including me. I did not meditate every day, but spontaneously every few days, when I felt sufficient time had elapsed since my last meditative encounter, and I sensed that the time was right for another session.

The appearance of Merlin was startling at first, but on further thought, seems to fit both the archetype of the

Wise Old Man of Jung and the Guide of Steinbrecher. The

2 I will use the pseudonym "Barbara." 49

Wise Old Man is the archetype of spirit and meaning who symbolizes the pre-existent meaning hidden in the chaos of life (Jung, 1969, Pt. 1, p. 35). He often appears in dreams as a wise magician (pp. 34-35). He is the one who knows the meaning of life, as well as the direction to fol- low. In that sense he is truly a guide. He tends to appear in the hero's life at the point when the hero's own resources are completely exhausted (Jung, 1969, Pt. 1, pp. 217-218). The archetype of the Wise Old Man also includes the concepts and attributes of sage, magician, and king (p. 270).

The Merlin who appeared in my fantasy certainly has these attributes. He also offers warmth, kindness, and support as a benevolent father figure would. These are the attributes of Steinbrecher's Guide.

The animal will lead you to an unknown male figure. The initial Guide for both men and women is a male form. You will generally feel an outpouring of love or friendliness from the figure. (1977, p. 47)

He continues:

The Guides come in all the many varieties that we humans do, and they are always "unknown" figures and not celebrated spiritual teachers of the recent or distant past. The Guides tend to wear the clothing they wore when they last lived on the planet (or so they say about themselves), which is perhaps why they never appear in con­ temporary dress. They also say that they are connected to us through love or duty, and that we have shared a life on the planet with them at some time and may well again. And, most impor­ tant, the Guides are aZways human figures and do not have the power of gods. (p. 49) 50

Merlin fits these descriptions to an amazing degree.

The figure which appeared as my mother has both a personal and a collective meaning. As my mother, she

appeared because the major work to be accomplished in the meditative fantasies of the project (see Chapter 5) con­

cerned her directly. But she also represents the Mother archetype who includes both the nurturing, protective aspects of mother as well as the devouring ones (Jung,

1969, Pt. 1, pp. 81-82).

The fact that the female character who appeared definitely represented my mother might lead one to wonder whether Merlin also represented my father. The possibility is quite strong, and Merlin does, of course, represent a father figure. But that figure is associated much more with a father as I wished him to be than with my actual father. As such, Merlin represents in part, the Father archetype whose qualities of spiritual guide overlap those of the Wise Old Man.

The marriage of male and female principles in the fantasy was suggested by Oyle to represent the reconcilia­ tion and unification of opposites. This was a bit diffi­ cult to accomplish in the fantasy since two males appeared.

Howeve4 Grizzly was very willing to undertake the neces­ sary sexual change, and still managed to come back to marry Melinda, his female bear counterpart.

The change leading to bear marrying bear and human 51

marrying human seems to have been influenced by my con­

scious mind whose sense of logic and order seemed disturbed

by the prospect of Merlin marrying Melinda, who was a

female bear. Although the change was suggested by Grizzly who preferred marrying someone of his own kind, the fact

that marriage and copulation between animals and humans is

not uncommon in mythology seems to suggest that the uncon­

scious would not object to such a union but that the con­

scious mind would tend to place taboos upon it. A specific example of a woman entering a bear's den and uniting her­ self with him is found in Russian folklore (DeGubernatis,

1968, V. 2, p. 118). The woman subsequently gives birth to a son who is a man down to the waist and a bear from the waist down. This half-roan, half-bear becomes a cunning animal who cheats the Devil. In a Danish tradition, a girl is violated by a bear and gives birth to a monster.

Of course, mythology is replete with interminglings of animals and humans. The gods and goddesses were fond of assuming various animal shapes or changing lesser gods or mortals into animals as punishment for various acts which displeased them. A notable example of a god who combined both human and animal forms was Dionysus who at times appeared as a bull, and at times as a goat (Frazer, 1963, p. 453). The retinue of Dionysus included Satyrs who com­ bined human features with those of goats, and centaurs who were half-roan and half-horse. The centaurs, themselves, 52 were the product of a union between a monster named

Centaurus and the mares of Pelion (Guirand, 1959r pp. 160-

161). My conscious mind, however, would allow no such union to emerge from my unconscious at this stage of my development.

Continuing with the meditative fantasies,

One day, a big, black, angry gorilla appeared. He was shaking his fists, stamping his feet, and breathing fire from his nostrils. His mouth was open and drooling, and fire was visible inside his mouth. He was furious--in a real rage. He had appeared as Fear in a previous meeting during the Psychosynthesis workshop, but now he seemed to represent anger rather than fear. He said his name was Fury and he represented all the anger and rage within me. He was furious because I kept him locked up in a dungeon--never allowing him any expression. I said: "So, you take it out on me by giving me all sorts of body pains and ailments." He said: "Of course, I do and I'll keep right on doing it if you keep me locked up like this." I said I wanted to let him out more but I was afraid he would take over, that I would lose control and become very destructive. At that point, it occurred to me that if this gorilla was anger and not fear, then where was fear? As I thought this, a grey flowing shape appeared with her arms draped around Fury's neck. She was rather scary at first, but Fury didn't seem to be bothered by her. So I began to accept her and to realize that I often use anger to hide fear, but also that I'm very much afraid of my anger.

Fury and Fear are closely intertwined, which explains the arms around the neck. I carried on dialogues with both

Fury and Fear, and as I did I became more accepting of these emotions within me. They seemed less threatening and apparently willing to cooperate, if given recognition and acceptance. 53

As I continued my meditative sessions during the pre- project period, four more parts of me emerged: Ego, Shadow

{whose name is Jerry}, Knight-in-Shining-Armor on a White

Charger, and Achiever.

In my meditative fantasies, the mental picture of my ego which appeared looked like an amored car with two short stubby legs instead of wheels. It appeared to be made from heavy steel plates riveted together with rows of rivets along all sides of each face. On each of its four side faces are appended smaller box-like structures made of the same riveted plate material, and to some of these ••boxes" are riveted smaller steel plate "boxes." Ego's whole appearance is that of an impregnable, immovable, cumbersome mass giving off feelings of zero flexibility and monolithic rigidity. He gives the impression of being important, controlling, demanding and getting his own way, throwing his weight around whenever possible, and protecting himself at all costs. These costs include my serenity, friendships, honesty, close relationships and spontaneity.

In my meditative fantasy dialogue with Ego, he admitted that he was trying to control me; to run my life his way. He didn't like my pushing him into the background. He said the only way we'll ever accomplish anything is to plan, execute, and control it ourselves. He did not believe in a Higher Power or Inner Self, even upon presentation of verified evidence. Rather he believed in his own power to satisfy his desires.

Ego is by far my most troublesom part, because he insists on being in charge--on running the show--on doing everything 54

"his own way" to the exclusion of all other parts of me.

He also maintains one or more images (who appeared during

the project phases) by means of which he tries to fool the

outside world that he is independent, self-reliant, and

self-sufficient. I had numerous meditative fantasy

encounters with Ego both before and during the project,

primarily to ask him to let go, to stop controlling to

some unrealistic, arbitrary standard, and to become more

flexible, more friendly and more willing to negotiate.

One day, during a meditative session, the picture of

a knight in full armor came riding toward me on a white

horse. He was not entirely strange. I had met him also during the Psychosynthesis workshop. He is the Savior aspect of myself who derives his worth, and therefore

mine to the extent that I identify with him 1 through solv-

ing other people's problems. That is his mission in life

--to rescue anyone who has a problem he/she can't handle

(a mission usually reserved for and ascribed to God!)

This time, I wanted to confront him; to discover where he came from and why.

I started asking him questions aimed at discover­ ing the Knight's true underlying dynamics. At one point, I asked him to remove his headgear. He refused. I said I would do it myself if he did not cooperate. He remained obstinate. I walked up to him (I was not on horseback) and removed the headgear, expecting to see the face behind the mask. But there was nothing! Utter emptiness faced me; no head, no face; just a gap­ ing neck hole. I was frightened, but decided to peer inside the body of the armor. Way down at the bottom, straddling the horse with his short 55 r ,

legs sticking out, sat a little boy. It was Gerard. I started to speak French to him,3 asking him what he was doing there. He said he was just doing what he thought everyone expected of him: saving damsels in distress and anyone else who might need help. He said that he gets his strokes by being of service to others, while at the same time forgetting himself. I asked Gerard if he wanted to get off the horse, take off the armor, and come join the family circle; he said "yes" and he did.

I began to talk to him like a father to a child, respecting his individuality but trying to pro­ vide parental guidance to help him change by being less tied to his "shoulds." I told him he really didn't have to go around trying to save the world since he couldn't anyway; that his self­ worth was not related to how many "rescue mis­ sions .. he carried out or even attempted to carry out. I said his (and my) self-wor-th derive from an increasing acceptance of all of ourselves. To accept ourselves more fully as we are, we need to stop trying to be what we're not. "Rescue missions 11 are all right only if someone really needs help, has asked for it, and really can't do it without our help. Otherwise, they are detri­ mental both to us and to the person being rescued. Gerard said all that was a little above his head, but he thought he knew what I meant.

The next part of me to appear was Achiever. He is the

"doer" part of me--the knowledgeable, efficient, intelli- gent, capable man who gets things accomplished. He plays a strong role in any project I undertake. He's the one who gets it done, and often in the light of numerous obstructions from other parts of me, such as Procrastinator or Sad Sack (see Chapter 5). I felt good about Achiever and he was satisfied with our relationship too. The only danger I felt came from the past; that Achiever would take

3 I was born and lived in France for the first 10 years of my life. 56

control again as he used to, and drive me to the point

where my priorities about family, work, and play became

very distorted.

I said I couldn't let him do that anymore. Ee said he wasn't sure he wanted to anymore. He was willing to accept a lesser role for the benefit of the whole of us (me).

One day, during a meditative session, I became aware of an

ominous presence in the background. It hovered from place

to place around the group, but without showing itself

fully. I wanted to ignore the presence, hoping it would

go away, but he didn't let me. He kept bringing me back

to the awareness of him by revealing himself a little more

over several sessions. Finally, I could ignore him no

longer.

He now was a large bodyless head whose face looked like me when I was about 30 years old and who was wearing a high pointed hat just like Merlin's. Finally, I confronted him. I asked him who he was and why he was here. He said he was my shadOWi his name was Jerry. As he spoke, he came into clearer focus and moved to the fore­ ground from his self-effacing position in the rear. He said he was the dark side of me, the opposite of everything I was trying to be. He said I needed to learn to accept him if I wanted to continue to grow into a whole human being. That seemed very frightening at first. How could I accept someone or something who is the opposite of everything I want to be? But as I continued the dialogue with Jerry, he became more real and less threatening. He finally agreed to stop sabotaging my efforts if I would be willing to accept him as part of me. I said I'd try.

The character of Jerry embodies a great many characteris- tics which are difficult to accept as mine. For example, the ''seven deadly sins," Pride, Fear, Gluttony, Greed, 57

Anger, Envy, and Sloth are all felt by most of us, and must be met by confrontation and acceptance, rather than repres- sion, bypass, denial, or other avoidance.

I knew I had more work to do with Jerry. I felt that he was threatening to replace .Her lin, wearing the same type of hat; yet I had not confronted him with this. Also, his not having a body made it difficult to accept him and to keep my attention focused on him.

The purpose of recapitulating these pre-project sessions is threefold:

1. To provide a background for what is to follow;

2. To introduce the main characters which appeared during the sessions;

3. To provide the reader with an idea of the process of the sessions and the interactions which typically occur between myself and each unconscious character.

According to Jung:

This process can . . . take place spontaneously or be artificially induced. In the latter case, you choose a dream, or some other fantasy-image, and concentrate on it by simply catching hold of it and looking at it .. -.. --Usually it_will alter, as the mere fact of contemplating it animates it. The alterations must be carefully noted down all the time, for they reflect the psychic processes in the unconscious background, which appear in the form of images consisting of conscious memory material. In this way, conscious and unconscious are united, just as a waterfall connects above and below. A chain of fantasy ideas develops and gradually takes on a dramatic character: the pas­ sive process becomes an action. At first it con­ sists of projected figures, and these images are observed like scenes in the theatre. . . As a rule there is a marked tendency simply to enjoy 58

this interior entertainment and to leave it at that. Then, of course, there is no real progress but only endless variations on the same theme, which is not the point of the exercise at all. The piece that is being played does not want merely to be watched impartially, it wants to compel his [the observer's] participation .. He will notice, as the actors appear one by one and the plot thickens, that they all have some purposeful relationship to his conscious situa­ tion, that he is being addressed by the uncon­ scious, and that it causes these fantasy images to appear before him. He therefore feels com­ pelled ... to take part in the play and, instead of just sitting in a theatre, really have it out with his alter ego. For nothing in us ever remains quite uncontradicted, and consciousness can take up no position which will not call up, somewhere in the dark corners of the psyche, a negation or a compensatory effect, approval or resentment. This process of coming to terms with the Other in us is well worthwhile, because in this way we get to know aspects of our nature which we would not allow anybody else to show us and which we ourselves would never have admitted. (1963, pp. 495-496) Chapter 5

DATA COLLECTION AND ANALYSIS: PHASES 1 AND 2

The experimental data of this project was collected through a series of self-guided meditative fantasy sessions conducted in two phases as described in Chapter 3, Method- ology, and following the format outlined in Chapters 3 and

4. The sessions of Phases 1 and 2 are a direct continua- tion of those of Phase 0. Several figures who appeared during the Phase 0 sessions reappeared and played major roles in the Phase 1 and 2 sessions.

Because of space limitations, and to present a more coherent view of the project, _the contents of all the sessions, as recorded af~er each session, are not presented here. Rather, the sessions are sun~arized in Tables 4 and 5.4

Three main themes emerged during the series of medi- tative fantasy sessions: control, sexuality, and change.

It is important to note that there was a minimum of con- scious direction of sessions. Therefore, the themes

4 . The complete text of all session recordings is avail- able by contacting the thesis author at P.O. Box 452, Van Nuys, California 91408.

59 60

Table 4

SESSION THEMES PHASE 1

Session Date Theme(s)/Summary Number

1 9/26/76 Merlin's face decomposes. Shadow (other Merlin) replaces him.

2 9/28/76 Aborted session.

3 10/1 to Merlin returns 10/76

4 10/1 to I confront Jerry (Shadow) and become more accept­ 10/76 ing of him.

5 10/27 or All characters want to be equal in size. Size 28/76 is allowed to vary.

6 10/29 or Jerry asks me to join the circle. Awareness 30/76 that I am a mixture of symbols, animals and peo­ ple. Love appears as pink light.

7 11/2/76 Fury, Ego and Fear interact with and become more accepting of Love. Realize my fear of seduction and that immobilization (due to fear) was rewarded by mother.

8 11/3/76 Awareness that I'm the center of action. I am the spirit, intuition, and will. The parts of me want me in charge, but want me to exercise power wisely.

9 11/5/76 Sex and God appear. Sex is uncomfortable; God is a white light canopy over us, all-protecting, calming.

10 11/10/76 Sex has intercourse with Barbara.

11, 12 11/18 to Sex divides into an ugly part (Lust) and a hand­ 12/5 some part.

13 12/9/76 Critic appears and criticizes me for being too accepting and too dependent on my Higher Power. Admits responsibility for my stiff neck. Experiments with different body shapes. 61

Table 4

(Continued)

Session Date Theme(s)/Summary Number

14 12/13/76 I become aware of Critic as a seductive woman (my mother). I am confused about masculinity and femininity. Sexy, the handsome part of Sex, reappears and Harlene, a beautiful, per­ fect girl appears. They make love. They are the "perfect couple." a 15 12/16 or Max, Harlene, Lusty, and I have a free-for-all 17/76 sexual orgy. I feel I have crossed an invis­ ible barrier. No guilt or shame surfaces in session.

a New name for Sexy, the handsome part of Sex. 62

Table 5

SESSION THEMES PHASE 2

Session Date Theme(s)/Summary Number

16 1/5/77. Re-acquaintance with all parts of me. Discus­ sion with Max reveals my envy of his accept­ ance of his sexuality. While trying on various sizes for Max's penis, Marlene joins us. Dif­ ficulty in accepting that Max and Marlene are inside me and that the four of us (including Lusty) are married. Taught that sex is dirty and forbidden as a child. Fear of possession; total surrender to Devil. Strong anger at Susana for sexual rejection.

17 1/7/77 Realization that I wanted to possess my mother when I was a child--and never could. She rejected me sexually. Marlene understands but I don't want to possess her.

18 1/9/77 Close spaces in circle; Max and I snuggle up to Marlene and put our arms around her. Shame and Guilt appear--at first interconnected. Guilt admits to wanting to control my life. Guilt and Shame separate. Guilt feels better at my admitting he has a positive role--agrees to moderate actions in return for my recognition. Shame tells me I'd better work with Lusty and Ego to reduce his action. He would like me to find some positive use for him as I did with Guilt.

19 1/12/77 Main characteristic of Jerry (Shadow) is fear. I recognize my Shadow as my old self--afraid, uncomfortable, repressed, withdrawn, all head, and no body!

20 1/16/77 Jerry's (Shadow) metamorphosis into easy going, likeable "person" leads to a joyous celebration by all. Critic experiments with softening her body.

aSusan is a pseudonym for author's wife. 63

Table 5

(Continued)

Session Date Theme(s)/Summary Number

21 1/19/77 Everyone sleeping off the party. Critic has gone back to her old body but tries changing again. Critic agrees to be less compulsive if I accept her value to me. Acceptance appears and is eager to cooperate. Surrender and acceptance are not submissiveness which leads to ego destruction. Surrender and acceptance are more gentle and lead to taming and subduing of the ego which means humility.

22 1/23/77 Feeling of psychological discomfort 2 days prior to session leads to emergence of bears (Grizzly, Melinda, and Cubby) as hangers-on and of Procrastinator. I reprimand Procrasti­ nator. He becomes recalcitrant and blames the bears and Fear. Session aborted by telephone ring.

23 1/26/77 In response to reading Ornstein (1972), Left and Right Sides of my brain appeared. Discus­ sion and negotiation of control with Left Side. I spend some time admiring Marlene. Left Side tells me I'm afraid of uncontrolled emotions and passion. Fear agrees. I protest that I want equality between Left and Right Sides. But Fear and Left Side tell me I'm afraid of self-destruction (by uncontrolled emotion) and rejection. Image appears and I'm shocked by him!

24 1/30/77 Memory problem at start of session. Then Wimpy (Procrastinator/Sad Sack) tells me he's sad about my sex life. I look at Max and Marlene enjoying intercourse. Critic stops me. Wimpy is sad because my sex life with Susan was never and never will be like Max and Mar­ lene's. Forgot rest of session; overload rebellion (or resistance against facing sex issue!

25 2/2/77 Awareness of contrast between Wimpy (Procras­ tinator) and Image. Image tells me I want to be he. I protest and tell him he's too 64

Table 5

(Continued) "======Session Date Theme(s)/Summary Number

egotistical and too much a pompous ass. I recognize that at one time I did want to be like Image--but not now! I want to banish him but an inner voice prevents me. Image moves over to Ego's shoulders. I accept him as my Old Image. New Image appears and is accepted by me and the other "group members."

26 2/6/77 Old Image comes off his pedestal and makes himself more comfortable. I again threaten to get rid of Old Image, but New Image (Gerry) defends him. I agree and welcome Old Image's changes and cooperation. Continuation of Session 18, uncovering how Barbara controls using Critic, Fear, and Guilt. I ask Merlin for help in coping with Barbara, but he gently reminds me that it's up to me--that I can do it myself. Critic reverts back to her old 2 x 4 body.

27 2/9/77 Start with "Hip, Hip, Hooray" exercise, as Old Image continues to drop old "props" (British accent and cigarette holder). Concern about negative parts changing to positive and why do I still have stiff neck pains? Barbara again admits to using Critic and Guilt to manipulate me. I again seek help from Merlin but he tells me it's between Barbara and me. Barbara admits being afraid of sex but tries to cover up that her sex life with Merlin is not good. Merlin has intercourse with Marlene while Barbara watches. I enjoy her pain.

28 2/12/77 A brief, unscheduled session in which Flexi­ bility appeared. I asked him to come back on a regular session day.

29 2/13/77 Cancelled because of illness.

30 2/16/77 Flexibility reappears; I ask him to soften up Critic. Critic adopts a rounder, softer body. Flexibility throws some loops of flexible wire around her to help her keep her new shape. 65

Table 5

(Continued)

Session Date Theme(s)/Summary Number

She likes it, but I don't trust her. Ego and New Image reach impasse, but New Image is willing to wait as long as necessary for Ego to surrender.

31 2/19/77 Appearance of Vengeful in grey flannel suit brings associations of revenge toward Barbara (and Susan).

32 2/20/77 Vengeful reveals his desire to sneak in close to Barbara and then hurt her. I become angry at him for being a sneak. Barbara cringes; Vengeful screams at her. I intervene. Barbara is sorry. I realize that Susan has replaced Barbara and I have unconsciously con­ fused the two of them.

33 2/23/77 Susan appears and I tell her how I feel about our relationship. She listens and smiles.

34 2/27/77 Awareness of last session and wanting to make it special, but I give that up. Ego emerges as Controller who uses Critic, Fear, and Guilt, and works with Barbara. 66

literally emerged spontaneously from the unconscious.

The 15 sessions in which control was the predominant

theme (refer to Tables 4 and 5) were Sessions 1 through 8,

13, 17, 19, 23, 32, 33, and 34. Sexuality was the dominant

issue in 11 sessions: Sessions 9 through 12, 14 through

18, 24, and 27. The two issues of sex and control are

closely related. This becomes very apparent in at least

6 sessions (11, 12, 16, 17, 18, and 27). Sex is often used

by one or both partners to control a relationship, and can

be used by men as pseudo-proof of their supremacy. Also,

enjoyable sex requires a willingness to give up control,

thus releasing the inhibitions often placed on sexual

activities.

The remaining eight sessions (20 through 22, 25, 26,

28, 30, and 33) were related to changes within myself and

preparation for future changes. According to Steinbrecher

(1977, pp. 36-37), internal changes performed through the

Guide Meditation often lead to changes in the person's

external environment. This has been the case in almost

every instance of change occurring during the meditation

sessions of this project. In some way, the external situa­

tion has changed some time after the initial change.

To make the presentation and discussion of data more

readable, one of the three themes, sexuality, is selected

and the sessions pertaining to that theme are used as exam­ ples of the way in which the unconscious material fits in, either 67

directly or symbolically with the unfolding and working­

through of a problem in the author's life. Session con­

tents are also related to underlying archetypes which may

have given rise to the fantasy characters and to mythologi­

cal tales which express the author's life problem more

generically. Following the presentation of session con­

tent and related problems dealing with sexuality, the con­

tents of several sessions representing psychological

changes leading to psychic integration are summarized.

SESSION DATA DEALING WITH SEXUALITY

Eleven of the 33 fantasy sessions dealt directly or

indirectly with the subject of sexuality. This is not

surprising since sexuality, or the represssion of it, has

been a major aspect of the author's life. It was a central

issue of the author's therapy some 20 years ago. At that

time, the sexual conflict in the author's psyche was

recognized and traced back to its origin, but the resolu­ tion of it was only partially successful. In the ensuing years of the author's marriage, the "sexual question" as it

is called by Jung (1966, p. 20) was relegated to a place of

lesser importance compared to other more pressing and less disturbing issues.

At the time of the self-guided meditative fantasies of this project (1976-1977), the author's sexual conflict· could no longer be ignored. It had been surfacing for a year or so prior to that time, and was manifesting itself 68 as increasing dissatisfaction on the part of both the author and his wife with their sexual relationship.

Several attempts to deal with the problem openly through therapy had been pre1naturely aborted or never carried out because of other interfering problems in the marriage.

It is not surprising, therefore, that the unconscious forces which had been denied recognition for more than 20 years should choose the opportunity of the fantasy sessions to express themselves. Jung says:

As the archetypes, like all numinous contents, are relatively autonomous, they cannot be inte­ grated simply by rational means, but require a dialectical procedure, a real coming to terms with them, often conducted by the patient in dialogue form, so that, without knowing it, he puts into effect the alchemical definition of the meditatio: "an inner colloquy with one's good angel." (1969, pp. 40-41)

It is such a vehicle for inner dialogue that these medita- tive sessions provided. Before presenting any of the actual session material, it should be noted that all char- acters who appeared during any session remained present in all future sessions. In my fantasy, we were all seated in a circle under a tree in Yosemite Valley, somewhat like an encounter group, and I was the facilitator.

Phase 1 Sessions

The first session which dealt directly with sexuality was Session 9. In this session, a grotesque, animal-like creature appeared and said that he was Sex. I was shocked that Sex should be so ugly in my mind, but two possibilities 69 arise to explain this: one cultural, the other personal.

The cultural reason is pointed out by Jung:

After all, nobody can be completely independent of the currents of his age. Since then [the early twentieth century] the "sexual question" has largely been thrust into the background by political and spiritual problems. That, however, does nothing to alter the fundamental fact that man's instinctual nature is always coming up against the checks imposed by civilization. The names alter but the facts remain the same. We know today that it is by no means the animal nature alone that is at odds with civilized con­ straints; very often it is new ideas which are thrusting upwards from the unconscious and are just as much out of harmony with the dominating culture as the instincts. (1966, p. 20)

He continues further:

Neurosis is self-division. In most people the cause of the division is that the conscious mirid wants to hang on to its moral ideal, while the unconscious strives after its--in the contempo­ rary sense--immoral ideal which the conscious ~ind tries to deny. (1966, p. 20)

The personal reason for Sex appearing as ugly as he did is related to my early relationship to my mother and her rela- tionship to my father. My early childhood experience fits very well the erotic triangle described by Freud (1938, pp. 308-309) and restated so eloquently by Campbell. Com- menting on the dream of an American youth of 23 who has been separated from his wife, he states:

The unsuccessful husband here reveals . . . that instead of bringing his spiritual energies forward to the love and problems of his marriage, he has been resting in the secret recesses of his imagi­ nation, with the now ridiculously anachronistic dramatic situation of his first and only emotional involvement, that of the tragicomic triangle of the nursery--the son against the father for the love of the mother. (1970, pp. 5-6) 70

He continues:

The unfortunate father is the first radical intru­ sion of another order of reality into the beatitude of this early restatement of the excellence of the situation within the womb; he, therefore, is experienced primarily as the enemy. (1970, p. 6)

Unfortunately, in my case, my mother unconsciously

encouraged the already existing triangle. She and my

father were not happily married and she often complained to

me of his animalistic and crude sexual behavior. In fact,

on numerous occasions, she likened his behavior in bed to

that of a bear. This bit of recalled data which I had for-

gotten until now, seems to fit quite well with my fantasy

material. It seems to indicate that Grizzly is the animal-

istic side of my father, and that Merlin is the spiritual

side of the father archetype or the father I never had.

As Jung explains, archetypes all have dual natures, and the

unconscious contents tend to be compensatory to the con-

tents of consciousness. Since what I am dealing with in

these sessions is the repression of my animalistic sexual

side, it seems consistent that Grizzly should appear first

in my fantasy sessions, followed immediately by Merlin.

To return to my mother, she was my source of love (as

long as I behaved as she wanted me to)--beautiful, young,

attractive, as well as possessive, controlling, and man~pu-

lative. She possessed for me all the attributes of the duality of the mother archetype--loving, nourishing, and giving, but also devouring, stifling, and annihilating 71

(Jung, 1969, pp. 28-84). She had only to utter an occa-

sional word of distress about my father for me to see him as the animal-like ogre persecuting the fair damsel-in- distress (he was 15 years her senior), and to see myself as the knight-in-shining-armor whose duty it was to rescue her. In true knightly fashion, I also put her on a pedes- tal and saw her as a goddess or near-goddess at whose altar

I should sacrifice myself as in the myth of Attis and

Cybele. Cybele was known as the Great Hother, or mother of the gods in ancient Phrygia and some held that Attis was her son who is reputed to have castrated himself in the service of the goddess (Frazer, 1963, pp. 403-409).

In view of this background, it is not too difficult to see why Sex might appear in my fantasy as a grotesque, animal-like figure. Here is. the recorded text of Session

9:

At the beginning of this session, all members of my "fantasy family" were milling about and chat­ ting as if they were at a cocktail party. I asked them all to sit down, and as I looked around the circle, I suddenly became aware that sex was not represented. As soon as the aware­ ness hit me, Sex appeared. He looked rather grotesque which surprised and frightened me at the same time. I certainly didn't expect him to look like a long, thin, animal-like person made out of copper-colored, stringy mashed potatoes, but that's what was appearing in my mind's eye. I didn't say anything to him for a while, nor he to me. But he immediately took a seat in the group, I believe it was between Jerry (Shadow) and Merlin, and looked as if he were trying to disappear into the crowd, embarrassed to be there. He had a long pointed penis much too long even for his long, stringy body. Had it been between his legs, his penis would easily 72

have reached his knees (wishful exaggeration on my part, no doubt). But it protruded very promi­ nently in front of him as he sat on his hands with his knees half-drawn up trying to hide it from the others. He had no clothes on obviously, just strings of mashed potatoes all over his long skinny body--not really on his body, but actually the substance of it. His face was non-descript; his nose was a snout-like projection similar in shape and protrusion to his penis and he had no chin; no hair on his head which almost came to a point.

I wanted to ask him about his appearance, but in looking around the group which was sitting in the usual close circle, I suddenly became aware that God was missing. I looked at all the parts of me and didn't see God anywhere. After all, He is a part of me too and I a part of Him. The most important part! As soon as I became aware of God's absence, He appeared.

He was a canopy of pure white light hovering about two feet above our heads curved up in the middle and hanging down slightly toward our heads around the edges. As soon as He appeared, we all got very quiet and looked up at the white light with wonder and some feeling of awe. There was a magic quality to it, like a pure white protective umbrella which would keep any harm from reaching us. We could almost reach up and touch it--yet it was just out of reach; none of us even tried. It was enough that it was there--we felt good, hushed, together, united all of us with the white light-­ no more conflict, no more tension; all was calm, quiet, and beautiful. The light had a wavy quality to it, slowly undulating up and down a few inches, but just hovering there for our protection, our use--whatever use we might want to make of it. He did not speak; we did not address it. We knew; we all knew that He was God!

The beauty, calmness, and serenity was interrupted by the gentle awareness which crept up on me that time--which had seemed to stand still--was on the . move. I didn't want to leave the group--I felt so good, so serene, so centered.

It is interesting that God should appear immediately after

Sex, especially since Sex was so uncomfortable and 73

embarrassed. It seems I still have some unconscious guilt

feelings about my sexuality and particularly its animalistic

side, and needed God to reassure me that I was OK. The

content of several sessions which follow as well as experi-

ences in my life during the 6-month period following this

session seem to bear out the fact that my feelings about

my own sexuality needed quite a bit of work.

The appearance of God as related to sex is not unusual

as pointed out by Freud and Jung. Freud asserts that the

religious function is often a sublimation of the repressed

sexual drive, and Jung follows this direction in his inter-

pretation of the dreams and fantasies of a young woman,

Miss Miller:

As we have seen, the religious hymn unconsciously produced by Miss Miller appears in place of the erotic problem. It derives its material for the most part from reminiscences which were reacti- vated by the introverted libido. The deity thus takes the place of the human singer; and earthly love is replaced by the heavenly. (1970, p. 59)

In the following session, Session 10, the figure which had appeared as Sex in Session 9 reappeared. He still seemed

unconfortable, nervous, and self-conscious. He made his needs known without wasting any time. He said he wanted to have intercourse with Barbara. At first, I was shocked.

Could it be that a part of me wanted to have sexual rela- tions with my mother? Then I remembered that according to

Freud, this was the unconscious desire of every young boy and my therapy had shown me years ago that as a boy I had 74 had a strong feeling of attraction and love for my mother which led to fantasies of incest.

Since I was now delving into my unconscious, it seemed reasonable that these fantasies, which had never had the chance to play themselves out, might be reactivated. As

Jung puts it:

We did not know then--and who knows even today?-- that a man can have an unconscious . . passion for his mother which may undermine and . . . com­ plicate his whole life, so that the monstrous fate of Oedipus seems not one whit overdrawn .... But when we follow the paths traced out by Freud, we gain a living knowledge of the existence of these possibilities, which although too weak to compel actual incest, are yet sufficiently strong to cause . . considerable ... disturbances. We cannot, to begin with, admit such possibilities in ourselves without a feeling of moral revulsion, and without resistances which are only too likely to blind the intellect and render self-knowledge impossible. But if we can succeed in discriminat­ ing between objective knowledge and emotional value-judgments, then the gulf that separates our age from antiquity is bridged over, and we realize with astonishment that Oedipus is still alive for us. (1970, p. 3)

I decided to put aside my moral judgment and to see where this symbol of Sex was leading me. I gave Sex permission to have intercourse with Barbara if she were willing, and she was. Gerard, the figure who represented me as a little boy, was eager to watch but did not care to participate.

He was aware of the incestuous fantasy but too frightened by it to take part in it--as I was for a number of years.

Here is what took place in the fantasy.

The three of them (Sex, Barbara, and Gerard) were in the center of the circle while the rest of us sat around and watched too. Nobody was embarrassed. 75

No one was ashamed. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world. After all, we were amongst ourselves. \vho was to know or criticize? So Sex went at it. I was amazed at his gentle­ ness. I expected him to be rough, uncaring, .self­ satisfying, and inconsiderate. But he wasn't. He just wanted to make his gentle movements for­ ever, and Barbara seemed to enjoy it as much as he did. She actively participated and squealed with delight as they continued to build to a climax. I couldn't understand how Sex could last so long. I was jealous! The strange thing was the climax never came. They kept at it so long and seemed to enjoy it so much that I stopped the fantasy.

I honestly don't know if I stopped it out of jealousy, or because they enjoyed the act so much that the climax was incidental. At that point the fantasy stopped. I opened my eyes and it was over. I felt OK but puzzled. In some strange way, it seemed I had cheated myself. Perhaps I was trying to tell myself that it's not so much fun as I thought it was or perhaps unconsciously, guilt prevented the orgasm. The strange thing was that they (Sex and

Barbara) seemed to feel OK about it too. No one was angry at anyone--a little disappointed perhaps because it didn't end the way it was "supposed to," but not angry.

In this session, the seeds of the figure Critic who did not appear until Session 13, are already present in the statement "Who was to know or criticize?" However, the predominating feeling in the session and immediately afterward is enjoyment and accomplishment. In the fantasy,

I have finally done the unthinkable; I, under the guise of

Sex, have dared to do the forbidden. It is difficult to convey the reality of the experience and of the feelings 76 resulting from it to someone who has not experienced them personally and subjectively. Active mental, emotional, and experimental participation in the visualized experience seems to be a requirement of the guided fantasy mentioned by several authors. Jung has already been quoted on this subject (1963, p. 496). Giving instructions for a similar experience, Bentov suggests:

Close your eyes and visualize yourself engaged in your most favorite activity. This visualization has to be as perfect as possible . . . you have to be there--all of you. Don't just think you are there, but feel the warmth of the sun . hear the sound. . use all your senses. (1977, p. 45)

Similarly, suggesting a way of meeting one's inner Guide,

Steinbrecher says:

Take a step out into the landscape . . feeling the new ground under your feet. Is it soft or hard, grassy or rocky? What is around you? What is the scene like? Let all these impressions come to you and solidify. What seems to be in the distance? What is the weather like? Be there as totally as you can. (1977, p. 46).

In the following sessions (11 and 12) the character Sex reappeared and became more differentiated. In fact, when I questioned him about his ugliness, he informed me that not all of him was ugly. It was only the lust part of him that was grotesque, ugly, and reminiscent of a bear. He has another part who emerged during these sessions who is young, handsome, loving, and charming. This differentia- tion of Sex into two parts representing its duality is con- sistent with the dual nature of archetypes discovered and 77

described by Jung (1969, p. 35), and is also another step

in the gradual development of the fantasy representation of

my sexuality from a bear primarily associated with my

father's sexuality a$ depicted by my mother, to an animal-

like grotesque figure, to a dual representation of the

"ugly" (to me) lust within me and the desirable, handsome man I would like women to see in me. It is becoming quite

clear that I have associated lust with animalistic drives which I repressed in myself and with my father whom I rejected to much too great a degree because of my mother's

influence.

Here is the recorded text of Sessions 11 and 12:

I asked Sex why he was so ugly and brown. At first he said he didn't know; then when I pressed him he said, "because lust is ugly."

Me: "So you represent lust?"

Sex: "I am lust, you didn't recognize me? I am your lust, which you shut out--you push me away, keep me locked up!"

Me: "Yes, I guess I do. I don't like to think of myself as 'lusty!' It's scary."

Sex: "What are you scared of?"

Me: "That I won't be able to control you--that you'll take over."

Sex: "So what if I did? Would it be so terrible?"

Me: "Yes, it would; you would just grab and rape and gratify yourself anywhere and everywhere and I would just become one great big red hard penis!"

Sex: "So?" 78

Me: "So, I don't want to do that or be that!"

Sex: "But if you keep me all chained up like that, I'm just going to keep causing you problems; I'm going to keep you frustrated all the time."

Me: "Yes, I know. I guess that's why you came out, but I can't let you take over."

Sex: "OK, so I won't take over--but let me have a little fun once in a while instead of con­ trolling me so much. You over-control you know."

Me: "I guess I realize that now--thanks for tell­ ing me."

Sex: "So what are you going to do?"

Me: "Well, I'm willing to give you more of a free rain, if you promise not to take over completely."

Sex: "That sounds fair."

Me: "I wish you weren't so ugly."

Sex: "Only a part of me is like that; the other part is handsome."

Me: "What's the other part?"

Sex: "The other part of sex--the glamour boy, the seductive charm, the handsome brute."

As soon as he said that, he suddenly changed into a handsome young man about 18 or 20, completely naked with a "normal-sized" erect penis. He has a beautiful Adonis-like body, practically hairless. He has blonde curly hair and blue eyes, and he smiles all the time. He is proud of his erection and likes to show it off to everyone. It is there all the time; it is constant!

My Critic appeared in Session 13, probably to perform a necessary rebalancing function to prevent the ego's being overpowered by the products of the unconscious or to 79 prevent the inflation which can result from assimilation of unconscious material by the ego. According to Jung:

[The] assimilation [of the contents of the uncon­ scious) augments not only the area of the field of consciousness, but also the importance of the ego, especially when, as usually happens, the ego lacks any critical approach to the unconscious. In that case, it is easily overpowered and becomes identical with the contents that have been assimilated. This [assimilation] inevitably produces an inflation of the ego, unless a critical line of demarcation is drawn between it and the unconscious figures. (1968a, p. 23)

So it seems appropriate and beneficial for my Critic to appear in the fantasy session at this point and "to take a strong stahd'' about the sexual activities of previous sessions. Critic is evidently protecting my ego from infla- tion and from being overpowered. Further work with Critic in future sessions brought about the appearance of Guilt and Shame and the use of all three of these forces by

Barbara to control me. I mention this work with Critic at this point only because it is indirectly related to the sexuality issue and to my past and present relationships with Barbara. Because of space limitations, I will not go into further detail about Critic, except to say that when he first appeared, I thought him to be masculine, but as he became more definite, it became clear that she was feminine and closely associated with my mother. The masculine Critic is equally valid since during my early years I felt criticized and disapproved of by my father as well as my mother, but I placed a great deal more 80 importance on my mother's judgments than on my father's.

This confusion (or duality?) of Critic's sex made clearer than ever the duality of human sexuality. It was the pre­ cursor of the appearance of the female side of my person­ ality in a future session.

At this point in the fantasy sessions, the unfolding of the repressed aspects of my sexuality continued. The next facet to emerge was my feminine component who appeared in Session 14.

Singer (1977) asserts that men and women are all androgynous beings created in the image of the Creator, who him/herself was (or is) androgynous (pp. 83-85). Jung, of course, has long maintai~ed, based on the evidence of his patients' dreams and fantasies, as well as his own experience, that the male psyche includes a female arche­ type which he named anima, and that the female psyche con­ tains the corresponding male archetypal component, animus.

Jung also supports Singer's contention of the androgynous nature of the divine entity which he refers to as the syzygy (1969, p. 64; 1968, pp. 11-22).

My experience in these fantasy sessions bears out this sexual duality. The female, named Marlene, who appeared in

Session 14 was breathtakingly beautiful; warm, friendly, open, inviting, and receptive. She could be none other than anima. Yet Jung (1969) indicates that the anima, like other archetypes, has a dual nature. She is not only 81 beautiful, good, and desirable, but also "unconditional, dangerous, taboo, magical'' (p. 28). He says, "Because the anima wants life, she wants both good and bad" (p. 28). A certain element of danger, taboo, and magic was present in this beautiful Marlene. The danger seemed to be that she was so beautiful, so desirable that she could easily lure a man to a downfall if he succumbed to her charms and allowed himself to be possessed by her.

But this element did not emerge in the fantasies; rather it remained as an undeveloped undercurrent.

Marlene's most pronounced attributes were her warmth, receptivity, availability and enjoyment of sexual activi- ties. These were all attributes I desired in a partner but which had not been available in the partner I chose in marriage. In a way, then, Marlene was not only symbolic of the numinous archetype of the anima, but was also a fantasy wish-fulfillment. As was to become clear later, she and my relationship with her were also precursors of a future experience. Here is the text of the relevant material of

Session 14:

About this time, my attention was distracted to Sexy, my blond, blue-eyed, sexy-looking male with the muscular, lithe body who had appeared a few days ago. Is he really a virile male or homo­ sexual? "Blond with blue eyes" seemed connected with homosexual for some reason--why? I asked him. He didn't seem to care. He didn't even seem to hear me. But it continued to bother me. Instead of answering me verbally, suddenly a beautiful young girl appeared next to him. She had a perfect body with long, flowing blond hair. Her face was shimmering, she was so beautiful. 82

Her breasts were just the right size and well shaped. She smiled at Sexy, completely ignoring me. He turned to her and they began to make love unashamedly, in front of all of us. It seemed the most natural thing in the world. I became lost in watching them and began to get a tingly feeling in my testicles and an erection. It was quite an erotic experience and I enjoyed it. I still don't know who the girl is--maybe she is a part of me, or maybe she is "the girl of my dreams." In my romantic fantasies, I can easily see myself lost on a south sea island with her.

I realized while recording the session that I was not at all aware of any jealousy of Sexy while they were having intercourse. I was too engrossed in being a spectator to want to participate; also watching is safer than doing!

Maybe I wouldn't be good enough for her sexually (another reason for preferring to be a woman? A woman doesn't have to "perform" in the same way a man does! Or does she?)

The two of them seemed like strangers to me. I only knew Sexy a little bit and don't know the girl at all--not even her name. It almost seemed as though Sexy was saying,

"See? I'm not a homosexual. I'm making it with. Marlene."

I don't know where that name carne from, but I know that it is her name. Sexy and Marlene appear so perfect that they are reminiscent of the divine pair or syzygy which Jung discusses (1968, pp. 11-22).

In the following session (15) my sexuality continues to emerge as further inhibitions are dropped:

It was a very sexual session involving Marlene, Sexy, whom I began to call Max (the name just appeared and I remember one of us saying "It's 83

short for Sexus Haximus"), Lusty, 5 and me.

The four of us had a free-for-all lovemaking orgy; it was thoroughly enjoyable. There was no shame, no guilt, no discomfort, no hurt feelings, no over-sensitivities on anyone's part--just sheer sexual and sensual fun!

I had a very good feeling afterwards as though I had crossed another invisible barrier--but another part of me

(Critic?) said: "I wonder if I really have? It's easy to do things in fantasy but how would it be in real life?" I put the thought aside, so that I could enjoy the experi- ence, fantasy or not. Later in the day, I remember think- ing about my inner group and wondering who was missing from it. Then suddenly, it came: guilt and shame! I now realized that they had been lurking in the background, threatening to spoil my enjoyment, but during the orgy, I did not allow them into consciousness. They did not appear in the fantasies until Session 18. It seems strange to me now that I had gone through the entire sexual orgy without feeling guilty or shameful. Perhaps that was the barrier

I had crossed, because I seldom allowed myself such fan- tasies in the past. The few that I did allow myself to experience were followed by feeling that I must be less than "normal" to desire such activities.

Session 15 was the last in Phase l, but the sexuality theme continued to develop in the first three sessions of

5 when Sex who originally appeared in Session 9 split into two parts, one was ugly and became Lusty; the other handsome and became first Sexy and then Max. 84

Phase 2 and in subsequent sessions as well.

Phase 2 Sessions

A gap of three weeks occurred between the last

session of Phase l and the first session of Phase 2. Also

a new year (1977) started. It seemed like a new beginning,

yet a continuation of the old. I felt the need for reac-

quaintance with all my apparitions who were nmv "group mem-

bers."

It felt good to renew acquaintances--to see every­ one again. I went around the circle and greeted all of them (all parts of me) and they were glad to see me. No one even asked me why the long absence on my part. They seemed to know and to be accepting of me. They were seated (I seated them) in the order shown in Figure 1.

(Susan) ( Barbara Merlin [Love] Grizzly Critic {. (Left/Right Jerry/Shadow Brain) Melinda 41-- (Acceptance) Cubby [God] Lusty} (Guilt) Max (Flexibility ~~r ard [Love] (Shame) Mar l ene (Vengeful) j Fear (Sadsack/ Fury Wimpy) Ego

(Old Image)} Me (I) (New Image) -----+

Figure 1. Seating arrangement of my inner characters at the start of Phase 2 (Session 16).

Note: [] Indicates figures who had appeared previously but were not in my consciousness during Session 16.

Note: () Indicates figures who are to appear in future sessions. Arrows indicate their future places in the circle. 85

I realized while drawing the diagram that Love and God were

not in my awareness during this session. God, of course,

is like a protective canopy of soft white light over all

of us, while Love is sometimes a soft pink hazy glow in the

middle of the circle touching all of us and sometimes takes

his place as one of us in the circle. In the past he/she

has been in the midst of the original foursome (Merlin,

Barbara, Grizzly and Melinda).

During the reacquaintance, it occurred to me that

the names Max and Marlene both start with MA and also that

my son's name is Mark. MA is also a diminutive for mother.

It struck me that Max is an all-around male, but not

"macho.'' He feels good about being male, knows himself,

accepts his sexuality; and beyond that and his good looks,

he is also intelligent, personable, gentle, tender yet firm,

and pleasant; all the characteristics I attribute to Mark.

I became aware of being envious of Max as at times I'm

envious of Mark. But I'm also glad for Mark; glad that,

though quiet, he is not nearly as shy as I was. He seems

to have no sexual hang-ups as I have had,and seems to know where he is going. I feel good for him and about him.

Sessions 16 and 17 were particularly significant to the issue of sexuality because they helped me to become aware of certain negative feelings I have had about sex which were acting as blocks to my further growth in this

.area. Briefly, these were some degree of envy of Max and 86 of my son Mark, lack of awareness that Marlene, Hax, and

Lusty are all parts of me, a feeling that sex is repulsive

(dirty) in some way, the shame I feel about my own sexual- ity and sexual arousal, and a hidden belief that uncontrol- led sexual passion can lead to possession by the Devil.

In Session 16, my awareness becomes very strong that

Max, Marlene, Lusty and I are all parts of me and that we are all "married" and inseparable. Through this awareness the realization comes that internally there are no limita- tions on sex and that the only limitations are external ones which we (I) place on it for moral reasons. It becomes clear to me that the arbitrary moral standards of

"mother" need no longer limit my enjoyment of sex.

In this session, my negative feelings about sex also surface. The associations of slimy, dirty, and "only for grown-ups" left over from childhood are brought to con- sciousness. This awareness of childish feelings and the acting out in the conscious fantasy sessions of unconscious material from childhood may be seen as a regression of libido which is a necessary step to allow the resumed pro- gression which leads to wholeness and creative adaptation.

Jung puts it in the following way:

During the progression of libido, the pairs of opposites are united in the co-ordinated flow of psychic processes. . But in the stoppage of libido that occurs when progression has become impossible, positive and negative can no longer unite in co~ordinated action, because both have attained an equal value which keeps the scales balanced. The longer the stoppage lasts, the 87

more the value of the opposed positions increases. The tension leads to conflict, the conflict leads to attempts at mutual repres­ sion, and if one of the opposing forces is suc­ cessfully repressed, a dissociation ensues, a splitting of personality, or disunion with one­ self. . The struggle between the opposites would persist in this fruitless way if the process of regression, the backward movement of libido, did not set in with the outbreak of the conflict. Through their collision the opposites are grad­ ually deprived of value and depotentiated. This loss of value ... is synonymous with regression, for in proportion to the decrease in value of the conscious opposites there is an increase in value of all those psychic processes which are . . . for the most part unconscious. (1960, pp. 32-33)

He continues further:

What the regression brings to the surface cer­ tainly seems at first sight to be slime from the depths; but if one does not stop short at a super- ficial evaluation . . , it will be found that this "slime" contains not merely incompatible and rejected remnants of everyday life, or inconveni­ ent and objectionable animal tendencies, but also germs of new life and vital possibilities for the future. (1960, pp. 34-35)

Jung's description of the concept of progression and regression of libido seems to fit well the events of the fantasy sessions described to this point. Certainly some of the material emerging from the unconscious could be found objectionable on moral grounds, but it is precisely those moral grounds which caused the progression of libido to stop and this "objectionable 11 material to become uncon- scious in the first place. These moral grounds, then, must be re-evaluated and perhaps removed, at least in fantasy, to allow the repressed material to come to consciousness and thus provide "the germs of new life" which help 88 re-establish the progressive flow of libido. This seems to have been the purpose of the sexuality fantasy sessions.

The text of Session 16 illustrates the flow of unconscious material resulting from the regression.

I told Max that I was envious of him and he said "But you don't have to be envious; I'm not some­ one else, I'm a part of you; I'm inside you; you are me anytime you want to be." I hadn't thought of it that way, but it's true! I still couldn't accept it completely, though I felt better about looking at it that way. I said: "I'm not you; I don't have a penis one foot long!"

Max: "Well, you wouldn't want to have either, you'd probably scare the girls (women) away."

Me: "Then why is yours that long?"

Max: "Because you made it that way."

Me: "That's right, I did."

r-1ax: "I'd just as soon have it normal-size, but itrs your feeling that yours is too short that made you make mine this long."

Me: "True, though I accept the way I am for the most part, there's a part of me who would like to have a longer penis; if it's not you, then who is it?"

Max: "I don't know; maybe Lusty--his is kind of long and weird shaped!"

Lusty: "Yeah, I'm the one; I like 'em long; the longer the better."

I began experimenting with the size of Max's penis, making it fatter as well as long, (a pillar of strength?, a place for women to worship?) then shorter, short and fat, short and skinny, long and skinny, etc. As I did this, Marlene became inter­ ested and I became aroused. She started to play with Max's penis, but soon she stopped, ~nd looked at me, beaming and looking radiant. I looked straight into her eyes and said: "You know you're breathtakingly beautiful. You're everything, not 89 only beautiful, but intelligent, charming, fun to be with. You have personality, you're soft, understanding, accepting, active, enthusiastic, creative. I could go on forever! You're the perfect woman. She said, "Yes," smiling her beautiful soft angelic smile, "and I'm inside you." That was hard for me to believe. The per­ fect man and the perfect woman inside me? Oyle had said ."Marry them: but who? Should Harlene marry Max? or Lusty? or Me? or all three of us? It was confusing. Instead of asking her what she'd like; I decided we should all get married, the four of us. Marlene said that was OK with her but not really necessary; we were already married, all of us and we could do, say, think, or feel anything we wanted to--married or unmar­ ried. It didn't really matter. She was avail­ able to all of us whenever we wanted her. (It didn't occur to me then, but one woman for three men? Was she i~plying she was worth three of us or at least capable of dealing with--satisfying three of us? Maybe so.) What did occur to me was, "Do I really want to share her with Max and Lusty?" Feelings of jealousy surfaced but were not strong and were short-lived. I didn't want to be jealous and neither did they seem to be. I wanted to cooperate. I wanted all of us to get along. I thought, "Well, I've always got Susan."6 But right now I really don't. She's going through some difficulty of her own!

At some point, I became aware of my discomfort with sexuality again; that somewhere in me, I feel that sex is dirty even disgusting; slimy and smelly too! What came to mind were early childhood experiences. "Don't touch yourself;" "Don't play with your 'fontaine' (French euphemism for penis)." I remember a few epi­ sodes with friends which were mostly looking at and comparing our genitals. But even at 6 to 8 years old, we knew we were doing a "bad" thing; something we were not supposed to do. As I found out when my friends "confessed, 11 and they invariably did, it was something that displeased MOTHER!, and that something you just didn't talk about very much. Then there were the dirty jokes I was too young to hear, the porno records I couldn't listen to. The whole area of sex was a dark and forbidden mystery.

6 Susan lS ' a pseud onym for my wlfe• 1 s name. 90

As the early experiences came back (some of them had already been explored during my therapy), I began to realize they.did not have to control my attitudes about sex any more, if I just became aware of them and didn't let them, and asked for my Higher Power's help as I do in other difficult areas.

As my fantasy continued, I tried to become aware of what it was about sex itself that might be unclean or disgusting. I thought of semen and female secretions as slimy inner juices which are at once attractive and repulsive, but that did not seem to be the root of it. There seems to be something to be hidden and shameful about being sexually excited. You can't let anybody see that you're sexually excited (is it a weak­ ness?). I have certainly always been very private and furtive with my erections.

There is also something frightening about the whole subject. It began to dawn on me that maybe it was the loss of control. Unless we all feel shame or guilt or both about sex, our sexuality, our susceptibility to the sexual drive, it is such a strong drive that it might take us over completely.

We are all afraid of demons lurking in the back­ ground waiting to possess us! And that seems like the real fear--the fear that sexual excite­ ment is another state of consciousness (ASC) and that if we are not on our guard, through shame, guilt, moral sanctions, we will be taken over, possessed, lose control and become sexual slaves. This must be where the association between sex and the Devil comes from! The Devil possesses and often seduces through enjoyment! There is a definite parallel here which bears further explor­ ation.

The loss of control which sexuality requires to be enjoy­ able comes into focus in this session, and my fear of this lois became quite clear. The feeling that sex is dirty is not only a carry-over from childhood, but at a more funda- mental level, acts as a deterrent against losing control to sex. The numerous and paradoxical aspects of control 91 and sex become quite apparent. The loss of control which is so necessary to enjoy sexual experiences produces an anticipatory fear which tends to insure that sex will not be enjoyed to the degree where one might permanently lose control to it--perhaps to the point of addiction and obsession. To assure that this situation does not occur, the Devil is even invoked--a rather extreme measure.

The appearance of the Devil is also paradoxical. The

Devil is the antithesis of enjoyment and love, yet he can be easily summoned by excesses of both. According to May

(1969), the daemonic is always present where love is pres­ ent since it is its opposite. To have a successful love experience, then, the daemonic must be accepted and suc­ cesfully integrated with the positive love emotion. In actuality, we try to do the opposite. We attempt to con­ centrate so strongly on the love and enjoyment of it and to exclude the daemonic side, that through our non­ acceptance, we give the Devil greater power. This power eventually becomes too strong and overwhelms the love which exists between people with the results becoming evident in the divorce courts and the break-up of the family.

Between Sessions 16 and 17, the problem of my sexual­ ity errupted into my external life. Susan decided that she no longer wants sexual relations with me until there is some improvement in our performance which had been poor 92 for a number of years. We had resorted to blaming the problem on each other and could not reach agreement as to what type of therapeutic help to seek. Susan had finally attended a women's sexuality workshop which seemed to improve the situation for a while, but then her hostility toward me was constellated and she decided to suspend sexual activities with me. I became extremely angry and hurt. I could see no justification for this action on her part.

The first thing that came to mind when I woke the morning after my extreme anger was the realization that this anger was as much directed at my mother as at Susan.

It came from my wanting to possess her, my wanting to have her all to myself as a child, and never being able to because of my father's presence--but also because I wasn't strong enough, potent enough, man enough! It was difficult for me to believe that I am still carrying around with me something I thought I was finished with. I thought I had gone through it, and resolved it, but it seems not. It suddenly occurred to me that Freud was not all wrong about children wanting to possess their parents, except that the possession is not all sexual--though there is definitely a sexual component. I believe it also stems from wanting to insure and control our source of supply! Make it safe; make sure it's always there and available to us,--not just supply of food, shelter, etc., but supply of love, approval, 93 closeness. It also occurred to me that as a child, I had a strong, though unconscious sexual drivei I wanted to possess and seduce my mother but was not aware of it and was never able to realize it.

Today I realized that it was not my mother who had seduced me, as I believed (though she helped). Rather, the desire to seduce and be seduced was within me--it came full blown from somewhere within! I don't know why I suddenly felt this and became willing to accept it, but it seemed to be true to me. I wanted to own it. I know that before I accept it completely, I have more work to do with it, but it's a beginning, perhaps even a breakthrough. I repeated to myself again; I always thought she wanted to possess me and maybe she did, but what I never accepted before is that I wanted to possess her! (And I now wonder if that's where a lot of this guilt and shame came from?)

During my meditation, I wanted to talk to God and to Love. It struck me as interesting and fitting that these two came up since they had not appeared during the previous session. I told God (the white protective canopy of light) about my anger of the previous night and how I felt cut off as my mother had cut me off.

I did not realize till now that the choice of words

"cut off" also means emasculated or castrated. It is true that unconsciously I had felt castrated by my mother, and now the scene was being repeated with Susan. Actually I had allowed it to go on for a number of years but now it 94

was becoming so obvious that I could no longer ignore it.

No wonder I had such a strong reaction!

I also became aware today that Marlene is Anima and Max is Animus (at least partially); I went to Marlene and she understood and comforted me. I realized that she is inside me and that I can possess her but I'm not sure I want to.

That seemed interesting! I'd rather let her be free

to be herself and not possess or control her or Susan or

my mother. We all need to be ourselves, not controlled by

or controlling anyone else. The effort to possess or con-

trol, though understandable in my little child is really

not necessary as an adult. I can let go; I don't have to

let my little child control but I need to recognize,

acknowledge and accept the fact that he wants to! With

that view of the situation, I felt much better.

The transference of my mother onto Susan which I had

made for years became clear in this session and its after-

math. Susan was the replacement for my mother. Because

of the limited and limiting way she used her sexuality,

Susan fit this role very well. With her I could continue

to attempt the conquest of mother (which would have terri-

fied me had it succeeded) and assure that I would fail.

This repeated failure gave me good reason to build up a

great resentment against Susan while simultaneously pro- viding a feeling of safety, since I did not have to assert

or exert myself sexually. My lusty, animalistic urges

could remain safely hidden under the pretext that I would 95 I ' not inflict such a burden on Susan.

The next session where the issue of sexuality came to the fore was Session 24. In the previous session, a new character called Sad Sack or Wimpy or Procrastinator had appeared. He re-appeared in this session with a very sad look on his face. He represents my defeatist sub- personality. He feels all effort is futile; nothing ever succeeds; I am doomed to failure. He wallows in sadness and self-pity.

I started to talk to Sad Sack, asking him why he was so sad all the time. At the same time, it still bothered me that I couldn't remember his name. Finally, I asked hiP1: "What's your name anyway?"

Sad Sack: "I don't know."

Me: "Well, the other day you had a name."

He looked up and his little old wrinkled face started to smile. I said, "I think I'll call you Wimpy (I have no idea where that came from, except that it sounds like Weepy). He said, "OK. II

Me: "So what are you sad about?"

Wimpy: "You know; your sex life; can't seem to quite make it. It's always the same.

He: "What's that got to do with you? It seems to me it has more to do with Max and Marlene and Lusty."

Max and Marlene were facing each other sitting cross-legged on the floor. They seemed to be enjoying each other; touching, smiling, laugh­ ing, caressing each other, leaning over and kissing. As I watched, they inched closer and closer to each other until she was sitting on top of his legs which were now extended straight 9G

in front of him. She squirmed with delight, savoring the moment.

Just then, Critic spoke up.

Critic: "There you go getting carried away with sex again. Stop doing that."

She was telling me I should stop thinking about sex. I got back to Wimpy.

Wimpy: "See, that's what you wish you could do with Susan but she won't and it never happens. That's why I'm sad. What's the use of trying? It'll never happen."

Me: "You sure are negative aren't you? And you predict the future too?"

Wimpy: "Well, that's the way I am. You know me, negative all the way."

Me: "But a minute ago you were smiling. What's happening?"

Wimpy: "Well, maybe I'm getting fed up with being sad all the time. I'm going to try to smile more and maybe I'll cry less."

Me: "You know we have to live one day at a time. Nothing is forever or for never!"

Wimpy: "Yeah. When I remember that, I'm OK. I don't have to be such a prophet of gloom."

There was more, but I have forgotten it after having waited 24 hours to record it. I believe the blanking out at the start of the session, the delay in recording the session, and forgetting the end of it are all part of an overload rebellion I suffered about half-way through this phase.

This session is also a precursor of things to come.

Sad Sack is trying to get me to recognize my procrastina- tion in this area and my hanging on to attitudes of the 97

past. I now realized that the sadness and heaviness I had

felt the previous week was related to sex. I was sad that

my sex life was so poor, yet procrastinating about doing

anything about it as I had for years. Also, I often use

sadness (depression) to replace or avoid expressing anger.

In Session 27, my anger surfaced and I expressed it

directly and indirectly. Although I was not aware of it

then, the transference of my mother onto Susan became quite

pronounced. On the surface, I was angry at Susan for

removing herself from me completely. Unconsciously I was

trying to separate from Barbara and using anger to do it.

It seemed that the more angry at Barbara I became, the more my relationship to Susan deteriorated. In the session

I decided to punish Barbara by having her watch Merlin and

Marlene engage in intercourse.

Here is the relevant dialogue:

Me: I said to Barbara, "What do you want of me anyway? lvhy do I still care what you want of me after all these years? What difference does it really make whether you approve of me or n~t?

Barbara: "I don't know why you still care, but I'm glad you do. Yes, I use Critic and I use Guilt. I want you to be sweet, charming, loving, cooperative, understanding, helpful, witty, intelli­ gent, and most of all, devoted to me!"

Me: "Hey, that sounds like a description of Old Image. 7 Is that where I got him

7 old Image is an image of me as Barbara wanted me to be who appeared in a previous session. He resembles Doug­ las Fairbanks, Sr., who was Barbara's teenage idol. 98

from? He came from you? Well, how do you like what he's done with himself?"

She didn't answer. I suddenly became aware that there were really two "me's" here. There is the sweet, loving, charming "me" that she wants. That's what I'm like outside, for others--particu­ larly women. But there's also the angry, selfish, fearful, lusty "me" who wants what I want when I want it. I thought "Oh my God! How are we ever going to integrate the two of us? I said to Barbara, "Why don't you get off my back; \vhy don't you concentrate your attention on Merlin instead of me? How's your relationship with him?"

Barbara: "Merlin and I are doing fine. We have an understanding. He's very good to me. He tends to want to digress sexually every once in a while but I under~tand that. It's OK with me." I looked at Merlin still smiling and said to Barbara:

Me: "How do you feel about sex?"

Barbara: "I'm afraid of it."

Merlin was now looking at Marlene. I said:

Me: "Would you like to make it with Marlene, Merlin? (The similarity of their names never struck me before). Before he answered, Marlene came toward him and said:

Marlene: "I'd like that; I like to be here for whoever needs me spiritually, emotion­ ally and physically--here I am Herlin."

Merlin seemed overjoyed. He started taking off his clothes (coat and hat) . He had long flowing white hair with his hat off, and wore nothing under his blue star-spangled coat. He had a nice looking taut body--though it looked like the body of an old man--skin slightly wrinkled in spots, but not too much. He approached Marlene tenderly and started to make love to her--caressing, kiss­ ing, and getting a little excited. Marlene was returning all the caresses and more. They were soon oblivious to all of us, and all wrapped up in each other and their feeling for each other. Lusty was looking on, jumping up and down 99

excitedly and acting somewhat like an overjoyed, kindly moron enjoying.the experience vicariously.

As they continued, Merlin's body seemed to shrink to the size of a dwarf (or a little child?). This didn't seem to interfere with their lovemaking at all which continued to a climax. The small size of Merlin's body did make me somewhat uncomfort~ able. I kept trying to help him stay large, but he kept getting smaller. It didn't seem to bother anyone but me.

When the intercourse was over, Merlin went back to his normal size (which is about 5 feet 5 inches tall) and just laid there next to Marlene for a while, just being close and caressing during the refractory period.

Barbara looked at them sadly and I experienced a feeling of wicked enjoyment from watching her sad expression. She looked wistful; as if saying "I wish he enjoyed it like that with me. I wish I could be freer." After a while ~1erlin and Marlene got up and separated. She went back to Max who had given his approval to the episode and Merlin put his clothes back on and stood next to Barbara again. He looked more radiant than he ever had before!

I knew I had more work to do with Barbara and felt frus- trated that we hadn't gotten further with it. I realized that I have inherited (culturally) her fear of sex; that I have a great deal of anxiety and guilt associated with it which makes it a very difficult area for me to work through.

In Session 31, a new figure named Vengeful appeared.

His appearance seemed to have been triggered by a discus- sion I had with Susan. She told me that she needs psycho- logical distance from me because whenever she allows me to get too close, I ''zap" her. It seemed to her that I wanted to hurt her or punish her. I had great difficulty 100

accepting this because I did not want to admit that I have

a hurtful, sadistic part in me. But when I later substi-

tuted Barbara for Susan, I began slowly to realize that what Susan was saying might be true. I could accept that

a part of me wants to hurt Barbara. That part had already made an appearance in Session 27 but was not yet differen-

tiated at that time. According to Assagioli:

We are dominated by everything with which our self becomes identified. He can dominate and control everything from which we disidentify ourselves. (1971, p. 22)

Since Vengeful was still undifferentiated (I was

still identified with him) in Session 27, he was in control

and took his revenge in an indirect way. In Session 31, he emerges more clearly, so I am able to disidentify with him.

He then becomes consciously recognized as a distinct part of me, and as a result, is able to express himself more directly to Barbara while I observe the action as well as participate in it. Here is the text from Session 31:

Then Vengeful appeared. I didn't want to see him and kept telling him to wait until tomorrow, but he wouldn't. He was wearing a grey flanel suit, double-breasted, and his face was as grey as his suit. His eyes were narrow black slits and his mouth was also a narrow slit. His hair was short and black, and combed a la Hitler! He seemed to be hard, hurtful, and sadistic. A feeling of fear went through me as I looked at him and tried to avoid him at the same time.

His appearance is quite striking and frightening. Grey is the color of death, and Vengeful is destructive. The flanel suit, as in The Man in the Grey FZanel Suit, 101 represents the tyranny, rigidity, and coldness of a giant institution, and the hair combed in the Hitler manner is an association with the vengeance, sadism, and cruelty of the Nazi regime. The giant, juggernaut institution, there- fore, is the Hitler machine, which at its peak crushed everything in its path with not an ounce of caring or com- passion. Hitler persecuted the Jews with a vengeance. My

Vengeful is persecuting Barbara in similar manner, and apparently hiding his true motive by substituting Susan.

It is not surprising that I did not want to see him, was afraid of him, and was trying to avoid him.

But he would not be denied. As Jung says, archetypes are relatively autonomous (1969, p. 40) and Vengeful appears to be symbolic of the archetype of evil, the Devil.

He is also associated with my Shadow \vho had transformed himself into an easy-going, highly acceptable figure of a young man in Session 20.

In Session 32, Vengeful appeared again:

I went into the session expecting to meet with Vengeful. He didn't seem too happy about it. He had a grim expression on his face, but then, that's what he's all about, isn't it?

Me: "So you've finally come out, have you?"

Vengeful: "You called me, so I came."

Me: "I'm having trouble believing you're a real part of me. I want to think I just made you up, and if I ignore you, you'll just go away some place and won't bother me." 102

Vengeful: "No, if you keep ignoring me, I will go away but I will bother you even more --you know that."

Me:. "Yes I do. I've experienced it too many times not to believe it."

Vengeful: "Anyway it was time for me to come out --that's why you called me. That's why you're having this problem with Susan; that's why she indirectly pointed me out to you; that's why you finally had to look at me!"

Me: "Yes, but it's really hard to accept that I (you) would want to hurt anyone."

At that point I began to be aware that Barbara had been very uncomfortable--kind of cringing as if trying to shield herself from Vengeful!

Me: "She's the one you're really after, isn't she? She's the one you want to hurt--you sneak, you wouldn't even come right out and say that? You want to sneak up on her when she's not looking. That's exactly what Susan said--get in close and then ZAP!"

Vengeful: "Yeah, you're right; that is what I do --that's the way I work. Sneaky--close in and then ZAP!"

Me: "I can't believe it!" I really felt angry at him and was surprised at my own anger.

Me: "What is it you want from her? What has she done to you? Look at her. She's pathetic, she's terrified of you!"

Barbara was covering her face and head with her hands and cringing toward Merlin for protection. Vengeful screamed at her:

Vengeful: "I've already told you what you've done. You've stopped me from growing! You didn't allow me to be me. You did it by withholding love and by guilt-­ by approval and disapproval and you did it by getting in close and then ZAP! You're the one I learned it from. I 103

wanted to be so much like you. I adored you. I wanted and needed your love--all of it--and you would give it to me--and then ZAP!, take it away! Usually when I felt good, when I was exuberant or a little show-offy--you would ZAP me. 'That's no way to behave.' ZAP!! 'Don't be a show-off.' ZAP! 'I can't stand you when you're like this.' ZAP! Just like Susan said. It's absolutely uncanny--and now I'm doing it to her in the same way!"

Barbara: "OK, OK, I admit I was neurotic. I wanted to make you a nice, well-mannered well-bred young man, not a roughian like your father!"

Vengeful: "I wonder if you realize how destructive you were,--how controlling, manipulat­ ing, possessive--how you twisted me around your little finger."

Barbara: "Yes, yes I see it now. I see it all and I'm truly, truly sorry, really I am. I was doing what I thought was best. I was so miserable and unhappy myself."

Me: OK, Leave her alone now. She's old and she can't help it. She still can't see what she did; she still thinks it was all my father's fault and she can't change."

Vengeful: "So you're defending her still? She can take very good care of herself you know. She has for years under her guise of frailty--nervous breakdowns and 'I can't cope!' She doesn't need you now."

Me: "No, I guess not--but you've got to stop hounding her, because you're beginning to interfere with my marriage --or rather you have for a long time."

Vengeful: "Well, now that you're aware of me, you can do something about me if you choose."

He: "Yes, I know but I think it will take some time. I've got to accept you 104

within me,--to realize that I can hurt and do hurt and I'm not aware of it. But that doesn't relieve my responsi­ bility. I find it very difficult to accept you. I keep saying 'even if you are real' (and I know you are). It's partly Susan's response to you that creates the problem. That's the part I have trouble with; that she won't do anything about the past!"

I believe that Vengeful's appearance was the very

beginning, and at the same time a continuation of my dawn-

ing realization that I didn't have to be the good boy

Barbara wanted; that I am a man with the capability (and

sometimes the desire) to hurt--usually as revenge when I feel I've been hurt. The unfortunate and unfair part of it, for which I am truly sorry, is that for years, I've been giving Susan zaps which were meant for Barbara. Not that there isn't a great deal of similarity between Susan and Barbara, but I made it worse by often placing Susan in

Barbara's place. Of course, Susan obliged by giving me a lot to be angry about. She withheld love and sex as

Barbara had done, which facilitated the transference. I do believe now that many of the zaps Susan felt from me

(which I apparently learned from Barbara) were meant for

Barbara as well as Susan.

This was the end of the series of sessions related to the issue of sexuality. The significance of these sessions, their meaning in the process of my emotional development and increasing acceptance of my sexuality, and their effect in my external life are discussed in Chapter 6. 105

SESSION DATA DEALING WITH CHANGE

In several of the meditative fantasy sessions, sig­ nificant changes took place within me, which are worthy of mention because they demonstrate the value of this type of fantasy-dialogue. These changes occurred in two forms.

One was the actual change of a figure who appeared into a significantly different form or forms; the other was the crystallization of meaningful insight not previously known consciously or apprehended at the "gut" level. This insight emerged either during the sessions or during the recording of them. It also continued to develop after the sessions and during the writing of this thesis, but the latter type of insight and change will be discussed in

Chapter 6.

Changes of Fantasy Figures

Only one significant change occurred in Phase 1; the remainder in Phase 2. Since the Phase 1 change was of a sexual nature, it has already been discussed in the pre­ vious section. In Session 12, the ugly figure which had appeared as sex split into two parts: an ugly part which remained grotesque as the original apparition who called himself Lust or Lusty, and a handsome part named at first

Sexy and then Max. Thus the dual nature of sexuality was revealed, and I began to see it more realistically.

Because of this I began to accept my sexuality more, but 106 this was just the bare beginning which led to a great deal more work (and play) in this area after the project ended.

The first significant change in Phase 2 was the voluntary metamorphosis of my Shadow (Jerry) into an easy- going, relaxed, positive "person." At first thought it appeared that my Shadow had disappeared, and this caused such a positive emotional surge in my group of fantasy figures that it became reason for a joyous celebration by all of us. The metamorphosis and resulting celebration are described in the following text of Sessions 19 and 20.

Session 19--Wednesday, Janua~ 12, 1977

During this session, I met with the group with no specific agenda. It was good not to have a pro­ gram and just to let things happen. It was exciting not knowing in advance what was going to happen, but an old feeling of slight fear was also there that nothing might happen; that I wouldn't have anything to write about or to learn.

I looked around the group slowly but my attention kept getting drawn toward Jerry, my Shadow, the quiet mysterious one who is always so serious. I started to talk to him and our talk had consider­ able impact on me. I suddenly understood the part of me that is scared, withdrawn, afraid of closeness, openness, revealing anything. He said he was mortified most of the time when he saw and heard others in the group reveal themselves. He was scared and he controlled by withdrawing, mak­ ing sure no one got inside him. I asked him if he identified with Fear. He said, "Yes, very much. Fear and I are good friends."

Me: "Why all this fear? Where does it come from?"

Jerry: "Because if you tell them everything, they will hurt you with it."

l"'.e ~ "Who will?" 107

,Jerry: "Mother, father, people, everybody."

Me: "Maybe, but all that was a long time ago. It's not true anymore. I know better now and I can protect you."

Jerry: "I'm not sure I can trust you. I always had to take care of myself."

Me: "You're really my old self, aren't you? You're frightened, aloof, quiet, mysteri­ ous, and you want everybody to think you're brilliant. That's why your head is so big. You're vain and you cover up your fear with pride, cynicism, and sarcasm which keeps people away from you; and that feels safer. Also, you don't even have a body or sometimes a very small one. You're ashamed of your body. It feels so skinny and frail, you don't even want it do you?"

Jerry: "That's right, you've got me to a 'T'. Guess you ought to know, you were me for long enough."

Me: "Yes, but I tend to forget. I bet you're the one who's giving me aches and pains, you and Critic, aren't you?"

Jerry: "Yes, I join in because I want you to remember me better. I want you to feel me and pay attention to me, and not try so hard to evade me, and feel so different, and ignore me and talk about me as if I'm some stranger whom you don't even know anymore. I have feelings too you know."

Me: "Yes, I know, you're supersensitive, aren't you? You get hurt very easily.

Jerry: "Well you should be glad I don't control you anymore. There was a time when I was all of you."

Me: "I am glad, believe me; it wasn't really fun when you were all of me. But you should be glad you have all these friends here too, maybe you can learn to have some fun with us instead of always staring at us with your serious face!" 108

Jerry: "Well, I'll try but it's very hard for me!"

In this session, the character of Jerry became better identified and agreed to cooperate. He represents not only my Shadow, all the repressed "negative" parts of myself, but to a large extent, also embodies the character- istics of my youth. I was indeed afraid, mistrustful, closed, terribly uncomfortable socially, all of which were unacceptable to me. It is extremely helpful to be more aware of my old self so that I can see the changes from

"then" to "now" more clearly.

Session 20--Sunday, January 16, 1977

I had no specific intent as I started this session. My attention focused first on Jerry and I was sur­ prised to see him smiling. I said, "Hey, you're smiling; I think this is the first time I've seen you smile; does it have anything to do with our talk the other day?"

Jerry: "Yes, it does; I decided since you're pay­ ing attention to me and realized who I was that I didn't have to stay in that old role."

As he said this, he began to change "right before my eyes." His pointed hat came off; his head shrank in size; his hair started to grow long, sort of "hippie style" and he kept on smiling, as though he was enjoying the change, though he really didn't feel reaponsible for bringing it about. I said, "vJhat about your body? You still don't have one."

As I said that, his body appeared, about the size of mine, all dressed in "hippie clothes 11 --jeans, a loose collarless open shirt, socks, and sandals. He was casually reclining on the floor with the rest of us, leaning on his elbows, smiling from ear to ear, as if very proud of his new self. I said, "Hey that's terrific. Are you sure that's 109 you? What about the old you; can we really get along without him?" I was a little reluctant at this rapid metamorphosis, almost like watching a caterpillar turn into a butterfly in fast motion! He said, "Why not? We're all changing anyway. That old self of yours, that I was, isn't really there anymore. It's greatly changed already, so why keep up the pretense of the shyness and the withdrawing and the hiding? Why keep all that extra baggage? Why not let it all hang out? Get rid of it. It's all up to us; we're all here, aren't we?"

As he finished he started laughing and shouting with joy and I joined in and soon all the others did too. I felt exhilarated, lightened, freed, a beautiful feeling I had not felt too many times before. Now I was smiling and laughing and sing­ ing.

Soon everyone stood up and music started playing. I don't know where the music carne from; it didn't matter. We all started interacting, hugging, kissing, dancing, singing, like a great celebra­ tion of joy, a jubilee! It was quite an experi­ ence. I began to make the rounds, to touch every­ one, physically and verbally. They seemed to congregate in groups or pairs--Marlene, Max, and Lusty; Guilt, Shame, and Critic; Merlin, Barbara, Grizzly, Melinda, and Cubby and Gerard. Fury and Fear were dancing together and finally Ego joined in. It was all so strange and wonderful--a spon­ taneous celebration. Drinks appeared from some­ where and everyone was having a good time. I don't know if they were alcoholic drinks or not--that didn't matter either.

As I went to everyone, Marlene was dancing alter­ nately with Max, Lusty, and with me. It was very friendly and unsexual, even though she was still naked as was Max and when he danced with her, he had to put his still large erect penis between her legs which she parted slightly to make room for him. When Lusty's turn carne, Marlene did the same for him.

We all were enjoying this "platonic" experience. It was as if every part of me had given up his/ her power for the occasion of the feast. They had just put part of themselves aside and decided to have fun. Guilt and Shame were danc­ ing together, laughing and feeling neither guilty 110

nor shameful. Critic was experimenting with dif­ ferent shapes for the occasion, trying to relax his stiff, straight ramrod shape. He (or she?)8 shrank a little in height and took on width and shape. He looked at himself and laughed. He was having fun. Merlin was dancing with Barbara, and Grizzly and Melinda were dancing too. I said hello, gave them a hug and a pat on the back, and moved on. Gerard and Cubby were sitting on the ground facing each other, playing patty cake and hugging. I spoke to Gerard in French: "Alors, on s'amuse bien?" (having fun?). Then I saw Fury and Fear dancing and not being angry or fearful at all, but laughing and having fun like the rest of us. As I looked aroun~ it seemed someone was missing. I saw Ego sitting on the sidelines just watching. I said, "Why don't you join in?"

Ego: "Oh, you know me, I'm not very good at this sort of thing." He was pleasant enough.

Me: "Oh, go ahead. VJho cares how good you are?"

Ego: "Well, guess you're right. Might as well enjoy it." And with that, he joined the merry crowd and oegan laughing and dancing in his portly, somewhat clumsy way.

I watched and danced and hugged a few minutes longer and then became aware that it was time to go. I didn't want it to end but I became aware of time. I said goodbye to everyone--told them to go on enjoying themselves, not to stop on my account. They said they would and I left.

That was really a beautiful experience. It was so vivid, it seemed almost real. It left me with a warm glow and a happy feeling which lasted all day.

This session was the first of the sessions where

8 ' I have apparently reverted back to the masculine gender for Critic. This may be because I still have some uncertainty about whether Critic is masculine or feminine. Although the criticism that really mattered came from my mother, my father did more than his share too. Perhaps this uncertainty reflects the fact that the archetypal critic is~ masculine, while my own personal critic (mother) was feminine. 111

change was the major theme. It seems to have started with

Jerry spontaneously abandoning his old role (my old

frightened self) and changing into something symbolizing

what I am trying to become. I don't mean that I'm trying

to become a hippie, but I am becoming less controlled, more

casual, more relaxed, more accepting and more loving.

The celebration which developed as a result of this

change was quite unexpected, but probably reflected the

sense of liberation I felt at being freed from my old con­

stricting self. It was a way of expressing the exhilara­

tion of freedom, as well as the celebration of a new

birth; throwing off the inhibiting shackles of the past

and trying on my "new" self. This change has been

reflected in my conscious life to a considerable extent

since this session. The atmosphere of change was so perva­

sive that even my conservative, self-protecting and self­

preserving Ego was willing to abandon his self-consciousness

and join in the dance. It was a tremendously freeing experience.

The second significant change of a fantasy-figure was

the metamorphosis of my Old Image, who was reminiscent of

Douglas Fairbanks, Sr., into a much more relaxed, down-to­ earth, informal "fellow." Whereas he was on a pedestal when he first appeared and then moved to sit on Ego's shoulders as I realized how closely tied he was to my ego, during the change he came off his pedestal and sat on the 112 ground with the rest of us. He took off his smoking jacket,

threw away his cigarette holder, and loosened his collar.

He then relaxed,casually leaning against his pedestal.

This change was along the same lines as that of Jerry and may represent the moving closer to center of two extreme facets of my personality; or to put it another way, a reconciliation of opposites. It seems to bear out

Assagioli's contention (1971, p. 22) that we are control- led by those parts of us with which we identify, but are unaware of the identification. Thus we become that part.

When we consciously face that part of ourselves in a friendly rather than frightened way, and allow it direct expression, it not only tells us what it is doing to attract our conscious attention, but once having gotten that attention, it now becomes willing to ease its extreme controlling activities and to cooperate with "all of us" for the good of "all of us."

Here is the text of Sessions 25, 26, and 27 which is pertinent to this change.

Session 25--Wednesday, February 2, 1977

I was aware that Image wasn't saying anything, just sitting up there smoking his cigarette in a holder with that enigmatic smile on his face. I suddenly became aware that I was looking up at him. Why up? What's he doing up there? He was indeed sitting on a kind of promontory, very much like a pedestal, looking down on all of us, or down his nose at all of us. I said, "What are you doing up there? Think you're better than the rest of us; you have to sit above us and look down?" 113

Image: "You're the one who put me up here; you think I'm terribly desirable and I am. I'm what you aspire to. You want to be me."

Me: "I guess you're right," though it came as a bit of a surprise that I was doing that. "I do want to be you--poised, intelligent, sought after, Cary Grantish!"

Image: "Yes, well you have a long way to go, don't you?"

He spoke with a "bit of" a British accent, very affected and really phony! Something was wrong. Do I really want to be that supercilious ass-­ above everything and everyone--remote--protected by a pedestal, humor, wit, accent, cigarette holder and the lot? Just then he stood up on his pedestal. He was wearing black tuxedo pants, black patent leather shoes, a blue silk smoking jacket with black borders and lapels. He stretched his arms out and yelled: "I'm great, I'm the greatest; I've got it made; everyone admires and respects me!" I found myself at once amused and angry; attracted and repulsed. I want to be like that? I guess I did at one time. I know I did--but not anymore! That's not me and that's not what I want to be. I said, "You're full of ego, aren't you? In fact you probably should be sitting on Ego's shoulders. He sup­ ports you and nourishes you!"

I asked everyone in the group, "Do we really want him in our midst? What shall we do with him? I think we should banish him!" Max and Marlene weren't paying too much attention, too engrossed in each other as usual--the others seemed amused but indifferent. Then a voice (from somewhere inside me) said, "You can't banish him. You can't reject any part of yourself no matter how abhor­ rent!" Was that God's voice? I don't know, but I realized at once He was right.

Me: "True, I can't and don't want to banish you, but I don't have to have you be my Image anymore either--maybe my old Image, but not my current image."

Image: "I feel so much better. You've recognized me at last. For years I've been trying to get recognition and you kept denying and 114

denying and denying. You don't know how frustrated I was. I had to resort to subterfuge and even then you always recog­ nized me and squashed me! It was terrible. But how I can breathe at last!!!

He was still standing on his pedestal but when I said that he should be sitting on top of Ego, he moved over onto Ego's shoulders. Ego was right next to him--to his left. I was to his right with a space between us. He seemed very comfortable there and seemed to fit. I said, "How does that feel?"

Image: "Fine, fine--very good; you're right I do belong here!"

Ego: "Well, he's kind of heavy and I don't know if I like carrying all that weight around, but I guess I'll try it for a while; I guess it's OK."

When I thought that he was not my current Image, I began to wonder who or what is my current Image. As if in answer to my thought, a New Image appeared. He looks like me, grey hair, baggy eyes, but good looking. Dressed in my blue pants, blue pullover sweater and shirt collar sticking out--a kind middle-aged face, smiling, pleasant, easy going, open, honest, outreaching though on the quiet side. He really seemed like a realistic picture of me as I am (or as I try to be--or as others see me). I sometimes think they see me more as I would like to have them see me, rather than as I am (which includes all the others--other parts of me whom they don't often see). It was the first time I had really looked at me this way; as if through someone else's eyes--especially women's eyes. I'm not sure how men see me but I think this New Image whom I would like to call Gerry (with a "G"), and it seems to be OK with him, is how women see me.

I asked the others around the group what they thought of Gerry. The concensus seemed to be that they liked him a lot better than Old Image. They felt more compatible with him and sympa­ thetic toward him. I did too. He is a likeable guy.

The contrast with Old Image was striking. It sud­ denly struck me that all these years I've had an 115

image which I wanted to be, yet despised at the same time. What a spot to be in. No wonder I had so little self-esteem. I despised my image! How can that be? To want to be something or some­ one or some way yet at the same time despise what you're trying to be and suppress it! What a con­ flict! Hating myself because I wasn't and couldn't be Image--yet hating myself if I were and could be, and even for trying to be! Wow! It's incredible!

At this point, Old Image was getting kind of deflated. He said, "I just put on these airs for protection--to keep everyone away because I was afraid. I had to be aloof, hidden, secretive, unfeeling because it was the only way I could be safe. I feel much better now that you know and it's out in the open."

In this session I became fully aware of how pompous, superficial, and egotistical my image was, and had some difficulty accepting it. I wanted to get rid of the

"undesirable" but was stopped by an inner voice. Of course, I can't throw away or push away any part of myself without having that part fully and unconsciously retaliate for the rejection. I need to become aware of the parts I want to throw away, realize they're there, and learn to integrate them.

The emergence of New Image (Gerry) seems to indicate that I am willing to let go of Old Image rather than con- tinuing to respond to the demands of an "image from the past."

Session 26--Sunday, February 6, 1977

I had no specific topic planned for today's meditative fantasy session. I was aware that I had forgotten what had 116

transpired on Wednesday, but it was OK. I decided to

start and see what would evolve.

As I started relaxing and deep breathing, the work with Old and New Images came back to mind and the first "part of me" I saw was Old Image, sitting way up on his pedestal. He was so high up I could only see his body, legs, and feet as I looked up. It seemed as though his head was in the clouds. I said, "Hey, you still like it up there, all by yourself--isolated and looking down on us?" He didn't answer for a few seconds. I was about to repeat the question when he looked down, saw me looking up, realized what I'd said and answered hesitantly:

Old Image: "No, I don't really think I do. I'm uncomfortable, lonely, and I feel very stuffy."

Me: "Well, why don't you come down then? And join the rest of us?"

Old Image: "Thank you, I think I will."

As he said that, he came off his pedestal and for the first time his head appeared really clearly. He looked like me in my late 30's or early 40's, --mostly black hair--very little grey and a lot of hair on his head, very good looking.9 He looked rather ridiculous standing there in his silk jacket--very stuffy. I said, "Maybe you'd like to take your jacket off."

Old Image: "Yes, I think I would."

He undid the belt and took it off, then undid his black bow tie and took that off. He opened the collar of his ruffled shirt and said:

Old Image: "There, that's much better."

9 It seems I was experlenclng. . some con f uslon . as to whether Old Image looked like me now or like me about 10 to 20 years ago. When he first appeared in Session 23, I first saw a shock of black wavy hair, as I had in my 20's; but that immediately changed to grey thinning hair I have now. In this session, he reappears as I was about 10 years ago--with mostly black but some greying hair. 117

New Image: "Yes, you're much more approachable now. You're one of us. It's nice to have you with us."

Old Image pushed his pedestal back a bit and sat down on a ledge of it in the front side which was about at chair height. I said, 11 Not quite ready to give that up are you?"

Old Image: "No, I think I'll keep it around for a while. It gives me a little security. I might want to scramble back up there if it gets too uncomfort­ able down here with all of you!"

Me: "OK, whenever you are ready."

I noticed that I had been speaking with ~ British accent as he was. I said, "Now look what I'm doing; I'm mimicking your accent. You see what an influence you have on me!"

Old Image: "Ah my dear fellow, that's just the way I like it."

I was aware of wanting to stop the accent but con­ tinued to use it in spite of my desire to stop. I felt a little phony. Jerry (New Image)lO was smiling and apparently enjoying Old Image's descent from the pedestal. He seemed to welcome Old Image and to want to make him feel comfortable. I was aware of being a little jealous of Jerry's attention to Old Image. I said, "You know, you're kind of old hat; passe; we don't really need you around here at all anymore!'' But Jerry jumped to his defense.

Jerry: "No, no let him stay; we do need him. (New Image) We can't banish him. We need every part of you, whether old or new. We really can't get rid of anything.

lOR ere, I am exper1enc1ng. . some con f us1on . b etween Jerry and Gerry. In Session 25, I had decided to call my New Image Gerry, and Jerry was my Shadow who had changed into a much more relaxed casual form in Session 20. There is a definite resemblance between my "new shadow" Jerry and my new image Gerry. So here, I seemed to be confused about the two and called my New Image Jerry instead of Gerry. Perhaps the confusion occurred to remind me about their similarity. 11.8

Old Image: "Jerry's right you know; I cause you a lot more trouble when you don't recognize me than when you do. I really get upset with you when you try to push me out, and then I really try to get you to live up to my standards and you're not even aware of it and you don't know what's going on! 11

Me: "Yes, I know you're right and you're welcome here. Especially since you're really trying to change and relax and become more accessible. I like your cooperation.

I began looking around the circle and becoming aware of my brain. Where-was the 11 brain" part of me? Why wasn't anyone here representing the "smart 11 side of me? In a way Old Image was but he's more the playboy type than the studious, brainy type. He's clever and smart, but not scholarly. But no one appeared. Instead I became aware of Fury on my left who seemed to be trying to get my attention but wasn't saying anything. I looked over and said, "Hey the fire's gone out inside you; you look all black inside instead of being lit up red. 11

Fury: "Yes, I'm not nearly as mad as I used to be. I'm a lot calmer now. The fire has gone out. I'm allowing you to be more serene."

A great deal of change took place in this session.

First, Old Image came down from his pedestal, took off some of his 11 role clothes 11 and became more at ease.

Even in his new relaxed form, Old Image was still so

unacceptable to me that I again tried to get rid of him, but again I was stopped--this time by New Image (Gerry) , who seemed to welcome the change in Old Image and wanted to help him.

The confusion between Jerry and Gerry which I started to explain in the footnote seems to indicate that I may be 119 evolving toward a combination of the two: New Image or

Gerry who represents all my positive desirable qualities and "new shadow," Jerry, who embodies negative, unaccept­ able and repressed characteristics but who is becoming much more acceptable as indicated in Session 20. Perti­ nent to this is the fact that I have changed the spelling of my nickname in my conscious life from Gerry which I have used for nearly 40 years to Jerry with a "J," the more masculine form. This change may also be a portent of my growing awareness and acceptance of my shadow, which I have noticed, especially in the time period since this session occurred.

Another change which occurred in this session is the extinction of the fire within Fury signifying a calming down process and a dissipation of anger. This was shown by events which followed to be commensurate with an increasing outward expression of anger on my part. This abatement of inner unconscious forces coincidentally with greater conscious acceptance of them is consistent with the general theme which runs throughout this project: namely that when these unconscious energies are consciously recognized, they become more willing to direct their energies toward support of conscious concerns rather than expending so much of these energies in demanding recogni­ tion. 120

Session 27--Wednesday, February 9, 1977 11 I looked over to my left and saw Jerry and Old Image. Old Image was slouching on the ground, leaning up against his pedestal--no longer sitting on it. He had thrown away his cigarette holder and was no longer smoking. He seemed very much at ease and comfortable. I remarked about the smok­ ing. He said:

Old Image: "Oh yes, I don't need that anymore. I'm much more comfortable this way. I don't really want all that phony stuff anymore. This is the new me. I'm trying it out and so far, I like it. It seems a lot more natural."

Even his British accent had disappeared. His voice was much less affected and more natural. He even slurred a word now and then.

Me: "Hey, I think that's great. Welcome to earth. It's really pretty nice down here. I think you'll like it."

Old Image: "Yes, I think so too and I don't think you need me the way I was anymore."

Me: "That's true--you were useful when I wanted to remain isolated but now that I want to get closer to people, you had become more a liability than an asset. Thanks for changing."

Old Image: "You're very welcome. It's good for me too!"

A vague thought carne then that with all these "negative" parts of me changing into cooperative, willing, helpful sub-personalities, everything seemed to be sweetness and light; no more contro­ v~rsy, no more conflict. I thought of the old Jerry, my Shadow, who had changed quite drasti­ cally into a relaxed "hippie-like" guy (see Session 20), happy-go-lucky and easy going--very

lli am st1'11 us1ng. 0erry- 1nstea. d o f GJerry f or New Imc-ctge. (See Session 2 6. ) 121

much like this new Jerry.l2 Why had I called them both Jerry? I looked over at Hippie (maybe that's a better name for him) and he was lying down resting on his left elbow looking happy with a flower between his teeth, gently chewing on the stern and rolling it between his lips. He didn't say anything--just smiled and waved.

I wondered if he and {new) Jerry were "real"-­ whether the change was real or jus-t an accommodat­ ing disguise. Were the unchanged (Old Image) and Shadow still there? Had I driven them underground? The face of Shadow reappeared for a brief instant, floating in mid-air as it used to do but it seemed to have no substance, no reality, no fear connected with it.

Steinbrecher (1977) corroborates that this type of

change indeed is real and is reflected by corresponding

changes in our conscious life. My experience since this

session also bears this out. I have become much more willing to be aware of and accept my Shadow, even though he may still contain elements which conflict with my self-

image (old or new). When I accept the potentially nega- tive aspects of myself {my Shadow), they seem to lose their

capability to harm or frighten me.

The third change of the metamorphosis type was not as

11 successful" as the first two. This change, or attempted change involves Critic. Critic first appeared in Session

13 as a straight, stiff, 2 x 4 inch wooden post about 6 or

7 feet tall and painted grey. At first he seerne~ to be a male, then went through a period of uncertainty as to sex, and then definitely changed to a female whose

12 The old Jerry rt'~fers to my shadow; the new Jerry to my neu image (see footnotes in Session 26). 122 personality characteristics were similar to my mother's.

In Session 13, almost immediately after his/her

appearance, Critic began experimenting with body shape

trying all variations of long, thin, short, and fat, appar- ently deciding to remain in the 2 x 4, tall shape. In

Session 20, Critic again experimented with a shorter and this time rounder body because it is a softer sha.pe than the straight, stiff one. But in Session 21, Critic has reverted back to her former shape. It seems as though she is trying to accommodate me by becoming softer and symbol-

izing a less critical attitude, but when my attention is diverted elsewhere, she reverts back to her original shape.

She goes through the motions of becoming softer again in

Session 21 when I point out to her that she has reverted back. In Session 26, Critic has again reverted back to her old, familiar, more comfortable (for her), and more critical shape.

In Session 30, Flexibility appears:

He is in a flexible wire frame form, pulsating back and forth, and in and out. I ask him if he will soften up Critic and help her become more flexible. Critic who is still in her 2 x 4 body assumes a more barrel-like shape this time and when she does, Flexibility throws some loops of flexible wire around her body to help her stay in that shape. Critic likes her new looks and the wire looks to her like a decoration. She says that she is pleased as if she intends to remain in that shape, but I don't fully trust her. I expect her to revert back again as she has before.

'This f::equence represents an attempted change which 123 did not succeed, apparently because of my ambivalence about Critic. I do want to become less critical, especially of myself, as symbolized by the changes to softer body shapes, but I do not seem ready to give up my critical attitude completely at this time. This is apparent in the reverting back to the stiffer body after every change.

This would seem to indicate that we cannot consciously make changes that we are not ready for unconsciously. We cannot force, demand, request, cajole or manipulate our inner figures into change which the ego may desire. They seem to reflect what we truly are--not what we would like to be. Jung, Assagioli, and Steinbrecher all corroborate the fact that these inner figures are autonomous to a large degree and often give us indication that they have a will of their own. fhanges Through Increases in Insight

The meditative fantasy sessions of Phase 2 provided several new insights which either were unknown previously, or were apprehended at a deeper affective level as a result of the sessions. These new insights are all related, and lead toward greater acceptance and integration of myself.

As Jung wrote:

What must be regarded as regression in a young person . acquires a different meaning in the second half of life. The assimilation of contra­ sexual tendencies then becomes a task that must be fulfilled in order to keep the libido in a state of progression. The task consists in inte­ grating the unconscious, in bringing together 124

"conscious" and "unconscious." I have called this the individuation process. (1970, p. 301)

The insights listed in Table 6 have emerged as a result of my dialogues with my unconscious "figures."

Table 6

CHANGES IN INSIGHT RESULTING FROM PHASE 2 SESSIONS

Session Number Insight

21 Acceptance and surrender do not mean that the ego must be destroyed, but merely taken out of the 11 driver's seat."

23 Fear tells me I am terrified of my uncontrolled emotionsi therefore I have to control. My ego is afraid of destruction and possession.

25 I cannot get rid of any part of me; I can only accept and assimilate them.

27 I become aware of my concern that my negative parts are disappearing.

30 New Image is willing to wait as long as neces­ sary for Ego to become ready to surrender.

These changes in insight are related to each other and seem to occur in a logical sequence. They are also pri- marily related to the issue of control mentioned at the beginning of this chapter but overlap into the issue of sexuality. As a result of Session 21, I realize that acceptance of and surrender to an inner, higher power does not mean that Ego has to be destroyed or eliminated; "he" must simply be tamed and removed from the position of 125 control. Thus Ego need not be so afraid; he will not be destroyed. In Session 23, "Fear tells me" that I (my ego) am terrified of uncontrolled emotions. That is why Ego always wants to be in control. He is afraid that if he lets go (as in sex, for example) my emotions will become dominant and he (Ego) will be destroyed or possessed. He is deathly afraid of possession by fear, anger, passion, or a need for dependence, all of which can lead to paraly­ sis or total destruction.

In Session 25, I become aware at a more significant level that I cannot eliminate any part of me. An inner voice prevents me. That is apparently the voice of wisdom, the inner voice that knows. It may have been an indirect intervention by Merlin since he does not seem to want to give direct assistance. This voice--or the intelligence behind it--seems to know that attempts to "get rid of" any part of me--even an old and no longer useful image--will lead only to more splitting and destruction. It seems to know, as I now know, that only through acceptance and integration of every part of myself can life and health progress. Life requires integration while death is fol­ lowed or preceded by disintegration.

In Session 27, I experience a concern that I am becoming too good. My Shadow has changed into a very likeable "person" in Session 20, and Old Image has vastly improved in Sessions 25 and 26. What is happening to the 126 negative aspects of these figures? Are they really dis- appearing? If so, where are they going? If I cannot eliminate or destroy any part of me, can they simply vanish or change themselves? The autonomy of these figures pointed out by Jung and Steinbrecher seems to be the key here. If I (or anyone else) try to make them disappear, they seem to resist and come back more strongly, but if the choice is theirs to change into something else, then it seems to become possible.

Another concern was whether the change was real and permanent or only temporary. Would it last? Am I making it all up? To this point, Steinbrecher says:

If an inner "tester" whispers: "You're making it all up," respond with: "Making it all up from whe:r>e?" The images, the feelings, the thoughts that come can only arise from your own psycho­ spiritual system. Continue "making it up," if you think that's what you're doing, and you'll find the results and changes in your outer world astonishing--as if circles of healing light were touching and changing everyone around you, affect­ ing your whole environment. (1977, p. 69)

Steinbrecher also advises checking any doubtful experience with your Guide. He will tell you whether or not to trust the experience. I checked these changes of

Shadow and Old Image with Merlin who appears to be my

Guide. He assures me that the changes are real and will last. All I have to do is accept them and use them as my new basis for being in the world.

Finally, in Session 30, my New Image and Ego appear to have reached an impasse on the issue of surrender which 127 emerged in a previous session.

Ego says defiantly that there are some things he will never give up.

I expected them to come to harsh words or perhaps even blows, but I should have known better.

New Image simply said that he has all the time in the world, and would simply wait for Ego to change his mind for as long as necessary. He is in no hurry.

This quiet assertion by New Image sounds as though he is operating in a different dimension, away from our space- time oriented reality; a dimension where time stretches into eternity. This view of time, although quite contra- dictory to our Western way of thinking, is compatible with the teachings of the East, e.g. Yogananda (1971) and Wood

(1973). It is also compatible with the views of Seth as expressed in Roberts (1970, 1972), of Toben (1975) and of

Bentov (1977). Perhaps it does take an eternity for our egos to surrender, or putting it another way, perhaps when we have finally tamed or transcended our egos, we are in a timeless reality where time as we know it has lost all meaning. Chapter 6 DISCUSSION OF RESULTS

In Chapter 1, primary and secondary research ques­

tions were stated. Resulting from these, several sub­ ordinate resea~ch questions arose. It is the purpose of

this chapter to answer these questions based on the data presented in Chapters 4 and 5 pertaining to both. the

individual case of the author and to a number of cases reported in the literature. To facilitate the reader's task, the research questions stated in Chapter 1 are repeated here.

The primary research question of this project is:

Can the self-guided meditative fantasy increase individual integration toward wholeness by bringing certain contents of the unconscious to consciousness?

A secondary question is: By consciously dealing with material brought up from the unconscious through self­ guided meditative fantasies, can a person change his/her attitudes toward self and environment such that the person's view of and interaction with that environment ameliorates?

Subordinate to the primary and secondary questions, ths following questions arise:

128 129

1. How does the self-guided fantasy material relate

to:

a. Current events in subj~ct's life;

b. Earlier life experiences;

c. Pre-life collective experiences related to

archetypal motifs as they may be expressed through myths

and legends?

2. What are the determinants of the selection of

inner characters which appear, and of their symbolic repre-

sentation in the fantasy?

3. What is the psychic mechanism by which encounter with fantasy characters or sub-personalities produces a change in consciousness?

4. To what extent does structure imposed on conducting the fantasy sessions affect session content and resistance to engaging in fantasy?

PRIMARY QUESTION RELATED TO PREVIOUS WORK OF THERAPISTS/SCIENTISTS

In view of the project results, the primary research question stated in the Introduction and related above requires some modification. The method of self-guided meditative fantasy does help to bring "certain contents of the unconscious to consciousness," but that alone does ·not lead to greater "individual integration toward wholeness."

Rather it seems to be the dialogue with unconscious figures which serves as the acceptance and assimilation vehicle, 130 which in turn leads to increased integration. These figures may be sub-personalities, fairy tale characters, personified or animalized emotions, or personified archetypal energies. Who or whatever they may be, the part of the process crucial to integration appears to be the disindentification of the center of the self, the "I," with these figures or the energy they represent, and the dialogue between them and the "I" on an equal power basis.

Negotiation may or may not be a part of the dialogue, but the face-to--face encounter appears to be the key which unlocks preset concepts, and allows the renewed flow of energy where it has been previously blocked.

Nearly all therapies attempt to make the unconscious conscious as does the meditative fantasy, but relatively few therapies are able to assist the patient or client in the process of assimilation or integration of the newly found material. According to Fine, psychoanalysis depends on "clarification of feelings and interpretations to make the unconscious conscious" (in Corsini, 1973, p. 20), and

"the change process . comes about by making the uncon- scious conscious in the patient" (p. 19). However, further in the same text, Fine asserts that "the working through of the transferences and resistances to treatment becomes the heart of the psychoanalytic approach" (p. 19), but the process of "working through" is left only vaguely defined. 131

As previously noted, Jung himself, when asked what he does about the "encounter with the dark half of the per- sonality . [which] comes about of its own accord in any moderately thorough treatment" (1968b, p. 31), answers that he does nothing: "there is nothing I can do except wait with a certain trust in God, until, out of a conflict borne with patience and fortitude, there emerges the solu- tion destined--although I cannot forsee it--for that par- ticular person" (p. 31) .

However, during the "waiting" Jung maintains that both therapist and patient must work very hard to interpret and understand the contents of the unconscious and to prevent the conscious ego from losing the unconscious vs. conscious conflict, becoming inundated and overwhelmed by the emerg- ing contents.

Assimilation and integration for Jung occur through the gradual emergence into consciousness of an awareness of the center of the self, as symbolized in the mandala

(1968b, pp. 95-223) and "complete surrender, with one's eyes always turned to the centre" (pp. 154, 163).

In relation to this center, Jung continues:

To the best of my experience, we are dealing here with very important "nuclear processes" in the objective psyche--"images of the goal," as it were, which the psychic process, being goal­ directed, apparently sets up of its own accord, without any external stimulus. Externally, of course, there is always a certain condition of psychic need, a sort of hunger. The goal which beckons to this psychic need, the image which it promises to heal, to make whole, is at 132

first strange beyond all measure to the conscious mind, so that it can find entry only with the very greatest difficulty." (1968b, p. 221)

So the role of the therapist, as facilitator of the individuation process, is to interpret for the patient these strange images of the unconscious so that a greater awareness, appreciation, and acceptance will develop within the patient of his/her own process of growth.

We have already seen in Chapter 4 the similarity between the dialogue process of the guided meditative fan~ tasy session and the process which Jung calls active imagination. Such importance does Jung place on active imagination that he likens it to the individuation process.

In his alchemical studies, he describes the production of the caelum, "the celestial substances hidden in man, the secret 'truth,' the 'sum of virtue,' the 'treasure which is not eaten into by moths nor dug out by thieves'" (1963, p. 487), as "a symbolic rite performed in the laboratory"

(p. 494).

He continues:

Psychologically, it was a representation of the individuation process by means of chemical sub­ stances and procedures, or what we today call active imagination. This is a method which is used spontaneously by nature herself or can be taught to the patient by the analyst. As a rule it occurs when the analysis has constellated the opposites so powerfully that a union or syn­ thesis of the personality becomes an imperative necessity. (p. 494)

As quoted in Chapter 4, the active imagination process involves a dialogue with one's inner symbolic figures or 133 representations of archetypal energies as they emerge into consciousness from the unconscious. From this dialogue between opposites--conscious and unconscious, ego and

shadow--a union results which reintegrates projected parts and which ends the conflicts by allowing the opposites to co-exist. This is tantamount to a spiritual awakening or a rebirth onto a new spiritual plane.

Kempler states that in Gestalt Therapy, "the mechanism of psychotherapy is the process of circulating one human being through another" (Corsini, 1973, p. 271). According to him, "the recovery path is . . reintegration through circulation through another" (p. 272).

This process of circulation through another may go a long way toward freeing the client from unconscious blocks to satisfying interpersonal behavior, but it cannot take the place of the work within oneself which must be done fully to come to terms with one's own unconscious energies and thus achieve the necessary integration of these opposite energies.

Perls says "that awareness per se--by and of itself-­ can be curative" (1971, p. 17). He adds that only when we

"stay in the center of our world, ... then we are ambi­ dextrous--then we see the two poles of every event. We see that light cannot exist without non-light. . Right doesn't exist without left" (p. 18).

He continues: 134

If you are centered in yourself, then you don't adjust anymore--then, whatever happens becomes a passing parade and you assimilate, you under­ stand, you are related to whatever happens. (1971, p. 32)

But centering is only a means of perceiving the opposites, of finding the missing, disowned parts--the holes in the personality. Perls continues:

Everything the person disowns can be recovered, and the means of his recovery is understanding, playing, becoming the disowned parts. And by letting him [the client] play and discover that he already has all this (which he thinks only others can give him), we increase his potential. We more and more put him on his own feet, give him more and more power in himself, more and more ability to experience, until he is capable of really being himself and coping with the world. (p. 40)

The process of playing or being the disowned parts is cen- tral to the Gestalt dream work, and is very similar to the dialogue of the self-guided meditative fantasies explored in this project. In fact, speaking of dreamwork, Perls says:

In Gestalt Therapy, we don't interpret dreams .. Instead of analyzing and further cutting up the dream, we want to bring it back to life. Instead of telling the dream as if it were a story in the past, act it out in the present, so that it becomes a part of yourself, so that you are really involved. (1971, p. 73)

So if you want to work on your own, I suggest you write the dream down and make a list of aZZ the details in the dream. Get every person, every thing, every mood, and then work on these to become each one of them. Ham it up, and really transform yourself into each of the different items. Really become that thing--whatever it is in a dream--become it. 135

Next, take each one of these different items, characters, and parts, and let them have encoun­ ters between them. Write a script. By "write a script" I mean have a dialogue between the two opposing parts and you will find . . that they always start out fighting each other. . As the process of encounter goes on, there is a mutual learning until we come to an understand­ ing, and an appreciation of differences, until we come to a oneness and integration of the two opposing forces. Then the civil war is finished, and your energies are ready for your struggles with the world. (1971, p. 74)

Here is exactly the process of integration which takes place in the meditative fantasies. The main difference is that in Gestalt Therapy, the dialogues take place between elements of a dream which occurred in the past and may be only partially remembered, while the meditative fantasy unfolds spontaneously in the present. However, both methods appear to lead to much the same place.

As pointed out in Chapter 2, Desoille (1945) used the guided waking dream extensively in his practice. He took an active part in the process with his patients, often sug- gesting various figures to them, such as an angel, himself, an animal, etc. He also adds directional suggestions such as moving upward, downward, left or right. The upward movement in the fantasy signifies movement toward the spiritual or celestial while downward suggests going into the depths of the unconscious. Up also suggests lightness and happiness while down suggests heaviness, sadness, and depression. For right-handed people, left is associated with inhibition, regression, the past; while right signifies 136 progress, forward momentum toward the future. For left­ handed people, those directions are reversed. In the days when Desoille was writing, the left-right brain functional division was not so well understood. In the light of this division, leftward movement could also signify movement toward the light, the conscious, the logical/sequential; while rightward movement could symbolize movement toward the dark, unconscious, irrational/spontaneous/simultaneous.

The vertical movement, according to Desoille, is extremely important to the directed waking dream (guided fantasy) process. This movement represents the psychic movement of the person from the id, as defined by Freud, to the total self, as defined by Jung (Desoille, 1945, p. 376) ~ It is this process of spontaneous psychic evolu­ tion which is interrupted in the neurotic person or per­ haps merely in the person who does not consciously realize its fundamental importance to life.

The ver~ical movement pernits full exploration of both the personal and collective unconscious and thereby leads the person to find the place where growth from id to self has been stopped. It is important to find this point because this is where the process of growth (vertical move­ ment) must be resumed.

Desoille identifies five categories of images which appear in the directed waking dream process. From bottom

(id) to top (self), these are: 137

1. Mystical infernal (underworld) images;

2. Mythological inferior images (or infra-images);

3. Images of the personal unconscious;

4. Mythological superior images (or supra-images); 13 5. Mystical celestial images. (p. 297)

Only Category 3 represents the personal unconscious, while

all other categories emanate from the collective uncon-

scious.

Desoille maintains that it is the action of the person

toward the fantasy image that brings about the cure through

what he calls the retroactive effect.

The mechanism of the retroactive effect seems to me as follows: in discharging of its affect the image of the waking dream on which the subject is working ([knocking over] the tiger, [disarming] the gunman, ["crossing out"] the monster), one reaches the memory of the traumatic event--if such an event actually occurred--or, if such an event did not occur, the images of one or more situations which provoked emotions insufficiently abreacted in the past, and of which the memory has been repressed. (1945, p. 310)

He continues:

The almost immediate retroactive effect of those contacts with certain images through which the unconscious expresses itself in a symbolic form which often remains remote, explains the ameliora­ tions which can be expected even at the very start of the waking dream sessions. (p. 310)

Describing the process further, he adds:

Not allowing the subject to let himself be fas­ cinated by the images, or sometimes to repress them, we utilize their retroactive effect, to

13Quotations from the French text are translated by the thesis author. 138

discharge the old images left in the unconscious as memories of actually lived situations, or sim­ ply as traces of fantasies attached to complexes such as that of Oedipus. (p. 312)

According to Desoille, it is this process of facing these images and taking constructive action in relation to them in the fantasy so as to "learn ... to dominate them, which is a veritable process of assimilation" (1945, p. 312).

It may seem strange that confrontation, dialogue and/ or negotiation with fantasy images actually brings about a release of blocked emotions which allows the growth process to resume; but when we consider that the unconscious memories are in the form of images, or of energies invested in certain images, symbols or figures, then it seems more plausible that working with these images in fantasy form and treating them as real, will bring about a positive result in normal waking reality.

As discussed in Chapter 5, this has been the case in my self-guided fantasies where I worked with Ego, Old

Image, Shadow, Fury, Fear, and others. In each case, they became less demanding and less threatening, thereby allow- ing me use of the energy previously used to keep them repressed, for positive growth in my life.

Assagioli's (1965) views are quite consistent with those of Desoille. As previously mentioned, he speaks of disidentifying with our unconscious images and creating a

"psychological distance between ourselves and them," (p. 23) 139 thus putting ourselves in a better position to apprehend

them and to deal with them 1 rather than being controlled by them. One of the methods he suggests for doing this is called Initiated Symbol Projection or ISP, which he claims

is similar to Jung's active imagination and Desoille's waking dream technique. It is also based on the work of

Schultz, Happich, and Leuner (Assagioli, 1965, pp. 290,

293). In ISP, the subject is asked, after suitably relax-

ing his body and breathing slowly and deeply 1 "to visualize

a standard series of 12 symbol motives 1 presented verbally by the psychologist" (p. 293).

Such visualizations have a distinct "life of their own" which, although never completely beyond con­ scious control, is determined largely subjectively and unconsciously. This type of visualization has been called autochthonous, that is, largely inde­

pendent of conscious control. (Assagioli 1 1965, p. 2 93)

Some of the standard visualizations are imagining yourself in a meadow, climbing a mountain, following the course of a stream, or waiting for a figure to emerge from a cave (pp. 295-298). According to Assagioli, ISP has both diagnostic and therapeutic usefulness. Its therapeutic value is based on the fact that it is a symbolic technique.

Assagioli states:

Clinical experience has demonstrated that the source of most psychological maladjustments lies (in "psychological space") on an infantile or primitive, and largely pre-conscious level. On that level, thinking appears to take place largely in a "symbolic language" and thus unre­ solved conflicts of childhood are best and most easily expressed and treated in largely symbolic 140

terms. (1965, p. 292)

Finally, Steinbrecher (1977) says:

Give the archetypal forms in your inner world the same "reality" you would grant . . individuals in your outer world, and you'll find the changes in your life both rapid and positive.

The "side effects" of the Guide Meditation are what amaze the ego the most. Psychic ability may suddenly flower \vi thout your having worked spe­ cifically on the development of that particular talent. Outer world perceptions become acute, and the world literally becomes new. The creation energy wells up from within, and a knowledge of a Oneness with all becomes a fact of the being. Opposites begin to be perceived as poles of a single unityr and the dance of the_archetypal energies becomes a dance in which you are a joy­ ful participant. You find that inner temple within you which has always existed to contain and trigger your own personal God experience. And you find yourself seeing the beauty and good­ ness of all the worlds. (pp. 58-59)

He adds:

Since its discovery in 1969, thousands of people from all walks of life have been initiated . into the Guide Neditation. :No "bad trips" have been reported. The more you work with one specific archetype in the inner world, the more you will find yourself becoming free and having expanded choice in that area of life which that force governs in your pattern. (pp. 40-41)

PRIMARY QUESTION IN THE LIGHT OF PERSONAL EXPERIENCES

I have experienced feelings such as Steinbrecher describes as a result of meditative fantasy sessions with my inner figures. These sessions have initiated numerous beneficial changes in my life, not the least of which has been coming to grips with my sexuality, realizing the extent to which I have suppressed it for so long, and 141 taking positive therapeutic steps which have completely transformed the situation and resolved the problem.

Related to this change and equally important has been my ability to sufficiently free myself from my former attach­ ment to my mother (Barbara) and to end a difficult and rather stormy marriage to Susan. These two major changes have led to a third extremely rewarding and fulfilling change. Exactly 10 months after the fantasy figure of

Marlene first appeared in Session 14, I met and began a relationship with a woman who is almost identical with

Marlene physically and emotionally. Furthermore, we are on similar and parallel spiritual paths. We are both growing as our relationship expands and deepens. The experience of the past year has been so beautiful that it is difficult to describe adequately; and it is continuously acquiring new meaning. I am feeling more whole, more integrated, more free, more loving, and more loved than at any previous time in my life.

Based on my personal experience, as well as the experience of the cited writer/therapists and their client/ patients, the answer to the primary question of this thesis indeed appears to be affirmative. The self-guided medita­ tive fantasy does increase individual integration toward wholeness. 142

SECONDARY QUESTION

The secondary question asks whether by consciously dealing with the material brought up from the unconscious through self-guided meditative fantasies, an individual can change his/her attitude toward self and environment.

The answer to this question also seems to be affirmative.

It also seems that the changes brought about through this process are an amelioration, a resumption of arrested growth which occurs by freeing archetypal energy blocked in the conflicts of the past and making it available to deal with life in the present. The mechanism for this in the words of Steinbrecher (1977), is "The interaction itself, just the fact of being with or touching one of the arche­ typal forms, [which] tends to start the assimilation of its energy by the ego so that this form's negative projection ability is lessened" (p. 41).

In the words of Jung, it is "coming to terms with the

Other in us" (1963, p. 496) through internal dialogue with the fantasy-images thrown up before us by our unconscious, and by becoming aware of the deeply buried negations, con­ tradictions, and compensations within the "dark corners of the psyche" (p. 496) that progress is made.

In the words of Perls, it is "a dialogue between the opposing parts" of oneself which brings about a "mutual learning" resulting in "an understanding, an appreciation of differences, a oneness, and integration of the .. 143 opposing forces" (1971, p. 74).

Desoille calls the curative factor the "action of the person toward the fantasy image," (1945, p. 310) and

Assagioli calls it ''disidentification" or "keeping these images at arm's length" (1965, p. 23).

To summarize, what these writers are saying is that an encounter with our unconscious archetypal energies, in whatever symbolic form they may present themselves, brought about by means of guided or self-guided fantasies or directed waking dreams will have a beneficial effect on a person by permitting the release of energy bound up in unconscious conflicts for useful, growth-oriented activity.

This release or withdrawal of projected energy as Stein­ brecher has been quoted above, brings about the ameliora­ tion of the environment. This in more detailed form, is the answer to the secondary question of this thesis.

SUBORDINATE QUESTIONS

The four subordinate research questions arising from the primary and secondary questions will now be addressed.

1. How does the self-guided fantasy material relate to:

a. Current events in subject's life;

b. Earlier life experiences;

c. Pre-life collective experiences related to archetypal motifs as they may be expressed through myths and legends? 144

It is clear from both my personal experience and the liter­ ature that the fantasies in self-guided sessions relate to all three factors above. It is difficult to sort out in detail, however, the extent to which each of the factors is involved or how they interrelate. Nor is it clear that it would be of any value to sort out these factors in detail. According to Watkins (1976), the value of our relationship with the unconscious, the imaginal,is not to be gained by analyzing it, dissecting it, or sequentializ­ ing it, but rather by accepting it in its totality and apprehending it in all its simultaneity. This apprehending is generally felt or experienced rather than thought through logically or sequentially.

Freud (1938) tells us that dreams and fantasies are wish-fulfillments or attempts at resolving unconscious conflicts. He adds that dream and fantasy material is primarily drawn from the subject's early life or from his very recent life, e.g., events of a moment ago, last night, or yesterday.

Jung, throughout his work (1960, 1966, 1969, 1970) emphasizes the archetypal energies at work in dreams and fantasies. He claims that the symbols used to represent these energies may be drawn from the subject's early life, but that it is much more likely that these symbols have been instilled in the psyche as it has evolved through all the developmental stages, from the dawn of life. Jung 145 asserts that dreams are interrelated and that a series of dreams or fantasies represents a parallel of the develop­ mental process in the person's life. The series of dreams or fantasies has a message for the conscious ego, which will be repeated until heeded.

Perls (1971) also believes that dreams and fantasies have messages for the ego and further that the messages of dreams can be discovered by indulging in fantasies in which one assumes the role of each part, person, or thing in the dream, and carries on dialogues between oneself (ego) and each "part" or betvveen the parts themselves.

Steinbrecher agrees with Jung and Perls, and adds that archetypal energies can present themselves in a wide variety of symbolic forms. These may be the Tarot card major arcana which he uses as an example in his book (1977),

Zodiacal figures or animals, fairy-tale characters, or comic book characters. Since the unconscious accepts no

"logical" grouping or system in the conscious sense, the symbols representing the unconscious energies may, of course, be a combination of all the above. They may also be mythical characters, people, animals, or objects, as proved to be the case in my meditative fantasy sessions.

In Session 6, I became aware that I am a mixture of animals, objects, and people (or partial people called sub-personalities). The 29 entities which appeared in all my meditative sessions are listed in Tables 7 and 8. Table 7

CATEGORIZATION OF INNER ENTITIES BY FUNCTION

Fairytale/Hythical Sub-Personalities Emotions Archetypes Characters

l. Merlin (ll)a 17. Fury (anger) (3) a (Merlin) ,b Wise Old Man (Her lin) 2. Grizzly (2) a 18. Fear (8) a 23. Barbara (9), Great Hother (Grizzly) 3. Melinda (3)a 19. Love (5) 24. Jerry ( 8) , Shadow (Melinda) 4. Cubby (2) a 20. Guilt ( 3) (Harlene) , Anima (Cubby) 5. Ego (10) a 21. Shame (3) (Old and New Image), Persona (Knight in Armor) 6. Critic (10) 22. Vengeful (1) , 25. God (3) 7. Sexy/Max ( 8) (hate) 8. Lusty (5) 9. Marlene (6) 10. Procrastinator/ Wimpy/Sad Sack Persons from Present and Past Life Attributes (1) 11. Old Image (5) (Barbara) 28. Flexibility (l) 12. New Image/Jerry 26. Susan (8) 29. Acceptance (1) a (4) 27. Gerard (l) 13. Knight in Shining 1'<-.rmor (O) a 14. Achiever (O)a 15. Left Brain (1) 16. Right Brain (1)

Note. (3) Number in parentheses after entity name indicates frequency of appearance during all sessions of Phases l and 2. A zero (0) in parentheses indicates appearance only in Phase 0. aAppeared in Phase 0. bParentheses around entity name signify that the entity is also in one or more other categories.

I-' .t>. 0"1 Table 8

CATEGORIZATION OF INNER ENTITIES BY FOill1

Fantasy Actual Pure Animals Object/Organs Ghost Persons Persons Energy

Hax Barbara Grizzly - Bear Ego - Steel Box Love (Fear) Marlene Susan Melinda - Bear Critic - Wooden Post God New Image Gerard Cubby - Bear (Lusty)a - Stringy Mashed Achiever Fury - Gorilla Potatoes Vengeful Lusty - Non-descript, Fear - Filmy Form Jerry/Shadow bear-like Guilt - Barrel Shame - Plank Flexibility -Wire Frame Acceptance - Egg Chair Left Brain Right Brain

Fairytale/Mythical Historical Character Comic Book Character Movie Actor Character

Merlin (Vengeful - Hitler) Procrastinator/Wimpy/ Old Image Knight Sad Sack (Barbara)

aParentheses around name signifies that entity also appears in another category.

f-' .;:::. ---.1 148

Table 7 contains a grouping by function while in Table 8,

entities are grouped according to form. The tables show

how difficult it is to group or categorize these entities.

Several of the categories overlap as shown by the names in parentheses. Also two of the categories, Fairytale/

Mythical Characters and Actual Persons appear in both tables as they both represent form and function. The grouping by form in Table 8 appears to be slightly more distinct than grouping by function since in Table 8 only four entities fit in more than one category, while Table 7 contains nine such overlaps.

In summary, the symbols used by the unconscious are rich and varied, and they appear to be chosen to best represent the energy involved. Since the process of association of the unconscious is still very poorly under­ stood by the conscious, it is difficult to say how this selection of symbols actually occurs. It is clear, how­ ever, that the selection serves the purpose of the uncon­ scious and often appears strange, frightening, or amusing to the ego. Until the ego learns to respect the symbols of the unconscious and to work with them whether it under­ stands them or not, no reconciliation of opposites can take place. Only when the ego approaches the unconscious with an attitude of humility and willingness to learn can this energy of the unconscious symbols be used beneficially.

2. What are the determinants of the selection of inner 149

characters which appear, and of their symbolic representa­

tion in the fantasy?

We have just stated above that the determinants of the selection process are not known, but we can speculate about them. It appears that the characters are determined by whatever conflict exerts the most pressure at a particular time and by the ego's readiness to participate in the solu­ tion of the conflict. Whereas Freud sees the contents of dreams and fantasies originating primarily from the per­ sonal unconscious, Jung interprets dream and fantasy symbology as being rooted in the collective unconscious

more or less connected with the psyche's universal experi­ ence of development from primordial times. Undoubtedly, fantasy symbols have both personal and cosmic significance.

In my case, for example, Merlin has a much greater cosmic

significance than he does a personal one. No one in my

personal history did I consider as having the deep wisdom

that Merlin has. Neither did I ever have contact with any­

one who exudes the unconditional, uncritical love and warmth that Merlin has for me. I never experienced such an outpouring of positive emotion from either or my parents or

from any other person in my life. Yet I recall sensing a

longing for the love, caring, and unconditional acceptance which I feel from Merlin, and I recall at times an experi­ ence of sadness and emptiness at not being able to experi­ ence these feelings from and with another.

This view of Merlin would seem to support Freud's 150

contention that he is the product of a long-term unsatis­

fied longing, the fulfillment of a long existing wish. But

Merlin is also more than this. He is not only loving,

accepting, and supporting, he is also, in Jung's terms, the

archetype of the Wise Old Man which is closely related to

the archetype of the father, both of which are linked to

the father of the archetypes which is God. Merlin and

Barbara together are symbolic representatives of the divine

pair, the syzygy. In mythical terms, they are also king

and queen and occupy a central place in the fantasy circle

(see Figure 1), immediately opposite me.

In Steinbrecher's view, Merlin is my Guide. He does not actively participate to a great extent in the dialogue,

but he is always there. His smiling, beneficent, sustain­

ing, encouraging presence is always felt. He presides over the interactions and guards against danger. He protects the ego from potential harm through contact with uncon­

scious forces which might be overwhelming. He gives his approval and support to an interaction or it does not take place.

Desoille (1945) sees the choice of symbols in a fantasy closely related to directional movement. Upward movement will cause angels or birds to appear with sensa­ tions of floating on clouds or climbing an endless stair­ case, as well as feelings of airiness and lightness. While a suggestion of downward movement will have the opposite 151

effect. Again, movement to the left (for right-handed

people) will evoke symbols from the past, either recent or

long-term to emerge, while movement to the right will give

rise to symbols which portend the future, such as the

phoenix for example.

Undoubtedly, all of these determinants are active in

the character and symbol selection process. They may be

simultaneously or alternatively active. At times some may

be stronger than others, but the unconscious symbology is

so varied and diverse, and the unconscious itself so

unrestricted and unamenable to categorization, that no one

specific determinant or set of determinants would be suf­

ficient to explain its products. It is more likely that

those mentioned here constitute only a partial list than

it is that we have to choose which among them are the true determinants. It is clear that the unconscious is to a great extent autonomous, that it will not be fettered, controlled, or directed, and that it is extremely difficult to analyze and to understand. It seems that rather than to be understood, the unconscious wants to participate, to be accepted and included as an equal partner in the human experience.

3. What is the psychic mechanism by which encounter with fantasy characters or sub-personalities produces a change in consciousness?

This question has already been answered at the beginning 152

of this chapter. However, in summary, what has been said

in the section on the Primary Question is briefly reviewed

here.

To Freud, the curative or change mechanism was the

abreaction or re-living through early life situations in which emotions were blocked so as to permit the release of

these emotions. But much of psychoanalysis is carried on

at an intellectual and interpretive level which often does not help the client to re-live through experiences on an

emotional level. It merely helps the person understand where the problems came from. This leaves the person with an intellectual understanding and emotions that are still blocked in the conflicts of the past.

Jung suggests that a conversation with our inner

selves or parts of ourselves is a curative factor, but does not really explain how the process of change comes about. Perls's answer is similar to Jung's except that

Gestalt Therapy uses deliberate frustration of the client to bring the person to the point of wanting to work on problems. Desoille calls the curative mechanism the retro­ active effect and explains that he means by this the effect of a currently evoked symbol to release energy bound up in the unconscious in the past.

Steinbrecher relates the process of change for the better to the removal of projected energy from external persons or objects and the re-assimilation of this projected 153 energy by the client. He claims that a person•s projection onto another causes the person upon whom the energy is pro­ jected to seem to behave toward the projector in a way com­ mensurate with the latter•s expectations. In other words, if I have an unresolved fear of authority, and rather than resolve it inside myself, I project it onto you, you will sense my fear unconsciously and act toward me in a more authoritarian way than you might with others. According to Steinbrecher, if I resolve my fear by facing and having a dialogue with the part of myself that represents the fear-inducing authority, I will remove the projection of my fear from you and you will act toward me less like a fear-inducing authority. I will also perceive your actions as being less authority-oriented, less controlling.

Even if you behave toward me in an authoritarian manner, I will no longer be afraid.

My view after having performed the meditative fan­ tasies described in this project and having experienced their result is that Steinbrecher is correct. Hy experi­ ence coincided exactly with his predictions--and this was without my being acquainted with his work prior to my sessions. I found that the mere recognition of an inner energy which I have repressed, projected, or in some way disowned relieves the internal pressure that entity exerted on me for recognition. Every part of me that appeared symbolically wanted recognition and acceptance. A number 154 of them agreed to be less controlling and less pain­ inflicting if I would recognize them, accept them, and work with them instead of against them.

A number of my inner entities made me rather fearful when they first appeared; for example, Fury, Shadow, and

Vengeful. But by not rejecting them, staying with them in spite of the fear, and engaging them in an inner dialogue,

I found without fail that they all became less threatening, more friendly and eventually, in a very short time, like­ able and eager to cooperate. Some, such as Shadow and Old

Image, were so eager for acceptance that they changed them­ selves into much more acceptable forms (to them and to me).

On a larger scale, several inner entities who appeared were related to my sexuality problem. These were Max,

Marlene, Lusty, Critic, Guilt, Shame, Barbara, Susan, and less directly Merlin and Vengeful. Working through the emotional problems with my inner entities released enough energy to permit me later on to work through the problem in my external life. This process involved freeing myself from Barbara (mother) in fantasy, recognizing my repression of Lusty and giving him permission to engage in free sexual activity. It also involved fully recognizing my transference of Barbara to Susan (my wife) who had played the part of the sexually inhibited woman to perfection, at least partially in response to my projection of sexually inhibiting energy. These changes came about through the 155

fantasy sessions and in turn led to changes in my life from

a sexually inhibited and frustrated "boy" to a fully func­

tioning active man. It has been a thoroughly enjoyable,

thoughat times difficult, transition.

I still cannot surely say what the actual mechanism

is that causes the external environment to change as a

result of working with one's own internal entities; perhaps

Steinbrecher's explanation is sufficient. If true, as it certainly is in my case, Steinbrecher's work as well as mine and that of others on the same track has far-reaching

implications in terms of our definitions of internal/ external, fantasy and reality, self and other, as well as the apprehension and application of psychic energy.

4. To what extent does structure imposed on conducting the fantasy sessions affect session content and resistance to engaging in fantasy?

The increase in resistance I experienced from Phase l to Phase 2 is quite evident and can only be attributed to the increased degree of structure and to the considerably heavier workload. No resistance occurred during Phase l which was conducted at a fairly leisurely pace--one session approximately every 6 days on the average. But midway into Phase 2, at the start of Session 24, I began to experience blocking of material which had taken place in the previous session. Since Phase 2 sessions were more productive and were being conducted at an average interval 156

of 3~ days as opposed to nearly 6 days for Phase 1, the

amount of material I was asking myself to deal with was

more than doubled. In addition, I believe my unconscious

was expressing resentment at being "told"when to have a

session, whether it was ready or not. I tried to deal

with the resentment by realizing that it was there, acknow­

ledging it, considering giving in to it by going off the

rigid schedule, and finally placing a higher priority on

project consistency and discipline. I decided to continue

the sessions as I had started them for another month, or

until it was no longer possible without serious interfer­

ence from the resentment.

At the end of Session 24, I blocked again and I

believe the fact that I waited 24 hours to record it,

thereby forgetting the end of the session, was a sign of

further resistance. It is possible, if not probable, that

my resistance was generated by the sexual content of the

sessions. My unconscious seemed to be telling me to look

at our sex problem, but I was resisting it.

More blocking occurred at the start of Session 26, but

I did not let it upset me as it had previously. I decided

to continue in spite of the block, and after a while, it

disappeared. I had difficulty starting Session 27, being

distracted by a variety of thoughts which kept running

through my head. I asked the group to do an exercise in which we all joined hands and yelled "Hip, hip, hooray!" 157 three times. That seemed to dissolve the resistance.

Again in Session 30, I was aware that a new character had emerged in the previous session, but could not remember that it was Flexibility. As I waited, the memory slowly came back. These all seem to be examples of something inside me wanting to stop or at least slow down the pro­ cess. But I gently resisted the resistance and continued with the same schedule till the end of the project.

Although the pace and the structure both seemed to have an effect on my desire to continue doing the fantasies, they do not seem to have affected session content at all.

Looking through the series of sessions, no abrupt or even subtle change in content seems to be detectable at the times the resistance occurred. Rather, the effect seems to have been in the nature of short, temporary lapses of memory and some initial feeling of frustration. However,

I doubt very much that I could have continued at the same pace much beyond the end of the Phase 2 time period. Know­ ing that the end was in sight made it possible for me to continue to the end. Chapter 7 SUMMARY AND CONCLUSIONS

PROJECT SUMMARY

This project started in an open-ended, heuristic fashion with no particular goal in mind other than to engage in self-guided meditative fantasy sessions to see what could result from them. Thirty-two sessions were held and a log was kept of the apparitions, interactions, events, and feelings evoked during each session.

Following the sessions and their recording, the literature search uncovered several instances of guided fantasies or directed waking dreams used in psychotherapy, but no reports of self-guided fantasies using oneself as a subject. The surveyed writers all agreed that the guided fantasy is a useful tool to bring about the retrac­ tion of energy projected onto external objects and persons, the reassimilation of that energy within the subject, and the rechanneling of the energy toward growth-oriented pursuits. This reassimilation of energy or re-owning of disowned parts brings about the integration of the person­ ality which leads toward greater wholeness.

My experience with my own guided fantasies has borne this out. The unfolding of unconscious images, their

158 159

autonomy, their willingness to interact, negotiate, and

cooperate has been amazing and exciting. By recognizing

and experiencing myself as a composite of multimorphous

and multifunctional energies, I have gained a stronger

sense of my own identity as well as an awareness of my

similarities to and differences from others. The process

has given rise within me to the feeling that I encompass

both extremes of each pair of _opposites. I am not good

like New Image or bad like Shadow; I am both good and bad.

I am not male or female; I am both male (Max) and female

(Marlene). Similarly, I am kind (Merlin) and cruel (Venge­

ful); I am critical and controlling (Critic), and accept-

ing (Acceptance); I am rigid (Ego) and flexible (Flexibil­

ity); I am tenderly sexual (Max) and lustful (Lusty).

Even more amazing has been the effect of my self­ guided fantasies on my external environment. As predicted

by Steinbrecher, a great deal of change has taken place.

By freeing the energy I utilized in keeping my sexuality repressed, I became able to take therapeutic steps to remedy the problem. Through my interaction with the archetype of the Great Mother as symbolized by Barbara who also represents my personal mother, I was able to free myself from the bond to Barbara which had existed for so many years to the point where I could effect a separation and eventually divorce from my wife. This was done only after great efforts to continue our marriage came to 160

naught. Finally, through recognition, acceptance, and love

for Marlene (my anima), I have started a new and beautiful

relationship with a woman who closely resembles Marlene.

These are the major changes which have taken place in my life. I attribute these changes directly to the use of

self-guided meditative fantasies as described in Chapters

4 and 5. In addition to these, a series of minor changes

both within me and my environment have also occurred.

These are briefly summarized in the conclusions below.

CONCLUSIONS

This project has led to several conclusions regarding the self-guided meditative fantasy. Some of these have been mentioned and discussed in the text of Chapters 5 and 6. They are briefly summarized here.

General Conclusions

1. The self-guided meditative fantasy can and has increased individual integration toward wholeness.

2. By consciously dealing with unconsciously trapped energy as represented by fantasy figures, characters, or entities which may be in human or animal form or in the form of objects, a person can change attitudes toward self and thereby ameliorate his/her environment.

3. The Fantasy contents relate to current events in the subject's life which may be causing problems, events in the subject's past life which may have resulted in 161

energy blockage and growth stoppage, and forces in the

collective unconscious which may be called archetypes and

which are related to the current problems and unresolved

existential conflicts. In the unconscious, which is not

segregated or subdivided, these various energies appear to

be closely "in touch" with each other, and all combine to

contribute to the formulation of a specific symbol.

4. The mechanism which causes a change in conscious­

ness of the subject and a corresponding change in the sub­

ject's environment appears to be the recognition of the

unconscious forces as represented by the various symbols,

dialogic interaction with these symbols, and eventually

acceptance of their energy within the conscious self, or

recall of their energy which had been projected externally.

Personal Conclusions

The self-guided meditative fantasies conducted during

this project appear to have led to the major change in my

life described in the Summary above. In addition, the work done in the sessions has led to the following increases

in personal awareness which have been coincident with a

commensurate increase in my sense of freedom to act and to

be.

1. Love, anger, and fear can coexist within me; opposite emotions can and do coexist within me.

2. When a fear-inducing entity emerges from the uncon­

scious, interaction with it decreases the fear; running 162 away from it or avoiding it increases its demands for recognition and acceptance and therefore increases the fear.

3. Lust can be a beautiful expression of my "animal­ ness.'' Sexuality, including lust, is beautiful, enjoyable, and delightful--with the right partner.

4. Though I have made some improvements through these sessions, I am still too critical of myself and need to do more work in the area of loosening up.

5. Fear of possession and surrender to evil does not occur when I am conscious of its potentiality and accepting of it.

6. Fear of possession stems from the desire to possess.

When I let go of this desire, the fear vanishes.

7. I need not be fettered by outmoded, destructive, or restrictive beliefs of the past. I can work with my inner entities associated with these beliefs and modify them to free myself from them. My inner entities will provide help and support in doing this.

8. My ego need not be destroyed to achieve serenity.

I merely need to train myself to listen for and follow inner guidance as opposed to ego guidance.

9. I can be vengeful, hurtful, and cruel as well as loving, caring, and kind.

10. I have discovered a tool, as others have, which has infinite possibilities for personal change, growth, and lG 3

integration. This tool is not costly (no therapist need

be involved). It does not require disclosure to another

person, although such disclosure is undoubtedly helpful.

It can be used by anyone with a little imagination and very little training. Those who have difficulty fantasiz­

ing initially have been known to train themselves with very

little effort. Done properly, with one's inner Guide, the meditative fantasy tool appears to be danger-free. REFERENCE NOTES

1. Oyle, Irving, D. 0. The healing mind. Paper presented at the workshop on Exploring New Frontiers in Healing, University of California, Santa Barbara, California, March 6 and 7, 1976.

2. Welwood, John, Ph.D. Science and self-knowledge: The paradoxes and challenges of moderE_F_~ychology. Paper presented at the workshop on Conscious and Cosmos, University of California, Santa Barbara, California, August 11-13, 1978.

3. Joy, Brugh, M.D. In the beginning. Paper presented at The Awakening--The Wonder of It workshop, Immaculate Heart College, Hollywood, California, January 28 and 29, 1978.

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