The Broken Wreckord 2003 THE ONLY PINGRY PAPER WITH THE GUTS TO TELL IT LIKE IT REALLY IS!

MARTINSVILLE? BERNARDS TOWNSHIP? WHERE THE HELL ARE WE?, NJ MAY 2003 DELBARTON ADMITS GIRLS Mass Exodus of Females From Pingry

BY SUSANNAH BRAGG (V) get in line, Delby boys are re- Susannah Bragg (V) perimeter of the Delbarton The Headmaster of Del- ally fine.” Other cheers in- mob, warning girls that he will barton School, a traditionally cluded “I love the ‘Green soon stop accepting applicants all-boys private school lo- Wave,’ makes me want to mis- for his prom date. There is cated in Morristown, NJ, an- behave” and “Delbarton is the little luck to be had, however. nounced yesterday that he had place for me, Let’s all join in Even Eric Bergh (VI) struck finally decided to allow girls jubilee!” out recently with his seem- to attend the school. No small number of fights ingly foolproof rendition of On hearing the news, every have broken out between stu- “Brown-Eyed Girl”: two Bal- single member of the female dents from Pingry and local ladeers were overheard telling sex rushed out of Pingry’s all-girls school Kent Place. him to “get some new songs. Martinsville campus to “You’re ugly,” shouted one And our eyes are hazel, by the hightail it to Delbarton. A Kent Place student to a Pingry way.” large mass of women subse- girl. The Pingry-ite then re- Now that some of the con- quently formed around the plied, “You look like a man,” fusion has died down, how- Delbarton building, as teenage to which the Kent Place girl ever, a substantial number of girls from all over the state retorted, “I don’t like you.” Pingry girls have decided to gathered to chant: “Hey, girls, Hair-grabbing inevitably fol- return. “I camped outside for Susannah Bragg (V) lowed. three nights,” relates a sopho- Delbarton more, “and all I got was a males are fright- They’re off to get themselves some decent boyfriends! bloody nose from a fiery little ened, to say the girls should “have no fear” for calls itself Operation Run Meanwhile, a coalition of Pingry Middle Schooler who least. Unable to there is “plenty to go around.” Freedom Run, plans to “send Pingry boys have embarked mistook me for an Oak Knoll leave their school Other boys have taken out a couple of our guys to dis- on a crusade to get their girls girl.” A freshman girl even without being more precautionary measures, tract the girls with their hot- back. John Porges (VI), in a states that she doesn’t “see mobbed, many of such as locking up windows ness, so that the rest of us can sacrifice for the good of the what all the fuss over the boys are at- and hiding in bathrooms. An make a break for it. We rec- school, has taken to wearing Delbarton is about. Pingry tending religious underground movement for an ognize that we’ll have to leave lederhosen all day long and guys are just too darn hot.” services to pray for escape route has also been a few men behind for the di- serenading passers-by with “Our boys may be dysfunc- peace. The student showing grassroots strength. version to be successful, but his rendition of “The Lonely tional,” says one senior, “but body president One of the renegades leaked that’s a price we’re willing to Goatherd.” Amit Kumar (V) when it comes down to it, I She’ll bite for her man! made a brief statement that the that the movement, which pay.” has been walking around the just can’t help myself.” ‘Joe Millionaire’ Plotline Adopted Assembly Speaker Clearly BY AARON SUSSMAN (VI) that is severely lacking in re- At a recent assembly, Mr. sources, then how do we af- Having Nervous Breakdown Neiswender made a startling ford to drive those SUV’s in announcement that The Pingry the parking lot?” Mr. BY AARON SUSSMAN (VI) I came by sea turtle. Sometimes Instead of talking School, a “private high Neiswender responded with a This past Friday, Dr. Ed my hem comes loose. Who here about what he school” in Martinsville, New chuckle, “Why, those vehicles Tomlinson, chair of the Politi- has heard of NAFTA? How supposed to, Ed Jersey, is in fact just part of a run on the crushed hopes of cal Science Department at the about the WTO? How about the Tomlinson reality series. In actuality, our schoolchildren.” University of Pennsylvania, FTAA? Smirk at my marmots. babbled about school is a struggling public Along with this major delivered his lecture at assem- How about FIFA? How about Rosie the Robot school desperately in need of news, it was also revealed that bly while clearly in the midst WWF? That stands for World and toe socks. funds. Mr. Rohdie is really a 5 foot of a nervous breakdown. Wildlife Wrestling Federation. Since being lied to, students tall Korean woman, that Jed is What was supposed to be Panda Crunch!” found it difficult to maintain actually running both the an oration about the effects of Dr. Tomlinson then spent th their love for Pingry, espe- school and the 7 Congres- global, neo-liberal, free-trade nine minutes performing the cially after realizing that it is sional District, and that the policies in Latin America “Panda Crunch” on what in fact a dilapidated shack split Broken Wreckord is in fact a turned into a semi-coherent seemed to be an invisible op- into two rooms for “readin” humor newspaper. rant about topics such as the ponent. and “ritin.” Students express- invasion of Panama, “In conclusion,” screamed ing dissatisfaction towards scrambled cable, Diem, socks Dr. Tomlinson, “a global com- this revelation were criticized with the individual toes, Rosie munity must be willing to co- by some as being “shallow,” (“that damn robot from the operate and remove all barriers, despite the fact that five are al- Jetsons who thought she was like the barriers that arise when ready dead from falling pipes, so stinkin smart”), Pete Rose, a father throws his son out of exploding copiers, and expo- and an inexplicable condem- the house because the son bor- sure to a potent asbestos/pes- nation of bird feeders. rowed the car and crashed into ticide/ricin combination that Dr. Tomlinson, a 50-year- proximately seven minutes ture today, and only my sec- a telephone pole when some was used to clean the chalk old man with no hair, ap- dabbing his forehead with his ond as myself. For my first jerk cut him off so it wasn’t boards. proached the podium appear- necktie, Dr. Tomlinson began lecture I was Henry Louis even his fault. Let’s paint cab- One incredulous student ing very pale and sweating his presentation: “Good Gates Jr. I just arrived in bages.” asked Mr. Neiswender, “If we profusely. After spending ap- evening. This is my third lec- Martinsville, NJ, an hour ago. are a struggling public school Adam Rohdie. NO MORE CLOTHES • JED V. GEESE • & MORE 2 THE BROKEN WRECKORD • MAY 2003 E D I T O R I A L S Sound the We Have Guts! Last year’s Broken Wreckord was the first in nearly a decade, and its return seemed to be generally well-received. However, a lot of you completely missed the point of it. I realized the problem when a bunch of middle schoolers approached me early Victory Bell this year. I was conducting interviews for Kids in the Hall when two little guys asked me, “Are you the kid who made that Broken Wreckord?” When I said yes, they added, “It was really funny.” Those of you who are now reading this paper and hopefully chortling to your- FUNNY!? I haven’t been so offended since Peking changed its name to Beijing. selves cannot begin to imagine the tears, sweat, brawls, and power struggles that Susannah and I put so much work into that paper, and you boneheads think it’s went into making this issue. Old orders were torn down, dictators attempted to funny? seize power, heroes were born…. It didn’t take me long to realize that this problem wasn’t confined to the pre- Well, basically we couldn’t get people to write. When one of our editors po- pubescent idiots who cut the lunch line and sit in the nose-bleed section of the litely questioned a writer about the whereabouts of her article, she burst into tears auditorium. It seems that the entire school confused this for some kind of “hu- and has since avoided looking any of us in the eye in the hallway. Another writer morous” or “satirical” publication. How could you be so freaking stupid? assured us, “Oh, sure, I wrote it weeks ago. It’s really good, too. Like money.” He Here’s a newsflash: our articles are not funny, but entirely real and non-fic- then went to go “fetch it out of his locker” and proceeded to be absent for the rest tional. We employ only the most honorable student journalists, and your deplor- of the week. able, selfish laughter insults their hard work. One freshman thought we were asking him to write for the Record instead of Just look at the articles in our paper that were really true. For example, that one the Broken Wreckord and responded, “Come on, seriously, who wants to write about Mr. DuBourg quitting. To those of you who thought that article was funny, for that? Oh, I mean…” He quickly scurried off and has recently been sighted let me ask you this: do you see Mr. DuBourg roaming the Pingry halls anymore? hiding out in the catwalks of the new theater. He is incredibly hard to spot, though, I don’t think so. Serious, undercover news articles like these are simply not a as he has painted his entire body a metallic gray and spends most of his time joking matter. creeping around, talking to his “preciousssss.” How about the article regarding the coup d’etat? That came true, too—after A number of Middle Schoolers seemed simply overcome with intimidation at all, I don’t see Brian Martin around anymore, do you? the sight of us. In any case, they mumbled something in Latin and crumpled to And the article about Trem eating the middle schoolers—that one was true as the floor in little balls. Likewise, black market sales of garlic and holy water went well. Don’t try to deny it. The evidence is in Trem’s belly: it’s six inches thicker up in the seventh and eighth grade, and teachers were urging their students to than ever before. Disprove that, you critics! “Just say no!” to the Broken Wreckord. There have even been rumors of a PSPA These are only a few of the countless examples of The Wreckord’s thorough vigilante movement that condones midnight raids to tear up any articles-in-progress undercover reporting. See for yourself how right we are—if you carefully scruti- in the Middle School. Headmaster Mr. Neiswender declined comment, but a num- nize last year’s issue, you’ll find that over 100% of the articles were entirely ber of parents have sprung up around the school disguised as students and trying truthful. to fit in with such hip language as, “Holla back, young’n” and “Man, you best To help this school’s brainless student body better understand our mission, stop mad dawging me or I’ll bust a cap in your posterior.” we’ve adopted a new slogan: we’re the only school newspaper with the guts to After getting the poor little collapsed Middle Schoolers safely curled up on tell it like it is. Get it? So when you’re forced to choose between reading our their couches with a good Harry Potter book, we embarked with new fury on our paper and that other, phony one, we hope you’ll choose the real deal. Up yours, quest for writers. It was a virtuous crusade, one might say, but then again one Pingry Record! would probably be wrong. Still, we battled to save Pingry students from their own procrastination and desire to do nothing. —David Spett Sure we encountered some dragons along the way. Our copy editing staff formed a rebel army to protest the “tyrannical, barbaric and downright mean regime” that forced them to write articles. Their cause soon deteriorated into infiltrating our office, sitting around, and eating Doritos, but they did, as a matter of principle, refuse to look at anything that resembled an article while they lounged around. “You’re tearing me apart!” cried our layout editor when we suggested he stop HITS & by sometime. “You people don’t own me. I believe you may be the anti-Christ.” He then dropped the banana he was eating, exclaimed “gosh dernit!” and became very sad. Things were never quite the same for him after that. Luckily, all turned out well, for I stumbled upon a box of articles lying on the MISSES street. People seemed to be running as fast as they could from the box, cursing it and nicknaming it “Pandora’s box—the source of all evil in the world.” Being the naturally curious person I am, I summoned my courage, opened the box, and released the glory inside. So after a period of strife and a lot of waiting, here it is for your enjoyment— Hit: The Broken Wreckord has taken over the school. the Broken Wreckord 2003. Miss: Nobody cares. —Susannah Bragg Miss: Middle School secedes from Union. Hit: Nobody cares. Miss: Soccer team is deserted as students flock to join ex- treme ironing team. Hit: New wing being built for the extreme ironing team. The Broken Wreckord Hit: There is finally a Quidditch team at Pingry. Miss: It’s a fictional sport. Head Honchos Susannah Bragg, David Spett Hit: Hot boys at Delbarton! Miss: We already knew that. What would we do without you? Aaron Sussman Miss: No girls left at Pingry; i.e., nobody intelligent left at Helper-outers Chris Holt ’02, Robert Zacharias Pingry.

Layout Editor Page Maker (VI) Miss: Geese ambush Jed and corner him. Hit: Jed gets away from the geese and eats lots of goose Computer Consultant Max R. Cool poop. Staph Infectors Caitlin Bergh, Adam Goldstein, Hit: New dress code abolishes all clothes in building. James Somers, Rebecca Speiser Miss: Flip-flops still not allowed. Photographers Marissa Drell, Nelson Lee Hit: Robert Zacharias elected student body president. Miss: Robert Zacharias elected student body president. Arteest Melissa Tyson Hit: Aaron Sussman will fight to stay in office. Faculty Advisor Dr. Susan Dineen Miss: He was all too eager to show us his new briefs. Technical Advisor Mr. Dean Sluyter Hit: Big Blue has a girlfriend named Big Red. Miss: She turned him down when he asked her to prom. All rights reserved. All contents © 2003 The Pingry Record. Printed on recycled paper. Please recycle after use. THE BROKEN WRECKORD • MAY 2003 3 DAILY LIFE AT THE SCHOOL WE ‘LOVE’

Dr. Dineen Robert Zacharias (V)

The Middle Schoolers have gotten so tiny that we almost can’t see them! Run! Run for your lives! Run! Big Blue is on the rampage!

Dr. Dineen Dr. Dineen

Nelson Lee (III)

The track is the cool people’s favorite hangout. Susannah Bragg (V)

Practicing our telekinetic skills. One! Two! I can’t go on...

Nelson Lee (III)

Nelson Lee (III)

What is that ridiculous paper she’s reading? Nobody reads that... Susannah Bragg (V)

No one really knows whose baby this is, so you can buy it from us for the bargain price of $15.

How many days till we’re out of this jail cell?

“I’m gonna get me some Kibbles ‘n’ Bits!” 4 THE BROKEN WRECKORD • MAY 2003 S C H O O L N E W S New Dress Code: No Clothes! SAC IN BY SUSANNAH BRAGG (V) Drunk on power, the mem- was punished for wearing a ents. Older students have since The administration made a bers of the committee then skirt on Monday asks, “What taken to wearing red and gold drastic change in dress code proceeded to rip off all their about our individuality? Are socks on their left feet as policy last Friday when Upper clothes and run around the we not being deprived of an badges of honor to remember School Head Mr. Adam school shouting proclama- essential way to express our- Harry. Many have even been Rohdie declared that all tions of equality and libera- selves?” Counters a freshman: heard shouting slogans like CRISIS clothes would hereby be tion. The rest of the student “We’re all equal now! Eat my “Harry lives!,” “Come on strictly forbidden in and body was slightly baffled and BY JAMES SOMERS According to Mr. Rohdie, shorts, seniors, I’m sitting on Mary, don’t tarry; We can’t let A select few students and the plan involves creating a around the school building. horrified by the sight, but in your couches. Hehehehehe!” them bury Harry!,” and teachers were urgently called system to keep track of stu- Signs have even gone up no time, more courageous stu- (This young man was soon “Harry is a berry!” (No one out of class this week for an dents’ social status. Students around the building reading dents had shed their shoes and picked up and hoisted out a quite knows the origins of that emergency meeting of the will know exactly who their “Get Naked or Get Out” and Susannah Bragg (V) Susannah Bragg (V) last one, but it is effective Social Action Committee. friends are, and they will be “Be in the mood, boys and nonetheless). According to one student, the placed into rigid groups ac- girls, to be as nude as little Teachers have also been classes left behind “didn’t cording to their social stand- squirrels.” complaining about a lack of know what was going on,” ing. After spending so much focus in class. “There has re- and were “scared it might be Moreover, students can im- time measuring the length of cently been an increase in really serious.” prove their status through a girls’ skirts and urging boys to people diagnosed with ADD,” Little is known about the variety of procedures, each tuck in their shirts, the teach- says Psychology teacher Dr. meeting, except for the infor- worth a specific point value. ers are relieved about the new Michael Richardson. “People mation leaked in an all- Rohdie says focus is placed on change. “We were tired of just can’t seem to pay atten- school handout, which read “relationships that people having to judge students’ at- tion in class lately.” as follows: have with members of the op- tire on an individual basis,” Still, many have embraced “When the committee posite sex, athletic ability, says Mrs. Patty Hearst, Dean the new direction the school of the Upper School and has taken. According to one members finally settled down good looks, and a sense of Greg Selover (III) is shocked ...but pleased in the fac- Susannah Bragg (V) former convict of bank rob- passionate sophomore girl, ulty bing. “This way, you’re either sweaters. nearby window to tumultuous “this should be a democracy, lounge, the naked or you’re out of dress The administration, which applause.) a meritocracy. Now we are all Head So- code. No more will students had committed itself to en- One girl came to school in on even ground. Look at our cialite, Mr. try getting away with flip- dorse the committee’s ruling, a scarf and tried to use the ex- idol, Big Blue! Did he need John flops. I’d like to see them try. had no choice at this point. cuses, “I’m cold” and “It’s clothes to succeed? I think Neiswender, Bring it on, I say to any such Upper School Head Mr. snowing outside.” Mr. Rohdie not.” revealed rebels without a cause. Bring Adam Rohdie announced that wasn’t about to fall for that “If you think about it, the devel- it on.” clothes “and whatever hap- kind of jabberwocky. “These clothes contradict everything oping cri- The decision came in a pens to be wearing them” little tykes,” he chuckled as he the honor code stands for,” sis. ‘What meeting of Student Body would no longer be permitted booted her out of the school. says a representative of the we have President Aaron Sussman’s in this institution. Jed the dog “Who needs them?” honor board. “They are a way here is a dress code committee. Unable was soon placed at the front A number of students have of hiding our true selves, keep- daunting to come to a consensus on flip- entrance of the building to chosen civil disobedience. ing something private, deceiv- task,” he flops, the students chose to get scare off any students who Seventh grader Harry Frotman ing others. Garments are only explained. rid of shoes altogether, but as tried to sneak in with a hat or refused to remove the sock he a mask to project a false im- “I went one member of the committee a belt or other such contra- wore to school yesterday and, age to the world. Thus, clothes put it, “Why stop there? No band. after surviving hours of grill- are lies. Lies, I tell you! Burn around the Jack Zoephel (V) reels in horror school, and flip-flops? Puh. I say no shoes! Though the new policy has ing and mind games in Mr. them! Burn them to the ground you know what I saw?’ Half style” when it comes to rank- No clothes! Our power been running smoothly for the Rohdie’s office, the brave little and feel the warmth of truth the room gasped, imagining ing students. stretches to the end of the uni- past week, several people are soul was sent home to his par- and honesty.” the horrible possibilities. ‘I’ll There is even a prototype verse!” still hesitant. One junior who tell you what I saw… People digital board that Apu and Mr. out of place everywhere! Hata are working on to post They just don’t know who continually updated social in- MIDDLE SCHOOL SECEDES their friends are these days.’” formation. Mr. Neiswender declined Asked in a survey to give an interview, saying only, their reactions to the new “We made a plan. You guys plans, an overwhelming 198% FROM UNION; CIVIL WAR ERUPTS will like it.” of students, teachers, and staff Susannah Bragg (V) Luckily, though, Assistant marked the box that said, “The BY ADAM GOLDSTEIN (III) little kiddie-widdies.” Head Socialite Mr. Adam whole thing is perfect.” The 15 Following years of uneasy Upper School Head Adam Rohdie was open to com- students who disagreed, all contact, a civil war erupted Rohdie has been decidedly ment. “Well, the social situa- members of the Get A Life today between the Middle more critical, especially dur- tion is really getting out of (GAL) group, said “our sys- School and Upper School. ing his weekly Tuesday as- This occurred just two days sembly speech. After reading Susannah Bragg (V) after Daniel Davidson, the the announcements this past Form II president, drafted his Tuesday, he read the students own constitution and urged the entire bible in four lan- Middle School students to guages. “fight the oppression of Aaron He finished the sermon by Sussman and all his ilk.” saying, “The lesson we should Battles ranging from heated get out of this book is that the verbal exchanges to full- Middle School Constitution is fledged physical clashes Scene from the so-called “Battle of the Dining Room” a mistake, and we can all learn erupted throughout the school lieved to finally have some- said an anonymous source. a thing or two from the situa- in the morning. Remy thing to talk about, and stu- Middle Schoolers have be- tion … or something. Have a Dell’ermo (I) stood over the dents who eat E lunch are gun seeking refuge at the great week.” Susannah Bragg (V) bloodied remains of Tomo happy to find food left over Short Hills campus, fitting in Gibson (VI) and summed up for them, unaware that almost naturally. However, his skirmish by saying, “He they’re eating blood-tainted some have not fit in as well as tried these crazy kung-fu-ish Marinara sauce. others. John Kolb (II) was eas- Sumeet Shah (V) holds his brain in awe moves on me, and I was just Meanwhile, those who do ily discovered posing as a vis- like, ‘Bam,’ and he fell down not want to fight have been iting kindergarten student hand, so we decided to make tem is better. We would have and started bleeding. I was like left with few options. Robert when he told the teacher that it easier for everybody and voted yes, but Mr. Neiswender ‘Whoa. Stupid Yankee.’ ” Zacharias (V) has become the he “imperatively needed to create some order around said we couldn’t be the top- The war has not been bad unofficial Upper School make use of the facilities.” here,” he said with a sigh of ranked students.” for all members of the com- drummer, marching down the The Middle School Consti- relief. “They don’t call us the The plan is expected to be munity, however. Joe Della halls playing his bongos. tution, which started the whole Social Action Committee for implemented soon, with So- Rosa (VI) has been filming Other pacifists have hidden conflict, has received mixed nothing!” cial Awareness Aptitude Tests many of the especially gory out in the drafting room. “It’s reviews. Middle School Head to be held in early March. encounters for his new movie, far enough from the action Dr. Robert Macrae praised it “Uppa Skool.” Members of that we’re pretty safe. No- as “a marvel of writing and a An agonizing kick to the ab- Amnesty International are re- body goes here, anyway,” long-due document for our domen takes a soldier down. THE BROKEN WRECKORD • MAY 2003 5 F E A T U R E S A Restaurant Review JED UNDERGOES Engel Dining Room Has Fantabulous GEESE-HATING Smorgasbord CONDITIONING MarissaDrell (V) BY AARON SUSSMAN (VI) blood stained jowls, howling possibly three middle JED is a border collie re- at his defeated prey. JED also schoolers. Though many are BY DAVID “SUE ME SHAH” cently hired by Pingry to work bit into the jugular vein and pleased with JED’s work, sev- SPETT (V) with the maintenance staff as killed his acting Professor, eral found it disconcerting This past Wednesday, I took a solution to the “Goose Prob- Benji. when JED, using his paw, my father and my brother lem.” JED, whose name At Pingry, JED has already carved the words “JED Snachin to the hottest eatery stands for “Justice Equals slain and consumed roughly WANT BLOOD” into the in all of Bernards Township: Death,” has undergone a vi- three dozen geese, and two or sand on the softball field. the Engel Dining Room. I cious training program which David Spett (V) knew the Dining Room would has transformed him into a be great as soon as we drove “water fowl killing machine.” up: it was so crowded that JED started out at a train- there was no parking at all! ing facility in Virginia. Here, The smorgasbord offered a he was forced into a Clock- plethora of choices. My father work OrangeÐtype chair de- chose pasta with red sauce. I vice and made to watch terri- chose pasta with red sauce. fying movies of goose vio- Snachin chose pasta with red lence, including footage of sauce and a piece of garlic geese dismembering a puppy, geese lighting dog houses on bread. “I just looove this jar!” The pasta was superlative fire, geese grabbing rawhide and perfectly al dente. The day by giving Snachin my from yesterday’s flavor, Sim- bones and then flying away, sauces complemented it with napkin to dab his wound. ply Vanilla. and one harrowing image of a the perfect blend of water and To drink, I had the choco- Overall, the Engel Dining goose inserting a chew toy food coloring. After only a few late milk, which was fabu- Room offers fabulous fare that into a dog’s collar and caus- bites, my appetite became lously piquant. It tasted as if can’t be beaten anywhere in ing the dog extreme distress sated, and I could not eat any the cafeteria staff had just Bernards Township. It’s cer- when unable to remove it. more. milked the chocolate cow tainly the best place to go on a In order to learn discipline, I did not have the garlic moments ago. My father date or with your peer group. JED was sent to a special bread, but when Snachin bit drank the Big Blue Punch, school for gifted dogs. He did into his, he cracked a tooth and which he found sweet and Ratings (on a scale from 1 not get along with the faculty began screaming and bleeding tangy. to 10): or his classmates. After a pri- profusely. Frankly, he should For dessert, I had French Food: 1,000,000 vate meeting with the Dean of the school, Muffykins, JED have visited the dentist prior Vanilla flavored frozen yogurt, Décor: 100 His looks are deceiving: JED has blood on his cute mind to feasting at the Engel Din- which was splendid. It was so Service: 99999 emerged from the office with ing Room. I luckily saved the tasty, yet so uniquely different Cost/Person: Free Coming in the Next Broken Wreckord: Q&A with AND Q&A with Jed the Dog the Geese

CANINE VS. CANADIAN: SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST

“If I could h*$% anyone’s “If that Jed thinks he can leg in the school, it would stop me from defecating be Mr. Neiswender’s. I all over the fields, he’s got know he’d enjoy it.” another think coming!” 6 THE BROKEN WRECKORD • MAY 2003 C E N T E R S P R E A D A A R O N ’ S N E (NOT TO BE CONFUSED WI

BY AARON SUSSMAN (VI) “tomorrow.” Though the flag was back- other dissenters, “a supporter Levey concurred: “In the hall- “It is so funny,” Sussman stage, it was still visible to of mascot-stealing.” Very few ways, you can just feel the ten- Bake Sale Goes said to Spett over the phone, those sitting on the left side of students at Pingry support sion. It builds up like the Long Way in Fund- “you called me just as I was the auditorium. The assembly Sussman’s actions, and many rockin’ guitar solo in Identity ing New Wing finishing my third article.” was marked by traditional In- think that he has the ulterior (an original Myndroht song). Sussman was in fact eating dian and Irish dance numbers, motive of attaining the large Man, Spitting Image sucks. Thro After realizing that con- cookie dough and watching an exciting hip-hop display, beverage recourses of More like [expletive deleted] struction of the new arts wing American Idol. and the waving of a hate sym- Delbarton’s cafeteria. Image, if ya ask me.” fish o would be a major expense, Sussman’s articles are offi- bol from the Third Reich. In a recent poll, 98.8% of Asked which band he pre- Mr. Neiswender called an cially a month and four days When The Broken the students answered “no” fers, Melvin Hulvak (V) re- roadw emergency meeting of the over deadline. Wreckord inquired about this when asked, “Are you pleased plied, “I don’t know what you Community Service Club. oddly placed emblem, it was with Sussman’s administra- are talking about.” Randy “Look,” said the headmaster, Respect Lost for Dr. told, “It was a prop from ‘The tion thus far?” One senior McSpackle (IV) had a similar PROHI “we estimated our costs a John Pingry Due to Sound of Music.’ You know didn’t find the option of “no” response, saying, “Isn’t little bit inaccurately, and it Picture of Him Next that. You were in it, and you to be suitable, instead asking, Myndroht the one with the Prosecut is up to you to raise some to School Sign are the only one who noticed “Why is there no option of police tape around the big be Vi money to help the school out. it during the assembly. Now ‘He is an illegitimate, bellig- guy? Um, they’re okay, I like I believe this can only be “I knew he founded the go away.” erent liar, murderer, and their makeup.” Hunter Pippy done with a bake sale. We school and everything, but I criminal?’” (VI) answered, “I like the band need $3,249,159.55 ... give or just kinda figured they named Sussman Leads that sounds like Blink-182. It take.” it Pingry after he died,” says School in Preemptive School Divided Be- is funny when they choreo- “Let’s make chocolate- Morty Wackerman (V). “I Mascot Stealing tween ‘Spitting Im- graph their dance moves.” filled puff pastries!” chimed mean, just calling the school age’ and ‘Myndroht,’ Spitting Image guitarist in club President Edward your last name seems pretty Upon hearing speculations Claim ‘Spitting Im- Dave Salerno is waiting for Barsamian (VI). dumb. I started the Anime Ap- that Delbarton was planning to age’ and ‘Myndroht’ the chance to take on The bake sale was wildly preciation Club last year, but steal the beloved Big Blue Myndroht in a battle-of-the- successful. Rice Krispy treats it’s not like I’m gunna just call costume, Student Body Presi- According to Myndroht bands competition. Myndroht went for $10,400 each, it the Wackerman Club,” he dent Aaron Sussman launched frontman Ben “Thor” Grant, drummer Ben Rosenthal says, oatmeal-raisin cookies sold adds. a full student government in- Pingry students are divided by “Oh, bring it on. Let’s just for $20,000, and double Morty was even more dis- vasion of the rival high school. their allegiances to either hard make sure that there is extra months’ Poetry Festival hap- fudge brownies were given illusioned upon discovering The primary objectives were: rock/alternative band security before the school goes pened to fall on the same day only in exchange for donat- that the new arts wing was to destroying Delbarton’s mas- Myndroht or punk-rock band nuts over it.” as the food drive, for which ing a new level to the arts be named Neiswender City. cot-stealing capabilities, liber- Spitting Image. Andrew Shirley Manzarek (V), af- each student was asked to wing. ating the students from an op- Heyman, singer/songwriter ter hearing about this possible bring in three cans of food. Giant Swastika pressive student government, for Spitting Image, agrees, school event, exclaimed, During the Poetry Festival, Editor of Broken Flag Confuses Many and preventing them from saying, “Yeah, that may be the “Whatever.” poets read from their pub- Wreckord Lied to on Multicultural Day forming links with other mas- only thing that we agree with lished works, talked to the au- Again cot-stealing groups. MyndSUCK on …” Spitting Poetry Festival dience, answered questions, Many were confounded by When Mr. Neiswender in- Image bassist Scott Simon Scheduled On Same and held off death from star- Editor David Spett was the presence of a large flag formed Sussman that he was adds, “It’s like liking either Day as Food Drive vation one day longer. told by Aaron Sussman for featuring a black swastika on violating many school rules, Elvis or the Beatles. It can’t “I couldn’t help but notice the fourth time today that the the side of the stage during the Sussman merely laughed at be both.” In what administrators in- how emaciated they were. And articles would be in his hand recent celebration of diversity. him and called him, along with Myndroht guitarist Alex sist was just a coincidence, last I thought it was strange that

OBJECTS IN THE HALL SPEAK OUT BY ROBERT ZACHARIAS (V)

A WALL (III) A FIRE EXTINGUISHER (IV) A STAIRCASE (IV) A WATER FOUNTAIN (V) “Being a temporary wall really sucks. I “Someone touched me by “I just have to be more “I’m this conduit of life and have this feeling of not belonging that accident three years ago. It was careful in public places.” nobody even cares. How follows me around all day. [begins exciting. What is Iraq?” completely unfulfilling.” sobbing plaster tears].” THE BROKEN WRECKORD • MAY 2003 7 E W S B R I E F S ITH AARON’S NEW BRIEFS)

Me, I Haven’t Eaten in of motivation, no desire to en- one rising junior, “super- ing in his classes and every- Happened Weeks.” joy himself, and a resurgence psyched” about this gala thing, but I just love to hear of a past ailment, the “Mon- event, which is being touted as the dirt.” Despite the laudations that Teachers Offended day Blues.” a “night of constant humilia- Upon returning home, the Awareness Society re- by Student Govern- After complaining about tion, despair, and self-doubt.” Witchly likes to call her “girl- ceived for their moving trib- owing ment Announcement this affliction to his friend and The perennial high school friends,” most notably Judith ute to the child victims of the classmate, Ricky Turner, extravaganza will feature such Banchi and Cynthia Kastrati. Holocaust, several are skepti- on the This past Monday, Student Dooley “felt bad” to learn that traditions as rejection (before, “Guess what I heard from cal about whether this assem- Body President Aaron Turner had been experiencing during, and most likely after Debby about Tommy bly ever actually took place. way is Sussman announced that drooping eyelids, an inability prom), extreme self-con- Rossdale [Pingry’s starting “Wait. You mean to tell me “there will be a mandatory to swallow, and paralysis of sciousness, ungainly dancing, quarterback]! [inaudible that several hundred students Student Government meeting the respiratory muscles, all embarrassment caused by par- whisper] [cackle] [inaudible sat down in the auditorium and IBITED this afternoon at 2:00. All are due to botulism. ents, ill-fitting and uncomfort- whisper]” attended this assembly? I’m welcome.” In a fury, several “I thought my Senioritis able outfits, crying in the la- “Ya know, I just want to sorry, I just find that hard to tors will teachers walked out of the au- was pretty bad,” said Dooley, dies’ room, and the ever-popu- know certain things,” says believe,” said one junior. olated ditorium, complained directly “I mean, sometimes I don’t lar trip to Planned Parenthood Witchly, “like who’s going to A senior claims that he to Mr. Rohdie, refused to talk even take my backpack out of the morning after prom. prom with whom, which toured the auditorium just two to Sussman and gave him my car when I get home!” Mrs. Cassidy has already teachers might be getting days ago and that there is no glares in the hallway, and de- Dooley added, “But I guess begun making her annual fired, who’s gotten in trouble evidence that any people were cided to express to their Ricky’s got it pretty bad too, prom announcements, saying, recently, ya know … things in the room or that such a pro- classes of impressionable stu- with being unable to respirate “Please don’t forget to bring to make me think I am still in gram was put on. Some doubt- dents how upset they were. [sic] and all.” in your checks for this evening high school and not leading ers insist that all of these stu- Though no one made it Dooley’s Senioritis has of existential nightmarish tra- this vacuous existence!” dents must have been off cam- clear what the exact problem cleared up with the arrival of dition marked by crippling When asked what makes pus during this hour time pe- was, many have stated reso- his ISP. Turner, however, will depression, abject self-hatred, high school life so interesting riod, which would explain lutely that “if anything should probably die. and unrelenting hopeless- to her, Witchly responded, their absence. happen again that offends me ness.” “Well, I have such great “It’s not that I am an evil, … well, you don’t wanna Slogan for 2004 memories of high school. Go- hateful ignoramus,” said one know what I’ll do.” Prom: ‘Condensing Pingry Mothers Fill ing out with the girls, being a doubter. “I’m just a little con- that one guy was just wearing When questioned about the Worst Aspects of Voids in Lives with cheerleader, being Prom fused.” a barrel. He claimed that it was this, Sussman responded, High School into One High School News Queen … Things sure were a present from Pinsky, but I “Whatever,” and then went Night!’ great back then … Yup, they don’t know,” said one Pingry back to doing his work. An increasing number of sure were.” Witchly spent the junior. This past Thursday, the Pingry’s mothers are discov- next ten minutes staring long- Dr. Susan Dineen, orga- Senior Claiming to Have prom committee announced ering that high school news ingly out the window. A lone nizer of the Festival, claimed ‘Senioritis’ Feels Bad to Find that next year’s prom slogan and gossip are just what they tear rolled down her face. that the food drive had noth- Out Friend has Botulism will be “Condensing the Worst need to be fulfilled. “They sure were.” ing to do with the assembly Aspects of High School into “After picking Lonnie up and that the food was going to Maxwell Dooley (VI), a One Night!” The slogan is de- from soccer practice, I can’t Several Question needy families. self-proclaimed victim of signed to go along with the wait to hear about what is go- Whether the Aware- Poet Adam Mailer finished “Senioritis,” has suffered over recently-decided theme of ing on in school,” says mother ness Society Holo- the Festival with a powerful the last month from such “Awkwardness.” Suzie Witchly. “Of course I caust Remembrance piece entitled, “Please Help symptoms as restlessness, lack Students are, according to care about how Lonnie is do- Assembly Actually

What do you think of the war in Iraq?

SOME WINDOWS (V) A TRASH CAN (VI) SOME MAILBOXES (VI) A VENDING MACHINE (VI) “I love my position here! I have this “Once a liberal was thrown into me “Yeah, we only get our news from the “Some guys tried to mug me great view of the courtyard. Once a for expressing his views. That’s the Record, so we’re just getting over the once. One of them had a beard, bird ran into me; that was neat too.” closest I’ve been to the issues.” whole Vietnamese conflict...” so I assume he was a dangerous and despotic Iraqi.” 8 THE BROKEN WRECKORD • MAY 2003 S T U F F AARON’S PHOTO ALBUM Hi, I’m Aaron, and these are my pictures. I sure do like pictures. I hope you like them too. The doctor didn’t like the pictures, so he sent me to another doctor who didn’t say anything to me about my pictures. He told my mom something later and I saw her crying. Now I live with the doctors; they are my new mommy. Here are my pictures:

I drew this picture for a homework assignment. We were supposed to draw a picture of This is my best friend, Wumple. He lives in the basement. He can’t what our house looks like around Christmas. It’s really hard to draw yelling. come upstairs because his eyes bleed on the rug. Sometimes we play Connect-Four. Sometimes the box lights on fire. Silly Wumple.

This is Petey. He used to be my pet bird. He talked. This is Shelly, my turtle. When he gets mad he hits the boys in his class and his teacher Sometimes he talked too much. I was sad when he died. makes him sit by himself for the rest of the day and then he cries and gets even madder.

This is my doggie. His name is Rabies. He dresses up a lot. Some- times he bites the kids at recess who make fun of him and throw rocks My mommy told me that this is a picture of my at him. He has to sit out a lot. He and Shelly are good friends. real daddy. She says he left to go fight in the war and now is a short-order cook in Grenada. My daddy is cool. Almost as cool as my Uncle Fonzie.

Thank you for looking at my pictures. I like you a lot. I’m going to go take a nap in my box.

This is a picture of me when I grow up. I’m gunna be a panda bear named Scruffy. This is Scruffy THE BROKEN WRECKORD • MAY 2003 9 O T H E R S T U F F Faculty-Student Look-Alikes Recent DNA testing by our expert reporters uncovered that many members of the community are secretly related . . .

Photos by David Spett

Yvette Zimering (VI) and Mr. Neiswender Ben Blonder (V) and Mr. Wang

Susannah Bragg (V)

Amit Kumar (V) and Mr. Rohdie Emily Majka (V) and Mr. Sluyter Such a good-looking display of manhood The only two people in the school to be seen relaxing.

Courtesy of Yearbook

Aaron Sussman (VI) and Cal Rohdie Doug Ellwanger (V) and Mrs. Landau Like father, like son Look at that glorious hair!

Sam Tasher (IV) and Mr. Raby Buzzy Cohen (VI) and Mr. Jaegar 10 THE BROKEN WRECKORD • MAY 2003 A D D I T I O N A L S T U F F A Bunker of Their Own

BY ROBERT ZACHARIAS (V) (much like the defense base wood leads one to believe that Halliburton installed them at amazing experience.” was supposed to have been Many members of the NORAD) so that in the event the room is very well-fur- a cost of a few million dollars, Unfortunately, the Board used for teacher salary in- school community know of damaging nuclear shock nished with perhaps a wooden which we were antsy about at member concluded, “The creases, professional develop- about the new board room in waves, the “inner tomb” will veneer on the inside of the first, but they said that every room is off limits to everyone ment, other campus improve- the Arts Wing. This room remain relatively stable and steel sarcophagus. A hint of contemporary and tasteful but the Board members, so the ments, very, very expensive serves as a meeting room for color printing for various Ad- the Board and is used for this Susannah Bragg (V) missions brochures, and the excellent purpose for at least like. However, this money was several hours a week. Though actually directed to the con- it remains locked up and in- struction of the Bunker accessible for the remainder of through a series of compli- the time, all of us here at cated accounting transactions Pingry recognize its immedi- involving tax law loopholes ate importance to the function- and known federal auditing ing of the school—after all, oversights of nonprofit orga- the Board was previously nizations such as Pingry. So forced to meet in the parking through shrewd planning, the lot at night using flashlights to dream of the Board Bunker illuminate school business. was realized, all amazingly Only a precious few outside surreptitiously. the well-sequestered Board In the event of a major (or know that 300 feet under the even minor) emergency, and Board room there is a spe- sometimes in the event of no cially designed Board Bunker emergency at all (such as built to ensure that the when Board members wish to Pingry’s senior leadership shelter themselves from members will be able to direct school responsibilities), all the vital functions of the Pingry Board members have school even during times of a place to go to be safe from national emergency. all threats. We can rest assured The bunker was designed that we will always have the by General Dynamics, capable leadership of the Halliburton, and Bechtel in The nerve center of our school lies approximately 300 ft. below this innocent looking table. Board by our side, or perhaps concert with the architects of even peering over our prover- the new wing at Pingry. As occupying personnel will be burgundy in the air suggests bunker has these types of wonderment we feel when us- bial side and watching our ev- previously stated, it lies ap- able to continue functioning the presence of a full service lights, and what’s a few mil- ing our one-of-a-kind pillow ery move. proximately 300 feet below normally. bar. Faint cigar smoke along lion dollars here and there?” system will not be available When asked for a final ground level: exact numbers The Wreckord was able to with the distinctive odor of “There is a small dormitory for use by other members of comment regarding the Board are considered “Pingry classi- gain access to the “inner cedar leads this reporter to be- for executive naps, which the Pingry community.” Bunker, the previously quoted fied” information and are tomb” by permission of the lieve that in case of a need for Bechtel installed for us, and But where did the Board Board member stated, “I think well-guarded secrets. Experts Board, with the condition that long-term stays in the secured we find it very comfortable. find the finances to bankroll this is a very wise allocation familiar with bunker construc- this reporter be blindfolded, facility, there is a fully stocked They actually fit a state-of- this project? An inquiry into of ghost funds towards a vital tion believe that it probably wrapped in a blanket, with the walk-in humidor in the Board the-art entertainment system the funding of the Board Bun- interest of all the Pingry com- has an approximately three lights in the bunker off, and Bunker as well. into the pillow of the bed, ker led to an all too obvious munity: the protection and foot thick pre-stressed con- restricted to only a 30 second Speaking on the condition which is quite an achievement. conclusion. The capital drive preservation of the Board. Oh, crete outer shell, then an insu- “peek” of the facility. Even of anonymity, a Board mem- Plus, they did it for only a few that Pingry finished in 2000 yes, I forgot to add that in the lating buffer including copper with these relatively tight con- ber described the room fur- hundred g’s, so we would have had raised $41 million, a event of a national emergency, mesh to quell any EMF from trols, this reporter was able to ther: “There are many flash- been idiots not to take them up highly publicized figure. The the Bunker will also be avail- nuclear activity, and finally a tell that the room appeared ing lights on control panels on that offer. It’s really quite new Arts Wing was said to able to protect members of the six inch steel sheath surround- exactly as any member of the which are beautifully inlaid astounding to use the pillow; cost approximately $12 mil- country’s leadership from any ing the “inner tomb.” Pingry community would ex- into the mahogany walls, it directly affects your brain lion to complete. The remain- ‘liberal’ threats or contingen- The entire structure is sus- pect. though we are not sure about instead of going through the der of the money raised in the cies they may face.” pended on heavy springs A faint smell of expensive what they do exactly. traditional senses, which is an capital drive—$29 million— Letter to the Editors of Vital Signs

We don’t really know why overlooked by the editorial end to this criminal misuse of 3. Those seniors who this writer sent us a letter staff. James has written only the English language I sat pen- planned on relieving them- about Vital Signs, but we two pieces, both of which sive for days, eventually arriv- selves of their duties at Vital thought we’d humor him and were atrocious. His first dealt ing at what I now deem the Signs by going to college print it anyway. We have the with the Columbia space best solution. should instead take a PG space. Nobody sends us any shuttle disaster and argued that Rather than making drastic (post-graduate) year to con- letters. the space shuttle program changes, like slowing down or tinue their service. should be brought to a halt. even stopping the publication These measures should be Dear Editors, Like most readers, I was of Vital Signs, the head edi- put into effect before the en- Readers beware! The latest thrown off by the beautiful tors should take the following tire student body becomes in- issue of Vital Signs, while rhetoric, but was later as- simple steps to improve the fected with the radical and ri- well-written and masterfully tounded to find that this was quality of the magazine: diculous ideas of current Vi- produced, contained funda- just a cleverly employed mas- 1. Eliminate bad opinionsÐ tal Signs’ writers. In the case mental flaws that should not querade hiding tons of bla- using a simple screening pro- that these changes cannot be go unnoticed. For one, I am tantly wrong opinions. cess, those opinions which are swiftly implemented, a contin- deeply concerned with the di- It’s not only the newbies wrong or slightly askew could gency plan — to be called rection the head editors are that get me nervous, though. be set aside, to be destroyed “martial law” — should be taking, appointing truly Some of the more “respected” or put in a sister-magazine, enforced. sophomoric nincompoops to writers are catching on to the Flatlines. the staff. Although some new sophomores’ conniving tac- 2. Change the layout to ac- You’re welcome for the writers, like James Somers tics, finagling sleazy opinions commodate Step 1Ð instead of ideas, (IV), may be swaggeringly into pieces using excellent the usual 20+ pages, one to profound, their sheer naivete writing as a façade. To put an two should suffice. James Somers (IV) and stupidity was seemingly THE BROKEN WRECKORD • MAY 2003 11 S U P P L E M E N T A L S T U F F RECORD PRINTS New Athletic SCREAMING HEADLINE OF Wing for 2051

KENNEDY ASSASSINATION BY REBECCA SPEISER (V) The floor below the ground level With the completion of the state- will feature an indoor track. This will of-the-art Academic Arts Center, the BY ROBERT ZACHARIAS (V) He said that Borgusan had left an would have been in 51st grade. This benefit anyone who ever feels an school administration needed some- In the worst example yet of its envelope marked “To be handed in then had to be translated mathemati- urge to run. In addition to the track, thing new to build, and they decided habit of chronically late reporting, to the Record,” with implied instruc- cally into a “form” number to match a bowling alley will take up the rest on an athletic center. This new build- The Pingry Record printed a scream- tions in his will for this envelope to the Pingry convention, making Mr. of the floor. There will be ten lanes ing, which might be finished by the ing headline reading “JFK ASSAS- be delivered. Dr. Dineen accepted the Borgusan a Form 45 student. Follow- and, while the nonexistent bowling time our great-grandchildren are SINATED IN MOTORCADE” in envelope, opened it, and found in- ing these calculations, The Record team will get first priority, groups of born, will match the new arts wing friends will be able to rent an alley their most recent (May 2003) edition. David Spett (V) in design and have areas for every The headline was barely noticed, for a night at no charge. sport imaginable — and unimagin- however, as students and faculty On the ground level, a new able. members have become used to trainer’s room will be built, filled Traditional sports that require anachronistic and non-urgent with every type of bandage imagin- gyms will be featured on the lowest screaming headlines in The Record. able. To the right of the trainer’s floor, where there will be 33 new The only comment the newspaper room there will be two rock-climb- gyms, all equipped with basketball received regarding the headline was hoops and bleachers. Fans and air from a history teacher, regarding a conditioning will be installed in the factual error in the article and not the ceilings to keep the gyms freezing presence of the article itself. The ar- cold, and the real wood floor will be ticle had stated that “Mrs. Kennedy kept in mint condition through the was not present at the time of the as- hard labor of many custodians. sassination of the president,” an ob- On the second floor there will be vious factual error, and it was this an ice hockey rink and indoor squash mistake (and not the 29-year tardi- courts as well as tennis courts. This ness of the reporting) that the history way, all athletes can have access to teacher noted when contacting the more than the facilities they need. editor-in-chief of The Record. The ice hockey rink will be iced According to the editor-in-chief, over all year so that everyone can the article was printed so grossly late benefit from it. The squash and ten- for the same reason that nearly all nis courts will be in such abundance Record articles are printed late: a se- that anyone who wishes to play will rious lack of timeliness on the part have the opportunity. The designer of the writer. The author of the ar- ticle is the late Millard Borgusan ’64, Susannah Bragg (V) You could look like this! who had been given the assignment Duh! We already knew that. to write it in mid-December of 1963. side the 29-year-old typewritten printed the error-laden Kennedy ar- ing walls, and to the left there will Notably, even if he had written and manuscript that Mr. Borgusan had ticle with the byline reading “By be a room for extreme ironing team handed in the article immediately, it written for The Record. She was de- Millard Borgusan (XLV).” practice and another room for the still would have been late news at the lighted to find that it was almost ex- Mr. Borgusan’s estate’s brief com- skateboard team (Editors’ note: guys, time as former President Kennedy actly 500 words, the length of article ment on the publication of the article do we have these teams here?). was slain on the 22nd of November that was needed to fill in the front is reprinted here: The top floor may have one of the 1963, and the word of that event page gap. “Mr. Borgusan was known to pro- best features yet: a holographic room spread almost immediately through- Dr. Dineen gave the godsend (“Fi- crastinate in his work and school that will simulate downhill skiing. It out the country. nally, something newsworthy!”) to habits, which never carried any real will allow participants to feel as if Mr. Borgusan’s article arrived at an editor who entered it into The consequence in his life as he grew they are really rushing down the the Record Office two days before Record computers verbatim and up to be a millionaire playboy living mountain at high speeds with the they went to press with their latest placed it on the front page. There was off of his father’s money. But had Mr. wind blowing in their hair. edition. They were desperate at the not time to proofread the article, and Borgusan been alive to see this tri- On the roof there will be two turf time for any material to splash on the it was never proofread by the author, umphal publication of his fine jour- fields to benefit those who want to front page since nothing actually so it consequently included several nalism, he probably would have said, play kickball, dodgeball, punchball, notable had occurred in the school egregious spelling, grammatical, and before passing out from over-con- or any other childhood game. for several months, when fate factual errors, but still fit the 500 sumption of alcohol, ‘I don’t remem- The school is only allowed to have knocked on the door of the Record word requirement, which was indeed ber writing that article, and I only two single-stall restrooms in the new office. It came in the form of a Mr. The Record’s only requirement for vaguely recall going to that school. wing, but as one football player re- Ira Tannerman, esq., who introduced printing it. Pass the opium, you dolt, or I’ll marks, “Real athletes don’t pee!” himself to Dr. Dineen as the lawyer Unsure of how to write the byline, throw a solid gold statuette at your The Wreckord has uncovered that for the estate of the late Mr. the editors quickly calculated that knobby little head!’” the center was originally scheduled Borgusan. had Mr. Borgusan still been alive he to open this summer, but the work stalled and construction lulled. How- Andrew Werner (V) imagines he is ever, it has picked up again and a new skiing in the new athletic wing. date has been set for the fall of 2051, feels that “the plan we have laid out certainly an attainable goal. Investigation Reveals Missing for this building makes optimal use One freshman remarked that she of the space available and provides “would have to come back for my enough facilities for a school 25 500-year reunion to actually see the Necessities in Art Wing times the size of Pingry.” building in working order!” ¥Valet parking SUMMER IS HERE! Nelson Lee (III) ¥ Gold statue of nude Mr. Students Neiswender donning fig leaf deal with ¥ Restroom attendents to provide the scorch- some of the services that Louis ing heat as XIV must have enjoyed the year ¥ Bathrooms draws to a close. 12 THE BROKEN WRECKORD • MAY 2003 S P O R T S KRAZY SPORTS TAKE OVER THE SCHOOL

of a cliff,” explains Ed. “Never sponded, “Oh.” The sport has Nude Olympics underestimate the power of since enjoyed overwhelming Longest Peel Potato Con- fresh laundry mixed with popularity. As the movie tests mountains. Oh, baby, is it ex- “Dogma” reminds us: “Even Running while holding a treme. Oh baby.” God has a sense of humor. Just sack of potatoes look at the platypus.” Egg running Giant Platypus- Egg throwing Throwing Mr. Neiswender, in an at- Kite festivals tempt to expand the school’s Toad Races (snails will The school Platypus-hurl- horizons, has announced the compete if toads not available) From mountain peaks to ocean floors, the ing squad was overjoyed to addition the following Gold digging bravest of men venture forth to iron clothes. compete in their first throw- “freaky-deaky” new sports for Reindeer Sledding ing contest last Saturday. Stu- next year: Sheep-herding BY SUSANNAH BRAGG (V) tain and ironing clothes at the advisor for this high-risk dents took turns flinging huge Goat races Mouse Races summit. The official web site white-knuckle hobby, recently plastic platypuses by the beak Rabbit skinning Spitball Extreme Ironing of extreme ironing describes set a school record when he as far as they could and Trampoline Musical freestyle—danc- it as “the latest danger sport ironed his socks, ties, and brought home an array of Mini-golf ing with your dog Students have recently that combines the thrills of an sweater-vests 17,800 ft. above awards for distance, style, and Eat-a-thons Googlewhacking taken up the sport that has be- extreme outdoor activity with the ground on Mt. Everest. come an international phe- the satisfaction of a well Team Captain Ed Barsamian nomenon in the past six years: pressed shirt.” (VI) and his fellow ironists climbing to the top of a moun- Mr. Keating, the faculty have committed themselves Susannah Bragg (V) unswervingly to following Mr. Keating’s example and, as one student puts it, “facing the only real challenge that re- mains in this world.” The team has also been branching out by experimenting with Scuba Go Idaho! Bouncee, Bouncee! Ironing, which takes place s “Don’t throw me!” says the platypus. below sea level. Some students do not un- the overall jollity they dis- derstand the sport. “Why?” played during the event. they ask. “Does altitude con- Several students were tribute to flatter shirts? Is it aghast at the idea of chucking more effective to press clothes animal caucuses for pleasure in the mountain air?” and began a protest movement These students are clearly to stop the team from practic- missing the point. “We do it ing. They were soon informed, simply for the thrill of having however, that “the platypuses A little boy is ecstatic over his medal for competi- Eager students train for the extreme ironing tea in the hall- an unwrinkled shirt at the top are fake,” to which they re- tive pumpkin picking, a future Pingry sport. way, as fans cheer them on. JOIN THE QUIDDITCH TEAM!

BY CAITLIN BERGH (V) lent and even grotesque as of their quidditch or broom- these “cuts” but says, “its ab- Susannah Bragg (V) chased around the entire Have you been looking for players are walloped by flying experience. The team solutely necessary to ensure school by rogue bludgers for a way to relieve all of that bludgers, knocked out by an- does require that each new the success of our team. Not upwards of three hours. Elana school-related stress? To add Susannah Bragg (V) everybody can be a winner.” Wilf (V) “got hit in the foot some excitement—perhaps This spring, the SPQTIPH has by a bludger when I was run- even some magic—to your begun training to enter into the ning, and I had to sit out for a life? Well, I think I have the New Jersey Quidditch Festi- week!” answer to your sleepless val next fall, a festival that in- The quidditch team has nights, a way to alleviate the cludes over 60 different NJ drawn a significant following stress of finals, APs, and over- highschools in an all day tour- at their home Saturday games. due papers, the remedy to your nament. According to Captain SPQTIPH has brought back a long weekends of boredom Oliver Wood, “We have to greatly missed tradition of and stress. Quite simply, the make sure we’re ready for the magic to the Pingry campus. answer is QUIDDITCH! And NJQF in the fall.” He adds, “I “Its good to see people carry- now YOU have the chance to know we’re just starting out, ing brooms again” com- join the second Pingry but a number of kids on the mented one sophomore, “and Quidditch team in Pingry his- team have been playing on Reach for that quaffle, girl! to see kids turning their friends tory. club teams for years and I into toads, to see people fight- Now you may be thinking, think we have a lot of poten- seeking skills” by chasing af- ing over the dirt flavored jelly “Oh, please, not another Break out the broomsticks, quaffles, bludgers, and the golden tial.” ter a whiffle ball that asst. cap- beans in their Bertie Bott’s sport!” I’m sure you’ve tried snitch. Quidditch is in season! Over the winter, the tain Susannah Bragg would Everyflavor Beans bags at numerous sports and they just gry opponents, and even put member be approved by the quidditch members practiced throw into the air. lunch. I’ve missed that.” If haven’t provided you with the under harmful spells. sorting hat (a magical hat that their broom-flying skills in the Now the team holds prac- you’d like to be a part of the excitement and relief you are Quidditch is ideal for taking can read your mind), but about upper and lower commons, tices daily on the football field. team, it’s not too late! Not only seeking. But this is no ordi- out all that pent-up stress and 1/3 of the people who try on dodging people and swooping Since the school does not yet will you receive your own free nary sport, where there are anger on the other team. the hat make the team. under and over railings. Un- have an official “quidditch Nimbus 2003 and quidditch silly guidelines and rules. In Now at this point, you are If the sorting hat sees that fortunately, this resulted in world cup field,” the football instruction booklet, but you quidditch, the NJ league of probably asking, “Well, where you truly intend to sabotage several students receiving se- field is an optimal location can also purchase the Pingry referees is surprisingly lenient do I sign up?” and luckily, I the quidditch team or you are vere “broomburns” from the where the team can pretend Quidditch sweatshirt, which regarding violent behavior or have the answer to that, too. actually a spy from an oppos- team members’ brooms, the field goals are quidditch says “Big Blue Bludgers” on even use of magic spells. The second Pingry Quidditch ing quidditch team, you will which often travel at several goals. However, the quidditch the back. So sign up today on Consequently, quidditch team in Pingry history, (also not be allowed to join. Assis- times the speed of light. The practices have proved danger- the Magical Affairs Bulletin matches are not only entertain- known as the SPQTIPH) is tant Captain Susannah Bragg Pingry Seeker, Larry Potter, ous for people in the vicinity, Board and come support the ing, but also shockingly vio- open to all students regardless (V) regrets having to impose also practiced his “snitch- as two Middle Schoolers were team!